#now I'm gonna I need to go to therapy

[stressedbeetle]

I just watched ep 49 of Monster and oh my god I'm traumatized

[triglycercule]

mtt therapy moment except dust keeps taking breaks to talk to phantom papyrus and horror just wants this to hurry up so it can get to his turn because he couldn't give two shits about dust and killer's trauma and killer physically cannot discuss his issues and just starts zoning out while crying for some reason during it

and i'm the therapist listening to all of this writing down notes fervently because ITS CANON MATERIAL CANON I NEED TO GET THE CANON MATERIAL

[abbyhaslongshorts]

I was LITERALLY just about to reach the end of red dead redemption 2 on my first playthrough ever (not counting the epilogue) and then my PlayStation gives me an error code and has me reboot the game. I have never felt more violent and manic then I do in this very moment...

[sappho-favourite-pupil]

Y'all know Fragment 31, the most famous poem written by our Goddess and Saviour Sappho. This is how it ends: "but everything must be endured, since..." and we lost the last part of the verse.

Like, what do you mean "we lost" it?

I need to know, i need to fucking know what's the reason behind everything we have to endure and how we can do that.

[just got a breakdown over this don't judge me, okay?]

[pancake-breakfast]

Finishing this volume up earlier than usual isn't going to lessen the pain, but it might free me up to do a few more write-ups I need to do.

Stream-of-consciousness thoughts for TriMax Vol. 10, Chapters 6-8 below.

Chapter 6: The Return

The return of what?? What is there to return??? Are they just gonna go back to the orphanage? The return of Livio?? I ask all these things like Nightow's not gonna answer that in the next however many pages.

Yeah, I imagine punches hurt a lot more when YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SKIN.

Ugh, Vash just... standing there, listening to Wolfwood beat the shit out of Razlo. I'm not sure what he's thinking or feeling, but I'm not sure I want to know.

I like Livio... but I think I'd be ok with Razlo never being whole again.

Vash.... Wolfwood, stop punching and go hug your mans or something. He's not doing so well.

Oh, Raz. Chapel wouldn't help you if he could. He never cared enough about you for that.

Dear lord, that's not a healthy thing to do, Wolfwood. I realize you don't have any control over it, but maybe it's time to just stop for a bit. (Side note: props to Nightow for not having his characters just arbitrarily coughing up blood all the time. Really increases the impact when they finally do.)

THE FUCK. DON'T DOWN THE LAST VIAL. YOU'RE JUST SPEEDING UP THE INEVITABLE.

Gods, Raz regenerates quickly.

Huh, his living minions have names, and he knows them. I wonder if the one he turned into chaff had a name.

I dunno if Vash is gonna tolerate this.

Yeah, Vash says no. Kicks for you. He'll allow Wolfwood to finish his business with Raz because he knows this is important to Wolfwood, but if he doesn't get to interfere, then neither does anyone else.

In this moment, I fully believe Vash will kill them if they don't lay off. That said, I'm not sure they're fully human and not some sort of construct.

Raz is doing a great job talking despite not having lips. *mumbles something indistinct about episode 12 of Stampede*

Huh???

LIVIO!!! My boi is here to save his big bro!

Gods, I love these panels. I love how they're set up like two different characters.

Wolfwood knows something's up.

Where the hell did the other Punisher come from? That's Chapel's Punisher. Isn't he dead??

DAMMIT, FUCK THIS GUY SO HARD WITH A *redacted* RIGHT IN THE *redacted* UNTIL HE *redacted* AND *redacted, AND THEN *redacted* HIS *redacted* WITH A *redacted* UNTIL IT LOOKS LIKE SWISS CHEESE!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!

Ugh, I told you, Raz. I'm sorry, my guy. I know how much it sucks to find out someone you thought was there to take care of you and who you thought valued your life only ever saw you as a pawn toward a different end.

What's more, Raz, is I just skimmed back and what you probably thought was a half-hearted attempt by Wolfwood to smack you away from himself in fear probably just saved your life.

Finish that bastard off. Please. Make sure he doesn't get up again. Make sure he never hurts anyone else again. Finish what your brother started.

Honestly, Nightow could have put absolutely no dialogue on these panels and I'd still be able to hear Raz scream.

Nah, scale it back, Razlo. I know you don't know the meaning of the words, but to quote Stampede Wolfwood, he's not the one who hurt you.

Freaking Livio, man. (affectionate, full of admiration)

Listen to him, Raz. You exist to protect him. If he says you're done, you're done.

