furryphantomnacho

[furryphantomnacho]

While he's making nice posts and comments on fb about us divorcing(that he blocked me from), he's throwing away everything in the house, including family photos, because they're "triggering."

This is in response to him finding out that I had recorded some of our interactions. I was told that I had invaded his privacy and had only done it to fuck him over and blackmail him with later. I just wanted to protect myself. He's taken me off most of the house media accounts and disabled the camera system.

He tried to tell me he never said what he said about not wanting the girls. I told him I had proof of it.

I am now the worst person in the world. I can't take accountability. I'm on my 2nd divorce (so is he, but I guess it only counts for me?) and it's all my fault, bc now he can't trust me because I recorded hom being a shitty human. Because there's a record of his actions and words, and he can't say he never said it. Yeah, I guess I'd be pissed too.

[furryphantomnacho]

I wish I could show the world how petty you really are.

I took our girls on a well-deserved trip to celebrate the end of my classes, and I posted about it. Said they were my biggest supporters over the years. When you called today, you were angry about it. Because I didn't post you? But then you either blocked me or deleted your profile, again.

You're locked away right now, gone till September, but I'm terrified of you. I'm terrified you'll come back early. As much as I want to enjoy the peace and solitude, I can't.

You deleted your profile because I didn't say you had been my biggest supporter? You said you would pay for this semester, but you didn't. You claimed it snuck up on you even though I reminded you more than half a dozen times. I didn't have a choice but to take out the loan. You complain when I have to spend my time doing school work instead of sitting next to you. You tear the pictures off the wall and throw years of memories away when you're angry. When I repeatedly asked for help so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed, you denied me. No, you were not my biggest supporter.

When I told you that the kids were scared of you, of the potential of your anger, you got angry and blamed them. You said "Its not like I've ever hit them" and when I explained that was true, but it was the potential they were afraid of, like how you would smack the animals, or the way you responded when they expressed concern when you drew eyebrows on the cat and you said "I only threw one thing". When you called back the next day, you explained that it had hurt your feelings when I said the kids were afraid of you, you said that you don't take criticism well, that it would help if I didn't change my tone with you. . .

I can't tell people you that followed me outside when I tried to disengage from the argument to yell at me that I had been nothing more than a housewife, that I had just ridden your coattails and contributed nothing. All these things I did, like moving us, were really done by men with trucks and boxes. That it was your money and your job that paid the bills.

It's funny how that's your go-to. How it used to be important to you that I stay home to raise our kids but now I did nothing?

You had me a cake delivered. It looked like a grand gesture as you even had your boss deliver it, after he had driven you to the facility you're in. I can't believe I'm scared of you. . . me, of all people, of all the things I've been through, you shouldn't terrify me. But you do, because honestly, I don't know you at all. And like the kids, I'm scared of the potential.

[furryphantomnacho]

Today, within a 12 hour time frame, I was told that I don't take accountability, I'm just a housewife, all I've done is sit on my ass for 13 years, I'm manipulative bc I've gone to school and minored in psychology, and it's my fault for believing him when he said he would change. It's my fault I stayed.

I tried to walk away at one point, and he followed me outside where one of the neighbors heard us.

I did record it this time. Not all of it, obviously, as it was a long day, but I do have it this time. The issue is I don't know what to do with it.

Most of everyone thinks he's amazing. He'll give you the shirt off his back, but how he is in public is not who he is at home.

[furryphantomnacho]

Things were better for a bit. He stepped up more, had a decent weekend away.

We got into an argument on Thursday. Yesterday, he "gave me back the car responsibilities" (the thing he promised to do as far as split household responsibilities) because I scolded him. . .

Since then, I've been told that he makes the money (again) and that he's not going on the family vacation that I paid for because he doesn't want to be in a car with me for that long. Also, I paid for the vacation with the small amount of leftover school loan money (a loan I had to take out after he initially said he would cover the last few months but then took it back).

Then he asked for the gun back. . . That I took from him because I found out he had broken off the lock to the safe and was carrying it around on his person and in his car. . . That he drove to work.

[furryphantomnacho]

It's okay to question intentions.

It's okay to point out patterns.

It's okay to be angry.

It's okay to be upset.

It's okay to say it's not okay.

It's okay to say this still bothers me.

It's okay to say this wasn't addressed.

It's okay to say this isn't a laughing matter and it's not a joke to you.

