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totaldramafan-lauri · 1 year

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A little self-discovery

Heyyyyyyy! It’s....b-been a bit! Truthfully, I....I haven’t been completely OK this week. I’ve been dealing with some stuff, but....I’ve been though worse at the same time, so it’s not a super big deal. But.....I wanted to talk about this, cuz I.....kiiiiinda alluded to it before....? Dunno if anyone saw it, tho, but..y’know.......

I-I still wanted to talk about it....

This is something that no one but me will care about, but....s-screw it, I'm already here, and this might be something I'll mention again in the future, so....here goes....

So....this has to do with....family history and stuff, so if that doesn’t interest you, keep scrolling, nothing to see here.....XD

So, I’ve had to do some CRAZY stuff in order to get over post-Eurovision depression this year. I still dunno why it got SO bad this time, cuz it’s usually not, but....yeah. I was doing pretty much nothing but rewatching Eurovision videos for weeks last month. On top of that, my favorite idol/comfort person has been on hiatus for health reasons, and his fanbase is collectively miserable and missing him horribly, which brought down my mood really badly, making it harder to move on from Eurovision which makes me happy. But....I FINALLY did something that got me over it for the most part.

And that’s that....I, uh....I revisited an old special interest of mine. I’m not sure if I’m getting back into it necessarily, but I’ve been looking at old things and having a nostalgia trip. I was last into this in early 2013 (it was one of the last special interests I was into before Total Drama and me getting this blog), so it’s been a while. And....yes, it does have ties to Eurovision for me. It's how I first discovered Eurovision, which....is a really weird story. KeepinmindI’mAmericansoIHADtolearnthroughaweirdway*cough*

Now, I’m not gonna say what this is, cuz it’s not SUPER important to this topic. It’s just the catalyst for it. This is its own can of worms. And honestly, altho I look back on this thing very well (and I consider it one of the best fandoms I’ve ever been in), I’m also embarrassed by it in the present day. This isn’t something I’d really recommend to people. I’m happy it exists, but I’m worried if it’s.....aged well enough to point new fans toward it, is what I’m saying.

All I’ll say for now is that....it has to do with world history, and leave it at that.

(If anyone is interested in me talking about this, and don’t mind me potentially talking about weird stuff, I AM more than happy to explain. There’s a LOTTA stuff I can talk about, seriously. XD I had a lotta great experiences in that fandom, and could basically talk about it all day if I could. It was one of those fandoms that I had multiple phases of. It basically ruled my life for many years, and it helped me learn certain things about myself that are....still getting mileage today.....and again, it’s the reason I got into Eurovision, which I STILL love today, so....NEED I SAY MORE? It’s very close to my heart. I just don’t wanna talk about it RIGHT NOW cuz it’d lead to a huge tangent.)

Point is.....I’m revisting it. I’m looking at old stuff I saved, and even stuff related to it that I made myself. It feels like I’m 18-21 again......and, through that....I remembered that.....there was something I’d started to do, that I’d stopped when I moved on.

I was.....learning Croatian. In 2013....

And I stopped....

I had a whole list of words I’d learned even, and I- I forgot all about, it-

So, uh...I know that sounded REALLY REALLY RANDOM, so- uh-

The same time I was in this fandom, I was part of a subfandom for this group of OCs I really liked, and- g-gosh, this is going all over the place, pffffff- b-but, these OCs, had to do with the history of Yugoslavia and the countries it became and- I sound so stupid right now- P-point is, it was a really weird coincidence, that this happened, not that long after I learned that I’m one-quarter Croatian!

So......family-related rambling time:

So, I knew that my dad’s side of the family was Greek. And that my paternal great-grandparents (none of which I got to meet) were immigrants. But....I didn’t know everything for the longest time. I knew I was Greek, cuz fun fact my last name is VERY Greek, and we celebrate Greek Easter instead of regular Easter (I’m PRETTY SURE I’ve mentioned this on my blog before?). We also follow a few other Greek traditions, and I was taught a few words. And indeed, SOMEWHERE in my grandparents’ house, we still have my grandpa’s parents’ Ellis Island papers when they came to America from Greece. My grandpa is very much Greek.

But.....what about my grandma? Through my childhood, I thought she was also Greek, she’s always just fit in with the traditions and stuff.....I knew that I was told her maiden name when I was young, but I forgot it....and no, turns out she isn’t Greek. Turns out, as I learned randomly as a teenager....she’s actually Yugoslav. But wait, that country doesn’t exist anymore! It DID exist when her parents left it, but....not anymore. I was briefly curious about what she’d identify as in the modern day, but never asked and promptly forgot for a few years cuz it wasn’t a big deal.

BUT, in 2012-2013, somewhere around that time, in a random conversation with my grandpa and uncle, things finally came together. She was playfully poking fun at Greeks, and my grandpa made a joke about Croatians in response.

And it came together, exactly where she was from, and I could say what every part of me was without using outdated words. I was like....”that’s neat” at first, but I didn’t really dwell on it for a while.

But THEN, this fandom happened again! And it got me interested in world history, and I hyperfixated on this group of popular OCs from it, and.....i-it led me to blogs, and art, all dealing with.....all this history, through the lens of characters I liked, and I realized that I was kinda.....learning about a p-part of myself? And through it, I got....curious about it.....? It seemed so interesting to me all of a sudden.....?

I’m....one-quarter Croatian. Yet, I was raised as if I was half Greek. I....didn’t KNOW anything about Croatia or Yugoslavia. My grandma never taught us anything about her family and how they lived. She just took on the role of my Greek grandma with my Greek grandpa and she was just fine with that. And I am too, don’t get me wrong, cuz I love my Greek side, but.....I’ve ALWAYS known and have been in touch with my Greek side. And, for once, I was like...VERY curious all of a sudden, sparked by fandom of all things, to discover my Croatian side.

