#now I gotta add Vanessa and Mike and to list

[littler3d]

You know what, I like the fact that the FNAF movie confuses the lore even more. Scott Cawthon is committed to his sins, and managed to mess up the timeline even more. A true nostalgia piece, confusion and all

[dustedmagazine]

Music for Films, Vol. II: Chick Habit

For good and for ill, Quentin Tarantino’s movies have been strongly associated with postmodern pop culture — particularly by folks whose reactions to the word “postmodern” tend toward pursed lips and school-marmishly wagged fingers. There for a while, reading David Denby on Tarantino was similar to reading Michiko Kakutani on Thomas Pynchon: almost always the same review, the same complaints about characters lacking “psychological depth,” the same handwringing over an ostensible moral insipidness. Truth be told, Tarantino’s pranksome delight with flashy surfaces and stylistic flourishes that are ends in themselves gives tentative credence to some of the caviling. Critics have raised related concerns over the superficiality of Tarantino’s tendency toward stunt casting, especially his resurrections of aging actors relegated to the film industry’s commercial margins: John Travolta, Pam Grier, Robert Forster, David Carradine, Darryl Hannah, Don Johnson and so on. There might be a measure of cynicism in the accompanying cinematic nudging and winking, but it’s also the case that a number of the performances have been terrific.

The writer-director brings a similar sensibility to his sound-tracking choices, demonstrating the cooler-than-thou, deep-catalog knowledge of an obsessive crate-digger. Tarantino thematized that knowledge in his break-through feature, Reservoir Dogs (1992). Throughout the film, the characters tune in to Steven Wright deadpanning as the deejay of “K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the Seventies”; like the characters, the viewer transforms into a listener, treated to such fare as the George Baker Selection’s “Little Green Bag” (1970) and Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut” (1971). As with the above-mentioned actors, Tarantino has sifted pop culture’s castoffs and detritus, unearthing songs and delivering experiences of renewed value — and thereby proving the keenness of his instincts and aesthetic wit. “Listen to (or look at) this!” he seems to say, with his cockeyed, faux-incredulous grin. “Can you believe you were just going to throw this out?” And mostly, it works. If the Blue Swede’s “Hooked on a Feeling” (1974) has become a sort of semi-ironized accompaniment to hipsterish good times, that resonance has a lot more to do with Tim Roth, Harvey Keitel and Co. cruising L.A. in a hulking American sedan than with the Disney Co.’s Guardians of the Galaxy (2014).

In Death Proof (2007), Tarantino’s seventh film and unaccountably his least favorite, soundtrack and screen are both full to bursting with the flotsam and jetsam of “entertainment” conceived as an industry. 

In just the opening minutes, we see outmoded moviehouse announcements, complete with cigarette-burn cue dots; big posters of Brigitte Bardot from Les Bijoutiers du claire de lune (1958) and of Ralph Nelson’s Soldier Blue (1970) bedecking the apartment of Jungle Julia (Sydney Tamiia Poitier); the tee shirt worn by Shanna (Jordan Ladd), which bears the image of Tura Satana; and strutting under all of it are the brassy cadences of Jack Nitzsche’s “The Last Race,” taken from his soundtrack for the teensploitation flick Village of the Giants (1965). Bibs and bobs, bits and pieces of low- and middle-brow cinema are cut up and reconstructed into a fulsome swirl of signs. And there’s an unpleasant edge to it; the cuts are echoed by the action of the camera, which has been busily cleaving the bodies of the women on screen into fragments and parts. First the feet of Arlene (Vanessa Ferlito), propped up on a dashboard; then Julia, all ass and gams; then Arlene’s lower half again, chopped into slices by the stairs she dashes up (“I gotta take the world’s biggest fucking piss!”) and by the close-up that settles on her belly and pelvis, her hand shoved awkwardly into her crotch. 

As often happens in Tarantino’s movies, furiously busy meta-discursive play collapses the images’ problematic content under multiple levels of reference and pastiche. The film is one half of Grindhouse (2007), Tarantino’s collaboration with his buddy Robert Rodriguez, an old-fashioned double-feature comprising the men’s love letters to the exploitation cinema of the 1960s and 1970s. In those thousands of movies — mondo, beach-cutie, nudie-cutie, women in prison, early slasher, rape-revenge, biker gang, chop-socky, Spaghetti Western and muscle-car-worship flicks (and we could add more subgenres to the list) — symbolic violence inflicted on women’s bodies was de rigueur, and frequently the principal draw. Tarantino shot Death Proof himself, so he is (more than usually) directly responsible for all the framing and focusing — and he’s far too canny a filmmaker not to know precisely what he’s doing with and to those bodies. The excessive, camera-mediated gashing and trimming is a knowing, perhaps deprecating nod to all that previous, gratuitous T&A. His sound-tracking choice of “The Last Race” metaphorically underscores the point: in Bert I. Gordon’s Village of the Giants, bikini-clad teens find and consume an experimental growth serum, which causes them to expand to massive proportions. Really big boobs, actual acres of ass. Get it?

Of course, all the implied japing and judging is deeply embedded in the film’s matrix of esoteric references and fleeting allusions. You’d have to be very well versed in the history of exploitation cinema to pick up on the indirect homage to Gordon’s goofy movie. But as in Reservoir Dogs, Tarantino doesn’t just gesture, he dramatizes, folding an authoritative geekdom into the action of Death Proof. In the set-up to Death Proof’s notorious car crash scene, Julia is on the phone, instructing one of her fellow deejays to play “Hold Tight!” (1966) by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich. Don’t recognize the names? “For your information,” Julia snorts, Pete Townsend briefly considered abandoning the Who, and he thought about joining the now-obscure beat band, to make it “Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich & Pete. And if you ask me, he should have.”