Not everything gets swept under the rug. Just saying okay isn't okay anymore.

[furryphantomnacho]

Last night, my youngest daughter choked during dinner.

I performed abdominal thrusts and was able to dislodge the food.

I didn't sleep well last, and she ended up crawling in next to me anyway.

Today, I'm tired.

[furryphantomnacho]

I wasn't able to work through those emotions quickly. I needed a day to just reset and be inside myself and just breathe without trying to run a marathon at the same time.

I decided to take a day off. Okay, it was less of a conscious decision and more of my body refusing to give up any more spoons.

The spoon theory is an explanation of how people with chronic illnesses, mental, physical, or both, have to negotiate their energy with tasks to be completed. I have two autoimmune disorders. I swing between hyper and hypothyroidism due to a thyroidectomy because of cancer and also have rheumatoid arthritis.

I had simply run out of spoons. I had no more. There wasn't even any in the drawer.

So I did as much school work as I could handle, which was close to none, and a few other things around the house, but for the most part, I sat. I played Ark and watched a movie. I napped.

I had told him early in the day that I just couldn't do it yesterday. I explained that mentally and physically, I was drained. I needed his help. I was behind on all the house things, especially the laundry. Said he would get to it. Had a list of other things he wanted to do as well. Some of the laundry was done. He had the girls sort all the baskets, as well as wash and dry a couple of loads, and then fold theirs.

This past weekend, he did mow, weedeat, and blow our quarter of an acre suburban yard.

And he made dinner last night. It was the sausage I cooked the night before, a can of beans, rice, and cornbread. And he straightened up the kitchen afterward.

He was nice yesterday, constantly asked if I needed anything, even brought me chocolate when he had to go to the store.

I am struggling with this. I see the effort he made, notice the difference between how it normally is and how it was yesterday, but it doesn't feel genuine. It feels surface. Yes, the laundry got mostly done. . . By the children. And yes, he made dinner and cleaned the kitchen and checked on me throughout the day, but did it come at a cost?

This morning, when I got back from running an errand, he wanted to talk to me about my attitude yesterday. How I was short with people and seemed frustrated. How he had been nice all day but I was short. That's the word he kept using. Not rude or mean or nasty, but short. I admit that I was, but did I not have the right to be occasionally? When I'm out of spoons and can't function and am on autopilot, can I be excused from behaving like June Cleaver for a single day?

Many of my spoons are still in the dishwasher. I have a few for today, and they're already marked for use for school work and showering. I didn't have any set aside for that conversation this morning and reacted negatively. I know I probably escalated it a bit, and I shouldn't have. I should have just apologized instead of getting defensive, but dammit I am tired of not being able to loosen my corset for a moment.

As I was typing this, he came downstairs. Our actual wedding anniversary is soon, and the plan was to get a hotel for the weekend and go to an event I had purchased tickets for him as a gift for his birthday. I suggested the hotel as he had approached me and said that he wasn't sure what to do for our anniversary as he didn't want to get it wrong.

Sounds sweet, right? Again, we've been married for 13 years this year. All I wanted was to see the effort. This may be me being bitter and angry at the moment, but this is still not effort. I suggested it in conjunction with an event I had already planned. This way he doesn't have to put thought into getting me something based off my interests.

I even ended up picking the hotel. I'll take care of baby and pet sitters, too. And the bills afterward.

He came downstairs to ask me about the dates.

The ones on the calendar.

That automatically pops on his phone whenever I add anything to it.

Got into another argument about me being short. He said he didn't understand why i was being defensive. He was only trying to ask a question, that question being if I was short because I had run out of weed.

I told him no, my attitude last night was not because I had run out of weed. The only difference was I didn't have my prebed joint.

Saturday, after he had done yardwork and I had grocery pickup, I asked if he wanted to eat lunch with me. I took him out, in an effort to show by example maybe? I don't know. I even paid for it.

Last night, one of my kids painted me a picture. It's amazing and comical and the best thing ever because she knew I was having a rough day.

My oldest had a birthday yesterday. Our relationship is a post for another day, but know that we are working towards rebuilding things. For a long time, I was not a good parent and perpetuated a cycle that was no good for anyone. I see that. I recognize it. I accept it. I feel shame and guilt for it and at the same time, recognize my oldest owes me nothing and needs to heal in her own right. All I can do is try to show her that I'm healing too and encourage her to do what's best for her and hers, even if that means I have to watch from afar.

