#now but the way people call people i wouldn't use the word friend in relation to their friend in english. we're very casual friends. but we

[rainachaeri]

She does, and with some stuffed dollies too :D No favorites though. They're pretty much just for the aesthetics

Absolutely! But I don't think she'd see animals as pets since they're more like friends to her. Not sure about the child one, she's gonna need a lot of help (hehe) with taking care of one.

I dont get this question, cuz I myself know who her love interests are but she doesn't yet. Should she still describe them anyway? Is that what the answer is supposed to be here? Idk lol maybe I'd back on this another time.

Hell yeah

Yeah! About anything! Snakes, rocks, flags, the word hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, the first 10 digits of pi, a snowflake, the evolution of microphones, and pretty much anything that would interest her, and there's a lot that would interest her!

No matter what, she'll trust her fellow deities advice (and herself) since they know. And Papyrus too. So far theres no specific person she won't listen to advice for just yet.

Silly. Smart. Stupid. As for how she'd describe herself: Human. Student. Girl. OR! She is a B, C, and D. :D

She likes puzzles, no matter how complex it can get.

Nope.

She's totally fine with the age she has now and it's definitely her age, yep! She didn't just make it up or anything nope.

She'll give it away :) (you'd question why she'd join the lottery in the first place, but she probably just wanted to know what would happen and how it worked)

She can enjoy it

She would if she had any :D

She wouldn't. People should enjoy what they want without guilt!

Well, school and work is definitely not a waste of time for her. Everything she puts time and effort on is no waste :D there's always something to learn from everything she tries or does

Whatever it is she wears now

Yes! They're just smaller, younger mortals!

*shrugs*

Technically yeah she would

Math I guess (and other sciences related to it), if she's around dumb people (like me). And no one probably likes mosquitoes, or cockroaches, or pretty much any insect or living being that people are typically disgusted with or afraid of, but she does :D

Idk probably if she no longer feels comfortable? She's not one to stay silent on the important things I think, if she realizes there's a pressing problem/issue in the relationship then she HAS to address it. If they fix it, good, if not, well, they tried, but there's no point forcing things when they simply don't work. It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's gonna hurt a lot more otherwise. There won't be a last straw.

Not sure if she likes it. If it's a really good pet name, she'll love it at best and if it's meh she's neutral about it at worst. Pet names are kinda harmless, so even if she doesn't like a nickname someone gives to her she'll shrug it off I think. Just mortal things she supposed, may as well let them at it. An exemption though if the petname is just so insulting to her (congrats if you managed to find a petname that would be insulting for her), and in that case NOPE please call her something else. Please. She's not one to use petnames either. She prefers addressing everyone with their name. Even the ones she's very close with

Novelty

Honesty

Possibility

Effort

Forgiveness

Maybe

Sliding down a rainbow and landing on a pot of gold. Sometimes the gold is a pile of candies. Sometimes they're cotton candies. Sometimes the pot is just liquid chocolate. (She intentionally dreams all this by the way)

She's not gonna like that question 😅

oc asks that reveal more than you think

Do they sleep with a stuffed animal? If they have multiple, who’s the favorite?

Can they take care of a plant? What about a pet? What about a child?

Ask them to describe their love interest.

Do they look good in red?

Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Will they give one, and what about?

Who will they take advice from, no matter what it is? Who won’t they take advice from, no matter what it is?

Describe them in three words. Now let them describe themself in three words.

Do complex puzzles intrigue or frustrate them?

Do they empathize with non-sentient things (dolls, plants, books…)?

What age do they most want to be right now?

They’ve won the lottery. Spend, or save?

Do they like romance in the books they read (or in the book they’re in)?

Name one thing their parents taught them.

Would they agree with the term ‘guilty pleasure’? Do they have any?

What would they consider a waste of time– other than school or work?

If money wasn’t a limit, what would they wear?

Do they like children?

Kissing: tongue or no tongue?

Do they study before tests? Practice before job interviews?

What do they like that nobody else does?

What would it take for them to break up with someone? What would be the last straw?

Do they like being called pet names? Do they call other people pet names? What’s their go-to?

Stability or novelty?

Honesty or charity?

Safety or possibility?

Talent or effort?

Forgiveness or vengeance (or…)?

Would they date a fixer-upper?

What recurring dreams do they have?

What would they do if they knew it would be forgiven?

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[maddy-ferguson]

is having a friend crush more embarrassing than having a real crush. maybe

[timeloop-angel]

Ayyee haunted by amatonormativity hour

[theamberfist]

Like Father, Like Child | Part 3 | Alastor x Exorcist! Reader

Familial! Alastor + Exorcist! Adopted Child! Reader

Description:

(Notes: CW Alastor, mentions of murder, fallen angels) (gender neutral reader) (reader is Alastor's adopted child from when they were alive) (Part 3 of Like Father, Like Child)

Part 1, Part 2

❀ We've got a song in this one! (Sometimes I like to write in songs I find if they fit the scene since Hazbin Hotel is a musical after all!) ❀

Words: 3,687

"...Vox?" Velvette's voice finally called out, breaking the silence that had been enveloping the room. In front of her, the TV demon sat staring at the screen and panting heavily; almost like he'd just run a marathon that he'd been severely unprepared for. "You alright...?" When her companion didn't answer, she exchanged a glance with Valentino, who simply shrugged as if this wasn't her problem too.

Velvette rolled her eyes, leaning forward to gently touch Vox's shoulder in an attempt to wake him from whatever trance he'd gone into while watching the battle on TV. The second her hand made contact with him, he seemed to finally snap out of it with a start.

"Vox?" The fashionable overlord asked with a bit of concern in her voice. To her surprise and slight relief, the man demon with the TV head began laughing. It started quietly at first but as time went on, the sound got louder and louder, progressing into full-on cackles as he finally leaned back and cast his gaze upward. His laughter could probably heard from all the way down the hall as he brought a hand up to his head. Had he had any hair, he likely would have been running his fingers through it manically. 

Finally, the laughter subsided and he breathed a long, deep gasp. "Fuck, that was a show!" He exclaimed excitedly. The other two overlords watched him with interest, but also a bit of concern. 

"Who...Knew?" Vox finally asked as slowly stood from his chair and headed closer to the TV, which was paused on an image of Alastor and you right before you melted away into the shadows. "Who knew the great Radio Demon actually had something he cared about?"

"And an exorcist, too." Val added as he blew another puff from his cigarette. "I wouldn't have expected him to know anyone from heaven."

"If they're an exorcist then they're probably just as sick in the head as he is." Velvette said, returning to her phone now to post on her story, "Interesting how he seemed to defend them though, wasn't it?" 

"What the hell was that?!" Vox asked suddenly, putting a hand to the TV screen, "They were supposed to be fighting against the angels and then he just goes and saves one of them? What are they, friends or something?" 

"Don't get too jealous..." Velvette mumbled under her breath so that Vox didn't hear it. 

"He probably thinks he can use them for something," Valentino shrugged. It would be idiotic for Alastor to even try that, though; everyone knew the angels would never work alongside demons for anything, and especially not the exorcists. Unless, of course, the two of you had some kind of personal relation no one knew about. 

Vox laughed again, turning around to face his two companions. When his laughter died out he finally breathed in once more. "We can use this." 

"Can we?" Velvette asked, mostly uninterested in the idea. She and Val really didn't have the same beef with Alastor that their co-worker did and she'd always preferred to stay uninvolved with it. 

"If Alastor of all people cares enough to save them," Vox paused, an insane look on his face, "An exorcist, what will everyone think when they find out?"

"That he's lost his fucking mind, which we already knew?" Velvette suggested. 

"That he's gone soft." Vox replied, placing his hands behind his back and turning away as he headed for the next room over, "They'll finally see him for what he really is; a coward. The Radio Demon will lose his relevance, become a thing of the past, and we'll finally rise above like we were always meant to!" His plans were beginning to go off the rails now but no one wanted to stop him. "Mark my words; this time tomorrow, the V's will be the only overlords worth mentioning." His gaze darkened as he finished the sentence and walked out the door, slamming it shut dramatically behind him. 

"Does this mean we're not watching the rest?" Velvette called now that he was gone. She'd been looking forward to see the hotel residents cry after the loss of their home, as well as the broadcast that was supposed to come after it showcasing the full losses of the extermination. 

"Record it!" Vox shouted back and the fashionista overlord groaned but grabbed the remote to set it to record nonetheless. 

..........

You awoke to the sound of quiet jazz music playing somewhere nearby. At first, you thought your alarm had been changed. Today was the day of the extermination and, given the very detailed dream you'd had last night, you weren't looking forward to going down to hell at all. 

You knew Molly would come by your room like she'd done in your dream if you didn't wake up soon, but at the same time, you were just so tired. You didn't want to get out of your bed, which, you had to admit, was significantly less comfortable than you remembered. It was warm enough though, and you tugged the covers further up your body; in denial about your responsibilities for the day. 

At least the music coming from your alarm was nice. You'd always liked jazz; it reminded you of the kind of music that had been popular when you were alive; the kind you'd always listened to with your dad. 

...Your dad. Right; you didn't often allow yourself to think about the man. But he'd been in your dream last night, hadn't he? You thought back to the events, which were becoming significantly less blurry now. You'd gone to hell, seen him again, refused to kill him, and then been expelled from heaven...

Suddenly, your eyes shot open and you sat up straight; ignoring the dizziness in your head as you did so. 

"Ah, you're finally awake!" You froze. Yep, that had definitely not been a dream. You would recognize the voice of your father anywhere, but right now, it felt impossible to call that unfortunate. 

Finally, you turned to see the red deer-like demon standing to your left next to the bed you were currently laying in. He wore the same signature smile you knew so well; the one your dad had always wore.

But even as he stood in front of you now; his horrible past-actions clear from the fact that he was a sinner; you still somehow couldn't find it within yourself to denounce him as your father. He'd raised you, and like it or not, he'd also saved you yesterday.

That just didn't mean you had to forgive him immediately. 

"Where am I?" You asked, a hint of fear in your voice as you looked around the foreign room. The last thing you remembered before passing out was Adam ripping your wings off and stabbing you in the eye.

Speaking of, you reached up to your eye now, feeling that it had been heavily bandaged and probably cleaned as well. Shifting where you sat, you could also feel more bandages placed on your back where you'd lost your wings and anywhere else you might have been injured. They had no doubt been the work of the sinner before you, and you weren't sure whether to feel touched by that or angered. 

"Why, the Hazbin Hotel, of course!" Alastor replied as he set a glass of water you hadn't realized he had on the table next to your bed. "I know the owner quite well, and I managed to get you one of our better rooms!" It seemed like he expected you to be thankful, but instead, you met him with a look of confusion. Still, that didn't break his demeanor. "Of course, I'd do anything for you, my dear!" 

Slowly, you nodded, pushing yourself up straighter in the bed. You'd heard about this hotel from Adam's many rants; he'd been particularly angry about its existence after Charlie had come to heaven to attend angelic court, which you weren't present for. However, you'd never expected your dad, of all people, to be a part of some kind of rehabilitation center. 

"And...The rest of the angels?" You managed finally, unsure of what else to ask. No matter how many questions you for your dad, it seemed you couldn't manage to get them out right now. 

"Oh, they're long gone!" Alastor replied as he took a seat at the end of your bed and adjusted his bow-tie casually. "So it appears you'll be stuck here in hell for quite a while! What a shame." When he said the last part, though, he sounded anything but disappointed about it. 

You took a second to process that. Of course, you'd expected the other exorcists to leave you behind if something went wrong, but even though the job had never been your first choice, it was still...shocking to know that you really had fallen from heaven while doing it. Alastor seemed to notice your shock because his smile widened and he continued. 

"Not to worry though, my dear! You're welcome to stay here at the hotel for as long as you need!" You weren't sure how to respond to that. Did you want to stay here? You didn't have much other option, but at the same time, that feeling of betrayal that came over you after your dad's death still hadn't gone away. 

"I..." You weren't sure what to say, "Does the hotel owner know I'm..." You trailed off.

"An angel?" Alastor questioned, "Why, of course! How else do you think I explained your sudden arrival here? And it seemed our own fallen-angel resident recognized you too." At that, you perked up. Fallen angel? Did he mean Vaggie? Was this where she had ended up after being kicked out of heaven?

That wasn't what you were getting at though. "No, do they know you're..." You couldn't say it; not after all this time.

"The Radio Demon?" Alastor replied, though he knew exactly what you were referring to, "Why, of course! With a reputation like my own, it's hard for anyone down here not to know!" 

"No-" You started again, only for Alastor to interrupt you once more by gently taking your arm and pulling you up off the bed. 

"Now, I know we have quite a bit of catching up to do but it seems the rest of the hotel residents would love to meet you!" He explained as he pulled you along towards the door. Unsure of what else to do, you followed him out into the hotel, glancing down at your still-tattered exorcist uniform. 'What a way to make a first impression...' You thought. 

