#now i have to chill about my current project but i literally never should’ve been crazy about it in the first place

[lugosis]

i deleted my insane posting side blog bc i got embarrassed by how insane i was so now i have no choice but to either shut the fuck up or be insane on here. we’ll see.

[englass]

Oh, could I request John letting the deputy hold him because he understands she's going though a lot atm. :^) thanks for reading.

No worries hun! Thanks for sending this in! 😁 It took a while, but I had fun with it nonetheless. Kind of ended up running away with the idea, but I hope you enjoy it!

– – –

When Rook had gotten in that plane, as prepared as she could be with a freshly tattooed chest and a determined glare for the dogfight that was about to go down, she hadn’t exactly considered what could happen.

Sure, she hoped that she’d win. That she would finally free the Valley from the tyranny of John Seed by the end of it all, knocking him off of his high horse, and hopefully without that much bloodshed if at all possible.

But what she hadn’t considered was if things went wrong.

With a strangled gasp Rook hobbles toward the panting John Seed, his tailored clothes scuffed and dirtied, as he rests against the trunk of a tree. Eyes closed and head tipped back with both hands in his lap, radio tossed and abandoned at his side. Despite his ruffled appearance anyone would think that he just did a lap around his airstrip instead of get in a literal, and verbal, dogfight with somebody. He near enough looks unharmed.

Lucky prick.

Rook stares at her nemesis, usually groomed hair now tussled, before leaning heavily against the same tree that he’s up against. Sliding down until she’s sitting next to him and mirroring his actions; head tilted skyward with eyes closed, pained groans slipping through stilted breaths every now and again.

Despite sitting next to the infamous ‘reaper’ of the Valley, Rook can’t help but feel nothing but calm, strangely content as the warm afternoon sunlight flitters through the gaps in the leaves above, shinning down on the both of them with speckled light. Considering how cold it’s gotten the warmth is a welcome blanket for the shaky Deputy.

“Ya know,” she starts with a wince, holding her side, “despite it all, that was actually kinda fun.” There’s a fractured laugh underling her tone, mirth trying to break through even as she sucks in a stuttered breath between gritted teeth.

John scoffs, not even sparing her a glance, “I think you need to rework your definition of ‘fun’, my dear Wrath.”

“Says you,” she says accusingly, “I hardly think you’re one to talk, what with the type of stuff that you do to people.”

“What I do, Deputy, is not for my own pleasure, but for the salvation of sinners like yourself,” he replies with a snip. “I have told you this numerous times and yet, even in the wake of your atonement, you would rather still be barred from the Gates of Eden and condemned to an eternal damnation than swallow that filthy pride of yours. I only want to help you, Deputy, to give you a new and better life amongst the project; if only you would just say yes.”

“Oh leave off, John,” Rook whines, “I’d rather not talk about atonement and crap while I lay here dying.”

“Oh please,” John grouses, finally looking toward her, “like you’re actually–” he pauses, words dissolving on his tongue like powered tablet. His ocean eyes going wide as they glue themselves to the jagged piece of metal sticking out of her side; crimson painting her shirt, staining the hand that presses under the metal with a noticeable tremble, a vivid red.

“Huh, that bad eh?” Rook weakly jokes, watching the emotions dance hectically across his face, changing as quickly as the current, before looking skyward once again, pointedly refusing to look down at herself. She winces at a jolt of pain. “That’s reassuring.”

“Deputy...” the youngest Seed flounders, unable to look away from the sight she makes; caught in a trance as any harboured animosity fades to ash. There’s no way the Deputy – his deputy – could be dying, there‘s just no way. A piece of metal couldn’t stop them, surly. They’ve been through worse than this, he knows they have. He can’t lose them now that he’s finally got them, that wouldn’t be fair. That’s not fair...

John’s quick to snap back to reality when he hears the Deputy gasp, her free hand pressing into the ground beside him as she attempts to move herself.

John doesn’t spare a thought before he’s grabbing her.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He hisses in a rush, “stop moving, you will only make it worse!”

“A little late for that, I‘d say,” she grumbles lowly. “Now let go, I’m hardly going anywhere.”

Really such a fact should’ve had John vibrating, excitement twisted into something cruel and consuming, but he finds himself feeling the furthest from that than what he ever thought he might do. Seeing the Deputy like this was making him feel rather ill, a nasty sensation curling low within the pit of his stomach.

Also, were they always that pale?

So focused on his own conflicted thoughts and absent observations, John doesn’t notice when the Deputy edges a little closer to him; shimmying into his side.

With a whimper Rook moves her free arm, slipping it behind and around John’s back to grip and hold as much of his jacket as she can. Her head falling heavily to rest on his shoulder with a pained sigh.

John freezes at the touch, the familiarness of it making him feel a touch uneasy; a tad nervous. He doesn’t remember the last time someone had held him in such a way, if ever at all even. It’s completely foreign to him. And he especially never expected this type of gesture from the elusive deputy of all people, despite how much he might of dreamed and secretly hoped for it on lonely nights with only his hand for company.

But, even more so, he never envisioned a situation like this – so potentially dire – to be the one where his dreams finally became a reality. Or at least as close as he was possibly going to get them to reality anyway.

What a living nightmare this day was turning out to be.

“What are you doing?” The question is a lot quieter this time around; softer than he intends it. A breath of a secret shared between friends, or unrequited lovers.

“I’m pretty sure I’m dying, John,” Rook tells him bluntly, gaze distant and watery as her grip grows tighter, “and believe it or not, I’m actually really fucking scared right now, so if you could just shut up and let me find at least a little bit of comfort in you before I die then that’d be great.”

There’s a weighted pause filled only with the shimmering of leaves and unsteady breaths.

“Comfort, from me?” The baptist jokes derisively, “you really must be scared then...”

Yet, despite his tone, Rook can still hear the unintentional lilt of hope that’s layered within the question. The hope that maybe she, or anyone really, could want something so simple yet meaningful from him; something so soft and genuine.

And, not for the first time, Rook can’t help but feel sorry for the complicated man next to her. Memories of her makeshift baptism, the look on his face as Joseph walked away from him, fluttering to the forefront of her mind. If only life had given him a better hand.

“Yes, John. Even from you.”

There’s a broken sound that comes from him, a whine or a laugh she isn’t sure. Yet, the sound quickly slips from her mind when she feels his own arm come around to grip her shoulder, hesitant at first before hugging her closer, his head gently leaning to rest on top of hers.

The hand gripping his jacket is covered by his own, pulling her away – she whimpers pitifully at the movement, weakly holding on, “shh, it’s okay, Deputy. I’ve got you” – only to draw her hand up to his face. Fingers interlaced he kisses the palm of her hand before placing it over his chest, holding it there as his thumb brushes back and forth in a soothing motion; a silent reassurance.

If someone had told her a few weeks ago that she’d be hugging John Seed after being impaled by a piece of plane shrapnel, she likely would have scoffed and sarcastically entertained them. If not straight up laughed at them. Funny, she supposes, how life’s turned out for her.

“You’re not going to die, by the way,” John suddenly says, breaking the hush that had fallen between them, “I won’t let you.”

Once upon a time, Rook might have rolled her eyes at how childish he sounds, a little kid getting ready to throw a strop. However, the Deputy has had enough interactions with John Seed by this point to be able to gleam when he’s being serious.

It’s a little scary in its own right, hearing that cold shift that sends chills down her spine, but ultimately she decides to ignore his self-made promise. There’s nothing she can say to it.

“I hope I don’t,” Rook says honestly, “there’s still stuff I wanted to do.”

“Like what?” He asks conversationally.

The Deputy huffs around a laugh, weak and slightly derogatory, “it’s stupid really, but would you believe me if I said that I wanted to get married?”

“Married?” John’s chest does something funny at the thought. “You? Forgive me, deputy, but you hardly seem the type.”

“Wow, really? No offence John-no, but you do realise that I’m more than just a Deputy wrecking your shit, right? I have dreams and hopes for the future too, ya know? And besides, what do you know; you don’t even know me.”

“I know enough.”

“But enough isn’t a full picture, is it?” For a moment the Deputy goes quiet, and John can practically taste the bubbling bitterness in her next words. “How old am I, what’s my favourite colour, my favourite film; what was my first car, my first pet. Hell, does anyone even know my name...?”

It’s embarrassing really, allowing something so small and arguably petty to colour her the way it does, but if she really is about to die then surly now is as good a time as any to get her grudges and grievances out there. Confess, as John would put it it. After all, she’s done so much for everyone, got so much blood staining her hands (both figuratively and literally), and yet not one person has even asked for her name.

