#now i understand why my k-8 school said we should read at least 30 minutes a day.

[falllpoutboy]

https://x.com/fatfabfeminist/status/1704831795798155630?s=46

when teachers complain about students being passed on to the next grade when they’re obviously behind on grade level by two+ years/grades, why do parents automatically point their fingers at their teachers lmao?? yes students missed up to 1.5-2 years in face-to-face learning due to the pandemic and the remote learning policies depending on their location so now that they’re back for in-person learning like we’re just doing our job and teaching them to the best of our abilities, but due to the curriculum and the policies in place (depending on where you live obvs), we have no choice but to pass them on. teachers make attempts to bring attention to a student’s attendance and grades to their parents but if the parents can’t follow up on the emails we send, the phone calls we make, the voicemails we leave and the parent-teacher conferences requests we send, then that sends a clear message that you don’t care about your kids education beyond the bare fucking minimum.

we get it, parents are busy and have jobs and other priorities and every parent and student has a different story. but if your kid is 12 y/o and is in the 7th grade and is reading/writing at a 4th grade level, is incapable of reading a 200 page novel and goes straight to tiktok or to their ps5 immediately after school, then we are not the problem!!!

[nearlyhuman]

I didn’t even make this a read more you’re just gonna have to scroll or press j

2: Age? 24 3: 3 Fears? alienating people I want to like me, going to school when i should have not, not going to school when i should have 4: 3 things I love? Vegetables, girls who i don’t know but then they invade my personal space, taking long walks almost every night of the summer 5: 4 turns on? they’re personal 6: 4 turns off? baby talk, the word “daddy,” self-consciousness, physical pain 7: My best friend? my fam, J + K, my boyfriend 8:Sexual orientation? they say its a spectrum but so far i haven’t ever wanted to do a girl  9: My best first date? i don’t remember what my first official date with R was but definitely not the other guy so I guess the other other guy who is married now. or there was one that wasn’t a REAL date but it was KIND of a date but it really wasn’t but that one might win  10: How tall am I? huge 11: What do I miss? Knowing my place 12: What time was I born? @ night 13: Favourite color? going to be honest the truth is i never understand this question and it doesn’t really make sense to me and that’s why the answer always changes... green... gold... pink... black... idk 14: Do I have a crush? idk if i’m supposed to say yes but i’ve been w/ my bf for years now i think it’s something other than a crush by now 15: Favourite quote? I don’t have one over all but one I recently read that I love is this: “Malcolm X never lived to see the government fall but the state he opposed made him a stamp. And that's the best you can hope for if you never give up - your enemies will teach your corpse to dance.” Pat the Bunny. 16: Favourite place? lately it’s been the inner harbor at night 17: Favourite food? lately it’s been a tray of peaches we got at TJ’s 18: Do I use sarcasm? Only when I shouldn’t, like when i’m pissed off and being a baby about it 19: What am I listening to right now? R taking medicine lol 20: First thing I notice in a new person? it probably depends on the person, but i usually look at their face and try to figure out if they’re nice, mean, or bland, etc 24: Favourite style of clothing? to this day the only person i think i ever knew that i had strong feelings about how they dressed was when two brothers at the pizza place where i worked just wore the same 3 shirts over and over and over and the same pants and shoes every day. I also like other famous people who also wear the same thing every day. 25: Kiss someone that starts with the letter “R”? i have ONLY kissed people with the first initial R 27: Meaning behind my URL? I used to feel like I didn’t have the right feelings like a normal person, but then i went to therapy for a while and now i’m pretty fine with my feelings, but i still like my url and don’t feel like putting in the effort to find something i like better 29: Favourite song? i don’t have one atm but i guess one foot on the gas one foot in the grave has been #1 for a couple years, before that it was hypocrite cte 30: Favourite band? anything toh kay touches 31: How I feel right now? annoyed that i have to be in school 32: Someone I love? my old boss malick 33: My current relationship status? w/ R 34: My relationship with my parents? i’m not in a therapy session so i don’t have to answer 35: Favourite holiday? Valentine’s Day?  36: Tattoos and piercing i have? just ear lobes 37: Tattoos and piercing i want? I really don’t want any and I don’t want to say my tattoo ideas here anyway 38: The reason I joined Tumblr? I was trying to learn how to talk genuinely w/o any of my friends saying i was experiencing normal teen rebellion 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? yes 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? no 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? no 42: When did I last hold hands? a couple days ago i think 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 10 minutes if i’m trying 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? monday for class 45: Where am I right now? bedroom 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? deborah 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? both 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? no 49: Am I excited for anything? doing potluck movie nights 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? EVERYTHING? you can never tell someone EVERYTHING you think about them, so that always ruins it 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? I don’t work in customer