#not that im unhappy with it but it doesn't feel as good as id have liked it to be

[miraclemaya]

art is only art through suffering. (tw torture)

the gallery makes you sign a consent form before you enter the exhibit. inside is a white room with a single chair. you sit down. a few moments later a man enters with a hammer. he gives a polite nod and smashes your left knee cap in. you feel it shatter into pieces, bone shard getting embedded in your flesh. he exits the room as you scream in pain. a different person, a woman this time, enters the room and throws a bucket of acid at you. you only barely manage to shield your eyes. the rest of you is not so lucky and you burn without fire.

the next person comes in with a saw and gets started on your left hand. they are wearing earbuds and gardening gloves.

they give you five mins to rest. you can't rest as you are bleeding out.

small cuts and salty water on your back.

hot pokers pressed into your left stump.

you don't pass out.

someone just stabs you with a long sword.

waterboarded.

rip out your teeth.

someone comes in with a canvas and shows it to you. it's a fairly amateurish oil painting of a tree. the tree is unremarkable, and really that is the only way to describe the painting. you barely manage the words but you ask who painted it. the person says a name you've never heard before. they ask you if the suffering made the piece better and you say it didn't.

they help you out of the room and suddenly you are fine. one of the curators is standing by you and they ask you if the suffering being fake was what made the painting boring.

you think for a minute and answer probably.

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

hello!!! tired anon here... please disregard my last ask and request, i ended up quitting the dance team 'cause i couldn't handle it anymore and got sick. :(

may i have a request of miguel comforting the reader instead after they quit something they put a lot of effort into? i'm sorry for changing my mind, you don't have to do it if you don't want to! thank you so much!!

hii!! you did?? im sorry :(( hope you’re okay!! I don’t wanna shove this in your face (bc I know it may be annoying to hear) but id like to think I understand how you feel, I had to quit ice skating 10 years ago and I still think about it every few days. thank you for requesting, hope you like it 💌

I just know he'd be super supportive with you- helping you along the way. he'd help you weigh the pros and cons, helping you before deciding you want to quit. he doesn't want his personal opinion to get in the way, so he'd be pretty quiet, nodding and humming along while you basically debate with yourself. he'd be a great listener, and a good, solid person to talk to

although he doesn't want his thoughts to get in the way, he does put his two cents in, mentioning things that may be affecting you and your health- how you'd constantly be in pain, or tired and groggy. he knows how much you love it so he'd be careful with his wording. he just wants you to be happy, and if something you love is making you unhappy, he'd tell you

before the days coming up to your decision, he'd offer you a lending ear, wanting to hear your thoughts and feelings. maybe he stays up with you one night while you vent

but when the day comes when you finally decide to quit, he'd be the best :((( he'd get you all your favourite things, and await for your mood. if you wanted to stay in, you'd watch some movies on the couch to distract you, or if you wanted to be left alone, he'd leave you be. he'd run you a bath if needed or make your favourite meal. stay with you while you cry and rant. whatever it is you need at that moment- he'd give it to you. he'd give you all the loving and care you needed to help get your mind off it (that's if you wanted to get your mind off it- he'd go with the flow and navigate you along the way. and understand you may not be in the mood to talk etc)

he'd tell you that he's proud of you, telling you did a great job and that deciding to quit isn't easy, especially if it's something you love and have put a lot of effort into. he also understands that you may need time to grieve it, so he doesn't rush you or make you feel silly for being hung up over a hobby/passion

he just loves you and wants to look after you <33

— — — — — — — — — — ☆ — — — — — — — — — —

[vorareromantic]

okay instead of vagueposting my breakdowns like usual im going to try something different. i feel really lonely lately. a lot of the time i feel like no one would talk to me if i didn't say something to them first. i feel like a lot of my life has been me forcing friendships and then wondering if anyone cares and sometimes i do get into these moods where it feels like nobody would notice if i just stopped posting or replying and just dropped off the internet. im way too addicted to tumblr to cave in and test that but it just feels really isolating. i always feel like i care more about other people than they do about me. being autistic is isolating on its own, it's also really isolating having the level of c-ptsd that i have because i know it permanently altered how i view my interactions and connections with other people and everyone always tells me it'll get better once i find good people but i don't know how to do that. the vast majority of my friends only text me when they need to vent and ignore me the rest of the time. people tell me how great of a friend and person i am and how i deserve great things but then they never give me the time of day. it really sucks because the vast majority of the time i don't even need to talk about whatever's bothering me. i dont even know where id start with that because people dont really care enough to let me get into it and im not used to talking like that. i usually just want to have any amount of conversation with someone. about anything. i dont think i really could get into it if someone even did ask, or id probably apologize profusely afterwards and assume the person hated me now. i dont really know because it doesnt happen a lot. i just realized earlier today when i was having an episode that i dont really have anyone to text and tell that i needed support. the more it happens the less safe i feel with people. at this point it genuinely feels like everyone will get sick of me and there's no point trying to bond with anyone because they only ever want to be around me when they're struggling. and that doesn't do good things for me either to talk to most people in my life only when they're unhappy. and im too much of a people pleaser to say no because then they wont talk to me EVER. or they'll lash out because they always seem to. because i said id be there for them and they could always come to me but if im not up for it one time i get guilt tripped or harassed. it just feels so lonely and isolating and i just wish i had people i could rely on without being scared of them. sometimes it feels like caring about other peope comes so naturally to everyone unless it's about me. and i know a lot of people dont even see me as a person, they've told me that even. that they see me as a reward for their hardships because ill deal with anything or that im just a free therapist to them or that they dont care about me but they keep me around because i help them so much and they dont want to live without me. which is fucking horrible to feel and hear by the way, it makes me feel like a commodity. i just wish people cared about me but it feels like i wasn't made for that

[kankrilicious69]

I've only read a bit of Vast Error but the characters and universe just seems like a bit of a let down.

