#now if i could get them to acknowledge my other fucked up lesbians

[steddieas-shegoes]

“What the fuck are you wearing?”

Eddie’s voice rang out through Steve’s bedroom.

Steve jumped because, well, he was completely alone in his house less than a minute ago, and now Eddie Munson was standing in his doorway staring at him.

In a skirt.

Not like, a short one. Just one of Robin’s that she let him borrow with no explanation.

She kind of gave him a knowing look, but she didn’t say anything. She probably didn’t want to scare him or make him second guess himself or feel any of the shame he finally buried deep enough to even ask her for it.

It’s just when he first saw it in her closet, he fell in love with it. The way it flowed in just the right spots, how it hit above the hips (or he thought it would if he ever was brave enough to try it on), how the color was the exact shade of blue he always preferred.

And Robin never even wore it.

It was shoved in the back of her closet like a forgotten thing, never to see the light of day because then Robin would have to acknowledge something other than jeans or stupid pleated pants that were apparently “all the rage for lesbians, Steve!”

So he spent months picturing himself in it, touching the soft fabric any time he had to grab something from her closet, practicing asking to borrow it “for a girlfriend.” Practiced telling himself that skirts were only gendered because of society, or whatever bullshit spiel Robin had gone into when they saw a guy getting teased for wearing a dress in Indy.

And he believed it just fine when it came to others. Doesn’t make any man who is a man less of a man and all that.

But for him?

It’s just not allowed.

Until it was.

He was staying the night at Robin’s because they had to close and then open the next morning. She was showing him her new sweater she’d bought for her first date with Nancy that she refused to actually ask Nancy out on. When she opened the closet, he saw the edge of it.

“Can I borrow that?”

Robin looked at him like he’d gained ten heads.

“Borrow what? The sweater? No. This sweater cost more than most of my closet combined. It’s gonna be my magical confidence booster.”

“Not the sweater.” Steve took a deep breath. “The skirt.”

“Uh.”

“I mean. Not for me. Obviously. For someone else.”

Robin raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.

“Uh. Do I know her?”

“Nope.”

“Does she need clothes or something? I can do a closet clean out to help.”

Steve loved Robin. She wasn’t exactly well-off, but she’d literally give the shirt off her back if it meant someone else would have clothes who needed them.

He only felt a little guilty about lying to her.

“No, no. Uh. Just the skirt. She saw one like it the other day and loved it so much. She couldn’t get that one so I think if she can just wear this one once she’ll get it out of her system, ya know?”

If he was talking about himself, that was only for him to know.

But he saw the way Robin was looking at him. She knew. No amount of coverup was going to make her not know. He could only hope she wouldn’t ask questions.

“Sure. She can try it and see if it gets out of her system. She could also keep it if it doesn’t though.”

Steve gulped.

“Really?”

Robin gave him a small smile, encouraging when he felt like he was going to throw up all over her ugly bedroom carpet.

“Yeah. God knows I won’t ever wear it unless I’m being forced to.”

“Okay.” Steve smiled and walked over to the closet. “I…she’s gonna be really excited about this. Thanks, Robs.”

“Anytime Dingus.”

He turned to look at Eddie standing in his doorway, face flush with embarrassment and shame. He didn’t want this to be the end of whatever was going on between him and Eddie.

They were dancing around each other according to Robin and Will and Dustin and Max.

They were being ridiculous according to Nancy and Jonathan and Wayne.

They were being cautious according to Eddie.

They were just taking it slow.

Steve hated it.

But he knew why Eddie wanted to be cautious; Rushing into a relationship built on shared trauma is probably worth taking a little time on.

And even if they have been basically dating for months, it’s totally fine that they haven’t even kissed.

And now they probably never will because Eddie just walked in while he was wearing the skirt.

He loved this skirt. He felt pretty. He loved that when he turned in a circle, it fluttered out just enough to look cute, but not enough to show a bunch of skin. He loved the way the color made his tanned skin just a bit lighter, and he glowed a little in the mirror.

But now he would always think of Eddie leaving him in the dust because of it.

“I just. I. Sorry.”

Steve looked down at his feet, trying to feel for the zipper along the side of the skirt to take it off before he made things worse. His hands were shaking, adrenaline pouring through him so quickly he couldn’t find where the zipper began.

He felt a hand on top of his, holding it firmly to keep it from moving anymore.

“Stevie. Look at me.”

As hard as it was to do it, Steve looked up at Eddie, tears already forming in his eyes.

“You look beautiful. Keep it on, let me see you.”

And even though the words were so kind and made Steve feel so much better, he let the tears fall from his eyes.

Hearing Eddie say it out loud, that he was beautiful and allowed to wear this if it made him feel beautiful, was almost too much for him to handle. His last set of scars had really done a number on his self-confidence, but this skirt had given him hope for the first time in almost a year that he’d feel good in his skin again. Eddie had the power to tear him back down, but of course he hadn’t. He made it better, like he always did.

Eddie pulled his hand away from the skirt, holding it up and twirling him in a circle.

Steve giggled.

When was the last time he did that?

Never, maybe.

Eddie’s smile was contagious as they looked at each other with matching beaming smiles. He was staring at Steve’s face now.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy, sweetheart.” Eddie reached his unoccupied hand out to touch the waistline of the skirt. “I don’t think you know how incredible you look when you’re happy.”

What does a person even do with a compliment like that?

Pass out? Kiss? Die?

Steve settled on kissing Eddie.

It was time to move beyond whatever they’d been doing. Steve couldn’t wait any more.

If Eddie was going to not only accept this part of Steve that Steve had barely even accepted of himself, but also encourage him to feel beautiful, then Steve was going headfirst into this.

Their lips met harshly at first, Steve being a bit overzealous and misjudging how close they already were.

But within seconds, Eddie was slowing it down, placing both hands on Steve’s cheeks to control the pace better. He was licking along Steve’s bottom lip, silently asking for entrance, but not moving and faster or demanding anything more than what Steve wanted.

When they parted for air, Eddie rested his forehead against Steve’s, eyes blinking open slowly.

“You like the skirt?” Steve asked with a smirk.

“I love the person in it. I like whatever he feels best in.”

Steve sat with that for a moment, but recovered quickly.

“You love me?”

“Can’t imagine how you didn’t know, sweetheart.”

“Just didn’t know it was like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like the real kind. The kind where you love someone enough to love the things they love even if you aren’t sure what to do with it.”

“I love you the real kind.”

Eddie was smiling at him when he pulled away and left a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“I love you the most kind.”

“I love you the best kind.”

Steve laughed.

“Can we dance?”

“If you want.”

“I wanna take the skirt for a test drive.”

Eddie settled his hands on Steve’s hips and started humming a song that was definitely not usually for a slow dance, but sounded nice enough for them.

When Eddie spun Steve out and twirled him back into his arms, and his skirt moved in just the right ways, he felt more like himself than he ever had before.

And when Eddie bought him his own skirt from a store in Indy the next time they had a date night, he let himself feel pretty in a way he didn’t think was possible.

[bakugoushotwife]

kinktober day twenty-seven: car sex

>>> no one will read these anyway based off of the reception for nobara, but i wanted to give the ladies some love this time around <3

>>> starring: maki zen'in x curvy!f!reader >>> cw: jealousy, homophobia w the zen'ins, making my own cannon, oral and fingering, car sex, semi-exhibitionism? i don't think so but just in case >>> wc: 1.8k >>> event masterlist:

formal events were the bane of her existence. she hated all the ritualistic steps of looking presentable for a clan celebration, of all things. maki has never been celebrated amongst her clan and she knows they won’t start anytime soon—so why did she have to show up and celebrate them? even worse, why did she have to drag her girlfriend to such an event? she knows half the elders will spend their time whispering about either her supposed powerlessness or her lesbianism, and the other half would be thinking about it all night long. she hated having to subject you to such nonsense, but her mother insisted–and she knew she’d never hear the end of it from her if she didn’t just suck it up and go. 

so here the two of you are, shoved into the zen’in family banquet hall in a tight fit. maki was absolutely uncomfortable, forced to mingle with people she can’t stand while trying to keep a possessive hold on you. despite the controversial relationship, she wouldn’t let it be lost on anyone. you weren’t here as a plus one or just a friend, you were here as maki’s partner and she wasn’t shy about it. they hate her already, she couldn’t give less of a fuck. her anger will make her the perfect protector too, she won’t allow them to say anything offbeat to you or their reckoning may come early. 

she also hated formal wear. it was impractical and stuffy, and she didn’t like being painted up to the nines, either. at least you looked amazing. you might be enough to make her rethink all her earlier opinions. seeing you tucked into a gorgeous kimono was definitely a lifeline to get her through the night—naobito’s birthday celebrations could perhaps pass harmlessly by with nothing more than the memories of how good you look. the silk highlights your body for days, tight around your chest and flowing down your legs. whereas maki feels completely out of place with rouge and lipstick on he skin, somehow it makes you look even more elegant and graceful. you’re flawless, evidence that maki is indeed good enough to deserve happiness. she keeps your hand in hers for the better part of the evening, fake smiling to some clan members while she keeps her scowl for others, you couldn’t quite find a rhyme or reason to her reactions. it isn’t until she’s pulled away by her sister that you’re able to understand. 

of course you were familiar with the atrocities of the zen’in, and it made you more than just a little uncomfortable to be surrounded by them, but with maki by your side, you knew that no harm would possibly come to you. but with her gone, well. now you’re left wide open. 

they don’t waste any time, a wall of zen’in has formed around you with various men bidding for your attention by offering you drinks and compliments, swearing that a zen’in man could give you a much better time than any woman—but especially one as weak and powerless as maki. their sentiment makes you snarl, but you don’t know how far maki is—meaning you don’t know how crude you can be with all these disgustingly vile creatures. 

