#not to flatter myself but the beginning reads like mina harker dodie bellamy

[pairodicelost]

I texted a friend the other month, about how for my 27th birthday or any occasion, any worthy occasion we have time to save up and reason to spend I wanna go to VEGAS all of us together in Vegas      I’m really in the mode!!! Vegas, baby!!       (manic mood also featured Time to star in adult films in the valley!!! and a massive red wig and red lips and leopard print bra and smoking inside and daydrinking and copious selfies I sent her  I’m a new person)

Deal. We’ll need dresses and heels.

I wanna party and be laughing in the sun and wandering a nighttime seedy underbelly and have it be like a movie and a Tom Waits song and a dream all in one. 

Kind of like how i wanted to have that 70s la summer

Back in college, I think my first summer after freshman year I was obsessed with the 70s. I’d bleached my hair, long crunchy curls like a Robert Plant knockoff to differentiate myself, cast off from oppressive mom who never let me do anything to my hair or appearance at all. My comfort movies I fell asleep watching all the time were The Doors and Velvet Goldmine, I was aggressively obsessed with Pink Floyd and drew pictures of Roger Waters all the time, smoked pot, tried mushrooms, had seen The Runaways and wanted that life for myself so badly. I was still young and energetic enough to believe all things were possible, you just have to will them into existence            (I still do but seldom have the energy to sustain belief for a prolonged period of time and the secret to young people succeeding as artists (besides their sex appeal and YOUTH (conflation of these things)) is that they are so young they are IGNORANT of their bluster and arrogance and hubris, and that ignorance fosters the guts and courage necessary to pushing forth and getting your shit out there. Once you learn more to realize how derivative your shit is, or gain enough self-awareness and perspective to see the body of work that already exists in the world, you become more self doubting and self conscious - its that whole thing of knowing enough to know that you don’t know a lot - ANYWAY young artists succeed bc theyre arrogant shameless and full of conviction good for them I champion that)        so I wanted all my friends to come down to Los Angeles with me for the summer We’re gonna have a 70s summer! Cocaine and champagne and cigarettes, tottering around on platform sandals!

I was Farrah-flipping my hair and developing a taste for cigs though I didn’t like them that much it was totally about the image (take me back, that sounds nice) and was hung up on guys in their 50s who’d tell me about the time they played tambourine with Jefferson Airplane I used to be Jim Morrison, go out to the desert with a bottle of whiskey and a gun and wake up to the vultures circling above me all the thrills I got from their danger stories, them dedicating Foxy Lady to me, sending me voicemails of Feeling Groovy playing over the radio, getting my 70s fix from everything they dosed me with, all the stories I wanted to be inside of.

My plot was for me and my friends to rent a room in a shitty motel somewhere in Hollywood by a freeway, someplace cheap but near everything (what the fuck does that even mean in LA what does that MEAN), walkable (walkable?????). We would strut down the boulevard in thigh length fur trimmed coats and hemp knit macrame halter hops and bell bottoms and sunglasses (I drew and watercolored girls wearing this outfit all the time trying to make it real!!) and duck into theatres showing dirty movies or just old ones, find hotel bars to drink at and eye up everyone, sunbathe on a rooftop and get nice and brown just like the people in Roller Boogie like the people in Jesus Christ Superstar like the people in Whats Up Doc?

I don’t even know what I was after - indulgence? Checking out of my life to enjoy things? Cut loose and experience? Laze about in the fashion I wanted with the girls I loved? Letting myself -      oh right oh right same thing I’m after with this new desire for Vegas I want to be someone else I want to be allowed to not owe anyone responsibilities and I want to have FUN be HAPPY be a CHARACTER in a good looking story.

Dude I wanna fuck Keith Richards so bad I wanna cry

it’s so funny, living in New Orleans (which is 2nd only to Vegas in terms of being Escapist Fantasytown, U.S.A.), trying to find a different location to project all over and dream about.