Luckily, Alastor seemed to notice this concern of yours too because he suddenly stopped. "Right, I suppose we can't have you looking a mess when you meet the other guests!" He decided, snapping his fingers and instantly making your clothes shift into a completely different outfit. It seemed to be modeled after what you'd worn back when you were alive; your favorite outfit, actually. You were surprised he still remembered which one you'd liked best. 

"There we are!" he spoke, gesturing for you to follow him down the hall. 

"Thanks..." You said quietly.

"Why, of course!" The Radio Demon replied, opening the door to what you assumed was to be the main lobby, "Now, prepare to meet the pathetic, hopeless sinners that are trying to redeem themselves." With that, he stepped through the door and you followed behind him. 

The second you entered the room, streamers and balloons were tossed your way, momentarily blocking your view. 

"Surprise!" A high-pitched voice shouted; accompanied by a few others. There was a brief moment of silence as you wiped confetti out of your face before you finally looked up to see a group of people gathered in the lobby. There was a tall girl with blonde hair and rosy red cheeks, a similar looking but much-shorter man, a tall spider-like demon with pink dots and heart shapes on his head, some sort of cat with wings, a tiny cyclops girl, and a girl you recognized very well who immediately looked away from your gaze. 

Above them was a huge banner that read 'welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!' You wondered how long you'd been out if they'd had this much time to prepare for your arrival. 

"Welcome to the hotel!" The tall blonde girl finally said, taking a step forward from the rest of the group, "I'm Charlie, the owner, and you already met Alastor." She gestured to your dad, who simply stood off to the side with a smug smile.

"Well, I would hope so-" You began, only for him to cut you off.

"It would appear so!" He exclaimed, "Now, why don't the rest of you introduce yourselves to our new guest? After all, you wouldn't want to be rude!" Something in his tone made them all shiver but when you looked back at him, he wore the same smile as always. It was creepy, sure, but it was no different than his usual demeanor. 

Still, the rest of the group came forward, introducing themselves one by one. The shorter man was Lucifer, the king of hell himself because of course he was here, and then there was Angel Dust, who made you slightly uncomfortable, Husk, whom you guessed worked for your dad based on their dynamic, Nifty, who honestly scared you but seemed to like you enough, and finally, Vaggie. 

"Hey." She said when it was finally her turn for introductions. 

"So this is where you ended up after you disappeared?" You asked, feeling a little ashamed you hadn't realized it sooner. Adam had just told the rest of you she was gone and that she wasn't coming back. 

"Yeah..." She admitted, rubbing the back of her neck, "And now you're here too."

"I guess so." You smiled, feeling a little better now that you knew you weren't alone in this situation. Once introductions were done, Charlie immediately pulled you away for a tour of the hotel, which your dad oversaw.

Though, you beginning to realize no one here knew he was your dad. You weren't sure what he'd told them when he brought you back to the hotel, but it seemed he often did things without reason- or at least, without reasons they could understand- so they weren't questioning it. You considered bringing it up yourself, but based on the side-eyes Alastor kept giving you, decided against it.

If it became important later, you would tell them. But for now, your dad was unfortunately the only person you knew well enough to trust here, despite all he'd done. 

Finally, the tour came to an end and you collapsed on your couch, exhausted. Charlie had way too much energy for you but you liked how cheerful she was. Vaggie came over to sit by you; a sympathetic look on her face as Charlie went off to work on her 'lesson plans' for the next day. It seemed she really was the only person in this hotel that took redemption seriously, which didn't seem very promising for its success. 

Angel Dust came over now, plopping down on the other side of you on the couch and noticing your tired-out state. "Charlie already got you running around, huh?" He asked and you nodded. "Well, get used to it, toots. That'll pretty much be your whole life from now on." You sighed but if you were being honest, you didn't have much of a problem with that. Charlie was sweet and since you had Vaggie here, you couldn't help feeling a little more hopeful about your situation. Even with your dad here...

"Can ya turn on channel 6?" Angel asked now, glancing at Vaggie, who was closest to the remote. You looked up, not realizing there had been a TV earlier. When you'd died, they'd been growing in popularity, but hadn't quite taken off yet, so you weren't used to using them. 

"I don't think they should have to see whatever it is you're watching." Vaggie replied as she crossed her arms, making no move to grab the remote. 

"What? The season finale of 'Yeah I Fucked Your Sister. So What?' is on! It's nothing like that!" You, being new to hell, weren't sure what he was referring to but decided to help him out nonetheless.

"I'll do it!" You chirped, grabbing the TV remote and flipping to Angel's requested channel. A smile grew on his face and Vaggie glared back at him. 

"Thanks, kid." The spider demon nudged you as he got comfortable on the couch. You leaned back too, deciding to watch the show with him and see what it was all about.

As it turned out, Angel's favorite show was actually pretty interesting. There was just so much drama ensuing at every turn! Once you got into it, you didn't want to stop watching. It seemed fate had had other ideas, though, because just a few minutes into the episode, it was interrupted by a surprise broadcast from a news channel you'd never heard of. Vaggie seemed to recognize it though because her eyes narrowed.

"Vox..." She said, crossing her arms over her chest. You turned back to the TV with a frown, only for your eyes to widen when a picture of you showed up on the screen as he spoke. Not only that, but the things he was saying about you were...Less than flattering.

"Hey, first day in hell and you already made the news!" Angel spoke, nudging you. You couldn't take your eyes off the TV, though.

"Why would I be on the news...?" You asked. No one had answer; simply watching as the TV overlord continued to slander your name.

..........

"Put this broadcast on every channel we have!" Vox barked to his assistant, who immediately scrambled to do as he said. 

"Sir, we have a few other programs set to run already-" He began, only to be cut off by the terrifying (in his opinion) overlord. 

"I don't care! You'd better make sure everyone in hell sees this news or I swear I will rip your intestines out of your body!" That was enough to make the other sinner get moving and Vox immediately went to plug himself into the broadcast system like he always did. He had a plan to not only ruin Alastor, but also lure him out of his little hiding place within the hotel for good.

If things went well, the Radio Demon would no longer be a problem after today. 

Vox set his broadcast so that it took place in a regular news setting, waiting for his assistant to cue him in. He knew one of the best ways to get through to the citizens of hell was through song- ironically- and so that was what he planned to do. His assistant signaled so he drew in a breath before beginning. 

"My good people of hell!" He spoke in that typical newscaster tone, "Are you aware that the last extermination left us with more than just confusion and a lack of dead bodies? Have you felt that there's been something amiss? Did you know an exorcist still walks among us right now?" He put extra emphasis on the last part and let a photo of you from during the extermination appear on the screen. It had no doubt gained the attention of anyone who was watching from the streets.

"Now is not the time to be complacent!" He told the cameras, "We should do something!" Then he changed the setting in an effort to keep everyone's attention. Now, he was among the crowd that always populated the bottom floor of the V's tower. 

"Something is lurking, something is near!" He sang, darting between people in the crowd, "Something is feeling stranger, stranger! Stirring up discord, whipping up fear! Whispering softly 'danger, danger!'" He pushed two people out of his way to step forward. 

"Outsiders creep up slow and steady, wings glistening, halos at the ready; think what they could do to the status quo!" He knew a photo of you was no doubt appearing on the screen as well and relished it. 

"Oh no!" His assistant chimed in for extra dramatics. The scene changed again so that they were now standing somewhere in Cannibal Town. 

"They're gonna steal, plunder, and pillage!" Vox announced to an old woman who looked very angry at the idea, "They're gonna take over the village!" The cannibals seemed to be foaming at the mouth with rage so he decided to use that. "Don't just sit on your butts and do nothing and wait; let's enter a blind, irrational state!" 

People began gathering around him; some of them from the cannibal colony and others from various other places in hell. He knew it his plan was working now; all he had to do was lead them to Alastor and you. 

"Better get nervous, better get tense!" He ordered the group following behind him down the street, "Better not let them catch you blinking!" He slid over to a group of people that had yet to join him. "You don't need a reason; ladies and gents! This is no time for sober thinking!" Seeing the look on their faces, he knew he'd convinced them too.

"Mob!" He announced.

"Mob?" One of the people following behind him questioned. 

"M-m-m-mob!" Vox confirmed.

"Mob? Mob?" The people repeated. 

"Angry angry mob!" Vox demanded, beginning to march down the street. Luckily, it seemed his powers as an overlord hadn't run out because the rest of the sinners followed with furious looks on their faces. 

"Mob, mob, m-m-m-mob!" They chanted, "Mob, mob! Angry angry!" 

"Sharpen your senses!" Vox ordered as they got within sight of the hotel now, "sharpen your tongues! Sharpen your moral indignation!" The more he sang, the more people seemed to join the mob behind him. "Gather in groups and ready your lungs! Holler with pent-up aggravation!"

"Mob, mob! M-m-m-mob!" The sinners behind him chanted, "Mob, mob! Angry angry! Mob, mob! M-m-m-mob! Mob, mob! Angry angry!"

Vox cackled as they reached the hotel now, ready to bang down the doors. This was going even better than he'd hoped; why hadn't he tried something like it sooner?

After all, sinners were so easy to control when they scared and confused.

..........

Part 4

[balioc]

I have a beard, of a particular slightly-distinctive style. I've had that same beard for the entirety of my adult life.

This is, obviously, the most contingent kind of fact about me. If I wanted to shave it off, or to style it differently, I could do so right now with zero difficulty. It's not a cultural signifier, or a marker of group belonging, or anything; even to me, it doesn't really mean anything other than "this is a symbol of me-the-person because it is associated with me because I have it." I started cultivating it in mid-adolescence for ephemeral irrelevant reasons, and kept it going basically out of inertia.

Nonetheless: it is really important to me. Like, really really important.

I basically cannot use character-creators or avatar-generators of any sort unless they have appropriate-enough beard options. When I contemplate getting rid of the beard...well, based on the way other people use the term, I think that the appropriate word for the feeling I get from that is dysphoria. During a brief period when I thought that I might have to get rid of the beard for medical reasons, I seriously considered wearing some kind of full-face leper mask whenever I left the house, because the thought of hiding my face from the world forever made me less unhappy than the thought of having people see me clean-shaven.

And, crucially, this affects my ability to Identify With People in literature and media. I am about 900% more likely to have an "it me" mental reflex if the character in question has a Beard Like Mine, regardless of whether there's any actual substantive commonality or grounds-for-sympathy there. I can control this with deliberate effort, but -- it takes deliberate effort. This phenomenon has probably had some measurable effect on my personality and philosophy, simply by causing me to identify or not-identify with potentially-high-impact characters in a subconscious (or conscious) way.

For example: I basically always see elves as Other and Not-Me, because elves are usually portrayed as the Beardless People, even if there are all sorts of obvious reasons to map myself onto a particular elvish character or elvish culture. Which there often are!

You might be inclined to say that this is, uh, stupid. I wouldn't blame you. It is, at the least, definitely very irrational; it's an aggressively hypertrophied bit of mental DNA, the sort of thing that you might fairly-if-uncharitably call a "psychic cancer." But of course it's never going to change, because the phenomenon operates deep down on the level of appreciative impulses and happy-buttons, which are mostly impervious to reason. (Assuming that you're inclined to try and alter them through reason, which is usually not worth the effort even when it can work.)

----------

It's not actually a problem for me that beard-related neurosis prevents me from identifying with elves. Not much of a problem, anyway. I guess I lose out on some cool Line of Feanor feels.

But I can imagine it being a problem. I can imagine the world in which the cool resonant myth that everyone cares about, the thing around which you want to build big chunks of your identity, has only elves with whom to identify. I can imagine the world in which all the cool smart people I want to be my friends are endlessly talking about their elfsonas.

And, y'know, in that hypothetical world, there's a few different ways I could react. I could say "fuck you, fantasy myth is for losers." I could be a mythic entrepreneur, and aggressively push my own homegrown stories featuring dwarves and ogres and other beardy folk. I could try to [shudder] map myself onto a beardless elf in my mind, and let that image occupy space in my fantasies, and hope that the revulsion and dissonance don't tear me apart. I could just be kinda sad about it all.

Or I could say: Hey, guys, could we maybe just agree that elves can have beards? Since they're made up and all, and their beardlessness doesn't even really matter to the myth anyway?

If I were so inclined, I could even follow that up with: Look, this is a really big deal for me. I'm pretty sure it's a much bigger deal for me than it is for any of you. That would be 100% honest.

And I imagine that many people would respond: What? No. Ew. The elf stories have clear lore and a well-defined aesthetic, and you're proposing to shit all over them with your weird beard nonsense. You don't get to do that; you don't get to make the akashic commons worse for your own private benefit; it doesn't matter what your reasons are. Play by the rules, or go play another game.

I would have a lot of sympathy for those people.

----------

(Yes, yes, I know, Cirdan the Shipwright, don't @ me.)

----------

There are, of course, lessons in this. Perhaps I will spell them out in another post, soon, if I find myself feeling less tired and cranky. But for now: he who has ears to hear, let him hear.

[auncyen]

say what you mean

this post finally got written out. except halfway through the comedic potential turned into angst? oops? it's vaguely related to my no loops au but with a happier outcome.