service anymore 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? when i got to chemistry lab earlier today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i would be so confused lol 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? yes 55: What is something I disliked about today? all of the school 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? davey mac 57: What do I think about most? school, anarchism, acne, friendships 58: What’s my strangest talent? yesterday my kind-of mentor said i was his mentor 59: Do I have any strange phobias? no 60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? i definitely don’t want to be behind it but i only MIGHT want to be in front of it 61:What was the last lie I told? don’t remember 62:Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? phone, don’t have to worry about angles 63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? No ghosts, no opinion on aliens 64:Do I believe in magic? No and i find it really irritating when people do 65:Do I believe in luck? idk what that means, i guess not 66:What’s the weather like right now? i’m inside 67:What was the last book I’ve read? i’m in the middle of Walden and Conquest of Bread 68:Do I like the smell of gasoline? yesss 69:Do I have any nicknames? yes but very few people use them 70:What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? none 71:Do I spend money or save it? save 72:Can I touch my nose with a tongue? no 74:Favourite animal? James 75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM? watching TV 77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? when nirvana comes on the radio 78:How can you win my heart? talk to me often and about stuff i like, or have that Mysterious Something, or do vlogs 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? i’d be ashamed of myself if i had actually thought of an answer 80:What is my favorite word? probably either... Christmas... Valentine... Birthday 81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr? glumshoe 83:Do I have any relatives in jail? not that i know of 84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? my first instinct is to say persuasion but not like manipulating other people’s will just make me really persuasive.  86:What is my current desktop picture? i never changed it from the default 103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no, I kind of disagree w/ making those strict decisions, but i do try not to eat much meat and very very little red 109:Been outside my home country? yes, several countries in europe and once to guadeloupe 110:Gotten my heart broken? yeah haha twice when i was a kid 114:Been to prom? no 118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex? don’t think so, at least not the kind that makes you want physical contact w/ them 119:Learned another language? made good progress w/ french 123:Dyed my hair? blonde ends, green ends, pink ends, black ends, green all over, dark red all over 124:Voted in a presidential election? a big secret is that i voted for Mitt Romney when I was 18 haha 127:Met someone famous? Matt Shultz and Tomas Kalnoky 129:Peed outside? yes 130:Been fishing? yes 131:Helped with charity? i prefer working at non profit places than for profit 132:Been rejected by a crush? i never went after anyone to be rejected, but i’ve definitely wanted to be w/ people who didn’t want to be w/ me 134:What do I want for my birthday? everything 135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names? maybe 5 or something, give or take 2. Probably name the first ones Tomas and Tavi 139:Favourite Tv Show? shameless 140:Where do I want to live when older? maybe Frederick 141:Play any musical instrument? not anymore, took violin in highschool/middle school for a few years 142:One of my scars, how did I get it? i had a wart on my knee removed lol 143:Favourite pizza topping? pineapple or veggie pizza 144:Am I afraid of the dark? not in and of itself 145:Am I afraid of heights? moderately 147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? what kind of emo question is this  148:What I’m really bad at? anything someone with really long thin arms would be bad at 149:What my greatest achievements are? the stuff i’m most proud of would sound like i have a hero complex if i just wrote them here. writing a whole book. 150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me? they were going to kill me lol it didn’t happen though 151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery? if i answered i’d either sound like a goody two shoes or a doodoohead in a guy fawkes mask 152:What do I like about myself? I am very smart 153:My closest Tumblr friend? I don’t think i have any left!  154:Something I fantasise about? having a house outside a city w/ willow trees and magnolia trees and bamboo and a few weird looking dogs

[relatablyinsane-blog]

Quadpolar Part 2!

Just want to let you know that i had instant bloggers remorse after that last post. Welp, I've stepped in it now.

So i totally forgot to mention that I'm adopted (see: Symptoms of ADHD; rushing, inventiveness), pretty important stuff. That means my nice, old fashioned, very old, worked in the post office their whole life parents are not, in fact my real parents. What they did was reach into a barrel of discarded babies and pull out a meth head kid. (Sorry to my biological mom reading this, we have to go in context for a bit). For the sake of sanity my adoptive mom will be Mom and my biological mom will be Mama, although that didn't happen til MUCH later.

I was adopted at birth and told as soon as i was old enough to understand, something i appreciate my adoptive parents for. They never kept secrets from me, made sure i knew what sex was right off the bat, my super paranoid mom even gave me a book CALLED "Child lures" (I'm not kidding this was literally a pedophile's handbook for a seven year old to read, look it up. Fucked up.) But as far as how true it all was, maybe I'll never know.

