#obviously we have no proof that it was budgie

[sidetongue]

my grandparents' gardener walked unannounced into her yard with her 3 dogs (Bonnie, Ella, Fury) and my 5 dogs (Henry, Harold, Moby, Budgie, Sprig) which... ok you are either very brave or very dumb

but anyway his exact words were "i don't know if i'm imagining it, but i think someone just chomped me.'

so like here's to budgie munching on gardeners so stealthily that they question if it was real

[timeisacephalopod]

Pest Control

A random IronPanther AU (with a side dish of Sam/Rhodey and Pepper/Natasha) in which T’Challa gets a sphynx and Tony becomes an expert advice giver in how to deal with your partner’s pets that you dislike.

Rhodey looks concerned probably because Tony looks overly serious. “T’Challa... has gotten a sphynx,” he says.

Rhodey squints. “A sphynx?” he asks and Tony nods. “That’s a cat, right?” he asks and Tony briefly reconsiders their friendship. They’ve been friends a long time but he has Pepper and she knows what a sphynx is so maybe he should stick with her.

“Its a hairless cat, yeah,” he says and Rhodey wrinkles his nose.

“Oh, ew, he got a goblin,” he says and Tony nods vigorously.

“You understand my pain!” T’Challa thinks this is an acceptable pet. A fucking bald cat. If he wanted to pet a bald mammal he’d pet T’Challa. Actually, he does that already. Its not really petting, but it kind of counts but that’s as close as Tony will get to petting a bald anything. Unless he somehow ends up in a situation in which he has to pet Okoye for some reason, she’s got less hair than T’Challa but she’d murder him if she even knew he’d considered such a thing to no because he values his life.

“Tell him cats in America either have hair or they’re bust,” he says, wrinkling his nose again.

“He’s going to tell me he’s not American and he’s right, which is why I have devised a plan to rid myself of this sphynx in a way that will work out for everyone, goblin cat included.” Just because he thinks the animal is an abomination doesn’t mean he wants to see the cat hurt. Just not in T’Challa’s lap where he might be forced to pet the damn thing.

“You’re going to contact whatever Erdrich horror put those things on this earth and tell it to take the cat back to the underworld?” Rhodey asks and Tony laughs.

Alright, this is why he’s friends with Rhodey. Dude is hilarious even if he’s apparently uneducated about what a sphinx is. “No. The cat hates cold hands on account of being bald, and if I spend enough time in the lab at a certain temperature my hands get cold. I use a lot of stuff that generates heat, makes sense that I wouldn’t have the heat up. Plausible deniability in case T’Challa catches me out.  Anyway, then I go to pet the cat. Cat hates cold hands, will not react well. Then it’ll look like the cat hates me and T’Challa will take his ugly goblin cat back to Wakanda and we can get a proper cat with hair,” he says, waving his hands around a little.

Rhodey nods, “that’s genius. Got any tips on how to get Sam get rid of his budgies? Because the birds hate me and they squawk all night but Sam loves them for some reason. I can’t stand the birds but I think releasing them into the wild might be bad for them,” he says. “And I don’t like the birds, but I don’t want to hurt the birds. Unless its three in the morning and they won’t shut up, then I kind of want to strangle the birds, but I wouldn’t actually strangle the birds.”

“Have you watched Hitchock’s The Birds with him?” Tony asks and Rhodey’s eyes grow wide.

“You’re a genius! This is why we’re friends. Those damn budgies are going to get the boot!” he says excitedly.

*

Tony sits beside T’Challa, who is petting his horrible creature of a cat. The cat gives him a lazy look with its creepy goblin eyes and Tony reaches out, letting the cat sniff him for a moment before he pets the cat. As expected the cat doesn’t like his cold hands and reacts negatively, recoiling and giving Tony a dirty look. “Okay then, sorry,” he tells the cat even though he’s not sorry at all. This thing can go hang out in Shuri’s lab because she’s a freak who likes these things too. And Okoye. She loves these cats, has like seven of them. Tony doesn’t understand why Wakandans like these cats so much but they do.

T’Challa carefully calms the cat again and it settles back into his lap. “She doesn’t seem to like you much,” he says. “Which is strange because I don’t think I’ve seen any other cat dislike you. They seem to flock to you normally.”

Good luck in Wakanda, cats liking you. Probably has something to do with their cat gods but Tony is so many layers out of the loop there that he just takes the good luck and runs with it. “No idea, I’ve never met a cat that didn’t like me,” he says honestly. This one doesn’t either, if his hands aren’t cold but Tony refuses to pet it. Its weird and he doesn’t like it.

He reaches out again and lets the cat sniff him and because the cat does like him she lets him pet her again. His hands are still chilly so the cat recoils again, giving him another dirty look before jumping from T’Challa’s lap and running off. T’Challa looks surprised to see her go. “I don’t understand why she keeps doing that,” he says.

