#not to mention that i literally would never pass up an opportunity to draw Jack in a skirt

[cinnamon-grump]

you didn’t specify, so I did them in the order u said ;P

[princecharmingmendes]

Heart by Heart | Chapter IV | Raul Mendes

                                                 *secret agent AU*

Y/N and Raul have been friends ever since they could remember. And falling in love with your best friend can be pretty tricky and messy 99% of the times, add that to the fact they're constantly risking their lives side by side on the field since they're both secret agents, and the best team that's ever existed. Perfect recipe for disaster.

Hi, this is the fourth chapter, you can find the first one here. This one's a bit shorter but I still hope you like it anyway. Please read the warnings on this one, if you don't feel comfortable with the contents listed on the "warnings" section, please read something else, there are a lot of other works on my masterlist and on the "fic rec" hashtag on my blog. Please give me some feedback and I hope you guys like. Happy Reading! 

                                              previous chapter | masterpost | next chapter 

*Word Count: 2.9K+.

*Warnings: cursing, jealousy, mentions of weapons (barely any), slight angst (if you squint). 

Please don’t read it if any of this subjects make you uncomfortable, feel free to check my masterlist for other writings. 

*Posted: July 22nd, 2021.

                                                  -*-

Raul was fucked. 

He learned that ages ago, but every passing day, it just seemed to get more and more fucked. 

Y/N was the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid eyes on, he knew that the day he met her all those years ago, while she was still a kid like him. And as the time went on, she proved him wrong every single day, every time he looked at her, in his eyes, Y/N surpassed her own beauty and taking her own title as the pretties one. Raul knew he was a goner the first time he made her laugh, truly laugh, throwing her head back as she almost lost her breath, he knew he would have to do it all over again for the rest of his life just to hear the most beautiful melody ever created. 

And maybe he was a fool, and obvious one for not even holding back whenever she was hurt or needed him. He would give Y/N anything in the world and he could be pretty reckless about it. Sure, Raul was capable of keeping it to himself all these years, even from his spy family and her, but Peter was slowly catching onto it and he knew it. There was a reason why Peter wasn’t a field agent and his not so subtle approaches only proved that right. But he honestly didn’t care, as long as he got to have her as his best friend and best girl, he didn’t give a fuck about what the rest of the world thought. He only cared about Y/N. 

So watching her progress on the ring (hell, having his ass kicked by her was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him), watching Y/N taking part of such an important role as to plan the mission that would take down one of the biggest criminals on the world left him so proud. He couldn’t even describe it. Watching her sleep peacefully among his bedding, the glimmer of pure and utter happiness whenever she watched one of the marvel movies or ate her favorite cake made butterflies go wild in his stomach. 

And as Aaliyah would say, he was probably a simp for her. As sappy as that sounded, it was probably true. 

“Still with me, champ?” Y/N’s voice ringed on his coms.

Raul had to hold back a smile as Jack smirked at him on their watching point across the street “Always, doll, see anything?”

“Not really” she muttered annoyedly “think the package is late” 

“Oh, sorry the bad guy didn’t show up on the perfect time according to your planner”

“Fuck you, darling, before I forget”

Raul huffed a chuckle as he changed channels on the surveillance system she hacked the night prior. 

He was with Jack sitting on his apartment watching Y/N from the perfect window. The initial plan was pretty simple, Y/N would be dressed in casual common clothes, going through her computer on Genoff’s favorite coffee shop, to possibly catch him after coming back, so he could be used to some of their faces on his absence justifying new people around. Her undercover role was as a graphic designer that pretty much had a home office, which would justify her always being around that area. Tommy was the local barista trainee, summer job to pay for his scholarship, and this way he could hear some stuff and also be ready to jump and protect whoever was undercover there that day.

Celine was working on the front desk on Geonoff’s cover up business building, she was replacing the other girl that just left due to maternity leave, so it wouldn’t look suspicious at all. James got the work as an executive driver on a company that often was hired to transport Geonoff himself and his people, and Raul would also be on home office as a free lancer photographer, he’d be in an untitled relationship with Y/N which would be a good cover for them always being out and about together.

They would all be living in the same neighborhood, Peter and Celine would be living in the same apartment complex, which was just next doors to the one Jack, Y/N and Raul were placed. This way it would still be safe and pretty low profile enough to not draw curious eyes. And since the mission didn’t exactly have a precise deadline, they didn’t have a precise date to actually leave, so their flat was poorly furnished and decorated, filled with the ultimate basic things they could need in a month period. And of course, heavily armed in every corner and drawer anyone could think about.

“He just left his car two blocks away, think he might be just a bit behind your schedule, Y/N” Jack called from his place behind the screens she had set up the night before “Tommy, grab the cash register as soon as you can”

“Yes sir” Tom mumbled under his breath.

Raul inched a bit closer to the window on a spot no one could see him from bellow, watching as Geonoff himself entered the shop with two other man right behind him. Probably security team. He had to hold back his breath once he noticed the way the man had his eyes fixated right on Y/N’s table, before quietly muttering something to the other with him.

“Hm, excuse me miss?” a deep slightly hoarse voice caught her attention from the fake project displayed on her computer screen, Y/N looked up to find Geonoff right next to her booth.

“Oh hi”

“Why is he talking to her? He wasn’t supposed to just approach her!” Raul practically growled to Jack as the other just shrugged in response “fuck” 

“Dude, calm down, Tom is literally just across the bar and she’s a fucking spy, chill, she knows how to handle this” Jack said shoving Raul’s shoulder playfully, to which he just rolled his eyes huffing in annoyance.

“I know, I know that” 

Jack arched his eyebrow at him, a knowing smirk playing on his lips “Is this your way of admitting you love her?” 

“Shut up and pay attention to their conversation, you idiot” Raul said pushing his friend off of his sit. 

“I'm sorry, I just had to ask, I haven’t such a pretty girl like you around in a while, are you new in town, darling?” Geonoff asked leaning his hip against the sit across from Y/N.

“Oh no, not new in town” she responded with a giggle, trying to ease the nerves and slight nausea from talking to him and his half attempt of flirting “I moved to this neighborhood last month though, used to leave on the other side of the town” 

“Oh, was it for work? How are you liking this place so far?”

“It’s nice, I thought it was going to be quieter but it doesn’t really bother me” she said with a soft smile on her features “I moved here because I work from home, so I needed to get out of my last place cause my roommate was not exactly quiet, and my boyfriend said there was an available apartment on his floor, so it just seemed like a great opportunity” 

Raul’s heart raced a bit more on his chest when she referred to him as ‘boyfriend’, which was completely stupid. Y/N was his best friend and this was only for a cover. But sometimes his feelings got the best of him.

“Boyfriend? Is he here?”

“Oh no, I think he’s at work now, he’s a photographer”

“It makes sense, he has the prettiest muse at home” he added with a wink, which made Y/N’s stomach twirl in her tummy, this man is absolutely gross and she just wants to find a way out of this conversation “is he joining you today or should I keep you company?” 

“Tell him I’m on my way, sweetheart, don’t want this man any closer to you” Raul said through coms, Jack already grabbing his backpack with the material they had separated to be Raul’s cover as he threw a denim jacket and a pair of glasses.

Y/N gave Geonoff a gentle smile as she shrugged before adding “he told me he’d be coming here, something about the cupcakes being the best he’s ever had”

“Oh shut up, this is the worst excuse to get me to buy you cupcake ever” Raul muttered through coms as he jogged across the street and Y/N had to cough to hid a little giggle that threatened to escape at her best friend’s comment.

“Yeah, they’re really good, I think you’d like the chocolate one” 

“Okay, thank you for the tip” she said, quickly noticing the mop of curls clumsy coming into the shop, a big grin blossoming on her lips as she waved at the heaving figure of her best friend “oh, there he is!”

Raul’s eyes found hers and he could only smile, forgetting only momentarily that one of the most wanted man in the country was just beside her, he shook his head to gain a bit more focus as he shortened the distance between them with every step “hi baby” 

Y/N got up from her sit and was quick to throw her arms around his neck, as he did the same with her waist, planting a kiss to the crown of her head “Hi, honey this is… Oh my, just realized I never caught your name, I’m sorry, that was so rude”

“Geonoff, darling” he said with a smug smile on his lips, probably waiting some sort of reaction and proud of it.

And to Raul’s amusement, Y/N didn’t move a single muscle, didn’t give a single reaction, only offering a polite smile “Oh, nice name, I’m Y/N and this is my boyfriend, Raul”

“Beautiful name, suits such a gorgeous girl like you” he said, eyes on Raul waiting for some sort of response.

“Oh yeah, she doesn’t like it but I’ve always found it beautiful” he said softly.

“Well, I’ll leave you guys alone now, nice meeting the two of you” Geonoff said as his guards approached him with a paper bag “and Y/N, let me know if you need anything, I’m always around”

“Thank you” she said before pulling Raul to sit by her side on the booth as Geonoff walked out of the little shop “how was your day, honey?”

“Good, angel, got a couple of photos I think you’d like to see whenever we get home” he said throwing his arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer.

“You two are gross to watch” Jack grumbled through the coms making them both laugh.

Y/N turned her head to face him “you wanna go home to show me or you want to grab a cup of coffee first?”

“I think I want a bit of coffee, but we can order it to go, yeah?”

“Sure, whatever you want” Y/N said before sliding off the booth and pulling him with her, before stuffing her computer on her little backpack, which Raul promptly took from her.

“Come on, baby, can’t wait to lay down a bit” he ushered her to the register, where Tom waited patiently for them “hello there, I’d like an espresso please” 

“Sure, anything else?” Tommy asked as he clicked on the little screen.

“Do you want anything, baby?”

“A red velvet cupcake to go, please”

Tom nodded looking a little nervous before speaking up “the other man with the security guards left this note and cupcake for you, ma’am” he then grabbed the little pastry and a fancy business card alongside it.

“Oh, I- are you sure it was for me?” she asked in disbelief as Raul tightened his arm around her.

Tom only nodded in response “positive, do you still want the red velvet one?”

“I- yes, please” Y/N let out before almost chocking on air, gently grabbing the card that contained the business information from his company (that she already had) and a little handwritten phrase next to a phone number, the note read ‘if you’re ever looking for a real man, let me know’. 

“Someone’s got a crush on you” Raul teased trying to mask the anger bubbling up on his throat, but he knew she saw right through his facade. After all, Y/N knew him better than anyone else.

“Well, I feel bad for him, because I’m already taken, yeah?” she giggled at herself, lightly poking his chest to try and loosen his nerves a bit.

“Yeah, since I have you, know that I’m never letting you go” Raul pressed a kiss to her head huffing a small chuckle.

“Here it is, sir” Tom cut Raul out before handing him the paper bag, and he placed the money on Tom’s hand.

Raul offered a smile as he lead Y/N back to their place “Thank you, take care, kid” 

As they were crossing the street, Y/N dropped the cupcake from Geonoff on the sidewalk, making it look like an accident as she cried out an ‘oh no, I can’t believe I dropped it!’ before tossing it on the bin. On the elevator to their apartment, Raul still seemed tense and too quiet for his normal self, but Y/N decided to drop it, maybe give him some time to deal with today.

Just as they opened the door, Jack was quick to pull them inside, grabbing the card from Y/N’s hand and tossing it into a special bag and running downstairs, probably to deliver it to a team so they could take it to the lab to run some tests. Celine was stretched on the couch, a knowing look in her eyes as she signaled for them to join her. Raul went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water in complete silence as Y/N sank down on the soft cushions with Celine.

“What’s wrong with him?” she muttered quietly, since there were no walls separating the rooms on this flat, only the bedroom and bathroom and Raul was standing pretty close.

Y/N sighed with a shrug “No clue, maybe just didn’t expect the interaction to go like that, I don’t know”

“By the way, you did great, he even got interested in you” 

“Ew, no need to remind me, seriously that man is just gross, there’s something about him that’s just creepy, and I’m not even bringing up his criminal record” Y/N added grabbing a bottle water that Raul tossed at her after she nodded at him.

Celine nodded in understanding “Don't blame you, I think I would’ve punched him five seconds into talking”

“You wouldn’t last a single second with him talking” Jack said as he closed the door behind him.

Y/N and Celine laughed as Raul joined them on the couch, sitting on the armrest right behind Y/N as she leaned her weight on him. He threw an arm around her. 

“I think we should order a pizza and have some beer, yeah? This was a successful day, Tom’s gonna be here any minute now and Raul didn’t die out of jealousy in 24h, only reasons to celebrate!”

“Don’t start celebrating now, Jack, he might combust at any second now” Celine said with a laugh and Y/N giggled shaking her head, looking up at him only to see his serious expression and a light pink tinting his cheeks.

“So, pizza and beer it is?” Jack asked pulling his phone.

“I think it’s a great idea” Tom said as he climbed through the back window.

“Okay, Jack, order the pizzas and grab us the beer” Y/N decided and Jack stared at her in shock.

“Why me?!”

“So you can do something useful for once instead of gossiping” Raul said playfully and Y/N smiled at that as Jack feigned hurt with a dramatic gasp. 

“Well, there’s that and the fact that this genius idea belongs to you, doesn’t it?” Y/N asked 

Jack stared at her and nodded “Well yeah but-“

“Then make it happen, darling” Y/N only threw a wink at him and he shook his head, but grabbing his phone to start ordering. 

“Hey Tom, can I see the piece you brought back?” Celine asked without moving from her place on the couch. 

