#nothing can take away your femininity or masculinity because they’re just ideas

[sheltershock]

It’s such a shame to me when cis characters with characteristics normally assigned to the opposite gender are widely headcanoned to be transgender. Not to take away from trans stories, but it’s reductive to say “you have male characteristics yet are a girl in the story, so you must be transgender” and vice versa. Gendered labels are fucking stupid. Let me have my masculine girls and feminine men. In my opinion it’s much more brave to a man be into “feminine” things or be read more as “feminine” and still say they’re a man than to actually be a woman.

Gender is social construct. We couldn’t even decide if pink was the boy color or the girl color between centuries. I just think if we let characters like things and have characteristics that aren’t hard in fast in “masculine” or “feminine” territories than maybe it reflect better on the world.

[chromaticroses]

okay i said some of this in a reply but i’m gathering my thoughts a little more and wanted to put it into a reblog

i want to start by saying that i agree with the vast majority of this post, i think it’s very well written and explains the misogyny of chapter 2 very well. i also want to say that my personal interpretation of chihiro is that she’s non-binary transfem and that i don’t really agree with or particularly enjoy most interpretations of chihiro as transmasculine, for a lot of the reasons that you pointed out in this post (and the fact that i just don’t think it makes much narrative sense lol)

that being said, you said in this post that interpreting her as transfem acknowledges and deconstructs this misogyny, and in a reply that it doesn't enforce the idea that her femininity is weak, and i have to say i don’t agree that a transfeminine headcanon on its own does that.

the canon narrative of chihiro fujisaki is that he is a man who is too weak to be a real man and therefore has to pretend to be a woman in order to find respite from being mocked for not reaching expectations of masculinity

this is an unbelievably transmisogynistic narrative. in order to even begin to tackle chihiro in anyway that deconstructs the problems with her narrative this must be acknowledged. the idea that trans women are only pretending to be women because they “failed” as men is rhetoric that is peddled by transphobes and terfs all the time. taking that narrative and doing nothing but making chihiro textually transfeminine does not do anything to deconstruct the transphobia, misogyny, and transmisogyny of that narrative.

i want to be clear that i am very much not saying headcanoning chihiro as transfem inherently reinforces this narrative. i’ve looked at your other posts and i think you do do the work of deconstructing that narrative, and so do a lot of the other transfem chihiro works i see, and so does, if i may be so bold, the way i personally write chihiro.

but it is something that must be deconstructed. you can’t just put the transfeminine label onto chihiro and call it not problematic. which is why i disagree with the take away from your post, here. because you’re presenting a narrative in which the author slaps a transmasculine label onto chihiro and does none of the work to deconstruct the misogyny— which is a bad thing to do! and i definitely think there are people who do do that! there’s a reason i don’t like a lot of transmasculine chihiro content. but that lack of deconstruction is not a given. it is very possible to write transmasc chihiro while deconstructing the misogyny and transphobia and transmisogyny of chapter 2. and again, i don’t personally think that it will be as compelling or narratively coherent as the deconstructions you can do with a transfeminine chihiro, but i definitely have seen these deconstructions over the years.

i don’t think it is possible to fix the problems of canon with just interpreting them differently. you can’t headcanon your way out of a bigoted narrative. taking a transmisogynistic coded character and interpreting her as being textually a trans woman doesn’t get rid of the transmisogyny, it just means that you’re interpreting that transmisogyny as text instead of coding. and i don’t think you necessarily disagree with me on this op, but i do think some of the wording on this post implies otherwise, which i don’t think is a great thing to imply. both because i don’t want people to think that they can just write chihiro as transfem without doing any of the work of deconstructing what that narrative means and assume that they’re not perpetuating transmisogyny, and because i don’t really think it’s fair to assume that trans men writing transmasc chihiros aren’t doing that work of deconstruction… even if i don’t personally like those deconstructions all that much.

So recently I made a post about why I think Chihiro makes the most sense within the context of her own story as a transfem. It was a post made right after an all nighter, so I'm honestly surprised how coherent I was able to make it lol, but anyways, I wanted to keep talking about it. I think I covered pretty well about why Chihiro being trans is more impactful for her, but not so much why transfem specifically, and not transmasc. Basically, the goal of this post is to explain why I think a lot of people are weirded out by the transmasc headcanon in a way that hopefully doesn't feel like an attack

I'm well aware that a lot of people that enjoy transmasc Chihiro are transmasc themselves, and see themselves in said interpretation. This is generally true of a lot of trans interpretations of characters, but especially here, as the canon explanation of Chihiro's character is "he feels immensely uncomfortable pretending to be a girl so people won't make fun of him." I myself used to adore the transmasc headcanon. I hc'd Chihiro as wearing a packer, that Kyoko could tell it was an artificial dick, and everything that followed was the class being Super Cool about trans people because it just seemed like the easiest out for all the transphobia within her story. Besides, I quite liked Chihiro, and 'boy who feels like he must dress like a girl for people to assume his identity' was something I related to a lot.

The thing is, the more I looked into that interpretation, the less sense it starts to make. Again, as a GNC trans man, I like to wear skirts and things like that. Clothes don't have gender, after all, and they can be way more comfortable than pants, especially when you don't shave. But Chihiro isn't GNC. Her story as it's meant to be interpreted expressly says feminine clothing makes her feel lesser than. She's described (by Monokuma ofc) as hating said femininity. It makes her feel weaker, like those skirts and female identity is an inherent weakness. And that's what I think the main problem is; even when under the guide of being a trans man, Chihiro's story still falls as one rooted in misogyny as most logically presented.

The story presented in chapter 2 is inherently male-centric, to the point where its title is "Boys' Life of Despair". It's a story about men, questioning the identity of men, and focused wholly on men. The one (canonically) fem character that's important to the chapter's plot is Toko, and only to perpetuate an ableist trope as a red herring. Even then, when Syo reveals herself, all her dialogue is explaining why men are so important to her. I don't think having a subplot that focuses on male characters or the concept of masculinity is a bad idea on paper, especially not when within the confines of an overarching plot that very much does utilize women as leading characters, but in practice, the plotline about toxic masculinity is used *at the expense of* women, rather than existing in tandem with them.

Throughout the entire chapter, it's established that women are weaker via Chihiro. When Mondo says that women are naturally weaker, Chihiro starts crying, and Mondo is made to apologize. HOWEVER, the reason he apologizes is not because of the blatant misogyny of the statement, but rather, because he yelled too loud. Even when Hina and Sakura are involved in the conversation, neither of them seem to care about the sexism. Even in the stage play, when Sakura DOES take offense to it, it's shrugged off as a gag, with Mondo saying she's 'special.' Sakura is held as an exception to the rule. AT NO POINT IN THIS CHAPTER IS THE ASSERTION THAT WOMEN ARE INHERENTLY WEAKER THAN MEN EVER CONTESTED. Later in the same chapter, Makoto (the player character whom we're supposed to be projecting onto) says that Mondo was right, and that girls aren't strong.

Chihiro's backstory and the way she views herself *as presented by others* only reinforces this idea. The parallels between Chihiro and Mondo are a story about strength and weakness. Chihiro is physically weak but mentally strong, and Mondo is physically strong but mentally weak. This is the point of them being paired together, and the foundation upon which everything else found in the chapter is built on. So when you have Chihiro, a canonical man who wears skirts, and give her an inferiority complex about her weakness that's inherently tied to how similar she is to women, you end up with an inherently misogynistic narrative. According to Danganronpa, Chihiro is weak BECAUSE of her similarities to women, as is enforced by the language used and the presentation of Chihiro's identity. Similarly, the assertion that Chihiro makes to Mondo defining her 'mental strength' is the assertion to no longer be fem-presenting, to destroy everything feminine about her and to become a 'real man' like how she perceives Mondo. This part by itself could be interpreted as transmasc, but when paired with the rest of the chapter's insistence of the weakness of women? It's not transphobic anymore, sure, but it still has that inherent core of misogyny, without any real acknowledgement or deconstruction of it in the way that the transfem headcanon does.

Ultimately, fiction is meant to be interpreted by those who consume it, and you can fanonize as much as you want. Just don't be too surprised when women, especially trans women, don't like the way you're interpreting it. It is always worth deconstructing your own biases and the way you consume media

[demilypyro]

I feel like ranting about Genshiken Nidaime and its handling of an un-selfaware transgender character, because I'm on my second reread, and I have things to say, so I will.

Genshiken Nidaime's portrayal of Kenjirou Hato honestly comes very close to my own experience with my gender, as it took me years and years of just thinking I was a weird effeminate guy and just "pretending" to be a girl on the internet for me to come to terms with who I am. Stories like this are very vulnerable to people who refute any possibility of a character being trans because the character does not believe themselves to be, but that kind of experience is exactly what makes it so relatable to people who have been through that. I'll be referring to Hato with gender neutral pronouns since their gender identity is technically up to interpretation.

Genshiken is not a very popular manga among trans people, most likely because most of its cast are pretty ignorant of actual gender theory, most of them being stereotypical anime fans. A lot of words and ideas are thrown around that may be seen as offensive depending on your sensibilities, so it doesn't exactly always work as affirming media. Still, I think it's interesting to have a story dealing with gender with characters who are so realistically biased, and how they can become better through interacting with a genderqueer person. It's clear that none of the characters involved are actually bad or bigoted people, they really are just ignorant, including Hato, and they become more accepting and understanding of Hato as the story progresses.

For the uninformed, Kenjirou Hato is a character introduced in Genshiken Nidaime as a crossdresser. Their explanation is that their interest in yaoi is more typical coming from female otaku, aka fujoshi, so to fit into their college’s local otaku club and be able to talk about yaoi freely, they present as feminine while there. Hato's presentation is near flawless, even going so far as to train their voice to a perfect feminine sound. 

It should be noted that Hato, in their female persona, is considered one of the most attractive women in the club, far exceeding most of their female otaku friends. The amount of effort they put in their presentation is shown to make several of their female friends insecure about their own feminity, making the amount of effort Hato puts in feel almost over the top. Still, their assigned gender is accidentally discovered on their very first day there. Curiously, even when this cat is out of the bag, they seem almost entirely unwilling to show up to the club while dressed as a man, resorting to attend classes as a man, leave campus, change, come back, and attend the club as a woman.

Hato is clearly beset by a lot of biases and preconceptions about gender and sexuality that limit their ability to come to understand themselves. They, at least for the duration of Nidaime, consider themselves to be a heterosexual man, and thus are afraid of any attraction they feel towards men, as they have not accepted the possibility that they might be into men. Hato for a long time believes that this attraction they're feeling is all the result of getting carried away when they dress feminine. It's not helped by Hato being an avid yaoi fan, which leads them to relate homosexuality mostly to the realm of fantasy, another obvious bias. When they actually fall in love with a man, their upperclassman Madarame, they panic, immediately stop presenting as feminine, and swear off their yaoi interest, as if any of that actually has anything to do with their own sexuality. Of course, that doesn't work.

One particular aspect I found really relatable were Hato's delusions. In various scenes where they're alone and dressed as a man, a sort of manifestation of their femininity appears, taking the form of a naked ghost of their feminine persona, and appears to nudge their actions as if with intrusive thoughts. There's a lot of ways to interpret this, but I personally believe Hato's biases and double life led them to distance their male and female identities so far that they cannot consider their femininity to be part of them when they present as masculine, and instead experiences those impulses as if they were coming from outside themselves. I’ve personally experienced something similar while deep in denial. This is supported by them being willing to use their male persona as material for their homoerotic art, which, if you're fervently in denial that you're into men while drawing homoerotic art of yourself, that's a lot of mental gymnastics you're doing, there, buddy. In any case, Hato’s biases and repression run so deep that in an effort to make sense of things, they cause them hallucinations.

Where things start to fall apart (or come together?) for Hato is again when they fall in love with Madarame. This is a bit after where the anime ends, so everything from here on is just from the manga. After a lot of denial, and a scene where it turns out Hato has been drawing art of their *feminine* persona getting intimate with Madarame, there is finally a scene where Hato seems to accept that their feminine impulses and interest in men were always part of themselves, and from that point they relatively stop denying themselves, and actively become a contender for Madarame's affections. Their decision to stop presenting feminine is reversed entirely, and the intrusive-thought ghost no longer appears, as those ideas were always coming from Hato's own repressed mind.

That’s where it ends as far as Genshiken is concerned, but the elephant in the room here is Spotted Flower, the sort-of-sequel to Genshiken Nidaime which is of dubious canonicity. Many characters appear whose appearance and personal history line up near-perfectly with the cast of Nidaime, though nothing is ever explicitly confirmed, and some of the names don't seem to match. In Spotted Flower, the character who is easily linked to Hato is a bisexual transgender woman, even sporting breast implants, who has become a professional mangaka (still focusing on yaoi). Her transgender status does not appear to be known to anyone but old friends, so it would appear that she is living as a woman full-time.

If you consider Spotted Flower to be canon, this almost 100% confirms that Hato was a trans girl all along, and that Nidaime was the story of them working through the biases that prevented them from realizing this. Again, as someone who went through something similar, I found it all to be intimately relatable, on a deeper level than most stories out there that deal with these topics.

[cozycottagetarot]

Who's Coming In & Why? (General)

Here’s the thing… I'd love to tell you this is all love and friendships, but it’s not. It’s more of a who’s coming in to help you move forward.

Still, I’m posting it because it may still resonate with some people.

However, I will do a second reading of the same topic in the future focusing on love and friendships in particular.

Check out my Paid Readings ✨

PILE 1 — The Inspiration

Energy surrounding them: Queen of Pentacles

I see this as being some person you need to move you forward, be it a general mentor, someone with a career, or someone to get you motivated to get up and take action (the latter comes through strongest) . They could be well off, not necessarily lavishly rich, but more so in the sense of being a better situation than you. There could be a nurturing or gentle energy to them as well.

The vibes I get: Vision boards, goals, goal setting, power move

Why they’re coming in? The Empress, Judgement, The Tower (all reversed)

There may be some kind of disharmony in your life, particularly with you. You may be too much into your masculine energy (logic and material) and neglecting your feminine energy (nurturing, intuition). It could be a matter of self confidence and unhappiness with how your life is going. This person is coming in to put you back on track, and shift your perspective. Them entering your life will help you to face your fears and release any self doubt you may have. They may help you to avoid ending up in a bad place. Because all your cards keep coming out reversed (even though I didn’t want to take all reversals) I see it as a sign as well to don’t be afraid to start anew, instead of trying to situate everything exactly the way it was in the before. Like that quote/saying that goes something like-- "don’t be afraid to start over because this time you’re not starting from scratch, your starting from experience?"

How they'll help you? 10 of Swords, 9 of Wands reversed

The only place to go from here is up, but you need to stop being so stubborn about it. This person coming in is going to help you get your back you drive to 'fight' so you can pursue happiness/goals in a new way.

Potential Struggles? Knight of Wands, The Star reversed

Be careful your inspired action is not really impulsivity . You’ll have to do some inner work as well. You may compare yourself to this person and risk falling back into the same state again. You need to take responsible actions, get in tune with your emotions and work on your confidence and any anxieties you may have. Healing from the past as well, because your past isn’t your future.

PILE 2 -- The Therapist

Energy surrounding them: The Star

The energy surrounding the person coming in is one of calm and stability, and that is what they will bring to you. This person is going to help heal you, be it professionally (a therapist or psychologist) or unintentionally (someone who triggers our healing). This person is going to feel like everything will be okay.

The vibes I get: therapy, a guiding star, two people sitting and talking, letting your soul speak

Why they’re coming in? 6 of Wands reversed, The Moon, 6 of cups reversed

This person is going to help reveal the truth about a situation. Particularly if you haven’t had the best things happening a) in most of your life, or b) in this particular chapter or your life. This person will help you realise the things that weren’t your fault, the things you can change and the things that all come down to your beliefs. You may come to realise with the help of this person, that a lot of fears and limitations you have are self imposed. Not only that, but this person may help you figure out what your positive inner voice sounds like and help you to embrace it. Any dreams you’ve had hidden away (sleep dreams or goals-dreams) may also become more clear to you. After this you’ll be able to move forwards in live. The past won’t hold you back anymore. You’ll be able to move on or view these events that took place through a new lense.

How they'll help you? 3 of Wands, 8 of Swords reversed

The blindfold is going to come off. You’re going to be able to move forward in your life. The work you put in is going to help you move forward with a new found confidence and belief in self. You’ll be able to take your life into your own hands.

Potential Struggles? king of pentacles & ace of swords

You may struggle with the whole process of breaking through and envisioning a different future for yourself. Also, seeing your growth and how mature and stable (as in the different areas of your life) you may have become may take you some time or be difficult.

Pile 3-- The Sage

Energy surrounding them: The Emperor

The person coming into your life has a strong energy to them. They are most likely older than you or at the least has a very wise energy to them. They might not be the most emotional or expressive, but they are reliable.

The vibes I get: Someone with an otherworldly energy or wisdom. Someone established. You can't help but notice them.

Why they're coming in? 4 of Pentacles, The Chariot, Page of Cups

This person is coming in to show you how to find and build security in many aspects of your life the right way. You may be holding onto things that aren’t good for you and this person is going to come in and force you to ask yourself why. Also potentially isolation may be something you need to deal with. You may be currently playing defence. But once you allow yourself to let go, you may find new things, people, and opportunities come in, better than you image. You may find yourself becoming someone you really want to be as well as finding yourself in the beginning stages of tapping into your emperor energy.

How they'll help you? Strength reversed, Knight of Swords

They’re going to help you tap into your inner strength so you can take the necessary actions to help yourself. They’ll help trigger the arrival of big changes in your life.Things will finally start to flow.

Potential Struggles? Judgement, 6 of Pentacles

You may feel resistant at first, feeling as if they don’t know what they’re talking about and are just trying to bring you down. You may be hesitant to take their advice or trust that they have your best interest in mind.