She’s a title, she knows that, has since this whole thing started, but bleeding out has a way of forcing things into perspective it seems. She’s going to die in the arms of her greatest enemy and no one is even going to be able to mark the grave because no one even knows her fucking–

She stills; tenses. Breath catching as she does so, but she pays the pain it causes no mind. Focusing only on the ring of John’s voice, his tongue curling around a name she didn’t think she’d ever hear again from another; didn’t think he even knew. Just how did he...?

“... what?” She sounds so small, so much like she did as a child, but she doesn’t care. Did he really just...

He pulls her closer, turns slightly to whisper her full name into her hair, lips brushing against her lightly as he does so. “That is your name, isn’t it?”

Rook sniffles, her breaths quickly becoming shallow and shaky as she presses further into John, burying her face as far into his neck as she possibly can. Hiding herself as tears begin to trail down her cheeks in lonely streams. Her retort is weak and warbled.

“Shut up.”

And, surprisingly, John does.

Although it might not be ideal, not at all how he hoped for them to come together, but for the first time since he can remember John feels what he believes to be genuine content. More than happy to offer his deputy all that he can give them in this uncertain, but surly fated, moment. This had to be destiny at play, he was certain of it. This was meant to happen.

And as he listens to her cry quietly, feels her sag and flinch in pain and anguish against him, waiting for his followers to hurry up and find them, not once does his hand let go of hers.

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, well today was overall pretty good. I woke up around 11:24 I think, I had my late alarm set for 1pm but figured I’d wake up before then. I had a weird craving for chocolate chip pancakes, which is kinda odd because I’ve literally never made them before in my life, but I had a hershey bar and some m&ms I could use, so I was like hey, let’s do this. So I chopped up the hershey bar and started making them, then moved to the m&ms when I ran out of the chopped chocolate. my pancakes haven’t always been cooperating with me lately, but I was trying to do smaller ones today and I think that worked a lot better, so that’s good to know. And they were really freaking good. So after I finished eating I knew I should get to work, so I pulled up the two things I had for the legal drafting assignment and started doing my final edits before turning it in tonight. I knew it wasn’t perfect, but honestly at this point I just don’t give a fuck anymore, I don’t care if I get one fucking C in my last damn semester, it can’t affect my GPA that much, and who the fuck cares anyway??? I just don’t anymore. but I made some edits and changed a few things around. The thing is I know my arguments are really solid, really damn good arguments, but I know that’s not gonna be what matters because with this prof it’s all about procedure and format and bullshit that doesn’t even matter in the real world. Like legit when I was talking with her last week looking over my past assignment she was like “oh you’re doing this like they taught you at the courthouse, but we’re doing it like this” and I was like ???? these hypothetical projects are *literally* supposed to be from the damn courthouse I worked at, like literally working for the cook county public guardian’s office, and you’re telling me what I learned actually being there was wrong??? I’m just so fucking done, this class should’ve been a breeze for me but it became a massive pain in the ass instead. And I really don't give a fuck if she doesn’t like my writing, the people I’ve actually worked under in the real world have always loved it, my one supervisor still gushes about the motion I wrote from the child death case as one of the best he’s ever seen, and I really, really don’t give a fuck about this goddamn class anymore. I’m ranting, I know. But anyway. I made my edits and printed it out, ended up having to print two copies of each because something didn’t turn out right in the first version of each, stupid staples (they’ll literally dock you points if your stapling doesn’t look good) and temporarily forget to use page numbers. But I got all that done and headed out to school a little early, there was supposed to be a PAD transition team meeting at 5:30 so I thought I’d come for a bit before class, except nobody actually doing the meeting showed up on time, and I had class at 5:50, so I left at 5:40, and I apparently didn’t miss much. We turned in our assignment, and then had class for about half an hour, talking mostly about factors regarding appeals and what you should take into consideration when deciding if you’re going to appeal or not. Good stuff I guess. But we ended around 6:20, and the PAD event we had for tonight didn’t start till 7 and it was right across the street so I chilled in the PAD office for a bit before going over. The event is supposed to be an official introduction to the new executive board, with alumni coming and networking and all that good shit, it’s called “Story Time” because we’re “Story Chapter” (all of the chapters are named after Supreme Court justices, since our chapter was founded in the 1890s it was after a very old justice, Joseph Story). So I headed over there and mingled for a bit, pretty good food, they had chicken tenders that were like, really damn good chicken tenders lol and they had grilled cheese, which is like, perfect, so I was pleased with that. I spent a while chatting with one of the older alums about work and life and all that good stuff. He’s looking for a law clerk, but since I’m a 3L he said I need to focus on studying for the bar, and worry about jobs later, which is valid, lol. After that I just went to where my friends are and hung out with them for a bit more, just having fun. The event ended around 9, and since we were the ones throwing it we ended up being the last people there, and they had a buffet style food set up and the staff put out to go boxes and were like “hey if you want to take any of this home go for it because it’s just gonna get thrown out” so I may have gone to town on the chicken tenders and shoved 20 of them into a to go box (I counted) which I expect will go to good use over the next couple of weeks (weeks because I’ll probably freeze some of them at some point, chicken tenders aren’t really a food that’s like, cooked one time, because most of them come pre-cooked, and they were warmed up today, but I can just warm them up again and they’ll be the same lol so that’s useful. I’m sure Jess will be having some this weekend because she hasn't eaten shit all week (sigh). But yeah, I went home, dropped my stuff and decided to watch Arrow. It was......odd. Not really an episode they’ve ever done before, mostly just because there was almost no Oliver in it. And I felt like the whole time they were trying to get us to like Diaz and like, I just don’t??? I don’t find him to be a very compelling character and the whole time I was just like Dinah honey why are you hanging out with this asshole?? I don’t get it. I will say though I did like the plot between Oliver and Felicity and the moment they had at the end of the episode, so that was good. After that the only other show I had left to watch was Riverdale, which I put on because we decided we’re going to “Riverdale Con” (god that sounds so absurd) next weekend because it’s in Chicago and we can, and plus we’re already going two weekends without a con, we definitely couldn’t go three. Riverdale was the musical episode of course, and I had fairly mixed feelings about it. I wasn’t familiar with the music of Carrie, I knew the plot obviously but hadn’t heard any of the songs before. Most of my feelings were that the majority of the cast really cannot sing and were very, very autotuned, and like the only one who could actually sing was the actor who plays Kevin, and they only let him sing like two fucking lines??? I mean wtf was that about, bad choice there. But yeah, I guess the episode itself was fine, and I did walk away with Veronica’s song stuck in my head. I also ended up looking up the plot on wiki because I wanted to see how the songs fit in, which was an interested read at least....lot of death. It was funny though because I know Christy Altomare and Derek Klena had played Sue and Tommy opposite each other in the 2012 production, and then of course they’re currently playing Anastasia and Dimitri in Anastasia right now. And yeah, I finished watching that then basically started getting ready for bed. Other things that have been on my mind though, I read an article talking about how Christians are becoming disillusioned with the term Evangelical because it’s come to be associated with the Trump idiots and everything that comes with that. And like, it’s so interesting for me to see this because I was thinking through all of this back in 2014 when I decided that I was no longer identifying with that term. Because what does it even mean?? Nothing, really. There’s no set definition that would make one an “evangelical.” I broke with the movement way before everyone else did though, over the “World Vision Incident” that left me so incredibly incensed at everyone who caused that horrific event to happen- basically, World Vision announced that as a non-denominational Christian organization they would be hiring Christian employees in same sex relationships since some denominations are now affirming. One of World Vision’s main programs is about sponsoring a child, send like $30 a month to go to the life of this specific child you’re matched up with. And when this happened, a lot of evangelical leaders protested which led to a huge number of people cancelling their child sponsorships, to the point where World Vision was forced to capitulate or they would suffer such a horrific loss in the work they are doing. Overall, the entire event resulted in 10,000 people dropping their sponsorships, and many did not renew them when they changed positions (incidentally, I immediately called up and started a sponsorship right after this happened). And like, for me that was such a clear line in the sand that was drawn. When you’re fighting your culture wars using the lives of children living in poverty as bargaining chips to force a company not to hire people you disapprove of, that keeping these people out of your organizations is more important to you than the literal lives of children, when that is what you believe in, I’m sorry but you and I do not believe in the same God. I believe in the God who said let the little children come on to me, and admonished the adults to be more like the children. The Jesus who never uttered a word about the culture issues evangelicals are obsessed with pressing. The God who said it was better that you throw a millstone around your neck and jump into the water than to lead a child astray, to hurt a child like that. That’s my God, I don’t know what bastardized version of a god (small g) that you believe in, but he’s certainly not the one I know. The one who gave me such a drive to change the world for children, to help the most vulnerable of the most vulnerable, those shoved into horrible situations and desperately need love and assurance from those around them. The God that created me to have steel in my veins when it comes to dealing with the child abuse I willingly engage with, the God that made me for this purpose, so much that I can feel it in my bones, this is what I was meant to do with my life, nothing else could ever feel right. The God who won’t let me stop until I make a difference, until I’m saving the lives of children in the system every day, no matter how difficult and traumatic that might be. The God who never turned his back on me when I doubted he was there, when I couldn't see him then, but looking back I can see he never left me, he was there the whole time, carrying me through the hard times while I was kicking and screaming and was furious with him for putting me through all I had to deal with. The God who used all of that to create a deep passion in me to save children, so they never have to go through that. This is my purpose in life, and that’s the God I believe in, I don’t know the one you’re praising who cares more about making gay people outcasts than the literal lives of children.

