#notice of renewal of judgement

[cwprocess]

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[just-a-ghost00]

Which good news are coming your way?

Group 1

Ace of wands, XI-Justice, 2 of cups, 8 of pentacles, 9 of pentacles

If you were going through a period of trials and tribulations, no matter which area of your life was impacted, know that this phase is coming to an end. Balance will be restored and you will receive retribution regarding a situation that you experienced as unfair and hurtful. You are coming out of this situation victorious. This may especially be true for those of you that were unfairly treated in a work situation and/or within a relationship. You will be entering a period of abundance and productivity. A shift is happening in your energies and your reality will thus be affected by it. You may feel more driven, inspired, joyful. You may notice that people are being more sociable when you are around. You may receive communication from one or several people that you hadn't heard of in a while. A renewal may be going on within a connection. If you were in a situation where a person wasn't reciprocating your time and energy, your feelings and interest, their behavior will change. If you were feeling like you were not being supported by people around you, you will notice that this tendency is being reversed. You may start getting help in unexpected ways, without even having to ask for it. Your hard work will be paying off, whatever area of your life you were working on. If you were trying to manifest any specific project or partnership of any kind, be prepared to receive a positive answer. There could also be new opportunities arising as well as creative ideas. This will be a prosperous time for you and I feel like many of you have been waiting for this for a long time. This is more than well deserved and you can be proud of yourself for the journey you've been on, all that you have accomplished along the way. You are phenomenal!

Group 2

3 of pentacles, 10 of wands, knight of cups, 8 of pentacles, Justice

Your energies and cards are a bit similar to those of group 1. If you were drawn to that group, that may be a sign for you to check it out as well. I get the feeling of someone being sick and tired of always getting the shorter end of the stick in life, especially in relationships. Of being frustrated and burnt out because they are constantly giving and carrying the weight of the relationship on their shoulders, only to be receiving so little in return. If that is your case, you will receive support and rewards for your constant efforts from a person that you may not have thought would return the favor. You will be surprised that this person actually cares enough to give you back what you have invested. Not only that, but they will give you more than what you expected. I'm hearing "it's the least I could do considering all that you've done for me". I pick up on the energy of somebody that is a care giver and that has sacrified most of their life to help others ascend and thrive. It's now your time to shine, I'm hearing. You will now be receiving a fair return of the energy and time you have been giving so willingly, out of pure generosity. That may come in the form of financial abundance, of advice and encouragement from your community, of new uplifting connections, in the form of shared moments of happiness or declarations of love. If you were the main source of income within your home, someone else will now take the lead for you to be able to lay back and relax. Someone will spoil you and treat you like royalty. There may be parents among you. Your children may give you back as a way to thank you for your service and care. Also, if you had been fighting for a legal matter, you may receive good news about that as well. For some of you, a younger water sign may be significant. You will no longer be the only one assuming the responsibilities in your situation, whatever that may be about.

Group 3

High Priestess, 5 of pentacles, King of cups, Chariot, Judgement

Okay, here the energy seems to be clearer and I can sense that the main focus here is relationships, compared to the previous group where things were a bit more general. A significant movement will be made regarding a connection after a time of uncertainty, of no contact and being left in the dark. You will gain clarity regarding this situation and be able to move forward without any regret. With the judgement and the chariot combined, I get a sense of freedom. Whatever you may learn about will set you free, whether it is with or without this person in your life. This may especially resonate with you if you have significant water placements in your chart, more specifically if you have Scorpio or Cancer placements. I feel like for some of you, you will not wait for the other person to give you clarity and decide to make the decision for them. In other words, you will cut ties with this person whether they like it or not, to focus on your own self and well being. You will choose yourself over this person because you have decided that you gave them enough time and chances to make their decision, which they have not done. And you are done waiting for them to make a move. For others, maybe that might be a different dynamic, in the sense that instead of moving away from this person, you may be rushing towards them. That could also be coming from the other person's side. It depends on your situation. Also, your spiritual gifts may be honing during the upcoming months. I feel like you will no longer let yourself be fooled nor let your own perceptions cloud your judgement of this situation. I felt the need to clarify the 5 of pentacles and the Chariot. The 5 of pentacles was clarified by the 6 of pentacles. You felt left in the dark and felt like something was missing because you were not in a balanced connection. This person wasn't giving you what you expected and deserved. As for the chariot, it is clarified by the 9 of swords. Since we're talking about good news, I feel like this card means that you will move on from overthinking and will no longer cry over this person's lack of investment. If they won't see your value, then it's their loss.

[shinidamachu]

Hello ma’am at Wendy’s; could you analyze some inukag scenes in the first movie? 😍

I could talk about how Inuyasha was strugling in the first battle — to the point of Shippo stating he's hopeless when Kagome isn't around — and how he headed back to it with renewed energy once she got there.

I could talk about how he bickers with her the entire time, but it's always so gentle while constantly carrying her away from danger — bridal style, no less — and asking her in that soft voice we don't ever hear him use with anyone else if she is alright even though he was the one just getting his ass beaten.

I could also talk about how he follows after Kagome when she runs off, supposedly to "give her a piece of his mind" yet doesn't deny it when Shippo counter arguments that she got him wrapped around her finger. I could. But that's just our everyday Inukag, so here are the scenes I feel like are worthy discussing on a deeper level.

When Inuyasha found Kagome after she accidentally cut herself, he got closer, wanting to take a better look at her wound, but for a second there Kagome forgot about her injury and really thought he was going to kiss her. You can see her surprise at his sudden proximity and then the disappointment when he goes for her hand instead.

Then he took her finger to his mouth, to the place where his fangs are, without overthinking it or fearing any judgement, simply trusting that Kagome wouldn't be scared or disgusted by the gesture, by him. And she never does. What really makes this scene, though, is that Inuyasha is completely oblivious to the effect his actions are having on her so far or just how intimate they actually are.

Kagome's safety is his number one priority and Inuyasha feels comfortable enough with her to follow his instincts without reservations, so he doesn't quite realize the romantic implications because it's natural to him, to them, to be this close.

Then Inuyasha uses Kagome's favorite handkerchief to patch her up. Considering she sounds more upset about him ripping it to do so than surprised that he has it in the first place and that he doesn't seem embarrased to have it at all, my guess is that she must have gifted it to him at some point.

And even though he claims it's just a piece of cloth, the fact remains that he carried it with himself for who knows how long — probably because it smells like her — and kept it intact despite the many battles, that is until she needed it as a bandage and we get visual confirmation that Shippo was right: Kagome literally got him wrapped around her finger.

Flash forward to the bridge scene, where Inuyasha thinks he's seeing Kikyo at first, then notices is actually Kagome in priestess clothes and runs to her. If you ask me, it's pretty telling that he'd only mistake the two of them when Kagome isn't acting like herself.

I love his reaction to realizing Kagome is there, safe and sound. He's just so genuinelly happy and relieved to see her. Those aren't emotions we're used to get from him. Plus, he worries about her being pale and insists that she gets back to Kaede's so she can get more rest.

Then when Kagome hugs him, he apologizes — which we also don't see him do often — for not getting to her sooner, thinking that's what earned him that hug. And he returns her embrace in true Inuyasha fashion: tight and cradling her head.

That's when Kagome pulled this little trick and I think two things are worthy noticing. One, she managed to break free from the mind control long enough to tell Inuyasha to get away. That's quite impressive. Two, when confronted with the idea of Kagome betraying him, Inuyasha came to the only possible conclusion that she was under a spell, never once doubting her.

He makes one attempt to reason with her, pleading for Kagome to snap out of it, but when that fails, he doesn't even try to immobilize her or adopt a defensive stance, he just runs, flat out refusing to lay a hand on her, the opposite of his fighting style.

And even though Inuyasha knows Kagome is being controled, I still appreciate his reaction to hearing the one person who makes him want to live telling him to die. Not to mention how it brought back some very unpleasent memories. Speaking of which...

What's interesting about this scene is that, again, Inuyasha knows this is Kagome attacking him — although against her will — but the very idea of her hurting him is so inconceivable that Inuyasha tries to make sense of it with the situations he has experienced before.

Then Kagome explained she has no control over her body and just can't stop, begging him to run again before it's too late. Inuyasha, however, wouldn't hear it.

"I'm not running. Not without you. I won't leave you behind."

And honestly, who would have blamed him if he had run? Certainly not Kagome. She understands better than anyone just how difficult reliving those old traumas must be for him. Yet he would rather stay and die by her hands than leave without her.

That's why she fought so hard against the spell here, in a way she couldn't quite fight when it wasn't Inuyasha's life on the line. Until the very end, she refuses to be the one to cause Inuyasha the same harm he has suffered before. But she ultimately fails.

It's only after Kagome realizes what she's done that she manages to break the spell. It's very meaningful that she screams his name the exact moment it happens and that her eyes were full of tears even before she shot that arrow.

