#now i understand why my k-8 school said we should read at least 30 minutes a day.

[falllpoutboy]

https://x.com/fatfabfeminist/status/1704831795798155630?s=46

when teachers complain about students being passed on to the next grade when they’re obviously behind on grade level by two+ years/grades, why do parents automatically point their fingers at their teachers lmao?? yes students missed up to 1.5-2 years in face-to-face learning due to the pandemic and the remote learning policies depending on their location so now that they’re back for in-person learning like we’re just doing our job and teaching them to the best of our abilities, but due to the curriculum and the policies in place (depending on where you live obvs), we have no choice but to pass them on. teachers make attempts to bring attention to a student’s attendance and grades to their parents but if the parents can’t follow up on the emails we send, the phone calls we make, the voicemails we leave and the parent-teacher conferences requests we send, then that sends a clear message that you don’t care about your kids education beyond the bare fucking minimum.

we get it, parents are busy and have jobs and other priorities and every parent and student has a different story. but if your kid is 12 y/o and is in the 7th grade and is reading/writing at a 4th grade level, is incapable of reading a 200 page novel and goes straight to tiktok or to their ps5 immediately after school, then we are not the problem!!!

[sippin-on-red-wine]

High Tide | Chapter 5: You’re My Girl...

Title: High Tide, Chapter 5 | You’re My Girl... Author: @sippin-on-red-wine Rating: 17+, Mature (Sexy times) Word Count:  7,428 Author’s Note: I owe credit to @teddysphotos​ on IG for a photo I’ve used in this chapter. There’s also a bit of my original poetry here. 

Enjoy :0)

**Please like/re-blog!**

Previous Chapter

We had gotten home from our little trip to Portland the afternoon before. Both of us needed some actual sleep, and Ed said he had some stuff to work on, so we went our separate ways for the rest of the day. I did a little light cleaning and then binge-watched Season 3 of Sex & The City, falling asleep around 8:30 p.m. No shame.

I woke the next morning feeling really refreshed, and totally, hands-down, giddy. Ed seemed to handle me in all my neurotic, annoyingly drunk glory. Our physical chemistry was like nothing I had ever felt before, comparable to the likes of the teenage-hormone-fueled romanticism I had read about in books in high school.

I drove into town to pick up some groceries, needing to put together a few meals for Augie again. I flitted about the grocery store like I was on Cloud 9, smiling at everyone who crossed my path. My cart was overflowing in no time; I was distracted (daydreaming about Ed) and therefore tossed anything and everything in the cart.

Before I knew it, I was pulling back in my own driveway, my brain just totally running on auto-pilot at this point. I had loads of plastic bags, paper bags, and oddly shaped packages like a case of beer and some six-packs of soda. I was absolutely determined to make as few amount of trips into the house, loading up each arm and trying to balance shit on top of the bags.

Ed must have seen me stubbornly trying to fight the groceries, and came striding out of his front door.

“Need a hand, love?” Even just hearing his voice set those butterflies in my stomach off. It had been what, a whole 24 hours?

“Yes, please…”

He grabbed a couple of items that were precariously balancing in my arms, as well as the last couple of bags from the back of my Jeep, closing the hatch. He followed me into the foyer and down the hallway to the kitchen, depositing all of the groceries on the kitchen island.

“How are you today?” He asked. It was odd, he didn’t have that normal twinkle in his pretty blue eyes.

“I’m good, great, just about to throw some freezer meals together for Augie…” Still no reaction from Ed. “How are you?”

“So, I've got something to tell you, a couple things actually,” He said, his voice trailing off.

My heart instantly sank and fell into my stomach. Here it is, the other shoe.

“Okay…” was all I could reply. He pulled up a seat at one of the barstools across the island from me.

“There are photos, from last night, on the internet. You're in a lot of them.” His voice sounded small. He was looking down at his hands, as he literally twiddled his thumbs.

“Okay...and?”

He looked up at my face, finally.

“Ed, it's just a couple pictures, I don't get it?”

He leaned over, grabbing my laptop and firing it up. The air around us was silent, save for the occasional click or button press as Ed was apparently retrieving whatever photos were out there. He found it, turning the laptop around so that I could see.

ED SHEERAN’S SLOPPY REBOUND GIRL

There was a set of pictures from various stages of the night, one of us kissing at the concert. Another one of us walking from the theater to the loft. And several from in the bar, none too flattering. There I was, throwing back my drink while Ed chatted with the lead singer, Marc. Another shot of us on the dance floor, and the last one had been snapped from across the street as Ed had helped me out of the cab at the hotel. Not cute, K.

I could his feel his eyes on my face, watching for my reaction.

“I mean, to be fair, I was a bit sloppy?” I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“No, you were fine, and you’re not a rebound either, Kendra.”

“I know that, Ed.”

“It’s just better if you don’t read into all this,” He said, pointing at the laptop. “But I know that’s easier said than done. It’s… been, ah, a kind of a pitfall for me in all of my prior relationships.”

Relationship. The word echoed around in my brain, as if he had shouted it in a dark cave. I wasn’t used to it quite yet.

“I don't want for you to see this stuff, Kenn. People will have a lot of nasty things to say about you.”

“It's okay. I can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t have to handle anything. It's not fair that you have to deal with this.”

I walked around the island and sidled up in the stool next to him, rubbing the top of his thigh in an attempt to reassure him. “Hey, it’s okay. Really, Ed. Don't worry about me. I want to be with you and I understand what that involves.” At least, I think I do.

He brought his fingers up to brush the hair off my face. “Don’t want to fuck this up.” He muttered, his features still solemn.

“Wait… was there something else? You said a ‘couple of things’?”

“Yeah. I talked to my Mum and Dad earlier today and they, ah, want me to come home and see them before...”

“Before you go back on tour.” I finished for him. “I think that’s great, Ed. You should definitely spend some time with your family. Please don’t ever feel bad about doing so, not on my account.”

“I just.. I like what we have, here.” He said, barely above a whisper. And our time is dwindling. We were both thinking it, but neither of us wanted to make it real by speaking the words out loud. He laced his fingers into mine, holding our hands in his lap.

“Me, too, Teddy. But I’ll be here when you get back.”

He pulled my face in closer to him, with his free hand, resting his forehead on mine. He wet his lips, then leaned in for a sweet, light kiss.

“Do you really have your shit this together, or are you just putting on a brave face for me, love?” He asked.

“Eh, it’s about 80/20 at this point.” I said, giggling. Ed laughed too.

Our lips joined again, and again, Ed leaving sweet little kisses on my lips. The tension was just starting to lift.

