#not your average closeted lesbian marriage situation!!!!!

[marigoldbaker]

ice cream headache

kind of having a mini writing kick today where i write everything but what i am trying to write ❤️ anyway: more original fiction! this time ft. a couple who have not yet found the words “lesbian” or “aroace” but love each other so outrageously that they accidentally invent a qpr without knowing that that’s what this is. it’s complicated.

Caleb is not worth her parents’ notice. It’s an interesting position for him to be in. If he was the son of their cook, or of Jane’s old nanny, they’d probably have some sort of conniption about her associating with him, and if he was the son of anyone important, they’d probably be arranging some sort of complicated business partnership contingent on their kids getting married once they were of marrying age. He’s none of those things. He’s Jane’s next-door neighbor, and because they’re about the same age, their parents are both fine with Caleb spending time with Jane.

Caleb’s parents aren’t anything like Jane’s. New money. Their house is always a mess. Something about a rich relative dying, or something. Jane’s always instructed to conduct herself with comportment and decorum whenever she goes over to their house, to not forget that she’s from a long, long line of Medinas going way back to the time of something-or-other, but she doesn’t do it because they ask her to, she does it because she doesn’t know how to be anything else. She watches Caleb’s mother wander around the house in bell-bottom jeans and a tiny little beaded top with a kind of fascinated curiosity, like she’s one of those safari-hat experts on the Discovery Channel. See how the new money dresses flashy and fun? Notice the absence of full skirts, pearl necklaces, and some of the stiffest, most boring coats you’ve ever experienced.

Jane likes things stiff and boring. It’s why it’s so strange that she’s also always liked Caleb, who is neither of those things. He’s the one with the big imagination, who’s always coming up with the fun games to play, but he doesn’t do it like her awful cousins or her three younger brothers who roughhouse relentlessly and step all over each other. He’s sweet. Sensitive. He pays attention, and he always holds a hand out to help her cross the river behind his house.

Jane decides when she is six years old that she’s going to marry Caleb. She doesn’t bring it up to him immediately; she’s not sure how he’ll take it. All of her cousins talk about how gross girls are when they get lovey-dovey. She wonders if all the other girls, then, look at the boys carefully, assessing their strengths, their weaknesses, whether they’re nice or mean, before finally deciding whether or not they’re a decent marriage prospect. She knows she is going to have to get married, mostly just to ensure that she has someone else’s house to live in that isn’t with her parents, who seem perpetually annoyed by the fact that they have to remember she exists.

She doesn’t look good in the family photos. She’s just a shade too dark to pass. They put her next to her nanny in a lot of the old ones, so if you look on the wall, it looks a little like Jane and her nanny were very nicely allowed to be a part of the lovely, light-skinned Medina family. Of course Jane’s mother is a little darker, but it’s well within the range of exotic. It looks pretty on her. It doesn’t on Jane.

Caleb’s skin is darker than Jane’s, which is probably part of why his family’s not invited to all the social gatherings around the neighborhood, but his family also has such an obscene amount of money that Jane’s parents can’t say don’t hang around with that Caleb without it causing problems for them down the line. Somehow it makes Jane feel safer to be around him. He knows what it feels like when people stare at you like they’re looking through you, not because they don’t see you, but because they don’t want to see you. He knows, and he still smiles like that.

He’s the one who plays good music for Jane. He likes R&B and disco and all kinds of things that aren’t just the same piece of classical music, over and over, played clunkily on the piano by one of Jane’s brothers. His parents bought him a guitar, but he’s got a hand tremor—he doesn’t explain to Jane how it happened for a very long time—so he can’t really play it very well.

He can sing, though. Oh, can he sing. Jane can sing okay, but the first time she starts playing and Caleb starts singing, she stops and curls over the guitar, and when he stops, worried, she says all wobbly that she just can’t believe he can sing like that. Almost crying. Jane literally never cries, but hearing him sing like that…

It’s not jealousy. Not exactly. The emotion that rises up in her when she looks at him is what makes him sure he’s the person she has to marry. 

Which is what leads them to now.

They’re sitting on the beautiful rope swing in the Medinas’ rose garden. Jane is wearing one of many dresses that she absolutely hates. Her mother’s one for muted pastels, which really don’t engender the sort of terror and reverence that Jane wants to embody. Her mother also wants Jane to wear her hair down and long, with that gentle Disney princess wave to it that you can only capture if you’re a cartoon character. Jane is, unfortunately for everyone, a flesh-and-blood person, and she’s already managed to get mud on her satin heels and the hem of her dress.

Caleb is wearing a T-shirt and jeans. Jane is outrageously jealous.

She’s watched a lot of romance movies with the friends she’s made at school. It’s one of those things you check neatly off your checklist to appease your ever-expectant parents, the watchful eyes of high society: make charismatic and beautiful female friends, check. Maude especially classifies as both of those things, with soft golden hair and large blue eyes like an actual Disney princess, and a sort of gentle grace that would make any man want to scoop her up and protect her from harm. Jane’s told her as much before, and it always makes Maude blush red, and—

Romance movies! That’s what she was thinking about. She’s watched a lot of romance movies, and in those romance movies, when you’re a teenage girl in a pretty dress sitting with an ill-dressed boy on a garden swing, something usually happens. Depending on the sub-genre and the temperament of the boy in question, it may be up to the girl, or, in some cases, up to the horrifying lake monster that appears out of nowhere to kill one or both of them (usually a couple on a rose-woven swing is the first to go in a movie like that). 

Jane doesn’t exactly feel that clawing impatience that always seems to characterize these pretty, polished movie girls. There’s no sense of urgency. Often she wonders if there’s something wrong with her, something missing inside, that she is so…it isn’t that she’s satisfied with her life, exactly, it’s that she’s looked at all the data available to her and sees no reason to be dissatisfied with it. This makes sense.

