#nothing portrays ptsd daily life better

[stellarphileistic]

Most embarrasing thing I do, is I actually update my kin list every year as a solidarity for 2020 era me

[rpbetter]

PTSD or C-PTSD?

Hopefully, you’re not one of the muns out there who has slapped a “PTSD” label on your muse(s) for drama only. You are, instead, treating this topic with respect and the realism that comes with that, not only having it accurately impact your muse when it’s convenient and “fun” for you. Well, that respect and realism includes actually knowing and applying the correct diagnosis and symptoms as well.

In your defense, if you have misdiagnosed your muse, common terminology in media and even among trauma sufferers is often just the blanket-statement of PTSD. Also, as the abbreviations imply, they do have things in common. 

To help, I’m going to break down their differences and similarities, then provide some research links including personal accounts to help you get started.

PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder most often comes from a single traumatic event.

What can be a traumatic event can differ widely, and reasonably so; we’re not all the same person, processing events and emotions the same way, or with the same formative life experiences. What might cause PTSD to develop in one person might be processed by another as a frightening or painful incident, but not one that has left them with PTSD. The symptoms, individual, and incident have to all be taken into account.

That being said, some examples would include:

having a severe accident

being mugged or in a store that is robbed

physical or sexual assault

being involved in a shooting, in any way

death of a loved one

an unexpected explosion or sudden, natural event like a mudslide or tornado

a severe natural or man-made disaster (building collapse, mass flooding)

events outside of oneself like witnessing a violent assault, murder, deadly car accidents, terminal illness or injury

Again, it is important to remember that individuals react in individual ways, and as such, their symptoms can express with some variation. Don’t just mimic the same presentations you’ve seen in media, research a variety of real experiences.

However they manifest, key symptoms of PTSD include:

Re experiencing the event by way of nightmares, flashbacks, and repetitive, intrusive, and intensely upsetting images, thoughts, and sensations. This is the most common symptom of PTSD, in which the person involuntarily and vividly relives the trauma.

Avoidance and emotional numbing, going to extremes to avoid not just potential triggers, but also finding any way possible to push memories of the event out of their minds. When the latter occurs and is extreme, the person is trying to feel nothing at all, seeking a path to emotional numbness. That can include substance use and abuse, self-harming, and other harmful behaviors.

Feeling on edge (”Hyperarousal”) is the ultimate inability to relax, constantly looking for threats, perceiving threats that are not to be found, and being easily startled. Some of the common issues with being locked into this state include difficulty sleeping or even insomnia, severe irritability and irrational seeming aggression, angry or aggressive outbursts, and finding concentration difficult to impossible.

Some other things that might develop with PTSD are:

Other mental health concerns like anxiety, depression, and/or phobias

as said above, harmful behaviors like self-harming and substance abuse

physical symptoms like headaches, stomach and digestive upsets, dizziness, and generalized pain

Like all disorders, PTSD is complex. I, again, implore you to research not only information put out by psychiatric professionals but also the experiences of real people.

C-PTSD

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a person experiences repeated, consistent trauma, especially at an early age.

That doesn’t mean that adults cannot and do not develop C-PTSD, they do, and for a variety of reasons; adult sufferers have the same points of origin in the diagnosis as children do. Additionally, it may take years for someone to seek help, feel their symptoms are severe enough to need to, or be able to extricate themselves from the situation in order to receive help of any kind. They may be an adult by the time this happens.

The important thing to remember about C-PTSD is that it isn’t a single traumatic incident, and you are more likely to have this form of PTSD if the trauma occurred early in life, it was inflicted by someone close to you, and/or was inflicted by someone you still see on a regular basis.

Some good examples to give you the idea include:

ongoing domestic violence

child abuse and/or neglect

being raised by a parent with a severe disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder

repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse

torture

kidnapping

being a part of a cult

being a victim of human trafficking or slavery

It isn’t “complex” because it is always across the board “more severe.” This isn’t simply “even worse PTSD,” and shouldn’t be treated like that. Its source is more complex, the development and embedded varieties of its impact are, and the ongoing treatment is.

Particularly when C-PTSD occurs in childhood, there are lasting effects on a person’s development. They have developed in an environment that constantly has them highly stressed both physically and psychologically, and in which they learn many ways of coping, lessening or negating harm, and so on, that leave them less than optimally functional and integrated in life outside the situation.

While the person has the symptoms of PTSD, they will additionally exhibit:

difficulty developing and/or maintaining relationships of any sort

intense, consistent feelings of worthlessness, shame, and guilt

problems managing and even understanding their own emotions

suicidal thoughts

dissociation

increased risk-taking behaviors

Those who have had their actual development rerouted to deal with the situations that generate C-PTSD have a higher incidence of physical symptoms, suicide, self-harm, substance abuse, and are at higher risk of repeat victimization.

They might go for some time without realizing that their daily experiences are neither the norm nor something sustainable, or how atypical their traumatic experiences were compared to those around them. It can sometimes take a serious life-event (suicide attempt, drug rehab, losing too many jobs, homelessness, or finding themselves in a genuine, loving relationship) for them to fully recognize something is wrong, and even then, their feelings of worthlessness, ingrained lack of self-confidence, and belief that they don’t deserve any better can prevent them from seeking help outside of themselves.

They may also believe that something is just “wrong” with them, that they are innately messed up, or that they have a different mental illness. And the unwillingness to open up to people, relieve events, etc. can additionally leave them unwilling to seek or continue care when they believe they have a different, underlying problem. Again, choosing to deal with this themselves through self-isolating, self-medicating, and seeking only relationships and jobs that will work within the framework of the disorder as it effects them.

Additionally, many sufferers of both C-PTSD and PTSD experience the same sense of societal shaming surrounding mental illness. They may struggle with denial, and refuse to seek assistance due to the stigma and all it entails.

Shared aspects of PTSD and C-PTSD

They’re both, obviously, severe, life-altering trauma experiences and resultant disorders. They both easily make the sufferer feel like the trauma and disorder is impossible or undesirable for others to deal with, that they are not worthy of being in close relationships, among many other similarities in experience living with either disorder regardless of widely varying traumas.

They share psychological and physical impacts, and there is a lot of overlap.

The core symptoms of PTSD are shared with C-PTSD:

relieving the trauma(s)

avoiding and emotional numbing

hyperarousal

The shared physical symptoms can include:

headaches

nausea, stomach ache, and digestive upsets

difficulty sleeping and insomnia

sweating, clamminess

chest pain and difficulty breathing

manifestations of low-grade to severe pain

dizziness

Shared behaviors can include:

difficulty concentrating to outright dissociating

self-harm

substance abuse

being hyper-vigilant, easily startled

may seem to be over-reactive to/in situations that others are perceiving as normal or not that big of a deal due to lower perception of personal emotions and lower emotional regulation

including explosive anger or defensiveness

development of anxiety and depression disorders, the symptoms thereof

Again, both PTSD and C-PTSD are serious disorders caused by trauma, and they both need to be treated with respect and accuracy when written into a character - be that an OC or a canon character. It is unfortunate, but these symptoms and the realities of life with either disorder are often portrayed badly in wider media, and the RPC often imitates what it sees.

PTSD and C-PTSD, like the incidents of trauma that created them (rape, child abuse, domestic violence, miscarriage, etc.), are not a plot-point, other point of interest, or a character trait, let alone a “character flaw.” They’re not something you only bring up for attention, to get your muse out of a bad spot, or to add dramatics when you’re bored in a thread. Neither are they something you need to attach to your muse simply to give them A Label. These are, I cannot stress this enough, serious topics, and they deserve to be treated that way.

You can do that by defining which variety of PTSD your muse may actually have, then adding research of both the disorder and how it impacts a variety of real people. Making your muse more realistic and being dedicated to sticking with it.

Below are some links to get you started on research! Please note, the real stories, as well as some information, may be graphic or triggering. Read responsibly.

C-PTSD

Out of the Storm - Personal Stories of C-PTSD 

-Contains real stories from those with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Their experiences have a huge range; bullying, childhood neglect and abuse, and sexual abuse and assault.

 I Have Post-Traumatic Stress and Didn’t Know It - and You Might, Too

-Personal story of living, unknowingly, with C-PTSD. An especially great read for writers who have muses who hold a lot of responsibility in their daily lives, who may not realize their experiences are C-PTSD related, etc. Contains discussion of parental emotional abuse, mental illness and childhood trauma, and rape.

What is C-PTSD?

-Excellent resource for detailed breakdowns of C-PTSD giving without a clinical, impersonal tone. The definitions of the disorder itself, symptoms and how it manifests and impacts daily life, and much more. A highly recommended source, and one with further resources on-site.

 11 “Habits” of People Living with C-PTSD

-Short breakdown of C-PTSD, followed by snippets of specific experiences in the words of those living with the disorder, a relatively short article.

PTSD

Rebecca’s Story: Living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

-Personal story of a woman living with PTSD from, in short, being stalked by a co-worker. It’s an excellent article, particularly for how mental illnesses sufferers are treated and portrayed, and how that adds another layer of difficulty to their lives. Obviously, this may be triggering to those who have been stalked, and includes mentions of graphic threats.

My experience of PTSD

-A personal story of medical trauma resulting in PTSD. Many of the PTSD stories you’ll find are from women and involve sexual trauma or harassment, in trying to find a variety of stories, I’ve found this one. By this point, you should be noticing many similarities in these stories, regardless of specific trauma.

Leaving the Battlefield: Soldier Shares Story of PTSD

-So many muses experience PTSD through battle-related incidents, and those depictions are not always accurate in media. This is a personal story about one soldier’s experiences. His perception of PTSD, denial, and shame at having the disorder is something that echoes throughout the previous accounts. So do the similarities of daily struggles to maintain to regular life. Before anyone wants to get Tumblr Nasty about it: there isn’t any “war propaganda” present in this story, the location of it is irrelevant to what you’re supposed to be learning here. It’s literally this man’s experience, don’t.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 

-Breakdown of symptoms and causes from Mayo Clinic, so obviously, this is more clinical-minded. Particularly useful for its lists of things like “symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood” and increased risk-factor for other disorders.

I hope this helps you to assess and write more accurately your muses with C-PTSD or PTSD, and to consider these things more fully when having your muse experience a traumatic event in your plots.

-------

Please, remember when you are reading these accounts, and anywhere you might encounter PTSD sufferers; these are REAL PEOPLE. Treat them and their stories with respect. You’ll note that, unlike other posts on this blog, I didn’t advise you to approach the source. Many trauma sufferers won’t be comfortable sharing their experiences for the sake of your creative hobby. You may, at your respectful discretion, discuss this with close friends you know to be impacted by PTSD, just keep in mind that respect, discretion, and only bringing the topic up when they are comfortable with it, with specific questions, is necessary here. These are not fictional characters! Do not write someone’s real experiences into your character, thread, etc. verbatim, that’s...fucked up. Thanks in advance for being responsible, respectful adults, from a real life PTSD sufferer. -Vespertine

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se03. ep 6.(Part 1)

The main female protagonist who, has been the “mother /psychiatrist/ fixer/curse-breaker” for 57 eps & 2 seasons, has finally had her own “I’m a real person with my own issues” ep !!!! YESS! So happy!!! also, so underwhelmed. Tohru has been painted to be this utterly selfless & altruistic character for long, that when she’s finally a balanced character it’s presented in half an episode? Don’t get me wrong, I like the ep, but there’s also the same feeling of bullet train that I felt in momiji’s ep! ugh!! I hated that feeling! Go away~ oh well.. I’ll quickly state what I didn’t like, before jumping into what I liked, in order to end with a happier note~

What I didn’t like:

Tohru���s monologue after leaving shigure & Isuzu felt more like a background exposition more than a true character’s thoughts. The reason is that It is quickly narrated with quick flashbacks from the past with intentional pieces missing from the flashback. Pieces like” how did Kyoko hurt tohru? She said to kyo, in se02, ep “ I feel like I’ve only caused her sadness” &  tohru’s flashbacks in se02 of her mother leaving/ closing a door. All these things not included in tohru’s 1st ever personal monologue made it seem like quick fill in for the audience more than tohru’s main struggle. Compare it to Yuki’s 3 ep monologue in se02, filled with all his own background info, hence, we as audience sit back & just feel. With tohru a little brain work is needed of putting things together in the puzzle is needed because NOTHING abt her trauma has ever been explained to us prior to her monologue . Also, compare this kyo. A character who ONLY have 2 eps dedicated to him in 57 eps, yet even without monologues & with hidden secrets for climax purposes, his emotions are clear cuz his background was explained early in se01, ep24 & se02, ep9. Compared to them both, her monologue felt a bit lacking.