It’s among the most gruesomely violent sequences in Tarantino’s films (which do not run short on graphic bloodshed), and Julia receives its most spectacular punishment. Those legs and that rump, upon which the camera has lavished so much attention, are torn apart. Her right leg flips, flies and slaps the pavement, a hunk of suddenly flaccid meat. Again, Tarantino proves himself an adept arranger of image, sign and significance. Want to accuse him of fetishizing Julia’s legs? He’ll materialize the move, reducing the limb to a manipulable fragment, and he’ll invest the moment with all of the intrinsic violence of the fetish. He’ll even do you one better — he’ll make that violence visible. Want to watch? You better buckle up and hold tight. 

Hold on a second. “Hold Tight”? The soundtrack has passed over from intertextual in-joke to cruel punchline. It doesn’t help that the song is so much fun, and that it’s fun watching the girls groove along to it, just before Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell) obliterates them, again and again and again. The awful insistence of the repetition is another set-up, establishing the film’s narrative logic: the repeated pattern and libidinal charge-and-release of Stuntman Mike’s vehicular predations. It is, indeed, “a sex thing,” as Sheriff Earl McGraw (Michael Parks) informs us in his cartoonish, redneck lawman’s drawl. Soon the sexually charged repetitions pile up: see Abernathy’s (Rosario Dawson) feet hanging out of Kim’s (Tracie Thom) 1972 Mustang, in a visual echo of Arlene’s, and of Julia’s. Then listen to Lee (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) belt out some of Smith’s cover of “Baby It’s You” (1969), which we most recently heard 44 minutes before, as Julia danced ecstatically by the Texas Chili Bar’s jukebox. Then watch Abernathy as she sees Stuntman Mike’s tricked-out ’71 Nova, a vibrating hunk of metallic machismo — just like Arlene saw it, idling menacingly back in Austin, with another snatch of “Baby It’s You” wisping through that moment’s portent. 

For a certain kind of viewer, the Nova’s low-slung, growling charms are hard to resist, as is the sleazy snarl of Willy DeVille’s “It’s So Easy” (1980; and we might note that Jack Nitzsche produced a couple of Mink DeVille’s early records, connecting another couple strands in the web) on the Nova’s car stereo. Those prospective pleasures raise the question of just who the film is for. That may seem obvious: the same folks — dudes, mostly — who find pleasure in exploitation movies like Vanishing Point (1971), Satan’s Sadists (1969) or The Big Doll House (1971). But there are a few other things to account for, like how Death Proof repeatedly passes the Bechdel Test, and how long those scenes of conversation among women go on, and on. Most notable is the eight-minute diner scene, a single take featuring Abernathy, Kim, Lee and Zoë (Zoë Bell, doing a cinematic rendition of her fabulous self, an instance of stunt casting that literalizes the “stunt” part). Among other things, the women discuss their careers in film, the merits of gun ownership and Kim and Zoë’s love of (you guessed it) car chase movies like Vanishing Point. One could read that as a liberatory move, a suggestion that cinema of all kinds is open to all comers. All that’s required is a willingness to watch. But watching the diner scene becomes increasing claustrophobic. The camera circles the women’s table incessantly, and on the periphery of the shot, sitting at the diner’s counter, is Stuntman Mike. The circling becomes predatory, the threat seems pervasive. 

If you’ve seen the film, you know how that plays out: Zoë and Kim play “ship’s mast” on a white 1970 Dodge Challenger (the Vanishing Point car); Stuntman Mike shows up and terrorizes them mercilessly; but then Abernathy, Zoë and Kim chase him down and beat the living shit out of him, likely fatally. In another sharply conceived cinematic maneuver, Tarantino executes a climactic sequence that inverts the diner scene: the women surround Stuntman Mike, abject and pleading, and punch and kick him as he bounces from one of them to another. The camera zips from vantage to vantage within the circle, deliriously tracking the action. All the jump cuts intensify the violence, and they provide another contrast to the diner’s scene’s silky, unbroken shot. The sounds and the impact of the blows verge on slapstick, and our identification with the women makes it a giddily gross good time.

So, an inversion seeks to undo repetition. Certainly, Stuntman Mike’s intent to repeat the car-crash-kill-thrill is undone, and predator becomes prey. But, as is inevitable with Tarantino’s cinema, there are complications, other echoes and patterns to suss out. For instance: as the women stride toward the wrecked Nova, while Stuntman Mike pathetically wails, the camera zooms in on their asses. Bad asses? Nice asses? What’s the right nomenclature? To make sure we can put the shot together with Julia’s first appearance in the film, Abernathy has hiked up her skirt, revealing a lot of leg. Repetition reasserts itself. In an exacerbating circumstance, Harvey Weinstein’s grubby fingerprints are smeared onto the film. Rodriguez’s Troublemaker Studios is credited with production of Grindhouse, but Dimension Films, a Weinstein Brothers company, handled distribution.  

When the film cuts to its end titles, we hear April March’s “Chick Habit” (1995), with its spot-on lyric: “Hang up the chick habit / Hang it up, daddy / Or you’ll never get another fix.” And so on. Even here, where the girl-power vibe feels strongest (cue Abernathy burying a bootheel in Stuntman Mike’s face), there are echoes, patterns. Note how the striding bassline of “Chick Habit” strongly recalls the pulse beating through Nitzsche’s “The Last Race.” Note that March’s song is a cover, of “Laisse tomber les filles,” originally recorded by yé-yé girl France Gall. The song was penned by Serge Gainsbourg, pop provocateur and notorious womanizer. The two collaborated again, releasing “Les Sucettes,” a tune about a teeny-bopper who really likes sucking on lollipops, when Gall was barely 18; the accompanying scandal nearly torpedoed her career. Gall refused to ever sing another song by Gainsbourg, and disavowed her hits.  