“Kenn… can I ask you something?” His eyes flitted up to mine for assurance. I nodded. “Do you ever spend time with your parents?”

Aaaaaand there it is.

“Okay, I’ll just say it fast. My Dad left. When I was little, really little. Because of that, my Mom worked a lot. She had to, to provide for my Brother & I. But it meant that she missed a lot of stuff, and we were never super close because of it. After… you know, I wanted to buy her anything and everything she had always wanted. Who wouldn’t? Especially since she had worked so hard for us to get by. But it hasn’t made our relationship any better. It was just like everyone else, she only made time for me when she needed or wanted something. Now she travels a lot, and we talk on the phone a few times a month. I usually see her a couple times a year.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. I could see him trying to find the right words.

“Ed, it’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. It is what it is, and I’ve accepted it.”

“Come here.” He set his wineglass down on the counter and circled over to me. He gently took the glass from my hand and set it, too, down. He took my hands and pulled me off the barstool, drawing me into his chest.

He held me really tightly, his chin coming to rest on the top of my head. I wrapped my arms around his chest, squeezing him back.

“I'm sorry, love.” He kissed the top of my head.

“S’ok, Teddy.”

“It's really not. But I'm glad you told me.”

He broke our embrace and headed back to the counter, emptying more brown grocery bags. I jumped in to help, too.

“So, when are you going home?” I asked, happy to turn the conversation back to him.

“Um, well, I haven't got a flight yet but I was thinking maybe tomorrow. Would you mind taking me to the airport?”

“Sure, of course.”

He set down the cans of soup he had taken out of a bag, closing the gap between us in two strides, and pulled me in to hug him again.

“We're good, right, love?”

I eyed his perfect pink lips, little lines of concern etched across his face. I reached up, fingering the little curls that I knew were lying at the base of his neck on the other side. “Yes, Teddy, we’re good.”

“You're my girl, you know.” His hands grasped my waist, pulling me nearer to his body.

You're my girl. Three words had me weak at the knees.

I was also suddenly feeling weak in….other places.

I looked up at Ed through my full eyelashes. A wave of desire crashed over me, suddenly needing to touch and be touched.

I dragged my fingertips down, over his chest, putting on my best bedroom eyes. I swiftly tucked my hand under the hem of his t-shirt and started futzing with his belt buckle, trying to unclasp it.

“Kendra… I, Oh God, I hate to say this, but I've got a call with Stu and the label in 15 minutes,” He was nearly breathless, eyeing the kitchen clock behind me.

“I can work with fifteen minutes, Ed…” I said, biting my bottom lip.

My suggestion left him frenzied. He grabbed at my jaw, pulling me in for a fervid kiss, hot and wet and messy. He hoisted me up on the kitchen counter and I instantly wrapped my legs around his waist, drawing him in.

“No.” He said, suddenly, pulling away. “I want to take my time with you…” and his mouth was on mine again, softer this time, his hands on my shoulders. “Why don't you come over in about an hour, love?” He left a little nip under my ear, knowing full well how wild that made me.

I made the most of the hour I had to get ready before heading next door to Ed’s. I rinsed off in a hot shower, using the peppermint body wash I knew he loved. I toweled off and headed to my walk-in closet to find something to wear.

I settled on a matching bra & thong set, both an exquisite black lace. But what to wear over it? I took a swig from my glass, finishing the room temperature port. Hmmm. Teddy’s going out of town for a few days… fuck it. I pulled on a pair of strappy black stilettos and headed downstairs to my front closet, selecting a long, khaki-colored fall jacket. I cinched the belt pretty tightly around my waist and shut the lights out in my kitchen, grabbing the open bottle of wine and heading next door.

I popped in Ed’s access code on the little keypad and swung the heavy oak door forward. I closed it quietly behind me, listening for the sound of Ed’s voice -- aha, he was in the small study just off of the kitchen. He must be finishing up his conference call.

My heels click-clacked as I walked across the hardwood floors depositing the wine bottle on the kitchen counter. I peeked into the study, Ed sitting at the executive desk, his laptop and an office phone in front of him. It was on speakerphone, a couple of guys talking about setting up promos or something. Ed looked up at me in the doorway, then back down at the phone, looking for the mute button. He hit it and turned his eyes back towards mine and waved. “Hey! We’re almost through here, couple more minutes, love,”

He waved to me. Fucking *waved*. You do NOT know what you’re in for, Sheeran.

I looked right at him, the corners of my mouth tugging upward into a grin. I unclasped the buckle of the belt, letting the coat fall open.

Talk about a captive audience.

I shrugged the coat off my shoulders, letting it fall to the ground in a puddle around my stiletto-clad feet. Sure, maybe it was cliche, but judging by the rosy tone flooding Ed’s cheeks…. He liked it.

“Ed?? Did you get that?” A gruff voice floated out of the speakerphone. I watched him panic, trying to find the button to ‘unmute’ himself, hitting about five other buttons in the process. He finally found it, jamming it down.

“Yup, yeah, got it.” He stammered, his eyes never leaving me.

I slowly, deliberately turned around and sauntered away from the study, feeling his eyes on me the entire way.

I walked into the kitchen, opening the cupboard doors in search of two wine glasses. I could hear Ed in the study, still, frantically trying to end his phone call.

“Yeah mate, we’ll talk to you in a few days, sounds good, take it easy.” It was obvious that he was in a rush.

I poured myself a glass of wine, listening to Ed sit up from the office chair and pad his way out of the room. I was facing away from the study door, all of my weight shifted onto one hip, my ankles crossed.

“You look…..fuck,” He growled as he closed the gap between us, coming up behind me. He took the glass right out of my hand and set it back down on the counter, then quickly turned me around to face him. “The hell is this?” He asked, a sly smile on his face.

I unbuttoned the top of the plaid flannel shirt he was wearing. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to disturb your very important business call…” I let my voice trail off.

He wasn’t even touching me yet and I could feel myself getting wet, based purely on the way Ed was ravishing me with his eyes.

“Upstairs…. Now, please,” The words fell out of his mouth. He was clearly still trying to figure out how to play this. I happily obliged, walking past him toward the staircase. He followed me to the base of the stairs and then just stood there, staring, as I carefully took each step slowly, my hand floating along the railing.

When I was almost to the top, he began his ascent, a quiet intensity in the air between us. I felt like prey being stalked, in the best possible way. I reached the top of the stairs and continued my slow walk to the end of the hallway when Ed surprised me by swiftly picking me up, one arm under my ass, the other arm across the center of my back. He carried me through the doorway of the master bedroom and deposited me carefully just inside.

“I can walk, you know,” I said, feigning disapproval.

“You might not be able to when I'm through with you,” he shot back.