What’s up with the following scene? Her crying & kyo comforting her mid-street. He saw her crying, asked what’s wrong & she couldn’t say & he gave her a comforting advice. All good. Kyo always give the most needed advice for tohru to be herself & feel comforted. Se01, “complain more, be selfish” Se02, somen table scene & asking her abt her future plans & the hiro incident. Kyo has tried to guess whats wrong first. Here he saw her cry in the middle of the street & just gave her an advice? couldn’t he at least guess wrongly if it is her granpa? school? anything? This scene is AMAZING but it feels off a little.

Kyo’s “ now I remember” EXCUSE ME?????? se01, ep14, valentine ep, he got a nightmare, then when shigure talked to him, we saw a quick flashback that we didn’t now what it is but now it IS kyoko. se02, the entirety of ep9 & the “ I won’t forgive you” & the flashback of young him with kyoko talking abt tohru. se02, ep 22 his fight with yuki & the clear face of kyoko telling him abt something regarding the hat. His entire shutdown of tohru IS abt kyoko NOT abt him being a monster cuz tohru accepted monster kyo in se01 ep 24! so.. REMEMBER WHAT????? the accident?? I feel like being hit with a rock. I mean, it makes sense that kyo will get PTSD after seeing the hat, cuz he remembers the bloody accident vividly. But it is the dialogue that IS weird. “ I remember” ?? it makes no sense? unless it is another hidden secret & will be revealed later. If so, then forget this point.

Kagura (more on her below). Now, let’s talk abt what I liked!

-Grief (the most difficult theme to express in literature): Excellent writing!

Grief is one of the most diverse human emotions. ppl who grief a loved one either erase everything abt them in order to cope with the pain of loss & live on, or drastically engrave everything, not want any memory to slip away, or hold the deceased on a pedestal, or hate them irrationally in order to forget abt them, some deny that the loved one is gone, others talk to them daily, some act & live normally for years & suddenly it hits them that this loved person is truly gone & they breakdown. Others, direct their disbelief of losing a precious one into the envy that other bad ppl are still living, why my precious one is dead?. Thats why, it is a difficulty emotion to understand by others. Ppl watching you will always think that comforting you is enough & that the longer you take, the more impatient they are with you. Tell me, watching tohru this ep, didn’t you feel that:

Come on. tohru, you can love your mom & kyo! who says only ONE person can be your precious?

Umm, why she cries for her mom NOW? 2 years after her death? Is she over it already?

Tohru~~ your mom aint going no where cuz you loved a guy? she’s in your heart, girl. Ugh!

Compared to yuki who was abused by his parents & kyo whose mom commit suicide in front of him, tohru’s trauma is meh~

Feeling this way abt tohru is exactly how many feel abt ppl struggling with grief. You are NOT a bad person if you felt this way. It means that thankfully you weren’t struck by grief to tohru’s extent or that your grief went about differently than tohru. Grief is a crippling feeling. It is valid, strong, overwhelming, paralyzing & above all very unique to the person themselves. Tohru feeling that her mom is slipping away from her memory is so realistic & utterly heartbreaking. Grief hurts & moving on from grief hurts more!!!! The more you go on & live your life, the more you feel like you betray your loved one.

Tohru’s entire existence is for her mother & so her mother LIVES inside her:

Finishing high school cuz it’s her mother’s request.

Getting a job to sustain herself cuz she has no one to support her financially.

Giving her mom’s wisdom & teachings abt life to others.

imitating her dad’s speaking style to prevent her mom from “leaving”.

Being the perfect girl in order to portray that her mom, who is a gangster & is hinted by the ugly relatives to be unfaithful to her husband due to tohru not taking after her dad, actually raised a respectful girl!

Talking to a dead cold lifeless picture as if it is a living human being & going into panic attacks when she looses such pictures.

Suppressing all her true “ ugly, negative” emotions & only giving the fake smiles & positive attitude.

She fears that ppl will leave her if she isn’t “comforting, happy”, hence, the whole facade of “ i’m okay, I’m okay”.

Immersing her self in ppl’s issues so she won’t face her own feelings of utter loneliness, fear of the future, & being left behind when everybody moves on with their lives.

Thinking that having selfish desires contradicts the “ hopeful, kind” girl images, hence, the fear to actually wants sth for herself. Everything HAS TO BE for the sake of the others.

Tohru is deeply traumatized & her complex, unhealthy but extremely realistic attachment to her mom must be broken. Tohru must learn to LET GO.

-Kagura’s character’s assassination. aka (violence heals y’all!)

The show wanted to express the emotion that kagura is still in love with kyo, but is learning to let go & accepting kyo/tohru love. I love that. Her speech with kazuma abt not being able to face tohru cuz her face will show her emotions is so relatable & it hit ME personally. Loved that. Then, she learns that tohru truly loves kyo & should confess to him not talk to Isuzu & I get that, it make sense that she lashes on thru & teach her the value of being open abt your feelings & dont loose him. all cool & understandable. BUT:

How dare you slap tohru like that? you don’t know what she’s going through? tohru is wearing funeral clothes for God’s sake! she just visited her dead mom, you insensitive woman! How dare you assume that all tohru is struggling with is love love, romance romance yay~ confess, kiss, be happy?

Tohru & kyo’s issues are deeper than typical, normal, shallow shojo love. It is related to child trauma & abuse. To their own individual identity & self-image! Their romantic love is meant to guide them towards better choices for the future, not magically heal everything. Their mutual love is NOT the answer to their issues.

How dare you slap someone to make them go back to their senses? this is such an anime move! ugh!~ it cheapens the emotional weight of character’s emotions.

“ I’m not apologizing to tohru. We communicate thro fists” excuse me?  you arent even communicating with kyo thro fists! he sees you & run! the only time he thanked you for, was when you didn’t “ communicate thro fists” & played with him as a child! Not only make her hit tohru but not apologize??

No one told her off? are you foreal?? Isuzu pouting lips is no match for Isuzu powerful emotions when she’s embarrassed, & kazuma! where you at? Happy at the “ open confrontation”? Why do you kill kagura’s character like that?

Side Notes:

I hate how this went by in half an ep like they did with machi!! tohru is THE main character for God’s sake! But it looks like the show is not so fond of the true tohru who wants stuff & screams & talks to herself, alas she isn’t the angelic, innocent girl that is saturating the heck out of all shojo amines. Oh well~ perhaps tohru’s issues will be visited again in the finale?

Kyo gets PTSD reaction in front of tohru. great. Now what’s next? I won’t ever forgive the anime if next ep, kyo & tohru are all normal or worse the episodic theme prevents the continuation & jumps elsewhere. Nearly all the eps that didn’t end with a happy note, started the next ep somewhere & totally forgot the cliff hanger. such as, Isuzu’s ep in se02, it ended with tohru’s nightmare & next ep started yuki’s issues with tohru all smiley & bright. Another example, the Cinderella play ended with kyo/tohru torn symbolism where each is awkward with the other, next ep machi !!!!!! & kyo/ tohru all normal in kazuma’s house. But this time, it will be an epic mistake to do the same. Kyo going full traumatic in front of tohru to the point of her screaming is not sth you skip & start over erasing. Don’t disappoint me show! you can’t screw that, can you?

I love the symbolism of kyoko disappearing from the picture & the crack of her framed pic at the end with it still continued in he ED. Good job.

They are building for a hug clashing scene between kyo & tohtu. it must hurt. It is designed to hurt. I wanted it to hurt. It is not abt romance. It is abt mental & emotional trauma. I’m excited. But I’m scared. After today’s ep, I can confidently say I don’t trust the director. I’m an anime-only, but tohru’s part in the story is the least touched upon, the quickest to get over with & has the wackiest animation. They just don’t know how to depict an emotional tohru~ sigh~

Tohru is written to be a unique protagonist in the sea of innocent, selfless & always happy shojo heroine & opposed to the badass, physically strong female protag in shonen. She is the most realistic, but so much of her potential is wasted so far~~

“ saving the sohma’s. breaking the curse for others is a lie, in reality I wanted to do it for kyo” This line is supposed to be liberating for tohru cuz for once she is putting herself FIRST! It is not abt kyo. It is abt herself! it is cuz SHE wants him. See the difference? See how this line gives tohru the biggest character development!! but still sth is missing. I duno..

I have lots to say abt tohru, kyo, shigure, the grandpa, kyoko, Isuzu & even kazuma! I’ll do that in part 2.

I still liked the ep tho. It is solid. I”ll like it MORE if they continued from here & didn’t cut it cold.

[writingwithcolor]

I'm a POC who writes mainly white characters but after seeing all the "diversity" posts on this site I'm wondering if I may be subconsciously prejudiced and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been doing everything wrong and yet I don't want to change my stories/characters to suit everyone else while not liking them myself.

To Write (or not write) with Diversity

No one can force you to write inclusive stories. Inclusive meaning media that consists of marginalized people, because that is what diversity really is - including people who have always been right there, but have been purposefully left out and erased from the pages of books and scripts. Those who are, when finally represented, are overwhelmingly assigned small, unflattering, and / or stereotypical roles.

Pages like Writing With Color are an offering. Our presence here is for those who choose to write with diversity. We aim to make being inclusive easier because we all believe in the importance of it. But as much as we know how enriching diversity can be, we cannot convince you to do something you don’t necessarily believe in.

Don’t do it because you feel forced

As you mentioned, you’ve read the posts. You know the facts. The decision cannot be forced upon you.  If anything, including diversity out of obligation alone could lead to bad representation. Forcing people to do things without motivation usually means it’ll lack effort, or be done with spite. Trust me when I say marginalized people don’t usually want to see themselves represented by someone who does not want them there. That unwelcome feeling shows. In short: Lack of representation hurts. Bad representation hurts worse.

I only ask that you have accountability.  

Now that you’re aware that your works default to white, you have a choice to make. I think a lot of us grew up reading and writing very white stories - both as PoC and white people - but once you possess the knowledge that things can be different, your next step is a conscious one. You’re not on auto-pilot anymore when you make everyone white (and/or straight, able-bodied, etc). You know better now. Own up to your choices.

So ask yourself: why have I chosen to write without diversity?

I’m afraid to write People of Color. 

Being uncomfortable writing People of Color is a big reason why people stick to writing white people, and only garnish their stories with PoC, if that. White people have long been the default, the everyman. White perspectives are “neutral” to approach. It’s daunting to go from feeling you can portray characters in whatever way you wish to suddenly having the weight of good versus harmful representation on your shoulders.

You don’t want backlash from getting it wrong. You also don’t want to be insensitive to groups. It’s easy to avoid writing them altogether, right? Sure. 

Be aware, though:

You’re making a choice to exclude people out of fear.

Of course, new things are scary. But that’s okay! Courage is the ability to do things that frighten you. Face your fears. Will you shrink away from the challenge, or use it to your advantage?

Let the fear fuel you to do better and to know better. Your concerns about writing PoC can drive you to get the research right in order to best represent people. If your fear is leading to more effort into thoughtful creation, you’re putting it to good use.

Let me tell you right now - you will mess up.

Maybe in small ways, perhaps in a big way. But mistakes will not kick start the apocalypse. Ideally:

Do your research to avoid the most obvious and devastating mistakes from the jump.

Equip yourself with the right beta-reader and sensitivity readers to catch those things. 

Even with errors, your story can be quite enjoyable for people who hardly see themselves represented. Yes, mistakes and all.

As a Black woman bookworm, if you write an exciting story about a Black girl on adventures and falling in love but mention a few questionable things about how she takes care of her hair…I will wince, but it won’t ruin the book for me. I’m willing to overlook some things, for the sake of my enjoyment, and let the author know how I felt about those parts in hopes they can improve.

Say you get something real important wrong. People call you out for it. I suggest you apologize, listen to their critiques, and do better. If possible, pull back the story and re-release when you’ve improved the piece. If that’s not an option, fix it in future works. Getting a finger wagged at you doesn’t mean lock up in fear and never write with diversity again. It means you improve.