“weak? naobito’s birthday or no—we can test that theory.” her sharp voice cuts through the cacophony of others. the men are quieted instantly, and you feel yourself smirk. they start rattling off excuses as to why there should be no fighting here tonight—but you hear the real reason: they’re afraid. 

maki has always been far more powerful than they deign to acknowledge. she’s a talented fighter, and you knew most of these old fuckers would be dead to rights if she really wanted to cause a scene. her presence is scary enough, brows set with a menacing look in her eye. she stares above their heads, making eye contact with you. 

“come. i think it’s time we left, dear.” she extends her hand for you to take, holding the stare of the disgusting old men that came to hit on her girlfriend the moment she stepped away. you skip forward to take her hand, almost giddy at her demeanor as she squeezes your palm in hers. you knew that she was pissed. she was mad when she woke up this morning and remembered this stupid fucking party was today, but now she’s irate. everything she thought would happen, did, and she didn’t feel like subjecting you to any more ogling eyes. she starts to drag you both towards the door, hoping that the hour and a half she had managed to occupy the same space as her family would please her mother enough. not that she quite cared anyway, hearing your little giggles of excitement told her that you knew exactly how she would remedy her bad mood. 

maki has a track record of jealousy, and you knew this time was no exception. this time may be the worst of them all, your girlfriend’s grip on your hand tightening as the driver brings the car around. her mind was racing with the harassments from the crowd, different cousins and uncles offering to show her girlfriend a good time after the party. tch, she didn’t have to wait. she would have you now, the windows of the car are tinted anyway. she opens the backseat of the spacious suv, jutting her chin out to the backseat. 

your feel your face heat up as you obey her, crawling into the back on your hands and knees. maki turns to give the chauffeur a tip, patting his knowing shoulder. she doesn’t much care if people know what she’s about to do to you in this car. in fact, she hopes rumors spread about it. the windows being tinted was all she cared about—no one would get to see her pretty little girlfriend’s faces of pleasure but her. she steps into the car after you and pulls the door closed behind her. she’s thankful for the air conditioning and radio humming lowly in the background, your noses pressed together for a brief moment as she adjusts your seat, pushing you back and ensuring she has enough space in the floorboard. 

you giggle a little, parting your thighs to give her room to sit between. she slinks between them easily, resting her hands on your knees as she peers over her lenses. you lick your lips in anticipation, seeing that anger in her eyes. 

“worked up, babe?” you tease just a little, resting your hand on her head. she raises a brow at you, quietly warning you to watch your attitude. you grin a little, knowing you could push her to her limits after the night that you’ve had—but you’d be the one to reap the consequences. so you lean back against the seat a bit, easing your cunt closer. she looks down at your middle at the movement, but she nods. 

“yeah. i’m a bit worked up.” she groans, bunching your silken skirt up by your thighs. her mouth salivates the closer she leans to the apex of your thighs. she catches your scent, grinning at the arousal already leaking down your legs. “they’re all just dying for a chance at you, hm?” 

you roll your eyes with a satisfied little grin, shaking your head at her. you pull your skirt up some more for her, but you know not to worry about anything further or you’ll further irritate your already ticked off and overzealous girlfriend. “just too scared of you to come around.” you decide to stroke her ego instead. 

she scoffs a little, amusement sparkling in the vast darkness of her emerald eyes. her fingers stroke over the center of your panties, and she hums approvingly at the dampness she can feel beneath. her lips tilt into a smirk, “and you like that?” 

“i love that.” you purr, scratching her scalp a little bit. she smiles softly and pushes the flimsy fabric keeping your cunt from her to the side. she gives you a breathy chuckle, watching the strings of your arousal stick to your panties as she peels them away, she’s enamored. 

“and i love that sloppy pussy, pretty girl.” she whispers, letting her fingers spread your lips apart. you take your lip in between your teeth in anticipation. she lets her slender thumb drag figure eights along your clit, face focused on your hardening tits and shifting face. you’ve always been so sensitive, it’s one of maki’s favorite things about you—how you jerk into her hand as she’s barely touched you, little moans coming from your pursed lips as the sounds of tires squealing outside overtake the music in the car. maki grins—you’re holding up the line, leaving the other zen’in’s no choice but to pull around maki’s signature suv. she chuckles a bit as she leans in, attaching her pink lips to yours, letting her fingers work their magic over your bundle. 

your body drowns in warmth, looking down at your sexy and strong girlfriend giving you head never got old. she always knew how to get you going, possessively shoving you in the back of her car was on the list. you grip at her hair as the pressure from her fingers intensifies, tongue slipping past your lips and straight into the hole—and she moans at the taste of you. your head rolls against the rest behind you, hands weaved into green locks in an effort to grind yourself down on her tongue inside you without moving her fingers. one of her hands pushes your thigh away, keeping you from breaking yet another pair of her glasses. 

she works in perfect time, knowing exactly how to send you over the edge without much work at all. she knows no man could tend to you so easily—making you cum like it was chewing gum or breathing. that’s why only she gets to wear the remnants on her face. you buck into her mouth, whines going high pitched. she taps your thigh, giving you express permission to cum on her face. 

you whimper, the affection in her eyes was enough to send you toppling over the edge. your hips shake, the dam breaking in your gut—your release covers your girlfriend’s tongue as she curls it inside, gathering all the taste of you that she could with a few animalistic moans as she sucks you clean. 

she pants a little as she pulls away from your cunt, tucking your panties back over the mess with a little smile of arrogance. “did that make you feel better, sweetheart?” she asks, pulling your skirt back down as she leans up toward your face. you bend down to meet her, she was still on her knees after all. 

you chuckle, giving her a soft kiss. “i meant to ask you that.” 

[pillarsalt]

hi um

I was? transmasc but recently I’ve been seeing a lot of really misogynistic sexist transphobic stuff from trans community and it’s just been totally accepted, even by other transmascs. It’s been going on for a while but recently there was a murder of a nonbinary afab person and yet the whole trans community here has been silent, instead screaming about a transfem user being banned or something? This isn’t the first time an afab trans persons suffering has been dismissed, but now right after this awful death, i see transfems making posts about how transmascs talking about their oppression are terfs.

I didn’t want to think about it but all i could think about was that it was weird how despite everyone claiming trans men have all this privilege, trans women always come first…they get the most representation, they get the fame the admiration and the opportunities, their voices are always the loudest and their problems always always come first no matter what.

But despite popular belief trans men’s issues aren’t actually less significant, in some cases we suffer far more than trans women especially in regard to sexual violence. Yet we are silenced. We are frequently left poor, we are discriminated against for our sex we are discriminated against for being trans we are discriminated against for being perceived as lesbians. Yet we are made to be silent?

Why are our voices less important than trans women’s?

And all I could think about was that this is how females are treated in every other area.

I don’t know what else to say… I tried so hard not to reach that conclusion because I don’t want to be transmysogynist but I kept coming back to it and I couldn’t find an argument against it. This is how females are treated. This is what male privilege look like. And if trans women have male privilege, then why the fuck am I sitting here letting them talk over me?

I just feel really really angry. Your a blog who I liked your art but I blocked you when I discovered you were a radfem, but I sort of had you in the back of my mind for some reason and now I feel lost and confused, and I don’t think I want to be part of the trans community anymore.

Hey anon, firstly I really appreciate your willingness to have an open discussion with me. This must be weighing on you pretty heavily.

Secondly, holy shit, you're right. While the entire website is treating this user's ban as a national travesty, I haven't seen a single person talking about Nex's murder despite how much they claim to care about trans people. That's really fucking low, and this situation does very much encapsulate the state of misogyny within the trans community.

And you're right, this IS how females are treated in every other area. Throughout history, the suffering and injustice women face is minimized, laughed at, ignored, and when we want to talk about it, we're shut down and told we're making people uncomfortable and our pain isn't that bad. And here we are again, with a female person's death outweighed by a male person's inconvenience.

The denial of sex-based oppression that permeates trans spaces is a blatant lie that can only be held together if nobody is allowed to acknowledge it, and those who do are punished. If the trans community truly stood behind what they say, discussion would be encouraged! The foundation of their movement would be backed up with facts and replicable science! But instead, they'll call you a bigot for pointing out systems of oppression you can see with your own eyes. Because if you do, transwomen's position as Most Oppressed, and therefore the final authority on what's right and wrong, collapses. You are correct when you say that it seems like transwomen always come first; I don't remember who said it first, but just look at magazine covers featuring trans people -- the transwomen are fully clothed CEOs, athletes, movie stars, but transmen mostly get on magazine covers for... being pregnant and half naked. Misogyny is built into every society on earth, and individuals simply calling themselves something else doesn't change that. And when you give male people free reign to be as misogynistic as they want without consequence, they'll grab that opportunity and hold on like their lives depend on it. The way they weaponize transmen's sex against them is indistinguishable from what 'cis' men do to 'cis' women, but if you ever speak out about it, somehow YOU'RE the one hurting THEM. They do not want transmascs to find solidarity with other female people, because then they would have to face the reality of their own place in a patriarchal world, and face the fact that there are experiences exclusive to female people and that we have the right to speak about it. I mean you see shit like this and the motives become completely transparent:

I do find it funny how hard the trans community and their allies work to prevent anyone from hearing what radfems have to say in case they "corrupt" you with mere words. A lot of the time, it's simply listening to transwomen themselves that sparks the feeling of "something's not right here" in your brain. That's what happened with me too. I'll tell you that most of us also used to be proponents of trans activism, many formerly identifying as trans too. You are seeing through manipulation, and I know it's quite shocking to realize. Even when I first started having doubts about trans rhetoric, I thought "well everyone else agrees about this, so I need to shut up and be nice about it even if I don't agree." It's an unpleasant place to be in. The cognitive dissonance is exhausting though, and it becomes impossible to ignore.