They're trolls, but they're not on Alternia, sure. What differences do they have?

Well, they're nicer about blood color and their government isn't as mean... Okay, so... They removed all the dark and gritty aspects of their planet that made the trolls interesting as a separate species?

Well I can overlook that, how are the characters? The Karkat clone, the multiple Mary sues, the random bitchy one (that I was actually kinda upset about because I was super excited for the purple blood), the porn addict, and emotionally absent boyfriend, etc.

I don't really see any characters that feel worth liking. As interesting as the journey may be, these aren't the sort of characters I want to see make that journey.

None of the characters interest me, they're all cruel in some way. The universe removed the most difficult aspects of Alternian life making it feel they don't have struggles to MAKE them that way, and honestly the plot is pushing forward so fast I barely understand what's going on.

The things I can compliment? The art is beautiful and very fluid, perhaps even rivaling Homestuck if not better. It's wonderful to look at.

The music is great and I have no complaints, generally very good.

I know they have merch, and the merch is super neat too. (Although I question the copyright legalities)

i love vast error's art its WONDERFUL. very clear that a lot of passion and care and love goes into the works, even on the games and spin off comics and other such things. Ive not seen much of the merch but i assume its probably good quality and nice too. from the music Ive heard the artists are all SUPER talented, i loved the dead shufflers album. very good work!

but then you get to the comic itself. to compare the comic to food, the artists prepare a wonderful layout of delicious desserts, and the musicians brought the most amazing wines possible to the table, and then the writers bring out the main course, and its the blandest, most driest jerky Ive ever had.

every single Vast Error character is written like this: we're gonna deconstruct a trope! this character is this trope, but we're gonna subvert it!!

and then they fail to remember that to set up a character who is one thing and then subvert it, you must set up the thing you are subverting.

arcjec is a main character-type boy who's since grown depressed and unhappy with his role, and we open up on him AFTER hes realized that. Ok! that's an interesting way to open up! Let's see the rest of the cast.

we've got serpaz, who is a comic relief type character, but... isn't happy with that role. and as soon as shes introduced the story begins taking her more seriously. Ok...

then we have calder, who is said to be sexist, and cruel. and as soon as hes introduced, characters begin speaking down to him for... being sexist and cruel, something we've yet to see him do cause he just showed up... right.

this story doesn't want to slow down and introduce us to our characters before they go "no i don't like this role im playing in the group/story" but id like to see them in the role first!!!

you cant just show me a character and go "theyre like this! trust me guys!" only to then immediately show them differently and expect me to be surprised that theyre subverting their trope. you never set it up!!!

so many of these characters are just flat, and bland, and uninteresting, and we're told that we're subverting tropes, but you gotta write the trope first!!!

and dont even fucking get me started about how they dont want any of their characters to be bad. so many of these characters are humanized and treated as redeemable, all in a story about how capitalism and shit destroys the enviorment/society. not every character can be redeemable and good if you want to tell a compelling story about how greed and profit destroys lives. jesus christ i hate vast error.

[milkissblog]

hey everybody!!

thats a weird ass way to start a diary entry. i can't have a diary because my mom is a little invasive and will for sure read it. theres also this weird little clown pop up on my screen? anyway.

id love love loveee love lvoe more than anything to have a diary. i could paste my little doodles in it like flower petals. and put all of my stickers and pretty slices of papers inside. theres a dog squeaking outside. i don't think dogs should be making that noise. i hope the little guy is ok.

anyway, that was so very off topic. what i was trying to say is that this little blag of mine is sposed to be my surrogate diary. i have this issue online (and even in writing) where i over-perceive myself ("perceive" is a pretty-sounding word. so is sieve.) and my online presence bc its so customizable and because im so disconnected from my sense of self. im a people pleaser even when im writing in a private little diary cause im always thinking, my mom is going to read it, how will this sound to my mom when she reads it, oh god my mom, my mom, my mom (and, to a lesser extent, other people). i hate it. i feel prickled and trapped and smothered sometimes, but dear god i love my mom more than anything. but still, sometimes i feel like im in 1984 and shes reading my thoughts as well as my texts before i can delete them. but also, she pays for me to exist -its a mixed bag with high highs and low lows.

im really hoping that the self-perception thing doesn't happen this time. i hope i can have a better self-concept and be a better person. ive wasted maybe 2 years (i don't want to say that ☹︎) on being rock bottom unhappy, on being filled with hatred for myself, on dreading my own body and face, on corroding and ruminating for too long, until i found myself incapable of loving and v isolated feeling. its an awful way to exist because you deny yourself and other people so much beauty, and because it hampers your ability to really love and be there for other people. i wanna talk about that more (and i spose i can here)

-partially my sadness was/is cause im lesbian and m being raised catholic. ive got a lot of issues to work thorugh hahahaha. or, should i say, teeheeheehee. (LEGALIZE SAYING TEEHEEHEE!!! PEOPLE R SO MEAN AND THEY SPIT ON ME WHEN I WRITE "TEEHEEHEE" INSTEAD OF HAHAHA)

dear god this is very stream of consciousness. well, anyway. i'm not writing it to be read (or at least trying NOT to write it to be read). im writing it to communicate with myself. thats not working very well, i just read through the whole thing again.

i hope this gives me a sense of purity (not like weird sex/virginity stuff, but mental purity, like pure love or pure salt or pure vinegar, with no issues, just clear and soft and good) and of self, like prayer. id probably believe in god without the church and them being mean to lesbians and girls and non catholics and so many other ppl and whatnot bc i love to think that love inhabits everything and i sincerely deeply in my little heart of hearts think it does. i think i might believe in god??? i don't know. i am trying my best pookies.

im a girlblogger cause im a girl!! also im sincerely really trying to be okay and happy. and maybe be buddhist? i got this lovely slim little book by a buddhist monk thich nhat hanh called "true love" and i want that. i want to be a good kind person to myself and everybody else. as karissa love (she is my comfort youtuber and i adore her v much) puts it, i want to radiate love. that sounds a little crazy but perchance i am a little crazy.

perchance.

also, darn it, i cursed. ive decided im sposed to not curse, so that when i do people are very shocked like "wow omg she said f*ck??? she never says f*ck!!!" and think its a big deal and everything. i could also swear tons so ppl think im tough, but i don't want to scare anynody and i curse like a toddler bc im so out of practice. oh well.

anyway thats the first entry! hello world!! i hope im ok and that this helps me.

mwah

[melonpeel]

i feel like ranting about my job, career choices etc so here goes.