Again, that’s all deeply embedded, somewhere in the film’s complicated play of pop irony and double-entendre and the sudden explosions of delight and disgust that intermittently reveal and conceal. Again, you’d have to know your pop history really well to catch up with the complications, and Death Proof moves so fast that there’s always another reference or allusion demanding your attention as the cars growl and the blood spurts. Too many signs to track, too many signals to decipher — that’s the postmodern. But perhaps we have become too glib, assuming that all signs are somehow equivalent. Death Proof insists otherwise. Much has been made of the film’s strange relation to digital filmmaking, of the sort that Rodriguez has made a career out of. Part of Grindhouse’s shtick is its goofball applications of CGI, all the scratches and skips and flaws that the filmmakers lovingly applied. They are digital effects, masquerading as damaged celluloid. Tarantino cut back against that grain, filming as much of the car chase’s maniacal stuntwork in meatspace as he safely could. Purposeful practical filmmaking, for a digitally enhanced cinematic experience, attempting to mimic the ways real film interacts with the physical environment and its manifold histories. Is that clever, or just more cultural clutter?  

Amid all the clutter that crowds the characters onscreen, and their conversations in the film’s field of sound, it can be easy to lose track of the distinctions between appearances and the traces of the real bodies that worked to bring Death Proof to life. Which is why Tarantino’s inclusion of Bell is so crucial. She provides another inversion: Instead of masking her individual presence, doing stunts for other actresses in their clothes and hair (for Lucy Lawless in Xena: Warrior Princess, or for Uma Thurman in Tarantino’s Kill Bill films), Bell is herself, doing what she does best, projecting the technical elements of filmmaking — usually meant to bleed seamlessly into illusion — right onto the surface of the screen. And instead of allowing one group of girls to slip into a repeated pattern, bodies easily exchanged for other bodies, Bell’s presence and its implicit insistence on her particularity (who else can move like she does?) breaks up the superficial logic of cinema’s market for the feminine. She disrupts its chick habit. There’s only one woman like her. 

Jonathan Shaw

[hellyeahomeland]

“Two Minutes”: an  HYH recap

The episode opens as Carrie takes a we-should-really-retire-this-phrase-but “whore’s bath” in what has to be the most poorly lit bathroom in the history of the universe. For some unknown reason she’s watching the news, which is definitely a thing one should do in a crisis to relieve stress. Side note but throughout the show’s entire run they’ve had a fake cable news station called CNB and I appreciate that it’s stuck it out in this imaginary universe for as long as we have.

Somewhere in the Korengal, Max is very sweaty and very tired and—surprise!—still carrying around that flight recorder in his backpack like a hero. The Taliban soldier stops their mountainside trek for a bit to pee. Max sees a plane (or drone?) flying overhead and begins shouting and runs off. A scuffle ensues, Max kicks him flat on his back. We are surprised Max has it in him but, again, hero. All this comes to a gasp-inducing end when the Taliban shoulder shoots Max from behind in the shoulder, the place where everyone on this show ends up getting shot (literally, left shoulder, what is it with this??). He falls to the ground with a thud.

Back at the White House, HIOHHP steps into the Oval Office to give a short address. Linus touches every inch of his face while he looks on.

HIOHHP: Good evening, America. In the words of Shaggy, it wasn’t me.

It’s over after about 20 seconds and HIOHHP and Linus get the fuck outta there and head into the situation room and everyone gets up when he enters and blah blah blah. They’re having technical difficulties connecting to Kabul station, which I take it is something that happens quite frequently at the CIA.

In Kabul station, Carrie asks Saul—for what is probably the eleventy hundredth time—where is Max and is he alive and who is looking for him?? Carrie has no concept of making herself less annoying while everyone is still wondering why the heck she’s stuck around in Kabul this long but THAT IS WHY WE LOVE CARRIE.

Carrie goes and finds another person to annoy, this time poor Lonnie in the computer room. Lonnie is, what’s the phrase, Totally Over It. She badgers him with questions about the phone calls they’re listening to, wanting to know if there’s been anything about Max. She asks for the keywords in the audio that trigger some sort of automated something or other. The words on this list are the names of various mass transit systems in America (??), countries in the Middle East, and ominous noun/verbs like “bomb,” “murder,” and “attack.” Carrie quite astutely points out that they’re NOT THAT DUMB. Lonnie is basically like, “if you want to add more words, be my guest. Also who are you again??”

Keyword list in hand, Carrie heads back onto the main floor just in time to eavesdrop on the arrival of Vanessa Kroll, who is leading the FBI investigation of Just What the Fuck Happened Out Here, Guys?! We can tell right away that she Means Business because she asks for a room with doors that close. Shouldn’t this be every room in Kabul station? Anyway, Carrie overhears the whole thing and has a bit of an “oh shit” look on her face, probably because she’s been meeting with Yevgeny in secret for God knows how long and oh! the CIA are thisclose (actually they’re finished, but she doesn’t know that) to learning what was actually said at her meeting with Yevgeny a few days ago.