Research PoC like you would on any topic:

For comparison’s sake, consider writing People of Color (or any group different from you) like writing other topics you’re unfamiliar with in-depth. 

For example: You may know the basics on Medieval England. The knights, royalty, and so on. But i’m sure there’s a lot of misconceptions mixed in there from television or unreliable sources. 

To write people from this perspective, you would do lots of additional research… right?  

If someone mentioned how you messed up on some of the facts, you would take note and dig into it more for the future…right? 

You might even have more experienced persons check your facts for accuracy beforehand to do the best job possible.

Approach researching PoC in the same way as other topics. There may not be hard facts on how to write an X character, but there are portrayals to avoid with explanations why, and roles people want to see themselves in.

I don’t like to be told what to write.

There’s this misconception that writing with diversity restricts creativity. I get it - there are things you’re being told not to do when writing certain groups. The lists of No’s can get dense. This reflects how poor representation has been for People of Color as there are a number of stereotypical portrayals folks are tired of seeing and has been detrimental to them.

Fiction simply reflects real life: People of Color being viewed through the lens of preconceived notions means being written on with those stereotypes in mind. It is a vicious cycle. Stereotypes are more than an annoyance - they can and do lead to real life consequences.

Being treated like a stereotype lowers our quality of life. Experiencing racism and daily microaggressions has a psychological effect - from insecurity, depression and PTSD - it is serious. (X)

Viewing People of Color by their stereotypes is what makes, say, a Black person who speaks with passion no matter what it’s about (and even if they’ve been wronged) too hostile and “Angry” to take seriously. If anything, they’re now a serious threat. And that’s dangerous for them.

Put yourself in the shoes of the overly typecast.

Think of a time someone misunderstood you. You had a bad day and acted grumpy. Well, being a grump defines who you are now. When asked, people describe you as crabby and humorless. Every new person you meet sees your every action through that lens.

Strangers tiptoe around you, as they can just tell you’re ill-tempered. Peers choose their words carefully, afraid of what might spark your wrath. Your children even inherit the title; teachers discipline them more and take other students’ word over theirs- your kids are snappy, difficult, and known to not play well with others, after all.

Wouldn’t that get old? Wouldn’t you feel it was unfair to be reduced to a label, and that you’re sick of being defined by it? Wouldn’t you have the desire to be seen for who you truly are, and can be? Perhaps you do get grumpy sometimes, which is just being human. You’re so much more than a grouch.

Stereotypes are not creative.

Writing outside of stereotypes open up so many more possibilities. How many times have we seen the Black Best Friend play out in media? You’re not being silenced when readers criticize your sassy sidekick. Your message has been heard, loud and clear - again and again and again. People are upset because it’s not anything new - in fact, it is quite old.  We want multiple portrayals. Why not create something new before you decide to write so closely to how we are always written?

OP said: I don’t want to change my stories/characters to suit everyone else while not liking them myself.

This should not be the case. Avoiding stereotypes has nothing to do with making unlikeable or even perfect characters. Simply make Characters of Color who go beyond stereotypes! Characters who are best friends without being arc-less doormats. Characters who are fierce and emotional and stand for something without being simplified to irrational, hostile, and angry. 

Knowing the difference between stereotype and culture is important, too. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing something wrong when their bias means they perceive your character as being stereotypical, or problematic, when they’re not. (See: Stereotyped vs Nuanced Characters and Audience Perception.)  

If anything, writing beyond hard labels leads to complex characters. Writing about new cultures is interesting and can be exciting. 

If you only like your East Asian characters when they’re geniuses or your Black girls when they’re angry without a cause…do some self-reflection. Why do your Characters of Color only seem “right” to you when they are flat, or confined to stereotypes? Why not allow them to be complex humans?

I’m not convinced that representation matters.

Well, representation does matter. A lot. While it has been written on so much, and there being countless studies, statistics, and personal accounts to support this, I would like to mention…

Representation (or lack thereof) lowers self-worth.

Studies show TV boosts the self-esteem of white boys. The confidence of People of Color and girls of all races, on the other hand, decreases when watching TV (X X). 

“If you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves.” -Junot Diaz

The Racial Empathy Gap.

I want to be brief (too late, right?) so let me just mention another point of research for you: the racial empathy gap. Stereotyped depictions and the limited roles for People of Color are internalized by society, leading to lack of empathy towards People of Color and the enforcement of stereotypes in real time. Lack of empathy actively affects how PoC are treated, such as the belief that Black people experience less pain than others and therefore are misdiagnosed (their illnesses and pain are downplayed) and under treated (X X X). 

Fiction Increases Empathy.

In addition to the racial empathy gap, look into the studies on how fiction improves empathy. For example: reading about vampires increases empathy towards vampires. Imagine what non-stereotyped, marginalized depictions in fiction can do for empathy.  (X, X)

The strength in which people are against representation speaks volumes. 

If representation does not matter, then why are some people so angry when it’s there? Let’s take book to movie depictions: 

A Character of Color depicted as white simply means they were the best actor for the job, according to a vocal presence in social media. 

However, even a verified Character of Color being depicted as such leads to boycotting, accusations of being “Politically-correct”, and wide complaints that they can’t relate to the characters and they are poor actors. Never mind that so many Actors of Color attend prestigious schools only to get so far.

The hypocrisy speaks to a need for more representation, and a prevalent lack of empathy. 

The People Want Diversity!

On a positive note: shows that reflect the real world, aka include diversity, continue to get high ratings despite many obstacles: those who don’t want them there, lack of advertising or inconvenient airtime for shows with diverse leads, the ole bait-and-switch method, and hasty cancellations. Not to mention media simply refusing to be inclusive even when they know “diversity sells” (X X). Gee, I wonder why….

Audiences are more drawn to projects that feature a diverse cast, a new study finds, though mirroring the population in the United States remains a problem.

“Less-diverse product underperforms in the marketplace, and yet it still dominates,” said Ana-Christina Ramón, the report’s co-author and assistant director of the Bunche Center. “This makes no financial sense.” 

-Diversity in Hollywood Pays Off in Ratings and Box Office, New Study Finds

Diversity simply reflects the real world accurately. 

There is nothing forced about diversity. People of Color exist in the real world, go out and about, and have lives. Creators including marginalized people only seems strange because media actively scratches them out as much as possible, pulling the marginalized out of focus to zoom in on white characters. That is what’s unrealistic. 

Ultimately, you, the writer, will write what you want. Just ask yourself why you have decided this is what you want to write. Are you okay with that reason? Despite all the progress that is being made, you’ll blend in just fine with all of the other mostly white books and movies out there. And as people become more conscious and bored with the same stories, we can and will choose to ignore whitewashed media.

The good thing is that there’s so much awareness and activism going on with representation; the path has been paved for you and it is not lonely! 

There are resources out there, and WWC continues to be one of them.

More Reading - Diversity:

Braving Diversity: How to Write Yourself (and others) out of your Story  (An early WWC post quite relevant to you, OP)

Diversity exists in the real world 

The Key to Moving Beyond checklisting is not LESS diversity 

Bad Representation vs Tokenism vs Diversity: just existing without justification like in the real world

How to research your racially/ethnically diverse characters 

–Colette

[kirishwima]

I am also very much MM trash, especially for Uknown and 707. So if you don’t mind me asking, do you have headcanons for either when MC is dealing with depression?? [Youre headcanons are amazing btw I keep dying when I read them aHaHhhhhhh ❤️🧡🖤🥰💜💖💕🥺]

hey! thank you for the sweet comment, it makes me really happy ;u;

YOOSUNG:

* He’s actually much more perceiving than you’d give him credit for-even if MC tries to hide their mental illness, he’ll still notice the little signs, the lethargy, the strained smiles, the half-heartedly hidden furstration

* He doesn’t really put two and two together at first-his MC is so sweet and nothing like what the movies portray depression to be

* He does get concerned however when there’s days where MC barely has the energy to get out of bed, when they’ll either eat too little or sleep too much, and he decides he needs to push them for answers.

* He’ll drag MC to the couch, will make the two of them some hot chocolate and take a hold of their hand, letting them know he’s noticed their behavior and wants to check in with them, make sure everything’s alright

* When he finds out MC has depression, he might ask some somewhat rude questions ‘but how can you be depressed? you’re so sweet and happy!’. He’ll spend hours reading up on depression online, from wikepedia to pubmed.com, he’ll scour the net for information on what he can do to help MC.

* Will try and get them to go on at least a brisk walk every day to get some excersice and sunlight; he’ll cook them meals and sit with them as long as it takes to eat even a little, and if they haven’t already, he’ll talk to them and try to convince them to visit a psychiatrist to start therapy for their mental health.

* Just wants the best for his MC, and if he can’t be the one to provide the help they need, then he’ll be sure to help them get access to it

JAEHEE:

* Honestly…it might take her a while to catch on to what’s going on

* She’s a busy person and while perceptive, she might not immediatly put two and two together. Sure, she’s noticed MC often sleeps in or stays up late, and sometime she’ll nag at them to eat proper meals, but she just figured it’s how MC is-lots of people are night owls and picky eaters right?

* She realises there’s a deeper problem when once, while asking MC for something e.g to turn on the kettle, MC snaps at her, and immediatly regretting it-MC’s eyes fill up with tears and they cover their mouth, scared of how Jaehee will react.

* Well, she certaintly doesn’t react the way they expected her to-she simply stops whatever she was going and comes close to MC, cusping their cheeks between her palms.

* She kisses the tips of their nose as she guides them to the kitchen table, nodding to them to sit down.

* “I don’t….you know I care for you right? And if there’s something wrong, something you’d like to want to talk about, then I want to be the person you feel safe talking to about it. So, is there something you want to tell me?”

* When MC tells her about their depression, she keeps her face as neutral as possible. She feels a pang of guilt in her gut for not realising it sooner, but knows that that’s not what’s important right now. 

* Instead she asks MC if she’s seeing a therapist or taking any medications, and if so how it’s going, what their therapist suggests that could help e.t.c.

* She reads up on depression and looks for things she can do to help MC.

* She’ll constantly nag at them to eat and sleep properly, and in turn it also helps her set up healthy sleep scedhules and meal prepping-and it makes her so happy to see MC standing there with her in the kitchen, cooking their meals for the week together. 

* It’s not always a rosy path, but she’ll do whatever she can to help the one she loves.

ZEN:

* He’s also a busy man with an insanely busy scedhule, so quite frankly, he doesn’t really notice something’s wrong 

* He sees MC’s cyclothymic mood and is worried about it-one moment they’ll be happy and giggling at something he said, the next they’re distant, furstrated even if he tries to probe at what the matter is

* He decides to try and take a few days off, simply to be at home with MC, see if maybe they’re acting this way because they feel he’s neglecting them

* Well, as soon as he spends a couple of days spending more time with MC, he puts the pieces together and more or less realises what’s wrong-he’s been through a depressive slump more than once through the years, and while it wasn’t quite what MC seems to be going through, he can tell what the most probable cause of their behavior is

* He sits them down and traces their jaw with his fingertips, smiling softly at them. “Baby, if something’s wrong you’d tell me right? You know I’m your knight in shining armor. If something’s bothering you, then I need to know so I can kick it in the butt for tormenting my darling.”

* When MC talks to him about their depression he nods along, his smile shakey-he hates the thought of his baby going through such things, and wishes their depression could be a dragon he could slay, somehting he could take and destroy-but he knows there’s little he himself can do.

* “What if...” he starts, “what if we talk to Jumin about this, ask him to recommend us some good therapists? I’ll be there to help you every step of the way baby, you know that, but I think this is something that requires more help than I or you yourself can give you. What do you say?”

* He’ll of course help MC improve their daily life-he’ll drag them with him for morning jogs, will sit them on the hilt of the bathtub as he places facemasks and strawberry slices on their face for some pampering self-care; he’ll really be their knight in shining armour, only in this case, it’ll be the prince/princess that will slay the dragon themselves. He’ll just be there to give a helping hand whenevr needed.

JUMIN:

* He notices that something’s wrong right away

* This man is so observant, it’ll take him no time at all to notice MC’s sleeping and eating patterns, their mood changes and isolation.

* It pains him so much to see his beloved in such a state, and wonders what he could do to help. 

* He actually consults V, knowing his experience with Rika and how he could have more solid advice to give.