She runs to Inuyasha and wraps him into one of my favorite Inukag hugs ever. The position they're in is so intimate, it's like she wants to melt into him and protect him from the entire world while begging him to say something and open his eyes, chanting how sorry she is.

It also parallels the scene in the beginning. Same spot, similar situations. Except where once was Kagome injured, now is Inuyasha and where once was him patching her up, now it's her who is taking care of him.

Kagome doesn't let go of Inuyasha for a good while and when Kikyo tells her to return to her own time, since she doesn't belong there, Kagome answers that she won't, that she can't leave Inuyasha — echoing his words from earlier.

Even after Kikyo explains that once the well it's covered over, Kagome won't be able to return to her own world anymore, she is still reticent about leaving Inuyasha and Kikyo has to literally force her out.

"Inuyasha! My hands can't touch him anymore. My voice can't reach him anymore. I won't see Inuyasha ever again."

I absolutely love how classic Inukag this quote is. You have Kagome saying his name twice, a mention of touching, which is a huge part of their love language, a nod to her voice reaching out to him, which is a recurrent theme for them and "I won't see Inuyasha ever again" as opposite to our many "I want to see Inuyasha once more."

Another thing I love is how this scene mirrors the one when Kagome first meets Inuyasha: unconscious against the Sacred Tree, her hand reaching out to him. Except then she ended up saving him later and now she was the reason he was there.

Then we finally get to the reunion scene, the heart of "Affections Touching Across Time" which by the way is such a great name for the movie! Not only is it poetic, but it also paints Inuyasha and Kagome's relationship as the transcendental love story that it is. As if no matter the circumstances, it's inevitable for the love the feel for each other to find its way back to them.

Inuyasha wakes up and Kagome is his very first thought. For her part, Kagome is also able to feel Inuyasha through the tree.

"I can feel him. I can feel Inuyasha."

They start to talk even though they're years and years apart, Kagome asking if he is okay and Inuyasha brushing her worries off as usual. He then says he's surprised she isn't there and when Kagome says she came back home, he teases her about being scared.

Kagome denies it and I believe it's because she was initially thinking about the dangerous situation they were in, but then images of Kikyo telling her to go home and kissing Inuyasha flashes through her mind and she admits that e was right, that maybe she did run away.

She did get scared, but not of the danger they were facing. She was scared to find out Inuyasha was truly in love with Kikyo and that, since Kagome hurt him, he would be better off without her around.

Once Kagome explains that to him — minus the Kikyo part — Inuyasha gets up despite his wounds and tries to make his way to her, but Kagome meets him half way.

@kitramune pointed out that Inuyasha smiles at her reaction because not only he knew she would do so, but he also expected her to in order to pull her into a hug.

"I need you with me, Kagome. Haven't you realized that yet?"

Their hug is also a perfect replica of the original one, their very first one. From Inuyasha having a wound on his chest to catching Kagome completely off guard, first pulling her towards him then embracing her tight.

The scene is a masterpiece overall. The music, the dialogue, the voice acting — both in japanese and english —, the emotional conflict. It keeps me wishing it had happened in canon every time I watch it.

And I can't in good conscience leave the ultimate trusting exercise out of this. That Kagome trusts Inuyasha enough to jump into his arms from great heights it's pretty amazing in and out of itself, but the reason her confidence in him is so high is because he delivers it every time. It's all very reciprocal.

And even though Inuyasha complains about her being reckless, I love that he doesn't even bother to sheathe Tessaiga — his most valuable possession — too focus on catching Kagome in the gentlest way possible.

Last but not least: the extra scene. In the beginning of the movie, we hear Grandpa Higurashi say that the Sacred Tree would blossom every single year without fail, until five hundred years ago, when Inuyasha was put under a spell and fixed to its truck, to which Kagome replies that now its flowers are blooming again because she set Inuyasha free.

The blossoms represent just that: a counterpoint to the snow that once fell over them. They're both pretty but where the snow is cold, the petals are warm. Where one is winter, the other is spring. Where one is the end of a cycle, the other is rebirth, it's life.

I hope putting Inuyasha on the shadows and Kagome on the sunny side of the tree was a conscious creative choice here because it accentuates their personalities and the yin and yang dynamic of their relationship, on top of being aesthetically pleasing.

I especially enjoyed how reassuring and straight forward he was here, like it was a given that he would be there for and with her even if it couldn't be physically, like he couldn't fathom any other way.

And of course, there's the way Inuyasha is so aware of her and constantly worried about her well being, noticing how exhausted she was and being concerned she might collapse while having a severe injury on his own chest.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Sango telling Kagome to be careful and Kagome replying that she'll be fine because she'll be with Inuyasha. The villain saying "I've never seen anything more pathetic than a half demon cuddle by a mortal girl" and Kagome going "why? What's wrong with us being together?" Kagome still feeling awful about hurting Inuyasha and thanking him when he insisted that "it's barely a scratch."

[hopelesslywanderingone]

the dress

I have never been more anxious in my life.  I’ve been thinking about this for months now, but now that I’m finally standing in the middle of my kitchen, smelling the roast cooking in the oven, I can hardly breathe.

When I hear his car pull up, the anxiety comes to a head.  I force myself to walk to the front door, going over what I rehearsed one last time.  

But the second I hear the keys in the door, I find myself pushed up against the back of it, blocking him from opening it any further than the half a foot he already has.

“Baby?  What’s going on, you okay?” He asks.  I can tell how confused, and slightly worried, he is.  I let out a shaky, uncomfortable breath.

“I-” I swallow, taking a deeper breath and laughing again nervously.  “Oh god.  I’m sorry.  I planned a thing and now I’m really re-thinking the thing. Oh god, this is embarrassing.  Just wait outside a minute, maybe I’ll-”

There’s no weight on the other side of the door anymore.  He’s backed off.

“What kind of a thing, baby?”  He asks in that strangely calm voice, like this is a casual day-to-day occurrence.  Like he knew all day that he would have to come home and talk me off a ledge before he could get in the door.

“A- a thing.  A thing for you that I thought you might like but now I feel ridiculous and I think that maybe I’ll just, um, not...”  I trail off, still gripping the door, but not moving.

“I think maybe you should let me make that judgement for myself, don’t you?”  He has stepped back up to the door and nudged it gently towards me now.  “You also know that I most definitely will not think that something you’ve taken the time to do for me is ridiculous.”

I consider this.  That’s true.  What’s the worst that can happen, it doesn’t do it for him like I had hoped?  He’ll still like that I went to the effort to do something like this for him.  And really, he was going to love it.

“Okay,” I say quietly. “Okay, give me a second and then you can come in.”

He steps away from the door again, and I back up to the spot I had imagined myself standing.  I fix my hair and adjust my dress quickly.

“Please come in.”  I say, and slowly he pushes open the door.

He has never been speechless before. Never.  There have been plenty of times where silence stretches on as he contemplates how he wants to say things, where he waits purposefully to let me squirm.  This is not that.  This is pure, unexpected speechlessness. 

I’m nearly giddy.  I can’t stop the grin from spreading across my face as he continues to look me up and then down, over and over again.  Why was I so nervous to do this?  I feel a rush of confidence I didn’t expect.

“May I take your coat?”  I ask, and he’s still so enthralled by my look that he doesn’t notice my little smirk.  That’s probably a good thing.

“You certainly may.”  He says when he finally meets my eyes again.  As he shrugs it from his shoulders and I turn to hang it in the closet, I feel like a bug under a microscope.  He watches me like this often, but now it feels renewed.  A new curiosity, a deep probing gaze.  I turn, my mouth open to ask if I can fix him a drink but I don’t get any of the words out.  

He wraps an arm around my waist and the other hand settles on the back of my neck, pulling me in for a hard kiss.  When he pulls away I am truly one of those girls from the movies, who has forgotten who she is and what she’s doing.  Now he’s smirking down at me as I look up at him, I am sure visibly affected.  The power dynamic has been righted.

“May I- may I fix you a drink?” I ask, mildly breathless and willing the fog of arousal to clear a little from my brain.  

He smiles and brushes a hand along the side of my hair that’s pulled back with the comb.  He nods, leaning down to kiss me softer, and then letting me out of his hold.

I straighten my dress again on the way over to the drink table I’ve set up.  Normally, all the liquor and glasses are shoved into a tiny cabinet at the top of our pantry.  I’ve washed the glasses, arranged three of his favourite liquors, and bought one of those decanters to hold his favourite scotch - the ones that rich men have in their offices, except this one isn’t real crystal.

Still, as I bring him over his tumbler, I can tell that he likes the set up.  When I hand it to him, he wraps his other arm around me and brings me to his side as he takes a drink.

“You look incredible.”  Even as I was hoping for a compliment, I still flush with his words.  

