#now I just gotta work on my stupid mental health

[aswefindourwayback]

I love you, I’m sorry

Authors note: this is my most vulnerable piece of writing that I’ve ever shared since it’s taken inspiration from some terrible moments in my life. So it’s not my best piece of writing. Feedback is always appreciated.

Word count: 2071

Content warning: mentions of poor mental health, angst

you’ve never been able to keep people in your life, no matter how hard you tried. you would always change parts of you to fit other people’s wants and needs but it was still never enough. it got so bad that you were having thoughts about ending it all, thinking it’d be easier for everyone around you. they wouldn’t have to deal with your bullshit anymore and they could finally breathe again. but you instead threw yourself into your work.

you were already good at your job, but you quickly became the best. your work became your life. you stopped seeing and talking to your friends because you got so caught up in your work.

after years of working your ass off, you found yourself as a profiler for the FBI. you were now a member of the BAU. it took some getting used to and learning how to socialize but you got the hang of it. you guys were cracking case after case. you got along with all your coworkers and you guys often had fun together. you really loved all the laughs and good times you had with them, even outside of office hours. like that one time Emily, jj, and Penelope invited you out to go shopping and get dinner. it was something you were terrified of doing, getting closer to people and getting out amid socializing again, but you did it and found that it wasn’t as bad as you’d made it out to be in your head.

but there was one who you really got along with. spence. when you guys first met, you were both a bit shy and timid. but with time, you two grew incredibly close, always going to each other for anything and everything. and over time you fell for him, without meaning to. you knew it would complicate not only work but your friendship with him. your friendship with him means the world to him and you don’t know what you’d do if you lost him, so you kept your feelings to yourself. until one day, you didn’t.

it had been a normal day when rossi had called you into his office to talk about some case details. after going over the details and correcting him a few times, he asked you something:

“so, when are you gonna tell him?”

“what? tell who what?” you asked, completely lost in the conversation.

“reid. when are you gonna tell him how you feel?”

“spencer? what do i feel for him?” you said trying to play stupid. but it was rossi, he could see straight through you.

“Dont play dumb, kid.”

You slouched your shoulders in defeat, “no, i’m not gonna tell him.”

“Why not?”

“there’s a millions reasons to stay quiet”

“but there’s a million reasons to tell him too. don’t be afraid y/n.”

“easy for you to say. you’re not the one confessing your feelings”

“but i’ve done it a million times, kid. trust me. what if something good comes from this?”

“what if i ruin the one good thing in my life?”

“you won’t”

“how do you know that?”

“i just do.”

“what if it’s not the right time? like we’ve got that new case coming up and spence has been through some awful shit recently.”

“there’s never a “right time”. you just gotta do it.”

“i never intended to fall for him.”

“feelings are something we can’t control.”

“fuck. i’m gonna do it.” you say walking out of rossi’s office. the last thing you hear is rossi calling out to you “good luck, kid! not that you need the luck.”

-=+=-

you waited until the work day was over cause you didn’t want to make it very awkward in case you were rejected, which would very likely happen according to your calculations (you tend to distort your brain and imagine that the worst will happen for any situation). the odds of you being rejected were quite high so, you were just taking safety precautions. and if he still ended up rejecting you, you had it all planned. you would transfer to another branch. it’s not the best plan but you never claimed to be the brightest.

most of the team had already left for the day, so it was just you and spence standing waiting for the elevator, just talking about the paperwork you guys had worked on today. the elevator dinged, indicating it had arrived and the doors opened.

as you two stepped in, you took in a deep breathe and faced spencer.

“hey” you’d said.

“hey” he said, smiling shyly.

“so i’m gonna tell you something and i need you to let me finish before you say anything.”

“alright, i’m listening.”

“spence, i really like you, i mean really like you, so go ahead and reject me. i'm a big girl, i can take it. also you don’t have to say anything now.” you said at lightning speed, squeezing your eyes shut, afraid to look at him.

“y/n?” he asked as you felt his finger lightly lift your chin up.

“open your eyes, y/n”

you did as he said.

“i have something to tell you too.” he admitted, dropping his hand from your chin and shoving them into his pockets. your eyebrows were scrunched up a bit, hopeful of what his response would be, “i’ve never felt a connection with anyone before like this. I know that’s not surprising considering my awkwardness around people and my need to always correct people when they’re wrong and the fact that I shove myself into my job so much but i’ve dreamt of kissing you and feeling like i was on cloud 9. i started to notice when morgan kept calling me out for always watching you. and then i kept having dreams about you. not like any weird or sexual dreams or anything. just dreams where we hung out. just being near you. but i definitely want to see how this goes.”

“oh thank fuck” you said letting out an exasperated breathe.

that had made you both laugh. you felt like so much weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

“so” spence has started, exaggerating the length of the word.

“so”

“do you wanna like, hang out now? we could go get a drink or something. or if you want to wait and stuff then we can do that.” he’d said, almost stumbling over his words.

“id love to get a drink, spence.” you smiled at him.

and he smiled back.

at the bar, you two mostly forgot about your drinks and basket of fries as you were so caught up in each others company. you spent the night talking and laughing. you laugh so much, you were sure you were going to have abs in the morning. you’d never felt so happy. he made you forget about all your worries. he was unbelievably amazing that it was hard for you to believe that he existed and that he liked you back.

you two stayed until the bar almost closed for the night. he walked you home and you two kept talking on the walk. once you two had reached your door, you stood in front of him, not wanting the night to end.

“thanks for the drinks. i had a great time.” you said to him

“thanks for joining me. i had a great time too. um, do you think we could keep this on the down low for now? i don’t want everyone breathing down our necks at work and stuff. and i just wanna enjoy us for a bit.”

“yeah, of course. i’ll see you at work tomorrow. goodnight, spence.” you said as you walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek, making both your cheeks turn bright red.

“goodnight, y/n”

-=+=-

the past few months have been amazing. you and spence have been doing amazing as a team, not just at work. so many nights were spent together, either in complete silence or going on stupid late night adventures aka going down to the gas station across the street from your apartment to get snacks. you were so grateful for him and you were head over heels for him. you never thought you could feel this way for someone. you guys had of course had some ups and downs, mostly due to you and your mental health but you always got through it together, and for that you were forever grateful. he was different to anyone you’d ever met. he actually wanted to learn about the things you struggle with and wanted to learn what were ways he could help you. and after a really bad episode, you helped you breathe and told you he’d stay with you no matter what battles you two would have to face, cause he knew in the end, you two would end up the winners. it was insane to think someone so amazing would be able to love the mess you are, but he somehow does.

until he started to distance himself. it started after a specific incident when you had said something that came off wrong when he’d already had a bad day. after that, you could see it in the way he would interact with you. his speech and body language had changed towards you. his messages became a lot drier, even if you were verbally talking, he’d seem so disinterested, it was disheartening. you wanted to fix things but you didn’t know how. so you decided to arrange a nice little date night for the both of you, so you could show him how much you loved him and to talk things out. you even wrote down a little letter to tell him how grateful you are for him.

when you entered the office to tell him about the plan, he was on the phone so you waited behind him, waiting for the call to end. you didn’t mean to but you eavesdropped a bit, he seemed like his old happy self when he was on the phone, and you overheard a name, “maeve”.

you decided to walk away cause the call seemed to be taking a while. you walked towards morgan’s desk, where he was sitting and talking to pen.