Through this RP account I used to follow (RIP Formspring), I got interested in the language. I taught myself the alphabet and a few phrases. I also watched a YouTube documentary on the history Yugoslavia once (dunno if it’s still up) and hooooly crap Croats are badass (there’s no other word to describe that, pfffff). That country has been through a LOT and WON. The fact that I probably have distant relatives over there that fought through all that for their independence REALLY interested me. Ashamed as I was to admit it, I got really into learning about Croatian history, all thanks to this really weird coincidence of discovering I’m part Croatian and then almost immediately after, discovering a Croatian character I liked that talked about his history a lot. All the while, jumping between this and a historical comedy anime. It was probably one of my weirdest summers interest-wise. One day, I’d be looking up art of ships I like, and the next, I’d be learning a new thing about Croatia. A fun fact, or a not-so-fun fact, or a new word or phrase, or something completely random from this blog I followed, pffff....

I was super into learning about this seemingly-random country that I was slightly embarrassed about it, and didn’t really talk a lot about it to others. It would’ve been easy to say “my grandma’s from there”, but I dunno, part of me didn’t feel like that was a good enough excuse to admit I’d watched war documentaries. Guess I felt....guilty, so I hid it.

And then.....I stopped.

I got into new interests. It happens. I couldn’t stay fixated forever. The fact that it was a short Kirby’s Return To Dreamland phase, and then Total Drama of all things happening, that led me away is kinda funny to think about......but, eh, with how problematic my old fandom....could PROBABLY be viewed as, I guess I’m happy I avoided having a Tumblr while I was an active fan? Again, it was probably the best fandom I’d ever been in, but.....y’know, with time, things could’ve gotten uglier if I was actively gushing over it, so it kinda does feel like I dodged a bullet. I could easily see myself pissing off a hatedom.

But.....here I am again. I came back. Not to the fandom as a whole, but just feeling nostalgic and looking back at old stuff. And lo and behold, I remembered my old project eventually. I kinda felt bad that I stopped for dumb reasons, but then again, I started for dumb reasons too......

I still remember the alphabet, and a few words. Part of me still wants to learn how to speak in...even small sentences at one point. Not enough to wanna take lessons, but...step-by-step by myself. It’s a “what if” situation. Maybe I never will be able to speak it, but one can dream.

So....yup, that’s what I’ve been up to this past month or so. I’m not watching war documentaries this time, thank god (seriously, 21-year-old me went to the darkest places first, huh >__> Dang history fixation), but I’ve been looking up videos on several locations in Croatia, for one. Gorgeous place. If I could, I’d try to go there, but social anxiety makes it REALLY HARD to bring it up to my family, especially when I’ve NEVER brought it up before. But even in videos, I am immersed when I look at it. It’s my dream vacation (well, one of them). Split is one of the prettiest places I’ve seen in my life. Which, again, I did NOT expect. I’ve heard multiple people talk about the prettiest countries in the world, but did anyone mention Croatia? Nooooo! But it’s a very touristy country for Europe, it’s just that Americans don’t talk about it. Hmph! >__> Not only that, but.....Croatian music. SO much music. SO MUCH. I’m mainly using music as a way to learn new words, and....I got hooked. It’s REALLY WEIRD to say that the music I’ve been listening to has been one-third Eurovision, one-third K-pop, and one-third random Croatian songs from playlists I found on YouTube.

It’s been....a LOTTA Eurodance, actually. I didn’t search for any specific genre of music, I just looked up “hrvatske pjesme”, found a playlist, and it was mostly Eurodance, which I did NOT expect! From the kinda songs Croatia sent to Eurovision, I didn’t really associate them with dance music, but....turns out, they’re REALLY GOOD at dance music? Who would’a guessed.....Seriously, I’m tempted to queue up some of the best songs I’ve been listening to to prove this. I might still do that....

(This doesn’t mean I’m gonna be developing a bias when it comes to Eurovision, tho. I’m still unbiased at heart =P I’ll be happy to have a good song, but if it’s mid, I’ll still say it’s mid. If anything, I might be HARSHER since I know how good their music can be now. And I’m not gonna hold back if 2022 happens again, Hrvatska. Oprostite. =P)

(D-don’t get me wrong, I’m not MAD that they don’t send the stuff I’ve been listening to to Eurovision, cuz.....well, it’s junk food. It’s not for everyone, especially here in the 2020s. XD Going the Balkan route makes more sense. Even this year, when they were taking the piss...still, that song was clever and had a message, which is more substance than Eurodance has, pfffff)

To think that this was all sparked by a fandom....that THAT’S what it took for me to fixate on learning this part of myself. But it’s true. It’s....e-embarrassing, yes. And it really only is one quarter of myself. I really could’ve went the rest of my life without doing any of this. But....my brain works in weird ways. And my interests can be super unpredictable. That’s a fandom that, again, I might talk about another time, but.....it really is super important to me for multiple reasons, and this is one of them - leading me to learning about my grandma’s country and its culture and history.

Why am I sharing all this? Cuz.....for one, I might be following this up with sharing Croatian songs on here in the future, or referencing E.T (Electro Team) or Colonia next Eurovision season, or even something else might pop up. It might seem super random, cuz, again, I’m American.....so I wanna explain where it came from. And also, cuz this started before I joined Tumblr, I...never got to talk about this weird interest of mine before. So...it feels good to finally get it out.

Again, it’s only a quarter of myself, but it’s something that makes me unique, and I’m still happy discovering it.

#lauri talks to herself #i hope this made sense to those you read it #if not then....it at least feels good to finally talk about #i know this is a really random thing to have interest in #but thats nothing new to me

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