The mistreatment of transmasc people in the trans community by transfems is brutal, and It's hard to watch from the outside because I just want to say "Hey, you know you don't have to take this shit, right?" And you really don't. You are not at all a bad person for recognizing the frankly absurd amount of misogyny in the trans community. Feeling lost and confused is shitty, but it's normal for this situation. The best thing you can do is keep observing, keep reading, form your own opinions, and never let anyone tell you to shut up. Above all, prioritize yourself and your mental wellbeing. If you need to remove yourself from gender-related spaces and discussion for a while, that's totally alright. Just know you're not evil or a bigot for not blindly agreeing with everything the trans community has told you. Your opinions and experiences are worthwhile too.

[rdng1230]

Sal Deluca Meta

Okie dokie here we go. Just remember y'all asked for this.

Here are some repeated talking points I’ve seen about Sal and why I think most of them are ignoring certain contexts or misattributing things to Sal that were said/done by somebody else. Also just general thoughts about our little mook.

Hen Begins

That Sal was a raging racist/sexist/homophobic. 

Let’s deal with the first one first. Is he a member of the white boys club? Absolutely. He makes no effort to include Hen and doesn’t really acknowledge her at all until he’s complimenting her for her skills at the end of the episode. This is OBVIOUSLY not good. He should’ve been kinder and more welcoming to her. But the only one who specifically makes negative/mean comments about Hen is Gerrard and Tommy. Literally the only thing you could even interpret that way is him saying “for real?” to Gerrard’s diversity hire comment and the fact that he drops the pick axe or whatever the hell that metal thing was on the floor along with everybody else besides Chim. Not great, but also with what we know about how other rookies are treated even by Hen herself, I don’t think any of this behavior falls into “irredeemable racist monster” Buck chased Ravi with a chainsaw for christ sake. 

Ok now the sexism. He actually stares daggers at Gerrard for the entirety of his stupid “waste of taxpayer money/women won’t be able to rescue my guys” spiel. Like the camera specifically focuses on Sal looking pissed as hell. Another thing I’ve heard falsely said is that after Gerrard storms off, Sal/Tommy follow him. That’s not true. They do get up and leave but they actually leave in the ass opposite direction. Sal’s face when he signals to Tommy to get up reads to me as “let’s get the hell away from the fallout of that grossness.” not “I agree with what that dinosaur just said.” But I also realize people can interpret that moment differently. 

I think the sexist reading largely comes from the Kristen Stewart conversation. And come on, This is the lesbian website, if we start dinging people for finding Kristen Stewart attractive, we’re all going down. Plus again, Buck was STEALING EMERGENCY EQUIPMENT TO GO GET LAID AND HE’S EVERYBODY’S FAV SO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. We see Sal kind of ignore Hen but also agree with her at the same time during this exchange. Again a case of Sal not really acknowledging Hen but not attacking her either. Go and look at his face when Tommy says that NY bitchiness comment. Sal does not look at all happy with him. Most of the time when anyone is being actively mean Sal looks pissed off, not approving.

Ok now the homophobia thing. And it's at this point I’m going to bring up the idea that some characters seem bad/good not based on their actions but on whose perspective we’re viewing those actions from. I see this being a problem with several characters. Most notably Taylor Kelly. But that's a whole other post. 

Sal’s team Jacob comment is homophobic and gross but it's also 1) 2009 and 2) directed at someone who he clearly knows incredibly well and who we KNOW gives as good as he gets. I easily could’ve seen this interaction reversed with Tommy saying that to Sal because that's who they are and how their friendship works. But because we’re seeing this from Hen’s perspective it's another thing that makes her feel isolated and othered. And again THAT IS NOT GOOD SAL SHOULD NOT BE DOING THAT. But I don’t think Sal at all said that with the intention of putting Hen down, it very clearly reads to me as Sal teasing/riling Tommy up as they always have. Now obviously the harm still hits even if the intent wasn’t present. But I think if we can forgive Tommy for comments that were MEANT to be mean, then we can forgive Sal for comments that were just him fucking around with his best friend of several years. 

That Sal was the ringleader or Gerrard’s right hand man

Does Sal have a sort of in charge vibe? Yeah absolutely. But very notably the only thing he actually initiates is the olive branch. It’s him that offers a hand to Hen and says nice job and you’re good at what you do. I also will die on the hill that the hemorrhoid complaint was his. Chim would definitely say that but not in an official report, Tommy would definitely bad mouth Gerrard, but not like that. Now who is known for kind of cruder language and a short fuse and absolutely would put that down in an official report? Sal motherfucking Deluca that’s who. 

One notable thing that I find interesting is that Hen herself distinguishes Gerrard’s behavior from the rest of the team's. She definitely gives them hell during her big speech but when Chim does dishes with her she specifically says men like him not men like them. Just something I realized on my most recent rewatch. 

To summarize, the only real thing Sal did that was unique to him (because they all failed to stick up for Hen, yes even Chim. Chim was nice to her but he never actually stood up for her to Gerrard’s face. He tried to redirect the conversation a couple times but that was it.) was the Kristen stewart comments and the Team Jacob comment. I would argue Tommy’s comments in Chimney begins and his NY bitchiness comment in Hen Begins are way more targeted, hateful, and fucking rude. (said with all love because we know Tommy had a bunch of growth and change and became the man we all know and adore.) IMO nothing in Hen begins that Sal says/does is as bad as what Tommy did/said.

Bobby Begins Again

Ok another reason why I don’t think Sal is this irredeemable sexist/racist/homophobic pig is WHY ON EARTH WOULD HEN STAND UP FOR HIM IF HE WAS???!?!?!? Hen is THE FIRST PERSON TO CALL OUT THAT CRAP even from the first episode she says something like “why is that always the first instinct with you whiteboy macho types?” So why why why why would she stand up for Sal if he hadn’t shown any improvement in that area in the now 7 years minimum that she’s worked with him. Answer: she fucking wouldn’t. Ok moving on.

The Bobby stuff

So remember how I said perspective changes everything? This is the major reason why. We as the audience love Bobby and know intimately the struggles he’s faced, so we’re naturally going to be angered by anyone who is antagonistic towards him. The thing is Sal doesn’t know ANY of that. This is what Sal knows about Bobby.

He’s from somewhere in middle America and has never worked in a MAJOR American city like LA/NYC. That’s it. He COMPLETELY ACCURATELY I MIGHT ADD predicts that anybody with that background will struggle to adapt to the specifics of LA. It’s Sal that has to pick up Bobby’s slack as he adjusts, calling out the shots at the tree trimmer call, taking the initiative with Maurice even though Bobby does ultimately do the saving. (Which Sal actually seems impressed by btw.) Bobby still can’t even read the city map when they pull up to the restaurant fire call. 

Now imagine you’re Sal. First you had Gerrard as captain, who (I think it's fair to say) you DID NOT LIKE. One of the things he did was put down firefighters who disobeyed orders by rescuing people. We saw this with the “fetching a tide” call and with saving the boy in the submerged car. Hen disobeyed orders but showed real skill as a firefighter. And all she got for her troubles was being berated by her Captain. 

Ok then after Gerrard you have an interim captain that seems like a decent dude, but he leaves and for a while you have a revolving door of retiring brass that are checked out, behind the times, or just generally disengaged. You become used to filling in as captain and get actually pretty damn good at managing the team. (I say this because Sal leads the team several times in BBA and nobody looks at all like this is a new development) Then they finally pick a nobody who has never worked in a proper city before and to you he’s just the newest asshole that will probably screw up and get someone killed. Sal has no idea about the challenges or traumas Bobby has had to face, just like we have no idea what might have happened in the 5+ years between HB and BBA. Sal has probably MANY REASONS not to trust Bobby that we don’t know about. 

So how would you feel after you’ve successfully rescued a teenage boy’s life, if your new captain who you’ve known for like a day and still doesn’t even know how to get the engine to calls on time, calls YOU stupid for SUCCESSFULLY SAVING A CHILD’S LIFE. I think you’d be likely to blow up a little too. 

Was Sal a hothead? Absolutely. Was he being smart by mouthing off to Bobby? Absolutely not. But I think his lines to Bobby during that scene are so telling. “You’re just the latest jag off in a long line of jag offs to come to this house and think you know how to run it.” In other words, he’s not really seeing Bobby during this exchange (he couldn’t possibly, Bobby is still being very closed off and won’t tell anyone what his story is for years) he’s seeing the long line of assholes that started with Gerrard that Bobby is unknowingly falling into the pattern of. Just like how Bobby didn’t really see Sal and one relatively tiny restaurant, he saw his wife and family and a massive apartment building with no way out. That to me is the tragedy of Bobby and Sal. I genuinely think they could’ve learned a lot from each other if they had left their baggage at the door. 

In other words, would we judge Sal if he had gone after Gerrard in the way he went after Bobby? I doubt it. And that to me is what Sal is actually doing, going after Gerrard and all the other nameless asshole captains he’s been dealing with for YEARS. Sal was hotheaded and impulsive, but at the end of the day I think he was just dealing with misplaced anger that he put on Bobby, something both Buck and Eddie have done at some point or another even when they DID have all the information. If you can forgive the lawsuit arc, and Eddie’s comments in season 5 about Bobby’s kill count than dear god I think Sal has more than earned a pass. 

Overarching things I find interesting about Sal that I don’t see anyone talking about 

He cares a lot about the people they save on rescues, he’s the one on the majority of calls saying some variant of “its gonna be ok/we’re gonna get you out/don’t worry. Whatever the firefighter equivalent of bedside manner is, this guy has it. 

His personal code of who he gives a shit about seems to boil down entirely to who has skills/is talented and who isn’t. The minute Hen shows real promise by saving that little boy, he is down there hand shaking and complimenting her. Ditto Freddie Costas. “Smart kid, probably saved his own life with that move.” You see this in his conversation with Bobby too “that wasn’t luck man that was skill.” You have to earn Sal’s respect and the way you do is by demonstrating competence. Sal genuinely does look impressed with Bobby for apprehending Maurice and showing ingenuity, the problem is it's immediately undercut when Bobby belittles him for saving the kid. 