okay, that turned into a massive rant that went a little off the wheels, but I hope I got my point across. My faith is so, so important to me, and it hurts me so much to see the name of Christ being dragged through the mud by those claiming his name and acting as if they’ve never opened a bible. But anyway. That’s about it for my day. No official plans for tomorrow, I might do a short grocery run to stock up on a few things, and maybe small group at night, we’ll see. I mean, I should probably start studying at some point, but my first final isn’t until May 2nd, which is still a week and a half away, and it’s the easiest one, so I’ll have time. Alright, I’m done now. That was a massive rant about my many frustrations that I will hopefully feel better about now. It’s past 1:30 am so I’m going to get to bed now. Goodnight my dearies. If you made it all the way through this post, bless you for caring about my life enough to do that. ❤️

[iguessthisismyjournalnow]

5.6.2020

I think of my ex often. Admittedly, while I was just sexing my husband, too.

An email convo from long LONG ago. I can finally delete from my google docs. Not in chronological order (blue is me):

How did I make you feel as if I were tired of you?

You continuously would scoff at me. Your defensive tone. You literally telling me to leave you alone and go away. I’m sorry. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t realize how hurtful I was being. What do you need to be in suspicious state of mind for? Suspicion might have been a strong word choice for me to make, but i’m not sure of a better word choice. Perhaps it’s because I’m choosing to go against the stereotypical attitude towards love and sex right now. Do you feel being in Xxxxxx you are been judged by your family/friends so you have to be defensive? Yes, actually. Not so much that I have to be defensive, but that the feeling that I’m being judged leads me to act defensive out of reflex.

What do you want to do?

I would like to either have a relationship similar to your other side-pieces or a FWB one. I don’t think that you do. There is no respect for these people. This fake bf/gf isn’t working. Because I am seriously not comfortable with you laying with other people in my current mindset. The mindset that this current situation is causing is making we wonder why your with other people. Maybe it’s my male ego/stupidity but I do not understand if you are getting the emotional/intellectual/sexual contact you want/need all from me (on a relatively consistent basis) then why do you need these others? There’s not a need. There was a want for varied life experiences. There is a want to retain the feeling of independence that comes with dating as doing the opposite is what is so ingrained in commitment to another person. I still feel like I can’t ask myself to act as a married person until I’m married or until the date is set to be there. It makes me feel that I am not enough. Also, it makes me feel like there is still curiosity on your part in regards to what else is out there. And if that is the case, when will that be done?Everyone will always be curious. When we’re old and gray, you’ll wonder. Everyone does. However, I will cease to act on my curiosities once we’ve made the decision to marry one another after your careful consideration and perhaps the intervention of a professional. When I move back to Xxxxxxland The Xxxxx Xxxxxx area will all this be continuing ?(because if so, I need to start building my XXXland Xxxxxx area team now as it takes much much much much much more effort for a man to find a fuck-buddy(s)) I’m not sure. It depends on how serious we are about taking steps toward marriage. The more concrete everything is for me, the less I want to be bothered with those people.

I apologize for those actions with Xxxxx and Xxxx as they are individuals that you know and I should’ve known that it would hurt you. It wasn’t that I knew them or what you did with them, it’s the fact that I have to (or would have had to at the comedy show) be around them and look them in the face and let them act all buddy buddy with me knowing they don’t care about me that hurts me. I don’t like hanging out with women that don’t really care about me. If you notice, I generally stick with the women I love that love me back. I get enough shit from my Mom and Grandmother, so I don’t have patience for women that are willing to fool around with someone that I am so connected to. I believe that it is okay to be angry and jealous (about Xxxxx and Xxxxxx-even though nothing really happened between us Did you make the whole head thing up?) but acting on the anger/jealousy is not cool. By telling me about your “others” just pushes me away more. I do not tell you what I’m doing on the side to avoid these situations (as you can see once you push me on the issue, you tend to get information that you did not want I didn’t have to push you to get information about Xxxxx. I knew exactly what happened by the fact that you weren’t where you said you would be after volunteering to take her home. I just wanted to know if you cared enough about me to be honest and confirm what I knew.).

I understand that you do not want to cause a conflict in regards to your birthday, but I think there are many other ways to say that without letting me know you going have some dude over on your birthday. Now, on Xxx XXth :) when I’m chilling, getting wasted, all I’m going be thinking is someone else is giving you birthday sex (great visual) What was I supposed to say other than what I said? I have all kinds of visuals of you, too, but I hope that a visual doesn’t take away from love we actually have for one another

You talking to some guy about our issues really hurt. I do not know when I’ll get over that. Not really because you talked to some guy, but that you felt comfortable enough to do so with someone I never met/knew. Is he a friend?I thought he was, but in hindsight he was just an associate that I mistakenly confided in. Once I realized what it really was, I stopped opening up so much of my life and inner workings to him. Was this going on for a long time during our relationship? We were talking more heavily in June, so one solid month. Was there a reason I never knew of him? Not really, other than the fact that we just didn’t hang out. Has he always been on the sideline? What exactly do you mean by sideline? If you mean someone that I’ve talked to before, yes, I knew him long before I knew you. As far as sideline like someone I could or would be in a relationship with, or someone that I fooled around with when we were together, that answer is no. Is he still on the sideline? I do have some contact with that person (if this is what you mean) and understand that it needs to end in the event that you make it clear that we are to become more serious. Your recent actions (putting information out there because of spite) makes me question what else you would do if you felt like you got hurt. *Also it does not help to tell me that you had access to this person* I understand your questioning. However, I have acknowledged that problem and can only show you that when times get tough I won’t do the same. Also, the reason I mentioned access wasn’t to make you feel worried, it was to illustrate that even when I was feeling low that I didn’t cross that line.

You won't trust me when the time comes

The time will not come if we do not trust each other. Church.

You may not make it here to Xxxxx after all

I am coming to Xxxx (maybe not Xxxxx) depending on job situation.

You're seeing me as "less than

I will never see you as less than. However, I want to see you happy and doing what you want to do. If I see that not occurring then I will question how you see yourself. I feel that this may be a self-projection because no one I know you interact with(me included) say or act in a way for you to have that notion.

My current financial situation will scare you away.

I have known about your financial situation for 8yrs now and I’m still here. The only thing that would get me upset is if I do not see you trying to handle your financial situation. But right now, I am not in the position in your life to engage you in that type of conversation.

I love you XXXXXX and that will never change I love you, too, and always will.

Xxxxxx

[evenstevensranked]

#34: Season 3, Episode 7 - “Raiders of the Lost Sausage”

Louis accidentally discovers that there might very well be buried treasure under his house and he’s determined to retrieve it. An Indiana Jones parody ensues. Meanwhile, Ren and Larry are literally tied together by the school guidance counselor in an attempt to end their rivalry. It’s quality content.

The very first minute of this episode lets you know right away that you’ve hit good’ol zany as hell Season 3. It opens with an emu being delivered to the Stevens house. Yes, an emu. Louis ordered one on a whim one day. We get a flashback to when he ordered it, which is pretty great. He called the totally legit and not completely asinine sounding company “Emu For You” and started awkwardly dancing to the jazzy elevator hold music. 

Steve is the one who has to accept the emu delivery and is obviously furious. The bird immediately starts eating a family photo and I love how even in a professional, dressy portrait -- Louis is still wearing a Hawaiian shirt. 

I want a relationship with someone as strong as the bond between Louis Stevens and Hawaiian shirts. 

