#nppp and all that. its different

[irrealisms]

that bright, clear line liner notes

fic here if you haven't read it!

the title comes from that one animorphs quote about ruthlessness. it's one of the things that immediately springs to mind for me whenever i think about s4 spoke. the fic is... not actually about that, really; it's about the aftermath of that. getting to point B and looking back at the wreckage and going oh, fuck. something that struck me in his newest video which provided a lot of the inspiration for this fic is how much-- in s4 he is so purely goal-directed; everything he's doing is always for this, and no matter what happens, his only thought is how do i spin this back in my favor, with no thought given to collateral damage or irl feelings. and then, afaict, as soon as s4 ended and he actually thought about the past year he went “holy shit that sucked so bad”

my backup title for it was let future historians wonder from, uh, burn from hamilton. yeah, i know. but this fic cares a lot about ... what you do and don't make a matter of public record. choosing to keep some relationships and conversations private. controlling the narrative. parrot ultimately taking himself out of the lifesteal narrative altogether. and on a different level, i joke about feeling like a historian in my approach to unstreamed events and relationships on lifesteal, trying my best to piece together guesses about what happened from a varyingly biased and patchwork record. and it's also fun bc, well--hamilton is also fiction about real people :P

this fic was very much sparked from conversations i had about the most recent spoke video; i mention this in the end notes but i'd like to give extra shoutouts to @void-chara , @myrmica , and @taiey for conversations they had with me about the newest spoke video. this fic might still exist without those but it'd probably be different.

something i've been thinking about a LOT is the way that spoke is deliberately sort of cutting a lot of himself off from the audience? and the way that neither spoke nor parrot streaming means that the NPPP, from dupe war to end of server, gets a lot more privacy (and deliberate, post-hoc control over the narrative and information flow, when they do end up making things public) in their fallout than, say, eclipse did. and spoke himself, from very early s4 until Like A Week Ago, just... does not mention the NPPP in his videos. in his dupe war and wormhole videos he has to edit around its existence, it's not just that he's making videos about other things, it's very much him making a deliberate choice to leave it out. there's a bunch of possible motives you could extrapolate there--i tried to suggest a few different ones in the fic--but it's interesting to me! this is also a big part of uhhhhh why this fic had to be rpf and not something in character on the lifesteal server.

i like the little character note where spoke is really judgy of eclipse in general and zam in specific for the amount that they are emotionally vulnerable on stream. and then is like "wait no shit i'm trying to be a better person". that was one of the first things that popped into my head when i got the idea for this fic

all video view counts are accurate. when possible i tried to check wayback machine for an approximation of how many views they had at the time, since the fic starts in 2023. in general i tried to be as accurate as possible but i'm much less knowledgable in general about anything they do off-server so it's totally possible i got some details wrong lol

it was fun to write spoke and parrot bc they are both so oriented towards content. in different ways admittedly but like. spoke is ALWAYS thinking about views. he cares sooooooo much about the algorithm. and content is the implicit motive for a lot of lifesteal but i don't usually make it as explicit as i do in this fic bc, well, i'm usually not writing rpf! but in this fic the viewpoint character is just. CONSTANTLY thinking about specific view counts, which videos do well, how well they do in comparison to each other, what affects that, and i get to really draw that out. my beta for this fic, @fitmc , wrote me a lifesteal drabble once, formatting, and the author's note of it lives in my mind forever. The posing of himself for the camera. The fact that Lifesteal players are as sweaty about YouTube growth as they are PVP.

parrot on the other hand is oriented towards content in a way where.. a huge part of their conversation where spoke apologizes is that parrot can't quite bring himself to be mad because. it was good content. parrot keeps repeating that, and it's... when you sign up for lifesteal you're signing up for people to fuck you over for good content. that's the job description. he trusted spoke, not only in the way where he trusts spoke's words, but in the way where he trusted spoke to make the apocalypse a good video for parrot. and it was. so in some ways it was only half a betrayal? the unforgivable line for parrot would be if spoke had done that and it wasn't even good content. (extremely normal way to relate to your friend hurting you.) but parrot's...still upset, because it is still a pretty major betrayal of his trust. and so he switches to making content where Doing Fucked Up Mind Games To Your Friends In Real Life is NOT part of the job description. (also a lot of other reasons, the obvious one of which is "pays better and more consistently without a corresponding increase in work". but, yknow, The Way Lifesteal Is is also part of it.)

also writing about the fact that spoke blew up when he was 14 is. well i already knew this but also. Oof. spoke in this fic is NOT thinking about this as horrifying at all, he thinks it's awesome, but i the author think it's kind of horrifying. fame in general scares me & i have a particularly ambivalent fascination towards the sort of fame where your entire life is a story you're telling. if you've read enough of my other stuff you probably already know this. fourteen!!! that's a kid!!! and while he's 18 now as of a few days ago, even this fic starts when he's 16, like....he's so YOUNG. it's fucked.

“of course” is kind of a motif here. at first parrot is the one to say it to spoke but then i had a vision and edited the fic a couple hours after posting so spoke now says it back at the end.

i think this is... kind of weird for rpf? like--don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to claim any sort of superiority over other rpf writers. but it's also very focused on the fiction they are creating and the process of it, and almost entirely disinterested in their general personae or in aspects of their life that...aren't that. what can i say, i have specific demons. but like...most people who have demons primarily about a fiction and don't care as much about the author's life, including me, don't usually write rpf! i'm not sure i would write rpf of anything that wasn't lifesteal, bc my demons are so tied to the fiction, but lifesteal is so weird with c/cc dynamic that ... idk. writing rpf of them felt like what i wanted to do to process my feelings around the story they created together on lifesteal, bc ... the story they created together on lifesteal is in many ways the same as the story of them becoming best friends irl. when spoke goes far enough hurting parrot in lifesteal, he hurts parrot in real life. they're not easily separable. arguably this changes when parrot leaves lifesteal altogether and removes "~ic, as part of the story being told on lifesteal" as an option on the table for their interactions but this only pushes it further towards rpf in terms of resolution for them & therefore also for the story they told on lifesteal. idk! interesting to think about

i wrote this fic in like. 6 hours. and then did a couple edits the next day. total time between "starting the fic" and "publishing the fic" is only barely over 24 hours. i was possessed by the spirit of rpf i think

i haven't actually watched any unstable. i'm sorry.