#obviously obviously that is true that it's not true y'know but i think it might be for me??

[somegrumpynerd]

Actually it turns out I had more thoughts about that post that I forgot about lol

Would Nightmare actually give up his boys? Yes and no

If it was just a black and white situation of they're miserable, they don't wanna be here, they have somewhere better to be, then yes. He would leave them out to wherever they needed to be despite his own feelings and very quickly realise afterwards just how much he'd gotten used to the noise and company. I think he would get a little clingy with Dream about it, which I'm sure Dream would find very weird after everything but not unwelcome, he did miss his brother after all.

(If he couldn't attach himself to Dream's side for whatever reason, I think he might just sit in his castle and go insane. Or maybe he'd just spend all day at Ccino's trying really hard to project that he just likes the atmosphere and isn't lonely as hell)

But the thing is, most of them don't have somewhere better to be. Horror has his au, and Nightmare would keep up the supply of food even if Horror said he wanted to quit at this point, so he would understandably let him return home. Killer, Dust and Cross effectively don't have aus anymore though, and they tend to get into self-destructive habits when they're left to their own devices. (Obviously bringing Color and Epic into the mix to make sure Killer and Cross are taken care of eases matters, but Dust doesn't really have any friends outside their group he could go stay with - that Nightmare knows about at least).

The flipside of this is that his boys may not necessarily want to be given up. I think if Nightmare got really in his head about this he could easily end up convinced this is the right thing to do without ever asking them if it's what they want, with potentially terrible results. He's established such a pattern of always returning to find Killer when they get seperated, that if he never showed up Killer might just keep sitting there and waiting for him greyfriar's bobby style, refusing to leave because he's certain his boss is coming back.

[ginevrapng]

you're alone with james in his room, lying in his bed and playing with his hair while he's laying his head on you. you've always loved playing with his hair and he's always loved you playing with it, he finds it relaxing and his hair is so silky and soft.

one of the many perks of him being head boy is that he has a separate room so he doesn't have to dorm with people anymore. he doesn't think there's a problem with sharing a room with his friends but when you used to come up to his room to spend time with him someone else would always be there talking to you, stealing your attention. he could handle when remus or sirius brought people back for the night with simple silencing charms and closing of the curtains but it was a different story when he wanted to see only you and instead you included everyone in the conversations you were having, you might have even ended up on one of the others bed. he wanted you all to himself. now that he's head boy he's gotten his wish and he gets all your attention.

james is so comfortable he could fall asleep. with the combination of you playing with his messy hair, him getting to feel your warmth and your cute squishy tummy underneath his head, he's in heaven. there's no place he'd rather be than with you.

you can tell that james is close to falling asleep due to him starting to talk less and when he does he does it languidly. "mmph, you're so comfy and soft."

you giggle at that, " 'm glad to hear it jamie. y'know if you end up falling asleep i'll do the same."

as you say that you hear sirius swinging the door open, followed by remus and peter. james grumbles at the noise and turns his head away from the door so he's laying with his cheek pressed up against you and nuzzles you. "you should of knocked sirius," remus scolds him.

"oh, give over. it's not like they were doing anything," sirius retorts.

james grabs hold of your waist tightly, silently wishing for them to leave and him to be able to continue nearly falling asleep on you. "yeah sirius, next time knock." james' heart beats quickly and his breathing hitches. is this a confession? "we could of been talking shit about you or conspiring against you." james wants to feel let down that it's not a confession about how you might have been together in ways that would constitute a silencing charm and closing of curtains, but he can't, you're so cute, just so very you, he laughs and true smile appears on his face, where his eyes crinkle at the corners with cheeks raised high.

"you may have forgotten prongs, because obviously i so rudely interrupted you, but we've got a prank planned with snivellus right now," sirius looks at you both and smirks.

"i thought you've been more careful with your pranks recently guys. why are you pranking snape?" you sit up and look at them all.

"because, my dear, snivellus deserves it," sirius replies leaning against the wall. james narrows his eyes at the term of endearment sirius called you, it went unnoticed by you but sirius noticed and smirked again.

you roll your eyes at 'snivellus deserves it', snape always deserves it but james said he'd try and be more careful this year since he's been appointed head boy and remus is a prefect as well. they said if they're going to be pulling anymore pranks they'll be more discrete but you don't think it will be discrete with the way sirius is talking.

"it was james' idea actually," remus adds on.

james sits up and he comes to his own defence quickly, "he a thousand percent deserves it this time."

you cross your arms and look at him annoyance, "you're not going to tell me why this time are you?"

"no, but you'll have to believe me on this." you grab hold of his arm and pout before dramatically falling back on the bed. james grins again as he takes that as a yes and pulls you back up. "are you gonna stay here until after 'm back?"

you shake your head and shuffle closer to him, " it's getting late jamie, i'm going back to m' dorm."

he thought you'd say that but he also had hoped that you'd stay and he'd come back with you asleep in his bed. "alright love, see you tomorrow morning?"

you nod you head and kiss his cheek before getting up, "night everyone, night jamie. please try not to get into any trouble tonight."

"can't make any promises," sirius tells you before remus whacks his arm.

"we'll be fine," peter reassures you.

"yeah, i'll keep everyone in check," remus tells you.

they successfully carried out their prank that night without getting caught. that morning you see snape with bright pink hair and the marauders grinning brightly. james grins the most, payback for calling my best friend someone you wouldn't touch with a ten-foot broomstick when rosier asked if you liked her and were friends. like she'd ever, EVER want to be friends with you, like she'd ever, EVER even tolerate you.

[starreo]

multi-character drabble.

includes alcohol consumption, adult themes so, mdni.

he got drunk around you a lot. and when he got drunk, he got too real.

last time, he'd mentioned how much in love with you he was, and how just everything about you was way too perfect to him. his confession, obviously shocked you, and led to a thorough investigation in the morning when he sobered up, completely unaware of the previous night's events.

and after you'd gotten a sober confession out of him, you let him ask you out again. though it was all messy and stuttery, you preferred it over his drunk one.

this time, you were sitting on his couch, after a nice candle-lit date, a glass of wine in hand as you watched him pour some for himself...chuckling as you noticed him side-eyeing you, mumbling about being more careful this time.

and as usual, he got carried away. glass after glass, he kept pouring it till the bottle was empty, sentences sounding so slurred as his eyes had a hazy cover to them. "a-and, y'know...then, i-i did...smth'...uhh-y'know..." he leaned in closer to you, his cold breath hitting your neck as he whispered his little secret in your ear, "s-sometimes, i think...of you," he gulped, looking at you as if he had revealed the most scandalous secret and all you could do was giggle in response, pulling his cheeks in awe.

"mhm, what do you think of...?" you asked, fingers still stretching his cheeks. "of y-you...when, 'm touchin' myself...." and that seemed to shock you because your grip on his cheeks widened, only letting go once you heard an "ouch!..." it was probably the first time the two of you had discussed something like this...it was probably wrong to probe him about it right now, in this state. you thought, as you watched him, amuse himself with the strings of your dress.

but then again, you might not get this chance again, "and...?" you ask, cocking an eyebrow as you ask him to elaborate. his eyes looking right into your soul as he smirks, a light blush appearing on his nose as he stutters over his words, "s-so...usually, i just think of your nails leaving scratches in my back as i bury my cock inside your tight little cunt," and your eyes widen, not having enough time to wonder over how confidently he just said that, when he slams his wet, drooly lips against yours, mumbling between the kiss, about how he wants to make his dreams come true.

eren jaeger, reo mikage, gojo satoru, bakugo, yuri briar (there is sm depth to his character, and if you don't understand it then,, just don't talk about him !!)

© starreo 2023. do not copy, translate or repost .

[cosmorandom]

I hope we get to see more of Aster's acting capabilities from a more introspective view point. It's so fascinating to me how he and Morvay are almost opposites when it comes to communicating with real emotions.

Morvay is joked around to be insatiable and shameless with how horny he is, but that's because he's so honest that it becomes his detriment. Morvay is so accepting of his own emotions, how he functions and presents himself that what people might think of him is a mere afterthought. I'm sad that a lot of people miss it, but Morvay acts largely by his own emotions and desires, it's only at really important moments that he sets aside his own wants in favor of the most optimal outcome. And even then, he'll show hesitation or a clear distaste for it. It's not just lust, Morvay is so unbelievably honest to both himself and the world that it gets used as a punchline for innuendos. And because of this, Morvay can't lie (at least, lie by himself without instruction or guidance) or act to save his life.

Aster on the other hand is harder to read. In his SSR intimacy rooms (as well as his R room I think) Aster states that in order to keep up the appearance that he's a human being, he's had to stage his own death and pretend to be his own descendant. Because of this, Aster had to learn how to talk, act and present himself differently across his fake lives. Not only that, but most obviously, Aster is a businessman, a morally questionable one at that. We've seen multiple time throughout events and stories that Aster has the ability to manipulate and pull strings for the convenience of both himself and Eiden. Aster would also need to act in these cases. He needs to put a front, make himself look desperate or powerful. Make it seem like he's on his last legs or have exactly what the other party wants.

Even outside of business, Aster acts. He's kind of a brat, loves attention, pretends to be angel while being into hardcore BDSM with him as the Dom.. And I can't help but wonder... What if the writers addressed this on a deeper level? With both morvay and aster.

Imagine an event or a chapter with Aster questioning his own honesty. When Eiden praises him, is it real gratitude or is it him desperately clinging onto a master's love? When he makes money, does he truly enjoy the feeling of income or is it the feeling of owning something, controlling something, that makes him happy? When he parades himself to be cute, generous, wise and a person worth adoring, is that a true display of ego or is Aster reassuring himself? Reassuring himself that he's a person worth loving because of all the years of solitude and neglect? You could say the "pretending to be okay" has been done by Eiden, Edmond or Olivine, but those guys are usually aware of themselves to a degree. They pretend to be okay for the comfort of others, but in Aster's case, it's pretending for the comfort of himself.

Imagine if we could tie this into Morvay as well. Because Morvay has been true to himself since his birth, surely Aster would want to know what that's like. To simply be yourself without consequence, to be that "shameless". Hell, Morvay could probably help Aster realize his baggage in this way, though he may not be fully aware of it. Even though they've been living together for nearly a century, the way they live is so different from one another. Morvay has always been himself despite his ups and downs, and Aster has changed in order to cope with the pain of being abandoned. Imagine Aster, genuine and confused, asking Morvay "How do you do it? How do you live purely as yourself and not like anyone else?"

And y'know what, let's add Eiden in here as well!! Because as much as Eiden knows about the struggles and traumas of his clan members, the game very unfortunately hasn't gone very deep with him and his familiars. I hope to god Chapter 16 goes into them more, and addresses what Huey's disappearance has done to these poor men. Aster especially. Morvay is open as a public bible (ironically), but even Eiden misunderstands or can't get a full read on Aster. He knows the familiars desperately miss Huey, and were devastated at Huey's disappearance, but imagine Eiden finding out just how much deeper their trauma goes. Imagine Eiden holding his familiars close and promising that he's not going to abandon them, not going to leave them without a word, and that he loves them dearly. That would especially destroy Aster.

This particular statement may age poorly, but imagine if Aster and Morvay never once heard Heuy say that he loves them? Like, yes, he may have shown gratitude and praised the familiars doing their jobs, but imagine if they never got a full blown "I love you" from the man? And what if Eiden was the one to finally deliver that message for them? God. DEVS HIRE ME I'LL WORK FOR FREE SSRs (/j)

[basilpaste]

Act 4: Bathroom Tangent

If: No "On Command!" Ability

〔You close the door to the bathroom stall softly.〕

〔Haha! That's so unlike you, isn't it? You're supposed to be loud!〕

〔Big, strong, stupid Isabeau who slams doors and just had to use the restroom right before a super important fight! That's you alright!〕

〔You haven't actually had to use the restroom since the first time. You could just stop coming here, couldn't you? You could just do something else? But… it would feel weird to break the habit so far in.〕

〔You swallow and it feels like your tongue is caught in your throat.〕

〔Like you're choking.〕

〔Your head feels all fuzzy and your body is like lead and—〕

〔You cough down a sob.〕

〔It's not like you think it's bad to cry!!! It's just, uh, you have to be quiet right now!〕

〔Plus! You're a pretty emotional guy! You cry plenty!〕

〔Except… that's not really true, is it?〕

〔Do you even remember the last time you cried?〕

〔Okay. Maybe crying is the answer, then!!! Catharsis, y'know? It might help to finally get some tears going!〕

〔So. What's the hold up?〕

〔You almost cried a second ago, right? So what changed? Is it just that you're actively thinking about wanting to cry now? Because that hasn't stopped you before! You're actually pretty in-tune with your emotions! So this shouldn't be so hard!〕

〔Seriously! No one will even see you! So it's not a big deal!〕

〔…〕

〔Obviously just wanting to cry isn't enough!!! That's fine! That's okay. You can just… make yourself cry.〕

〔You open your eyes as wide as you can and stare at the stall door.〕

〔Seconds tick by.〕

〔Your eyes itch and burn with the effort and your vision has gone all hazy from dryness but this isn't really working! Like at all!!!〕

〔You blink. Tears coat your eyes but do not fall.〕

〔Okay! That's alright! Maybe you were wrong! You don't actually need to cry.〕

〔You're fine.〕

〔You've just gotta keep moving! That's all!!!〕

〔You need to figure out how the loops work. Understand them better than you do right now.〕

〔It's… kind of your last option? You know about the King (you don't think about it), you know about Time and Wish Craft, you know about things that don't even matter to the loops at all!〕

〔All that's left is to figure out why everything restarts when you talk to m'dame Head Housemaiden.〕

〔You don't want to assume that it's something she did! Because she's someone that your friend really cares about!!〕

〔…〕

〔Your friend.〕

〔Haha!!! Funny joke, Isabeau!!! Forgetting stuff is Sif's thing!!!!!〕

〔See? SEE?! You remember his name just fine! Sif! Siffrin! Sifarooni!!!〕

〔So why don't you—〕

〔No, no! It's okay! Sometimes when people are stressed, they forget stuff! It's not like you actually forgot her name! It'll come to you any second now!!!〕

〔She's… She's kind and clever and she's nervous a lot of the time but you've watched her grow so much over the course of her journey. You were the first one to go along with her! The two of you spent a lot of time by yourselves before meeting anyone else!〕

〔You know her name. You do! Of course you do.〕

"Um… Isabeau?"