Despite all of this, Carrie could really use some fresh air, so she hops on her motorcycle. I know it’s a stunt double and not actually Claire Danes riding this thing but IT IS SO BADASS THAT CARRIE JUST KNOWS HOW TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE. And she really does. She weaves in and out of traffic with ease. And she also has to reroute herself several times, which is how we know she’s been to the place she’s going at least a few times before. And where is that? YEVGENY’S PLACE, which would be a cool name for a mid-90s sitcom. Anyhoozles, he opens the door like, “oh, you again?” and she barges right in because—I repeat—they’ve done this before.

Carrie: First things first, this is definitely the beginning of an arrangement, despite what I’m saying now. Yevgeny: I’m so tall that I’m literally leaning my elbow on this china cabinet. Carrie: Remember that time you took away my meds and I went totally crazy and then tried to kill myself? Yevgeny: Yeah, I saved you. Carrie: Ok, well saving me wasn’t the actual favor. What I’m asking for now is. Yevgeny: I’m listening. Carrie: My friend, Max, my ONLY friend, is missing. I think the Taliban have him. I have to save him. Yevgeny: Damn, I’m surprised you have a friend. Carrie: I know you have contacts in the Korengal. Can you figure out where he is? Yevgeny: On one condition! Carrie: Which is? Yevgeny: You need to break into the computer room at the CIA and cut off the surveillance over the region, otherwise my contact is gonna get bombed to oblivion right after I call him. Carrie: First, I’m amused you think I even know how to do something in a computer room. Second, no way! Yevgeny: Ok, then I can’t help you. Carrie: But—! Yevgeny: Look, you came to me. I’m not making you do anything. It’s a phone call, two minutes. All I’m asking for is two minutes. Carrie: Hey, I said that line once… I can’t fucking believe this is happening to me and I further can’t believe how attracted I am to you right now. I need to take a few steps backward otherwise I don’t know what might happen. Yevgeny: I’m just gonna lean over here since I know you like when guys lean. Carrie: FINE. I’LL DO IT. Be ready at 3pm. I hope our watches are synchronized.

Over at the presidential palace, G’ulom is asking Saul and resident hottie Scott Ryan where Haqqani is. He’s convinced the Americans have him. They go back and forth about the 300 Taliban soldiers G’ulom has locked up in a soccer stadium without food or water. He’s gonna murder them all soon, they’re pretty sure. Anyway they all hate each other and Saul doesn’t even have the will to pretend anymore. He straight up accuses G’ulom of crashing both the helicopters so he could become President. Phew! G’ulom says they can both gtfo and they do.

Carrie returns to Kabul station for her interview with Vanessa Kroll, which lasts about 30 seconds and she stops just short of being like, “wait you’re not gonna arrest me now?” Give it time, Carrie. Give it time.

…Because Mike is finally listening to the recording of Carrie’s conversation at the mosque with Yevgeny. And it’s even worse now, mostly out of context, and given that Carrie fully lied on her contact report. Mike says things like “fucking Christ.” Jenna, God bless her, thinks maybe Yevgeny is lying and also totally understands why Carrie would lie about all this. Mike wants to report this up the chain but decides to sit with it a while.

Somewhere in Afghanistan, Max is—thank God!!!!—still alive, asleep on a mattress in some random dude’s house. The Taliban soldier picks up his backpack and takes it into town to sell off some of those Hot American Goodz. But not the flight recorder! No one knows what that weird red box even is for. It’s promptly moved to the back of the shop and put on the junk shelf.

In Kabul, Haqqani remains hidden, also in some random dude’s house. Random dude informs him that G’ulom has a million dollar bounty on his head and if he doesn’t turn himself in he’s gonna murder everyone in the soccer stadium, so Scott Ryan was correct. What a quandary!

HIOHHP is in the Oval Office and Linus has rolled up his sleeves so you know shit is getting real. Saul and Scott inform them that G’ulom is gonna murder all these people without due process, which is totally against their constitution. If that happens, they’ll see a wave of insurgency that will once again completely destabilize the country. Which means more troops. Remember two days ago when we were so close to peace? HIOHHP needs to get on the phone with G’ulom ASAP to make sure this doesn’t happen and he can start by threatening to withhold all aid from them.

He agrees to get on the phone and then has a highly hilarious exchange with Linus where they say the word “G’ulom” over and over and fuck, this show is funny again!

The phone call, however, is a bust. HIOHHP plays right into G’ulom’s hand. He says things like “no” when he really means “yes” and just repeats Saul’s talking points, only less coherently, and by the end G’ulom gets him to agree that they gotta murder all these Taliban soldiers immediately since it will be a defining ~presidential moment~. Linus nearly falls out of his chair. Bet Elizabeth Keane is looking pretty great now, huh? I hope she’s enjoying an extended Caribbean vacation.

It is 14:52 which means Carrie has eight minutes until she needs to do something with computers. Jenna attempts to follow her, but Carrie catches on. Jenna is actually inches away from Carrie’s door when she opens it, asks smartly if she needs anything, before Jenna makes up a lie so bad Carrie could have come up with it. I am starting to feel badly for Jenna because she cannot do literally anything she’s supposed to.

Carrie makes her way to the computer room and once again we are treated to some high comedy. She gets Lonnie to print something for her and purposely causes a paper jam in the computer. Lonnie remains Totally Over It but Carrie causes just enough of a diversion to cut off the surveillance to the Korengal region. I know what you’re thinking: this is so unbelievable! The wires would never be out in the open, unlocked, where just anyone could disconnect them. Unfortunately, I totally believe this is how the CIA operates. And also, Carrie could never do something with a computer! On that point, you are right. Anyway, two minutes pass and she reconnects the wire and gets her stack of paper so it was a pretty good day for Carrie!