* V instead gives him the number of Rika’s past therapist, an excellent psychiatrist he strongly recommends MC visits. He explains to Jumin that even with the best intentions he may have, this isn’t something simple love and care for one another can solve-this is a health issue, same as any other ailment of the body.

* Jumin takes some time before talking to MC about it-he wants to be composed and sure of what he wants to tell them before having this conversation, wanting to be as efficient in helping them as possible.

* He’ll prepare a romantic dinner on the terrace for the two of them and lead MC there, prodding them discreetly throughtout the night to tell him if something’s bothering them.

* Eventually, if they don’t tell him what’s wrong, he’ll admit to noticing their behavior and figuring these are tell-tale signs of clinical depression. He reminds them how much he loves them and how he always wants what’s best for them, and mentions the therapist V told him about, saying that if MC’s willing, he’ll take them for an appointment there first thing in the morning.

* He’ll constantly check on MC even if he’s at work, and if he’s unable to be there to have lunch and dinner with them, he’ll call them during mealtimes, or even have a videochat to make sure they’re eating properly. 

* He’ll even fix his own sleep scedhule so that they can also sleep properly, and will prepare some Valerian root tea for them both before bed to help relax and sleep better.

* Whatever MC needs to get better, he’ll provide, always

SEVEN/SAEYOUNG:

* Lmao this boy is absolotuely definitely clinically depressed

* (I headcanon he might have a combo of anxiety-depression, which are very often intelinked and found together. My best guess is that he has some form of PTSD considering his past, and when he panics he self-isolates and becomes non-verbal ((something i also do orz)))

* The moment he and MC start living together he immediatly knows what’s up-they have similar symptoms as he does, and while he wants nothing more than to help them...he honestly doesn’t know how

* He never seeked help for his own mental health, and he never tried to really work on himself either, so he has no advice nor help he can offer.

* But god dammit he will NOT let the person he loves suffer like this!

* He’ll take some time before talking to MC, and when he does it’ll probably be spontaneous-he’ll be holding them close to his chest one late night when they’re both away, running his hand through their hair before breaking down, telling them about his own experiences with depression and his past, and tells them how he noticed their own patterns and behavior, and begs them to seek out some help. 

* MC makes a compromise-they’ll seek help only if Seven does too

* He reluctantly agrees-it’s a long uphill slippery road to recovery, and trying to help both themselves and one another is much harder than you’d think, and fights often ensue, but love always prevails-they both want to see each other happy, want to be the best version of themselves for each other, an they’ll keep fighting until they reach the point where they can fully support one another through it all.

V/JIHYUN:

* He’s been diagnosed with depression years ago

* He pretty much knew something was wrong ever since he was young, but never really understood just what that was-he only got his diangosis when he was an adult and decided on his own accord to visit a therapist after Rika started seeing one too

* He’s been on anti-depressants for a few years now, and has monthly therapy sessions, something which to him is both a blessing and a curse-there’s so many secrets burdening him that he can’t mention neither to his therapist nor to anyone else, but he also wants to better himself, not for his sake, but for the sake of the RFA-he wants to be the best leader he can be.

* When he and MC move in together, he instantly knows they’re also suffering with depression. It breaks his heart to see them go through the same pain he has gone through, and wastes no time in talking to them about it.

* He’s very open and honest about his own struggles with it, how much therapy and medications helped him, and how he wants to help MC find their footing too, that he loves them too much to see them hurt like this.

* If he could physically pull their mental illness out of them and take it onto himself he would, he really would, but he knows it’s impossible, so he does the next best thing-he drives MC to one of the best psychiatrists he knows, waits outside until their session is over, drives with them to the pharmacy to pick up their prescription, holding their hand tight.

* They’ll help one another with bettering their lifestyle-they’ll push one another to wake up ealrly in the morning and do some yoga, will take walks together when the weather’s nice, will find different hobbies they could work on-V picks up pottery and he really loves it, and if MC is into gardening, he’ll make wonderful flower pots for them to put their plants into.

* They remind one another to take their medications-V is surprisingly forgetful so they set up reminders for each of them. 

* He never wants MC to go through anything that he has, and will be there to support them no matter what-he loves them, he wants to see them grow, and he’ll do whatever it takes to see his beloved happy and healthy.

- If you’re suffering with mental illness or suspect you might, PLEASE SEEK HELP WHENEVR POSSIBLE. The proper combination of therapy, medication and lifestyle changes really DOES help and you deserve to be happy and healthy!-

-Send me scenarios/headcanons for the mystic messenger characters to react to!-

[playmakiing]

        It is heavily implied in the show that Yuusaku suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I also believe that he is autistic as well.  In this post, I will be outlining and explaining these two disorders in perspective of my interpretation of our favorite hacker.  Sidenote, while I do not have PTSD, I have and continue to do research on the disorder in order to have an accurate portrayal in my muse.  However, each person's experiences with PTSD are not universal, so just because this is how I choose to portray this headcanon does not mean it is going to similar to anyone else's personal experiences.  Also, while I am actually autistic, autism is also displayed in a wide variety of ways.  Parts of my autistic interpretation stem from my own symptoms, other parts are from further research.  I will take any inquiries and constructive criticism about these headcanons, but I will not bother with baseless hate.

        So with that out of the way, let's get to it!  I'm keeping this under a read more since it will be a long post.

PTSD

        Due to the horrific nature of the Hanoi Project, Yuusaku developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder even though he was only six years old.  Once a happy child, Yuusaku returned with severe symptoms of self-isolation, emotional detachment, and sleepless nights haunted by memories.  Even though he was put into therapy, the sessions could only help so much before proving to be ineffective.  In the end, Yuusaku was left with nothing but the loss of his innocence and a couple of coping methods designed by his own, young mind.         For many years Yuusaku was unable to sleep alone without waking up with screams of terror, and the orphanage caretakers soon learned that he was only able to sleep a dreamless sleep during the day when around the other children.         This caused for them to rearrange things to were Yuusaku was rooming with other young boys at night; they also hoped that perhaps he would be able to socialize more if he's constantly around others in this manner.  Sadly, their plan only worked with giving Yuusaku more nights of sleep.  He still refused to talk to others, existing as a lifeless doll for several years.  However, there was one force that kept Yuusaku awake, and that was the existence of his "special person"--aka, the voice that gave him three reasons to survive.

        Skip forward to ten years later, and Yuusaku has yet to move on from his past demons.  It's only at the end of season one when he is able to begin a better healing process, but he will never be "over" his PTSD.

        The main symptoms that Yuusaku current exhibits are as followed:

        -Hypervigilance: he always has his guard up, whether in the real world or LINK VRAINS.  It is very difficult to sneak up on Yuusaku when he is awake, and he is easy to wake up at any moment.           -Social isolation: for the most part, Yuusaku keeps a steady distance from his peers and other people in his life.  While the distance has lessened in regards to specific individuals, he still doesn't have complete trust in them and tries to keep his walls up.         -Flashbacks: these don't occur much when he's awake, but his dreams at night are usually plagued by them.  Most flashbacks center around the times when he lost a duel and was painfully electrocuted as a result.         -Lack of interest: aside from his goals, Yuusaku finds it difficult to see a future for himself, and thus he finds it difficult to partake in hobbies or activities that don't help advance his goals.  Dueling is a task that he has yet to regain any pleasure from, and despite excelling at hacking and computers, doesn't find the activity to be enjoyable.  To him, these are all tools to help accomplish his goals.         -Insomnia and general issues with sleep: these two go hand-in-hand since Yuusaku's insomnia was greatly developed due to the frequent amount of nightmares he dreamt of as a child, which continues on as he ages.  The nightmares' intensity fluctuates depending on the amount of stress Yuusaku is dealing with.         -Emotional detachment: as Yuusaku would describe it, his heart and mind are trapped in an abyss with no means of escape.  He sees no future and time is frozen still for him.  These deep feelings of isolation and fear have caused him to distance himself emotionally from everyone, and he greatly struggles with forming an emotional attachment to anything or anyone.  There are a very select few things that he has an attachment to, one of those being his "special person."

ASD

        ASD, or Autism Spectrum Disorder, has a wide variety of symptoms and behaviors that range from person to person.  While many of these symptoms do overlap with ones for PTSD, I believe there are enough signs in Yuusaku for this headcanon to be distinctive.  Some of these symptoms, however, do not appear directly in canon ( yet ) but are shown through my writing.  Most of those are ones that I find very plausible for Yuusaku's character, and some are ones that I just want to write, and fuck what anyone else says about it.         The symptoms and experiences listed below are ones that I either interpret from Yusaku's character, integrate into my writing of him, or both.

        -Inappropriate social interaction & lack of understanding social cues: while this isn't heavily noticeable in the show, Yuusaku has been shown either "not get" what others are saying, or exhibits behavior that is deemed "socially inappropriate."  Examples of this are early on in the show when Shoichi and Ai make fun of Yuusaku's inability to talk to girls, and he's later shown to be following Aoi around in a rather stalker-ish manner.         -Lack of eye contact: Yuusaku is not one to maintain eye contact.  Not only does the action cause for him to become extremely uncomfortable, but prolonged exposure to forced eye contact will cause a mental strain.         -Compulsive behavior: Yuusaku is one for routine, and rarely likes to break his schedule.  Only events or situations that are dire or insanely important will prevent him from keeping to a schedule.  The older he gets, however, the less strict he is with his daily routines.         -Repetitive movements & words: In regards to words, Yuusaku has a fixation on listing things in threes, and this is usually to calm himself or clear his mind when clouded.  While this technique was given to him by his "special person," Yuusaku was at a young and impressionable age to where this method stuck and he uses it often.  As for movements, Yuusaku's main stims are taps, rubbing against his skin, and pressure.         -Intense interest in extreme specific things: . . .This is so evident in his fixation with the Knights of Hanoi in season one.  Like, literally nothing else mattered to Yuusaku aside from his quest against the Knights of Hanoi.  If that isn't a hyper-fixation, I don't know what is.  While he does lose this interest in season two, with the reveal of his "special person," Yuusaku has a similar fixation on him--it's not quite intense, but it's there.         -Heightened sensitivity: Yuusaku's five senses are more pronounced in comparison to other people.  Sights and sounds are more intense, smells and taste more noticeable, and touch is a pain usually.  Human contact is another sensation that Yuusaku despises.

Misc. Stuff Related to the Above Things

        -A lot of the autism symptoms are helpful in elevating the flashbacks and nightmares Yuusaku gets from his PTSD.  Examples of this are weighted blankets to pressure stim, having a "post nightmare routine" when he wakes up in the middle of the night and repeating relative lists of threes to himself.         -Yuusaku was never one to like foods with overwhelming flavors, and thus prefers milder foods when eating.  He tends to choke on food that is overstimulating.  The only exception to this is coffee, and that was a strongly acquired taste.         -Soft blankets ( as well as heavy blankets ) are a secret pleasure to Yuusaku's touch, and he will collect blankets with favored textures; he has over a dozen at this point, and will often make a blanket nest out of them to relieve stress ( this habit almost dies when Ai appears, because Yuusaku would rather die than be caught in such a situation by someone like Ai ).         -After a while of meeting Takeru, Yuusaku finds it soothing to be touching or to be held by his friend, and he is one of the very few people whose touch doesn't cause Yusaku to recoil.         -Yuusaku is rather touch-starved but hates touch at the same time.  Rest in fucking pieces.

        And that's about it for this headcanon post.  I may come back and edit this post with more information, or simply make add-on posts when new information settles in my brain.

