#now that I think about it it's better for kaz's sensitive heart to learn about it here instead of seeing the event with no context

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

Part of a conversation I'm writing between Coby(trans masc Sonia) and Kazuichi. Hoping to finish this comic very soon.

[patrocool]

i would love to hear about pekka rollins:( torture fic, honey in your ears, spice in your mouth, slaz crack fic, and trying to change!!!

ooooh okay, so!!

pekka rollins:( torture fic is a rewrite of one of my 'verses from band-aids on our bullet wounds (chaps 21, 25, and 31 i think?) that has been expanded a Lot. it is now 15k words with 6/18 planned chapters written entirely. its @randomcat1832's fault that it is now so long. in this fic, kaz was taken by rollins and tortured for six months. he ends up blinded and Very Fucked up and traumatised, the the fic is over the course of roughly a year after being rescued as he slowly heals and becomes himself again. also trans kaz for the win:)

honey in your ears, spice in your mouth is a companion to my sick fic, and i hate myself every day that's dealt that i couldn't comfort you, where kanej have a fight, inej leaves on the wraith, and kaz ends up getting deathly sick, all in kaz's pov. honey in your ears is inej's pov of all of that!!

slaz crack fic is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well. if you know me irl please dont read this. the fic is basically what if,,,, the slat,,,,,, fucked kaz,,,,, and also inej was there

trying to change is a short lil thing inspired by the mother mother song of the same name. it sits unfinished bc i thought it was bad but now reading it, i think it could actually be an interesting start to something. i just,,, dont have a plot for it. but basically, kaz is beating himself up for not immediately becoming Better for inej post-ck

snippets under the cut!

pekka torture:( fic

TW: implied past torture, extreme trauma response, a bit of racism, violence, poor mental state, all around Bad Time, and its in 2nd person!

Most of the townsfolk think Inej is your nurse. You know you should be angry and you think you are, but it feels muted. Distant. As if behind a thick curtain, or perhaps on a separate floor of a house.

(As if you were still in that cellar while your heart was out of your chest, far, far away while Pekka was too damn close–)

You consider using the knife strapped to your arm underneath your sleeve to take a stab at some of the particularly nasty commenters, but it feels more like a learned behavior, a routine you can fall back into rather than an urge in the moment. You think you might be so used to violence that it's become your default, and you hate that you even have to resort to your default when you should be angry. You should be furious–

But you’re not. You’re just numb.

-

honey in your ears, spice in your mouth

Once the letter was in her hands, Specht subtly nodded towards her captain’s quarters. He knew as well as she did that whatever was on that piece of parchment was important– and likely sensitive information.

She didn’t need to be told twice.

She barely even registered Wylan’s wax seal as she cracked it open to Jesper’s familiar scrawl.

It didn’t say much but what it did made her stomach plummet in the worst way.

Wraith,

KB is sick. Raging fever. Called-me-Jordie-again-and-didn’t-seem-to-know-he-was-wrong sort of sick. Don’t know for how long, finding medik.

He keeps mumbling your name.

-J

Within half a bell, the Wraith was heading towards Ketterdam with a vengeance with only the little dinghy sent ahead as a warning.

Tell him I’m on my way, was all she wrote on the return note.

-

slaz crack fic

cw: nsfw lmfao

No one understood Kaz like the Slat did. No one knew what he needed like it did either.

Kaz couldn’t stand the touch of another person, the very thought of skin against his repulsed him, but he was still a man with certain urges and, well. The Slat didn’t exactly have skin, now did it?

-

trying to change

tw: implied parental and child death (kaz's backstory), self hate

“What’s wrong?” She asked, looking him over carefully– he felt her eyes lingering on his still scabbing knuckles and the stiff way his leg was laid out. 

I missed you, he wanted to say. I didn’t have you by my side. I couldn’t do even the one thing you asked of me. I’ve failed you at the very simplest of things, things that Jesper had managed within days of knowing you and yet I still have nightmares about. I can’t do this, I can’t be what you want. I can’t be the man you want me to be– I only know how to be the monster the Barrel made me into.

He turned back to his books. “I’m fine,” he said, stiff as dry wood.

“You’re not,” Inej said, her words cutting through him like a knife.

(Like a plow.)

Kaz swallowed down a lump in his throat and his eyes found the date of the most recent log in his book. He hadn’t changed, and Jordie would never get the chance to. Because that was what it was really about, wasn’t it? That’s what it always was– he couldn’t even just move on with his life. He was forever stuck in this limbo between dead and alive, crumbling under the weight of his dead forever-13-year-old brother.

[parkersbliss]

Fourteen | K. Brekker

pairing: kaz brekker x female reader

warnings: blood, death, angst, torture(?), crooked kingdom spoilers

wc; 2.5K

synopsis: some things are better left unsaid. you learned that the hard way.

prompts: 003: I’ll never love you 010: I just want the pain to stop 017: “Just tell me that you love me! Please…”

a/n: I uh… sorry in advance? I just read a heartbreaking story before this so now there’s this

Masterlist | Taglist | Prompt List

—

Decisions, decisions.

They weren’t easy to make, but they had to be.

It was one or nothing.

Make a choice, or you get neither.

Perhaps, not making a choice is better in this case, but you already know what the decision is.

It’s clear in your mind, and though you don’t want it to be, you’re not naive.

The world was cruel. It didn’t care for mercy.

Mercy was a luxury in Ketterdam. It was a luxury no one could afford.

Most things were unaffordable in Ketterdam, but you stayed anyway. You could leave, could’ve. Past tense. It was too late now.

And yet, you didn’t.

You stayed for the boy in the coat with a troubled past. You stayed for the hope.

Of course, you paid the price now. Mercy was expensive enough, but hope… hope simply didn’t exist. Surviving Ketterdam was a matter of kill or be killed, which is not an exaggeration. Knives are at your throat every day, and if you don’t make the choice to grab them and put them in the enemy's eyes, then you don’t survive to see the next blood bath.

For some people, that might be a relief, but others had unfinished business. The people in Ketterdam were driven by two things: money and revenge.

Both sweet and hard to retrieve, but to some, it was worth it. Every casualty was worth it if it meant getting what they wanted.

“Be ruthless, and don’t let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do.”

Even now, you could still hear his voice in your head. At the time, it was good advice. You hadn’t expected it to be used against you.

“You should have no attachment to anything, and especially anyone. You have to be willing to let them go.”

That should’ve been the first sign. You had regarded his words with a grain of salt. You didn’t realize the meaning behind them because you thought he could learn to grow out of it. He didn’t really mean that.

