#now I just gotta work on my stupid mental health

[lilowoof]

ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

[loverboybrightsideghost]

they should invent a me that's good at everything i want to be good at. [thing from the addams family pokes out of a nearby box and hands me a piece of paper] thank you, thing. what's this...oh! why, it's a paper that says i have to be the one to do that for my future self! huh.

[floral-hex]

real sad boy hours

[aswefindourwayback]

I love you, I’m sorry

Authors note: this is my most vulnerable piece of writing that I’ve ever shared since it’s taken inspiration from some terrible moments in my life. So it’s not my best piece of writing. Feedback is always appreciated.

Word count: 2071

Content warning: mentions of poor mental health, angst

you’ve never been able to keep people in your life, no matter how hard you tried. you would always change parts of you to fit other people’s wants and needs but it was still never enough. it got so bad that you were having thoughts about ending it all, thinking it’d be easier for everyone around you. they wouldn’t have to deal with your bullshit anymore and they could finally breathe again. but you instead threw yourself into your work.

you were already good at your job, but you quickly became the best. your work became your life. you stopped seeing and talking to your friends because you got so caught up in your work.

after years of working your ass off, you found yourself as a profiler for the FBI. you were now a member of the BAU. it took some getting used to and learning how to socialize but you got the hang of it. you guys were cracking case after case. you got along with all your coworkers and you guys often had fun together. you really loved all the laughs and good times you had with them, even outside of office hours. like that one time Emily, jj, and Penelope invited you out to go shopping and get dinner. it was something you were terrified of doing, getting closer to people and getting out amid socializing again, but you did it and found that it wasn’t as bad as you’d made it out to be in your head.

but there was one who you really got along with. spence. when you guys first met, you were both a bit shy and timid. but with time, you two grew incredibly close, always going to each other for anything and everything. and over time you fell for him, without meaning to. you knew it would complicate not only work but your friendship with him. your friendship with him means the world to him and you don’t know what you’d do if you lost him, so you kept your feelings to yourself. until one day, you didn’t.

it had been a normal day when rossi had called you into his office to talk about some case details. after going over the details and correcting him a few times, he asked you something:

“so, when are you gonna tell him?”

“what? tell who what?” you asked, completely lost in the conversation.

“reid. when are you gonna tell him how you feel?”

“spencer? what do i feel for him?” you said trying to play stupid. but it was rossi, he could see straight through you.

“Dont play dumb, kid.”

You slouched your shoulders in defeat, “no, i’m not gonna tell him.”

“Why not?”

“there’s a millions reasons to stay quiet”

“but there’s a million reasons to tell him too. don’t be afraid y/n.”

“easy for you to say. you’re not the one confessing your feelings”

“but i’ve done it a million times, kid. trust me. what if something good comes from this?”

“what if i ruin the one good thing in my life?”

“you won’t”

“how do you know that?”

“i just do.”

“what if it’s not the right time? like we’ve got that new case coming up and spence has been through some awful shit recently.”

“there’s never a “right time”. you just gotta do it.”

“i never intended to fall for him.”

“feelings are something we can’t control.”

“fuck. i’m gonna do it.” you say walking out of rossi’s office. the last thing you hear is rossi calling out to you “good luck, kid! not that you need the luck.”

-=+=-

you waited until the work day was over cause you didn’t want to make it very awkward in case you were rejected, which would very likely happen according to your calculations (you tend to distort your brain and imagine that the worst will happen for any situation). the odds of you being rejected were quite high so, you were just taking safety precautions. and if he still ended up rejecting you, you had it all planned. you would transfer to another branch. it’s not the best plan but you never claimed to be the brightest.

most of the team had already left for the day, so it was just you and spence standing waiting for the elevator, just talking about the paperwork you guys had worked on today. the elevator dinged, indicating it had arrived and the doors opened.

as you two stepped in, you took in a deep breathe and faced spencer.

“hey” you’d said.

“hey” he said, smiling shyly.

“so i’m gonna tell you something and i need you to let me finish before you say anything.”

“alright, i’m listening.”

“spence, i really like you, i mean really like you, so go ahead and reject me. i'm a big girl, i can take it. also you don’t have to say anything now.” you said at lightning speed, squeezing your eyes shut, afraid to look at him.

“y/n?” he asked as you felt his finger lightly lift your chin up.

“open your eyes, y/n”

you did as he said.

“i have something to tell you too.” he admitted, dropping his hand from your chin and shoving them into his pockets. your eyebrows were scrunched up a bit, hopeful of what his response would be, “i’ve never felt a connection with anyone before like this. I know that’s not surprising considering my awkwardness around people and my need to always correct people when they’re wrong and the fact that I shove myself into my job so much but i’ve dreamt of kissing you and feeling like i was on cloud 9. i started to notice when morgan kept calling me out for always watching you. and then i kept having dreams about you. not like any weird or sexual dreams or anything. just dreams where we hung out. just being near you. but i definitely want to see how this goes.”

“oh thank fuck” you said letting out an exasperated breathe.

that had made you both laugh. you felt like so much weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

“so” spence has started, exaggerating the length of the word.

“so”

“do you wanna like, hang out now? we could go get a drink or something. or if you want to wait and stuff then we can do that.” he’d said, almost stumbling over his words.

“id love to get a drink, spence.” you smiled at him.

and he smiled back.

at the bar, you two mostly forgot about your drinks and basket of fries as you were so caught up in each others company. you spent the night talking and laughing. you laugh so much, you were sure you were going to have abs in the morning. you’d never felt so happy. he made you forget about all your worries. he was unbelievably amazing that it was hard for you to believe that he existed and that he liked you back.

you two stayed until the bar almost closed for the night. he walked you home and you two kept talking on the walk. once you two had reached your door, you stood in front of him, not wanting the night to end.

“thanks for the drinks. i had a great time.” you said to him

“thanks for joining me. i had a great time too. um, do you think we could keep this on the down low for now? i don’t want everyone breathing down our necks at work and stuff. and i just wanna enjoy us for a bit.”

“yeah, of course. i’ll see you at work tomorrow. goodnight, spence.” you said as you walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek, making both your cheeks turn bright red.

“goodnight, y/n”

-=+=-

the past few months have been amazing. you and spence have been doing amazing as a team, not just at work. so many nights were spent together, either in complete silence or going on stupid late night adventures aka going down to the gas station across the street from your apartment to get snacks. you were so grateful for him and you were head over heels for him. you never thought you could feel this way for someone. you guys had of course had some ups and downs, mostly due to you and your mental health but you always got through it together, and for that you were forever grateful. he was different to anyone you’d ever met. he actually wanted to learn about the things you struggle with and wanted to learn what were ways he could help you. and after a really bad episode, you helped you breathe and told you he’d stay with you no matter what battles you two would have to face, cause he knew in the end, you two would end up the winners. it was insane to think someone so amazing would be able to love the mess you are, but he somehow does.

until he started to distance himself. it started after a specific incident when you had said something that came off wrong when he’d already had a bad day. after that, you could see it in the way he would interact with you. his speech and body language had changed towards you. his messages became a lot drier, even if you were verbally talking, he’d seem so disinterested, it was disheartening. you wanted to fix things but you didn’t know how. so you decided to arrange a nice little date night for the both of you, so you could show him how much you loved him and to talk things out. you even wrote down a little letter to tell him how grateful you are for him.

when you entered the office to tell him about the plan, he was on the phone so you waited behind him, waiting for the call to end. you didn’t mean to but you eavesdropped a bit, he seemed like his old happy self when he was on the phone, and you overheard a name, “maeve”.

you decided to walk away cause the call seemed to be taking a while. you walked towards morgan’s desk, where he was sitting and talking to pen.

“hey, what’s going on with you?” morgan had asked as soon as you walked up.

“nothing much, just waiting for spence to finish his call so i can talk to him about something.”

“oh yeah, he’s been on his phone a lot lately.” morgan had said.