Oh...okay.

He sat on the edge of the bed and unbuttoned his red and black flannel shirt, quickly discarding it on the floor.

“Come here, I want you in my lap.”

I climbed in, perpendicular to him so that both of my legs stretched out on the bed, away from his right hip. I wrapped my right arm around his neck to steady myself. His left arm was supporting my lower back, his fingers wrapping around my ribcage to keep me steady. His right hand was trailing up and down my legs. He spread his legs apart a bit to better balance my weight in his lap. His cock was hard, already, I could feel it's rigid outline through his dark denim jeans, solid against my ass.

He tilted his head down to kiss me, while his free hand continued roaming my body. He rubbed up my tummy, and over my lace bra-clad breasts. His hand wandered down my sides, rubbing my hip and gliding over the tops of my thighs. He trailed down to my ankle and back up the inside of my leg this time. This slow, torturous touch building up a fire within me. I wanted it hard and fast, everything at once. Ed clearly had other ideas.

He slipped his hand between my thighs, separating them a bit. He toyed with my slit over the top of my panties, touching me ever so lightly.

“Show me how you touch yourself,” he commanded, softly. Holy Fuck.

I slipped my left hand past the elastic of my panties and glanced up at Ed. He was watching so intently, his right hand resting between my thighs. I used my middle finger to draw little circles over my clit, undulating my hips just lightly, rubbing over his rock-hard cock.

“Fuck, baby,” he whispered. He brushed his fingertips over my lace panties, then pushed them to the side, sinking his middle finger into me. I leaned back, opening up my hips a bit more, still precariously perched in his lap. I kept up the stimulation on my clit, rubbing messy circles as he thrust a second finger inside me, the heel of his hand resting on my slit, just below where I was rubbing. His watchful eyes on my body was such a huge turn-on.

His calloused fingertips stroked my walls, his knuckles slipping in and out of my wet opening. He picked up the tempo, his thrusts playing a perfect staccato on my glistening nether regions.

“More -- more, baby,” I sputtered.

“What do you say, love?”

“Please, Teddy?”

He stayed at the exact same pace. “Please, what, Kendra?”

Oh fuck this is such a turn-on.

“Please, baby, I need to come..”

“Not yet, love...I need to taste you,” He rasped.

Ed…………

I probably could have come right then and there, with Kendra in her black lace underthings, splayed across my lap, her hand down her panties. She wriggled and squirmed under my touch, her feet adorned in those shiny black heels that just screamed “Fuck me.”

But I meant what I had said earlier, I wanted to take my time with her. I wanted to taste her, feel her thighs wrap around my neck...

I withdrew my fingers from her dripping hole, patting her slit a couple of times. “Teddyyy…..” she whined. I tucked my right arm under her knees and picked her up, cradling her against my body. I turned her and laid her back down on the bed, so that her hips and ass were lined up with the edge of the bed.

Her panties were soaked, I knew, so I hooked my thumb through the waistband and started to tug them off. “These are just wrecked, love, they gotta go…” I swear she blushed. Gorgeous girl turns up in a fucking trench coat with nothing on underneath, drops it to the floor and stands in front of me, a cocky grin on her face. And she's blushing because her panties are wet? Fuck.

I pulled the thin fabric down over her toned legs, carefully tugging them over her high heeled shoes. I dropped to my knees in front of her, taking her knees and resting them over my shoulders. She moaned in anticipation.

I kissed and nibbled at the inside of her thighs a bit before sinking into her velvet folds, licking straight up the entire length of her slit. Her pelvis rocked, her thighs clenched, and she brought her hands up to run through my hair.

Kendra………..

Ohmygod. His tongue…

I glanced down at the fiery mop of hair between my legs. Ed was bare chested, kneeling before me. He was eagerly lapping at my slit, groaning into me, the vibrations lighting up every nerve ending I had down there. I kept one hand in his hair and grabbed a fistful of the duvet with my other -- I had been so close before Teddy had declared he “NEEDED” to taste me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on long at this rate.

His mouth flitted over my opening, tongue-fucking in and out of me. “Fuck,” I breathed, the sensation taking me by surprise.

I crossed my ankles behind his head, careful not to drag the spiky stilettos on his skin. My fingers raked through his beautiful golden-red curls, pulling him even further into me.

He broke contact, peeking up at me. All I could see were his beautiful blue eyes - a glow from the flames in the corner fireplace dancing across them in the reflection. “...you taste so. fucking. good…” he growled, then immediately painted a long, slow stripe all the way up my slit. He pulled away once more, “...love it when you clench your thighs around my neck…”

I fucking lost it, pulling his hair and tilting my head back, throat pushed up to the ceiling, moaning openly. He liked the praise, moving his mouth to focus solely on loving on my clit. He tongue throbbed against my little pink bud, pulsing over it -- and I clenched even harder. My ass was balanced on the edge of the bed, which he was supporting with both hands. But he shifted his grip so that his thick thumb sunk right into my opening.

The steady rhythm of his tongue pulsing over my clit combined with the way his knuckle felt twisting inside me, dragging circles around my opening… it was too much.

“Teddy!” I cried out, bucking up into his face, crashing hard, electricity flooding every vein in my body.

Ed lapped up my juices as I floated down from my climax, my nerves positively singing. As always, he finished with a big, sloppy kiss on my sensitive clit.

He left a little trail of kisses up my tummy, running his hands up my sides as he rose up from my the floor. He wandered up to my breasts, kissing the seam where the soft flesh met the black lace bra.

“God, that was sooo, so good…” I lazed out. His mouth was on my neck, not even kissing anymore but just dragging his perfect pink lips over my skin, sending a fresh round of goosebumps down my spine.

He dropped a kiss, then, on my jawline. “You… are… so… beautiful, baby,” each pause was punctuated by another kiss.

His pelvis was pressed up against my center now, the rough denim atop his hard cock rubbing up against my pussy. I glanced down at the point of action, then glanced back up to meet Ed’s eyes. No words necessary.

He leaned off of me and stood up straight next to the edge of the bed. He picked up the heel of one of my shoes, bending and then straightening my leg so it was facing up towards his neck. He turned his head to the side, kissing my ankle, and patted his flat hand over my slit again.

He bent my knee back down and went after the little buckle around my ankle, freeing my foot of the spiky stiletto. He repeated the process on the other side, more pats over my pussy, unstrapping my other shoe.

He bent both knees back, laying my feet flat on the bed, my whole core fully exposed to him. He took a step back, his gaze locked in on me, there.