To begin with, it was always jokingly.  I should be a house-wife for Halloween.  Yes, I should wear that yellow skirt with the buttons up the front that looks straight out of the fifties.  Yes, he does like being the provider.  No, he does not want me to help him do the bills (this I tentatively ask one day, praying that ‘no’ will be the answer).  An off-handed comment about trying on that classic-fit dress that all sit-com Moms wore.  

A far less off-handed comment about how he really likes the look of those dresses, and would really like to see me in one.

So, never being one to do things half way, I buy one of the dresses.  It fits like a glove, one of the halter-style ones that a women might wear out on the veranda serving iced beverages.  It’s soft white, with flowers of blues and greens and reds (Sir likes floral print).  I buy a pair of soft blue Mary Jane’s, a little more modern looking, that match the colour of some of the flowers.  I do my hair with that kind of fanned out wave down one side, and pull the other half back behind my ear with an old comb I found at a vintage shop.  I do my make up soft but with a little winged eyeliner and a muted red lipstick.  I have never felt more feminine in my life.  

“It’s hard to decide whether to watch you float around in that, or to take it off you right now.”  I giggle, he looks like he’s legitimately debating.

“I was thinking that you might like to read the paper while I finish setting out dinner.”  I pick up one of the two papers I bought at the store today.  Sir does like to keep up with the news, but we decided it made more sense to just read the articles we wanted to online for the time being, before subscribing in paper to anything. 

“Dinner?”  He raises an eyebrow.  I blush.  This is where I was nervous he’d think I’d gone too far.  Too much a roleplay, too involved.  Maybe I should have done just the dress.

“There’s a roast in the oven.”  I glance towards the kitchen, keeping my eyes from him.  He turns my head back to look at him.

“I look forward to having dinner.  And you.”  Corny as it may sound, it doesn’t when he’s boring a hole into your innermost psyche.  

“I’m all yours after we eat, then.” I hear myself say, but am really just focused on the way his hands have tightened on me and the way he’s looking at me.

“You’re mine until then, too.  You’ve never been more mine than you are right now.” 

[manytoonepoet13]

Blue Bouquet — A Bittersweet Love.

A little something that I've come to notice while rewatching the two mvs we have for Blue Bouquet is the theme they surround themselves in and how it correlates with what their continent is supposed to represent; the continent of love.

Collab with: @Insight.

You see, from Aozora no Memory to Key My Notes, the themes, the lyrics, they have been about change, sacrifice, hope, time, strength, and courage. All qualities that comes when loving someone or something, especially when you aim for a better future for them. In both mvs, Cielomort is reaching for a brighter future for his people and ultimately the entirety the world of Fragaria, while Kurode is reaching for a better version of himself that could contribute in bringing a brighter future.

"It is natural to want to protect what is important to you. I'm happy to have more friends. I'll show you the blue sky." — Cielomort.

Cielomort has quite the reputation. The young prodigy he is, with his skills and popularity he managed to build the largest kingdom in the span of three years, all for the betterment of the future of Cinnamoroll's kingdom. That, and as the leader of Blue Bouquet, many major responsibilities have fallen into the palm of his hands.

Responsibilities, as well as what may be considered as the greatest sacrifice within Fragaria.

If you take a look in the mv, you'd see a few things that stands out: Books, balloons, the sky, clocks (I hate clocks) and doves.

Now, books, represent knowledge and wisdom, escape and exploration, desire to learn, truth and judgement, communication and expression. And are probably a tie to Willmesh, especially with the new mv coming out later this evening.

Balloons are a symbol of happiness and lightness of sorrow –> which is what Ciel want to do; make everyone happy.

The sky symbolizes infinity, immortality, and transcendence, or an existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level. While clocks represent almost the exact opposite, it represents time, mortality, the passage of life, and sometimes death.

And dove represents peace, love, and purity. While spiritually, it represents peace, renewal, transformation, and love.

But what do all of this mean? Well, basically, the said sacrifice consists of Cielomort wanting to happiness and lightness of sorrows that were brought by the SEEDS and show the people of Cinnamoroll's kingdom and the entirety of Fragaria the blue sky where they are free of worry.

""Both beautiful and the imaginary, different emotions are swirling around." = Change.

Ciel's sacrifice was not easy, some people look at him in honor, some people look at him in sorrow. His sacrifice is free for interpretation, hence the difference emotions swirling around. Now in relation to sacrifice, the line goes:

"Look for you. I'll become the blue sky."

The reason why I said that his sacrifice is free for interpretation is that sky, according to you can mean infinity. There are an infinite amount of possibilities. So when he becomes "the blue sky" he does not only transcend (descend six feet underground) but he also provides a choice. A choice on how his sacrifice can be seen. And that interpretation is ultimately what impacts change." – @c h a m a l a m.

"I wish to share it all with you, it would be nice if I could be within that "everything". But it's alright if your sky continues to remain blue."

Basically, to everyone around him, his promise and sacrifice was basically "everything". Happiness, peace, "everything". And as much as he'd like to be able to share it with them, he can't, and these lines showed us why:

"The rippling bitterness, just drink it all up quietly."

"Even though things may change during these dizzying days... Leave only your smiles, for I will tuck away your loneliness into those clouds."

"Cut out the cotton clouds and blue sky... for they are the footprints of this waving memory, this memory of the blue sky."

"Even if those clouds that rode on the blowing wind will never return... we'll continue to believe that the future will allow us to meet you again."

It's a journey that he would have to venture through alone. I believe, if the lyrics would serve me right, those clouds are the memories of the first timeline, to cut out the cotton clouds and blue sky, to tuck away your loneliness into those clouds, it meant to shut those bad memories and emotions away to make room for better ones, even if it meant not having to remember those again, to not remember who you are or what had happened back then. Here, this is to preserve purity, to provide contentment, joy, and optimism in defense of the SEEDS' effects. But if you were following my theories, you know that this isn't what's "right" in the long run, how this is them falling victim into the illusion the SEEDS made. Because those memories, they are the truth, they are an integral part of who you are as a person.

That's why in both songs they sang "I can't reach it even if I stretch my hand out." "I'm reaching far, far away... until my hope dies."

Even if they don't actively know, even if they aren't actively aware of these memories, there are fragments of them that lingers within their person, making them remember what had actually happen.

""Inside this heart, a memory that's sincere and eternal."

Everyone has a feeling of those memories being there, despite not being fully aware of it. It doesn't matter which song or which character, the message is clear and reiterated over and over: they have memories. They can feel that they do. But the don't necessarily know about it.New insight: The reason why despite everything the seeds and timelines have done they still recall their memories, is because those memories are true. The truth will speak for itself and does not need to be proven. No matter what happens, it will find it's way to override reality for a sense of balance. After all, they do say that there's no secret that time won't tell.

My new insight (specifically the part: it will find it's way to override reality) relates with the line:

"It may be full of absurdity and even riddled with bugs however I still love this world so much."

Because no matter how flawed and fractured the current world of Fragaria may be, those memories are true, they want to get those memories back. So they have to work with what they have. Let's say fest friend J baked a cake but you don't like cake at all. But it's best friend J's thought to bake you a cake that counts. Because you love best friend J, you still accept it as is." – @c h a m a l a m.

"Before long, that imagination will soon overtake us." –> Imagination = Memories.

"Continue on drawing until you can take grasp of it."

"I'll leave everything up to these intense emotions."

You see, everything up to this point has been centered around emotions, even the SEEDS feed on negative emotions, it's their emotions what brought all of this upon them but it is also their emotions what will get them out of this predicament.

"If only we can be imperfect and not full of deceit."

"Sometimes we can let go of that hand due to weakness."

The knights have been to busy thinking of the "perfect" way to go against the SEEDS that they forgot how to feel to the point where feelings began to turn against them. Look at Hallritt and Merold, because of Merold's "lie", Hallritt became tense, distant, and almost hostile towards Merold, quite similar to how Kurode became towards Merold as well.

Merold and Cielomort are no villains, both of them are merely victims of the SEEDS' illusions for the sake of saving their respective kingdom and lords.

But all in all, I'd say to fix this, they just need to let go and feel even a little bit. Relax and reflect and reach out to one another. Because that's what it means to love, isn't it?

"Let me protect everyone from here..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The knights ask nothing in return for their love."

[kayleightarot]

Saturday, March 16, 2024 Good morning, Lovelies! Today is about Decisive Transformation, Renewal, Forgiveness Tarot of the Day: Judgement

Judgement is a card of change; but unlike Death or The Tower, it isn't sudden change influenced by luck or intuition, but change that springs from reason and decision making. It signifies plans, choices, and focus, coming to fruition.

There is a cycle ending and beginning in the same moment; like the cycle of the Phoenix. If there is a choice that needs to be made, ruminate and let your mind guide the decision. Logic, today, is a better guide than intuition. Be prepared to make a major decision in your life, likely one that will shape the next chapter.

💚 At work, your efforts (or lack thereof) have been noticed. Keep doing your best and your efforts will pay off. If you’ve been slacking off, now is the time to pay attention to detail and focus your energies before you risk permanent damage to your career.