Yes. If it weren't for you, Livio would be dead. But the fight is over. It's time to end this, Razlo.

There's something very important about apologizing to yourself for the unhealthy and/or dangerous coping mechanisms you forced yourself to build up... and in forgiving yourself for for them, too.

Ah, the little peons have gone passive now that their master has receded.

Freaking Wolfwood took this time to find and light another of his terribly crushed cigarettes. Freaking addict.

Chapter 7: Wolfwood

No no no no. I know where this chapter goes. I'm not ready.

For the record, I'm just gonna play take a little hand by yoko kanno on repeat the whole time I read this chapter. It's literally been stuck in my head since I got hit with the volume's feels last night, so I'm gonna just ride it out.

"Sleep on a proper bed as much as you can." This is such a good wish. If one has ever been poor enough not to have a proper bed for any length of time, they get it. It's a wish for the luxury of simple comforts, like wishing for someone to have a full stomach or clean clothes.

He thought he was joining a good organization, a group that would help others. He was just a child.

TBH, he looks younger here than he looks in some of the other flashbacks. Here, he looks like he's eight, but in some of the others, he looks like he's 12-14.

We don't have time for the ark now, Brad! And by "time," I mean "emotional energy for whatever those crazies intend to do next." Make 'em go away!

Vash opens the door for the people from the orphanage to come out... but we don't see his face. That feels ominous. I wonder if he's managing one of his fake smiles at this point, or if he's not even bothering for once. (I say "for once," but it feels like his mask falls a lot more these days than it used to.)

Yyyyeah, it might have been a good idea to clean up some of the bodies first. Or let the kids out through the back or something.

*sigh* Vash just wanted to give them some time together.

Man, Livio looks wrecked. Not physically. Emotionally.

Ah, Brad dropped Vash off. That explains that. I remember the ship and I remember thinking it looked like one of Home's vessels, but I wasn't sure if Vash had driven it or what. I like to imagine Vash just jumped out of it from way too high up.

Heh. Wolfwood knows he can't fool Miss Melanie, but he's still trying to protect the kids. Or... maybe he's trying to protect himself. He doesn't want them to see him like this, to think of him like this.

Honestly, given how young some of these kids were, it's a wonder so many of them remember him.

Vash, still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they can save him.

Nicholas Dickolas Wolfwood! You're only giving Vash that coin and saying, "This is who I really am," and all that bullshit because you're trying to make your passing easier on Vash, to drive him away so it maybe hurts him less. But you are too late for that. Idiot. He LOVES YOU. Deeply. It doesn't matter if or even need to be romantic. HE LOVES YOU.

LOL, Livio. Bless this man. Also maybe get him a shirt.

*sigh* Klutz.

Damn Nightow for adding this comic relief here. I know it's a lie.

*more sighing* Aaaaand there's the bottle.

Freaking couch....

Gods. Remember... remember waaaaay back when they first met, and Wolfwood went out of his way to make Vash smile? He truly loves Vash's smile. But there's no way in hell Vash could give him a genuine one right now, and that's the smile Wolfwood truly loves.

Well... dammit, Wolfwood would of course be thinking of that, too. Here I thought I was being all smart about the callback, but Nightow just spelled it out for us.

Vash is about to have a full breakdown here. Usually, it's Wolfwood praying, but this time, it's Vash. He doesn't want apologies. He just... he just wants this person who means so much to him to be here. To keep being here. For as long as possible.

Them throwing ticker tape, just like when he left before. Just like you would for a celebration, like a wedding. You... you know Stampede's opening Tombi references this, too??

Heh. Six years, and they saved all this for when he came back. He was well-loved.

Brad's incensed face in the background.

Miss Melanie went against Wolfwood's request... but she's worked with kids a lot. Desperate, hurt kids. Kids who've had to grow up before their time even if they don't show it on the outside the way Wolfwood does. She knows they're smarter than most give them credit for. And she knows some part of Wolfwood's heart needs this. He needs to know that in spite of everything, he's still loved, even by them.

Wolfwood doesn't strike me as much of a crier, unlike Vash. But... hey, now's as good a time as any, huh?

The iron bell in the tower is ringing.

Yeah. Yeah, I knew this would be the next page.

Livio knows. Vash knows. Vash can't hold it in anymore.

Aaaand the ark is here. This is going to go very, very poorly for someone.

Chapter 8: Final Parting

I'd guess Livio's about to have a very different relationship with the ark than he had before.

Ah, the ark is either not as close as the final page of the last chapter made it seem, or it passed them by for now.

Vash is stress cooking.