[gynandromorph]

I don’t know if you answered this or not, but I saw your answer to an ask recentally about how not to create a schizophrenic character (the whole seeing the world how it really is or something); but how should one go about creating/writing/drawing a believable schizophrenic character?

honestly it’s not too hard imo BUT... i have a lot of experience with schizophrenia lmao. i think there’s a lot of good ways to go about it.

for a moment, consider a symptom an obstacle thrown at a character. it is something negative HAPPENING TO them, that they have to deal with. everyone deals with problems differently, and processes them emotionally after or during differently as well.so with that in mind, read up on schizophrenia and its symptoms and figure out how your character handles having them based on what you know about their personality. know that a lot of schizophrenia symptoms can fluctuate in severity, and that people generally don’t have Every Single Symptom because there are a LOT of symptoms.here’s a short list of the most common ones (ime, from talking to a lot of people):-hallucinations, usually somewhat thematic in nature, because your brain is habitual and will interpret similar confusing signals as the same kind of hallucination, ie. you might have recurring hallucinations of bugs under your skin or tracking chips under your skin, but it’s usually just one or the other. the repetitiousness tends to lend itself to thinking they mean something-anhedonia, “nothing feels good,” no motivation, think about how if you just had a nice meal how you aren’t inclined to eat any more at all and might even be a bit uncomfortable because of the fullness-- translate that into an emotion where it’s “being alive” instead of eating food-delusions, usually a mix of the paranoid/anxious variety which fluctuate in intensity and then the really deeply believed ones which also tend to be thematic with Personal Life Symbols-flat affect, resting bitch face except it’s permanent, basically, makes people think you’re, well, a bitch. your tone of voice is also flat and unexcited even if you’re feeling strong emotions-stimming or stereotypy, commonly repetitious head rolling or wrist rolling and rocking but it can be literally anything. autistic people tend to say they do this when they’re experiencing strong emotions, schizophrenic people stim idly all the time even when they’re chillin (probably due to constant internal stress). this is not a tic or a compulsion and you can control whether you do it or not, it just feels relaxing to do it.-insomnia, never met another schizophrenic who wasn’t regularly up until like 4 am for no reason, sometimes to their frustration. enough said-trouble concentrating, mixed up or racing thoughts, “brain fog”, forgetfulness, a lot of symptoms usually considered adhd things-social or general anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, trust issues. these ones usually aren’t from the schizophrenia naturally as much as “you’re traumatized from how friends, family, society treats you FOR having schizophrenia” so they are just basic ptsd symptoms.

you can pick literally any of them but for my schizophrenic characters... it varies. people usually have more positive or negative symptoms either altogether or switching between each other (ie. hallucinating a lot = less negative symptoms like fatigue), that’s what i would recommend as a rule of thumb. pick like... 3 symptoms, those ones affect their daily life the most.then pick 1 out of those 3-- that’s the one is the most actively debilitating to them on a conscious level. other symptoms might still be there but “not so bad” by comparison to The Big Symptoms in the character’s head. they cope better with the rest, basically.at least one symptom has to be paranoia, delusions, or hallucinations, but honestly... *shrug* you get used to those and tend not to mention them so i’m so-so about it.

other things to consider about the character are how long they’ve experienced symptoms, if they know why they experience those symptoms, and if they have any other disorders.i would personally lean away from focusing on hallucinations especially portraying them instead of just mentioning them and moreso ESPECIALLY hearing voices because it’s so overdone. i get that people really do hear voices a lot i’ve been there but in media it tends to not look accurate and come off as edgy due to the inaccuracy. i would rather have the character’s personality be focused on and maybe play off of symptoms at most. basically again, focus on the character’s reactions to symptoms instead of the fact that the symptoms exist at all, this is what makes a character relatable.

for the drawing part idk lmao, eyebags are a classic look due to the insomnia, there’s a tendency to look unkempt or extremely well-groomed (either of which can be played as a Look or seem just socially off depending on the character’s self-awareness), aaannnddd schizophrenics tend to smoke. like no exaggeration 70-80% of schizophrenics are smokers, usually heavy smokers.schizophrenics can look like anything otherwise tho. you tend to prefer strong aesthetics that subtly or overtly connect back to those Life Symbolism Themes (see: outis and canvaswear, izzi and the color green, mallory and goth shit, etc.)

i kinda went on a long winding trail there, so i hope that helps. it’s really not as hard as it sounds, like you could make a deadpan snarky sort of character, or a rude introvert, or a nervous wreck and slap “oh by the way they’re schizophrenic” on there (all related to symptoms mentioned above) and i personally would love that shit so

[idonthaveanaccent]

So how would aliens react finding out about mental issues like depression?

That’s actually a really interesting question!

One that I’ll have to quickly research before I write out this scenario.

Ahem.

Xylion was examining some books he found lying around Human Jenny’s cabin. Yes, he was technically stealing them from her, but he was very interested in what humans were like. Seeing as he had recently experienced the terrifying things known as Grand Theft Auto V, he had to find something redeemable.

Human Jenny had mentioned she was an Anthropologist, and when he questioned what that was, she said it was the study of humankind. He had to hold back his comment about how self-centered humans were if they had a job to study their own species.

So far, none of the textbooks revealed anything interesting. He saw some stuff about history, but chose to leave it alone. He had heard humans had a long history of wars and perils, so maybe that wasn’t the best one to look at.

The next one was all about the Human Brain. He flipped through it a bit, but found nothing of interest. Who would want to know how human brains work?

The last book he found was labeled ‘Mental Disorders’. He frowned. He knew mental meant mind, but disorders? Was something wrong with human minds?

He grabbed the book and opened it. However, before he could begin reading, he heard the voice. “And what do you think you’re doing?”

Xylion almost began to secrete mucus again. He turned around slowly to see Human Jenny. Her eyes were narrowed and her cheeks red with anger. Xylion felt his tentacles begin to quiver. “Ah, Human Jenny! You’re- uh- hello! How is your day?” He asked, dropping the book so he wouldn’t ruin it.

Human Jenny grimaced at the phlegm that began to cover his arms. “What are you doing in here, Xylion?” She asked, crossing her arms.

“I was simply looking at your books! I wanted to know more about humans.” Xylion saw no point in lying. His species was known for doing what was always best.

A grin spread across her face. “You could’ve just said so! I know all about humans! Not only am I one, but it’s my job to study them! Now, what do you need to know?”

Xylion was shocked at her sudden change in demeanor, but he took it as a pleasing from Xalzor, the primordial god from his planet. Xylion looked down at the book he had been interested in. “What are ‘Mental Disorders’?”

Human Jenny’s smile seemed to droop slightly. She made some weird noise that sounded somewhat like a cough. “Well, Mental Disorders are problems that affect humans’ mental, physical, and/or emotional wellbeing.”

“So, they are weaker than the average human?”

“No! Not at all! Each issue affects a person in different ways, though they all have similar problems that come with them.” Human Jenny reasoned.

Xylion frowned. “Like what?”

Human Jenny picked up the book and flipped to a random page. “Here, this is one that affects a lot of people in this day and age: Depression.”

“‘Depression’? And what is that?”

“Well, have you ever experienced sadness, Xylion?”

He had to think about that. “Yes, one time when I was younger my brothers played a crude joke on me that ended up with me believing that I was useless. Of course it was all in good fun and I learned that eventually, but I was quite sad until then.”

“And how long did it take for you to realize that?”

“About a day or so.”

Human Jenny sighed. “Well, imagine that you are feeling that sadness for weeks and months on end. It’s never ending. Joy isn’t something that really seems real to you. It’s like the world around you is faded and everything just seems to bounce off of you. Even when you’re doing something that used to make you happy, all you feel is this sense of overwhelming sadness waiting right around you.”

Xylion blinked. “Is that…curable?”

“Yes. With pills, it can sometimes help. Not only that, but psychotherapy helps too. Most people get better.”

“And those that don’t?”

Human Jenny hesitated with her answer. She sighed, looking down. “Let’s just say they all have different ideas on what to do then.”

Xylion frowned at the cryptic message. He was confused. What did happen to them? What did they choose to do? Before he could ask anything else about it, human Jenny was already flipping through the pages.

“Schizophrenia.” She murmured, looking down at the page. It was filled with colorful images. Xylion frowned.

Human Jenny looked up at him. “Schizophrenia is a disorder that gives the victim auditory, visual, olfactory, an/or tactile hallucinations. People with this issue often see things, hear things, smell things, or feel things that aren’t there. The cause of this isn’t understood, and it often includes lifetime treatment.”

Xylion shook his head. “That’s horrible. How do people endure that?”

“Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.”

Great, more vague answers. Xylion was getting sick of it, honestly.

Human Jenny sighed as she opened up another page. “Let’s see…Anxiety.”

“But…most humans have this disorder! Human Isaac often talks about how anxious he is! Is that not the same thing?”

“Yes, all humans experience anxiety, but it’s when it starts interfering with our daily lives that it becomes something serious. One example of anxiety is the Panic Attack centered anxiety. These panic attacks can do different things, though some of the things that can occur during them are: muscle tension, poor concentration, fear or confusion, the inability to relax, etcetera.”  

Xylion was shocked, yet again. “How do humans deal with this sort of thing?”

Human Jenny shuffled nervously before standing up. “Well, most people take pills to help them calm down and such.” Human Jenny began to rummage through a bin as she talked. “They take these pills to help keep them calm. Mainly because they fear dying in these situations, often feel discomfort, feel like they’re choking,” Human Jenny’s voice was fading now, “shortness of breath,” her breathing was getting raspy now, and Xylion was getting even more worried, “and others things.” She finished, coughing slightly.

He watched as she pulled out some orange container and opened it. Two white tablets fell into her palm and she pressed it against her mouth, letting the pills go in. He watched as she took her hand away and got a drink of water. As she swallowed the pills, she seemed to visibly relax. Xylion stood up. “Are you okay, Human Jenny?”

Her head hung slightly. “I’m alright. I just suffer from Anxiety, ya’ see? Sometimes when I talk about the different affects it has on us humans, I freak out. I’ll be fine, though.”

“Does anyone else aboard suffer from these disorders?”

Human Jenny nodded. “We’ve all had a problem sometime in our life. We aren’t exactly kids, you know?”

Xylion shuffled nervously. “What happened?”

“Well, Isaac has insomnia.”

“And what is that?”

Human Jenny sighed. “Well, insomnia is a sleeping disorder. It makes it so the person affected by it has trouble sleeping soundly at night. he has to take pills to help him fall asleep, otherwise he can’t sleep at night and won’t function as well in the mornings.”

Xylion looked down. He had never noticed this before. “And the others?”

“Well, Freddie’s been struggling with Depression ever since he lost his girlfriend in a shooting, and Mason has PTSD.”

“PTSD?”

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He was in combat back on earth and he saw a lot of death. He watched his friend’s die, and that’s not something you can easily bounce back from.”

Xylion looked down, sadness filling him. Just the knowledge that his fellow crewmembers went through this on a daily basis was saddening. He frowned. “How come you were all sent up here then?”

“Well, Isaac can take pills for his Insomnia and I can take pills for my Anxiety. Freddie also takes pills, and because I have a degree in Psychology I am able to be his therapist, which is the person that can help him through it. And Mason is mostly over his. He occasionally gets nightmares, but he’s mostly gotten over his PTSD. He’ll never be completely over it, but he can function without having an episode on a normal day-to-day basis. Sometimes it hits him, and it’s only happened once since we joined your crew.”

Xylion sighed. He gently put a tentacle on her shoulder and wrapped it around her, pulling her to him. “I’m so sorry you all have to deal with this. If I could help you, know I would.”

When human Jenny pulled back, her face was red. She nodded quickly. “Yeah, whatever you say, Xylion.”

Xylion smiled down at her. He realized something that day.

While they looked weak, humans were always fighting a war. They were always battling the inner problems. Even fi they looked fine, a human wasn’t always as happy as they seemed. He’d take that lesson to his grave.

So what’d you think?

I did my best to write this part, because it is a huge part of our society. Anyways, if you want to learn more about different mental issues, then click here. I did my best looking up each one that I used and tried to portray it as closely as possible. Sorry if I didn’t do that good of a job.

Anyways, if you ever feel like you need some help with something, know I could be there to help you.

And I hope you enjoyed this, Anon! It took me a bit to write this and research it, but I think it was worth it!

It was especially long because my dad kept through those little poppers at my brother and my sister keeps showing me those anime crack videos, but who cares, I’ve written in worse environments, I think.

And goodbye! See you in the next Humans are Weird post.

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Alexandra you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Septima Vector!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

A harder, more closed off character, is often hard to portray. Especially when it comes to their emotions and drives. But you did a fantastic job at letting us into Septima’s head, and exploring the reasons why she might find it easier to dwell on logics than emotion. Her pull between the Order and Aversio (alongside her beliefs on prejudice in the wizarding world) were fascinating, and we can’t wait to see you explore her character further as the war progresses and there’s more at stake! Welcome to the rp!

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Hello, my name is Alexandra, lovely to meet you! I’m 20 years old, my preferred pronouns are she/her/her’s and I’m in the EST time zone. I live in the United States, specifically on the east coast.