Yet she doesn’t know how to broach the subject with Caleb. She talks to him about everything, but this feels…potentially complicated. Fraught with potential for misunderstanding. It’s not that she’s in love with him, or that she’s aflame with burning desire for him, or that she’ll absolutely die if he doesn’t marry her, it’s more that she thinks it will make sense if they do get married, because they’ll be able to play music they like, together, and maybe go somewhere that isn’t here and start a music store. She’s not sure how to explain that to him. No one in movies is as fundamentally unromantic as Jane Medina.

Caleb’s watching her with a fond expression that probably does have a place in a rom-com. He tugs gently at her hair.

Jane ducks her head down and stares at her hands.

This is the frustrating thing about Caleb, and also the reason why she actually very much does want to marry him: he doesn’t press you to talk in the way that most people do. Jane’s parents question like private investigators when they want her to talk about something, to the point where she’s gotten good at firing off quick, sharp, precise answers that get them off her case.

Caleb, though…what is there to fight when you don’t have anything to fight against? He’s waiting for her to speak, and whatever it is, it’s going to be enough for him.

Jane could start by saying I love you, but those aren’t words she says easily or lightly. She could start by saying let’s get married, but they’re fifteen, and there’s a flippancy to the statement that she doesn’t like. 

“Do you ever think about our future?” she asks.

Caleb blinks a few times and he seems to consider the question. “Honestly?” he says. “I just figured we’d get married.”

Something unspools in Jane’s chest: sunshine relief. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You know I don’t—I’m not—” She doesn’t know how to explain it. The thought of kissing him turns her stomach.

“Yeah.” Caleb squeezes her shoulder. “You’re my best friend, though.”

“...Yeah,” says Jane. She actually does look up at him, then. Nothing about his face has changed. “And you’d be okay? With that?”

“I actually don’t know if I’m the one you should be asking that question.”

Jane blinks. “What?”

“Well, I think your comprehensive future plans involve kids,” says Caleb, “so logistically speaking, we’d kind of—” He cringes a little, “have to—”

“Yeah,” says Jane, for the third time, starting to actually giggle with hysterical relief, “for the kids! I mean, that’s how it works, right?”

“For the kids, and to get your parents off your case.”

“Oh my god. Can you even imagine what they’d say if I don’t get married and get out of their family pictures?”

“Maybe—okay. We get married, you have a couple of kids, we start our music store, you get to actually go to college.”

“You’re not serious.”

“I mean, the way my dad keeps dicking around, I feel like soon enough I’m going to inherit enough money to pay for college for you, and your parents can’t say anything about it if you’re my wife. So.”

“Caleb, don’t joke about that,” says Jane immediately.

Caleb takes this in, his smile trembling for a minute. Then he says, “Well, it’s kind of a bummer if I say I hope I’m going to inherit my dad’s money, right?”

“It’s all a bummer,” says Jane. She settles into his side. “Should we try kissing or something?”

“If we’re getting married, we’ll have time later, right?” says Caleb uncomfortably.

That’s love, Jane thinks. The realization stings, but pleasantly, like an ice cream headache—the sweetness still lingering on her tongue. What she wants and what Caleb wants, the unspoken strangeness, the not-quite-rightness, are in perfect alignment. She doesn’t know what it is about her that needs fixing, but he has something in him that isn’t quite right either. He knows how that awkward isolation feels—knowing that, by any and every metric, he’s the world’s most kissable boy, and yet she is completely bereft of any desire to kiss him. Here she is, his world’s most kissable girl, dressed in beautiful pink satin and scratchy petticoats and far too expensive heels, and he is completely bereft of any desire to kiss her.

On impulse, Jane asks, “Can I kiss you?”

Caleb grins a little, like he thinks it’s funny, and says, “Yeah. Okay.”

She leans in and presses her lips to his. It’s wet and utterly pointless. She pulls back, and he’s smiling, and he says, “That was terrible,” and she starts laughing and laughing and throws herself into his arms and the swing breaks, and then it’s just them in the mud.

She decides she’s going to name their daughter Freddie. No one can stop her.

[the-one-where-casey-watches-tv]

Queer Eye episode 1.05 "Camp Rules"

When I first got into TV, I was pretty aggressively against anything considered reality TV. I wanted TV shows to ‘elevate the medium’ and be ‘a different kind of art that people put in their living rooms’. I still want that, as obnoxious as it sounds, but I’ve expanded my horizons and learned that reality TV isn’t necessarily the antithesis to those things. As I rewatch The Newsroom, I’m realizing Aaron Sorkin probably got in my head about that, but I bet he hasn’t seen Queer Eye.

I’m still working my way through this show- the 7 season Netflix series that’s currently available, not the OG Queer Eye for the Straight Guy- but so far, every single episode has gotten me choked up, if not fully crying. There’s no other way to put it, it’s just a really wonderful thing that they’re doing. The genuine love, care, and empathy these five gay guys bring to all these rural southern homes is, as they say, “more than a makeover”.

Jonathan Van Ness and Bobby Camp in "Camp Rules". Image courtesy of IMDb.

In the kinds of reality TV that made me write off reality TV, the heavy-handed manufacturing by producers and editors is blatant, but the Fab 5 (Antoni, Karamo, Jonathan, Tan, and Bobby) have rang genuine and true in every episode. I really see how what they do for these people can have a huge impact. In other messy-life home makeover shows like Hoarders and Clean House, the frustratingly obvious missing piece is what will keep these people from returning to their old ways the second the camera crew packs up and leaves.

Queer Eye meets people where they’re at, and their mission is to give people the tools to be their best selves for themselves. It’s not about looking hot; it’s about putting effort into yourself. It’s not about having a clean house; it’s about having a functional and peaceful space for yourself and your family. And ultimately, it’s about doing the soul searching into why you haven’t been doing that all along.