** Gandalf. Gandalf came to me but I don’t know why as I know practically nothing about him. 😬 Maybe you do!?

Pile 4-- The Charmer

Energy surrounding them: 8 of Cups reversed

The person coming in is going to scare you, but not in a bad way. You may have this happy, “I’m put together” facade, and this person is going to be able to see right through it. They have the ability, literally or metaphorically, to bring you into something better and that may leave you feeling afraid.

The vibes I get: Someone clever and charming. Feeling flustered. Oh no, I have a crush.

Why they’re coming in? Temperance, 9 of Pentacles, 8 of Swords

They’re coming in to show you that if you stop allowing fear to keep you where you are, peace, balance, and contentment will find you. The situation you may be staying in may not be a result of your actions, and taking the steps to get out of it may be difficult, but this person is one hundred percent here to challenge your reasoning for why you can’t.

How they'll help you? The Magician, 10 of Swords, The High Priestess reversed

They’re going to show you magic. I’m feeling like you might develop a romantic or platonic crush on them. There’s just that vibe. They’re going to show you how amazing you truly are. They’re going to show you that you have the ability to make things happen. They’ll help you create that ending and see your new beginning.

Potential Struggles? Knight of Cups reversed, 2 of Wands

This person most likely isn’t going to stay long and that may throw you off guard. This all feels very fast paced so their quick arrival and departure may leave you feeling a little bit broken hearted. Be careful you’re not investing too much headspace and emotion in this person.

Pile 5-- The Cheerleader

Energy surrounding them: 3 of Swords reversed

This person has a very calm healing energy to them. I feel like if you’re going through a heartbreak in particular, the prominent pain of it is going to start disappearing. I actually redid your reading and the vibes I was getting before were not good ones. I felt like I was trying to shoo it away, and the reading felt like it was about someone leaving you who had hurt you so I think that’s what this could be. This could also be someone from the past. An old friend in particular.

**As for the person from the past, to help you figure out if this reading is for you— i was thinking back of the cards I pulled and this person felt emotionally immature and manipulative, though I’m not sure it’s intentionally. Were you trying to fix them? To make them feel better? But they were so stuck in their toxic habits/mindset that they just ended up sending your world into turmoil? Because that came through strongly just now.

The vibes I get: thank you, troubles disappearing, a sigh of relief

Why they’re coming in? King of Swords, King of Cups reversed, 4 of Cups reversed

This person is coming in to help you move on from the pain and worries that you have been in. You’re ready to get back to business and this person will be there for you. Cheerleading came to me as well, so that’s what they’ll be— your cheerleader. You’re also going to be stepping into a new chapter of maturity and level headedness. Any responsibilities or ideas you’ve been putting off, this person is going to help you with them.

How they'll help you? 9 of Wands, The Empress reveresed

Like I mentioned before, they’re going to help ease your anxieties, pain and sadness. With The Empress rx, ‘makeover’ came to me as well and I got super excited, so maybe that’s what you need and this person will help you with? They’re going to help you sort your emotions, make sense of everything and feel confident, attractive and capable again.

Potential Struggles? The World, Page of Wands

Setting your world back in order is going to take some work, but the results will be worth it. The only caution would be don’t rush your actions, without thinking about the consequences fully.

———

Disclaimer: I read tarot for self reflection and guidance purposes, but as always, this reading is for fun and entertainment purposes only. I may include advice for if you find a particular topic resonating, but it is in no way meant to replace any kind of professional advice. Any reading I post is in no way meant to act as or replace professional advice of any kind. You know yourself and what’s going on in your life best so I ask that you trust yourself above all else. Prediction readings are to be seen simply as a potential outcome. Finally, please take only what resonates from the reading which may be some of it, all of it, or none at all.

[thedevilsdom]

snake girlfriend

contains: F!Reader/Leviathan, pegging, feminization, cross dressing, taking your snake gf out on a date

i wanted to see feminization with Leviathan, to nobody’s surprise

word count: ~6.5k

You were surprised by how little convincing it took to have Leviathan agree to this.

You were just hanging out with him in his room one day, doing what you usually do there, which is go on your D.D.D or on a handheld console while he played something on his computer and you two just enjoyed doing your own thing in the company of each other. Suddenly, you were struck with a brilliant idea, and decided why not bring it up to your boyfriend?

“Levi,” You called, grabbing his attention away from his game. He pulled his headphones down to around his neck, played for a second or two more so that he could get somewhere he could pause, and spun his chair around to face you in his bathtub. You look up at him casually, turning your phone screen to show him what you were looking at. On your social media feed, you’d gotten a post from someone about an outfit of the day they were wearing. It was simple, a cute white blouse and a dusty pink skirt, with thigh high white socks and cute brown leather shoes. He squinted at your screen for a moment then looks past it to you,

“Y-yeah, you’d look cute in that.” He stated, thinking that that’s what you were asking, before putting his headphones back on. Before he could turn back to his computer, you giggled,

“Not on me, baby.”

And he froze.

“I was thinking about… You know how you put on cute little things for me, sometimes?” You said, referring to his cosplay, costumes, and lingerie that you’ve either seen or had him wear. “I was thinking about how maybe we could get you all pretties up and I could take you out for a day on the town.” By this point you’d stepped out of the tub and walked over to him, one hand on one arm rest of his chair, and the other gently holding his chin to make him look up at you. His face was flaming red. “I could take you out as my pretty little girlfriend.”

“Y-yes! Of course!” He yelped, voice high. You tried to not let the shock show on your face, surprised at how very little you had to say before he was agreeing to your idea. Instead, you give him a pleased smile and a short, soft kiss.

“Good. I’ll get everything ready, you don’t have to worry about a thing.” You started scrolling through your phone in preparation. “I’ll tell you once I figure out when we’re doing this.” You knew that Leviathan likes to know things ahead of time, so nothing gets sprung on him, though of course telling him also gives him the opportunity to start getting anxious ahead of time, but you figured that that’s better than him going into a fit and refusing to leave the house because he doesn’t feel prepared enough.

Over the course of the next couple of days, you figured out the perfect day that you could use for this. Lucifer was going to be at meetings with Diavolo, Mammon had to catch up on RAD work, Satan had a debate, and so on and so forth. Everyone was going to be busy, save for you and Leviathan, and that meant that there wouldn’t be any chance for any of them to spot you two outside. You didn’t really care if they saw you, but you knew that Leviathan would rather anything other than his brothers seeing him dolled up like that.

During that time, you’d also managed to get your hands on something that Leviathan could wear. With your preparations out of the way, you’re ready for your date with your beautiful girlfriend.

--

The day finally rolls around and you get up, immediately sending a message to Leviathan.

MC: >> Do you want to eat something here and then go out? That way we could have tea at a nice little café while we’re out

Levi: >> Sounds good to me

MC: > I’ll grab something for us from the kitchen and head up

You swing by the kitchen, whipping up some ‘breakfast ramen’, that Leviathan had told you how to make. Really it was just instant noodles with an egg, but it was something familiar that he liked, and you figure that he’s probably feeling a little anxious and this should settle his nerves at least a little. Once that’s ready, you take that and the other stuff you’d need up to his room.

By the time you get there, Leviathan’s been up for a little bit, kind of just puttering about his room, keeping himself occupied with little things until you arrive. When you open the door, his eyes go wide for a second before he spots the tray in your hands and rushes over, taking it from you and setting it down at his desk. He pulls up his gaming chair and the second seat in his room that you’d made him buy, setting them up and putting a bowl in front of each of the chairs. Once organized, he immediately starts chowing down.

“So,” You say, taking a bite of some of your own noodles, “I was thinking that we could go shopping for a little bit, then maybe go grab a bite and head home a little after?” Watching him nod tentatively, you push the bag you’d brought to him, “You can look at your outfit, if you want.”

He finishes his meal quickly and unzips the bag, looking into it and pulling each item out one by one. The first thing out is a long sleeved, white blouse, with little cuffs at the wrists that make the sleeve bell out just a little bit. The next thing he takes out is the pair of white thigh high stockings, they have tiny white bows at the top cuff. Then the shoes, they’re simple and leather with a little bit of a heel, something he could comfortably walk in for a while, while not looking too masculine. Next out is a wig, soft and comfortable, and similar to his own hair color, already styled by you into a style that’s vaguely reminiscent of Ruri-Chan’s twin ponytails. Finally, he pulls out the skirt. It’s baby pink and pleated, reminiscent of a school girl’s uniform.

“There’s more stuff in there.” You say through a mouthful of noodles, gesturing with your chopsticks. He sets the clothing aside and peers into the bag, curious. Inside he spots some basic make up, and under it-

“I- I can’t wear that!” He gasps, shoving the bag and its contents back at you. You catch the bag effortlessly and pull out the little lingerie set.

“Nobody will see it but me, and I think your boxers would show past the hem of your skirt.” You state, setting the bag down on the floor next to your seat. “But if you wouldn’t be comfortable in them, we can figure something else out.” Leaning forward, you give him a kiss on the forehead, “I want you to have a good time today.” Extending the hand that holds the lingerie set out to him, you leave the option open for his consideration.

Timid hands with painted nails delicately take the lingerie as Leviathan looks it over. He feels the texture of the fabric between his finger tips. Its smooth, soft, and it feels like it’d actually be more comfortable than his current briefs. Along with a pair of white, simple panties, is a bralette. It’s sheer and white, with no cups or any real form, it would hug against his chest. He knows that this won’t serve any real purpose besides you knowing that he’s wearing it. A shiver races down his spine at that.

“I-I’ll wear it!” He yelps, more loudly than he intended, his hand immediately flying to his mouth and covering it. You giggle, a sound that makes his heart flutter.

“I’m glad, Levi.” You take his hand and press a kiss to his knuckles. “Should I help you get dressed, or can you manage?” He looks at you, then looks away, then back at you as he mulls over the options.

“I-I’ll get myself ready.”

With that, you give him a gentle smile and gather up the dishes from your breakfast.

“I’ll be back in a little bit to do your make up, then.” You pick up the tray and walk out of the room.

While you’re out washing the dishes and changing into something else yourself, Leviathan is putting his new outfit on.

One he takes everything off, he starts with the lingerie set. He pulls the panties on. With his cocks hidden behind his reptilian vent, they fit well, hugging his form. He can’t help but step in front of his mirror, admiring how they look on him. He struggles a little bit with the bralette before he manages to clip it closed properly, glancing at the mirror again.

Usually Leviathan can’t stand to see himself in the mirror. He usually feels like a slob, someone who doesn’t take care of himself, someone who nobody could possibly think is attractive. Now as he puts his outfit on piece by piece, the outfit that you got for him, the one that you wanted him to wear, the one that you specifically requested he wear because you wanted to see him in it, he can’t take his eyes off his reflection. As his fingers do the final button on his blouse, everything else already on, he feels wanted. He feels loved.

You knock on the door.

You’ve put on the clothes that you plan on wearing out, and you rock back and forth on your heels as you wait for Leviathan to give you the all clear.

“MC? Y-you can come in!” He calls out from the inside of the room. You turn the doorknob and push it open stepping in. The second your eyes land on Leviathan, you can’t help yourself from dropping your bag at the door and approaching him, your arms wrapping around his waist while you admire him.

“You’re so pretty, Levi,” Your voice is an awestruck whisper that makes his face red. You press a kiss to his lips, “Beautiful,” Then one to his jaw, then one on his neck.

“S-s-stop! We- don’t we still- uhm!” He stammers out, head spinning. You smile against his neck, your warm breath making him tremble.

“Right, we still have a date to go on, don’t we?” You pull back. “Go sit, let’s get your make up on.”

Putting make up on Leviathan isn’t too difficult, especially since you’re doing a very simple look. Just a little lipgloss, some mascara, blush, hardly much else but it does leagues to make him look more feminine. He already has a somewhat round face and long lashes, so it truly wasn’t difficult.

“You’re so beautiful,” You sigh, putting away the make up and brushes to take care of later, when you come back. “I get to take my beautiful girlfriend on a nice date!” You sing. Leviathan’s still coming to terms with the fact that you actually want to go out and do something like this with him. You take his hand and lead him out of the room, making your way towards your first destination.

The first place you go to is the main shopping street just a little bit away from the House of Lamentation. You keep Leviathan’s hand in yours the whole time, glancing up at him whenever you can. His expression is nervous, anticipatory, but excited. He looks happy to be here, out with you. As you get to be a couple blocks away from the House, and nearing the shopping street, you stroke your thumb across his hand.

“How are you feeling?” You ask.

“Good,” He says. “It’s c-comfy… And I like- it- it’s nice, knowing that you think I look good.” The longer he speaks, the quieter he gets, his free hand fiddling with the hem of his skirt.

“Baby, I always think you look good.” You press a kiss to his hand. “You don’t have to worry about a thing today, okay? Just have a good time. I’ll do the talking for you, if you want.” He gives an eager little nod, letting you lead the way.

You make your way to the shopping street easily. You hear Leviathan’s heels clicking on the stone path as you lead him into a little new comic shop that he’d been meaning to stop at for some time now, but had never gotten out of the house to do it. His eyes light up when he steps inside, immediately dragging you around the store to point out the different things he sees, from the décor reminiscent of some of his favorite series, to the new issues of the comics and manga he’s been reading. He finds himself at one of the bins of comics, walking his fingers across the tops of each issue in the bin, examining them to see if there’s anything in there that he doesn’t own yet.

While he’s doing that, you notice a trio of demons enter the comic shop and you immediately notice one of them looking at Leviathan, whose back is to them. You glance at Levi, put together easily that with his natural height plus the heels, he has to be bending over to look through the comic books, and you’re sure that neither him nor you want some random demon seeing up his skirt. You step between the demon and Levi, crossing your arms and just giving them a glare.

When the demon steps forward, you do to, intending to be far enough from Levi that he can’t hear what you say. The demon thankfully doesn’t try to sidestep you to get to him. When you both meet in the middle of your paths, they point past you at Levi.

“That your friend?” They say. They look like they’re about to talk more when you cut them off,

“My girlfriend, actually.” You school your expression into something stern. You’re not looking for a fight or an argument, but you want to put a stop to this right here. Luckily, the demon gets what you’re saying, mumbles an apology, and stumbles back off to meet back up with their friends somewhere else in the shop. By the time you spin back around, Leviathan has picked a book and is leaned back against the table with the bins, holding the book to his chest and looking like a girl straight out of an anime.

With a couple easy strides to him, you lean up and kiss him on the cheek.

“Is this all you want?” Your hands carefully take the comic from him, looking at the cover. For a second, you’re worried that having seen that interaction between you and the demon could have soured the mood and made him uncomfortable, but instead, he responds,

“Heheh… You protected me from that guy like I’m some kind of love interest~” He sang with a shy, dopey kind of smile.

“You are my love interest, silly.” You chuckle, walking with him over to the counter and buying the comic for him, handing him the little shopping bag once you’re done.

Once you’re outside the store, you’re holding Leviathan’s free hand in your own. You spend a little longer mostly popping in and out of different comic shops, manga stores, and game stores and letting Leviathan wander around. In the last game store you stop in, another group of demons is eyeing Leviathan up, but you just give them a stern look and it’s enough to shoo them off, thankfully. When you walk over to Leviathan, he’s found a game he wants, and he’s staring down at it in his hands, but you can’t help but notice that he’s a little spacey. His eyes are half lidded with his pupils blown, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, and his cheeks tinted pink.

“Levi? Baby girl?” You hum, tugging on his sleeve. He shivers at the name.

“Ah,” He looks at you, and you easily recognize exactly what he’s feeling. “I- Their envy, they’re so jealous, I can feel their envy.” He purrs. “They wanna be you, they wanna be me, but- but we’re us and-“ He drops his head against your shoulder, “And I’m yours and only yours.”

You can hear the smile in his voice. Lifting your hand, you pet the back of his head.

“You’re mine, baby,” You keep your voice low, so only you and him can hear it, “But if you get hard, your skirt won’t do a good job of hiding it.”

That has him yelping and pulling away from you straightening back up to his full height with a burning blush across his cheeks.  He only flushes redder at your mischievous smile.

“Or would you like that?” You ask. He fervently shakes his head, not trusting his mouth to speak. “Aw, what, you don’t want to show everybody what a good girl you are? How needy you are for me?”

“Nnno! No, MC, come on,” His hands grab the edge of his skirt’s hem at the front, holding and pulling it down. “Don’t make me think about- about that, please, don’t make me think about that!” Levi’s voice is hardly a whisper as he’s hunched over, looking up at you through teary eyes. He looks absolutely desperate.

“Alright, baby girl,” You give him a quick kiss and go and buy the game, leaving him standing there for a minute and hoping that he’ll manage to calm himself down a little, before returning slipping the game into his bag with his comic book. “You want to go grab something to eat?”

“U-uh, yeah, yeah sure.” He takes your hand again- his hand is so warm- and lets you lead him around to your next stop.

Getting a table at the café is fairly easy. It isn’t too crowded, but there are certainly enough people there to make the atmosphere nice and lively. Once you’re seated, you look up at Levi. Oddly enough, he looks a lot less anxious than he has on past outings. Though, every time he spots you looking at him, he blushes and looks away with a cute little smile on his face. You take his hand above the table and press a kiss to his knuckles, your lips soft against his skin,

“I have the prettiest girlfriend,” You sing. Levi’s cheeks take on a deep pink, and he looks around the café. As the seconds pass, you note that he’s slipping back into that turned on, spaced out kind of look again. “Oh? Levi,” Your thumb strokes across his knuckles, “You feeling how much all those demons wish they were in my spot? How much they want you?”

As you speak in a low voice, you stroke the inside of his calf with the toe of your shoe and he jumps so hard his knees bang against the underside of the table. You notice his free hand drift down between his legs and you give him a knowing smile.