ACTIVITY

So, this next two weeks are a little crazy, I’m a university student who has finals this week, but I’m an A+ procrastinator, which is why I’m applying to this. Since you accept on Sunday’s, this will not be an issue. After that, I have off for a month, so my activity levels will probably be between 9 and 10, except for certain holidays.

When I arrive back at school in mid-January, my activity will probably fall between a 7-9, depending on the day. I am fortunate that my schedule is not too hectic next semester, so I will be on more frequently.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

I was just going around on Tumblr, looking for an RP to join and this one was intriguing. Not to judge a book by it’s cover, but your Main RP Blog was well put together and had a streamlined, clean look that I enjoyed.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

This is a great question and one that took me a while to think over, but the character I identify most with is Percy Weasley. He’s an “unloved” character, for sure. But, I think he really strove to be the perfect model of a son, with a good job, tried to make his parents proud, etc. I’ve been a Slytherin my entire life, so his ambition is not lost on me. He was kind of quirky, a little pompous, and definitely mature for his age – some of the traits that I definitely reflected in my childhood when first reading the books.

ANYTHING ELSE?

I really like the structure that this RP presents, but the one question I have is, how active are the people in this roleplay?

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Septima Vector

FACE CLAIM

Adelaide Kane

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

I love the depth of Septima. I love that she’s able to just kind of push down her feelings and move on with her life. I always find myself attracted to these types of characters in books, film, etc. because they have the potential to be so much more than their outside appearance portrays. I know it says specifically that Septima has never had to deal with loss. But maybe she has, maybe she lost a housemate at Hogwarts, maybe someone a year older or younger than her, someone she admired or helped during her time in school. She tries to force it down, tries to bury her emotions deeper, because she must help the cause. But, feelings don’t just disappear, there is no spell for feelings or emotions, they all come up eventually. Maybe she has PTSD, she wakes up in the middle of the night and her cheeks are wet from tears or she feel like she can’t breathe because the radiator in whatever hotel room she’s staying at sounds too much like rubble falling in one of the battles she’s faced. That’s why she has to help, whether she’s destructive or not, because just as much as she’s helping the Wizarding World, she’s helping herself get better. Or at least that’s what she believes the resolution of this war will bring.

Septima is the type of character that I can breathe life in to by providing that depth, that inner layer that can be explored in this RP. I think she’s make a good addition as a character to the diverse cast you already have in this RP and it would be an honor to play her.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

Septima is decidedly bisexual, but it takes a lot to really get into that thick shell of her’s. She’s definitely rigid when you first meet her, wondering if there’s really any fun in her at all. The answer is yes, it just takes a lot to get that out of her, usually some Firewhiskey is helpful. She’s more so just open to the fact that someone is trying to make an effort to get to know her. She identifies as a female and her pronouns are she/her/hers.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

-A MOODBOARD: x

-AN AESTHETIC: x

-A PLAYLIST: x

-A FEW HEADCANONS

           - Septima honestly tries to be nice, it’s just….not in her nature. Most days she’s in a bad mood before she’s had her tea, Daily Prophet in hand before composing herself into working order, dealing with problems one at a time, a notebook in hand, quill tucked behind her ear in an odd display of Ravenclaw-based problem solving. She works like a factory line, mechanical, and not having time for trivial problems like other people’s feelings.

           - Secretly worried about her spot in the Order, she wonders if people will judge her, knowing that her father was a proud Slytherin during his time at Hogwarts. She’s done nothing wrong, in fact, she’s kept several secrets for the Order that she would take to her grave. But she often wonders if wizard prejudice occurs on both sides of the fight?

           - Wants to be on the front lines. She’s usually behind the scenes, logistics, battle strategies on how to take the Dark Lord and his followers down, but she also wants to be a part of the action – even if that means risking her life.

           - Open about her sexuality, but just to herself. If someone else mentions something, she’s not afraid to shut them down. This applies for both sexes. When she’s working, especially when discussing things for Aversio and the Order, she doesn’t like to think about emotions, especially her own. This often runs over into her personal life.

           - Septima is actually super extraverted, but all those emotions are thrust down, so she kind of shuts down when another talks about anything super personal.

-A FEW POTENTIAL PLOT POINTS

           - Septima constantly struggling between doing the just thing and doing the right thing, they don’t always go hand in hand.

           - Septima’s constant pull between being faithful to the Order and being faithful to Aversio.

           - Her need, desire, want, etc. to fade into the background to actually get work done. Sometimes her actions can come across as borderline sinister and she can be downright mean. At the same time, her struggle to be out on the front lines with other, braver wizards.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

The following section should be looked at like a survey for your character. Answer them in character and feel free to use gifs. Or, if you’d rather, answer them in third person or OOC without gifs. Answers do not have to be extremely lengthy.

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

           I would invent a potion, temporary of course, just to rid the body of emotions for about thirty minutes. That’s all I need, that’s all anyone needs. If it acted as a way to just shut down the emotions of the body and allow for complete focus for a moment’s notice, then maybe we’d all be able to get more done. That being said, it would be an extremely dangerous potion and should only be used when absolutely necessary. I’d call it Afectos Potion, specifically utilizing the Latin root-word for “to affect”.

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

           I’d definitely take Davey Gudgeon with me! I’ve known him for awhile now, he’s an excellent wand caster, and although he can be a bit illogical, I can definitely use him for help with spell work, if need be. He’s a lot quicker on his feet than I am. And as for an object, I’d take just a ordinary, muggle mirror. I’d enchant it with a hover charm to keep it in my peripheral vision at all time, that way nothing can sneak up on me. I don’t trust the forest in the daylight, let alone during the night.

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

           Decisions when others are involved. Especially if it’s deciding between logic and what is morally right. It’s definitely a fine line between the two and one that isn’t always easily discernable from each other. That being said, when they align together and I am able to decide that the morally right thing is logical, it works out. Other times, when they do not work well together, I can spend hours pondering the idea.

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

           One thing that I would never want to be said about me is that I don’t care. I care to the extent that I cannot say, however, I tend not to show it. Members of the Order and their well-being is one of my topmost priorities, even if I cannot convey that to them through conversation. I don’t know how I would react if anything happened to them. Their my friends, I care about them deeply.

WRITING SAMPLE

           A long, blue cloak swept across the ground as Septima entered into the small pub. It was nearing midnight, but it was still a lively place where muggles sat, chatting comfortably, a tinny voice coming through some kind of muggle contraption in the back corner. Cigarettes smoke wafted through the air as she stepped, hood lowering, as she looked towards the bar. The bartender there jerked his head in the direction of a set of ordinary bathroom, the men’s out of order. She walked quickly across the floor, pointed shoes darting out from beneath the navy cloak and as she passed table by table, the noise and conversation ceased.

           She wondered if they had stopped their talking for every patron who had walked in here this evening, she could not be the only person who had walked in tonight wearing wizarding garb, she was running late as is, the meeting must have started without her. But why were so many people making such a big deal about her? She knew the cloak must have looked outdated, but she had seen worse things worn by some of the muggles in public. There were plenty of more interesting things to gawk at.

           “Merlin’s beard, Septima!” She heard as she pushed back the men’s doorway, only to reveal another room, one with a long table where several witches and wizards were sitting, “You’re really going to wear a formal cloak in this pub?”

           “Yeah,” Septima responded, hanging up the damned thing on a peg by the doorway, “I just got done work at the bookshop, didn’t even have time to go home and change.” She gestured down to the midnight blue robes before setting herself down at an empty chair. The rest were chatting away or grabbing Butterbeers from a corner across the room. Around her, jumpers and jeans could be found. She certainly was overdressed for the occasion. But none of that mattered, muggle clothing or not, they all knew what they were really here for.

           “Seeing as we’re mostly all here. Shall we begin?” Septima procured a small notebook and quill from the bag hanging around her waist and watched as the fellow members of Aversio around the table followed suit, “This week, I have a lot to report.”

           She took a deep breath, dipping the quill into her inkwell. As long as she was productive, nothing could get in her way.

[understandingchaoss]

An Open Letter to My Abuser

For those of you who did not already know, I moved out to Georgia in May of 2014 for just about the dumbest reason ever. I swore I was in love, and I was - I think - except it was with a nonexistent person.

Some men are very good at pretending to be exactly who and what you think you need. They say and do all the right things. They use it to their advantage and use it to manipulate you. I was naive, and believed him.

Looking back, there were red flags even from the start. I have struggled for years to understand why I was so stupid to believe him; to figure out why I was so stupid not to see all of the signs that he was manipulative and abusive in so many ways.

I have only been home for 3 years as of this November, but it feels like an eternity with all of the guilt, shame, and anger I have carried with me. Everything has felt so heavy for so long. I am not schizophrenic in any way, but I do hear a voice in my head. It’s more like the devil on my shoulder, and not a vivid voice, that in other people’s heads, seems real. But it is his voice that I hear anytime there is a negative thought that comes about. Any negative thought that I think of, I already heard him say during my six months of living out there.

For those of you who read my post about eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, you will recall that the first traumatic event that we have focused on has been this one. It’s where most of my self-hatred comes from, and when you work on the self-hatred, almost everything else surrounding it improves, which is why it was our first choice to rework.

I had my second session yesterday. It was difficult, but I made a lot of progress. However, at the end of it, she did say that she felt like there was still something that was left unsaid or undone in the reworking. Therefore, I hadn’t fully reprocessed the trauma yet. She asked me if I draw or anything. I told her no, but that I write. She felt that writing about it would be the perfect way for me to say whatever it is I still feel like I needed to say, so that I can put it all in the past where it belongs.

So here I am. Doing the one thing I swore I would never do until I was ready to write my book. But somehow, the plan I always have, is never the plan that actually works out. So here I am, ready to say what I have wanted to say for so long. And I am not sorry about any of it in anyway.

You had me so fooled; wrapped right around your finger to do whatever it was you wanted me to do. I was in love, I will never deny that. Except the person I loved never existed, because you were the best liar I had ever met. You knew exactly what you were doing when you manipulated me into believing that you loved me too.

I have always pictured love to be this nurturing and healthy concept; difficult, but worth it. Nothing about you was nurturing or healthy, and the fact that I thought the opposite is why I have hated myself for so long. I don’t know why I didn’t see it from the start. You never cared about my mental illness. You never cared about helping me work through it so that I could eventually live a life without it. You never cared about the trauma I endured before you. In fact, looking back, I don’t even know if you ever even listened when I told you about it. You never cared about my wants or needs.

Everything in our relationship was only about you.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that who you portrayed yourself to be was not who you really were. But I swore that the person you portrayed yourself to be was somewhere deep down inside, and that he would eventually come back out. I saw potential in you, and they say potential is the most dangerous thing in a relationship. And they’re right. Because you never met that potential and you never will.

I can’t imagine how miserable your life must be. To live a life and treat others the way you have treated me baffles me.

Almost daily, I remind myself of how disgusting, useless, and stupid I am. At first, I try to convince myself that I have no reason to believe those things. But then I remember that those are the things you used to say to me daily. With every hurtful word, and every hand you ever laid on me, came the belief that you were right; because you somehow had me convinced that you were the only one that was right.

Let me tell you what love is supposed to be like.

Love is never supposed to be you. You do not know what love is, and I believe you will never know what love is. Love is not expecting your girlfriend to work two jobs and pull most of the weight financially while you sit on your lazy butt all day, eat, and watch tv, while you maybe decide to go to school three days a week. Love is not expecting her to let you spend all of the money on pointless sports tickets and anything else sports related to the point where we couldn’t even pay the bills. Love is not telling her that you can’t afford to take her someplace she wants to go, and then go to a game the next day. Love is not nasty name calling. Love is not telling her how disgusting she is. Love is not making her have sex with you because that’s what you want, not taking into account of what she wants. Love is not making her do things that increase her anxiety levels past what she should be pushed to do. Love is not calling her ugly even has a joke – although sometimes, I don’t think it was meant as a joke. Love is not telling her that she’s useless because she did something wrong on accident. Love is not laying a hand on her, whether you said you meant it as a joke or not – laying a hand on a woman is never supposed to be a joke, and it should never happen under any circumstances. Love is selfless, not selfish. But you will never know what that kind of love feels like, because you will never be able to move past your selfish tendencies. You are not love. Your actions and words are not love.