Everyone says things they don’t mean in an attempt to seem stronger.

Everyone was lying.

Lies, lies, lies.

Oh, how everyone lied.

Just like how Kaz lied. He did that a lot, but never in a way that would hurt any of his crows. At least, you had thought.

“It’s a simple plan,” Kaz said, laying out the blueprints on the table. “Jesper, you will come in from this entrance, Inej and (Y/N), the roof, and I will come through the back.”

It was just the three of you.

Matthias… you didn’t speak of him. It was too sensitive of a topic. Well, it had been for Nina, at least, but then she left to return home to Ravka.

And there wasn’t a need to not speak of it, but you had all gotten used to it. Some things were better left unsaid.

Wylan was out on business, though he didn’t speak of what. Inej was often gone to traversing the seas. When she returned home, Kaz always planned the biggest heists. She was the best one here.

Jesper was still Jesper, young as ever, but that’s the plus of being Grisha. Most days, he was with Wylan, salvaging what time they had left.

Though it was plenty.

Which left you with Kaz a lot of the time. It wasn’t a bad thing, but spending too much time with someone is dangerous.

But you were drawn to him like that of a moth to the flame. Maybe it was an effort to try and fix his broken parts because you couldn’t fix your own.

You would learn soon enough Kaz didn’t want to be fixed. There was only one person that could do that.

It wasn’t you.

It never would be.

“What about the guards?” Jesper inquired, leaning against the polished wood.

“Two shots is all you’ll need. He doesn’t keep it heavily guarded,” Kaz replied.

“What if there are more?” You asked. “I doubt Black doesn’t have a few personal.”

Kaz glances at you, raising an eyebrow. “There won’t be more,” he spat. “Don’t question me.”

You wince at his tone, mumbling a sorry under your breath and letting your gaze slide to your boots.

“Jesper takes out the guards, I’ll take out any extra, and Inej and (Y/N) will head straight for the safe room. Then, Jesper will stand guard while I keep Black at bay with a deal he can’t refuse. Inej will pull the fire alarm, and then we run.”

“Will we have enough time between here and the exit?” Inej asked, using her finger to trace the space between the safe room and the central doorway. “I don’t think it’ll work, Kaz. You won’t have enough time.”

Kaz doesn’t lash out at her. His eyes linger on her face, drawing all the features he already knows in his mind. He’d memorized them before she left so that he could see her in his dreams. He did not want to forget her.

“You’re right,” He said softly, like a hushed whisper between them. An intimate moment that you shouldn’t be a witness to. “Is there a window nearby?”

“There’s one here.”

“Can you get out that way?”

You don’t bother to call him out when he only asks Inej when it’s the two of you that need to escape.

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll count in my head. You have exactly 130 seconds to get in and out.”

“Understood.”

Kaz nods, satisfied, and rolls up the blueprints and tucks them under his arm. “Be here at midnight, sharp. I’m looking at you, Jesper.”

The said boy winks, “Wouldn’t miss it, boss.”

“You would,” Inej quipped.

“Well, guess you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Jesper.”

“Fine. Midnight sharp.”

Kaz exits the room after that, Inej trailing after him and Jesper swings his revolvers around, instantly drawn to a gambling crowd.

That would occupy him until midnight.

You stand at the empty table, feeling just that. It was lonely.

What used to be six felt more like three, someday two. If you were lucky, four.

“Kaz,” You muttered. “When was the last time you slept?”

He shrugs. “Am I supposed to keep track?”

“Yes.”

He exhales, gripping his desk before meeting your eyes. His face softens. “I don’t know.”

“Kaz-”

He holds a hand up. “I know, I know. Coffee isn’t sufficient enough to keep me awake.”

You raise an eyebrow at him, crossing your arms over your chest. “If you know, why do you still do it?”

“It’s addictive,” he hums.

“Addiction is bad.”

“Is it?” Kaz inquired, grabbing a stack of Kruge off his desk and flipping through it. “Addiction drives us all. It’s the root of every being.”

“So what?” You snorted. “Your addiction is coffee?”

Kaz falls back into his leather seat. “Greed is my addiction. I supposed coffee as well. What’s yours?”

“You,” You breathe out. The answer had slipped from your lips with such ease. You didn't even notice.

Kaz freezes, his pen staggers in the middle of a signature.

“To be like you,” You add for good measure.

“That’s impossible.”

“So is living off coffee.”

“Then it seems we are both at an impasse.”

“It would seem so.”

Kaz’s gaze lingers on you, making your heart pound madly in your chest. “Then let’s come to an agreement.”

“What do you propose?”

“I will attempt to get a good night’s sleep if you try to be yourself.” He sticks his hand out for you to shake. You grab it, making sure it’s quick, but when you try to pull back, Kaz grips it and pulls you towards him.

“And for the record, you are my addiction as well.”

“Me?”

“To be more like you.”

He lets go after that, and you’re unsure if he’s mocking you or if he’s serious.

“Have a goodnight, (Y/N).”

“You too, Kaz.”

Jesper isn’t late. He makes it on time. Courtesy of Kaz grabbing the collar of his shirt and dragging him away from the gambler’s table.

“Do we need to review?” Kaz asked.

You all shake your heads.

“Good because I wasn’t going to.”

Kaz turns sharply on his heels and walks into the Ketterdam night. It’s no different from the day, in fact, the night is more lively. It was better for thieves and mischief. The shadows were in their favor here. The people part for the basted of the barrel; it’s common knowledge to them. They don’t think twice about it; they just move.

It makes for a quick walk to the Mercher’s house.

Jesper takes the front, Kaz the back, and Inej throws you a rope to get onto the roof. Her footsteps are silent as she looks for a way in. She finds a latch on one of the windows and calls you over.

You were always better at picking locks than her. She was better on her feet, and though Kaz tried to teach her, he had gotten fair luckier with you.

In a few clicks, the latch pops open and Inej dives in. You wait for her to clear it before dropping in. You’re not as stealthy as the wraith.

Inej was one of a kind.

You land with a soft thump, both of you waiting five seconds before making any kind of movement. Inej cracks open the door, a stream of light filling the room.

It’s empty. There's nothing except cold, bare walls and a plush rug in the center.

It doesn’t appear to be in use.

Oddly enough, it looks like it’s waiting for someone or something.

Inej taps your shoulder, using your head to gesture to the hallway. You follow after her, staying pressed up against the walls just in case.