Oh wait…. Mike decides to bring his concerns to Saul. Carrie and Yevgeny have met, he recorded their conversation, she fully lied about what they said, and it’s all Very Concerning and he thinks that Carrie may have unwittingly helped Yevgeny assassinate Beau! Saul very evenly says “I am going to have to listen to that tape.”

Haqqani decides that he will turn himself in, only to the Americans, not to G’ulom. Because then he’ll get a trial, and everything always turns out cool when you trust the Americans. He must not know Saul’s not running this dealio anymore. Everyone looks at him like he’s crazy and I must stress that this show making me feel badly for Haissam Haqqani is messing with me.

Later, Saul, having just listened to The Tape, knocks on Carrie’s door.

Saul: Let me cut to the chase. What the fuck’s going on with you and Yevgeny? Carrie: Did Mike brainwash you? Saul: Just answer me. Carrie: Lies, lies, lies, more lies. Saul: I know you just said lies. I heard the tape. Carrie: Fuck, the tape. You heard all of it? Saul: Yes. Look, this is all my fault. Carrie: Yeah, I know. Wait, how…? Saul: It was my idea to bring you here and now look what’s happened. Carrie: Jesus, can we stop talking like I’m a child? Saul: No we cannot! Look, here are the facts. You had a relationship with Yevgeny complicated enough to lie about. We’ve literally been here before. Secondly, he saved your life. Even you would feel indebted to him an eensy bit. Carrie: Ok when you put it that way, it sounds really bad. Saul: You told him about Franny. That you thought you were a danger to her. Is that true? Carrie: Goddammit, Saul, you know that’s my trigger… Saul: You never told me these things! How can we be in a codependent relationship if you keep from me things that you know I would absolutely judge you for? Carrie: I’m still putting the pieces together. I’m not trying to be evasive, I literally don’t remember everything. Saul: Yeah, that’s why you have to leave, pronto. Back to Germany. Say hi to Otto for me. Carrie: Absolutely not, I can’t leave Max behind. I sent him here. I mean, actually you did, but I have a thing where I feel guilty about things that aren’t really my fault. Saul: CARRIE, PLEASE JESUS. You look guilty AS FUCK. You talked Warner into coming here. You knew for an hour after meeting him where he was going. That’s enough time to make a phone call! Carrie: This is bullshit. Saul: Of course it’s bullshit, but the FBI needs a scapegoat and baby, you’re it! Carrie: Idgaf. Doing everything we can to find Max means keeping me here because Yevgeny has a lead, I just talked to him. Let me call him back! Saul: I want… to take a nap.

It’s… a devastating, climactic scene. In the way Saul pleads with Carrie, and she pleads back with him. So layered in all they’ve gone through the last seven seasons and beyond…

He thinks Yevgeny is trying to recruit her, just telling her what she wants to hear. She says that’s not what’s happening. They’re at an impasse and Saul finally just tells her she’s getting on that fucking plane to Germany willingly or in handcuffs. (There’s a third option he doesn’t yet know about.)

Thirty minutes later, Carrie does have her shit and is ready to leave. She smiles at Saul, which is how he should have known something was up. She gets in the car and, would ya look at that! Haqqani is surrendering himself in front of the embassy at this exact moment! Guess we’ll see where that ends up.

Elsewhere, Max has finally woken up. No he’s not ok. He was just shot! But his backpack is gone and he needs it back. The flight recorder! Cut to a long procession of donkeys carrying cargo through a mountainous valley. They have all sorts of stuff strapped to their backs including one red flight recorder! And the Emmy for Best Comedy Series goes to… Homeland!! Much applause!!

At the airport, Carrie wishes Jenna good luck, which is Carrie code for “fuck you and lose my number.” She scans her boarding pass and goes onto the jetway with the other passengers. Jenna continues her string of having one fucking job and failing at it because she departs soon after.

Right on cue, Carrie activates the aforementioned third option and makes a sharp right turn off that jetway, down a staircase, out onto the road below. and into the car of Yevgeny, ever punctual. He gives her a look like “damn I missed you,” before they both speed off.

[norxhwrites]

Below the cut you will find my roleplay masterlist. It contains three lists of: Wanted Opposites, Wanted Fcs, and Wanted Plots. If any of these fcs or plots interest you either: Message me, heart this, or write a starter and I’ll reply to it!

Below the cut you will find my roleplay masterlist. It contains three lists of: Wanted Opposites, Wanted Fcs, and Wanted Plots. If any of these fcs or plots interest you either: Message me, heart this, or write a starter and I’ll reply to it!

So, I know that face claims aren’t everything, and that looks don’t make a character, but these are some faces I’d like to play opposite of.

Jon Bernthal

Jason Momoa

Charlie Weber

Ben Barnes

DJ Cotrona

Charlie Hunnam

Jessica Sula

Skeet Ulrich

Troian Bellisario

Shay Mitchell

Monica Raymund

Jon Seda

Chloe Bennet

Michael Ealy

Jesse Williams

Shemar Moore

Jesse Lee Soffer

Alicia Vikander

Priyanka Chopra

Crystal Reed

Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Willa Holland

Arden Cho

Ricky Whittle

Dacre Montgomery

Margot Robbie

Theo James

Katheryn Winnick

Faces I’d like to play/test out! (They will become test characters, and if I like them, I’ll add them to my muse page!)