Y/N took the opportunity to properly face Raul since the others were seemingly busy, so she cupped his face gently bringing his attention down at her “are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course I am, doll” he said turning his face to place a kiss at the palm of her hand before looking back at her. 

“Are you sure? You didn’t seem fine five minutes ago”

“I just didn’t think he’d take such an interest on you so soon, I mean, you’re insanely gorgeous so it was obvious he was going to notice you, I guess I was just unconsciously hoping he wouldn’t” Raul sighed leaning his head against her hand and she let it slide on his face until she was able to curl her fingers on his hair “it’s stupid, I’m sorry, I was just being stupid yeah? Let’s focus on something else and relax”

“Are you sure?” she asked tugging on his hair a bit as he closed his eyes, nodding his head softly and she sighed “okay”

                                                  -*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know.

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it!

*xoxo

-🌙

[intrulogical]

Spirals

author’s note: oh literally this is the worst. who knew the first fic without logan would've been a nightmare to make. i just really wanted to establish a secure dynamic between janus and remus, make some junji ito references, and move on, honestly. i just want to get to the fanfiction where they play poker and argue with the light sides, ya'know? but still, i guess i had to make *this* fanfiction. think of it as the halloween episode in sanders sides.

this fic literally cannot be read as a standalone so, for the love of all things good, please read the other fics in the series to understand what the fuck is going on! because this fic is sure as hell messy so reading it by itself won't even make sense lmao

like always, thank you to the logang discord for support! big thanks especially to kei, orb, and ellie for beta reading!

pairings: Platonic Remus & Janus, Mentions of Romantic Remus/Logan, Mentions of Past Remus/Janus

warnings:  remus angst, critical light sides, light sides negativity, swearing, remus-typical content, mentions of nsfw, weird horror-inspired creatures, slight self-esteem issues, just remus being sad :(

word count: 5502

summary: Remus sighed. It didn’t matter, he supposed. As long as the buzz from the lake distracted his thoughts and the hypnotizing spirals in the sky continued to drift, it would all be fine.

Spirals, spirals, spirals. Just like how he was spiralling right now. He chuckled at himself for the stupid connection; Logan really got him used to doing pointless word association games.

Word association games. Logan. His lover, boyfriend, partner, whatever.

Remus raised his arms to rub his tired face. The soaked sleeves of his hoodie dripped the water unto his cheeks. He really did not want to think about Logan and the possibility of him becoming a--

He splashed his arms back onto the water furiously as he furrowed his lip.

or,

Remus has some conflicting thoughts about Logan becoming a "Dark" Side, has a different unidentifiable problem, and swims around in his Junji Ito-inspired creation. Janus, on the other hand, has to convince him to take a break.

(ao3 link)

There was a buzzing, staticky sensation that tickled Remus’s neck and legs as he floated atop the Dragonfly Pond. The lake itself, admittedly, was highly unrealistic as Remus hadn’t perfected every single aspect of his copy of Uzumaki’s horrific town of Kurozu-Cho, but Remus enjoyed traversing through the ghastly lake nonetheless. The odd buzz that fizzled against his skin felt weirdly satisfying and mind-numbing, allowing the irksome, overwhelming thoughts in his head to evaporate slightly. 

Remus understood that he should’ve been tucked in his bed by now, falling asleep to eccentric Jack Stauber songs as he hugged the gigantic octopus plushie Logan had given to him on his birthday. There was a persistent burn in his eyes that only worsened as time passed by and his muscles ached so terribly to the point of cramping. His eyes were practically blurring after a few seconds of gazing at the sky, and he swore he felt frost nipping at the ends of his fingers and toes. Yet here he was, paddling himself across the lake using his feet as his hoodie became soggier by the second, ignoring every logical thought that screamed at him to go to bed.

Junji Ito’s works were always a source of unexpected comfort for Remus. Remus recognized it was probably suspicious that he felt at ease while reading mangas about demonic, gut-wrenching monsters, but as an avid fan of the cosmic horror genre, he was only exhilarated by the detailed yet unsettling drawings. 

This was the reason why he made replicas of those mangas in his side of the Imagination. Many of his landscapes were dedicated to the fascinating monsters Ito was able to create. Sometimes, Remus’s ambitiousness took over and prompted him to create entire cities and towns with clueless civilians that inhabited the horrific establishments. Remus just liked to go wild and have fun, y’know? Amp the scare factor up to a hundred. 

(He also took pleasure in witnessing Roman’s fearful face whenever one of his creatures trespassed his land. The occasion was rare but when it happened, Remus merely laughed at Roman devilishly.)

Remus breathed out deeply. The skies above were littered with spirals, each thick cloud hypnotically whorling as it passed by. The wind was also visible, each breeze being represented with curls and scrolls. The night slightly resembled Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” but in monochromatic colors, making the sky appear to be a more depressing clone of the painting. 

Additionally, surrounding the lake were an abundant amount of trees, each of their leaves curling at the corners. Sometimes, the trees would give into this spiral disease and coil up on itself like a centipede that was just stepped on. Some peculiar creatures also hid within the helical greenery, all of them taking a peek at Remus from time to time. Remus only recalled witnessing boulder-sized snails and a stretched out human-snake hybrid traversing through their forest for today, but Remus didn’t expect any of his creations to be any real threats to him. 

If Remus was being honest, he had expected more creatures to appear. Usually, some of the  ghosts that inhabited the lake would arise and stalk Remus creepily but they didn’t even come out to play. The tornado siren that usually resonated daily didn’t alarm either, and there were no ear-piercing shrieks and terrified screams he could hear from a distance. Despite his environment still being undeniably terrifying, it was still pretty tame compared to Remus’s past visits.

Remus sighed. It didn’t matter, he supposed. As long as the buzz from the lake distracted his thoughts and the hypnotizing spirals in the sky continued to drift, it would all be fine.

Spirals, spirals, spirals. Just like how he was spiralling right now. He chuckled at himself for the stupid connection; Logan really got him used to doing pointless word association games.

Word association games. Logan. His lover, boyfriend, partner, whatever. 

Remus raised his arms to rub his tired face. The soaked sleeves of his hoodie dripped the water unto his cheeks. He really did not want to think about Logan and the possibility of him becoming a—

He splashed his arms back onto the water furiously as he furrowed his lip. 

Remus was never one to anxiously overthink a problem. More than anything, he caused problems and issues, purposely terrorizing the others just because he enjoyed it. There was never a moment in his life he felt overwhelmed by an issue, especially when he was only partially involved. But this— this was different. The entire atmosphere of the Mindscape can shift, relationships can absolutely be tarnished and destroyed, and he didn’t even know how this issue could directly affect Thomas.

Remus sighed— this was a mess. A complete utter disastrous mess. 

“Remus?” a voice called from afar. Remus’s eyes widened as he recognized its owner. “Remus, do you know how long it took to fucking find you?” they continued, sounding obviously aggravated.

“Jannie? You came to find me?” Remus hollered back, flipping over so he remained standing upright in the lake. There in the distance stood Janus whose hair looked incredibly dishevelled as his cape was almost in tatters.

“Of course, you cretin. You haven’t been in your room since four and didn’t even come to eat dinner.” Janus told him, clearly upset. Remus only blinked at him in surprise. Janus sighed, “Don’t tell me you didn’t notice that you’ve been, er, floating about for ten hours straight?”

Remus shrugged mindlessly, only causing Janus to furrow his eyebrows. “What? Ten hours isn’t a big deal.”

“Remus.” Janus said scoldingly, holding a disappointed yet concerned gaze. “Have you eaten at all?” 

“Been meaning to try the human-sized snails crawling around town. Did you know snails are rich in protein? Logan explained that some researcher in Africa or something discovered that eating snails could—”

“Again, have you eaten?” Janus interrupted. 

“Does swallowing lake water count?” Remus asked.

“If you swim out of there, I’ll lend you some cake B made a while ago.” Janus said monotonically, and Remus quickly perked up. 

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place, double dicks?” Remus said with a grin. Instead of swimming out of the lake, he snapped his fingers and teleported himself to the empty spot next to Janus. Janus’s face remained stoic and unmoving at Remus’s unkemptness and wet clothes as Remus simply grinned at him maniacally, clearly excited to be given the dessert.

After sighing, Janus grabbed a tupperware hidden beneath his cloak. How it was held securely in the cloak was a mystery, but he still handed the cake to Remus. “It’s red velvet, since he wanted to cheer you up.”

“Cheer me up?” Remus said while removing the tupperware’s lid, “He’s been apologetic about his outburst for what, two weeks, three weeks now? I mean, I guess it’s okay to be a greedy bitch when the opportunity is right there, but I still feel spoiled. Spoiled like… food.” Janus eyed him weirdly, “Like that milk carton that we abandoned in our fridge for ten months… uhm…”

“Seems like your creative juices are running low.” Janus told him as Remus shoved half of the cake into his mouth, “Firstly, we both know B is just like that, and secondly, this cake wasn’t something he made to add to his apology streak— he’s worried for you.”

Remus scoffed, “Worried? Why should he be—”

“Remus, your room is in disarray.” Janus told him with a concerned tone as the corners of his lips tilted downwards, “We’re not going to tiptoe around the issue here, Remus. He said you left a conversation with Logan frowning and the voices in your room suddenly intensified. I’m— we’re worried for you.”

Remus averted his gaze from Janus, chewing on the cake silently and shamefully as he watched the achromatic trees dance in sync to the breeze. Even while looking away, he can sense Janus’s heavy, unfiltered concern, staring at him with furrowed eyebrows, thinned lips, and nostrils slightly flared. 

Even if Remus was fully aware that he could trust Janus and B wholeheartedly, Remus was still undoubtedly hesitant to confess what bothersome thoughts were floating around his head. Whenever Remus needed to ramble on about some stupid dilemma he had to Janus, he was always certain about the complexity of the problem and what it entailed. Pinpointing what his current issues were to Janus was usually not too difficult to do, but somehow, this was different.

His problem felt… convoluted. More complex than he needed it to be. There were a million rampaging thoughts in his head that couldn’t stop reminding him of different problems he couldn’t tackle all at once. Typically, he can find one problem that stood out amongst the rest, but presently, every identifiable problem seemed to be equally as dreadful as each other, leaving Remus incredibly perplexed. Being unable to pinpoint his main issue was further adding on to the multitude of problems he already had to deal with, and he was unsure of how he was going to explain all this chaos that was within his mind.

Remus felt his right arm being nudged. “Remus?” Janus spoke, causing  Remus blinked thrice, not realizing he went quiet for a few minutes.

“Sorry,” replied Remus with a forced grin, shoving another piece of the cake into his mouth. The worry on Janus’s face manifested a feeling of guilt within Remus, gradually making him feel sorry that Janus had to put up with his patheticness. 

“Remus, what time did you sleep last night?” Asked Janus, causing Remus to fiddle nervously with the skin around his fingernails. God, Remus regretted not bringing any sort of fidget toy or object for him to utilize— Logan’s going to scold him for this. “Actually, wrong question— it’s quite obvious that you didn’t sleep last night—”

“Don’t assume, Sweeney Fraud.” 

Janus quirked an eyebrow, “Oh? Then, when did you sleep, my dear Mrs. Lovett?” Janus said confidently, fidgeting with his gloves as he did. Remus made a disgruntled expression, rolling his eyes at the question. He guessed there was no avoiding it now.

“I’m not good at math, but probably seventy to seventy-eight hours ago? Uhm. That’s three days, right?” 

Janus placed his hand softly on the ground beneath him, “Remus, you couldn’t have possibly been awake for more than three days—”

“At least it wasn’t four whole days.”

“Remus,” Janus scolded him once more. Hearing Janus utter his name once more made him unexpectedly tense.

“What, seventy-eight hours is nothing compared to when we fucked for—”

Janus visibly grimaced, fists slowly clenching, “Ssssstop that,” he hissed, earning an entertained chuckle from Remus. “I don’t want to remember that— that phase we had.” he added, obviously flustered. 

“But ah, that phase we had was just wonderful!” Remus exclaimed, doing a chef’s kiss. Janus’s hands flew to grip his hat and simply pulled it closer to his face, “Thomas’s teenage years were marvelously filled with hormone-induced fantasies and—”

“Remusssss—”

“God, we were such horny children back then, even if it only lasted for a week—”

“Remus!” Janus roared, looking excessively embarrassed at Remus, “I am not proud of the— the activities we did back then so can you please do me a favor and forget about that entire week—”

“Jannie, you already know that I bring this up annually just to piss you off.” Remus said with a smirk, “I mean, look at you— all crimson and flushed like when I—”

“Oh my god, shut up!” Janus yelled, “You’re insufferable.”

“And so I’ve heard,” Remus replied, grinning widely.

“All I wanted was to help you with your damn problems and all I get greeted with is a reminder of our horrid sex life when we were teenagers, thanks a lot.” Janus murmured, hands still clenching his hat in humiliation. Meanwhile, Remus’ grin faltered a bit upon realizing that right, they still had his problems to discuss.

“That’s what friends are for,” Remus replied, trying to mask his worry by winking at Janus enthusiastically. Janus merely rolled  his eyes exasperatedly as a reply. “And I can handle my problems fine, J-anus. Just let me sulk here for another few hours, maybe I’ll duel one of those weird pregnant mosquito vampire creatures I’ve made—”

“—the what—?”

“—And maybe fall asleep around three or four? It’ll pass by then. I think. I dunno.” Remus finished with a nonchalant tone only to raise Janus’s suspicion. Remus froze at the sight of his disbelieving face— there was no chance in hell Remus would be able to lie in front of Janus, huh?