“hey, what’s going on with you?” morgan had asked as soon as you walked up.

“nothing much, just waiting for spence to finish his call so i can talk to him about something.”

“oh yeah, he’s been on his phone a lot lately.” morgan had said.

“really? do you know why?”

“there’s this girl named maeve that he’s been talking about nonstop. he seems really infatuated with her, it’s nice to see him this way.” pen had said.

it was at that moment that all those bad feelings came back. your heart felt as if it was being grabbed out of your chest, just to be bitten into and shredded to pieces.

“i gotta go.” was all you said before you walked away from morgan’s desk.

you walked over to your desk and grabbed your stuff before walking to rossi’s office door and telling him you were leaving early.

“you alright, kid?”

“yeah, i just forgot something.” you said as you spread the fakest smile on your face.

you walked out the office and looked back at spence, hoping he’d walk after you to check on you. but he was so caught up in his phone call that he didn’t notice you leave.

you walked out to your car trying to keep the tears at bay. you ripped up the letter you’d written for him.

was it all a lie?

did he really mean those things he said to you?

was he playing you the whole time?

or did he just change his mind?

you messed up again.

you made mistake after mistake and he finally got tired of you.

he was the best but you were the worst.

you’re wrong again, about being lovable, cause you’re not.

it’s the way life goes.

it’ll never end.

you felt like pink cherry blossom petals that were left on the ground. loved and cherished when in the trees, awed at when falling, then left discarded and forgotten on the ground once you were no longer attached to the thing that gave you life. always being stomped over and discarded. never to be seen or loved again. the way it’s always been and the way it’ll always be.

[nogenderbee]

Im so happy your requests are open‼️ anyways can i req a reader thats like an idiot? The type of person to say "duck and chickens are the same because theyre both birds" or something even dumber will they tolerate readers dumbassery? Or do they just give up? I also want the characters to be mafuyu, akito, an,tsukasa djdndj$-$+$+$ take your time💗

-🐣

Of course! I swear I took so much inspiration from just looking up dumb quotes so... hopefully it matches your expectations!

♡˗ˏ✎*ೃ˚ 𝔻𝕦𝕞𝕓 ₊˚ˑ༄

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ An, Akito, Tsukasa, Mafuyu with idiotic!reader

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ fluff

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ @bleachtheidiot @prsk-krow @yulikesminori @qxmmi @toyaswif3y @miya-akane @alicewinterway18 @modyuki @hearts4gf

You were sitting in An's cafe after it closed. Her dad had to go there so she was the one who had to do the cleaning. But of course, she didn't wanted to do it so instead of that, she decided it'll be great idea to just bake something for you both!

You were just eating your favorite cake with her and accidentally bit your tongue.

"Oh gosh, Y/N are you alright!?"

"Have you ever wondered why you can't taste your tongue?"

That left her speechless... she was so worried about you that she didn't even realized the question at first.

"No, but... that's actually a good question!!"

My girl doesn't see the answer here... not at first at least! Give her some time to think and she'll actually explain it well! Maybe it's because she knows about all the food stuff thanks to working in cafe? Whatever it is, it definitely helped her right there!

"Oh I know! It's probably because taste buds are on your tongue, right!?"

"Ooooh, thanks An!"

You both stick together through your dumber thoughts. Usually she's the first one to come up with at least a bit smarter answers for them.

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You and Akito were bored to death as you just layed on your back in ones bedroom. You already played all games you could, talk about everyting you could, so he was distracted with his phone as you thought about everything and nothing at once. That's when you heard him get a bit more mean, most likely because of video he just saw.

"How the fuck do people do that!? C'mon it gotta be edited... it's so impossible after all..."

"Penguins can fly so you can do that too for sure."

"Penguins can't fly, stupid."

"They can if you give them a rocket!"

He just stared at you... he did not understand your way of thinking, so the only thing he could do was show how stupid he thought it was with his expression.

"What?"

"I'm just done with you."

He's really not, he loves you so much despite your question and statements that sometimes even get him worried about your mental health...

Also he definitely looked up "rockets for penguins" when you weren't looking-

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

You were helping Tsukasa with his school project. Basically he was supposed to do model of something son you naturally helped him.

You were just gluing some pieces together when a sudden thought appeared in your had...

"Hey Tsukasa... glue is made to stick to everything, right?"

"Yeah of course! That's like it's whole purpose."

"Then why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"

"It... wait... you're right! Why it doesn't!!?"

You two are combo of dumb and dumber but that's exactly why the two of you are just so adorable together!

You definitely gave up on that project for now and focused on discussing why it could be like that and omg weren't your assumptions delusional.

"Maybe bottle is just glueproof?"

"But how? Is it like magical or something?"

"It could be!"

You ended up looking the answer up on Google and both of you were disappointed that the answer was this simple whole the two of you discussed this topic for at least half an hour and even did sketch of how it could've been created!

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Mafuyu was resting at the cafe with you as both of you waited for your orders to come. But then closed and opened your eyes... first thing that came to her mind is that you might be tired so she immidietly asked you for the reason.

"Are you tired? Do you want simp of my coffee? Or you can take a nap... I'll wake you up once our orders come."

"No I just realized something..."

She held herself back from sighing, she knew very well where this is going but of course she doesn't want to be mean without giving you a chance first so she let's you finish your thought.

"And what could it be this time?"

"Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see."

"... Sometimes?"

She was confused... skipping the stupidity of that statement, what did you mean you don't see when your eyes are closed only SOMETIMES?! Should you go to doctor instead of aquarium date...?

As you nodded to confirm your words, she knew there was no way if explaining everything to you so she just gave up and decided to play nice. Especially since it's not first and definitely not your last stupid statement she hears today.

"That's... kinda right..."

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

[valeriefauxnom]

Mental Health Advice From A Family That Has (Almost) None For The Holiday Season

Some of these placements are obvious (well to me anyways), but as for the weirder ones I had to sort I'd figure I'd give them all a brief little snippet of my logic!

Euden: well he's always telling others this even if he's terrible about it himself, of course!

Valyx: he kinda seems like he threw himself into the military to find a place in canon already, so it's not all too far to say that he might be the kind to distract himself with work!

Nedrick: first it's kinda up his sarcastic alleyway to give nonsensical advice to whatever fool goes asking, but it's also the thing he probably needs to remind himself since with his lacking hunger+sleep meter!

Beren: C'mon. He's exactly the kind to take out his frustrations with dark rites.

Emile: Of the fam, he's the most inclined to this sort of rage-filled stupidity!

Zethia: Gotta be a nice little holy woman, and she's the one seen constantly getting up in trees to rescue the little birdies anyways in the comics!

Leonidas: He only has 2 kinds of expression and they are 'maniacal, prideful happiness' and 'scowling', so... yeah. Look at those creases in his forehead across all his alts. He Scowls. A lot.

Chelle: You can't tell me Chelle doesn't like to vent her displeasure with stupid court nobles in private. Lots of the family is snarky but she's the best fit!