Anywho, that’s my Sal defense thesis. There’s probably other stuff I forgot but that's the bulk of it. I reserve the right to randomly reblog this with any other shit that comes to mind. Also as a disclaimer I still LOVE reading toxic Sal or asshole Sal content, absolutely eat it up with a spoon gimme gimme gimme. But I think it would be unfair to say that’s the ONLY read of him. He clearly does give a shit and is capable of growth and change, he just also happens to have a short fuse and very little willingness to go about things in a tactful way. 

TLDR: free my man, he did do some of that shit but so did your blorbos, it's just your blorbos had the narrative on their side when they did it.

[camryntheking]

Ok! My thoughts on 7x05!

First, i just wanna say that the whole Hen and Karen storyline is awesome! I love that the show is giving queer people so much screen time, especially a Black lesbian couple! And i think its super sweet that they really want to try for Mara! I hope it works out!

Next, i think that has been my favorite cold open so far. The “ITS MEEE” gets me every time (i have already watched it loads of times). I dont have much to comment on it other than it was funny as fuck

Ok. The date scene. I was hoping to see more of Eddie watching them (especially after the stills), but oh well. The second-hand embarrassment i got was… a lot. But i dont think its necessarily a bad thing. It showed how out of his comfort zone Buck was and how he was trying to navigate a terrifying situation. And Tommy? I might have to retract my earlier retraction. Cos wtf?? Literally had just finished talking about how its hard to accept yourself in a “macho” field, then makes a dig at Buck when he fumbles? Not cool. Then not communicating what was happening until he was getting in the Uber? You dont just abandon someone at a restaurant like that. I understand the “you’re not ready” thing, but that was a dick move.

Also, Buck, baby. Sweetheart. Darling. “I look at hot guys’ asses.” Sweetie. Like Maddie said. You are more than an ally lmao. I also just love how Maddie showed interest in getting to know who Buck was talking about and treating the convo after like a normal convo. Because it is! And i love it! But she also emphasized talking to Eddie, because she knew that Eddie would not react poorly. I feel like that just shows how everyone knows how close Buck and Eddie are. TLDR, Maddie is an awesome sister and Buck is lucky to have her ❤️

Next point, the scene where Buck and Tommy talk over coffee. I do think that the hand holding at the end is very sweet and shows how Buck is really trying to be more open, but Tommy is just really starting to rub me the wrong way. Pretty much everything he said contradicts what happened in the date scene. I feel like him being at the wedding is really gonna spark some Jealous Eddie, tho, so i am excited to see that lmao

And Eddie and Marisol? I feel like the show is going in a direction that leads them to breaking up. Like yes, it is showing growth for Eddie and allowed him to acknowledge that he has Catholic guilt, but theres just. No chemistry. It feels awkward. I feel like her being an ex-nun is gonna bring up some issues with Buck and Eddie will not stand for that. I also wanted to point out that i got even more vibes that Eddie could be demisexual, cos he didnt straight up say that he loved Shannon, just that he loved being married to her. And he knows that he is moving too fast and needs to step back a bit

Finally, Buck coming out to Eddie. I do find it funny that Eddie seemed more shocked that Tommy wasnt straight than figuring out Buck isnt straight. But its awesome that Eddie showed interest and genuinely wanted to help Buck through the issue. And the hug? Finally! Give me men not being afraid to hug each other! I feel like this is allowing Buck and Eddie to become even closer (i do hope for Buddie eventually)

Overall, i feel like this episode was great for setting up the development of Buck and Eddie’s relationship (whether it ends up being platonic or romantic). And i am all for Buck exploring his sexuality with someone that isnt Eddie. While Tommy isnt my favorite right now, i do think that he is great for the progression of Buck’s story. I do hope to see more of Dad!Bobby in the coming episodes and how Buck’s parents might react to Tommy. I dont wanna wait three weeks for the next episode 😢. Im ready for the chaos of the Madney wedding

If i think of anything else ill add on, but i think thats all i have for now. Feel free to share your thoughts!

[sewersewersewercouch]

(content warning for mentions of self harm and abuse)

ok I want to put my two cents in on the whole Keefe shebang because this kid has been rotating in my brain since I was 12 and I have Thoughts about him. thanks to @the-way-astray for writing the thing that spurred this ramble

the thing is, I love Keefe, I always have, but I've realized recently that the version of Keefe I love is kind of not the canon one? don't get me wrong, he has all the traits of the canon one, but framed in a different light. like, all his shitty traits are painted as just that--shitty.

because the thing is, the tendencies to joke inappropriately, the hero complex, the impulsivity, the simultaneous inflated ego and self-deprecation--those things all feel like realistic flaws for a teenage boy to have, particularly an abused, traumatized, probably neurodivergent (?*) teenage boy. the thing is, that they aren't always treated as flaws. oftentimes they're even romanticized, which is... not great. especially as some of his actions are, like, borderline sh behavior, and THIS IS A CHILDREN'S BOOK. we should NOT be saying things like that are okay in a book we're giving to middle schoolers.

now, Shannon HAS had her moments of acknowledging that Keefe is being shitty. that scene in nightfall where Sophie chews him out after the ogre fight is a good one--she points out to him that his self sacrificing is hurting not just him, but the loved ones he's so convinced he's helping. she does not cut him any slack and sticks to her guns--she doesn't contact him until his bedrest time is over. the problem is that moments like this are too few and far between, and they don't seem to, like, stick? like, he acts like he's learned his lesson and just does the same thing again.

also, kind of a more personal note that's completely irrelevant, I did kinda realize that one of my ocs is based a little bit on Keefe, by accident, but I do not let her off the hook half as much. she does have issues that affect the way she acts (hers is more about internalized ableism rather than child abuse, her dad is great I love him) and those are treated simultaneously like, yeah that's fucked up but you need better coping mechanisms that don't hurt both you and the people around you, girl! and she does end up keeping the relationships with her loved ones and building new ones, but to get there, she has to acknowledge that her obsessive martyr complex is hurting others more than it's helping them, and that her attempts at pretending she's always fine are bad for her and she needs to let people in. also she's a cool butch lesbian Shannon could never (/joke). this is again mostly just me bragging about blorbo from my brain but it's kinda like. this is what we could be so close to having with Keefe but alas

anyways tl;dr the power Keefe as a character would have if his issues weren't romanticized would be unparalleled

*wasn't there a whole thing where Shannon said she wrote Keefe as having adhd at a tour and kotlcblr went nuts? am I imagining it?

[westofessos]

So I just finished Gilmore Girls for the first time and boy, do I have some thoughts:

First of all, I love this show so much. More than I ever thought I would. It’s just so comforting. I totally get it now.

Now, for specifics.

Lorelai:

I love Lorelai. She does make some dumb choices, but in the end, she’s just so loveable and fun, I can’t help but adore her.

Rory:

I do not get the hate I’ve seen for Rory! Yes, like her mom, she makes stupid decisions, but she’s so wonderful. Maybe it’s just because I relate to her so closely, but I love Rory so much.

Luke:

Ughhhh I love love love Luke. He’s so unexpectedly hilarious sometimes?? I did not foresee that when I started. Scott Patterson is also strangely one of the best actors on the show, which I also did not expect. Luke is a gem, we love him.

Luke & Lorelai:

How could you not love these two together? They’re absolutely perfect for each other and the pining, especially on Luke’s part, makes for incredible television. I do think their dynamic kind of lost the really special ‘will they, won’t they’ tension after season 1/2, but I still ship them. So glad they ended up together. When she was still with Christopher near the end of season 7, I got a little worried.

Paris:

PARIS IS GAY. I will accept nothing less. She is queer in some way, whether she’s a lesbian or bi. She had absolutely no chemistry with any of her love interests but so much with Rory. Also she’s just amazing all around. I fucking love Paris. Make her queer, cowards.

Lane:

How could you not love Lane? She’s the absolute shit. Cool, supportive, loyal, and a fucking rockstar. I didn’t mind her with Zach to begin with (even though I thought it was a bit strange how they all of a sudden liked each other), but when they got married and had kids, that was a big nope for me. Lane Kim deserved to be a famous rockstar.

Emily & Richard:

I went back and forth on these two. On one hand, they’re very entertaining characters and I do believe they’re trying to do what they think is best, but on the other, I think in the end they do more harm than good. The way they dismiss Lorelai’s trauma, and completely disregard everyone else’s opinion because they assume they automatically know what’s best, just rubs me the wrong way. Not to mention the manipulation and the going behind people’s backs. I think there should’ve been an arc at the end where they finally listened to Lorelai and acknowledged what they’d done and tried to change for the better.

Sookie:

Melissa McCarthy is great in everything, and this is no exception. She’s so sweet and lovable, and such a good friend to Lorelai. I love her. Plus her relationship with Jackson is just lovely.

Michel:

He’s such a sarcastic bitch and I love him. I think that’s all there is to say.

The Townies and Side Characters:

Kirk - Kirk is maybe the funniest part of the show and such a little sweetheart, I love him so much.

Babette - aka the best neighbour ever. We deserved even more of her and Morey than we got.

Miss Patty - same goes for Patty! We need more Patty!

Taylor - annoying and obnoxious but the show wouldn’t be the same without him. Irreplaceable.

Gypsy - again, we needed more!! Gypsy was so funny and I just wanted more!

April - I love April! She’s so sweet. I don’t, however, like what her arrival did to Luke and Lorelai’s relationship, and I fucking hate Anna.

Christopher - I don’t hate him, but he’s definitely not one of my favourites. I think it would’ve been a lot better if he and Lorelai had just been really close friends, or if he had just been fully out of the picture.

And finally, the boys:

Dean:

FUCK. DEAN. Do I need to say more? He’s a toxic, possessive, asshole and I hate him. He was okay in the beginning, but the ‘50s episode really clinched my hatred for him. Huge nope from me. What a dick.