“‘You never pass the opportunity to vent when I ask you to.” Janus told him, consequently making Remus tilt his head in confusion. Janus sighed, “Well, I know you usually change the subject when I first bring it up, but upon the second or third request, you eventually do begin venting. What’s different about now?”

Remus was surprised that Janus had observed a pattern in their talks but was still unexplainably reluctant to share what was on his mind now. It would’ve been easier if he had Logan to talk to—he just made everything much easier, Remus didn’t know how that even worked—but Logan was involved with the issue and it just heightened his uneasiness even more.

“I— well,” Remus spoke, internally cringing at himself for the awful start, “God, I’ve been doing a lot of venting lately, is that even normal?”

“Better than duelling some pregnant vampire thingies or whatever the fuck you said earlier,” Janus replied, earning a half-smile from Remus.

“But I heard they put up a good fight, Jannie! Like, the townsfolk are saying they use drills as weapons while also having an insatiable thirst for blood—”

“Getting a little off-track here.”

“Ah— sorry.” Remus gave him an apologetic smile, “I’m just… very confused? Or anxious. Thoughts just swarm around my head like bees in a beehive and all of them keep buzzing,” Remus explained nervously. The tupperware and cake has long been abandoned as he continued to peel the skin around his fingernails instead, “And, uh, I don’t know where to start?”

“So you don’t know what’s bothering you?”

“Well, yes. And no.” Remus replied as he accidentally picked the skin around his thumb too harshly, causing a small trickle of blood to appear. Janus noticed this immediately, reaching out to pull Remus’s right hand away from his left.

“Don’t do that,” Janus instructed, causing Remus to huff at him agitatedly. Janus then sighed and unbuttoned his ruined cloak, handing it to Remus, “Some of your creatures clawed at the edges so you can play with the holes and loose threads instead if it means you’ll stop picking on your skin.” Janus explained, and Remus was about to protest until Janus continued, “I have more cloaks in my room, so destroy this one all you like.”

Remus gratefully accepted the cloak, following Janus’s suggestion and playing with the loose seams. “Thank you, uh,” Remus continued his tangent as he nervously pulled and plucked the strings, “Back to the thing— I kind of know what’s bothering me. Ish. Sorta kinda. Right now, I can probably identify ten— no, fifteen— or maybe twenty thoughts floating around that I could label as something contributing to my stupid dilemma.”

“But?”

“But I feel like there’s something I’m missing. A bigger problem I can’t seem to pinpoint— like that one episode Thomas made with the puppets! Er… I don’t know why I keep bringing up that one episode lately when honestly, it was such a terrible episode—“

“The Halloween one was worse, in my humble opinion.”

“Point taken. We could’ve made that episode ten times better, y’know? I feel offended they tried to make a scary episode without inviting us! If they really wanted to discuss Thomas’s embarrassing phases, we are quite the experts—“

“We’re getting off-topic again.”

“Fuck, sorry,” Remus said apologetically, “Where were we— oh right, the stupid bigger problem thing.” Remus huffed tiredly, “I feel so fucking bothered that I don’t know what’s bothering me which is making me even more bothered and more bothered and it’s just a fucking loop! A terrible cycle. A bothering one. Did I mention I’m so fucking bothered?”

“Then lay it on me.” Janus told him, and Remus tilted his head at him, slightly perplexed, “What I mean is— if we can’t identify the bigger problem at hand, then you can at least tell me about the problems you can identify. Maybe we can piece together what we’re missing here.”

“I swear to Jesus Christ that this is beginning to look like that puppet episode.”

“What’s your obsession with that damn puppet episode? We weren’t even in it.”

“I dunno, to be honest. I just like to shit on it a lot. Like, look at me, I have the same problems Thomas is having, yet I’m still villainized, for some goddamn reason. Maybe it’s the mustache? It’s gotta be the mustache.” Remus twirled the edges of his curled mustache as Janus merely shrugged.

“To be fair, you had a very violent introduction.”

“You know what? True. Probably should’ve gone with my ‘Breaking Through the Window’ plan—“ Janus opened his mouth, most likely about to interrupt Remus, but Remus immediately butted in first before he can be scolded again, “Yea, yea, I know, go back on topic, yadda yadda yadda.”

“I’m here to listen, so feel free to spill whatever you want to spill.” Janus replied, looking at Remus intently. Before Remus could express his lengthy spiel, he successfully ripped a certain portion of the cloak he was fiddling with. Sighing, he lowered the cloak, and gazed back at Janus. Janus was patiently waiting for him, and despite looking exhausted, Remus knew he was still going to listen. God, what did he do to deserve Janus?

“Well…” Remus started anxiously, twirling one of the loose threads between his fingers, “I already told you about the entire Logan ordeal.”

“Him becoming a—what’d they call it again—a ‘Dark’ Side?”

“Yep.” Remus affirmed, face scrunched up in discomfort, “Y’know like, I thought I’d be excited to see him here, but after much thought—which is funny since most of the time, I don’t overthink things—but anyway, after much thought, I just feel… dreadful. Like, this shit ain’t just Logan coming over here to visit. This has permanent consequences I didn’t even consider until now. I don’t even know how the other sides will react or— or if this’ll damage Thomas in any way.

“I know that Thomas would still be able to function— it isn’t like Logan is actually going to fade away or disappear. He’ll just be… neglected more. Gosh, his neglect is all my fault, isn’t it? I mean, I know that I should technically blame Thomas and the other sides for Logan’s gradual descent into becoming one of us, but maybe I should take part in the blame too since it’s my fault that he’s brought down here a lot. Maybe I— maybe I badly influenced him? Maybe his own problems and insecurities were created because of how much time he’s spent with me—”

“Now that’s—”

“Me, overthinking? Probably. But Logan is important to Thomas, he needs to be up there to be able to help Thomas the most. Maybe bringing him down here was a mistake on my part because now he’s just so willing to give up his position as a ‘Light’ Side. The other sides will condemn him, hurt him even more, villainize him like how I’ve been villainized. Logan’s going to get fuckin’ hurt because of my ass and I just, what, blindly allowed it to happen for the past few months? And now it’s too late to back out because, at any moment, he’s going to join us and all chaos will break loose.

“What if… what if him becoming part of our family is going to erupt a bigass fight between Logan and the others? Believe me, I’d love to see Logan go feral and slap the shit out of Patton, but I’m… scared? And it’s weird— I’m never really scared of anything. But I’m scared that there'll be a bigger divide between the ‘Light’ and ‘Dark’ Sides because of… well, me. And I know not everything is entirely my fault, but it’s still partially my fault, so I still feel so fucking terrible. 

“And speaking of more problems that are partially my fault— there’s also B I have to worry about— and you! Like, I’m dragging you both into this mess just because I fell in love with some fucking nerd and now the other sides will hate you even more. I mean, Thomas doesn’t even know B, but I know those other sides are going to pin the blame on someone else like they always do, so we’re going to be antagonized more. And I don’t even know if B and Logan get along! Like, for all I know, I’m tearing our own family apart, because as far as I’m concerned, B would murder Logan if he got the chance to. But I can’t force him to be nice because I know it’s valid of him to get mad at Logan for all the shit that went down in Thomas’s teenage years, but I don’t know if that’s just going to hurt Logan and— agh!”

“Remus,” Janus spoke softly, snapping him out of his hysteria. As Janus carefully placed his hand atop Remus’ forearm, Remus had realized that in the midst of his incohesive rambling, he had successfully torn Janus’ cloak apart with his bare hands. Moreover, his eyes didn’t seem like the only thing that felt like burning as his lungs felt like it was being set ablaze with how labored his breathing has become. He could feel his shoulder shudder after every two quickened breaths and his eye twitch after every third. 

“Sorry, sorry, I—”

“Enough apologies, I need you to breathe in—” Remus took a shaky inhale, “—and tell me five things you see.”

“Wh-what is this, that Frozen episode of Sanders Sides—?”

“Five things you see, Remus.” Janus repeated himself sternly, not allowing Remus to joke his way out of this situation.

In return, Remus clenched his jaw tensely, averting his gaze from Janus to eye the scenery before him. As he fiddled with the destroyed cloak’s tangled loose threads, he spoke apprehensively, “Uhm. The lake, obviously, and its spirals. That tree in the distance that’s coiling up unto itself as its leaves are disintegrating, uhm—” Remus paused to even out his breathing before his heart decided to jump out of his chest involuntarily,  “There’s a— some smoke? In the distance? I think it’s from a funeral— they’ve been having a lot of those here nowadays. And there goes a gigantic snail, trying to avoid being preyed on by— by that snake-human hybrid thing.” he finished as the snake-human hybrid pounced onto the defenseless snail, “Ah well, at least he tried.”

Once Remus looked back at Janus, he realized how horrified he must’ve been judging by his raised eyebrows and extremely thinned lips. He must’ve been trying his best not to question any creature he witnessed in this hellish side of the Imagination, and Remus felt flattered that Janus still remained by his side despite the horrific surroundings. Janus eventually shook his head and avoided gazing at the snail being eaten by the snake creature. “Apologies, er, four things you can feel?”

Remus’s grip on the cloak suddenly tightened, “Well, obviously the cloak. Uhm, it’s strings—” Remus wiggled his bare feet that laid on the ground, “I could also feel the grass and— and some water. I don’t think I’ve dried up just yet.”

“Three things you can hear?”

“The snake-human hybrid feasting on the snail it just killed—” Remus heard a muffled disgusted sound from Janus but didn’t comment on it, “The wind too— I think a tornado’s coming. And—” Remus successfully punctured another hole onto Janus’s ruined cloak, “—cloth being ripped. Sorry about your cloak.”

“Apology not needed. Two things you can smell?”

“Mold. I think it’s coming from the lake. And I think that’s—” Remus sniffed, “—smoke? Could be dead bodies. I dunno. Staying here for too long made me lose the ability to differentiate bad smells.”

Janus slightly winced at Remus’s statement but continued on, “One thing you can taste?”

“Red velvet mixed with gross lake water.” Remus replied, gazing at the abandoned tupperware on his left. His stomach grumbled at the idea of finishing the cake but his hands were too preoccupied with cloak shredding that he didn’t bother with it at all.

“I have told you before and I will tell you again: I’m not one to sugarcoat things, especially when false comfort is never going to bring you anywhere.” Janus explained as Remus nodded in understanding, “But, while these problems are quite terrifying to deal with, they also are manageable with enough time and patience. There’s no avoiding the fact that Logan is going to be part of our side of the Mindscape soon— we honestly should’ve seen it sooner after witnessing all the neglect he’s been receiving. But through thorough planning and careful conversations with B and hopefully, Thomas, we can understand that these problems aren’t too complex at all.

“We both may be figments of Thomas’s personalities, but we are also human, despite, you know, our weird animal traits. These thoughts swarming around your head like to overcomplicate situations when they might not be as awful as they seem. Again, they’re all defeatable after careful planning, and I assure you that you have my support along the way. B and Logan are also there to share their support. And I know B— we both know B— he’s impulsive, but he isn’t stupid. I’m sure B has already overheard about Logan’s transition to our side and is trying his best to adapt. And Logan loves you, Remus, he will plan something, I’m sure of it.

“And as for you… well, there’s no avoiding that we all are at fault for this entire scenario, but you, out of every side in the Mindscape, has probably contributed the least to Logan’s neglect. But it’d also be useless to dwell on the idea further when Logan’s just about to transfer any time soon. Just understand that while we have made some mistakes in the past, we’ve also grown from them and have changed. And while I can’t fully speak on Logan’s behalf, it’s quite obvious that you’ve made his life much happier.”

Remus smiled sourly to himself, slowly processing everything Janus had just stated to him. “Thank you, Jannie,” he said, earning a smug grin from Janus. “I guess I just needed some rest.”

“With how overwhelming your thoughts are at the moment, you definitely need to rest. I don’t think you’re used to having ten million problems at once.”

Suddenly, a metaphorical lightbulb flashed within Remus’s head, eyes widening at Janus’s statement, “I— wait. Hold on. Maybe that’s the problem here!”

“Not resting? Well, yes, technically—”

“No, you idiot! I forget you lose your brain cells from time to time.” Remus commented, earning an irritated huff form Janus. “What I mean is— I’ve never been used to handling so many issues all at once. Like I…” Remus snapped one string off the cloth, “For all my life, I’ve been so complacent. The only issues I’ve ever dealt with were my intrusive thoughts and my insecurities and then, well, Thomas started reaching out to us more and... there was a shift. You understand me, right? Like, everything felt like it was changing once Thomas began to rely on the other sides more.

“I was never involved in any heavy issue. More than anything, I cause many problems without giving a shit about the consequences! And then Logan happened and everything just changed again. I was so used to not caring about anything that when every problem just started stacking up, I was... overwhelmed. It made me feel like I was responsible for everything, every little issue, and I felt like I was going to ruin everything.”

“But you were just not accustomed to juggling different issues all at once?”

“Right,” Remus replied. They stayed silent for a few moments, Janus letting Remus ponder about his newfound revelation. While a dull sense of relief settled within Remus, there was still a sense of disappointment that lingered around. He couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous this all was. The problem was just so… childish. Immature. Really fucking dumb. For someone who nagged on incessantly about how pathetic Thomas was for pampering himself and his viewers constantly, Remus was being such a pathetic wimp himself.