As a gay girl from the south, it is really just a warm spoonful of honey to watch these guys strut all around Georgia and Missouri and beyond, leaving people better than they found them, spreading love and being loved back. The show doesn’t water down the undeniable conflicting politics between who they are and where they are; it transcends them. There’s an episode where Bobby initially refuses to step into a church, and throughout the show we learn a lot about the religious trauma he experienced- going to church every day until being kicked out of his adoptive parents’ house as a teen. By the end of that episode, Bobby will have worked his magic and transformed the church community center into a beautiful local hub. Later, the Fab 5 help a young Black lesbian in very similar circumstances learn to trust her found family and thrive as who she is.

Those episodes are so important because this is simply the reality for so many minorities in the south. But just as important as thoroughly acknowledging this is moving forward, learning that what you’ve experienced isn’t all you will experience and the way you’ve been treated isn’t how you will always be treated. If you’re a regular reader, you know I love to talk about religion on TV, and the structure of Queer Eye makes it pretty unavoidable. One of my favorite episodes that I’ve seen so far is one that brings that topic out in the open with nothing but love and acceptance.

In “Camp Rules”, the Fab 5 visit Bobby Camp, a father of six working two jobs with less than two hours unaccounted for in his average 24-hour day. He and his wife are madly in love, but he dropped the ball on their wedding, and their home life hasn’t reached a peaceful place since starting their marriage on the wrong foot. The Fab 5 aren’t afraid to make executive decisions, immediately raiding the closet, bathroom, and kitchen, assessing the situation and throwing things away- but they do it with love, in the best interest of that specific person. When someone needs a kick in the ass, they’ll give them one, but what Camp needs is a break and a fresh start (since we’ve also got Bobby Berk of the Fab 5, I’ll call him Camp).

Tan France and Bobby Camp in "Camp Rules". Image courtesy of The Hot Corn.

The house is a trainwreck- it’s tiny and 8 people live there- but Bobby quickly recognizes a lack of discipline in the children as the culprit. With this in mind, Bobby designs a top to bottom renovation focused on organization, peacefulness, and functionality. He puts floor-to-ceiling shelves in the living room, with lower shelves dedicated to the kids, and the rest being used as adult space. He creates a chore board, with a section for each kid and magnets with chores that can be assigned and moved around when completed. Jonathan chips into the bathroom transformation, building toiletry kits for all six kids that are meant to live in the kids’ rooms, so Camp and his wife can get the most out of the shared space.

Meanwhile, Tan, Jonathan, and Antoni take Camp and his little girls to Target. This is the only time I’ve seen them go to Target so far on the show, another indicator of the way they tailor their experience to who they’re with. While it’s appropriate in other circumstances, it would have been tone deaf here to suggest that Camp ‘treat himself’ and ‘just spend time on himself’ when he doesn’t have the time or money to do so. They buy clothes, hair products, and groceries all in the same place and the Camps learn how they can maintain this new lifestyle in a way that’s affordable and quick.

Karamo, the culture specialist of the group, sits down with Camp and learns about the missteps at his wedding- among other things, their photographer flaked, and they have no pictures from the day. The episode always ends with some kind of event where people can show off their new selves; in this case, Karamo hears how much Camp wants to do something for his wife and organizes a fresh start wedding reception where Camp can surprise his wife and celebrate their love with everyone that they want to share it with.

All of that is so sweet (his wife loves it), but the thing I love most about this episode is a conversation Camp has with Bobby. Camp mentions that he’s not concerned about losing anything in the house except for his dining room table, which is made from the pews of the church he grew up in. Bobby has already begun respectfully honoring this request before he gets the chance to talk to him about it, but when he has some alone time with Camp, he asks him what his thoughts on homosexuality are.

Bobby Berk and Bobby Camp in "Camp Rules". Image courtesy of The Hot Corn.

Camp gives a great answer. He says religion is a personal thing because he got to a point with the church where he “only saw the rules, and none of the love”. He tells Bobby that he has nothing but acceptance for the gays and he’s so grateful for what the Fab 5 are doing for him. Before the crew leaves Camp to his wedding reception, he tells the Fab 5 that he wishes they didn’t have to go, that they are absolutely loved and welcome in his home. They all say they love him too and he cries, they cry, I cry, it’s a very nice moment.

I honestly think what this show is doing is huge. Seeing these people shake hands, truly embrace each other, and then go back into their communities talking about the amazing people they just met has so much power. I really believe that accepting people who are different from you, learning from them, teaching them, and becoming a community in the process, is the way we move forward with love in this world.

[bubblemoon66]

Eliza & Vengeous Headcanons:

Both Eliza Scorn and Baron Vengeous are gay. Eliza is a lipstick lesbian who only flirts with men when her espionage missions require her to. During the war, she was in an intense open relationship with China Sorrows, where they both agreed that they can flirt/sleep with anyone they want to as long as it's not serious/they don't fall in love. Vengeous was a semi-closeted bear, who had an on-again-off-again relationship with Nefarian Serpine.

Eliza and Vengeous meet through the church. China introduces them (she’s known Vengeous since childhood, their families go way back).  They’re cautious of each other at first but cordial enough. Vengeous has a well-deserved reputation as a formidable fighter and a man not to cross, but he’s also known for being honest and reliable with a strong sense of honour. Eliza’s wary of him because he could literally kill her with a glare and he’s not easy to manipulate. But once she gets past that, she starts seeing him as a bit of a stick-in-the-mud. He’s a rule-follower and too serious for her liking. Vengeous’ first impression of Eliza is that she’s a scheming untrustworthy harlot. She’s young and a newcomer to the church and Vengeous is old-money so he’s not impressed, but he also knows China wouldn't just take anyone under her wing so there’s a bit of wariness there too. He’s also not keen on her because he doesn’t appreciate having his emotions being toyed with and that’s exactly what Eliza’s chosen discipline does (although, I HC that China and Eliza’s discipline doesn’t affect people’s sexual orientation: so Vengeous is only platonically attracted to them) but he puts up with China so he can put up with her.