Louis is currently in the basement with Twitty and Tom, “bowling” with a frozen turkey and some soda bottles (the usual) -- when suddenly the frozen turkey goes flying through the wall, revealing a suspicious small tunnel. 

Steve confronts Louis about the emu and Louis pulls some lame excuse out of his butt for ordering it. He says they should start breeding emus. Steve is all “Breed emus.... With one bird...” pointing out that lil flaw in Louis’ idea. That’s pretty funny. There’s a bit here where Eileen finds a giant emu egg and interrupts their conversation through the basement window, and gets attacked by the bird. You don’t actually see it happening though, all you see are feathers flying everywhere. Steve goes to help her and he too gets attacked. I always cringe at this, tbh. It’s just one of those wacky Season 3 gags. Anyway... Louis, Twitty and Tom agree to meet up the next day and investigate the tunnel. 

Now, onto the subplot! We see Ren and Larry in Principal Wexler’s office, in trouble for accidentally pieing him in the face. They had the responsibility of choosing a new dessert for the cafeteria and couldn’t agree on one. They were goiiiing to pie each other, but Wexler walked between them that exact second. Of course. They’re still fervently arguing in front of Wexler so he decides that their rivalry has gone too far and they need to work it out with the school guidance counselor.

This photo makes me relate to the “....now kiss!” meme. 

Louis does some hardcore research on what that tunnel in the house might lead to and comes to an... interesting conclusion. He discovers that a man named Grover Frazee, creator of Frazee Sausages, owned the property their house is built on. He became super rich off of the company and Louis believes that he most likely buried his fortune at the end of the tunnel. Something interesting: take a look at the opening credits for the episode...

Written by SCOTT FRAZEE! Dude legit named this sausage guy character after himself, lol. I always thought that was cute. I’ve said many times before that the writers are always throwing personal things in. I love it. Check out Grover’s bio though... yikes. 

I’m not sure I’d be proud of that legacy. Also, he died at 43 years old... Pretty young. Maybe he ate a contaminated sausage and croaked. Also, all this talk of sausages feels like another innuendo. This show has no chill. 

Louis put so much effort into his analysis, though. He treated it like a freaking college research project. Again, if he put this much effort into actual school assignments, he’d give Ren a run for her scholastic money. Tom is pretty great here. He starts singing the “We bet, you’ll go crazy... for that great, taste of Frazeeeee” jingle. It’s fantastic. 

Ms. Shannon, the guidance counselor, decides to try an experimental exercise with Ren and Larry: Physically tying them together for 5 school days. As much as I looove this subplot, this always bothered me. Mainly because, how the heck does Ms. Shannon expect that to work? What if they have different classes, or need to be at different places at the same time, etc? We get a montage showing how they struggle with stuff like this throughout the day. The only issue is that the length of the leash dramatically changes depending on the scene. It’s so frustrating!  

They clearly kept changing the length just so certain ideas could work. It bothers me so much, lol. I’m also 100% positive that’s not even where Ren’s locker is. 

Louis, Twitty and Tom get to work shoveling out the tunnel. They bring in Beans to be their “dirt moving specialist” which is so annoying. He carries dirt in his pants from the basement to their laundry room like an idiot. They literally spend a minute showing him walking back and forth past Steve. It takes so long for Steve to catch on, it’s... ugh. 

Why is he standing on the top of the little mound like that? lol. He says he’s putting the dirt in the laundry room because “there’s a big, scary bird in the backyard!” 

Steve obviously goes down to the basement and catches them in the shoveling act. Twitty asks Louis what he’s going to do with his share of the money and Louis says “You know I’ve always wanted to travel. Help out the folks. Might even buy the old man a nice toupee, ahh?!” -- Unfortunately, Twitty is gone and replaced by Steve. We get a legendary Louis Scream. Can we talk about how Louis has always wanted to travel, though??? I suddenly want to see a happy Louis Stevens backpacking across the country later in life... oh wait. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Shia LaBeouf is Louis Stevens, y’all. The similarities never end. 

Steve is piiiissssed. Louis tries to explain that he’s done his research and there’s definitely... probably... buried treasure there. But, since Louis is always goofing off, Steve is convinced it’s another one of his crazy “half-baked schemes.” “NO! IT’S NOT HALF-BAKED! IT’S FULLY BAKED!!!” Louis insists. Steve basically temporarily grounds him. There’s a great bit with Donnie eating an emu egg that Eileen cooked for him. They’re delicious apparently, so she starts to see the bright side to having the bird around. “When life gives you lemons!” she says. And Donnie’s all “.......no, mom. They’re eggs.” What an underrated character. Steve walks in and starts complaining about Louis. Donnie pulls a 180 and tells him “You don’t have to believe in what Louis is doing. Just believe in Louis.” Dang, Donnie coming through with the proverbs. Steve takes this to heart and starts looking into Louis’ research. 

Louis is so smart when he wants to be. Steve appreciates this.

They make this scene into a trippy sequence with eerie tinkering piano in the background as Steve remembers Donnie’s reverberating words of wisdom. I’ve always really liked this. We think he’s hearing Donnie’s voice in his head, but it’s actually Donnie creeping from around the corner saying the sentence repeatedly. “I heard you the first time, finish your eggs!” Steve says. This is hilarious. Immediately after that, they make the hands on a clock spin out of control, making it seem like hours and hours are passing by while Steve looks into Louis’ research. But then Steve just walks up to it and says “...I gotta fix that clock.” I always thought this was so freaking funny but to this day my mom doesn’t understand the joke and it drives me craaaaaazy! Louis comes downstairs to apologize, and to his surprise... Steve is on his side now! They team up and start diggin’ for that treasure! While they’re digging we get two of the greatest lines in the entire series:

Steve: “Louis.... why aren’t you at school?”

Louis: “...Why aren’t you at work?” 

THIS IS SO PERFECT! I was going to point out that Louis, Twitty, Tom and Beans all should’ve been at school the whole time... but I was waiting until now to bring it up. TV shows always mess up timelines like that. This was such a hilarious way for the writers to acknowledge their mistake. So good. Mr. Scott Frazee and Co aren’t totally out of the woods, though. Louis and Steve are in the same clothes for basically the entire episode. But Larry and Ren’s subplot tells us that at least two days have gone by. Either Louis and Steve didn’t shower or change clothes for 2 days...... or they messed up. Oops. 

Back at school, Larry and Ren are tangled around a tree (again, the leash was like, a foot long when they were trying to get at their “lockers” -- but now it’s conveniently long enough for them to get tangled around a tree.) They’re stuck and talk about how this experiment has only made them resent each other more. 

But the longer they hate each other, the longer they’re tied together. So they both immediately get the idea to become fake fast friends so that Ms. Shannon will remove the leash. After frantically untangling themselves, they return to Ms. Shannon’s office and act all cuddly -- gushing over how well they get along after only two days! They say things in unison and Larry even calls Ren “silly soulmate.” Omg. Ms. Shannon agrees to untie them. 

They leave the office giggling and laughing at how they successfully tricked her, without realizing that the experiment worked, lol. They’re actually getting along and it’s beautiful ok...

I had to include this overabundance of screenshots because look how precious!! This episode always manages to remind me how SALTY I AM over the fact that they never got together. What a power couple they could’ve been. A giant missed opportunity for a big series finale plot twist, if you ask me. They slowly realize that they’re getting along and are freaked out. They start yelling the same exact sentences at each other.... in unison..... because they’re silly soulmates. That’s the end of the subplot. 

Back at the Stevens house, Louis and Steve have made it to the end of the tunnel. *dun dun dunnnn.* They reach a tiny door and use an extravagant key conveniently left under a little welcome mat before crawling inside the cave -- where a giant golden sausage is prominently displayed. 

This is another one of those moments where I notice how much Shia LaBeouf and Tom Virtue actually look like father and son. Also... as a critically thinking child, I always thought “how the hell does this cave even exist? It’s not like it’s under the basement. The layout literally makes it just another room next to the basement. So that entire cave, with a ridiculously tall ceiling, would need to fit under a section of their house. Improbable.” It sucks not being able to suspend reality sometimes. 

They approach the sausage and realize it might be booby-trapped. So they end up pulling an Indiana Jones. They even have Louis say, “I saw this in a movie once... You know what we need? A counterweight or something!” Slick. 

But also like the famous Indy scene, the cave starts to collapse. Steve says “.......is that an.... ominous rumble?” which I love. For whatever reason, Steve runs away but Louis stays still for a ridiculous amount of time. In fact, just long enough for the ground to break and leave a giant gap between them. Louis makes an (iconic) jump for it: 

Unfortunately, he drops the sausage once he reaches the other side and it falls down the gap into the great unknown. This makes me so incredibly frustrated every time, lol. But, they couldn’t exactly let the Stevens family become millionaires right? 