〔MIRABELLE.〕

〔"Mirabelle!!"〕

"Oh! You haven't called me 'Mirabelle' in a while!"

〔You haven't.〕

〔"Sorry! You, uh! Spooked me, Mira!!!"〕

"I did? Oh, Change! I'm so sorry! I was just… checking in on you? You've been in there a while."

〔"Hah! I didn't even realize! Got caught up in saving-the-country thoughts, y'know? I'll be out in a minute!"〕

"…"

〔Was that… too much energy? Even you can tell that came out kinda forced.〕

"Okay!" She pauses. "I will see you! Outside of the bathroom! In a minute!!!"

〔"You've got it!"〕

〔You hear her walk away.〕

〔Wow. That was a pretty weak performance, Isabeau! That's why you should leave the acting to the pros.〕

〔Mira. Mira, Mira, Mirabelle. You know her name. You didn't forget. See?〕

〔You press the heels of your palms into your eyes.〕

〔Okay. Okay! You're good! You're alright! You've got stuff to do!!!〕

〔You're okay.〕

〔You exit the bathroom.〕

If: Yes "On Command" Ability

〔You close the door to the bathroom stall softly.〕

〔Haha! That's so unlike you, isn't it? You're supposed to be loud!〕

〔Big, strong, stupid Isabeau who slams doors and just had to use the restroom right before a super important fight! That's you alright!〕

〔You haven't actually had to use the restroom since the first time. You could just stop coming here, couldn't you? You could just do something else?〕

〔What'd be the point, even if you did?〕

〔Nothing's going to change.〕

〔You swallow and it feels like your tongue is caught in your throat.〕

〔Like you're choking.〕

〔Your head feels all fuzzy and your body is like lead and—〕

〔Oops!〕

〔If you do that, you'll end up looping back! And wouldn't it be embarrassing to do that when you don't even have to?〕

〔It'd be super embarrassing, yeah!!! So! You're fine.〕

〔You're fine, aren't you?〕

〔You're making progress. Even if it's… kind of slow. The more answers you have, the longer it takes to find new paths to go down! It makes sense! The logic follows.〕

〔For now, all you've got to do is understand the loops better than you do right now! Why stuff restarts when you talk to the Head Housemaiden!〕

(from here, the scene plays out as normal, starting at 〔You don't want to assume that it's something she did! Because she's someone that your friend really cares about!!〕)

[rygujis]

⊹˚. ♡ what are we? draken x f!reader . 592 wc . crack, feat. hina & emma, draken's a tease, i might make another part of this

for months now, you and draken have been "seeing eachother". it's hard to explain. he's been taking you on all these cute dates, you've been flirting with one another, the two of you hold hands in public without even realizing it, and your friends have all assumed you're dating, which has made you start thinking,

"what are we?"

neither you or draken have asked eachother this, nothing has been made official, and frankly, you're afraid to ask. it seems like a dumb question, but could you really be blamed for asking it? you didn't know, and you aren't quite sure he knows either.

with encouragement from emma and hina, bless their hearts, you go ahead and pick up your phone. reluctantly, you dial his number, before hitting the big green button, you look up at your friends, whom both give you a nod and thumbs up. you shake off your worries, and call draken.

the phone rings for what feels like eternity, making your foot tap impatiently. suddenly, you hear a, "hello?" you nearly hang up right there. the whole pep talk you'd just gotten seems to of went right out the window, and you start to shake. "hi."

"what's up?" you realize how late it is, checking the clock on your nightstand. it's 12 am.

"i didn't wake you up, did i?"

"i was just 'bout to go to sleep, but don't worry about it."

"cool, cool."

silence.

"so.. why'd you call?" draken sounds confused, usually something like this would irritate him, like, if mikey had called him this late and just stayed quiet he'd be pretty ticked off, but he has a godly amount of patience when it comes to you.

"i wanted to ask you something."

he stays quiet.

"what- uh... what are we?"

more silence.

"ain't it obvious?" you freeze. seemingly. you turn a very deep red, because emma starts to giggle into hinas shoulder.

"what do you mean?" you can't help but laugh nervously, filled with anxiety. what does he mean? is he saying that in a "we're nothing more than friends, obviously!" kind of way or in a "obviously we're together!" way? it's hard to read his tone, that's right in between sounding playful and confused.

"tell me, what do you want us to be?"

oh, he wants you dead. that's basically impossible to say out loud with your two snickering best friends in front of you. you point to your door, mouthing "get out." at the two girls, resulting in hina scurrying out, dragging a whiny, nosy emma out with her.

"i- uh. i guess i was hoping we could be. y'know."

"no, n/n, i don't know."

you sigh, pouting dramatically. "y'know.. official. girlfriend 'nd boyfriend." you nearly throw up in your mouth out of sheer embarrassment, but you were proud of yourself for finally getting that out after questioning your relationship nonstop for the past week.

"hmm.. i suppose that could work."

"you suppose?!" he laughs, making you smile.

"i'm just kiddin', y/n. i'd love to make things official."

like a teen girl in one of those corny movies you watch, you fall on your back and kick your feet out of excitement. it almost felt like a dream come true, you've finally made it to the next base after months of build up.

"great."

"great."

"see you tomorrow?"

"sounds great."

"bye."

"bye."

the phone is still snug against your ear as you squeal in excitement, the que for the girls to run back in and bask in the excitement with you.

i might make a "part two" for this.. in quotes bc it could techically be a standalone but yk

[myhandsarentsmudgediusedigital]

So!

Delphine.

One of the last Blades, undercover as an inn owner, hates all things dragony, bossyass old Breton lady. Like all Skyrim characters, she's underused and underdeveloped in the vanilla game.

I have thoughts on her now.

Warning: SPOILERS FOR A BARD'S TALE BY GABBICAV (link to the story here)

I was going through and revamping one of my old Dragonborns I hadn't worked with in a while*. And I got an idea for a scene that happens right after the fight at Kynesgrove. Minerva and Michel** drag Delphine out of town to finally get an explanation as to who she is.

And as I was writing her dialogue, I realized that her motivation isn't just about the Blades.

Of course she wants to reform the Blades, that much is obvious, but I don't think that's the end of it. It's not just the Blades she wants back, she wants everything back: the Dragonborn, the Empire being whole, and the Blades being the Emporer's most trusted bodyguards.

Delphine wants the Third Era back, or at least the idealized version of it she has in her head. As far as she's concerned, everything started going wrong as soon as Martin died.

Here's a quick quote from what I wrote that I think helps lay it out:

“That’s what we’ve been doing since the fourth era began. We’ve been waiting for a new Dragonborn, a new emperor, to appear, and become the true heirs of the Empire.” Michel let out a low whistle. “True heirs, huh? The Mede dynasty might have an issue with that.” Delphine scowled. “The Medes can go suck an egg. Ever since Martin Septim sacrificed himself, the Empire has been going downhill! If there’s one thing these past two centuries have proven, it’s that only a Dragonborn can keep Tamriel together!”

Of course we know this isn't entirely true. While the Empire did fall apart in the Fourth Era, cracks were already starting to show even back in the Third Era, what with the Simulacrum and the War of the Red Diamond and all. The Third Era might have been more stable, but it was hardly peaceful.

But Delphine either doesn't know this or doesn't care. She wants that idealized vision back.

A while back, I read A Bard's Tale by Gabbicav on AO3 (if you like bards, intrigue, sibling rivalry, and a new perspective on dragons, this is for you).

Delphine is (probably unsurprisingly) an antagonist in the story. I'm going to put what exact actions she takes between spoiler warnings just in case.

In the story, Delphine, not the Dark Brotherhood, assassinates Titus Mede on his visit to Skyrim. At the time I believed it was simply for narrative convenience and to make her more villainous, but thinking about it from this new perspective it makes sense: Delphine views the Medes as imposters unworthy of the throne. They're not Dragonborn, that's why the Blades didn't serve them and why the Penitus Oculatus had to be created.

Plus, y'know, she probably hates him on a personal level for signing the Concordat.

Anyways, I forget if she and Esbern work with the Stormcloaks in the story or if they just happen to also be an antagonistic force, but her working with Ulfric wouldn't be out of character.

You see, Ulfric:

a) Hates the (current) Empire

b) Hates the Thalmor

c) Has charisma enough to have at least a cult following

d) Obviously doesn't agree with the Greybeards because he left their order

e) Idolizes Tiber Septim/Talos

Add to that the fact he can Shout, even if he isn't actually Dragonborn, it might be tempting for Delphine to forge an allience.

Hell, maybe that was her original plan before the dragons and last Dragonborn showed up.

And now she has someone better then Ulfric: a real live Dragonborn that can absorb souls and kill dragons. Who can shout naturally. A true heir to the Ruby Throne.

All that goes a long way towards explaining her behavior. First, she makes sure you're the real deal. Then she sets you on the path to seeing the atrocities the Thalmor commit (even if they're not actually behind the return of the dragons) and reopening the old Blades temple.

And it explains why she's so huffy about Paarthunax. She and the Blades are supposed to be your most trusted advisors, not a dragon who's committed several atrocities (let's ignore that was thousands of years ago and he's been trying to make up for it since)! She has the very specific idea of what a Dragonborn is, and when you inevitable don't measure up to that for whatever reason, she gets angry.

Delphine is a frustrating character, even with development. She longs for a bygone era of peace that didn't ever exist, where she and those in her organization were held with the highest respect and not hunted down and killed, where the Thalmor don't exist, and all is right with the world (in her view).

And that is why you will never change her mind.

...sounds pretty familiar. Maybe she and Ulfric should team up after all...

*Minerva, if you're curious, may post art of her and her brother soon...if I remember...

**Previously known as Gildas, he's become Minerva's twin dragonborn instead of her older mundane brother

[allwormdiet]

Sentinel 9.6

Well.

At least we're not as fucked as Brockton Bay.

"Ugh, how dare crime be prevented so I can't beat the shit out of the people doing the crimes for my own catharsis" - sentiments of the utterly normal

This glimpse into the inner workings of these two has not endeared me to them any further, tbh. I think the time in which they can actually turn these impressions around is starting to dwindle.

So. Here's Sophia's worldview laid plain, and it's about what I expected. Might makes right, violence and desperation and greed are the true nature of humanity, everyone can be divided between sheep and wolves and she refuses to be a sheep.

Mostly I think I'm just curious as to what, exactly, shaped her to be this way. Like obviously whatever caused her to trigger is a factor, but I don't know if any parahuman has had a complete overhaul of their personality brought about by their power coming online; I suspect that she'd followed some version of this mentality before the worst day of her life (so far) proved her right.

I can't imagine Piggot would be thrilled that Shadow Stalker thinks so highly of her, or at least the why of it.

This is cool, though. Give Wildbow credit, he can make just about any sensation of using a power sound rad as hell.

*sighs* Fucking Nazis

At least Sophia is sensible about what to do with them

Another neat fight scene, this one is a bit quicker than the Travelers tussle so I kinda like it more. That and it involves beating the shit out of Nazis.

Ruh roh Raggy

hiimdaisy_adachi_murder.mp3

Oh yeah, why eliminate the villain who you know is a particular threat to you, specifically, when you can try to torment her first?

This isn't even me saying that Sophia should try to murder Skitter, bc obviously I prefer the latter to the former, but taking the whole thing of seeing her secret identity into consideration, the response to crossing paths should be "take her down fast and hard," not "put her back against the wall and make her panic"

It's gonna fucking break her brain when she realizes Taylor is Skitter, huh?

There's something really funny about how basically every outsider POV we've gotten on Skitter involves hating her ass. Truly cursed to be unpopular.

I like the logical weaknesses of Sophia's power so far. Things getting into her shadow form, like bugs, fuck with her ability to remanifest because she has to "shove" them out of where she's going to solidify. The electricity I'm less clear on, maybe just some quirk of what she's "made" of in her altered state, but it's a good way to explain why she can't just leap through buildings willy nilly. The thing with the gas/vapor absorption that gets mentioned in a second also makes sense and is pretty neat.

Hey Sophia do you maybe regret playing with your food a little bit

Also still cool to see Skitter's powers from the outside POV

God that's so cool

...Y'know, if these two could get over their bullshit for like, a minute, they could probably have some very cathartic hate-makeouts. More blood than normal for kissing but less blood than normal for their usual interactions.

Lol

Lmao

Nuts that what threw her off in this moment was looking for a secondary murder weapon to cover up her power's tell.

Also: get fucked Sophia.

And you fell for it hook line and sinker, because you're a petty tunnel-visioned sadist.

Got the whole crew doing the group pose, love to see it

Also: hi Aisha, glad you get to join the team, sorry you had a trigger event, hope the future scenes with you are less uncomfortable than your first one

Skitter is so fucking good at playing up the villain role, she really should be proud of the work she puts into it.

Not entirely sure why they're kidnapping Shadow Stalker, but I'm sure it's going to be another photo album moment for the Undersiders and their rise to prominence.

