#ode to vivian - rework

[rei-the-head-shaker]

Good night to you all, amazing souls! 🖤🌙

[bohemiandeer]

Day 2: Brace

The sun was almost ruthless as it was beating down on the pair as they took to the street on their way back to the lab. The young men had known it was going to be a hot afternoon unobscured by the thick quilt of clouds that threaten to wring its contents out onto the earth any moment now but, Viktor knew it wouldn't be long until they were back. If anything, the heat and slight bout of humidity was nothing but an indicator really that they were building up to release their rain just before the evening. But still, at least if it was raining, there was still a small probability that someone would at least remember to organise transportation for them. Quite literally almost anything to replace the long, uncomfortable walk from the Academy to the new lab Ms. Medarda had arranged for them to further their research. At least on the days he had to wear the dreaded cage around his affected leg as per doctor's orders. 

Bloody hell, why can't you just be normal and behave for one day? 

His femoral anteversion has been acting up again, slowly growing worse as it became increasingly painful to walk around like he once had before. He knew it wouldn't be long until it started getting to his spine too and in addition to the new and ever so irritating leg brace he had to wear now to correct it, surely, a new, suffocating spine brace were to follow. The question was when, as he looked down at his feet to watch his steps as he tried to keep up with Jayce, not just in pace but in chatter. His golden eyes all but scrunched up in a glare as he watched the metal flex as he walked. 

Viktor didn't legitimately know what was worse. The mild, throbbing, ever present pain, the bloody cage in itself, or the stares the now visible leg brace brought. He hated it, ever since he had to wear his new brace it was as if almost all eyes were on him now, whether it be pity, curiosity or some semblance of distaste and unease. It was bad enough that almost every Piltovan and their mother, or child it feels like, would stare if they bothered to look at him long enough, it was even worse however that it was with lingering gazes. 

Even as they were walking now, he could catch a few looks, even a curious child pointing him out, looking up at their mother to ask questions as she chided and slapped the little hand away from pointing. The scene, even if innocuous enough, was in itself enough for Viktor to go silent almost entirely. It was obvious Jayce had come to pick up on his discomfort. He saw it in not just in how Viktor was slowing down from the dull, ever growing pain of a exhausted limb being forced to twist into place, but also the way Viktor went from bantering to sparse responses to his enthusiastic prattling that slowly went from matching Jayce's enthusiasm to exasperation. 

It was then they both fell into a silence as Jayce slowed in pace and wrapped Viktor up carefully in an arm, hand on the small of his back like where he usually put it when he helped Viktor stand up these days. 

“Viktor? Are you okay?”

For the first time that entire walk, Viktor looked up into his partner's eyes as he quietly asked the question. Even if a part of him didn't want to, and wanted instead to remain glued with venom onto his feet and the steel tipped contraption that adorned one of them. He didn't know what was even worse than his body’s failings, the stares and lingering gazes of the occasional stranger or the way Jayce's eyebrows would knit in concern as he’d look at him. Even if it came from someone who understood him and his predicament. Jayce knew already about Viktor's condition, from snippets of benevolent curiosity and timid inquiries spoken out loud in caution out of fear of treading lines he didn't want to tread if it meant causing hurt or offence to his friend. He already knew that, sometimes, Viktor would wear a leg brace, even if it was the thin yet sturdy structure he could easily hide under his clothes. 

He was there for Viktor the whole way through, even on the first day Viktor fell and the string of appointments that followed. Yet still, he did not want to concern his friend, not even more than he already has. 

“Oh. I-I’m fine.”

He uttered out pensively with a slight strained smile as he leaned a little on his cane, trying to give his right leg a bit of reprieve. If Jayce wasn’t concerned enough already, VIktor’s words really did not to seem to help matters with how his partner’s brow furrowed so thoroughly that they made as well have part of one unit.  

“Are you sure? You look like you’re in-”

Was all Viktor heard in a voice that had not even a few minutes previously used to be so enthusiastic and full of life as he caught Jayce catching a glance at his brace before he took to looking away. It was small but something that made Viktor want to curl up into himself and hide in that moment. Yet, outside of a quiet sigh, and the sensation of a supportive hand letting go to rather wrap him up almost protectively into an arm as Jayce ushered him to a bench, there was nothing more that followed that. Other than warm words as Jayce gave him a soft slight smile and a gentle pace as he tried to be as careful as possible yet vigilant over maintaining his friend’s boundaries.

“Come on. Let's sit down for a bit.”

Was all Jayce said, suggesting it as if was on the same caliber as offering to take him to lunch in his gentle casualty over it all. In that moment Viktor looked up again to see him smile, his furrowed brows giving way rather to little creases that reached Jayce’s eyes as he regarded him back and made the tension Viktor held within body and soul gradually fall away. He could rest at ease now for the first time that afternoon as they sat down together, not just due to the relief from taking off his weight off his leg but also in how everything else around them fade to just a scene of two friends, prattling about how to utilize their newest discovery on a bench. All the while Viktor relieved his discomfort by placing his leg on the bench and working at the joints with a pocket wrench he had since taken to carrying. It eased the ache of the entire walk off, even if he could still feel it in his leg, there was simply something about it that made things feel- easier. But then again, that was one of the many reasons they were partners to begin with wasn’t it? With Jayce by his side there was a innate strength and understanding between them. He only wished he wasn’t such a burden on him at times even when he knew he wasn’t. 