And that’s it!! The main plot of this episode was never one of my personal favorites, but it definitely gets a whole lot of iconic points. As I mentioned at the beginning, this is a zany Season 3 plot, which have always been a lil difficult for me to get into. But there’s no denying that Louis’ jump is hilarious and the whole idea for this episode, including the title, is golden (no pun intended.) Not to mention this is yet another episode that eerily predicted Shia LaBeouf’s future. We all know he went on to star in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Say what you will about that movie.. but... He was in it. Which marks another strange parallel between Louis and Shia tbh.

And of course, I absolutely adore the Ren/Larry subplot. It’s like, THE episode to convince you that a romance between the two of them should’ve happened. It’s just great honestly. 

Thanks for reading! Do you have any thoughts on this super memorable episode? Sound off below please! (Seriously, getting one little comment on here makes my day and reassures me that I’m not talking to myself lol) 

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[kevin-the-sea-cucumberbatch]

Don’t Leave Your House - Part 1

I posted this story to Reddit and everyone really liked it, so I wanted to post it here! I like reading horror stories and I also like writing them, so I might write more. Hope you guys like it!

(Link to original version here: https://www.facebook.com/autheauthor/)

Hey guys. So, I got a strange email from someone called TheMidnightRinger on gmail a few days ago. I didn’t recognize the name (none of my friends are that cliche), and I assumed it was just spam, but I decided to open it a few hours ago out of boredom. The email was blank, with the Subject Line only saying “LeavenedBread.01”. There were audio files attached, however. I had my computer scan them for viruses, and after deeming them safe, I gave them a listen. They’re really freaky, honestly. So freaky, I had to transcribe them and put them on here for you guys to read. Let me know what you think of them.

Diary 1: Monday

Uh, let’s see. Guess I’ll introduce myself. I’m John. John unintelligible. I go to unintelligible School. That’s uh, in North Carolina. We don’t have much, just lots of trees. I’m not a nature person, but it’s cool if that suits your fancy, I guess.

Now, what am I doing here? Well, Ms. Weathers, my teacher, has my English class doing this extended project. We all have to make audio logs about our daily lives, something about recording our trends and any anomalies in our otherwise consistent schedule. Yeah, I don’t really get it, either. Nothing much happens here. But we’re allowed to talk about anything we want, no holds barred. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’m a straight A student, so I can’t not do this assignment, you know? It’s actually worth a good portion of our final grade.

Anyway, these will probably be short. Like I said, nothing much happens here, except the unintelligible. Otherwise, it’s rather boring. Let’s see, today in school, I had gym, English, Geometry, and AP History. Uh…I ate a bologna sandwich for lunch. I walk home, I don’t take the bus. No one takes the bus.

That’s it. Well…actually…Liza Brown got sick in Geometry, today. Barfed chunks everywhere. I’ve never actually seen someone projectile vomit before. It was kinda cool to see, except she passed out afterward, and her nose started bleeding. Then the nurse came, Mrs. North. She unintelligible Mr. Humphrey was really scared, and we didn’t stop talking about it until after school ended. I think she’s fine, though. She’s our best tennis player. Strong, you know?

But yeah, that’s about the only interesting thing to happen today. Maybe the rest of the week will be as exciting. Stay tuned, I guess.

Diary 2: Tuesday

Hey guys. It’s John, John unintelligible. I’m in my room right now to record this. If you hear any loud noises, please excuse me. There have been a lot of cars going by our street lately.

Anyway, something interesting happened today. I mentioned a girl named Liza Brown in my previous recording, and how she got sick. Well, rumor is apparently she got hit with some really weird bug, and she may have been contagious. We got the whole works: announcement by Principal Rogers over the intercom, a lecture on washing our hands. We even got sent home early, and told not to touch any weird plants or substances we didn’t recognize. I haven’t seen anything strange lately, so I think I’m okay.

Anyway, I called my mom and told her about what happened. She just told me to stay inside. It’s kind of boring, staying inside, you know? I guess I get to play video games, but all of mine are pretty old. Everyone has the new Playstation, but I’ve still got the second one. They don’t really make games for it anymore.

Ms. Weathers told us to continue making these diaries. “Today will be a great anomaly for you to discuss in your recordings,” she said. I think I’m going to keep it brief though, to save you the trouble. If you found my recordings, I’m sure you’ve found someone else’s. They’re probably more interesting than me.

I don’t think Ms. Weathers knows about Liza. The principal told us not to talk about her, so she must’ve been out of the loop. I’m sure it’s common knowledge though, everybody is talking about her. I don’t know how she’s doing. I hope she’s okay.

Stay tuned, I guess.

Diary 3: Wednesday

Hi. It’s John. I’m still in my bedroom…yeah. I haven’t been able to leave the house. Like, literally. I was watching the news this morning, when I was eating my cereal, getting ready for school. The mayor has the town basically on lockdown. There’s a curfew at 6 pm, and the only ones allowed out past that are people with “Class 3 clearance.” I’ve never heard that term spoken on our news station before, it was kind of spooky. Like we’re in some kind of sci-fi movie. I then found out that all schools are closed for today.

Thing is, my mom manages the Research Lab at unintelligible, the local university. She called me at around lunchtime, and told me she wouldn’t be home for a while. She got an immediate job upgrade, which would be exciting if under some different circumstances. She’s Class 3 now. She won’t tell me what that means. She couldn’t even tell me about what her old job entailed. I guess it’s all hush-hush.

My English class has been emailing each other, non stop. Graham unintelligible is refusing to do this assignment, but the rest of us think he’s overreacting. He’s freaking out over Liza, and thinks what happened to her is connected to what’s happening around the city. I mean, no one’s allowed to enter or leave. But, she’s just one girl. I don’t know how she got sick, but I haven’t heard of anyone else exhibiting the same symptoms. I’m sure it’s just the flu, or something.

Which is weird, because we haven’t had a flu bug around here in two years.

Diary 4: Friday

Hey, it’s John. I know, I skipped a day, but, some…interesting things happened. My mom is still at unintelligible University. My dad has been missing for seven years. Sorry, that doesn’t matter. Um, what I’m getting at is that I’m currently alone in the house.

Yesterday, the cable news ran all day instead of ending at 11, it’s usual time. They reported some people getting sick. Projectile vomiting, bloody noses, and a new symptom, swelling in the throat and brain. It sounds like Liza. I know I told you guys that I hadn’t heard of anyone else coming down with…whatever this is, but…it’s happening. Not going to lie, I’m scared. So scared, I did some research.

I’m friends with a few people in Geometry, so I texted them, and they’re all feeling okay. They don’t know of anyone else getting sick, either. Those guys on the news are all over 40, but come from pretty different backgrounds and cultures. Liza is the only young one that I know of. Not only that, but her name wasn’t listed on the news report. That caught my attention.

She’s like, Patient Zero, right? Or at least, I think she is. She was the first case I know of, but it’s actually more likely that someone somewhere else came down with this illness before her. Question is, how exactly did Liza get it? And is it really contagious?

Only time will tell. But now, another anomaly. It’s like 11 in the morning, right now. The news has been talking about the weather for the last two hours. Yes, the weather. There has been no rain, even though there’s a 79% chance of it. The sun has been shining, there hasn’t been a hint of a cloud. It’s very benign, yet strange. And highly annoying. I want them to talk about this sickness, or this lockdown. ANYTHING else.

I want this curfew to be lifted. I want to leave the house. I CAN leave, but my mom told me not to. I’m not going to leave the house. When will she be home?

Diary 5: Saturday

It’s John. The news hasn’t been on all day. I’ve been watching Tom and Jerry since 7 this morning. It’s weird, I haven’t woken up that early to watch cartoons since I was a kid. Heck, I haven’t woken up that early on a Saturday period.

I’m honestly so bored. I tried to play video games, but staring at the screen for so long hurt my eyes. I then tried to take a nap, but my mind was racing. So, I decided to record another one of these. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of terrified. I don’t know what’s going on outside. Every time I look out the window, I see an empty street. I haven’t heard any cars going by. A dog used to bark, but now it doesn’t. I don’t even hear my neighbors opening their front doors or garage doors anymore. It’s almost like we’re under lockdown in our homes, too.

I want to leave. I can leave. But my mom told me not to. I think I should listen to her? I should, right?