So anyway, they’re nodding acquaintances for a while. They’ve got too many holdups to attempt friendship but they’re also got no reason to fight so they just kind of passively interact. Then China forms the Diablerie and they start seeing more of each other. They’re still wary of each other but as they get to know each other they start to appreciate how useful the other is to have around. Eliza appreciates that Vengeous is dependable which is a nice change from the rest of the people she works with. And as much as Vengeous dislikes espionage and the like, he has to admit that what Eliza does is very useful to the Diablerie, the church and Mevolent’s forces as a whole. After a few life and death situations, mutual appreciation starts to turn to friendship. Vengeous realises Eliza is more devoted to the Faceless Ones than he gave her credit for (he assumed she only joined the church because of China) and devotion counts for a lot in his books. And Eliza finds it refreshing to spend time with a man who isn’t trying to get under her skirts. Also, her discipline means she gets along with most people when she wants to... so that probably helped their blossoming friendship.

One day, early on in their friendship, Eliza makes some remark about Serpine and Vengeous’ relationship (she's known about it a while, she’s good at reading people) and Vengeous is furious. He doesn’t want anyone else knowing about their relationship. He’s got some internalised homophobia from his upbringing and he doesn’t want his position in the church affected (it’s the 17th century and even the magic community has some homophobia). Eliza swears she won’t tell anyone (although admits China already knows) but Vengeous doesn’t believe her, she sells secrets for a living after all. Then she says she doesn’t care if he likes men because she likes women and she’s not a hypocrite. Vengeous does believe her this time because her and China’s relationship is an open secret and she's talking with the same sincerity she uses when she's talking about the Faceless Ones. Their friendship briefly regresses back to that wary tolerance stage but recovers when Vengeous realises that he doesn’t have to hide his relationship around Eliza (and China) if they already know - which for someone who values honesty and straightforwardness is appealing.

After Vengeous has gotten a bit more comfortable with his sexuality, he and Eliza grow closer. They bond over how dramatic and ridiculous and reckless and stupid their loves are (”China’s moping because her ex-boyfriend got married.” / “Serpine’s back with Mevolent - again”). And end up having competitions like who can score in Mevolent’s bedroom (Vengeous) and who can get Vile to take off his mask first (Neither). Eliza quickly realises she was wrong about Vengeous being a stick-in-the-mud. He may follow the rules but he likes wagers and is competitive as hell.

That lasts until China betrays the Diablerie and Mevolent. Eliza is never as much fun after that. But it’s Vengeous she turns to when she’s upset. He tries to console her. He’s not any good at it but he cares enough to try.

This is also true in the Leibniz Universe, up until when Mevolent opens the portal to The Faceless One’s dimension. Then we have Eliza losing her mind and Serpine turning traitor, which changes things...  Vengeous is hurt by Serpine’s betrayal. He lashes out, vows revenge, etc, etc. His only focus is on dragging Serpine back to the palace in chains. Eliza’s a screaming mess and it’s a couple of years before she can string a coherent sentence together.

Time passes and they slowly start to pull themselves together. Vengeous is still furious and Eliza’s still insane, but things are going back to normal (or as normal as they’re ever going to get). Vengeous lets go of just enough of his anger to take real notice of what happening with Eliza for the first time in a long time. And his lingering affection for her kicks in. She’s clearly unable to look after herself and Vengeous doesn’t trust anyone else to look after her. So he asks her to marry him. It’s basically a socially acceptable way of making sure his friend is cared for and provided for. And with Serpine gone Eliza probably is his closest friend, even if she’s not the Eliza he used to know. There’s probably also a bit of extra compassion there because Vengeous knows Eliza knows what it’s like to be betrayed by a lover. He remembers she went through the same things when China left, and sometimes she remembers that too.

Although the proposal was mostly made out of concern for Eliza’s well being, it’s also politically advantageous for them both. Eliza still holds a lot of sway in court (she’s the head of the cathedral and practically a martyr in a theocracy, of course, she still holds some sway). And Vengeous gets to take over her network of informants (she’s not really interested or capable of running them after the FO incident). In return, Eliza gets to exert some influence over the city guard and the military - not as much as she would if she was sane, but she’s got a lot more power than your average mage-citizen.  

And there’s the added bonus for Vengeous of stopping Serafina’s handmaidens from seeing him as a potential marriage partner. It’s only a small advantage, but not having to deal with social climbing court ladies pleases Vengeous (it also leaves Vile as the palace’s most eligible bachelor, and watching all their affections shift to him is pretty amusing).

Anyway, Eliza accepts Vengeous’s proposal. Wedding planning starts. It’s a big public affair on Mevolent’s request. A high society wedding is a good distraction for the people from the double blow of failing to bring back the Faceless Ones and Serpine’s betrayal. And having one of your highest ranking military officers marrying a religious martyr is good for moral and suggests they’re ready for a more peaceful era.

Vengeous and Eliza’s marriage is a happy one for the most part. There’s never any romantic or sexual attraction between them, but they are devoted to one another and grow to love each other dearly in their own way.

[muslims-and-exmuslims]

Ex-Muslim and Gay: Key questions to consider before coming out

Who should read this: Ex-Muslims identifying as gay or lesbian (or any member of the LGBT+ community) living in predominantly Islamic communities (e.g. this can be living in East London, Bradford or Bahrain)

If you are an Ex-Muslim who also identifies as a gay, lesbian or any member of the LGBT+ community, coming out to your family would be an unique situation compared to an average LGBT+ individual living in, lets say, Europe, who belongs to a different religion. In this article, we focus on if you should come out as a gay/lesbian first and withhold information that you are an Ex-Muslim too. This is because combining guidance on coming out both gay and Ex-Muslim is a longer article which is in the working phase. Watch out for in the next couple of weeks :) 

Key questions to ask before you consider coming out to your family or friends:

Do you live in a country where it’s illegal to be gay/lesbian?