💙 Whether you are single or in a relationship, this card is a sign that you need to be very clear and truthful about what you want, need, and can change. Take the necessary actions to make them happen for your highest good.

🧡 This is a time of absolution and renewal; release preconceived notions, judgements, and assumptions. Forgive others and yourself for very human mistakes, and transform lives. Release the negative energy; it’s time to start anew. Gun a-màireach (until tomorrow), Lovelies Peace out

[fairycosmos]

Oh boy, things are extremely rough atm. Can you recommend any healthy coping mechanisms? I literally don’t know a single one that works for me except for self destruction and being on my phone until I don’t feel anything anymore. And apparently that’s not what we’re supposed to do when we’re sad

ok so unfortunately all of my healthy coping mechanisms only half work for me and it's a total gamble whether or not they're going to on any given day. and none of them ever cure my mental illness which is annoying. like they're not fail-proof solutions and a lot of the time they're simply frustrating in fact it often feels laughable to even try them. a walk is not going to make any of this better. but consistency DOES strengthen your coping skills like a weak muscle. like even after 3 days of practicing them i'm like Ok well i feel like shit but i survived without hurting myself and that was the whole point. not a cure but a tool. ok i'm just going to list them because otherwise, i will ramble forever. btw it's ok to do like, even half of one of these per day. there's no need to overwhelm yourself at all :) coping is coping.

meditation - it sounds and feels like bullshit but i follow this youtube called great meditation and they upload 10 min guided meditation sessions and they have truly gotten me through a lot of low moments at this point. sometimes i feel much better after and sometimes i barely notice a difference but the point is i've sat and breathed for a bit

journaling - i thought i needed some sort of mental health diary for this but then i just opened a google doc and followed these mental health journal prompts ( just one every other day, nothing overwhelming, and no pressure to write a lot or to write anything in particular) and it helped me organise my thoughts and notice the patterns i was/am locking myself into. there's also trauma processing prompts online if that is what you're after.

free writing - again just opening a word doc but this time you just write without thinking literally letting go and putting down whatever words your fingers type - no judgement no curation no performance no expectations.

submerging my face in cold water, holding ice cubs - good for grounding.

crying my eyes out, purposefully listening to sad songs or watching sad movies in order to do so - cleansing, painful, tires you out and can make you feel renewed briefly.

breathwork - again there's some great youtube vids for this. i do this 20 min nervous system reset somewhat often, but there's shorter ones that are also very effective. box breathing also helps if you just need a simple go to - breathe in for 4, hold for 4, our for 4.

lie down on a hard surface or the floor with your back straight - another grounding thing. to occupy your mind during this you can name 5 things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one you can taste.

pat your arms, legs, stomach, head, chest gently and breathe deeply - again it can be grounding.

watch trail cam vids of cute animals, use the wikipedia page generator to read up on smth you've never really thought about before, download duolingo and start learning a language. not to become fluent just to get your mind out of the place it's in, even for 5 minutes.

literally just move around especially outside - HATEEE to say it but stretching on your bedroom floor, going for a walk, following an exercise video etc - it can really help you feel a bit less stale and myopic. if it's too much, opening a window is a good start. or simply standing outside your house for 2 minutes and going back in. the air will feel good.

make sure all your bases are covered - have you eaten, have you slept, have you showered, have you talked to someone in the last few days, are you hydrated? if not, make a small move towards doing one of those things. feeling like crap physically only compounds how crap you feel mentally and so the cycle perpetuates.

scream, punch/throw pillows, snap pencils, stab at paper with pens.

affirmations - i'm trying to build a list of ones that resonate with me specifically because a lot of them don't LOL. but there's a lot of good resources online for this. one of my favorite current ones is: doing a little is better than doing nothing. a job half done is better than a job not done at all.

do something creative - it's not about being an artistic genius it's about doing something tangible with your hands and getting out of your head and using the space in your brain to focus on something that doesn't feel doomed. drawing, singing, cooking, playing an instrument, writing, whatever you want. you don't have to have done it before. you can just do it.

talk to someone you trust/care about, let them in even a tiny bit. it's ok to verbalise these things. give them a fair chance to be there for you the way you'd want to be there for them. i know it's hard, all of this is, but it's not impossible. also, look for any communal resources you can find - support groups, local therapists who may offer sliding scale prices that are affordable. it all sucks but it's something.

will add more when/if any come to mind. i'm sorry you're feeling like this and i sincerely hope it all becomes a bit lighter for you soon. sending so much love. x

[abbatoirablaze]

Criminal Minds, Season 1, Episode 10, Part 2

Word Count:  2k

Warnings:  mentions of favors/work preferential treatment.

Samantha Reid

“I think it’s wise to ask for the help of Samantha Reid again!” Gideon told Hotchner.  He sighed as he thought about the specifics of the case, knowing that he was right.

What had the makings of a satanic cult was right up the area of expertise for the woman that he'd had feelings for. And despite his best judgement, he knew that Gideon wouldn't take no for an answer.

“I’ll send Silverton a message and see if she’s available.”

“This case is wild!” Kevin chuckled as he shook his head.

“What makes you say that?” you asked.

“Two bodies discovered in the woods in a small town in Virginia!” he said quickly, "it's insane, Reid."

“Okay...so they have two bodies instead of one. That still doesn't explain why Silverton told me to work the case with them. How does Hotchner’s team need my help?” you asked.

“Because of your speciality,” he smiled, opening the files to show you on his monitors, “one vic was a skeleton and the other just happened this morning...which, as I'm sure you know, means that place is a dumping ground for your unsub. The bodies were found within 75 feet of each other, and get this...they claim it might be a satanic cult.  The medical examiner hasn’t had a chance to look at the second victim yet, so the cause of death isn’t official, but the way it’s looking points to blunt force trauma to the head on both.”

Your stomach turned, “how positive are they that it’s a cult, Kevin?  There hasn’t been a single case confirmed of a cult sacrificing people. I mean animals, sure...but people?"

He pulled up a picture that showed the pentagram with the words ‘Satan loves LOD.’

“Agents Hotchner and Gideon just left with the rest of the team for the airstrip...they said that they’ll be waiting on you.” He said quickly, “they asked Silverton for you because of your theology degree.” 

“Where’s the rest of the file, Kevin?”

“There isn’t one,” he shrugged, “it’s so fresh that the unis are still waiting at the scene.”

“We need to talk about Texas...”

You stared at Aaron long and hard before turning your attention to the door, “do we have to talk about it here?”

“Well, if I took you out to dinner to talk about it, we both know that we’d end up in one of our beds...don’t we? No...a public place is best for this kind of discussion, Samantha.”

A blush rose to your cheeks, but you tried to push the thoughts away, “we-we can have a conversation without having sex, Aaron.  We’re both more responsible than our basest of natures and obvious attraction to one another...at least I know that I can control myself. Can you?”

“And that’s why we’re having it here!”

“You think there’s any less of a chance of me jumping your bones if we’re in the workplace?” you teased. 

This time he blushed as he looked away from you.

“Samantha...”

“Aaron.”

He looked at you once more, and you couldn’t help but notice that the past few weeks his eyes had been a little lighter...how he seemed a little more playful.

You knew that it was undoubtedly because of the renewed relationship that the two of you were indulging in.

“What are we?”

You felt a lump in your throat, “wh-what?”

“What are you and I, Samantha?” he asked softly, “i-god, I love the connection we have, both physical and mental...but I need to know...is this just...hooking up in your eyes?  Or are we actually trying to make this work?  Because I’ll be honest, I’m confused. You're just about the only person in this world that I can't read, and it drives me crazy.”

“I-“ you went to speak, but your voice immediately stopped working as you looked at him.  You didn’t know what to really tell him.

“I just have to know what I’m waiting for,” he said firmly, looking into your eyes, “I need to know if I’m trying to work on a relationship with my future wife, or if you only want to see me when things are really good or really bad between us, and we need the other to stabilize ourselves.”

“I-I don’t know,” you admitted with a frown, “I-what do you want, Aaron?”

“The same things I’ve always wanted with you, Samantha...”  

“Why are you barring me from the plane, Jennifer?”

She frowned and took a deep breath, “you and Hotchner-“

“What goes on between me and Aaron, especially outside of the bureau isn’t any of your business, JJ.”

“I know that no one else seems to notice, or care, but I’m doing you a favor and stopping this right now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hotch is a unit leader.”

“And?”

“And you’re an agent on a team.”

“I’m not on his team.”

“Lately?” she scoffed, “it seems like I see just as much of you as I do of your brother.”

“Gideon is the one asking for my expertise not Aaron,” you pointed out, “I get the messages from Gideon.  None of it is coming from Aaron.  I-“

“I know, but soon...others will start to see what I’m seeing, Sam...people will start to think you are getting special treatment from Hotch because of what you two are doing outside of the bureau doors,” she pointed out, “people will think that you’re a girl who’s willing to sleep her way up the ladder.”