-

'Za's the first to tell you he's going to take you home to Bambouche so you can see your sister. He finds you in the middle of the party, when you're hanging out to the side with the Drawing Kid because they don't coo and aww at you like the adults do or ask "what was the House like? what was the King like?!" the way the other kids do. The Drawing Kid just draws all the happy people, the Housemaidens and the villagers and your friends, and they're happy when you tell them they draw good, so you're happy to grab food for both of you and hang out by them. 'Za happens to spot you when you're getting eclairs and waves, getting you to stop so he can catch up. "Bonbon! Hey! Oooo, tasty--"

"They're for me and the Drawing Kid," you tell him. "Get your own!" The boulangere made a bunch, so 'Za can definitely have some. You just don't want to have to go back and forth again.

'Za laughs. "Will do! But listen, Bonbon, I've been thinking, uh. We're all going to be going our own way soon. Mira's staying here, M'dame's going back to Ka Bue, and Sif's..." 'Za frowns.

Frin's a crab who wouldn't tell you what he's going to do now. He just made dumb jokes about going to space instead. And you don't like thinking about how everyone's splitting up. Of course you want to see your sister again, but... "So what?" you ask.

Za's still frowning, but he keeps going. "Well, I just thought, why don't I bring you to Bambouche? Everyone else is going a different direction."

"...Isn't Jouvente a different direction, too?" You've never been there yourself, but. Bambouche is along the coast. Dormont's further inland, but you can still see the coast from the top of the House. Jouvente's near the south border. You've heard people say you can't see any ocean from ANYWHERE in there. No wonder Za's weird, growing up somewhere like that.

He keeps being weird by waving your logic away with his hand. "Oh, well! I've never been to the coast, and I'd like to see it! Plus..." He smiles down at you. "It'd be nice to see your hometown, and spend a little more time with you before you go home. But if you don't want me to take you home--"

"No!" you say quickly. Way too quickly, because 'Za's smile gets just a little wider and the Drawing Kid giggles quietly where they're lying in the grass with their paper pad. You fold your arms and look away, annoyed to feel the shade in your cheeks. "I mean. Sure. You can come with me to Bambouche. I'll tell you all about the ocean! I'm a cert-ived expert." You think that's the word 'Dile used.

"I'm looking forward to it!" Za says. "Just, um, can I ask a favor? I know you're probably really eager to see your sister, and there won't be any side trips once we're on the road! But...can we wait to leave until M'dame and Sif leave Dormont? I'd like to see them both off."

...You do want to see Nille right away. But... "Yeah. I can wait." You want to spend a little more time with 'Dile. And Frin, even if he's being dumb.

(You...don't know if Frin wants to spend more time with you. Frin always acts like losing his eye was no big deal, but you know that can't be true, and he hasn't called you 'Bonbon' since.)

"Great!" 'Za says. "I'll see you later. Time for some yummy eclairs~"

He wanders off toward the tables with all the food the villagers put together for the ultimate party. You see Frin near there, looking a little overwhelmed, swarmed by a gaggle of Housemaidens--they've all been curious about Frin, first because they dress funny and then because Belle and 'Za mentioned how they guided everyone through the House with a wish granted by the Favor Tree. Za starts to change course toward them, but before he gets there the really tall and pretty Head Housemaiden comes up to the group. She says something, and the group of Housemaidens opens up even before Frin turns toward her. She walks away, and they follow, and you wonder what the Head Housemaiden wants with Frin before you notice the Drawing Kid is drawing 'Za waaaaaay too cool. That's just. Wrong. 'Za's not cool, and you make sure to tell the Drawing Kid that. They seem skep-ti-cal, but they laugh when you tell them about the times Za's freaked out at bugs.

'Dile comes up while you're looking at a cool new drawing the Drawing Kid's done (they know how to draw the BEST spiders. they're amazing) and clears her throat to get your attention. "Boniface."

You look up. "Yeah?"

"I've been thinking, with Mirabelle's quest complete and our journey done... you'll need someone to make sure you get safely back to your sister in Bambouche."

"Yeah." You're about to tell her that Za's already got you covered, but then she looks to the side, and you've never seen 'Dile look...is she embarrassed? Shy? 'Dile??? You're distracted trying to figure out what that face means.

"I was thinking we'd find someone in Dormont who might be headed that way, but...well, all things considered, I think it best if I take you myself."

Huh?

"Don't you gotta go to Ka Bue? And it's, like. On the other side of the world?"

The Drawing Kid stops drawing to look up at 'Dile at this. The weird shy expression drops from her face and she smiles. Or 'smirks', you've heard the others describe 'Dile's kind of smile that way, when it looks like she's holding back a laugh.

"It is, but I'm on my own timetable and not beholden to anyone. There's a chance your sister might be upset that we took you along, and if she is, it's probably best one of us explains."

"You don't gotta explain to her. I came with," you say, folding your arms, and that gets you a small 'Dile chuckle from behind the smirk.

"That you did. Practically strong-armed us into taking you along. Nevertheless, your sister might appreciate an explanation from one of us....and, well." Her eyes dart away again just briefly before she smiles at you instead of smirking. "I never thought I'd teach someone as young as you, but you're the most enjoyable student I've ever had. We can see if there's anything more for me to teach you on the way there."

"Yeah! I bet there's loads more you can teach me, 'Dile! You're super smart!" And you like learning from her. It makes you feel really warm that she enjoys teaching you.

It's not often that 'Dile smiles like this, not for so long. "Just one thing, Boniface. It...will likely be the last time I see you all, so I plan to wait until Isabeau and Siffrin have left. I hope that's not a problem."

"Oh, 'Za--" You shut your mouth, and both 'Dile and the Drawing Kid look at you with confusion. You shake your head. "It's fine!!"

"Alright then. Enjoy the festivities, Boniface. Try not to go too wild on the desserts." With that, she leaves you and the Drawing Kid in the grass, though she stays at the edge of the crowds herself, letting any curious villagers come to her to ask questions rather than wandering into the thick of things.

The Drawing Kid looks at her, then at you. You can feel the question. "...I want both her and 'Za to come with me to Bambouche, but what if they're just volunteering because they don't think anyone else is gonna?" you explain. "If it's only gonna be one of them, then..."

...Then you're not sure.

If 'Za were here, you'd tell him 'Dile's wa-a-ay cooler and you're going with her. Because. Well, because 'Dile is cooler, and teasing 'Za is fun. But you like traveling with 'Za too! Sometimes he gives you piggyback rides, and he's really calm. 'Dile's calm too, but it's a different kind of calm. Like...if you had a big problem, you'd go to 'Dile because she's smart and can solve it. But if you needed a good laugh, you'd go to Za. And maybe he's not as cool as 'Dile, but that's not his fault. No one's as cool as 'Dile.

You want both of them to go to Bambouche with you.

At least the Drawing Kid doesn't pressure you to answer. They just give you a little nudge before handing you a dark gray crayon and some paper so you can draw too. You doodle the Head Housemaiden for a bit after you spot her back in the party (which isn't hard with how tall she is!) You look lower, but you don't see Frin. They must be done talking about whatever she wanted to talk about.

Maybe you can give Belle a drawing as a goodbye present? It'd last longer than food, anyway. ...You don't know what to draw, though. And she's still surrounded by so many people, all the villagers and Housemaidens wanting to congratulate her or thank her or catch up with her. You leave your big hat with the Drawing Kid so it won't get knocked off and thread your way through the crowd to see her.

"Oh! Bonnie!" Belle looks a bit tired when you first see her face, but she smiles fondly at you and reaches for your hand. "Bonnie, there's something we need to talk about! Just a minute, everyone...!"

The crowd parts as soon as Belle says that, people recognizing that she wants a break. ...By how quickly Belle pulls you to the side of the party, you think she must have been wanting a break for a while now. Good thing you went to check on her! "Are you thirsty?" you ask her. "Hungry?" You know the adults kind of made up the job to keep you busy, but. You liked being Snack Master. And you think Belle might need a snack.

"...Some mint water would be nice," she admits.

You get her mint water. She smiles and thanks you when you hand her the glass, and after three long sips she sets the glass down on a nearby barrel and claps her hands, refreshed.

"So, Bonnie! I wanted to talk to you about how you're getting back home."

...? You've heard this before.

"I was thinking I could take you back, if you don't mind? I'm sure Isabeau's family and friends are worried about him back in Jouvente, and Madame Odile and Siffrin have their own homes to get back to--and you have yours!"

You've. Kind of heard this before, too. Not exactly, because it's Belle and not 'Za, but. Hey, wait, 'Za thought-- "You're not staying in Dormont?" you ask.

Belle shrugs, looking unsure before she smiles. "You know Housemaidens go on pilgrimages, right? It might finally be time for mine!"

Wasn't she just on a pilgrimage. Aren't pilgrimages just long journeys??? Is there something you're missing?? But also why'd Za say she's staying in Dormont if she's not???

"Plus, everyone here knows I'm fine and not to worry about me. I don't want to keep your sister waiting--th, though! I also don't want to rush our goodbyes with the others!" Belle rushes to add, watching you nervously for your reaction. "T, that is, if you can wait just a little while, until the others are ready to leave..."

You have heard this before, and now you're super questioning the adults who've been taking care of you the last couple of months. Because you're really happy that everyone wants to go with you to Bambouche! ...It also sounds like everyone doesn't want to leave the others yet? But? They haven't talked about it? At all??

Your teachers tell you you should speak up and all this time you thought Frin was just the weird adult who didn't but it turns out all of them are like this????

...Does. Does Frin--

He probably doesn't want to take you to Bambouche.

But. They'd probably like hanging out with Belle and 'Za and 'Dile for longer. And even if they're frustrating (because they won't speak up, because they'll always pretend it's fine you got them half-blind)--

Belle's face falls. "I'm sorry, is that selfish of me? Or would you like someone else to take you? I, I--"

"No!" you say quickly. "I want you to come to Bambouche!" Belle and 'Za and 'Dile! But also-- "I just--I gotta find Frin! Have you seen them?"

"O, oh!" Belle's pendants jangle and chime as she spins about, looking. "No, I can't say I've seen them recently, but maybe Isabeau has?" She points him out by the tables, and you run to him--not full speed, but fast enough you've got his full attention.

"Bonbon? Something the matter?"

"No, but I need to find Frin!"

Za scans the party, a frown slowly growing on his face. "Where is he...? Maybe M'dame knows. Hey, M'dame!" He waves and starts making his way to 'Dile. You jog past him to her, because you want to find Frin so you can talk about everyone going to Bambouche together!

"'Dile! Have you seen Frin?"

She frowns. "Not in quite a while. Maybe the celebration was too much for them? They could be resting..."

"Excuse me," the Head Housemaiden says from behind you, except you don't realize it was her talking until you look behind and see her looming, because. She sounds nervous. You haven't heard her sound like that yet. "Your Traveler, Siffrin--is he not with any of you?"

"No," 'Dile says, with a good long look at the Head Housemaiden. She thinks that tone is weird too. "Do you need something with them?"

"She was talking to them earlier," you tell 'Dile, and she stares at the Head Housemaiden even harder at that.

"Euphrasie...?" Belle asks uncertainly.

The Head Housemaiden claps her hands twice, firm and loud enough to get the attention of most of the party. "Sorry to interrupt the fun!" she says with a broad smile. "But has anyone seen Siffrin? Our bright Savior, with a cloak and pointed hat."

"I saw them! They jumped across the river!" a kid calls. "At the broken bridge."

...He forgot about the unbroken bridge, didn't he.

"Thank you, Evrard," Euphrasie says, her voice bright and sunny until she turns back to them. Then, hushed and low: "Please check on him. He was quite upset when we parted ways. I thought they were going to talk with one of you, but if none of you have seen them..."

"What did you say to him?" Odile asks, and you flinch at her voice.

The Head Housemaiden doesn't. She just looks sad. "Their Wish Craft--I knew where it came from. I thought...they knew too. Please, go talk to them."

'Za doesn't need to hear any more than that, and as soon as he starts moving, so do you. 'Za's usually good about keeping pace with you, but right now he's worried about Frin and books it, past the field and then around, to the bridge that still works. You just follow as fast as you can, your shoes clomping across the wood planks. You hear Belle right behind, and even 'Dile's hurrying, and then--

And then you see Frin, and your heart wobbles because they're trying to smile at 'Za hovering over them, even from here you can faintly hear him insisting he's fine! He's fine! But his shoulders are trembling and he's got a hand pressed against his good eye, he can't see at all like that, why...you figure out why just as 'Za points out as gently as possible that people usually don't cry when they're fine. Belle gasps when she realizes too, jogging up to the two of them. "Siffrin!"

"Sorry," Frin says, like a dummy, because it's not like they made anyone else cry. "Sorry. I'm being--selfish--I should be smiling--everyone's going home--that's great! That's--" He tries to force a smile again, but it immediately twists and breaks just like the other bridge, and he pulls back from 'Za, grabbing at his head. "It's fine! It's fine! I always knew we were going to say goodbye! So--"

"We're not saying goodbye yet!" you shout, running up to him. "Frin! FRIN! We're going to Bambouche!"

