#not really spoilery though

[evviejo]

STAR TREK: DISCOVERY - S5E1 Red Directive

[teaandbatteries]

Willing Sacrifice - Mason x Evelynn

Her heartbeat. It was quiet, it was uneven, it was stuttering, but it was there. The sound of it was the last thread holding Mason's sanity in place.

He was standing in front of the closed door of the operating theater, deep in the heart of the medical wing of the Agency's Wayhaven facility. Forehead pressed against the harsh steel door, he closed his eyes and forced himself to take slow breaths; with each inhale, he counted the beats of the fluttering heart, muted but audible through the door.

There were other hearts beating within, of course - Elidor's steady thump, underlining the quicker, anxious beats the two nurses. But they were easy to ignore in favour of the unsteady, fluttering pulse he needed. It felt like his own heart was beating in time with hers - hanging still in terror with each pause, afraid that the previous beat would be the last he might hear, and then thudding hard against his ribs in relief the very instant head heard the next.

There were other sensations, too. He was vaguely aware that he was cold, his clothing soaked through with rain and blood. The smell of her blood mixed with acrid medicine clouded around him. And there were voices. Footsteps. Someone was shouting.

His eardrums felt like they were splitting. His sinuses ached. The chilled air felt like a thousand tiny needles on his skin. But it all felt unimportant - hardly more than a vague annoyance. Nothing mattered but listening for the next beat of Evelynn's heart.

Because if he didn't hear it... If she didn't survive.... And it was his fault...

Mason gave a shuddering grunt as his stomach twisted painfully at the thought.

Someone was standing next to him. Close enough that he could feel their body heat, even though they weren't touching him. They were shouting. There was another voice, too, almost as loud, almost as close. He had to strain to hear Evelynn's next heartbeat over the noise. He couldn't care less about the noise itself, but he would end anything that threatened to drown out the only sound that actually mattered.

Mason whipped around to come face-to-face with Rebecca, a vicious snarl ripping out of him - a promise of such violence that Adam took several steps towards them, as if he feared he might have to intervene.

Rebecca didn't move. She didn't even pause in shouting at him. "--supposed to protect her!"

Nate tried to step in, his expression torn. "Agent Fair--"

Rebecca didn't seem to even hear him, continuing her tirade unbroken at Mason. "Explain to me how you let this happen!"

"And you're supposed to be her mother," Mason hissed.

The implication in his tone was finally enough to make Rebecca stop yelling. Her face went ashen with enough anger that it seemed she wasn't able to put her emotions to words.

Mason took a step forward, forcing her back. "So maybe you can explain to me why the fuck she thought it was a good idea to step between me and a fucking bullet!"

The change in Agent Fairwood was instant. The fury twisting her features slackened to horror. "She... what? Why?!"

"You fucking tell me!" Impotent frustration spilled out of Mason in a wordless roar, and he spun on his heel to punch the wall behind him, sending chunks of cinder-block flying.

Adam was next to him an instant later, a hand laid gently over Mason's throbbing fist. His eyes were filled with sympathy, but his tone brooked no argument, "I know. But if you do anything to endanger Evelynn's care, I will remove you."

Mason pulled his lips back, as if to snarl again. But underneath the aimless anger, there was another feeling, suffocating in its power, that demanded he listen because she mattered more than his rage. Mason forced himself to take a deep breath, closed his eyes, and nodded slowly.

In the meantime, Rebecca had collapsed into one of the waiting room benches, staring aimlessly at the door of the operating room. "Why would she...?"

Nate took a seat next to her. "The bullet was laced with DMB."

As Adam withdrew from Mason's side, Mason was left standing with his forehead pressed against the door once again. But it seemed now he remained at least partly aware of what was happening around him, because he ground out a response to Nate's comment; "What the fuck does that matter?"

"Enough to kill most vampires," Felix added softly.

Mason's hands curled into fists. "So? She fucking knows I can handle more DMB than most vampires. I would have been fine."

"Possibly," Adam answered, leaning heavily against the wall. "But evidently, that was not a risk she was willing to take on your life."

This time, another snarl did escape out of Mason as he turned to glare at Adam. "But it was a risk she was willing to take with hers?!"