I'm currently working part time as a graphic designer to help pay the bills (or "marketing assistant" if you go by the contract - but it's literally graphic design stuff)

i dont dislike my job. i enjoy being able to work in an area somewhat related to the arts. the hours are good and the pay is not bad either. my boss and coworkers are all nice enough.

but they all seem to have this misconception that i took on this job as an act of love. that i have goals to stay there a long time and grow in the industry etc. im not sure where that idea even came from since i was honest from the get go that: im an artist. im in art school, nearly graduating, and im not a famous artist by any means but I've been doing a pretty decent job at building my career so far. I've had some local exhibitions, fairs, etc. I have good connections. i have a solid recognizable style. i know what mediums and materials i prefer to work with, which specific fields I'd like to direct my work to, i honestly got all that boring stuff figured out ages ago.

i guess it's just frustrating having well intentioned people trying to "guide" (or mold, really) you into the right path to succeed in career A, when you have no interest in ever growing in that field whatsoever. i understand art is a tricky career choice and it doesnt hurt to have a plan B, but frankly, i can't imagine a world where my plan B is just "getting a full time job and a couple promotions in an industry I don't give 2 shits about"

it also throws me off a lot how me focusing mostly on working and not speaking about myself is seen as me being "shy and insecure" and not me clearly keeping my work and personal life separated. i understand not everyone agrees to this mentality and some people like forming genuine connections with their colleagues. alas, i have been and am going to be with the team for a very short time, and in the time I've been with them already, I've heard a lot of prejudice about the type of person i am (which they don't know). when you're a queer creative who doesn't stand by the traditional family bs, and you're living in a highly conservative city, you learn to shut the fuck up and tone down your whole being real fast.

sure it sucks. sure i wish i could be my genuine, non-quiet/passive self. but ive tried before, and every single time it ended with me being mistreated quite badly. so who wants to keep trying? its been one too many years and i simply dont have it in me anymore. yeah its killing me slowly. never did i think id go back in the closet, but thats how life is i guess.

at the end of the day: im poor. i have no family or support system. i am the kind of person some hate simply for existing. i am going to keep my distance. i am going to do what i have to so i can survive. i am going to be unhappy until the day im not.

[1d1195]

i am excited !! the bride is one of my oldest friends, we’ve known each other since we were babies and im super psyched for her, what im gonna wear well…😭 i got this superrrr gorgeous dress which was like moss green with pinkish flowers on the bodice and it had a corset and it was just so pretty, totally giving forest fairy princess, right ?? IT CAME BROKEN D: it was missing a strap ?? (it was NOT a strapless dress😭, it literally had one side with the strap intact and the other was just…gone) returned it ofc and i have a different dress coming in the mail so i’ll let you know how that looks when it gets here

no bc ten in ONE year is a LOT i don’t blame you at all i think id quit them altogether if it got that far LMFAO

summer school sounds like a blast tbh, it seems way more chill than ur average school day and i think summer at a beach is SO awesome, i hope u have a great time !!! honestly i have nothing planned except the wedding so far haha so honestly i don’t really know ?? i don’t work at the moment so until school starts im pretty free. this is actually my first time going back in a hot minute, my family traveled a lot when i was growing up (they’re both immigrants so we’d go back and visit family n stuff) and it kind of messed with my school and during one of our longer trips (a couple of years) when we came back to the states i just never went back and finished so now im trying to go back and get my GED (long overdue lmao) !! i always really loved school and ive been dreaming of going back since i stopped (can you say nerd🤣) but i am kind of scared to go back when ive been out of the game for so long😭 but hopefully it’ll be okay !

if all goes well after that, i have no clue what id like to major in. i feel like the kinds of things im interested in people wouldnt necessarily approve of yk ?? id love to major in something like psychology or english but those are the degrees i ALWAYS see people making fun of and calling pointless💔😭 who even knows if I’ll make it that far though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hope you’re doing amazing !!

~🎶

I'm sure your new dress is just as pretty but the green and floral fairy look sounds so pretty! I'm sorry it didn't come in tact, that's the WORST.

I'm so sick of weddings tbh. And bridal showers. And baby showers. I'm probs just bitter because I won't be having any of it, but ya know. I've enjoyed every wedding and shower that I've been too. They're all cute and fun but I simply cannot afford this anymore. I'm saying no to my first wedding invite in years--it's too far away and as much as I would love to make a trip of it, I can't do it. It's too much for my stress addled mind.

Learning isn't linear and if it's time to get your GED now, then it truly doesn't matter. That's amazing you're going back and it's awesome that you're interested in it! You're going to do amazing (also if you have any math questions let me know, I love math lol) I'm sure you'll settle right back into things as soon as you get back in the classroom. You're going to do so well, it's amazing you're doing this for yourself. I think it's huge and important and I love that for you! You're talking to Miss Nerd herself over here. There's no such thing! I love school much I chose to teach so I didn't need to leave! There's nothing wrong with enjoying school anymore than not enjoying school. Some people love it, some people don't. I'm happy for you!!! 💕

You gotta do what you like. Psych and English are great choices. They're interesting to you and that's what matters most. You'll figure the rest out as you go along! I would love to go back to school and be a full time student and just collect degrees like Pokemon cards. I would love a psych degree. I think I would be a good therapist lol. Anything you decide to do is not pointless. People that say stuff like that are unhappy with their own lives because they chose to follow something they weren't passionate about. I can relate as you don't know how many people tell me I should have done more than be a teacher and "those who can't do, teach" which is like a knife to my heart every time I hear it. But even if I WERE to placate the idea and agree for two seconds that some degrees are "pointless" someone has to do the job required of those degrees. So how pointless is it really? English and Psych are so important for mental health fields, creative fields, just general societal norms. There's a reason every college student has to take English 101 and Psych classes for anything they pursue.