“Y-you- you have to stop talking about that! I won’t, hnn, I won’t be able to stop myself from getting hard in my-“ His voice drops to a muted whisper, “in my panties…”

“Oh, so you do remember what I said earlier.” You smirk at Levi, who looks like he’s about to pass out. Luckily for him, by the time the waitress comes around to get your order, Leviathan’s managed to get himself under control, and both his hands have returned to rest on top of the table, one in yours.

“Hi! What can I get the two of you?” The waitress gives a sunny smile and you look up at her,

“I’ll take the short cake and…” Glancing at Levi, he’s giving you a docile, submissive smile so you go ahead, “And she’ll have the crepe.”

“Alright, one shortcake and one crepe, coming right up,” The waitress heads off to the kitchen and you turn back to Levi who’s got hearts in his eyes. You know that if he were in his demon form, his tail would be doing that cute little wiggle that it’s prone to do when he’s happy.

“I saw you looking at the picture, looks like something right out of a manga so I knew you’d like it.” You say, an innocent smile on your face as your foot resumes its teasing and he lets out a petulant whine, his hand reaching down to bat your foot away, and with a chuckle you resign to his wishes.

While you wait for the food to come out, you ask him about the new things he got, and let him explain them. His face is lit up the whole time, a big smile across his lips and eagerness in his eyes. He almost doesn’t notice when the waitress sets the food in front of you until you look at his crepe and nudge it closer to him. With a little ‘oh!’ he slips his game back into its bag and pulls the stand closer to him. It’s a Japanese style crepe, one that’s rolled into a cone and filled with cute little fruits and toppings. As he’s marveling at it, you can’t help but take out your D.D.D,

“Hey, baby girl,” You call softly, getting his attention and showing him that you want to take a photo. He gives you a peace sign and an adorable grin, and you snap the photo, immediately putting it into your password locked folder. Immediately after, you take your fork and scoop off a little piece of shortcake, extending your arm and offering to Levi.

The fingertips of his free hand loosely rests against your wrist for stability as he takes the fork past his sharp teeth and onto his forked tongue.

“Mm! That’s good!” He grins, pushing his crepe to you so you can try a little bit. You both continue that way, essentially splitting the desserts until you’re done. Once you are, you pay the check and head out.

“I’ve got one more place I wanna stop.” You say, checking the time. Even including the place you’re thinking of, you should be able to get through there and back to the House before any of Leviathan’s brothers are out and about. The thought of being caught doesn’t even cross his mind. He’s put all his trust into your planning and ideas, and he just nods, ready to go along with your plan. You turn off the main street, going onto one of the side ones. It’s still populated with shops, though it’s a little less crowded.

Leviathan allows himself to be pulled along with you, slowly swinging his arm back and forth as he holds your hand. He’s so preoccupied with the euphoria of being your pretty date and being out and about without being anxious and holding your hand-

He doesn’t notice where you’ve wound up until you tug his arm a little, telling him to look up.

His eyes first catch on the mannequins in the front of the store, in a display behind the glass. Then he notices what they’re wearing. Cute, frilly, lacy lingerie decorates each of the mannequins, draping and hugging across their bodies. His whole face goes red and you giggle.

“I wanna buy my baby girl something pretty,” You step in front of him and loosely wrap your hands around his waist, “But if you’re not comfortable we don’t have to go in.”

Again, just as when you’d given him the lingerie, he mulls it over in his head, rolling his words around in his mouth over his tongue and seeing how they feel, eyes scouring across the display mannequins before finally giving a shy little nod and squeezing your hand a little. With a pleased smile, you slowly lead him into the store.

The inside of the store is pretty dark, and it’s reasonably high end, but not so much so that employees would bombard the two of you to try to get your sizes or overwhelm Levi or anything of the sort. The workers who do come to help, you easily dismiss with a “we’re fine, thank you,” and you let Leviathan explore the store, with you tagging along behind him.

He skims past a lot of the more reveling lingerie, walking through the shop before eventually landing on a display filled with babydolls. The top is lacy and white, then sheer panels of fabric cover the midsection of the mannequin, with the bottoms being a lacy pair of panties. The one that’s caught Leviathan’s eye seems to be one of the more simple ones. Your arm rests gently across the small of his back as you observe what he’s looking at.

“That one seem good?” You ask. “I think you’d look so good in that.” You look and take up one that would fit him, holding it up to his body. “It’s so nice and light, all the hickeys and bites I leave on you would show up so nicely underneath it.”

Leviathan gives a heavy shiver at your purring, voice nodding,

“Y- yes, this one.” The idea of being marked up by you has him using every inch of his willpower to not get hard in his panties. “I wanna wear this one for you.”

“Wonderful, I’ll get this one for you, then!” You say with a grin that looks far too innocent for Leviathan’s liking. You skip over to the check out counter. While you’re handling that, Leviathan is looking around the store. Contrary to what he’d expected, nobody is giving him any strange looks or anything, mostly just going about their own business without so much as a glance in his direction. You return and- for the sake of Leviathan’s dignity- slide the new lingerie into his bag with the other things he got, rather than using one of the pretty, recognizable bags from the store.

You finally start to make your way towards the House, timing it so that you’ll make it there before anyone else is moving about the house. The second Leve crosses the boundary of the House’s entryway, you can visibly see his nervousness start to creep back into his body. Ushering him quickly into your room, you shut the door behind you and see him relax with a deep sigh.

“Hah, we made it,” He says, relieved. Looking around the room, he delicately takes the wig off and sets it on the desk you have. “I was getting a little warm in that but the rest of this is surprisingly comfortable!” He gives you a cute little twirl. “I was worried I’d start to hate it halfway through.”

The way your eyes track his hips- dipping under his skirt to catch a glimpse of his ass covered by his panties when he gives a twirl- does not go unnoticed by him. The second his eyes follow to see where yours are looking, his hands fly down to hold the hem of his skirt down with a scandalized gasp.

“You’re such a perv!” He barks, though you can hear the amused tones of his laughter underneath his words. His face is a heated pink, but he’s still got a shy smile on his lips. You set your own bag down and approach Leviathan, grabbing onto his hips and pulling him close to you.

“I’m sure I’m allowed to be a bit pervy when I’ve got such a cute girl on my hands.” One of your hands slips back and gives his ass a squeeze, eliciting a sharp yelp from him.

“W-we’re back home, you don’t, y’know, you don’t have to keep calling me that.” His brow is creased and he looks away as he speaks. You tilt your head, putting on a false face of innocent confusion.

“Hm? But I thought you liked it?” You say sweetly, then dropping your voice back down to a knowing, teasing purr, “I know you liked it an awful lot when we were outside, and now that we’re in private, I wanna see you get hard in your pretty little panties.” You smooth your hand over the round curve of his ass, giving it another squeeze. Your hand slips under his skirt, coming to his front and down to his panties. You stroke the pads of your fingers against his vent, just slowly stroking across the slit.

“Aahn-“ Levi offers up a shivery and a shaky moan as you feel his cocks emerge against your hand. You push your into his panties, slipping your middle finger against one side of his vent and your ring finger against the other so you can feel every ridge of his cocks being slipped out of his slit. You also feel the extreme amounts of the slick fluid that comes with, it’s absolutely soaking his panties and he gasps and squeezes his legs together as he feels the lubricant drip down along the inside of his thighs.

“Here,” You take the hem of his skirt and push it into his hands, “Hold this.” Before he can get a word in, you step back and snap a photo of him holding up his skirt, his upper cock tenting his panties while the other hangs out through one of the leg holes. You immediately put that photo into your password locked folder with the other picture you’d taken today.

“Pervert!” He yelps once he realizes, immediately pushing his skirt down and making the tent in it obvious.

“Aw, Levi,” You step back forward and kiss his neck softly, hardly just a press of your lips to the sensitive, heated skin, “I’m the only one who will ever see it, this lovely view is only for me. But if you really want, I’ll delete it.”

“Nnn-“ He squirms underneath your adoring touch, “No, you- uh, you can keep it.” He feels you smile against his neck.

“Good,” You kiss there, “My good girl,” A little nip makes him jolt, “My beautiful baby girl.” Your hand dips back down to his cocks. You go past his lengths, just beneath them, your middle finger nudging at the bottom of his vent. He jumps a bit.

You’ve experimented with this little place before. Event after he’s become erect and his cocks have come out of his vent, you’ve found that you can put your finger into his vent. It’s sensitive, and it always brings Leviathan to his climax incredibly quickly and it always humiliated Leviathan. Even so, he tilts his hips forward to allow your access to that little channel.

You slide your middle finger past the lips of his vent, into his channel and he immediately whines, legs shaking and knees threatening to buckle. His hands immediately fly up to grab onto your arms, burying his face in your shoulder. His entire body quivers with the effort of keeping himself standing and still as you ease in your finger to the second knuckle, stroking along his slick inner walls.

“S-So much! Ahhh!” He sobs into your shoulder as you push your finger in to the last knuckle. You feel him start to shakily mouth at and kiss your neck, desperate for something to keep his mouth occupied and prevent him from saying thing that would embarrass himself. “Close, so close,” He murmurs between kisses. Your hand strokes the back of his head and your finger inside him gently rubs his channel’s walls. He shudders, his grip on you tightening as he sobs into your skin. You suddenly feel his teeth against your skin as he bites down on you, his channel quivering around you while his cocks throb and absolutely soak the inside of his skirt with cum. He moans again and again, his sounds eventually petering off into whining cries before you finally allow him some respite and withdraw your hand.

“So cute, my good girl,” You let him pull back from you, big eyes filled with tears that have ruined his make up. He gives a little sniffle, looking away and then down at his skirt, so saturated with his cum that it’s sticking to his still erect cocks. “Do you want something in your pussy?” You ask as you slip your clean hand back to his ass and grope it. Leviathan yelps and jumps a bit, looking at you past his smudged mascara and eyeliner, giving you a shaky nod and sigh.

Fiddling with his hands, he approaches the bed and bends over, presenting his ass to you and reaching behind him to lift his skirt. Under his skirt, you see his ass hidden by the panties spread across him. Between his legs you see his cocks, both by now having slipped out through the leg hole of the flimsy underwear, cum dribbling down the inside of his thighs and dirtying the tops of his thigh high socks.  His skin is flushed, and past his hips you can see him turned to look over his shoulder at you, his eyes brimming with tears still and his face a bright, shameful red. You rush to remove your pants and underwear and put on your strap on, wanting nothing more than to see him screaming under you.

“H-Hurry up and- uh- come fill my pussy! Please?” He says, unsure of what he’s really even saying. You hide your amused smile as you secure the large, girthy toy on your strap on and approach him. You roughly grab a handful of his ass the second you’re within range to do so. Your fingers and nails dig into the soft flesh and he cries out.

“You want me to fill up your pussy? What a cute little thing,” You tug his panties down, “I didn’t think a pretty little girl would be making such slutty requests.” His pink little hole tightens around nothing and his cocks throb untouched between his legs at your words. He sobs and more tears roll down his cheeks.

“F-fuck me, Mistress! I need you to fuck me, please,” His voice trembles with his request, “I’ve been so- so needy all day, all day when I was out with you, I kept just thinking of this, please!”

“All day?” You purr, slicking your strap up with lubricant and lining it up with his fluttering hole, “You want it like this? No stretching? I’m sure your depraved little hole could take it, hm?” He just nods, lips drawn tightly shut but moans and whines still leaving his throat as he gently pushes his hips back, feeling the round head of your strap nudge at his hole but never quite breach it.

“All day, Mistress,” He mewls, “Every time some- somebody was jealous of us- I almost couldn’t stop the f-feeling. Even just thinking about it, I- hhhnn,” With a heavy shudder, his demon form overtakes him and his tail wraps possessively around your waist. Neediness and lust roil inside him as he rocks his hips back in the most lewd display you’ve ever seen him put on.

“Take it like the slut you are, then.”

With that, you surge your hips forward and sheath your strap inside him with a single shove. The reaction you get from your beautiful baby is priceless.

Leviathan screams a sound like he’s dying as his back arches like it’ll break and he throws his head back. His tail squeezes around you and his cocks throb, cum pouring out of him again as he hits his second orgasm for the night, hole spasming around the sudden intrusion and the pain of the stretch. One of his hands grabs the bed sheets while the other flies back to grab the wrist of your hand on his hip, squeezing tightly to ground himself to you. Your other hand reaches under him to stroke him through his orgasm.

“Pretty baby girl, your pussy’s so tight around me.” You hum, not even sure if he can hear you over his own yowling. Your hips give slow grinds as you work him through his climax, until he finally slumps down, limbless on the bed and panting hard.

“M-more,” His worn voice croaks. “Need more, Mistress, I have- have more to give, still need to cum more.” Despite his tired state, he still tries to hump back against you, body still jolting against his will in the aftershocks and sensitivity of his last climax. You press your hips flush against his before pulling back and beginning to fuck him in earnest.

“Maybe I should get a toy to plug that slutty mouth up,” You grab onto a horn and pull his head back while you lean forward and nuzzle into his neck, feeling him tense, “Maybe I’ll shove a nice, long toy down your throat? Watch it bulge. What a slut.” With that, your hand slips from his horn down to around his neck, gently holding it against his throat. You feel him swallow, and the vibrations of his voice as he groans hotly at the idea.

“N-not a slut,” He whimpers, looking down at the mattress as more tears fall from his eyes, “’M only yours, just yours.” His head is spinning with the pleasure he’s feeling, and you know that he’s past the point of overtly trying to say anything sexy, that he’s now just broken into speaking whatever comes across his mind.

“Oh, oh, baby.” Your hand releases his throat and strokes down the soft length of his back, coming to grab his ass again, “You are just mine.” A shiver runs through his body at that declaration.

“Just yours, just yours, only yours,” He chants, babbling whatever crosses his fucked out brain. “Filling up my pussy so- so good!” His words are interrupted by hitching breaths and sobs. You know exactly what he wants, you decide to humor him. You lean down and press your front to his back, one of your arms looping around his chest and holding you to him. The contact of his heated skin against yours make him whine.

“My good girl, such a pretty thing, your pussy’s so tight around me. You wanna cum again?” Your other hand jerks him off, “Cum again for me, baby girl, you deserve it, you did so well today.” He nods fervently.

Levi’s body shudders before tensing against you and wailing a garbled version of your name as he cums for the third time, body oversensitive and every nerve feeling like a livewire, but he wants nothing more than to please you and feel that same pleasure coursing through his own body. He’s long since run out of energy, body now just twitching involuntarily with each spurt of cum onto the bed. When he’s finally done, his whole frame goes limp and once you pull out and let go of him, he flops over onto his side.

“So good for me,” You kiss his jaw, then his cheek as you take off your strap, “Beautiful, you make such nice sounds and I love you so much.” You allow whatever you’re thinking to fall from your lips while your hands idly, slowly pet Leviathan’s body, just to make sure he knows- even through his blissed out mind- that you’re there. He can only make himself whine in response, just a soft pitiful noise to alert you that he’d heard you.

“When you’re good and ready we can get you cleaned up.” You refer to his messed up make up and cum soaked clothes. “I’m so happy that you enjoyed this, baby, I love you so much, I really hope I made this good for you.”

“So good.” He squeaks. You smile against his skin. Cleaning his skin and clothes and the bed sheets would come later. For now, all that matters is keeping Leviathan happy, and easing him back down. For now, you hold him against you until he comes back to his body enough to wrap his arms around you and purr, that lovely little sound that you’re so enamored by.

When he’s a tad more coherent, you start removing his clothes and setting them aside, immediately noting that with his coherency returning, his self consciousness does as well. You plant a little kiss to his bare shoulder,

“You’re beautiful even without the clothes and make up, Levi.” You say. He can’t quite wrangle the words to say, instead looking away from you with flushed cheeks. “I’ll make sure you know that.”

“…Promise?” His big orange eyes look up at you. You smile down at him,

“Promise, baby.”

[floralovebot]

what are ur thoughts... on helia's relationship with masculinity? his earlier wardrobe was softer colors and peasant blouses and his (beautiful, beautiful T^T) hair was kept long. obviously we know that shit slapped even if the show wont acknowledge it now. his look always made him super distinct from the rest of the guys, but i feel like that may have also been an alienizing factor? red fountain is a military school and i promise im not asking for your take on gender roles or toxic masculinity of the entire magic dimension or to write helia a planet and culture and backstory from scratch (unless? 👀, bc your takes are always fascinating), but do you think he was ever taken with that, or felt subject to other's opinions on that sort of thing? has he always been comfortable with his presentation, or did he have any clumsy teenage overcompensating? if the latter, would you say leaving red fountain helped him come to terms with that or reinvent himself to his tastes? or maybe had him overcorrecting in the opposite direction, to distance himself from the red fountain lifestyle as well as account for his two haircuts and more traditionally masculine style later on?

anon i'm in love with you.

I have so many thoughts about Helia's overall aesthetic (and some about his concept designs heheh) but I won't get into all of them since that would make this way too long. To be honest, within canon we don't know a lot about Helia's personal thoughts about Red Fountain or the culture surrounding it and other military/paramilitary establishments. While this does make it harder for people to give him a solid characterization, it actually makes a lot of sense considering how quiet he is in terms of his own thoughts on things. We have random tidbits and rumors from other characters but almost nothing from him.

When it comes to his looks in canon, honestly I don't think it would ever be an issue. While long hair on men is stigmatized in real life, in Winx Club it's not that big of a deal, in fact, it's pretty normal. We see multiple male characters with long hair and not typically considered masculine wardrobes. Saladin, Palladium, Avalon, Valtor, and even background Specialists are just a few examples. Longer hair on men is a normal thing throughout all of the planets and only seems to be weird on Earth (ie Sky and Helia cutting their hair to blend in). While I do have a lot of thoughts on Helia's hair, I really doubt it was ever an issue in canon. It's only an area of topic in the fandom due to a couple of things that don't factor into canon (such as men having long hair being stigmatized in real life or the rumors that Helia was originally a female character [with absolutely no proof of that besides his long hair and slightly more feminine looking face]).