“...such a pretty pussy,” he said, under his breath. He was unclasping his belt buckle now, then the button of his jeans, peeling the denim & his fitted black boxers down and off in one fell swoop. His cock sprung free, practically throbbing, aching to be touched. He palmed it, giving it a few quick strokes.

“Fuck me, Teddy.” I said, breathlessly. He moved in closer, slapping his rigid length on my mound, his hips already making little thrusting motions

“Ah, you’ve seem to have forgotten your manners all of a sudden,” He had a devilish grin on his face, bastard. 

“Will you please fuck me, now, Teddy?” I went the extra mile, batting my eyelashes at him.

Apparently he’s got a manners kink, I thought, as he sunk the head of his dick into my slick opening.

He drew in a sharp breath, biting his bottom lip. Ed leaned over me, tucking his forearms underneath me, between my shoulder blades. He slowly pulled me up, lifting me off the bed. I wrapped my legs around his waist as drew me into his chest, his hands on my ass cheeks, suspending me in mid air. My arms snaked up around his neck and I kissed him, imploring his mouth, tasting myself on his tongue.

He lowered me on to his cock, slowly, his sheer strength taking me by surprise as he manipulated my body weight like it was nothing. “Is this okay, Kenn?” He asked, drawing my attention back up to his beautiful face.

I kissed him again, and we locked eyes. “Yes, baby.” His eyes bore into mine, neither of us blinking, as he lowered me the rest of the way onto his cock. That feeling of being so full, his hard dick buried to the hilt in my sweet pink flesh, there was...nothing else like it.

I threw my head back and groan escaped my lips. Ed's hips came to life, bucking up into me, his hands still holding me firmly in place. He thrust in and out of me a few times, his eyes now trained on the disappearing and reappearing act in front of him.

“God, Teddy, your cock is so fucking big...you fill me up so good…” My voice was low and throaty now, my breath shallow.

He took a few steps to the right and pushed me up against the wall, freeing his hands from my ass. He pinned my wrists above my head and started fucking in and out of me, the wall now supporting most of my weight. “D’you like this, baby? You said you wanted to be fucked, do you like when I fuck you so good like this, Kendra?”

“Yes -- ohmygod, don't stop, Ed,” His skin was already showing a light layer of sheen from the exertion.

His thrusts were hard, sharp, Ed was groaning again. There was something about the combination - his pelvis bone pressing into my clit, the sheer friction of our centers coming together, Ed’s colorful arms pinning my wrists above my head, restraining my sense of touch. The fire was back, low in my belly, a warmth flooding my core. “Oh, fuck, I think I’m --”

Ed was at my neck, breathing up into my ear, “Yeah? You going to come all over my cock?” He gave me one last thrust, the thick head of his cock hitting my back wall, the pressure on my clit imploding, and that was all she wrote. He was buried in me, holding perfectly still, as my muscles clenched down around him, my torso rigid, eyes clamped down shut.

He released my wrists, placing his hands back under my ass and carried me back to the bed. He climbed atop the mattress, laying me down in the center of the bed. He propped a fluffy pillow up under my bottom, elevating my hips a bit. He was sat back on his heels, stroking his cock again, his free hand trailing over my stomach.

He lined up at my entrance and pushed in once more, a whole new angle. His strokes were slower now, his left hand splayed out just over my belly button, his right hand holding my thigh against his side. I arched my back, moaning again. Ed's breathing was shallow, ragged. I tilted up my hips to meet him with every pass, arching my back to give as much friction as I could.

His eyes were closed, his lips parted slightly. “I'm so close, baby,” he whispered.

“Mmmm, Teddy, will you come for me? Please, baby?” My hands rubbed his fuzzy thighs, my heels digging into his ass. He leaned over me, fucking into me just slightly faster. His eyes opened, finding mine. I watched his face tense up briefly, then come completely undone.

“Fuck,” he sputtered, throwing his chest over mine, burying his face in the crook of my neck as he thrust into me one last time, his hips stuttering into mine.

I toyed with the tendrils of hair plastered down to his neck with sweat, and leaned over to kiss the side of his face that was exposed. I Love You was in my mouth, but I held it there. Lock it up, K.That's just a thing cause we both just came and..like...hormones or brain chemicals or something. Get it together.

He lifted his neck and kissed me sweetly on the lips. He found my right wrist and rubbed it where he had been holding me up against the wall. A faint look of concern traced his features. “I'm sorry, I got a bit carried away, did I hurt you?”

“No, baby,” I assured him. “That was...good. So good.”

He lifted himself off of me, sitting back on his heels, still between my legs, his softening cock finally pulling out. I could feel his fluids running down my thigh. “Kendra… can I, um, help clean you up?” He asked, his eyes transfixed once again on my pussy. He reached out, running his fingers over my entrance, rubbing in the little puddle of mess he had left there. “Stay here, I'm going to fill up the bathtub.” He crept across the bedroom, flicking on the bathroom lights and disappeared from my line of sight. I heard the water start to run.

I rolled over onto my side, unclasping and removing my bra, ruminating over the events of today. Peaks and valleys. Ed, a sorrow-soaked voice, “I've got something to tell you.” Flash forward, me spitting out my little family so story, avoiding eye contact. The way he had pulled me in, not knowing what to say, just kissing the top of my head. “You're my girl,” And later, his voice dropping low and raspy in his throat… “Upstairs... Now, please.” Unff.

His head peeked into the doorframe. “'S ready, love,” and so I snap out of my little daydream, pushing those thoughts back out of my mind, and head into the bathroom.

He's got the bright fluorescents switched off, a nice, soft, warm light spilling out from the ceiling right above the corner whirlpool tub. It's dimmed, I think. The bath is maybe halfway full of water, white frothy bubbles abundant on the surface.

“Here, love,” He extended out a hand, offering me a hair tie. I flashed him a puzzled look. “You left this on my nightstand a while ago, so I just put it in here with your toothbrush and things.” Major swoon.

I gathered up all of my dark hair and secured it in a fast, messy bun on top of my head. Ed eased himself into the warm, bubbly bath, sitting up against the back of the tub. The water rose up, covering all the beautiful colors of his belly. I swung a leg over the edge, testing the water with just my foot. It was hot, but not scalding, so I settled in under the water, sitting between Ed's legs, my back pressed against his chest.

He leaned forward, wrapping his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. “This is nice, love..” his voice trailed off.

“Mmmm, mhm,” I reply.

Ed reached over and grabbed a bright green loofah and a bar of soap. “Sorry, I didn't grab any of that fruity crap soap that you love.” He dipped the loofah into the bath water and soaped it up, his hands working in front of me still. I leaned back further into him, resting my head on his shoulder, exposing my neck. He tilted down and left a kiss, there, on my throat. His hands worked in tandem, one with the loofah running lazy circles down my front, his other hand following, rinsing the soap with water from the tub.