“really? do you know why?”

“there’s this girl named maeve that he’s been talking about nonstop. he seems really infatuated with her, it’s nice to see him this way.” pen had said.

it was at that moment that all those bad feelings came back. your heart felt as if it was being grabbed out of your chest, just to be bitten into and shredded to pieces.

“i gotta go.” was all you said before you walked away from morgan’s desk.

you walked over to your desk and grabbed your stuff before walking to rossi’s office door and telling him you were leaving early.

“you alright, kid?”

“yeah, i just forgot something.” you said as you spread the fakest smile on your face.

you walked out the office and looked back at spence, hoping he’d walk after you to check on you. but he was so caught up in his phone call that he didn’t notice you leave.

you walked out to your car trying to keep the tears at bay. you ripped up the letter you’d written for him.

was it all a lie?

did he really mean those things he said to you?

was he playing you the whole time?

or did he just change his mind?

you messed up again.

you made mistake after mistake and he finally got tired of you.

he was the best but you were the worst.

you’re wrong again, about being lovable, cause you’re not.

it’s the way life goes.

it’ll never end.

you felt like pink cherry blossom petals that were left on the ground. loved and cherished when in the trees, awed at when falling, then left discarded and forgotten on the ground once you were no longer attached to the thing that gave you life. always being stomped over and discarded. never to be seen or loved again. the way it’s always been and the way it’ll always be.

[nogenderbee]

Im so happy your requests are open‼️ anyways can i req a reader thats like an idiot? The type of person to say "duck and chickens are the same because theyre both birds" or something even dumber will they tolerate readers dumbassery? Or do they just give up? I also want the characters to be mafuyu, akito, an,tsukasa djdndj$-$+$+$ take your time💗

-🐣

Of course! I swear I took so much inspiration from just looking up dumb quotes so... hopefully it matches your expectations!

♡˗ˏ✎*ೃ˚ 𝔻𝕦𝕞𝕓 ₊˚ˑ༄

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ An, Akito, Tsukasa, Mafuyu with idiotic!reader

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ fluff

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ @bleachtheidiot @prsk-krow @yulikesminori @qxmmi @toyaswif3y @miya-akane @alicewinterway18 @modyuki @hearts4gf

You were sitting in An's cafe after it closed. Her dad had to go there so she was the one who had to do the cleaning. But of course, she didn't wanted to do it so instead of that, she decided it'll be great idea to just bake something for you both!

You were just eating your favorite cake with her and accidentally bit your tongue.

"Oh gosh, Y/N are you alright!?"

"Have you ever wondered why you can't taste your tongue?"

That left her speechless... she was so worried about you that she didn't even realized the question at first.

"No, but... that's actually a good question!!"

My girl doesn't see the answer here... not at first at least! Give her some time to think and she'll actually explain it well! Maybe it's because she knows about all the food stuff thanks to working in cafe? Whatever it is, it definitely helped her right there!

"Oh I know! It's probably because taste buds are on your tongue, right!?"

"Ooooh, thanks An!"

You both stick together through your dumber thoughts. Usually she's the first one to come up with at least a bit smarter answers for them.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

You and Akito were bored to death as you just layed on your back in ones bedroom. You already played all games you could, talk about everyting you could, so he was distracted with his phone as you thought about everything and nothing at once. That's when you heard him get a bit more mean, most likely because of video he just saw.

"How the fuck do people do that!? C'mon it gotta be edited... it's so impossible after all..."

"Penguins can fly so you can do that too for sure."

"Penguins can't fly, stupid."

"They can if you give them a rocket!"

He just stared at you... he did not understand your way of thinking, so the only thing he could do was show how stupid he thought it was with his expression.

"What?"

"I'm just done with you."

He's really not, he loves you so much despite your question and statements that sometimes even get him worried about your mental health...

Also he definitely looked up "rockets for penguins" when you weren't looking-

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

You were helping Tsukasa with his school project. Basically he was supposed to do model of something son you naturally helped him.

You were just gluing some pieces together when a sudden thought appeared in your had...

"Hey Tsukasa... glue is made to stick to everything, right?"

"Yeah of course! That's like it's whole purpose."

"Then why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"

"It... wait... you're right! Why it doesn't!!?"

You two are combo of dumb and dumber but that's exactly why the two of you are just so adorable together!

You definitely gave up on that project for now and focused on discussing why it could be like that and omg weren't your assumptions delusional.

"Maybe bottle is just glueproof?"

"But how? Is it like magical or something?"

"It could be!"

You ended up looking the answer up on Google and both of you were disappointed that the answer was this simple whole the two of you discussed this topic for at least half an hour and even did sketch of how it could've been created!

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Mafuyu was resting at the cafe with you as both of you waited for your orders to come. But then closed and opened your eyes... first thing that came to her mind is that you might be tired so she immidietly asked you for the reason.

"Are you tired? Do you want simp of my coffee? Or you can take a nap... I'll wake you up once our orders come."

"No I just realized something..."

She held herself back from sighing, she knew very well where this is going but of course she doesn't want to be mean without giving you a chance first so she let's you finish your thought.

"And what could it be this time?"

"Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see."

"... Sometimes?"

She was confused... skipping the stupidity of that statement, what did you mean you don't see when your eyes are closed only SOMETIMES?! Should you go to doctor instead of aquarium date...?

As you nodded to confirm your words, she knew there was no way if explaining everything to you so she just gave up and decided to play nice. Especially since it's not first and definitely not your last stupid statement she hears today.

"That's... kinda right..."

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

[ohtobeleah]

Outer My Mind / Rhett Abbott

Chapter One: America Is Wrong

Summary: Rhett Abbott, found a distraction from his grief in the form on Maria Olivares when she came back to Wabang. You? Well—you lost yourself and became a recluse of sorts. Until Rhett found out you needed help fixing the boundary fence.

Warnings: Rhett Abbott x F!reader. Miscommunication. Mentions of miscarriage. Mental health issues. Best Friends to Lovers Trope.

Word Count: 3.8k

Author Note: It’s been a while. But out boy Rhett deserved some attention this week. Outer My Mind Masterlist

“They aren’t serious about him riding Mickey Bull are they?” You asked Perry curiously as he handed you a beer. Taking a sip, you watched as Rhett settled onto the back of his latest bucking bull. Mickey Bull. “Oh fuck, he’s in for a real treat isn’t he?” You chuckled as Perry nudged at your shoulder, agreeing that this wouldn’t be Rhett’s best ride. 

“He’ll be fine, he knows what he’s doing.” Perry replied through the corner of his mouth as he clapped and hollered out for Rhett. You did the same, perched up in the crowd with Rhett’s family, cheering him on with all the love and support you could. Because that’s what you and Rhett did. 

Things had been complicated to say the least the last two months—some days you felt like the world had ended. Others felt like it had just begun. 

“Go Rhett!!” You shouted as he came barreling through the gates, holding on for dear life as Mickey Bull tried to rid his back of Rhett Abbott. “Hold on Rhett, hold on!!” 

“Well Folks, you gotta love the effort!” The announcement came through the speakers and the buzzer sounded. 

“Ohh—!” Perry cringed as you buried your face in his shoulder, squinting your eyes shut at the sight of Rhett hitting the deck and hitting the deck hard. It wasn’t long enough—you knew it, Perry knew it and above all you knew Rhett knew it too. 

“It wasn’t enough, I’m not advancing.” Rhett mumbled from inside the fence as you stood between Royal and Perry. The found family that had somewhat adopted you, especially since you lost your dad a few months back. Royal Abbott knew you were as strong willed and as stupid as your old man had been. But that didn’t mean you were any less deserving of company. 

“Ah you did fine.” Royal sighed, he didn’t agree. “That bull hasn’t ridden well in forever.” 

“Yeah that was a bullshit bull Rhett—“ You couldn’t help but to laugh as Perry cussed his daughter out for using bad language, she looked to you like you had her back or something. “What? Y/n said it, not me!” 