I hope that doesn't sound offensive. It's meant to sound more like "it's not pointless, in fact it's so pointed, you have to do it because that's what you want and that's more than enough."

HEY I GOT A NEW SONG FOR US. I was watching a show on Netflix and it hit me like a truck! PIRATE RADIO* Jean Dawson I don't know how to describe it, it's just like this romantic/whimsical song. I hope you'll know what I mean if you decide to listen to it!

Hope you're having a good start to your week! 💕💕

xoxo

[ratrap]

I'm so so proud of you dude, telling her in the first place was still a major step towards getting your life back!! (And I think the clothes thing proves pretty well to me and presumably her how fucked up all this has been and how he's been blatantly lying to you about liking you as you were, yikes.) Doesn't have to be all fixed at once but any little bit of progress towards not being completely on your own with this shit is something to feel accomplished for.

thank you youre too nice to me. Sorry i havent replied im just struggling a bit with things. I tried so hard to lose weight way before and not that i really got healthy before my mum passed anyway but now none of it matters anymore. my clothes are so small im getting too embarrassed to put them on. i feel gross and it makes me not want to go out. i say to him i want to get new clothes but he doesnt. listen I cant keep putting up with this im so unhappy. and because i dont even think i had a life before im not even thinking about anything good in the future. ughhh I have been really upset about my weight and life in general it makes me wanna give up so maybe i can see my mum again I am still on my own nobody would even care if i wasnt here except for him, which gives me all the more reason to not want to be here. My cat is the only thing that makes me not want to die lol. My life is pathetic and so am i. Im so sad and stupid that i let this happen to me all over. the only reason i told her at all was because he had done stuff in my sleep again after again I told him im tired of being like this and then took a video of me while im upset, and i was still mad about it the next day when i went. Hes been waking me up to make me drink milkshake or ice cream and he makes me eat this spoonful of oil stuff i dont even know what it is and he recorded me drinking it while embarrassing me so if anyone likes that and you see footage of a fatass idiot crying that is me. I think he thinks because i have mental health problems that i dont understand i dont know. Im so upset every day i dont enjoy anything, i feel like such a disappointment and embarrassment to my mum and i dont even want my aunt to have to look at me she will be grossed out if she had to look at me nevermind let me live with her. thank u for caring and dont feel obliged to message me okay. I appreciate your concern and everything im just lonely rambling at like four in the morning. If whoever sent me the ask about housing or something sees this i would appreciate the link to whatever it was you were going to send me before i think you can send them in asks id like to at least look at it cause I have no idea what im doing 😞

[forgottenarthur]

klsdfajlskdfjdsf arthur like 'i can turn this around' and tries to gift her a horse but the gods already got her a nicer one le sob jk jk but only ~kind of~ arthur's def like 'i can still smooth this over' and he'll def try to charm her and convince her that he's a good fit but if she persists -- which it sounds like she might -- he'll eventually either be like 'enemy!' and flip that switch and just snipe at her like he does his relatives, or he'll be like 'she hates me! that means she gets me! yes! grab the knife to cut me open and watch me bleed like i deserve! bestie time!' bc that's the cloest thing he's ever really had to love or friendship from many of the ppl he cares most about etc a la take me to church and:

alskdjfkljdsf he's super emotionally healthy laksjdfajkdsf anywayyyy honestly tho it might even be a combo of the sniping and loving it thing so who knows laksjdfjkldsf he's that whole 'show the haters how its done by hating yourself the most' meme aklsdjfkjsd but he'd also make a point of letting her know he was there to flirt w her sister if it ever got to the point just to tick her off???? im so sorry about him alksjdfkjldsf

but i ~am getting ahead of myself bc he's still v much in the ~i can fix this~ stage of things! bc, despite the fact that he lives in v unhappy circumstances for the most part, he does ultimately wants to make things better and have happiness and honestly i think, not unlike edmund, he's so overwhelmed by the love and happiness going on in the malconaire household...tho he doesn't quite trust it either and he feels like he's seeing the ~real face of things when the stepfam comes around, he's still like 'this is abeautiful illusion and id love to live in it for a bit' so ideally he'd have a good relationship w all the sisters alksjdfjksf

so yeah my speculation about the above does kinda depend how aggressive she is! if its just like side eyes and the occasional comment, he'll probs just be like 'you can't address me like that' if it gets too heated but mostly not even notice too much bc he's so used to toxicity it would be weird if someone weren't hating on him a lil bit lkasjdfkjldsf

(also him and ed running into e/o while tryna escape their family here like that spiderman meme i laUGH -- also cue rosie and eithne running to get the medeival fantasy!bopit for them a la gilmore girls probably hahaha)

ooc | Brigit & Arthur

congratulations! brigit does not like you!!!

It's not even really his fault, but his dad invaded their country and has her queen as his hostage (no thank you!!!) and almost more offensive than that, he then has the auDACITY to try to flirt with eithne??!?!?!? like he'd eVER be worthy of her!!?!?! (not that anyone is worthy for any of her sisters, but this is besides the point) And if he's just having fun, then he's doubly an ass!!!! But also if he dared to ever try to ask her to marry him, then Brigit would be extremely upset because taking her sister away is the woRST thing anyone could do, especially because brigit knows that eithne would do the stupid thing and actually say yes to him so she can ~save the family~ *eyeroll*

that being said, she's not stupid, and she knows telling off a prince won't get you anywhere but locked up (and then were would poor eithne be w/o her ;D), but that's not gonna stop her from being sarcastic/passive aggressive and just generally running interference whenever she sees him so much as looking at her sister!