He repeated the process, sudsing up the loofah and running it over every part of me, taking special care to wash between my thighs. We didn't speak, Ed just hummed a kind of haunting melody in my ear as the water splashed and ran and glided down my skin.

I closed my eyes, savoring this intimate moment, resting my hands on Ed’s knees on either side of me.

We sat there in the bath together until the water was no longer warm. Ed got out first, swadling his hips in a towel, and helped me out of the tub.

He wrapped me up in a big, fluffy bath towel and kissed my forehead. I followed him back into the bedroom and watched as he walked back into the bedroom, opening a dresser drawer and pulling out a few things.

“Plaid, or penguins?” He asked, holding out two pairs of fuzzy pajama pants.

“Penguins, please.” He reached back in the dresser and grabbed a t-shirt for me.

We got dressed and headed back downstairs, getting cozy on the sofa. Ed flicked on the TV, channel surfing until he found a Harry Potter movie playing. “Brilliant,” he muttered. I laid down across the couch with my head in his lap, his hand coming down to absentmindedly stroke my hair.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, love, but I've booked my flight home...it's for tomorrow afternoon. Do you mind driving me?”

“‘Course not.” I replied back. I thought back to several weeks prior when we had gone together to the same airport to drop off his friends, Ed holding my hand in the car, how nervous it had made me. Just that simple touch. Wow, a lot had happened in the weeks since then. I tried to imagine it: dropping Ed off, instead, and driving home alone. I suddenly felt like I might throw up. God, how did I get here? It's only a few days, this time. He leaves. He's leaving. It's part of the deal and you knew it since the beginning. Imagine how it feels for him. Act cool.

He stroked my hair while I stared straight ahead at the television, his eyes down on me. Before long, I was out

“I've got my iPad, so I'll email or Skype you when I land, okay babe?” He leaned in and left a peck on my cheek. “I haven't booked a ticket home yet, but I’ll be back in a few days, love.”

“Okay, baby.” I squeezed his hand. “No rush.”

He let go of his suitcase handle and pulled me in for a kiss, my arms threading up and around his neck. His arms were wrapped around my ribcage as we kissed. He lifted me up then, grabbing me under my bottom and hoisting me up. I squeezed my legs around his waist and laughed as he spun us in circles.

“There's that smile I love,” He said, grinning at me.

I cupped his face in my hands and pressed a sweet kiss onto the tip of his nose. “Thanks, Teddy.”

He lowered me to the ground, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and grabbed his suitcase handle. “See you soon, baby.” and he turned and walked toward the door.

My brain was on total auto-pilot the entire drive home, my thoughts just racing. I had time to actually sit back and reflect at the happenings of the last several weeks.

Ed had burst on the scene, totally altering my lifestyle and routine. I wouldn't say I had been a hermit before Ed, but I did spend a lot of time in solitude. I thought back to when I had first moved out East. I had rented a little studio apartment downtown above one of the eclectic gift shops that charmed tourists all summer long. It was the first time I had a space of my own. It was all original, scuffed hardwood floors and exposed brick; very quaint. I had filled it with green plants and mirrored furniture pieces and soft textiles. I'd been a 'routine’ person my whole life and quickly fell into one after moving in. I'd start my day at the Copper Rock, a cozy coffee shop that served the best iced chai lattes of all time. I'd read the paper, or try to write, or browse the internet on my laptop. I would usually head to the gym next, trying different group classes each day of the week and always ending my workouts with a few minutes in the steam room. I'd shower at the gym and throw my damp hair up in a bun, apply a little mascara and lip gloss and then drive inland toward town to pick up some groceries, usually ingredients for a recipe I had found online earlier in the day. When afternoon started to turn to evening, I craved the ocean. I'd drive to the beach, or sit on a pier in the bay, maybe do some more writing.  I wrote a lot, back then, it was really therapeutic for me, the only way I could really deal with the guilt I had about leaving my whole life behind.

There was a pub on the same block as my little studio that I frequented most evenings. Different faces every night, with so many people coming and going. And then there was Augie. He had been my first friend in Maine. We'd order blueberry beers and talk about whatever shit program was playing on the TV behind the bar. We became fast friends, despite the 40 or so year age gap.

Eventually I bought the house, moving out of my little apartment downtown. Augie and I started the Whale Watch company. My routine changed, but I always kept one. Spending so much time on my own really made me independent. I had been such a “people pleaser” before, never feeling truly happy. When I moved out here I was forced to really get to know myself and grow to like that person. My solitude, time to reflect, my writing - it helped me become slightly more selfish, which I actually really needed. I spent time learning new things or traveling on my own. Over time I grew to actually like my own company.

And then, him.

It was strange, that's for sure, to be going home and knowing that he wasn't going to pop over for dinner or a game of cards. If this is going somewhere, this is just a glimpse of what your life will look like. Those moments with him, exploring new places, singing along to the radio, dancing barefoot in the kitchen or sitting out by the beach bonfire… those will be the exceptions, not your norm. Maybe that's okay. Maybe this will work. This is your normal life, being alone, with some really, really good stuff sprinkled in here and there.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I missed the exit for home. I had to drive up to the next one and turn around, but eventually I was back home and pulling into my driveway.

I set my Spotify to shuffle and spent a few hours in the kitchen prepping, cooking, and cleaning up. I went for a run. I sorted out all of the shorts and tanktops in my closet and put them away for the winter. It felt like it had been days since Ed left, when in fact it was just a half dozen hours or so.

Just then, my phone Ping!’d

*Hi, love. Just landed safely. Had a lovely dream about you during my nap ;-)  x Ed

I smiled, reading the words he had painstakingly tapped out on his iPad just for me.

The next couple of days were a blur. I kept myself really busy so that I didn't have time to think. Ed had sent another message to me the next day:

To: AKBtours89@gmail.com From: ecs915@gmail.com Sent: October 5th, 2017 4:33 P.M.

Subject:  Missing you

Wish you were here, x Teddy

Silly boy, I thought.

Seeing his face come through on my little screen definitely broke any resolve I had mustered up.

I was curled up on the couch, drinking wine and watching old reruns of Parks & Rec to try to lighten my mood. I glanced at the clock, it was nearly dinner time, but I had no appetite. I clicked the television off, heading upstairs to my bedroom. I crawled into bed, smelling faint traces of Ed’s cologne on my sheets. Evening was just starting to fall outside, but with my curtains drawn, it may as well have been midnight in my room. I closed my eyes and dozed off.