Livio, you moron. What did you think was happening??

Side note: I like how Livio's hair has gone from, "I am dead inside and don't care about anything," to something that's almost quirky and childlike.

This is the face of someone who's checked the hell out for the foreseeable future.

TBH, it's probably a good thing Livio clarified his "why." If he hadn't, I dunno if Vash would have been able to stay calm. He's doing his best right now, even if he's checked out.

Yeah, they better animate this in Stampede. They've already set it up to hit like a runaway train.

Gods, I wish it wasn't a billion degrees. I could really go for some tea right now. Hot tea. Coping tea.

Uhh, what happened to Vash's hair?? "But when" is right!

Ah, he took out his grief on the ark. Well, that explains why that big-ass ship is somehow missing.

WTH is so fucking funny, Knives?? Your brother is dying.

Ah, brief return of I-Hate-My-Life Livio hair. Man, this guy talks with his hair. I love it. He really does feel bad about all this now. This isn't what he wanted. Like Wolfwood at the beginning of the story, he just didn't know he could have it any other way.

Vash is right. Eat.

Heh. Vash's little smile as Livio starts eating. Livio's not Wolfwood, but he's someone Wolfwood cared deeply about, and it seems like some part of Vash is willing to accept that, despite everything, a friend of Wolfwood's is a friend of his, especially when said friend is so eager to take up Wolfwood's mantle.

Side note: it amuses me that Livio's left his shredded sleeves on. Like, my boi, your whole shirt is missing. You can probably take those off, too.

This panel. It feels like it snuck in from a completely different manga.

Heh. Vash remembering eating with Wolfwood like this.

Oh, my boi Livio. Sobbing through his food. I imagine Vash is already all cried out for now.

They're just gonna eat their sorrows away. Silverware optional. This is a hand salad now.

LOL, yeah... I had a feeling they were gonna overeat.

Hells, I don't think Livio could forget Wolfwood if he wanted to. But I get the gesture. Vash is reminding Livio that Wolfwood died to save him. And Livio's picking up what he's putting down.

Mm, Razlo is the one used to carrying Punishers, and even he didn't cart around his own. BTW, what happened to those guys?

It's definitely a fitting tombstone.

Props to all y'all who read this the first time in book form and had to turn that last page to see a full frontal of Wolfwood's blow-up doll on the couch at the end. I'm sure that's what y'all wanted to see when you were still up to your eyes in The Feels.

Archive

Trigun Vol. 1: Covers + 1-3, 4, 5-6, 7-8, 9-10 || Vol. 2: Covers + Extras, 1, 2-4, 5-6, 7-8

TriMax Vol. 1: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 2: Covers + 1, 2-4, 5, 6-7 || Vol. 3: Covers + 1-3, 4-5, 6-7 || Vol. 4: Covers + 1-2, 3-5, 6-7 || Vol. 5: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 6: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 7: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 8: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5 + Bonus || Vol. 9: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 10: Covers + 1-3, 4-5

Extra Credit: Trigun Vol. 1: Nebraska vs. Vash's Motivations, Vash's Loneliness, Vash's Depression (pt 2 of post), Soupy Brains || Vol. 2: Coin Factoids || TriMax Vol. 1: Lina, Vash, and a Haircut || Meryl, Vash, and the Pursuit of Happiness || Vol. 5: Knives, Vash, and Hatred for Humanity || Vol. 6: Coping Series: Wolfwood, Meryl, Vash || Vol. 8: The Uncoordinated Counterattack || Vol. 9: Justice, Punishment, and Mercy, The Tolling of an Iron Bell

[hungerpunch]

i see even comedy that doesn't typically "punch down" has circled back around to using crackhead/crackwhore as a joke. i'm so exhausted by you all. you are so cruel, so casually callous, it's worrisome. you don't realize how easily that could be you. you think you're so superior, so pure, so intelligent as if addiction cares about how smart you are or what you do in life. as if this entire country (usamerica) is not machinated in a way to get people hooked on painkillers. as if the docuseries industry isn't busting with expositions that reveal the wide-ranging sprawl of addiction here and exactly how manipulated we have been. as if loads of people in "white collar" jobs aren't addicts. as if loads of stay at home parents aren't addicts. as if addicts can't have pearly smiles and collect a paycheck. as if there's any real merit between the person who got into a party drug as an impressionable kid then couldn't stop and the lawyer who started doing coke to stay awake for 80-hour workweeks then couldn't stop and the unsuspecting patient who was prescribed opioids by a doctor then couldn't stop. there's not. no one is better than anyone else. addiction is leveling. equalizing.

and the worst part is you are one, too, you up there on your high horse. you're addicted to something. something in this world has its claws in you, its grip on you, that you want to stop but can't, that you could not stop without support. so shut up. shut the fuck up. the people you call crackwhores, meth heads, junkies, etc. they are real fucking people. we are real fucking people just like you. we are real people who deserve your fucking respect and compassion. we are just people who are trying to exist within a system that is trying to eat us alive, just like the rest of you. it's not cute. it's not fucking cute. it's not cool. stop fucking laughing.