The waiting room fell into an uncomfortable silence. The answer was obvious, but no one wanted to say it aloud. Mason knew very well that it was true. Nobody needed to say it, and it felt cruel to give unnecessary voice to his torment.

He gave a shuddering breath, one that sounded unpleasantly like a swallowed sob, and let himself slide down the wall to sit on the sterile linoleum, his head bowed and his hands curled tight in his hair.

Rebecca stared down at her hands, blinking rapidly. "I... I wanted it to be a failure. A mistake. A hole in procedure that could be filled. But we can't protect her if she would choose to..."

A sharp breath from Mason interrupted her, and she looked over to see him hunched even further forward, his shoulders pulled up to his ears, his fingers digging into his temples. She fell silent. He'd already borne the weight of her fear through her blame. He didn't need to be burdened further.

---

No one was entirely sure how much time had passed. No one had moved for however long it had been. The heartbeat was still there. Still fluttering. Perhaps just a little stronger.

The operating room door opened to Elidor. Everyone was on their feet in an instant. Most waited with baited breath for news, but Mason had no intention of waiting to hear what had happened to her. He needed to see her. Now.

Elidor didn't even have the chance to speak before Mason had ducked under his arm and disappeared into the operating theater.

"I-- She's not--!" A door slammed from inside, and Elidor pursed his lips in irritation, his gaze swinging back to those still waiting in front of him. "The rest of you can meet me at the observation room down the hall, where she is recovering from surgery." He stepped back and snapped the door shut again, grumbling to himself as he followed Mason.

There was a door inside the operating room which led directly into a series of hospital rooms, intended for those under medical observation after surgery. Evelynn had already been delivered to one when Elidor went to speak with Unit Bravo. Mason was already inside by the time Elidor caught up.

When he opened the door to the observation room, he found Mason seated on the floor next to Evelynn's bed. The position was nearly identical to the one he'd adopted while waiting for news - his head hanging between his knees, his fingers buried in his hair. But the tension threatening to tear him in half had eased; not gone, but lessened enough to make his exhaustion apparent.

Elidor came to a stop just in front of Mason, towering over the vampire with crossed arms. "Do you really think it's a good idea to be in here while you're covered in filth?"

Mason lifted his head slowly to peer down at his hands, smeared with the rusty-brown of dried blood. He didn't answer; he just pushed himself to his feet and trudged to the sink on the other side of the room, where he began to wash his hands. "Get me some scrubs."

Elidor watched, unmoving, with a deep frown. "You hate scrubs."

Mason paused, scowling at him. "Do you want me to change or not?"

Elidor hesitated, pursing his lips. He wanted Mason to go have a shower and get changed properly. And maybe get some sleep. There were rules for a reason, and he was not going to bend them for Mason! He was not!

Elidor scoffed under his breath about "heart-strings" and pulled open a drawer, pulling out a set of blue scrubs and tossing them down on the counter next to Mason. "You need a shower."

Mason huffed out a breath. "Yeah, I know, I just..." His gaze pulled towards the bed as if drawn against his will, making him twist awkwardly even while he was still washing up.

A knock sounded at the door, and Elidor went to answer it, grumbling to himself.

Rebecca and the rest of Unit Bravo waited on the other side, each wearing hope on their faces with varying openness.

"She'll be okay?" Rebecca asked, swallowing against a voice that wobbled slightly.

Elidor nodded. "She was lucky. The bullet ricocheted off one of her ribs and only clipped one of her lungs, and the path was pretty clean. The damage could have been considerably worse. She may lose some mobility in her left shoulder, but she should otherwise make a full recovery. A slow recovery, but a full one."

"Can we see her?" Felix asked.

"She won't wake now until at least morning," Elidor answered, rolling his eyes at Felix's pout. "You can go in and see her, but not all at once. And do not try to wake her up, or I will bar all of you from her room until she's fully recovered."

"We can wait until she wakes," Adam answered - though he was looking at Felix, despite responding to Elidor.

Felix scowled. "What? But--"

Nate offered a reassuring smile. "She's fine. We know she's fine. That should be enough. Besides, we could all use a little rest, after tonight. We'll see her first thing in the morning."

Felix peered into the room, his eyes lighting on Mason, who had returned to his silent vigil at the side of Evelynn's bed. "I... Yeah, alright. I guess."