But there’s no one; the house is eerily quiet. There are no servants, no guards, and no wife or children. You didn’t know much about Black, other than the fact that he was a wealthy merchant. He mostly kept to himself. Sometimes you’d see him at The Crow Club. He was a cold and calculated man, every move he made was planned out ten in advance.

You could tell by the way he played his cards.

“It should be right about here,” Inej said, opening the door.

At the same thing you can hear Kaz’s voice, slight panic evident. “What did you-,”

As you open the door, your legs are being kicked in, and you drop to the floor next to Inej. Two guards from behind you are quick to bound your hands together as you both push against them.

Black tuts, laughing at the fear on Kaz’s face.

Poor Jesper was knocked out on the floor at his feet.

“Did you really think you could outsmart me?” Black asked, “The power is getting to your head.”

Kaz doesn’t say anything, but his nostrils flare in anger.

“Take them,” Black dismissed, clearly speaking to the guards. “Put… Brekker in a room with the girl, not the Suli one. And put the Zemeni boy and her together.”

The guards nod, roughly seizing you all. Inej shouts in protest, trying to hit them, but she’s unsuccessful.

Kaz grunts when they lay his hands on him, but he obeys because he knows it’ll be worse if he doesn’t. They throw you and Kaz into the room you dropped into earlier. They put you back to back, and you know it’s for Kaz because he hisses every time your hand's brush.

You try not to move as much as possible because it pains you each time you hear it.

Black strolls in a moment later, leaning against the door. He wears a satisfied smirk when you and Kaz glare at him.

“Confess.”

“What?” Kaz said with a snarl.

Black holds a knife between two fingers, spinning it. “Confess something. Your deepest, darkest secret, and maybe you’ll make it out with all your limbs. The Suli girl was quick to do so, and naturally, I’m curious what you two have to offer.”

“What did she say?” Kaz asked.

“Well, maybe if yours is just as good, I’ll tell you.”

“What if it’s not interesting?”

Black pretends to think about it for a moment before throwing the knife at you. You scream when it lands itself in your leg.

Kaz flinches, hard, screwing his eyes shut.

“That,” Black taunts. “So, confession time.”

When neither of you says anything, he grabs another knife. It’s only then that you notice their Inej’s. He had at least twelve more.

“I-,” Kaz starts, but he chokes on his words. They never make it out of his mouth and Black raises his dagger.

“I’m in love with Kaz,” You blurt.

The said boy stiffens against you.

Black lowers his dagger. “Now that is juicy.”

“I’ve been in love with him since we were fourteen," You whisper, letting your head fall. It was good to get it off your chest, but you'd prefer to not have a knife sticking out of you when doing so.

“Brekker?” Black inquired. “Reply?”

Kaz doesn’t say anything.

Black rolls his eyes, tossing another knife at you, and a muffled sob leaves your lips.

“I’ll keep going.”

“Kaz, say something, pl-”

Another one, this time your stomach. You cry out, thankful that at least they’re keeping the blood from rushing out.

“These things are so fun,” Black said. “Where ever did she get them?”

More knives are thrown your way each minute Kaz doesn’t say anything. You feel like a pin doll, except alive and with knives sticking out of you.

Many knives because Kaz couldn’t open his damn mouth.

“I just want the pain to stop,” You sob, unknowingly letting your head fall on his shoulder. You’re exhausted, your body is exhausted as it fights the intrusion. It’s a losing battle. “Kaz, please.”

“I can’t.”

“Just tell me that you love me, please!” You’re begging at this point. You just want to hear those words, even when you know they aren’t true. You knew they weren’t true the moment the third knife landed itself.

“Give the girl what she wants, Brekker. Or the other one gets it.”

“I’ll never love you,” Kaz said, milliseconds after Black had threatened Inej. Somehow, that hurts more than the fourteen knives sticking out of you.

“Don’t touch her,” Kaz shouts when Black backs out of the room.

“You love her, don’t you?”

“Yes!”

Black smiles. “Well, today is your lucky day. That was her confession as well. Since you two are so cute together, I’ll let you leave. All limbs intact.”

“What?” Kaz asked.

Black walks over to you, grabbing the knife from your stomach and pulling it out roughly as you cry.

“Oh yes,” He said, “You two - three - I forgot about the Zemeni boy,” He cuts Kaz’s ties. He’s quick to be on his feet and away from the contact.

“You can leave, you can live out the rest of your lives happily.”

“Three?”

Blood rushes from your open wound. He had nicked an artery when drawing it out. You were somehow thankful for that because at least death came quicker.

It came in fourteen agonizing seconds.

It came knowing that Kaz never loved you. He never cared. And he would sacrifice anything and anyone for Inej.

You were just the first.

Addiction will kill you. You just proved it right.

“My bad,” Black apologizes. “You and the Suli girl can love each other for as long as the saints may deem, but just know, you made that choice.”

“I didn’t choose anything.”

“You did, Brekker. I’ll leave the guilty conscience to you, Dirtyhands.”

The name stings Kaz more than it usually did.

“You chose Inej,” Black said simply. “And you’ll pay the price. And do send me an invite to the wedding.”

Black is gone before Kaz can do anything, and when he looks to you.

You’re already dead.

And he wonders what the lasts words you heard were.

If it was up to him, he would’ve said: I love you too.

— END —

🏷 Kaz taglist: @kaqua

want to be added? click here!

[sharknadoslutt]

Not that I ever wanted to watch it because of the era it plays in, but what was so awful about Star Wars resistance?

Oh Okay this ask got me GOING so Welcome to my Tedtalk on my feelings on Star Wars Resistance; a story of Disappointment.

So Mr. Dave Filoni, the story telling Prince, left the show like halfway through production of the first season for other projects (For TCW season 7 and The Mandalorian). This left what was a promising show with characters Dave himself had created, in the hands of very inexperienced story board artist and writers. Personally, I think they panicked and half assed it so that Disney could make money on toys. Because.. idk. It just doesn't even come close to the emotional story arcs that TCW and Rebels gave us. and that's what Star Wars is supposed to be about. Changing for the better. Hope or some shit, am I right?

What was most disappointing in my opinion.. is that the protagonist, Kazudo Xiono, is UNBEARABLE. He is the EMBODIEMENT of privilege. This punk has had everything handed down to him from the moment he was born. He was born like 14 years after the Empire has been brought down and the New Republic reigns, so he has never known war. AND HIS DADDY IS THE SENATOR OF HOSNIAN PRIME FOR FUCKS SAKE! THE CAPITOL????? WHERE THE SENATE IS???? YOU KNOW HOW RICH THAT MUST MAKE HIs FaMiLY??? His dad literally gives him an allowance even though he is a grown ass man in the military when the show starts.