Oh Tony does, and he’s hoping T’Challa’s hairless venture will be in another country by the end of the week.

*

The cat stares at Tony, gross little goblin feet on the counter despite also spending time in the litter box, and he glares at it. “Mark my words, you weirdly bloated little beast, you will be out of this house soon,” he tells the cat.

Obviously the cat has little to say about this and when Tony walks by the cat trots along beside the counter because the damn thing loves him. Tony ignores the cat, coming to a stop in front of the cupboard with the mugs in it and he reaches up to get one. The cat, taking advantage of his vulnerability, rubs along his stomach, purring lightly. He wrinkles his nose and pulls a mug from the cupboard. “Get off the counter, you know you’re not supposed to be up here,” he tells the cat. She jumps down, thankfully, but instead of trotting off she rubs herself along his pant leg.

This cat has got to go back to a country of people that will appreciate its weird hairless nature.

*

Tony has successfully cold handed the cat out of T’Challa’s lap for the fifth time this week and he frowns. “I think I may take her back to Wakanda. She seemed to like it better there,” he says, skirting around the fact that the cat doesn’t like him.

He’s fine with that. “Sounds great, when do you leave with her?” he asks, trying and mostly failing to temper the excitement in his tone.

T’Challa frowns, but doesn’t respond to his excitement. “Sunday. She likes the sun there and its cold this time of year,” he says, giving the nearest window a dirty look. Yeah, T’Challa likes the cold a lot less than his cat does.

“Do you have to put sun screen on her to avoid sun burns?” he asks, thinking on his feet. The cat’s bald, right? Wouldn’t its skin burn in the sun? Is that a thing?

“Yes, they are particularly susceptible to sunburns. Its why she’s kept inside and mostly away from sun spots even if she likes them.” Yeah, T’Challa has built little warm cat spots all over the house. Which would be fine if the cat had hair.

“Hm. Well, hope she likes Wakanda,” he says in a chipper tone.

*

Tony likes to think he’s subtle but he isn’t. He doesn’t like the sphynx and T’Challa had no idea why until he happened to be checking over security cameras to see if the cat had gotten into the garbage again when he discovers something else instead.

As it turns out the cat quite likes Tony, which makes her behavior odd given that she tends to dislike being pet by him. That had him confused him at first, why that would be, until he exits the lab and goes to pet the cat for himself only to have her recoil. It takes a minute to figure out his hands are chilly and the cat didn’t like it, but he figures it out nonetheless.

*

T’Challa is holding his ugly hairless skin sack- cats were meant to have hair damnit- looking upset. “What? Did the cat get into the garbage again? Because I’m telling you, that garbage could trick a raccoon and if it can trick a raccoon the cat is fucked,” he says. Those bandit eyes bastards can get into anything. Tony’s got this one that keeps coming around, he’s named it Rocket, and that little fucker is the smartest animal he’s ever met. He’s managed to make Tony work to keep the raccoons out and once Rocket gets in a whole damn hoard shows up ready to eat his trash.

There’s raccoon unfriendly things in there though so they need to go find regular household trash instead of his surprisingly high tech but not quite raccoon proof dumpsters. But his latest design is keeping them out so far and if Rocket can’t get in the cat can’t get in.

“You’ve been intentionally alienating the cat,” T’Challa says, offended and Tony frowns.

“Have not, cat’s just like that.” Plausible deniability, there’s no way he knows about the cold hand thing.

T’Challa, because he’s obviously intent on proving his point walks over and pushes the cat into his arms. Tony awkwardly handles the cat, who immediately starts purring like a little traitor. T’Challa watches him intently and he’s certain he hasn’t kept the disgust off his face given that T’Challa narrows his eyes. “Why don’t you like the sphynx?” he asks and Tony hands the cat back, wrinkling his nose and shaking himself out.

“Okay, I am sorry but that thing looks like a mutated scrotum and I don’t like its texture! Cats were meant to have hair T’Challa!” He gives the cat a look and T’Challa gives him a look.

“This cat is a perfectly wonderful and loving pet! There is nothing wrong with her because she has no hair! And your friends have allergies, I thought a hairless cat was a good compromise,” he says.

Tony wrinkles his nose, “if there’s even the thought of pet dander in the air Steve is sneezing, he takes allergy meds to go out in public because he runs into people with pets everywhere. Just get a real cat with hair, please,” he almost begs.

T’Challa gives him another offended look, holding his abomination of a cat close. “Maybe I will get myself a new significant other!” he says, upset.

“I like cats, I love cats, just not that one. Send it back to Wakanda- it’ll get plenty of love and we can have a normal cat here. One with hair, maybe lots of hair. I have an eye on this big fluffy cat the size of a butterball turkey named Jake at the shelter a couple blocks away,” he says. “He’s cute, and he’s old so he’s less likely to get adopted, and he’s really sweet and he might be fat but I think he’s just like that.”