I used to think that people who were in abusive relationships could leave just as easily as they entered into them. But then I experienced you, and I realized how wrong I was. When you think you’re in love, you will do anything to make it work. You fight and you fight and you fight to make it work because it would be humiliating to admit that it didn’t. When you are manipulated every single day, it’s impossible to convince yourself that you can leave. A fight happened, and I thought it was time to leave. But you always found the right words to say in order to convince me to stay. You promised it would get better, that you would stop. But it never did get better, it only got worse.

Lucky for me, I’m strong willed just like mama. And mama always taught me that you take nothing from no one. You stand up for yourself, and you never back down from what you know is right. So no matter how much you manipulated me, and no matter what you had to say in order to make it better, I knew better. My favorite part is when you used to tell me to go back to California if I was so miserable.

Watch me.

The best decision I ever made was to come back home, no matter how humiliating it was.

The sad part is, though? You could care less about what you have done to me. You never blinked twice, and you never will. I have lived a life for so long, locked up in your prison cell that only you had the keys to. My PTSD kept giving you the power to control my life, even after moving back home and living my own life. People like you don’t care about what they do to other people. In fact, on the off chance that you’ll ever read this, you’ll call me a liar and tell me that I made it all up for attention. Because people like you never see the wrong that they do. People like you think they’re perfect. People like you are so narcissistic. And people like you will never care about hurting people like me.

And that is exactly why I’m taking my power back.

Psychotherapy has finally showed me that I can take my power back. EMDR has given me so much empowerment; the empowerment that I should have had the moment I decided to come home. I love proving you wrong. All those times you told me I would never get to go to Europe to see Emily cut me so deep. But my favorite part has been proving you wrong; joke’s on you, I’ve been 3 times. You always used to tell me that I would never amount to anything. Joke’s on you, because I am so proud of who I have become, and what I have amounted up to.

Your words cut so deep for so long. But I’m taking that knife, and throwing it in Adriatic, along with the keys to that prison cell, because you’re the one locked in there now. My favorite part about EMDR is the fact that I get to use my imagination on how to rework the situation. And my favorite part about getting to use my imagination, is imaging myself in Croatia - on a continent you always said I would never get to see - and throwing the things you have held over my head for so long, into the most beautiful body of water I have ever seen, while I leave you stranded there with nothing and no one. You will never have anything, and you will never have anyone, because you don’t know the meaning of life. You don’t know how precious the people around you are. But I do, and I cherish that. While you’re stranded there, with nothing and no one like you made me feel for 6 months, I’m taking back my power.

You will no longer control my life anymore. At first, I felt stupid for allowing you to control my life even after putting almost 3,000 miles between us. But then I remembered that that is my illness. My PTSD has allowed you to control my life, not me. And there is so much empowerment in that. There is so much empowerment in finally dealing with the hell you put me through, and making the ending what it should have been a long time ago.

You never deserved my time. You never deserved my money. You never deserved my love, and my God I gave you so much of it. You never deserved an ounce of it. You never deserved my effort. You never deserved anything from me, and I will no longer let you convince me that I’m stupid for giving you any of those things. You are a lesson now, not a regret.

You don’t care about what I have to say. But for the first time, I don’t care about that. I have waited so long to say what I needed to say. And I finally get to call you out for what you really are; nothing and no one. You are the literal scum of the earth, and I can’t stand you. You are the worst human being I have ever met for putting me through this hell.

I am so strong now. You taught me what love is not supposed to be, and for that, I will never settle again. Your voice will no longer be the devil on my shoulder, because none of what you said to me is true. The mental scars you left from your physical touch will never eat away at me anymore.

This is me taking back my power, because you didn’t deserve it in the first place. I wish I could hurt you the way that you hurt me, but I could never be that cruel. And for that, I am a much better person than you will ever be.

In the wise words of Kesha and her brilliant new song:

I’m proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again And you said that I was done Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come ‘Cause I can make it on my own And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name You brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

[entergamingxp]

The Last Sky Review — The Long Journey Home

February 28, 2020 3:30 PM EST

I take a journey through the tormented mind of Jake as he overcomes the guilt and trauma he has had to struggle with since his time in the war and try to help his nightmares come to an end.

Over the course of recent years, game developers have become a lot more open to the idea of tackling mental health issues within the games they create. This willingness can sometimes be either hit or miss due to a lack of information or empathy on the said condition. Thankfully, it’s being talked about more, which will always be great news for society as a whole. The Last Sky by Little Guy Games aims to approach the traumatic anxiety disorder, PTSD, which is wrapped around an atmospheric, puzzle/platforming game where we see the internal struggles of a retired air force pilot Jake.

I always find the first few moments of a game the most compelling. So, finding an old man standing in a dimly light room surrounded by lots of curious objects is most certainly a good start. This elderly gentleman, with his large grey mustache and old air force forage cap, is Jake – a retired air force pilot suffering from the effects of PTSD due to the distressing and raw memories he has from his time in the war.

It soon comes to light that Jake is trapped in this metaphorical room which lays in the deepest part of his tormented mind. As you start to explore this space, some light puzzle elements appear, from finding keys to locked compartments to piecing together an old childhood toy airplane. Within the many items you can interact with, I found the old pictures of Jake’s past really endearing. Players get a taste of who Jake was by clicking onto the worn black and white photographs while the old man narrates his memories of that time.

Another fascinating aspect of this “room” is the books found on one of the shelves you can pick up and open. Many are based on philosophy, and ancient techniques on how one can better themselves. This intertwines with Jake’s narrative on his endeavor to heal himself of past and present pain. I took some time after completing the game to look up one of the authors Jiddu Krishnamurti, an Indian philosopher. They wrote about psychological revolution, the nature of mind, human relationships, and bringing about a radical change in society. I found this nugget of real-life information encapsulated within a game a wonderful, and educational touch that tied in with the subject this game is trying to push.

Throughout The Last Sky, Jake experiences time jumping – one moment he’s a 70-year-old man, and the next, the player is taken back to his childhood. These flashbacks are on trend with PTSD, which gives the player a better understanding of what Jake faces in his daily struggles. Thankfully, not too far into the game, you are exposed to The Last Sky’s platforming elements in which Jake is holding a lamp. Scattered around the area are small lights that you catch in your lamp, allowing you to progress onto the next stage by inserting the gathered light particles into a holder to open a door. Getting from one area to another is pretty straight forward. Similar to the lights you collect, there are colored lights you jump onto that shoot you to where you need to go.

As simple as this sounds, some focus and fast reflexes are needed because as you collect these beads of lights, you only have a certain amount of time before it dies out. If you’re not fast enough to reach the next door, you must suffer the consequences of having to start over. I found the movement controls satisfying, fluid, and easy to navigate which is important when it comes to platforming sequences. My only hesitation is how dark the first area’s environment was, even with my display quality set to high. Although, the flashes of neon structures did somewhat help to break up the murkiness, and in later stages, the light quality improved quite a lot.

A part of The Last Sky I found quite strange is Jake’s encounter with a shaman who guides him through his journey, and offers him advice. It’s not necessarily the idea that a shaman shouldn’t be included because it does add an extra layer to the storyline. Rather, how realistic or helpful this added feature is for somebody who plays this game and suffers from PTSD. I would have liked to have seen something a little more practical and would give some real-life help that the player could take away with them. I mean, not everyone has a shaman on hand. In saying that, the medicine man did offer a few words of wisdom towards the end of the game, but nothing that could be seen as beneficial.

The Last Sky dances around the subject of PTSD without fully explaining what this condition is at any stage. So, players who don’t know a lot about this disorder are probably left to Google it for themselves. It does portray a good basic understanding – once you know what you’re dealing with – and it does convey the trauma and isolation connected to it well. The cinematic scenes throughout are thought-provoking and beautifully crafted with just the right amount of emotional impact to keep you invested. But due to its short two-hour playtime, The Last Sky feels a little rushed at the end where more could have been done to continue Jack’s journey with more depth and choices.

For players who don’t have a lot of time to invest in a long game and who also enjoy experiencing the journey of a tormented mind, The Last Sky has much to offer. The fact that it wasn’t as thorough as I would have liked minimizes its true potential. Since this title is currently in early access on Steam, my hope is that the developers will include more branching story paths that become more personal; not only to Jake but to the player’s experience as a whole. With further work, it could also provide a deeper and boarder understanding of the complex mental health condition of PTSD.

February 28, 2020 3:30 PM EST

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/02/the-last-sky-review-the-long-journey-home/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-last-sky-review-the-long-journey-home

[millennium-hearts]

An Update

Hello, Tumblr. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been on here. I don’t even know if anyone I used to RP with or talk to are active, especially since the Purge. Something in me is telling me to reach out here again. I don’t know if I’ll be consistent. I don’t know if I’ll be “quality”. But I miss writing. I miss Marik, I have dreams and thoughts of him.

The last time I was active in role playing Marik, my crisis was just beginning. Marik was a crutch, an anchor, and I’ve felt guilty for using him as such just to bare with my worsening reality. Eventually, everything stopped, and I had nothing left but anger and desperation to survive.

This time of the year marks something of mixed feelings. Tomorrow is the anniversary of me and my best friend making our Marik and Bakura blogs 6 years ago. Our friendiversary, when we developed a life changing relationship.

This also marks a time of great loss for the both of us: her very much moreso.

I don’t know how to talk about this. It’s a private thing. It’s not mine to talk about. But in 2016, due to a heavy loss, I jumped back to Marik so I could give something fun and distracting to help my best friend. I didn’t know I was doing the same thing for myself.

The past three years have been torture. Have been turmoil. I never talk about my personal life on here. I want to portray a happy, supportive version of myself. But that’s not how real life works. I’m sorry, internet, but I’m letting my dirty laundry air out.

Saving details out of this, in 2016, I hit a major burn out. A major loss on all sides of my life. I was grasping at thin air to hold onto. By January of 2017, it was a full blown mental health crisis. I tried to help myself. It just wasn’t enough.

But somehow it was. Somehow.

My mind, my heart, my soul were beyond crushed. My anxiety fully exploded. My PTSD ravaging me. The depression numbing my mind. I had to reteach myself how to read and think from the brain fog obliterating my train of thought. I couldn’t get out of bed for days, the dysfunction was severe. Panic attacks constant, daily, my dissociation almost permanent for a span of two years. I was convinced I was in the wrong time line. I was in purgatory. Reality was a nightmare I couldn’t wake or fix or stop. The world was a lie, ever in sepia tone. This was derealization... My body was deteriorating from the mental H-bomb.

I didn’t know how to deal with the fall out.

Please fast forward with me, now. I’m constantly grinding on becoming better, healthier, sustainable, stable. I, my own hero, and the help and love from REAL PEOPLE who ACTUALLY love me and care about me, we changed my life. I’m alive. After a 3 year mental health crisis, I’m doing better than I had in 6 years.

Yes, I’m on an antidepressant now, and I have mixed feelings, but I know MY efforts have changed my life. Every second of my day is me fighting for myself.

My best friend, my Bakura, has been here with me through thick and thin. And I for her. We are partners in crime, thick as thieves, and through her I have inherited a wonderful, loving family who I love dearly. I wouldn’t know what I would do without her. I’m glad I decided to make this goofy, wonderful, fun Marik blog 6 years ago with her.

I hope I can keep coming back time after time after time to have wonderful adventures. I hope I can go back to KH3 and feel healed and confident enough to play and beat and love and cry and cherish that game. I hope Kingdom Hearts can forgive me for the broken heart I have... I don’t want to escape. I want to live. And I hope I can face KH3 with the full respect it deserves.

If you read this, thank you. If you didn’t want to and are annoyed, that’s understandable. I’ll frebreeze my dirty garments and fan them the other direction.

OH, Btw, I’m happily living on my own now and am a proud mom of a puppy dog. =3 I love my new town, my new job, and making a new life for myself.

Hope ya’ll are doing okay. <3

[zenruption]

My Voyage Through Depression and What Needs to Be Shared

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

By Brian McKay

While I normally remain fairly guarded about the details of my personal life, many people struggle with depression and their friends and family struggle to understand it. This is an article that I hope helps further that understanding.

Personal Experience: I realize that I have always dealt with depression. When I was a kid I had some suicidal thoughts but not knowing what depression was I just assumed it due to some pretty bad bullying in school.

