#not see a flying fck until u smash it into their face

[wandarogers]

Your eyes the most remarkable shade of blue. And yet somehow they shine brighter when you are kind.

[sher-soc-the-famder]

Full Deck

Summary: Roman loved his soulmates. He was lost to them, which was good. Seeing as it meant that he'd only end right back up with them.

Word Count: 2124

Pairings: LAMP

Warnings: Mild language

Notes: Happy End of Ace Week gays! Have one final fic for iiiiit! You get an Ace! You get an Ace! YOU get an Ace! Everyone gets an Ace!! Thanks for sticking with me for this! See y’all next year!!

Read On AO3

Roman groaned as his phone buzzed next to his ear. He gritted his teeth and shoved his face into his pillow even more. He missed the warmth on either side of him, but at least the blanket was soft. He could get away with sleeping in for at least another hour before his alarm went off. Probably.

His phone practically threw itself off his nightstand and Roman dove for it. His elbow crashed against the wood of his drawers and he hissed at the pain. He squinted at his phone. Whoever was contacting him this early in the morning had better have a good reason. It wasn’t even past ten yet!

The string of texts that shone in his eyes made no sense. Roman scrolled through the history, amusement building as he read them.

Gloomy Gus 9:15 am: fck

Gloomy Gus 9:15 am: i mean fuck

Gloomy Gus 9:16 am: whih f u has my kys?

Gloomy Gus 9:16 am: *KEYS

Specs 9:18 am: I believe that I have them.

Specs 9:18 am: And please remember to breath Virgil.

Specs 9:19 am: I am on my way to your location now.

Gloomy Gus 9:21 am: thnz Lo

Gloomy Gus 9:21 am: also have p’s glsses

Softest Puffball 9:24 am: Oh! that’s where they went!

Softest Puffball 9:24am: thanks V!

Gloomy Gus 9:26 am: no prob

Roman snickered to himself. He slid out of bed, stretching until he felt his bones pop. If his lovely soulmates were going to be heading back home by the sound of it he may as well prepare them a grand feast. Patton, at the very least, would have likely skipped out of the door earlier without a second thought about eating.

It wasn’t until he stepped out of the shower, toweling his hair dry that his phone buzzed again. Expecting another update on Today’s Lost Items Adventures(™), Roman flicked it open as he wandered towards the closet. His hand froze before it could wrap around the handle and his heart dropped beyond his toes. All the way through the floor. Roman didn’t know since he couldn’t feel it anymore.

Sandman-ster 9:43 am: Heeeeey gurl

Sandman-ster 9:43 am: u sstill up for the aro-ace party tonight

Sandman-ster 9:43 am: u kno i need an ace up my sleeve ;)

Sandman-ster 9:44 am: this aro will fly tru

Sandman-ster 9:44 am: promise

Sandman-ster 9:44 am: nail painting gurl

Sandman-ster 9:45 am: u can’y miss it!!!

Roman shifted, rocking back and forth on his heels. He wanted to go to the pride celebration with Remy. He wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality, not really. He just- Roman worried- Roman took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He closed his phone screen and tossed it onto the bed.

He didn’t want to lose what he had was all.

Roman dug through the clothes in the closet, making a mental note to tell Logan that Virgil had regressed to dropping things on the floor again. Patton’s cardigans bunched in the back corner, wrinkled and no longer folded like last night. Roman’s lips twitched up in amusement. Either Patton hadn’t wanted Virgil to feel alone in his mess or he had forgotten to refold them this morning.

Adorable either way!

He slung on the first white shirt that caught his eye, leaving it unbuttoned as he wandered out towards the kitchen. He didn’t have anywhere to go today, so the shirt was more so that Logan didn’t give him The Eyes Of Self-care Disappointment(™) that followed their backs with varying degrees.

Roman wasn’t sure who got it less out of all of them, which was a little sad when he thought about it so he didn’t.