I think she came home late last night. I fell asleep at around 2 am, playing around on my phone. I’m upset I missed her. She made me a bowl of cereal and left it on the coffee table. She must’ve been in a hurry. I haven’t eaten it yet. I’m not hungry. I should eat it soon, before it gets all soggy. I wish she’d called me.

Diary 6: Sunday

We haven’t gone to church since my father went missing seven years ago. I don’t remember the experience, much. I don’t know why I keep bringing my dad up.

My mom called me today, finally. She apologized for not having been home. I told her it was fine, she must be really busy. She still can’t tell me what’s she’s working on. She sounded tired. I told her to make some cereal and she laughed, called me weird. Then she had to go. She only gets short breaks.

She came home again last night, though. I never ate the cereal, and I never moved it. This morning I found it in the bathroom, just chilling in the bathtub. She’s playing a joke on me, I’m sure. She has to be. All the doors and windows are locked. I haven’t gone outside yet.

I tried texting a few people today, but most of them didn’t answer me. Graham and Marcila did, though. I probably should’ve mentioned Mar before. She’s one of my best friends. I don’t know why she hasn’t come up yet. Maybe because of this “sickness” business.

Well, two drastically different conversations. I should note that my wifi is painfully slow. I only have enough patience to record and upload these, browsing any other site is just not worth the time and effort. Graham’s wifi is much faster than mine, since he lives in unintelligible. It’s a nice place. Smelly, though.

He’s been finding out as much as he can about the sickness. So far, there haven’t been any other documented cases. He thinks there are more though, but THEY aren’t telling us. I asked him to tell me what “THEY” he was referring to, but he just told me “The Other Ones.” Graham’s always been kinda quirky, so I left it at that.

He asked me if I’d been by the school yet. I told him I couldn’t leave the house. He asked me why not. I told him unintelligible. He started to cry, and then he didn’t reply to any of my other texts. I don’t know what happened. Honestly, remembering our conversation makes me exhausted. Think I’ll take a nap.

I’ll tell you about my friend Mar, tomorrow.

Diary 7: Monday

It’s John. The news finally came back on, again. Much to my chagrin, all they said was that the schools would reopen tomorrow, but the curfew was still in place. Then, the weather. I couldn’t stand another three hours of them discussing the high chances of snow despite it being Springtime, so I turned it off. I’m happy things will be getting back to normal.

Oh yeah, Marcila. When I talked to her, she was just as freaked out as me over the turn of events. She and her family were told by their neighbors not to go into town to buy anything. I have enough in my house where I’d be okay, especially since I live alone, but she has parents and siblings who must be taken into account. They need to eat. Her older brother went into town to buy something, apparently, but he has yet to come back. Yeah, I talked to her not too long ago today, as well. He still hasn’t been back. No calls, no messages, anything. Her folks are worried sick.

When I told her not to go outside, she told me to stop being ridiculous. I told her that if she went outside, she needed to stay on her property. I don’t know if she took me seriously, but I hope she does. Maybe it will be okay, now that the schools will be open. But my mom hasn’t told me to leave the house yet. I don’t want to leave the house yet.

I don’t know why she won’t just wake me up when she comes home at night. It’s like a game, now. I haven’t touched that bowl of cereal, and my mom is just moving it around the house. Yeah. Today I found it in my closet. Oddly enough, the milk is still pearly white, and the frosted and dried flakes of wheat aren’t soggy at all. It’s almost so perfect that I don’t want to eat it even if me and my mom weren’t…doing whatever it is we’re doing.

Diary 8: Tuesday

My mom called me, just before I was about to leave for school. She told me not to leave the house. Then she hung up. I didn’t leave. I haven’t left the house, yet. I’m doing what she told me.

I got the worst anxiety attack today. I had to sit in my closet, in the dark, for a while to calm down. I took the cereal with me. I haven’t eaten it yet. For some reason, it comforted me immensely. I’ve never noticed it before, but it smells a lot like lemons. I like lemons.

Anyway, the news keeps talking about the weather. I don’t know where they get off on this stuff. It’s been sunny and perfect all day every day since last week. There’s been no hail, or snow, or rain, or an “intensely thick fog.” It’s so annoying I can hardly stand to watch it, anymore.

I talked to Mar about my frustration. She told me that her younger sister went outside to play in the backyard the other day, and came back soaking wet, and gaunt, “like she hadn’t eaten in weeks.” She was only outside for fifteen minutes. It really freaked her out. I mean, it sounds freaky right? But I’ve seen her sister, and she was already pretty skinny. I think she’s overreacting. Anyway, I told her not to go to school, and she said she couldn’t go anyway, since her sister recently came down “with something” and she had to help take care of her. She won’t tell me if that something was the same as what Liza had.

I spoke to Graham, too. He said he went to school today. That’s it. I asked him how it went, how he was doing. Then he told me, “Just come to school.” Now THAT started to freak me out. He’s a paranoid conspiracy theorist, and he hasn’t addressed me that calmly since…I don’t even know when. I don’t know what’s changed in him. I asked him if he researched anything else.

All he tells me is to come back to school.

Diary 9: Wednesday

Today I found the bowl of cereal in the strangest place yet. It was in my drawer, stuffed inside one of my socks. Yeah. I didn’t think they could stretch that much, but…they can. It wasn’t wet or anything. When I pulled it out, carefully mind you, the cereal was still pretty perfect. I’m sure it would be spoiled by now, right? Yet it’s not. Still smells like lemons.

Anyway, I spent the majority of my day wondering what to do with my time. I’ve read every book in this house. Played half of my games from start to finish. I’m probably going to do the other half tomorrow. You’d think a week without school would be more enjoyable. Maybe it’s because I can’t leave the house.

I tried to call my mom today, but she didn’t answer. It’s been a while since we talked. I don’t know why she won’t just speak to me when she comes home? Maybe she wants me to get my sleep. I think I’m going to stay up all night, and wait for her. Maybe then we can eat the cereal. Maybe then she can tell me why I can’t go outside.

Diary 10: Thursday

I tried, I really tried. I even took a nap yesterday to make sure I stayed up all night. I don’t know what happened. I sat in the living room, watching cartoons, waiting for my mom to get home. The front door never opened. I thought I saw the headlights of her jeep through the window at around 3 am, but I guess it was something else.

I STAYED AWAKE ALL NIGHT. I know I did. The sun came up. The newws came on. I even sat through the boring weather until 1 pm. I was so tired. So tired. But before I gave up and took a nap, I looked around.

The cereal bowl, which I left on the kitchen counter, had been moved to the basement. Just sitting thhere, on the dirty floor. I don’t know how my mother doees it. Not only is the basement door just a few feet away from the back of the couch, but it’s super squeaky. I would have heard it if it opened. I didn’t hearr anything, at all. I wish she’d stop doing this to mee. She won’t answer my calls or texts. I’m worriied.

I don’t know if sshe’s the one moving the cereal. I don’t know why it hasn’t spoiledd yet. I don’t know why I can’t go outside. I waant to try, but I can’t. I can’t.

Ddoes anyone else experience this? Or am I going crazy?

Diary 11: Friday

I feel like I’m the only one alive. I texted Mar today, just to feel sane. Her sister has gotten worse, apparently. Right before the news started reporting nonstop about the weather, we were warned to call a hotline about any friends or family members who’d come down with those strange symptoms. Mar’s family doesn’t want to report her sister, because they think she’ll get taken away. I understand their fear, as they have yet to hear from Mar’s older brother. But I’m worried about them. They might get sick, too. They’re steadily running out of food.

Mar’s father wants to go into town and buy something, but Mar and her mother keep him from leaving. That’s smart. They tried dialing the neighbors for help. No one replied. They’re at a loss.

I tried texting some of my friends and classmates. None of them reply. Not even Graham, anymore. I checked my email today, and the last two were from Ms. Weathers and Nurse North. Ms. Weathers is “worried about my attendance” and wants me to come back to class. I didn’t know what to say, so I haven’t replied yet.

Mrs. North sent out a more generic message, that I think she sent to all the students. All about the importance of washing our hands. Except, there’s something weird with it. I can’t put my finger on it. For one, she’s the only other adult I’ve seen mention the strange sickness, which I’ve come to call the D-Disease. Second, her word choice is just plain strange. Here is her email:

Greeting students!

Hello, this is Mrs. North. Each of you will be receiving this email. Lately, you may have heard about a few people catching the flu. Please do not be alarmed about this news, but do take it seriously.

Remember to keep up your personal hygiene! Everyone has germs, and we must do our part not to spread them. Allergies go absolutely haywire at this time of year. Don’t forget to cover your cough!