To put things into perspective for those not up to date on Sequel Era Lore and I envy you greatly tbh bcs not to be that person i do not like the sequels that's the equivalent of being the Senator of Coruscant in the Prequels!!!!

Not to mention he is a BUMBLING idiot. Like. This man has ADHD on steroids. As a person with ADHD it's.. lord, it's cringe. He is clumsy. He is loud. He says inappropriate things at the wrong time. He doesn't know how to do anything for himself. AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPY FOR THE RESISTANCE UNDER COVER AS A MECHANIC???? HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT MECHANICS and really doesn't really learn anything about it by the time the show ends. And don't come at me saying this is a kids show so I cant complain about things being silly bcs I'm not the target audience. I can and I will bcs no one was NEARLY this obnoxious in TCW or Rebels. Kaz is Jarjar Level, but I ACTUALLY LIKE JARJAR!

DUDE IS A DAMN SPY HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE GO BY AN ALLIAS!!! HE DEADASS USES HIS REAL FULL NAME. BCS KAZ IS AN IDIOT.

I'm not saying he isn't a good person. Kaz is very sweet tbh. He's just an unknowing spoiled ass man-child who NEVER REALLY DEVELOPS INTO ANYTHING ELSE?????

It would be okay if he entered the show like this and exited a more mature, capable man. But he really doesn't. There are never any consequences for his actions. Ever. Other than when he becomes a spy and, again, IS USING HIS REAL LEGAL NAME as a spy for the Resistance... to avoid a scandal and to scold him for LITERALLY DESERTING THE NAVY his daddy cuts him off from his allowance. So instead of half assing his cover job as a mechanic, Kaz has to actually apply himself so he can make money for food. He doesn't improve much. His co-workers (Who are MUCH more interesting than him) constantly complain about him messing things up and making their jobs more difficult.

Man, FUCK KAZ. MY HOMIES HATE KAZ. BEING HOT CAN ONLY GET YOU SO FAR!!!!!

At the Season one finale there is a moment where you think he is finally going to grow as a man! Grow into the protagonist we deserve! Tragedy, for the first time in his life, strikes Kaz! It's during the events of episode 7, when The First Order blows up Hosnian Prime. His home planet. Where his FATHER LIVES. He has a moment of humanity and he is devastated. He almost cries. But he sucks it up to finish the mission and get his friends off base for their safety. He is a man now. and the audience feels a sense of comradery for Kaz. After all, Star Wars is about Fathers. Kaz has lost his father forever. His father was KILLED by the First Order. He now, first hand, has experienced real loss for the first time and this is going to help him grow and toughen up. he has to live on his own now. Our hero has a reason to be doing what he's doing. Fighting against the first order.

BUT NAH. FAM. then the very next fucking EPISODE YOU FIND OUT HIS DAD IS FUCKING ALIVE AND THAT HE DIDNT ACTUALLY EXPEIRENCE THE LOSS THAT HE HAD THOUGHT, AND HE GOES RIGHT BACK TO BEING HIS GOOFY ASS CHILDISH SELF. NO. I HATED THAT. THERE WAS NO REASON FOR GROWTH. MAN FUCK RESISTANCE.

FUCK. IF ANYONE DESERVED THEIR FATHER TO LIVE THROUGH A DAMN PLANETORY DESTRUCTION IT WAS MY GIRL LEIA, NOT FUCKING KAZUDO THE CLOWN XIONO. FUCK. guys I'm sorry I just really hate this god damn character.

Like. Lemme break it down, folks.

TCW started and Ahsoka enters. I HATED Ahsoka for a long time. Bcs she was young, cocky and annoying. But that was on purpose. Narratively, she experiences loss, she experiences pain and GROws as a character while navigating her Jedi life during the war. Our girl grows into the capable protagonist that we EXPECT out of a Star Wars story.

Same for Rebels. We meet Ezra, and he's not quite as annoying as Ahsoka was at first in my opinion (I cannot stress how much I did not care for Ahsoka yall) but he was young. He was childish. But he was more capable at 14 than fucking Kaz was at 20. By the end of Rebels, not only is he more wise and capable, but he is selfless. He has found his own path and it's only because of what he has gone through. His journey has made him stronger. Ezra is my favorite Star Wars journey, if I'm being honest. He is the perfect example of character development.

KAZUDO XIONO ENTERS SEASON ONE AS A 20 YEAR OLD MAN-CHILD USING DADDY'S MONEY WHO IS LOUD AND DOESNT KNOW WHEN THE STFU... AND EXITS THE FINALE... AS A LOUD MAN-CHILD WHO CAN NOW USE TOOLS. He doesn't' experience REAL FAMILIAL loss. He doesn't really experience a lot of character development at all. Things just happen around him, he helps, but he doesn't learn. He doesn't grow. I fucking hate that.

Literally every single character in the show BESIDEs Kaz is more interesting than him. and EXPEIRENCE CHARACTER GROWTH!!!

Jarek Yeager, Kaz's boss in the mechanic shop, was in the Rebellion and LOST HIS FAMILY. He is a sexy ass man too. HE starts the show not wanting to help the Resistance at all bcs he's experienced loss since his days in the Rebellion, and his heart is hard and he's comfortable. By the end of the show he is risking not just his career, but his VERY LIFE to help the Resistance.

Tam Ryvora, Kaz's co-worker. Daughter figure to Yeager and a total bad ass woman of color. She is the one on the show who experiences the most character development and struggles to find her identity while the First Order is taking over the galaxy. I LOVE her.

There are these 2 kids who are force sensitive and orphaned after Kylo Ren comits GENOCIDE on their planet. This arc set up is never fully addressed nor does it have a conclusion, like most story arcs on this show tbh.

There's a literal witch for some reason??

There's this fucking rad ass sexy Mirilian Pirate girl named Synara who FOR SOME REASON is suggested to be Kaz's love interest. Gross. Girl, you gay. Move in.

I could go on and on and on. But I wont. Fuck this show. Fuck Kaz. It literally adds NOTHING to the bigger Star Wars lore. TCW and Rebels do this beautifully and this show is a hot mess of ideas and characters that never come to a satisfying story telling conclusion.

Thanks for coming to my tedtalk, dont watch Resistance.