Is your local neighborhood significantly religious, e.g. imposes strict codes against free mixing of genders, and condemns young men and women (men and men, women and women) holding hands in public places?

Does your trusted friend circle/cousins use words such as ‘gay’, ‘faggot’ frequently as slangs, as well as express insulting views towards homosexuality or marriage equality?

Did your close friend circle/family ever shared videos of homophobic imams/preachers on Whatsapp, Facebook etc. invoking violence against homosexual individuals or justifying killing anyone who is gay?

Do you come across a lot of news in your local newspaper of gays/lesbians being persecuted, bullied or killed even if your country does not mandate punishing homosexuality?

Even if your family is ‘moderate’ in your perception, do they react with frustration when news of Western countries legalising marriage equality pops up in the TV or internet?

Even if your family is ‘moderate’, do they ever express dismissive views towards ideas such as secularism, liberalism, humanism, evolution, mixed gender schooling system etc.?

Did anyone already come out as gay/lesbian in your family or local neighbourhood and were subject to discrimination, isolation, disinheritance or even physical violence as a result?

If the answer to all these questions is YES, then it will be dangerous for you to confess to anyone within your social circle that you are gay or lesbian. So if you are thinking about coming out to that best friend you trust with your life, or anyone no matter how much you love them, our advice is that you do not do so without preparing for emergency.

Living in the closet will be one of the most painful things you will experience. It will hurt your mental health. You will be prone to depression, self-harm or worse even suicide. But if you come out in a country or a society where vast majority of people believes homosexuals should be thrown from a roof, made homeless, isolated or disinherited, you will be in a much worse situation. You will be susceptible to depression, thoughts of self-harm will catch you twice as faster and you don’t need to go to the length of considering suicide because a homophobic society will claim your life one way or another. Yes, this sounds harsh. But if we say only nice words and paint a rosy picture of what lies ahead of you if you confess to be a gay or lesbian, then we will be giving you false promise and the misleading information may put your life in danger.

You should understand that no matter how bad it gets staying in the closet, leaving the closet unprepared into a homophobic (and violent) society will be much more dangerous for you.

Guarding yourself against unforeseen danger while socialising

Being surrounded by adversity does not mean you cannot enjoy life and confidently live for yourself, think for yourself. With some precaution for your personal safety to guard yourself against unforeseen harm, you should go out and meet people. Even if you understand that your community will treat you badly after you come out as gay or lesbian, be compassionate to them. It is a sign of a good leader and a good human being to be a participant in the social activities going around them, meeting people, being conscious of the social and political issues affecting them – such as the pre-existing discriminatory attitude towards homosexuals that you are experiencing and perhaps so does other closet gays and lesbians in your community.

There are a number of online communities where you can remain anonymous and meet other closet and non-closet members of the LGBT+ community. Before you sign up on internet forums and social media, make sure you have taken the steps to protect yourself online so that it is difficult for hackers, cyber-jihadists or your country (that criminalises LGBT+ members) to track your location and arrest you.

Do some research to read blogs about the experience of other Muslims and Ex-Muslims who identify as members of LGBT+ community. Reading about other LGBT+ Ex-Muslims’ experience will help you shape your safety plan as some of the accounts tell a difficult story and you should try to avoid them.

Reddit has a large community of Ex-Muslims. You can consider joining it anonymously. Most members are anonymous, friendly and offer very good advice.

Empty closet is a popular LGBT+ forum where you can also meet people (staying anonymous yourself), discuss idea and ask for support.

If you feel lonely, remember both Reddit Ex-Muslims and Empty Closet would be a good place for you to meet like-minded people. You can talk to them, make friends without revealing your real identity and your location.

Taking care of your mental health

LGBT+ members, especially vulnerable individuals living in countries with worst human rights records, are no stranger to depression, self-harm and the baggage of mental health issues they have to experience as a result of living in a homophobic community that demonises them and do not understand their needs.

If you are unable to go out to get help, following are some online sources that can help you understand your mental health and take care of it. A strong mental health is foremost. A mind that does not bend to fear and self-hate can conquer the world. Useful links with further information to take care of your mental health:How to look after your mental health:

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/how-to-mental-health

Elefriend

– an online peer group to talk about mental health (remember to be anonymous if you don’t feel safe to reveal your identity):

https://www.elefriends.org.uk/

Calm

– an online tool that reduces anxiety:

https://www.calm.com/

This article is not a comprehensive source of information for LBGT+ Ex-Muslims. However, as we are a new information hub, more content will be added gradually once we have the capacity to do so. For now, if you have specific question, please be anonymous and write us here: http://www.emexs.org/ask

Remember to look after yourself and be proud of who you are, just like we are proud of you ❤️🌈

[missmeikakuna]

(GL/Yuri) Shoujo Heroine... and Friends Chapter 17

Kunie and Masami discuss what happened to Kunie. Please comment your thoughts and like this chapter if you, well, like it.

Rated: T

Fandom: Original story

Relationship type: F/F with some F/M

Description:

Sahana is friendly, innocent and optimistic, making her the perfect shoujo anime heroine… except she’s not the main character of this story.

When school prince Toyomi asks her out, she starts hanging out with him and leaves her friends behind. Prim and proper Masami and tomboyish slob Kunie don’t seem to have much in common outside of their friendship with Sahana, but they try to make the best out of a lonely situation.

So why is the god of love and marriage watching them, red string of fate at the ready? CONTENT WARNING: Some homophobic language and bullying.

Chapter 17: You have no idea what it’s like!

When Kunie returned to school the following day, she saw black writing all over her desk.

Dyke

Just crawl into a hole

Call Kunie at (555)-555-5555 if you want hot lesbian sex

Dooru laughed. ‘Wow, someone’s popular.’ Kunie glared at her. ‘What? I didn’t write that stuff. Much too vulgar. Plus, I doubt sex with you would be any good, even if I was a lesbian.’ Snorting mixed in the laughter. ‘Oh my god, could you imagine? Who’d want to sleep with another girl?’ She smirked at Kunie. ‘Oh, right.’