“Aye now, I said Mickey bull was a bad ride, that didn’t mean you could say he was bullshit.” You pulled Amy close as you picked her up to piggy back her. She draped her arms around your shoulders as you stood back up. “You did as good as you could with the hand you were dealt, Rhett.” You sighed as you looked at Rhett like he hung all the stars in the night sky just for you. 

“Thanks Rebel.” 

Expect those stars were never meant for you. They were always meant for Maria. Rhett spotted her in the crowd and couldn’t keep his eyes off her. You looked to where the trajectory of his eyes were going and you just knew. 

Always the bridesmaid and never the bride. Forever the friend and never the wife. 

“We’ll see you at home.” Cecilia cooed as she reached out for her son's hand. He nodded softly, confirming what she already knew as you turned back to Rhett. 

You would never be the one he hung stars for. 

And that was just something you were going to have to accept and move on from. Because as Rhett looked at Maria like anyone with working eyes could see you looked at him, your heart sank into your stomach as you let a hand rest against your stomach. Still holding Amy on your back. 

Hoping for a little kick that wouldn’t come. Because you’d lost your baby two months ago and Rhett hadn’t said a word about it since. 

Rhett’s baby. The mistake that you’d made in a drunken accident that never should have happened. Two months had passed and you still couldn’t sleep, could eat, couldn’t think. Couldn’t get yourself to move on. 

But as you watched Rhett smile up at Maria in the crowd as you looked back over your shoulder, you knew Rhett was fine. He’d moved on, he could sleep and eat and ride. He'd let you go and all he could have owed you go. 

“I just need you to be you, Rhett.” You could remember asking as you walked away. Not entirely sure you were ready to be truly alone. “I just need you to be you, Rhett.” 

But you knew you were entirely alone. Teetering on the edge of Heaven and Hell was a battle that you couldn’t fight. Not alone. So you fell and you could already feel yourself spinning out of control from the fall. 

***~***~***~***One Month Later & The Events Of Outer Range Season One***~***~***~***~

“God dammit—“ You huffed as you came to a stand still on top of the ridge. Looking out across the now empty paddock, you could just see that your herd of cattle had taken it upon themselves to head on over to Spencer’s Cutting, the creek that ran through seven of the eleven properties that littered the small country backyard of Amilia Counties far west. 

The border fence that you’d only just fixed a few months ago was down again, some crazy herd of bison had trampled it to oblivion and beyond last night.

“Alright Chester—Let’s load up the truck hey?” You reached down to pat Chesters chest as he blew air through his nose and stomped a single horse shoe into the ground. “Atta boy, let’s go.” 

It was a fact you were going to have to accept, after about a month of solitude besides grocery runs and farming supply top ups, you needed to accept you were going to have to head on over to the Abbotts place. Your post hole digger was still busted—had been since before you dad passed. And with the boundary fence down and your cows running a muck down in Spencer’s Cutting—you needed a fucking post hole digger. 

Abbott Ranch was the closest in proximity, it only made sense. The last time you’d spoken to Rhett was at that rodeo where he barely made it through to nationals. It wasn’t all his fault, you were partly to blame—but in the month following he’d made not a single attempt to check in with you. See how you were doing. You hadn’t seen him since Trevor Tillerson's funeral, and even then you didn’t stick around to chat. 

The drive over felt as unfamiliar and unfair as it was engraved into your heart. You’d driven this road a million times and would do so a million times more. It was only as you turned off the gravel road onto the dirt drive of the Abbott Ranch that your heart sunk to your arse. 

And it sucked knowing that a thief came into your home and stole your peace, your lack of boundaries gave them permission. You were just the gift that kept on giving. First you let Rhett slip between your fingers, then you stepped away the moment you knew Maria was back in town thinking it would protect your heart to not see a thing. 

Turns out that hurt more. 

You were just a Santa Claws to her, just with no Christmas and no returns. But there was no excuse you could give yourself to excuse yourself from not putting yourself first because you were afraid to lose the only person you thought ever cared enough about you to give you the time of day. 

If Rhett didn’t want you? You weren’t about to grovel. If he wanted Maria Olivares then that’s who he could have. 

You weren’t a constellation prize, not even for your best friend.

“So she’s alive huh?” Royal chuckled to himself as he and Rhett countered the castle in the yards ready for market. Rhett didn’t quite catch what his dad had said until he looked up and saw your Ute kicking up a plume of red dirt behind it as you slowly crept up the drive. “Haven’t seen Rebel in just over a month—I thought she’d dropped off the face of the earth.” 

Had it really been that long? Rhett thought to himself as he went back to counting the cattle. One by one until there wasn’t any left to count. He watched with a slight glare your way as you pulled up, opened your door and stood from your car seat. 

“Hey Royal—“ You started, tilting your hat his way as he did so you. You turned for a brief moment to acknowledge Rhett, but he’d already looked away. Too ashamed that he’d all but forgotten about you for an entire month while he’d been off chasing a girl who was beyond him. 

So you didn’t bother saying hello. You didn’t bother saying anything at all. Rhett has suddenly become a stranger to you and honestly? You didn’t mind. Not if it meant that you were screaming at a brick wall begging for him to love you the same way you knew he knew you loved him. 

“Rebel—how you been?” Royal asked with a crooked smile. “Haven’t seen you in a while?” That man barely knew how to be happy and it showed in the lines on his tired face. 

“Ah you know me, overworked and under fucked.” You chuckled at the way Royal cringed at your forwardness and missed the soft laugh that escaped from Rhett’s heart. “I need to borrow your post hole digger?” You asked in more of a i'm not asking but telling you I’m about to borrow your post whole digger tone. “Boundary fence is down in the south pasture, guess that herd of Bison took it out last night.” 

Royal wasn’t inclined to not believe you. He’d been out there when they came barreling through. 

“I’ll take Perry if he’s around too. Need an extra pair of hands if you’ve got ‘em to spare.” 

“Post hole diggers in the shed.” Royal pointed. “But Perry’s not here, you can take Rhett though we’re just about finished here.” Oh how you couldn’t have thought of a worse idea. Redoing the boundary fence on your own was going to take a few days, if not the entire week. But doing it by yourself would be far less painstaking than rebuilding whatever broken friendship remained between you and Rhett.

“I’ll just take the post hole digger then.” You looked back to Rhett who had finally drawn his attention to you. You looked good, really good. “Thanks, I’ll just grab it and be on my way.” 

“No problem Rebel, keep yourself well.” Royal was quick to wave you off as you kept your gaze locked on Rhett a little longer than you should have. It was like a guilty pleasure to look at him, to stare into his ocean blue eyes that held so much promise behind them. 

Rhett Abbott could be anything he wanted to, if only he believed he could. 

“Will do—“ You tipped your hat and started up the drive, slamming your door behind you as Rhett watched you disappear up towards the shed. 

“What the hell did you do that’s so bad that she’d rather put that boundary fence up herself than have you give her a hand Rhett?” Royal asked as he finished up at the gate, making sure the snap lock was on tight and secure. 

“I didn’t do nothin’—“ Rhett grumbled out of the corner of his mouth. “Haven’t seen her in a while is all.” 

“Any particular reason that might be?” Royal had been the one who eventually picked Rhett and Maria up after he totaled his truck at the America is wrong sign late last night. Royal knew he was set on running—all Rhett had ever wanted to do was run. But even at the edge of what could have been freedom, something kept him tethered to Wabang. 

Someone by the name of you.

“Or anyone perhaps? Because I know all you’ve ever wanted was the Y/l/n girl—and judging by the fact it was that Olivares girl in your truck last night on the edge of town, I'm assuming you finally came to your senses and realised that she wasn’t who you thought you wanted.” Royal chuckled to himself as he took his gloves off and shoved them in his back pocket. “Now I can’t do math worth a damn but if two and two equals four Rhett then what the fuck are you doing here helping me still and not going after that Y/l/n girl?” 