I think when it comes to Helia feeling out of place, it would likely have more to do with his personal interests, aka art, and not necessarily wanting to be a Specialist. Contrary to fanon, Helia likes being a Specialist and we know he respects Saladin and Red Fountain as a whole. Him leaving was largely due to being more interested in art than the "family business" so to speak. It's shown multiple times in canon that Helia feels a lot of pressure from being related to Saladin and that his own actions and opinions affect both Saladin and the school (which says a lot about how the Magix Dimension feels about families and relations). His back and forth between being a Specialist and being an artist have to do with him not wanting to disappoint Saladin or affect his image in a negative way.

We do know that other Specialists and people outside of the school have opinions about him and what he does but we don't actually know how he feels about that or how he deals with it. It gets brought up quite a few times; random people who aren't close to him talking shit for no reason (Brandon in ep.8, Riven multiple times in the comics, other random specialists, etc), and yet, Helia's own feelings about the matter never get revealed. Again, I think this plays into how quiet he is about his own emotions, not wanting to start shit or get into a fight that could later damage Red Fountain's image.

In that way, you could say Helia deals with some amount of rejecting masculinity, but personally, I think his actions have more to do with feeling like he needs to have a "good" image because of his familial relations. Helia doesn't start conflict, he doesn't push things or engage in arguments, he's extremely conscious about how his actions affect Saladin and the school (he even uses this to his advantage in the Shaab Stone arc). We don't know the extent of how much people talk about him, behind his back or to his face, and we don't the extent of how much it affects him.

Personally, I think Helia is conscious enough to have dealt with toxic masculinity, specifically trying to get away with it, earlier in his life. While Red Fountain is a paramilitary school, it's shown explicitly that they don't tolerate that attitude and try to knock it out of any boy that enters (aka don't start dumb fights, don't insult your teammates, don't do dumb shit to prove your worth, etc). The only reason the main boys managed to stay in the school is that they're canonically the best students and Codatorta believed in them (also cause yknow,, they're the love interests).

While the Magix Dimension definitely has some degree of toxic masculinity, Helia in particular mostly battles with toxic perfectionism and family legacy. He's not consciously or subconsciously trying to be the ideal version of a man nor does he base his life or opinions of himself on that. Helia tries to be the perfect Specialist and the perfect grandson. He tries to be the perfect student in a school that's largely associated with the best soldiers in the universe and that's also run by his grandpa, while also dealing with his own actions and opinions affecting the image of said grandpa and school. So honestly, no, I don't think Helia particularly gets affected by masculinity, toxic or otherwise, and I don't think any of his actions in canon could be led by it. However, I do think he's in an awkward situation and tries too hard to live up to other people's (and his own) expectations of him and that some of those expectations can run into the "ideal" version of masculinity (such as Brandon saying "he doesn't like to get his hands dirty" as an insult).

While I do love the idea of Helia going through a little teenage rebellion and him going to art school being a result of that, in canon, it's partially implied that he really didn't change. Saladin sees him as the same person and the specialists recognize who he is. There is no "whomst the fuck are you" kind of moment with any of the characters. This is more implied by canon than directly shown but, I do think that Helia was one of those people who had to mature quickly as a kid. And that him leaving Red Fountain multiple times is mostly him trying to get away from those expectations. We see this theme with multiple characters so I don't think it's a wild conclusion.

When it comes to his haircuts and different aesthetics, I think that's mainly Rainbow mucking things up. His aesthetic change in S4 is so they can blend in, it's not him being himself. Even when their identities get revealed and everyone knows they aren't from Earth, they're still trying to fit in and live within that Earth culture. His changes in the later seasons are largely due to Nickelodeon not understanding the characters and just wanting a group of masculine soldier dudes.

Unpopular opinion but: I think a better way of showing how out of their element the specialists were in S4, would actually be to cut Helia's hair super short, not just the uneven shreds he got, and then have him grow it out through the season (maybe even magically like they did with Musa) to show that they're chill on Earth and people aren't scared of them. Is this an excuse for me to imagine him with a wolf cut? Yes.

[nonbinaryresource]

hi. i wanted to ask whether or not it’s ok to take comfort in a person that has not officially come out as trans but has included many forms of gender expression in their work? i’m trans and when i listened to this artist’s work (harry styles - she & fine line) i connected with the songs immediately? i found a lot of people in the community who too connected to the songs and interpreted the lyrics as a struggle with one’s gender identity. at first i was against calling harry trans because i thought it was wrong, but then after reading master posts i discovered that he constantly portrays gender in his work (using the trans flag on his album cover; being ok with his friends referring to him with she/her, miss, ‘sue’ instead of ‘harry’, and sis; his obsession with babies and especially wanting to get pregnant; relating himself only to female artists; etc.) and now i’m really confused. it feels comforting as a fan to relate to him and i, and a lot of other fans from the community, sometimes refer to him with he/she/they instead of he/him (he never said his pronouns are he/him). is that wrong? every time my (trans) friends and i refer to him with pronouns other than he/him or tell people not to assume he’s cis as he never specified that, other (usually cis. a trans fan called me transphobic and told me to stop seeking validation from cis white men.) fans will start calling us transphobic and delusional and attacking us to the point we had anxiety attacks over it? i’m just really confused right now. i don’t want to misgender anyone but i don’t understand why relating to someone who, from their actions, could be part of the community is wrong. i’m not out to anyone irl and sometimes i wish people caught on to the little things i do and recognise that i am part of the community. i don’t understand why people keep shutting down the idea the harry could be trans when he never said he was cis and was ok being referred to as she.

he has previously said that there are no lines between what's masculine and what's feminine for him anymore. i'm sorry this is so long and thank you

(You also sent in the song lyrics - thanks for the easy reference! - but I’m clipping those for length reasons.)

Disclaimer before I dig in: I am not a Harry Styles stan, I know very little about him, most of what I am going to say specifically about him is stuff I researched about specifically to answer this ask. I want to speak mostly generally to your question.

Okay, so you posed a pretty succinct, straight forward question. “i wanted to ask whether or not it’s ok to take comfort in a person that has not officially come out as trans but has included many forms of gender expression in their work?“ However, there’s also a lot of context to this ask that makes things not so straight forward, and there are several distinct issues touched upon here I want to delve into. But it seems a good a starting place as any to start with the direct question you asked.

Yes, of course it’s okay to find your own meaning in art and role models and relate to art your way from your perspective based on your experience. In fact, that’s nearly the entire purpose of art! And it makes sense too, that we as social creatures would look up to and be inspired by celebrities, artists, mentors, role models, etc. Feeling connected to and less alone because someone in the spotlight plays with gender presentation like you might or want to makes a lot of sense!

However, we have to remember that A) sometimes art is just art, and B) someone being in the spotlight doesn’t mean we actually know or understand them or are/should act familiar with them.

As an example, a couple years back, Will Jay released a song called “Never Been in Love” that pretty much exploded with aros and aces and became a bit of an anthem for a lot of us. Many wondered if he was aspec himself and there was a lot of queries about it (and I saw quite a few blogs reminding folk that they were allowed to relate to the song even if it meant something different to Will Jay or he wasn’t actually aspec). Earlier this year, he released the song “Lies” where he admits that he was writing songs he thought people would relate to and he actually had been in love even before writing “Never Been In Love”. That should do nothing to diminish how meaningful the song was to people, though! If we related to the song, we related to the song, and if it was meaningful and made us feel seen and understood, that’s great! A lot of times, art is personal, but sometimes art is just an exploration.

This concept applies even more to people themselves. It is soooo easy to idolize and romanticize people you’ve never actually met and really only see the persona they want you to see. Yes, they share personal information with the world and they experience a general lack of privacy that makes you feel like yeah, you really know who they are. But how can you really, personally, intimately know someone without interacting with them, chatting with them, getting to know them one on one? It’s fine to have role models and feel represented by and relate to a celebrity - just do not lose sight of the fact that what you’re feeling is personal feeling on your own end. It’s not something that this celebrity has actually built with you.

To put this another way: it is fine to headcanon fictional characters, but it’s not okay to headcanon real people.

Now, what I’m building up to here is that there are a lot of assumptions I am seeing - from both sides - that we cannot truly know because all we know is what Harry [or anyone] chooses to share with us. I’d like to break this down by going through some specific points.

at first i was against calling harry trans because i thought it was wrong

Okay, there are two sides to this.

1) It is wrong to apply a gender label/descriptor to someone without their permission.

2) In a cisnormative society, “cis” is the default gender label/descriptor to apply to everyone, and that’s equally wrong, so I get why it feels like a rebellion of the system to go “well, there are Reasons they could be trans, so I’m just going to go ahead and call them trans”.

We should get away from automatically labeling everyone as “cis”. However, the way we fix this isn’t to just decide we get to apply whatever label/descriptor to someone we want.

If someone hasn’t clarified or specified their gender (and you can’t/it isn’t a good or safe idea to ask them), it’s the safest bet to go by what they seem to be majority being called or what you can find of them referring to themself as.

In some cases, when someone seems to be specifically avoiding labeling themselves or uncomfortable with labeling themselves, it may be most comfortable for you to also avoid labeling them just as much as possible.

being ok with his friends referring to him with she/her, miss, ‘sue’ instead of ‘harry’, and sis; his obsession with babies and especially wanting to get pregnant; relating himself only to female artists; etc.)

It’s worth considering - is this something for friends only? Or is it open to fans and other public sectors?

Usually if something is for friends only, it’ll be kept out of public eye, but if only friends are doing this, is this something that is only being shared with you or is it something you’re entitled to as well?

Aaaaaaaaalso, it has to be pointed out that it’s binarist and cisnormative in it’s own way to equate different names/pronouns automatically with being trans or being a specific trans identity. Wanting to get pregnant? Do you know how many cis women I’ve heard go on and on about wanting a penis so they can pee standing up (like... all of them anytime we’re outside or camping)? Plenty of cis people use pronouns you might not expect! You don’t have to be trans/nonbinary to use multiple or ‘atypical’ pronouns. Cis people are allowed to use other pronouns as well! They’re allowed to have names typically associated with other genders! Not all gender nonconforming or genderqueer people/people queering gender are trans! Not everybody exploring their gender nor gender presentation is trans!

not to assume he’s cis as he never specified that

It’s great to not assume someone is cis! But that doesn’t automatically make them trans.

i don’t want to misgender anyone but i don’t understand why relating to someone who, from their actions, could be part of the community is wrong.

Do you specifically, absolutely need to gender someone in order to relate to them?

i don’t understand why people keep shutting down the idea the harry could be trans when he never said he was cis and was ok being referred to as she.

I’ve only recently seen a tiny bit of this ‘discourse’ around on twitter, but what I see is a few issues/points:

A) It’s not up to us to claim someone as trans if they have not come out as trans. Coming out is an extremely personal choice and should be up to each individual. “Claiming” them is basically dragging them into something that very well may be not theirs. And if it is theirs, why would you want to steal that moment of getting to determine and declare that away from them?

B) We are all so done with cis, able-bodied white folk being prioritized above the rest of the queer community!!! There are actual, legitimate, out trans people that can be your trans role models and they’re being shoved to the back of the closet in favor of a privileged, white Schrödinger’s Trans. Let’s uplift our actual community instead of getting stuck on someone who may or may not be a part of community - and may not even want to be a part of it!

All that being said, I do want to say something really quickly on Harry himself because it ties back into the assumptions we’ve been talking about. Harry’s sexuality has long been a question on fans and journalists minds, and Harry has pretty consistently made it clear that he’s not really interested in labels or boxes. Harry’s gender is not something that has been asked about, talked about, or answered on much. And his comment on masculinity and femininity? Let’s remember that, like pronouns, masculinity and femininity don’t automatically or inherently relate to one specific gender or not. And, quite frankly, it is faucet of toxic masculinity and cissexism to equate a gnc man/man in a dress with being trans. Men are allowed to wear dresses and makeup and heels! Men are allowed to be soft and nurturing and to cry! Cis or trans, men are allowed to be these things, and arguing that they’re trans simply for doing or being any of these does continue to enforce dangerous and strict views of the gender binary.

Okay, it feels like I kinda put you through the wringer, so I want to go back and reiterate: it is 100% valid to relate to and feel connected to/inspired by someone on the basis of their presentation and gender exploration. It is not valid to claim ownership over their identity because of this. It is possible for two people to experience same or similar things and yet come to different conclusions about themselves!

If Harry Styles as an icon is important to you, I’m glad you can have that! But not everyone will or has to share your connection, and the only one actually qualified to speak on Harry’s gender is Harry himself. Harry could be trans, but it’s his right and his right only to claim that label. Any assuming we do is just that: an assumption. And I want you to be careful with your own feelings getting too attached to the image of Harry you’ve built up in your own head only to potentially have them shattered if Harry decides to speak on things and it turns out his feelings don’t mean what you thought.

Your identity is valid regardless of how Harry Styles feels or identifies. You feeling validated and seen and represented by Harry’s actions is valid regardless of how Harry Styles feels or identifies. It’s great to have role models and be inspired by people, but remember that at the end of the day, you need to be able to rely on yourself to keep up your ego and determine your sense of self.

~Pluto

[misswenndy]

Submissive Men

I think it’s time someone cleared the air around what it means to be a submissive man.  The public perception of a submissive man is not a good one.  There is a huge taboo on it, and many misperceptions on what a submissive man actually is. This is really sad, because many women are missing out on some fantastic men, that just might meet them on all the levels they always wished a man could meet her on.  But since he admits he’s submissive, he is often dismissed as a potential partner in her eyes, due to these misunderstandings.

First of all, the biggest misperception  is that being submissive is weak.  Now lets take a look at this from a few angles.  Being submissive can simply mean, he likes to be led, and he likes to put others before himself.  That he is less aggressive, but more compassionate and thoughtful and selfless.

Now many women, like chivalry, and being courted.  For chivalry to exist, men must put aside their own needs and put hers first, for “regular men” this usually comes with the ulterior motive to get into her pants.  For a submissive man, this comes naturally and his desire to make her happy, and putting her first, makes him happy. So, does a man that wants to please, and wants to make her happy, does that make him weak? In what way?  

Now if you turn it around and look at a “regular man” who is courting and being chivalrous simply to get into her pants for his own selfish needs what do you see?  I see a man that simply wants to use her, and once he’s “conquered” her, he will likely move onto the next woman that he deems worthy of chasing.  Her happiness is often a non issue to him as long as he gets laid.  This is what we see in night clubs and bars all over the world. This isn’t uncommon.  We live in a world where we actually have to explain the definition of consent, lets not forget that.

So, how is a submissive man weak, compared to a “ regular man”?  If you really have a good look, the “regular man” has no commitment, he has no burdens, no sacrifices, therefore, where is the strength?  When you look at the submissive man, he has to put aside his own needs, that takes strength.

He has a willingness to learn who she is, and what she needs, and strive to make her happy, that takes a lot of mental strength and self control.  And, all of that, is before she is even interested in dominating him, he must show and prove his strength of character to her, long before she even considers the idea.  

So he must be strong on the emotional level as well as mental.  Now physically, “regular men” and submissive men, is quite irrelevant. There are submissive men of all forms and “regular men” of all forms, so this isn’t about who is physically stronger. So that’s a non issue.

Physically however, submissive men, tend to be more diplomatic, and try to resolve problems without resorting to violence whenever possible.  “Regular men” on the other hand, tend to be more aggressive, and lack empathy to greater degrees, and tend to resort to violence before proper communication. This is seen all the time in road rage and so on, and lets not even get into rape and all that…

Another misconception about submissive men, is that, they’re gay.  This one is huge, and makes many submissive men hide in the closet afraid to express their submissive tendencies because of the strong taboo.  Being submissive, and being gay, are extremely different things.  That includes submissive’s that gravitate toward cross dressing.  Submissive men, may be a little more gentle, and sometimes a little less masculine. At the same time, we do have a huge issue of toxic masculinity in the world.  So submissive men kind of bring a bit of a balance to what it means to be masculine.  Men are brought up into a world, that teaches them that showing emotions as a man is gay or weak.  

Submissive men, want to show their emotions, because they understand that suppressing these emotions isn’t healthy for anyone in their lives.  Allowing emotion to flow freely through them, enables them to be vulnerable with the women in their lives, who are no strangers to vulnerability, with toxic masculinity always chasing her.

When you take a good look at vulnerability in this way, you can begin to see it as a strength and not a weakness.  A submissive man allowing himself to be vulnerable means he must open up in all the ways he fears the most.

In other words, he must face his deepest fears, and allow himself to be naked, emotionally with his partner.  This is something many men, never, ever, experience.  They’re not strong enough to let go that much.  They’re too busy believing that being macho and unfeeling is somehow the only way to be strong in this world, and as a result we have a world at war, which is nothing more than a big dick contest.

So submissive men, actually bring a balance to masculinity, that can meet the feminine on the levels most men never can. So instead of seeing submissive men as being gay, perhaps we can change the perception to having the balls to be emotional.

Even if a submissive is a cross dresser, or a sissy, it does not mean he is gay.  It means, he wants to understand the feminine, that the raw power felt exploring what it means to be feminine, humbles him as a man.  It actually helps him become a better man, because he is balancing his masculine and feminine sides within him, which will give him a stronger intuition, bring him more in touch with his body, and the natural world.  

It will make him feel more alive, more in tune, and give him heightened senses.  So exploring the feminine side isn’t necessarily a bad thing for a man to do, and I would recommend that all men be open minded enough, and dare I say, strong enough to actually explore it a little.  

Now many men, especially if not submissive, reading this, would be offended by that.  If you’re not comfortable enough to explore the feminine side, how can you call yourself a macho man? There’s a weakness there, inhibitions, fear of vulnerability. It has nothing to do with being gay, that’s the excuse that you come up with to rationalize your decision to never explore it.  The ego in full force.