He shook his head. He turned to dig through the fridge, realizing halfway through that he had left his phone on the bed. He debated going back to grab it because if he didn’t reply then Remy would text him all day up until the point they were rolling in through the door of the party. Roman stared at the eggs, maybe it would be best if he didn’t.

He still didn’t know what excuse to give his soulmates about being out that late. Logan would want to know what sort of party he was going to so that a designated driver could be selected. Patton would want to go with him. Virgil, well.

Virgil would see right through all his bullshit and then. And then. Instead of calling him on it like a sane person would! Virgil would blame himself and the whole mess would be Roman’s fault. Again. So just no.

No, it was far easier to stay home and watch Disney with his partners again.

Roman breathed through his nose. It didn’t matter. He’d be fine. The topic of sex hadn’t come up between them yet. Logan wanted to get them all settled in with jobs before taking things further. Roman wasn’t entirely sure Patton even knew what sex was. And Virgil would never ever be the one to push them forward.

So long as he let them idle here for the next little (forever) while then there was nothing to worry about!

Roman tugged at his sleeves, trying not to rub at his temples. He pulled the eggs out of the fridge a shade too hard. He honestly would have rathered they brought sex up, even once. Just so that he could know where they all stood. He set to work on making a pair of omelets (ham, peppers, onions, and cheese for Logan and himself, regular egg and cheese for Patton and Virgil), cracking the eggs against the bowl. He probably reached in the sound a bit too much.

Whatever, find stress relief where you could, as Virgil would say.

He slid the first omelet onto a plate around the same time the door smashed against the wall and Virgil skid into the house like his heels were on fire.

“Where’s Logan?!”

“Not here yet, Five Nights at Paranoia,” Roman pointed at a chair and gestured at the omelet. “May as well sit back, relax, and please, enjoy the show. Mr. Frizzle’s on his way, no doubt he’ll be here soon to make more sense than the rest of us combined.”

Virgil threw himself into the chair, the legs screeching against the ground at the action. Roman watched as he tossed Patton’s glasses carefully onto the table and ran a hand through his hair. He carefully, more carefully than if he was alone, took the second omelet off the stove.

“Don’t think you can distract me by quoting NateWantsToBattle at me,” Virgil snapped, his eyes tracking Roman’s path around the table to him. “You didn’t even get it right!”

“That was on purpose!” Roman protested, reaching out to rub at the knots in Virgil’s shoulders. Virgil tensed and then melted under the touch. Roman did have magic hands, so he’d even excuse Virgil ignoring the food he had worked so hard on. “It was to distract you, clearly!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Virgil grumbled, tilting his head back to give Roman better access. Roman hummed, enjoying the warmth of Virgil’s skin under his thumbs. Why anyone would want more than this he didn’t understand. What could be better than making the men he loved happy?

“Virgil!” Patton shouted from the doorway. Roman jumped at the noise.

“On the table Pat!” Virgil shouted back.

Patton streaked into the room, snagging his glasses off of the table. He leaned over to peck them both on the cheek before running off towards the bedroom, shouting over his shoulder. “Iloveyouguys! Iforgotmynotebooktoo!”

Roman laughed, reaching up to run his hands through Virgil’s hair.

“Better?”

“Almost,” Virgil muttered. “Still need my keys.”

“Well!” Roman declared, “Logan should be walking through the door in three… two…. one!”

Logan’s sigh echoed through their house and Roman grinned. He leaned down, hand out in front of Virgil. He danced victoriously as Virgil gave him a bemused high five, watching him with an unmistakable fondness in his eyes. Logan pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Why must you insist on acting like this?” he muttered.

“You love me and you know it!” Roman sang, his happiness quadrupling as Logan leaned over to peck his cheek just like Patton. He leaned over to kiss Logan’s nose, dancing away with a laugh as Logan’s face turned bright red.

“God, help us all, I do,” Logan’s lips twitched upwards. He turned to Virgil and with a flick of his wrist, tossed Virgil’s work keys back to him. “And please refrain from losing anything else today. I’d rather not explain to my boss why I had to leave twice for my soulmates.”