Rhett thought on it for a moment, he stood there in the silence of the afternoon sun and watched the drive away up to the shed. 

“Rebels cows are probably out if the south boundary is down—I’m gonna go check down at Spencer’s Cutting for her, see if I can herd em up.” 

“Sure, you do that Mr. Casinova—“ Royal couldn’t help but to chuckle as he tapped Rhett on the shoulder. He still didn’t know about Perry. 

No one knew about Perry. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Rhett didn’t wait up for you to finish loading up the post hole digger before he set off. He was off before you even put your truck in reverse. 

You thought you’d get a little peace and quiet in the burning heart of the mid afternoon as you tried your best to fix the boundary fence. It was a mess. It was technically a two person job at the bare minimum and if you were being completely honest with yourself it probably wasn’t a good idea to try and attempt to fix it on your own. But you had something to prove. 

“Come on you son of a bitch!” You groaned as you tried to feed the wire through to no avail. “Come on—“ 

“Need a hand?” Rhett called out as he came to a standstill, his horse Ranger looked at you as if he knew him being here was a bad idea too. 

“Not from you, that’s for sure.” You barely looked at Rhett, it made his heart ache inside his chest a little more than he was comfortable with. “You checkin in on me Abbott?” 

“Depends if you need to be checked in on?” Rhett chuckled as he lowered himself from off his horse, watching as you finally got the wire to feed through the small hole you’d drilled. You’d happily take the small wins to combat the overwhelming losses. “Guess I lost track of time, having seen you in a while?” 

“Yeah well, time slips by when your tunnel visioned, doesn’t it?” You kept working as Rhett stood hovering in your sunlight, casting a shadow down on you that left you cold and heartless. “How’s things going with Maria anyway?” 

“I dunno if they’re even going.” Rhett sighed, he didn’t think he’d done anything wrong by you. “We uh, we were heading outta town last night—“ 

“Ah, so you were finally gonna get away were you?” You chuckled as you shook your head in disbelief. “So what are you doing here annoying me for if you were so close to freedom Rhett?” 

If Rhett were honest he hated the way you kept working through your conversation, barely giving him the time of day. Beggars couldn’t be choosers though could they? He hadn’t been around to see you in a month or so. 

“Same herd of bison that busted the fence sent me off roading into the sign on the main road.” He explained. “Couldn’t really get the hell outta dodge without a truck could I?” The conversation seemed cold, one sided even. You really didn’t wanna know and you sure as shit didn’t care. “Maria was pretty upset when I called someone to come get us, she was as pretty keen on leaving town.” 

“She left, didn’t she?” You asked just for curiosity's sake, Rhett was quick to nod in response, quietly pressing his lip together in a solemn line. 

“Left this morning—text me to meet her at the cafe but I just couldn’t”. 

“Smart—yeah good strategy Rhett, hey I bet she was real pleased when you pulled the rug out from underneath her.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rhett remained silent after he asked you that as he watched you work. There was a fire in you he hadn’t seen before, you were angry at something, someone. Probably him. “Rebel?” 

“People are like dogs Rhett, you kick 'em around enough they’ll start thinking they did something to deserve it.” You paused momentarily to wipe the sweat from your forehead as you looked to Rhett like you didn’t have a clue who he was anymore. “If you love her and you wanna be with her and the two of you really want to leave this place behind then you would have gone with her no hesitation.” Rhett watched as you fed the wiring through the post. You could do this by yourself—you didn’t need Rhett or anyone else for that matter. “Don’t lead her on, you tell her straight how it is or else she’ll start to think she did something wrong and that’s not fair on nobody.” 

“What do I say to her?” 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” You shrugged. “Hell you told me you’d be there for me but I haven’t heard from you in a month—“ You paused what you were doing and rose to your feet to meet Rhett’s gaze. “So tell her whatever you need to do to make it easy to walk away I guess.” 

“Rebel—“ 

“You’re really good at that.” You weren't going to give Rhett a chance. It was best he knew that now before he even tried. “Go home Rhett, I’ve got it from here.” 

“Your cows are still out—“ 

“If you having fucking noticed Abbott I don’t have a fence up to keep em in!” You hissed. “Can you just—god can you just leave me to be in peace? I’ve been fine all on my own for the past month and I don’t need you coming around pretending you care because if you cared even a little about me? You wouldn’t have forgotten I live right next door—a beer and a hi you doing alright would’ve sufficed.“ 

“I’ve had a lot going on, if you hadn’t noticed I was being accused of murder!” Rhett spat at you as you rose to your feet finally. “None of us know where Amy and Perry are at the moment either.” Rhett added before he took a turn at you, shoving the blame back on your shoulders. “And where the fuck where you when I needed you huh? No call no text not a fucking word from you so don’t you dare take the high ground on this when you and I both know you couldn’t reached out too!” 

“I’m sorry I was busy trying to get over the loss of our child!” You shoved at Rhett's chest so hard he faulted back. He stumbled a little as you smashed your fist against his shoulder. “Remember that? Huh, tough guy!” You didn’t hold back as you raised your voice and shoved at Rhett again. “We were gonna have a child together and suddenly I was fucking nobody to you!” 

“Rebel stop—!” Rhett pleased as he tried to catch your wrist as you hammered into his chest. “Stop! It’s been three months!” At that moment you truly didn’t know who Rhett had become over the last month. You felt sick as your hand came up to rest against your stomach. Rhett saw the look in your eye’s and immediately backtracked. He didn’t mean that, he knew he said it but that’s not what he meant. “Rebel I didn’t mean that—“ 

“Are you saying that I should just get over it? Like you did?” You could have strangled him, Rhett had unintentionally crossed a line no man should ever go near let alone cross. “Get the hell off my property before I shoot you in the goddamn foot!” 

“Y/n wait, that’s not what I meant it’s just—“ Rhett tried to reach out but all you did was step back. “That’s not what I meant.” 

“You’re a bastard—“ You and Rhett stood what felt like a million miles apart but in reality you were face to face. “For the record, you stopped choosing me and you stopped caring about me the second she walked back into town.” 

Rhett hated what the two of you had become. 

“You’re my best friend? My only friend?” Rhett sighed as he reached out to thumb at your cheek. He curled his digits into your hair and pulled you closer. “Hey—I’m right here yeah?” There was nothing Rhett could say that could make you feel the slightest bit full. You were entirely empty and exhausted. “I’m right here, look at me?” 

But you couldn’t look at the man you loved for a second more without wanting to burst into flames. 

“I could never just be friends with you Rhett and you know that.” Being this close to Rhett after so long was really doing a number on your sanity. He was your home and suddenly you couldn’t recognise the photos on the walls or the layout of the living room. “Your eyes remind me of the nights we spent together.” You admitted softly, just barely above a whisper as Rhett trailed the pad of his thumb across your cheek to catch the tears that spilled over your lash line. “I can’t look in the eyes I once saw a future together in and I can’t look in the eyes of the father of the child I’ll never get to watch grow up.” You pushed yourself away before you could completely lose yourself and turned your back on Rhett. “I can’t be just your friend—“

“Rebel im—“ Rhett had no words, he couldn’t formulate a sentence that could even come close to being enough of an apology. He couldn’t say he didn’t know you loved him and he couldn’t say he didn’t love you back. He was just confused. He thought he knew what he wanted but now that you were standing in front of him telling him that you’d given him all that you could—Rhett wanted to take all his actions back. He wanted you back. “I’m sorry—“ 

“I don’t need your apology, Rhett.” You spoke over your shoulder. “I just need you off my damn property because your part in my story is finished and I have no intention of letting you back in close enough to hurt me.” 

In the silence of the afternoon sun Rhett watched you return to your work like he wasn’t still standing there. 