[mothfishing]

would love some mantis thoughts if u feel like sharing... love opinions from someone with taste

I HAVE SEVERAL this has gotten so long...

i originally typed a long explanation but first draft of this post was thousands of words long. trying 2 compress. so i'll just link this about why i think they are. ants.

but yeah okay ant interest aside...i really am not and have never been a fan of the concept that they keep other bugs out of their village purely because of isolationism and a poorly defined honor code that hinges entirely on combat prowess...so instead i think of that policy as, rather than being a fixed trait, a combination of the infection and also their enmity with hallownest. they DO NOT like hallownest despite the truce, and the fact that there's so many entrances from the city of tears/waterways into right above and right below mantis territory...can you blame them...the impression it gives me is certainly a threatening one.

so yeah they don't like letting random people into the village. considering how many sealed doors there are on the way down to the mantis lords, it's my own thought that maybe a lot of that was set up specifically to seal the place off in case. Well. anything happened. then infection zombie apocalypse ended up happening and, well, they don't know much of anything about what's causing it! so their best guess is that it's contact-related. and in my interpretation of the infection, that's partly true...naturally, it comes in through the mind. but contact lowers the barrier of entry, as it were, so it's still a good idea to stay away from large infection pustules. it also results in a runaway effect once infection does enter a population...

thus mantises end up insulating themselves from a good chunk of Dream Plague. though naturally, not all of it, blah blah traitor lord situation

relatedly, to me i feel like the mantises were certainly made Quite uncomfortable when they realized that hallownest was seeking an alliance of some sort with deepnest. they don't know the details of the dreamer plan, but considering the silk spools in the hidden station, the existence of the distant village station, and the fact we know that at some point people in the city of tears began writing on spider silk paper rather than the older stone tablets, it's clear that some sort of truce between hallownest and the weavers lasted beyond herrah becoming a dreamer

the reason the mantises would be fairly unhappy about this is...well they REALLY don't want to end up in a situation where they're pinned on both sides. one of many reasons the eldest mantis lord has such a headache.

some more miscellaneous mantis hcs:

i think the mantis claws are something for people with claws that are for whatever reason unsuitable to climb with, and also for children whose wings are less and less functional but whose adult claws haven't quite grown in yet. (or children without wings/otherwise without the ability to fly)

to me the "horns" the mantis lords + some of the traitor mantises have are like, not horns so much as a headdress? and it's usually worn by older adults. so makai doesn't wear one because she's in her 20s and it's more a middle aged person thing. it's tied in the back and you can wear jewelry on them, but ultimately it's just cloth

i tend to draw them with facial tattooing! inspired by shin khaal although it's not literal shin khaal. it's mostly decorative and it's something adults get (although teenagers might experiment with drawing them on using makeup)

my names for the mantises are makai (traitors' daughter), tsanga (eldest lord), mina (2nd eldest), lalai (3rd eldest), anara (youngest/traitor lord). im going to use these names 4 them from now on

[ID: Two drawings of Tsanga. In the first, she is wearing a cloth headdress over her antennae, with one of her claws tapping her chin in thought. She has three teardrop shapes tattood onto her forehead. In the second drawing, she isn't wearing her headdress, and her antennae can be seen. She is hornless. End ID]

[ID: Two drawings of Makai. The first drawing is a bust drawing of her with her head tilted and eyes wide. She had 3 dots around her eyes. In the second drawing, she is standing and looking off to the side with both of her claws held up by her waist. She is wearing a long scarf with the ends hanging low. End ID]

i originally had a long thing about makai and ze'mer here but it was like 2000 words long and i am trying so hard to end this post. tl;dr i think ze'mer defected from hallownest and lived in the mantis village with makai for several years. she didn't have a bad relationship with her in-laws until makai's death and anara's essentially-death, and that particular thing was. a bunch of grief and lashing out and part of her eventually moving on from that grief involves reconciling with them because ultimately they both love and miss the same people and they were, and still could be, family

going to stop now because i cannot be concise unfortunately. anyway i think abt the mantises so much. i think they deserve better <3 ok goodbye

[hotchley]

🦄 awhh kid, ive been busy with school (it's my last sem, i graduate in may) so ive been busy. i will say cm makes good bg noise to do hw to.

this is me being a lil shit and cuz im not in the fandom but like penelope? best character overall, except for the garcia thing. it was a haha joke that aged poorly. they could've just hired a white latina or changed her name but then again they also made elle half-cuban when the actor is white. then tara. then morgan. luke. matt. jj. emily. blake. at least hotch is better than rossi ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ bc rossi is racist and i know we skirt around that issue but like dude... you can't pee on a black classmate and then deny you're racist (and i know he isn't malicious and they try to fix with him marrying a black husband but like. cm loves to just ignore all their problems with their character. actually.. hotch is only better bc he barely has a personality so i can just pretend he doesn't have racist tendencies.. but also he did grow up in the south... and we live in a society..)

fuck i forgot about spencer... he's annoying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe white nerdboy with no personality was revolutionary back when it was airing but man.. it's so overdone nowadays and as a woc.. i don't find the appeal. also like, penelope does the whole genius thing better and she isn't even half as annoying. but still better than rossi!

also id like to clarify that my ranking above is strictly just in-show content like obvs rossi is written better in fanfics just like about every character is written better

also can i just say. what is up with cm's intense hatred of women??? like haley died and and emily sort of died and maeve died and strauss died. like.. wtf?? beth disappears and we only find out in a throwaway line after an entire ep was dedicated to her growing relationship with hotch! also apparently jessica doesn't have a life outside of jack's nanny.

also like.. food for thought but it does make me hmm 🤔 that the writing got so much worst and ppl stopped watching cm after it got so much more diverse. and that it suddenly became the reid show after cm got so much diverse. just putting it out there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh I love being called kid it makes me feel like there’s more time!