What I was told by my adoptive mom was that my biological mother was a drug addict with two other kids already (my sister was 4 and my brother was 2). My father, who she was with at the time, was also a drug addict. As the story goes (i still haven't dared to ask), while high on meth one day he beat my baby brother so bad that his ribs and arm were broken and he now has permanent neurological damage. Last i knew my brother had just gotten out of jail and was homeless, so his life hasn't really improved. That was about the time the state of Arkansas decided that my mother, pregnant with me at the time, would no longer have custody of her children and we would all be placed for adoption immediately. My sister and brother, who shared a father that was different from mine, were placed in an orphanage and my Mama chose my adoptive parents to take me from birth. I had no correspondence with her for decades and didn't want to- to me she was a vile, despicable woman like all the drug addicts in the world- but i had mever even met someone on drugs so what did I know? So, born in Arkansas, raised in New Jersey and then....

Fast forward to the good part: the part that sticks my crazy ass in the awful state of Maine. I liked vacationing there, but did i want to move there? Hell no! My one best friend in the world, the boy next door who I'd grown up with and was the same age as, was not coming with us. It was in the middle of nowhere, on the eve of my Fifth grade year. Having skipped a grade, I was only 9 at the time. I distinctly recall my first car ride to the rural beach town, during which I had a small mental break down and screamed "THEY'RE DRIVING TRACTORS ON THE ROAD!!!" because that was just <i>unheard of.</i> The only kid on the street, eventual cheer captain, straight A student and model child was my age but wanted nothing to do with the hyperactive menace next door who came over uninvited and played with the dogs. Yep, that was me. Forcing myself into the company of people who didn't want me around.

And thus I started school at the local K through 8. Wait. K through 8? How many kids went to this school????? Must be like TEN THOUSAND!! Back in Jersey there were 2-3 grade levels to a school, 30 kids to a class and 11 of each grade.That's over 600 kids in just two grades! (And i still had no friends. Sob. Seriously i must have been an awful kid.) You never had the same classmates twice, classes switched every grade. I couldn't imagine how FRIGGEN HUGE a school with every grade in it would be!!

What? What's that. There are HOW MANY kids in my class?

16. And how many in the grade? 16.

....so there's one fifth grade? And how many kids in the school??? ......a little over a hundred.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first i was pumped. I get to make friends and stay with them all the way till high school?! YES. Except this was when I remember my life becoming a living hell.

At this point i had been on at least three different medications for ADHD and none of them worked. Ritalin, Concerta, Stratera etc. Apparently i was still as annoying as ever because i remember being tormented relentlessly. Like, relentlessly. When there's only 16 kids in the class and you're the target, there's no escape. The teacher's let it happen. I was called hippopotamus. My lunch got spat in. I was mocked in front of the class. I was called stupid. Everyone would argue about having to sit next to me and i would just sit alone, or if someone did have to sit with me (usually the teacher assigned someone which made it worse) they would push my things off my desk or ask to copy my work once they realized i was almost as smart as the smartest girl in the class.

And i let them. I wanted SO fucking badly to be popular, to have a friend, fucking anything. It always blew up in my face. As soon as i was done being used for answers, a good place in line, a random good pick for a team or something, i was immediately shunned again. I buried myself in my extracurriculars (now it was swim team, violin and piano), joined band, chorus, jazz band, softball and soccer. I told my parents very little unless they were being dragged in for parent teacher conferences about how i was inattentive and always acting out. My grades began to slip because I was starting to learn about depression and constantly forgot to do my homework. My strict as hell parents were making me practice piano and violin for hours a day and my only solace was my meager 30 minutes of Nintendo 64 time per day. At one point my sixth grade teacher (stupid bitch, i hope you enjoy your cancer (sorry, y'all)) told my parents i wasn't as smart as everyone said and i should be held back because she thought i was autistic. I'm a lot of things, but not fucking autistic.