But yesterday, when I called her, she referred to me as mom and let me sing happy birthday to her, and it was a good conversation. I heard her baby squeal (the lungs on that one!) and said hello to her husband.

So you know, I think that's what I will focus on today. That feeling. Not the ones where I question if I do have an attitude or if I'm even allowed to have one in the first place or if I'm being ungrateful and mean, but the one that shows me that this effort that I've made into being better is worth the pain of healing.

And it is.

These may be my bitter beginnings, but there are going to be better endings.

[furryphantomnacho]

When I say it aloud, it feels petty, but I've kept a list of things I have wanted over the course of our relationship.

I wanted a proper ring set to show I was married. Nothing extravagant as I'm uncomfortable with expensive or flashy jewerly, but something that said someone put a ring on it.

A sectional sofa or decent living room furniture instead of the hodge podge of items I've bought 2nd hand or found for free over the years.

A kayak or canoe. I love to be outside when it's warm and love the serenity of gliding over calm, deep, dark water most of all.

A miniature village. I have always had a thing for those small Lemax style Christmas village displays. I know as a hobby or collection, it can get expensive, which is why I'm more than fine with 2nd hand, thrifted, or individual pieces purchased over time.

A hot tub. Again, would be ok with one purchased used as long as it was sanitized (and I'd do it myself anyway, because I like to be clean). Even an inflatable hot tub would be nice. I have arthritis and spine issues.

I think I keep a list of these things because they were promised, and I don't feel they are unreasonable requests, not over the course of a decade or more. Especially not in comparison to the things we've financed and struggled to pay for, for his hobbies and interests.

When he got into sewing, he wanted to do automotive reupholstery. We bought an industrial sewing machine, fabric, and special needles and thread. The machine itself was 3 grand. Bolts of fabric are ridiculous.

When he wanted to do fabrication and YouTube videos, we bought an LLC license, camera equipment, outsourced production for a very niche item, a drone for aerial shots, and spent money for him to travel to locations to film for himself or others.

A 3D printer, when a "cheap" one was still a grand and the technology still new. One of the kids tripped over the cord, causing it to fall and break. He had it sitting on a converted barstool with the power cable stretched like a tripwire across the room. We had a tiny toddler. Didn't buy the warranty.

3 motorcycles. One was a project piece that was given away when the project became too much. The other two were Harleys.

Power tools. Dewalt brand, because it has to be.

A bus. Yup. A bus. That is a whole story in and of itself, and maybe I'll get around to posting about it, but it was a converted 60's something commercial bus.

A greenhouse. That he had to have set up before winter, but wouldn't use in the winter, because it was cold. Is now wondering if it's already too warm in the greenhouse for the plants. Gardening equipment; fans, tools, special soil, seeds, grow tents, lights, and chemicals.

A 70-inch TV, for our hodgepodge living room.

His daily commute vehicle is usually something fun or unique to his taste and interests.

Another Xbox for his room once we moved into separate rooms. Says it's to co-op with the kids, rarely plays with them.

Guitars. Ones a LesPaul. Amplifiers, speakers, pedals 😒, etc.

Another truck. It's older and doesn't really run right now. Needs parts, but otherwise, it sits in front of the house. He said we needed it for all the projects we have to do around the house. I use my wagon or have things delivered for the projects I do.

Other electronic equipment; hard drives, computers, monitors, projectors and screens, microphones, and software.

So maybe it's not that petty? Maybe I'm angry because there IS an unfairness to our dynamic?

Part of the reason I bring all of this up is because, yes, I finally got the ring set, after over a decade and this past 2 Christmases, Ive gotten 4 pieces of my village. Yesterday, I had a sectional couch delivered. It's glorious and huge and me and my babies can stretch out together on it while being next to each other. It was a bit less than 3 grand. I put 200 of my school money down on it and am looking for a job, in part to pay for it and balance the bills out.

I feel so guilty about it. I didn't do it behind his back, as he had suggested it to begin with and even put it on his credit, but the guilt is astounding.

I ended up giving him my debit card for him to purchase his special soil because I felt so bad. I just enabled it, didn't I? Made it worse? Perpetuated the cycle? I have a feeling he checked the account balance and will know I was misleading on what I had in there. I said just had 200 for the couch and a bit extra, but I didn't say that there was a little more behind that. The couch money and extra are just what I had earmarked for use, I was trying to save the rest.