“It was my baby too, you know.” Was all Rhett said as you went back to working on the boundary fence. Your heart burned inside your chest. “You lost our baby and you wanna blame me for everything—“ Again, you said nothing. You simply picked up the pair of wire cutters and used them to twirl the wire around a few times before cutting it off. “Fine Rebel, you wanna be petty?” Rhett snapped. “Your cows are wandering dangerously close to the Tillerson's property.” Rhett explained as he mounted back onto Ranger.

 “Round 'em up yourself, miss ‘can do’.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~**

Tags: 🏷️ @bradshawseresinbabe @seresinsaint @lewmagoo @delopsia @xoxabs88xox @jynxmirage @pono-pura-vida @lumpypoll @thinemineours

[garciaasfluffypen]

bright beginnings pt. 10

pairing: single dad!joseph quinn x fem!reader  wc: 868  warnings: grace being sneaky but in a good way i promise

part nine • part eleven

a/n: hi sorry im so bad at uploading mental health went poopy stinky but im back

“grace elizabeth vandien!” joe gasped, practically hitting the phone out of grace’s hand. “you did not just friend request my employee!” 

“well she’s cute and clearly you need to get your head out of your ass, so if you don’t do it i will.” 

“you’re not playing cupid.”

“and you’re stupid if you think i’m going to listen to you.” 

“i cannot believe you’ve done this.” 

“well believe it, buckaroo. this is happening whether you like it or not.” 

joe had to stop himself from shoving grace off the couch, instead choosing to throw a pillow at her face before getting up to pace the room. there was no way this was going to turn out good. there absolutely wasn’t. but it wasn’t like he was nervous, right? granted, the last person he was with was julia. she didn’t really do much in terms of their relationship, seeing as it appeared to be purely transactional. and the fact that she left the kids with joe a majority of the time. he wasn’t going to lie, the honeymoon phase was nice, but it didn’t last much longer than six months before he started noticing a few things. then six turned into twelve, julia got pregnant and those twelve months turned into 23 with divorce papers in his hands. and now the twins were three, he was sex deprived and dear god, he just-- 

but he couldn’t, could he? he wasn’t going to lie, y/n was one of the only things on his mind lately. okay so maybe he had looked at her profile picture on facebook for too long. and memorized the freckles on her cheeks and how some of them almost looked like the little dipper if you squinted just enough. or how her cousin commented “so hot so pretty you need a boyfriend” on every profile picture and y/n would just reply with an eyeroll emoji and a “get me one then”. how she laughed so gracefully when the kids at the daycare did something funny. or cute. or both. how she took such great care of the twins and didn’t care at all that they attached themselves to her. 

yeah, maybe he needed a new relationship. he needed to stop thinking about y/n. he needed--

“joe, get out of your head.” grace lightly slapped his cheeks. “i promise i won’t say anything too out of pocket to her.” 

“grace!” 

“i’m joking! mostly. listen, you know your worth and you deserve to have it. julia can suck my ten inch clit, and if she pulls a fuss to her lawyer about you moving on you can literally bring up the fact she leaves you with the kids and breaks her custody agreement almost weekly to go fuck some guy on whatever costal island she flies to with daddies money. you. deserve. so. much. better. don’t stop yourself from pursuing this because of some silly little lady who can’t tell her left from her right.”

“i— she’s not directionally challenged.”

“that’s not my point.” grace rolled her eyes. “stop being such a worry wort and just get back out there! what’s wrong with going on one date with y/n?” 

“well for one, if it goes bad we might lose our best employee.” 

“i doubt she would quit if the date goes that roughly. and you gotta believe in yourself, dude. you had everyone in college swooning over you. it’s a surprise you’re not playing some heartthrob metal head somewhere on tv that everyone is going to fall in love with.”

“stop reminding me of my failed dreams.” joe dramatically flopped back on the couch. “i’d much rather be on tv than running a daycare.”

“but you’re doing a damn good job at it. honestly? i think it's your calling.” 

“huh?”

“working with kids. maybe you could like, develop a show about a couple in a daycare that falls in love and has like ten babies.” 

“y/n and i are not going to have ten babies.” 

“i never said that.” grace cheekily smiled as she typed away on her phone. “and besides, you never know what’ll happen.” 

“i have two, and they are more than enough right now, thank you very much.” 

grace rolled her eyes. “puh-lease, you want more kids and you know it.”

“i do know it, but i have two three year olds.” 

“and like, how many girls watching them constantly? joe. i’m going to be blunt and you’re going to take it. you need to get laid. and i’m going to help you get laid.” 

“i- grace…” 

“listen, i’m gonna find you someone. even if it’s on tinder, okay?” grace pushed herself off of the couch. “i’m gonna head out because i have an 8am, but i’ll send you updates. also send me your favorite pictures of yourself in case i end up making you a tinder.”

“i don’t want to be on tinder.”

“i’ll do bumble then.” grace paused in the doorframe.  “oh, before i forget, y/n and i are getting tea tomorrow, i’ll let you know how it goes!” 

and with that, grace shut the door and joe was left to once again scream into his pillow.

[inthemaelstrom]

The Problem of Intent

I think it might be time to publish this again, from my old Dowsing blog.

The Problem of Intent

I woke up this morning thinking about the word “intent,” as I have been off and on for some time. My ruminations finally solidified yesterday after watching an episode of Red Table Talk on Facebook (another reason I haven’t been back here in a while—Facebook, not Red Table Talk). It’s a good episode with Chelsea Handler talking with Jada Pinkett Smith and Adrienne Banfield-Jones about white privilege and parts of it are really painful to watch, mostly the bits from Handler’s documentary, in which she interviews white women, mostly poor and conservative, about whether they think white privilege exists (they don’t). Handler’s own previous dumbassery on the subject is also pretty painful, but she’s getting it right now, and that’s what matters most.

But there’s a point in the video where she tells a story on herself, illustrating her former dumbassery and the person who calls her out said, “It’s not about the intention, it’s about the reception.” A little further on, Handler acknowledges that white people don’t want to learn because it’s uncomfortable to learn not to be an asshole or a bigot to other people, “you gotta go head first into deep things and get in trouble and say stupid things to learn how to say smarter things.” All of which is true. Not just say smarter things, but know smarter things, I would add. The process of learning to be a good ally to people who don’t have your privilege is hard and embarrassing and upsetting. It’s heartbreaking and guilt-making to realize you’ve been walking through the world hurting people (if you’re not a Rethuglican who enjoys that kind of thing; but I digress).

And then Jada Pinkett Smith says that key thing that I’ve been thinking about for ages now: “I think we gotta make some room for people to say stupid stuff sometimes,” because racism has been going on for so long that most of it is unconscious now. People don’t realize they’re being racist unless it’s pointed out to them (and that’s where other white people need to get off their asses; it’s not Black people’s job to do that). She continues, “Not every—you know, not every action is racist.” So while it may feel racist to the object of the action, it may not to the actor and it may not have that intent behind it.

This is why intent matters—also. Not by itself, but in addition to reception. Because if we are doing our damnedest to be a good friend and generous person, to do the right thing, to not be racist, sexist, bigoted, insensitive, ableist, oblivious to the experiences of others, and we fuck up along the way as we inevitably will, a little compassion helps fuel the struggle for everyone. There’s a mental health element to this too, and Handler prefaces her part of the discussion with what seems at first like her irrelevant experiences in therapy to make this point. She spends a long time talking about her own struggles with pain and anger and how realizing that her anger was the result of the pain she was in was the thing that broke her open, finally, and got some real work done. When we’re operating primarily on a foundation of pain (and here I walked away to go make my bed, because, yanno, pain), then the world becomes our enemy. Everyone becomes our enemy. Everyone is out to hurt us, to insult us, to fuck with us, plotting against us to make us miserable, being mean to us. Everything everyone says or does to us that hurts us (and when we’re already in pain, this doesn’t generally take a lot) is intentional. Because people are bad and mean and hurtful and fuck all ya’ll anyway. I hate people.