[you-are-my-neverland]

Book Recommendations (1)

Lost in the Sun by Lisa Graff

Summary:  “ Everyone says that middle school is awful, but Trent knows nothing could be worse than the year he had in fifth grade, when a freak accident on Cedar Lake left one kid dead, and Trent with a brain full of terrible thoughts he can't get rid of. Trent wants middle school to be a fresh start, if only he could make that happen. It isn’t until Trent gets caught up in the whirlwind that is Fallon Little—the girl with the mysterious scar across her face—that things begin to change. Because fresh starts aren’t always easy. Even in baseball, when a fly ball gets lost in the sun, you have to remember to shift your position to find it.”

Personal thoughts: It’s definitely a book geared to more younger audiences, but I think it’s a good read for all ages. I actually haven’t read it in a while, but Trent is a character I think lots of people can relate to. He struggles with anger and rage; emotions he has no idea what to do with. Fallon is a quirky character that you can never quite get a hold of, and she makes for a spectacular story. 

Starfish by Akemi Dawn Bowman

Summary:  “ A half-Japanese teen grapples with social anxiety and her narcissist mother in the wake of a crushing rejection from art school in this debut novel. Kiko has always struggled with saying what she’s thinking, and an overbearing mother makes things even harder. Her one hope and dream is Prism, a fancy art school. But then Kiko doesn’t get into Prism, at the same time her abusive uncle moves back in with her family. So when she receives an invitation from her childhood friend to leave her small town and tour art schools on the west coast, Kiko jumps at the opportunity in spite of the anxieties and fears that attempt to hold her back. And now that she is finally free to be her own person outside the constricting walls of her home life, Kiko learns life-changing truths about herself, her past, and how to be brave.”

Personal thoughts: ‘Starfish’ is a book that touches on a lot of sensitive issues, such as emotional and verbal abuse, presumed sexual assault (my memory isn’t that clear on what exactly happened so djkadhf), and Kiko herself is a very complex character. She’s a survivor who has to face every survivor’s worst fear; the abuser returning. Art is her only escape, but when that too fails, she feels like she’s spiraling. On many levels, she’s a character so many people can connect to, and the story really shows the reality of life. 

Turtles All the Way Down by John Greene

Summary:  “ Sixteen-year-old Aza never intended to pursue the mystery of fugitive billionaire Russell Pickett, but there’s a hundred-thousand-dollar reward at stake and her Best and Most Fearless Friend, Daisy, is eager to investigate. So together, they navigate the short distance and broad divides that separate them from Russell Pickett’s son, Davis. Aza is trying. She is trying to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student, and maybe even a good detective, while also living within the ever-tightening spiral of her own thoughts.”

Personal thoughts: You’ve probably either read or heard of this book, but if you haven’t yet, this is a definite book you should read. Aza is really an intriguing character, and one of the things I like about her is that she doesn’t really get a happy ending. The book is her trying (and sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing) to find a way to cope with her disorder. It’s a really deep book (lots and lots of good quality quotes). It’s not supposed to be a positive or negative book; it shows the real struggles of dealing with mental illnesses and trying to balance your normal life along with it.

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

Summary:  “Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price–and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can’t pull it off alone…A convict with a thirst for revenge. A sharpshooter who can’t walk away from a wager. A runaway with a privileged past. A spy known as the Wraith. A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums. A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes. Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Kaz’s crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don’t kill each other first.”

Personal thoughts: This book is genius. It’s part of a duo-logy, and is set in the same universe as the author’s Grisha trilogy. In my opinion, you don’t have to read the Grisha trilogy (I didn’t), though it would probably be helpful. You’re able to figure things out pretty quickly though. I’m serious about this book being spectacular though; it’s one of those books where the main character is so clever that you wonder how the author possibly wrote them. Kaz is a trickster and a conman, and makes the book filled with twists and turns that leave you shocked. The other five main characters will grab your heart just as much though; wily and clever and heart wrenching with every page and every new thing you learn. It leaves you holding your breath-but don’t hold it for too long, because there is a sequel, Crooked Kingdom (I...sobbed).

The Cruel Prince by Holly Black

Summary:   “Jude was seven when her parents were murdered and she and her two sisters were stolen away to live in the treacherous High Court of Faerie. Ten years later, Jude wants nothing more than to belong there, despite her mortality. But many of the fey despise humans. Especially Prince Cardan, the youngest and wickedest son of the High King. To win a place at the Court, she must defy him–and face the consequences. As Jude becomes more deeply embroiled in palace intrigues and deceptions, she discovers her own capacity for trickery and bloodshed. But as betrayal threatens to drown the Courts of Faerie in violence, Jude will need to risk her life in a dangerous alliance to save her sisters, and Faerie itself.”

Personal thoughts: For once, we meet a main character as twisted and cutthroat as the ‘villain’-who also happens to be the love interest, if you can call them that. Jude is vicious and bitter after surviving for years as a human in Faerie. The Fey are cruel, tricky, deceptive, especially towards her. This whole book was just awesome, really, but in a dark way. Jude goes past just trying to save herself; and in turn endangers so many people.

The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvator

Summary:   “An unlikely group stumbles across ancient magic in Virginia: Blue, the daughter of the town psychic in Henrietta, Virginia, who has been told for as long as she can remember that if she ever kisses her true love, he will die. Gansey, who seeks the Welsh magic he believes saved his life. Adam, who searches for a way out of the circumstances he was born into. Ronan, who seeks to recover the magic of his childhood.”

Personal thoughts: Another series I give my heart too. The first book in The Raven Cycle series, this book is rich with mythology set in a realistic world. Rich boys with backstories, headstrong girl with physic abilities, ley lines-what could go wrong? It’s a story about youth, mystery, romance, friendship, fantasy-a little bit of everything thrown in between. Each character is unique, from your perfect rich boy Gansey to scholarly Adam, cold Ronan and spunky Blue. Even if the book doesn’t sound exciting, I can guarantee that you’ll probably be completely absorbed in one way or another. 

Conviction by Kelly Loy Gilbert

Summary:   “Ten years ago, God gave Braden a sign, a promise that his family wouldn’t fall apart the way he feared. But Braden got it wrong: his older brother, Trey, has been estranged from the family for almost as long, and his father, the only parent Braden has ever known, has been accused of murder. The arrest of Braden’s father, a well-known Christian radio host, has sparked national media attention. His fate lies in his son’s hands; Braden is the key witness in the upcoming trial. Braden has always measured himself through baseball. Now the rules of the sport that has always been Braden’s saving grace are blurred in ways he never realized, and the prospect of playing against Alex Reyes, the nephew of the police officer his father is accused of killing, is haunting his every pitch. Braden faces an impossible choice, one that will define him for the rest of his life, in this brutally honest debut novel about family, faith, and the ultimate test of conviction.”