Phares: look, between the 'I should have died so many times by now' and the 'maybe I should make my peace with dying in the near future' he goes through in his story, I put him here! Also I think that would be the kind of thing he would do if just. Totally overwhelmed, brain dead, needing to go disassociate somewhere!

...also I was running out of members of the family, ok?

[garciaasfluffypen]

bright beginnings pt. 10

pairing: single dad!joseph quinn x fem!reader  wc: 868  warnings: grace being sneaky but in a good way i promise

part nine • part eleven

a/n: hi sorry im so bad at uploading mental health went poopy stinky but im back

“grace elizabeth vandien!” joe gasped, practically hitting the phone out of grace’s hand. “you did not just friend request my employee!” 

“well she’s cute and clearly you need to get your head out of your ass, so if you don’t do it i will.” 

“you’re not playing cupid.”

“and you’re stupid if you think i’m going to listen to you.” 

“i cannot believe you’ve done this.” 

“well believe it, buckaroo. this is happening whether you like it or not.” 

joe had to stop himself from shoving grace off the couch, instead choosing to throw a pillow at her face before getting up to pace the room. there was no way this was going to turn out good. there absolutely wasn’t. but it wasn’t like he was nervous, right? granted, the last person he was with was julia. she didn’t really do much in terms of their relationship, seeing as it appeared to be purely transactional. and the fact that she left the kids with joe a majority of the time. he wasn’t going to lie, the honeymoon phase was nice, but it didn’t last much longer than six months before he started noticing a few things. then six turned into twelve, julia got pregnant and those twelve months turned into 23 with divorce papers in his hands. and now the twins were three, he was sex deprived and dear god, he just-- 

but he couldn’t, could he? he wasn’t going to lie, y/n was one of the only things on his mind lately. okay so maybe he had looked at her profile picture on facebook for too long. and memorized the freckles on her cheeks and how some of them almost looked like the little dipper if you squinted just enough. or how her cousin commented “so hot so pretty you need a boyfriend” on every profile picture and y/n would just reply with an eyeroll emoji and a “get me one then”. how she laughed so gracefully when the kids at the daycare did something funny. or cute. or both. how she took such great care of the twins and didn’t care at all that they attached themselves to her. 

yeah, maybe he needed a new relationship. he needed to stop thinking about y/n. he needed--

“joe, get out of your head.” grace lightly slapped his cheeks. “i promise i won’t say anything too out of pocket to her.” 

“grace!” 

“i’m joking! mostly. listen, you know your worth and you deserve to have it. julia can suck my ten inch clit, and if she pulls a fuss to her lawyer about you moving on you can literally bring up the fact she leaves you with the kids and breaks her custody agreement almost weekly to go fuck some guy on whatever costal island she flies to with daddies money. you. deserve. so. much. better. don’t stop yourself from pursuing this because of some silly little lady who can’t tell her left from her right.”

“i— she’s not directionally challenged.”

“that’s not my point.” grace rolled her eyes. “stop being such a worry wort and just get back out there! what’s wrong with going on one date with y/n?” 

“well for one, if it goes bad we might lose our best employee.” 

“i doubt she would quit if the date goes that roughly. and you gotta believe in yourself, dude. you had everyone in college swooning over you. it’s a surprise you’re not playing some heartthrob metal head somewhere on tv that everyone is going to fall in love with.”

“stop reminding me of my failed dreams.” joe dramatically flopped back on the couch. “i’d much rather be on tv than running a daycare.”

“but you’re doing a damn good job at it. honestly? i think it's your calling.” 

“huh?”

“working with kids. maybe you could like, develop a show about a couple in a daycare that falls in love and has like ten babies.” 

“y/n and i are not going to have ten babies.” 

“i never said that.” grace cheekily smiled as she typed away on her phone. “and besides, you never know what’ll happen.” 

“i have two, and they are more than enough right now, thank you very much.” 

grace rolled her eyes. “puh-lease, you want more kids and you know it.”

“i do know it, but i have two three year olds.” 

“and like, how many girls watching them constantly? joe. i’m going to be blunt and you’re going to take it. you need to get laid. and i’m going to help you get laid.” 

“i- grace…” 

“listen, i’m gonna find you someone. even if it’s on tinder, okay?” grace pushed herself off of the couch. “i’m gonna head out because i have an 8am, but i’ll send you updates. also send me your favorite pictures of yourself in case i end up making you a tinder.”

“i don’t want to be on tinder.”

“i’ll do bumble then.” grace paused in the doorframe.  “oh, before i forget, y/n and i are getting tea tomorrow, i’ll let you know how it goes!” 

and with that, grace shut the door and joe was left to once again scream into his pillow.

[inthemaelstrom]

The Problem of Intent

I think it might be time to publish this again, from my old Dowsing blog.

The Problem of Intent

I woke up this morning thinking about the word “intent,” as I have been off and on for some time. My ruminations finally solidified yesterday after watching an episode of Red Table Talk on Facebook (another reason I haven’t been back here in a while—Facebook, not Red Table Talk). It’s a good episode with Chelsea Handler talking with Jada Pinkett Smith and Adrienne Banfield-Jones about white privilege and parts of it are really painful to watch, mostly the bits from Handler’s documentary, in which she interviews white women, mostly poor and conservative, about whether they think white privilege exists (they don’t). Handler’s own previous dumbassery on the subject is also pretty painful, but she’s getting it right now, and that’s what matters most.

But there’s a point in the video where she tells a story on herself, illustrating her former dumbassery and the person who calls her out said, “It’s not about the intention, it’s about the reception.” A little further on, Handler acknowledges that white people don’t want to learn because it’s uncomfortable to learn not to be an asshole or a bigot to other people, “you gotta go head first into deep things and get in trouble and say stupid things to learn how to say smarter things.” All of which is true. Not just say smarter things, but know smarter things, I would add. The process of learning to be a good ally to people who don’t have your privilege is hard and embarrassing and upsetting. It’s heartbreaking and guilt-making to realize you’ve been walking through the world hurting people (if you’re not a Rethuglican who enjoys that kind of thing; but I digress).

And then Jada Pinkett Smith says that key thing that I’ve been thinking about for ages now: “I think we gotta make some room for people to say stupid stuff sometimes,” because racism has been going on for so long that most of it is unconscious now. People don’t realize they’re being racist unless it’s pointed out to them (and that’s where other white people need to get off their asses; it’s not Black people’s job to do that). She continues, “Not every—you know, not every action is racist.” So while it may feel racist to the object of the action, it may not to the actor and it may not have that intent behind it.

This is why intent matters—also. Not by itself, but in addition to reception. Because if we are doing our damnedest to be a good friend and generous person, to do the right thing, to not be racist, sexist, bigoted, insensitive, ableist, oblivious to the experiences of others, and we fuck up along the way as we inevitably will, a little compassion helps fuel the struggle for everyone. There’s a mental health element to this too, and Handler prefaces her part of the discussion with what seems at first like her irrelevant experiences in therapy to make this point. She spends a long time talking about her own struggles with pain and anger and how realizing that her anger was the result of the pain she was in was the thing that broke her open, finally, and got some real work done. When we’re operating primarily on a foundation of pain (and here I walked away to go make my bed, because, yanno, pain), then the world becomes our enemy. Everyone becomes our enemy. Everyone is out to hurt us, to insult us, to fuck with us, plotting against us to make us miserable, being mean to us. Everything everyone says or does to us that hurts us (and when we’re already in pain, this doesn’t generally take a lot) is intentional. Because people are bad and mean and hurtful and fuck all ya’ll anyway. I hate people.