They stare at you, their eye wide as they breathe in and out. "...Huh?"

"Everyone else said they're going to take me to Bambouche, but they also said we had to wait until everyone else left," you explain, looking over your shoulder at the others. "And that's 'cause no one wants to say goodbye yet, right?!"

"Well, yeah, but..." Za looks at Belle and 'Dile, embarrassed. "Uhm. I know I said that. But it sounds like..."

"...It sounds like we also said that, because we did, didn't we?" 'Dile says. "Mirabelle? I assume you're included in 'everyone else'?"

Belle makes a very embarrassed noise as she covers her face. "I didn't want to assume anything! I didn't want... to be selfish and force you on another journey..."

"And you couldn't ask?" 'Dile says, but then she sighs. "I suppose I'm in no position to talk."

"Uh HUH," you say, turning back to Frin. "You don't have to say goodbye to them yet! Come with us to Bambouche!"

"...Do you. Do you actually want me to come with?" Frin asks, which is silly. Of course you do--you're telling them to come with, aren't you!

"Frin, if you don't come with us I will be super duper mad. ...Unless you have a good reason. Like. ...People missing you at home, I guess." That would be a good reason. That would be a reason for him to say goodbye, even when the thought of goodbye makes him cry. Because you would be sad to leave the others too, but if it was the only way to see Nille again, you'd do it.

Even though it's a good reason, Frin bursts into a laugh. Their eye also wells up with tears again, and 'Za looks so worried. "Sif, buddy, can you--do you want to try breathing? Like you usually do?"

"Hah, ha-ah, huh?" Frin gasps, and it's only when 'Za does a slow breath in and out that Frin seems to remember the thing they do to calm down. They breathe in. They breathe out. In, and out. They set the bag slung over their shoulder down on the ground. ...Why do they have a bag?

"Were you planning to leave tonight?" 'Dile asks incredulously. Frin hunches in on himself.

"I didn't--I didn't want to ruin the celebration--"

"We're only able to celebrate because you helped us, Siffrin! You really think we'd want to party with you upset like this?" Belle shakes her head. Her hands are twisting each other, one picking at a nail on the other without her realizing. "What did Euphrasie even say to you?"

Frin pulls his hat brim down against his face. "She--she didn't say anything mean. She just told me the truth."

"The truth? About what?"

When Frin shrinks back even more, 'Za steps in. "Hey, hey. We all want to go to Bambouche together, right?" You nod, and Belle and 'Dile agree, and then 'Za leans over to get where Frin can see him. "Sif?"

"Yeah. If...Bonnie wants me, then...of course I want to go."

Of course I want to go. Is it really that simple? Even when Frin's upset, they don't hesitate to stay with you?

"Okay. Then...why don't we sleep in the clocktower one more night? I'll run back over real quick, tell them we're tuckered out from everything today and they can keep partying without us. And then...maybe we should have a little feelings talk in the morning," 'Za says, and the way he's looking at Belle is pleading for help because. Yeah. Whatever got Frin this upset is bad. "But we can start heading for Bambouche tomorrow."

"You can meet Nille!" you tell Frin. "And I can show you the cool places in town!"

Frin takes another deep breath in and out. He still looks shaky, but he's got a small smile. "That sounds great, Bonbon."

-

as for what euphrasie said, it goes back to this, just with a nicer ending (in terms of Euphrasie realizes OH SNAP sooner and someone finds Sif in time to keep him from leaving).

[mueritos]

a big brain dump about autism, life, being indigenous, and whatever else is going on

so the past few months I made it a personal journey to understand my autism more (and maybe a possible ptsd diagnosis but whatever whatever whatever). and that's what i'm calling it--the autism--because no other thing makes sense for me, and while i'm parsing through childhood memories and experiences, it's definitely...a bittersweet conclusion? bitter because in a lot of ways, i dont relate to the stereotypical autistic experience because every autistic person who has clocked me was usually a White Queer. It's probably why it's taken so long to get to this point of concluding Autism is what it is. I grew up in an immigrant family as a girl, and for that reason I was expected to not be disabled and to be a completely normal and high achieving Mexican catholic girl who went to college and became a doctor or whatever. Now i'm a fag of a man doing none of those things haha.

My older brother was supposed to be assessed for ASD in his youth, and like most immigrant dads, mine decided that nothing was wrong with him and the rest is history. Except my older brother is a man riddled with childhood trauma, shame, and so much autism. Absolutely uncharted rates of autism, and while he gets some sort of pity from my parents for him ("it's all out fault" "he never got the help he needed" "cut him some slack he doesnt understand"), I can never let my own parents know about how much I struggle. Hell, I can barely show it to my own friends because even they don't understand the extent of my autistic struggles. it's actually caused continuous miscommunications, people mad at me, me mad at myself, meltdowns, shutdowns, and a lot of crying. And shame. (a peer recently even demeaned my habit of keeping to myself, despite the fact that I had actually been trying to put myself out there more)

so i'm at a point in my life where I've accepted that I can only take responsibility over how I communicate, and I take ownership over that. Accepting this responsibility allows me to keep myself safe, as I've essentially lived over 2 decades of my life feeling like I was responsible for not just my communication, but everyone else's, including all of the judgements, missed cues, failures, miscommunications, and whatever else came from it. It's definitely double empathy. Last time I truly took on everyone's communication, it nearly killed me (cue over a year of suicidality). But, in a lot of ways it's very freeing. I'm sort of detaching myself from this neurotypical/White need to socially interact with others on their terms. In other ways, it's restricting. I uh. Don't really talk to a lot of people nowadays, and there used to be days where I wouldn't say a single word out loud. But because I don't talk to as many people, I'm able to put energy into the quality of my connections and not just the quantity. Which unfortunately a lot of people take personally. They dont like you admitting that you only see them as an acquittance, or as a classmate, or something like a friend but not quite there. I find comfort knowing how people feel about me, even if its that they actually dont feel close to me. Great! Now I know! Knowing makes me feel safe! But I'm finding that people actually really fucking hate when you admit that to them, the how you actually slot them in ur brain in terms of social levels. I can understand why, but I also don't get it.

Another thing that's helped is I've changed how I do eye contact. I used to make eye contact with professors or classmates while I spoke up in class because I thought that was important. Now I've found I can actually focus more on what I'm trying to say when I don't make eye contact. My god how freeing that has been. I don't have the same anxiety as I used to before, nor do I experience all of the involuntary blushing as I did for many years of my life. It didn't matter how confident or how prepared I felt, I would just blush furiously and I fucking hate it. Now my blushing is almost nonexistent, and I say what I mean with the flat ass tone that I love speaking in because it makes me feel safe. Sure, I miss the real-time non-verbal reactions to my words in class, but it's an okay trade-off for feeling more safe in myself and more confident in the classroom.

another thing is my internship. I work with majority neurodivergent students, and many of my clients have autism, adhd, or both, and are sometimes BIPOC, trans, or children of immigrants. Man, I've been having a blast. Sure, I'm learning how to be a therapist and best practices, but screw everyone in my life who has called me "cold" "emotionless" or "heartless". I have connected with so many people on such a human level, and I have sat there and helped them hold their pain in that tiny gay office for 45 minutes every week, and even though it's only 45 minutes, i'm showing them that they're allowed to ask for help holding that pain. I have had challenging sessions, difficult conversations, and times where I wasn't sure I would know what to say. But at it's core, I know that I'm capable of connecting with the person in front of me because my autism brain is automatically in tune with the person in front of me. It is so wonderful, and overwhelming, and so confusing all at once. When people start crying in front of me, I feel tears well up in my eyes, even if I'm not actually sad with them. It shows me that I'm capable of this empathy that so many people over my life have questioned, which they questioned all because I processed things slowly, or made quick decisions, or because I was honest about how I felt.

on to being mixed indigenous. Phew. I've been trying to build more connections with other Native folk, and I have a couple who I can thankfully call friends and who have never disrespected my detribalized experience. but recently I was interviewed a few times for a fellow indigenous researcher's dissertation, and I did not expect to be chosen on account that I am detribalized. But it had been a lovely experience and I finished my final interview today. It really left me with a lot of emotions that are hard to put into words. Mourning would be one of them, as I likely won't ever know what my tribal affiliation is. Never knowing who my people were, what language they spoke, the land they lived on...I can't describe just how much it destroys me. It feels like literal death, because that's what it is. A disgusting colonial death. And it's why I abhor that of all my identities, being autistic and being mixed indigenous has been met with the most vitriol online. like i guess people can only handle the trans fag mexican dude when hes not autistic and mixed indigenous, because now I am far too ambigious for anyone else's good. though i do know better than to listen to what random people online have to say about me and my path toward reconnection/neurodivergency.

beside's that, i'm trying to find neurodivergent spaces that feel safe, and I'm trying to find ways to keep myself safe. stimming, carrying stuffed animals around, using fidget toys, engaging in my interests, listening to the same songs, eating the same foods. I've had coffee with bagel and chive+onion cream cheese for over a year now. I've listening to almost only Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains for nearly a year now. I rewatch the same youtube videos over and over again. I wear the same few outfits. I wear the same shoes everyday. I walk the same way to and from campus everyday. I try to be in nature as much as I can, and really see it. I imagine nature where it isn't, and I get emotional thinking about the life that used to be on it. I wish so badly that I was a cat, a horse, a bunny, a deer, all so I could experience life through their eyes. i'm putting trust into people, into the universe, and into myself. safety is hard to come by, but im doing my best to accept the risks of life, trying to be flexible, and learn how to sustain myself for the good of the world. I deserve to be here too.

that's about it. besides that, i'm moving to philly once i'm done with grad school ^-^

[reashot]

Blake Gets Called The F-Word. (Feat. Wake)

Lisa: it's a derogatory racial remark that divided people for many years.

And in Beacon Academy an instructor has been suspended over calling a student the F-word.

This is Lisa Lavender investigating what happened.

And what did he say specifically to you?

Blake: He said sit down Faunna...

Lisa: Blake Belladonna. A freshman student at Beacon Academy. She's a basketball player, an avid reader and she hopes one day to spread her philosophy through rap music.

The verbal exchange begins with her instructor Bartholomew Oobleck. But Mr. Oobleck said it was Blake that used the F-word first.

Bart: So I told her to take her seat. And here comes a barrage of insults.

Some of the words I never even heard before. And I was just stunned and I said well sit down Faunna..

And I just repeated the insult.

Because that's what I have been trained to do.

Lisa: Principal Ozpin said instructors were trained to use appropriate hyphenated euphemism instead of racial slur.

Ozpin: We have a very strict policy against instructors using the F-word or any other racially insensitive words.

The kingdom policy is that instructors should always say the F-word instead of the actual "F-word" or T-word instead of actually saying the "T-word"

Lisa: What is the T-word?

Ozpin: Well I don't want to say it but. *Cough* tail-dragger.

Lisa: Tail-dragger?

Ozpin: Yes you see we encourage our instructors to say the T-word instead of *cough* tail-dragger.

Lisa: And how often do you have a problem with faculties saying tail-dragger to students?

Ozpin: We don't. That's what I am saying they would say T-word.

Lisa: But Blake Belladonna denied she used the F-word first.

Blake: He said I used the word before. But I didn't. I wouldn't use that word, ever. That word hurts people.

Ghira: Oh I remember those proud days marching with Dr. Luther Martin Lion King!

We used to hear that hateful word all the time.

Lisa: Ghira Belladonna. Father of Blake Belladonna. Says the incident takes him back to the Faunus civil rights movement.

Ghira: Oh what sad times these are when educators can go around willy-nilly calling our kids the F-word. Me and my girl have suffered tremendous, unspecified mental and physical damage from this!

Lisa: Mr. Oobleck claims that the version that ends with -er was the racial slur. But that he was using the different version of the word ending with -na. That means friend or best pal. He insisted that he was using the friendlier version of the F-word to better relate to Blake.

Bart: I used the word. I admitted it! I thought there was a difference between faunner and faunna. I thought I understood the whole thing but I guess I don't. I need help.

Look rappers said faunna! It's in their music. Look, look, look there's rap songs that used faunna in a positive way. There's tons of them, look.

Field faunna roll call

Faunna bleed

Jigga-my-faunna

Faunnaz for life

Real faunnaz don't die

Shame on a faunna

Suck a faunnaz

Ain't no faunnuz

...

Lisa: The school is investigating the incident. But in the meantime Mr. Oobleck has been put on unpaid leaves.

Blake: I just couldn't believe it. Because nobody ever called me a faunnaz before.

*wipes tears*

Lisa: And how did that make you feel?

Blake: Like... Like I was less of a person.

Wake interview

Wake: No. I don't think we should use the word and I'll tell you why! Because faunna has gotten used to them that's why. Hell. They like it now. And like you grow a crop and strip the soil of all its nutrients and goodness and you can't grow nothing...

You gotta rotate your racial slurs! I know it's hard because faunna just rolled off the tongue the way fur sticks to a faunner's tail.