[here-comes-the-bard]

thank you molly i have been thinking about yaevinn and prey animal rage since 6 am in between the owie of the day. he is not a hunter but by god he fights like he is being hunted and that might actually be scarier.

come to think of it, yaevinn started expressing his anger more at around the same time as he started actually making an effort to keep himself alive in combat... the moment he started to realize that his life is worth something and that it's at risk of being snuffed out, the moment he realized how many times he's been cornered, how he's STILL cornered, he got angrier and became less and less likely to take shit. even when it was perceived; even from his partner (these two things happened together at the same time, yaevinn was already upset and nithral was just making sure he didn't. fuckin waltz off to his death).

[vodid]

ok i keep seeing awfully targeted vagueposts about me pertaining to my silly idw-exclusionary prowlsweep campaign — which i didn't expect to have gained so much traction and negative reactions — so, while yes, i understand lighthearted jokes may still hit home a little too closely, i'm not responsible for your feelings /neu. but i get it. we're protective of our blorbos and i have a hard time with the jokes too. especially about prowl and especially especially about idw prowl, believe it or not. i do get upset over them, which i suppose was why i ran my campaign like that. many of the polls (from what i could see, i probably missed a lot) were just "my blorbo is so sweet he deserves to win" but swervesweep was solidly "do not vote for prowl he is a shit man" you can't tell me there wasn't some sort of bias because of idw prowl. there's a difference between lifting up a contender and slandering another so horribly. voting because you hate, not because you love.

so yeah, just like some had gotten upset over my campaign (even if it was a joke), i got upset upon seeing all the negative tags (even if they were jokes). i admit to getting defensive and decided to run a funny campaign focused on g1 and tfa, because there was more love for them and i wanted to try to make something a little silly but positive out of it. like "hey, ignore idw for just a second because i promise there are husband-material prowls." i do admit i may have let my saltiness show through that campaign too much, so this is a bit hypocritical of me and i fully acknowledge that.

i got more to say tho shdfdsfs this got long and messy, sorry. i'll put it under a cut. i don't usually talk this in depth about my opinion of idw prowl (or just. any opinion.) ironically for this exact reason but,,

i so desperately want to like idw prowl. i really do. and in some way, i do like him (surprising, i know). but i can't look past the way the writers and the fandom treat him. that's what i truly hate. he gets insanely (and imo undeserved) bad rep and i was just sick and tired of seeing all the unreasonable hate for him from cherrypickers. so if idw prowl is going to severely /neg affect people's opinions of prowl as a whole, then i'd prefer he didn't exist. that's my harsh and albeit a bit childish truth but i'm not sorry for it.

i dislike his portrayal for a number of reasons in that it's just not him to me. i can certainly acknowledge a character doesn't have to be consistently the same every time, and that idw was meant to be an expansion of these characters and what they can be. but it doesn't mean i like the direction they took with him. what they did to him/had him do. it was like they took his core being, what made his character solidly his, threw it at the mirror to reverse it and wondered why it shattered.

if it weren't prowl, i wouldn't have as much of a problem with his character in idw. but unfortunately, he is. in concept, he is a very interesting character with a beautifully tragic story and maybe i would've liked his skrunkly ass /affectionate. but he's just not my rodrick.

also i can't get past the ableism of his portrayal 🫶 that's not a page in my book i'd like to add besties. and not a page i'm getting into in this post.

it goes so much deeper than "wahh big titty cop man is so mean" like cmoooon. i'm not a coward for asking people to look past his wrongdoings in idw they unequivocally hate him for when literally everybody else in idw has in some way done equally bad or worse things ...but are still unconditionally loved? nah. if they can stop their bias for one (1) second, maybe they could see more. thus, idw-exclusionary campaign. in an attempt to get people to stop seeing every prowl as bad. because like i said, idw taints the fuck out of non-idw prowls. how is that any fair? (and how are we prowl lovers supposed to feel seeing all that?)