Female

Ana De Armas

Shelley Hennig

Caity Lotz

Monica Raymund

Charlotte Spencer

Alexandra Park

Gabriella Wilde

Shailene Woodley

Naomi Scott

Lindsey Morgan

Leah Pipes

Chyler Leigh

Leighton Meester

Rachelle Lefevre

Torrey Devitto

Tina Desai

Emily Browning

Jamie Clayton

Alicia Vikander

Adria Arjona

Emily Kinney

Diane Guerrero

Hayley Kiyoko

Maisie Richardson Sellers

Sophia Bush

Meaghan Rath

Gina Rodriguez

Vanessa Morgan

Ginny Gardner

Emilia Clarke

Jessica Chastain

Brianna Hildebrand

Danielle Campbell

Male;

Taylor Kinney

Jai Courtney

Hayden Christensen

Jack Falahee

Henry Cavill

Aaron Taylor Johnson

Tom Hiddleston

amadeus serafini

Mike Vogel

Taron Egerton

Shiloh Fernandez

Charles Melton

Ewan Mcgregor

Ben Barnes

Richard Madden

Tom Maden

Max Riemelt

Jesse Williams

Charlie Weber

Boyd Holbrook

Nick Gehlfuss

William Moseley

Aaron Tveit

Manish Dayal

Now, these are some storylines I’ve written and would love to try out! (though some of them I’ve lost muse for!) Some of these are based off of tv shows, movies, books, etc.

Behaving Badly -

[ Muse A ] never stood a chance. Even though they grew up in a decent household, they were always drawn to things they shouldn’t have been, and people who they should have stayed away from. Bad choice after bad choice led [ Muse A ] into a spiral of uncontrollable destruction. They seemed to destroy everything they touched, including their relationship with their family, their ability to have a career, or find love. Until [ Muse B ] came into the picture. Attracted to danger as much as [ Muse A ], [ Muse B ] was equally as screwed up, and just as good at being bad. After months, or even years on the road, stealing and cheating their way through the country, [ Muse A ] realizes that perhaps [ Muse B ] was better at being bad then they were, so much in that they they’ve begin to wonder exactly what they’ve gotten themselves into. [ Muse A ] misses their family, and wonders if they’re able to go back and start over. [ Muse B ]’s only family is their partner in crime, and they’ll do anything to make sure they stay together. Can this modern day Bonnie and Clyde (Clyde and Clyde/Bonnie and Bonnie) give up their wicked ways? or will they continue their bad behavior?

 Come Back Home -

[ Muse A ] is married to a member of the Military. They’re a loyal spouse who’s done everything they can to support [ Muse B ], though things have changed. They aren’t the love struck teenagers they were when they got married right out of high school. They’re different, [ Muse A ] is lonely, and [ Muse B ] finds it difficult to talk about the things they’ve seen and done. They’ve done everything they can to make things work and things don’t look like they’re every going to change. But when [ Muse B ] is medically discharged from the their Unit, [ Muse A ] looks at it like a second chance for them to get things right. [ Muse B ] is still haunted by their past, and [ Muse A ] is still unsure of how to help, but maybe their lives can get better?

 Wrong Side of the Tracks -

In a town were deep prejudice divides their residents, [ Muse A ] is the perfect child of the towns Sheriff/Mayor etc. They’ve always been the type to make their parents proud and do exactly what they’re told. [ Muse B ] is bad news, or at least everyone says so. Accused of a horrific crimes and basically driven out of town, [ Muse B ] has returned after a few years, and the rumor mill begins again. When [ Muse B ] meets [ Muse A ], they click instantly. [ Muse A ] is curious, and wants to know if the rumors are true, and [ Muse B ] sees [ Muse A ] as a pure light among all of the terrible people that live in their town. But when a student from the nearby college goes missing, all fingers point to [ Muse B ]. [ Muse A ] knows that [ Muse B ] couldn’t have done anything wrong, and wants to prove their innocence. [ Muse B ] refuses to allow [ Muse A ] to get involved, and begins to push them away. [ Muse A ] begins to do their best to find out what really happened, but instead finds a web of lies that tie into the towns Authorities, and a cover up of the crime [ Muse B ] was accused of years ago.

 The End -

[ Muse A ] has given them a chance. Over and over again they’ve tried to see past all of the lying and cheating, but [ Muse B ] just doesn’t seem to want to change. They don’t seem to see the wrong in their actions, and no matter how hard [ Muse A ] tries to work things out, there’s only so much a single person can do. So this is it, the end. [ Muse A ] is ready to walk out the door and never look back. Unfortunately, [ Muse B ] finally believes it, and can’t bare the thought. So, [ Muse A ] has given one more chance. One. [ Muse B ] must prove to them that they’ve changed and that everything is going to be better, or [ Muse A ] is gone.

 California Dreaming -

[ Muse A ] is living the California Dream. Surfing all afternoon, partying all night, sleeping all morning and repeat, nothing can make this dream any better. Until they meet [ Muse B ]. [ Muse B ] fits perfectly into [ Muse A ]’s laid back, carefree lifestyle and the two fall for each other very quickly. As the two get to know each other, [ Muse A ] realizes they don’t know  [ Muse B ] as much as they thought. [ Muse B ] is involved in some very shady, very illegal things, that don’t exactly fit into [ Muse A ]’s lifestyle. Dragged into a world of drugs, violence, and sex, [ Muse A ]’s life is turned upside down when they get caught up in an investigation into [ Muse B ] and the people they work with. They California Dream turns into a nightmare, and the only way out is to leave that world behind, but can they without getting dragged back in by their feelings for [ Muse B ]?