Last night, after he did some work, and he called me out to see, he asked if I was only staying with him for the possibility of the money he could make once he retired. I told him it had never been about the money, that as long as he tried and made things equal, that's what I really cared about. I would buy him all the things if I could, I try to even when we don't have the money, just to show him that I love and appreciate and care that he is satisfied. I want him to pursue his interests but want the same consideration for myself in return.

He's had a couple of offers for high paying technical positions that align with the best parts of his career. Things that spilled over into personal interests and were added to the list of things bought and financed over the years. I told him that while it would be great if he could make that kind of money, what I really wanted was for him to be happy, but he still had responsibilities to his family. His retirement will cover most of our basic living expenses, and me going back to work should cover the rest, so anything he does would be in addition to that.

I found this a little hurtful. When we first got together, he told me his friends thought I was a gold digger, a uniform chaser, a dependa because my first husband had been military as well, because I had a young kid and was working as a waitress or other odd jobs. He said he lost those friends because of me. That it was their response to our relationship that caused him to cut them off.

I guess I'm in it for the long game?

That's sarcasm.

If I was a gold digger, then I would be a pretty terrible one, that's for sure.

He did ask if buying the couch made up for earlier this year. I said sure.

I keep going back to how guilty I feel about the couch.

A friend of his that has become somewhat friends with me retired and took a new position. I reached out and asked if this major company was hiring for someone with no job experience who hadn't completed their degree and he said he'd hook me up, sent me the link and had me fill out the application. Said he would get in front of it and talk to the hiring manager directly after the long weekend. Part of this process included an assessment, which I'm pretty sure I did terribly on as afterward I got an automated email saying the company had decided to go with other applicants.

It was a blow for sure. I don't know what to do with that. Do I message the friend and ask whats up or do I just say thanks for the opportunity and move on?

I graduate in August. If I can pay for it. His benefits for me run out next month, and he hasn't offered to sign over any additional months.

I'm trying to work through all the negative emotions today, but it's difficult.

[furryphantomnacho]

Things have been strange. We had a conversation, a deep one, where I told him that I'm not okay with the unfairness in our relationship anymore. I said that I wanted to believe that it wasn't intentional, that was the reason I had stayed, because I believed with all my being that he didn't mean to do the things he did, but that didn't make it not hurt when he did them anyway. He admitted he's immature. And selfish. And that he doesn't understand others' feelings when I explained that most people don't have the same reactions as him. He's so focused on how others have wronged him in the slightest that he doesn't recognize it when he does it to someone else. I told him that sounded like narcissism in the clinical sense.

He ran with it. Diagnosed himself. Told his therapist that I helped him figure it out. He has been trying to make jokes about it, and for the past 10 days or so, he's been doing more around the house.

And I want to be appreciative and hopeful, but I feel a hesitation. There are still so many little jabs here and there. He's started doing the laundry more, but mostly only his. Keeps his clothes separate from mine and the kids. Did a load of their clothes, washed, dried, and dumped back in baskets to be sorted and folded later. Goes grocery shopping, but really only for items he needs to make dinner unless I ask for other things. Has been more involved with the kids lately, but one of them has already come to me in private because she felt he reacted too harshly and the punishment was too severe for the incident.

I felt it was.

Found out a week ago that he had bought himself another guitar pedal. Not only that, but he hid it and had it shipped to a coworkers house and then snuck it in ours. Didn't say a word about it. This was a point of contention for me. Our meet anniversary and valentines is a day apart. The meet anniversary has always meant more than our wedding date for reasons that he knows. We had been fighting, and he didn't get me anything. I did, though, bought him a couple of decent gifts, nothing extravagant but things he had been looking at. His reasoning for not getting me anything was that we were fighting, and he didn't think I would want anything from him. We've been together for 13 years. 13 years of him knowing that even if we're fighting or arguing, I'm still going to give him gifts and show him that I'm thinking of him. 13 years worth of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and just because reasons. He had also bought himself a guitar pedal then, too.

So yes, that hurt. He didn't try to make up for it either.

So when I discovered he had bought and hid another one, it felt like another slap to the chest. His first response was not sorry, it was "how'd you find out?"