I woke up around 1 a.m., fully rested of course because I had gone to sleep before dusk. That was stupid.

I had woken from a dream about him, but the details were already fading fast, and I couldn't recall what had been happening. All I could see was his fiery mop of red curls and ocean blue eyes peeking out from the thick frame of his glasses.

I felt melancholy, missing him, which then made me feel guilty for missing him after such a short time apart.

I grabbed my cell from the nightstand and opened up his email, staring at the silly grin on his face.

It was probably a combination of the nostalgia I had been feeling about my first few months out East, coupled with the feelings for Ed I had been grappling with, plus just missing him in general, but I felt the urge to write.

I opened a new message, and fired off a reply to him:

To: ecs915@gmail.com From: AKBtours89@gmail.com Sent: October 6th, 2017 1:31 A.M.

Subject: Re: Missing you

Wildfire

I feel his gaze, his delicate touch I'm lighting up from a simple brush It catches quickly, my skin ignites Was it a dream? Were you really here tonight?

You touched me once, that's all it took This blaze spreading farther with every look He's got that wildfire wonder in his eyes-of-blue His stare consumes me through & through

Can the heat be contained? My heart, up in flames Take me now, leave me never This burn will linger forever

I hit 'Send’ and threw back the covers, hopping out if bed. I decided to go downstairs to my office and curl up on the settee with the new Elin Hilderbrand novel I had picked up.

Ping! I had a new Skype IM from Ed.

*Just got home from the pub. The gang says hello. Got your email. That was beautiful, love, wots it from? Why are you awake right now?

*It's from me, you goof. Can't sleep. Missing you….

I had deleted and re-typed the 'missing you’ several times before deciding to leave it and hit send. I didn't want him to think I couldn't handle being apart, but the emotional side of my head won out in that battle.

I waited for him to ping me back, staring down absentmindedly at my little screen. Several minutes passed by with no response, and so I am left to assume that Ed passed out… which would make sense, as it was nearly six in the morning there.

I set the phone down and went back to my book. A little while later, the notification sound went off again, and I picked up the cell to see this e-mail notification come through:

To: AKBtours89@gmail.com From: BA.CustSrvcs@email.ba.com Sent: October 5th, 2017 5:53 A.M.

Subject: Your Order # 70391830

Dear Customer,

This is a confirmation that your order has been successfully placed.

Booking Reference: 9CIPWF

DEPARTURE DATE & TIME / OCT 6TH, 2017, 3:10PM

DEPARTING / BANGOR, ME

TOTAL PRICE / 799 GBP

The flight number and the seat number can be located in the lower part of the ticket.

An electronic copy of the ticket can be downloaded from our website: https://www.britishairways.com/travel/ticket/download_ticketaspx?flight_id=9CIPWF&order_id=70391830

This email is intended solely for the addressee(s) and the information it contains is confidential.  

- Thanks for reading!

[nearlyhuman]

I didn’t even make this a read more you’re just gonna have to scroll or press j

2: Age? 24 3: 3 Fears? alienating people I want to like me, going to school when i should have not, not going to school when i should have 4: 3 things I love? Vegetables, girls who i don’t know but then they invade my personal space, taking long walks almost every night of the summer 5: 4 turns on? they’re personal 6: 4 turns off? baby talk, the word “daddy,” self-consciousness, physical pain 7: My best friend? my fam, J + K, my boyfriend 8:Sexual orientation? they say its a spectrum but so far i haven’t ever wanted to do a girl  9: My best first date? i don’t remember what my first official date with R was but definitely not the other guy so I guess the other other guy who is married now. or there was one that wasn’t a REAL date but it was KIND of a date but it really wasn’t but that one might win  10: How tall am I? huge 11: What do I miss? Knowing my place 12: What time was I born? @ night 13: Favourite color? going to be honest the truth is i never understand this question and it doesn’t really make sense to me and that’s why the answer always changes... green... gold... pink... black... idk 14: Do I have a crush? idk if i’m supposed to say yes but i’ve been w/ my bf for years now i think it’s something other than a crush by now 15: Favourite quote? I don’t have one over all but one I recently read that I love is this: “Malcolm X never lived to see the government fall but the state he opposed made him a stamp. And that's the best you can hope for if you never give up - your enemies will teach your corpse to dance.” Pat the Bunny. 16: Favourite place? lately it’s been the inner harbor at night 17: Favourite food? lately it’s been a tray of peaches we got at TJ’s 18: Do I use sarcasm? Only when I shouldn’t, like when i’m pissed off and being a baby about it 19: What am I listening to right now? R taking medicine lol 20: First thing I notice in a new person? it probably depends on the person, but i usually look at their face and try to figure out if they’re nice, mean, or bland, etc 24: Favourite style of clothing? to this day the only person i think i ever knew that i had strong feelings about how they dressed was when two brothers at the pizza place where i worked just wore the same 3 shirts over and over and over and the same pants and shoes every day. I also like other famous people who also wear the same thing every day. 25: Kiss someone that starts with the letter “R”? i have ONLY kissed people with the first initial R 27: Meaning behind my URL? I used to feel like I didn’t have the right feelings like a normal person, but then i went to therapy for a while and now i’m pretty fine with my feelings, but i still like my url and don’t feel like putting in the effort to find something i like better 29: Favourite song? i don’t have one atm but i guess one foot on the gas one foot in the grave has been #1 for a couple years, before that it was hypocrite cte 30: Favourite band? anything toh kay touches 31: How I feel right now? annoyed that i have to be in school 32: Someone I love? my old boss malick 33: My current relationship status? w/ R 34: My relationship with my parents? i’m not in a therapy session so i don’t have to answer 35: Favourite holiday? Valentine’s Day?  36: Tattoos and piercing i have? just ear lobes 37: Tattoos and piercing i want? I really don’t want any and I don’t want to say my tattoo ideas here anyway 38: The reason I joined Tumblr? I was trying to learn how to talk genuinely w/o any of my friends saying i was experiencing normal teen rebellion 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? yes 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? no 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? no 42: When did I last hold hands? a couple days ago i think 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 10 minutes if i’m trying 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? monday for class 45: Where am I right now? bedroom 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? deborah 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? both 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? no 49: Am I excited for anything? doing potluck movie nights 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? EVERYTHING? you can never tell someone EVERYTHING you think about them, so that always ruins it 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? I don’t work in customer service anymore 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? when i got to chemistry lab earlier today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i would be so confused lol 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? yes 55: What is something I disliked about today? all of the school 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? davey mac 57: What do I think about most? school, anarchism, acne, friendships 58: What’s my strangest talent? yesterday my kind-of mentor said i was his mentor 59: Do I have any strange phobias? no 60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? i definitely don’t want to be behind it but i only MIGHT want to be in front of it 61:What was the last lie I told? don’t remember 62:Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? phone, don’t have to worry about angles 63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? No ghosts, no opinion on aliens 64:Do I believe in magic? No and i find it really irritating when people do 65:Do I believe in luck? idk what that means, i guess not 66:What’s the weather like right now? i’m inside 67:What was the last book I’ve read? i’m in the middle of Walden and Conquest of Bread 68:Do I like the smell of gasoline? yesss 69:Do I have any nicknames? yes but very few people use them 70:What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? none 71:Do I spend money or save it? save 72:Can I touch my nose with a tongue? no 74:Favourite animal? James 75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM? watching TV 77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? when nirvana comes on the radio 78:How can you win my heart? talk to me often and about stuff i like, or have that Mysterious Something, or do vlogs 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? i’d be ashamed of myself if i had actually thought of an answer 80:What is my favorite word? probably either... Christmas... Valentine... Birthday 81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr? glumshoe 83:Do I have any relatives in jail? not that i know of 84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? my first instinct is to say persuasion but not like manipulating other people’s will just make me really persuasive.  86:What is my current desktop picture? i never changed it from the default 103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no, I kind of disagree w/ making those strict decisions, but i do try not to eat much meat and very very little red 109:Been outside my home country? yes, several countries in europe and once to guadeloupe 110:Gotten my heart broken? yeah haha twice when i was a kid 114:Been to prom? no 118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex? don’t think so, at least not the kind that makes you want physical contact w/ them 119:Learned another language? made good progress w/ french 123:Dyed my hair? blonde ends, green ends, pink ends, black ends, green all over, dark red all over 124:Voted in a presidential election? a big secret is that i voted for Mitt Romney when I was 18 haha 127:Met someone famous? Matt Shultz and Tomas Kalnoky 129:Peed outside? yes 130:Been fishing? yes 131:Helped with charity? i prefer working at non profit places than for profit 132:Been rejected by a crush? i never went after anyone to be rejected, but i’ve definitely wanted to be w/ people who didn’t want to be w/ me 134:What do I want for my birthday? everything 135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names? maybe 5 or something, give or take 2. Probably name the first ones Tomas and Tavi 139:Favourite Tv Show? shameless 140:Where do I want to live when older? maybe Frederick 141:Play any musical instrument? not anymore, took violin in highschool/middle school for a few years 142:One of my scars, how did I get it? i had a wart on my knee removed lol 143:Favourite pizza topping? pineapple or veggie pizza 144:Am I afraid of the dark? not in and of itself 145:Am I afraid of heights? moderately 147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? what kind of emo question is this  148:What I’m really bad at? anything someone with really long thin arms would be bad at 149:What my greatest achievements are? the stuff i’m most proud of would sound like i have a hero complex if i just wrote them here. writing a whole book. 150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me? they were going to kill me lol it didn’t happen though 151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery? if i answered i’d either sound like a goody two shoes or a doodoohead in a guy fawkes mask 152:What do I like about myself? I am very smart 153:My closest Tumblr friend? I don’t think i have any left!  154:Something I fantasise about? having a house outside a city w/ willow trees and magnolia trees and bamboo and a few weird looking dogs