And that’s clearly bullshit. It feels right when we’re hurting, and damn if there aren’t days when I get up in the morning and look at the news and thinkWhat the ever loving fuck is wrong with you people?about nearly everyone in the world after seeing all the hurt we do each other. But to think the whole world is your enemy, that every person you meet, every friend you make, will ultimately betray and hurt you creates a huge number of problems and solves nothing. First, believing we are somehow important enough for all the individuals in our lives (never mind the rest of the world) to spend their time machinating about how to hurt us is one of the best examples of narcissism I can think of, and utterly delusional. That’s like gaslighting yourself. It’s also an example of flawed perceptions and expectations. It’s our expectations of others, ultimately, that wound us: expecting perfection, expecting an intimate and automatic understanding of our POV, expecting unearned unconditional love, expecting all the attention. Love people as you find them, and if they, in their own pain and rage, hurt you, love them from a distance.

Worse than this, though, is that anticipating injury from other people assures that this is all we’ll ever get from them. Ever. Because everything they do will be an injury to us if we fail to see their intent and their focus. One of the last times my mom came to visit me here in New York, we were walking along the street and she said, in what was clearly a revelatory moment for her, “wow, people are really so focused on themselves that they don’t really pay attention to anyone else.” This was coming from a woman who agonized over what other people might think of her if she went out without looking perfectly dressed, perfectly coiffed, perfectly dignified, who was painfully self-conscious about how her disability made her look. I wish she had had more time to enjoy the liberation of that revelation. Because she was right about that. People are all dealing with their own pain, their own stuff, their own troubles, and hurting or judging you is not a high priority on their to-do list.

Unless they are so wrapped up in their own pain that they are going to lash out first, and there are some people who are that hurt, that broken. It’s good to remember that it’s still really not about you in those circumstance; if they are hurting and judging you, what they see in you that they hate is almost always what they hate or feel insecure about themselves. Those folks have a lot of work to do that you can’t do for them; all you can do is wish them well and get out of range. Because in their pain, they create more of it. This is what intentional, unexamined and institutional racism and sexism does to people. It creates a cycle of pain that needs work to be broken.

Again, this is why intent matters. If I’m hurting you out of maliciousness that’s one thing; I need a slap upside the head and a boot in the rear. If I’m hurting you out of my own pain, that’s more understandable but still not excusable; I’ve got some work to do on myself, then, and owe you an apology and an effort to do better. But if I’m hurting you by accident, because I’m learning to do better and still making mistakes, cut me a break please. Work with me. Call me out, by all means. I can’t learn if I don’t know I’ve screwed up. If it’s really egregious, don’t spare your anger. I can’t rightly ask you to do that and I probably deserve it. But don’t use my mistake to make judgments about what kind of person I am at the core, because then you’re doing the same thing that bigots do. If you think I’m the kind of person who would intentionally hurt others, then we already have a problem of perception and reception on your end. And that’s bad intent.

[miladydewintcr]

2024 Writing Round-Up

I was tagged by @heylavellan like a week ago (thank you!!!) and then um I wanted to wait until I finished my multi-chapter fic. And now it's Dec 31st. Oops. I'm not going to tag anyone because it's literally New Year's Eve, but if you see this and want to do it, absolutely do! Please tag me!! I'd love to come see what you've been up to!! (and add some more fics to my ever-growing to-read list 👀)

words posted: 73,431 (almost entirely Get Away With It (also what the fuck where did all that come from))

additional words written: 18,240

grand total of words: 91,671 (what. the. fuck.)

fandoms: Dragon Age!! I've worked on a few Mass Effect bits, but haven't posted any this year

highest kudos: Our Tragic Backstories with 40!! It's a little one-shot about my Warden Eleri finding Zevran post-Kinloch Hold and talking a little about his nightmare.

highest hit oneshot: Also Our Tragic Backstories!!

new things I tried: I don't know if it's new so much as re-learning, but this year I really let myself just write with my heart? I just wrote what I wanted to, rather than agonising as much over whether it needed more plot. It was really freeing <3 Reminded me why I fell in love with writing in the first place.

fic I spent the most time on: Get Away With It, without a doubt.

fic I spent the least time on: Most of the little ficlets on here probably? I bop most of them out in an evening.

favorite thing I wrote: It's this little fic (which is now also on Ao3) !! I spent one (1) evening writing this Cousland and her dumb, stupid crush on Nathaniel Howe and she decided to take up residence in my brain. She's a whole oc now. I love her.

Also, I do feel like I've gotta give my big one a shout-out!! I spent a lot of time working on GAWI, not just writing, but researching pregnancy and babies and everything so I could make sure Anders sounded at least somewhat competent. And it got me into Call The Midwife finally, which has been really fun!! (even if it has already made me cry twice). It's the longest thing I've written in years and I am so proud of myself for finishing it !!!!!

favorite thing(s) I read:

A Breath of Relief by @wildxtreasures - A collection of moments in DAO between Alistair and Avenia Cousland. I adore Avenia and her blossoming relationship with Alistair is written so beautifully!!

Heart-Shaped Puzzle by @ratfinking - A really cute, fluffy little Bellara/Rook one-shot!! Bellara is written so well, her speech patterns and mannerisms are absolutely spot-on!! (also it's just!!! really cute!!!!)

Merry Solstice (please don't call) by @lottiesnotebook and @adainesjacket - A modern justhanders AU that tackles addiction and mental health so thoughtfully and respectfully. (They also put little facts about holiday traditions in the notes which is really fun??? I feel like I'm learning, whilst also chanting kiss kiss kiss to the three leads sdfgh)

writing goals for 2025: I want to finally finish and start posting my big multi-chapter Shaynor fic!! Also I think I want to write something more explicit than whatever tf Coralie & Anders had going on in GAWI, and then find the courage to actually share it <3

new works: 6 on Ao3, + 8 ficlets on here that haven't quite found their way over

template under the cut!!

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grand total of words:

fandoms:

highest kudos:

highest hit oneshot:

new things I tried:

fic I spent the most time on:

fic I spent the least time on:

favorite thing I wrote:

favorite thing(s) I read:

writing goals for 2025:

new works:

[oh-no-boi]

mm lrb (last reblog? is that a thing haha) and just its not the same but the assumption that im not doing anything with my life/time bc im not dating and not going "out" is rly stupid

my coworker didnt mean anything by it but his shock abt me not dating anyone and alao that bc im a homebody, im not doing much..... like no i make games, i draw, i craft, i write, my 3 journals take up plenty of time too.. also i go to downtown toronto somwtimes for stationary stuff LOL im tired from working but i got plenty of shit im doing

like currebtly:

• finished domino club game jam thus resting

• i have likr 25 linoprints where i gotta print layer 2 (winter holiday cards bc snailmail is great)

• im back to sorting my dolls for ebay and after that, i am finally going to organize my 3 display cases

• as always, 2 out of 3 planner/journals, take up at least 2-3 hrs a week as i write the daily pages from my phone notes