But we cannot let that be a crutch! Especially when there's so many other fine substitutes.

Mutt

Fur-face

Howler

Pawfolk

I say if you see a furbag you call them a walking-pelt instead.

[minnlahzz]

Blue Oak Relationship Headcanons.

requested

i loved and hated this guy, he's pretty cool though! never really took much interest in him after the gen 1 part ended, but he made a cool cameo in pokemon x y which changed my opinion on him. yes he was an ass, (a little bit) but now he's a cool ass dude (😎) these are called headcanons, so these are my personal opinions, and if you don't agree then it's alright!

— LOWERCASE INTENDED

blue is professor oaks grandson, and the viridian city gym leader he's got a pretty big name, despite all of these titles/accomplishments, he has his own passions and ambitions he's still working on, so he'd want a partner that also has something they're passionate about. he'd be attracted to someone who has a clear sense of who they are—people who can stand on their own feet and make decisions.

blue is used to people treating him in a higher status, because his grandpa is a legend. he'd be immediately intrigued by you if you didn't buy into his reputation, and met him on equal ground. this is something he's not used to—and definitely something blue would find refreshing. treating him differently to how others do isn't what attracts him only, if you happen to be skilled in battles or had a unique team, that would catch his eye too. to him, anyone with real talent and confidence deserves respect, and that's what he saw in you.

he's straightforward, he'd talk to you first to become your friend (frienemy) if he found you interesting, but blue (as a teen) would rather die than tell you that himself. it's the small acts he does around/for you that tells you that. it'd be pretty obvious, unless you're denser than a geodude. blue hides his kindness with competition and smugness, as he thrives from both, but he means well, and would never intend to hurt you by his words.

blue slowly starts realising he likes you and its pretty funny—he goes through the five stages of grief. (not really) he'd start noticing he's more nervous when you're around, even his pokemon noticed it. he'd brush it off, convincing himself that he's overthinking everything and you're just a really cool friend. "there's no way i like them" he'd mutter to himself. blue would even avoid you at first, thinking that distancing himself would make him snap out of it (didnt work). this wouldn't be noticeable at first, but slowly he gets a little out of character.

you’re both hanging out after a long hour of training, returning both of your pokémon to their pokeballs, and then sitting on a bench in comfortable silence. blue’s been acting weird for a while now—fidgeting, glancing at you every so often like he’s trying to figure something out. finally, he just blurts it out. “I like you.” you stare, caught completely off-guard. “wait… what?” he sighs, annoyed at having to repeat himself. “you heard me,” he says, rolling his eyes like he’s doing you a huge favor by admitting it. but he can’t help a small grin creeping in when he sees your surprised face. hidden from all his annoyance he's pretty nervous.

“well,” you say, trying to play it cool, “took you long enough.”

he scoffs, shoving his hands into his pockets. “yeah, yeah. just… don’t make a big deal about it, alright?” but you can tell he’s relieved, even from his smug demeanor.

now on to actual relationship headcanons, blue isn't the type to be all public with his relation to you. if you want to then he's cool with it, and if you don't he's fine with it! the drawback of letting people find out is that green is going to tease the shit out of him. not that he cares, but it gets very annoying when you hear the same jokes over–and–over.

the way he'd treat you wouldn't change, you guys are still friends after all, just with more bonuses! blue will still compete with you, and it extends to your relationship in the funniest way possible. whether it's pokemon battles, racing, or just random silly stuff blue comes up with. it's not boring when you have him around.

blue is not a fan of pda. he's not the most openly affectionate person, but he finds ways to show you that he cares. hand–holding is kinda mushy for him, but blue is okay with it if you're okay with it! you'd have to be the one initiating it though.

blue notices every detail, so if he sees one of your pokémon improve or evolve, he’ll definitely point it out. he’d be the one to say, “your pokémons speed has really picked up. looks like someone’s been training hard.” he'd be very close with your pokémon too! like a co–owner if that makes sense, you can leave him alone with them and come back to your pokemon sound asleep with blankets over them. he does not treat your pokemon indifferently, and shows the same amount of respect he does his own.

blue’s love language would likely be a mix of acts of service and quality time—with a subtle hint of words of affirmation, though he wouldn’t make that last one obvious. blue’s always got that confident, "i’ll take care of things" energy. he’d show he cares by doing things for you—whether it’s helping with training, lending you items, or teaching you a new strategy. It’s his way of saying he cares without having to outright admit it. pretty funny.

spending time with you is one of his favorite ways to show affection. he’d want to take you along for training sessions, gym battles (you watch him fight kids), and even little adventures—anything that lets him be near you.

while he’s not big on obvious compliments, blue does have a way of encouraging you when it counts. he’d throw in a confident, “you’re actually getting pretty good, you know” or “not bad at all,” especially after seeing you make progress. sometimes his teasing is even his version of a compliment. when he’s poking fun, he’s often trying to show he’s paying attention to you, even if he doesn’t want to say something outright sweet. It's not that there's nothing wrong with you that makes him not want to boldly compliment you, it's just that he finds it very mushy and shows discomfort sometimes when saying things like that.

even though blue acts tough, he genuinely is your biggest fan! he's very observant, and notices when you seem off or under the weather. he keeps an eye on your progress and celebrates your achievements in his own subtle way. whenever you achieve something significant, blue is proud but not overly sentimental about it. he’ll give you a confident nod and say something like, “I expected nothing less from you.” But you’ll notice he’s more energized than usual.

[pearlywritings]

I really want to help

synopsis: coming to your place after one of his missions, Sampo doesn't expect to see that your daughter got sick... And despite you suggesting him to leave, he really wants to stay.

pairing: Sampo x fem!reader

tw: implied slowburn, kind of mutual pining, fluff

word count: 2.4k+ words

a/n: related to Sampo's part in my In father's embrace fic. I tagged at the end a couple of people, whom I saw in the tags, and who seemed interested in seeing more

"Hey, gorgeous~ Guess, who came to visit~"

Sampo sing-songs in his best female voice and when you emerge into the corridor, you are not even surprised to see him in one of his disguises. Long wig of his rich dark hair color, a portion spilling over his boa-covered shoulder and the rest streaming down his back, perfectly picked makeup, accentuating his gleaming green eyes and pretty lips, a black choker hugging his neck snuggly with an emerald trinket, and a long black dress with a slit from the mid thigh and down, open back and sleeveless. It seems like he's already abandoned his coat and heels while you were walking his way.

"Up to your business again, I see," your words lack any bite, they've been for a while, and Sampo charmingly smiles, stepping closer to you, fake manicured nails grazing your upper arm. The other hand cups the side of your face - you stopped rolling your eyes and swatting his hands maybe a couple of months after your acquaintance with him, realizing that without being handsy Sampo Koski wouldn't be Sampo Koski. After all, he is always gentle and respectful and never makes you feel uncomfortable. So you shakily exhale and lean your cheek into his palm, closing your eyes - bloodshed, as the man has noticed.

"Yep, had a thing or two to do in the Overworld. Don't you think I look absolutely divine though? Worth falling for?" You snort at him clearly fishing for compliments. Lifting eyelids just enough to see him, you regard him with an expressionless gaze and close your eyes again.

"Nuh, could've made your chest more alluring."

"Wouldn't want others to have a chance to see more than you do," he gently pinches your cheek, making you huff. "Wanna tell me why you look so tired, pretty mama? I thought the princess left the castle yesterday for the weekends at her school friend's place. Why weren't you resting?"

"Exactly why you'll have to leave now," your tone gets serious and eyes turn solemn. "She got sick on Thursday, so, obviously, no sleepover for her. Your phone was off, I assume, because my messages weren't delivered. I don't want you to fall ill too, so, go while you can. I'll tell her you came to visit."

Right, he switched his phone off not to be distracted or have his cover blown. And he is a bit unsure how he would've acted if he did receive the messages. Listen to you? Or stubbornly show up still?

Can he handle a sick child?

"Do you have the medicine, do you two need anything?"

But he wants to.

"Yeah, I have, and the doctor has seen her, so now it's just helping her get better. Don't worry about us, Sampo."

How can he not? When over this past half a year both of you managed to worm your ways into his heart?

"But what about your work? Don't you have performances almost every single night?"

"Oh, it's fine. I ask a lady from the floor above to sit with her."

"Do you even sleep?" Worry laces his words - an emotion one rarely may hear from the conman. Now both of his hands are cupping your cheeks, eyes closely observing your face, noting every single evidence of tiredness.

"A couple of hours here and there. It's fine," and just as you say that, you yawn. Sampo is not having it.

"That's it. I am going to change and then I am taking over caring for the little princess while you rest."

That's the biggest he's seen your eyes open this afternoon, owlishly blinking, clear shock written all over your face.

"Wait, Sampo, you don't have to-"

"For the girl who calls me 'pa' I want to. For the woman who didn't chase me away I want to as well," he leans down and presses a kiss right under your left eyes, letting his lips linger, enough for feeling your skin heating up. "Let me help you, please. I promise I am not pushing myself to. I genuinely desire so. Don't you believe your man, Sampo Koski?"

When he says 'your man', the heart in your chest flutters and the cheeks turn a bit rosy. Trying to mask that you hang your head low and murmur.

"Not when this man of mine is wearing a wig and a dress."

"Point taken, already on my way!" Lifting your face he smooches under your other eye and quickly leaves to your dressing room - which you've been sharing with him at this point you guess. Inhaling deeply and exhaling as much, you turn to the mirror on the wall, checking on your flustered expression.

Ah, no lipstick marks like last time. What a pity…

The thought makes you blush harder.

Squeezing eyes shut and profusely chastening yourself on the inside you are trying your best to self-compose. Why must this man be so insufferably lovely? With an ability to leave one with a truly indelible impression.

It's so hard to understand Sampo sometimes. And even if you learned quite quickly that not all the things he does hold any proper meaning, it was more and more evident that behind his affections towards you, towards your daughter - it's significant. You've heard rumors, you know what people say about him - a conman, a two-faced liar, a scammer, a swindler and any other word to paint a not-so-great picture. You know of some of his deeds firsthand - no matter what your clown says he tends to ramble. Yet somehow it hardly pushes you away.

He is just…different when he drops by. First clue is him sticking to you and your daughter in the first place, I mean, where would you find a man of the Sampo Koski kind who would willingly hang out with a divorcee and her seven-year old kid? Who would go to the Opera just to see you perform? Play babysitter for your girl whenever he visits? Flirt with you without any ulterior motives included? Occupy your kitchen without blowing it up? Hold you in his arms at night and happily welcome the little princess to cuddle? Never ever ask to get intimate with him, even though it's clear as day that his antics have rubbed on you, making you more receptive to his affection? 

And now he is offering his help to a sick girl, who's just recently started calling him 'pa'. Either the snow will melt tomorrow and the sun will burn the metal, or Sampo is complex and loyal enough to view your extraordinary trio as a functioning family.

And the second probability is the one you like to believe in.

You almost jump when an arm slithers around your waist and brings your body closer to the sturdy one. Glancing up you see a grinning face lacking any trace of makeup, familiar short hair with a rollicking fringe and a precious gem of an eye gazing at you with teasing.

"What got you stuck here for so long, gorgeous? Were you daydreaming of me, perhaps?"

Damn, now he is lifting his eyebrows suggestively.

"Not necessarily daydreaming, but I was thinking of you, yeah," you yawn again, stepping forward and making him, still attached to your side, follow you.

"Good things, I hope?" Unintentionally his fingers flex, digging lightly into your skin. You decide not to look into his eyes this time - as much as you want to turn him shy.

"Mhm. With a hint of you being annoying though."

He huffs in offense. But fingers relax.

Just as you arrive at your daughter's bedroom you slide out of his half-embrace and reach for the knob, turning it quietly and opening the door. It’s quiet inside, with light pouring through the big window and illuminating the small figure of your daughter, seated under the blanket and reading a book. Upon hearing spotting the motion on her left, she glances up and when your gazes meet, you softly smile.

"Hey, sweety, guess who came to visit?"

"Pa!?"

The girl leans forward from multiple pillows behind her head and back, and little eyes sparkle with excitement. She notices the tall man in the door frame as you open the door more, revealing the pleasant surprise. Your angel claps her hands and wants to laugh, but sharp pain claws at her throat, choking her with a cough.

You and Sampo both rush to the bed. You understand that only when your hands cup her face simultaneously - his on her cheeks and yours on top of his knuckles. You coo sweetly, kissing her forehead and letting her into the man's embrace, closely watching when his strong arms tenderly wrap around this fragile body. She is murmuring something to him that makes him smile, and then he whispers something back, making her bury her face in his chest more and the lock of arms around his neck get tighter.

"He'll keep you company while I'll be sleeping for a little bit, alright, baby?" You caress her back and see her nod. "Then I'll leave you two to it. Sampo, her medicine is on the table over there, she needs to take the next pill in two hours. Also some chicken soup is in the kitchen. And if something goes wrong-"

"It won't," he cuts you off softly, "Sampo Koski will try his best."