Teachers, don’t think that excludes you! Half of the work lies on you, as well. Educate your students on the proper way to clean their possessions, and their hands. You are responsible.

Hopefully, this email has reached your ears. Encourage your friends and family to stay healthy and wash their hands. Always remain steadfast in the fight against germs. Read this email carefully!

-North.

We haven’t been told to wash our hands so many times since elementary school. I’m sure there’s more to all of this. I just have to figure it out.

In other news, I can’t find the bowl of cereal. It’s hidden somewhere real good this time. Do I even want to find it? I’m not sure. It’ll pass the time at least.

I want to keep these up. They help me keep my sanity. Who knows, someone might find these, and be able to give me a few answers. Every day is getting harder and harder. Hopefully things will get back to normal, soon.

That’s that, for now. I don’t know what to make of them. TheMidnightRinger sent me these yesterday, so maybe he’ll send more later. It sounds like John has more to tell us, and honestly, I’m curious as to what’s going on. My cousin was vomiting nonstop two days ago and it’s really worrying me.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

The Return of Cringe-Worthy Excerpts | Old Writing #6

Hey People of Earth!

So @sarahkelsiwrites​ and I decided to play another round of Cringe-Worthy Excerpts. I’m going to explain the rules here, AKA copy and paste what I wrote last time:

Basically, she’s generating a random word, and then we both look through alllllll of our book projects and share the cringiest lines. I’m actually going to share excerpts from all my finished works, AKA, on top of my 7 real novels, I’ll be sharing from my other ‘books’ as well. So 10 rounds of cringe.

And to quote past me:

These are all unedited. I didn’t touch ‘em for this game.

If you want to take part in this, please do! Here’s a link to PART ONE if you missed it!

NUMBER ONE:

Book: Sophie and Jake (2014)

(we stopped talking about the titles ok)

Word searched: Falling (don’t have a falling, using fall)

Excerpt (bear with me I’m literally dying):

“You, you understand me.” I feel my eyes get wet. I let the tear fall off my cheek and into my lap. Jake walks over to me, and puts his arm around me. He pulls me close and mumbles in my hair. He understands me. I think. I just sit there and sob in the arms of the man I was supposed to kill.

I’m going to go scream into a pillow now.

AND HE’S A FLIPPING BOY.

NUMBER TWO:

Book: The Dreamer (2014)

(we talked about the titles before, I understand if you need to barf now)

Word searched: Area

Excerpt:

I look up at the ceiling and stare at the shiny area. “Lake?” “Yes?” “Do you really like me for what I am? Was it true when you’d told me that you like me for me, not my face?” he sighs. “I meant every single word I said. You’re my special girl.” He smiles down on me. “You know, you’re special too. I’ve met many humans in my life, but you’re the only one who helped me control my dreams. You’re the reason I don’t dream violently anymore.”

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SHOOK IN MY LIFE OH MY GOD THIS IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER WRITTEN OH MY GOD I’M DYING.

RIP RACHEL 2K17

I can’t even read that over, I’m literally covered in chills of cringe.

THE TRAUMA.

Je suis shaking.

LAKE???? NOOOO WHYYY POR QUEEEEE. ABORT MISSION ABORT. I FORGOT THAT WAS HIS NAME.

NUMBER THREE:

Book: The Treated (2014)

Word searched: Glance

Excerpt:

In and out, in and out. Calm down Meg. I keep my hands clasped tightly together and try my hardest to calm myself. I glance at my timer, forty-two seconds until Implantation. Forty-one seconds until my smile is stolen from me. Forty seconds until a chip is planted in my brain that stops me from smiling. Thirty-nine seconds before the chip is able to zap my brain if I dare raise the corners of my mouth.

‘Cos this is totally how you insert thoughts into narrative.

I don't smile anymore because of this excerpt.

NUMBER FOUR:

Book: Perks and Drawbacks (2014)

(I don't even have to share an excerpt with that cringe-ass title)

Word searched:

Excerpt:

“Yeah that’s great, get some paper will you?” he cuts me off. I stalk over to my dresser, grabbing the notebook I was using earlier and tearing two sheets from it. I grab two pencils and toss one at Gage. I hand him a sheet of paper and get back to my own. I immediately start sketching out his face shape, then his eyes. When I get to the hair I sigh, what? It takes a long time for it. I have to say, this one turns out even better than the last. I hold it up to compare it to the real thing, even though I prefer the latter. He looks up from his drawing, holding his own next to me. “Ready?” I ask, anxious. “Yep, on three, one two three!” we flip our drawing around. I immediately grab his. “Gage.” I mumble shocked. “What? Thought I couldn’t draw?” I look back down at the picture of me. It’s the moon. “That’s, wow.” I mumble again.

NOOOOOOOOOOO

Kill me.

#thatswow

#gagesoundslikesomedudethatwouldbeapartofanaltpopband

#gage

#hernameisfuckingstar

#alsotheresagirlnamedocean

#andanothergirlnamedphoenix

#andaguynamedLEAF

THAT’S WOW

NUMBER FIVE:

Book: Fostered (2014)

Word searched: Mess

Excerpt:

I love you guys, so I’m sharing two. :)

He raises the hand with his knife as to strike me with it, making half of the cage of his arms on the sides of my head disappear. I break my arm free from under him, snatching his wrist, the knife inches from me. I don’t bother trying anything else as this would mess with my plan. “You little.” He mutters, twisting my hand painfully and grabs my other, pinning them flat to the ground. I force my arms down, biting my lip from the pain. I thrust my knee into his back, flipping him over me.

#thereturnofyoulittle

#why

YOU LITTLE

“That’s easy, you don’t have to. I’m here, Ris is here, Essie’s here and we’re gonna help you too. You don’t have to be alone Reeve.” Foster answers for me, keeping his eyes on the ground, the faint tinge of pink fluttering across his cheeks. “But what if it doesn’t work out in the end? What if I mess up all over again? I’m going to trip over my own feet again, and I don’t know how to get back up again. What do I do?” I ask, my throat constricting. I feel the itch of frustrated tears sneak up on me, but I blink them back, not daring to let them spill over. By now, I realize I’m not talking about how we’re gonna get out of here. I’m talking about myself.

#fetusfosever

#immatripovermyownfeettooreeve

NUMBER SIX:

Book: This Is Where The End Starts (2014)

Word searched: White

Excerpt:

“So it’s gonna be different now, but hey, I’m here for you, okay Quinn?” she says, waiting for an answer. I stare at the ceiling, eyes sliding across the smooth white, getting lost in it, thinking of something to say. It’s a while when I finally do decide to say something, eyes now shut. She’s there for me. “Thanks.” I tell her, smile on my face.

That was the end of a scene. I wish there was more material to cringe with in this book, but for some reason I didn't actually suck as much at writing this book, even though I wrote it at the same time as FOSTERED?

NUMBER SEVEN:

Book: Hunted (Fostered #2, 2015)

Word searched: Dear

Excerpt:

“They know she’s not entirely there, so they don’t let her go anywhere. It’s pretty much a prison but I know she’s safe because of that. They won’t let her get out and she won’t leave.” His smile this time, is rueful and smaller than before, it almost dropping completely. He shrugs before shifting his eyes back over to the road, early morning sunlight filtering through the window in long rays. Harrison grabs something from the cup holder, putting the sunglasses on and grabbing me a pair from the top compartment. “Don’t want to get a headache from dear old Motherfucking Nature, now would we?” he asks me, and I look at him for a bit before lightly putting them on, the immediate relief of not having to squint through sunlight there and real. “Head better?” he murmurs after a while, speeding up, speedometer slowly ticking further to the right. “Harrison?” I croak out instead of answering his question, thinking back to when that slip of a memory came hurling back toward me when Lonan kicked me in the face. “Hmm?” I hesitate before I ask, biting my tongue hard at the throbbing of the steady pain at the back of my head. “Why’d you really help me when Lonan and Holly were gonna kill me?” I ask, hopefully nonchalant as I slowly edge myself onto the topic I really want to know about. I see him tense, bright sun outlining his silhouette. Harrison lets out a few sighs before quickly glancing at me, then to the road again. “Don’t be a fucktard,” he starts, small smile twitching at his lips. “first off, that’s not the question you were going to ask, and second, to answer that crap, it’s because I care Reeve. You seriously think I give a shit about whether or not you’re alive for the fricken government’s sake? You need to be alive because I want you alive. Tell me the real one, will you?”