There is only one thing that makes anything gay, and there is nothing wrong with being gay either. But lets at least get our definitions straight.  The only time anything is gay, is if it’s being done, or desired to be done, with the same gender.  That’s it, nothing more.  

A girl can take a man up the ass with a strap on, and it’s not gay. It’s anal sex. It’s not gay sex.  He can desire to be taken up the ass by his girlfriend, or even on his own, with a butt plug.  Again, not gay.  If he desires a man to be doing it, then yes, that’s gay.  A man wearing panties is not gay either. A man being feminine isn’t gay. A man being with another man, masculine or feminine, that’s gay.  I think you’re getting the point I’m making?

I hope you are, because, the stigma is ridiculous, and the misperception needs to rectified. There are so many submissive men in this world that deserve a chance.

Submissive men must be so strong, to face the extreme levels of vulnerability to submit to a woman in a relationship, that strength and value is often not given credit.  So much of what we see on the internet portrays submissive men as weak, and worthless, to be degraded and humiliated and treated like a dog.  Now, the idea of the things above, in fantasy, can be a turn on, because it caters to a submissive’s desire to submit, no matter how hardcore.

But in reality, it’s a very different picture. In reality it can be a whole lot more romantic and intimate, passionate and charming.  A submissive can be cherished by a woman, and make a fantastic partner that can really meet her on all the right levels and satisfy her needs, not just sexually, but around the house, and in life in general.  He wants to. He needs to.  

It’s a part of who he is, to make her happy is to make him happy.  He’s a man with the ulterior motive of making her happy to make him happy. It’s a very different approach than simply getting laid and moving on to the next.  

A relationship with one partner dedicated to making the other partner happy, is difficult to fail.  It sets a foundation from the start and it has the ability to evolve, because communication is open.  Trust is inherent.  Where there’s trust, there’s always going to be passion and intimacy.  Without trust, there are always insecurity issues, cheating issues, masturbation issues…. etc… With a submissive man, all of those issues are non existent.  It helps her to fully relax knowing he’s there for her, without any doubt of his intentions.  How many women and men, could benefit from this kind of relationship?

And that, is precisely why I wrote a book dedicated to introducing this kind of relationship in a gentle way that doesn’t scare people away with intense fetishes or erotica. A practical approach to a relationship that can set you both free in ways you can’t even imagine yet.  The human body is designed to love, to feel, to be vulnerable, to let go of inhibitions and be accepted for who you really are, with another, down to the deepest level of your soul.

[i-did]

hi mlm here. so i want to write andreil smut but im a virgin so i have no idea what exactly sex is like. but i do not want to write it for the.... straight women gaze. what are some things that are accurate to write about. this is prolly super nsfw but i dont know who to ask.

Okay so this response took me literally months, and I'm sorry about that. I honestly was so excited when I got this question. I don't know why I put off responding?? But here I go: 

CW for discussion of NSFW, STD’s, and a lil homophobia

I bet a lot of people who write smut are virgins tbh, that's not to insult anyone or anything, but like writing is a non physical way to explore sex and fantasies by yourself, so you’re definitely not alone lol.

So you're MLM and want to write smut, (and others who want to get my opinions on writing non-fetishistic smut).

Porn is porn and can have unrealistic circumstances to fulfill said fantasy, such as anything from people messing around in locker rooms to tentacles.

To get a general sense of what is common in MLM sexuality, (rather than the typical feminine gaze that is seen in smut) looking at gay porn and gay porn categories is good insight. 

Bear culture, muscle culture, leather culture, etc. 

These are obviously still porn and unrealistic, however being attracted to sweat, jockstraps, and muscles is very common outside of porn. 

Bear culture is a body-positive movement that started because of the gay community's fat-phobia, age-phobia, and overall shittyness about body hair. 

Leather culture is also really big, it started because of the belief that gay men couldn’t be dominant or “masculine”, even in bed. So in America, leather culture was a way a lot of MLM embraced themselves. 

Going to pride, you will see many men wearing those leather harnesses, it doesn't indicate a preference of topping or bottoming necessarily, they're just something mlm wear and has grown quite popular in the culture, I've known some men to say it feels like a security blanket for them. 

And I think it’s very important to understand these cultures or at least be aware of them on a base level if you’re going to write gay porn. 

Also looking at erotic MLM art made by men, there is Tom of Finland, who was very historically significant, and is the most famous erotic gay artist. There is gay literature, one that openly talks about sex quite frankly is the book “We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan” which is a series of diary excerpts from a real gay trans man where you follow his life up until he died during the aids epidemic. He talks about sex with partners and discovering himself as well as what being a gay man means to him. He has a real love for sex in a way that is very unashamed and interesting to read about. We know that he wrote the latter half of his diaries with the plan of compiling them and publishing them but he passed away and people in his life carried out this wish for him. He is considered a significant part of gay and transgender history because of this, and his diaries are in LGBT museums. 

Reading gay poetry, looking at gay art, erotic, romantic, grungy, whatever, and you will find and see how they portray things differently than when it’s not portrayed by gay men usually. I mean there is a clear difference between yaoi and bara and that's the audience and authors. Some yaoi are made by MLM, (well technically their called gei comi, or gay comics in Japanese)

“Also known as ‘gei comi’ or ‘men's love,’ bara comics are by men, for men. There is a yaoi equivalent to this, and it is called ‘gachi muchi’-- it is written by women, for women.” – myanimelist.net (lol)

 but more than 90% aren't. I haven't ever heard of a non-MLM bara artist, but I'm sure there's at least one. 

Of course, I've seen things depicting MLM just together pretty realistically that didn't feel like it was written by someone who definitely wasn't MLM, but these scenes tend to be more writing in the general sense of art in the general sense rather than porn, which has a huge gap in characteristics between stuff usually written by MLM vs when it's written by women. (sorry about the binary language here)

I know some people don't like any realism in their porn, but I personally really like small details such as prep being mentioned, foreplay, even acknowledgment of the existence of condoms even if they choose to go without.

Especially as an MLM who lives in America currently, the ever-present acknowledgment and stigmatism of AIDS is around us. We think about it, even when we don't want to. An entire generation of MLM, trans people, and a lot of POC were wiped out. Not necessarily a PWP detail, but including discussion of prep, PrEP (the anti HIV medication) and/or getting tested, even for diseases besides HIV, is a small detail that I think is nice. MLM often have to have a moment when opening up a conversation about sex where HIV is mentioned, our dating apps and hook up apps have sections where you put positive, negative, non-transmissible/undetectable, or prefer not to say. The books take place in 2006 so PrEP didn't exist yet, but also the aids pandemic was happening when they were being born and as young kids, so it wasn't that long ago in society's mind. It's still illegal for many trans people and MLM to donate blood despite that the blood is screened for diseases after donation. 

Also, some realism I like is when a character isn't getting their ass ate first in the morning. Like, for me that's a huge turn-off because I think “holy fuck hygiene.” specifically with anal play I just really think even casually mentioning “washing up” or basic prep, or if you want more accuracy/details mention time between last meals or “x only ate a salad, so he would be fine”. It's like a joke in the gay community to eat chili fries or some shit on a date to indicate that either there will be no anal, or if there is you’re not going to be the one to do it, because you just fuckin ate those fries to say so. 

A cock just going in without prep and no condom is going to A) hurt very bad the body does not do that naturally and can cause injury B) get shit dick.

An also not sexy detail that is common for sex is just laying down a towel so you don’t have to wash sheets. Lube on hands? Wipe off on the towel that you’re on rn. Laying down a towel is pretty normal especially for anal. But this is if you’re going for a much more playing for accuracy sex scene. 

Honestly just writing fingering and prep and stuff like that in my opinion goes a long way and also gives the audience more to read. 

Also, sex is way more than peen in hole. Get creative, frottage, mutual masturbation, docking? Idk like thigh fucking, fucking buttcheeks but not hole, handies, blowies, anal oral, Neil doesn’t have to be the only one who gets his ass ate and things don’t have to follow formulas, in fact, they’re better when they don’t. 

Sex comes in many forms, and like I’ve definitely been with someone and he took off his shirt and I was like what, because he was skinny and clean-shaven and I didn’t expect him to have nearly as much chest hair as he did. I bet honestly Neil has a massive bush, like fuckin, massive. 

Andrew and Neil don’t have to like everything the same amount, Neil could be like “I wanna lick your armpit” and gets really off on it, Andrew is neutral but likes that Neil likes it and agrees even if it does nothing for him physically. Honestly, Neil having a sweat kink imo is pretty fitting lol. 

Try not to categorize the characters into “the bottom” and “the top”, or “the man” and “the woman”

This is something I see a lot and pay attention to how “the bottom” tends to adopt traits that are seen in straight porn that are over-exaggerated. I’m not saying it's inherently wrong to write someone as slim, but we know Neil isn't delicate, but I personally wouldn't categorize him as slim. He's a college-level athlete and is definitely muscular and defined, he has some bulk at least, he isn’t model lean for sure imo. You also often see PWP where the bottom makes a bunch of noise and the top makes none, or the top grunts and the bottom mewls, these are things I personally feel gives the bottom the role of a woman in porn. I don’t think Andreil have rough sex necessarily, but I do think when Neil does make noise, it would be because it was practically punched out of him by the feeling, and would sound more like a gasp than a kitten or whatever. There's nothing wrong with writing them both grunting, both of their voices being lower. Someone bottoming doesn’t suddenly magically not have secondary sex characteristics and stubble and body hair or a deep voice or however, they’re like everywhere else. 

When I read an over-emphasis on Neil’s slim waist and swaying hips and ass I’m like,,, okay someone please mention Andrew looking at Neil’s dick or bulge or shoulders. As an MLM, what do you find hot about men? I like stomachs and arms and shoulders, jawlines, collarbones, asses yes but like in a different way than how I like women’s asses (I’m bi lol) they are smaller and I like them muscled and squared almost. I look at veins on hands and noses and shoulders and backs, I look at a lot and I honestly don't have a type. But yeah so think about what you like, why you like it, what you might want. Or look at what others like, and why and how they want and like it.

what would Neil like, how would he feel about it? And Andrew. I kinda feel like Andrew is low-key masc 4 masc but that's just me lmaoo. Anyways, good luck writing. 

[galadrieljones]

The Walking Dead: Episode 4.12, “Still” Rewatch

So I rewatched “Still” in honor of the Stilliversary tonight. My thoughts are not related much to Team Delusional stuff, more so just thoughts and idle analysis, but I had fun and definitely did not cry.

Here we go!

Beth is already feeling it, right away, after the trunk scene, ie: what he must think of her. She’s just another “dead girl” who needs to be protected. It is both insulting and embarrassing at the same time.

Daryl misses that squirrel and breaks an arrow! Dammit, Daryl. This is just another trial, but it’s interesting in how we see Daryl in like rote provider mode, and yet he makes a mistake.

The suck-ass camp begins with some Garden of Eden imagery: While Daryl skins and cooks the snake, Beth is admiring the beauty of a ladybug crawling on a leaf. The music is actually full of wonder. Beth sees the beauty in the natural world while Daryl sees it only for what he can use. It is an essential masculine vs. feminine moment, in terms of their individual themes, and what propels them and their actions. Their masculine and feminine energies will be subverted later though, and well-complicated, because the writing is good.

Beth brings up Hershel’s death early: “He’s not exactly around anymore so...” She wants to have a drink, maybe to rebel against her father, maybe to honor his memory, maybe to seal her own fate. It is a complicated choice for Beth. It’s not just some “dumb college bitch” moment. She knows this, but how is she supposed to communicate it to Daryl?

Daryl is like an animal eating that snake while Beth tries to talk to him. Literally, out of body. I imagine being her and just like, Ugh. Gross, dude. Then, when she leaves, Beth totally expects him to come after her. When she doesn’t see him right away, she mutters, “Jerk.” She called him a jerk in season 3, too, after he takes off with Merle. I think Beth is used to being treated nicely by boys. Ofc, Daryl, while he may not be an overt gentleman in his scarfing of that disgusting snake, was there watching her the whole time. 

“You wanna spend the rest of our lives staring into a fire and eating mud snakes? Screw that. We might as well do something.”

I sort of missed this before, the mention of “the rest of our lives.” It is a small acknowledgement that they are now “stuck together.” Ofc, Beth’s idea is to “make the most of it,” to go out into and DO something! Embrace the future! Daryl sees only the here, the now, and the past. He would prefer to stay still.

Unrelated but: God, Daryl is peak hot in this episode. 

Anyway, so, the state of Pine Vista, and what happened there. Jfc. It’s very ugly and very sad. The Dogtrot seems a reference to a dogtrot house, which is an old Appalachian style home. Basically like two shacks connected via a breezeway. I see some sort of backcountry types having moved in here and tortured the rich folk. There is evidence that “fun” was had. “Rich bitch,” etc. Maybe it’s the same psychopaths who tormented the OG Terminus crew, ultimately turning them into crazy cannibals.

Beth finds the Washington D.C. spoon. Why?? It’s such an odd, pointed shot, with a slow zoom. Is that where we’ll find her? Does anybody else know anything about this?? Anyway maybe this is a TD post lol.

Beth finds that bottle of wine and it’s a shame she has to break it! I remember feeling so bad about that the first time I watched this episode. Like NO BETH YOUR BOOZE!! She uses it to stab the shit out of that walker though, and to defend herself. She’s kind of pissed at Daryl for not helping her, again used to only the kindest of attention from boys. But Daryl isn’t like other boys (lol). He was there the whole time, once again, but he let it play out, because he knew she could do it. I like that her first (almost) drink here sort of has to become a weapon instead. Nothing is ever easy! And sometimes, the environment IS best observed, not in terms of its beauty or promise, but in terms of how its use can best be served to survive.

Tempus Fugit - Time flies! Oh, yes. Yes it does lol.

Daryl and Beth both need to escape their old selves here. Beth with her pretty cloths and Daryl stealing the cash and the jewels. They need to shake that shit off. Burn it all down, if you will. I think this episode we mostly associate with Daryl changing and having his epiphany, but Beth changes, too. She is just quieter at it.

It is 3 o’clock! The grandfather clock is this interesting motif that puts pressure on the situation literally while also bringing the symbolic pressure of time passing, running out, etc. It makes us feel detached from reality, like this is a purgatory episode. I like when The Walking Dead does this, like when they take us to a new place in which we become critically aware that this thing we’re watching is fiction, and by the rules of fiction, anything (ANYTHING) can happen.

“I know you think this is stupid, and it probably is, but I don’t care.” She just is who she is. She doesn’t give a shit what he thinks. I think that attracts Daryl to her in this moment and emboldens him. I think Daryl actually really cares what other people think of him, that he is keenly self-aware in this way. We see this fear manifest as Merle in Chupacabra, ie: that the rest of the group thinks he’s a “freak,” a piece of “redneck trash,” and that they’re all “laughing behind [his] back.” Meanwhile, Beth is just like, “You probably think I’m just some dumb bitch. But guess what, Daryl? I DON’T CARE.”

Beth sitting at that bar trying to clean out glasses: “Who needs a glass?” She clutches the bottle longingly and then cries. I would argue she is thinking of Hershel and the line of questioning that arises in this moment. Should she do this? Is she betraying him? This moment also contradicts what she tells Daryl in 4.1. “I don’t cry anymore Daryl.” This is the moment that breaks him.

Beth keeps trying to make him feel normal, while they’re walking to the shine shack. She thinks he used to be a motorcycle mechanic. But Daryl’s normal is not hers, and he doesn’t really do small talk. In these little moments, we see him being who he is. Daryl is really good at being who he is when who he is revolves around passivity and silence.

They go from country club to moonshine shack. What we see is how a class divide might differ in longevity. A country club full of walkers, made out of humans who turned against each other, every bottle dry in the house vs. an empty shine shack, no death in sight, absolutely full of booze. When societal protections collapse around us, it is the ruthless and the bereft who will know how best to survive. It’s like Beth sad about Daryl, being “made for this world.” 

They are trapped! Tropes. So many romantic tropes! Lol at people who would like to ignore that any of this happened or that Bethyl was never canon.

This: 

Anyway, I think Daryl is actually pretty mean to Beth toward the end here, out on the porch, like the way he treats her, kind of tugs her around physically. He doesn’t hurt her, but he is not gentle. This puts things into harsh perspective for Beth, as I do think that, while he is not right in how he handles her here, he is right in some ways about who she is. She is not naive but she is used to protection and safety and relying on others, the same way he is used to the opposite of those things. Both of them need to learn how to exist from the other side. 

Beth also sees what’s going on, however. I think she also might be used to this sort of quasi-violent, performative, drunken behavior. Her dad was a drunk. I think it’s interesting that so much of this episode hinges on alcohol in Hershel’s wake. I always thought this might be one reason Beth is drawn to and accepting of Daryl. We only really see Hershel while sober (I mean, mostly). We never saw him in his deep element of alcoholism, but Beth did. She is not innocent to vices or men spinning out of control. It’s why Beth responds to Daryl’s whole insane story about the tweaker and Merle with, “You miss him, don’t you?” She doesn’t care that Merle was a degenerate drug addict. He was Daryl’s brother who died. She has loved and lost an addict, too.

Before, Daryl was just “drifting.” In this episode, Beth gives him a quest. I think that’s very important. She also gives him something to look forward to:

“You got away from it.”

“I didn’t.”

“You did.”

“Maybe you gotta keep on reminding me of it sometimes.”

The hint at their future: “You gotta keep on reminding me,” he says, counting on them staying together. Beth is so kind to him here, too, even doting as she talks about him being the “last man standing.” I can’t imagine a girl has ever treated Daryl like this. I think she scares the living shit out of him.

Daryl suggests they go back into the shine shack, but Beth says they should burn the place down instead. Again, stillness vs. action. See their complimentary traits: Daryl is passive. He needs someone to tell him this is okay. Beth is active. She does what she wants. It is uniquely antithetical to their gender roles and subverts the power dynamic we might otherwise expect from a relationship like this: Daryl is older and a man. Ofc he should be the more aggressive, assertive one. The actor. But he’s not. It’s Beth who makes their choices in this episode. Daryl follows her and protects her along the way. 