Personal thoughts: Honestly, this is a book I can reread over and over again. Maybe because it’s a book that focuses on Braden’s faith and his struggle as one of the main topics, but it really pulled me in. I practically devoured this whole book in one day. Braden really struggles internally on what is the right thing to do, as well as externally when his brother, Trey, returns to be his guardian. It focuses a lot on their brotherly relationship-in which of them have two very different perspectives of what their lives have been like-some romance, but mostly it’s a book about Braden himself. When the line between right and wrong is blurred, what path do you choose?

[tanadidreamer]

Pretending

Notes: Rhys and Kayla belong to the wonderful @outcastcommander and this is a continuation of Come Back!

(((((((((()))))))))))))))

Jax’s good eye drifted open as he felt a familiar presence enter the makeshift medical tent to see Kayla moving towards him, which caused the teen to roll over onto his side with his back facing the older girl as he closed his eyes and pretend to be asleep.

“I know you’re awake, Jax.” Kayla said as she sat beside the cot. “What’s wrong? More migraines?”.

“Like you care!” Jax muttered as he glared at the tent wall. “I’m not an idiot, okay? Jordan was right, you just used me! Just like everybody else!”.

“Jax…..”.

Jax sat up and turned on her. “You abandoned me there, Kayla! For what, huh? A good meal and a warm bed? Some shiny coins?” Jax demanded as he attempted to shove her away, which just lead to him falling against her and tears brimmed his good eye.

“I…..I couldn’t be anywhere near my mother.” Kayla answered quietly as she actually hugged him as Jax noticed something off about her presence, there was somebody else here aside from Bralor, who was quietly observing from where he had been going over some paperwork. “I...It wasn’t safe, not for the….the baby.”.

“You’re……” Jax began to say. “That scary blond…..he’s the dad, isn’t he?”.

Kayla nods slightly as she rested her chin on his head. “I didn’t……”.

“You didn’t abandon me?” Jax asked quietly and hopefully as he leaned against her before something dawned on him. “W-what are we going to do? Your mama and my father both want to make you pay! What if they go after the baby to get to you? The Trues are probably going to cast us out too! What are we going to do!?”.

“Hey, shhh, shh, don’t get yourself worked up again.” Kayla muttered. “We’ll figure it out, okay? We always do, yeah?”.

“Like hell, I’ll let Jaster cast you two out.” Bralor said from his corner which startled Kayla and caused her to release Jax and shove him behind her with a snarl. “Relax, kiddo. I’m a neutral party, you two are staying where you are. Even if I have to sedate that farmboy.”.

“How much did you hear?” Kayla snapped back which caused Bralor to smile slightly. “Enough to see that you’re not entirely a coldhearted bitch, my dear.” Bralor answered as he tapped something on his datapad and walked over. “Might I ask how far along you are? What signs have you noticed so far?”.

“Morning sickness.” Kayla answered warily. “My mother was acting strange last time I saw her.”

Bralor hummed thoughtfully at that. “When was that?”.

“About eight weeks ago or so?”.

“I see, and she’s a full-blooded Cathar.” Bralor muttered as he tapped at the datapad. “I’m not going to ask about your, ah, relationship with Rhys. It’s blatantly obvious who’s the father. But I would like you to keep me posted, hybrid species such as yours are known to have various complications.”.

“Speaking from experience?”. “Ingrid Meek is a Zygerrian-Zabrak hybrid, the pregnancy was not easy on her mother at all. Izan Lok ended up losing his wife and child, he was a hybrid like you were but his wife was human, so yeah. Speaking from experience.” Bralor offered them both a soft smile. “But don’t you worry, I’m quite the miracle worker if I do say so myself. You’ll be just fine, kiddo.”.

“He’s not lying.” Jax muttered to his sister as he looked at Bralor warily and felt some weird mix of concern, fondness, and exasperation from the tired doctor. 

“Well, more like very hopeful. But you two can trust me, I did take an oath after all.”.

The two young exiles exchanged wary looks then looked towards the doctor who smiled in return.

(((())))))))

Myles quietly watched as certain warriors glared in his direction which caused him to glare right back at them, damn them and their stupid closeminded behavior. Myles knew his father had his secrets, hell, his mama had her own secrets, that’s how Clan Rau stayed on top of stuff, each member had to have their secrets to keep stuff going. Papa saw potential in Rhys for whatever reason that Myles wasn’t aware, and ancestors knew the old man had a thing with knowing stuff so what did he know about Kayla? Did he see potential in her like he did Rhys?

Then there was the Vizsla heir, that guy…..Myles had never seen somebody so terrified of anybody in his life, Vizsla was utterly convinced they were going to kill him on the spot just for being Force-sensitive.

“Rau!” Myles broke out of his thoughts as Rhys practically roared his surname, which sent a chill up his spine as the older teen moved towards him. Speaking of unexpected behavior.

“Everything alright, Rhys?” Myles asked calmly as he tried to smile at his best friend, only to wince as Rhys glared at him with cold, flat and dark eyes. “Have you lost your kriffing mind, Rau?” Rhys asked as he glared down at the shorter teen. “They’re both Death Watch! Kayla’s already proven she can’t be trusted!”.

“Kayla’s proven that there’s more to her than she seems.” Myles corrected as he raised an eyebrow at Rhys. “You didn’t seem to care what she was when you two were messing around with each other.”.

Without warning, Rhys lashed out by grabbing Myles by his collar and picked him up with ease. “You really need to learn to shut up, Myles.” Rhys snapped as he proceeds to throw Myles to the ground roughly. “Out of all the people I expected to be a Death Watch sympathizer, you’re the last person I expected to be one.”.

“What’s gotten into you? Rhys, I know you love her! And Vizsla, hell, did you see how he reacted to Jaster and Kayla?” Myles snapped back as he quickly stood and glared at the taller teen, as well as shifting his posture to dodge if need be. “He’s more scared of us than hostile!”. 

“I was an idiot to think she could actually change.”.

“How kriffing blind are you, Rhys? She has changed!” Myles pointed at him. “Are you that thickheaded not to see that you did that? She’s Death Watch born, Rhys, survival is a default setting! D’you honestly think she’d choose you over Vizsla?”.

“She….”.