“This was all so stupid,” Remus murmured, impassively staring off into the distance. “I’ve eaten four bottles of Vicks, I’ve killed three boars with my bare hands, fuck, I’ve tried recreating every monster from the SCP Foundation universe and tried to fight them all in a single arena! And yet this is what bothers me? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Is it supposed to?”

Remus paused for a few, “Damn,” he said, slightly breathless, “you’re good at this. Can I hire you to be my therapist?” Remus joked, his lips forming a half-smirk.

“I thought I already was.” Janus replied, “I’ll expect payment in forms of self-care.”

Remus tilted his head with a displeased pout, “Ew. Too expensive— I never agreed to any of these terms and conditions. Can we rediscuss your bill policies?”

Before replying, Janus sighed and swiftly stood up. Remus gazed at him in confusion before Janus stretched out an arm in front of Remus, implying that he was going to bring him somewhere else. “Nope, and I think it’s time for you to start paying back.”

Remus’s eyebrows slanted inwards at the abrupt demand, somewhat urged to refuse Janus’s order immediately. Janus seemed to recognize Remus’s hesitance right away as he lowered his hand in annoyance, placing it on his hip.

“I don’t want to return to my room just yet.”

Janus quirked an eyebrow at him, “I didn’t say we were going to your room, Remus, I’m not a fool.” Janus explained, and that made Remus loosen up a bit. “I was going to ask if you want to sleep in my room for tonight.”

Remus’s eyes widened at the offer but was definitely not dismayed by the suggestion. Faint memories of him and Virgil discreetly sneaking into Janus’s room on sleepless nights flitted across his mind as a warm yet pleasant feeling of nostalgia bubbled in his chest. Remus reminisced about the times where Janus would tiredly extract the pull-out bed from underneath his own bed as he and Virgil would enthusiastically hop on the bed before Janus would sing them a soothing lullaby. While Virgil was mostly a taboo subject between him and Janus nowadays, those old memories still sparked some odd comforting feeling within Remus, and he couldn’t help but smile in fondness.

“Well,” Remus started, “why didn’t you begin with that, penis squared?” Remus added with a genuine grin, scrambling to get a hold of the torn cloak and the abandoned tupperware. Janus mirrored his smile, albeit slightly tired, and reached out again to pull Remus up.

Once up, Remus dusted off any dirt that soiled his green hoodie before standing next to Janus. “I’ll make sure to set up a playlist of soap crushing videos for you to fall asleep to. While I didn’t want to do much work, I did grab some pillows, plushies, and fidget toys in advance just so you don’t have to return to your room for the night. The only thing I can’t help you with is breakfast in the morning because even if I wanted to do something sweet, we both know that I’m a fabulous chef.”

Remus barked out a laugh, “I wouldn’t want you to cook anything for me either. I feed all your failed meal attempts to Cthulhu.”

“...Poor Cthulhu.”

“But still, thanks for everything else, mother.” Remus said, earning an eye roll from Janus, “Where would I ever be without you?”

“Probably dead in a ditch.”

Remus barked out another laughter, “To be fair, I think I’d rather be dead in a ditch than face any of the crap I’m dealing with now. I think the corpse germs would treat me far better than how Thomas is treating me now.” Remus joked in between forced laughs as Janus’s face quickly dropped. Remus’s laughter only stopped when he felt Janus’s scaly palm touch his forearm and thumb over it soothingly. Remus looked at his hand, then at Janus’s face. His eyebrows are knitted together in concern but his lips formed a small, calming smile.

“This’ll all pass soon, Remus. Everything will be okay,” assured Janus as Remus quietly blinked twice at the statement before his lip quivered involuntarily. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

With glossy eyes, Remus nodded, “Yeah, yeah, let’s go.”

[phoebehalliwell]

So I LOVED your Sheridan and Warren fic!! The two of them are hilarious because that are just trying their best those poor boys! I had a hypothetical, so like in all those AU where Prue is wished alive in I Dream of Phoebe, what would happen in this situation? Would Prue go see her sisters or would she go find her kids? ALSO Prue as the boys magical (deceased) guide is Perf 👌🏻

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA tysm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love my boys so much i’m really trying to keep them like. like as removed from proper magic as possible bc i just think it’s really fucking funny to just follow two bimbos around as they try their best. i’ve also def like tinkered w canon a lil bit as explained in this post here only to keep them further away from aunts who could explain everything like they don’t even have a whitelighter bc paige was supposed to fill that role really the only person they have is prue who gave them a crash course when she unbound their powers as explained in this post and they will occasionally summon her but even then it’s less for advice and more bc like. they want 2 talk to their mom. and i do think prue will occasionally try to make like guest appearances on their birthday she’d def be a presence kinda like how grams was a presence for the girls if they had a book of shadows prue would do the flipping. but they don’t. she did guide their familiar to them!! the cat’s name is swizzlesticks and yes it is just kit again lmao. But. Ur Question. so basically in w&s’s origins jack raised them post prue death and like he kinda fucked off to japan for the rest of the show (sidenote both warren and sheridan are quasi fluent in japanese like jack the only difference is while jack uses his bilingual talents for business the twins almost exclusively use this ability to multitask while watching anime) so i think piper and phoebe had like Zero contact w their nephews and paige actually has never met them like she didn’t even really know they existed bc deadass just no one mentioned them. so like if prue is wished back to life in i dream of phoebe for starters she’s gonna know chris is piper and leo’s son bc she’s been keeping an ear to the ground and Heavily monitoring this chris situation before she assessed that he was good she spent a lot of time trying to figure out if a ghost should beat the shit out of an alive witch so idk who’s wishing prue alive in this specific au tbh u know what richard’s kinda off the shits this ep he’s probably wish prue back to life to try to prove to paige that she doesn’t have to be a charmed one she can just be paige :) and paige would lose her SHIT bc like oh my god that was not what she wanted and she’s so not ready to meet prue but here she is lmao and chris is freaking out bc now he really knows he’s altered the future in Major ways i think piper would see prue and immediately pass out and while i think prue would really really want to see her kids her first task would definitely be fixing the future and she would entirely dedicate herself to making sure wyatt doesn’t become evil but i think like she would pull chris aside and be like hi in your future where are my kids and chris would be like who? and prue would be like my sons?? warren & sheridan???? and chris would be like what?????? bc this whole time if wyatt was indeed not the eldest son like are you Fucking Kidding Me????? but no he’s never even heard of warren and sheridan bc in the dark future their powers were simply never unbound and they just continued to live as mortals and may or may not be dead depending on how good the witch finder bots are but like. i don’t think even if wyatt knew they existed he would want to find them bc that just draws attention to the fact they existed and he’s not the firstborn of the next gen so either they’re doing fine-ish all things considered or they just like died lowkey. but chris didn’t even was remotely aware of their existence. and i think this would kinda send prue into a bit of a tailspin bc her boys are so far removed from their legacy and their family (and they’re being raised by jack yikes!!) and she’s like no these are my kids but if she wants to get where they are she either needs to book a fight or find a whitelighter so i think this would specifically be a prue/paige adventure which is also nice bc paige is omnilingual and prue does not speak japanese so like. idk cute adventure. probably use some monster from japanese mythology to save either some smallish town or alternately a major city bc both of those r fun. i think if jack saw prue again he would start throwing things at her and stuff bc he’d be convinced this is some demon here to kill his kids just like they killed her bc haha that’s not a recurring nightmare lmao so i think prue would cast the truth spell right then and there to prove she’s really her which also leads to some good comedy and character development bc jack paige and prue are all under a truth spell and there is a lot unsaid between all of these characters with paige’s inferiority complex and prue and jack’s true feelings for each other and issues caused by prue’s death y’know blah blah blah but i think prue would really use this opportunity to bring warren & sheridan back into the fold so to speak and bring them to the manor and properly train them in the craft and tbh in this specific au i think prue and jack would actually end up together. bc in any other world i’m saying they literally just coparent like they’re fond of each other and will always love the other in like some way but it’s not like Love but i think here specifically it’s like. like the time spent apart where jack just like fucking wishes prue was there and realized what an absolute sap and hopeless romantic he is bc yeah he always like grand gestures and clowning around but like. warren and sheridan’s first steps? and jack was just fucking alone like ngl he almost cried bc he just wished. like prue should have been there. she would have been a great mom. she was a great mom. and his kids deserve their mom and like. he just wishes he could have shared that moment with her. completely unbeknownst to jack prue actually does like you know watch over them all and she’s just like. like blown away by jack. like never in a million years would she have thought he was capable of doing what he did. like. like wow man. and i think the combination of those two like actually having them together again and raising their kids i think romance would blossom again. and i think it would be this insane slowburn bc i think y’know like. like it only happened the first time bc jack pursued prue and was like stubborn and stupid and he like knew she was outta his league but it didn’t matter bc that relationship was just for funsies it was a fling it was never meant to be permanent but if jack were to pursue it know it’s be like. permanent. you know? and jack just doesn’t think prue feels the same way like jack’s a fuckin idiot he knows that and prue’s like a witch? like an insanely talented with and a successful photographer back from the dead don’t worry about it lmao and she just like. she takes the world by storm she balances her career and motherhood and saving the motherfucking world like how could she ever. she would never want to be with someone like jack like that’s just. it’s not in the cards. and prue on the other hand keeps waiting for the penny to drop she keeps waiting for like. jack to realize he doesn’t have to be here anymore. she’s convinced he’s gonna hop town and continue being the man she knew while she was alive now that he doesn’t have to keep watching over the kids now that he’s free in a way but that just never happens because jack doesn’t want to leave like those are his kids also he’s in love with prue lmao but she just can’t. she doesn’t get it. men leave. that’s what they do. that’s what they’ve literally always done she can’t like. she can’t open herself up to something serious only to have jack just ditch and leave her kids with the memory of his back walking out the door so she lowkey starts to push him away put her walls up which only furthers jack’s belief that this is never gonna happen but sometimes it’s like they’ll accidentally fall asleep on the couch together in the middle of the afternoon with the sunlight on them and they’ll wake up like Horribly Embarrassed like oh my god which they’re like this isnt weird okay like we have kids together they’re right there like. we have had sex multiples times before piper walking in on up taking a cat nap in the living room is literally it’s nothing!! oh but it so is something meanwhile phoebe the empath is about to lose her Fucking Shit like guys!!! guys!!!!!!!!! and piper’s just trying to reign her in like no don’t interfere bc piper knows prue’s fear of abandonment and she does not know this new iteration of jack she just remembers what he was like and she doesn’t want to see prue get hurt paige is on the opposite side bc she has literally never met any previous iteration of jack or prue and she’s like hello?? they’re in love?? and chris is like hi okay but like. the task at hand? and the girls are like no shh like trying to covertly spy on prue/jack/warren/sheridan/wyatt all playing in the solarium prue’s doing the telekinetic mobile thing again and jack’s expression of wonder is the same as his sons like !!!! and chris is like deadass i do not get it okay evil wyatt tho. but blah blah blah slow burn i think prue and jack would get married like s8. their wedding would replace paige and henry’s bc as mentioned before paige and henry having a wedding esp a wedding that early was like. dumb. but yeah. prue x jack brainrot. i’m mentally ill i love them so much.

[introvertedbookworm24]

Christmas is around the corner and we’re probably all trying to figure out what we want to give to our loved ones. I find Christmas to be the perfect opportunity to share my favourite books with my relatives and friends, even if they’re not perennial readers. Some of them probably haven’t met with a book that truly resonated with them and maybe your gift would be the one that will change their lives. So choose wisely!

Stocking fillers:

There’s noting better than a sock full of books right?! With their small size, these books are the perfect choice to stuff in any Christmas stocking: The Vintage Minis Series, Penguin Little Black Classics, Penguin Little Modern Classics and Everyman’s Library Pocket Classics.

For the fantasy lovers…

These are all part of a series, except for The Night Circus, but I’m pretty sure that after they read the first book, they would want to finish the rest of the books!

Graphic novels…

I haven’t read that many graphic novels, however, the few that I’ve read have been phenomenal, both in art style and also writing and plot. If you’re looking for a fun fantasy story that is perfect for young adults, then Nimona is your best choice. If you want a fantasy story with a more philosophical undertone, you should check out The Encyclopedia of Early Earth, a beautiful collection of stories about Gods, monsters, kings, medicine men, brothers and sisters and true love.

I would recommend Saga for a more mature audience because it contains graphic and sexual scenes. This series is amazing in every possible way. The artwork is impeccable and the plot will make you devour the pages in seconds. There are currently 9 volumes but honestly I want hundreds!

Nothing like the perfect classic…

There are obviously so many classics to choose from, but I coulnd’t pass up the opportunity to recommend three of my favourites that I’ve read this year: The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas, 1984 by George Orwell and Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.

The Count of Monte Cristo

1984

Frankenstein

Back in time…

These books are for those people who love going back in time and immerse themselves in a world rich in history. If you have any relatives or friends who do not read that often but love watching historical fiction films or series, then I think these books would be right up their alley. City of Thieves, Atonement, All the Light we cannot See and The Book Thief are all set during WWII but in different countries: Russia, England, France and Germany.

The Miniaturist is set during 17th century Amsterdam and is a beautiful and mysterious story with a magical undertone. The Invention of Hugo Cabret is also magical in it’s own way and truly heartwarming. It is set in 1930 Paris and is filled with intricate drawings that make you feel like you’re watching a silent movie instead of reading the book.

Unlike the previously mentioned books, Homegoing takes place on a span of a number of years, following multiple generations of the same family, each with their own struggles and hardships. You can check out my review here.