At lunch, Kunie decided to eat alone by the steps. On the way, she passed a male student she didn’t know. Apparently he knew her.

‘Hey, what’s scissoring?’

‘Huh?’

‘I mean, you’re the expert, right?’

‘What’s that supposed to…’ Realisation dawned on her. ‘Okay, fuck off.’

The boy snickered and went on his way. Kunie groaned and rubbed her temple as she sat down with her bento box. At least her mother included teriyaki chicken. 

She found herself wondering what ingredients Masami would add to chicken to transform it into one of her unholy abominations. Once the thought entered her brain, she shook her head to shake away any memories of that girl.

People whispered as they walked past her, thinking she couldn’t hear. ‘Who’s the mystery girl? That teacher said she liked a girl, right?’

‘None of my business. Still, kinda trippy, right? Never thought there’d be one of those people at this school.’

‘Oh, I saw a girl give her a love letter. Maybe they’re an item.’

Kunie twisted her upper body towards the gossipers and scowled at them. ‘Go bother that girl instead of me.’

She tore the chicken into smaller pieces with her teeth, not caring about the teriyaki sauce spreading onto her face. Something wasn’t adding up. She wasn’t the only lesbian at the school, so why was she getting all the attention? What about the girls who liked sending her love letters?

She stood up and began searching each classroom for one of the girls who had a crush on her, leaving her bento box on the floor. It didn’t take long for her to find one of those girls.

If there was one word to describe the girl, it would be ‘nondescript’. Average height, medium-length black hair and proportional facial features with no parts that stood out.

‘Hey, can I talk to you for a moment, uh...?’

The girl’s smile dropped. ‘Kuri Satou.’ However, she still followed Kunie outside of the classroom.

‘So, um, what’s it like, you know, liking girls?’ Kunie asked. ‘Has anyone given you crap for it?’

‘Oh, my class generally doesn’t care. Some of the girls in the art club…’

Kunie put her hand on Kuri’s shoulders. ‘What do the girls in the art club do?’ Her voice sounded a little harsher and more desperate than she had hoped.

‘Just, you know, comment about how they bet I can’t wait to start drawing naked portraits. Sometimes they also put fake love letters in my shoe locker. I don’t pay attention to those anymore, though. Fool me twice and all that.’

‘Wait a minute, fake love letters?’

‘Yeah. But my one to you was real. They send the fake ones to any girl they suspect is a lesbian, even if they actually aren’t. I think they just like to humiliate people. To be honest with you, I thought you were one of the people they got wrong, since you never, you know, responded to my letter.’

‘Oh my god, I am so sorry. I just didn’t know how to react. I don’t really know you well enough to be able to return your feelings, but I appreciate you for writing that letter. Probably took a lot of courage.’

Kuri looked down. ‘Yeah, it’s all good. If you want someone to talk to about your struggles, I can lend an ear.’

‘So, um, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but what got you interested in me? We don’t exactly know each other.’

As Kuri continued her answer, her face got redder and redder. ‘Oh, well, I would walk past you every once in a while and notice how pretty you looked. Then I saw you defending one of your friends one day, which was when I heard your name. You exuded confidence and I was super drawn to that. Um, thanks for talking with me, even if you don’t feel the same way about me.’

‘You’re welcome. Good luck with dealing with the art club girls. See you around.’

With that, Kunie returned to her empty bento box and brought it back to her desk. She then decided to stroll through the school. She was tempted to stop by the art club room and trash the place but remembered a key detail in Kuri’s words. Some of the art club girls.

However, she managed to spot a girl who may have been in the club. Or rather, the girl spotted her.

‘Hey, it’s the dyke! I knew I was right about you. Thanks for helping me win a bet.’ Kunie turned around and power-walked away from her. ‘Hey, where are you going? I thought you liked getting girls’ attention. By the way, what got you to hate men?’

‘Leave me alone or I swear I will hang you by your eyelashes over a pit of fire!’

‘Wow, no need to be so angry. I guess that’s supposed to be expected, though.’ After giving her a smirk, the girl eventually did leave Kunie alone.

Kunie realised that her classroom, despite containing Dooru’s Dooru-ness, was the safest place to be for now. She sunk into her chair.

Masami tiptoed towards her. Great. She had to be there. ‘Could we maybe be able to talk?’ Kunie turned her head away. ‘I want to apologise and tell you something.’ A shake of the head from our incredibly mature Kunie. ‘Come on. Please? I won’t bother you again. It’s just kind of important.’

With a big sigh, Kunie stood up and followed Masami outside the school building. They walked to the athletics track. While Kunie dropped on to the grass with no care as to how she looked, Masami sat down as gracefully and cautiously as a fairytale princess with a fear of germs.

Kunie grumbled, ‘What is it?’

‘I’m really sorry. For two things. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with you the other day. You may have started it, but I should have finished it.’ Kunie opened her mouth to argue, but Masami’s sudden hand on hers shut her mouth. ‘I’m also sorry that you have to go through all this. You don’t deserve it. I know what it’s like to be-’

Kunie pulled out strands of grass from the ground. ‘No, shut up right now. Whatever it is, you don’t know.’

‘How can you be so sure-’

‘You have no idea what it’s like!’ Those little pieces of grass became huge clumps. ‘You don’t know what it’s like to have everybody at school take your personal life and make it their business. You don’t know how it feels to become the school laughing stock. You don’t know what it’s like to receive comment after comment after fucking comment about your sex life. You know why? ‘Cause you’re nice and safe in your little closet.’

‘Closet? How did you...’

‘Come on, Masami. We both know you like Sahana.’

Masami blinked. ‘Huh? Sahana? The one I like is you, idiot.’ Her jaw tightened as she fought against the temptation to act as if she had just made a joke.