In an unrelated discovery, I found out a friend of mine has a new job. This friend is less of a friend and more of a real-life personal hero of mine. I did go back to work for a short time, but three weeks in, a tornado ripped through the building I was in and killed several people. This individual saved my life, probably literally, and my husband knows this. He didn't know who they were exactly but knew of them.

On Fridays, he has his own therapy appointment and will leave work early to grab lunch and peruse the local geek store. Where my friend now works. I asked if he knew my husband and he said he recognized him when he came in but something felt off about it. I mentioned it in passing, that this person works at this store he likes to visit and recognized him and he got quiet. So quiet. This was odd.

What is more odd to me, though, is that prior to that conversation, the topic of relationships came up. He was swearing to me that if anything happened to us, he would be alone and listed reasons why, number one of those is his self-diagnosed narcissism. Somehow the conversation parlayed into emotional connections and how that was borderline cheating too and again, he got quiet. Asked me if I was trying to accuse him of something. Said I had a way of just staring that made it feel like I was waiting for a confession or looking for something.

This morning, I got up early. He was in his room, getting ready for work. Our house is old and noisy. I know he heard me come down the stairs. In the 2 mins I was in the bathroom, which he had to pass right by and would notice its occupied, he grabbed his stuff and hightailed it out of the house. He was getting into his car by the time I made it to the back door. When I called him and said that wasn't cool, that I know that he knew I had gotten up, he said he didn't want to interrupt me while I was in there. . . Which sounds nice on the surface, but it's a literal joke in this house about how quick I can use the facilities.

He knows these things. After years and years and years and he still claims ignorance to the most basic portions of our relationship and personalities. And I'm supposed to be okay with this. With his constant reasoning and assumptions that have nothing to do at all with the lessons the years have taught us.

And I know it's petty, but christ would it kill him to shake out the trash bag so it doesn't get the annoying air bubble and you can actually fit the trash in the can?!

[furryphantomnacho]

He drew eyebrows on the cat tonight. When the children became upset (their first worry was whether marker was toxic for cats), he responded by getting angry and slamming objects.

Later, one of the kids felt the need to apologize for making him upset. For them being worried about the wellbeing of their pet in the first place. . . Can someone tell me how that makes sense? How a child feels the need to apologize to an adult for the adults actions?

There is so much, but I'm so tired.

[furryphantomnacho]

Drove all the way to the city for an event I wanted to attend. Had a panic attack and left. I stayed for a grand total of 30 mins. It took me longer to park.

Anxiety sucks

[furryphantomnacho]

He brought me coffee this morning in an attempt to smooth things over. I did get an apology last night, but only after he said he didn't want to fight anymore, and I said I wanted an apology for the picture. Regardless of what or who the picture was of, it was still mine, and he had no right to tear it up.

This morning, he said that he knows he's immature, that I used to be so much sweeter to him, and he's realized it's stopped. He knows what all I gave up to be with him...but I'm so mean. Emotionally abusive. I say horrid things with the intention of hurting him. I asked if he thought it was me being reactive? Of getting so frustrated because of the things he does and doesn't do, but no, that's not it, I'm just mean. I'm not understanding. I'm still grooming the children to hate him. I apparently do this by trying to walk away, by opening the door to leave the room and in doing so, making it so the kids can hear us, so it sounds like he's the bad guy.

And I still don't communicate.

That's my fault. 🫥

[furryphantomnacho]

3:15. That's what time he was home today. Had emailed me earlier to let me know he was taking the children to Walmart after work. One of them has a fever so they stayed home. Offered to pick up a chicken to show that he's putting in the effort, to take care of dinner for the girls. The Walmart trip is for Mother's day.

This is the beginning of the cycle. He won't apologize for yesterday or the rest of the week, will make a bit of a show about doing things, and then it will go right back. Today is May 11th. Let's see how long this one lasts.

[furryphantomnacho]

I think one of the things that infuriates me about all of this is knowing that I am gearing up to be the psychotic ex. That's not an intention. . .it's knowing that every time we get into these fights, he tells people how awful I am, alienating me further. Tells people how mean I am, but won't talk about the things he does. Yes I called him a peon, used it as in "you're a peon at work, a cog in the wheel, and work maybe 6 hours a day, why can't you help me more?" The next fight we had, he harped on it, on the fact that I called him a peon, which is why he didn't understand why I was upset that he tore up my picture.