Ooh exciting!! Graduation!!

Honestly, the way I agree with all of this. I understand that Criminal Minds came out in a “different time” but some of the stunts they pulled...

See, as an Asian person, the racism is different. So I don’t know what would have been better: if they had Rossi admit what he did and dealt with the fall-out or if they just hadn’t written it in at all.

Oh I know. It’s in moments like that where I’m glad they didn’t give Hotch a personality- although it would’ve been nice to see him and Emily talk when she realised why he didn’t trust her- because then I can carry on believing he’s a half decent person.

I’m pretty neutral towards canon Spencer. I’m like: cool you’re a genius and you know all this stuff. I like Penny a lot more though and there are times where I’m like: Writers please this is a crime show have character development but I do not need their entire childhood to be shown...

Yeah, I think somewhere along the line the writers gave up on the characters, which in some ways makes sense because crime show, but like... the crimes did not get more interesting or unique either soo... if I want good writing I turn to fics.

But even then, there’s so much demonising of Hotch and unnecessary Hotch and Morgan bashing that I’m like: UGGHHHH.

GENUINELY! There was no reason for Haley to be treated like crap for leaving a marriage she was unhappy in and her death reeked of misogyny. I think Emily dying was to do with an issue with the network or something like that... Maeve dying had something to do with Spencer’s actor apparently... Strauss’ death was unnecessary as well! And it felt very tasteless too.

Okay so Beth. I liked Beth. Beth was good. I haven’t gotten to the episode where they break up but I know it happens. My issue is this: Hotch didn’t need to get into a relationship after Haley to prove he had moved on, because it’s almost like they’re saying Jessica cannot act as a mother to Jack and also that he won’t be complete 

THIS IS THE THING! I have given up on good Muslim representation so now I’m like: Okay let me find things that represent other minorities well. And I really want to watch the later seasons. Like I really want to know all about Tara and Matt and Luke because they seem really cool.

However. I’m watching season 10 really slowly, just because I am, and I know that Reid goes to prison in season 12 because of Cat Adams- who seems like a really annoying unsub I’m so sorry- so I’m like: Hmm.... am I going to fast forward all of that because I really don’t care?? Probably! 

[alicedoessurveys]

Would you rather lose your best friend or your boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend anyway but id rather keep my best friend because he’s been my friend for as long as I can remember Do you think people who pay hundreds of dollars on perfume are ridiculous? each to their own, I personally wouldn't spend hundreds on perfume because I am poor  What is the last thing you tried on in a store? dungarees, which I bought  Do you know who Georgia Nicholson is? nope Do you ever sleep through your alarm? I do, but I hear the alarm in my dream until I eventually realise its my alarm and wake up 

Do you think Sophia Bush is a good actress? I don't know who that is  When did you realise you are no longer a child? I have no idea, I cant remember. I don't think it was a sudden change, it was a gradual thing like more and more having to do adult things Is sleeping naked more comfortable then in clothes? I like sleeping in underwear, but not completely naked Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? I used to be super self conscious about it but then when I joined the theatre and started doing shows that required quick changes I ended up just not caring anymore about getting my bra out infront of people

Does your best friend wear makeup? nope he doesn't  Who is someone you do not understand at all? majority of people What is your morning routine? depends on the day. usually get up and head to the bathroom, then go down for some cereal and watch something on telly while I eat. then go get dressed for the day and do whatever is on the agenda for the day. Tuesdays I get up, get dressed straight away and head to morning dance class. Sundays I get up get dressed and head to church.  Have you already met your true love? nope Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? yes, I dreamt last night that I was kissing someone but I cant remember who and its really bothering me  Do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship? at least try to fix Have you ever accidentally stepped on a cat tail? yeah its a horrendous feeling  Do you ever go to Plyrics.com? nope I don't know what that is