And that’s clearly bullshit. It feels right when we’re hurting, and damn if there aren’t days when I get up in the morning and look at the news and thinkWhat the ever loving fuck is wrong with you people?about nearly everyone in the world after seeing all the hurt we do each other. But to think the whole world is your enemy, that every person you meet, every friend you make, will ultimately betray and hurt you creates a huge number of problems and solves nothing. First, believing we are somehow important enough for all the individuals in our lives (never mind the rest of the world) to spend their time machinating about how to hurt us is one of the best examples of narcissism I can think of, and utterly delusional. That’s like gaslighting yourself. It’s also an example of flawed perceptions and expectations. It’s our expectations of others, ultimately, that wound us: expecting perfection, expecting an intimate and automatic understanding of our POV, expecting unearned unconditional love, expecting all the attention. Love people as you find them, and if they, in their own pain and rage, hurt you, love them from a distance.

Worse than this, though, is that anticipating injury from other people assures that this is all we’ll ever get from them. Ever. Because everything they do will be an injury to us if we fail to see their intent and their focus. One of the last times my mom came to visit me here in New York, we were walking along the street and she said, in what was clearly a revelatory moment for her, “wow, people are really so focused on themselves that they don’t really pay attention to anyone else.” This was coming from a woman who agonized over what other people might think of her if she went out without looking perfectly dressed, perfectly coiffed, perfectly dignified, who was painfully self-conscious about how her disability made her look. I wish she had had more time to enjoy the liberation of that revelation. Because she was right about that. People are all dealing with their own pain, their own stuff, their own troubles, and hurting or judging you is not a high priority on their to-do list.

Unless they are so wrapped up in their own pain that they are going to lash out first, and there are some people who are that hurt, that broken. It’s good to remember that it’s still really not about you in those circumstance; if they are hurting and judging you, what they see in you that they hate is almost always what they hate or feel insecure about themselves. Those folks have a lot of work to do that you can’t do for them; all you can do is wish them well and get out of range. Because in their pain, they create more of it. This is what intentional, unexamined and institutional racism and sexism does to people. It creates a cycle of pain that needs work to be broken.

Again, this is why intent matters. If I’m hurting you out of maliciousness that’s one thing; I need a slap upside the head and a boot in the rear. If I’m hurting you out of my own pain, that’s more understandable but still not excusable; I’ve got some work to do on myself, then, and owe you an apology and an effort to do better. But if I’m hurting you by accident, because I’m learning to do better and still making mistakes, cut me a break please. Work with me. Call me out, by all means. I can’t learn if I don’t know I’ve screwed up. If it’s really egregious, don’t spare your anger. I can’t rightly ask you to do that and I probably deserve it. But don’t use my mistake to make judgments about what kind of person I am at the core, because then you’re doing the same thing that bigots do. If you think I’m the kind of person who would intentionally hurt others, then we already have a problem of perception and reception on your end. And that’s bad intent.

[robinruns]

I've been trying to make this post for a while, but I'm having a tough time making it sound as coherent as I want so I'm just gonna ramble, stream of consciousness styles.

I had my physical today. It went pretty quick, and the scale didn't tell me anything I didn't know. The PA was super on board with getting me a referral to an OB/GYN for a sterilization consult. The scheduling department reached out this afternoon and I got an appointment scheduled for the 26th of this month. I went MyChart afterward and checked but didn't see the doctor as in-network. She just finished her OB/GYN residency with the UW and is now starting with UW Health, and my insurance is like The UW Health affiliated insurance so she SHOULD be in-network, but if I had to guess, she's just not fully in the system yet. I work on that end of the medical world, so to speak, I know how that shit goes. But I did send a message thru MyChart to my insurance regarding the coverage for the procedure (my guess is they cover once the deductible is met, which should be soon) and whether or not the doctor is, or will be in-network. I'm having a hard time getting excited until I know for sure that she will be.

I don't wanna have the procedure done until after my 10k, which would be mid-November. It would make sense for it to be then as well because I'll be recovering from the race then anyway.

I think I will for sure stick with my running coach even during the "off season" because I do want to feel stronger and faster going into next year. Also I don't want to risk her not having an opening next spring lol

Today I had a god awful run, like the humidity was outrageous for the billionth day in a row. And then when I left the office, it was fucking nicer out at 10:30 than it was at 6 AM!! Bullshit!!! But I think after today the temps will be back to more reasonable levels, like mid to upper 70s which is about the extent of what I can tolerate. Plus I have a headache from being in the AC so much, like my stupid sinuses are so dried up. I'm so over it. I hate summer. Blah.

I gotta make my lunches for the rest of the week now. I don't want to, but I should. I know I'll mentally feel better if I do, but god I don't wanna get off this couch. Ugh.

I don't think there's really much else I need to talk about right now. Ok post now.

[oh-no-boi]

mm lrb (last reblog? is that a thing haha) and just its not the same but the assumption that im not doing anything with my life/time bc im not dating and not going "out" is rly stupid

my coworker didnt mean anything by it but his shock abt me not dating anyone and alao that bc im a homebody, im not doing much..... like no i make games, i draw, i craft, i write, my 3 journals take up plenty of time too.. also i go to downtown toronto somwtimes for stationary stuff LOL im tired from working but i got plenty of shit im doing

like currebtly:

• finished domino club game jam thus resting

• i have likr 25 linoprints where i gotta print layer 2 (winter holiday cards bc snailmail is great)

• im back to sorting my dolls for ebay and after that, i am finally going to organize my 3 display cases

• as always, 2 out of 3 planner/journals, take up at least 2-3 hrs a week as i write the daily pages from my phone notes

• i would like to go to the park more, i wish i had energy to walk and draw again but i just go to the playground swings for my mental health occationally now 😔

• i am reading so many danmei novels like one after another.. balancing my time between reading and doing other things is a careful balance

• winter holiday gifts are on my mind.. one has been ordered but many more to figure out..

idk like theres comics to read too and games to play, and books to read, and so much art supplies i shud fucking use one of these days.. need to get back into watercolours lol.....

my life isnt worse or more boring due to me not dating or staying home/close to home....

i've literally gone to place in toronto where u can be nude and see ppl getting it on and put on the "not interested" bracelet and fell in love with not giving a fuck abt my own nudity levels and falling in love with the heated pool...... holy shit is it nice to just wear swimsuit bottoms and a swim shirt without a bikini top lmao the fucking best (i have been nude but i also am a weirdo who does like the feel of clothes and like i cant live without socks when not in bed, and underwear is a helper in controlling my bladder feelings, and then i just love an oversized tshirt ok it feels good but also im chill to be tits out)

idk theres just something great abt knowing that sure i might be squemish to ever try sex and sure im aroace something, and i dont think im gotta end up actually dating anyone but fingers crossed i guess? but also yeah i masturbate, i've been nude in nudist place, i've sent nudes before tho not sexy chat lol i draw porn, i have a lot of distressed anime girl porn on my phone what of it, im an adult and im happy* living my life and frankly i dont see how dating would even work for me when i want to be reading bl half my waking hours... i just need to hang out with friends more

oh also coworker was like "ur 23, right?" and im just oh buddy haha

*i mean mild? depression but we ignore it bc we are only truly depressed when thinking bad thoughts or like the future or anything, ok fine i still feel like its fake but we cant ignore that i did try antidepresants and also did get close to vague suicide thoughts but like im fine, i got planners and stickers and weekly bubble tea ok

[averagewriter-inthedark]

SFW Headcanons ♥️—Lt. Aldo Raine | IB Headcanon

link to my IB masterlist

Requested 📨 yes/no (rules for requests)

Aldo is a man of few words, but when he does express his love to you expect him to be blunt, “Yer my fucking world, Y/n. You know that right?” Mans would do anything to protect you rather it be when y’all are in the middle of war or during a time of peace.