 Defiance | 1940s Setting |-

[Muse A] is a Jewish person living in early 1940s Belarus. German Nazis have ordered the execution of all Jewish people living in the ghettos. [Muse A] witnesses the murder of their family before they flee to the Naliboki Forest, a large rural landscape covering a large portion of Belarus. That is where [Muse A] meets [Muse B], another Jewish escapee fleeing from the Nazi soldiers. The two set up camp along with multiple other Jewish men, women and children fleeing Nazi controlled areas. They begin stealing from local farms, hunting, and moving their camp in order to stay alive. As winter approaches, the group must learn to survive sickness, starvation, and perhaps even betrayal as the Nazi soldiers begin to close in on the camp’s location. Getting caught is not an option, it means death for the entire group.

 A Summer Affair  -

[ Muse A ] and [ Muse B ] are from two different worlds, yet they found themselves vacationing at the same place for a couple of weeks during the summer. After weeks of hot, passionate romance the two say goodbye in order to get back to their normal, boring lives and normal, boring jobs. [ Muse A ] is a recent college graduate who’s in need of a job. [ Muse B ] is the CEO of a huge company and is in need of an assistant. Not knowing [ Muse B ] runs the company, [ Muse A ] applies for the job. [ Muse B ] is now [ Muse A ]’s boss, not to mention they have a life that [ Muse A ] wasn’t told about during their summer fling. Now, [ Muse A ] must do all they can to keep the job they desperately need, while juggling feelings for their boss, keeping the secret of their summer affair from their coworkers, and deciding if they want to rekindle the spark between them and [Muse B].

You Mind as Well Go to Hell -

If you don’t go to church, then you mind as well go to hell. That is the policy in the [ Muse A’s ] House. Of course, you tell a teenager one thing and they do the opposite. [ Muse A ] is the Pastor’s pride and joy, of course they wouldn’t be if they knew the kind of stuff their child did in their free time. Finally [ Muse A ] decide to get out. They climb into a van and head west to California. Except it isn’t at all what they expected. Getting to Cali was hard enough, but making it in Cali could break this sweet kid from the south. Did they just enter the world of their dreams, or did they go from singing in the church choir, to the Hell they were taught to be terrified of? Then comes [ Muse B ]. Street smart, headstrong, wise beyond their years, [ Muse B ] knows their way around California’s underground. With [ Muse B ] as their guide, [ Muse A ] begins to navigate through the streets of California, hoping to find the life they dreamed of back home in Alabama.

Something’s gotta Give -

Growing up, they only had themselves. Living in a world fueled by violence, family doesn’t always mean safety. For the [ Muse A ], family wasn’t something they believed in, being foster children half their lives, and the child of terrible parents the other half. They believed in evil people, hard times, and the fact that someone’s always got an angle when it comes to lending a helping hand. No one is inherently good. Finally, [ Muse A] has turned 18, making them free from the foster care system. Criminal record half a mile long, [ Muse A ] must find a way to make it in the big world. Enters [ Muse B ]. Successful, hardworking, seemingly perfect. [ Muse A ] and [ Muse B ] meet by chance, this chance encounter turns into more as the two begin to see each other. What happens when [ muse B ] finds out about [ Muse A’s ] past? Will it ruin the best thing that has happened to [ Muse A ] in a long time? Or will they finally be able to move past the dark things that have followed them their entire life?

Wicked Attraction | 1920-1940s Setting | -

[Muse A] was always considered to be perfect. They graduated at the top of their class, have a great job, but they’ve always felt like something was missing. [Muse B] was always the same way, though beneath the prefect was a secret. A wicked secret. [Muse B] is part of an underground world of drugs and violence. What happens when [Muse A] and [Muse B] meet and [Muse B]introduces [Muse A] to an underground world of sex, drugs, and violence? Is this what [Muse A]’s always been missing? Can they escape this Wicked Attraction?

Welcome Home -

[Muse A] seemed like the perfect child, good grades, good family, good friends. Everything about except when it came to their feelings for [Muse B]. [Muse B] was too old and too damaged to be involved with someone like [Muse A], but it didn’t stop them from falling for each other. [Muse A] left their infectious little town, leaving all of the bad (including Muse B), behind them. Years later, they return, only to find that [Muse B] never got out. Will their old flame rekindle? Or will [Muse A] realize that[Muse B] is all wrong for them?

On The Road Again -

[ Muse A ] has always been a drifter, never staying in one place, feeling as though the only place they belonged was on the road. [ Muse B ] has always been the conservative type, the type to go to school, get a boring job. One day, [ Muse A ] was passing through the town that [ Muse B ] lived in. They meet, and [ Muse A ] begins to think they may have found a place where they might actually be able to call home. The two begin a relationship based on all the lies [ Muse A ] had to tell in order to keep their past a secret. But [ Muse A ]’s past begins to catch up with them, will they be able to face it, or will they have to run away again?

How You Remind Me -

[ Muse A ] and [ Muse B ] had been dating off and on for years. Breakups, make ups, harsh words, drug/alcohol fueled nights, and flying fists. Unhealthy is the only way to describe their relationship. Loving each other was the easiest and hardest thing they had ever done. Finally unable to take it anymore, [ Muse A ] left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. With their lover gone, [ Muse B ] fell into an even deeper hole of drugs and violence. Years later, [ Muse A ] has cleaned up their life, gotten a good job, and made a difference in the lives of others. [ Muse B ] is still stuck in a life of one night stands, but they’ve gotten themselves clean from drugs and alcohol. The two meet unexpectedly, and see how different each other have become. This chance encounter turns into another, than another, but [ Muse A ] is unsure of whether or not they want to get themselves caught back up in that world. For [ Muse B ], seeing [ Muse A ] reminds them of all the terrible things they had done in their past. Being reminded of all they had done, [ Muse B ] decides to they need to show [ Muse A ] they’ve changed for good.  