Concluding Thoughts

Y'know, a lot of trouble could've been avoided if Sophia just ignored that impulse to play with her prey. I'm not gonna be like "oh why can't she just rein in the violence" because every parahuman we've met so far is either a participant or facilitator of violence, but the cruelty is what's gotten her in trouble here. Not only did she only get baited into this trap because she refused to make an earlier attempt at the killing blow, not only did she take the bait of hunting down a lone villain while a PRT convoy was under attack by fucking Nazis, but the hostility might have been avoided if she hadn't gotten her kicks from tormenting and assaulting Taylor. If Sophia was just Emma's friend who hung back and watched as she tormented Taylor, things might've differently all the way back in the medical tent, but alas, she was a willing and gleeful participant.

Little concerned about what the fuck they're going to do to her, but there's nothing to do but wait and see.

Also, cautiously glad that Imp has arrived, she seems fun from what I've picked up via osmosis, again fingers crossed that her continued presence in this story doesn't involve nearly as much wincing as Tangle 6.3 because holy shit.

[dokidokitsuna]

So I was on Twitter a lot during the recent Big Run, and I saw a lot of talk about the 'Save Our Salmons' image and whether that + the giant massacre we just carried out might lead to some kind of consequence down the line. ^^; Like, it feels like the Salmonids kinda want us to stop...and we are clearly not listening...

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it-- Grizzco is obviously an unethical institution in-universe. As in, even if Mr. Grizz/Li'l Judd wasn't a shady bastard and the company was safe and well-run, the thing that it exists to do-- steal resources from sentient beings-- would still be wrong. To the point where it kinda made me uncomfortable to hear Deep Cut collabing with Grizzco's lobby music...like...although the remix is a banger, this feels like a step too far. ^^;; First the Anarchy Splatcast shilling and now this...when Grizzco as a company is inevitably turned into a direct antagonist, is Deep Cut going to regret being so involved with it? Are any of the idols gonna discuss this...? I feel like the type of harm that Grizzco does isn't the kind you can just brush aside with camp-- we're either gonna have to employ some dark humor or just go the sincere route and admit that the cute mascots did a bad...

Anyway, speaking of antagonists: I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone express this idea yet, but I think we're pretty clearly gearing up for a Salmonid villain at this rate. ^^; The Octarians are already getting stale (+ Octavio's basically our friend now~), and the Salmonids are the only established 'evil army'-type force left. I'm calling it now, eventually some Salmonid warlord is gonna decide enough is enough and invade, to take back all the golden eggs that were stolen from them.

And if you think I have brain-worms about Mr. Grizz, you won't wanna be around me when we get an edgy Salmonid dude threatening to blow up the city with a giant Stinger or whatever. (◕ヮ◕)*:･ﾟ✧ Also, I would commit unspeakable acts for a single-player campaign soundtrack by ω-3: despite their relatively miniscule discography, they are far and away my favorite band in the series. Everything they do is always fresh and unique; I really REALLY want more songs in their style. ^^ If anyone can replace Turquoise October/Octoplush, they can.

But wait, there's more to this idea: if we do get a Salmonid villain, they won't be the final boss. ;) I think they'll just oppose us for most of the campaign, before we finally reach an understanding and Li'l Judd, Grizzco's new CEO, emerges as the true big bad, so we can team up and take him down...kinda similar in structure to RotM. And y'know, if that rumor I heard a while back about a Splatoon series spinoff game turns out to be real, I hope ^this is it. Close out the original formula and the story arc of the first three games with a nice sendoff like this, and then emerge with something totally new and different for Splatoon 4.

[crimeronan]

Camila horror thoughts. In the horrifically fraught family horrors sense of the term.

What if Vee has specifically warned Camila about Hunter, told her all about what he specifically has done in order to give her a heads up, in a way naturally coloured by the views she has (not unreasonably) built up around Hunter because of all the stuff she's done.

So naturally she's got this wariness of Hunter that does not compute when she sees how genuinely caring he is with Luz even if logically she knows people can act remarkably differently in different contexts and none of it negates all the stuff he did with The Basilisks for Belos. But Camila is still pretty sure that Luz doesn't know, and is terrified that if she knew it might destroy something that she is desperately reliant on, her relationship with Hunter. It probably wouldn't, Luz could probably live with that since well horrible nightmare trauma soulmates and by Luz's standards she's done just as bad in a similar context but Camila and Luz keeping secrets for almost the exact same reason (to protect the people they love from horrors they are too insane to be affected by) appeals to me.

But the problem now arises, Camila's told Luz that she has adopted another kid, and Luz in the spirit of trying her best to reach out does want to see Vee or have her visit with Camila next time she comes or something like that since like, thats a normal thing to do on reconnecting with your estranged mother and finding out you have an adopted sister you've never met.

Vee, bless is not going along with that "don't tell Luz how horrible Hunter is since she is hopelessly codependent on him" bullshit at all. Camila knows that, Vee knows that. Camila knows she cannot ethically or reasonably expect Vee to not spill all of Hunter's darkest secrets to Luz in an attempt to ruin his life since, y'know all the stuff he did to her specifically.

For Vee the nicest most compromise-y thing she can do, is just never meet Luz face to face, and thats only because of her respect for Camila. But there's no way Luz isn't going to to notice or be concerned about this so there's this constant ticking time bomb of "when am i gonna meet Vee' since "oh she's off at college" isn't gonna work forever.

god this is all so good. i've been thinking about it since you sent this ask a few hours ago now. bc like. god. there's So Much....

i think you're 100% right that vee would try to stay out of things. she's like mama respectfully i'm ready to meet her IF i'm allowed to scream a lot of pent-up utterly unhinged bullshit but otherwise i think it's best for me not to be involved.

and camila is SUCH a bad liar. if she tried to say that things were fine with vee, luz would clock that something was wrong immediately. she obviously wouldn't jump to "she's from the isles" when there are so many more obvious conclusions -- maybe vee is jealous of luz for being the first daughter camila loved, maybe she's angry at luz for running away, maybe she's sick of luz monopolizing camila's time now when vee is used to having their mom all to herself....

regardless of what luz thinks is most likely, she's definitely like. Ah. I Am Driving A Wedge Between Them. This Is My Fault. On A Personal Level. Somehow.

and then on camila's end, that's even true to a point.... bc vee is getting increasingly more upset by the idea of protecting luz's feelings. i can absolutely see a very tired vee finally having the stress get to her & snapping, "why do you think she'll CARE?? she isn't going to care. even if she's as nice a person as you think she is, it's not like i'm a human or a witch. i'm nothing. she doesn't know how to care about people like me"

...there is, of course, a delicious and vicious irony in that. like. luz Very Much Does Know how to care about someone who isn't a witch or a human.

Oh God.

and then whenever luz meets vee, when it all finally Does come out.... i feel like it would sort of be worse for vee than anything she'd actually braced for. because luz DOES immediately care, she does act like it matters, she immediately wants to know everything and fix everything and make it all better, she immediately takes on all of the responsibility for everything the empire's ever done, she's so sorry, she didn't know, she would have done something, she can do something now--

--and vee is like well. HE knew. and he sure didn't want to help me!! even though i asked him to!! even though he KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO ME THE ENTIRE TIME

hunter has wisely remained quiet because he doesn't think he can really defend himself here. and luz has this moment of uncertainty and confusion, and then she looks at hunter's face, and for a second vee thinks that he's just going to straight-up deny it, but he doesn't. and luz seems to understand that it's all true.

and she doesn't look angry. or even betrayed.

and then she's trying to tell vee that hunter was always in danger when they were growing up, that there must have been extenuating circumstances that made rescue impossible, that he would have helped her if he could, that luz KNOWS he would have because he wouldn't just leave vee to suffer for no reason, that's not the kind of person he is,

and hunter is the one to be like luz. stop. she doesn't need to hear that right now. she can hate me. it's fine.

so vee's opinions on luz are like. 1) i hate that you're so nice that i look insane for being angry with you 2) you're a spineless coward who can't hold anyone accountable 3) you've fooled camila into thinking you're some helpless delicate flower by pretending to be sad when you DON'T care 4) if hunter is going to agree with me about anything then i should legally get to shoot him. just like once. i've never touched a gun or had any inclination to do so before today But I Should Get To Shoot Him .

camila's role in mediating this has mainly been to gently steer the conversation into more productive territory when it looks like it might devolve into panic attacks or violence from anyone involved. she's so fucking stressed by trying to keep things from coming to blows that there's like. no Way that she could do a professional-level job of Family Therapy Mediator.

god.

much 2 consider.

[supersoakerfullofblood]

Conflict and Genre; Hurting Our Characters in Ways That Matter

If you've even only skimmed my blog, you may have noticed that I preach the importance of character and conflict above all other elements of narrative. The qualities of these dictate the qualities of the story, and by and large, every other narrative element will in part develop from these. I've written a bit about what makes strong characters here and on random other posts, but now it's time to talk conflict: what it is and how we write it.

You'll read everywhere that there are two types of conflict: internal and external. This is true but misaligned. That's kind of like saying the two types of planets are Earth and all the other planets. In reality, most conflicts are a mix of both with varying ratios of one to the other, and "internal" does a lot of heavy lifting in this dichotomy. Is it emotional? Mental? Religious? Interpersonal? A lot of stuff goes on in the human brain!

I've used conflict a bit already without defining it, so let's do so. Conflict is anything in a narrative that negatively affects a character and that character's reaction. It's a broad concept! A duel with a dragon and a tough breakup are equally valid conflicts. You might hear people advise to "hurt your MC." This is true albeit quirky and cliche. Hurt your characters, yes, but the other half of conflict, your character's reaction, is necessary to crafting a strong story. If the duel the dragon, win, and return home victorious, case closed, that's not a very interesting story; if your character goes through the breakup with healthy coping mechanisms and emotional maturity, who cares? What gives? Unless it's the end of the story, the reader doesn't want the conflict to resolve! (Or, they don't want every conflict to resolve. Some can, but always keep one fire lit.)

Your goal as a writer should be to lead your character's decisions deeper into their conflicts. Of course, this shouldn't be obvious--if characters make bad, stupid decisions, the reader will catch on. But you can use your character's flaws and vulnerabilities to make them make poor decisions or otherwise get them in binds without the reader noticing.

One example from my own work: In one of my novels, The Ghosts of Glass Lake, one character focuses on her acting career so she won't have to focus on her mother's suicide. The suicide affected the character negatively, and the focus on acting was her reaction. Obviously, this focus wasn't the healthy thing to do, which gives me as a writer room to play with and grow this conflict. While she's rehearsing, she sees her mother's ghost from time to time. When she does try to resolve this trauma, she goes about it wrong by attempting to speak with her mother via spirit box instead of, y'know, going to therapy. Other characters try to help her cope by dubiously legitimate methods. By the end of the novel, she hasn't reconciled her acting career with the effects of her mother's death, and this tension hurts the people around her.

One example from classic literature: In Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse, each character witnesses and thinks upon how other characters treat them and others. This novel has next to no external conflict. One character, Lily Briscoe, loves to paint and notices how the men around her talk about how women can't paint, and a second character mansplains some painting lingo to her. Most of her time in the novel is spent in these interactions or thinking about them and the greater societal shifts that caused them, and by the end of the novel, she accepts herself as a painter and completes the piece she'd been working on.

My and Woolf's examples have some commonalities and some differences. Woolf's is almost entirely internal where mine is almost entirely internal until late in the novel when it grows an external bent. In both cases, conflict is both something that negatively affects a character and that character's reaction to it. This reaction causes the conflict to deepen, which causes another reaction, and a cycle starts that will only resolve (if you want it to resolve) at the end of the narrative.

The type of conflict you write is a question of style, but certain genres historically lend themselves towards one or the other. You'll often hear "genre fiction" and "literary fiction" tossed around in literary discourse. These are two umbrella categories that if you ask me don't really exist anymore, but that's another topic for another time. So disclaimer, read below with a grain of salt, but not too big a grain, as there is truth here.

Genre fiction (fantasy, sci-fi, romance, mystery, thriller) trends towards external conflict: will they kill the dragon and save the princess? Will they win the space war? Find the culprit? Escape the killer? Literary fiction ("the classics," realistic fiction) trends towards internal conflict: how do we come of age? Recognize death? Understand love?

The dichotomy of genre/literary was created during a time when those labels weren't so liquid (here's a great article on the topic), but nowadays, great books blur these lines more than they ever had. Circe is a book with the popular conventions of Percy Jackson but is also a meditation on gender and family obligations. Station Eleven is a post-apocalyptic dystopia about how we find meaning in our everyday lives. American Gods has the trappings of any old adventure story but also questions past and present systems of belief.

And was this genre/literary conflict dichotomy ever real? I would argue no and that the strongest genre fiction also incorporates internal conflict. The Lord of the Rings is a story about Sauron and the Nazgul just as it is about the nature of power and responsibility, advancing technology, and the environment; The Left Hand of Darkness is an adventure across an ice planet but only through the lenses of gender and religion; Dune is about drugs and worms but also religious conflict, imperialism, indigenous culture, and much much more; Earthsea is an adventure through magical archipelagos and also a meditation on grief, gender norms, and reconciliation. You can say similar things as these to any great piece of genre fiction, but I don't personally think this works in reverse. Not every story needs external conflict, as Virginia Woolf shows, though even the most literary of stories will use some, even if only on accident. This is because the best stories always say something deeper about their characters than simply "they can kill the dragon"; the best stories get at what it means to kill a dragon.

So in anything you write, try adding this internal axis! If you're not used to it, try this exercise. Ask yourself what the external conflict is. Then ask yourself how your character feels about it. When you have even 5% of an answer, start writing it! Then when those feelings get that character into more or deeper trouble, ask how they feel about that, then write again. Conflict is what happens to your character as much as what your character's reaction says about them.

Asks are always open if you have any questions!

[luneariaa]

my first time ever writing for higuruma, and i'm not too satisfied w/ this + higu seemed ooc as well, i'm sorry :") trying to practice writing him more in the future! 💜🌻

. dividers by @/cafekitsune !! 🌻

And one more maple leaf fell to the hard ground. You bend over to pick it up, and examine it more closely with a small smile upon your features.