He treats you like an equal regardless of your rank or status. To him, you both or on the same platform and he comes to you for advice every now and then. Sometimes you gotta talk him out of stupid shit that could get the team killed. The Basterds look at you with respect—not just because you’re involved with their superior but because you’re their brother/sister in arms.

You’re the one who engraved ‘Inglorious Basterds’ on his rifle, presenting it to him after y’all found out what the Nazi’s called y’all. “We’ll ain’t that nice,” he admired your work before giving you a kiss in thanks. “Now them fuckers will know we’re the real deal.”

On missions you play his significant other which he really enjoys. Getting to dress up and walk the streets of Paris or whatever town y’all are doing recon it, Aldo doesn’t pass up the chance to show public affection with you. He’ll take you dancing, hold your jacket, will sit and watch like a proud boyfriend when you cut the throat of a Nazi.

The nicknames reserved for you are darlin’, honey bee, sweet thang & bubs. Usually each is for a certain scenario, but expect to be called each once a day.

“Darlin’, hand me that map when ya get the chance.” “Try not to get too much blood on your pretty outfit, honey bee.” “I love ya, sweet thang.” “Now, bubs, you know that’s not what I meant. Let’s talk this through.”

Your sweet lieutenant tries his best when making you coffee, but even when y’all see safe home back in the states he still makes the shit watery or undrinkable. You just have to laugh and pat him on the back, “Don’t worry about it, baby. How about we go to that coffee shop you like?”

Boy does the man snore. It keeps you up at night to the point your having to plug your ears or go to your guest room when you know you gotta be up early the next morning. Aldo apologizes and makes it up by waiting until you go to sleep first before he does. Sometimes it helps….but you still wack him with a pillow when the snoring becomes ridiculous.

Cuddling is essential between the two of you. Especially after surviving the war it’s how he shows his love and appreciation for you. PTSD, night terrors, sleep paralysis. A heavy toll was the result of the war on your mental health, so when the days become rough what seems to help the both of you is holding the other in their arms. You don’t talk about Europe and try not to think about it, simply relishing in the peace at the fact you both made it home.

Aldo was a bootlegger and did do time before the war. You don’t fault him for it—it was hard times and he did what he needed to support his family. His contributions to the war led him to receive a pardon on his record so Aldo was able to find a nice job when y’all returned to Tennessee. There he was able to save up for a nice home in the countryside for you two and for whatever else the future had in store—like a wedding, kids, animals. Whatever you want he was going to give it to you.

[gracegrove]

Change

🙃 a little snip bc I had to find a new therapist

_____

"You have no goals, Billy," the therapist stated from behind his desk, "I cannot help you if you have no goals."

Crossing his arms, Billy leaned back into the stiff office chair. "I have goals... you just don't like them."

The therapist looked at him with shrewd eyes. "You have no short-term goals. Ones to improve your mental health..."

"Getting outta this shithole of a town will improve my mental health."

"That's a long-term goal."

"Whatever."

The therapist set his notepad aside. "Look, Billy, I genuinely want to help you, but until you're willing to put some work in there's nothing for us to do."

Billy scoffed, rising to his feet. "Some help you are." He quit the room with the door slamming behind him.

"Fuck 'em," Billy told himself as he drove out of the business lot.

This was stupid. He had goals. He knew exactly what he wanted and how to work for it. He wouldn't let some poindexter in a tweed suit tell him what he was or wasn't capable of.

Weeks passed and things remained the same. Work, drink, smoke, repeat. Billy's mood was foul. Over the past week, Max started avoiding him and Steve started driving by to pick her up.

Digging around in the refrigerator, a lit cigarette in his mouth Billy grumbled as he set to making his lunch for the next day. Bread, pickles, mustard... where's the bologna? Where's the goddamned bologna?

Not pulling his head from inside the fridge Billy asked aloud, "Where'd the meat go?"

Susan looked up from the table, "What?"

"The bologna," Billy stated, poking his head out the door, "where is it?"

"I used the last of it for yesterday's lunches."

Grinding his teeth, Billy chewed into his cigarette, the filter threads spreading across his tongue. "How'm I supposed to make a damn sandwich with no meat?"

Susan looked at him wordlessly.

"Chill out, it's just some cold cuts," Max piped in from the living room, "just buy a burger or something."

Billy slammed the fridge shut, "I shouldn't have to spend my money when you could eat less!"

Max got up from the couch heading toward the kitchen, "Girl's gotta eat..."

Billy met her in the small hall space and breathed smoke into her face. "You wanna eat so bad, go make your own money."

"You need help!" Max snapped.

Billy slammed his fist against the trailer wall startling Max, before he stalked off to his room.

Collapsing onto his bed, he ashed his desiccated cigarette on the dirty plate sitting on his nightstand.

"I fucking need something," he thought to himself.

Which is why he was now here, sitting in this waiting room. Staring blankly at the saltwater fish tank with three fish and a bubbling treasure chest.

"Billy?" A squat woman with large coke bottle glasses was in the doorway.

"Yeah, that's me."

"It's a pleasure to meet you. Come on in."

[dia-souls]

Yall are so talented and good at writting reaction. I know you all are going through bunch of controversy and all that stuff but I gotta admit one thing that you all got talent and honestly as a dl-fan that's what matter to me the most who cares if you did wrong or were misunderstood as dl-fans we all gotta chill and enjoy instead of taking things to hearts and getting angry at each other afterall we all create contents for each other and than fight amongst ourselves lol its so idiotic thing in my opinion but I don't create content so I might not understand I guess. Anyway back to the topic what other project are you working on cuz I just got free from exams and touched tumblr and there are no updates on any novel or cd drama (I repeat I am not complaining don't block me) I am just asking.

🦋 Admins talk:

Thank you very much, dear Anon, for your kind words, we appreciate you very much. To be honest we all were surprised by your words. You're so kind, thanks for your word of encouragement we all really appreciate the way you comforted us. We are happy to know you like our contents.

We didn't try to steal any content. Our main motive wasn't to steal any content. It's a misunderstanding we just didn't want to bother the admin with unnecessary notification because she left fandom and that's why we added slash but anyway things did get out of hand and we were misunderstood unfortunately in future we will avoid doing it because let's be honest if we knew this would happen we wouldn't have done it in the first place. But it's very good to speak with people before judging them. Because sometimes you don't know anything about them and your wrong judgment will break their hearts. We don't want to discuss this issue more we have already explained the reasons, apologized and all stuff......

Anyway we think you are concerned for us, as admin Afra recently had small issues regarding her health but she is back in town and is better now she will start posting soon once she is better. Admin Irsa is going through exam phase. Admin Ava is also busy too. All three admins have already plans to release some of their fics and Drama CDs as soon as they get free from their busy schedule. The thing is that we all are young and students so give us some time we all will update soon. Your asks will also be answered soon.

We must say that all the admins love this fandom and like to continue producing contents as long as they feel safe and happy. It was a new novel that will start on December 1st. But this will happen if the admins have good mental conditions. Admin Afra has bigger plans for new novels and games you can see here and a vey big project that called diabolik lovers series. She is not in a very good condition now. We will have to wait and see what happens in the future. If everything goes well, the new novel will be published soon.

Again thanks for your lovely message! People like you is what that keep us going in this fandom! One more thing none of the admins plan to leave the fandom and in near future too so don't worry we aren't that weak it's just admin Afra issue did surprise us. She is young so do go easy on her as she receives a lot of hate for stupid reasons and just for a misunderstanding. Please give her some time to regain her mental health back. So remember don't judge people when you are not aware of their situations. Before sending any hate message try to speak with them first and remember mabye you are judging them in a wrong way. We all are here to enjoy and all three admins love publishing contents so let us enjoy doing it and be nice that's it.