The ending is so happy. Oh my god. Anyway.

Thank you for humoring me. Happy Stilliversary!! 😭🥺❤️

[gryffindorkxdraws]

Want to start off by saying that I love your mind! I was hoping to get your opinion on: what is it in jackunzel that makes it feel so right?

EDIT: changed a few things ehe

ngl i found this challenging cus it made me think of how the answer would vary per person (yeah i went there idk why sdjkknds) so lemme get logical for a sec here haha

what exactly is the definition of “feel right”? 

to make someone feel relaxed and comfortable, as merriam-webster states

simple as that, right? but wait there’s more

what makes something/someone go under that category? 

now from there it expands because there are so many ways of answering that with everyone having different opinions and mindsets.

fair warning before we push on, this is going to get messy (like a word vomit) with how i’m just going to pour out everything i can think off, but just know i really like this question hence the, uh, mess? lmao

so back to your question, what is it in jackunzel that makes it feel so right?

in one POV, it could be because of how rapunzel and jack represent the sun and the moon respectively, making them two contrasting sides who shouldn’t collide and yet, against all odds and opposing forces that would come between them, they did. 

and we can bet on the fact that they fought hard/struggled for it, depending on how fanfic writers play with it (reminds of this sun/moon au that sold me to this trope lmao).

just because others said it’s impossible or it’s against whatever, why should they listen to the “norm?” what even is considered “normal,” when the two can explore so much more of what they could be missing from life after stepping out of others’ shadows?

i just love sun/moon dynamics. i’m obsessed lmao i read the ones below somewhere and idk where but it’s been living in my head rent free and i can’t escape it tho feel free to correct me about any of these symbol topic!

like the Sun, thoughtful and full of energy to share with everyone, is connected with one’s self and known to, yeah, radiate warmth or light. it also symbolizes firmness, strength and power. oh and life too i guess?

while the Moon, subtle but full of mysteries and wonders, can also get emotional and sway others to be more nurturing. cus like it also symbolizes calmness, beauty, and nurture. plus eternity and enlightenment?

the list goes on if we head into more of what it both symbolize, but when these two celestial bodies get together, masculine and feminine energies unite. the Sun gives out life, while the Moon cultivates it.

i have no idea where i’m going but moving on

maybe it’s that taste of rebellion with going against the authorities/society/rules/of what has always been set to find out who they’re meant to be or, y’know, finding their identity without the shackles of others (like jack learning he has the potential to be a guardian and embracing it in his own time, and rapunzel realizing she’s the lost princess and works hard to be a good one), 

or there’s something about the mystery that follows the other because they’ve never met anyone quite like them (like exploring a world they’ve never set foot on), 

or finding all the good and bad in each other and in their differences, but still loving the other for who they are, 

or what one lacks the other makes up for it and vice versa. with or without them realizing they can help each other grow to be a better version of themselves.

opposites attract who are bound to be full of surprises.

but on the contrary, they could also be two peas of a pod. aight this definitely goes against what i said above with all the opposites and stuff, but hear me out.

while they grew up and learned how to cope with life differently, they somehow still share the same sentiments when it comes to, for example, reaching their goals. 

they have their own way to go about it, sure, but my point is they can reach a common ground better together compared when they’re with others.

like rapunzel with the lanterns, and jack with his memories. at first, one hesitated and wavered, while the other disagreed and pulled away. it was only after they saw a chance/realized this was it that they agreed in a heartbeat

they ultimately made the choice of diving in head first regardless of their initial thoughts in the first place. kinda like the moment they realized they can be a step closer to what they’ve been yearning for their whole life 

bam, out of the way, they’re coming through lmao

not only that, but they can also be soft, gentle, understanding despite rapunzel’s spontaneuosness and jack’s mischievousness. we’ve seen them interacting with children and they’re so good at lifting their spirits up to have some fun and that there will always be a tomorrow.

and with their peers too. rapunzel lights up even the darkest of rooms, may it be like fireworks to bring joy or a campfire to warm one’s heart. jack meanwhile keeps things light when everyone else feels tense, easing others to relax and remember there’s always a way out

don’t forget the way they both sacrifice themselves for who they care for. like, they just do that, putting others first before them. that scene of saving eugene and baby tooth aaahhhhdjhdskdjkbkfjdkjf

and when everything comes crashing down and the world feels heavy on their shoulders, they both know they’re not alone with the other there for them.

maybe it’s the mutual understanding they have for each other after opening up, and finding a friend/partner/home through the connection they made together,

or they could be a push and pull that leads them to showing an unexpected side of the other, but in reality they always had it in them and all they needed was someone to show the way,

or how they complement each other, but they’re not two halves of a whole, no, rather they’re already whole themselves and they only reminded each other that they are,

or it’s simply because they don’t feel the need to put up walls or anything of the likes, because they know that no matter what they’ll be accepted for who they are.

opposites who have so much more in common than they originally thought

in another POV it could be because of how they give such partners in crime vibe. lowkey or highkey, take your pick. nothing would stop them from moving forward to a new tomorrow, or honestly whatever it is they put their minds to. 

and i am here for that

like i said in one of my posts, “They were a magnet for trouble, with the Sun being a free-spirited and vivacious fellow, and with the Moon’s knack for mischief and being a rebel without cause.” 

while both are adventurous, ready to explore whatever is out there, all the while just wanting to have some fun, they still balance each other out.

with jack usually ready to do what he needs/wants to do (which helps rapunzel to trust her gut and take the risk. that he’ll be there for her whenever she’s ready to step out of her comfort zone and jump away from her tower)

and with rapunzel knowing how to handle sticky situations properly (which reminds jack that not everything has to be done harshly and abruptly. that while freezing someone could be fun, it won’t solve things in the long run)

am i making sense? idek but you’re stuck with me lol but before i forget and i can’t believe i just remembered now. the way they can help fill in on what the other is missing 

rapunzel wants to see the world, what goes out there, with the people, society, and history i feel. and jack can take her to wherever she wants to go. hell, he’ll even surprise her and bring her to places he’d think she’ll like.

with his experiences, he’s bound to have an endless list of plans for them to go through and it’s no surprise that she’ll love it, and (him) his gesture, nonetheless

jack wants to be noticed by others, to be seen and heard for who he is. and rapunzel is such a welcoming person that she accepts him wholeheartedly. give him the love he was deprived of for years. 

reassure him that even he has a place to call home because why would he be excluded from that? he deserves it just as much as she and everyone else does

also i like to think they brainstorm ideas together

maybe it’s how they’re both game for an adventure, sudden or not, and this makes it easy for them to team up together and take on the world

or the feeling of familiarity as they click and everything flows naturally to them, where nothing is forced or uncomfortable between them

or how it’s like they can hold on to each other, knowing the other won’t let go no matter what because they’ll always have each other through the ups and downs

or it’s in their shared smiles, mischievous sparks in their eyes, moving together to the music of their synchronized heartbeats, as they step forward to the vast unknown

finding the ‘one’ who understands them inside out that they feel at home with them

i’ve said so many things and threw out so many brain rot, but what exactly is my final answer? 

it’s simple: who knows? now before you toss me aside, and i hope not lmao, lemme just say even with that kind of final verdict, you can still find beauty in it. 

you see, there’s so much more to explore and delve into with jackunzel because of their potential, that i don’t want to make a set answer for your question. i’d rather much help you, and anyone else wondering, to come to an answer yourself and maybe even share/discuss it with others.

i’m running out of brain juice, but i at least hope this helped satisfy your curiosity behind your question since this is all i can give… for now, maybe? who knows lmao 

tho i’ll be honest and admit i based these on how i feel about jackunzel. so if ever someone else out there wants to add more points they thought of, feel free to add on this

[cestlestial-beings]

like that

Summary: Three times Sam and Dean have sex: 1. Dean visits Sam at Stanford and they find out they feel the same way about each other; 2. Sam confesses to Dean that he's a man, and Dean does his best to ease Sam's worries; 3. Years into Sam's transition, Dean enjoys Sam's masculine traits.

Fandom: Supernatural Characters: FTM!Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Pairing: Sam Winchester/Dean Winchester Word Count: 4600 AO3: Link

Notes:

Thanks to @jackklineisperfect for beta reading :) Any errors you find are my own.

Pronouns are based on Dean's perception, not Sam's identity.

Part 1/Stanford Sam looks like this.

More notes on physical transition for transgender men are included in the end notes on AO3.

Full Fic:

The First Time with Her

Dean fell in love with Sam when she was sixteen. One day, it just clicked. She was beautiful.

He would never act on it. She was four years younger than him, and they were siblings.

But every time he hooked up with someone else, he thought about her.

* * *

Dean visits Sam a couple of days before her birthday, two years into her time at Stanford.

He has no idea how she’s going to take it—they’d had enough angry arguments over the phone during Sam’s first six months that they haven’t spoken to each other in more than a year, despite how much Dean has wanted to—but here he is, in front of Sam’s apartment building, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Finally the front door to the building opens, and Dean sees her.

His breath catches. She’s embraced her feminine side since she’s come to Stanford. She’s wearing a fitted t-shirt and shorts that show off her long legs instead of the too-loose hoodie and jeans of her high school days; she has a wavy, shoulder-length hairstyle and bangs instead of a choppy, done-at-home haircut; and she has just a hint of makeup on—light eyeliner and lipgloss. She looks nothing like the frumpy, tomboyish girl she’d been when Dean saw her last.

“You’ve been standing out here for two hours. Are you just gonna stand there looking like a stalker, or are you coming to come in?”

He ducks his head and jogs up the steps to the door. Right back into her sass, before even a hello.

“You look so grown up, Sammy,” he says, as she walks him up the stairs to her apartment.

Sam smiles shyly. “My friends are really insistent on helping me with my style.”

No kidding. Dean’s never seen her look so much like a girl.

She leaves the stairwell at the third floor and stops at a door about halfway down the hall, then turns to him.

“Dean, why are you here?” she finally asks.

He gives her a wavering smile. “I wanted to surprise you for your birthday, Sammy.” He knows that doesn’t answer her question, so he sighs and adds, “I know I gave you a lot of crap for leaving me and Dad behind, but…” He shrugs. “I miss you. I’ll accept your decision if it means you’ll be in my life.”

“Awwww. That’s so cute.”

“Shut up,” he says, rolling his eyes. All grown up and yet still the annoying little sibling.

And then she smiles, and it lights up her whole face. His heart melts, and he hates himself for it.

She pulls him into a hug. “I really missed you too, Dean.”

* * *

Sam introduces Dean to her roommates as “an old friend” which strikes Dean as strange, but he rolls with it. She grabs her stuff and they go out for burgers, talking about everything except what Sam left behind. The conversation is so natural, it’s almost as if the two-year gap since they last saw each other hadn’t happened at all.

Dean gives her a gift (a small stack of classic movies he knows she hasn’t seen but should) and buys her a milkshake. He sticks a candle he’d brought with him into the top of the milkshake and lights it, and Sam laughs when an employee comes over to tell them to put it out because it’s a fire hazard. As it gets dark, Sam takes Dean on a walk around the Stanford campus, pointing out certain landmarks as they go.

It’s almost ten at night when they get back to Sam’s apartment building. They stop in front of the building, and it feels like the end of a date, neither of them sure where to go from here. Something shifted in their relationship since they’d seen each other last; there was a new, unexplored dimension to it that hung heavy in the air between them.

“Where are you staying?” Sam asks him.

Dean points to the Impala, parked across the street. “That’s my room for the night.”

Sam rolls her eyes. “Come on,” she says, already headed inside.

“Won’t your roommates mind?”

“No,” she says. “They have boys over often enough, I don’t think they’ll care.” Dean feels his cheeks start to burn, and he can see Sam start to blush at the careless comparison as well. “You know what I mean!” she says, elbowing him hard in the ribs.

Sam lays a futon out on the floor for him and gives him a stack of sheets before leaving to go through her bedtime routine. He sets up, feeling nostalgic for when they shared rooms as kids. You have to sleep on the floor because you’re younger, Dean would say after setting up the bedding on the ground, and Sam would throw a fit but finally give in, and ultimately Dean would give her the bed because he felt guilty.

Dean looks around the room, running his fingers along the back of the spines of textbooks and picking up picture frames with photos of Sam and people Dean doesn’t know.

Sam finally comes back into the room, dressed in plaid pajama pants and a loose AC/DC t-shirt. She’s so gorgeous that Dean loses his breath for a moment.

“Hey,” she says, shutting the door behind her, and it’s a little awkward now, since they’re alone, awkward like it hasn’t been all night. She bites her lip and pauses like she’s going to say something. It takes her a moment but she finally says, “There’s something I feel like I should tell you.”

“Hm.” He’s completely still, waiting for what she’s going to say.

She takes a deep breath. “Part of the reason I left was to get away from you.”

It feels like a punch in the gut, and he turns away.

“No, Dean, I…” She runs a hand through her hair. “I wanted you in a way that I wasn’t supposed to, so I ran. I ran because I was guilty, and scared. I just thought you should know, before you leave again. So you can know not to come back.”

Dean’s breath stops completely as he takes in her words.

She forces a laugh. “God, it was a mistake inviting you up here tonight when—”

He cuts her off with a kiss. She’s surprised but leans into it almost immediately, the tension melting out of her body. He thought this would feel worse. He thought this would feel gross, and predatory, and wrong. But he can tell how badly she wants him, so it just feels good.

He pulls back, just a little. “I want you too,” he says. “In a way that I’m not supposed to.”

She lets out a short, giddy laugh, and pulls him back in for a kiss.

He sits down on the bed and pulls her onto his lap, their mouths never leaving each other’s. His hand slips up under her shirt to cup her breast, and he’s surprised to note she’s still wearing a snug-fitting sports bra, even in her nightwear. She leans away from him and pushes his hand down.

“You don’t want to…?” he starts to say.

“No, I do. You can touch me anywhere but there.”

He doesn’t really understand but he doesn’t mind because there’s so much more of Sam to explore. He lets his hands roam down her back, across her belly, around the firm curve of her ass. He pulls her shirt off of her and helps her slide out of her pants and she’s here, bare in front of him in just her underwear and so, so beautiful.

“Are you sure?” he whispers, and she nods, hungry. “Okay.”

He flips her over onto her back and takes a moment to pull off his own clothes. He feels self-conscious in a way he’s never been with other girls as he undresses in front of her. When his clothes are off, he crawls over to look down at her. Her eyes are sparkling and happy, the corner of her mouth just barely pulled up in a smile.

“You’re beautiful,” he breathes, and now she does smile, fully.

He presses kisses down along her body, along her collarbone and arms and stomach—careful to skip over her still-covered chest, like she asked—and he pulls down her panties, down and off (lacy pink doesn’t seem like Sam’s style, but the thought only registers in his head for a moment).

He kisses her lower stomach, and he feels her gasp lightly, goosebumps rising on her skin. He pushes her legs apart for access and slides his tongue along her folds and up to her clit. She’s wet already.

“Dean,” she moans, and the sound runs straight through him to his rapidly hardening dick. She buries a hand in his hair while his tongue swirls around her clit. She tugs his hair a little bit. “Dean, I want you inside me.”

He slides back up and kisses the corner of her mouth. “Sure, baby.”

“Condoms in the second drawer,” she says, pointing to the nightstand.

He opens the drawer and rifles through it. There’s a couple of dildos, a vibrator, several sizes of butt plugs. “Sammy, you naughty girl. Playing with yourself, huh?”

Her face is in the shadow of his body, but he can still see her blush. She slaps his arm. “Just get the condom, asshole.”

He obeys. Fishes one out, tears open the packaging, slides it on. When he looks back at her, her lips are parted just slightly, her eyes hooded with desire. Fuck, she’s beautiful. She’s everything he’s ever wanted.

He lines himself up with her hole and she uses her hand to help guide him in. He pushes in and she gasps, pressing her head back into the pillow and squeezing her eyes shut. He slides in slow, letting her adjust to his presence inside her. She’s tight and warm and it feels so good it’s almost overwhelming.

Dean stops when he’s all the way in.

She opens her eyes and meets his, bringing up her hand to rest on the side of his face. “This is pretty fucked up, huh?”

Yeah, he wants to say. There’s a part of him insistently reminding him that it’s not too late to stop, to put things back to the way they were. To make their relationship be that of siblings, not whatever the fuck this is.

But he wants this and Sam wants this and he doesn’t want her to feel like a freak for her desires, so he says, “Less fucked up than everything else about our lives,” and she laughs softly before pulling him down for another kiss.

Sam keeps him close as he rocks into her, slow and sensual, and sometimes when he hits just the right spot, she’ll moan against his lips. Their bodies move together with a familiarity that only comes from having known each other their entire lives, though they’ve never known each other like this.

She comes with a moan, and the feeling of Sam clenching around him pushes him over the edge a few seconds later.

“Fuck, Sam,” he says, the pleasure washing over him in waves.

“Dean,” she says, and, breathing hard, she takes his face in both of her hands, watching the pleasure on his face with a satisfied smile.

He pulls out and flops down next to her, lying on his side so he can watch her catch her breath.

She brushes a lock of sweaty hair out of her face and rolls to face him as well. She grins. “God, you’re hot.”

“I know,” he says, and she rolls her eyes. He leans in close and kisses her forehead, the way he’s done since she was a little kid. He thought it would feel weird, a gesture of an older sibling right after sex, but it just feels natural. Like the physical intimacy they’d just shared was simply an extension of the emotional intimacy they’ve had their entire lives.

“Hey,” she says, running her fingers along Dean’s cheek. “I don’t have class tomorrow morning.”

“So...?”

“So you can keep me up tonight,” she says, and she winks at him, an awkward wink closer to a blink, and he laughs at her attempt to be sexy. Her cheeks turn red, but she scowls at him. So cute.

