#nudged some stuff around and revised my wording a tad but yeah. um have fun forever

[mymarifae]

i want to talk about an.

i want to talk about an in “kick it up a notch!” specifically, and correct a slight misconception i’m starting to see pop up about her character development and how it relates to the rest of VBS but mostly akito.

an is alone in her fear of being left behind and all her other feelings of inadequacy and jealousy in regards to kohane’s astounding growth as a singer. akito is not going through the same thing she is. for one, that’s not his partner. he’s not the one who plucked kohane out of a crowd and he’s not the one who designated himself as her mentor and expected to always be the teacher and never the student.

that was all an.

that’s why this is hitting her so hard. she assumed that she was the natural talent of the vivids - and i’ll get to why that is in a second; bear with me. and no, akito does not feel this way about toya. at least not anymore.

akito’s able to pick up on what’s going on with an so, so easily because he’s extremely observant and emotionally intelligent for his age. and because yeah, he’s been through his fair share of struggling with abandonment issues and feelings of inadequacy.

key words: been through.

akito isn’t... over his problems by any means, but he’s already felt what an feels now. all the way back in middle school, when he and toya were just BAD DOGS. hell, he felt it during that soccer game that made him quit the sport altogether. and just... in general, with the way the shinonome household is, he’s well-versed in feeling untalented, and like he’s not special, and like he will never accomplish anything in his insignificant life.

he’s gone through this shit before. he’s confronted those nasty, traitorous feelings of jealousy and the fear and the despair, and he worked through them with toya. and they came out on the other side stronger and closer than ever.

i’ll get into why in just a second again, just keep bearing with me, but i need to stress that an has never been seriously challenged before. that’s why this is happening the way it is. that’s why she has no idea what these feelings are or how to deal with them. it will probably be easiest for her to lean on akito as she works through this because he understands best the very specific circumstances of her emotional turmoil:

“i picked some guy off the street and made them my partner and it turns out they’re better at singing than me.”

but akito is old friends with negativity and he knows how to channel it into positive energy, into something that will push him forward and push him to prove everyone wrong. and you know what? he’s finally getting somewhere.

“find a way out” was literally about him starting to realize that he’s not... just endlessly chasing after the rest of vbs anymore. he’s managed to close that distance he’s felt for the past... 325734254889 events.

performing against the musician that bullied him all those years ago let him see his improvement objectively. he’s better than he was in middle school, and he’s better than the guy who humiliated him and that guy improved too! that’s just how much akito has grown. he’s surpassed a lot of his limits, barriers that he once thought were impossible for him to overcome. he’s flying high above many, many people’s heads now. that is what akito started to realize that night. (and i say “started” since he kind of freaks out afterwards - because he’s not used to thinking of himself like that. he’s not used to being proud of himself. which breaks my heart but that’s getting off topic.)

the point is. akito is very, very close to overcoming this idea that he will always be the worst at everything he loves. or he’s hell of a lot closer to it than an is. and even if he’s not, he knows how to cope with those feelings and fight against them.

an doesn’t.

why? because like i said, she’s never been challenged. everything has almost always just been handed to her. i don’t mean that like she’s spoiled or something; i just mean... everyone has always looked at her and seen Shiraishi Ken’s daughter first and foremost.

“you want to learn to sing? hah! of course you do! you’re ken's daughter!”

“look at you go! of course you’re a natural at this! you’re ken's daughter!”

“you want to surpass RAD WEEKEND? well, if anyone’s got the abilities to do it, of course it’ll be ken’s daughter!”

this is the dialogue an has grown up hearing. just an endless mantra of: “you’re naturally talented / you’ll be fine / go and do your own thing / you don’t need any extra help / you don’t need any push or shove.”

“you’re ken’s daughter!”

think of it this way: what almost always happens to “gifted kids” in school? they start off miles ahead of their peers. they are separated from those peers. they are not given the same resources their peers are given because they don’t need them. inevitably, those children once praised for being so so so much smarter, so much more talented and special, fall behind as their peers begin to catch up. they weren’t given the tools they needed to continue growing, so they stagnate.

that’s close to what’s happening here with an. the rest of vbs has begun to grow beyond what she was able to achieve innately, and that scares her so fucking much. especially when it comes to kohane because there’s no way around it: an expected to always be better than her. not in a nasty, self-centered way, of course; that’s not the kind of person she is. this was just her subconscious expectation because that was how she was taught to think about herself. but now reality’s catching up to her, and she lacks the tools she needs to keep moving forward with everyone else.

she doesn’t need breathing exercises or extra warm-ups or anything like that. what she lacks is an emotional tool set. she doesn’t know how to cope with feeling inadequate and worthless and good lord it took her like an entire event to learn what jealousy is.

an is alone in her feelings right now. she can lean on her teammates - she can lean on akito especially. but she’s the only one that can free herself from these chains rusted over with fear. no one’s going to save her. no one can save her. as painful as it is, this is the push she needs. if she never learns to process and deal with these feelings, she’ll never be able to keep up with the people she loves.

but don’t take these somber words the wrong way. this is project sekai, after all! this is a game about love and friendship and growing up, and accepting your flaws and shortcomings and pushing yourself to be the best you can be - to always strive for a bright future.

an will be okay. vbs will be okay. it’ll sting for a bit, sure, but they’ll make it through.