Just a day left before the year changes. You stood there underneath the shady tree, as if you were contemplating with your pool of thoughts. You aren't ready to leave this year behind, yet you're just glad and grateful that you're able to experience this moment of time and place.

"Ah, the leaf looks rather nice." Higuruma breaks the brief silence between the both of you, not knowing what other words to say at the same time. "And it's almost time for a new year too."

You simply gave him a warm look and a nod, then returned your attention to the leaf that was still in your fingers.

Higuruma returned the look that you gave him as a sudden question occurs to him, which feels completely natural on its' own.

"Have you thought of any wishes for the upcoming year yet?" He feels curious all of a sudden; also wanting to try to initiate any conversation with you as possible.

"Mm nope!" You shook your head, "Not yet at least."

"How about you?"

Higuruma hums for a bit; now standing not too far from where you are, but still keeping a reasonable distance between you two. "Well, if I'm being honest, I haven't really given it much thought as well."

"But if I really had to pick one, it might be something like, trying to spend more time with the people that I actually care about."

He stops just about there, not knowing what to say next. But also leaving you some room for whatever you wanted to say.

"Ah, that's nice then!" You nodded with an understanding look, before sending him a smile once again.

"So like, does that mean you're going to find any potential partner for the upcoming year?"

He snorts a bit in a lighthearted manner, obviously didn't mind your question. "I guess I've been so focused on my work that I really haven't thought about having any relationship.."

"It's almost frightening how fast the years have gone by, and how little time that I actually had for myself."

"Working, solving cases, paperworks.. I sometimes find myself thinking about how nice it would be to have someone to come home to at the end of the day."

"And yet when the evening arrives, I'm usually already way too exhausted." He shrugs with signs of acceptance in his expression. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone."

"Don't say that-- it's not true." You shook your head with a small sigh, partly disagreeing with his words. "Although I would agree with you; it's really nice to have someone that's actually waiting for you at the end of the day."

He nodded, fixing his attention on the existing lake being displayed ahead of you two. Just by the mere thought causes him to feel the temporary loneliness lingering within him, but quickly tries to brush off his thoughts.

It's seemingly pointless to ponder on such stuff, especially right now.

"I do wish the same for you though."

Higuruma gives you a light chuckle before adding up to the previous statement, "And who knows; maybe it'll be a tall, handsome man of your dreams."

You grinned widely at his rather corny remark while shaking your head amusingly. "Hmm.." With your eyes narrowing slightly in a mischievous manner, you shift your gaze to him.

“I suppose you got a point."

He merely nodded while looking everywhere else but you. You wonder what's running through his mind right now.

"But to be frank, I did found the one. I just didn't know if she would return the same feelings as I do for her, y'know."

And as he tells you, a small smile appears on his face. He wasn't looking at you when you did, so you kept on staring with a rather curious look.

You try not to get your hopes up, and you gotta admit that your heart did sting when he said those words.

You just needed a direct confirmation in a way, that is if he wanted to do so. You can't even tell what your own mind is blabbering about right now.

"I never knew when the moment would be right, even though I've been friends with her for quite some time now."

"But then again, who would love someone as busy as me?" It came off as more of a realization himself if anything. And even though the said person didn't have the same feelings as he did-- he'll be fine with it, and he won't stop loving her no matter what.

It took a while, but you eventually came out with a reply. "You're wrong," and this made him turn his gaze back to yours once more.

"How about this--" you began to suggest an idea to him, "--why don't you just try to go for it? It's better to confess as soon as you can than never."

God, you didn't even know why you would say anything as such if it only leads to your impending mental destruction, yet you still did it anyway.

But as long as he's happy; then you're happy for him as well. It's just how it works.

“You really think I should?"

His dark-coloured eyes focused on you alone, as if to try to let your words sink into his mind. The attorney let the idea weigh down a bit. "Won't that be too sudden?"

"I mean, if you really have feelings for her, then I guess you should." You encouragingly nod at him, trying not to act nosy on who he's actually referring to. It could hurt you more when you know that someone, especially when it's not you.

And of course, your words made him rethink the possible decision that he might finally make after all this time; trying to get into his own finalised conclusion.

“I guess I'll have to try."

"Do wish me luck then."

"Good luck!" You beamed at him-- or at least, tried to, and thought he would leave elsewhere afterward. But no, he remained in his previous spot as he seemed to be contemplating something more.

"You know, the woman I liked-- she's just amazing." Higuruma smiles to himself, much to your slight confusion as to why he would tell you such a thing. Not that you minded much, you suppose.

"Compassionate, honest, beautiful. I can just go on for hours talking about her."

When he realises your answers become way less and not even bother to look at him in the eye, he pushes himself to ask you something further.

"I'm curious though."

"Out of everything that I told you so far, did anyone cross your mind at least?" You somehow missed the mischievous glint that was present within that moment, temporarily distracted by some people who passed by the other side of the lake.

"I don't know..?" You paused for a second, "Was it Sakiko?"

A random guess, but worth a shot. The attorney has his eyes widened slightly and unexpectedly, before his lips cracking more into an amused grin.

"Sakiko? No, not her." He tells you that with a voice full of confidence, and with your even more perplexed expression, along with eye contact helps him more.

"I was honestly talking about you the entire time."

Now, it's your turn to be baffled-- eyes widening slightly at his unexpected statement. "I-I'm sorry?"

This isn't what you're expecting at all, and suddenly you feel dumb for your own thoughts from before. Higuruma lets his stare linger upon your form for much longer; a smile still present.

"I know this might sound sudden--"

"-- But yes, I was actually referring to you." The attorney confirms all of your suspicions with ease. Higuruma has nothing much to fear, not anymore.

"Oh, well-- I didn't expect that actually." With the clear of your throat, you tried your best to keep your composure despite your flustered expression at the realisation slowly unravelling itself before you.

"I really thought you meant someone else.."

Higuruma chuckles once again, finding your current state rather endearing. If anything, he adores it.

Slowly, but surely, he takes a few steps closer to you, cupping your cheek tenderly with one of his hands. You stayed frozen at your spot, still trying to process the whole situation that's unfolding at the very moment.

"I'm merely being honest when I said all of those words."

"That's just like, a few of them. Because if I were to try to list every trait of yours that I genuinely adore--" He gazes into your eyes; a look that's filled with genuine warmth and a look that seems to be piercing straight into your soul, yet comfortingly so. "-- it would be endless."

Your face is just straight-up heating at this point, while your heart is beating wildly against your ribcage upon the proximity that you both shared. You would've melted if you could.

It's just so sweet. He's trying to take his time to properly confess to you.

"Do you have any idea how badly I've wanted to tell you those words?" His voice, barely a whisper, continued on with a soft caress on your cheek.

"But I was afraid back then."

"I didn't want to ruin anything-- our friendship, that we have built together."

“But you somehow gave me the strength to do so. I needed it so much."

Finally regaining your own composure and processing his words, you gazed at him still, with an affectionate look of your own. The way you smiled up at him-- God, he feels like he falls in love with you all over again.

"I'm actually glad that you did."

"So now, I don't have to hide my feelings for you too." And it oddly sounds easier admitting out those words right now; the words flowing out of your mouth ever so naturally as possible than before.

“Really?" He chuckled lightly, still holding onto you. "You've been waiting for me too?"

The leaves from the tree continued to fall toward you both, but none of you bothered to pay any attention to it-- and so did the passersby from afar.

With newfound enthusiasm, you nodded with a grin that’s now plastered on your features beautifully. The feeling of utter relief is so real for the both of you-- and the feeling just blooms even more when he wraps both of his strong arms around your form, and places his forehead against yours.

He looks extremely content, and it's such a pleasing sight to see because he's been so preoccupied with his work ( and thoughts of you ) as per usual these days so often.

But knowing that he won't have to spend the upcoming new year alone without a partner anymore-- with the woman he loves so dearly, it's all worth it in the end.

© 𝚌𝚊𝚜𝚜.

[doueverwonder]

Do you have any Calilliyork HCs?? :]

anon the way I started vibrating when I saw this ask:

they’re the only ones allowed to use ‘city nicknames’ with each other. Particularly NY calling Illi “Chi” (said shy) and Cali “Angel”

u know the “are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??” incorrect quote? Yeah that’s Illi & Cali at NY literally everyday.

California: who needs ac when u can sandwich yourself between your cold bfs

Illinois & New York: who needs heating when u can cuddle your hot (in both ways) partner

idk why but I think when they go on dates they purposefully avoid going to NYC, LA or Chicago.

IlliYork was together for a long time before they started dating Cali too, and sometimes they'll talk about dates they had before and whenever California thinks one sounds particularly cool or romantic they're both like "write that down, write that down-" and will do their darndest to recreate them in the name of "all the times you should have been there"

very headcanony but i'm a transfem nb Cali truther (she/it/they bc projecting), and they were already dating when it had her Great Gender Panic(TM).

The way Illi & York found out is one of them said smth along the lines of "love you forever" just like in passing and California randomly broke into tears like "really??? you'll love me forever?? no matter what??? you're sure?????" and they both obviously were like "?? yes ofc??? is something wrong??? wtf???"

bc NY is decently older than California and Illinois there are running jokes that he's their sugar daddy and it isn't completely* untrue.

(*only not completely true bc California is technically the richest of the three lmao)

speaking of tho; everyone assumes NY is like the least affectionate/committed to their relationship bc he's so cold and 'i don't like anyone' around everyone else. but they just miss that this man spends every waking moment not fighting with the rest of the Northeast making heart eyes at them <3

& he just loves to spoil them both rotten, like genuinely they both have to be so careful about mentioning wanting anything around him bc he WILL get it for them.

also for example they're all theatre nerds but he'll take them to any play, musical, ballet, or opera they express even mild interest in. Best seats in the house, and we might as well go to dinner beforehand, and NY just loves seeing them both all dressed up so we need to go somewhere nice for dinner. It just snowballs and he is not beating the sugar daddy allegations.

He's not doing it on purpose he just likes seeing them both happy and buying them things and taking them places is the best way he can figure it out 😭

NY: I'm this close to fighting Gov so he'll let me marry both of you. Illi & Cali: ? your fingers are touching. NY: I know.

90% of their communication problems can actually be traced back to Illinois. this man is a Midwesterner at heart and thus will never speak his mind on the fear that it might upset them even if its over like.... what pizza toppings they should get. They're working on it but oh boy.

(whole lot of "Illi what do you want," "oh y'know I'm fine with whatever--" "No, we can tell you're not. What do you want?")

Illinois speaks French, and California speaks Spanish, and NY is weak.

this got long so i'll leave it there. if anyone wants elaboration on any of these feel free to ask 👀

[batsplat]

more thoughts? PLEASE

okay I'm gonna assume this is about my tags on the sete post and well when I was editing I cut out a lot from a bunch of different sections so there's not necessarily... uh. this isn't going to be a coherent addition. but I have a few more thoughts I might as well rattle through

1. reinvention

idk I just enjoy what he's doing with his style changes during that time... like in 2002, 2003 and 2004 you've got a different vibe going on each year. the whole point of that brno hair colour thing was that it was almost a step back into the past, of re-embracing the fun and the whimsy and escaping the constraints and pressures of the present. very much embracing a more youthful vibe when you compare it to 2002, getting back in touch with his inner teenager, all while he's plotting his crazy move to yamaha. and then 2004 obviously he inevitably changes up his colour scheme, but he also lets his hair grow out and it ends up nicely emphasising that this is a New Era for him. not really an original point but there's just something fun and playful to how he uses his cute lil visual storytelling elements, from the hairstyles to the celebrations... he makes it fun to analyse him, y'know? always thinking about The Narrative

2. the symbolism of it all

this bit was too vibes-based to make it into the post but it's basically linked to these bits in the conclusion:

and following on from the reinvention thing, I do think there's something narratively rich to how valentino had to change his approach as a result of the switch to yamaha. you have this... I wouldn't call it a regression necessarily but maybe a recapturing of this playfulness in the middle of 2003 with the whole brno thing, but then there's something a little tougher and hardened about him in his yamaha days that kind of comes from necessity because he just didn't have that margin for error anymore. from the mat oxley reference book:

Some racers think motorcycle racing is a high-speed ballet, others think it's a petrolhead's wrestling match. Valentino always had the killer instinct, but it's significant that he only became known as a warrior rider after he left Honda. Without the technical advantage of the RC211V, he needed to find another way to beat rivals. He found that way at the 2005 Spanish GP, where he battered into Sete Gibernau at the final corner to win the race. He used similarly aggressive tactics to beat Casey Stoner at Laguna Seca in 2008 and Jorge Lorenzo at Motegi in 2010, and to deal with Marc Marquez during 2015. It has been said that Vale invented this kind of racing, although a deeper look into the sport's history reveals that this isn't true. And yet there's no doubt that he loved the thrill of the chase and the thrill of the kill.