  For those who love to scare themselves to death:

  Non-ficiton…

A book about introverts, a series about different artists and a book about the history of humankind. All of them are captivating in their own way.

And last but not least, you can never go wrong with some gorgeous editions of books. There are so many to choose from so it was really hard to narrow it down!

Penguin Orange Collection series: a beautiful collection that showcases twelve influential and beloved American classics, such as East of Eden by John Steinbeck, On the Road by Jack Kerouac and The Crucible by Arthur Miller.

Penguin Clothbound Classics: Bound in cloth and with a unique design for each book, these editions are beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside.

Penguin F. Scott Fitzgerald Hardback Collection: These gorgeous and vibrant covers evoke the glamour and beauty of the 1920s and they complement Fitzgerald’s writing perfectly.

Penguin Classics Deluxe Editions: These gorgeous editions are a literal marriage of art and literature, with a unique interpretation of famous classics represented in their creative covers.

The Penguin Classics book: a perfect reader’s companion to the largest collection of classics literature, encompassing over 500 authors and introducing you to thousand of classic books. Basically this is the kind of book that makes you buy even more books!

What We See In The Stars by Kelsey Oseid:  A beautifully illustrated and highly informative book about the stars, constellations, planets and the beauty of the night sky.  It’s a great introduction to a very complex topic with wonderful illustrations and overall design.

Harry Potter Hogwarts House Editions: These books would truly make the perfect gift for your Potterhead friends!

Do you have any gift ideas in mind? I hope you all have a lovely Christmas!

x

Book Gift Guide Christmas is around the corner and we're probably all trying to figure out what we want to give to our loved ones.

[megabadbunny]

For the DxR fic meme: Nine x Rose; 01 G ☯

(Nine x Rose, Jackie’s flat, midnight, Rose’s diary; from @doctorroseprompts )

***

He knows he shouldn’t, and yet, here he is.

(But it’s not exactly his fault, is it? If she didn’t wanthim to see it, maybe she shouldn’t have left it lying around all public in theopen, conspicuous and winking at him and daring him to take a little peek,wriggling its (figurative) hips like a minx in red throwing a perfumed kissover one shoulder. Never mind the fact that it wasn’t lying around in public somuch as it was in her room, that it wasn’t in the open so much as it was tuckedunder her mattress.)

The Doctor glances around furtively, even though he knows noone will catch him in the act; the flat is empty of any other living thing,save for him and the dust motes colonizing the space beneath the rug. Rose andher oddity of a mum have whisked off somewhere or other (“a proper girls’night”, Jackie might’ve said, or might not have, as the Doctor might not havebeen listening) and Jack is goodness-knows-where with goodness-knows-whom, sothe Doctor figures he’s got a good few hours to himself before anyone returns.And he’s got to find some way to occupy himself, hasn’t he?

(Besides, it isn’t as if he went snooping specifically for it.More like, he snooped, and there it conveniently was. Also, he’s bored.)

Plunking himself down on her bed—not nearly as soft or plushas her TARDIS bed, he thinks with a smirk—the Doctor opens the book to thefirst page.

Dear dairy readsthe first line.

The Doctor chuckles. There is no date scrawled anywhere onthe page, but the scribbles and misspellings amidst very careful and deliberatestrokes tell the Doctor these words were written by someone who had only recentlylearned penmanship, and was determined to do it well.

Dear dairy

Hello how are you? Myname is Rose Marion Tyler. It is my brithday today I am 6 years old.

It’s almost impossible to imagine Rose ever being so young;far easier to picture her emerging fully-grown and stubborn-willed and jeopardy-friendlystraight from inception. But the Doctor tries, and in his mind’s eye he canalmost see her sitting on the bed—no, lying on it, stomach-down, her sock-cladfeet kicking idly in the air. Her hair, unbleached and light brown, would be pulledback into a ponytail, held in place by one of those what d’you-call-it’s. A scrunchie. Her head would bend down inconcentration over the diary as she clutched her pen tightly in her small fist.The Doctor imagines the pen to be pink, glittery, one of those gel-things, hopelesslyand wonderfully childish and girly, and his grin broadens.

Mummy and me had aparty in the park and Lottie and Fred cud not come but Shireen was there andMickey to and his gran and my grandad Prentis. Grandad brung cake from thestore it has had a heart drawed on and my name and there were candels.We had ice cream to. And I had prezents there was a barby and shoes and a newbell for my bike…

The list continues and the Doctor rolls his eyes fondly.Clearly, six-year-old Rose had decided to commit only the most pertinent ofdetails to memory. He flips through perhaps the first quarter of the diary, pausingat a mention of Mickey here, a drawing of a flower there, and watches as Rose’shandwriting grows more confident, her entries more substantial. Her diary is amicrocosm of her adventures with mates, days at school, developing crushes, thelikeability of some of Jackie’s boyfriends and the caddishness of others. Atrandom, the Doctor slips a finger between the pages and opens the diarymid-entry, perhaps a year or two along its timeline.

and it felt awful butI didnt say anything bc he was right I dont have a dad but Keisha got angry andtold him to butt out and mind his own business. So then Nick laughed and madefun of Keisha bout her mum and I thot Keisha might cry so I punched Nick in thenose and it bled and the head teacher says I cant come back to school for aweek. Mum says Im in trouble but she didnt stop granddad from buying me a 99 onthe way home and she said next time do a slap its easier on the nuckles.

The Doctor can just picture Rose, eight years old, eyesflashing and stance wide as she bloodies some little twerp’s nose with herfist. Now that—that is a Rose he has no trouble imagining. Laughing, the Doctorshakes his head and flips to a later entry.

8 Nov 1996

Dear diary,

We went to go see Dad yesterday.

The Doctor pauses, hesitates. He knows what the words mean—they’refigurative, not literal, because it would be another eleven years before Rose sawany more of Pete Tyler than old photos and a grave—but the memory of the daynine years earlier still sends a shiver down his spine, clenches something inhis gut in a guilty-sick feeling he can’t quite explain.

Mum told me the storyagain. She seemed all right definitely better than the last time. I think thephotos help. Granddad came to and I don’t think he rly liked Dad very much buthe was nice about him today nicer than on other days. Afterwards Mum went todrop me off with Mickey but he said she needed me so I went on home and she seemeda little happier but she still cried a bit.

The Doctor wrinkles his nose. Something about Mickey theIdiot doing a good turn makes him grumpy. Who does that idiot think he is,anyway?

We had tea and fellasleep in front of the telly. I wanted to make her dinner but there was nothingin and I couldnt find anything in her purse so I went down to Ms Nodd’s bc she’sout seeing her grandson and I got the spare key from under her flower pot and Ilooked in her bedroom and found a few pounds and took them. I bought Mum aChinese from her favourite place and she didnt ask where I got the money so I didnttell her. I dont think Ms Nodd would know it was me that took it but I stillfeel bad I just didnt know what else to do. Ill pay her back when I get somemoney for my bday.

Nice old bird, that Ms Nodd. Much nicer than some of theother tenants on the Estate, with her blue-tinged hair and cheerful smile andwithered old hands that freely distribute home-baked biscuits to errant TimeLords who just happen to be handy with a squeaky front door. The Doctor makes amental note to liberate an ATM of a couple hundred-pound-notes at his earliestopportunity and slip them into her flat.

He reads a few more pages—comfortably silly stuff, all ofit, more crushes and rants about school and discussions of celebrities andfashion and Rose’s favorite things on telly—until his fingers land on an oddlybrittle page, warped in places, buckling. Several of the words are nearlyimpossible to discern, smudged as they are, and it takes the Doctorapproximately .003 seconds to identify the water marks as tears.

(There’s no dear diaryhere, no date. The words simply begin, as if writing anything more than theabsolutely necessary would take too much energy. Like it would hurt too much.)

Granddad’s gone.

The Doctor sighs, and his hearts each break a little foryoung Rose, curled up in her bed and crying bitter tears into her pillow. Tenyears old is far too young to experience the cruelty of such a loss. But it isn’tas if it gets any easier at any other age. The Doctor knows that to be painfullytrue.

Had a heart attack.Doctors said he went in his sleep and didn’t feel anything. I hope that’s true.Mum said he’s with the angels now but that’s stupid. The angels don’t need him wedo. I already miss him.

Mum can’t stop crying.I wish Dad was here.

And there’s that feeling again in the Doctor’s gut, thesquirmy-sicky one. Almost as if his stomach knows he shouldn’t be doing this,like his body is punishing him. It was all well and good reading about the funfrivolities of a carefree primary-schooler, but this sort of thing—this issomething else. Something deep and personal, a compound fracture of emptinessand hurt. The Doctor knows should stop reading now. He really should.

(He doesn’t.)

It takes a few weeks for the mentions of Granddad Prentice tostart fading, but eventually, they do, fading away to be gradually replaced bythe normality of everyday life. Sometimes months pass between diary-entries;other times, years. The Doctor smiles as he glances over recountings of schooldays and formals and skipping classes, of Jackie’s eccentric cluster of boyfriends,of fights with friends and happy makings-up after, of holidays and gossip andhopes for the future. The day Rose and Shireen fall out over a boy is marked byan obscene amount of swearing and words crossed-out and pencil-punctures dugdeep into the page; the day Mickey asks Rose to be his girlfriend is noted withexclamation points and a lipgloss-kiss.

The day Rose meets Jimmy Stone is noted with a single heartthat simply reads Mrs Rose Stone.

Grimacing at the words, the Doctor forces himself to presson.

OMG met this bloke Jimmyyesterday n he was soooo fit reads the next entry. Shireen and Keisha and me went down the pub and he was playing in theband and I thot he fancied Keisha at first but after he asked for my number ♡ ♡ ♡I kno it doesn’t mean nothing so I didn’ttell Mickey cos no point in him worrying and he gets so jealous anyway lol

Awww, poor jealous ickle Mickey, thinks the Doctor. He snortsderisively. Human beings—so quick to such petty reactions. He’s very glad hedoesn’t have to worry about silly things like that.

Still, it’s a little surprising when, just a few pages later,things have already progressed by leaps and bounds. Jimmy kissed me! leaps out from the page, followed by things like Mickey and me had a fight and Snuck out to hear Jimmy play downtownand Went to the cinema with Jimmy and he puthis hand up my sk

Hearts hammering, the Doctor flips past that page before hiskeen eyes have a chance to read any further. For some reason, the thought ofJimmy putting his hand up anything of Rose’s—indeed, of Jimmy or some otherfool even thinking about touching her, anywhere, with anything—makes him burn abit under the collar. Unpleasant, that. Maybe he’d better take a look at Jackie’sthermostat, make sure it’s doing its job, because it certainly doesn’t feellike it.

(Still, he skips the several pages that follow, just to besafe.)

said if Iwalked out that door I’d better not walk back in and you know what screw her.She’s wasted her whole life crying about Dad and never doing anything withherself and never doing anything for me. I hate her I would rather die then belike her

Eyes widening in surprise, the Doctor quickly scans over thenext few pages, his concern deepening by the second.

love Jimmy andno one can tell me any different and if Mum really knew what love was then she’dunderstand

Im so glad I’mwith him now he gets me like no one else ever has or ever will, ♡ him forever

didnt want totake my a-levels anyway not like it means anything out in the real world

moving into aflat together next week can’t wait ♡♡♡

and I love himbut I wish he’d get a job cos the gigs don’t make enough n I can’t covereverything on my own

came home drunkagain last night n wouldnt tell me where he’d been

told me I’dbetter cough up the rest of the rent by next weekend or else he would

And then, nothing.

The Doctor frowns. Whatever he would do is left unexplained, torn away along with a wholecluster of pages in the diary, leaving a ragged little scar behind where wordsand feelings used to sit. The Doctor runs a finger along the page-stumps leftin the spine, and wonders.

What could have happened that was so bad that even the memoryof it had to be ripped away?

The next entry picks up a few weeks later. It does notmention Jimmy. Instead, the page displays only a handful of lonely words:

He wasright. I’m so stupid.

It takes a moment for the Doctor to realize that the diaryis shaking in his hands. But that’s only because he’s gripping it so tightlyhis knuckles are glowing bright white in an attempt to jump out of his skin. Andsuddenly he’s glad, in quite a perverse way, that he has witnessed thedestruction of the Reapers firsthand, because otherwise the temptation to pilotthe TARDIS back in time to ensure that Jimmy Stone never hurt Rose—that henever so much as existed, never so much as blighted this planet with even asingle vile breath—would be so strong that he’s not entirely sure he’d be ableto stop himself.

Forcing himself to calm, the Doctor skips forward, hopefullyto an entry that won’t cause hisblood to boil angrily in his ears. Now phrases like moved back in with Mum today and applied at Henriks greet his eyes, and he feels the muscles in hisshoulders begin to relax.

and a sweet ginger boy’sstarted coming round, Mum named him Jonesy

but the new job’s notso bad

going out to the clubswith Shireen

Mickey stopped by withflowers today and it was like nothing had ever gone wrong

anyway we’re datingagain

nothing’ll come of itbut some blokes won in Bristol last week so who knows, maybe we’ll win a littlesomething n I could get Mum something nice

a little boring Iguess but prolly about the best I can expect for now

So my job blew uptoday???

Now a grin spreads across the Doctor’s face, lighting it upfrom ear-to-ear. Finally. Took longenough to get here. Now for the reallygood stuff.

Fingers tingling in anticipation, he turns the page.

Nothing.