Anger gnawed at you, “if I did that, then I’d sleep with chief Strauss, don’t you think?  No one higher in the building than her!”

“This isn’t a joke, Samantha...I’m doing this for your own good!” she argued, “I look at you and Spencer like my siblings...you guys are good people and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea here.”

“Are you sure you aren’t doing this because of your friendship with Hayley?”

“Excuse me?”

“Aaron told me that she’s been trying to get him back ever since Jack was born,” you admitted with a frown, “he’s told her that there’s a time limit on their facade and she knows it’s coming to the end.  I know that the two of you are friends, bu-“

She scoffed, “this is not about my friendship with Hayley, Sam.”

“Then what is it?”

“This is about me, looking out for you!” she growled, crossing her arms over her chest, “you can help us, from the office...you don’t need to be in the field.  You can collaborate with Garcia.  That-“

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Jareau.  Forcing me to stay back is only going to cost you time, and potentially bodies.”

“Well, it’s my call!” she said firmly, “you’re not getting on the jet, Sam.”

Vanessa Jareau

“Your sister is a real bitch.”

Garcia rolled her eyes, and you sighed as you looked at Samantha Reid, “JJ’s just...protective of people’s images, Sam.  She’s looking out for you. I know it may not look like it, but she's just trying to make sure everything is above board."

“I’m perfectly capable of looking out for myself,” she grumbled, shooting you a look, “wait...what do you mean she’s looking out for me?”

You bit your lip before you answered, “th-there’s been some talk about how you reacted in Texas...you were clinging to SSA Hotchner!  And people are suggesting that maybe you pulled off the interview because it was too low profile, and Aaron helped with that.”

“I thought my brother got shot!” she argued, “that’s why I was clinging to him.  He was the closest person near me and I was too afraid to see if the only family I’m close to in this world just died because of a magic trick.”

“Yeah...and I get that...but some of the other agents were making jokes about how you were clinging to him like some-“

“Some what?”

“Like a needy girlfriend.” You frowned, “they were saying that maybe he’s been behind why your team gets a lot of good cases too right now.”

You noticed the change in her attitude, “wh-what?”

“I mean, he did a lot to shut those rumors down, explaining how you thought that Spencer was in there, and that you were just scared...”

“But you know how some people talk!” Penelope frowned.

She paled.

“I-I should go.”

You frowned, “Samantha, I didn’t mean to upset you.  I just-“

“I should go!” she said, shaking her head as she stood up from one of the chairs in Penelope’s office, “I-I have other things to do.  I just-let me know if they call.”

“Sam-“

But before you or Penelope could call her name yet again she was out the door. 

“Well, that was weird.”

“You’re telling me...”

“I-“

The phone began to ring and both of you looked at one another.

“Should I go get her?”

“Too late, looks like it’s just the two of us for now.  Hop onto one of my computers and we’ll tag team this,” she frowned, before tapping the speaker on her phone, “you got the super-powered team of Garcia and Jareau.”

“Jareau?” Reid asked, his voice filling the room, “Penelope, JJ is here with us.  What are you talking about?”

“Vanessa, JJ’s younger sister.  She’s an analyst for another team, “Garcia clarified, “Ness, say hi to the junior G Man.”

“Hey junior G man,” you giggled, working on trying to lighten the mood despite what had happened just a second ago, “go for Garcia and Jareau.  What do you need?”

“Need?” he asked, “Wait.  Where is my sister?  I thought that she was helping with the case.”

“She uh-stepped out for a second,” Garcia admitted, “what did you need, Reid?”

“What does LOD stand for?”

Penelope began to furiously type on her side, and you did the same.

“I don’t know, Reid,” she admitted, “I have been researching and came up with nothing since you guys left.”

“Closest I came up with were the lords of chaos, but that’s a little different than what I think you’re dealing with.”

“Yeah, LOC and LOD are pretty different.”

“I mean, they did come close to vandalism of church property when they burned that church bus!”

“This is very true,” the man mused, a small chuckle passing across the line, “and their founder, Kevin Foster did claim that there was a new god coming, and even made his code name ‘god’ within the group.”

“You really know your stuff, junior G man,” you teased, as you continued typing, “but alas, my tech savvy friend is right, we’ve got zilch on the LOD front.  Might be a new local sect that started up?  They’re combining chaos and panic in a small town with the religion that Foster was trying to institute when he claimed to be their new god.”

“Possibly,” he admitted, “we’ll definitely find out more when we do the grid searches.”

“Don’t forget to have JJ make a sign-in sheet for that so Ness and I can run some background checks for you guys.”

“Got it.”

“Alright, over and out, g man.”

“Hey Penelope?”

Penelope froze, her hand hovering over the button, “what did you need, Spencer?”

“I-I just wanted to say thank you to you and Ness...I-I appreciate you girls and everything you’re doing to help us from Quantico.”

“Just doing our job, Reid!”

You frowned when she pressed the button, “What was that?  It sounded like he was being really sweet.”

Her brow raised, “oh, he never does that.”

“What?”

“That was entirely for your benefit, Ness,” she giggled, “Spencer Reid doesn’t have common sense like that.  He usually calls and asks for information then hangs up before I can question it.”

“Oh...well he seemed nice to me.”

“Ohhhh, don’t tell Samantha that!” she giggled.

“What?  Why?”

“Because from what it sounds like, you’ve got a little crush on Dr. Spencer Reid...”

“What?” you asked, stuttering over your words, “no I don’t.  I just-“

“Flirted a little on the phone over killer groups?”

“Yes-I no.  I mean-“

“Vanessa, it’s okay,” she smirked, “you could do way worse than Reid.”

“I’m no-“

“Who knows...maybe you’ll bring him out of his shell.”

S1, E11

[hannahindie]

And the Snow Falls

A/N: It has been a good while since I wrote anything and posted it on here. I'm primarily a Supernatural writer, though it's been a very long time since I've done even that. I had a vision of my FFXIV House Knight, who is currently struggling with old wounds and chronic pain. His name is Augustine Desrosiers, and he's a good lad. For my Supernatural followers, I'm trying to cook up some stuff for you, but until then, I hope you enjoy the words I did manage to find. (Screenshots by me.)

It is dark, the stars overhead hidden by thick clouds that threaten to cover the already frozen city with more snow. What light there is comes from lanterns dutifully kept lit by the groundskeeper who had ended his shift bells ago. The cold silence is interrupted by the sound of metal against stone, the clinking of armor shifting as a lone knight makes his way across the cobbles. There is a soft snap of cloth as his cape is caught by a gentle breeze that is quickly picking up to be a sharp wind. A storm is coming. 

The metallic footsteps reach the edge of the training grounds and stop, toes barely crossing the boundary from cobbles to snowy dirt. The grounds are empty, save for him, and the training dummies stand like judgemental sentinels, their featureless faces seemingly staring at him. In judgment or challenge, he isn’t sure, but it certainly feels like a little bit of both. 

He stares back, and for a moment he considers turning around and leaving. His shift is over, it is time for sleep so that he can get up and do it again on the morrow. Then he feels the first of the snow light upon his nose, the cold touch seemingly awakening something, an ache so deep nothing can touch it. He glances skyward as more of the fluffy flakes begin to drift downward lazily, existing briefly as they land on his helmet before quickly melting away. 

Finally, he steps fully across the threshold, the sharp clank a dull sound now, and he strides across the empty space to the training dummy in the very center. Perhaps this is what he needs; more exercise, more training. His hand rests on the pommel of his sword, his shield a comforting weight on his back. It is the same shield he had when he’d been attacked, and while it had not stopped the creature, he is certain the initial attack would have killed him without it. It was repaired, but he specifically requested that the claw marks across the front be left, filled in with silver much like broken pottery was repaired with gold. 

He draws his sword, and pulls the shield from his back. A quick round isn’t going to hurt anything, no one will even notice. His shield in place, he steps back and readies himself, his feet in the stance he had learned so many years ago. It is so familiar now that his body automatically falls into it, his shield arm up and sword gripped tightly. There is no threat this time, nothing to worry about, but he was taught to treat it as if there were. Never let your guard down. Not for a second. 

Then why did you? 

He frowns, shaking away the thought. His dark chocolate gaze fixates on the training dummy, his breath forming clouds in the cold air. After a moment of hesitation, his assault begins. Strike, block, strike, parry. Over and over, he repeats  the pattern. Strike, block, strike, parry. The longer he goes, the harder it gets, and his silence turns into frustrated cries with each strike to the dummy. His muscles are on fire, his chest aching as he struggles to suck in the air he needs. 

You can’t protect others like this, you can’t even protect yourself. It’s lucky there isn’t a war going on still, you’d get people killed. 