The rest of Unit Bravo trailed slowly away, leaving only Rebecca to step inside the room. She stayed only a moment - long enough to leave a kiss on Evelynn's forehead - before retreating to prepare a report on this new weapon apparently in use by the Trappers.

She paused at the door, now that everyone else had gone, and looked at Mason. "Agent, I.... apologize for what I said earlier. It was said in fear and..." She sighed. "The truth is, it gives me comfort, knowing she has someone to watch over her when I can't."

And then she left Mason alone with the sound of Evelynn's heart beat.

---

It was difficult to say how much time had passed when another set of footsteps approached the door - ones that didn't belong to one of the medical staff who came in and out to check her status from time to time.

Nate stepped into the room and frowned when he saw Mason, still sitting on the hard floor. It seemed it hadn't moved at all.

"Mason, you need to get some rest." Nate settled down on the floor next to him, peering down at his friend, hoping to see any response at all.

Mason didn't move, but Nate did hear a faint growl rumbling in his chest at the suggestion.

Nate sighed. "Why not? She'll be safe if you go clean up and get some sleep."

There was a long silence, and Nate started to think that maybe Mason was just going to refuse any conversation at all, until grey eyes peered up at him from under a mess of dark hair. "I can't, I need to hear that... that she's alive."

Nate pursed his lips. Mason did need to get some rest, but his heart wouldn't allow him to insist. Not after that. Unless...

Thinking quickly, Nate pushed himself to his feet. "I'll be back in a few minutes. Maybe I can help." And then he disappeared back into the hall.

A half hour later, the footsteps of that telltale long stride could be heard in the hallway again. Nate stepped silently back into the room, and placed a set of clothes on the floor next to Mason, with a plain plastic keycard on top.

Mason peered up at Nate, confusion colouring his expression enough that it was clear even in the dark. "What's this?"

Nate smiled, pushing wet hair back out of his face. "It's a change of clothes, and the key to the bathroom down the hall. It's meant for medical staff but I was able to convince the duty nurse to let you use it, just this once." He took a seat once more on the floor, this time opposite Mason. "There are only two walls between this room and the bathroom." He paused, lowering his voice. "You'll be able to hear her heartbeat in the shower. I checked."

There was silence, and then a deep, shuddering breath from Mason. He winced as he stood, his muscles protesting against having been held still for so long, and gathered up the pile of clothing. "Thanks."

Nate smiled. "Of course. I'll stay with her while you're gone."

---

Nate left shortly after Mason returned, freshly showered and changed out of his bloody clothes. At some point while Mason was gone, someone thought to bring a chair into Evelynn's room. He pulled it as close to her bed as he could manage and settled into it, glad that at least he wasn't going to have to spend the night on the hard floor.

He might have gotten some sleep after that. It was hard to tell if he'd dropped off between beats of her heart. He must have, because even he wouldn't have been able to get through the night without at least some sleep. Not after all that had happened. It couldn't have been long, though; he was never asleep long enough to dream.

He had fallen into a half-aware doze around dawn when Evelynn murmured something in her sleep. He was on his feet the moment he realized he wasn't dreaming her voice, though not fast enough; she woke suddenly, pushing herself upright in bed with a cry of distress, followed immediately by cry of pain as her injuries were wrenched by the motion. Her throat was so dry that it felt almost cracked, and she curled forward, coughing violently.

"Woah, sweetheart, calm down." Mason knelt on the bed next to her, a glass of water already in hand. "You're alright." His arm wrapped low around her hips, pulling her towards him as he pressed the glass to her lips with his other hand. He told himself it was only to steady her as she drank, but there was no point in trying to keep up such an obvious lie. Not when it felt like a vice around his heart released the moment he touched her.

Evelynn emptied the glass, gingerly taking it from him to finish herself. But the moment she could think of anything beyond remembering how to breathe, she looked up at Mason with wide, worried eyes. "Mason." Her voice still sounded weak and shaky, but at least now she could speak without dissolving into a fit of coughs. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Mason scoffed, an echo of that fear-fueled anger surging in him again. "Me?! You're the one who got shot!"

