#AUGH. Hate how I need to do exercises just so I can be in less pain + maybe reach an average level of strength

[insanetwocubes]

I need to rant about a few things because I don't have any other outlet.

But if I start ranting I might become angry.

I'm just frustrated. I haven't been able to do anything on my to do list for days including my daily goal.

The manager at work. Ooooh the manager at work.

Okay. Lyke. She keeps doing this THING where she says things like "you know you're not doing this right" and I'm lyke ???? Bitch HOW THE FUCK do you know what I do and do not know? I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that we were the same person. What, can we mindspeak, too?? Are you fucking psychic? Of course you're not because if you were! You would know!! THAT I'M NEVER CHOOSING TO NOT DO MY BEST AT THIS JOB!

WHERE THE HELL DOES SHE GET OFF basically accusing me of being lazy and not doing my best?! And it's always "do this faster" "do that faster" "but also do it correctly." I'm sorry! I'm slow at doing things! I like to take my time. I don't like being rushed! Hey, that's why I hated school! It was always rush rush rush and no time for yourself.

And I don't! Have any time for myself! I work so hard I keep falling straight asleep as soon as I get back! And it's so annoying because I haven't done any of the things I need to do and oh apparently, I need to go buy new work shoes because these aren't good enough I guess. But it's okay because "it's only 20 dollars." I can't afford health insurance. I don't have a 6 month emergency fund. I can't even afford a data plan. Or have enough money to put into savings. "Only" 20 dollars is not ONLY 20 dollars. And I need those shoes yesterday I guess. Just let me slip and hit my head and die already, why do they fucking care.

Aand! So food topic. I'm getting skinnier. Apparently. As multiple people have mentioned. I looked in the mirror though and I have no fucking how they notice any change but whatever. Which would be fine if I was exercising but I'm not! I'm still so anxious about spending money, even on food. I guess I'm not eating enough, meaning less than once a day. That's why I was looking up healthy diet stuff. Lmao I feel like a rabbit because I'm filling my diet with so much fruit and vegetables. So that stressed me out because, I don't know if I mentioned this in so many words but, it's against system rules to weight watch and count calories. A long time ago I realized that I have a really bad habit of punishing myself/my body when I'm upset. And I know it's very common for people who suffer from eating disorders to beat themselves up through starvation and other means. And with me already having a dibilitating complex about what people think of me, I know messing with weight and food will just make everything worse. So I don't mess with it. But I do still forget to eat apparently. Which is great. Sarcasm. I hate it. It's so annoying. I can't tell when I'm hungry and I don't often get a feeling of being full. And lyke the last goal involved lots of programming, which is one of the things that make me forget to eat in general. Programming and video games.

And okay so the other manager. Idk where he got this bullshit from, I'm just being a decent person. But apparently he thinks I'm kind. I think I mentioned this. And he's lyke. So he wants me to put my hair in a bun. And it's really annoying because now I have to add 10 minutes of messing with my hair before I'm ready for work. And he keeps saying that it looks proffessional, and whatever, but Four and I both agree that buns are too much hassle and not worth the look. So whatever. But it makes me feel like I'm changing my looks for him.

Oh don't get me started on his manipulative ass. He keeps using these psychological tricks and it was fine when it was no harm no foul. But then he guilt tripped me when I asked for a break. And y'know this other manager keeps fucking confusing me. I thought I had to take a break (because she keeps lyke over stepping her bounds and being all in my business.) under labor laws or something. But apparently I don't??? But she made it seem like I do. And now I got used to these long breaks and it's impeding my work because I'm not finishing my closing duties. And hey btw. I hate closing. According her, the manager, apparently I'm not mopping right and not mopping fast enough even though I'm doing it the way she told me to in the first place!!! Lyke I genuinely don't know what she wants but "you know you're not doing it right" I!!!!!!! DON'T!!!!! I genuinely don't get how she wants me to do it! But "oh it doesn't take that long." What!!! Ever!!!! I fucking hate that phrase because yess!! Apparently! It does take that long.

And lyke I mentioned I'm having trouble finishing all the cleaning duties but okay. Listen. It doesn't matter how early I start (if I even could) because I can't clean the bathrooms, mop, or take out the trash before closing if I'm the only one in the front (because I need to do the other part of my job, serving the customers). And the utensils don't get washed until about 10 mins before we need to leave and it takes 20 minutes to fold a LIGHT load of utensils, not to mention an average one. I'm convinced that it's mathematically impossible for me to finish everything in an hour. And she just keeps piling more shit for me to do!

Okay and now the customers. Usually they're not bad, but there is one customer that pissed me off yesterday. He was lyke "I get the same thing every time" lyke dude! I'm sorry I can't fucking remember your order when I've only seen you lyke once before. Lyke he acted so entitled. I remember plenty of regulars' orders. So the fact that I don't automatically know his means I haven't seen him enough to remember it!!! Augh!

Aand! There was this other customer. He's trying to be nice and all but he completely overstepped his bounds, I think. Told me I should get into vocational work like programming. Bitch! I'm already trying!!! It's not exactly going well. Thanks for the useless, invasive advice that I didn't ask for.

Y'know Four is usually the one to get annoyed over people lumping her in with humans, but lyke so many people have projected themselves on me and they don't know anything! They just don't know me! They think we're the same but we're not! I'm not some extension of you, stop thinking you know me before I openned up to you at all!

Gah! It just like Wrong and Loveless. They think they know what's best for me when they don't and they just refuse to give me an out out of their assumptions. Advisors, too. All adults. Why is everyone projecting themselves on me! I make a point to claim I'm not even be human!!! Okay I never actually tell people that, but they are lumping me as a normal at least. Augh, whatever. I'm too.....not like them for this.

And I hate how the shift manager acts, she's too controling. Lyke every little thing I do that she's not expecting is "not the right way" to do things. Well, she liked one thing I did, change up how I mention the survey. But see! Just like Loveless, if I don't completely impress them, then I'm doing it all wrong. The way she lyke is and does things made me think she didn't want me to work because I forgot my nametag one time. And then when I tried to explain why I thought she didn't want me to work she cut me off and said she never told me to not work. And I get that miscommunications happen but lyke I never even got to explain my logic! Aughhh!!!!

And that stupid quiz! I hate that dumb. Fucking quiz! Just fucking! Stop reminding me of school! I hate school! I'm never going back to school! Stop making this feel like school!

I used to have fun at that job, man.

Maybe now that the rant is over I can find the good parts again and have a good day. If you listened, thanks.

~Flare