• i would like to go to the park more, i wish i had energy to walk and draw again but i just go to the playground swings for my mental health occationally now 😔

• i am reading so many danmei novels like one after another.. balancing my time between reading and doing other things is a careful balance

• winter holiday gifts are on my mind.. one has been ordered but many more to figure out..

idk like theres comics to read too and games to play, and books to read, and so much art supplies i shud fucking use one of these days.. need to get back into watercolours lol.....

my life isnt worse or more boring due to me not dating or staying home/close to home....

i've literally gone to place in toronto where u can be nude and see ppl getting it on and put on the "not interested" bracelet and fell in love with not giving a fuck abt my own nudity levels and falling in love with the heated pool...... holy shit is it nice to just wear swimsuit bottoms and a swim shirt without a bikini top lmao the fucking best (i have been nude but i also am a weirdo who does like the feel of clothes and like i cant live without socks when not in bed, and underwear is a helper in controlling my bladder feelings, and then i just love an oversized tshirt ok it feels good but also im chill to be tits out)

idk theres just something great abt knowing that sure i might be squemish to ever try sex and sure im aroace something, and i dont think im gotta end up actually dating anyone but fingers crossed i guess? but also yeah i masturbate, i've been nude in nudist place, i've sent nudes before tho not sexy chat lol i draw porn, i have a lot of distressed anime girl porn on my phone what of it, im an adult and im happy* living my life and frankly i dont see how dating would even work for me when i want to be reading bl half my waking hours... i just need to hang out with friends more

oh also coworker was like "ur 23, right?" and im just oh buddy haha

*i mean mild? depression but we ignore it bc we are only truly depressed when thinking bad thoughts or like the future or anything, ok fine i still feel like its fake but we cant ignore that i did try antidepresants and also did get close to vague suicide thoughts but like im fine, i got planners and stickers and weekly bubble tea ok

[gracegrove]

Change

🙃 a little snip bc I had to find a new therapist

_____

"You have no goals, Billy," the therapist stated from behind his desk, "I cannot help you if you have no goals."

Crossing his arms, Billy leaned back into the stiff office chair. "I have goals... you just don't like them."

The therapist looked at him with shrewd eyes. "You have no short-term goals. Ones to improve your mental health..."

"Getting outta this shithole of a town will improve my mental health."

"That's a long-term goal."

"Whatever."

The therapist set his notepad aside. "Look, Billy, I genuinely want to help you, but until you're willing to put some work in there's nothing for us to do."

Billy scoffed, rising to his feet. "Some help you are." He quit the room with the door slamming behind him.

"Fuck 'em," Billy told himself as he drove out of the business lot.

This was stupid. He had goals. He knew exactly what he wanted and how to work for it. He wouldn't let some poindexter in a tweed suit tell him what he was or wasn't capable of.

Weeks passed and things remained the same. Work, drink, smoke, repeat. Billy's mood was foul. Over the past week, Max started avoiding him and Steve started driving by to pick her up.

Digging around in the refrigerator, a lit cigarette in his mouth Billy grumbled as he set to making his lunch for the next day. Bread, pickles, mustard... where's the bologna? Where's the goddamned bologna?

Not pulling his head from inside the fridge Billy asked aloud, "Where'd the meat go?"

Susan looked up from the table, "What?"

"The bologna," Billy stated, poking his head out the door, "where is it?"

"I used the last of it for yesterday's lunches."

Grinding his teeth, Billy chewed into his cigarette, the filter threads spreading across his tongue. "How'm I supposed to make a damn sandwich with no meat?"

Susan looked at him wordlessly.

"Chill out, it's just some cold cuts," Max piped in from the living room, "just buy a burger or something."

Billy slammed the fridge shut, "I shouldn't have to spend my money when you could eat less!"

Max got up from the couch heading toward the kitchen, "Girl's gotta eat..."

Billy met her in the small hall space and breathed smoke into her face. "You wanna eat so bad, go make your own money."

"You need help!" Max snapped.

Billy slammed his fist against the trailer wall startling Max, before he stalked off to his room.

Collapsing onto his bed, he ashed his desiccated cigarette on the dirty plate sitting on his nightstand.

"I fucking need something," he thought to himself.

Which is why he was now here, sitting in this waiting room. Staring blankly at the saltwater fish tank with three fish and a bubbling treasure chest.

"Billy?" A squat woman with large coke bottle glasses was in the doorway.

"Yeah, that's me."

"It's a pleasure to meet you. Come on in."

[dia-souls]

Yall are so talented and good at writting reaction. I know you all are going through bunch of controversy and all that stuff but I gotta admit one thing that you all got talent and honestly as a dl-fan that's what matter to me the most who cares if you did wrong or were misunderstood as dl-fans we all gotta chill and enjoy instead of taking things to hearts and getting angry at each other afterall we all create contents for each other and than fight amongst ourselves lol its so idiotic thing in my opinion but I don't create content so I might not understand I guess. Anyway back to the topic what other project are you working on cuz I just got free from exams and touched tumblr and there are no updates on any novel or cd drama (I repeat I am not complaining don't block me) I am just asking.

🦋 Admins talk:

Thank you very much, dear Anon, for your kind words, we appreciate you very much. To be honest we all were surprised by your words. You're so kind, thanks for your word of encouragement we all really appreciate the way you comforted us. We are happy to know you like our contents.

We didn't try to steal any content. Our main motive wasn't to steal any content. It's a misunderstanding we just didn't want to bother the admin with unnecessary notification because she left fandom and that's why we added slash but anyway things did get out of hand and we were misunderstood unfortunately in future we will avoid doing it because let's be honest if we knew this would happen we wouldn't have done it in the first place. But it's very good to speak with people before judging them. Because sometimes you don't know anything about them and your wrong judgment will break their hearts. We don't want to discuss this issue more we have already explained the reasons, apologized and all stuff......

Anyway we think you are concerned for us, as admin Afra recently had small issues regarding her health but she is back in town and is better now she will start posting soon once she is better. Admin Irsa is going through exam phase. Admin Ava is also busy too. All three admins have already plans to release some of their fics and Drama CDs as soon as they get free from their busy schedule. The thing is that we all are young and students so give us some time we all will update soon. Your asks will also be answered soon.

We must say that all the admins love this fandom and like to continue producing contents as long as they feel safe and happy. It was a new novel that will start on December 1st. But this will happen if the admins have good mental conditions. Admin Afra has bigger plans for new novels and games you can see here and a vey big project that called diabolik lovers series. She is not in a very good condition now. We will have to wait and see what happens in the future. If everything goes well, the new novel will be published soon.

Again thanks for your lovely message! People like you is what that keep us going in this fandom! One more thing none of the admins plan to leave the fandom and in near future too so don't worry we aren't that weak it's just admin Afra issue did surprise us. She is young so do go easy on her as she receives a lot of hate for stupid reasons and just for a misunderstanding. Please give her some time to regain her mental health back. So remember don't judge people when you are not aware of their situations. Before sending any hate message try to speak with them first and remember mabye you are judging them in a wrong way. We all are here to enjoy and all three admins love publishing contents so let us enjoy doing it and be nice that's it.