and yeah, crucially, he did always have it in him. he was a proper menace in his rookie 125cc season, to the surprise of absolutely no one. but it's a very valentino thing, isn't it... you've got this clown prince persona, you have this exuberance and joie de vivre and all of it, and it's not like any of that is a lie. it's also not like his friendliness to other people is a lie either: the anecdotes about this are pretty consistent in telling you about how he does take genuine interest in his fellow human beings, which is hardly something you can take for granted with the kind of socially isolated egomaniacs competitive sports tends to produce. (though he does also benefit in that regard from coming up through an era in which the sport was still a little less professionalised and he was afforded somewhat more time to develop into a generally more well-rounded character, not a bad thing lbr.) but then, back against the wall, the fangs come out. and in a way that's what the entire 2004 season was about for him - this period where he was actually facing real challenges, a period of transition and transformation where the winning was a little less easy and he changed as a competitor as a result of that

and there's just something... idk, fitting, about how it was sete specifically who ended up being the victim of this, the guy who had always been seen as a little too carefree and nice and soft to cut it at the sharp end of the sport. who valentino had befriended: he'd been happy to blur that line between competitor and friend back then, though obviously that friendship started before sete became a serious threat. if you really want to go off the deep end with this, you could say valentino ended up exorcising the softness within himself by crushing sete. he wasn't going to allow any weakness in his own competitive make up, not when it could actually cost him. and in a way he really did have to understand sete really well, to know how to get to him in the way he did, to know how to play all those little moments in front of the cameras... those moments where he's cold to sete and knows it will unsettle sete, where he extends his hand and knows sete will accept, all of it. targeted cruelty, based on a thorough understanding of sete's character. again, this is a bit of a reach but you could say the two feuds where he went the furthest with his cruelty were against the two blokes who were the most similar to valentino. and, well, sometimes you do have to understand someone to truly know how best to hurt them

the whole episode also ended up signalling something to his competitors, almost like a warning. it's not like his relationship with everyone else in the paddock changed from one day to the next and he still had good friendships with other guys after that - even those he was actually competing against, like nicky hayden or loris capirossi. but inevitably, it will have also shifted perceptions of valentino. after the feud with biaggi you could say he was really young and also a lot of people had problems with biaggi. but gibernau? if you need concrete evidence people took notice of valentino's behaviour, take casey in 2007 saying to valentino that he didn't want their relationship deteriorate the same way it had with biaggi/gibernau. one feud can happen to everyone, two starts looking a little suspicious - three was where it became a pattern

3. rivalries

y'know, I've seen that casey quote about valentino and gibernau and biaggi thrown around a fair few places over the years, but the thing I've always been kind of curious about is what valentino thought about casey telling him that. if this is a pattern of behaviour, then what's happening there is valentino being confronted with that pattern, right? I think an underlying question you have to address at some point with valentino and his rivalries is how aware he is of what he's doing. like, is he consciously engineering feuds or is he doing it subconsciously? and I think it can be a bit misleading if the first valentino feud you come across is the marc one, because it'll prime you to read all the other ones in certain ways that might not be entirely accurate. I've not quite figured out how to express this yet so bear with me here - but marc is the one who valentino felt the most hurt by and continues to feel the most hurt by and as a result it's the most emotionally charged feud from his perspective. but what that also means is it's the feud where he's the least consciously aware of how he himself has contributed to this whole nightmare situation they've got going on. because from his perspective he did treat marc differently from... well, basically from any post-sete major or even minor rival. he offered marc all that kindness and generosity and good will and graciousness in defeat as well as victory and had it thrown in his face

which makes it easy to assume this is all just... well, not just twenty years of feuding but also twenty years of self-delusion. and it's not quite like that - he has more self-awareness than that I think. when you read how he talks about biaggi in his autobiography (who he is kind enough not to completely erase from his narrative), even in 2005 he seems to have a pretty good handle on what that feud really was. okay, maybe he does somewhat shirk responsibility and somewhat overemphasises the role of the media as opposed to his own malice, but there's an awareness of how stupid and silly and mean-spirited the whole thing was. it was just a kind of nasty rivalry with a guy valentino didn't like much - but who, for what it's worth, wasn't exactly going out of his way to be nice to valentino either. sure, it ended up being torture for biaggi, and sure valentino did maybe relish inflicting said torture a little more than is morally appropriate. but y'know, in some ways, it's quite straightforward, this honest mutual dislike. uncomplicated, even

and this I did not include in the actual sete post because it's just complete and utter speculation, but I wonder to what extent the sete experience did end up changing valentino's approach to his competitors. whether he deliberately embraced that side of himself a little more and was a little more considered and calculating in how he treated his rivals, more in touch with his inner bastard, if you will. even if he just had in the back of his mind that something like with sete could happen again, even if he was just a bit more careful about keeping certain blokes at arm's length. because, remember, from his perspective this was also the first time a relationship with a rival deteriorated this drastically - now you can say 'yeah but it was his fault', but that doesn't change how it was a new experience for valentino too! he was also learning stuff about himself in the process, going through an important journey of self-exploration, etc etc. love crushing my enemies on the path to self-actualisation

and valentino did learn a lot from that whole experience on-track, he did learn useful skills in terms of managing rivalries - so maybe he also looked at what worked on sete in the psychological warfare department and, y'know, consciously made a note of it. when casey delivered that little spiel to valentino about not wanting their relationship to deteriorate, I assume valentino responded perfectly pleasantly in the moment... but I do also think he was extremely ready to deliberately sour their dynamic if he had to. zero self-delusion required

he's quite calculating with casey and jorge I feel... especially with casey, he really didn't waste his time feeling emotionally slighted or coming up with reasons why casey was the devil and needed to be destroyed. he wanted to destroy casey because he wanted to win, and was comfortable enough in his own skin to use the full bag of tools and tricks to do so, no complex internal narratives to justify the whole thing needed. for him, that was all just part of the game. it wasn't for casey, which is a topic for an entirely different post, but... well, casey and jorge in particular are the ones who have spoken about this valentino desire to create enemies, to give himself someone to hate etc. and in a way, ironically I would say they're the two for who that was the least true. yeah, they gave him a helpful target and he was perfectly happy to whip up drama where needed. but I don't really think he was going to any particular lengths to invent reasons to hate them (even his 2010 dramatics were really just faffing about). he found them both kinda annoying and he wanted to beat them. that's it

4. these photos of valentino and sete at sepang 2004

idk I just like photos that have nebulously bad vibes if you know the context. it would have been quite funny if they'd consistently used the same shade of yellow in sepang press conferences over the years

5. marc

all of the stuff above does to me really emphasise how... god. this is the thing about valentino and marc, right, as a tragic narrative - it feels inevitable in many ways that this had to somehow go wrong, but then at the same time the exact way in which it did end up going wrong was reliant on so many things playing out the exact way in which they did, that it feels like if you could have just slightly changed things... like, let's say for a moment my baseless speculation about valentino is correct and he did become a little more careful and deliberate in how he approached his relationships with his competitors after the sete experience. there's so much that had to come together for him to lower his guard around marc to the extent that he did. again, injuries, ducati, how he wasn't really competitive in 2013, how dominant marc was especially in the first half of 2014... all these things that came together to lull them both into this false sense of security, spurred on by genuine interpersonal chemistry - all of which allowed them to even become friends in the first place

think about what the early marc and valentino relationship looks like if you're casey (who, bless him, certainly wasn't paying close enough attention to motogp to be aware of 'press conference vibes') or jorge (who, bless him, was unfortunately unable to avoid said press conference vibes). isn't there a little part of you that goes 'what the fuck is all this then' when you see valentino act like marc is god's gift to motorcycle racing after spending years enacting elaborate hazing rituals any time particularly promising talent had come through? casey's little 'yeah he was fucking with me in practise in 2006' line, jorge... okay in valentino's defence, it's worth pointing out that their 2008 relationship was more cordial than literally anyone had expected, and things only really soured in 2010. but still, their camps did already start up a healthy habit of sniping at each other in the press in 2009 and they did have the whole cold war cosplay situation going on, so. jorge certainly wasn't being given the kid gloves treatment

and sure, 2014 was a pretty drama free year for everyone because the general consensus was 'what would be the point', and I suppose if you're jorge you might also just assume the old man's washed and has gone soft in his advanced age. but still! I think I'd be a tad peeved myself, especially given valentino immediately fell into a lovely little habit of taking marc's side in controversies from the very start of marc's rookie season. but that's kind of the point - valentino's entire approach to marc required that past history of feuding for him to fall back on, for him to imitate/echo when the moment arrived (as I talked about here)... but it also required valentino to have gotten enough distance from all of his past misadventures for him to not have that sort of mindset from the outset when it came to marc

which, another thing I feel like maybe can get obscured a little if you're looking back on past rivalries with the marc-lens - this concept of valentino 'switching up' towards his opponents. because I do actually think there is something categorically different between the sete + marc rivalries when compared to any of his other ones - and it's how deliberate that switch-up is from valentino's perspective, vs to what extent it's driven by 'genuine' emotion. I just think there were rivalries (for a given value of the word if we're including melandri here) between sete's era and marc's era where valentino decided he was going to create a little distance there - but it was all part of the game. he didn't hate those guys. he just wanted to win, and understood as much about himself

but he does hate marc, because that rivalry was never supposed to be like the other ones. which, in the end, is what made it far far worse

6. che spettacolo

'he was so happy after sealing his first yamaha title :)' I go, knowing he had just pulled off a pretty fucking nasty spite win against a bloke he'd recently put a curse on. he really did risk quite a lot in the penultimate round of the season, just because he could not bear to see sete win that race. revealing, isn't it? obviously he'd always try to win the race, but... at times he just couldn't help himself in how far he went

anyway, it's my favourite of his title-winning shirts. a deliberate departure from tradition - he told his team he didn't want logos or any other decoration or even any mention that he was world champion again. the reasoning he gave was that nobody would expect it from him, which... well, yeah, it's what that whole year was about, wasn't it? about doing the unexpected, about proving everyone wrong - and, in the end, about putting on a show. like all the best valentino celebrations, it gets the message across and explains to you quite clearly what he thinks the story of his victory was. memorable in its simplicity but tells you everything you need to know

one of his career highlights <3 it's in character that the whole thing was just a little bit evil

7. film

I cannot for the life of me remember when this was except it was post-2015, but one time in a presser valentino was asked which rivalry of his he'd make into a movie and his answer was biaggi. obviously it's hard to argue with the dramatic appeal of that particular story and it's certainly got a lot of very memorable moments, but my hot take is that the sete rivalry has got it beat by virtue of having a far clearer narrative arc. it's a slightly unusual, slightly odd story for a sports rivalry... like I said in the sete post, people aren't typically all that compelled by sports rivalries where you know from the outset which one of them is better. what's the point then, right? very much the indie flavour rivalry, a little more niche and philosophical and inscrutable and, y'know, darker. this is a feud that centres around a curse, after all. this one's for the girls who get it etc etc

valentino's erasure of sete is interesting for a lot of reasons, but it's a shame because it really is such a good narrative arc that adds so much to the transition to yamaha. the transformation valentino himself went through as a competitor, how he responded to real threats emerging, revealing your true nature in extremis and all of that... I'm not entirely convinced by how sete says valentino didn't need to do what he did against sete - he said it specifically about jerez, which I suppose is debatable, but I imagine he meant it more broadly too. there was a moment valentino could have lost that 2004 championship. and he'd already decided he would do anything to stop that from happening, which things like that assen last lap nicely symbolised. the thing about judging valentino for the foibles and the spite and the dishonesty and the competitive paranoia and all of it - well, at the end of the day they are key aspects of his make up as a competitor for a reason. you can judge him as a person... but as an athlete, more often than not they worked out in his favour. that's what's so interesting about sepang 2015 in a way - it's the only time the whole thing well and truly backfired

(I know casey has drawn the comparison between himself and marc before and argued valentino's biggest mistake was in making enemies but... well. was it? it wasn't against casey - valentino did not lose anything by making an enemy out of casey and he very well may have gained a lot, depending on what your read of the 2008 season is. very much a topic for another post... but this is the thing right, I think it's perfectly reasonable to object to valentino's behaviour on moral grounds, less reasonable to ignore why it was such a big part of who he was as a competitor and how it helped him succeed. I completely understand why casey wants to draw that comparison, but - perhaps unfortunately - it's a little too nice to be true that valentino's malice cost him as much as casey suggests it did)

valentino learns a lot from the sete rivalry in terms of his storytelling and self-mythologisation, not least in how he plays up the theatre of the sepang presser. one aspect that really stands out to me is the pointed cruelty of his celebrations after sepang. from the sete post:

revisiting his whole 'character arc' from the 2003-05 period here, you've got this reversion in 2003, right, this throwback to the antics of his teenage years, and then you've got him getting meaner in 2004... and these things are married here. the whimsy and fun inherent to his celebrations is being wielded in the name of humiliating his competitors, of making a joke out of them. there's this thin line between joy and malice, where throughout his career he seems so endlessly capable of both - even at the same time, clearly. he's obviously already shown himself capable of mocking his opponents in the biaggi days, but, I don't know, it really does feel like there's something to how deliberately the humiliation is incorporated into the theatre of victory here. what a spectacle indeed

8. rage and panic

but then again, I really don't want to pretend like valentino is perfectly rational or calculating in what he's doing here. remember where all this started - in qatar, a race where he well and truly lost his cool and he knows as much. I included the relevant autobiography section in this post, but just to put the bit here that's bit about qatar itself:

he knows his brain fucked him over! I also think it's interesting that this reads slightly differently from his immediate post-race quotes, which I included in the sete post:

was he angry or was he relaxed or, somehow, both? was that unfortunate moment of relaxation caused by the inevitable letdown from the anger - was it unsustainable to ride like that? either way, the key bit to me is the heightened emotions involved and how usually he has it under control, usually he can use all of this in his own interest to spur himself on... except when he can't. as I pointed out in the tags of the qatar post, there are elements of that race that do remind you of another 25 year old rider who had received a penalty he felt was unfair and was working his way through the field while running hot on emotion. it's all fun and games and smiling assassins etc etc, but if you get them really angry...

and, y'know, in a way there's an element of panic to his post-qatar media rampage. okay, sure, he was clearly furious and the whole thing did end up working out in his favour, but in the moment he must have also been scared he was going to end up losing a championship he'd thought he basically had wrapped up. it's funny because if motogp were a sane and normal sport, valentino (allegedly) vowing his title rival would never win a race again on live tv should have been a moment of foolishness and hubris and should have been remembered as such. it should have been him losing it for a moment there and saying a bunch of stuff he'd need to gloss over and hope everyone moves on quickly from. it is absolutely bonkers that it all played out the way it did post-qatar and it just like... all went in his favour. it could not have gone better for him. there's a world in which 2004 is remembered as the title valentino squandered. but sometimes hubris gets rewarded, I suppose