Logan:

Man, do I hate Logan. Obviously not as bad as Dean, but he’s such a douchebag!! I genuinely cannot stand him or put up with any of his bullshit. I thought he would grow on me as the show went on but no, I only hated him more.

Jess:

Best for last. My love for this man knows no bounds. Obviously the best fit for Rory, I love them together, but also his relationship with Luke is so great. Also, justice for his and Rory’s relationship while they were dating!! Why did we only get to see it when shit hit the fan? They kept mentioning how they were going to hang out, that they were meeting up later on, so why didn’t we get to see any of it? Why did we only get to see them when Jess fucked up? I hate that. I also hate that they didn’t end up together, even when Jess grew and changed and bettered himself. Anyway, I just love him. I could talk about him forever.

A Year in the Life:

They tried to fit 22 episodes worth of Gilmore Girls into 4 episodes, and it didn’t work. The first episode did an okay job, and I did kind of love the last episode (the wedding!), but the middle two were. . . yikes. No theme song/opening titles? No transitions? NO SOOKIE EXCEPT FOR ONE SCENE AT THE END? Michel thinking about leaving the inn and Lorelai being abandoned by both of her friends? No Jackson? Rory being with an engaged Logan? Basically no Jess except for a few scenes, one of which broke my heart? I could go on forever.

That being said, they should make more after the cliffhanger they left us on. I’ll take whatever I can get, even if it’s subpar.

Anyway those are just a few of my many thoughts about this show. I can’t believe I waited until now to watch it. I need someone to talk about this show with so if you see this and want to talk, DM me.

[animentality]

Can I just say as a lesbian with a lesbian Durge - when it comes to Gortash I imagine that she and him were absolutely inseparable besties. They absolutely meant the world to each other and loved each other, but platonically. I still love them and the insane ride or die bestfriendship dynamic I imagine for them. And then I also have a gay dude Durge, the default dragonborn, and I ship him with Gortash. So, two Durges, two timelines, two perfectly valid interpretations of the relationship based on in-game evidence, and zero issues. It is really not that difficult!

(People might as well complain “what about my lesbian Tav” in response to all the Astarion/Tav shipping like. Lol. So I don’t understand how anyone is trying to make the relative popularity of Durgetash amongst people with gay or bi Durges a point of general contention tbh. More likely someone is just annoyed by the ship but couldn’t just say that and had to make up discourse about it.)

Anyway, the elephant in the room is this. Won’t someone PLEASE think of the poor straight man Durges? Forced into homosexuality with Gortash, by all 10 Durgetash shippers on the internet??? How will they ever recover?????

ANON, you hit the nail on the head.

They just don't like Gortash. And I don't CARE. I know most people DON'T.

None of my friends get it at ALL. But they're still my friends.

I think Dark Urge fans are just in smaller supply than regular Tavs, so you take Dark Urge content wherever you can...and it just so happens, that Durgetash fans are highly active.

And they're just disgruntled because they want us to obsess with THEIR OCs, like bro, come on now.

We all get to play with our own OCs here. The Dark Urge is just an origin.

No one said your lesbian Durge had to do anything. No one ever put a gun to your head and said, love Enver.

Imagine your OC kissing him.

Ugh. I hate Twitter discourse.

It's a bunch of "unpopular take but-" and then followed by the most popular take in existence.

No one but a small fringe group of lunatics likes Gortash.

Just leave us alone and chill the fuck out.

Go attack Astarion girlies for making tav a straight woman every time.

Also, anon, about your lesbian durge...that's the beauty of durgetash.

It's subtle in the game, so if you want to pretend they weren't hooking up...then they weren't hooking up.

It's literally so subtle, most people just don't notice it.

All you have to acknowledge is, they once worked together.

You don't have to imagine them banging if you don't want to.

They could, simply be, simply roommates.

So I don't get the hand wringing and the pearl clutching.

The game is soooo milquetoast on confirming canon behaviors from both the dark urge and tav anyway, that you could straight up headcanon just about anything, and have it make sense.

in fact, i wish durgetash WAS more prominent, so as you said, the majority straight male audience of bg3 who plays the dark urge would be forced to confront their character being a little bicurious, lmao.

[violottie]

I cant stress enough how much bi lesbians and bi lesbian discourse flared up my SO-ocd, I was fine for a few months and then I returned to this side of tumblr and I get reminded of them. One of my worst fears is that I am somehow a “bi lesbian” or if after all these years of questioning and finally coming to the conclusion that I’m a lesbian I’ll turn out to be straight in the end. Idk if I should have stayed on the art side of tumblr but where else do I find other lesbians??? I wish I could go back to when I didn’t know “bi lesbians” existed it was easier back then. Apparently the only thing to make intrusive thoughts subside is to be like “so what if I’m not a lesbian, who cares” but I cant do that. I wanna go back to when I didn’t know there were people who deliberately fake being gay because that’s also one of my fears,, even though when I realized I was a lesbian it felt like I REALIZED it rather than chose it

(this is gonna be long but it's very important to talk about so just a heads up on that)

i am so so sorry to hear this, and im infuriated that these fucking creeps in the "community" have caused not only so much blatant lesbophobia to spread but also have caused so much harm to lesbians.

i am right with you because ive been through, and still go through sometimes, what you're experiencing. its terrifying that all this bullshit can snowball and make any doubts we lesbians already have from living in this heterosexual patriarchal society double and multiply even more viciously.

my internalised lesbophobia has worsened also. i doubt myself alot and more often thanks to all this bs. its... i dont even have words to express how damaging lesbophobia, especially from within the "community", is.

it causes harm and trauma and pain and suffering for lesbians, but all these stupid juvenile shits just think it doesnt matter because "uwu theyre so kweer and cool now"

it sucks... but i need you to know it is not your fault that you feel this way.

no matter what anyone inside or outside the community says, and no matter what your spiralling thoughts might make you believe as a result of lesbophobia inside and outside the community, you are not straight, you are not a "bi lesbian", you are not bisexual. you are a lesbian.

i know it is so so hard to just say but i promise you, nothing they say will ever ever change the reality of your lesbianism. i promise you.

it hurts, and its beyond infuriating to have to share space with these disrespectful bastards who coopt our lived experience for a moment of attempted self-actualisation, and that pain deserves to be acknowledged and soothed, not pushed away.

i wish i could give you a hug rn honestly because this shit just fucking sucks. i too wish i could go back to the time when these idiots werent even a concept in my mind or memory, but if there is any advice i can give you to help ease the torment of this constant barrage, it is this:

❤️🧡🤍🩷💖

1) know, for a fact, that nothing anyone, and i mean ANYONE says and no matter how loud they say it, will ever change the lived and exact reality of your innate sexuality.

nothing will ever magic away your lesbianism. it is wired into you, it IS you, a very central part of your personhood. that is not something that any words, especially words shat out of the asshole of a dickhead child on the internet, can ever change.

im not disregarding the hurt, im just reminding you that who you are, who you truly are, cannot change because of the words that hurt. especially because you know deep down that those words are not true.

because being a lesbian is who you are. it is not a quota to reach, or what you do, it is who we are. innately. you know where your natural attactions lie, what genders draw your attraction exclusively and without effort. you know that deep down. we are literally born this way. words cannot change that.

❤️🧡🤍🩷💖

2) the best thing to do whenever you accidentally glimpse said bullshit is to block them and focus on uplifting the actual lesbian community.

lesbians community is such an integral lifeline, i cannot emphasise the sheer importance of enough.

these idiots are, after all, idiots and do not deserve your energy, your time or your pain. they will never matter, and the truth is, they only exist on the internet among weirdos who have no sense of self so seek it by stealing bits and pieces from other peoples personal experience and identity.

they are and always will be inauthentic, unlike you.

❤️🧡🤍🩷💖

3) find and focus on the joy of your lesbianism individually and in lesbian community with other lesbians.

We lesbians are blessed to experience the best kind of human life possible: lesbianism.

our sexuality is bold and strong and proud and beautiful and brilliant and effervescent. it is perfect and brave and worthy of honor and praise and celebration and respect.

our community of lesbians is just as exquisite as we are individually. we are diverse and divine. every butch, femme, stud, stone, masc and feminine lesbian; every trans woman, transmasc, transfem and nonbinary lesbian; every black and brown and lesbian of color; every aromantic, asexual, aroace, non-partnering and polyamourous lesbian; every lesbian of every age and race is so overflown with wisdom and joy and love and brilliance. there is nothing more empowering as a lesbian and nothing that strengthens lesbian pride more than being in a community of lesbians and finding joy in ourselves through each other.

and im not just saying this to be mushy. i mean it. lesbians are divine, and thus, you are also divine.

you are perfect as a lesbian because you ARE a lesbian. you are incredible and intelligent and brilliant and brave.

nothing will change the brilliance of who you are, and in everything you are as a lesbian, you have a universe of lesbians who have been, who are and who will be, all of whom have not only been through the same and similar demeaning bs from the same kind of lesbophobic idiots, but they fought it back and survived and lived and thrived as lesbians.

you are just as strong as every lesbian who has been and is. and you are not alone. i promise you.

i am slowly rebuilding the community of lesbians on this blog that i had on my old one, but i promise you, on my blog you are safe. i swear, i will always always put lesbians first here, and that includes you. i will always defend and support and celebrate lesbians first here, and here you will find many other lesbians who will do the same.

❤️🧡🤍🩷💖

i know this was long, im sorry about that but i just need you to know that i see and feel your pain with you, and i need you to know that you arent going through it alone, and you are not alone.

we lesbians have always stuck together to defend and fight for one another, we have always survived, we have always been here, and we always will be.

i hope this reassures you in some way, and know you're always welcome and safe here ❤️🧡🤍🩷💖

[dee-in-the-box]

happy pride month, y'all! have some pride headcanons!!

none of these people are straight and/or cis to me. they've all got some weird queerness going on with them

Jack: transmasc (he/him mostly, but probably wouldn't mind they/them that much), bisexual. could see him being acespec, but sex favorable or indifferent. polyamorous.