The cat is adorable, a real sweet fluff ball. Much better than T’Challa’s current idea of a pet. “You would get a cat from a shelter?” T’Challa asks, touched.

Tony rolls his eyes, “I only get cats from shelters, they need adopting. Please send that particular cat to Wakanda and we can get a lovely rescue cat.”

*

Tony is pissed. The cat is sitting in his lap with T’Challa’s version of a compromise on it. “You skinned another animal to stick on this cat so it has hair?” he asks, looking down at the furry vest the cat is wearing.

T’Challa looks offended, “the fur isn’t real, Tony. That’s barbaric. But now the cat has hair so you can’t whine,” he says, petting the cat’s still hairless head.

“All this does is make the cat look like a scrotum but extra hairy and demented,” he says.

“I worry for the scrotums of America if they look like this cat. Yours certainly doesn’t look like this and if it does by chance end up looking like the cat please seek medical assistance,” he tells Tony.

He sighs, looking off into the distance because T’Challa is being deliberately obtuse and this isn’t what he wanted. A normal cat with normal hair, is it too much to ask for?

*

Rhodey looks annoyed. “Sam got two more budgies,” he mumbles and Tony sighs.

“T’Challa thinks a fur vest solves the hairless cat problem,” he says.

“Tony,” a new voice says and they turn to face Pepper, who’s all but running over to them. Impressive, considering she’s in heels.

She comes to a stop looking quite like she’s at her wits end. “I love Natasha, you know I do, but I can’t take her creepy black widows anymore!” she says, wrinkling her nose. “Tell me how to get rid of them.”

“My plan to get rid of that sphynx and Sam’s budgies have both failed, what makes you think I’ll succeed now?” Tony asks.

“Nothing, but doing something about the spiders is the best I can ask for right now. How do I get rid of them?” she asks.

Tony shrugs and Pepper rolls her eyes. “You’re useless,” she mumbles. “Do you think sticking them in the freezer will kill them off?” she asks.

“Oh that’s mean to the spiders,” Tony says. They can’t help looking like that but Rhodey clearly has no sympathy.

“Bugs are a scourge on this planet, they need to go,” he says.

Tony sighs. “You’re moving in together, right? Claim the building has some pet rule that includes spiders and get her to leave them at Clint’s so he and Coulson can suffer with them,” he says.

Pepper considers this for a moment before nodding, “I can absolutely fake the paperwork for that. Thanks, you’re a genius,” she tells him before running off.

Rhodey frowns, “she’s going to make a fake lease for this? Man, I should have tried that on Sam.”

“He would have made you move to an apartment that allowed the birds,” Tony reminds him and Rhodey sighs.

“Four budgies are worse than two. They have conversations, its creepy. Creepier post watching The Birds. Now the stupid things are nightmare fuel,” he says, shaking his head. “And Sam loves the little bastards.”

“At least the birds aren’t featherless,” Tony mumbles.

“Behold, a man!” Rhodey says in a deep voice and they both start laughing.

*

Sam walks up to Tony looking extra suave in aviators he knows he stole off Rhodey, who stole them off Carol, who stole them off Hope. The glasses get around almost as much as his friends do within their friend group. “I’ve heard you’re an expert on pest control,” he says vaguely and Tony frowns.

“Uh, I’m definitely not.” Unless its calling pest control. That he can do.

“I will get rid of one budgie if you help me rid this friend group of the worst human to ever exist Bucky god damn Barnes. I know Rhodey hates them,” he says, using a good leverage point but Tony can’t just get rid of Bucky.

“Short of dying Steve won't let him go anywhere,” he points out.

“I’m not strictly opposed to murder,” Sam says even though Tony knows he absolutely is.

He sighs, “T’Challa honey, come here,” he calls. He’s rewarded with T’Challa appearing somewhat quick and lucky him he has his hideous pet in tow.

Sam doesn’t even need Tony’s hint to do what he wants, he wrinkles his nose immediately. “Why is that oversized nut sack wearing an orangutan pelt?” he asks and Tony gives T’Challa a look.

“I was going to get you that cat you liked from the shelter but since you and your ignorant friends have insulted this poor animal, who has done nothing wrong, I will not,” he says, walking off with the cat.

Tony turns to Sam. “I think I may have a job for Bucky in Romania, but you need to get rid of two budgies and learn how to keep the remaining two quiet at night.”

Sam nods, “yeah, alright. I was only bird sitting the other two budgies anyway,” he says, walking off and Tony has been played.

To add insult to injury Pepper sends him a thank you text because his spider plan panned out. He couldn’t save himself from T’Challa’s hairless cat but Pepper gets saved from the spiders? There’s something wrong with this planet.