9. margin

sane and normal sport, huh? the thing about sports is that none of it is sane and normal. if you actually go through the races one by one and look at all the instances sete could have won a race post-qatar, it does feel just incredibly improbable that sete never won a single one of those damn things. I mean, there are five races where he's literally going into the last lap(!!) with a chance of winning. (in the name of journalistic integrity I do have to point out sete's fuel ran out in the last lap of brno so he didn't really have a chance of winning, but that just brings us back to the 'does motogp exist in a parallel universe where black magic is real' question.) in three of them, sete is ahead of valentino at some point of that final lap

one of the worst things about sports is that sometimes it can trick you into thinking the final outcome is in doubt when it actually kind of isn't. the fact that these two blokes are arriving at the last lap together fools you into thinking that both of them have a decent shot of winning. but obviously it doesn't actually work like that. call it skill and the extra margin of error a decisive performance edge will provide you, call it a clutch factor, call it how 'broken' sete was - it really was just the illusion of proximity, the illusion of tight margins. maybe it really was a test of wills. in two of those races, valentino risked quite a lot to win. phillip island for obvious title arithmetic reasons, jerez because he's literally throwing his bike against sete's in his desperation to prevent sete from beating him. in some ways, it feels unfair to judge sete's mentality too harshly - firstly because this is an insane person sport and I do think he has a point when he says it's maybe not a great idea to laud crash-happy riders for their 'bravery', and secondly because he was just fundamentally the worse rider, which obviously means it was always going to be harder for him to beat valentino than vice versa. but, and this is without any judgement, sete's problem was that valentino always would have been willing to go further than him in his desire to win. to be good at the insane person sport... you do unfortunately have to be insane

10. momentum

I'm not going to be able to do this justice here so I'll only address it very briefly. but I've referred quite a few times to what valentino 'learned' from those years and the sete rivalry and how it helped him acquire tricks he'd be able to use for his other rivals in the future, and there's one aspect of this that kind of stands out to me. you know this bit, right:

this is the thing to me, he becomes so much more proficient at managing momentum. take his 2001 season, he was just kinda doing stuff... panicked a little bit when he had a bad race at the sachsenring until jb talked him off the ledge and reminded him that neither him nor the bike were all that great there. poor thing. and then 2002 and 2003 didn't really have title fights, though I guess 2003 did have a mid-season turning point of sorts when valentino just decided he'd had enough of losing races. which is a nice thing to be able to do, I suppose

but yeah, obviously I already addressed at length how valentino did his whole show at sepang to stop sete's momentum cold, and then how he fatally undermined sete's self-belief and hope and conviction in jerez a few races later - basically stopping that title bid before it even got started. which is all well and good, but... okay, how do you actually manage to make your three most famous overtakes so meaningful? obviously the cause and effect relationship is a bit muddled here - just because they're his most famous overtakes, they're not necessarily his best, and we remember them particularly strongly because they had such a strong impact on his fortunes. but still, when you think about it... sepang was only a turning point that season because of the theatre and not because of the race itself, his overtake in jerez was 100% last minute desperation... but laguna and catalunya? he literally could not have scripted those races more perfectly

both happen at a time when he really, really needs a big win. in 2008, he might have had the points on his side but he sure didn't have the momentum, with casey's three consecutive wins on a ducati that finally seemed well-settled enough to fight for the title and with a lot of strong casey tracks to come. like, he basically wasn't the title favourite any more going into that race - even at the end of laguna one of the commentators still referred to casey as "the man to beat" for the rest of the season. in 2009, the situation was similarly dire. from here (I say like I'm citing something more substantial than my own tumblr posts):

they were both races that valentino went into at a time when he was in serious trouble - but on the flip side they also presented a serious opportunity. both laguna (a race casey must have felt completely certain he would win) and catalunya (jorge's home race) were ones where he could really hurt his rivals. at some point that weekend, whether before the race for casey or before the final corner for jorge, both of them would have been 100% confident they'd win... and valentino stole those victories from right under their noses. and the thing is, right, he couldn't have planned exactly how those races went. first of all because, contrary to whatever the italian public may believe, he is not literally a god. and second of all, the specific overtakes everyone remembers are also ones that inherently had a lot of risk attached to them you'd obviously prefer to avoid. at laguna you have the excursion into the dirt where he needed skill and also quite frankly luck to not crash. catalunya was a last corner overtake - and as we've established, valentino by this point had learned his lesson about leaving it that late if he had any choice in the matter

still, it's not like it was just fate or coincidence or any of that. obviously, he did get lucky that these races unfolded in such a perfect manner for him... but athletes do have a hand in creating their own luck. for laguna, and this is so very much a topic for another post, valentino deliberately deployed tactics to fuck with casey in a way that ended up generating that overtake - without getting into it too much, he basically knew he couldn't allow casey to be ahead going into turn 10 (the corkscrew's turn 8). so if you've decided in advance that come what may, you'll stick your bike in front of your rival's bike in a certain corner... well, if you get lucky, then maybe you can create a little magic. with catalunya, he said afterwards that he'd been imagining that overtake for the whole week before the race. incidentally, according to the commentators jorge had told them that if you're ahead going into the last two corners, you've won the race (which is obviously the kind of thing you should never say, are you insane??) - and that's the key, isn't it. here too, there's a meeting of skill and luck and jorge maybe not being as diligent in protecting the inside line as he should have been (a fact that casey, always polite, full of tact, ever helpful, was willing to repeatedly point out to jorge) and it could have very much ended up with two bikes in the dirt and some awkward conversations within yamaha that evening... but still, at the end of the day, you've got to "invent something" as the commentators put it, you've got to come up with that move and decide it's possible and visualise it again and again before eventually turning it into reality. both of those wins and both of the overtakes everyone remembers were at least to some extent built on tactics and prior planning and valentino deliberately producing something special when he really needed to

the other key bit is, okay, obviously it's not that remarkable that valentino immediately clocked they were important wins, given he'd intended them to be important wins going into the respective races and he knew full well how dramatic the duels had been... but he was still very adept at leaning into the theatre of it all. the idea that valentino came up with the idea of kissing the corkscrew during the race is very funny to me, but it is pretty plausible given he will have had time to do so while coasting at the front after casey's fall. and it's just very memorable, isn't it? sure, that corkscrew overtake helped him win the race, but so did the first lap move into turn 8 or that nifty move on the outside of turn 3 on the lap casey went down. the battle still continued for another twenty odd laps after that corkscrew overtake, but valentino had the shrewd showman's acumen to immediately pinpoint that as the moment of the race, the thing everyone would remember, the defining image, and paid tribute to it in his celebrations to ensure the association would stick in everyone's minds

obviously, he also goes for all kinds of over the top celebrations in catalunya, including wildly ecstatic fist pumping on the bike and breaking out of parc fermé to soak up the adulation of jorge's home fans and all that stuff. and he's a huge fan of the fact he got his 99th career win beating the number 99, because of course he is

also obviously he does that annoying thing where he goes up to both of them while they're doing their interviews so their reactions will be recorded for posterity. so yeah, that's the thing, right... it's about knowing immediately the wins are special and meaningful and signalling with your overblown celebrations how meaningful they are to everyone else so that everyone else is extra sure to remember them and talk about them forever and ever... obviously he got lucky here, obviously it's a little crazy that both those races worked out that well from his perspective. but, y'know. got to hand it to him, I guess. something pretty neat about how both times he went 'yes I am going to change the momentum of the season today'... and he did. plus you've got to give him credit for the fact that he actually capitalised on his momentum, which isn't always easy, and basically took control of both seasons from that point onward (if in different ways and to different extents). he knew he had to take advantage of how his rivals were on the back foot after his daring victories, and he did. you could almost say, right, he knew he had to bite harder when his opponent was already bleedi- *gunshot rings out*

bonus: valencia

so the thing about this whole 'back to back wins with different manufacturers' business is that, understandably, everyone focuses on the welkom side of the equation. very spectacular, very unlikely win, really shouldn't have been possible and somehow valentino did it anyway. but, y'know, that other side of the equation is noteworthy in its own right! he really was crap at valencia. eighth place in his 1999 250cc campaign, his worst result all year when he finished the race (1 dnf that season)... his 2000 title campaign died there when he crashed... eleventh place in 2001, his worst result all year when he finished the race (1 dnf)... in 2002, he got second place there, one of only five races that season he didn't win

but he really, really wanted to win that race in valencia. now, personally, my assumption has always been it was kind of supposed to be a 'fuck you' to honda, which I still completely believe btw. but this is how he himself frames it:

I was the one who worried. Saturday night I took pictures of myself hugging and embracing the RC211V. I wanted to say goodbye to my bike because I knew that tomorrow we would race our last race together. Leaving the RC211V was what hurt most. In fact, I now believe the reason it took me so long to say yes to Yamaha was because I was so attached to that bike. As I looked at the RC211V and thought that we would soon be separated, I genuinely feared that it would take a very long time before I once again tasted victory. That's why I decided I had to win that last race of the 2003 season. It would be a great way of saying goodbye of course, but also I wanted to stock up on victories, I wanted to have the taste of triumph fresh in mind because who knew when I would win again with Yamaha?

which, okay, setting aside for a minute what a freak he is about these bloody bikes, there's two underlying reasons he expresses here for why he's so desperate to win this race. first of all, yes, he really loves that bike and wants to give it the farewell their partnership deserves. and second of all, more poignantly (for the non-bike fuckers anyway), he really did not know when he'd win again. I don't know, it's something that stuck with me... I think we can talk all we like about how big a risk it was and what a step into the unknown it was and nobody believed he could do what he did etc etc, but to me this is just the most straightforward way of capturing that uncertainty. valentino wanting to remember the taste of victory, because he knew he might be giving it up for a long time. he loves winning so, so much, he's done so much over the years to win, he's never been able to stop chasing the high... and yet he walked away from that bike

"I decided I had to win that last race" is in itself funny because obviously a lot of people can't just 'decide' to win races. which, yes, it's just a thing people say, but it does capture the essence of that type of valentino win where it feels like he's won it through sheer force of will. a lot of the times, these are his spite wins - the phillip island 2004's and jerez 2005's of this world - hey, speaking of sete duels, we should include le mans and sachsenring and brno and qatar 2005 as well. various biaggi wins, perhaps most memorably the middle finger race in suzuka 2001 and his last lap overtake in phillip island 2001, where he won his first premier class title. when he beats spaniards in dramatic battles at catalunya like 2004, 2005, 2009, 2016. his fury at his penalty at phillip island 2003 that results in that spectacular fifteen second margin over the field. his desire to fuck with jorge in motegi/sepang 2010. let's throw in his dominant win in jerez 2016 in enemy territory, the first race win he'd had of that nature since... oof, let me have a think, maybe assen 2009? (incidentally, the race that directly followed catalunya.) like, man, this is not how he was winning races post-prime, it was always one hell of a struggle - with one glaring exception

which makes it worth pointing out that the second and indeed last time he won in valencia was in 2004, when he was in the process of dismantling sete. now, given sete ended up finishing fourth, it wasn't strictly necessary to get the win to ensure the curse continued doing its thing. but, y'know, there was a point where sete was in front of valentino on-track. then sete tries to overtake biaggi, pretty firmly it has to be said, and pushes them both wide allowing valentino to sweep right on through, which I found pretty funny icl. anyway, the best way to ensure your rival doesn't win a race is to win it yourself, right? after the frustration of qatar, he reacted by winning the last three races of the season spurred on by sheer spite. no wonder he took notes and learned a little something about how to best motivate himself

bonus 2: things that aged badly

october 2003, mind you. he really got those guys good

bonus 3: dovi

I mean, come on. it is a little bit funny that both valentino and marc acquire a new rival at age 24 seemingly out of nowhere who was their main rival for three years. (I don't care what the championship standings say, marco melandri was not valentino's main rival in 2005 - sete might have been extremely cursed but those were still The Battles that year.) said rival was 6-7 years older than them, known for being a particularly smart rider and a wet weather specialist, and announced themselves as a major threat in large part through winning two dramatic last lap duels against the all time great in the first year of that rivalry. both rivalries were (well, initially in valentino's case) notable for being significantly warmer on an interpersonal level than the ATG's previous major rivalry

both had previously been hrc riders but had been fired by the team. gibernau had one premier class win before 2003, dovi had two before 2017, and all three of those wins came in the wet. ofc dovi did have a bit more pedigree - the 125cc title, stronger results in the premier class, considerably more podiums. but both dovi and gibernau weren't really supposed to be the main rival to the ATG, not even within their own team - though, obviously, the reasons why they ended up assuming that mantle couldn't have been more different. with both of them, people said they'd changed their approach to riding, mainly in terms of their mentality - and that it had helped them grow into their new role as the primary challenger

there's not really a point here... I just think it's neat. obviously it is a little funny how differently those respective relationships unfolded, but I also wouldn't say it's fair to entirely pin that on the personalities involved, as opposed to circumstantial factors. that being said

[sanb3rry]

i like you a little ...

in which jean might have a tiny crush on you.

"for the last time, no, i don't like her."

jean knows lying won't do him any good, especially lying to his best friends.

jean likes you, he's liked you for a while actually.

he likes your smile, your humor, the way you carry yourself, he likes that you always know how he's feeling even when he doesn't say it and how you always brighten up his day. whenever you walk into the room, all the gloomy feelings he has evaporates.

he likes how you make him feel wanted. he likes every moment he spends with you, he likes the days when you two would go to the library to study, the days the two of you would go to cafes and just talk for hours, the days you two would go to a playground and just mess around, or the days you two would spend in his room just listening to vinyls.

he would climb the tallest mountains and swim the deepest of seas if it meant you'd be happy. his heart almost always beats out of his chest whenever he sees you.