Dave: nonbinary in a "i don't understand gender and idgaf about it" way (he/him, but honestly doesn't care. probably would find out about it/its pronouns and love those), pansexual. teach this guy about xenogenders i think he'd love those too. polyamorous (i can see it).

Peter: transfem bigender (he/she), and honestly doesn't know what her sexuality would be considering his weird gender situation (look, he grew up in the 50s-60s. the most exposure to the queer community she had was through Jack, and that wasn't. A Lot). me personally? i'd say lesbian. because Fuck It, Why Not?

Dee: technically cis because she never got to grow up and figure that stuff out (she/her), but i could see her growing up and being on the spectrum of GNC or Genderqueer (the genderqueer part is Definitely not me projecting (< lie)). also aroace (repulsed on both ends)

Henry: cis man (he/him; the first entirely cis person here), bisexual. listen. i heard that thing that was like. DD originally said he was bi but then changed it to straight after getting hate for it for some reason, and i decided to make it a situation where Henry just like. Acknowledged it was a thing for him but didn't really give any fucks because he busy Committing Crimes Against Humanity. everyone thinks he's straight though, 'cause he never mentions it (again, busy with Other Things. such as Causing Problems).

Steven: cis man (he/him), gay. This Is The Shortest Fucking One. also, Steven is the shortest adult of the cast; he's 5'5".

Harry: masc nonbinary dude (he/they), bisexual, polyamorous.

Jake: cis man (he/him), graysexual panromantic, polyamorous.

Roger: probably got some genderfuckery there, but i'll just say A Dude (gender neutral) for now (he/him), gay (as in Likes Men Or Masc-Leaning People), polyamorous. didn't realize the Gay & Poly Part until Dsaf 3. You'll Never Guess How He Found Out!

Rebecca: transfem (she/they/xe), and just queer in general. not exactly poly, but she doesn't mind Harry's...other partners (Jake and Roger). it's sort of a "This is my boyfriend, and this is my boyfriend's boyfriends! ^-^" situation.

and for a few others:

Caroline: cis woman (she/her), cupioromantic (aromantic micro-label; basically means that you don't feel romantic attraction, but still desire a romantic relationship) heterosexual. she still loves Peter, her love just isn't necessarily "romantic." i'd describe it more like queerplatonic. she got married to Peter because she does genuinely care for him and love him, but also because...well, it was what was expected of her. besides, she doesn't mind being married, it's actually pretty nice. Caroline's as close as y'all are going to get to a cishet Dsaf character from these headcanons.

Matt: transmasc agender (he/him), aroace (romance indifferent/favorable (see: "I'm Matt! Everybody loves me!"), sex indifferent/repulsed (do i even need to explain it? i think we know why this was what i picked for him).

now, fun facts!!

Jack actually doesn't experience a lot of dysphoria, just upset that he doesn't have a dick. he doesn't even mind the boobs too much (except that they make people think he's a woman; that part sucks), he'd probably just like a binder. wouldn't mind top surgery, but y'know. Binders Are Easier To Get And Cheaper Than That.

Dee is romance repulsed in terms of herself for the most part (as in the idea of being romantic herself grosses her out). except for Davesport. she told Jack and Dave to "get a room" multiple times in the Flipside.

Blackjack technically has the same labels as Jack, but y'know. Ghost Dog.

Henry doesn't understand why so many queer people work at Fazbender's (Jack, Steven, Peter, etc) because he just. keeps killing them. not due to the queerness but because They Keep Getting In His Way. what is it about the Chuck E Cheese rip-offs that attracts the gays?? Is It The Bears?? Is It The Fucking BEARS??? (i had to make the joke. i had to)

Modern Day Queer Discourse would piss Jack off. he was alive in the 60s and 70s when that shit was getting more mainstream. he's effectively a queer elder, technically (even if he kinda sorta Looks perpetually twenty-two because he kinda can't age anymore). he's seen some shit. i can see him saying on someone's "He/Him Lesbians Aren't A Thing >:(" post "my bigender brother is a lesbian, though. he's got a wife" and then logging off. you can't tell me he wouldn't

I Stand By My Statement: None Of The Kennedy Siblings Have A Normal Relationship With Gender. They Just Don't.

Jack just uses a lot of slurs for himself. he's got. So Fucking Many that he can reclaim (because y'know. Gay/Bi and Trans. and he was alive during the 60s and 70s. so you can only imagine the shit he's heard or had thrown at him).

the first time in his life that Dave ever had to worry about gender stuff was when Henry was having to like. fill out paperwork and things like that to get him an ID of some kind. when they got to gender, Dave didn't really know why that was important, nor what would really fit. they just put "male" on there because technically that would "fit him best" (since he, y'know. has a dick), but Dave didn't feel like either option fit.

i feel like Jack went to a pride event/parade sometime before Dsaf 3. like, maybe he finally felt comfortable actually going there and being out safely for the first time in his life. it was nice.

Caroline helped Peter with her makeup after she came out, and with growing his hair out.

after coming home post-Dsaf 2, Peter actually tried some dresses out. they also found out a way to still put eyeliner on him. and that was using a Sharpie to draw under her phone dial to look like eyeliner. hey, it works.

Peter never got comfortable enough to wear lipstick before he died, though :( so she never got to experience that

Jack: "If I had a nickel for every time I was someone's gay awakening, I'd have three nickels. Which isn't a lot, but how does this keep happening-" (the three people in question are Dave, Jake, and Roger)

i have so many more istg, but this post is getting long. might talk about some more if anyone's interested, though!

[just-otter-thoughts]

Okay this might be missing details but let's go.

Quick American comic book history lesson. Batman is one of the first ever superheroes. Superman invented the superhero comic book, but Batman popped up a short time afterwards. He starts as a serious grim detective/superhero combo but acquires a sidekick (an orphan named Dick Grayson, AKA Robin. He adopts him. Keep him in mind) and the stories get more light hearted and campy. After WWII, the public gets obsessed with horror comics, which children get their hands on. This upsets parents. A psychologist named Fredric Wertham writes a paper called "Seduction of the Innocent" about how comics are evil and corrupting children.

He says a lot of stuff but most relevant is he SPECIFICALLY cites Batman as being homosexual propaganda due to Batman and Robin apparently being coded as an older man and younger boy couple (keep in mind Robin is a child so. Ew. But again it's the 50s and the Lavender Scare is in full swing so this is common rhetoric at the time). This paper leads to the creation of the Comics Code Authority, which is basically the Hays Code for comic books (good must triumph evil, women must act feminine and men must act masculine, basically must be "child appropriate" aka not break the white cishet nuclear family standard!). DC follows this by trying to make Batman straight by creating Batwoman and Batgirl to be love interests for Batman and Robin respectively (quick aside, the modern version of Batwoman is now Bruce Wayne's lesbian cousin). And you know how the Hays Code led to villains becoming queercoded? Guess what happens to our Batman villains!

The biggest one for this to happen to is Joker. Batman's most iconic villain, he's colorful, loud, ridiculous, and depending on the writer, either just a silly jokester or the most cruel man you can imagine. We've got the ingredients for a queercoded villain right here, and writers took it. The white face and bright red grin was originally from his acid bath, but now our guy applies powder and lipstick for his clownly look. He takes to calling Batman nicknames such as "Batsy". His motivation mostly boils down to "how can I get Batman's attention". He adopts feminine mannerisms and cross dresses. He may even yse Joker use euphisms for how in love he is (Lego Batman's "I hate you. I hate you more" scene) or STRAIGHT UP SAY HE'S IN LOVE WITH BATMAN (looking at you, Batman Audio Adventures Joker, with your nefarious plan to dunk Batman in a LOVE POTION ON VALENTINE'S DAY SO HE WOULD ALSO BECOME OBSESSED WITH HIM)

I have not read the story myself yet, but that post that prompted this, the copy of "Arkham Asylum, House of Madness". That story is written by Grant Morrison (who I should mention a. Is queer and uses they/them, and b. Has said Batman could be inherently gay due to him dressing in tight leather) and I need to find his post again but my good buddy jokeryuri has also done a compilation of material related to that story and Joker's queercoding present in it. I just remember something about Joker trying to seduce Batman

Speaking of "Batman could be gay", there are a few other people who work on various Batman versions that acknowledge that elements of Batman are gay. Frank Miller calls Joker and Batman's relationship a "homophobic nightmare" and that "it would be healthier if Batman was gay". George Clooney, playing Batman in the movie Batman and Robin, says he played Batman as gay. Batman and Robin was also directed by Joel Schumacher, a gay man, and is SO FUCKING CAMPY GOD I LOVE IT. I actually like Batman Forever (also directed by him) more because that one has Riddler and Two Face's earth shattering homosexual relationship (they cling to each other so so much and are very flamboyant) but yeah that version is very gay

There's also a LOT of accidental queercoding in general. First example I can think of is classic Dick Grayson himself actually! He "grew up" in the 80s and became his own hero, and during the 90s he all but says he's demisexual (saying he can't imagine having sex unless he has an established connection with whoever). Modern DC plays up his sex appeal though and turned him into a flirty playboy which sucks because it's in direct defiance of those panels but it's fine :) (gritting teeth).

The other big example is my special guy Hugo Strange, Batman's first villain to get a reappearance (Joker came first but he died and didn't reappear until THIRTY OR SO YEARS LATER, while Hugo was just like one year between appearances). I have a whole post that are just images of him being gay for Batman that I can grab in a bit but the gist is he's obsessed with the Batman identity and is constantly trying to prove he's better than him. There's also that time he kept a sex doll that he started dressing up as Batman and in one issue is implied to have slept with it so. Make of that as you will.