He pushes himself, attacking the dummy with renewed vigor. But oh, how he can feel it in the pull between his ribs, the deep ache of scar tissue that has found its hold into any crack and crevice and space that it can reach. Tendrils of it destroying him like ivy left to grow destroys the very stone it lives upon. This isn’t as beautiful though, is it? At least there is a beauty in the glossy green leaves and the way it twists and climbs and slowly overtakes. The way the tiny blossoms that seem so unassuming eventually turn into beautiful purple-black berries. There is beauty in survival, yes, and for that he is thankful, and he supposes that maybe in that way, he is like ivy. 

Ivy is also fragile, you’d do well to remember that. 

Torn flesh and mangled muscles remind him of that, as he turns to strike the dummy one last time. His leg buckles, dumping him unceremoniously to the ground where he lands on his knees with a pained cry. His sword is barely still grasped in one hand, and he drops the shield from his other arm, reaching up to pull his helmet off. That is tossed by the wayside with his shield, and as he stares up at the sky, the snow begins to fall harder. The bright white is stark against his dark auburn hair, caught there like the stars currently missing in the sky. 

Tears roll down his cheeks, their freezing tracks glistening as if made from diamond dust instead of salt. He prays, though he isn’t sure why. Or even to who, at this point. She has never helped him before, why would she start now? Perhaps the act of speaking them aloud will grant him some reprieve, and the star will whisper its wisdom in his ear on the wind. His head drops, and his shoulders shake from his silent weeping, an allowance he rarely affords himself. 

The snow begins to stick to him in earnest, the armor cooling now that he has stopped moving. His tears slow and finally stop and he looks up at the sky a final time. The moon barely peeks out from the clouds, and is soon covered again. He sighs, and pulls a gauntlet off so he can wipe his eyes and cheeks. The shield is returned to his back, the gauntlet slipped back on, and he stands slowly, picking up his helmet and sword as he does. His weapon sheathed, he leaves the training grounds, his helmet carried under one arm.

The snow continues to fall, and the lone knight slowly makes his way home, the confident stride from earlier now stiff and awkward. His head is down.  

A storm is coming. 

[cwprocess]

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[9800sblog]

it can be a change of mind tho maybe he doesn’t want to share anything at current time i don’t know. but i wanted to ask if you could ask him how he feels these days? if he replies, is there a change of mind or he just being himself and wants to stay private? nothing serious, or is changed? just a check on his current situation. him being totally private kinda worried me. because i feel like san is a very strong soul spiritually as well. -mel

san tarot reading

energy check-in

do I have his energy permission to do and share this reading? the star

san reinforced that I have to reassure fans that nothing is too bad, there's no need for desperation or heartbreak, he's a regular guy and he knows it's scary to see trouble and not know what to do, but he is really ok. (3 of swords, knight of wands reversed, ace of wands, king of cups)

hi mel 👋👋 love seeing you around, I've been well! sorry for the delay, it just didn't feel right before.

like me and other readers have noticed, ateez are just tired and don't have much time to think about their troubles, which makes them last longer than need be. I feel like we often feel closed off to their energies, because they like/need to use all their alone time to really renew and do a bit of soul searching. I think currently there is nothing for fans to really worry about with members.

mind/feelings

4 of cups, judgement, 3 of wands reversed

me and other readers have seen similar things in all/most ateez members for a few months now, their present time is just not what they expected, planned or hoped for as teenagers (when they started). I think this is a common thing, it doesn't seem like something to intensely worry about, it seems like usual young adult crisis, like most of us are having (same feelings and thoughts, just a different reality). I know he doesn't have a religion but he may be relying a lot on some sort of spiritual thing, may even be someone who is spiritual. san is very introspective, trying to figure out who he is, what he does and doesn't like, what fits into his life, but it's difficult because he's still so young, his life is planned out for him, he feels like he doesn't have much control of his own choices and personality. ateez are naturally introspective and soulful people but they don't have much restful or alone time to really pick their brains, it's like procrastinating healing and soul searching that we all go through at their ages. he has suffered big disappointment and is trying to grow from it, but he has no option but to stay grounded and stuck in a mediocre reality. like mingi has said, he's looking for small happiness in daily life, to not think "I'll be happy once I have this". ateez is in a limbo state currently, they're not small or beginner celebrities but they're also not big or experienced enough to control their own careers/lives. it's a weird stage but he's taking his time with it, san is very smart and he's got people that understand him by his side, helping him, "saving" him. he's learning how everything and everyone is interconnected, how small details and choices can have a lot of power, learning when to accept and offer help, etc etc.

body/physical reality

10 of pentacles reversed, queen of pentacles reversed, 2 of cups reversed

his work responsibilities are fucking him up. queen of pentacles always make me think of fandom, and in reversed makes me of fanatics, manipulators, stalkers, etc. he's really really busy, not seeing his family who he loves deeply (his little cat 😭). san has been procrastinating his need for big changes, he may be instantly overwhelmed with the idea and since he has no time to think deeply, he just ignores it. he needs a break from work and selfish "supporters", be physically closer to those he is emotionally close to (like even his members seem to have little time together). he's living a money obsessed lifestyle when he is just a family guy.. he may be in autopilot mode a lot when in front of camera and not know how to turn it off when he gets home. his body may feel constantly tired and have muscle pain, maybe stomach/digestive issues as the cards suggest.

spirit/energy

the hermit, knight of swords, page of pentacles reversed

lightest part of the reading, san has a strong, powerful, incredibly smart and thoughtful spirit. san is currently feeling amazingly grateful for the success he has found early in his career, he's thankful to his members and staff for making this process easier and the goal achievable. he's grateful to himself specially for trying so hard, going after what he wants and not being afraid to dive deep into his soul when he needs. his soul is earning for change and action in his immediate life, earning for rebellion, a cause for riot. deep down, he knows other members would go with him to war (no soldier fights on their own), but his mind is a little slow and is still trying to figure out the best plan.

bottom of the deck

10 of cups

he's fine, he is so more than ok, there is nothing to worry about, at the end of the day, san is always deeply happy and grateful. not in a toxic positivity type of way, he's just got a good family, he's picked good friends, he lives in a good house, he's excited for his future and he sees a really bright one ahead of him. he's able to see the good in every situation and grow from things that sting him. oh he's so ok, I feel like, even if there's shocking news or something, he'd be like "hey! this just wasn't the ideal situation for me so I changed it, it's not a problem, I got this!". also, he looks like this emoji: 😼

[sumire-no-nikki]

Grow Into

It has been a rainy week over here. Only 8 days into February and I feel like I’ve lived four lives already. It has been awfully busy. I’m doing a million things and planning on doing even more. I’m not complaining though. I feel very present and engaged with every project I’m working on. It has been a very productive year so far.

I’m here in my study, lounging on my reading chair and sipping coffee (inexplicably at almost 19:00! don't worry it's decaf!). I feel enveloped by the silence as I reflect on the past couple of days that have been quiet on my end. It’s not out of sadness or anything painful like that. There are just periods of time when I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I've always been this way, I think. My inner world just feels so much more enticing that it doesn’t feel necessary to venture out. I’m thankful that my friends and loved ones understand this. I suppose an extrovert might read this and think, oh how pitiful. But there’s nothing sad about it. I feel very nourished swimming in the lake of my own mind. There’s never anything to explain or justify, and I feel thoroughly fulfilled going about my days and getting things done this way.

At any rate I think I’m coming out of it now. I feel like my internal gauge is reading “ready to socialize again” so I’m crawling out of my personal wonderland to say hello.

I will say that something rather shocking happened to me recently. Shocking, sad in a way, but ultimately triumphant.

To make a long story short, I found out that someone had wronged me, for the millionth time, despite all the reassurances and chances in the world. It was something juvenile enough on its own. And it wasn’t the act itself that was upsetting to me, but the intention and effort to lie about it. This person hurt me with the attempt to misrepresent facts, and in doing so has communicated to me that they don’t think I’m important or worthy of consideration. When it mattered, they would choose to run me over. With every “I’m sorry” and every “I forgive you,” my affection for this person is diluted.

In the past, I took incidents like this very personally. When I wasn’t chosen by a friend group, it was some sort of judgment against me. When my mother compared me to other girls, it was an indication of my shortcomings. I always felt alone. Everyone else had an ally while I was left to starve for someone to fight my corner, to acknowledge my worth and defend it. I saw another person’s inability to value me as my personal responsibility. I thought I had to work hard to earn someone’s attention and investment. And because this is inevitably a fool’s errand, the result was always the same. I renewed my self hatred with every disappointment. I was sure there was something inherently unlovable about me.

But in the moment in which the truth hesitantly came out from this person, I saw very clearly that I had nothing to do with it. That while it was hurtful to me, while it was a blatant disregard of my own wellbeing, there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. No amount of loving harder, understanding better, or caring deeper would have changed the situation. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the other person.