One of his favorite stories to tell is about how one year, he got me a puppy that I did not want for Mother's Day. He starts this story by explaining how he had taken on an additional role for work, one that involved being a liasion/concierge for families of someone who had passed. Someone died. He went above and beyond for the family. As it was all winding down, mothers day approached. He made several grand statements about the importance of the day, the effort he was putting in for the mother of the one who had passed, so I assumed he had remembered me that year. It had been a rough year for me as well, had a hysterectomy and some personal issues, and was feeling really unloved and unwanted and alone. When the day happened and then nothing happened, not even an attempt to make me breakfast, I got upset and cried. He had purchased expensive gifts for the other mother, with money we didn't have, but nothing for me at all. By then, we had been together for more than 5 years and had 2 children.

So, I decided to put the kids down for a nap and took one myself. When I woke, he was putting this tiny, rat like creature on the bed, something he had put 500 on the credit card for, money we did not have, to make up for it. Another bill I was going to have to make his pay stretch to cover.

I love animals. I'm the white woman the internet makes fun of for trying to pet things I shouldn't, but I do not like tiny, tiny dogs. I've had medium/large dogs most of my life, and a small dog, to me, was a beagle or English bulldog puppy. Not whatever the creature was that he put on the bed. But whenever he tells this story, whenever we are in a group, he somehow brings it up, starting with the importance, prestige, and kindness of the role he had volunteered for and ends it with my distaste at being given a responsibility that I did not ask for.

That's just one example. He has other stories, anecdotes that highlight my cold-heartedness while highlighting his pure intentions. And I have no recourse. I have no way to say that's not how it happened or to explain my actions. He uses my diagnoses against me, blaming my being upset on an inability to control my emotions but I don't feel that's true at all. Certainly at one point in my life, but not now. In fact, I feel that it's the opposite. He's the one that can't sort through his emotions without taking everything as a personal attack.

I wish I had recorded the argument. I wish I could replay it in its absurdity, at the way it kept cycling back to him asking why I wanted to keep the picture and why it was important to me and no answer being good enough. Always a rebuttal. It didn't matter that it was my picture, that he had to actively pick up the pile that was face down and up on a shelf, sort through it and then tear up that particular one. And then place it so that I would see it in the trash. No apology. Just accusations. According to him, I was so mean, the things I said so hurtful, I didn't want to try because I wouldn't just accept how things are, I don't communicate, I don't listen, I always have to be right and simultaneously, play the victim and won't let go of the past.

When I said that I don't communicate because I don't trust him with my feelings anymore, when I gave examples of why I don't tell him things, it didn't matter. It's like I spoke another language. It didn't matter how he had hurt me because I was hurting him. And then it went back to the photo.

He didn't eat dinner with us last night. Stayed in his room the majority of the time, hardly interacting with the kids other than passing conversation. Left early again for work, will probably stay "late", will still be home by 4. Yesterday, he busied himself for about an hour with his plants and greenhouse. No laundry or sweeping or childcare. . . they hunt me down when they need something. No food prep or animal care other than turning on the heat lamp for the gecko before bed. No tucking the girls in and making sure teeth were brushed and meds taken. Didn't even hit the button on the coffee pot this morning on his way out. He did empty the trash though, but pretty sure that was to make sure I saw the ripped picture.

On Tuesday, when he called me a bitch and said living with me was hell and I said fuck you and called him a peon, he made sure to tell me that it was bc of him that I was in school right now. That it was his service that gave me that advantage. That he was the one that worked and what did I bring to the table other than a weed habit?

One of the issues that I felt unfair was the balance of things. We're broke. Our finances are not where they should be and do I take a large bit of accountability for that. While I do take care of the household books, I had a hard time saying no to him. If he really wanted something, I eventually found a way to stretch his pay to cover it. Tools, equipment, vehicles, electronics, instruments, shoes, trips, and toys. He's owned businesses and had hobbies galore. I have not, and it's not been from a lack of not wanting to expand, we just couldn't afford it for me. . . The greenhouse I paid for with money from a grant for school. He financed a carport but wouldn't buy me a ring because he wanted to pay for it in cash. It took 11 years for me to get a proper ring. I paid it off with the tax return. We still owe on the carport.

He mentioned my new account. Said I was paying myself. Nope, have not. When I get money from school, it goes into that account now. When he found out, he retaliated by opening another account with direct allotment from his pay, just for him. Money every two weeks that I had to subtract from what's available to pay the bills.