Teacher, Teacher. -

[Muse A] is a college Professor. All of their students love them, both because they’re physically attractive and a very good professor , who has little trouble with connecting with students. [Muse B] is a student college that [Muse A] a teaches at. They’ve always been an average/above average student, but for some personal reason, they’ve been having a lot of trouble in the class that [Muse A] teaches. So, in a last effort to get their grade up before the end of the term, [Muse B] has been staying after class to get extra help. The only problem is, they’ve slowly found themselves having feelings for each other beyond the normal professor/student relationship.

Almost Stepparent -

For as long as [Muse A] could remember, it had been only them and their single parent. Their parent had dated and brought home every type of person imaginable, but this one was different. This one was [Muse B]. [Muse B] is everything [Muse A] is looking for in a partner, not to mention at least a decade younger than their parent. What happens when [Muse A] finally realizes they have feelings for [Muse B], their parent’s partner. [Muse B] has feelings for [Muse A], feelings well beyond what is appropriate to feel towards the child of your partner. What happens when the two are left alone for a week while [Muse A’s] parent is out taking care of a sick family member?

Now these are plots that I DIDN’T write but would still like to try! (All gender roles are changeable!)

i want a plot where a guy goes on a roadtrip just wandering around the state trying to find meaning of life with his big ass doggo and one day he comes to diner where this shy young woman works and like her boss is always yelling at her and she has abusive boyfriend and her father used to be abusive as well and this guy he is the first man who ever treated her nicely and he just asks her completely out of the blue if she doesn’t want to leave with him and she’s like “why not?” so she takes all of her things and leaves with him. Pleaseee!

i really, really want a plot where muse a is a naive, sweet, romantic, whimsical little thing with a whole lot of optimism and sunshine in their veins and muse b is the complete opposite; a total player who has someone new in their bed every weekend and hates responsibilities and just spends a lot of their time fucking around. somehow these two have been friends for a while, despite their differing personalities, and one day muse a ends up having to move out of their apartment due to a fire or an infestation or something and muse b is the one who offers to put them up for the time being. it’s all well and good except muse a has terrible nightmares constantly and one night muse b is sick and tired of it (and deep down a little concerned) so gets into bed with muse a until they stop crying and shaking and fall asleep in muse b’s arms instead. cue awkward muses sleeping in the same bed every night and it actually helping muse a a lot with the nightmares, and lots of cuddling and feelings ensue. muse b, being the player they are, are terrified of the idea of liking someone but muse a is pretty much already head over heels and ANGST !!

ok but someone give me that cute bartender storyline though? like this guy tends bar at a restaurant or a pub or something and always sees this cute girl hanging out there, but she’s always either with friends or with some guy so he never really gets the time to talk to her BUT ONE DAY she walks into the place alone and orders so many drinks until she’s so bloody drunk, screaming about how her boyfriend cheated on her, that the bartender had to bring her home himself. she wakes up with a horrible hangover, stumbles out the room to find the bartender cooking breakfast and rolling his eyes, laughing. “first of all, you’re an idiot. second, we didn’t have sex if that’s what you’re wondering. third, breakfast will be ready soon. sit.” and fluff commences HELP PLZ

muse a is a new single father, a teenager at that living in an apartment complex with his newborn. it’s one of those apartment complexes in new york city, where everyone kind of keeps to themselves. muse b lives on his floor and has heard this newborn baby crying at ungodly hours, distracting her from her cramming for midterms. she had complained to the landlord about it and one night, she hears the baby crying again. stepping outside in a fit of rage, muse b is about to yell at whoever is the parent to this bastard child until she spots muse a, pacing the hallway with the child in his arms, his hair disheveled and his eyes giving away the sleep he’s been lacking. she feels sympathy instantly; she had no idea muse a lived on her floor, much less was he the father of this child. so, at 3 in the morning, muse b offers to help muse a get the baby back to sleep. and muse b becomes some sort of baby whisperer to muse a, and he continues to go to her for help and they start to dig each other and this is just so cute please

someone give me a plot where muse a was arrested in high school due to drug dealing and was sentenced to ten years — except he’s let out a couple of years early due to good behavior. with no car, his feet take him to the one place he never thought he’d set foot again in a lifetime. his ex-high school sweetheart, muse b. except, when the door opens, it’s not her. it’s a seven year old little girl with her mom’s hair and her dad’s eyes.

a plot where muse a just needs to get away from everything so she packs up everything into her small shitty car that barley runs and just drives. she loses count of the boarders she crossed until she lands right into the middle of a small town where the population is like 2 thousand and her car breaks down. so she goes into a diner that she sees is open and she asks about a mechanic so the lady in the diner calls up her friend who happens to be muse b, the local mechanic. so muse bcomes over and tells her that he wont be able to check her car out until morning bc its like 10 pm now so muse a is going to check into a motel or smth but muse b offers to put her up for the night and bc shes broke she says yeah and basically they end up banging with the intention that after tomorrow they are never gonna see each other again - wrong. muse b goes down to his shop and looks at the engine and a really important parts gone in it and its going to take a couple weeks for it to come in and basically muse a has to stay in this shitty small town for the next couple of weeks AND THEY FALL FOR EACH OTHER AND WE CAN FIGURE THE REST OUT!

ok but a plot based on (not) the one by bebe rexha though. like muse a is a serial lover and has a different lover each week but then muse b happens. andthey end up in the same bed more often than usual. but muse a knows it’s not a good idea because they fear they’ll end up moving on and breaking muse b’s heart, which is when they realize they care for them. so even if they want to stop it there, they can’t because they are themself, unconsciously, falling for muse b.