Also it's kind of a joke at this point that every Batman villain is in love with him. The Arkham Knight game having Mad Hatter (an Alice in Wonderland themed villain known for trying to find "his Alice" AKA a girl to love) calling Batman Alice and inviting him into his cell. The time Killer Croc was at a strip club and Batman confronted him there and Killer Croc first assumed he was a stripper and told him to start stripping. Riddler (canonically bisexual in the comics!) leading Batman on a riddle hunt showing him all his past loves and concluding with a date with him

I could go on but TL;DR? Batman yaoi. Maybe he's technically a bara due to the muscles and usually written by a man as opposed to pretty boy written by a woman but he can be yaoi

Most of this is covered on the Wikipedia page "Homosexuality in the Batman Franchise, but I also learned the opening comic history from my comic book history class I took a couple years ago, and the specific cited instances are from my own reading and panels posted around Tumblr. Thank you for reading my messy thoughts, I hope you enjoyed

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_the_Batman_franchise

Thank you for this!!! I took so long to answer this because I went to honk mimimiland. This is all very interesting history to be honest, and I did think it could be a little gay but I could not imagine it would be this gay lmao.

And also you are so based for saying Batman would be bara. WAIT IS THERE BARA ART OF BATMAN.

THIS IS JUST REGULAR BATMAN HSNFHDJDHDHSJ

Also it's interesting how the foebidding of gay stuff leads to more gay stuff.

[verdemoun]

Time for another ✨hypothetical ask✨ What of Black Belle timewarped who would she interact with? I just know she would absolutely love Grimshaw (they would bond so quickly at being girlbosses during the 1800s managing to survive in an outlaw life and I can see them being shipped together as well) plus how she would or wouldn’t get along with the rest of the gang and how she would die to timewarp in the first place?

Also a seperate hypothetical in which all of the gunslingers timewarp because Black Belle seeing how Jim “boy” Calloway turned out would be funny (I am super hyperfixated on Black Belle do you notice?/rh)

Okay I was putting this off because I don't want to interrupt my Kiervier fantasies but the demons in me want Blackduffy so I'm gonna need at fat hear me out here.

Black Belle shouldn't fucking die she should be proof that people can be outlaws and survive if they learn to pull their heads in and don't be an idiot Dutch. She would've cornered Mary-Beth around 1907 asking if one of her novels were about a peculiar, handsome feller called Arthur Morgan. She wrote about him too accurately to not have been at least an associate if not a dear friend of, and Mary-Beth would have had a panic attack because Black Belle is 1. hot 2. serving outlaw/bounty hunter vibes 3. super hot. She could live with Mary-Beth as companion 'spinsters' and Mary-Beth went onto write what would be considered the first lesbian novel with a genuinely happy ending. Black Belle having that dangerous mysterious energy Mary-Beth craves as well as also having the sensibility to acknowledge when it was time to stop being an outlaw.

but HYPOTHETICALLY-

Black Belle dies in 1900 when the bounty hunters caught up with her. Unlike Colm, she was still grinning right up all the way through her execution, using her final moments to brag about the extraordinary life she's lived. Her corpse was still grinning, and looked absolutely macabre in the newspaper photos.

Arthur was going about his business as normal, a typical, delightful day of taking Isaac out for lunch (Isaac picks a restaurant and then watches his dad react to new cuisines like it's rumspringa) when someone whistles across the street and calling 'well well, fancy seeing you again sugar'

Isaac immediately sniggered at the thought of someone calling his dad sugar and Arthur knew he wasn't going to be living it down anytime soon

Black Belle is a queen and had been doing decently okay, staying at a motel while she figured out what was happening. 'Didn't expect this many bluecoats in Heaven, let alone nosey little photographers.'

Isaac was immediately obsessed, which Arthur dreaded but he can't help feeling a little jolt of admiration too because who doesn't admire what a badass woman Black Belle is.

He introduces her to the gang because there is a silent pledge to help people 'lost in time'.

Annabelle, bless her heart, has a type. She might live in a two bedroom studio with the guest room supposedly already rented out to Grimshaw but of course suddenly it's no issue.

Susan thought it was adorable how tongue tied Annabelle was for such a well-spoken, world-travelling human rights advocate but the fact Black Belle is a short queen was suddenly meaningless the second she sets her eyes on Susan Grimshaw and (having to look up) said 'ain't you as stunning as starlight'.

She immediately moved in with them. Still no one sleeps in the guest room.

Black Belle gives no shits about women suddenly being able to wear pants. Like cool for women love that for women but she was an outlaw who outsmarted the law, bounty hunters, and men in general for over 20 years in a dress. She wasn't going to start wearing pants now.

Of the gang (other than her wives) she actually gets along best with Uncle. Uncle and her are both regular bar flies at the pub Susan works at, trading stories of the old days and challenging each other to drinking games and being outraged at the discovery of having to pay for peanuts while Susan stares in admiration of her short queen and disgust at Uncle.

[our-lesbian-experience]

This got kinda long, but I wanted to see if anyone else could kinda relate to my experience? So yeah

it’s so weird realizing that I have even struggling with my sexuality this whole time without ever considering that I was lesbian until now.

I thought I was a late bloomer. Maybe I was in a boys are gross phase, while all my friends were starting ti be interested in guys. I even tried to make myself have a crush on one of my male friends that my mother shipped me with, by repeating “I have a crush on…” over and over in my mind. When that clearly wasn’t an option anymore, I thought I was extremely noncommittal, and something maybe was wrong with me (for the record there is absolutely nothing wrong with being on the aromantic spectrum this is just what I thought then). I was still kind of waiting for the interest in boys to show up.

I thought the reason I never got off to men in porn was because they weren’t sexualized in it. I thought if I watched straight porn and imagined it from the perspective of the guy and that did it for me, it’s not gay, because in the fantasy I’m the guy. I remembering one person saying they liked to read smut from the perspective of the other person and decided it was like that. Eventually, I convinced myself I might have a crush on a friend of mine(I was never ever sure, and I think part of me sort of knew the truth deep down but. It was very confusing.) who I knew liked me, because I’d feel uncomfortable and nervous around him because I knew he liked me, and I did enjoy the validation a little too. And I wanted to like him, and I didn’t realize that those weren’t the same things. Because I “liked him (maybe)” I tried to force myself to get off on men, because if i were to have sex, I couldn’t have sex with a woman (didn’t even think of it). Videos with men did nothing for me. Even the ones straight women recommended. Audios of men could go either way, but, at the end of the day I liked what was said, not…them. Even when I watched context that explicitly sexualized men, I told myself it was actually society’s fault that I wasn’t attracted to them, because we as a society didn’t sexualize men enough.

I did this a lot, actually. I thought maybe I wasn’t attracted to men because men were inherently un attractive, and I thought that they should rectify this by looking like women as much as possible (which for them would include performing femininity). I thought it was so unfair that women were so attractive and men weren’t, like it was a feminist issue (which, straight men really do need to fucking try but). Also that it was extremely unfair for men to want women to have sex with them, because having sex with a woman sounds amazing and having sex with a men sounds like a chore (heavy on this for oral sex too, I got disgusted by ever thinking about giving it to a man and it appealed me that there were men that wouldn’t date a woman who wouldn’t give it and also wouldn’t give it back when giving it to a woman sounds so much easier and not at all disgusting)

I thought maybe I had a really specific type, emo boys or long haired boys (it’s not lost in me that they’re also usually really androgynous, not that liking androgynous men is a lesbian thing but. Settling for am androgynous man?), and as soon as I met one I’d be head over heels. And then I met some. And nope. Still not attracted to them. And I also considered if I could be “split-asexual, like….asexual, but only towards men” and it never occurred to me that I could be a lesbian (I never even identified as bisexual, I did not acknowledge my attraction to women at all. I even convinced myself I just had a fetish for women at one point???) until I realized/admitted I really wasn’t into that male friend…and I talked to some of my queer friends..and yeah. Here I am now. I think I’m a lesbian. It’s quite weird that if I am (which…I probably am, I need to kinda sit on it for a minute I think and just let myself acknowledge that it’s a possibility for now because I’m still really getting used to that fact), I’ve been one this whole time…and I’ve distracted myself with all these other things.

i feel you with that first part, i never had crushes and i tried to convince myself that i liked my male friends often

i'm glad you're figuring out your identity!!

[guardr0ck]

Intro post I guess?

I always said I would never ever EVER let go of my old online handle because it was so unequivocally me and, while that is actually still true, the community that I cultivated there for over two decades no longer is. Even as a young tween when I first started posting online in '01, I had a very concrete grasp on what is fiction, and what is reality. I used the internet to connect specifically with other girls and young women who enjoyed the kind of strange fiction and games that I love; from fanart to RP to cosplay and everything in-between. I was born with major organ failure and a deformed body, so I had to get used to accepting my lot very quickly and at a very young age. Practicing radical acceptance, if you will. The notion that other women (and men too) didn't live with such a concrete divide between the real and unreal never occurred to me, as that level of delusion was nearly impossible for me to fathom at my young age. And, for a good while, the culture of fandom reflected this, as it was always understood, for example, that the person I was conversing with was just Kelly the fellow 19 year-old gal from Wisconsin, and not actually Dave Strider from our Homestuck RPs.

This notion was completely challenged when, circa 2011, my best friend found gender ideology on this very site.

At first I was accepting and tolerant, but it quickly shoved a wedge between myself and all my friends, for it was as if a contagious disease ravaged my entire extended friend group, all of whom were neurodivergent females. My close-knit friend group in real life all began identifying as some sort of trans. Soon followed my internet friend group as well. In both spaces it then spread even further to other extended female companions we had. Altogether, about twenty young women with whom I was close with, now identify as some flavor of trans, with a few of them currently suffering grave illness in their 30's due to complications from extensive testosterone use throughout their 20's. You can not tell me that this is not a social contagion, because IT FUCKING IS. I became a pariah because I refused to take T or id as "non-binary" (a make-believe, pseudo-spiritual identity with absolute 0 basis in reality). I became a pariah because of the simple "crime" of accepting myself as a lesbian.