Yet even then he couldn’t be helped but reminded of that train of thought as they were interrupted by a pair of boys running down the street, laughing as they trundled a bronze hoop down the street with a stick. It was a scene that reminded him of the water hole in his childhood. Even if, to a degree as he sat there, gazing up to watch them run by from his work of loosening up a joint screw too tight, he also felt reminded of what in childhood, stopped him from doing the same. He wondered what it was like to be free. 

[dhafindra]

[somethingstupidagainfuck]

[ O silêncio de Vitor ]

Vitor procurava, entre risadas

Contava 3 segundos ( como sempre )

1… 2… 3… desviava os olhos

( Alguém está olhando pra mim! )

Como um raio que cai duas vezes

( E eu quis olhar de volta!!! )

Uma vinda marcante de fato

A risada antes muito distante ( mas contagiante )

( Num salão vazio de sentido ) para Vitor

Agora se aproximava trazendo consigo

Tudo aquilo que o barulho é.

( Mas oque o barulho é? )

expressivo como um circo

Uma… ligação inesperada

( Tipo um colapso? ) Sim Vitor, tipo isso

O barulho é explosivo, fissurado, sensitivo, incontrolável

Vitor era um céu cinza ( talvez )

Esperando ser pintado de alguma cor nova

E pela primeira vez em muito tempo

( Alguém via esse céu ).

[getitoffyourchest-ness]

De Cuando Me Enamoré Despues de No Poder Amar y Escribi esta carta con Ode to Vivian en Bucle

Recuerdo bien donde empezó todo, recuerdo bien el dia en el que supe que llegabas a destruir paredes, y a perturbarme tal como ese temblor que fue el responsable de todo, recuerdo con detalle como me tire de cabeza al ¿porque no? y no dude en negarme al "si a todo" (pero contigo) Recuerdo mi falda beige y mi camisa de dragón, tu pantalon y camisa negros, el anillo que ahora es mio. Recuerdo cuando te dije que me habia rendido con el amor y el como emocionado preguntaste ¿porque? Con esa sonrisa que parecia reclamar tu lugar para hacer retractarme. (Esa determinacion a hacerme tuya, que me hizo mas facil que la tabla del cero. )

Como no recordarlo, si siento que ese dia empece a vivir (pero hey, no te des tanto credito) solo fue tu forma de mirar al mundo. De alguna manera lo que eres me hizo mejor, de alguna forma desde ti, empece a apreciar mejor la musica, a sentirla y darle sentido a sus letras, empece a ver el cine con otros ojos (y en su idioma original), empecé a disfrutar el aire en mi cara en el parque, y las calles de la ciudad. De alguna forma, desde ti, aprendi a amar, y no por amarte, sino por tu amor a todo.

Y no sé como a partir de la cuna de ese amor tan inmeso, en el que me convencia que el brillo de tus ojos al ver el atardecer de bogotá era igual que cuando me veias en vestido, e insistias por besarme bajo la lluvia; saltamos hasta aqui. Saltamos hasta ese dia en tu cama cuando te tenia en mis brazos sobre mi pecho y yo lloraba y tu me pedias que no te odiara. Ese dia en el que nos pasaban por las cabezas muchos porques. Y por eso pregunte porque me habias hecho quererte tanto. Y errada, pues esa respuesta siempre la tuve yo. Quererte fue algo que nacio de mi.

Te entregué la capacidad de regalarme buenos dias con solo saludarme, te otorgué mis noches en vela por mas que me moria por dormir, te di mi cuerpo a cambio de tu calor y mi corazon a cambio de un "mi niña". Te regale la capacidad de destruirme y reconstruirme con un beso. Te convertiste en el abrazo que espere 6 meses y no debi soltar, en la primera vez que ame realmente. (O al menos eso creo yo, ser romantica no me hace entender el amor.)

Y que ironico, aun sin entenderlo ni entenderte por completo, te quiero, te quiero inentendible, erratico, egocentrico, sabelotodo, te quiero a ti, al tatuaje que de a ratos te acompleja y a tu colonia eros versace inconfundible con la que me topo un par de veces al dia y no puedo evitar sentir que es olor a ti, te quiero aunque estes en el fondo de un abismo que se que no entiendes mejor que yo, te quiero aunque tengas dudas sobre tu capacidad de amar, te quiero a ti, a quien eras y a quien serás, a la forma en que me isnpiraste dibujarte toda una noche tan solo pensando en tu reaccion, a tu persona extrovertida a la que la ansiedad social le tiene miedo, te quiero a ti y a tu empeño por hacer todo bien, y cuidar tanto de tus crespos, Te quiero aunque seas tan coqueto que me de inseguridad, y aunque nunca me pediste ser novios pero si te empapaste trayendome un girasol.