“In all the time we’ve known her, I’ve never seen he that kind and gentle! Even with you!” Myles nod towards where Kaz had taken up camp. “It’s her brother, Rhys. Ancestors know I would do the same if I were in her position, I know you would too!”.

“She tried to kill Jaster!”.

“I’m not changing my mind, Rhys. I honestly don’t know what Papa saw in making you his successor if this is how you’re going to handle this!”.

“Oh, so is that why he’s missing now?”.

Myles tensed at that. “What do you mean by that?” The younger teen asked slowly.

“You heard me.” Rhys answered as he glared at Myles. “Where’s Cedric, Myles? How’d old Montross talk ya into offing your own father?”.

((((())))))

Nico scowled as he dragged Rhys away from Myles, who was being restrained by Alastair and Nina. “Get him out of here.” Nico told the preteen and teenager as he started to back up with Rhys. “Rhys, c’mon, it’s not worth it.”.

“Let go, Nico.” Rhys snapped back.

“He’s thirteen, Rhys. We both known thirteen-year-olds do stupid crud, you need to calm down.” Nico said as he continued to pull Rhys away. “I know you’re hurting but beating the hell out of Myles isn’t going to help, you’ll regret it later on.”.

“Back off, Nico. He started this!” Rhys snapped as he went to elbow Nico who dodged it and kept his grip.

“And I’m ending it, you’re the Cab’alor so start kriffing acting like it!” Nico snapped back as the younglings vanished out of sight. “I know you’re pissed off and hurt, mate, but taking it out on Myles ain’t gonna help. Hell, do you want Madam Rau to kill ya? She’s one scary bitch when she’s want to be, and hurting her kids brings that side out.”.

“Do you think I care? She’d side with me too!”.

“Would she?” Nico asked as he released Rhys and let the younger man turn on him. “Rhys, listen to yourself! That kid looks up to you as a mentor! Clan Rau does shit like this all the time, we may not agree but they always have their…..”.

Without warning, Nico was cut off by a quick, but painful sucker punch that decked him. “Y’know, for somebody who’s supposedly mute, you sure like to talk a lot.” Rhys snipped as he looked down at Nico coldly. “Hell, are you adopted or something? Every Mereel here is against this except you!”. “My uncle….”.

“He’s just making Bralor happy, you know how vicious that man can be.”.

Nico sighed as he sat up and wiped at his nose, duly noting the blood on his hand. “That better?” Nico asked as he went to pick himself up and just looked at Rhys coolly. “Because the first shot was free, next time I’ll return the favor.”.

Nico really had no problems admitting he preferred talking over fighting, but he was no pushover either. Rhys could be like this with anybody else but Nico didn’t appreciate it one bit and he glared at the younger man who snarled at him.

“Listen, I might not like Kayla being here but what about that kid, Rhys? What were we supposed to do? Hand him back over to Tor to become manda knows what?” Nico proceeds to question as he stepped away from Rhys. “So, tell me, Cab’alor, what would Cedric do? You…..”. Nico stepped to the side as Rhys went to punch him again and stook his foot out to send the asshole stumbling a couple of steps. “You really aren’t listening, are you?!” Rhys snapped back. “Kayla….” “Broke your heart and Myles was doing what his daddy would’ve wanted so you tried to beat him up.” Nico chimed in as he frowned at Rhys. “Mate, you are a strange one. The Rhys I thought I knew would’ve probably tried to help calm that kid down, understood why Kayla did what she did, but this? Who are you, Rhys?”.

“I could ask you the same, Nico.” Rhys snapped as he tackled Nico to the ground with a clash of metal and a snarl from both young men.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 73, October 2017

On Monday night, I attended my Body Balance class with Kaz at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. Over the weekend, I’ve been dealing with a number of personal issues which have accumulated to the point of feeling emotionally shutdown. I feel very conflicted in how I want to proceed. The fact that I’ve always been a highly sensitive person who overthinks, doesn’t have a thick skin, gets easily upset and can’t handle criticism from others has lead me to this state of low mood and depression. I feel lonely and confused as to what people think about me.

So tonight is all about releasing these negative thoughts and feelings that no longer serve me and getting back to looking after myself. I feel like I’ve improved heaps especially with the Pilates section. I try to follow on and do the best I can even with my hips and core muscles burning. It just takes a lot of practice and doing what you’re capable of. Never give up.

Tonight we did the following exercises from Release 77: Tai-Chi Warmup (Overhead circles, bow and arrow), Sun Salutations (Forward fold, downward facing dog, plank, crocodile, baby cobra, low lunge, open twist), Standing Strength (Chair pose, tree pose, Warrior 3), Pilates (Table top, Bridge pose with pulses and bicycle, Criss-cross crunches, Side plank elbow to knee), Hamstring Stretches (Wide-legged forward fold, Staff pose) and Relaxation (Japanese Garden guided meditation). http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Tuesday afternoon, I spent some time with my Mum. After picking up my anti-depressants from the GP, Mum and I went to Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre to do some shopping. I could feel myself hitting rock bottom emotionally as things began to spill out of me. I was that depressed and low that I felt physically numb and empty just sitting at the table at Theobroma Chocolate Lounge Cranbourne. You can only keep that fake “everything’s fine” facade on for so long. I’m 31 years old and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

So many things have been affecting me in a negative way like my lack of friends/social life, the relationship with my PT, not having the confidence or self-esteem to stand up for myself, being unable to find my dream career or work out my direction in life. I think that I’ve become way too comfortable living at home with my parents that the prospect of moving out seems overwhelming and unbearable.

On Tuesday night, I attended my Body Combat class with Cinamon Guerin at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It was pretty obvious during tonight’s class that I was struggling to keep up more than usual and I also had to take slightly longer rest breaks from tracks. I honestly wasn’t surprised considering how mentally and emotionally overloaded I’ve been over the last few days so I really need to cut myself some slack. The fact that I was still participating, still working hard, still doing the best I can and still walking out dripping in sweat should be something to celebrate and be proud of.