Kunie dropped the bunch of grass in her hand. ‘Seriously? I can’t handle having you lie to me about that shit.’

‘Why would I lie about that? Kunie, I love you.’

The expression on Kunie’s face fluctuated with frightening speed. First, her eyes were wide and her jaw agape, then her mouth curled into a smile with eyes that squinted as if holding back tears. Her eyebrows met and the smile morphed into a frown, her eyes full of fire. Finally, she looked at the ground with the eyes of someone who had never even heard of the word ‘confident.’ This last expression made Masami’s heart beat as fast as that of a scream queen in a horror movie. She could barely recognise the girl she loved.

‘Look, I don’t know if going out is such a good idea for us,’ Kunie said in a voice devoid of life. ‘Now that my secret’s out, I don’t really want to deal with relationship trouble on top of that. Plus, what do we even have in common? We’d be a disaster as a couple.’

‘I… guess so. And you like Sahana, anyway.’

‘The hell made you think that? I don’t see her that way, and even if I did, that would be even more of a disaster. She doesn’t care about me at all. She didn’t even comfort me when I got outed. Maybe if she wasn’t so self-absorbed I could have worked through this easier.’

Those words pulled Masami up until she was standing. ‘You know damn well that Sahana isn’t self-absorbed! Stop slandering her and blaming her for all your problems! I shouldn’t have even bothered trying to make amends with you since it’s clearly a one-way street.’

She ran back inside, breaking the red string I had so carefully placed around her finger. I gasped and tried to repair it as best I could but to no avail.

Kunie looked down at the dirt where she had pulled grass from, at the mess she had made.

[pursuitofbrattiness-blog]