Did you know that when a worm is cut in two both pieces grow again and continue living? thats weird  Do veggies gross you out? don't gross me out, I just don't like them  Do you know what Bluekaffee is? nope Chicken burger, fish burger or ham burger? chicken What is the best brand of ketchup? Heinz Would you run down the street completely naked for 1,000$? if it was dark and no one was around to see it then possibly yes because I am that poor and desperate  Have you ever dated someone in secret? yes How do you get splinters out?  with tweezers What is something all relationships need to be healthy? trust, communication, humour, love Do you know who sings ‘Lover I don’t have to love’? nope Do you bring pillows and blankets on road trips? yes If a stranger adds you on facebook, do you add them back? no Does walking by yourself make you nervous? depends where I am When dog’s bark, do you think it actually sounds like ‘ruff’? sometimes  What about when cows moo? yeah How far is the airport from your house? like 20 minutes away CSI or Crimnal Minds? csi Can you make cookies from scratch? yes I love baking Do you ever send people good morning texts? no Is there someone who makes you blush when you just say hi to them? not really  Do you kiss your pets? yes Have you ever forgotten where you parked your car? omg always  Does your leg itch right now? how did you know! What’s worse then a stomach flu? all of it  Can you fall asleep in cars? not easily  Why did you go to church the last time you went? I go every week Who made you dinner last night? the pizza takeaway place  Do you say mag or magazine? magazine  Would you rather marry someone repulsive or be alone forever? forever alone Would your parents approve of you dating someone of a different race? yes How old is the oldest person you know? late 80s Do you think Americans are pigs? no What was on the last sandwich you ate? tuna and cheese Whose the last person who asked your name? someone at the theatre  Remember the loot bags you used to get at birthdays? Weren’t they awesome? they were pretty awesome yeah lets bring those into adult life When is the last time you saw a monkey on TV? I have no idea Do you buy scratch tickets? no Who has it easier: adults or teenagers? Why? dude neither, life is just difficult. teenagers have it tough because they're expected to figure out who they are and what they want to do with their life while also having to deal with hormones and shit and adults have it tough because we’re expected to have it all figured out by now and know who we are and what we want to do and pay bills and just ugh  What’s the last thing you spent over twenty dollars on? pounds because England, it was grocery shopping yesterday Would you be sad if you were 50 and still not married? I mean I hope im married by then but id also rather be single than trapped in an unhappy marriage just because im scared of being alone  Have you ever been so drunk you couldn’t even talk right? hahahaha I mean maybe slightly yes  Do you know anyone with a million middle names? nope Are brand name food items really better then store brand ones? sometimes yes, sometimes no. usually yes  Is ceaser salad the best kind of salad? I don't like salad Is it dark out yet? yes, its 10pm Do you believe that love is just an excuse to get hurt? no Is there a Booster Juice in your city? ive never heard of that If its called INTERNATIONAL house of pancakes, why isnt there one in Canada? I don't think we have that in England either, false advertising Do hugs help when you’re sad? sometimes, depends what is making me sad. also is im sad someone being nice to me tends to make me cry  How did you meet the last person you kissed? we did a show together at the theatre  Do you buy more things online or in stores? in store What is the best thing to eat with fish? I don't like fish other than tuna, and I aways have it with cheese  Isn’t it annoying when people treat music like a trend? I don’t care, man. I have bigger issues. Do online dating sites ever work? depending on what you want to get out of the dating site, yeah they can

[advicewithalways]

hi zoo!! I hope you're well. im in a bit of a dilemma. I had a job interview with a clothing store. At first i thought id be happy there if i got the job, but after learning id have to converse with customers, like go up to them gives me anxiety and my mom doesn't get it. im looking again for more jobs tomorrow but I hope I don't get the call because I'd be so unhappy and i KNOW it. I almost started shaking when we rehearsed it to see if I'd be a good fit

hey its a big deal you put yourself out there in the first place!! im someone that likes to feel that everything happens for a reason whether maybe this is the thing that tests you and helps you grow as a person or maybe its not because of how it will impact your mental health id say keep on looking and maybe find something wheres its not retail and maybe something online? or maybe not with customers idk man there are many other types of jobs but dealing with customers is gonna be rough for anyone with a certain level of anxiety 

[maxxmutt]

Hiiii venting abt skool n mental health ignore me

I've been struggling a lot this semester since it even started but wow am I ever going downhill. I'm so unhappy. I'm so stressed and anxious and worn out. I'm burnt out I think, but I have so much work to do that I don't have time to be burnt out. I've hit a point where Im sat here fully planning on skipping class today. Im going in to drop off some supllies for a diff class and buy a supply late but im not going in on time or attending my actual scheduled class lmao. That doesnt sound that bad but i was always the kid who NEVER skipped classes or dipped out early. I refused to do that but here I am, skipping multiple classes and dipping out of others midway thru.

I'm so exausted and sad all the time. I miss being able to spend time with my family at home, I never get to do that as often and I'm so upset. I'm upset abt everything I just want the semester to be over so I can breath and stop killing myself with these stress levels. I'm simultaneously stressed out of my mind trying to do work and completley apathetic and uncaring that it's late, shit quality, or that I don't show up. Idk what to do with myself. This is all so much I just wish it would stop. I want it to be over.

It doesn't help that I am built with a horrible work ethic even without the horrid mental health. My adhd loves to procrastinate, ESPECIALLY when there's more work and more stress. The worse it is the worse my work ethic is, but I haven't been able to wrangle that either.

I hate this so much but I've invested so much time and money already I may as well keep going for the next year but like. This year is so fucking god awful, if next year is like this I may just fucking drop out anyway cause withstanding this has been so hard, I also don't wanna be a coward tho.. but bc I am dealing with this kinda thing I feel like I don't belong. I don't deserve to be here bc im clearly not good or stable enough to get thru. Ik that's stupid but I don't deserve it as much as those who put in more work n effort.

I KNEW during 1st week that i should drop ome class and take my next 2 yrs slow and spread them out longer so i can actually function to do them. I knew this. And i still just left it thinking id be fine. LMAO NO. it doesmt help that that makes me feel like just when i think i am capable of things and trust myself to do more than my bad brain tells me, i cant and am actually just as incapable as my thoughts try to say. Im not capable and im not able to keep up and do the work i should be able to do.

I should really go to therapy and i know this, but I do not have the time at all. My schedule is way too busy, and I don't have the emotional or mental strength to think about booking appointments rn. I'm upset that when I need it the most I don't have the time, bc any semester would be like this. Unless I spread the rest of my degree out over more than 1 year but I'm suffering actively and ofc bc im so fucking busy I can't get that support. I'm so fucking tired. I'm so lost on what to do. Idk. Ig I'll just drop off my shit and sleep instead of doing hw lol.

[winds--of--change]

No.491

It's WED 19/04/2017 at 1057 PM

Me: hey, do you know why some people are even afraid of getting happiness?

Markus: Nope, why?