While the conversation was unfolding, I was struck by the growth I noticed in myself. I have myself. I am my greatest ally. Yes, this person hurt me, but it doesn’t matter in the end. I will not be consumed by someone else’s failings. These were the thoughts I had, and I haven’t felt this proud of myself in a long time.

I don’t need their consideration if it’s not something they can provide. You wouldn’t go to the desert for snow after all. And that’s not a judgement against them. They are who they are. They can only be who they are. They make their choices. We’re just all different. And I’m at peace with that because I have all that I need right here. I have me.

I saw myself in that moment, reading someone’s apologies for something they’ve shown to not have any intention of changing or correcting, and felt such possessiveness over my heart and mind. I saw the woman I am and thought, you’re mine. You’re mine and I will take care of you. I smiled even after that shocking confrontation—all the unpleasantness just slid off my back. I held myself. The love I had been looking for all my life was right there. I was enough.

Perhaps this is very elementary to some people. But it meant a lot to hear it come from me. Not as an advice, not from a therapist, not from a self help book. It came from me because I wanted to tell myself that I love the girl I was, the woman I am and will be after all.

I was listening to a political podcast last week and the host brought up the fact that strong people are not those who can maintain an extended period of stability, but those who can go through all manner of changes. There’s a focus on making sure we don’t disrupt our lives as much as possible. We enter adulthood seeking a city to claim as ours, a career to specialize in, a partner to settle down with. A divergence from that path is widely considered as a bad thing, or worse, a failure. But I’m more convinced now than ever that if things don’t go well for me, I’ll be just fine anyway. I’m not worried anymore. I’m shedding the years of anxiety and control, and I’m giving way to a version of myself that’s even more liberated, resilient. I am growing into strength. I will keep on going no matter what. It’s in my nature.

Anyway, here are two books I’ve started reading recently. Water by John Boyle which is a book I bought last year while I was in Bath, and the other one is Nobody, Somebody, Anybody by Kelly McClorey. Both books are on my 24 books for 2024. I realized I hadn’t read one book from the list in January as I was feeling rather spontaneous then, so I’ve got to catch up with the list this month. I also plan to reread The Searcher by Tana French at the end of the month because the sequel novel is coming out first week of March and I want to be prepared. As a Tana French-stan (as the young ones say these days—how do you do fellow kids? lol) I cannot tell you just how excited I am for this new book. I’ve pre-ordered a signed copy and I am shaking with anticipation just typing this. Tana French novels represent a very specific feeling and time in my life, so I always welcome the opportunity to jump back into her written world. This is funny, now that I think about it, because her books are actually pretty damn bleak. Oh well!

Reading has been going in a somewhat slower pace, in comparison to how it was in the last quarter of last year. I’m fine with it so long as I’m on track to complete my annual goal. I do wish I would have more time to just devour more books though. Someone on Reddit calculated how many books they have left to read if they live up to a certain age and read a certain amount of books annually. That mildly alarmed me. I obviously have a handful of decades ahead of me (if everything goes well lol) but to have a concrete number of books you’ve got left to read in your lifetime is such an existential experience. But it’s a bit silly too, honestly, because all sorts of things could happen. You could die tomorrow, you could live longer than expected. You just never know.

Here’s a recent addition to the vinyl collection. It’s the deluxe edition of Billie Marten’s first album on colored vinyl. I have a copy of the first pressing from 2016, and I will say the main differences here is that the first pressing came in a nice sturdy textured cardboard gatefold, and the booklet has more pages and artwork. The packaging just feels more luxurious. It’s on a standard black vinyl and it sounds just fine. The repress on the other hand is an MOV pressing, which means it’s digitally mastered and not by the original label. The audio quality is very clean though, and it comes with deluxe edition tracks. It’s also numbered and limited to only 1000 copies. I plugged in my headphones into the receiver the other day to do an up close listening and it was a delight to listen to. It was like being in an amphitheater. I’m so happy to have this in my collection, relieved I snagged one before the scalpers hoard all the copies and start selling it for $300 a piece lmao. (Ah, vinyl collecting is just god awful nowadays… but that’s a topic for another day.)

Alright, that’s all for now. Here’s a Faye Webster song I’ve been revisiting a lot lately. It makes me want to be in silky pjs and walk around my house with a cup of coffee whenever I listen to this song. It feels like gentle morning sunshine, don’t you think?

I’m going to read now until my eyelids can’t stay open. I’m very cosy here. I hope you’re also keeping cosy wherever you are!

Toodeloo!

[comparativetarot]

Judgement. Art by Sara Strese, from the Be With Your Body Tarot.

Upright: Transformation, Rebirth

Reversed: Criticism, Judgement

“I notice how my efforts for growth have changed me.”

Renewal, growth, rebirth. The Judgment card acknowledges how far we’ve come and what it took for us to get here. 

[heirsofdiscord]

Wretched

FFXIVwrite prompt #7: Noisome | 1746 words Hurtful or noxious to health; unwholesome, insalubrious.

Both of Molyneux’s twins were known to be a bit much. If one were to guess by meeting them, Daxue would be more readily chosen as the worst of the two. He was a cantankerous man who didn’t have time for people below his intelligence. Which, considering he could easily get academic recognition from Old Sharlayan if he had the patience to stay there for more than a month or two, was most people. But if one were to catch his attention or prove themselves worthy of respect anyway, he could be quite cordial.

He also had a strong moral center which was something that could only dubiously be said of his twin.

Selene ─ name of a fairy, named for her mother, named for the moon ─ had a way about making people feel at ease around her. She had many friends and other connections that would talk highly of her. She was the sort of woman you went to when you wanted to have a good time. Partying was a sort of specialty. She was not, however, someone you wanted to trust or you’d find yourself in a world of hurt. Especially if one was a girl she found pretty.

Selene’s favorite woman was any woman Daxue had a relationship with. Keeping in mind that Daxue had been in love with the same woman since he was six. That woman though had recognized the threat in Selene’s advances and had rebuffed her just as readily as she rebuffed her brother. “Relationship” in this context was not restricted to romantic ones but extended to just about any woman who was in Daxue’s life be it platonically or strictly business.

Now, Selene was not romanceless. She’d tried to have real relationships with women. She did feel affection and even could love them wholeheartedly. The problem was she found that sort of thing kind of boring at best. Annoying at worst. Her various girlfriends would learn on her, their heads on her shoulder. Selene would be overcome with the intense want to wrap her hands around their delicate necks and squeeze.

Metaphorically speaking only, of course. She wasn’t like her parents; one of the infamous Warriors of Light and the Witch of Doma. Selene just had a particular adoration for things that shined and glittered. Nothing was better than tears. Angry tears, sad tears, didn’t really matter. Though happy tears were a bit weird. Who cried when they were happy? She also liked bumping into them afterward. Selene would wave to them cheerfully and the way their faces would coil in rage or shock or renewed despair. Couldn’t do that if they were dead.

Of course, not all girls were into her and she certainly wasn’t into men. There were other ways to pull the rug out from under them and Selene was an expert in that too.

Selene had managed to catch Daxue’s editor while she was en route to his office apartment. She’d just been shooting the breeze with her when she noticed the way she was favoring her hand was weird. “Thom left you finally huh?” Selene said as if to be sympathetic “,y’know I didn’t want to say anything but he seemed kinda upset with you last time I saw you too.”

Laticia could have acted angrily but she was a meek woman who up until a week ago, was content with her peaceful life. Selene had to give it to her though. She held her own trying to keep her tears in and gracefully excused herself. Laticia had business elsewhere she’d forgotten about. She still walked rather hurriedly back down the corridor she’d come.

“Thom is dead, you idiot,” Daxue’s scathing voice called.

Selene turned to see him standing in the doorway of his apartment, looking at her with the usual judgemental look. They’d both inherited their eyes from their mother; pale and cold. But where Selene’s hair was off-black blue, Daxue’s was an off-white rose. That had made him special, he’d told her so once when they were children. She’d dumped her paints on his hair while he’d slept that night. It was much prettier then.

She grinned at him innocently from behind her sunglasses “,I know.” If she cared about people, she could have been a damned good detective.

Daxue rolled his eyes and walked past her after Laticia with the intent to smooth things over. Selene wasn’t going to let him off easily though and followed after. If breaking people was her favorite hobby, provoking Daxue was her occupation. “Mom said─”

He spun on her, slamming his hand into her shoulder to keep her anchored where she stood. He was a bit of a weakling and Selene wasn’t a half bad fighter. “I have a question for you.”

“Oh?” Selene’s mouth curled with amusement.

“What are you going to do when you finally manage to kill me?” Daxue asked, seriously.

Selene considered, just as seriously. Their fights were childish squabbles once but had escalated in recent years. It was the reason why Daxue had left home when neither of his sisters had. Selene hated her family but she also loved them. But not Daxue. Daxue was something else entirely. She knew he felt the same of her. Sometimes she thought the only reason they weren’t making an actual go at the other’s life was because their parents were dead. But after that? All hats were off.