"jean, it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me" sasha replied, "i mean if you like her just go for it, y'know she probably likes you back" sasha added to herself.

"you think she might like me back? really?" jean said, connie and sasha share a look. "so you do like her?" sasha asked. jean widened his eyes, "loser, you can admit it, no ones gonna come out and get you." connie teased.

a day has passed since the conversation he had with his two friends, did he finally admit he liked you? no, of course not.

"thanks for walking me home, i appreciate it a lot." you said to break the silence. "i appreciate that you're letting me walk you home, i'd rather be here than anywhere else." he retaliated, and to make you even more flustered than you already were, he gave you his signature charming smile.

you nodded, "y'know, i've been hearing a lot of rumors in school." he looks at you confused, and also partly wishing his friend group didn't rat him out on his small crush on you. "rumors? what do you mean?"

you looked at him, "jean, do you want to go out to the carnival with me this weekend?" he blinked, why were you changing the topic so quickly? was it something he said? his thoughts were going a million miles a minute. "yea sure, i can pick you up. who's coming?" well, at least he sounded a bit suave.

"no, i mean, i want to go with you, just you, like just you and me." you were stumbling over your words, you were obviously very nervous. jean finds it very cute, but he couldn't admire you when he is equally as nervous and he's very certain his brain is malfunctioning.

"just you and me?" he asked to make sure he was hearing things right.

you nodded "just you and me, like a date, i mean that's how dates work right? i think, no i'm pretty sure they work like that, sorry, i'm rambling way too much"

jean is going to explode, his heart is actually gonna beat out of his chest, at least he'll die knowing you like him back.

"no no, i'm sorry i was just confused, i didn't think you liked me back" jean laughed awkwardly. "so the rumors i heard were true? i'm so relieved, i thought i was taking my chances here." you sighed.

"of course they're true! you are all i can think about if i'm gonna be honest." he confessed.

to say you were flustered was an understatement, "jean, i feel exactly the same about you, it's like you complete me, i wouldn't be me without you."

when those words came out of your mouth jean knew his tiny crush on you maybe isn't as tiny as he thought it was.

jean kissed you, he couldn't help himself. how could he? you're all he could dream of, and you just said you liked him back. but now he could add 'an amazing kisser' to the list of things he likes about you.

"i would love to take you on a date." he said after he pulled away.

"i hope you know i'll be holding you to that" you smiled.

© sanb3rry2023

[bigskydreaming]

So, been awhile! Apologies for that - took a step back from most social media sites for a few months because the accumulated stresses and everpresent urgency to most things I've been dealing with for the past five plus years finally caught up with me and I kinda just....crashed, and needed some time to get my head on straight. Or whatever the non-obvious-pun version of that might be for a Known Bisexual. Everything was getting to be too constantly 'stop and go' for me, if that makes sense.....like I'd TRY to be more present on here, TRY to work on things like my patreon and fic and meta and stuff like that because I've really wanted to get back to creating actual stuff that people enjoy instead of being like My Issues: The Latest Installment and the like, but then something else would crop up and kill my momentum before it even really got going and I'd have to duck away yet again, and rinse and repeat.

HENCE! I took a more dedicated, extended leave to try and get into a headspace and build a buffer that better lends itself to me getting back to the kinds of posting/writing conditions I've thrived under in the past. It took longer than I thought, but I've never been good at accurately estimating things lol. I've still been on twitter somewhat sporadically, since a huge part of why I hate that site is its format makes it all but impossible to really get to ranting at length...y'know, as I do, my tried and true time-suck method of procrastinating...and with everything going on in the world these days I didn't want to disconnect entirely even though I did need time to work through some shit. BUT I DIGRESS.

Point is, felt like I needed something more substantial than the optimistic-but-lacking-in-actual-energy-and-planning measures I've attempted in the past couple years in order to get on top of things and achieve a measure of consistency and stability again. Less shooting for the moon because I just WANT to be back to my older, happier/more content patterns, more....putting some actual time and thought into how I can realistically make that happen instead of just trying to will it into existence through sheer stubbornness. Because obviously, THAT always works.

ANYWAY. It'll still be a couple days before I get back to regular posting/reblogging patterns or much of any of that at all.....don't be confused if you see some blink and you miss them temporary posts from me over the next day or two. I'm testing out the formatting and layout of a bunch of posts and graphics made for my patreon and original fiction stuff, since the preview post function doesn't always work with read mores in a post and they're all gonna need that lol. If anyone's up for it, I am finalizing the price/reward tiers of my patreon and could use some thoughts on the different levels - I think I have them mostly figured out but wouldn't mind some additional perspectives on how I broke things down and if I'm missing some alternatives. Just message me directly if you'd like to weigh in or lend me your thoughts!

I've never wanted my tumblr to be all about fic or just original content or anything like that, so the patreon's meant to kinda keep all that separate beyond just generalized update announcements on here. The blog will remain just a regular multi-purpose smorgasboard of my reblogs and thoughts on other posts and meta about my various fandoms and all that jazz. The patreon discord will have spaces having to do with my various fanfics, but they'll never be exclusive to it in any way, and every fic update I make will still be on my blog same as always. I've been building masterlists of all my Dick Grayson meta and all my Teen Wolf meta, as well as headcanons and writing snippets/scenes that never got posted elsewhere because I didn't consider them full fics, and I'm starting a series of posts that lean directly into my tendencies to be an Overly Opinionated Asshole who - historically speaking - has never been, uh, shy, shall we say, about Having Thoughts about various fandom patterns or trends.

So....look out for the upcoming "Kalen Vs Fandoms" post series. What? It sounded catchy to me. First up:

"Fandoms' tendency to pick one character per fandom to have every other character introduce as the dumbest person they've ever met, but no its okay, they're actually really fond of them and universally defaulting to a judgmental or patronizing shot at their intelligence every single time they're the topic of conversation among other characters just naturally happens to be part of every single other character's love language - is this perhaps NOT as endearing or affectionate as fandoms tend to treat it as?" Aka "How many people can actually say they'd be comfortable with the idea of every single person in their family or friend group leading with "I genuinely think they're stupid but I love them anyway" each time they talk about them to someone else, and if you don't think that's a normal conversation starter for people to have about a loved one, why do so many fandoms attempt to treat it as such?"

.....the length of post title should not be taken as an indicator of how long each post is. If people want to draw their own conclusions about post length based solely on the fact that they're, well, by me.....I mean. That's totally your prerogative. Nothing I can do about that!

Post topics will run the gamut, if for no other reason than gamut is an amazing word that doesn't get used enough and I wanted to use it. From "Its totally valid to project onto characters and use fic as a way to work through various issues via that projection but how much does this have to do with how defensively people react to the slighest criticism of character choices in their fics as though personally attacked - discuss" to "Criticizing and condemning the writers of source material for specific things - to rave reviews from followers - only to then do the exact same specific things in your own fics - to rave reviews from followers - while claiming that the mere fact of being a fan not getting paid for writing those specific things somehow makes them less worthy of criticism.....are we all seeing the problem here."

There's a slight chance those titles are perhaps....somewhat unnecessarily asshole-coded, but like, in a whimsical way! I think. Whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine!

Will either rhyme OR reason be involved in the order of post topics? No. Not even a little bit. Next question.

Aside from "Kalen vs Fandoms" I've been putting a lot of thought into what other topics or content I can expound upon at length, to the possible interest of people. I'm good at writing and editing and analyzing narratives. Not claiming to be the best, just not trying to fish for compliments or anything. I think my analysis of narrative and character choices has generally been of interest in most fandoms I've been in, but when I'm IN a fandom, I do personally invest in favorite characters and stories that inevitably put me in opposition to takes from fans of other characters and stories within that fandom, and when that happens, the Horseman of Discourse inevitably follows and I....do the discourse. Look, I am who I am. I see the discourse, I engage with the discourse. Unless I don't care about the topic of discourse, in which case I don't, because that discourse doesn't matter. Obviously.

SO! In the interest of posting about narrative analysis and breakdowns of writing choices, character arcs and the like but WITHOUT engaging in The Discourse, I'll be making an easy-to-find post of fandoms or source material whose characters and narratives I'm familiar enough with TO have opinions or analysises of, but for whatever reason, the fandom has never clicked for me and I've never actually felt a desire to be part of it. Thus I'm not likely to be invested or compelled enough to follow up on anyone disagreeing with my personal thoughts or analysis or various character arcs or narratives, because its literally just like, my opinion man, presented for no other purpose than to potentially be of interest to anyone who might be interested in it. No actual follow up needed on my part because I'm not particularly chuffed if people have different takes, they're totally valid, mine don't exist for the purpose of being defended there, they just exist because Opinions, I Had Them, Here Look. Or Don't. Its Totally Whatever.

Because I don't feel as strongly about these pieces of media as I do fandoms I'm personally invested in, it is trickier to come up with a comprehensive list of ones I can weigh in on. So please feel free to hit up my inbox with any fandoms, narrative or character arcs you're curious about my take on, and I'll let you know if they're fandoms I consider myself a participant in, and thus not really right for this series, or if they're something I'm just not knowledgeable about.....but if they're not an actual fandom of mine and I AM familiar enough with them to have an analytical take or response, I'll add them to the masterlist/post as a potential topic.

This series will be called and tagged "Kalen Vs Writing Choices" (That I Personally Don't Like Or Think Could Be Better). The parenthetical part is there solely to be a disclaimer clarifying that my ego is not so great that I think that My Subjective Take on the writing choices made or not made is the only one that matters. I mean, I don't intend to include the disclaimer as part of the actual tag and will mostly leave it as y'know, like, something IMPLIED, but the disclaimer still exists and thus counts. That's totally how that works.

And that's how I've chosen to awkwardly segue into the final intended-of-three post series.....Dramatically Abrupt Tonal Shift Ahoy!

This next part will get long, but I would truly appreciate it if you gave it a read despite its length and even if - especially if - the next topic isn't one you typically look for my take on, or even avoid my take on, because I don't think I'm likely to ever express my thoughts on this matter any more genuinely or directly than this. Like I'm not trying to guilt anyone or anything like that, its more I'm just trying to say if you ever read ANY single post of mine when it comes to the next topic or pick a post to base your decision on whether or not TO wade into something I have to say on this subject, I would appreciate it if you made that this next part here, as I think it best conveys where I'm coming from when it comes to most any post I make along these lines.

So. The thing is....most people who've followed me long know that in the past I've frequently been extremely vocal on topics of rape, incest and abuse, specifically through the lens of being a male survivor. These absolutely are personal for me. This has led to me having a lot of Overly Opinionated Takes on these topics and how they're talked about, depicted and treated within fandom conversations, fics, and social media spheres and conversations at large. I've also pretty obviously not posted on these topics nearly as much in recent years as I once did - but not because I feel any less strongly about them.

And that's one hundred percent because it's frustrating as hell to see a very good portion of the posts I make about any OTHER topic in my usual fandoms go on to accumulate hundreds of notes....while NONE of my posts on these topics ever break out of my direct circle of mutuals. I don't say it to be egotistical - look how many notes I get on stuff - I say it because its literally objectively factual, and the disparity is dramatic, and the disparity is a PROBLEM. Especially given how much the topics of male rape and abuse - in SPECIFIC - tend to be, within most of my past fandoms.

This disparity has a very clear reason for existing too: people have never been shy about citing that they refrain from reblogging or referencing my posts on these topics because they feel like I act like I'm the only opinion that matters on them, the sole authority to be listened to here, that I use my status as a male rape survivor as a cudgel, to shut down opposing takes or points of view.

Which I would totally be fine with or understand if not for the fact that I've always gone out of my way to express that I don't want or expect my opinions on these matters to be taken as anything other than my personal opinions born of my personal experiences, which I cite because they're relevant. I don't think that survivors should have to disclose their status or personal history or details in order to have their opinion heard on these topics, but I deeply resent how often survivors making the choice TO disclose their personal history or relationship with these topics in order to directly unpack how that informs our perspective....is weaponized AGAINST us, in order to shut down and discredit OUR takes even while literally accusing us of only disclosing in order to do the exact same thing to others.

Something that I've posted about a LOT in the hopes of getting it spread throughout fandoms that regularly talk about male rape is for literal decades I've seen people harp on about how men can be raped too, believe male survivors, don't believe the myth that men can't be raped, etc. Which like, I appreciate the sentiment, but the thing I've tried to express for years is that in my personal experience, and those of a lot of other male survivors I've talked to - this is not really the biggest or even ONE of the biggest issues most male survivors face.

And the fact that for all that there are many survivors in fandom who have made the difficult choice to be open about their traumas and recoveries - which I ALWAYS respect, as that is never easy for any of us - a huge part of why I've always made a point to disclose my own history as a male survivor is because there just flat out aren't a lot of perspectives from MALE survivors in specific, being circulated in pretty much any of the fandom spaces I've ever been in over the past twenty years. I don't even slightly think I'm any more of an expert or authority on topics of rape or abuse - beyond how they pertain to my own personal experiences - than any other survivor. But as long as the topic of MALE rape and abuse in specific, how men are affected by these things, how society reacts to us and treats us in the aftermath....as long as these are the topics explicitly being discussed.....I do think my perspective as a male survivor is pretty fucking relevant, and admittedly, I tend to get pretty heated about pushing BACK against attempts to invalidate it or shout it down as though I somehow have LESS of a stake in or right to be heard in these particular conversations. And I get how this has at times come across as attempting to dominate a given conversation.