Porque asi eres, entregado, todo lo que quieres es sumamente preciado y asi me haces sentir, por eso tenerte lejos se ha vuelto tan complicado .Por eso quiero tenerte siempre cerca de mi

Y odio pensar en la idea de que no seré yo. Pero tengo que. Talvez resignarme al hecho de que no seré yo la primer chica en caerle bien a ese gato que solo tiene ojos para ti, que no seré aquella a la que le preguntes que foto publicar o a la que tu mama y abuela quieran como su hija, ni esa con la que bailaras mientras cocinas (porque yo no se cocinar), que no seré con quien compartas pijamas de spiderman y te desveles viendo toda la saga de star wars, que no seré aquella primera con la que hagas el amor despues de un porro ni que te haga brownie con helado cuando estes bajoneado. Que no sere la persona que te escuche hablar admirandote en silencio cuando me expliques un libro. Y no quiero aceptarlo, que no seré yo... (se suponia que seria yo)

Y suena aterrador, quizas porque aun en medio de mi voz y presencia a medias, y mis ganas de aferrarme a ti como si la ultima chispa de mi vida dependiera de eso, si hubo ese algo que sabes que es, porque cuando lo sabes lo sabes.

Talvez y solo talvez ahora seguimos siendo dos, pero individuos separados. Talvez ahora ser los dos mas raros y conflictivos del parche no nos una, y solo nos distinga. Talvez que ambos nos sintamos como espectadores de una vida que no es nuestra y por eso amemos tanto observar y escribir, no nos hace realmente el tal para cual. Talvez de vez en cuando pienses en mi al ver la ciudad y yo piense en ti al ver la luna, pero nada más. (deberiamos acabar en un nada más?) (Talvez yo sea la unica de los dos que escriba sobre esto)

Quiero creer que soltandote no pierdo nada, porque si te suelto y nos volvemos a cruzar, podriamos empezar de cero. Y si te suelto, y no sucede nada, seremos amigos sin dolor de por medio. Y no hay nada que perder, no?. En serio quiero creer... Y convencerme de que el error en la ecuacion no fui yo, ni fue mi error por volar en vez de correr, por vivir mas arriba que abajo, que no es mi error por solo haber hablado de mis problemas cuando querias hablar de algo más, o cuando me pasaba de cariñosa en momentos serios, por no saber que decir cuando estabamos en silencio y llorar por todo.

Pero nada de eso importa ya, no? Que sepas que Te quiero (pero si alguien pregunta, no lo volvi a decir yo) Que eres más, mucho más de lo que crees y todos lo saben menos tú, Que no hay ni nunca habrá nada mal en ti ni en mi, Que agradezco cada momento, detalle, y mariposa que despues vomité. Que se que lastimarme no fue tu intención, y Que se que eres libre de amar aunque ese alguien no sea yo. Te suelto, y es la muestra más sincera de que contigo si fue amor, amor del raro, aunque ya no me tengas en tus manos.

PDT: Nos querremos de nuevo cuando seamos alguien más, o cuando te empiece a gustar el tomate. No sé .

Cómo pudiste haberme hecho tanto bien y al mismo tiempo tener que estar lejos por mi bien?

[thisantithesis]

hi em :P shuffle your favorite playlist and post the first five songs that come up. then copy/paste this ask to your favorite mutuals (if you’d like)

hiiiiii :3

uhmmmmm my fave playlist right now is this one so here are the first five i got on shuffle

time by tony ann

solas (slowed + reverb) by gibran alcocer

ode to vivian—rework by patrick watson

idea 7 (sped up) by gibran alcocer

the departure by max richter

i don’t have anyone specific in mind to tag so whoever wants to do it can :>

[tatuliko]

I’m back on tumblr but I have yet to come back to face reality.

[ellenswave]

[theatrangel]

What song best describes your muse?

OOC: Fiquei procurando outra música, mas eu sempre voltava pra essa(s), o que eu acho meio engraçado já que ela é só o ritmo.

Ode to Vivian - Rework

Acho que ela me passa bem o sentimento da Christine atualmente. É meio melancólica, mas não é exatamente triste. É linear, mas não chata. Eu consigo visualizar ela direitinho como se fossem ondas do oceano a noite. 🌊

E Ode to Vivian

É a mesma música e ao mesmo tempo não é. Acho que representa bem o passado dela e como ela vê o futuro também. Em vários momentos dá pra perceber que as notas "erradas" são tocadas, tem ruído, e chegando no final ela vai se misturando com outros sons, como se tivesse se diluindo com o ambiente.

[maquina-semiotica]

Patrick Watson, "Ode to Vivian - Rework" #NowPlaying

[musicdiaries]

Patrick Wason - Ode to Vivian (Rework)

[muchpreferredcustomers]

Patrick Watson - Ode To Vivian (Rework) - from Better In The Shade

[tinselsevgi]