[bengiyo]

Bed Friend Ep 8 Stray Thoughts

Last time, things came to a terrible head with Krit, who tried to assault Uea in his office and then also tried to ingratiate himself with Uea's mom. Uea broke things off with King after he insinuated that Uea wanted Krit to be gross to him. Uea also told him mom off very loudly and publicly for protecting his abuser. Thankfully, Uea told Jade about what has been going on, and at this point Uea has resigned. He's now taking a trip to get away, but it's clear he's still thinking about King.

I don't know who this aunt is, but she's the first elder we've seen in this show that has any regard for Uea as a person, and is the only elder who has asked if they can touch Uea.

Oh, Uea. You can't text message breakup.

With how bad car violence is in Thailand, it's so alarming to see King trying to use his phone while driving stressed.

King finding out that Uea resigned because Krit finally pushed too far:

Did Net/King use a different accent when he asked for a room?

Honestly, Net and James are the most beautiful acting pairs I've ever seen.

I adore Jade. He's right to call King an idiot and chide him for all of these mixed signals.

I really love the way James embodies Uea. The way he clenches his jaw and steels himself for asking, "Do my feelings matter?" lands so clearly.

I feel like I recognize the actress playing Belle.

I'm glad Belle and King are united against their parents.

These boys talking about the intensity of their feelings. I'm gonna need Uncles Cheep and Dej to come talk to them about making it work long term.

Uea is so good about setting boundaries. It's sad because his are so constantly violated.

Net has a very affective pout.

I like seeing Uea smile in amusement again.

Holy shit that is an enormous statue.

I hope we have some Buddhist fans in the tag, because I'm curious about these rituals we're seeing in the montage.

Krit was really trying to assault an employee in a room with CCTV. This man is disgusting and stupid.

Cheewin did some nice stuff with the shots in the office lounge area.

Okay, I get why they have this confrontation with the CEO, but legitimately I hope this also went to the HR department and people were properly fired.

Did this company not have a sexual harassment policy before this incident?

I'm not a survivor, and would like to know how others feel about the company providing for Uea to seek mental health care.

I'm glad we don't have to hate Mongkol. It's good to show that Mongkol and Krit aren't on the same level, but both believed they could rely on nepotism to do whatever they want. They really just wanted him to contribute to the team.

Once again, James is so beautiful. This outdoor shot in the black and white outfit? GORGEOUS!

'"Because I'm beautiful." He's so right.

We're 43 minutes into the episode and Uea is wearing red again while King is doing everything he can to hold the horny in. Uea knows and is being a menace. I'm sure @respectthepetty is having a blast.

Oh, Uea is going to reveal his trauma to King. No more jokes.

I just really love the way these two talk to each other.

Between this and A Boss and a Babe, I'm glad to see characters taking pills for mental health reasons treated as a normal part of their health care.

Obsessed with the I'm a Weirdo shirt and how it looks like Uea's heart is bleeding, as King wears a black hoodie with a red rose over his heart.

This is uncomfortable, but it's true that Uea is likely not his only victim.

Oh lord, we gotta deal with yet another person hitting on Uea, Sorn's arrest, and King's parents striking back next week.

I'm excited for James and Net to get another show this year. I've deeply enjoyed their scene work together for the last two months.

[elizabethplaid]

what a pill - daily notes, nov 26, 2024

Short list, then blather under the cut:

Made cat calendar, yay

Lindt truffles

Rx refill trouble, but not an emergency yet

upcoming trauma-versary

TL;DR on mental health: Refilling prescriptions is a pain. Keeping an eye on things due to meds and trauma-versary. Trying to be patient with myself. I have support in place and will have meals prepped.

--- Dad approved the cat calendar, saying it's the "best one yet". I disagree, as some of the kitten pics were very good, as was last year's. Idk if I've posted all the past ones before, so I'll double-check my tags, reblog what I have, then post what I forgot.

--- Dad keeps buying huge quantities of Lindt's Lindor truffles each year. Like, he just bought 2 sets of pick-300, because they were on sale. Seems like we each got 250, then set aside the rest for gifts. I gave up another 50, because I felt like being generous.

So far, I've tried the maple and cheesecake flavors and enjoyed both. We got snickerdoodle and some odd white-choc again, and I picked out some other new-to-me flavors. I put my stash-box on top of the fridge, so it's more work for me to reach them. Dad's like, "Don't inhale them; they've gotta last the whole season." It took me a long time to eat last year's stash, and I gave a bunch to my library friends, even after their initial gifts.

--- In prescription news, I'm short on pills. I have been on the same meds for like 15+ years now, and I only last fucked with the dosage back in 2017. I just... Please let me keep a bunch at home, so I'm not running out. I left a message with my doc over the weekend, and I don't think they've called in the Rx yet. And I should've called it in a week earlier, but I misread my bottle, thinking I had another refill.

It's one of the meds that I take 2 dosages for, so I'm somewhat able to supplement. But like, this is stupid. And my insurance isn't letting me get 3-months per refill anymore. (They even put up a fuss for auto-refills on one med? But that seems to be reversed now.)

--Because I had a day where I missed one med (it's since been refilled) and I'm having issues with this other one, I'm keeping an eye on my mood and mental health. It's a trauma-versary this weekend, so I'm already on-edge. The trauma has been a factor in of this year's mental health journey, amid reconnecting mind and body.

The inner-tension I get when I think about it feels more fresh now, rather than feeling resigned or resolved in other recent-years. It's the body sensations, remembering the memory in my nerves. Like, the emotions and betrayal seem fairly resolved. I'm having to approach this in a way that's unfamiliar to me, just as scary as all the other body-sensation stuff from earlier this year.

Phone-friend has already offered support, and we have our usual call this weekend. My dad's thinking of visiting a friend in Boston, who is in the hospital, that day, too. And we'll have Thanksgiving leftovers, so I won't starve by myself, haha.

I can cope well by distracting myself, yes. This year's mild bravery and "ready to face the challenge" attitude is helping, too, making me want to try finding the words for things. My counselor had the best advice last week: You have to take care of yourself first before you can change bigger things. Whatever smalls bits of self-care that are possible will help the bigger things develop more easily. Oof, it's tough to not be so hard on myself, especially after this year's setbacks.

TL;DR on mental health: Refilling prescriptions is a pain. Keeping an eye on things due to meds and trauma-versary. Trying to be patient with myself. I have support in place and will have meals prepped.

[regulus-needs-swimminglessons]

Holy fucking shit the new Protocol episode (10) dropped and boy do I have some things to say

As always spoilers under the cut

*swirls around episode like one would wine in a fancy glass * yes yes do I taste hints of The Stranger perhaps? With a note of The Web. A very good year that's for sure

But oh well creepy ass mascots aside

MY HUSBAND IS BACK! I was really worried about the "mental health leave" thing, wouldn't have put it past Jonny and Alex to kill him of but nope my darling is fine and grumpy and scottish as ever, glad to see it ^^

Now I am very confused about Gwen, why does she want this job so badly? Like it doesn't seem all that great a job. It's just some random government department. There must be something more going on I just don't understand what

Then of course Alice and Sam going to the Institute ruins which is really fucking stupid in my humble opinion. But I do love their friendship so much. Now I might be wrong here but did Sam swear???? I'm like 98% sure I heard him say "suck it" at 21:39??? Love, are you allowed to do that???

Now I need to know more about Sam's background with the Institute, he said something about a program to Gerry in the other episode I thought he was lying to get information but it seems like he really did participate in it and saw something. Could it be related to The Eye? I know fears don't work the same in this other universe but come on it's the Institute there gotta be something Eye related

The whispers at the end, can someone tell my what they said? Because my hearing is kinda shit and I missed the whispers in Lost John's Cave in the Magnus Archives too until I saw a post about it on here. So some one gotta help me out pls ;-;

I'm so sad their going on hiatus. I completely understand why they do but I need moreeee. I binged all the TMA episodes in like 2 months I can't deal with all the waiting;-;

If any of you have any theories I'd love to hear them ^^