But my weed habit, that's what's killing us. Nevermind that I use it for literally everything from appetite to pain for the 2 autoimmune conditions I have and don't touch prescriptions bc of family drug history. Or that the whole purpose of the greenhouse and gardening equipment and classes and certifications (also financed) that he has taken to offset those costs, because it's a hobby he enjoys. . . When the weather is nice.

The entire argument on Tuesday was because when I showed him a picture of my grand baby, who is 5 months old, he asked what the gender was. When I told him that I found it upsetting that he didn't remember, he said it wasn't his fault because it's not like he's a part of their life regardless and I shouldn't get upset bc he didn't remember what the gender of his wife's first grandchild was.

But I'm a psycho. A bitch. I'm mean and living with me is hell. I'm grooming the children to hate him. I'm grudgeful and toxic. Always the victim. Always have to be right. I don't communicate or think about him. He can't wait for me to go back to work so others can see how awful my attitude is. I don't listen. I argue with him in front of the kids. I don't appreciate the things he does, which is so much. He doesn't understand why I even want to do this anymore.

I told him I don't.

[furryphantomnacho]

I pulled out some photos to go through, a set in which he was included. He was IN the photo, but it wasn't his photo. Important distinction. Had these photos sitting up on a shelf, away, flipped face down. I went to go throw away something and found the Pic torn up in the trash.

We hadn't spoken a word all day to each other, not since the fight yesterday. Well, that got me to talk. Told him it wasn't his and he had no right. He said it was of him and why did it matter? Bc it was mine, I replied. He kept pressing it, why? Why keep it? It was of a work thing, a career defining moment and I said it was important to me. But, he said, he hates his job and he's already thrown away everything else from his career in anticipation of his retirement next year. It didn't make sense to keep it. Then parlayed it into how I told him he was nothing but a peon at work, and how I don't listen to him, and how I'm so grudgeful, and mean, and it was of him, so what did it matter?

When I tried to explain, when I said that yes, I called him a peon, it was after he said he had watched hours of YouTube videos at work, in succession, because he was so bored but wouldn't help me at home, even after i got sick. Wouldn't recognize that me going to school even part time is just as taxing as a job, but I don't get paid for it. Or the pleasure of a commute, or weekends off. My weekends are arbitrary, pointless, just more meals to plan, prep, and cook in a day.

But none of that mattered. Any point I made was dull and about as sharp as the thick end of a butter knife. I'm grudgeful because I can't trust him with my feelings or thoughts anymore but he's hurt that I don't communicate with him, literally said that it feels like I pay less and less attention and he's hurt by it. I explained patterns, how just like I can tell the end of a movie before the twist, I can see the same behavior over and over again and I don't want to do the same thing over and over again. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of it. The argument kept returning to the picture, how it was his career and he hated it and didn't understand why I would keep it and it shouldn't matter since I just don't seem like I want to do this anymore. . . You're right. I don't.

Never apologized for ripping the picture. Kept talking over me. Accused me of not communicating. He couldn't talk to me without me questioning him, without just accepting how it was. . . But what if I don't like the things he tells me? I'm supposed to agree with things I don't like? I'm supposed to nod my head and smile when he talks about the insubordination of the pretty young women at work, or the ramifications of a pseudo science that he won't have to worry about regardless? Maybe a "yes dear" when he complains about people parking on the public street or badmouths the neighbors in earshot of our kids? Oh but that was another point, I'm in the wrong for not agreeing with him in front of the kids. That we're supposed to be a front. . . But I don't think I stand for the same things he does.

[furryphantomnacho]

Today I was reminded that he's the one that works, again. And that I'm a bitch. And living with me is hell.

And double downed on me being emotionally abusive because I said fuck you after he called me a bitch. Guess I should have been nicer.

[furryphantomnacho]

What does it take to leave a good man? What constitutes a "good man"? Is he a good man because he doesn't physically beat me? Because he provides the income that puts a roof over our heads, cars to drive, and food in our bellies?

But why do I feel so empty most of the time? Is it me? Am I just ungrateful? Spoiled? Delusional due to feminist indoctrination? Jealous? Bored?

I want to be happy. I see it at the edges of my perimeters, but I'm scared to move closer to see if it's real or some sort of mirage. Maybe I'm hallucinating. Maybe I'm just a hundred things wrong, and he's the only good thing I've got going.

But why do I feel so alone?