Later in life there would be random instances caused by stress or sometimes in the late spring after the excitement of sun and warmer weather wore off. They were fairly short but varied in intensity and then over with. About my mid-twenties I started to realize what the problem was and that there might be some history of mental illness on one side of my family history.

The biggest and most intense lapse to that point was after losing the business, house, relationship, etc. It was severe to the point of thinking about walking off building tops only to fall to the street below. It lasted about a good six - seven months.

The summer of 2014 saw one bad event put me into the worst place I have ever been. For the first time in my life I actually missed work because of it and had to take 5 weeks of leave. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar depression and PTSD from tragic death of my sister and have mostly kept that hidden ever since. 

When you first get diagnosed as such the first thing you think is, "Oh my God I am one of those mentally ill people". You are ashamed because you were always taught the stigma of it growing up in the U.S. Even now when I look at the three bottles of prescriptions I now take daily, I think, "Holy shit! I am a crazy person." When you see the descriptions of disability on job applications, and that bi-polar disorder is one, all you can think is, "Am I that damaged?"

I am neither damaged nor crazy, but the stigma is always in your subconscious. If anything, I feel that the recent discovery has made me more self aware.

This last episode was the worst ever. It lasted 20 months and I often thought that it might never end. Between the struggle of rebuilding a life destroyed in the financial crises and the stress of adjusting to a new reality, I thought it could never end until big changes happened. Those seemed less and less likely every day. It did end though and a lot was learned along the way. Those 20 months were a chance to explore this thing like never before.

So for all those who are suffering and don't understand it all and for those who love them, here are 10 things that happen during depression:

1) It hurts physically. At times your body might ache or you are so tired you can barely move. Sometimes there might be shakes from anxiety. It surely isn't the same for everyone but I can assume everyone feels some of the physical pain.

2) Going to work can be excruciating. Knowing you have to put on your game face and fake it is hard work. I often lament that it is 5 times harder to do the job when in deep depression. I recently switched jobs into a sales roll in order to earn more. In the waiting to go to work every morning I often get physically ill. Mondays are especially hard when you are depressed as you wonder if you have the strength to make it a full week. When you do make it into the office you have to avoid all of the happy posters and personal development quotes because they only to seem to make it worse. You strain to smile and say, "Doing very well Bob!" when greeted.

3) Coming home isn't much better. A depressed person feels lost and alone, often a square peg that doesn't fit in the round hole. Isolation can be a problem, especially for those that might not have a spouse or close immediate family. Even if you go somewhere to be around people you might feel that you don't fit or that you are unworthy of any substantial relationships.

4) It is both scary and unnerving when you have thoughts of self harm. It is made worse when people say that such things are "selfish". I have learned that it has nothing to do with selfishness. It is because you are so deep in that black cloud that you see no way out. It is because you know that you have people in your life that you care about and that you keep going. If anything, I hope I never hear someone use the "selfish" moniker again as it is completely ignorant. For me, my daughter, and my love for her, is the whole reason I would never allow myself to fall trap to such thoughts, but it doesn't mean they go away.

5) You keep trying to dig out of the feedback loop. You think, The gym would help, but I have no energy. or Enjoying something as simple as a video game might be uplifting but I really don't feel like it. You know you have to keep improving and moving forward to dig yourself out, but it is so hard to do. I am luckier than most in this regard and truly feel for those that lose all ability to move forward.

6) You can't give yourself credit. I have always excelled at almost everything I do and fortunately continue to do so in most ways, even while dealing with depression. If someone were to ask how I just pulled that off or how my numbers were so good, I honestly have no clue. I would just consider it luck.

7) The eternally happy society sucks. We live in a society where you always have to be happy and portray happiness. It took a Pixar movie, Inside Out, to finally highlight that sadness does indeed play an important role in our lives (I highly recommend watching it). So when you are depressed you are ashamed and hide it and envy those that seem like they will never have that issue. You can't talk about it because it seems like the person that does might be the one that hits the brakes on this massively fun roller coaster everyone else is riding.

8) Your creativity feels like it is gone. Your opinion feels like it is worthless. It was in finally pushing myself to start writing that I realized my creativity hadn't left me.

9) Self destructive behavior can be hard to avoid. You think why not? Or for a while over drinking or doing something truly stupid might divert your attention elsewhere than only to realize the next day that it just made things worse.

10) People who catch on that you are down will offer you all kinds of bullshit ideas to fix this thing. Please don't offer tips like "you just need religious belief" or "just get out there" or "you need to put it out there to the universe to be happy". None of that will fix it. It is inside me, not due to things around me.

For those that going through depression right now, I hope you find some solace in knowing that others feel it too. For those who care about someone who is, please just understand it is never a simple fix. Your friend, family member or lover desperately wants to get their self back and feel human again. Just offer your support and an occasional activity or moment with the hidden agenda of helping them divert their attention for a while (don't tell them the agenda and please don't have it include excessive drinking). Understand that they are being followed by a black cloud that they really don't always control and that they wish more than anything would blow away.

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Brian McKay is co-founder of zenruption. He hopes that by having nothing off limits to sharing that others are served. Your comments and sharing of this article do matter.

[playmakiing]

Headcanon: Mental Disorders

     It is heavily implied in the show that Yusaku suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I also believe that he is autistic as well.  In this post, I will be outlining and explaining these two disorders in perspective of my interpretation of our favorite hacker.  Side note, while I do not have PTSD, I have and continue to do research on the disorder in order to have an accurate portrayal in my muse.  However, each person's experiences with PTSD are not universal, so just because this is how I choose to portray this headcanon does not mean it is going to similar to anyone else's personal experiences.  Also, while I am actually autistic, autism is also displayed in a wide variety of ways.  Parts of my autistic interpretation stem from my own symptoms, other parts is from further research.  I will take any inquiries and constructive criticism about these headcanons, but I will not bother with baseless critic or downright hate.

     So with that out of the way, let's get to it!  I'm keeping this under a read-more since it will be a long post.

PTSD

     Due to the horrific nature of the Hanoi Project, Yusaku developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder even though he was only six years old.  Once a happy child, Yusaku returned with severe symptoms of self-isolation, emotional detachment, and sleepless nights haunted by memories.  Even though he was put into therapy, the sessions could only help so much before proving to be ineffective.  In the end, Yusaku was left with nothing but the loss of his innocence and a couple of coping methods designed by his own, young mind.      For many years Yusaku was unable to sleep alone without waking up with screams of terror, and the orphanage caretakers soon learned that he was only able to sleep a dreamless sleep during the day when around the other children.  This caused for them to rearrange things to were Yusaku was rooming with other young boys at night; they also hoped that perhaps he would be able to socialize more if he's constantly around others in this manner.  Sadly, their plan only worked with giving Yusaku more nights of sleep.  He still refused to talk to others, existing as a lifeless doll for several years.  However, there was one force that kept Yusaku awake, and that was the existence of his "special person"--aka, the voice that gave him three reasons to survive.

     Skip forward to ten years later, and Yusaku has yet to move on from his past demons.  It's only at the end of season one when he is able to begin a better healing process, but he will never be "over" his PTSD.

     The main symptoms that Yusaku current exhibits are as followed:

❀ Hyper-vigilance: he always has his guard up, whether in the real world or LINK VRAINS.  It is very difficult to sneak up on Yusaku when he is awake, and he is easy to wake up at any moment.   ❀ Social isolation: for the most part, Yusaku keeps a steady distance from his peers and other people in his life.  While the distance has lessened in regards to specific individuals, he still doesn't have complete trust in them, and tries to keep his walls up. ❀ Flashbacks: these don't occur much when he's awake, but his dreams at night are usually plagued by them.  Most flashbacks center around the times when he lost a duel and was painfully electrocuted as a result. ❀ Lack of interest: aside from his goals, Yusaku finds it difficult to see a future for himself, and thus he finds it difficult to partake in hobbies or activities that don't help advance his goals.  Dueling is a task that he has yet to regain any pleasure from, and despite excelling at hacking and computers, doesn't find the activity to be enjoyable.  To him, these are all tools to help accomplish his goals. ❀ Insomnia and general issues with sleep: these two go hand-in-hand since Yusaku's insomnia was greatly developed due to the frequent amount of nightmares he dreamt of as a child, which continues on as he ages.  The nightmares' intensity fluctuates depending on the amount of stress Yusaku is dealing with. ❀ Emotional detachment: as Yusaku would describe it, his heart and mind are trapped in an abyss with no means of escape.  He sees no future and time is frozen still for him.  These deep feelings of isolation and fear have caused for him to distance himself emotionally from everyone, and he greatly struggles with forming an emotional attachment to anything or anyone.  There are a very select few things that he has an attachment to, one of those being his "special person."

ASD

     ASD, or Autism Spectrum Disorder, has a wide variety of symptoms and behaviors that range from person to person.  While many of these symptoms do overlap with ones for PTSD, I believe there are enough signs in Yusaku for this headcanon to be distinctive.  Some of these symptoms, however, do not appear directly in canon ( yet ) but are shown through my writing.  Most of those are ones that I find very plausible for Yusaku's character, and some are ones that I just want to write, and fuck what anyone else says about it.

     The symptoms and experiences listed below are ones that I either interpret from Yusaku's character, integrate into my writing of him, or both.

❀ Inappropriate social interaction & lack of understanding social cues: while this isn't heavily noticeable in the show, Yusaku has been shown either "not get" what others are saying, or exhibits behavior that is deemed "socially inappropriate."  Examples of this is early on in the show when Shoichi and Ai make fun of Yusaku's inability to talk to girls, and he's later shown to be following Aoi around in a rather stalker-ish manner. ❀ Lack of eye contact: Yusaku is not one to maintain eye contact.  Not only does the action cause for him to become extremely uncomfortable, but prolonged exposure to forced eye contact will cause a mental strain. ❀ Compulsive behavior: Yusaku is one for routine, and rarely likes to break his schedule.  Only events or situations that are dire or insanely important will prevent him from keeping to a schedule.  The older he gets, however, the less strict he is with his daily routines. ❀ Repetitive movements & words: In regards to words, Yusaku has a fixation on listing things in threes, and this is usually to calm himself or clear his mind when clouded.  While this technique was given to him by his "special person," Yusaku was at a young and impressionable age to where this method stuck and he uses it often.  As for movements, Yusaku's main stims are taps, rubbing against his skin, and pressure. ❀ Intense interest in extreme specific things: . . .This is so evident in his fixation with the Knights of Hanoi in season one.  Like, literally nothing else mattered to Yusaku aside from his quest against the Knights of Hanoi.  If that isn't a hyperfixation, I don't know what is.  While he does lose this interest in season two, with the reveal of his "special person," Yusaku has a similar fixation on him--it's not quite intense, but it's there. ❀ Heightened sensitivity: Yusaku's five senses are more pronounced in comparison to other people.  Sights and sounds are more intense, smells and taste more noticeable, and touch is a pain usually.  Human contact is another sensation that Yusaku despises.

Misc. Stuff Related to the Above Things

❀ A lot of the autism symptoms are helpful in elevating the flashbacks and nightmares Yusaku gets from his PTSD.  Examples of this are weighted blankets to pressure stim, having a "post nightmare routine" when he wakes up in the middle of the night, and repeating relative lists of threes to himself. ❀ Yusaku was never one to like foods with overwhelming flavors, and thus prefers milder foods when eating.  He tends to choke on food that is overstimulating.  The only exception to this is coffee, and that was a strongly acquired taste. ❀ Soft blankets ( as well as heavy blankets ) are a secret pleasure to Yusaku's touch, and he will collect blankets with favored textures; he has over a dozen at this point, and will often make a blanket nest out of them to relieve stress ( this habit almost dies when Ai appears, because Yusaku would rather die than be caught in such a situation by someone like Ai ). ❀ After a while of meeting Takeru, Yusaku finds it soothing to be touching or to be held by his friend, and he is one of the very few people whose touch doesn't cause Yusaku to recoil. ❀ Yusaku is rather touch-starved, but hates touch at the same time.  Rest in fucking pieces. ❀ Things that can trigger a PTSD-induced panic attack are having something wrapped around his head while covering his eyes ( like how a VR headset is ), or any amount of electrocution.  The latter one would trigger a stronger reaction.

     And that's about it for this headcanon post.  I may come back and edit this post with more information, or simply make add-on posts when new information settles in my brain.