The Doctor flips through the remaining pages, hunting forsomething, anything, but nothing buta sea of white greets his eyes, winking up at him obnoxiously without so muchas a single date or scribble or scrawl to capture his attention. The rest ofthe diary is completely, utterly blank.

Huffing in irritation, the Doctor sits back, flipping thebook closed with a scowl. It makes a certain sense, he supposes, but still.Really? She’ll write about ice cream and Barbies and school gossip and Mickeythe Idiot but no mention of the TARDIS, no asides about traveling through timeand space, no discussion of Dickens or Slitheen or bitchy trampolines or 900year-old Time Lords taking her by the hand to show her anything her littleheart could ever possibly—

CLANG.

“I just found it!” blurts out the Doctor without eventhinking, pushing off the bed and whirling round to face Rose’s open bedroomdoorway. But no one stands there; indeed, if his superior hearing is anythingto go by (and it usually is), there’s no one within several meters of him, certainlyno one in the flat. And the continuing ding-dang-dongbell’s sound, ringing at twelve lazy but significant intervals, informs himthat his nervousness was for naught—it’s just Jackie’s old grandfather clock,noisily (and unnecessarily, the Doctor thinks with a grump) proclaiming thetime.

It’s midnight. Probably Rose and Jackie will be home soon. Andprobably he shouldn’t let them know he was nosing through Rose’s diary.

(Even if it wasn’t his fault, seeing as they left him aloneand bored and unoccupied in the flat, and even if he didn’t find what he waslooking for—even if he’s not entirely certain what that was.)

As he slips the diary back into its hiding-place beneathRose’s mattress, it occurs to him that there are any number of reasons Rosemight not be writing things in a diary any more—she forgot it at home, or she’stoo tired after their adventures, or too distracted, or maybe she’s even got anew one aboard the TARDIS, hidden somewhere equally silly. But there’s anotheroption too, he realizes; that she’s simply too happy to see the need forwriting things down, that she is too busy living her memories to think of takingthe time to document them. The thought warms him, contentment blooming in hischest, and he leaves Rose’s room with a smile, closing the door behind him.

(He still checks her room on the TARDIS just in case.)

***

part ii

[artificialqueens]

Hypnotized Ch.2 (Trixya)

AN- Thank you guys for the super-duper nice response I got from chapter one. This one is from Katya’s POV, and I decided to skip calling them ‘Brian and Brian’ just for the sake of not confusing myself, haha. Also, TW- Mentions of drug addiction and thoughts of weight loss. I think that’s it. Please excuse me if I missed anything. Happy readings, my doves!

Katya wondered whether or not he would ever have those feelings of wanting to ‘jump on pink clouds and shit diamonds’, or, what saner people than himself would describe as love. He had never been in a serious relationship with anyone, unless you counted the girlfriends he had before he was officially out of the closet. He loved them dearly, but even then, if you were to disregard the fact that he wasn’t really into women – he still felt a sense of wanting to get away whenever someone would get too close to him. That had coloured the rest of his dating life in the aspect of him only getting laid on occasion, but never meeting a solid boyfriend.

He had endured several conversations with his mother on why that was, because all she really wanted for him was to find someone that could carry him forward when he didn’t have the strength to do it for himself. Where he saw opportunities to live his life on his own premises, she saw bitter loneliness. When he laid in bed, really having to get up to meet Alaska in approximately two hours, he stayed under his sheets – trying to find an answer as to why he had functioned the way that he had for his entire adult life. He guessed that his depression and social anxiety had always played a big part in it. He was the type of person that could really be described as an introvert. Sure, he had made a career out of preforming in packed clubs and bars, but the price he had to pay for that he made up for abundantly in being alone when he got home. If he had a boyfriend, his personal space would be severely compromised. He had seen that possibility with quite a few men in his time, but since it hadn’t ever gone somewhere – it seemed unnecessary to dwell on it.

Then there was of course, his addiction. He had spent so much time being ashamed of who he was – and frankly, not really seeing a way out of his self-made misery. Being a drug addict wasn’t fun, which was of course pretty obvious to anyone that didn’t do drugs, but when he had looked himself in a mirror and realized that he was deteriorating before his very eyes; that was when he knew that he had to change. This time, it would be for good. He wanted to be someone that at the very least stood a chance of finding happiness, but as it turns out, the remnants of his addiction would forever be lurking by his side.

At the end of the day, he simply had no idea how anyone could stand to be around him as much as a relationship required. That was of course, before he had met the ever so fabulous Trixie Mattel. Whilst they were shooting Drag Race, they had gotten increasingly closer. Brian would lurk around in the hallway of their hotel, waiting for his friend to sneak him into his room. They would gossip about the other queens, Katya would talk about his life – and there it was, the blooming friendship that they had turned into a business opportunity.

He had known quite early on that he was attracted to the younger man, but had dismissed it as just wanting to fuck him. Nothing had ever prepared him for the bomb that was to come, when he had realized that there was so much more than just horniness that lurked within his chaotic mind.

“Okay, if we’re definitely sharing a bed – I want to apologize in advance for any snoring or sleep talking.” Trixie chuckled before he slipped under the sheets of their large bed. Katya had already crept under there, having wrapped a towel over his otherwise naked body before he had laid down. There was nothing like taking a shower after a gig and then slipping into a big, comfy bed.

“I’ll have to warn you as well mother, underneath this damp towel, I am completely naked.” Katya replied in his ‘Maureen’-voice that always made Trixie giggle. This time, he snorted and laughed tiredly. “I’m literally so tired that I don’t even care. Just don’t accidentally slip it in when I’m sleeping.”

This made Katya wheeze with laughter as he imagined that particular scenario in his head. He turned in the bed so he was facing Trixie, a wide smirk on his face. “This is the time where we’re supposed to share secrets and express radical religious values.”

Trixie turned around to face him as well, brown eyes meeting blue ones. They were both leaning down on their hands, which probably made the entire situation seem more innocent than it actually was. They had shared a bed before, which had never been a problem since nothing had ever happened. But this time, something seemed different. Katya could see in Trixie’s eyes that he was up to something. That same objectivity that he usually treated Katya with seemed to be gone, based on the looks that he was giving him; they were alluring and curious.

“Okay, I’ll play. I thought you looked really beautiful tonight.” Trixie murmured, which made Katya blush involuntarily.

“Well, thank you. The elderly hag still has some game.” Katya joked, trying to lighten the mood. He knew that getting into something with Trixie probably wasn’t the best idea. Then again, he had never been one to deny himself anything. So, whatever invitation he thought he got, it was in his nature to be drawn towards it.

“Could you cuddle me? I’m feeling lonely and desperate.” Trixie asked, making Katya furrow her brows. He knew that it might turn out to be a bad idea, but nonetheless, he opened his arms up and let the other Brian crawl into his embrace. Trixie leaned his head underneath Katya’s chin and sighed with contentment when Katya let his arm drape over him and draw him close to his chest. “Are you trying to wife me up? Because it’s working.” He mumbled, not so much an innocent question as it was an attempt to decipher what was happening.

“I don’t know if I could marry someone with so much integrity and grace – I’d feel inadequate.” Trixie replied with a snort, her usual dry sense of humour returning. Katya smiled to himself and drew the queen closer to him. “Go to sleep before you use up all of your big words, you cunt.” He muttered before dozing off.

He woke again when he felt a small hand drawing circles on his hip. He peeked one eye open and saw that Trixie had leaned back, now staring right at him with big, dark eyes. “Fuck, you scared me.” He gasped, wanting to know what was worth nearly giving him a heart attack. He had always been very skittish and extremely wired, so the slightest thing threatened to make him jump out of his skin.

“I just want to try something.” Trixie replied huskily, and then started to lean in. Katya stared in awe at his friend as he got closer and closer, not really knowing what to do. The only thing he did know for certain was that he did not want to deny himself some intimacy, so when Brian Firkus’s lips touched his own, he immediately kissed him back with equal fervour. The kiss was short, but incredibly sweet. When Trixie pulled away, Katya immediately missed his touch. “What was that for?” he inquired, a thin brow cocked to mark his confusion.

Trixie rolled his eyes and then leaned in to press another chaste kiss to his friend’s lips. He pulled away just enough in order to murmur quietly: “I really need this right now.”

That was all he needed to hear. They spent the following hour just lying there in each other’s arms, kissing and giggling. It was a wonderful evening, but they didn’t speak of it the next day. There wasn’t any need to; they knew that it was just a matter of two friend’s enjoying the company of one another when there wasn’t any trade around to fill that position. Just two friends. Nothing more.

Over time, Katya had begun to get more and more attached. He knew that he shouldn’t have let Trixie kiss him the other day, but he was still unable to deny that man anything. He genuinely hoped that they would have a real chance of trying to figure out what they were once Jack was out of the picture. He had nothing against Trixie’s boyfriend, in fact, it was quite the contrary. He actually liked the guy. Had he not, he would have let the plastic fantasy have his way with him, right there in his own hallway. But that wasn’t who Brian McCook was anymore, it couldn’t be. So there he was, twenty-four hours had passed, and he was still waiting for a confirmation that they were good to go. Trixie had sent him a text, saying that he had to wait until Jack got back from work. How it had turned out, Katya had no idea. He honestly didn’t know what to do if it didn’t work out in his favour this time around.

After he had dragged his body out of bed, managed to throw on a pair of clean black jeans and his ‘Madonna’ t-shirt, he headed out of the door to meet Alaska. They had agreed to meet up at the closest Starbucks as they had a lot of formalities to go through with their podcast. Katya was enjoying the fact that he got to do all sorts of things after being on TV, but it felt strange to be involved in something with a brand new person. Alaska wasn’t new in his life per se, but they had never worked together in anything other than drag shows. Well, there was always that time where he lost the crown to her, ‘but that’s neither here nor there’ he thought to himself with a smirk. As he strutted down the streets, he lit up a cigarette to take a few puffs as he headed towards his target.

Alaska, or Justin, was already there when Katya arrived. He had no idea why anyone would say that Justin wasn’t attractive as a man. He loved Alaska dearly and thought she was sexy as hell, but Justin had this confident aura that Katya envied. “Hello there creature of the night.” Katya greeted his friend as he sat down at the small, outdoor table that Alaska had picked out for them. Katya smiled as she saw a barista approaching them with two huge Frappuccino’s. His friend knew him too well. “I figured that I might as well just order for you. You’ve gotten so skinny lately I feel like shoving straight up fat down your throat.” Alaska remarked in her raspy voice, prompting Katya to huff as she took a gulp from her frozen drink.

“I thought I should start giving Violet a run for her money.”

Truthfully, Katya hated the way he looked. After he had been on the road for so much, the small amount of weight he had been able to put on just fizzled away. Now, he worked too much to get a grip on his diet. Someone like Violet or Pearl managed to look sexy as hell despite of her fragile figures, but Katya felt like he was too old for that. He was nearly thirty-five years old, his body wasn’t supposed to look the way that it did. He also enjoyed flaunting curves as Katya – that was beginning to be a difficult thing to accomplish, pads could only do so much. When all of his costumes had begun to look droopy, he had lost his will do sew them in any further. It didn’t help that Trixie was constantly on his case about it, Katya suspected that the younger queen had begun to get suspicious if there was something else going on.

“So, how’s life? Are you and Brian getting along?” Alaska asked curiously. Katya had wanted to confide in someone that knew both him and Trixie, but the result was that Alaska asked him about it constantly.

“We are like two dysfunctional peas in a pod. Well, at least I hope we still are.” Katya replied with a shrug, not really sure if he should tell Alaska what had happened the other night. By the looks of his friend, however, he was probably not going to be able to keep it from him.

“Did you have another fight? Fuck.” Alaska exclaimed, shaking his head at his friends’ nonsense. “No, we didn’t have another fight. We, uh, quite the opposite, actually.” Katya rambled and then took another sip of her drink to collect his thoughts.

Alaska cocked one of his brows and chuckled. “You whore.”

Katya let out a wheezy laugh, flailing his arms around. “No, no, no! I was good and stopped it, I promise. He’s still got a boyfriend, so there’s that. Please don’t tell me that I’m being shady, because I didn’t start it and he promised that he would end it with his guy, so I’m just waiting for that call and – “Katya barely noticed that he had gone on a long tirade before Alaska interrupted him mid-rant:

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is that, even though I live for Trixie, it wasn’t that long ago that he completely shattered your heart. He outright told you that you needed to find someone else to ‘claw onto’ or some shit like that. I don’t know, just set some standards for yourself. Don’t be that compliant.” Alaska sighed, apparently not holding back for the sake of Katya’s feelings. People rarely did.

Of course, in some way, he knew that his friend was right. Katya rarely made a case for himself, which in turn resulted in him often drawing the short straw from different relationships. It was true of course that Trixie had hurt him really badly, but none of it seemed to matter when he finally got the confirmation that he wasn’t being crazy or ‘just Katya’ – it was reciprocated, and the younger man did feel something for him. In light of that, Katya knew that he needed to defend his love. “I get where you’re coming from, but trust me – it’s going to be okay.”

———————–

Later that evening, Katya was getting ready for a gig. She still hadn’t heard a word from Trixie, and now she was beginning to feel incredibly anxious. She should have known that this would happen, because nothing would ever work out in Brian McCook’s favour. Trixie had probably changed his mind, again, and Brian would be alone – yet again.