Eve leaned gingerly against his side for support, already feeling like sitting up on her own was too much exertion. She knew she should probably lie back down, but the terror of the shooting was still too fresh - she wasn't willing to let him go. Not yet. She needed the reassurance that he was here, warm and breathing next to her. "I know, but if it had passed through, it still might have hit you."

Mason let out a growling breath that sounded quite a lot like a murmured curse of some kind. "Let me get this straight. You're worried about me, because you think I might have been hit if the bullet passed completely through your chest?"

Well, it sounded ridiculous when he framed it that way. Eve tucked her head down against his shoulder, as if that might hide her blush - as if he wouldn't be able to feel the heat of it anyway. "...Yeah, that's... pretty much exactly it."

Mason groaned, pressing his lips to her temple before he said something stupid in his frustration. After several slow breaths, he finally ground out, "Could you please just be selfish for five fucking minutes?"

Guilt prodded at Evelynn, and she closed her eyes, unsure of how to explain. "I am being selfish." She didn't even have to look at him to sense his disbelief. She could feel it in the way his lips moved against her skin, and in the way his breath washed over her hair. Despite the situation, despite the pain, it tugged the corners of her lips into a sad little smile. "I could pretend it was heroism or self-sacrifice. But the truth is, I had to pick between potentially losing you, and getting shot." She picked awkwardly at a loose thread in the sheets. "Getting shot just seemed like it would hurt less."

A growl rolled out of him at that. Did she seriously expect him to believe this bullshit? "Oh, yeah." The sarcasm in his tone even more cutting than usual. "How selfish of you to be willing to die for every fucking person who ever ends up in danger in this town."

Some distant part of Eve's mind said that he wasn't being fair. She didn't exactly run around trying to die for people. She was willing to put herself in danger for others, sure, but that was hardly the same as taking a bullet for them. Did he really not understand? "It... wouldn't be selfish if I did it for someone else."

She felt it, the moment Mason understood just what she was trying to say. There was a beat or two of confusion, and then his spine went rigidly straight and he sucked a breath in through his teeth. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Evelynn squeezed her eyes shut, shuffling a little closer to him to tuck her head under his chin. "I told you." Her answer was so small that it was difficult even for him to hear - especially over the thundering of her heart. "I was being selfish. I picked the thing that would hurt me the least. Getting shot would hurt less than losing you. Just you." Her fingers crawled hesitantly over the sheets until she could hook one of her fingers over one of his; desperate for the affection, but afraid he was too angry or uncomfortable for the contact. "It... wouldn't be selfish if it was someone else."

The silence hung heavily over them as Mason as he tried to process what she was saying. Not the words themselves, but what she really meant - what she must feel, if this was true. It was so tempting to wrap his other arm around her and pull her closer against him. But he knew he couldn't, not without hurting her, so he caught her fidgeting hand in his instead, weaving their fingers together and holding tight.

They were avoiding the word for this feeling, both of them, as if it would make a difference. As if leaving it unsaid would protect them - would protect him, because he knew he was the coward who feared it, that she would have said it long ago if she thought he would have wanted to hear it. As if he wasn't living the very pain and fear right now that he was pretending he could avoid if he didn't give this feeling a name. As if voicing a single word would make any difference in how afraid he was to lose her.

When he finally responded, his voice was rasping and uncertain. "...Why?"

The question was so unexpected that Eve almost laughed. "You know why, Mason."

She was right. He did know. He thought it would scare him, but mostly he just felt stupid for thinking that denial would somehow protect him. The terror was still there, of course - it just was no longer the fear of giving into this feeling. It was too late for that.

Some small, puerile part of him wanted her to promise she'd never do anything like this again. But a larger, more solid part of him - a part coloured, perhaps, by that feeling he still lacked the courage to name - told him that he couldn't; if she asked the same of him, if she tried to make him promise not to sacrifice himself for her, he'd refuse. If he was the one choosing between his life and hers, he'd choose hers, every time.

And maybe... maybe there was something warm in the thought that it was unfair to ask that of her, because it meant that she felt this with the same terrifying depth that he did.

So instead, he heaved a heavy sigh, his shoulders sagging. "Yeah, well... I guess I'm selfish that way, too."

Eve turned her head to press a kiss to his collar. He could feel the smile on her lips. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For... understanding, I suppose."