In the summer before seventh grade i finally got a reprieve in the form of my still longest best friend and the miracle drug Adderall. For those who don't know, Adderall is an amphetamine based ADHD medication and widely abused for it's stimulant properties. For anyone with ADHD however, it mellows the shit out of us and makes us super focused. Well, I'm a little allergic to it, so it actually makes me aggressive. On top of that, it makes your appetite nonexistent so, surprisingly, your favorite curvy girl Jay developed an eating disorder. Not on purpose at first. I just wasnt hungry so i didn't eat. I skipped breakfast, skipped lunch, ate the light dinner my parents prepared and went to bed. Hunger was nonexistent. Then one day i woke up and discovered myself at about 135 pounds, i tried on my first pair of short shorts out shopping with my mom. I'll never fucking forget looking in the mirror and saying out loud "Wow... I actually look great in these!" I didn't realize it was the Adderall at the time but I let it get worse. Whenever i did eat off my only light dinner schedule i would make myself throw up. I eventually got down to 117 pounds. My lowest weight. I stayed there for years. Once i had a state ID with me at that weight. Even at 12 i looked emaciated. It was revolting. I kept that ID for awhile to remind myself how awful i looked and to remind me that I look better curvy, but then i got fat and it made me sad. But i digress.

When i got back to school I suddenly gave not a single fuck about anyone picking on me. Adderall made my emotions <i>nonexistent</i>, but my temper started to boil. As a punching bag i was still pretty friendly and docile, like a big dumb dog that comes trotting back for another beating time and time again. Now i was silent and glowery. People took notice, and that's where my first real best friend came in. Let's call her Patti. I will always remember the day it really happened. I was the first person in line for recess, a great honor, but all my classmates were playing the "EW I DON'T WANT TO STAND NEXT TO HER" game. As per usual. I didn't really care. Thank god for drugs amirite? But then one voice rang out above the crowd of heckling...

I'm just kidding, it was more of a frustrated "seriously guys? Grow up." and then there was Patti. Someone who'd never joined in the terrorizing- i didn't and still don't blame anyone who didn't speak up. It would have made them a target too. But why? She was a cheerleader. I don't think anyone disliked her. She wasn't "popular" but she'd been going to this school since kindergarten and knew everyone. I guess I'll never really understand. But she was a lifesaver, even before the depression got really bad. She actually got to know me, the real me, she realized (and helped me realize too) that i was funny, and goofy and smart, and friendly. Eventually, because of her, some of the others started to come around too, but none of them were ever quite as close to me as she was. I thank god for this girl pretty regularly. Not as much as i should lately.

But there was still the matter of the bullies- and of my short fuse. I had my first kiss that year and a few short lived "boyfriends"- all from other schools of course, it would have been an unforgivable taboo to be interested in Jay. But that year was the year i put my foot down. As i mentioned earlier, Adderall had made me apathetic, but also very, very aggressive. The rage built slowly for several months until one fateful day in art class. I can't remember what i was doing to deserve this comment, i genuinely wish i could, but one of my usual enemies decided to say "No wonder your parents didn't want you!"

She was across the table from me and before i knew it i had launched myself across the table and had my hand up around her throat. No squeezing, just pressure. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head and the entire room fucking froze. It was like something out of a movie. That was the first time i ever rage cried. If i ever get angry enough that my eyes start to water, someone's gonna get hurt. We both got sent to the principal, maybe because the sensible art teacher recognized a normally good natured kid snapping. I looked dead into that principal's eyes and told him that I'd had enough. I was tired of being picked on every single day and having nothing done. Teachers watched and let it happen. Some fucking joined in. HE let it happen after i told him time and time again what was going on. I didnt get in trouble. The bullying receded a good amount that day. It didn't stop completely until almost the end of the year.

Through my mother's networking at church i had become friends with one of the most popular girls at a neighboring school- a gorgeous russian adopted girl with a thick accent and a very early onset sex drive. Yikes. In turn, she introduced me to her brother, who i began "dating" for several months. By "dating" i mean we held hands and made out under the bleachers at YMCA dances and he tried to get me to give him a blowjob at my 12th birthday party. Jesus yikes. Needless to say that relationship didn't last long but I'd suddenly earned a reputation of someone who was- dare i say it- close to popular?

Then there was the summer of 2004. The best few months of my life. Patti and i were inseperable, we rode our bikes around the town every day, snuck into the state park, ate ice cream at the little trailer shop nearby, stayed up all night then nodded off through church the next day. And we dreamed. Oh sweet jesus did we dream about getting as far away from our shitty little town as possible and never coming back. I had honestly never been happier and for the first time in my life i had a best friend. I had a birthday party at the end of the school year and a bunch of people came- people from my school!- we genuinely had an amazing time. The girls all slept over and for once, finally, i felt like i belonged.

Eighth grade was a breeze, if you skim over Adderall making me almost punch my mom in the face. It was the first and last time i ever raised a fist to my parents. But it had done it's job. I wasn't getting picked on, i gained a little more weight and filled out nicely, I excelled at academics, won awards in jazz band, joined the bangor youth symphony orchestra, and actually made real friends (none in my school save for patti really.)

So.... That's my life up until high school. That's when i met depression. 😘