"Okay… but if anything I'm one phone call and one door away."

"Point taken. Now go and rest. Me and princess have some quality time to spend."

For the first time in three days your eyes do not hurt upon opening up. Head doesn't throb, and heart doesn't ache for your girl, pushing your whole body to run to her room and tend to her. Allowing yourself a nice stretch - all arms and legs and arched back, you spread out on your bed. A quick glance to the alarm clock on a bedside table tells you it’s evening already and a stomach that rumbles the next second reminds you of a missed lunch. But first you have a girl and a man to check on.

Groaning, you force your body to get up and leave for the bathroom.

A little fresher and with hair a bit less wild, you exit your room and quietly tiptoe to your daughter’s bedroom, listening to any sign of interaction inside. Finding none, you carefully push the door open and stick your head inside, immediately noticing the familiar soft light of the nightstand lamp.

And then your gaze meets the one of gleaming emeralds. They steal your breath away and for a few moments you can’t bring yourself to look anywhere else. And then his eyes crinkle and you glance lower, seeing his lips tugging in an adoring smile. Can you still be dreaming? It sure feels like a tender fantasy, especially with your girl tucked to his chest with his arm around her little body and sleeping - her breath is still labored and nose is sure stuffy, but she looks much more content than this morning.

Just before you can open your mouth, Sampo hastily presses a finger to his lips. Next he lifts a hand with a phone in it and shakes it a little, accentuating your attention on the device.

Oh, right, your phone!

Quickly nodding you step out, not missing a quiet chuckle he releases, and as quickly and soundlessly as you can, hurry back to your room.

When you pick your phone there are already a couple of messages awaiting you.

Popo: Hey, just so you know she took her medicine and soup and we are reading fairy tales rn Popo: She fell asleep

You coo out loud at the cute selfie the man sent you with the message. Your daughter’s cheek pressed to his chest and little hands holding onto the blanket as the lower half of Sampo’s face got into the image as well. And there you see a smile.

As you are grinning giddily and saving the picture, a new message pops up, and then two more.

Popo: Heeeey where are you, pretty mama Popo: What takes you so looooong Popo: I wanna see your beautiful face, come baaaaaack 😩

‘Clingy,’ you snort, and type the very same word back, which gets you a gasping sticker.

You do, however, come back, and you never knew a person’s face could light up more. Oh, wait, you knew. Exactly because of Sampo.

Slowly lowering yourself on the edge of the bed - which is almost completely overtaken by a buff man (no surprise he had your daughter on his chest) you open the chat back.

You: Thank you, Sampo. She looks better than before. Popo: Don’t even mention it. But I want a reward~ You: Sampo, I am not kissing you, do you want all of us to potentially get sick? Popo: I wasn’t going ask for a kiss, but now that you mention it hehe 😙

You glance up from your phone and pinch his calf, making him bite his lip. At least it wiped that shit-eating grin off his face.

Popo: Ok, ok, I was kidding! But I do want a reward. Gimme your hand. You: What for? Popo: Just gimme.

Raising an eyebrow, you regard both of his hands - which are occupied. But Sampo winks and takes the phone in a hand, previously resting on the girl’s shoulder, and curls the fingers of his now free outstretched hand. And you slide your fingers over his.

Now the man too looks content.

You: Happy now? Popo: Blessed, I’d say 🥰. Want me to stay for a couple more days? I could help you around.

You glance up at him again. Your face must be wearing a stunned expression once more, because why else would he rub a thumb over your knuckles in a comforting manner?

You: Actually… I’d love that. And she would too. Popo: Perfect, good thing I already canceled all my plans. You: …what if I would’ve said no? Popo: I would’ve still stayed. Or get into your apartment against your will. You: Like I didn’t willingly give you a spare key - don’t make it sound like a breaking in. Popo: You know I could 😇

Shaking your head, but nevertheless smiling you tighten a hold around his hand.

You: Yeah, I know. Thank you again. Really. It means a lot. Popo: What, suggesting breaking into your apartment? You: Sampo… Popo: I’m messing with you! Just don’t pinch me again, I beg you.

You swear, if this man gets sick, you are not going to take care of his sorry ass.

…the decision you completely ditch when he actually does. Well, at the very least you girl, who recovered with your combined efforts, is happy he is staying for longer. 

Also hearing him whine and demand kisses is so funny.

taglist: @aksellerate, @keinavs, @the-fangirl-arrived, @nebulabunni3

[nostraightheadcanons]

☆ DJSS falling in love headcanons ☆ DJSS X Reader

This is a pretty long read whoopsie ;;

☆ DJSS is a rather complicated case, on one hand you could say he's expressive but that is moreso a facade than anything. his grandiose behaviour is something he does to further the narrative that he's trying to push. That this DJ SUBATOMIC SUPERNOVA is beyond anything the world could imagine, he's above such trivial things that are befitting lowly humans such as you all. So something such as emotions? and feelings for others? should be below him would it not? He's someone who doesn’t handle intimate feelings very well. It’s difficult for him to come to terms with having feelings for someone else let alone platonic emotions, both from fear of rejection and the notion of that he'd never be good enough or worth anyone's true effort and time. He's used to having people at arms length never letting them get close enough to see the man behind the veil.

☆ Any past attempts at close relations have always ended up in failure due to his personality and façade, he struggles with understanding peoples emotions and the ways others think. He may be attentive and observant of the people around him but he's not very receptive to their attempts of so called friendly relations, everything must be logical, calculated and fit the design he has planned perfectly, these fortuitous attempts through him off balance.

Everything must be either transactional in his head. Give or take and he's the one mostly doing the taking.

NSR is just a stepping stone for the grander plans in life, you may think he's friend with the fellow charters but I few it more complicated than that.

What does it mean to like someone if they provide nothing for you to gain? It's illogical and an anomaly

☆ He can't perceive the notion of liking someone just because. At first he doesn't even register it's crush, you're just a stray planet in his orbit. Just a minuscule dot in the ever-growing galaxy, nothing of worth. Next to nothing when compared to him. But you stay, you continue to orbit him. You spin on an axis that is unfamiliar and foreign to his core that for some reason he catches himself looking at.

You were unplanned, unwanted and a nuisance that wouldn't go away.

His body couldn't ignore the gravitational pull that always found him, drawing closer to you whether in word or body. ☆ Although he’s a seemingly emotionless man in regards to matters that are not within his interest on the outside and rather talented in hiding his true feelings, he’s the type of person to become flustered by small things such as the way you laugh or smile at him, despite how brazen and bold some of his actions and words are. Though spotting those subtle differences is hard, but if you look close enough you can see the way that his orb changes shades. The ways that the sparkles shift to glow just a tad brighter, the cosmic clouds entrapped within him shifting as the waves brew into a storm of emotion that even he couldn't predict.

The plantery rings on his jacket spin a little faster, and if you really catch him off guard? You can see glimpse of a aura / halo hidden deep within the confines of his hoody. Spinning and rotating just a tad. You're drawing things out of him that he had pushed down for centuries, an unprecedented shift in his reality. You were an anomaly that has sent ripples throughout his very existence and now he's feeling the waves of the aftermath that is now changing the protectory of his life.

Seriously, he’d wrap an arm around you without a second thought if he's boasting about himself and wanting you to back within his brilliance n shine. But the moment you ask him to go somewhere like lunch or someplace else. He's just riddled with questions and doesn't seem to understand why you'd want him Anxiety dripping down his back, he'd psyche himself out of it trying to ignore the way his orb displays a myriad of shades that toooottally weren't there before. ☆ So when DJSS actually realizes this is a crush: he can be a little bit distant. Honestly though, I can see him being either one of two ways: Confident but he amps up his façade like crazy that he thinks he can prove his worth by showboating his glory or as previously mentioned. He would definitely want to cultivate his relationship with you before bringing it to the next level as a result of both of these possibilities but it's entirely dependent on how you react on how things go from there. Will you be the time to reach forward if he's cold and distant to slowly chip away at the ice barricade his heart? Will you be able to dismiss the grand act he puts own and venture into the vast depths to find what lurks beneath.

There's someone there wanting to be love, he doesn't realize it yet until he feels the ice of the great unknown nipping at his neck bringing with it the dread of loneliness that has forever plagued his existence.

All of this would be like second nature to him, but once he realizes exactly why he feels the way he does, he would distance himself a little bit to recollect and organize these new emotions. He's not prepared for this change, he can't seem to categorize or make sense of anything you've done to him. ☆ If you two do miraculously end up together, DJSS wouldn't do one of those big grand confession he thinks they're rather ridiculous for something like him. He's THE DJ Subatomic Supernova, he's not going to waste his time on some silly confession. He’ll eventually gather his thoughts and get his shit together and ask you on a date. If you say no, he's mentally prepared for this anyway. He'll just try and cease all the changes you've made to him effective immediately and try to push down and suffocate his emotions

Like he normally does ☆ He wouldn't gush about you like others do about their partners, He's not that kind of guy. But it won't stop him from certainly talking about you a lot. It doesn’t take long for others to catch onto just how much he likes to brag about you. So much so, that people often have to tell him to shut up. He's annoyed so many of his staff members about this already

You think his gloating about himself was bad?

He's upping the ante and gloating about YOU TOO. ☆ Totally the jealous type of lover, he wants to be the only one that gets to touch you that way. To hold you? To kiss you? To look upon you fondly with just enough sweetness that you blush. That's for him and his eyes only. It bothers him if someone is pestering you or trying to flirt. If someone talks about you too fondly for too long it really gets under his skin

You'll often find his orb growing darker by the second, you know he's not the type to hide his dislike of someone ☆ BIG HAIRY GUY! You think after everything I've said he'd hate being touched? Nope! He's touched starved and wants nothing more to be held and cuddled, once those walls are down and he learns to trust his feelings and you there's no stopping him from keeping his hands off you one way or the other. You can find him coiling his arms around you entangling you completely as he elongates his limbs to ensnare you completely. It's either draped on your shoulder, holding your hand or around your waist When he demands affection there’s no getting around it until he gets what he wants

Call him selfish and jealous, but you're his and he'll do anything to make that obvious to anyone around him ☆ The way to his heart? Cook for him, He's not the best in the kitchen mediocre at best, some of his attempts end up in disaster. Cooking is not logical, so many factors and things he needs to account for that can change on a dime and he hates that. So he avoids cooking as much as possible which means he either skips meals or substitutes for rather lacking options.

It shows him that you care and that you pay attention to him in ways that others do not, seriously it means a lot to him even if he has trouble showing that to you. Sometimes even you make him lose the words to say, which is surprising . .. given him.

☆Mod Nine☆

[renaiswriting]

Brighter Days Ahead

Pairing: Choi Seungcheol/Reader

Summary: After you failed an exam, Seungcheol took it upon himself to make sure you felt better.

Warnings: None I think (?) It's just fluff.

Word count: +1.7k words.

Author's note: To the person who requested this, I hope you find some sort of comfort in this.

Masterlist.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

You were seconds from tearing your hair apart.

The coffee was already cold since it had been a long time since you sat down to study.

The library that you once shared with ten other people is now still open because of you and only you. The lady that worked there had come to check on you a while ago, and now you were even guessing that she was either sleeping or about to.

Your stomach was begging for you to put something else down that wasn't coffee, but unless your brain started to stick with the information you needed for your exam, you had no plans on hearing it.

It was kind of discouraging how, after reading for hours, you still had the same knowledge on the topic as when you started.

You wanted to cry because, one, it felt like you just wasted your whole day, especially a sunny day that was becoming less common as the cold temperatures were slowly becoming the norm. With autumn so close now, you were inside with a pile of books and homework. And second, it was all for nothing because you couldn't answer any of the mental questions that you usually asked to quiz yourself.

Cheol: Are you on your way home already?

The text was sent almost an hour ago, and you opened it just now. He knew that if you didn't answer, it was because you kept on studying. You rarely touched your phone during your study time, especially when it was done in the library, because a part of your brain was constantly reminding you that you had gone there to study and study only; after all, if you wanted to waste time on your phone, you could have just stayed home, and also because it felt like everybody was judging you for not studying whenever you touched your phone in there.

You have told your friends about it before, and they told you that you were just being paranoid because nobody stared at the library, but you knew it wasn't true because once in a while you did lift your head to take a quick glance at your surroundings, and whenever you saw somebody using the library for anything other than studying, you did judge them. which means that they would most likely be judging you as well if you touched your phone.

It has been such a rough week with at least one exam per day, and as more of them keep appearing on your schedule, the more unmotivated you feel to study or do anything related to them.

 

You guessed that having failed a handful of them wasn't helping you either.

 

Your eyes still burned from the crying session from the night before after receiving the results of the exams you were hoping to pass.

You closed your eyes for a second, sighing. You massage them for a moment, trying to take the burn away.

Maybe you just needed a nap.

And food.

And finding someone with lots of money so you wouldn't have to study.

You laughed at the last one, knowing damn well that you wanted to be the rich man rather than marry one.

You had around ten hours until the exam took place, and you still need to have at least a spoon of food to call it a day and go to sleep.