[bengiyo]

Bed Friend Ep 8 Stray Thoughts

Last time, things came to a terrible head with Krit, who tried to assault Uea in his office and then also tried to ingratiate himself with Uea's mom. Uea broke things off with King after he insinuated that Uea wanted Krit to be gross to him. Uea also told him mom off very loudly and publicly for protecting his abuser. Thankfully, Uea told Jade about what has been going on, and at this point Uea has resigned. He's now taking a trip to get away, but it's clear he's still thinking about King.

I don't know who this aunt is, but she's the first elder we've seen in this show that has any regard for Uea as a person, and is the only elder who has asked if they can touch Uea.

Oh, Uea. You can't text message breakup.

With how bad car violence is in Thailand, it's so alarming to see King trying to use his phone while driving stressed.

King finding out that Uea resigned because Krit finally pushed too far:

Did Net/King use a different accent when he asked for a room?

Honestly, Net and James are the most beautiful acting pairs I've ever seen.

I adore Jade. He's right to call King an idiot and chide him for all of these mixed signals.

I really love the way James embodies Uea. The way he clenches his jaw and steels himself for asking, "Do my feelings matter?" lands so clearly.

I feel like I recognize the actress playing Belle.

I'm glad Belle and King are united against their parents.

These boys talking about the intensity of their feelings. I'm gonna need Uncles Cheep and Dej to come talk to them about making it work long term.

Uea is so good about setting boundaries. It's sad because his are so constantly violated.

Net has a very affective pout.

I like seeing Uea smile in amusement again.

Holy shit that is an enormous statue.

I hope we have some Buddhist fans in the tag, because I'm curious about these rituals we're seeing in the montage.

Krit was really trying to assault an employee in a room with CCTV. This man is disgusting and stupid.

Cheewin did some nice stuff with the shots in the office lounge area.

Okay, I get why they have this confrontation with the CEO, but legitimately I hope this also went to the HR department and people were properly fired.

Did this company not have a sexual harassment policy before this incident?

I'm not a survivor, and would like to know how others feel about the company providing for Uea to seek mental health care.

I'm glad we don't have to hate Mongkol. It's good to show that Mongkol and Krit aren't on the same level, but both believed they could rely on nepotism to do whatever they want. They really just wanted him to contribute to the team.

Once again, James is so beautiful. This outdoor shot in the black and white outfit? GORGEOUS!

'"Because I'm beautiful." He's so right.

We're 43 minutes into the episode and Uea is wearing red again while King is doing everything he can to hold the horny in. Uea knows and is being a menace. I'm sure @respectthepetty is having a blast.

Oh, Uea is going to reveal his trauma to King. No more jokes.

I just really love the way these two talk to each other.

Between this and A Boss and a Babe, I'm glad to see characters taking pills for mental health reasons treated as a normal part of their health care.

Obsessed with the I'm a Weirdo shirt and how it looks like Uea's heart is bleeding, as King wears a black hoodie with a red rose over his heart.

This is uncomfortable, but it's true that Uea is likely not his only victim.

Oh lord, we gotta deal with yet another person hitting on Uea, Sorn's arrest, and King's parents striking back next week.

I'm excited for James and Net to get another show this year. I've deeply enjoyed their scene work together for the last two months.

[luv-lock]

nah fuck that person! I genuinely love ur opinions and the way u say things! I'm tired of people letting others get away with their stupid bullshit just because they're too scared of sounding rude or somehow offending others. if dumb people have the balls to share their dumb ideas that literally affect everyone else but them then they should be ballsy enough to take a punch.or in this case some harsh words

(pardon me for my language and bad English really love u and ur works tho)

Hey, thanks for the love—I genuinely appreciate it! And don’t worry about your language or English; you’re coming through loud and clear.

Look, I get it. I’m not sitting here glued to Reddit or Tumblr either—those places aren’t my whole damn existence. I’ve got a real life out here: a boyfriend I’m about to marry, a job, studying biology because I actually give a shit about my life, and yeah, I write fanfic for fun when I’ve got a spare minute. I’ve got my own mess too—mental health stuff I’m working on in therapy—but it doesn’t mean I’m gonna tiptoe around everyone else’s bullshit just to keep the peace. Some people out there? They’re just too scared to call a spade a spade, and I’m over it.

I see these timid, overly nice types sometimes, and sure, I feel a twinge of pity—they’re clearly struggling, especially upstairs. But then there’s the other crowd, the ones who choose to be fucking brain-dead NPCs, spouting their garbage ideas that screw everyone else while they sit pretty. And I’m supposed to what—nod along? Hell no. They’ve got the guts to spew that nonsense, they can damn well handle me throwing some harsh words back. I’m not out here hunting them down to ruin their day—live your life, babe—but I’m not gonna pretend I agree with their idiocy either. My space, my rules, my opinions. Don’t like it? Scroll on, I don’t give a shit. Just like how I don't give a shit what they gonna do with their life. Like buddy if you want to be a dog? Good for you just don't talk about it with me because first: I don't care, second: I'm not gonna play pretend and it's probably going to hurt your feelings.

These people act like everyone’s gotta think the same way, like the whole point of being human isn’t that we don’t. They’re out here pretending the world’s all sunshine and rainbows—probably because their personality begins and ends with a damn flag—but let’s get real. If WW3 kicks off, what the hell are they gonna do? These are the same clowns who’d sob over someone going maskless years after COVID, and now they’re gonna stare down a Russian bear of a man? What they gonna do? Make him talk about his feelings and tell him how his masculinity is toxic? Good luck with that. I’ll be over here, living my life, saying what I think, and not losing sleep over their fragile little feelings. Love ya too, and thanks for vibing with me!

[elizabethplaid]

what a pill - daily notes, nov 26, 2024

Short list, then blather under the cut:

Made cat calendar, yay

Lindt truffles

Rx refill trouble, but not an emergency yet

upcoming trauma-versary

TL;DR on mental health: Refilling prescriptions is a pain. Keeping an eye on things due to meds and trauma-versary. Trying to be patient with myself. I have support in place and will have meals prepped.

--- Dad approved the cat calendar, saying it's the "best one yet". I disagree, as some of the kitten pics were very good, as was last year's. Idk if I've posted all the past ones before, so I'll double-check my tags, reblog what I have, then post what I forgot.

--- Dad keeps buying huge quantities of Lindt's Lindor truffles each year. Like, he just bought 2 sets of pick-300, because they were on sale. Seems like we each got 250, then set aside the rest for gifts. I gave up another 50, because I felt like being generous.

So far, I've tried the maple and cheesecake flavors and enjoyed both. We got snickerdoodle and some odd white-choc again, and I picked out some other new-to-me flavors. I put my stash-box on top of the fridge, so it's more work for me to reach them. Dad's like, "Don't inhale them; they've gotta last the whole season." It took me a long time to eat last year's stash, and I gave a bunch to my library friends, even after their initial gifts.

--- In prescription news, I'm short on pills. I have been on the same meds for like 15+ years now, and I only last fucked with the dosage back in 2017. I just... Please let me keep a bunch at home, so I'm not running out. I left a message with my doc over the weekend, and I don't think they've called in the Rx yet. And I should've called it in a week earlier, but I misread my bottle, thinking I had another refill.