“Sorry,” Virgil’s eyes dropped and Logan reached out to run his thumb against Virgil’s cheek.

“I did not mean it as an attack against you dear,” Logan said simply, “Merely a request.”

Whatever Virgil opened his mouth to say was lost in Patton’s return. Patton skid in, eyes bright and Roman’s phone in one hand, his notebook in the other. He settled himself right into Roman’s side, waving the phone like a victory flag.

“I got this for you Ro!” he chirped. “Better to grab it now than forget about it and have it end up with Virgil again.”

“Thanks, Pat,” Roman said, taking the phone and trying not to hold it like a bomb about to go off. He felt it vibrate in his hand again. Remy no doubt, still looking for his reply. “I appreciate it.”

“No problem kiddo!”

Patton giggled, skipping over to press a kiss to Logan’s cheek and Roman didn’t think he could take it anymore. The flag he had once worn with pride seemed to drag on his shoulders, despite not being there at all. And maybe that was the problem. Maybe that’s why every interaction with his soulmates felt tinged with a lie.

“I’m asexual!” he blurted. Silence fell like a hammer against the stained glass of his world. He swallowed thickly, shifting back and forth on his feet as the other three stared at him. He tucked his hands behind his back to hide their shaking.

“Oh my god,” Virgil breathed, and Roman screwed his eyes shut to brace for the blow. “You too?!”

Roman’s eyes snapped open and he stared at Virgil’s wide eyes.

“Well, that certainly explains a lot,” Logan said, and Roman whirled to look at him. Logan tapped his chin in thought, “I had thought it was just myself, and that the lack of... forward progress in a sexual nature was because of my own disregard of it.”

He grinned at them.

“Which is to say, me three.”

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at Patton, who shrugged. He held his hands out and grinned. A sheepish laugh slipped from his lips.

“I have no idea what that means, but I admit that I’ve never really wanted to uh, you know…” he trailed off awkwardly.

Roman couldn’t help the slightly hysterical laugh that escaped his mouth. He bent over laughing in relief and the hilarity of it all. What were the odds? Soulmates indeed. He could almost believe that it had all been planned. Four aces in a row. Four of a kind, full deck.

He froze. And the best idea hit him.

Roman wrapped his fingers around Virgil’s wrist, dragging his soulmate forward past the pride flags that hung on either side of the door. He nodded at the clearly marked asexual bouncer and the aromantic one, each standing under their respective flags. Virgil muttered something under his breath. Roman ignored it.

Tonight was for adventure! And fun! And pride!

And Virgil was going to enjoy all three if it was the last thing Roman did!

“Hey, gurl!” Remy called and Roman waved enthusiastically. “You made it after all!” Remy’s sunglasses slipped down as he stared at the pair of them. Roman watched as his eyes slipped past them to Logan and Patton behind them. “What’s with the suits?”

Roman grinned even wider. It had taken a bit to explain everything to Patton, and then convince the others to play along. But it had been worth it.

The red paint shaped like a diamond on his cheeks, matched with the hearts on Patton’s. Virgil had refused to sit still for the clubs on his, and Roman still fought the urge to straighten the lines out. Logan sat through the spades with a stoic intensity that belated how the excitement in his tone as he answered Patton’s questions.

“Oh you know,” Roman couldn’t help but preen, “We’re just a full deck.”

[jksofficialwifey]

Not so badass boyfriend jk and the cockroach fiasco drabble ♡

wc: 1,700smthin (i added some sht rn so the wc got messed up)

warnings: cockroach death, mentions of the word cock & pussy, sexual themes, this is somewhat a crack drabble

this was inspired ofc by my favorite beings in the world: roaches. jk. i h8 them so much & theres so many in our house and i just wan di3 but i decided to write this shtsterpiece instead. anyway here it goes enjoy or wutevs! jk.

You were cuddling with your boyfriend Jungkook on the sofa in his dorm, while watching a movie with all of your friends, (all of the other bts members + you're all uni students btw) when an unwanted visitor decides to fly and land on top of jk's TV.