Me: people like Sunny, for example, who I am sure she could be happy as fuck, but as she said, she doesn't want to find a nice guy because she would feel boring and she would soon fuck it up but deep down i'm sure she wants a nice guy, like her

Markus: I don't remember her saying that, but sounds like she's afraid that she can't find one and says that as reassurance for herself

Me: sorry for randomness, i'm drinking alone and bit drunk lol thats why i can text so randomly to people like this

usually i just write it on my blog and feel better after that

i guess no one ever, including me wants to be alone

Markus: No worries

Me: i dont think i want to be alone like i thought i can

weird i thought i can always be by myself before man i want to cry i thought i just want to be happy to

Markus: Yeah, I know what you mean, I don't want to be alone, but I won't be with someone just because I don't want to be alone

Me: but somehow i just chose things that arent happy for me

exactly! thats why im always alone because id rather be alone than being with someone i cant even stand just because i dont want to be alone but somehow sometimes thats still so hard lol

maybe sometimes we actually never know what we want

but only know what we dont want. i dont know anymore

i just want to cry. and i did lol im crying, i dont even know why i cry

Markus: Yeah probably, the search for happiness is hard, but if it just came as soon as we wanted it, would you really be happy, or just content

Me: no actually i know i am prob a bit like sunny, i dont want to be happy because im afraid i would fuck it up so i'd rather choose something unhappy and so at least in the end, there wouldbe no devastating disapointment if nothing good comes out of it because after all i'm not afraid to lose it

Markus: I don't know, I don't think that anyone does that on purpose

Me: I know. i dont do that on purpose. somehow it just happens. i dont know what i saying or thinking anymore lol

Markus: I think it's a subliminal thing we do to not have to experience loss, because you can't lose what you never had, but you still want something so you are sad about that instead

Better to just search from the beginning then and face the pain when it arrives

Me: why am i crying? isnt it because it's really unhappy, then why cant i stop the unhappy thing? why i still do it. maybe it also all comes down to the fact that sometimes somehow we do not love ourselves enough to think we deserve happiness.

i dont know what i did wrong anymore. i just want to be with him, then after being with him, i went home, being alone like this, and cry. then what do i really want, a happiness with him, but im not even thinking about the possibility of this

and i know i should stop, but i just continue on, i want to touch him, but after doing so, i actually felt empty more

Markus: Then maybe you are sad because you know you will never be and are trying to make sense out of it while sometimes there is no sense

Me: i dont think i love him that much, but at the same time, i dont know what this is, maybe its just because he's my first and i felt attracted to him physically, even though physcally i don't think we match

Markus: It's hard to face life sometimes, especially when you like someone, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it, it's life

Me: maybe im just alone for so long i need something to spice it up i know i just need to fuck it and go with the flow

Markus: Yeah I know what you mean, it's hard being alone 😞

Me: but i dont know how i can just forget things, i am alone all the time but now somehow i cant be alone that easy any longer, and that scares me, because how can i face things ahead if i cant be alone that easy anymore, i used to be so numb, as im alone all the time, so it doesnt feel anything, but then i got to have chance to be with someone with friends i really love, and after that suddenly comparing to loneliness before, its a complete difference and i prefer being with someone like those people i was lucky to meet and be with, but in life its not easy to keep meeting those kind of people

and besides, i know that even though i can find a group of people who can accomodate me, i will somehow fuck it up, maybe im not just that good at socializing, or knowing how to be with someone, the fact that i drank alone, crying and ranting all bullshit like this lol after meeting him, is obviously to show that i shoulnd't be with him, but at the same time i chose to be with him because i dont believe in love i dont believe in romance i dont believe in forever happiness either, i dont believe in anything but myself, thats why i chose this experience so that i can get out of the traditional girl self who dreams of a happy ending, or a true love and blah blah blah shits, sorry why the hell did i msg you all this, lol i just want to live so that i could die, life is so long, too long we just have to keep thinking, no man, i should fucking get a job lol im kinda at liminal stage in-between thing, after graduation, before job thing, middle of nowhere, not quite here, not even there, and afraid to moving there because i dont know what is good for me 😭 man fuck me lol i should just........ sorry i dont even know why i text all this, actually the only one i can think of to talk to is sunny then im afraid i give her a burden again, so i ended up finding someone else which is you to rant on. i dont like myself who cant deal with my own shits alone, i forget how to deal with shits alone all by myself and thats so annoying lol its so annoying to be dependable on people, thanks for taking this lol good night ❤

Markus: It's OK, I was just making my dinner, yeah I understand what you mean, I also have a lot of problem finding people I can trust, especially people I can open up to, but I think that it's important not to give up, otherwise you don't know what you are missing!

And the job thing isn't easy either, I was lucky, I just happened to choose the education that would benefit me the most, but I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I think it all comes down to you live you learn

Me: you are lucky yoooooo!!!! and im sure you deserve being lucky because you will make the best of it, many take things for granted and dont do best they could but you will. i will be fine. thank you Markus 🙂 i will be fine. everything works out in the end. always. and you are a good cook! i wanna eat your cake again XD thanks to you i will defo come visit sweden one day! not like i think of anything to visit there lol except for...erm...abba museum or something? lol but yeah now i have you there i believe i could explore sweden as local

haha

Markus: Haha thank you I think you will be fine too 🙂 there are many things to do! If it's the summer you can do all kinds of things!

Me: yea i'm going home for a while anyway. i will bring back some vietnamese coffee for you!!! you must have some, i insist lol

Markus: Sounds great! I love coffee 🙂 At least good coffee 😛

Me: vietnamese coffeee is the bessttttt, approved by french ie victor and canadian ie sunny and. me lol and ..all over the world lol

Markus: Haha looking forward to it 🙂

Me: and, you hav to 'like' my new profile pic XP lmao

Markus: Lol, how drunk are you?

Me: i dont know lol i knocked the whole bottle so far lol

but i think i'm still at happy drunk, ok no i'm crying while laughing lol but well it's still good drunk lmao

Markus: Haha lol, just be careful so you don't fall over and hurt yourself 😛

Me: nah im just at home drinking and writing ill be fine lol

but seriously you MUST like my new profile picccc!!!!

please, boost my ego and let my vanity go viral for a little bit haha i'm counting on your like lmao 😜

Markus: OK, I'm going to sleep, nighty night 🙂

Me: lmao hai thanks for listening good night

Markus: No worries