“Okay, I’ll keep you up tonight,” he says, giving her a quick kiss.

And he does, but they spend more time talking than fucking, and he’s so content. He could stay here forever.

* * *

Dean doesn’t call for a year, even though he knows he should. But what is he supposed to say, after a night like that with his own sister?

Finally he works up the nerve.

It’s a short conversation.

Sam is in a committed relationship now. She’s trying harder than ever to distance herself from her past, and Dean doesn’t fit into her new life.

It shouldn’t hurt like it does. Dean is the one who’d put space between them, and she was going to move on eventually. But he still feels hollow, and he doesn’t call her again.

The First Time with Him

Sam is having a breakdown in the motel bathroom and Dean doesn’t know what to do. Dean thinks she was set off by meeting Dean’s old flame Cassie, and Dean doesn’t know how many more times he can assure Sam that Cassie isn’t the one he’s in love with anymore, that Sam is the only person he has eyes for.

“That’s not it,” Sam said, but wouldn’t elaborate any more than that.

“Come on, Sam, just talk to me,” he says, resting his head against the bathroom door. “Please.”

“Give me some space, okay?” she says again.

He sighs, but there’s not much he can do, so he goes out and gets a couple of burgers and comes back. When he enters the motel room, Sam is sitting on the bed in a huge, oversize hoodie and a loose pair of Dean’s jeans, staring at the wall. It’s almost impossible to make out any of her form beneath the clothes. She’s been dressing in super loose, baggy clothes like that more often than not lately, and Dean doesn’t understand.

“Food,” he says.

Sam begrudgingly gets up and sits down at the motel room’s table, helping herself to one of the burgers. She munches on it silently, her red, puffy eyes carefully avoiding Dean’s.

She’d been so much more masculine by the time Dean had broken into her apartment to tell her Dad was missing. Away from her feminine attire and presentation she’d had the previous time they’d met, and back to a short, boyish haircut and masculine outfits that hid her curves. Anyone would see her as a guy at first glance, and probably at second glance too. I just feel more comfortable like this, she’d said, and then it turned out her committed relationship was with a woman. Dean was shocked. Had Sam really been a butch lesbian this whole time? Was what happened between them two years before just a dream?

It didn’t make him any less drawn to her, though. She was still Sam, with her piercing green eyes and sharp intelligence and a level of empathy and kindness that seemed miraculous, given the background she came from. And she was still drawn to him too—their relationship became physical a few weeks into working with each other again.

The closer physical intimacy meant that in the past couple of weeks, Dean has been noticing that some things are seriously off. Sam wears a tight sports bra every time they fuck and refuses to take it off. She barely speaks to him when she’s on her period. Sometimes during what he considers pretty vanilla dirty talk, she shuts off for the night. He chalks it up to hormones, but he knows it’s something more, especially now that she’d had a full breakdown over whatever it is.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Dean asks, not yet starting in on his burger. He tries to keep his voice gentle and even, to coax her into talking about what’s been bothering her so much.

She sets down her food and pushes it away. She absently taps the table with her finger like she’s trying to decide whether to share what she’s thinking or not. She’s still avoiding looking at Dean, and it’s starting to piss him off that she’s barely acknowledging him.

“Sam, come on,” he says, and his voice comes out harsher than he intends. But he’s tired of her brushing it off and pushing him away when it’s not something that either of them can just ignore. “You can’t just expect me to walk on eggshells around you, hoping that I won’t set you off about something I don’t even understand. Why the hell are you upset?”

Sam shakes her head.

“Come on, man, give me something,” Dean pleads.

Sam swallows. “I’m not who I am, Dean.”

Dean furrows his brow. Sam couldn’t be any more unclear if she tried. “What the hell does that mean?”

“I’m…” She gestures down at herself. “This isn’t me. It’s not me. I’m not supposed to be like this.”

“Like what?”

“A girl.”

“I don’t get it.”

She takes a long, shaky breath. “I want—I need—to be a man.”

Dean supposes he should be more shocked by her declaration, but Dean has always seen her more as Sam than as a girl. And finding out she feels like a guy… Things just start to click.

All the times Sam had called herself Dean’s brother as a little kid, despite John and Dean’s frequent corrections. Excited chatter about how much she related to the boys in her most recent book. Complaining about not playing soccer at the same time she quit the girls’ soccer team. The complete withdrawal into herself as soon as she hit puberty.

Dean had always figured it was identity confusion because Sam had never had a female role model growing up, but that wasn’t what it was, not really.

And more recently—leaning into anything masculine while distancing herself from femininity. He remembered when a store clerk had called her “sir” the other day, and her face had brightened. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time—it seemed a lot of people mistook Sam as a guy—but it makes sense now why it would make her happy.

“Okay,” he finally says, waiting for her to elaborate.

“‘Okay’?” she asks. “What do you mean, ‘okay’?”

“I guess I don’t understand what this means, exactly.”

“It means…” She sighs, runs a hand through her hair. “I’d be different, Dean. If you were okay with me starting hormones, it would mean I would look different, and sound different, and probably feel and smell different too.”

She laid it all out for him, but he’s still not sure he understands. He has no clue what the changes would look like on Sam specifically. He focuses on the one part of the sentence he did understand. “What do you mean, if I’m okay with it?” he asks. “The Sam I know would never ask permission.”

Sam picks at a fingernail nervously. “I don’t want to lose you,” she says softly.

“You’re not going to lose me, Sam,” Dean tells her. “I’m going to stay with you, I promise.”

“No, Dean, I mean… You’re attracted to women. Just look at Cassie. She was so… And I’m so…” Sam shakes her head as she struggles to find the right words. “I’m going to change and…” Her voice starts to fade as she talks. “You’re not going to want me anymore.”

Dean has no idea what to say. He can’t see any universe where he wouldn’t want Sam. He’s silent for a long moment as he looks at Sam carefully, thinking about what she would look like as a guy. Yes, he loves her body as it is now, the soft curves and smooth skin and feminine moans he pulls from her during sex. So what would it feel like to be with her, if it was different? Stubble and broad shoulders and a dick?

He tilts his head slightly. He’s never sought out guys, never really been interested, but he’d never really been averse to it either. If Sam became a man, Dean’s pretty sure he wouldn’t mind. He would miss some things, but he wouldn’t mind. His attraction to Sam is because she’s Sam, not because she’s a woman.

Sam shifts uncomfortably, his eyes still avoiding Dean’s.

“Hey,” Dean says, and his hand snakes across the table to take Sam’s. “I’m gonna love you no matter what, okay?”

“Yeah, but not like—”

“Yes, like that,” Dean says. “I loved you the way you were when I came to see you in college. I love you the way you are now. I’ll love you no matter what changes you or your body go through, okay?”

Sam’s eyes well up with tears. “Really?” he says softly.

Dean squeezes Sam’s hand and gives him a reassuring smile. “Yeah.”

Sam sniffs. “God, I tell you I feel like a guy and then start crying like a girl.”

Dean stands up and pulls Sam up to his feet too.

“Hey,” he says, taking Sam’s face in his hands and wiping away Sam’s tears with his thumbs. “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”

Dean pulls him into a hug and holds him close while he cries himself out.

Normally they’d look for their next job at the end of a day like today, but they take the night off and talk about where Sam is going to go next. How he’ll get hormones, if he’s going to get surgery, how fast the changes will happen.

Sam gradually starts to open up about it and get more and more excited, and Dean can’t help the warm feeling deep in his core. When Sam is happy, Dean is happy too.

* * *

Dean falls asleep in Sam’s arms that night and only wakes up when the light streaming through the crack in the curtains hits his eyes.

He groans and rolls over so he’s facing Sam. He nudges Sam awake.

“Hey, handsome,” Dean says, and Sam blinks his eyes open sleepily. Sam smiles when he meets Dean’s eyes.

“Hey, gorgeous.”

Dean brushes a messy lock of hair away from Sam’s face. It falls right back into place. “Since you’re a guy now, would it be gay if we fucked?” he asks. He’s excited to try, now that he knows the feminine words to avoid and the masculine words to try out. Now that he knows what will turn Sam off and what might turn him on.

Sam rolls his eyes. “I don’t know, does that bother you?”

“Can’t knock it ’til I’ve tried it,” Dean says. “I’ve always wondered what it’s like to suck a dick.”

Sam raises his eyebrows.

Dean starts to scoot down the bed and looks up at Sam through his eyelashes. “You mind if I give it a try, stud-muffin?”

Sam bites his lip. “Hey, I’d like if you never called me that again, ever.”

“Daddy?”

“Gross, that’s so much worse.”

“Lover boy.”

“Dean.”

“Little brother?”

Sam doesn’t object to that one, so Dean takes it as a green flag. Not a traditional sexual term, but he thinks it’s kind of hot.

While Dean goes down on Sam and listens to Sam’s moans, he realizes this feels right. Sam, a guy. It’s going to take some getting used to, but it fits. Things have changed, but they’re the same; it’s a new chapter, but still the same book.

The Hundredth Time with Him

It’s a few years later, sometime between near-world-ending events, that Dean wakes up in a motel bed with his arm draped over Sam. Dean still likes being the big spoon, no matter that Sam is bigger than Dean now. When Sam started testosterone, he bulked up big time. He’s huge and all muscle, but that doesn’t stop him from snuggling up against Dean.

Dean yawns and strokes his fingers lazily through Sam’s chest hair and Sam hums sleepily. He runs his hand down Sam’s side. Gone are the feminine curves Dean loved about Sam before, smoothed out and adjusted by hormones, but Dean loves the new shape just as much. And ever since the surgery they’d only had to commit light fraud to afford, Dean’s pleased that he can touch Sam’s chest wherever he wants.

Sam rolls over and nuzzles his nose against Dean’s. Dean strokes a thumb along Sam’s jaw, the stubble prickly under the pad of his finger. Dean hadn’t expected so much facial hair growth, but he doesn’t mind it. The scent of Sam’s aftershave turns Dean on just as much as the familiar smell of her vanilla shampoo used to.

“Hey,” Dean says, pressing a light kiss to Sam’s lips. “We should get up.”

“I don’t want to,” Sam mumbles, eyes still closed. He’d been up far past Dean, finishing up on a lead for some research, so Dean doesn’t blame him for wanting to stay in bed.

“Come on. We’ve got work to do. I’ll suck your dick if you come take a shower.”

That seems to do it. Sam groans and rolls out of bed. “Fine.”

Sam is too sleepy to do much himself, but Dean takes his time lathering Sam up with soap, scrubbing him all over his body with a washcloth. Sam is so comfortable in his body now, too, in a way that he never was before. It’s a relief to be able to touch Sam anywhere without Sam turning off or pushing him away.

Dean massages shampoo into Sam’s scalp and grins at the moan it elicits from Sam.

He shuffles around so he’s in front of Sam and gets on his knees, brushing his soaked hair from his eyes. Sam looks down at him through hooded eyes and buries a hand in Dean’s hair. Dean smiles and takes Sam’s dick between his lips, lapping at the tip and water running over it. Sam’s cock is still small, but it’s grown since Sam started hormones, almost an inch and a half long now, sometimes a little more when Sam is hard.

Dean slides two fingers into Sam. He knows Sam’s body almost better than his own, so when he curls his fingers, he finds Sam’s g-spot instantly. “Mm, fuck, Dean,” Sam says, pushing his hips towards Dean.

Dean takes his time, sucking on Sam’s cock and stroking his fingers in Sam, enjoying Sam’s panting and gasps until Sam comes with a moan. Dean feels himself start to get hard as Sam’s pussy clenches around his fingers. Dean runs his tongue along Sam’s cock one more time and then stands up. He meets Sam’s lips with his own. “Worth getting up for?” he murmurs.

“It was… adequate,” Sam says, and Dean punches his shoulder while Sam laughs.

“Last time I ever do anything nice for you,” Dean grumbles.

“Aw, come on,” Sam says, and he tugs Dean in, pressing their bodies close together. Dean leans his forehead against Sam’s and lets out a contented sigh. It crosses Dean’s mind, briefly, how far they’ve come. How far Sam has come.

How everything about Sam is different, except that he’s Sam.

And Sam is all Dean wants.

[nomoregoldfish]

I Promised You The Moon rant

Just binged it and this was from the episode by episode reaction/discussion with my partner in crime @glossyboy.

First of all, Oab stole the show, singlehandedly, which he's not supposed to. I don't think anyone expected it including himself. In the very top post when I searched his name on tumblr, he said this lol

But the truth is he played one hell of "villain" that required a very nuanced performance and he delivered it in a believable and graceful manner. Jai became the catalyst of the entire season and his rather complicated relationship with Teh was the highlight of part 2.

EP 1

From the very beginning it's clear that part 2 is very much a Teh's story rather than a balanced story about two young people's journey as a couple in the next chapter of their lives. It makes me uncomfortable they made Oh-aew clingy and pessimistic without giving him any character development.

The best part is probably the opening scene where they went paper-rock-scissors to decide who's gonna buy condoms. It felt authentic, the expectation, the hesitation, the mischievous act, all fits their characters well. Other times ep 1 was more like two adult kids playing house, literally in an empty giant ass upper middle class apartment.

EP 2

It's great that they poked the femininity vs. masculinity issue through Oh-aew, but stopped right there at the surface. Missed a perfect opportunity to go head-to-head with the controversial topic, start a debate, crush the stigma of femininity, bring something new, be a real game changer of the BL genre, and most importantly give Oh-aew some concrete character development. Part 1 showed us a gay character that's very comfortable with his sexuality and femininity, that's almost revolutionary in Asia, not as a comic relief but a leading role. Oh-aew questioned his own sexual identity once in that bra wearing scene, it's straight out of comfort zone, BOLD, and transgressive. So I expected more from part 2.

That's it? And they're already sophomores? Can't believe Oh-aew's character has been marginalized like this. It's pathetic.

But I love the brutally honest conversation at the end where Teh vented his rage and despair regarding his frustration of acting. He was acting like a dick because he's disappointed, and scared. Teh again was not afraid of showing vulnerability, making the reconciliation very realistic and touching.

EP 3

Dare I say I freaking love ep 3! The unresolved (partially sexual, but not entirely) tension between Teh and Jai was over the roof! And the built-up to their kiss was very authentic, which paled Teh and Oh-aew's much sidelined storyline, including the long anticipated sex scene (still can't believe it happened right after Jai explicitly instructed Teh to do it after the two spent a whole night bonding, like wow! Totally TRANSGRESSIVE and to some extent, kinky.) Teh looked up to the senior, idolized him, wanted to be good for him and make him proud, thirsted for the validation from him, which was mixed with affections. The workshop diary was a brilliant idea to let them open up to each other and eventually bring them close. This was what a meaningful arc of a story looked like. By contrast, there isn't a single moment between Oh-aew and Teh in part 2 that made me go "Damn it's soooooo hot!"

I know Jai/Teh wasn't the endgame but I appreciate the storyline so much. It's a very bold move considering it broke the over-glorified "one true love in one's life" fantasy of its target audience, mostly young cis women. The popular narrative of "you can only love one person through your life/one true love" in romance fictions/chick flicks was totally smashed. And it wasn't written just to stir up things between Teh and Oh-aew, it wasn't a silly fling. Instead, it's meaningful, complicated, natural, and realistic, delivered by nuanced and excellent acting from two young actors. It's hilarious that fans hate Jai with a passion and call him names.

And big news, Jai is bi?! Bravo! He's radiating bi vibes since his first appearance.

I kind of gave up at this point, the season wouldn't do Oh-aew any justice. Like my partner in crime pointed out, the costume design literally threw some "incongruous female fashion pieces" on Oh-aew, made him dye his hair red, without...making any actual point of his personality or his character development. Wardrobe was supposed to make a point in storytelling. Yes, PP wearing pink is cute, and? There's nothing else for Oh-aew. Unfortunately he's reduced to this sulky, crying, and wronged partner in a failing relationship.

EP 4

Oab again was killing it. The tension between Jai and Teh...from the rehearsal in front of Oh-aew to the dressing room pep talk, was incredibly intense and hot AF.

Was it a manipulative relationship after all? Oab was so good at conveying a character with many faces. Jai's a mentor to Teh, also a good friend, their relationship was genuine. He's also ambitious with his own goals, he used, challenged, provoked Teh in a way that benefited them both. It made sense the title of part 2, I Promised You The Moon, was from Jai's script. He promised Teh what the junior wanted the most, a bright future in acting. Teh's unconventional and unspoken feelings for Jai was the best part of the entire season in terms of creative writing, it's complicated, fragile, delicate and completely heartbreaking.

The after talk in the hallway was so well-written. It's funny (Teh joking about playwrights always write about their EXs is gold), intimate yet meticulously controlled, no one lashed out or wept. Both knew what they signed up for and Jai particularly made it clear about his motive and the purpose of the "special workshop" beforehand (or right away.) Yet it's no one's fault that Teh got carried away. He's younger, he's immature, he's more into it, it's totally natural. It's so romantic when Teh's singing karaoke in the bar with Oh-aew, yet he couldn't help but desperately staring at Jai on the floor, knowing he and the man who just turned him down were never gonna happen, they were done, but he's still madly attracted to him and his talent. He fancied Jai, at least the idea of Jai, a playwright, a director, someone knew him better than himself. That hurt beautifully.

EP 5

Teh/Oh-aew endgame at this point was pretty meaningless. Oh-aew as a leading character never got any solid character development over a span of four years. What happened between Jai and Teh wasn't just "cheating", though they surely made it look that way, like Teh's empty promise of "I won't see him again after the show ends". No matter how Oh-aew and Teh eventually reconciled, there's no emotional connection, no sparkle anymore between the couple.