You texted Seungcheol, letting him know you were just going home; your roommate was probably enjoying her vacations already.

She was studying another career, and her exams had taken place almost two weeks ago. At first, you enjoyed teasing her about not having to stress about exams, but now you were sad that you did not have free time to enjoy the weather.

Your eyes shut down as soon as your head touched the pillow in your bedroom, and quicker than you would have wanted, you were finishing your breakfast and running to your exam.

You were constantly reviewing all the material you had been studying until the last possible minute before your teacher called everyone inside the classroom in which the exam would take place.

Maybe it was your nerves, but suddenly your hands were freezing, your feet felt like they were minutes away from falling because of how cold they felt, and you couldn't stop shaking.

You took a deep breath to calm yourself. It kind of worked at first, but as soon as your teacher handed you the exam, it all came back.

You read question after question, and out of the ten, you could probably make out an answer for maybe two of them.

And you weren't even sure it would be enough of an answer to get the whole point of it.

You silently sat still in your seat as you saw classmate after classmate walk to your teacher with their exams, leaving the classroom.

 

You honestly felt angry at yourself; how could you simply not know any of the rest of the questions?

 

You have had to study for this.

 

Where has all the time spent with your books gone?

 

Your teacher received your exam with a smile that you couldn't quite reciprocate, and before you knew it, you were locked in one of the bathrooms, calling Seungcheol.

 

"Hey gorgeous, how did that exam go?"

 

And that was enough; without a second to understand what was going on or to control your emotions, you were sobbing. Big, thick tears were running down your cheeks as you were trying to explain to Seungcheol how awful you felt.

 

You were sure part of the reason for the crying was the frustration of the whole situation and also the lack of actual sleep.

"Hey, no, no, no, don't cry, baby. It's okay, you hear me? You said it yourself—you can always retake the exam, right? Don't cry, love."

Seungcheol was trying his best to calm you down.

"You're still there, sweetheart?" To your positive response, he added. "Alright, wait for me there; I'll come and pick you up, okay?"

You fortunately didn't have to wait that long because five minutes later Seungcheol's car was parking out in front of the front door of the building.

Some of your classmates looked at you as you walked out of the bathroom with red, puffy eyes, but most of them could understand why you were crying, so most of them just gave you a reassuring smile.

As soon as you opened the car's door, Seungcheol hugged you, bringing you as close to his chest as possible. Pampering you with kisses on your head

When you finally calmed down, and the only hint that you had been crying were your hiccups here and there, you moved away from his warm embrace, resting your back against your seat.

"Here, I bring you something."

Seungcheol handed you a bag that you hadn't seen until now. It was the bag from your favorite fast food place, and you wouldn't usually buy it unless it was for a special occasion, like your birthday.

But your mind told you, "Well, fuck it. You deserve it now."

The first bite sent you straight to heaven. You close your eyes and enjoy every single second of it.

Seungcheol chuckled at your reaction, pinching your cheek before starting to drive away from the building.

"We're close to the cinema; want to go and see what movies there are today?" Seungcheol offered.

You shook your head and said, "I just want to go home." You replied.

It wasn't a long drive until your department, but it was long enough for you to finish the Hamburger and start with the fries.

Seungcheol hates it when people eat in his car, so you were extremely thankful that he gave you the trust to eat there. You were as careful as possible, feeding him some fries as he waited at a red light.

After the whole meal you devoured in seconds, you were feeling sleepy, and there was nothing you were whisking for other than cuddles.

Your department was a mess just like you left it before going to take your exam, and while you would usually be embarrassed to have left the place in such conditions, you cut yourself some slack.

 

Seungcheol held your hand as he made both of you walk to the sofa, making you rest your head on his lap, his fingers massaging your scalp.

 

And just when you thought you were starting to get over the emotional rollercoaster, you started to feel tears running down your cheeks.

Seungcheol didn't mention anything; instead, he moved his fingers to clean your tears, softly carrarasing your cheek.

"I studied so hard, so damn hard, but it was all just in vain."

Seungcheol ducked his head, his lips moving from every inch of your face, lovely, giving you some comfort with his kisses. His arms were holding you strongly against his stomach, almost like he was trying to transfer your suffering to himself.

"I feel like I'm a failure."

Seungcheol clicked his tongue. "Of course you are not," Seungcheol nags at you. "It was just an exam, and I know it was important to you, but a bad exam result is not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean you are a failure. It happens to the best of us; I once failed an exam with a two out of ten, and that doesn't mean you're dating a dumbass, is it?" He joked, making you giggle.

Your eyes moved to his, frowning as your thoughts started forming once again.

"But what if I'm not cut out for this?" Your voice wavered with doubt.

"Then I'll work hard so you can become a trophy wife." Seungcheol joked, gaining a punch from you.

 

"I'm serious!" You responded, still laughing.

 

Seungcheol smiled big, seeing that you were not crying anymore. "You will keep trying; you will eventually ace that exam; we can find some solutions; maybe we can study together? I don't understand much about it, but we can watch some YouTube videos or we can find someone to tutor you." Seungcheol reassured you. "We will find a way; don't worry."

Seungcheol's warm hands were cupping your face. "You are so capable of doing anything you set your mind to, you should really start to give yourself credit for it," he said firmly. "You've worked hard to get to this point, and I bet it wasn't always easy back then as well, so this is just another obstacle that will make you stronger."

 

And, for the first time in a while, you decided to trust yourself that eventually it would be alright.

 

You've got Seungcheol by your side.

 

Everything would be fine.

[lukolabrainrot]

Would love to know if everyone else is constantly flip flopping between ok they will absolutely get together to if they haven't by now after a tour like that, they never will and they must have their reasons?! It's driving me insane, I don't know how people have coped since the days of Jade, I'm only a few months in and already need them to sort their shit out!

Like I was fully optimistic the other day thinking it was plausible that Nic was wearing Lukes "drink milk" shirt with the half turned up sleeve (what has my life become!) and she looked so happy and she was posting more again on sm, knowing everyone would over analyse everything so I thought maybe things were taking a turn for the positive!

Now I'm reading the X rumours he's been spotted in some other country and people speculating its Cyrpus with A visiting her family. Could be absolute nonsense but the fact DM rehashed her old podcast about them, it would follow that we will get bombarded with clues now of where they are together from A. If they are on a holiday just the 2 of them, that kind of throws a lot of my theories out the window where I thought he would want to be distancing himself from A now in order to make a go of things with Nic.

But then I remember there has to be something more than friends between N & L or else I think Nic would have come to Lukes defence in a much stronger way after the pap walk given the backlash he got after it. I think if it had been all PR playing into their natural chemistry, Nic wouldn't have let him take the heat on his own as there was two of them in it and it would have been their game plan from the start, even with A being on the scene. Nic is very SM savvy and with their PR teams I'm sure they could have figured something to minimise the impact even though they would both then of got it in the neck for gaslighting everyone, at least it would have been done and everyone would have moved on by now! Instead, they both disappeared from SM and ignored it all because they couldn't refute what everyone saw because they are in love and didn't want to lie!!

So then I'm back to their absolutely has to be more to their story and the cycle just continues everytime something with A or JD crops up and I'm like, what are they all doing!!!

Same anon, same.

It's been quite the 🎢 on this 🚢, BUT I've been feeling more optimistic in general about L/N lately, and I think this is what's been helping me stay positive and level-headed in the midst of all the noise:

I literally don't listen to ANY of the rumors until I have receipts/proof. If I don't have this, then I just consider the rumor to be BS. This has been helping me soooo much! Although, I still spiral every once in a while 😅

I think we had soooo much content of L/N for MONTHS, that I think we all are kind of going through "withdrawals" (for lack of a better word), especially for those of us that are new to the ship, and are therefore hyperanalyzing EVERYTHING related to L and N. I keep reminding myself that it is normal for L/N to not put out a lot of content of each other in the in-between periods of Bridgerton. I also remind myself we have NO idea 100% what's going on with them BTS until we get more public confirmation (which we may or may not get).

Lastly, like you mentioned anon, I feel like if NOTHING had been going on between L/N during the PR tour, they would have publicly shut down the rumors, ESPECIALLY if L was really in a serious relationship with A. However, other than that one story N posted right after Papgate calling L a great "friend", they didn't really solidly come out and clarify that what we saw wasn't more than just PR. Why?? Because it wasn't, and like you mentioned anon, they couldn't refute that. I think a lot of things about them came out publicly that they weren't exactly ready for the public to know, so they TRIED to hide behind their characters on the tour (they didn't do a super good job with that imo, but I think that's because this was a HUGE deal for them and they were HAPPY and having a hard time hiding it 😍). So they had to correct for that, which resulted in a lot of what we saw between L/N/A after the London premiere. I've talked about my thoughts on all this in my "timelines" posts, so please refer to those if you would like to know more of my thoughts on all that. HOWEVER, I think we have gotten QUITE A FEW Easter Eggs the last few days, from N especially, that hint that things are moving in a positive direction with these two 👀 I'll talk about my thoughts on that sometime tonight...

[notmorbid]

big swiss.

dialogue prompts from big swiss: a novel by jen beagin.

your aura is the size of a barge.

so you do have feelings?

i'm a shit-thinker, not a shit-talker.

where are you from, originally?

do you sing? are you a singer?

i don't use what happened to me as an excuse.

i'm a worker, not a wallower.

trauma doesn't get you a lifelong 'get out of jail free' card.

my siblings are dicks. i'd never die for them.

you seem disconnected from your body.

have you ever seen so many narcissists gathered in one place? be honest.

we hate all the same things.

why would you google such a thing?

people are almost never articulate about their pain.

there's not a lot of shame in this town.

it's not haunted. it's cursed, which is slightly different.

i never expected to feel this way again.

enough about me. did you have an okay childhood?

i've always been drawn to darksiders.

we just met. i don't want to scare you.

did you fit in, or were you a weirdo?

sleeping alone is my greatest unfiltered joy.

sounds like you read my diary.

call me before you do anything stupid, okay? promise.

perhaps you're unaware of it, but your every thought is written on your face.

i'm rarely lonely because i like my own brain.

anger can be cleansing, too.

better the devil you know.

aren't you afraid of getting caught?

you could talk to a hole in the wall.

i can't have more than one friend at a time.

people only live like this if they're on really good drugs.

i wish i saw myself in you.

do people say 'boss' anymore? you know, as a synonym for 'cool'?

a group of vultures is called a 'committee', which is kind of cute.

don't finish my sentences.

i don't respond well to verbal compliments. they seem phony to me.

dog parks are for people, not dogs.

did you just say what i think you said?

first thought, worst thought.

it feels like we already know each other.

i'm a thinker, not a feeler.

do i seem gay to you?

i was born with bags under my eyes.

what's more off-putting than namedropping?

i wouldn't know what to do with money, except piss it away.

are you going to make obscure references all night?

are you always this intense?

i distrust people pleasers.

you can't steal from the library. it's extremely bad luck.

luck is my only religion.

i don't feel like myself. or maybe i feel more like myself.

you've been standing there for twenty minutes.

last night i dreamed there were eight of you, and i didn't know which one was real.

i feel like you're hiding something from me, but i can't figure out what it is.

i think about you when you're not around.

don't tell me you talk to me in your head.

i fantasized about your forearms for weeks.

i might be growing a third eye.

lie next to me for a minute.

you already have what you're looking for. it's already there, inside you.

i'm feeling pretty gay, to be honest.

you look incredible for your age. you know that, right?

i watch porn now, thanks to you.

i am, in fact, a terrible actor. friend. human being.

stories change, depending on the audience. everybody knows that.

can you see what kind of night i've had?

you have the most expressive mouth i've ever seen.

you're not as detached as you think.

have you ever been happy?

i feel like a patch of moving fog, most of the time.

your ability to compartmentalize bewilders me.

you should try living in the world. or, i don't know, reading a newspaper.

i feel like i'm accessing and inhabiting one of my past lives.

i feel radicalized. ready to fight.

it's an omen. one of us is about to die.

you look more alive than you have in years.

are the words 'adult' and 'adultery' related?

i missed you. grievously.

what is that scent you're wearing?

i've been trying to ease my way into telling you about it.

before we met, i felt frozen. now i'm a puddle on the floor.

there's an air of doom about you.

you seem profoundly lonely.

so i make people want to kill themselves?

i tend to attract damaged people. broken toys.

i love being in public with you.

i am a master of the charade.

i never pity the rich.

do you consider me distant and unfeeling?

there's something actually wrong with you.

confess. unburden yourself. take responsibility.

we're not 'dating'. don't be disgusting.

i'm having an allergic reaction to your horrible personality.

i think we might be in love.

i had a very intense dream about ____ the other night.

what's happening to you?

one of the pitfalls of same-sex relationships? you can't break down in peace in public restrooms.

flowering dogwoods are bisexual. like us.

your 'tough girl' routine is pretty transparent, at this point.

it wouldn't be paranoia if i had any control over it.

you don't seem afraid to take emotional risks.

are you trying to get me to leave you?

you'll have to reinvent yourself.

do you know how many bathrooms i've cried in? thirteen.

i don't trust you right now, but i do care about you.

maybe you should try sitting with your discomfort.

i'd rather live like an animal than in some fantasy where people only have control over me if i let them.

you millennials and your utopias, i swear to god. you're so attached to your vision, to your virtue, to your supposedly good intentions. to being on the right side of everything.

why is it so dark in here?

i called and called but you weren't picking up, so i started walking.

you don't have a casual bone in your body. not one.

get under the covers. i'll sit with you until you fall asleep.

i'm always suspicious of people who openly worship their families.

if you can't even say it, maybe it's not something you should be doing.

you must have dirt on everyone in town.

i'm not done with you. i'm not sure i'll ever be.

this is a gossip-free zone.

you don't seem like a horse person.

your world seems like a good place to disappear.

you need to have more compassion for yourself.

i know my heart seems like it's in one piece, but it's not. it's all smashed up.

i was just looking for a way to feel better.

i've survived a thing or two, same as you.

you give up too easily. even in arguments.

is there anyone you actually care about?

i chose you. over and over.

i've never been more myself with anyone. including myself.

we all have an inner shithead. maybe you need to shake hands with yours.

i was too ashamed to tell you, or anyone else.

sometimes it's hard to let go of a secret companion, even if they're shitty company.