It's one of the meds that I take 2 dosages for, so I'm somewhat able to supplement. But like, this is stupid. And my insurance isn't letting me get 3-months per refill anymore. (They even put up a fuss for auto-refills on one med? But that seems to be reversed now.)

--Because I had a day where I missed one med (it's since been refilled) and I'm having issues with this other one, I'm keeping an eye on my mood and mental health. It's a trauma-versary this weekend, so I'm already on-edge. The trauma has been a factor in of this year's mental health journey, amid reconnecting mind and body.

The inner-tension I get when I think about it feels more fresh now, rather than feeling resigned or resolved in other recent-years. It's the body sensations, remembering the memory in my nerves. Like, the emotions and betrayal seem fairly resolved. I'm having to approach this in a way that's unfamiliar to me, just as scary as all the other body-sensation stuff from earlier this year.

Phone-friend has already offered support, and we have our usual call this weekend. My dad's thinking of visiting a friend in Boston, who is in the hospital, that day, too. And we'll have Thanksgiving leftovers, so I won't starve by myself, haha.

I can cope well by distracting myself, yes. This year's mild bravery and "ready to face the challenge" attitude is helping, too, making me want to try finding the words for things. My counselor had the best advice last week: You have to take care of yourself first before you can change bigger things. Whatever smalls bits of self-care that are possible will help the bigger things develop more easily. Oof, it's tough to not be so hard on myself, especially after this year's setbacks.

TL;DR on mental health: Refilling prescriptions is a pain. Keeping an eye on things due to meds and trauma-versary. Trying to be patient with myself. I have support in place and will have meals prepped.

[regulus-needs-swimminglessons]

Holy fucking shit the new Protocol episode (10) dropped and boy do I have some things to say

As always spoilers under the cut

*swirls around episode like one would wine in a fancy glass * yes yes do I taste hints of The Stranger perhaps? With a note of The Web. A very good year that's for sure

But oh well creepy ass mascots aside

MY HUSBAND IS BACK! I was really worried about the "mental health leave" thing, wouldn't have put it past Jonny and Alex to kill him of but nope my darling is fine and grumpy and scottish as ever, glad to see it ^^

Now I am very confused about Gwen, why does she want this job so badly? Like it doesn't seem all that great a job. It's just some random government department. There must be something more going on I just don't understand what

Then of course Alice and Sam going to the Institute ruins which is really fucking stupid in my humble opinion. But I do love their friendship so much. Now I might be wrong here but did Sam swear???? I'm like 98% sure I heard him say "suck it" at 21:39??? Love, are you allowed to do that???

Now I need to know more about Sam's background with the Institute, he said something about a program to Gerry in the other episode I thought he was lying to get information but it seems like he really did participate in it and saw something. Could it be related to The Eye? I know fears don't work the same in this other universe but come on it's the Institute there gotta be something Eye related

The whispers at the end, can someone tell my what they said? Because my hearing is kinda shit and I missed the whispers in Lost John's Cave in the Magnus Archives too until I saw a post about it on here. So some one gotta help me out pls ;-;

I'm so sad their going on hiatus. I completely understand why they do but I need moreeee. I binged all the TMA episodes in like 2 months I can't deal with all the waiting;-;

If any of you have any theories I'd love to hear them ^^

[paradoxical-catastrophe]

It’s probably just the Frontal Lobe developing combined with dissociation but… anything even 6 months ago just feels like… not me, though I can recognize it as me. But anything like… 2-3 years ago, I could easily be convinced that was not me.

Vent ig? More just complaining. TW mentions vague of sui. This is all just random jumping back and foward about shit on my mind

Even just comparing highschool to now…

I did so many clubs and extracurriculars in ms/hs, and wanted to do more. I did a military program, band, a team creativity program thing, martial arts… I even wanted to do stuff like chess club, math competitions, orchestra, etc.

I drew constantly, I did my homework, I attended everything, I generally felt productive.

And now like… the last time I drew was over a month ago. I had to drop most things due to lack of time and loss of motivation, I only do band now. And… I don’t practice my instrument. I constantly forget homework, I never study. I was a gifted kid, and I thought the burnout would plateau in college. But it’s only gotten worse. I haven’t made any friends here. I don’t know my roommates names or anything about them. I haven’t made a proper meal (aka actual cooking, not just box stuff) in weeks.

I want to indulge my hobbies more. And I know the biggest reason I couldn’t is because of Friend Issues™️, deteriorating mental health, and school. And like yeah I’m finally getting out of ‘need constant distraction or the Harmful Thoughts will come back, but now it’s just… I feel empty without it.

I miss the kid I was. She couldn’t have ever imagined life would be like what it is now…

She has no idea we’re trans, we’re disabled, we broke up with that one guy who actually turned out to have cheated on us, lost that one friend who meant everything to us, learned how actually disgusting this stupid state is to the point I’m scared and tempted to take down any visible pride things I have because of elections, not even the fact we’re a system.

But like we got cool ass dyed hair and piercings and tattoos that’s sick at least. I want more.

It’s hard to think about what my life would have been like if I hadn’t done this one thing. If I hadn’t spoken to this person, if I hadn’t watched this show, if I hadn’t gotten an account on this website…

Yet, I really don’t think there’s a universe where life is any better than this. There’s a lot of shit, but there’s some wonderful things too.

Yeah I was cheated on, injured my leg, traumatized, constantly sick as a kid, made absolutely terrible mistakes, but. Now I’m in an apartment studying something I love, I’m playing fantastic music and I’m a lovely musician, I’m making fashion choices that I like, I’m doing what I want with my body. I’ve even got a fantastic boyfriend and group of friends that I don’t feel like I have to pretend around. I never realized how much I was masking and pretending and hiding until I met these people.

Idk whether I’m happy or sad. Something something cancelled out I guess. Now that Friend Issues™️ is over after being stuck with them for over a year, things finally feel like they’re (somewhat) going up. Just gotta stay alive until then. And I think working on fixing my sleep schedule is helping. No more staying up till 5-6 am!! Need a Morgana to bitch at me to sleep smh

I should pick up a new hobby. I still kinda feel like I’m distracting myself with my interests instead of enjoying my hobbies. I’d like to do something artistic, but I don’t have the motivation to really draw.

Maybe I’ll have some motivation tomorrow between classes. I do wanna draw my new oc and give him a solid outfit instead of just ‘inspo’…

[weirdlypersonalrpmemes]

»        as dusk falls sentence starters           tw: alcohol, mental health.             feel free to change pronouns and/or phrasing to suit your muse!