But I knew for a fact they had to. Otherwise it's too much of a risk financially for the series. The creators had to take the easy way out like most traditional romances—one of the most contrived and formulaic trope where the male leading character made a mistake (usually cheating) and realized he's wrong, he deeply hurt the female leading character (Oh-aew was merely a girl substitute in part 2), then he completely changed for hell knew what reasons, started doing every nicest thing in the world to try to "win" the female character back. It has been feeding the emotionally-deprived cis female readers/audience who are frustrated with heterosexual relationship irl for decades. The formula that made romance outsell other genres of fictions combined in the 60s and 70s still sells today, under the name of boys' love. It's pathetic to see Oh-aew confess to Bas that he always "lost" to Teh. Love shouldn't be some kind of game or competition, there isn't winner or loser in love. Love is spontaneous. Oh-aew didn't lose because Teh developed feelings for someone else, and he didn't win when Teh begged him for reconciliation. People change, people move on.

And as predicted, they went for it. The ending was so absurd and tedious.

Overall, Jai's probably the hardest villain to play, he needed to be REALLY GOOD to be "the bad guy", to make his role conceivable. Oab absolutely nailed it with his talent and experience. He's not even my type or extremely good looking yet I'm 100% SOLD. I immediately re-watched the scene of him kissing Teh back hungrily at the end of ep 3 like I used to re-watch Teh/Oh-aew's steamy make out session at the end of episode 3 part 1. Coincidence?

I like some parts of both seasons for the same reason, each challenged and tried to break some outdated/contrived narratives in the BL genre. Part 1 took on the sexuality taboo by showing two same sex characters sexually attracted to each other, no more "I'm not into boys, I just happened to fall for someone of the same gender" or "pure love" bullshit. By staying true to the characters' sexuality and actually showing it with explicit, intense (and beautifully shot) scenes, the gay characters were normalized. They weren't just pure and innocent, no one was. And it created two of most unconventional gay characters in Asian pop culture, Oh-aew, a beautiful boy who's very comfortable with his own sexuality and femininity, not passive at all, taking initiative to pursue what he wanted; and Teh, a sensitive, caring and vulnerable boy who cried a lot, he's confused but also sweet and brave.

Part 2 tackled the "You can only love one person through your life" trope with a very nuanced story of "cheating". Yet neither carried out what they started. Part 1 fell short of a revolutionary piece that stayed true to "adolescent sexual turmoil", dismissing bisexuality and becoming a typical unrealistic BL fantasy in the end. And Part 2, ugh, forced a "happy ending" that almost no one digs. I understand it's extremely difficult and risky to disrupt the established norms of a genre. But sometimes being transgressive and progressive could be the same thing. A story, an artwork, has to challenge something in order to create something new and compelling.

[niuniente]

Niu, sorry to ask you this, but do you know how I can reconnect with my guardian/guide?

He was almost always with me, through my late childhood until recently (I'm 22), or at least that's how long I've been aware of him. I guess it's until recently, in this pandemic things got confuse, I lost track of time and sense of reality like a lot of people, and I was either dissociating in a derealized state or over working myself in a very mechanical way, so I got no idea when it happened but now that I'm getting more conscious in life again I've just had this persistent feeling of aloneness. I'm not any more lonely than any other time, it's like I woke up in an empty room.

I don't know if he was an spirit, andl entity, an angel, a demon or whatever, it's not like I have enough experience with this kind of stuff to be able to name it, but he was good to me. (I'm using he/him because in my mother language it's common to generalize on the masculine and I've always done so and he never felt bothered by it, but I can't say if he has a gender).

I always felt him. If he got worried about me I'd feel, even if I was very confident on what I was doing. Sometimes I'd feel him getting annoyed by me in a way friends do, he would be sweet or angry or scared but he always cared. He wouldn't talk to me, but I don't believe he could, and it wasn't needed. Even when my mental health hit rock bottom and I felt so lonely, I was never alone, even when there was nothing to be done, there was always him close by.

And now I don't feel it anymore. He wouldn't be by my side all the time, but I never felt the lack of him cause there would always be a certainty of coming back. I'm bothered by this being alone thing and just worried, maybe scared. I can considere certain triggers of what may have caused it but as I say, the time for 2019-2020 and this year is so very blurry I can't even tell when he disappeared.

I tried meditating and praying and opening myself and doing some stuff, but nothing works (like, doing hypnosis only gets me asleep and heavy). I don't know what to do but I don't like this.

Sounds almost like this was a spirit guide who is still there but you have to get your own vibration back to the level it used to be OR he has given space for some other guide to come in, because you completed whatever project you had with him.

This sounds like a human spirit who is not like a high-level guide, as the spirit emotes and has feelings, like anger and sadness - which higher-spirit guides don't really feel. They can feel sorry for you but it's compassionate, parent like feeling where they understand that whatever you are going through, they can help but not take the lessons away from you. Human spirits act more humane as they remember what it's like to be a human. This is very typical in the cases where a passed loved one/friend stays close to the people left behind and acts as their helper and guide.

Sometimes random human spirits stick with us and help us but I think this could be a friend from the spirit realm, perhaps even from your recent past life, where you agreed that you'll come here but he stays on the other side.

It's common that guides, guardian angels included, get a bit distant or "disappear" at times so that you can't sense, hear or see them. It's OK. There's only a lack in the connection or you don't need as close by help as previously at that very point. They're still there, either watching if the guide has changed to someone else, or still being with you like a guardian angel who never changes but sticks with you since the moment you first time come to existence from The Source.

If you can't sense or see someone it doesn't mean they wouldn't be there. My own spirit guide Ian is always present, though I don't sense or meet him as strongly or often as I used to when I was younger. Now it's more like if I want the connection, I have to go to Ian in meditation or speak with cards.

I have started to sense and see my guardian angel again, after years he kept low profile. He has also gotten more serious and more masculine, which should mean that I have gotten also stronger and more feminine. Sometimes guardians counterbalance our energies and guardian angels especially tend to match the soul they look after.

I hope his resting bitch face doesn't mean anything bad lol :'D

You want to connect with your spirit guide again, I would recommend getting yourself oracle cards or using online decks. Please REMEMBER to ask answers from Love and Light. This prevents negative spirits for taking your call for your guide as an invitation to come in. Be patient! You should see some signs eventually but don't expect anything particular as the spirit can communicate via many means and ways. I remember one couple who had lost their son suddenly and they wanted to get a sign from their son. Surely, the father had a dream where his son came from a light door and said "Look, daddy! I'm fine! It's OK!" and went then back. But, the parents didn't believe this message because they had made their mind that unless they can physically hear or see their son, they haven't gotten any sign. So, keep your mind and senses open.

[puttingherinhistory]

“Safewords get held up as this magical talisman that will protect you from all harm, which is ridiculous and actually less safe than not having one at all.

A safeword is only as safe as the person you’re using it with. If they don’t stop when you say “Hey, my hand is going numb”, why would saying “rutabega” make a difference? There are people in the scene who will do whatever they think they can get away with, and these people do not give a shit about your safeword. There are also people who aren’t outright malicious but are kind of clueless. They’ll probably stop when you say stop, but five minutes later they’ll go back to doing what you just told them wasn’t working for you. There are also people who will tell you stupid bullshit like “A safeword is only for serious call-a-doctor medical distress”, which is complete and utter idiocy. Unless you have psychic powers, you simply cannot know whether someone really needed to use their safeword. And there are people who will pay lip-service to the idea of a safeword, but they’ll make it clear that if you’ll regret it if you ever try to use yours.

A safeword will not protect you from any of those people, but believing that it will can get you into trouble. If you believe that your safeword will save you, that everyone everywhere at every time will absolutely always listen to a safeword, you might end up taking much bigger risks than you meant to. BDSM is never risk free; the idea is to mitigate the risk or take calculated risks.  That doesn’t work so well if you’re kidding yourself about how risky a given scene is.

Safewords can be risky from the top’s side, too. Assuming that a bottom is willing and able to use their safeword may make the top feel more comfortable, but it’s just not true that everyone will call “red” when they need to. It’s not uncommon for subs to try to prove they’re tough enough to take it (I believe this is more common with male subs, but feel free to correct me in the comments), or to refuse to ask to end the scene because they don’t want to disappoint their dom. It’s also quite possible for a bottom to be flying high on endorphins and simply not know how hard that whipping really is. Ending a scene while the bottom still wants more may disappoint them, but it’s a lot better than getting a call the next morning from someone who is freaking out about how bruised they are. Finally, some people get nonverbal when they get into subspace, and may not be capable of any kind of safeword or signal.”

This article makes some interesting points. My only issue with it is how it conflates top with dominate and bottom with submissive. Kind of hate how straight kinksters have appropriated LGBT+ terminology that originally had nothing to do with BDSM or dominance or submission. Kind of like how straight shippers have appropriated top and bottom and turned them into gender roles: the sequel.

A masculine mlm or a butch wlw can be a bottom, it doesn’t mean they’re less masculine or that they’re submissive in any way, it just means they’re typically the one being penetrated and/or stimulated during sex because that’s their personal preference. A feminine mlm or wlw can be a top and it doesn’t make them dominant or masculine, it just means they prefer to penetrate or stimulate during sex more because that’s their personal preference. It has jack shit to do with personality types or gender roles or dominance or submission and there’s underlying homophobia and misogyny to insinuate it always reflects how dominant or submissive or masculine or feminine someone is.

[yikesharringrove]

Nb model Steve? Maybe Billy is a photographer who's known for his artsy and alternative photos and Steve is an up and coming model who has to deal with a lot of misgendering in the industry? But Billy is one of the first photographers who really respects their pronouns and what he's comfortable wearing

Read on Ao3

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Steve didn’t know what to expect when they got on location.

They loved being a model, felt so comfortable in front of a camera, had even gotten to do some runway work for New York Fashion Week this year.

But the issue, is that they only get work as a male model, where they’re expected to be hyper masculine and all macho.

It’s the fucking worst.

But their agent had gotten them this shoot, promised that it wouldn’t be like the last one, or the one before that, or the one before that.

They took a deep breath before entering the building.

“Hi, Steve Harrington, checking in.” The woman smiled at them, tapping on her phone.

“Great, let’s take you through to hair and makeup. Mr. Hargrove will want to speak with you before you begin.” She led Steve through to the warehouse.

Steve had never worked with Billy Hargrove before, but his name preceded him. He was known for beautiful shoots with models way beyond Steve’s recognition and caliber. Shooting campaigns for high end designers.

“So, I was never informed what campaign this is for.”

“This is for Mr. Hargrove’s personal portfolio. He chooses to freelance various projects he believes in.”

“Wait so, this is like, just for him?” She pulled Steve aside.

“He’s putting together an art book, but do not tell anyone you heard that. He’s going to announce it in a few months. Limited run, all that. You’ll be getting a share. He feels paying models is extremely important.” Steve just nodded, they’re eyes big.

“Sorry, how did I end up on this project?”

“Oh, Mr. Hargrove is a fan of your work. Asked for you by name.”

Steve was in hair and make up now, being ushered into a tall chair. The woman, probably Mr. Hargrove’s assistant, took off again.

Steve closed their eyes, figured they would be getting a light foundation, maybe some contour to sharpen their jaw, that kinda thing.

They zoned out, just let the makeup artists do their work.

“Steve Harrington. Good to meet you.” Steve opened their eyes, was met with The Billy Hargrove.

“Mr. Hargrove, it’s an honor to meet you. I’ve a very big fan of your work, especially on the most recent Dior campaign, those images were beautiful.”

“Oh, call me Billy. And I loved your work with Jonathan Byers. I think that was about three years ago, now? I’ve been trying to make arrangements to work with you since those were published.”

Steve furrowed their brows. Those pictures featured Steve in a lot of makeup, and lingerie in most of them. Billy was studying their face.

“Have you done their hair yet?” Steve’s eyes were wide.

That was the first time they hadn’t been misgendered on a job.

“No, Mr. Hargrove.”

“If you can make it look like they just have it now, I like the kinda of, wild thing that’s happening. And maybe make the gold a little bolder. I really like the look.”

Steve hadn’t washed their hair in a few days, usually the hair artists would wash it before they began anyway.

Billy smiled at them one last time before leaving again, and Steve got a look at themself in the mirror.

Their eye makeup was a pretty ballet pink, gold glitter packed onto their eyelids. Their face was contoured to look feminine, the way the did their own makeup.

When they finished with hair and makeup, they met Billy in wardrobe.

He was flicking through a rack of clothes.

“Hey! You look great.” Steve flushed.

“So, what are you comfortable in? I’m looking to explore humanity in all forms. I’m working with artists that inspire me through their realities. You’re pretty much the top of that list.”

“Wait, I’m not following.”

“Your gender identity and expression, the way you wear your body in the most authentic way possible. I’ve seen your work. Those images with Byers are so beautiful, so much moreso than anything else I’ve seen of yours. Your confidence exuded through the image more than anything I’ve ever seen. It was inspiring.”

“So, you’re gonna let me do this my way?”

“Of course. I’m showcasing you, whatever that means.” Steve nodded at him once.

They began rifling through the clothes, making a pile of things they liked, what they thought would look good with the makeup.

“And I’m pretty much comfortable with anything.” Billy raised one eyebrow.

“Nudity?”

“If you want.”

“Could that cause you any dysphoria, though?” Steve blinked at him.

“Jesus, that’s the first time I’ve ever been asked that on a shoot.” Billy’s smile slipped.

“Seriously?” Steve shrugged. “Not even with Byers?”

“Well, I mean, that doesn’t count. We’ve known each other since we were kids, and I was just getting into modelling, and him into photography, so that was kind of to build up both of our portfolios at the time. I did my own hair, makeup and costuming.” Billy raised one eyebrow.

“But apart from working with a close friend, you’ve never been asked about dysphoria.” Billy said it as a statement, like he was trying to wrap his head around the idea.

“And it’s funny, because I usually get dysphoric in menswear shoots, but most people hire me as a male model.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry, Steve.” They shrugged.

“It is what it is. Not a lot of gender noncomforming or just straight up not cis models in the mainstream. There’s a few, don’t get me wrong, but not many, and very few household names. I just figured I need to be versatile for now, and eventually, I’ll have enough of career I can start making demands. Taking up space.”

“Still, it sucks that you gotta pick and choose like that. You should be able to just, do what you want.”

“That’s easy to say, mister photographer.” Billy smiled bashfully. “Look, thank you for taking time to research me and know what I’m all about. This experience has already been a lot better than most of my other shoots.” Billy clapped them on the shoulder.

“Hey, you’re my muse. I’m just excited to be working with you. I’ll leave you to get changed, we’ve got some wardrobe assistants standing by if you need help.” He swept out of the curtained off area.

Steve decided to begin with a light blue slip dress, matching silk panties.

They had help getting into the gold chunky heels, and made a bit of a show of walking those few feet to set.

Billy was staring darkly.

“You look beautiful.” Steve grinned at him, taking a seat on the white settee.

Billy was very easy to work with.

He let Steve take some liberties, try a few things out, and would direct from there, telling Steve how to adjust their body.

Steve felt in control, felt beautiful and confident. 

Steve had taken off the slip, was posing in just the blue panties, now sitting on a windowsill, the New York skyline behind them.

Steve stood up, and dropped the little panties, kicking them away. Billy nodded, still looking behind the camera.

“Beautiful, Steve.”

They stood in nothing but the heels, had been given a piece of fabric to drape around their body, or not if they so pleased. Steve held it aloft, looking at the camera with their best bitchy I’m above you look.

Billy had them do the same with six other outfits, slowly strip out of them throughout the shoot.

The set was closed, only a handful of people in the room with them as Steve languished around.

Billy nearly lost his damn mind at an image of Steve, their back to the camera, in nothing but red pumps, sitting in a middle split on the windowsill.

“You’re a fucking genius, Stevie. Gorgeous!”

It was hours before the shoot had finished, and Steve was given a plush robe and a latte.

“Steve.” Billy jerked his head towards the table in the corner, Billy’s cameras and laptop sitting on top of it.

Billy pulled another chair up to the table, let Steve sit on the first one.

“I just want to go over the shoot with you. You can pick the shots you like the most, and we can see which ones are right for my project. I’m publishing an art book. I’m sure Miranda already told you, she tells fucking everyone.” He had loaded the images from the day onto the laptop.

They clicked through them, sitting just the two of them, everyone already having left for home.

“Oh, wow.” Billy had stopped on an image of Steve with the large piece of gauzy fabric. It was draped over their shoulder, put hung to the floor, doing nothing to cover their body. “Look at your face. This is what I was taking about. The confidence, you just exude don’t fuck with me energy. It’s beautiful.”

Billy would often do that, point out minute details in Steve’s body language or facial expressions and explain the ways they were captivating.

And it made Steve feel captivating.

“You’re really beautiful, you know that?” Steve was far too aware of how close Billy’s face was to theirs.

“I really felt it today. Thank you.”

“You are ethereal. I’m not kidding.” Billy’s eyes flicked down to their lips. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please.”

Steve sighed when Billy kissed them, just a light press of his lips to theirs.

“I’d like to see you again. Cook you dinner? Or take you out? You pick.” Steve sat back.

“Like a date?”

“Yes.”

“You wanna date me?”

“Yes.”

“Is that why you wanted to work with me?”

“I wanted to work with you because you are so beautiful it’s inspiring. I want to date you because on top of all that, you’re kind, and sweet, and driven.”

“Um, yeah, then. I’ll go on a date with you.” Billy beamed. “But I don’t put out on the first date, and just because you photographed me naked does not mean you get to fuck me anytime soon.”

“Oh, of course.” He looked serious. It made Steve melt a little.

“And I’d love it if you cooked for me.”

“Then my place. Friday. Seven o’clock. Wear something nice. I may not be able to resist photographing you.”

“Yeah, yeah, Sweet Talker. I’m allergic to bell peppers and I think mushrooms are gross, so steer clear.”

“Drat. There goes my idea for mushroom stuffed bell peppers.”

“Darn. Looks like we can’t go out, then.” Billy laughed.

“I’ll text you my address. And my house will be properly de-mushroom and bell peppered for you.” Steve smiled.

“I appreciate it.”