A low groan dragged its way out of Mason, and he gave in, just a little, to his desire to pull her closer. "I wish I didn't."

She answered with a quick, breathless chuckle, looking up at him half-closed eyes. "I know."

Mason huffed out sigh halfway between annoyed and affectionate. "Figures. You know everything else." Untangling their hands, he brushed his fingers gently across her cheekbone.

Eve seemed to relax into him at the gesture, her eyes fluttering closed. When she opened them again, she found Mason dipping down to press a quick, chaste kiss to her lips.

"You need to sleep, sweetheart."

She caught the hem of his shirt again, pulling gently. "Will you stay?"

He chuckled, low and indulgent, in a way that said he was surprised she felt the need to ask. Settling back against the pillows, he opened his arms for her to join him and she shuffled eagerly but gingerly into place, trying to find a balance between staying a close as possible without further aggravating her injuries.

As she settled, he answered in a mumble, so quiet that she wasn't sure if she was meant to hear at all. "Not even the end of the world could make me leave."

[egophiliac]

ch 5 is coming in twsten ch5 is coming in twsten ch5 is coming in twsten (we gon die it's been a YEAR since I saw some clips and I have not emotionally recovered from the incredible deliveries by Silver's seiyuu because holy fuck) EGOOOOO ARE YOU READY TO SEE EVERYONE DESCENDING INTO MADNESS AGAIN (and a pool of tears??? MINE SPECIFICALLY)

YESSSSSS I AM SO EXCITED FOR EVERYONE ON ENG, chapter 5 is some of the most PEAK Diafamily content imo. 🤌 it's definitely my favorite part of episode 7 so far! (though 6 is pretty close...)

some (mostly) non-spoilery advice: on the hex maps, check out the non-required story cells, especially in the later parts! some are basically just throwaways, but there's some real good scenes hidden in there too that are potentially missable. 🥄 (it shows which cells you've cleared on previous attempts, so if you're low on resources and/or super impatient like me, do just the required ones to get through it, then when you're ready go back and restart as necessary to get to the others. enjoy! >:)

[cynicize]

ONE AND ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!

[crowns-of-violets-and-roses]

[dutifulsilence]

ooc ; vague EoW talk

I think EoW is going to be my Ze.li.nk game, the way BotW and TotK very much weren't. Like, don't get me wrong, I like the pair just fine and do RP it mostly on my Zel blog, but it's not a main ship in that universe to me. I never liked the way the Wild/Tears canon implied Ze.lin.k in them, because the ship felt very inorganic and mostly just shown for looks and less for story; even in TotK it feels kind of shoe-horned in to me, we never got much for real interaction for them to make it feel like the relationship had substance.

On the other hand, in EoW, we have Zelda being introduced to Link, learning about him from NPCs in the game, and finding out about their prophesized connection. It feels to me like the game is actively building something between Zelda and Link, giving us a story behind a relationship for them. Having Zelda understand Link's background as someone who fell into the rifts and turning his trauma into a way to help others, gives me the feeling that Zelda will not only come to admire Link, but have a bit of time to fall for him, a motive to rescue him.

I'm not going to lie, I'm already quite happy with their story so far in the game and definitely rooting for them.

[muninnhuginn]

the thing with teru is that for the longest time he struggles to see everyone as on the same playing field.

when he’s introduced he thinks that he’s at the top of the societal pyramid because of his powers. he thinks that mob is merely a threat he has to teach his place and it takes the best part of their fight for teru to reassess that and acknowledge that mob is a rival, but one that he is still above in this world.

when mob collapses and ???% beats him, teru realises that he is insignificant in the wider scheme of things and at the same time he ends up putting mob on a pedestal. teru believes he is insignificant because there’s a much larger power that he must bow to. he puts mob above him, an average person.

and teru sticks to that, with the admiration, the devotion where mob is essentially the new guide by which he tries to live his life up until the divine tree arc. dimple then forces teru to see him as his god instead. and that in of itself highlights the fact that teru’s devotion (whether to himself or mob or dimple) is essentially like worshipping a deity. that’s the kind of gap he sees between “average” people and those he places above them. mob breaks teru from dimple’s control and teru snaps mob back on his pedestal (’you really are amazing’). teru may have worked on himself but he still hasn’t broken from his framework that there are average people and those above them.