[relatablyinsane-blog]

Quadpolar Part 2!

Just want to let you know that i had instant bloggers remorse after that last post. Welp, I've stepped in it now.

So i totally forgot to mention that I'm adopted (see: Symptoms of ADHD; rushing, inventiveness), pretty important stuff. That means my nice, old fashioned, very old, worked in the post office their whole life parents are not, in fact my real parents. What they did was reach into a barrel of discarded babies and pull out a meth head kid. (Sorry to my biological mom reading this, we have to go in context for a bit). For the sake of sanity my adoptive mom will be Mom and my biological mom will be Mama, although that didn't happen til MUCH later.

I was adopted at birth and told as soon as i was old enough to understand, something i appreciate my adoptive parents for. They never kept secrets from me, made sure i knew what sex was right off the bat, my super paranoid mom even gave me a book CALLED "Child lures" (I'm not kidding this was literally a pedophile's handbook for a seven year old to read, look it up. Fucked up.) But as far as how true it all was, maybe I'll never know.

What I was told by my adoptive mom was that my biological mother was a drug addict with two other kids already (my sister was 4 and my brother was 2). My father, who she was with at the time, was also a drug addict. As the story goes (i still haven't dared to ask), while high on meth one day he beat my baby brother so bad that his ribs and arm were broken and he now has permanent neurological damage. Last i knew my brother had just gotten out of jail and was homeless, so his life hasn't really improved. That was about the time the state of Arkansas decided that my mother, pregnant with me at the time, would no longer have custody of her children and we would all be placed for adoption immediately. My sister and brother, who shared a father that was different from mine, were placed in an orphanage and my Mama chose my adoptive parents to take me from birth. I had no correspondence with her for decades and didn't want to- to me she was a vile, despicable woman like all the drug addicts in the world- but i had mever even met someone on drugs so what did I know? So, born in Arkansas, raised in New Jersey and then....

Fast forward to the good part: the part that sticks my crazy ass in the awful state of Maine. I liked vacationing there, but did i want to move there? Hell no! My one best friend in the world, the boy next door who I'd grown up with and was the same age as, was not coming with us. It was in the middle of nowhere, on the eve of my Fifth grade year. Having skipped a grade, I was only 9 at the time. I distinctly recall my first car ride to the rural beach town, during which I had a small mental break down and screamed "THEY'RE DRIVING TRACTORS ON THE ROAD!!!" because that was just <i>unheard of.</i> The only kid on the street, eventual cheer captain, straight A student and model child was my age but wanted nothing to do with the hyperactive menace next door who came over uninvited and played with the dogs. Yep, that was me. Forcing myself into the company of people who didn't want me around.

And thus I started school at the local K through 8. Wait. K through 8? How many kids went to this school????? Must be like TEN THOUSAND!! Back in Jersey there were 2-3 grade levels to a school, 30 kids to a class and 11 of each grade.That's over 600 kids in just two grades! (And i still had no friends. Sob. Seriously i must have been an awful kid.) You never had the same classmates twice, classes switched every grade. I couldn't imagine how FRIGGEN HUGE a school with every grade in it would be!!

What? What's that. There are HOW MANY kids in my class?

16. And how many in the grade? 16.

....so there's one fifth grade? And how many kids in the school??? ......a little over a hundred.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first i was pumped. I get to make friends and stay with them all the way till high school?! YES. Except this was when I remember my life becoming a living hell.