A few hours later, the crowd was roaring at her. When Katya was on stage, she liked to think that she was a real, biological woman. She often claimed that to be the case whenever she was in drag, but especially when she was in her true element; which was near a crowd. After having just finished a song, she prepared to spout some final words of wisdom when she saw a familiar face in the crowd. Standing right there, next to one of his friends was Trixie. Brian Firkus was officially in the building and it drove Katya to the brink of insanity. They locked eyes over the crowd, and Trixie offered her a tired smile.

Katya had no idea how she should feel. Unfortunately, she was not given a lot of time to digest it all before she realized that the crowd was waiting for her, so she snapped out of her trance. What came out of her mouth after that was something ill-advised, improvised and just all around impulsive:

“You know who else is in the building? We’ve got the one and only legend, icon and star in her own mind; Trixie Mattel!” Katya shouted into the microphone, which made the crowd go absolutely wild. She could see Trixie roll her eyes and smile awkwardly at the people that turned around to greet her.

“Ha, oh my God. Sorry Tracy. Listen, you guys…” Katya drifted off, noticing that all eyes were on her again. There were two ways that this could go. Either, she could control herself and say something sweet – or, she could go into a deeply embarrassing rant that would most likely make Trixie angry. She chose the latter.

“Barbara, I did do it. I did try to… fuck her. You’d better believe it.” After that, a long rhapsody of her attempts to sleep with Brian Firkus just flew out of her mouth. She admitted that she had nearly succeeded, and noticed in that moment that Brian was making his way out of the crowd. Desperation now came into play, as Katya had no intentions of making the possible love of her life leave the room.

“I am willing to Thelma and Louise it off that fiscal cliff with that ho’ any day. She’s the one I think of when I get out of bed in the morning, and I go ‘whyy’ and then I think of her and I’m all like ‘why not? Whatever, it’s fun, yeah’.”

She had hoped that this would make Trixie stay, and it seemed like she succeeded in her attempts as the brown eyed man swirled around and laughed at her words. Katya winked to the crowd and then took a bow. After she had entered her dressing room, the process of taking Katya off had never gone quicker. She needed to find him. After Katya had thrown on his grey sweatpants and zipped up a green hoodie over his chest, it was time to go out the back. Once he did, he strode out in hopes of locating his friend.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and assumed that it was a drunk fan that wanted to get a picture with him, which was typically the case. He sighed and turned around, ready to tell the person that he was a little busy at the moment, when he saw the object of his desire. Trixie stood there, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Hey.” He greeted Katya, who just stood there, looking sufficiently sheepish.

“Hi.”

“So you’d actually toss yourself off of a cliff with me? That seems excessive.” Trixie retorted, crossing his arms over his toned chest.

“As the kids say, it’s just an expression. I wasn’t expecting to see you, I thought you had bailed on me again.” Katya pointed out, wanting to remember Alaska’s cautionary words and keep his guard up. Trixie cocked his head to the side and studied Katya’s stand offish exterior.

“I had a long night. Jack didn’t get home until late last night, and then we spent nearly four hours just fighting and crying. He left this morning.” Trixie explained, sadness washing over his features. Katya felt awful for Jack, he really did, but a flare of hope rose in his chest at the words that were coming out of Trixie’s mouth. Given the circumstances, the flare was kept relatively small for protection – but it was still there.

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he say?” Katya asked, not really knowing what else to say in a situation like that. He didn’t want to expect anything.

“He told me that he was disappointed in me, and that he thought he knew me better than that. He questioned the fact that I would get into something with you, given your background…” Trixie explained, making Katya feel like the smallest man on the face of the earth. The fact that people still held his past against him felt like a punch in the gut. He understood that Jack was upset and obviously did not need to feel any form of responsibility for Katya, but it still hurt. He remembered the time when Vicky Vox had gone after him, claiming that he needed help more than he needed stardom. Because all she saw was a drug addict in recovery. Nothing more, nothing less.

“… And I told him that had nothing to do with it. I don’t care. I am pissed that you talked about that just now, but I’m going to let it slide for a bit because right now I really just want to kiss you, take you home and fuck your brains out.” Trixie continued, making Katya cough out of surprise. He knew that he shouldn’t. He should do this the ‘right’ way, but nothing could stop him from rushing forward and engulfing Trixie in a deep hug.

He leaned his head back and pressed his lips forcefully to Trixie’s own. The kiss was different this time. Nothing was holding them back, so Katya had no qualms about biting down on his lover’s bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. He heard a small low, guttural moan emit from Trixie’s throat, which only spurred him on even more. He slipped his tongue in and pressed Trixie even closer to his body. It felt like they had been standing there for forever when Katya finally drew back from their embrace and waggled his eyebrows. “Let’s get out of here, shall we?”

“Oh fuck yes.”

[whittertwitter]

So this last flashback is a bit...different from the others. It’s triggered by Mercer mentioning pirates, and I do mean trigger; Beckett’s recollection is more detached than in other flashbacks, which I think is, from a Watsonian view, a defense mechanism and, from a Doylist view, to prevent it from being too dark.

After Mercer left his office, Cutler Beckett sat in silence, as visions once again filled his mind's eye. But these visions, unlike the previous ones, were grim and terrifying—the stuff of nightmares that still plagued him.

After he'd left home so precipitously to work for the EITC, young Cutler Beckett had only worked in the London office for a few months. Once his superiors had verified that he was competent, they'd assigned him to a tour of duty at the EITC office on Gibraltar. Beckett had boarded the Lindesfarme in London, excited to be fulfilling his ambition of seeing the world.

All had gone well with the voyage until, off the coast of Spain, the Lindesfarme was captured by pirates—taken without a single shot being fired. Herded up on deck by the pirate crew of Le Requin, Beckett, seething with fury, had stood with the other passengers, many incoherent or weeping with terror. Finally, the pirate captain appeared. He was a handsome villain who wore an elegant emerald coat. Moving with a leisurely swagger, he'd inspected his captives in silence, then introduced himself as “Captain de Rapièr.”

While his crew of cutthroats stripped the Lindesfarme of everything valuable, the captain interviewed his captives, so he could decide whether they should be held for ransom or sold into slavery.

When the captain approached Cutler, the eighteen-year-old, in a red rage at having his career plans thwarted, defied him, demanding their release, promising that he'd see them all hang. At first Captain de Rapièr had been amused by Beckett's audacity and spirit, chuckling at him as though he were a cute, but yappy, puppy. Then Cutler had unwisely informed the captain that the cut of his elegant coat and its fastenings was considered completely out of fashion in both London and Paris. Seeing from Captain de Rapièr's expression that he'd finally scored a palpable hit, Cutler had then laughed in his face.

First, I find the description of Beckett as  “a cute, but yappy, puppy” hilarious. Second, I know there’s a lot of meta about how Jack and Elizabeth are alike, and how Jack and Beckett are alike, but not how Elizabeth and Beckett are alike. And from what The Price of Freedom has revealed about Beckett’s back story, they do have a lot in common. Both had a fascination with pirates as children, both dreamed of seeing the world, both struggled with the gender roles forced on them...and, from this passage, both respond to danger by going up to the person responsible and yelling “FIGHT ME!”

The pirate captain got his revenge by turning Cutler over to his crew, saying they could “play” with this one. With cries of joy, the pirate crew slapped young Beckett around, then formed a gauntlet and spanked him with the flat of their swords. But that was just the beginning of his ordeal.

Stripping him naked, they hoisted him upside down, to dangle fifty feet in the air. Cutler had hung there, spinning slowly, hearing them laugh, too terrified to struggle. By the time they'd lowered him down, he was choking and sobbing incoherently. Captain de Rapièr had laughed uproariously.

As other people have noted, there are some rape implications in this part. (Which I probably should have included in the list of trigger warnings at the beginning. Oops.) Now, I don’t think that’s what the author intended, but Death of the Author is quite literally in play here, so people are free to interpret it how they please.

The worst threat was yet to come. As Cutler lay sprawled on the deck, surrounded by the jeering cutthroats, several of them announced their intention of torturing him. They took out their knives, remarking that he really didn't need all of his fingers and toes, did he?

Before the pirates could fulfill their threat, Beckett, terrified beyond reason, had simply... gone away, just as he had that long-ago day outside the schoolhouse. His glassy, unblinking stare and uncanny stillness had spooked the superstitious pirates. Even when they prodded him to the point of drawing blood, he failed to react. Uneasily, Cutler's would-be torturers had backed away; they'd wanted a lively, thrashing victim. A near-catatonic one was... unappealing. Muttering about demonic possession, they'd left him alone.

By the time Beckett recovered his wits, and was allowed to put on what was left of his clothing, all of his earlier defiance was gone. Tears streaking his face, he'd confessed to Captain de Rapièr that he came from a wealthy family, and that they should send their ransom demand to Jonathan Beckett. Cutler also told the captain that he worked for the EITC, and this bit of information, unthinkingly revealed, would be his salvation.

Having dispatched the ransom notices, the pirates anchored off a remote section of the Spanish coast to wait for replies. To pass the time, the crew put the captives to work, forcing them—in some cases using the lash—to perform the most difficult, menial, and disgusting shipboard chores. They assigned Cutler to cleaning the bilges, a task so revolting it was the equivalent of trying to empty a sewer, bucket by bucket.

As the weeks went by, the ship grew fearfully clean, ransom money arrived, and Beckett's fellow passengers were freed. But no word arrived from Jonathan Beckett. Cutler watched other captives exchanged for ransom money day-by-day, week-by-week, until he was the only one left.

With a bitterness that scoured his soul of whatever remnants of kindness and decency it still possessed, Cutler realized that his father had gotten the ultimate revenge for the accusations his son had hurled at him during their last meeting—he'd ignored the ransom demand.

Okay, this bit is rather on the nose, but I do find it heartbreaking that after everything his father had said and done to him, Beckett thought he had enough love for him to be there for him when he needed it most. Aaand he wasn’t.

Rather than spend his life as a slave, Cutler resolved to seize any opportunity to leap overboard and end it all. But, at the last possible moment, the captain received a letter from the EITC. An EITC official had authorized the office to offer a modest sum for the return of their new employee. The official who had signed the letter offering the ransom was none other than Viscount, Lord Penwallow.

(Headcanon that Jane flipped her shit when she found out what daddy dearest did and went to the EITC to petition on Cutler’s behalf, and that it was a combination of her testimony and his own job performance that moved Lord Penwallow to action.) 

Captain de Rapièr had sneeringly announced to Beckett that the ransom offered by the EITC was probably more than young Cutler would fetch in a slave auction, undersized and scrawny as he was, so he'd decided to let him go. The exchange was arranged.

After Captain de Rapièr had gotten the ransom money, he turned Cutler loose. Reeking, starving, and scarred, the young man stumbled back onto dry land. The first thing Beckett had done when he reached his post in Gibraltar was was to write a letter to the EITC official, Lord Penwallow, thanking him for the EITC's faith in him, and promising to pay back the ransom amount.

Pay it back he had, and the next ten years had seen him rise rapidly in the EITC ranks.

Beckett had never spoken a word about his ordeal to anyone. He still suffered from nightmares, dreams where he was lying on the deck of the Lindesfarme, unable to move, while filthy, leering faces peered down at him, spat on him, and stabbed him with cutlasses. Some men might have turned to drink, or gambling, or wenching in an effort to drown those memories... but that wasn't Cutler Beckett's nature. He found surcease in accumulating power. Wealth, too, but if you had power, he'd found, wealth was easy to accrue.

And once he'd taken Zerzura, his power would be increased immeasurably. A knighthood would be just the beginning...

[massthetics-blog]

New Post has been published on MASSthetics

New Post has been published on http://massthetics.net/2016-massthetics-retrospective/

Celebrating Wins, Owning Mistakes, And Taking The Next Step

CELEBRATING WINS, OWNING MISTAKES, AND TAKING THE NEXT STEP

  Four years and a few days ago, on February 18th,

I made my first foray into the wild west that is the internet.

  Armed with the decidedly non-creative of name of Alex Mullan Fitness Systems (Hi, Roman), I set forth to realize my dream of helping people become jacked, shredded, and tanned from the 15” headquarters that is my faded, sticker-riddled MacBook.

While I’m loathe to admit this, I was naive enough to entertain the thought that if I built a website and offered coaching, clients would roll in, and I’d soon be living the dream.

Financially free, able to go wherever I please, and answering to nobody aside from myself.

Naive thoughts aside, looking back, I made detrimental, glaring mistakes.

I had no idea who I wanted to speak to (no niche, no target market, no ideal client).

I didn’t know jack shit about marketing (if you want to build a business, you need to learn the basics).

As a result of not knowing who to speak to, the content I put out was sporadic, all over the map, and honestly, quite terrible.

I operated under the assumption that I could do it all myself, in spite of all the above.

….

Guess what happened?

The clients didn’t come.

I struggled to write anything.

I helped few but a small handful of people, which was far shy of what I wanted.

None of the key metrics (emails, clients, site traffic, $$) ever trended upwards.

Unsurprisingly (given my mindset), I lost interest.

Within 10 months of launching, the site became an abandoned ghost town. When it came time to renew my domain, I let it be, and turned my head as Alex Mullan Fitness Systems (of which I’d sunk about 3.5K into) sunk into the void of the internet, never to be seen again.

Deep down, the dream that pushed me to make that first foray into building a business I believe in never truly died, but it did slip to the back of my mind (for a time). The following two years saw a mixture of in-person training, slinging of overpriced lattes, leg day after leg day, and a lot of wine.

All the while, the nugget of my online dream slowly began to imperceptibly permeate my thoughts, actions, and foster a mission.

It took me two years (give or take) to begin to find answers to the glaring mistakes above.