Lol don’t be a fucktard - Harrison, 2k15

#italmostdroppingcompletely

#LONAAAAAAAN

#LONANBRUHYOUKICKEDHERINTHEFACEYOUDICKWADWOW

(lonan was once an antagonist)

(ha)

This was long. Because Harrison.

NUMBER EIGHT:

Book: Resisted (FOSTERED #3, 2015)

Word searched: Managing

Excerpt:

“Reeve, we need to go.” Harrison says, breaths hitching as he continues to listen to my sobbing shrieks. “Let me go, Ris! Put me down – I-I – let me please go back! [SPOILER]!” “I’m sorry –” “No!” I cry, somehow managing to squirm one arm free. I use it to push myself away, although it’s a struggle to run back into the house, passed the heavy wood door and to the kitchen where [SPOILER]’s body still lies limply, Lonan pacing a few feet away.

sobbing shrieks be like.

IS IT TOO LATE NOW TO SAY SORRYYYYY

NUMBER NINE:

Book: I’m Disappointed (2015)

(Using original draft for maximum cringe)

Word searched: Base

Excerpt:

“Yeah it is.” Her breath catches in her throat and I know she’s crying. “I’m sorry about everything, Clifford. I’m sorry that you went through such a tough time yesterday and no one was there to help you when we should’ve been. Cliff, I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re home though. I don’t know what any of us would do if you were gone.” “Lucky for you,” I sniff. “I’m not going anywhere.” Instead of leaving Grace, I take a seat on her bed, and she wheels forward. For a few minutes, we talk about yesterday. And what happened. What exactly Julian did. What I shouldn’t have. But we talk. And I like that. By the time we’re done, and I really am tired, I leave her with a final hug, and then go back to my own room, the real headache sprouting from the base of my skull, up to the tips of my ears.

I don't even know if this scene exists in the current version, LOL. Not that cringy, to be honest. For draft one, yeah, this isn't bad.

NUMBER TEN:

Sarah’s fresh outta projects, so I’m on my own!

Book: Hollowed (FOSTERED #4, 2016)

Word searched: Square

Excerpt:

It saddens me to share this excerpt since it’s so recent. lol

rip.

“Jesus, that was artful. So what? Is he sick of just being the sidekick now? He actually wants to be useful—” A hand yanks me back when I’m about to throat-punch him. When I turn around, it’s Ris. His eyes are warning and low, but he doesn’t say anything when he snatches Lincoln up by his shirt and lands a punch square on his nose for me. “Don’t fucking talk about my best friend like that,” He says, dusting his hands off as he watches blood spatter all along the floors. “You are an insignificant prick.” “God, all of you are so violent—” “Enough!” Lonan shouts, slamming his fist hard against the mahogany table. “I am done with your bullshit, I am done with your stupid words, and irritating mannerisms! If you don’t answer her questions, I’ll kill you and find my answers somewhere else! Stop prancing around like you know everything!”

lol.

the things I do for you.

IRRITATING MANNERISMS!

LONAN IS DONE!

MORTIFICATION!

plz laugh at me.

NUMBER ELEVEN:

Book: Fostered #5 (2017!)

Word searched: Least

Excerpt:

Foster woke up a few minutes ago. But before he could question what happened, I was out of there. I don’t know if Lonan and Ris are explaining what he did to me, but at this point, I’m too numb to even care. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I know something inside of him is flaking and cracking—like shattering porcelain, but I don’t know why. After at least twenty minutes have past, and no one’s come looking for me, I keep going. Deeper and deeper into the station I go, walking until my legs are tired and burning, feet are aching with the weight of my body. I walk like my problems are behind me. Leave them in the shadows flicking across the walls where they belong.

the angst.

the recent excerpts are the worst to share to be honest.

I hide.

Okay, that’s it for now! I had so much fun writing this up again, regardless if I died a couple times. I’ll link Sarah’s post above once it’s up! Hope you guys enjoyed! And if you’d like to participate, please do, and tag us!

--Rachel

[projectsoleil]

Bit the Apple | Papillon | Trial 6.9 (AYYY) | Re: Everyone Is Here Now! But Rev's Evil! | Attn: Rev, Nate

Despondent.

That’s the word to best describe Papillon in the beginning. They feel a million miles away from the trial room as the story continues to unfold. They hear Abe and Shougo tell them off for giving up so easily, they see Fergus struggling to break free of his cage, they feel the sorrow in the air as Red and Leo realize they regret their decisions.

And they’re not alone.

Papillon’s regretting their decisions too — all of the ones leading up to this moment. They never should’ve left their house the day they met Nate, never should’ve Uploaded to hunt him down after they couldn’t get him out of their head, never should’ve agreed to come with him to this battle royale tournament.

Because if they never left their house that day, they would’ve never learned what it felt like to have a home…

…And to lose him.

They know they should pull themselves together (god, why do Abe and Shougo have to be the ones who are right?), but they can’t figure out how. They’re too far from the room, too lost in their haze of grief to find their way back—

But returning to their body has never been a graceful process for Papillon.

So much to no one’s surprise, this time isn’t any different.

(One of the downsides of Upload is how jarring it feels to wake up.

One moment they’re virtual, the next they’re jolting awake. Although they no longer shriek from the mental shock, the intensity has never dulled. Every time they return, their chest still heaves like they’ve just run a marathon. All their senses are uncomfortably sharp for the first minute or so too, a byproduct of the fight-or-flight type reaction their body has to becoming conscious again.

They have yet to get used to the sensation. Because even though they’re merely waking up, Papillon has wondered more than once if this what it feels like to come back to life.)

When all hell breaks loose as help arrives, Papillon feels a shock all too similar to the one they experience when returning to their body. It takes their breath away, then returns it the next moment. It looks and sounds and feels like everything is happening all at once, but they don’t mind the intensity.

After all, it’s just a sign they’re alive.

…And thankfully, so is Nate.

They don’t have the opportunity to call out to him though, because the moment there’s a lull in the action, they’re swept off their feet— literally. And soon after they notice everyone else is in a similar gravitational predicament, the Boss arrives.

Celestial Revolution’s entrance is impressive, objectively speaking, but Papillon isn’t any mood to let her know as much. Surely it’d just make her ego even bigger (which, now that they see her like this, is probably massive enough to have a gravitational pull of its own). So they instead take a moment to spite Rev by calling out to Nate first… and also because making of her somehow (which is their preferred method of spite) could very well lead to Papillon getting tossed into the electrical currents of their gay baby jail enclosure.

“Hey, Nate! You can’t take a fucking second from kicking ass to say hi to us? I thought you ate shit, you guys took so long to get here. Eugh, I’m never letting you fuck up evil robots without me again.”

There’s more they want to say — so much more, actually — but they focus their attention on Rev for now. They’re not sure whether they prefer having to reason with someone as eerily composed as her or emotional live wires like Red and Leo. Neither have been easy to deal with. But since she seems willing (and almost eager) to discuss the true nature of this project, they decide to ask questions while they can.

“So uh, not to burst your egotistical, Elon Musk-esque space freak bubble, but how are you so sure the Ultimate Life Form will listen to you? If you say some cliche bullshit like, ‘They’ll listen to me because I created them,’ I swear to god I’ll lose my fucking chill.

“I know we didn’t talk one-one-one a lot — and honestly, thank god we didn’t — but you must’ve heard from someone that we found out people’s souls or consciousnesses or whatever the fuck you choose to call them are in the creatures here, yeah? The things we fought in the gauntlet had actual memories and shit of people who were here. I’d Uploaded into them, and instead of a normal mainframe, I’d end up in like someone’s mind palace.”

Papillon, please don’t use the phrase ‘mind palace’ when talking to an evil genius mastermind about something actually worrisome.

They scowl at Celestial Revolution, looking more disgusted than angry.

“And the same goes for the fucked up ULF prototype Leo let escape. I decided to try Uploading into it and didn’t last long because there was so much going on. There were so many fucked up memories and voices and— and just a ton of remnants of, like, actual people. And that was the goddamn prototype.

“Did you know some part of people’s souls or whatever get put in those things when their powers and DNA get inserted too? Was that accounted for? If so, I’d love to hear all about your evil little failsafe for your little evil project to get the alien-senpais to notice you. ‘Cause not gonna lie, I bet the ULF won’t even listen to a fucking word the aliens have to say, let alone anything that comes from your mouth.”

Papillon huffs in annoyance as they finish their rant. Their heart might be racing from how terrifying this situation is and how much more terrifying the outcome may be, but now that Nate and the others are here, they feel they’ve found their footing again.

…Metaphorically speaking, of course.