But like.....I'm also going to point back up to the part where I said earlier....I'm an Overly Opinionated Asshole. I say it somewhat deprecatingly, for the lulz, but also not. I'm very passionate about conversations and topics I feel strongly about and I don't make apologies for it. And for the most part....this has NEVER stopped people from reblogging or liking posts I make about pretty much any other topic....despite me not really coming across that differently in most of them, compared to how I come across in most of my past posts on topics of rape and abuse.

See....I'm in complete agreement with everyone who emphasizes that rape isn't a gendered issue. That it can and does happen to individuals of any gender or identity. But the reason why I've always found the focus on 'remember that men can be raped too' more performative than helpful is because for almost twenty years, I've been posting on these topics in various fandom spaces and trying to express that in my personal experience, something that REALLY deserves to be talked about more is the fact that rape is not gendered. But rape CULTURE very much IS.

Like it or not, we live in a very gendered society still. While yes, men can be raped too.....for a number of reasons - most of them born of sexism and misogyny in specific - the conditions, catalysts and reasons for men being raped are NOT interchangeable with those at work in instances of women being raped, as an example. Because the way society treats men and women in pretty much EVERY situation is different. Similarly, the way society REACTS to men and women disclosing they've been raped is different. And so on and so on.

So 'remember that men can be raped too' has some basis in societal claims that men can't be raped or that rape IS a gendered issue....but not as much as I think most people tend to believe. And twenty years after I first started searching out perspectives of other male survivors in online fandom spaces, beyond just real world physical support groups, I'm STILL hearing 'remember that men can be raped too' dominating all conversations about male survivors just as regularly and repetitiously as it was twenty years ago....as though the world has not changed at all, and the needle on this particular facet of male survivorhood hasn't changed an inch in the past two decades when no, actually, it very much has.

The reason why I feel so strongly about offering up my perspective as a male survivor in a relative absence of seeing other male survivors' perspectives circulated is I honestly believe the reason this is so consistently upheld as the biggest problem facing male survivors is its a carry-over from women attempting to be heard and believed when disclosing....which makes sense and is completely understandable....as long as there's a complete absence of male survivors offering up any perspective that's to the contrary.

But the fact that we live in a gendered society where rape culture, not rape itself, still very much IS gendered due to being a product of....living in a gendered society....means that the differences in how society treats and reacts to men and women affects every aspect of how society treats and reacts to men and women survivors. And that starts with disclosure itself. In my personal experience - and fully acknowledging that I don't speak for any other male survivor in this moment, and I absolutely do believe there are those who have experiences to the contrary, and that matters too - MY experience, which also matters, is that not once in the twenty years since I've started disclosing about my own rape, or the csa I experienced as a child - have I actually had an issue being believed.

With full acknowledgment of how unfair it is, how gross, the reality of living in a sexist, patriarchal society where male privilege very much exists, is that while men can be raped too, this traumatic thing that happened to us does not in any way actually invalidate or negate our male privilege. It doesn't turn it off for the duration of our experience or any time its relevant to our experiences going forward. We carry that privilege with us through our recoveries and the rest of our lives just as much as we did before it, because its an inalienable result of being in a society that allocates privilege solely on the basis of being born a man who identifies and presents as a cis man (with respect to trans individuals having another axis of experience that very much differentiates all matters pertaining to rape culture, in comparison to cis men, just as much as in the case of cis women, albeit in different ways).

And the gross unfortunate reality of our society is that it ALWAYS prioritizes believing men over women, in all matters......especially cis white men like myself.

So the simple fact is....even the act of disclosure - and the likelihood of being believed when voluntarily choosing to share the information that we've been raped - means that a cis white man like myself does not receive the same reaction as most women receive when attempting to share that same information. Society preconditions a lot of people to be more receptive to taking cis white men at their word, comparative to affording anyone else that basic respect.

Getting people to believe me when I say I was raped has never been the issue for me that other individuals face.

But that doesn't mean that my disclosure doesn't result in issues for me.

Because while being raped never invalidated or negated any of my cis white male privilege, neither did having cis white male privilege negate the possibility of me being raped - OR the fact that society ALSO preconditions people to be really fucking shitty about survivors.

(Hell, ANY kind of living victim....with this also being very relevant to abuse survivors, survivors of physical assault, etc. Much like people can be overflowing with empathy for unborn children who can't offer up any take to the contrary to whatever people want to say "in defense or support of unborn children," only to turn around and cease caring about most of those babies the second they're born, people tend to be just as overflowing with empathy for deceased victims of abuse, rape, assault and the like....who, y'know, also can't offer up any take to the contrary of whatever they say or claim about what they WOULD want, what they DO deserve, etc. Present those same people with a living child or a living victim who can and DOES have an opinion that doesn't match what those people feel it SHOULD be? Watch attitudes shift VERY quickly, as allllll that empathy hurriedly flushes down the drain as though it was never there).

But the point is, my cis white male privilege is always here regardless. But that doesn't mean rape culture isn't shitty enough that it can't find a way to circumvent even that in pursuit of discrediting/invalidating/ignoring survivors, just like that privilege can be circumvented in order to create the situation where a man is raped in the first place.

Its just....the gendered nature of rape culture means HOW those attempts to discredit/invalidate/ignore male survivors manifests.....doesn't look the same as when it leads to just outright disbelieving other survivors when they attempt to disclose.

And that is how I can be listened to and reblogged on most any other topic, no matter HOW I go about presenting myself in those posts or conversations - ironically in no small part BECAUSE of my cis white male privilege - while only getting crickets when I post on these topics, BECAUSE people only choose THOSE posts to make my presentation or level of intensity a dealbreaker, and thus their very reason for ignoring anything I have to say there. Not because they don't believe me, but because the WAY I say it is too aggressive, too biased, too emotional, too intense....its an attack on their autonomy, an attempt to override whatever they previously thought or believed about the subject and just force them to adhere to my take.

Because the thing about living in a sexist, patriarchal society is.....that IS a thing that cis white men often do, and a lot of society is structured to make it easier for us to achieve this in most instances, frankly. This just happens to be a rare exception, because for a lot of reasons that would make this post even longer - and that again, I've often posted about before - upholding and reinforcing rape culture on a society wide level supersedes the usual focus on accommodating INDIVIDUAL cis white men in having their opinions heard and circulated.

I'm trying to be as frank as possible here about the intersection of privilege and experiences of being a male survivor because I don't believe its to anyone's benefit to be disingenuous about it, and I do think that it doesn't actually supplant the fact that male survivors do have just as much right - and NEED - to be heard and listened to about our experiences with rape and perspective there, and have those ACKNOWLEDGED, as anyone else.

Its just....the existence of privilege and how that differentiates most experiences in a gendered society matters, and thus.....it needs to be part of the conversation rather than just treating all responses to rape and survivors as agendered, just because rape itself can and does happen to people of all genders.

There's actually a fair amount to get into when it comes to differences in a lot of mens' disclosures vs womens' in my experience, but just as an extension of what I'm talking about here, one of the specific elements in my experience is that men often don't have a problem being believed about having been raped or abused.....but one of the predominant responses is society is heavily preconditioned to view male rape and abuse survivors as almost inevitably feeling they need to exert a similar power over someone else in order to claim back their own feelings of pride and safety in their masculinity. Effectively.....most every male rape or abuse survivor I've ever talked with at length shares a similar experience of being believed when they disclose about being a survivor....but noting a clear and direct shift in how whomever they disclosed to interacts with them....with EVERY expression of anger or outrage - particularly in the matter of their rape or abuse - being viewed as evidence of us being ticking time bombs who are inevitably primed to explode and take out what happened to us on someone else.

There's being cautious around cis white men, for example, because we're cis white men, which I totally get and am not expressing an opinion on. I'm just saying even with that acknowledged, there is a SHIFT in how people interact with me after I've disclosed to them personally, in how they....scrutinize me, for lack of a better way of putting it, in very noticeable ways and areas. Like its consistent. And think about how its not totally true that media doesn't portray men as being capable of being raped or abused, typically. Think about how often you've seen procedurals where the backstory of the rapist or abuser of the week is specifically THAT they were a rape or abuse survivor themselves, usually in childhood. Its NOT that society doesn't believe or accept that men can be raped too. Its that society is primed to default to viewing the very act of men being raped as an indicator of the shift from them being a man to being a man who is likely to become a predator themselves.

Rape appears all the time in regards to male survivors in media. Its just it usually just appears in the context of men who arent presented AS survivors, but rather as predators or aggressors themselves, and their past victimization treated as a catalyst rather than a trauma. This is not to excuse any such character or depiction of course, its simply to emphasize that the very angle from which male survivorhood is approached in most contexts is different from that of other survivors. Just like the angle from which their survivorhood is approached is different from that of male survivors. And thus the issue most men have with disclosing in my experience is NOT that we're afraid we won't be believed....its that we're afraid once we disclose, we'll be viewed as inherently more dangerous because our victimization primes us to be that much more likely to inflict ourselves on others in some attempt to reclaim our masculinity.

And its categorically NOT about any group of survivors having it better or worse than others, which is why I LOATHE people saying variations of 'you wouldn't say that about this if it happened to a woman' because anyone attempting to pit male survivors against other survivors en masse is NOT doing so for my benefit or with my endorsement. The point is just that each way society and rape culture interacts with a different group of survivors presents different problems and issues that need addressing, and aren't interchangeable.

There is a REASON why the subject of Dick Grayson's anger - usually in the context of things that have happened to him - is so important to me, specifically in terms of ensuring that its treated as something he's allowed to have....rather than an indicator that he's going to messily explode his life in a way that impacts everyone around him negatively.

Now.....if you've never considered that aspect of rape vs rape culture and how it can differently affect and shape the experiences and recovery of cis male survivors versus trans male survivors and nonbinary survivors and survivors who identify as women.....I ask that you consider what else my perspective might be able to add to actually productive, meaningful conversations about rape, rape culture and survivorhood, that you never would have thought TO think about before, without male survivors bringing it up based on it having played a role in personal experiences.

And then I just ask that you please think about the implications of someone known for being a vocal presence in certain fandoms, with a fairly sizable number of posts widely circulating throughout them......never having posts about male rape and survivorhood circulated to any noticeable degree, despite writing DOZENS of them, in all kinds of different moods, ways and intensity levels.....and all of them while active in fandoms where male rape is regularly discussed or focused on due to certain characters or storylines......and ask yourselves if it maybe seems a little off for the disparity to be THAT large. Again: I have written DOZENS of posts on this topic. All with less than twenty notes. I'll be composing a masterlist of them in the near future as well, but for now I'm just saying. Please just think about that.

While I'm going to make an effort to be more deliberate in how I approach this topic in posts going forward, tonally and in terms of word choice, I do have a right to be just as passionate about it as any other topic, and it is FUCKED UP to think that my personal experiences here should be pointed to as the very REASON I should need to be LESS passionate than I am anywhere else, in order to be heard or listened to. Still. I am not actually trying to override anyone else's viewpoint, present myself as some kind of ultimate authority, or shut down other survivors in any way....I'm just trying to uphold the relevancy and importance of adding my own perspective to the conversation.

I don't want to be the only voice listened to here. But as long as my voice is relevant, and I don't see or hear a lot of other voices speaking from a similar standpoint, I would like to be a RESOURCE on topics of male survivorhood, rape and recovery, from that particular standpoint. And even if and when other male survivors might perchance add their own perspectives with experiences and takes contrary to mine....I welcome that! Because mine is not the only one, cis white male survivors are no more a monolith than anyone else, and none of that will in any way actually invalidate my own perspective or experiences or render them no longer relevant at all.

Being a resource on a topic that has always been everpresent in most fandoms I've gravitated to - which has often been a reason FOR me gravitating to those fandoms in specific.....that has always been my ONLY goal with these kinds of posts. NOT an authority.

So, having my posts - which for all my willingness to write them, has never been easy for me and probably never will - reframed in such a negative way, dismissed and even weaponized against me - has over the years demoralized me and made it harder to find the energy TO tackle these topics, as much as I'd like to. But I do feel that I've found a second wind when it comes to this and think I'm ready to wade back into being Overly Opinionated on these topics as well.

So that's the third of the three post series I'll be starting, "Kalen vs Topics of Rape, Rape Culture and Survivorhood As Perceived Through A Singular Personalized Cis White Male Lens, Presented By (and With) My Middle Finger At Any Attempts to Subvert Or Undermine My Thoughts On Them By Reframing Them As Me Trying To Gatekeep Male Survivorhood No Matter How Many Times I Use The Words IN MY EXPERIENCE or IN MY OPINION, Which I Do A Lot, Because This Has Been Happening For A Very Long Time, And I Am Tired, But Still Very Opinionated, And Still Very Here, So Bite Me I Guess."

.....I'm still workshopping that one's title. Its a process.

ANYWAY. At the moment, I'm aiming to make one post of each once a month, and if I do more than that great, but not trying to pressure myself to do any more than that at the moment in the interests of Realism. We'll play it by ear. If I have more free time or energy than expected, maybe I'll do more. Its not like I have a shortage of Very Opinionated Opinions, after all. You've met me.

BUT I DIGRESS.

So in the interest of not making this long ass post any fucking longer, not that anyone really expected otherwise from my first post back in months, like could I REALLY even claim to ACTUALLY be back if all I had to show for it was some weak little lackluster drabble that wasn't even 3,000 words? Methinks the fuck not -

Well, have an abrupt and anticlimactic finish that comes out of nowhere despite giving myself literally 4,900 words to build to something appropriately profound or meaningful or whatthefuckever. Y'know. Your standard Kalen Classic. The abrupt and anticlimactic wrap up I mean, not the profound and deeply meaningful one. Eh. You get it.

Did ya miss me? I missed you!

PS - I was Informed that we are almost to the end of Tommy T's Tenure, is it almost safe to come back to Nightwing comics? Does anyone know when his last issue is? Have we planned the party yet? Who's on balloons, we definitely need balloons.