#obviously dnd shows have like. description and stuff and i love it every time

[starstruckodysseys]

beginning to think my love of dnd shows and my love of writing dialogue are somehow connected

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

5.2.20. 2:17 AM

My broken heart cracks easily like an egg. My fragile exterior bursting revealing a beautiful yellow interior, splatting on the pan of my trauma, fried and gently placed over cheesy grits. The delicious combo of trauma that’s comforting and delicious yet not the best for my health over time. 

I’m gonna die of clogged arteries if I don’t chill out. I’ve been reading The Body Keeps The Score. It’s a book on how trauma literally affects every organ. 

I cannot fathom doing the things other people have done to me. I have exposed so many people for being shady or bad but I still feel this void within myself. The void of the sum of the things that they did to me that have made me feel small enough to fit into their empty places. 

I am a distraction. 

Much of my relationships have been distractions from my own success. It’s reciprocal. Much of my relationships were distractions from trauma. Toxic. Lusty. Short. Toxic. Forced. Toxic. Sexually charged and empty interactions to fill the time between silent realizations of unhappiness and incompatibility. 

For example: 

My exes have similar family backgrounds: Emotionally absent fathers with extensive trauma issues who coped with said trauma with some sort of substance abuse. A loving mother who stayed with their dad no matter what happened, lacked boundaries and were the “tough tom boys” of their families. These dudes were either the youngest or only child.

The only person who does not fit this description is the first guy I ever “dated.”

I analyze every person that comes into my life to protect myself. 

The more I know about the past and the reoccurring patterns that have adversely affected my life, the more likely I am to prevent them from happening again and causing further damage. That’s what healing is supposed to do. That’s stopping the cycle. That’s what years of therapy and journaling are supposed to do. Get you to analyze what you’re doing and the reasons why. 

You’re studying yourself.  

My failures or mediocrity have scared me into complacency. Once dysfunction becomes commonplace, it’s the norm. It becomes the daily grind. If you grow up in dysfunction, inevitably if not properly treated, you will become a toxic person. 

If you didn’t have the proper support after a traumatizing event, you are more likely to develop PTSD or other mental health issues. Toxicity will become a part of your relationships. If you do not know how to deal with trauma in a healthy way, self-sabotage will become a survival mechanism you will be unable to turn off. 

Drinking, drug use, gambling, copious amounts of sex, binge eating, disordered eating, eating disorders, excessive exercising, risky behaviors like speeding and etc, are not going to make you feel better and will only traumatize you more. 

Misery isn’t a vibe. Dysfunction doesn’t have to be a vibe. We can heal and it hurts different. It hurts less. It doesn’t hurt worse. 

When we journal, reach out, participate in the things we love, be creative, make goals, cut toxic people out of our lives and etc, we make space for growth. We pick up the clutter of our traumas, we weed out those memories and dispose of them with care, we have space for growth and good people in our lives who want healthy relationships with us and themselves. 

Right now, I’m blaring good music in my ear phones, typing at nearly 2 AM about how I feel while hoping it reaches someone that needs to hear it because it makes me feel good to know I’m helping someone heal by feeling less alone. 

Also, this is better than what self-destructive behavior I typically have no business engaging in at this time. 

Making a positive impact on the world before I die has got to be the biggest goal I have for myself. I want to be remembered as someone who tried their best but it’s difficult because I can’t be perfect. Eventually, I’m going to mess up or something will be revealed about me that disappoints people. What can I do about that? 

Nothing. 

So *swerve* I can’t worry about that. What I can’t control in this life, I can’t ruminate on.   

What COVID-19 has taught me has been to move with the punches. You only can depend on yourself. Money really does help get what I need to get done, done. 

So, I have been applying to different places and got a job at a grocery store, the other day. I am attempting to secure employment during a pandemic because of the future economic collapse that is evolving before our eyes but I can’t freak out about that too much because I can only control what I got in front of me. 