I have been critical of trans ideology from the very get go, albeit in a "you do you, I do me" sort of way. If the individual was close to me or even clearly trying their best to assimilate and "pass" I was even cool with using their "preferred pronouns" no matter how wrong it felt. Live and let live, and all that. Honestly, I still AM like this towards TIPs who acknowledge that they aren't actually the opposite sex. You would think there would be no issue with that, but nah, I was met with comedically extreme resistance ("bigot"/"murderer"/"violence-promoter") for stating the simple fact that one can not actually change sex. I knew these accusations of bigotry were untrue words coming from disturbed minds (who needed help, not hormones...), but I was willing to forgive these egregious accusations on the grounds of "tolerance" and "being kind". However, in their minds I had to become a True and Honest Believer or else I was evil. Of course, they could never make me believe in the unreal, so I simply held my tongue and walked on eggshells with nearly every interaction, tying myself up in knots to please them.

This changed when I was sexually harassed (in real life and online) by multiple heterosexual trans-identified males for the crime of being a gay woman. "The right cock will fix you, as long as its wearing a frock." Legit the same shit coming from the hyper-religious right, but wrapped up in a glittery package complete with hideous make-up. Most of my friends sided with them, with the men threatening to "fix" me via heterosexual corrective rape.

All I have to say to that is: FUCK YOU.

I'm lucky to have made it to my 30's, and I'll be fucking damned before I let some delusional assholes continue to control how I act and feel. You only get one trip around this rock, and I'm done letting them invade my spaces online and threaten my safety in real life. Funny that, when all the lunatic jargon and double-speak is removed, this all boils down to straight (predominantly white) males trying to sexually dominate a profoundly disabled woman who doesn't want sex with them!

If you made it this far, congrats lol. PLEASE DO interact if you are a GC artist, but especially if you do fanart of HH or 80's/90's animation (especially lost media and foreign stuff). Please understand the characters and dynamics I find entertaining in fiction ARE NOT indicative of what I like irl!!!! I can never let go of "fandom" or being creative -- it's in my blood. Literally, I come from a family of artists. But I can't keep living in this bizarre upside down space where I am forced to kowtow to the delusions of every person who lives in a fantasy, and where I am encouraged to support blatantly narcissistic behavior at the expense of my own safety and happiness.

[chicknparm]

It's halfway through the year! Got any favorite albums/books/tv shows/whatever to recommend? (Congrats on the marriage btw ❤️)

Hi hi! I've finally remembered to answer this! So I'm terrible at keeping up with New Media so I'll just list some stuff I've been into lately, and mostly keep it to recent-ish things when I can.

Friends at the Table (Podcast) - Forever and always, this show rules. The best RPG Actual Play show, the best podcast, one of my favorite works of ongoing fiction. I fell off when Morv was here but I finally caught up and am current on Palisade, which means I'm now getting to dive back into Twilight Mirage. For you, Bri: Palisade and TM seem to have a lot in common to me. They're both sprawling, ambitious follow-ups to beloved sci-fi seasons, and they both have moments that absolutely knock my fucking socks off. But they're both also kind of inconsistent and took a while to get going imo? Even 50 episodes into both, I find myself tuning out a lot more easily during certain arcs where others have me glued to my headphones. Keeping some of the Partizan characters around has definitely prevented Palisade from dipping too far though, since I think that batch of characters might be my favorite from just about every player. Kalvin Brnine 4ever. For others who might be reading this: Other Actual Play shows have better production value, visual aids, professional voice acting, and might be easier to follow, but all the things that make Friends at the Table kinda hard to get into are the reasons why it rules, actually. It feels less like watching improv, and more like watching a writers' room for a TV show go to work. And that kind of thing is infinitely more interesting to me as a storyteller. I cannot get enough of "behind the scenes" type stuff where you see the process of crafting a story, and to have it be a main aspect of the show itself makes Friends at the Table a treat to watch. I promise you, you will not find cooler world-building or a greater commitment to narrative in any other show in the genre.

Street Fighter 6 (Game, lol) - The best fighting game on the market currently. I've started going to local tournaments and getting to know some of the competitive players in my city, and let me tell you there's nothing like it. It absolutely rules to feel myself get tangibly better at a skill, and not only celebrate it myself, but have other people celebrate with me. Hearing people cheer when I pull off something cool, and hearing them root for me against the better, more established players really dulls the pain when I (frequently) hit road blocks and feel bad about myself. I think fighting games are really cool, but finding your local Fighting Game Community is the absolute best way to experience community in video games and it's not even close.

This Could All Be Different (Novel) - Borrowed this from my beautiful, kind, iconic wife. It's a (seemingly loosely autobiographical) novel about a lesbian immigrant who finds herself struggling to find herself and find community after moving to Milwaukee for a decent (or so it seems) job. It started out kind of slow, and a little rough, but once it got its hooks in me it was in there fucking DEEP. I finished it within like 36 hours of picking it up for the first time, which is extremely rare for me. Maybe it's just been a while since I've read a good-ass novel but the craft with which the protagonist's arc was conveyed really knocked me on my ass in hindsight. We watch her grow, improve, face the consequences of her actions, learn to accept community and unlearn some toxic coping mechanisms, but none of it feels as hokey and contrived as it very easily could be. Her changes are almost never acknowledged by the story or narration, it's just something that happens. Hopeful but not saccharine. The love story is an integral part of both the plot and the characters' arc, but it is so far removed from the Fanfic Trope Zone that seems to have taken over the shelves of every bookstore near me that it should barely even be included in the pitch. Really challenged how I think about family, politics, community, and my own self-image in ways I was absolutely not expecting. Huge fan.

I Saw the TV Glow (Film) - I don't think I have anything to say about this that other people haven't already contributed. I did not Love this movie the way other people did, and it didn't Hit me the way it Hit almost everyone else I know. I was expecting to sob and walked away with dry eyes. But I've thought about it just about every day since I saw it. The tragic core of the film is something I absolutely recognize and find affecting, but I do not Relate to it the way that many others do. Due to how it came about there was basically no Denial phase in my realization of my gender. Well, maybe there was about the specifics, but the notion that I was Not Cis was basically immediately followed by hard conversations and coming out to friends and experimenting with presentation and pronouns and self-concept. I am not exaggerating even a little bit when I say that if I hadn't been too scared by the Creatures, and had watched Buffy, the Vampire Slayer when I was a kid I might have ended up in an extremely similar situation to this film's protagonist. If I had to grapple with identity in that way surrounded by the violently oppressive aspects of patriarchy that I was already victim to in school, I definitely would've buried it in the dirt. In my Letterboxd review I said that I had to talk myself into giving it more than 3 stars. I eventually succeeded, and I'm guessing I'll add more and more to that rating as I rewatch it over the years.

Um anyway that's what I'm thinking about at the moment, and that's what I've got the Brain Space to write up, thank you so much for this ask! It's always fun getting a prompt (even if unintentional) that forces me to put on my Critical Writer cap. And especially thank you for the congratulations, I married my Tumblr Crush and I couldn't be happier :') Thank God for Life is Strange.

[stardustedknuckles]

It's bedtime and I'm being very sappy, but I just came across a joke that my ex taught me, way back when, and it was good to have a reason to think of her and smile.

There's a great nothing where we used to be, and I feel like I recall the broad strokes and the bad details whenever I think of her. Her trauma and my unassuming arrogance in trying to help her, the nights she wouldn't reply to my texts because she knew I would stay awake terrified she'd hurt herself, the way the only thing she knew how to do with someone who cared for her was to manipulate them just to feel in control of something, and all I knew to do when I knew someone was trying to be better, when they wanted to be good and wanted me, was to stay with them - more importantly, to never give up being wanted by someone I wanted in return.

But the bad is never the whole story. And it's not excusing the fucked up little ball of issues we made together, but we wouldn't have fought so hard for us without the good. And she did teach me jokes and I did get her to sleep at my house that one time, early on, and I smiled up at my ceiling feeling floaty and warm while she slept because I was safe enough to fall asleep around when nobody else was, and she tried as hard as she knew how no matter what anyone else said. Of course she sucked at it. Of course I should've stood up for myself, of course it shouldn't have gone on for as long as it did. Neither of us even knew we were together until it was over and didn't find out we were lesbians for another five years after the end.

But she brought me to her dorm before I ever really understood the risk she was opening herself up to by having someone in a small and empty room alone, I clearly remember the first time she touched me (head on my shoulder) after months of me being careful not to touch her lest she jump out of her skin or start trembling, the paint speckled up her arms the first day of our class together, and the way it felt to have earned every morsel of her stunted and spiky affection. The nights we lingered in my driveway after she got in her car to leave, the cramps in my muscles after leaning for so long and how bright the stars always looked for all of those extra, stolen minutes. Her body weight across my lap while I threaded my fingers through her fine, fine hair (which I could probably still find attached to something, somewhere, even after 8 years). It was like becoming friends with a feral cat and I got scratched plenty. It's much healthier to read about than to live, I promise.

But it's okay to acknowledge that our explosive and often terrible attempts to care for each other were rooted in the earnest attempt to be good to and for the other, whatever our personal reasons why. And sometimes, many times, certainly more as the years went on, we succeeded. There's still nobody I would rather haunt that town with. Those moments of joy snatched from two conflicting kinds of broken shine all the brighter for the confusing mess of hormones and feelings and pasts we snatched them from. How it felt to be safety for someone who had never known it, to feel that sense of purpose before I was old enough to really understand why that was such a problem. I could go on until the sun comes up, but that's okay. Maybe one day I will. But for now I read that dumb little joke and, just for a second, I can remember how she smelled and the way the light that filtered through the old library windows poured over us like beams of honeyed time unspooling around us, the way I rolled my eyes and tried not to laugh lest I break the hush of the third floor - the wicked pride in her eyes, the surprise in them at discovering how much she liked that she made me laugh... and the smile it brings to me isn't bittersweet anymore.