Second

Things have been stressful but otherwise pretty decent lately. My bf and I celebrated our first anniversary together and now we are beginning to look for places come August 1st. I started therapy weekly for the time being. My first real appointment is on the 29th. It's crazy how long this journey has taken. I always thought when you're in a dire situation like needing mental help or being suicidal that they swooped in and actually took care of you. Luckily there have been no copay so far, but my bill from the emergency behavioral outreach and the hospital have totaled $2400+. I keep saying I was taken involuntarily and I was, but it's not like I didn't need the help. The bills are a sobering reminder of where I was versus where I need to be. Sometimes I sit back and think where did my life go? I'm 27 now and don't see a very promising future, except if you are thinking in terms of retail management. My poor choices have limited me so much in my future. I have a poor credit score and work a job $3 ish dollars over minimum wage, so in turn I live in a shit hole, drive a shitty car, and have an overall shitty life. I try not to be mad or have any resentment toward anyone. Who am I kidding? I did this all to myself. Everything. So therefore I am the only one who can help myself get out of it. I used to do so much. Martial arts, honors student, gifted writer, won the geography bee, etc etc. And then everything just kind of ... changed. Gradually. I remember when I started dating. My first bf and I are still very good friends to this day. We were together for like two years. That is, if I could find him. This was before everyone had cell phones. You actually had to work for it. Anyway he came out of the closet and left me. I was unhappy at first but soon came to realize that I would be even more unhappy in a sham relationship and if I truly do love him for who he is (which I still do, always.), then I should be happy with him trying to find his own happiness. I feel like my existence is made up of chapters and each chapter is named after the boy or man I chose to be with in that period of time. I used relationships as a way to identify myself for so long that I lost touch with who I really was as a person. I'm not sure if I've still even found that girl yet. Overall I had a pretty decent childhood. We were never rich, but my parents always made sure we had everything we needed. My older sister and I each received an LL Bean backpack when we started first grade and we were expected to maintain it and keep it throughout elementary school, we had chores, after school program, etc. I started going to camp when I was around 8 and continued until 17. I took martial arts and aspired to do something with my life. My parents pushed us a lot though, and it was sometimes hard on us girls. They expected us to socialize and play outside with the other kids. When I was like maybe 5 I met the neighbor kids. It was soon after that I knew about sex, knew what a blow job was, and just generally things a 5 year old shouldn't know. I would say that one of the single worst memories I have in my entire life is this: Couldn't have been more than 6 years old at the time. The neighbor boy asked if I wanted to see something. He wasn't even that much older than me. Maybe 7? 8? It's really kind of fuzzy after 20 years. Anyway, of course I wanted to see something. He led me into the back hall to the apartment building we lived in and pulled down his pants, exposing his penis. He said now you. I wasn't exactly sure what to do or say. I do remember what I was wearing though. Minnie Mouse romper thing. Light up sneakers. I did what he said. He asked if I had ever sucked dick before. No, I replied cautiously. He told me to close my eyes and open my mouth. I did so. Wider he says. I tightened my eyes abs opened as wide as I could. And that's when I tasted it. It tasted like cigarettes and laundry detergent. It was brief. I pulled away and opened my eyes. I saw my sister and his sister staring in through the glass on the door we went through. I didn't know what to think. Didn't get it. Stuff like that happened between the brother and the sister and I until they finally moved away. To this day I know I'm not completely heterosexual and know that this probably was the catalyst. I have always been ashamed. Always hid it. Never wanted to talk about it. Would leave the room and feel uncomfortable if a lesbian couple was featured on TV, for instance. Nowadays I suppose the society we live in would say that I'm absolutely silly for hiding it. I never found out why I have such a shame for it. I'm bisexual through and through, but I really do prefer the company of men. It's weird. Sexuality is a vast and diverse thing, and talking about my own experience makes me understand a little bit more. Other bad things happened that I don't want to divulge right now. But they were really bad. And had a really profound impact on who I am as a person. I became the girl that automatically equates sex with love. Not necessarily a bad thing definitely, but it's also hurt me quite a bit. Men can be cruel. I can be, too, however. My second boyfriend was the prime example of this. I was 16 and he was 21 and I took advantage pretty damn hard. I mean, who wouldnt? I also took his virginity so nowadays I think about what he did and it makes more sense to me, especially given what I went through. Anyway this dude was getting SSI and I met him thru my ex boyfriend (yes the gay one) and on the internet kind of. It was a mixture. Anyway this dude had cerebral palsy and was getting like 550 a month. Of course once we started dating it was ALL going to me. Dumb shit, too. Dinners, $45 blankets at hot topic, just stupid shit. I was a kid so I liked dumb shit. He liked fucking a kid because he was/is a sexual predator. Ugh I got so fat and gross. I started the depo shot when I was like 16.5 or 17 and gained so much weight. I ended up getting pregnant and yeah something bad happened so we wont really go into detail about that. I started smoking weed as much as I could and drinking to legit get fucked the fuck up. Like puke, drink, repeat. Binge drinking. Soon the relationship between palsy dude and I was growing sour. He was starting to become physically abusive, and using items and marriage proposals, and cheap fucking 1/10 diamond rings from walmart to try to lure me in. I dropped out of high school and almost joined the fucking military. I quit martial arts. I was legit becoming a shell. Crying out for any attention I could at home. My parents were too busy trying to repair their marriage. I get it now, mom and dad. I can't even imagine how you guys did it all and managed to save your marriage. I understand why it had to be done. I acted like a casualty of it for years. It finally dawned on me that they were trying to save it for ME. For my sis and I. I'm truly grateful now. They are still together and seem to be more in love than ever. Someday I will have something this healthy. Anyway the first time palsy dude (and yes that is what he will be referred to as. First bf is gay bf. Deal with it. He loves it.) was physical with me was after some brief altercation we had had. I called him stupid. He was driving his fuckin piece of shit Intrepid and stopped short at a stop sign. He looked me dead in the eyes and wrenched my windpipe with his good hand. Don't you ever fucking call me that again. He said through gritted teeth. His forehead turned red and he started breathing heavily through his nose before shoving me backwards and letting me go. Instantly my eyes welled up with tears and I think .02 seconds after that, he was sorry. He was always fuckin sorry. It continued to get worse. Shoving me into walls, kicking me when I was laying in the fetal position crying. Blaming me for what happened when I got pregnant. Blowing my fuckin cell phone up and running up my parents bill, always wanted to know where I was. So I apparently had gradually decided months ago the best course of action was to make him my life and quit my sport, quit school, join the military and make him and army husband. It all sounds so fuckin ridiculous now, but that's what my plan was. Til shit started going sour. My parents intervened after finding out I had missed about 90 days of school. Everyday before I left, I unhooked the phone so when the school called looking for me, the line was unreachable. I ended up in alternative school where I learned math easily from a computer, and graduated high school with like a 3.2 average or something. I went to school 7 am to 10 am and worked as much as I could for a drug store downtown. Once I got that job I found my independence and literally decided one day I did not need to be treated the way palsy dude saw fit. I was hanging out more and more with gay ex bf and his little sister, among them their friends, which in turn became my friends. A veritable menagerie of different scenes, culminating into the love for two things. Partying, and trying to find the means to do so. I had a job so I would buy weed and booze any chance I could get and share with everyone. A lot of times I would go to gay ex bfs dad's house after school and wait for him to come over so we could hang and party. Smoke maybe do some pills and drink. There was another reason I would go over there. Gay ex bfs dad was a heroin addict and I felt really bad for him because he was very kind and gave me a lot of advice and tried to help me in my future. I feel like I was making him hamburger helper everyday for at least a few months. Always with a couple slices of cheese on top. He used to ask for it, but then I would just routinely go into the fridge and see what I could make for us. Sometimes when he would eat, he would start to go to sleep so I would make sure he stayed awake and smoked his cigarette and ate and had a drink of water before he fell asleep again. Sometimes I would make sure the little sister would get to school at a decent time, although no one could ever control her after you dropped her off at the middle school. I always loved that about her. She always marched to the beat of her own drum. Anyway, I broke up with palsy dude. He had been living in a rooming house in my city to be closer to me. I told him i was done. He smashed a ceramic mug he had and sliced his wrists over and over. I was in awe and surely did not know what to say or do. He blocked the door and cried to me to reconsider. I had to call the cops. I went to my friends house after and my friends mother consoled me. My parents picked me up and took me home. He killed the hamster he bought me after that I'm pretty sure. He harassed me for weeks. Finally the day after my 18th birthday he called my cell. Not sure why but I answered. He sounded hysterical as usual. I heard wind blowing into the speaker which meant he was outside somewhere. What the fuck do you want I said. He replied, through gritted teeth I'm sure, I wanted to do this on your birthday. Now the sound I heard after I can only describe as dropping a heavy book in an empty room, on a wood floor. The phone hung up. I looked at my friends who I was with at the time and said something to the effect of I think this motherfucker shot himself. So I decide to call back. This dude fucking answers. When I ask him what happened he confirmed my fear of shooting himself. But miraculously he DIDN'T DIE. BECAUSE AFTER HE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED I CALLED FUCKIN 911. I GUESSED THAT HE WAS AT HIS PARENTS, THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY PLACE HE WENT THAT DIDN'T HAVE THE SOUND OF THE CITY IN THE BACKGROUND. Oh how right i was and they jetted on over to put his face back together. So they did plastic surgery and looks 100% better now, which makes my story even more fucking unbelievable. I mean I haven't seen him IN PERSON for years, almost a decade actually, but his Facebook (yes I creep) makes him look completely normal. Here's the fuckin kicker. I had to get a restraining order on him. He still tried his damndest to contact me through any means possible. I was scared and just wanted it all to be over so I finally got the balls to tell him to leave me alone or face jail time. Needless to say he did. He's in an unhappy marriage and has a child. I only know this because he is a Facebook creep too and COULD NOT RESIST seeing what's up with my fine ass after all these years. Basically said gl with the kids and shitty marriage douche. Man that felt good.