At this point i had been on at least three different medications for ADHD and none of them worked. Ritalin, Concerta, Stratera etc. Apparently i was still as annoying as ever because i remember being tormented relentlessly. Like, relentlessly. When there's only 16 kids in the class and you're the target, there's no escape. The teacher's let it happen. I was called hippopotamus. My lunch got spat in. I was mocked in front of the class. I was called stupid. Everyone would argue about having to sit next to me and i would just sit alone, or if someone did have to sit with me (usually the teacher assigned someone which made it worse) they would push my things off my desk or ask to copy my work once they realized i was almost as smart as the smartest girl in the class.

And i let them. I wanted SO fucking badly to be popular, to have a friend, fucking anything. It always blew up in my face. As soon as i was done being used for answers, a good place in line, a random good pick for a team or something, i was immediately shunned again. I buried myself in my extracurriculars (now it was swim team, violin and piano), joined band, chorus, jazz band, softball and soccer. I told my parents very little unless they were being dragged in for parent teacher conferences about how i was inattentive and always acting out. My grades began to slip because I was starting to learn about depression and constantly forgot to do my homework. My strict as hell parents were making me practice piano and violin for hours a day and my only solace was my meager 30 minutes of Nintendo 64 time per day. At one point my sixth grade teacher (stupid bitch, i hope you enjoy your cancer (sorry, y'all)) told my parents i wasn't as smart as everyone said and i should be held back because she thought i was autistic. I'm a lot of things, but not fucking autistic.

In the summer before seventh grade i finally got a reprieve in the form of my still longest best friend and the miracle drug Adderall. For those who don't know, Adderall is an amphetamine based ADHD medication and widely abused for it's stimulant properties. For anyone with ADHD however, it mellows the shit out of us and makes us super focused. Well, I'm a little allergic to it, so it actually makes me aggressive. On top of that, it makes your appetite nonexistent so, surprisingly, your favorite curvy girl Jay developed an eating disorder. Not on purpose at first. I just wasnt hungry so i didn't eat. I skipped breakfast, skipped lunch, ate the light dinner my parents prepared and went to bed. Hunger was nonexistent. Then one day i woke up and discovered myself at about 135 pounds, i tried on my first pair of short shorts out shopping with my mom. I'll never fucking forget looking in the mirror and saying out loud "Wow... I actually look great in these!" I didn't realize it was the Adderall at the time but I let it get worse. Whenever i did eat off my only light dinner schedule i would make myself throw up. I eventually got down to 117 pounds. My lowest weight. I stayed there for years. Once i had a state ID with me at that weight. Even at 12 i looked emaciated. It was revolting. I kept that ID for awhile to remind myself how awful i looked and to remind me that I look better curvy, but then i got fat and it made me sad. But i digress.

When i got back to school I suddenly gave not a single fuck about anyone picking on me. Adderall made my emotions <i>nonexistent</i>, but my temper started to boil. As a punching bag i was still pretty friendly and docile, like a big dumb dog that comes trotting back for another beating time and time again. Now i was silent and glowery. People took notice, and that's where my first real best friend came in. Let's call her Patti. I will always remember the day it really happened. I was the first person in line for recess, a great honor, but all my classmates were playing the "EW I DON'T WANT TO STAND NEXT TO HER" game. As per usual. I didn't really care. Thank god for drugs amirite? But then one voice rang out above the crowd of heckling...

I'm just kidding, it was more of a frustrated "seriously guys? Grow up." and then there was Patti. Someone who'd never joined in the terrorizing- i didn't and still don't blame anyone who didn't speak up. It would have made them a target too. But why? She was a cheerleader. I don't think anyone disliked her. She wasn't "popular" but she'd been going to this school since kindergarten and knew everyone. I guess I'll never really understand. But she was a lifesaver, even before the depression got really bad. She actually got to know me, the real me, she realized (and helped me realize too) that i was funny, and goofy and smart, and friendly. Eventually, because of her, some of the others started to come around too, but none of them were ever quite as close to me as she was. I thank god for this girl pretty regularly. Not as much as i should lately.

But there was still the matter of the bullies- and of my short fuse. I had my first kiss that year and a few short lived "boyfriends"- all from other schools of course, it would have been an unforgivable taboo to be interested in Jay. But that year was the year i put my foot down. As i mentioned earlier, Adderall had made me apathetic, but also very, very aggressive. The rage built slowly for several months until one fateful day in art class. I can't remember what i was doing to deserve this comment, i genuinely wish i could, but one of my usual enemies decided to say "No wonder your parents didn't want you!"

She was across the table from me and before i knew it i had launched myself across the table and had my hand up around her throat. No squeezing, just pressure. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head and the entire room fucking froze. It was like something out of a movie. That was the first time i ever rage cried. If i ever get angry enough that my eyes start to water, someone's gonna get hurt. We both got sent to the principal, maybe because the sensible art teacher recognized a normally good natured kid snapping. I looked dead into that principal's eyes and told him that I'd had enough. I was tired of being picked on every single day and having nothing done. Teachers watched and let it happen. Some fucking joined in. HE let it happen after i told him time and time again what was going on. I didnt get in trouble. The bullying receded a good amount that day. It didn't stop completely until almost the end of the year.

Through my mother's networking at church i had become friends with one of the most popular girls at a neighboring school- a gorgeous russian adopted girl with a thick accent and a very early onset sex drive. Yikes. In turn, she introduced me to her brother, who i began "dating" for several months. By "dating" i mean we held hands and made out under the bleachers at YMCA dances and he tried to get me to give him a blowjob at my 12th birthday party. Jesus yikes. Needless to say that relationship didn't last long but I'd suddenly earned a reputation of someone who was- dare i say it- close to popular?

Then there was the summer of 2004. The best few months of my life. Patti and i were inseperable, we rode our bikes around the town every day, snuck into the state park, ate ice cream at the little trailer shop nearby, stayed up all night then nodded off through church the next day. And we dreamed. Oh sweet jesus did we dream about getting as far away from our shitty little town as possible and never coming back. I had honestly never been happier and for the first time in my life i had a best friend. I had a birthday party at the end of the school year and a bunch of people came- people from my school!- we genuinely had an amazing time. The girls all slept over and for once, finally, i felt like i belonged.

Eighth grade was a breeze, if you skim over Adderall making me almost punch my mom in the face. It was the first and last time i ever raised a fist to my parents. But it had done it's job. I wasn't getting picked on, i gained a little more weight and filled out nicely, I excelled at academics, won awards in jazz band, joined the bangor youth symphony orchestra, and actually made real friends (none in my school save for patti really.)

So.... That's my life up until high school. That's when i met depression. 😘