Similar to a phoenix rising form it’s ashes, over those two years, the concept for MASSthetics slowly grew, and unfurled from the failures of Alex Mullan Fitness Systems.

Dreams and goals take time to achieve. Nothing happens overnight, and nothing great happens without an immense amount of work.

Even though I took what was more or less two years off from working towards what I wanted in a literal sense, I’d argue that it was a necessary reprieve.

Because, over those 2 years…

…I figured out who exactly I wanted to speak to.

…I came to better understand what makes me tick.

…I gained more experience of which I could draw from.

…I developed an appreciation and understanding for what it would take to make this dream a reality.

…I recognized that I couldn’t do it myself.

…And perhaps most importantly, I nurtured the confidence and audacity needed to do the damn thing.

Which meant that when the time came to answer the call to begin anew – which came in the way of Roman deciding to put forth a mastermind – I was much better prepared, knew what I needed to do, and ready to go all in.

Thanks to Flakebook’s impeccable memory, I’m reminded of what was the first day of this adventure, and appreciative of all that’s come to pass over the last 4 years.

As for today?

Today marks the first birthday of MASSthetics.

Exactly one year ago, with no idea as to what would happen, my favourite brainchild took the leap and dove

All of which has led me to pen this post upon the walls of MASSthetics, in conjunction with my personal retrospective.

Powerful thought from @sethgodin. Do you commit to making a change or transformation? Or do fall into the "transformation tourist" zone? If you're a tourist, drop a comment and let me know how I can help you flip that switch. #MASSthetics #SethGodin #FlipTheSwitch #BrainGainz #BringingZaneBack

A post shared by MASSthetics (@alexmullan13) on May 9, 2016 at 10:29am PDT

Now it’s a party

Truth be told (now that I look back), there is a lot for me to celebrate from the past year when it comes to MASSthetics. Everything from hitting my email growth targets, to building site traffic, guest posting all across the internet, adding 3 different revenue streams, and the list goes on.

I’m not here to brag (too much), or prattle on about everything that seems worthy of even a hint of celebration. Instead, I want to focus on the most impactful wins. The wins that truly helped to move the needle forward, and fed into everything from the list above.

Onward.

Big Win #1

I launched MASSthetics into the world exactly one year ago today.

As I touched on above, Alex Mullan Fitness Systems quite quickly faded into the abyss of the internet. The fact that MASSthetics has not only survived it’s first rotation around the sun, but has grown month over month, and has been able to support me, my meathdeaded lifestyle, caffeine addiction, and my zest for travel, well, that’s a win and a half.

Big Win #2

Piggybacking off of the above, I was busy slinging lattes 40+ hours per week while I worked towards getting MASSthetics to place where I could take the leap into full-blown self-employdom. For 4 months, this is what my life looked like.

330AM – wake up, have coffee, get ready for 8 hours of mainlining espresso and slinging lattes.

430AM-1PM – sling all of the lattes.

1PM-4PM – eat, have more coffee, chip away on MASSthetics.

4PM-7PM – I also happened to be moving into prep at the same time (bad idea). This is when I would eat, train, and practice posing.

7PM-11PM – A mixture of spending time with my then-girlfriend (we also trained together), and working on MASSthetics.

…Rinse and repeat. Day in, and day out.

Once I officially launched MASSthetics into the world, it took two more months before I was able to take the leap, and sling the last latte.

Needless to say, that was an absolutely hellish schedule, and being able to break free of that was a massive relief.

Big Win #3

I landed (multiple) guest posts on every website that I grew up turning to for training ideas, session inspiration, and knowledge.

T-Nation, Roman Fitness Systems, EliteFTS (where I’m now a monthly columnist), Bodybuilding.com, JMax Fitness, and more.

These are the sites I was inexplicably drawn to when I was young, dumb, and learning to navigate my way through the trials of learning how to train properly. To have come full circle and be able to contribute to these sites that I grew up admiring, well, it feels pretty damn cool.

My #teamelitefts shirts showed up just in time to trash legs today. I've gotta say, to be a part of such a respected company and collection of meatheads, is rather surreal. Also, I dig black and white. #thethickening #roadtonationals

A post shared by MASSthetics (@alexmullan13) on Jan 25, 2017 at 5:43pm PST

Opportunities for growth

It would be easy to look at the above, assess where things are, and comfortably sit back on my laurels and cruise.

But…

I can’t do that.

That ain’t me, and honestly, I’m glad that the ambition to keep pushing forward has a tight hold on me.

While there isn’t much that’s not working, the growth opportunities are more about throwing some gasoline on the fire, and fine-tuning things to run more efficiently (lead generation, content production, email list growth, etc).

Growth Opportunity #1

100% of MASSthetics’ growth has been organic. Meaning, I haven’t spent a dime on advertising or driving site traffic. All of the growth has been built off the back of guest posting 2-4 times per month, writing 2 articles per week for MASSthetics itself, emailing the MASSthetics Clan every single day, and bringing clients the results they want.

Between MASSthetics aging and my desire to see continued growth, I believe it’s time to give things a nudge, and start paying to play.

Growth Opportunity #2

Products, products, and more products.

Currently, MASSthetics offers the 8 Week Leg Assault (on sale this week), and Mullan’s Meatheads (a private group that receives exclusive programming and support).

By this time next year, I intend to have both a Back Assault (taking beta testers now), and Arm Assault programs to accompany the above.

Growth Opportunity #3

Ah, the biggest opportunity for growth, and a goal that’s been with me since day one.

Since inception, my goal with MASSthetics has been to nurture it into something that’s bigger than myself. Meaning, I intend to bring in a coach (or two). I don’t plan on MASSthetics being a one man show come years end. Rather, I want to build this brainchild into something that has a team of like-minded coaches.

Doing so will allow MASSthetics as a whole to help more people rise to jacked, shredded, and tanned-dom.

I concur. #nocaptionneeded #makegoodart #maytheforcebewithyou

A post shared by MASSthetics (@alexmullan13) on Sep 1, 2016 at 8:19pm PDT

Taking the next steps

A few weeks ago I had my quarterly call with my biz wizard and coach, John Romaniello. From top to bottom we went over every key aspect to MASSthetics, what needs improving, and what more I could be doing.

Anticlimactic as it is, the truth of the matter is there isn’t much that’s not working. Which means all that needs doing is more of that consistency thang I always ramble on about, and as mentioned earlier, to start throwing a little gasoline on the fire.

Action Step #1

Rather than hire someone to handle my advertising efforts, I’m investing into myself and learning the ins and outs of Facebook advertising. Not only is more economical in terms of cost, but with my goal of growth, I believe it’s an important skillet to learn.

Action Step #2

As mentioned earlier, I’m currently in the process of building the 8 Week Back Assault. It will launch in May, shortly after the test squad (email alex@massthetics.net if you’re interested) has been put through the ringer. At that point, I’ll start building out the 8 Week Arm Assault, ideally in time for a launch around my birthday (September 24th).

Action Step #3

Simply put, I’m going to keep my head down, continue writing what’s usually around 7-8000 words per week, and marching onward.

What am I going to do about my biggest growth opportunities?

Growth is all about taking action, not merely talking about it. To that end, here’s what I’m going to do move closer and closer to where I want MASSthetics to be.

1. I’m going to stop being fearful, stop playing small, and start investing on a larger scale into the growth of MASSthetics. That means better design across the board (blog, products, social media content), setting up ads to drive traffic with the intention of reaching more meatheads, building the email list, and helping clientele.

2. The 8 Week Back Assault is already in it’s early stages of development, and will be followed up with its arm counterpart later in the year. If you want in on the beta squad, you can see the details here.

3. I still need to sit down and map out where this is, but I’m going to plan my threshold for brining in one coach and two coaches. Once I hit those active client/waiting list thresholds, I’ll pull the trigger (no matter how unnerving it may be), and bring the *right* person into the fold.

As cliche as it is and cheesy as it sounds, if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 365 days of trying my hand at this whole business thing, it’s this:

If you’re willing to make sacrifices, remain devoted to your mission, and learn from where you inevitably fuck up, you can accomplish anything you want.

  PS. 4 out of 5 lifters will let their rationalization hamster run wild. Building no muscle, burning no fat. The 5th lifter joined the MASSthetics Clan and put the information within the (free) Hypertrophy Handbook to good use. Problem solved. Click here to become the 5th lifter, and let me know where to send the prestigious Hypertrophy Handbook.

[feliicityrampant]

i had another plot heavy dream last night lol

so basically i was in this fantasy world (set in oregon??? i’m not very geographically creative i guess) and there were two kingdoms at war: one was led by the Bad Evil Tyrant King and the other was jointly led by gabriel reyes and jack morrison because i play too much overwatch. anyway i was this half-human/half-unicorn person (everyone was some weird mix) and i’d been a prisoner of the Tyrant King because unicorn blood makes spells more powerful. also at some point my horn (because even half-unicorn people have horns i guess) was snapped off by the Tyrant King as well. not for magical purposes but just because he was a dick.

so while i was a prisoner i wrote this poem that was published and circulated in both kingdoms and became pretty famous and that’s how gabe heard about me and at some point there was an opportunity where i was loosely guarded in a border town and he rescued me. so i went to the capital with him to lend my hand to the war effort. only at this point jack and gabe were arguing about which direction to take the war. jack wanted to build up the army and fortify the capital and make that their base of operations. gabe wanted to build a rail system and move the army to remote bases to minimize civilian casualties. basically they’d decided on a compromise where jack would work on building up their forces in the capital and gabe would have a small force of volunteers who would be shipped out to prepare the railroad/new base.

i’m basically useless. i’m not a fighter or anything. but i’m hanging out in the army camp and gabe comes up and is like “i’m taking volunteers yada yada” and... no one is volunteering. so i volunteer. and i get on the bus that’s headed to the new base and there are literally two other people plus the bus driver.

at this point i should mention that i’m wearing a hat to cover up the stub of unicorn horn that i have because i’m terrified of people using me again. it’s a beanie.

anyway i’m looking for a seat on the bus and they’re all... gross looking. so i settle on a seat in the back across from one of the other bus occupants, this girl with wild curly hair who immediately starts chatting with me (at me). she’s pointing out the bakeries we’re passing and telling me about this guy she knew who had six legs and wasn’t it annoying to always have to buy three pairs of matching shoes? and she hoped we had clams for dinner at some point it’d been so long since we had clams.

at that i kind of perked up and was like “are we going to the coast then?” and the bus driver pipes up and says that no we’re not we’re going to the southeast which. well. if you know anything about oregon you will know that this is not the part that draws tourists. so i’m like oh fuck it’s gonna be hot and flat there it’s the middle of summer i’m gonna die. but i already signed up and i’m gonna stick it out for gabe cuz he rescued me and believes in me.

also while we were chatting the girl explained that she was military and asked what i did and i was like “oh....um.... i’m a writer i guess....” which she seemed to ignore because she kept on talking?? she talked a LOT. also at some point she moved over so she was sitting right next to me and her arm was thrown over my shoulders and i. was not complaining anyway.

ok so we get to the base and receive our kit and are shown the barracks where we’ll be staying. it’s still just the three of us (the third person is also a girl around our age) but bunks are really tiny and pre-assigned. they have our names and our species written on them. i freak out for a moment, but mine says “half-human/half-vampyre” (written like that omg) and i’m like... gabe... always looking out for me... sniffle. the third girl gets annoyed when she sees me staring at my species and gets really offended i guess??

she’s laying out her bunk and she’s like “i’m not gonna hate you because you’re part vampyre you know. i’m not some kind of prejudiced asshole.” like she’s all offended that i might think she is or something. so i (for some fucking reason) am like “no that’s not it. it’s just that i’m not part vampyre.” so the girl i was sitting with on the bus and this other girl turn and stare at me and are like “so what are you then?” and i’m like “something much worse...” because that’s not cryptic or ominous sounding thanks dream me.

anyway i’m saved from further conversation because i get a summons from gabe. and i’m like oh no maybe he doesn’t want me here because i’m useless and can’t do anything helpful. but he’s just like “it’s too hot out here for that hat” and takes it off my head and ties a bandanna around my head to cover my broken horn stub instead. GABE!!!!!! what a guy.

i go back to the barracks where the topic of my species has been forgotten (or set aside) and the day is winding down so we’re all getting ready for bed. and i pull out of my kit this enameled tin box that looks kind of like a pencil case. it’s for scrying. and i’m worried about the war effort and my position in things because i kind of have a lot of stake in never going back to the other kingdom or being captured. and it sucks not knowing anything. so i fill it with a little bit of water and get in bed and stare into it.

it’s not really working. mostly the water sloshes around and it’s kind of distracting. i don’t know what i expected, i’m not very good at magic. so i’m just staring at it and i start to think “...if i used just a little bit of my blood...” but that makes me feel nauseous and terrible so i push it aside and concentrate really hard and suddenly the water is stilling and clearing. 

i can see jack and gabe in this big fancy library and they’re standing over a table with a map laid out on it. they’re having some kind of argument, probably about the split army and the railroad. at this point jack says “and i don’t trust her” and i know he’s talking about me. gabe’s like “jack, come on.” and jack shakes his head and says “there’s no way to know she’s not a spy” which makes me feel immediately guilty. jack pulls out his own tin case and is like “i’m going to be keeping an eye on her” and opens it up so i snap mine shut and close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. until eventually i do fall asleep.

and that’s when i woke up. u_u

god speed half-unicorn me..... your future sounds exciting.....