❝ not so long ago, i wanted to be a journalist. ❞

❝ i tell ya, the only thing worse than feeding a dog fast food is smelling it again on the way out. ❞

❝ that’s a lot of stuff for just two men. ❞

❝ what do bank robbers eat for dessert? heist cream. you get it? ❞

❝ you lost the — no you didn't. ❞

❝ take a minute. get your shit together. ❞

❝ country kids. or the desert version. lucky we’re still in one piece. ❞

❝ this your work? you've done a good job fuckin' it up i see. ❞

❝ why weren't you keepin' an eye out, huh? ❞

❝ all right, big-man, you've got until seven to get this apartment ship-shape and ready to go. ❞

❝ learn how to drive, asshole! ❞

❝ don’t talk about him. this is all his dumb fault anyway. ❞

❝ jesus christ. i swear i never come so close to shittin' myself. ❞

❝ [NAME], no. we can't go from strangers to roommates. ❞

❝ you're trying to kidnap my WIFE, man. you think i'm gonna stand here and let that happen?. ❞

❝ so what’s next? license plate game? another round of row-row-row your boat? ❞

❝ i hope he didn’t see our license plate. ❞

❝ relax! it ain’t personal. ❞

❝ family? we’re just your fucking babysitters. ❞

❝ police, open up! ❞

❝ police, open up! or maybe... it's the big bad wolf. ❞

❝ jesus, [NAME], this isn't die hard. ❞

❝ you think you're bruce willis, huh? undercover, fighting off bad guys? ❞

❝ maybe you need a cold shower. ❞

❝ eyyy, let’s party. ❞

❝ shut the fuck up. ❞

❝ girls, booze, that fancy purple car of yours... i don't know, it doesn't sound like the worst. ❞

❝ gonna miss your sweet little smile, cupcake. one last drink? ❞

❝ you wanna hear my pitch? i say we rob the bank. ❞

❝ no offense... but i think you're just hot wind. ❞

❝ well you got a better plan? cause i don't. ❞

❝ these houses all look the same to me. ❞

❝ you're always out skulkin' in the woods, climbin' trees and all that. we all know you're good at it. ❞

❝ don't screw this up, kid. ❞

❝ i need you focused, or none of us are getting out of here. ❞

❝ no — no — STOP. YOU listen to ME. ❞

❝ you and i are goin' for a stroll. ❞

❝ she's tough. she'll make it. ❞

❝ it's not the walls. it's what happened within them. ❞

❝ you touch my things again, you won’t be happy. ❞

❝ he came back early, i don’t know what happened! ❞

❝ s'alright. i put my big boy pants on today. ❞

❝ get rid of the cop. you hear me? ❞

❝ you know what this means? shooting a hostage? ❞

❝ all i asked, was that you not do anything stupid. but stupid is all you do, isn’t it? ❞

❝ are you about to give me marriage advice? because if i recall, you walked out on yours. ❞

❝ take that stupid smirk off your face. you look like a fuckin' halfwit. ❞

❝ look, you got away. can you let me go now? ❞

❝ you’re coming with me. ❞

❝ you know you're going to jail after this, and when you finally die there, you're going straight to fuckin' hell. ❞

❝ newsflash — THIS is hell. and we've been here a lot longer than you have. ❞

❝ this is a toughie... ❞

❝ you know something? i don’t like you. ❞

❝ knew we shouldn’t have brung him. ❞

❝ you do that, i promise you’ll regret it. ❞

❝ wanna get high? ❞

❝ i'm scared, [NAME]. i don't want to be alone. ❞

❝ hey, my heart's practically thumping out of my chest. but at least it's still 

beating, right? ❞

❝ i'm sorry about what i did. i was selfish, and i hurt you... ❞

❝ easy now, let’s just — ❞

❝ wait. you need a hostage? take me. ❞

❝ sorry to lock you up like this. ❞

❝ ON THE GROUND! NOW! ❞

❝ i think it’s time to put this whole thing behind us. ❞

❝ you joke when you're hurt, you always have. but i can see through it. ❞

❝ don't speak. don't make a sound. ❞

❝ it'll be over when we win. ❞

❝ i shot him! we gotta run! ❞

❝ now, i can help ya, but you gotta relax those nerves first, all right? ❞

❝ we all have things that scare us — like the dark, and that's okay. i guess we just learn to live with it until maybe one day we won't be afraid anymore. ❞

❝ it was a mistake. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. ❞

❝ oh god, i was right? ❞

❝ was he good in bed? was it worth it? ❞

❝ i'll always be here for you. that won't change. ❞

❝ come on, man. just share the food. ❞

❝ you are testing my patience here, man. ❞

❝ how the hell do you climb so fast? ❞

❝ please write back, [NAME]. i need to hear from you. ❞

❝ do you think i'm bad? am i... am i broken? ❞

❝ you know the world thought you were dead. after you jumped off that cliff. ❞

❝ you'll be fine. you have my word. ❞

❝ aw, fuck! ❞

❝ spare me the lecture. can you do it? ❞

❝ i think the only real job i ever had was convincing people i was someone else. ❞

❝ wasn’t taking the scenic route your idea? i wanted to do this trip at 30,000 feet. ❞

❝ look, this is our only chance. we have a kid in the back of the car, ain’t no way the cops’ll shoot. ❞

❝ i got your back, you know that, right? ❞

❝ i'll always look out for this family. no matter what. ❞

❝ come on now. you're just being dramatic. ❞

❝ look, forget what i said, okay? of course i'm your brother. ❞

❝ it isn't working. it never does. ❞

❝ i don't remember you having a scar before. ❞

❝ family means sacrifice. ❞

❝ we don’t know that for sure. it’s a huge risk. ❞

❝ hop that fence and find a way in. ❞

❝ be there tomorrow. please. let me die looking at someone who knows me. ❞

❝ look, you said you see my face in your dreams? well, i see your face too. i can't explain why. ❞

❝ you deserve a friend, you really do. it just isn't me. ❞

❝ i hope you’re happy. ❞

❝ let me just have one last look around. ❞

[timetakeswords]

I'm so frustrated.

I get why Language learning is the first thing to get neglected whenever my brain goes back to depressionland. It's hard, it's frustrating, I'm shit at it even when I'm running on full capacity. Also it's something I purely do for fun(tm) and so there is no other, deeper incentive to keep at it whenever it gets hard to even leave the bed. This alone is frustrating enough, especially with this latest fallout running for more than a year now (this year has been very very bad for my continued existence x_x), but I'm kinda used to it. It sucks to have to start over all the time, but oh well. At least I'm still going.

Which is where my current frustrations are coming in.

See, with working on Mental Health stuff the last couple months, a lot has happened re priorieties and where my limited motivation/energy is needed more. And with spending more time on art, better social integration and (potential) new hobbies it constantly feels like there is just no time/energy left to grapple with being shit at vocab.

And that sucks!

I know part of it comes from lack of smooth access. I've relegated language and writing actitvities to the laptop cause I can't figure out how to do both art and typing on the desktop without fucking up my spine.

But I can ALSO not figure out how to integrate "Chill on laptop" into my overall workflow in a way that doesn't make me deeply anxious (cause there are more important things I gotta be doing!!!). And when I do spontanously find a way to switch over devices, I'm faced with the choices of: Wanna read? Wanna smash your blorbos together like dolls? Wanna see how utterly stupid you are for not remembering 東京?

Guess which of these tends to lose x_x

Idk, I recently remembered that I was able to clumsily talk to people on  Tandem and now I get excited when I manage to recall basics. And part of me wants to just give up on this completely cause it's not worth the frustration and the time could be spent better on other things. Just gotta accept that languages are just not my thing and find something else to do.

Otherwise I have this laying around my to do things while not actually doing it properly(tm) and hhhhhh have a constant "you suck" reminder is what I'm trying to avoid having tbh

But also I don't wanna. I love languages too much and there is this chance that my motivation Pool increases and I've got time to learn more again as I'm improving things overall

Just....right now I hate it here :/