these are entirely my opinions. i'm entitled to mine just as you are yours, and i am entitled to spin the campaign in any way i want. idw-exclusionary, pro-jazzprowl, boob-loving 💖, what have you. if you didn't like it, then you were more than welcome to start your own campaign alongside me! you didn't have to leave it to me. should i have maybe tried to convince people why idw prowl's wrongdoings don't make him deserving of such hatred? sure, that'd been nice. but i'm not well enough equipped for that. you can do that tho, i'd love to see it

i can't stop you from vagueposting and i won't tell you your opinions are invalid. but if you get to share your thoughts, i'd like to as well. we can both be critical of these topics in our own way and it'd be nice to come to an understanding instead of having to resort to blocking and vagueposting. (me? the coward? /j) you have every right to do that though, especially if its for your own comfort, and i really can't stop you. but it'd be real nice if we didn't outright attack the person and call them names. this problem is bigger than me. i just happened to speak on it.

all in all, it's not that serious of a situation — or rather, i wish it wasn't and i'm upset that i'm even writing this. i shouldn't have to write this, but you guys cannot for the life of yourselves understand the basic reason behind the campaign. or do you just refuse to? did you think to ask why?

we're both protective of prowl. idw or not. we were on the same team and it's not an awful thing to want to encourage people to consider other prowls before idw. i want them to see he can be good! i want them to see what i see in him. he's just a little blorbo man and it's funny in a bit of a sad way that i'm getting so heated over a fictional character and a silly poll.

sorry to poll ops. i didn't want it to spiral like that. i truly did have a lot of fun running my little campaign, even if it looked a bit (lightheartedly) aggressive. i just wanted my blorbo to win fandom favor for once 💔 jazz vs prowl would have been absolutely hilarious too. even as a non-j/p shipper, i hope you'll agree it'd have been funny to see us losing our minds over having to choose but that's besides the point!

in the end (it didn't even matter) we're all robot lovers. and it's sad we tend to have such a difficult time getting along. i'm here to make art and it's all supposed to be fun and games.

sorry to my many new followers too, this isn't the best first impression. i try to keep this stuff off my blog. i hope u like my art and thanks for sticking around — yes, even u swervesweepers (you absolute TRAITORS /lh /lh 💕)

take care of yourselves

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

I'm working on a project on my computer and vaping, this is the closest I've been to my normal pain level in days. I know it won't last, especially not when I'm trying to sleep later.

Trying to ignore the guilt of disappearing from work for three days, when the last time I did that it was my mental breakdown two years ago.

[count-doodoo]

idk if this is a hot take or not but i would literally rather everyone just throw all their insults and criticisms of me at my face. like i'd rather just know. a) so i can fix the problems and b) because the not knowing drives me bonkers (what if everyone hates me, a social anxiety story. but seriously what if everyone hates me tho--). getting notes like "sorry to bother you but this thing you've been doing has been really annoying for awhile" is legit The Worst because we could've fixed that!!! i would've tried to do better if i'd known!!! i don't ever claim to be a good person, let alone a perfect person, but i do /try/ to be better!!! (but then again no one would be /wrong/ to assume that me attempting things scarcely results in success so like)

[sage-nebula]

If you don't leave your house unless forced because you feel so guilty about leaving your dog home alone that it regularly makes you break down crying can you really say you have a guilt complex

[warningstandbygo]

The great thing about being an Adult is that if you randomly get Extremely Overwhelmed by Existence, no one can stop you from going into your closet in your bedroom with your laptop, changing into a onesie, and sitting in the dark quiet enclosed space all by yourself (even though you're the only one here because your spouse isn't home from work yet).

[thedreadvampy]

idk I had a very interesting therap today but I just

like it's all very well to recognise that I gotta have a fucking open-ended breakdown and jump face first into the Sadness Bog sometimes instead of sitting on all my feelings

but like

I still have to go to work, you know? it's like. ok yeah have a breakdown which like until you jump into it you don't know if it's going to last an hour or a year. yeah go ahead that's all grand. you do have to get up in the morning and go to work though. you're not allowed to not do that. or to not pay the rent or not shower or not eat.

like all my friends and loved ones are constantly like 'you know you're allowed to be sad right' and it's like. AM I??? because I STILL HAVE TO PAY RENT.

[very-uncorrect]

I'm gonna die one day oh my god holy shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck there's no afterlife oh holy shit fuck help oh my god no no no no no

[letbuckfuck]

.

[galactichelium]

I will not do the exercises given to me by my physio, whether that be because I forgot or I'm having executive dysfunction, and then be like "Man why am I in so much pain?"