It was your most hated winged creature to ever exist on this entire fracking planet, and it doesn't help the fact that your mortal enemy could withstand a nuclear explosion. Although they aren't that invincible, and could easily be killed by being squashed, hit with a slipper, or by being sprayed with an insect spray. You still hate that a few of them can survive high levels of radioactivity. Anyway, going back to the bothersome cockroach that's stressing you a lot, maybe more than your weabooass-mayhaps-secretly-or-not-so-secretly-a-furry-gamer boyfriend, the horrid thing just flew again, now towards your direction. Making you flinch and scream a little, also making your boyfriend surprised by your sudden movement and screaming. "Baby are you okay?" he asked in a worried tone. "Guk...there's a jungcockroach. Kill it please, you know I hate it so much." you told him in a pleading voice.

"Where? and did you really have to call it jungcockroach?" he asked, and you looked around trying to find where the fck it is now, "Idk, it flew in our direction and oh- there it is! just right next to you on the wall! omg kill it! get it away from me!" you screamed, startling jungkook. Which also made him scream in his high pitched voice, because he was shocked. Your friends also wondered why you were screaming and shouting, and when they finally saw the reason why, they were alarmed too. Hoseok screamed and said, "OMG I'm going out of this room until you kill it. ohmygod I hate bugs!" Jin also screamed loud and decided to follow him out of the room. Joon, yoongi, jimin, and tae didn't seem too bothered. They just looked concerned for you.

The cockroach flew again, but it went to the floor, and crawled somewhere in the room. You weren't that scared of it now, that it wasn't flying anymore. But it still wasn't dead, and you were still a little afraid if it reappears, and flies again. Though, you could blame your boyfriend's scaredy ass for not killing it and just screaming at it. Like you did.

"Guk, why didn't you kill it? you just screamed like those undercover agent guys from that white chicks movie." you asked him, mocking the way he sounded a bit, cos he screamed like a girl. "In my defense, I was shookt because you screamed, which made me scream too." he said rather defensively. "Really? or is it because you're afraid of cockroaches like me too? oh my god. and I merely agreed to date you, because I thought someone would finally protect me and kill these pests for me. You were such a badass when i met you though, it turns out you're just as scared of them as I am. How saddening," you asked him, and joked about only dating him because you thought he'd kill these annoying pests for you. But he didn't quite get it and took it a bit seriously to which he replied,

"I just don't like them or bugs in general okay? It doesn't mean I'm scared of them. And what do you mean you merely agreed to date me because you thought I'd kill em for you? I clearly remember you saying, you'll date me because my big cock's a keeper." he said smugly, to which your friends faces wrinkled in disgust. "Um, guys we're still here, pls don't forget." Jimin had said.

"Sorry guys. But sure, whatever you say baby guk, don't worry I won't break up with you. Even though you're scared of bugs," you teased jungkook. "I really am not scared of damn cockroaches though, that pest should show up now. And I'll prove to you that I'm not scared of them." He said too proudly, and not long after, it did show up flying towards his shirt. He tried to fight it, but he shook it off his body instead. Staring at it wide-eyed after doing so til it fell to the ground, and jimin stomped it with his foot, and all his might, ending the nasty thing's pathetic life. "Well, you really proved you're not scared of them gukie. Thanks to jimin though," you said sarcastically. "Jimin ssi, you should become my new boyfriend. I'm breaking up with gukie, cos I need a brave man with real balls to protect me." you told jimin coming up to him, but you really just wanted to get jungkook worked up. Jungkook just glared at you looking annoyed. You actually succeeded in getting under his nerves.

While you were busy teasing jungkook, you didn't notice another cockroach appearing. But this time jungkook had an evil plan, "Um hyungs, why don't y'all go out for a bit. I'm just gonna talk to y/n about our relationship, or whatever that's left of it." he said, feigning to look angry, being like the great actor he is. Sensing that you and jk might have a couple fight, the hyungs obeyed and went out of the room, leaving the two of you alone.