She grinned toothily at him “,think I’ll throw a party.”

Selene dreamed about it that night. Daxue lay below her, empty eyed after she’d strangled the life out of him with her own two hands. It had felt good in the moment. Then she was overcome with the feeling that she’d fulfilled her purpose. No. She’d failed her purpose. So utterly and completely that some cosmic force that governed their lives was soundlessly screaming at her. It all came spilling out. Everything that had made her her slipped out of her and bounced off the floor. An avalanche of gems and other sparkling things but she couldn’t see them. She was a hollow empty thing, forsaken and unloved for all eternity.

“Couldn’t hold it together for two seconds, huh?” Daxue’s corpse mocked her. His glassy eyes staring at her. Staring at nothing.

She’d woken up in a panic. It’s wasn’t that the dream scared her but she was feeling very much unlike herself. Or more that herself was split into two selves and one was very very wrong. There was a voice that wasn’t a voice. A voice that should have been her voice but she identified it as “Mother” but it was not her mother. It ─ and there were no better words for it than It ─ said to her in a way that was not words but was comfort that she’d not need to worry. She’d never ever be able to beat Daxue. This certainty did not comfort her.

Selene ripped out of bed and raced down the halls in a walk more hurried than Laticia. She didn’t really know what she was looking for until she threw open the doors to her sister’s room. Alicia sat up in bed, her face already alert. Powder blue hair, grey skin; she looked like her father’s daughter even if the Viera wasn’t actually related to the Elezen by blood. Had Alicia had words to speak she’d ask her what was wrong but her inability to speak outside certain situations or fully express her emotions on her face were her only flaw as far as Selene was concerned. She’d threw herself at her and Alicia caught her in an embrace.

Stupid perfect Alicia. She was warm and bright and so loving. Her penchant for justice was unerring where the rest of the Molyneux’s could wibble and merciful when they were unforgiving. She was also safe where their parents were not. Gently petting Selene’s hair while she cried into her shoulder, making a noise she supposed was supposed to be a comforting hum. She couldn’t do this with anyone else and not feel guilt and shame. If there was anything she hated about Alicia is that she had to be so perfect and so loved. She was following in their father’s footsteps and the apple of his eye. Daxue was his mother’s son in all ways. They were alike too much and clashed often but there was love and respect in their fights. Selene was only Selene’s.

She hated these nights when she didn’t feel like herself and the house didn’t feel like a house but a monster that didn’t care for her. It had been normal once, she thought. Montresor had had it built for the comfort of his wife and thus it was made with all the love and adoration he had for her. Then something had creeped up and into it when they were children and it could be so strange. These nights the other her was too strong to be ignored and sometimes Alicia was not here to keep her safe. She’d need to go out into the forest and do something inexplicably violent that could only be her and only her lest she disappear into the thing that wasn’t her.

Much like her uncle; Lochlann. The only other safe person in her family and the one she related to the most. He was her uncle by her grandmother but not her grandfather and thus had no Molyneux blood in him but was no less odd. He certainly stood out among them. He was loud and chaotic where the rest of them were all quiet and contemplative. It was always a whirlwind of happenings when he’d come to visit them but all his strangeness was at the cost of his mind. His thoughts were so hard to tear away from his work because it was the only thing that kept him tethered. Selene was always worried the next time she’d see him he’d be completely lost in his thoughts unable to acknowledge her. She knew by her father’s worried gaze that he feared the same.

She feared that this was the fate of family that were unwanted or unnoticed by the house, by the thing that lived in their blood and coiled in her body like it wanted to escape her. Her thoughts wandered to the dream and it occurred to her she did not know whether that was better or worse than fulfilling any purpose it had had for her. 

[kayleightarot]

Saturday, February 24, 2024 Good morning, Lovelies! Today is about Renewal, Moderation, and Healing Tarot of the Day: Temperance

Temperance is a card about balance, and the alchemy or delicate blend of energy and focus required to keep all aspects of your life on the right track. They are, in many ways, the embodiment of the Yin Yang; darkness in light, light in darkness, passion in peace. They accept human needs, desires, and drives, without judgement and guides us away from a harmful imbalance.

They can indicate a need to try several approaches to things before you find the balance that works for you but, in all things, she seeks moderation, and your highest good. This may be a good time to focus on any deeper personal issues you have been putting aside; time to work through them and integrate them in the balance; to heal.

💚 At work, this card notes a need for patient and diligent work. Temperance reminds you to ensure you’re aiming at a realistic target. Keep working as you have been and you will soon be noticed for your achievements. 💙 Whether you are in a relationship or not, Temperance highlights a need to rebalance yourself. Find your inner peace, heal what needs healing, forgive others and yourself, and let go so you can move forward 🧡 You are perfectly poised to rein in the energy you need and channel it toward your highest good. Wherever you decide that will be, do it with courage and the knowledge that the Universe supports your endeavours to embrace your highest good and highest healing. Gun a-màireach (until tomorrow), Lovelies Peace out

[gurorori]

9, 10 and 13 final answer locked in

😭😭😭 DTAY STRONG

9. share an unpopular opinion!

hmmm this is a bit hard 2 think of. i cud say a few unusual opinions on da way of dress itself but i have a general community opinion dat most lolitas wld definitely side eye me 4...

ok stay with me. bit of a fun topic but, kinksters in lolita. an' 100% i don' mean the s/ssies or anyone similar, sadly lolitas r quite used 2 bein' sexualised & havin' their pictures (especially if it's sweetloli) stolen & used in s/ssy imagines, so on, non-consensually ofc. which angers me too, kink is normal but involvin' ppl who want nothin' 2 do w it will always b nasty, even if it's only a picture. like i need them men 2 understand lolita isn' a girly girl costume, it's jus' a fashion. dat ppl wear, sumtimes everyday...

That Being Said. i find it very insultin' seein' most lolitas turn their noses when they see someone who is Also into kink, interact with the community. in a non-harmful way dat is, i'll explain. it doesn' happen very often but yunno how on reddit, if ya interact with nsfw subreddits & such, it will show on yr profile. well, i've noticed ppl in r/lolita bein' very judgemental of those who have a nsfw side, despite their posts in lolita bein' completely normal & nawt suspicious.

idk, i can only hope im mistaken & it's nawt actually 'most' lolitas, as a lot of da community is full grown adults, an' i don' hold the whole s/ssy thing against em, i'd b slightly wary seein' someone at the intersection of kink&loli too, but i hate seein' ppl act like they r interests without overlap. ya can only have one at a time, apparently.

so ye ig my unpopular opinion is dat ya can b into cool adult stuff & still wear lolita & keep those two separate. ya don' taint the fashion somehow & don' ruin anyone's impression of it. there's a lotta pressure sum ppl put on others in da community 2 always b this perfect representation of wat lolita is, but we r all jus' ppl w our own lives, wearin' unusual clothes. i think ppl r free 2 do the things they normally do.

n_n anyway da more tame opinions i have will always b old school related, an' it's a few style choices dat ppl outside old school look down upon, so i guesss.. unpopular? i luv peekin' bloomers, i luv small/no petticoat, i luv striped socks, i luv whites not matchin', i luv black shoes/accessories with sweet or shiro, i luv coords with a random bag/shirt/anythin' ya found home slapped on, if 2000s FRUiTS street snap girlies cud do it, ya can too.

10. do you prefer vintage or new dresses?

looks at ya with my autistic eyes. guess. guess.. guess. guess. I LUV OLD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!! i don' particularly mind re-releaaes of the old designs tho, so technically they'd b 'new', but 'm mostly in favor of older, used, even worn dresses/skirts/etc, if da price is good & it's a piece i want.. sumtimes the designs get updated a bit thru da years & end up lookin' different, which happend 2 a baby dress i own ↓

2005 (da version i own) vs current,

i still have no idea if we can trust new baby stock images but da color difference is crazy if true. havin' the older dress irl i can vouch it's.. actually even lighter in person, but dat might jus' b signs of wear. but yeah as ya see da design itself still had changed quite a bit, the cute lace curtain on da bodice is gone. i think da bigger bow on da neckline instead of da waist throws da balance off 4 me personally, too. like i jus' overall prefer the old version here.

i think dats my stanceeeee.. i don' mind buyin' re-releases & most likely will, but i still have more old-school preferences. it's quite hard 2 find pieces dat r both new & fit dat vibe still. as ya see even da old designs get renewed 2 da point where they lose their charm..

13. where would your ideal photoshoot be?

A CEMETERY!!! srsly, all da western places like europe & the us have such aesthetically pleasin' lookin' well-kept cemeteries with like nice greenery & stuff. here they r huge & ugly & very packed tho like it's nawt a place where ya can melancholically lean against a tombstone or stand menacingly & look gothic. nope.

aside from dat, jus any gothic architecture really, dark & imposin' n watever. obviously we don' have dat here either..