I had a great chat with Cinamon after the class and really opened up to her about how I’ve been feeling. It really needed to unload everything that’s been weighing me down lately. I’m so glad that Cinamon has a sympathetic and non-judgemental ear and can understand what I’m going through. Some people don’t get mental illness no matter how hard you try to explain it to them and that’s something I just have to accept. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

On Wednesday, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Today was a tremendously difficult day for me after weighing up everyone’s opinions and advice on whether I should stay or should I go? Joel Perryman provided a welcome distraction by doing a brief interview with me about why I started training for UFT PLAYgrounds. I was also reading a chapter on “The Power of Self-Acceptance” from Dr. Russ Harris’ book The Confidence Gap. Kind of appropriate for me right now.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for the difficult conversation that was about to unfold between Luke and myself. It was time to take off the “everything’s fine” mask and get real about what’s been on my mind. I was physically shaking and feeling nauseous just listening to what Luke had to say to me. It was tough hearing those harsh truths it because I can’t seem to handle criticism of any sort. I do take a lot of things to heart, misinterpret things people say to me and get myself upset unnecessarily. I’ve just always been a highly sensitive person and I have to accept that.

Whilst part of me wanted to storm out of there and never return, I decided to do the mature thing, sit with the negative emotions, process what Luke said to me and try to learn and grow from this experience. I’m tired of running away from my problems. At times like these, I think that it’s really important to remember all the positive qualities that Luke possesses (He only wants the best for me. He wants me to improve in all aspects of my physical and mental health. He is friendly, encouraging and motivating). I’m holding onto hope that things will get better.

WARM-UP...I started the session by doing several yoga pose holds including camel pose, lizard pose and cobra pose. This was mentally tough for me as I was still feel like shit about what happened over the last few days. But continuing to beat myself up and calling myself a terrible person is not a productive way of dealing with this. I made mistakes. I took things Luke said to me the wrong way. Does that make me a terrible person? No, I don’t think so.

DEVELOPMENT...Somehow I managed to redeem myself here and explode out of that depressed, miserable mindset that I put myself in. I put the cards on the table and continued to open up to Luke which really helped me feel better. Today I did 5 rounds of 8 reps front squats at 50kg. Instantly my mind protested “Oh shit! Not front squats again. Remember what happened last time?” But I told my brain to shush and pushed myself through it.

I was pleasantly surprised at how well I was doing those front squats today. Despite my left wrist hurting, I still managed to get my technique right: t-rex grip on the bar, elbows and chest lifted, bar sitting on the shoulders. My squat depth was generally pretty good though I did struggle at times and noticed my heels lifted up a bit. But overall I walked away feeling like I did a really good job today. I turned negatives into positives which is exactly what I was hoping for. Things can only go up from here as I continue to get stronger and better.

On Thursday night, I went and saw Blade Runner 2049 at Village Cinemas Fountain Gate. You’d think I’d be used to going to the movies by myself at my age (All by myself, don’t wanna be all by myself anymore...) but evidently I’m not. I did make a few attempts to round up a few friends to come along but they all pretty much failed. It’s always been a huge struggle for me. It’s both frustrating and depressing but the reality is that I can’t control people’s lives or how busy they are or whether they’ll come or not. All I can do is ask.

Still I decided to not dwell on it too much and just focus on enjoying the movie. I’ve been waiting 15 years for this sequel to come out so I’m not going to wait for someone to go with, I’m really not. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing wrong with doing activities by myself at all. It’s just an acceptance thing really. I brought my copy of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? which is very appropriate considering that’s the source material for Blade Runner. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1856101...

On Friday morning, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I felt like I was in a better place today mentally and emotionally since I sorted things out with Luke on Wednesday. I was reading “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff...and It’s All Small Stuff” by Richard Carlson to help facilitate a positive mindset and give myself some gentle reminds before I started my session.

This part in particularly spoke volumes for me...”On the contrary, when you’re in a bad mood, life looks unbearably serious and difficult. You have very little perspective. You take things personally and often misinterpret those around you, as you impute malignant motives into their actions.” (p. 81). Yeah I took things the wrong way with Luke last week and realise now that his critique is not personal, but used to improve my technique, performance and abilities. He’s only trying to help me, not put me down or treat me like shit.

WARM-UP...This morning I started my doing 5 minutes on the balance board and then three rounds of the following: 8 leg curls with the resistance band, 8 single arm kettle bell lifts and 8 “hey boys”. I was struggling a little getting my feet into the resistance band and almost getting myself tangled up in it but I decided to be patient and kind with myself instead of beating myself up like I usually do. I’m only human and overall, I did pretty well with these movements.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did 5 rounds of 8 reps deadlifts at 77kg. As much as I kept trying to bury my frustration, it was continuing to pop up today as it took me many attempts to get my technique, form, movement and pace right. Plus the pain in my lower back and hips was annoying the hell out of me. There was the possibility of me breaking down over this but I told myself that “Take your time Michael. You can do this. I refuse to be defeated. I will not give up.” I took in all the advice and constructive criticism Luke was giving me and eventually I was getting it.

My biggest issue is keeping my shoulders pulled back and not hunching over the bar too much as well as touching the ground softly. But it’s certainly getting there. I may have been really breathless and fatigued by the end of my 5 sets but at least I got it done and gradually felt myself improve once I let go of that internal frustration. Like Luke said to me today, I just need to “relax” more. Easier said than done! Another big positive was my ability to get the plates on and off the bar. It’s getting better and I’m no longer being harsh with myself about how long it’s taking me. Progress is progress no matter how small.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout consisted of doing 3 rounds of the following: 200m row, 20 butterfly situps, 20 Russian twists and 10 hollow rocks. Even during my first round, I knew that the Russian twists were going to be my greatest challenge. I struggling to keep my balance, legs lifted and deal with the pain in my hips and lower back. But giving up never crossed my mind.

Every rep I got through with an achievement for me. That was my approach. Just get it done and I did. Luke recognised that my attitude towards this workout was much more positive compared to last week’s push-ups and I walked away feeling proud of that performance. Sure it was really difficult at times but I didn’t let it defeat me. That’s strength, resilience and determination right there.

On Friday afternoon, Mum and I visited the Dandenong Market. We bought some more flowers (yellow and dyed chrysanthemums), which are very cheap and better quality than the ones in the supermarket. We also bought some Christmas cards and fragrant soaps before having a bite to eat at the Cafe Marketto. The food here is always really good and decently priced. I ordered the Aussie Breakfast which consists of scrambled eggs on toast, mushrooms, spinach leaves and a rasher of bacon.

“Why am I like this? Trying to get my head stronger. My friends fucking hate me. My heart has grown cold and so lately. Everything I touch turns to stone and fades. And I feel a weight has lifted. And I feel the waves crash over me. Don’t lack or feel deflated. I found comfort in being free. Move forward keep your head up. You will find your home. Just don't give into pain. Move forward there. And you will find your home. You'll find your home. You'll find your home.” Reside - Home (2017)