I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make a relationship work, one sided. I can’t expect myself to be perfect. I can’t control the economic future. 

I can control who I have in my life because I can positively affect my emotional well-being by cutting them out of my life. I can control how I react to adversity. Even if I feel out of control, I have every right to stop what I’m doing and do something more productive and conducive for my mental health. I don’t have to act crazy for attention. I can be myself and attract positive attention from people who like me instead of acting like a clown for one person. 

Just because you can make people laugh doesn’t mean they’re cheering you on. Some of them are so bored and/or apathetic, they don’t care that the clown has feelings. They don’t share your goofy nature. They think you’re weak and they prey on that perceived weakness. They see joy as naivety. They only want to be entertained and oh what fun it is to watch a train wreck of clowns. *cough cough* 

I can definitely say that I am a train wreck of clowns and I don’t want to be anymore but it’s a comfort zone for me. The dark humor doesn’t help. 

Love and attention are not the same things. 

If they care, they’ll be there for you. You shouldn’t have to show off for attention. You shouldn’t have to crash their crib or throw stuff at them for them to care about you. 

Plus, people experience their emotions in different ways. Some people shut down. Other people feel nothing. Some people stop caring about everything but then you can’t control how people react to life. 

Some people throw things. Yell. Get loud. 

But if you stop to think about why someone does something, it makes sense. I get loud when I argue with my partner because I feel unheard. I feel like what I have to say doesn’t matter to them and when I get angry I yell so they can hear what I have to say. Obviously, that’s not how one gets their point across. That’s the maturity talking. 

I have control of the volume of my voice and if I feel repeatedly insulted and unheard, I need to walk away depending on the type of relationship. Either, I have to walk away or make things work but if making things work didn’t work, I’m going to have to walk away. It’s simple, really. 

If you’re unheard, you’re being disrespected so WALK AWAY! 

If you know that someone will be unable to love you the way you deserve to be loved, walk away because that‘s the most selfish type of love. You know you can’t fix them. You know you can’t make them love you. How will they ever make you happy if they’re going to be miserable with you? 

Have you seen Bruce Almighty? Not even God can make someone love you. The Universe cannot create love. You are love.You have to find and create that for yourself.  

You have to love yourself and achieve your goals or you’ll never find happiness. You have to pursue your own joy in this life in order to feel fulfilled or you’ll never have fulfilling relationships. 

How do you expect a relationship to manufacture something you’ve never felt on your own? 

Whatever energy you put out into the Universe will come back to you. You are a part of Karma. Whatever good you put out there, will come back to you. Whatever bad, will go into the world and come back to you. That balance is what redeems the imperfection it is to be human. 

Life doesn’t have to be suffering but you need to focus on the rainbows. You have to cling onto the joyous moments that make you who you are today or you will be consumed by tragedy. You will become unrecognizable. 

Your identity will become trauma if you do not remember the good things that made you who you are today. Yes, the bad made you who you are too but so did the good. 

You’ll get sucked back into toxic relationships and repeat past traumas until you become aware of those patterns and offsetting them with who you actually are and what actually brings you joy. 

Do you like to paint? What hobbies did you have as a kid? Did you like being inside or outside more? Have you ever been interested in cooking? Do you like fashion? Have you ever wanted to play video games, soccer, DnD, go on a hike, try a new type of food and etc? Do it. 

Have you drank coffee by yourself in a restaurant? Gone to a movie by yourself? Whatever is the thing you want to do or try, do it because it will help you see your goals. It will help you feel fulfilled. 

If you were never loved by your parents or not properly loved or felt neglected in some way somehow by the important people in your life, of course you’re going to be conditioned to love in a dysfunctional way. 

But why be miserable?

Why be miserable because of that? 

Find yourself before you commit to someone who may potentially not value or love you the way you need to be valued and loved. You should not have to beg for love, act like a clown or hide yourself in some way to appease someone. 

Love you.