"Y/N, how unfortunate, it's just the two of us left, jimin can't protect you now." Jungkook said with an evil smirk. "What do you mean guk? he killed the cockroach already, I won't have to worry about one for awhile." you replied. Jk found it amusing you didn't even see another cockroach crawling towards you.

"Oh. But what if there's another one? idk baby, but I think that nasty thing crawling towards you looks like a fracking cockroach to me." He said triumphantly, and when you looked down, it was indeed another annoying roach. You moved away from it, but it looked like it was crawling towards the wall instead. "JK kill it please, I can't deal with another one again ughhh. Why won't they stop attacking me?" you were so annoyed and distressed, you just wanted to disappear forevs. "What's that baby? you want me to kill it? oh i dunno if I can though cos I'm so scared of bugs, maybe you could do it yourself since you're so brave. Or you could call jimin, but I think they went home already. Anyway, maybe I'm gonna go out for a bit. Goodluck with your friend..." his cocky ass said, heading for the door.

But he isn't really gonna leave you alone with that nasty pest right? you won't let him. "Ughhh baby I take it all back. You're not a coward, you're the strongest and bravest person in the world! so get rid of the nasty creature now pleaseee." you said loud enough so he can hear and reconsider leaving you to die by the hands of a dirty cockroach, "Really? just awhile ago, you were saying you were gonna leave me for jimin though. But since I'm a merciful being, I'll help you and do it, if you beg again nicely and do something for me in exchange." he wants you to beg again and do something for him, of course. "Fine. My brave and ever so handsome boyfriend, can you pretty please kill that cockroach for me? I was just kidding when I said I'll leave you for jimin sir, I would never choose another person who'll never have the same big dick energy as you. I'll certainly do anything you ask me to do in exchange."

"Well since you asked nicely, I'll get rid of it now for you, baby." he then approached the oblivious insect which was now at the wall, it didn't fly yet but before it could do so, jk had hit it with a book making the roach fall to the floor. He then proceeded to stomp on it, to make sure it wouldn't live anymore. "Done, that was gross. Oof. I didn't realize I used Jin hyung's book that I borrowed to kill it. Maybe I'll just tell him to wipe the cockroach's juices off of it." he said uncaringly.

"Ew. Shouldn't you wipe it yourself before you give it back, like a good person? Anyway, thanks for doing it for me baby, I knew you were still a bit scared but you still did it anyway. And I really was just joking when I said I only agreed to date you, so you could protect me. Ok, maybe that wasn't entirely false, but i love you, you brave bun perfect or not. And I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world." You were being soft, but he just had to remind you of the thing he asked for, in exchange of getting rid of the pest.

"I love you too baby, and I really wasn't scared anymore, because It was fun seeing you scared and wanting me to be your hero. I'm still not gonna wipe that roach's juices off jin hyung's book though, cos I don't feel like being a good person today. And about that thing I want you to do...I just want you to wash my dishes for a month, and don't bother me when I'm playing my video games. It's not too much isn't it?" he said smirking.

"Of course it isn't baby, though I guess you won't be getting a blowie or any type of action for a month then. We're not frickfracking for a month, how tragic. But my glowing fidget spinner anal plug and me will still enjoy, idk about your hand though," you retorted. "What? baby nooo. I changed my mind, you can annoy me anytime even when I'm playing, just don't take away my smashing privileges. I wouldn't last a day, without your pussy in my cock." he exclaimed.

"That's what I thought so. I'm gonna shower now my brave cockslayer, cos all that roach fiasco got me feeling nasty. you're more than welcome to join me if you like." you said, as you went to the bathroom to shower. "I'm coming, I wouldn't pass up a great opportunity to use my privileges, as always."

♡

A/N: sorry for the grammatical errors/typos as always. yk i can't write for sht but I still do bec it's fun to share my crack ideas w/fellow crackheads shsh. I tried to edit this but u cant rlly notice it cos i suck at writing 😂 anyway it's just a drabble bec i h8 flying cockroaches sm!