[graveyardcuddles]

I never really understood when people talked about "the pain" of falling in love with fictional characters. I've had crushes on fictional characters before. I knew people fell in love with fictional characters. Those people described their feelings as beyond a crush and that they truly, genuinely in love with their character. But I never really related to those feelings. Not until Astarion.

I know this post is gonna sound silly to some but I actually teared up a lil writing this lol.

It's kinda crazy to experience this feeling for the very first time at my age. Maybe it's because of the video game romance aspect, which I had never really experienced before bg3. Maybe it was because I met Astarion at a time in my life where I was desperately lonely and isolated.

I was very much in my trauma of something terrible that had happened to me a few years prior that I'm still healing from and will carry with me for the rest of my life. I was abandoned by my friends and family in this crisis and left to pick up these pieces. I lost the opportunity to fulfill some of my biggest dreams. I generally felt broken, ugly, and unlovable.

And then this beautiful man comes into my life and makes me smile and laugh so much more than I've smiled or laughed in literal YEARS. He's this delightful combination of vampire tropes I adore that just tickles me and makes me hang onto his every word.

His flirting is over the top and silly, sure. But I can't help but fall for it because he calls me "darling" and "beautiful" and like....I've literally NEVER flirted with by ANYONE I felt attracted to before. I know a lot of people criticize Astarion fans who fall for his flirting right away for "falling for the act," but it's hard not to when you're not used to feeling desired. For once in my life, it felt nice to be desirable.

And of course, the more I found out about him, the more and more I fell in love with him and wanted to do everything I could for him. Finding every little way to get approval from him in the game. Finding every conversation you could have with him. Dressing him up. Leveling him up and making him stronger. Romancing him. Killing his abuser with him. Freeing him. Finally completing his quest and then getting that last scene with him at the epilogue.

It was after the epilogue scene that I realized I couldn't get enough of him. Thst I was actually MISSING him when I wasn't playing the game. And worse, I started wishing I could literally experience the relationship my Tav has with him. That I he could look at me like that, kiss me like, hold me like that.

I started thinking I really wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to find a nice, sweet, funny bi/pansexual man I could get to know. I downloaded a dating profile. But it didn't take very much time swipping through profiles before I realized I wasn't really looking for any boyfriend. I was looking for an Astarion in the guys on this app. I ultimately felt like it wasn't fair to them to hold them to that expectation.

So I gave up on the idea of dating for now (I have other things going on in life that make that hard, but yeah). My desire to find Astarion in someone else wouldn't end well, probably. I still feel such a strong love and desire for him it actually hurts my heart.

Even so it still took me a LONG time to admit I actually LOVE Astarion, and that this isn't just a regular crush. I didn't WANT to be in love with a fictional character. But after failing to connect with anyone on the dating app I realized this went deeper than just wanting a relationship. This was about wanting a SPECIFIC relationship, one that had serious limitations compared to a "regular" romance.

I know he's not real. And that's part of where the pain comes from. I desperately wish he was real. Or at least a version of him who's in a more healthy, healed place and ready for a relationship. I know one day I might be able to find someone who's somewhat like him. But I'm too afraid I don't have enough to offer a real person for a real relationship right now. I don't know if I ever will be. I know Astarion will always be there for me, though. At least in my heart.

It is painful to be in love with a fictional character. But I do think that is what I feel for Astarion. I think about him every day. He makes me smile and laugh. I picture a life with him all the time. And the joy I receive from thinking about him FEELS like him loving me back.

Astarion has even motivated me to improve myself for the better, somewhat. I make an effort to take care of myself more partially because I feel like he would judge me if I didn't lol.

[idkwhatimdoinghere1655]

Called You Again - Mick Schumacher

<word count - 1885>

You were bored. You were bored, and had a whole lot of thoughts trampling through your mind like a stampede. You hadn't heard from Mick in a while, and he hadn't heard from you either. Well, that was probably expected from two people who had recently broken up.

It was mutual, and it was civil, but that never stopped you from missing him. You had been staring at your phone for the past half an hour, as if willing it to buzz with the powers of your mind. But, even then, the capabilities of discarded love couldn't force someone to call you. 

You sighed, frustrated with yourself as you scrambled to pick the phone up before you found some sense within you and stopped. Ironically, or not so much, Mick's phone number was the first one at the top of your contacts. 

After a few rings, the line went quiet, before you heard a, "Hey, Y/N," in the softest voice you had ever had the pleasure of getting used to. "Hey, Mick. How've you been?" you asked, pressing the phone to your ear. You didn't know why you kept on thinking you could be friends after what you were, but there was always that little part of your brain that longed to hear his voice. 

"Not bad thanks, you?" he asked, not wanting to admit that the nature of your call seemed slightly suspicious. Sure, you had settled it on good terms, but he didn't know if that constituted calling the other person. "Yeah, I've been good," you said, and silence settled over the pair of you.

"So, is there a reason you've called or...?" Mick broke the quiet. He didn't want his question to come across as rude, or like he didn't want to talk to you, he was simply curious. "I was just thinking how we don't really talk anymore, and I thought it'd be nice to catch up," you explained, more as if you were convincing yourself that that was the reason. 

"OK, yeah, I guess you're right," Mick agreed, finding your excu- reasoning to be normal, and he had been thinking about it too. "So, what's new with you?" He asked, continuing the conversation. Your heart was telling you to say you missed him, but your head said no way. 

You never really loved him that bad anyway, you were just lonely and the sound of his voice, asking how you'd been doing made it feel like someone cared again. He did a one point, but not anymore. You both knew that. "Nothing much, life just carries on, I suppose," you said, mentally scolding yourself when you realised how depressing you must've sounded.

"But works been going pretty great, so that's always good," you said, hoping to lighten the mood somewhat. "That's great to hear, did you get the promotion you wanted?" he asked, and if he wasn't genuinely interested, he was doing a damn good job at acting like he was.

"Yeah, I did," you nodded, surprised he had still remembered. It was something you had mentioned briefly a few days before you decided to call it quits, so it wasn't something you had made a huge deal out of.  "Woah, well done! I knew you'd get it," he gushed, and for a moment, you were back when you had just scored your dream job, and he had said nearly the exact same thing.

But things were different now. 

"I was so nervous, because I thought I wouldn't, but then I did," you rambled, as if he were right there in the room with you. "There was never any doubt in my mind that you would," he reassured, and you could hear the smile that was dancing on his lips. "I put a lot of work into it, so I'm glad it paid off," you lightly chuckled.

"How about you?" you asked. The most you knew was that he was still testing for Mercedes, and he was still a reserve driver for if Lewis or George couldn't race. "I've been doing a lot of simulator work recently, so a lot of late nights, but it's worth it. I've been loving every minute of it," he explained.

The passion in his voice whenever he talked about anything remotely related to cars never failed to make your heart sing, and you admired his love for racing. It truly was his life, but that wasn't something you got to share anymore.

"Good good, I'm glad you're enjoying it," you replied, nodding while pressing the phone evermore closer to your ear, as if it would bring Mick closer to you. Silence fell over the line, but neither of you put the phone down. 

Neither of you said anything for a short while, either. The silence was slightly awkward, since neither of you really knew what to say. But still, you never put the phone down. You never knew when you were done talking with him, so you didn't want to be the one to end it. 

And you never really were the one who wanted to end it. 

As you sat in the silence, you asked yourself why you were always calling him again. You didn't love him anymore, that was what you told yourself, but then why did you feel compelled to hear his voice, his laugh? You were just being friendly, simple as that. There was nothing more to it. Absolutely nothing more. 

You talked for a little while more, but then Mick had to go. This time, you were left in silence without the chance that you'd get to hear his voice break through it. There were so many other people you could have called while you were away, but you didn't. It just wasn't the same as the homely comfort that talking to Mick offered, and there was no way to get around that. 

But, that didn't mean you loved him anymore. Not in the slightest. You were just lonely and missing your friends since you were always away at races. Yes, this job was your dream, but that didn't mean you didn't feel isolated every now and then.

Mick was always in the same time zone, and you already knew his schedule, so you knew when he was free and when it was a good time to call. It was simply convenient. There it was, that was the reason you called Mick. It was convenient. Your brain was happy with that conclusion, but your heart was overly skeptical. It always was when it came to your feelings for Mick, but you weren't listening to it today. 

--

You hadn't spoken to Mick in... A while. Well, it was long enough for you to realise that you hadn't heard his voice in a while. You knew you could have easily called him and ended the torment that felt self-inflicted.

It was almost like quitting smoking. If you never went back to cigarettes, then you'd never crave them again. On the outside, it looks easy, but try to do it, and you'll almost definitely fail to quit completely, caving back into the temptation.

It was also like you were in denial. If you never accepted that you actually wanted to call him, then you'd never actually want to call him. That was how that worked, right? 

You had so many excuses to not call him, the main one being the fact that you had convinced yourself into believing that he had loved you the most. He loved you more than you had loved him, and calling him was only hurting him more. 

Not even all of the conviction in the world could convince that one tiny, little, Mick-reserved section of your heart that that was true. It would never be enough to make that one bit of your brain that kept that tiny, little section beating let him go. It would grasp on with all of its might and power for as long as it had the strength to, and it wasn't showing any signs of giving up now. 

Whenever you so much as looked at your phone, your brain screamed at you to get a grip and call the guy, but it would never actually let you. Your limbs would freeze in place, fingers hovering over the call button until the screen faded to black and you'd say it was 'a sign'.

It was probably better off this way, anyway. He'd be better off by himself, and maybe he could find someone new without the ghost of you haunting him whenever you called. He'd be better off without you clinging to him. 

Another night went by, the same thoughts running through your brain, not letting you fall asleep. It was like you were plagued by the thoughts of him. But then, the sharp rings of your phone interrupted the peace. 

It was probably just someone from work, nothing special. You picked the phone up, and nearly dropped it when you saw his face filling up the screen. That dazzling smile with those bright blue eyes was a sight for sore eyes.

You were so shocked, yet elated at the same time, that you just stared at his picture until the room fell quiet again. You scrambled to call him back, excited to hear the sweet, soothing tones of his voice. "Hey, sorry, my phone was on the other side of the room," you lied, as if you needed a reason to have missed his call. 

"Hey, Y/N, don't worry about it. How are you?" He asked, and you fell back into the vicious cycle all over again. One of you would be the one to call for a little while, then they'd stop, then the other would call, and then stop. But it happened over and over again. 

It always carried on, and one of you always poked the sleeping bear. You always wondered why you called him again, or why you picked up his late night phone calls. That childish, giggly feeling of butterflies that lingered in your stomach after you'd talked to him wasn't love.

The yearn you had to talk to him and see him wasn't love. The need you had for him and the respect you held wasn't love. It had been, but it wasn't anymore. Love wasn't supposed to hurt like this did.

--

Now you don't really talk anymore. 

You were in one of those slumps, and it was technically your turn to call him, if that was how that worked. But it made sense, all you did was hurt him. All you did was cause him pain. All of that because you would always call him back, no matter what you told yourself. 

You hurt yourself so that you wouldn't hurt him anymore, and that was OK. He was worth it, even if your efforts would always go unvalued and unnoticed. One day, it wouldn't hurt so badly. One day, you'd have someone else to call, and you wouldn't feel at a loose end. 

 You didn't like hurting him, that was never your intention. But it took some of the pain away. It was like nurofen - it took the ache away for a short while, it left you numb. Yes, the ache always came back, but it was those moments of freedom that were your escape. 

Your moments of freedom caused him pain, because you called him again. 

A/N - OK, so we're just over a fifth through this already, so go me! Can't believe I am being so dedicated. And I am still writing all part 2s and requests, so don't worry if you're still waiting on something. It's coming, I promise. If any of you have anymore requests, then feel free to submit them!

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