fast forward to his second confrontation with ???% and teru’s using his mob-guide to try and preach back to ???%. but he’s still putting mob above him, still thinks mob is untouchable and wouldn’t fail where ‘average’ people would. and then ???% deliberately puts on a show of strength that puts people in danger, he uses his powers against teru despite having previously refused to do so to the point of collapse. and it’s a real pedestal-breaking moment for teru. he thought that mob was such a moral person that he designed his whole new belief system around him. but the person at the centre of this belief system wasn’t the whole truth. that mob was just as much a false god as dimple and teru himself.

still, the philosophy is sound and teru did change for the better as a result. the pedestal and framework is broken, but that’s not a bad thing. any pedestal that high must eventually collapse.

[rowanclair]

Lapis Manalis

[hell-heron]

joking because I'm unable to articulate in words the variety of things this juxtaposition makes me feel can a lotr boy and an as*iaf girl fall in love...?

[light-wynd]

actual footage of me trying to study for exams

[sonknuxadow]

they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it

[mycatnamedlily]

total respect to those going offline till Good Omens season 2 airs but me? i've gone completely feral. i'm going to consume every art i see, read all the fics and reblog to my hearts content before, during and after it airs! i can't leave now!

[archaeos]

I'm back on my bullshit (Dragon Age)

[hephaestuscrew]

Audio Drama Sunday 24/11/2023

Here's the new stuff I've listened to in the past week and a bit:

🏠 Unwell Ep3.01-3.07 - I really liked the first couple of seasons of Unwell, and I don't know why my listening fell off midway through Season 3 in 2021. (Honestly it might have partly been that some of the dementia stuff hit too hard. Ep3.05 was A Lot in a masterful way...) But I thought I'd resume it from the beginning of Season 3, and it's been really nice to return to these characters and this world, even if I can't remember all of the context. I'm tutting at Hazel, a librarian actively withholding and distorting information. I'm shaking my head at what Rudy's gotten himself into. I'm very emotional about Wes - the first episode of this season was really moving. And I'm excited to see where things are headed!

🚀 Travelling Light, Ep1-3 - Like Monstrous Agonies, this show has such a lovely reassuring vibe. I'm in awe of H. R. Owen finishing one show and almost immediately releasing another weekly show nearly single-handedly. It reminds me a bit of the Wayfarers series by Becky Chambers, because of the exploration of the diversity of cultures across different planets and species, and the way these differences are celebrated. I've also noticed that so far the cultures described tend to be more local and specific than 'every alien of this species has this tradition' - instead it's usually about the people who come from a certain city or region on a planet. Which helps avoid some troubling attitudes that sci-fi which contrasts different species can imply. My favourite archive entry from these episodes so far was the drinking song. It felt convincing as that kind of song and was fun to hear.

🌊 The Silt Verses, Chapter 36 - This was one of those episodes that made me stop in my tracks in the street as I listened. I cared so much about the two characters who were only introduced this episode, and the ending sent shivers up my spine. I often hate listening to flirting but the flirting via memory games was unusual, sweet, and compelling in a way that made me smile in spite of the Horrors around them. Also I think Carpenter should be a bitch about unimportant things like music trivia more often. I loved her and Hayward bickering. She should get to care about things that aren't gods or rituals or matters of life and death.

🚇☕ Greater Boston / The Amelia Project, Live Crossover Episode - This was an excellently done crossover in terms of blending elements of both shows in a way that I think would work for someone who was only a fan of one or the other. I was pleased to hear Felix Trench's absurd portrayal of Mark Walhberg again, but my favourite parts were Chuck Octagon attempting to sum up the events of Greater Boston (and the Interviewer's reaction to this) and the Narrator narrating the Interviewer's response to his offer with his own exaggerated impression.

[ennaih]

Every Film I Watch In 2023:

177. No One Will Save You (2023)

[agena87]

So. What are our thoughts about ice prince (or ice-skater, I suppose) Wolfie? Yes or fuck yes?

(little video of Wolfie spinning in CAS (so you can admire his... outfit. Yes, outfit, what else would you look at?) under the cut)