#not really im sure many people can relate to poor emotion communication skill

[trashtuesdaynight]

My mom: *is trying to have a serious conversation*

Me: *picks up my dog and starts dancing with him*

[ecotone99]

[OT] Going on a whim.

So here i am. Sad. Depressed. Poor. Unhappy. There are a lot of ways to describe my feelings. However they all have the same root issue. I'm doing nothing to change them. Now i'm describing old issues with new terms to compare my issues to others and really confusing myself thinking my problems are much worse than they really are, and i go down this spiral why? And the day I asked myself that question “why?” is the day things started to change. No it wasn't immediate, but everytime i asked myself why i was feeling or doing something i was not pleased with, It was a reminder of hatred of the life I was living. We humans have a unique ability to rationalize our thoughts however only if we actually think to do it. And there lies problem number one. We choose to ignore our dissatisfaction because that was “easier” than thinking and doing things differently. We are victims of our own minds, addicted to routine and scared to veer off course even though nothing we are doing is making our problems go away or get any better, and the fear we have only gets masked by the fact nothing will change and everything will be okay because we survived today. Sound like you?

So what do we do? We change. And yes it is that simple. Of Course there are some exceptions to the rule, and this is in no way meant to tackle your diagnosed depression or any form of medical issue, please listen to the advice of your doctor.

If you want to be better nothing should stop you from achieving that, especially you. Yes there are problems that don't have solutions, but if youre reading this, youre reading to better yourself. Not to pick apart the small details that you're going to try to rationalize and make yourself think this is all a load of bullshit. If you're telling yourself you can't solve a problem you gave up too soon. There doesn't need to be a perfect solution written in stone, nor does the solution even need to exist yet, if it doesn't exist, create it. Am i starting to sound like a dad now? Fun fact. I am, however i have seen this thought process work. Not just with myself. But with my family and amongst the few living in this society who found their sweet spot. I have seen solutions to problems create themselves out of sheer will of wanting them to work. Have you ever considered the reason you can't google your problems and find simple fixes is because everyone googling that same question and writing on forums...also hasn't gone above and beyond to find the solution? You give up and wait to let others solve your problems another fun fact, you're going to be waiting awhile. And when that magical fix all that describes all your problems and claims to have the perfect solution know what else is attached to that? A price tag. see, The people who are creating solutions to problems are not doing it for nothing. They wanted to change, they changed. And they found a way to make money in the process. So in no way am i talking down on that mentality because it's great! Props to all those people who figured out that we don't need to have a path paved… to pave a path. You just need to want it, and you need to keep telling yourself that every day. Every. Day.

So what gives me the credentials to tell you all this? Nothing. What education do I have on the subject? Well years of failure but besides that, not much. What skills do I possess on the subject? Pretty much nothing except common sense. So Why listen to me? Im not making you, i don't even know if you made it this far in the read. Think of this read as “my plan” cause lets be honest here, i am writing this to better myself, because over all the years of telling myself i don't have any writing capabilities i said fuck that, now here i am writing whatever you want to call this.

This read will consist of everything I hate about the way our society lives. From the suing companies out of sheer stupidity to shitting on people for trying to do a good thing regardless of the negative or positive publicity that comes with it and people taking simple jokes as personal attacks.

People are too opinionated and thanks to social media everyone for some reason needs to care. I haven't quite figured this part out yet. Why do so many people care about dick and jane? What are they doing that's so important that it affects your emotions and causes people to act like assholes in disagreement. Now i'm not talking about anything political or in the terms of a way a country should run, you should always care about this stuff because it is your home. Make it your home, but choose the things to care about based off education, not emotion when it comes to this stuff emotion leads you to making the wrong choice which will entice disagreements which in turn has people attacking your character because you based your facts on emotion, not education, now you're backpedaling trying to make sense of what you originally thought and then that harsh reality hits.

What would happen if instead of looking at peoples positives in a negative light… you just stopped caring about it all together because let's face it, the energy you're wasting fuming at a problem that has nothing to do with you… even if its a subject you are extremely passionate about… is what your thinking and wanting to do … rational? Or is the emotion you feel the exact reaction the writer/commenter/speaker wanted to draw out? Families are a different struggle, what if i disagree with my Spouse? Child? Sibling? Parents? If I just stop caring they will just get up and leave. You're not wrong my friend, you certainly need to choose your battles, maybe a better approach to family related issues is seeing it from their perspective, agreeing with them and moving on even when you don't truthfully see it in their eyes. if it's merely a hypothetical your life will be easier to agree and move on, but also seek the education in their opinion, because frankly the “crazy” ideas often bear the most fruit and two minds can usually polish a crazy idea and turn it into a practical one. If it's something they are extremely passionate about you should be supportive, not an asshole. This is a category i struggle with myself but who am i to tell my family what they think is stupid? They probably think me writing this is stupid and that's 100% fine, i know i am bad at this, and a role model to no one, but what am i going to do about it? I'm going to start caring when it's hard to care i will subconsciously remind myself to care in situations like this, again its that unique ability humans have to think about their own thoughts, so what negative implications will i have from caring more about my family? None if you don't look for them however if you search you will find, stop wasting energy looking for problems. Here's the grey area we operate in, we don't need to care about the small stuff. What family wants is support, not criticism, they are going to get criticism everywhere else, they don't need that shit at home too. If it's not detrimental to life, find balance and move on. people try to draw out emotion all the time, it's very profitable to do so. But what you choose to have emotions about is completely your choice. Don't let people influence your emotion. This read is not meant to influence your emotion, i'm merely telling you it's possible to not be an asshole when you disagree with someone, and that you're capable of doing what dick and jane do, if you stop caring so much about them. And care about what they are achieving. And put the same effort of your dissatisfaction into obtaining what they have. Did they say something that stuck a nerve? Why? Why does it affect you so much? It doesn't. They want you to think it involves you but it doesn't, never has, never will, end of story. Stop beating yourself up about the thoughts of another just because they don't align with your own theory, instead seek to understand their perspective, and if you don't see it yourself that's fine too, but keep it to yourself, that's how you avoid conflict based on emotion. There is no point in arguing with someone about something they are passionate about, you won't win, and that will lead to anger and saying irrational stuff not even pertaining to the subject. Has this ever happened to you? It sure does with me. All the time.

Here stems problem number 2. Why do i always need to feel “right” when there is nothing wrong about being wrong. Being wrong is great, it allows you to learn and not make the same mistakes again. But sometimes when people hear no, they get offended. Why? Why get offended because someone disagrees with you. You in fact may be right, however changing the other person's mind is going to take more than a quick back and forth argument, is that really worth the time and effort? And what do you gain? One person who sides with you? Or maybe even a larger group of people. But what does that gain you. Does everyone agreeing with you give you more than just an ego? Be honest with yourself and ask. If i change Jane’s mind what do i gain...other than someone agreeing with me. So what am i doing about this problem for myself? I'm constantly reminding myself that only i can see the direction i want to go, the path i want to follow, and the things i want to do or see. I don't need anyone to agree with my principles. They are not public principles which require the community to vote where im allowed to travel, or what i'm allowed to wear say or do. They are mine. So if i had any advice here, its let your principles be yours, they don't need to be a public dick measuring contest, you don't need approval from society. Stop thinking you do.

Were growing up in a society of inclusion which i also think is great. However the way inclusion is exercised in reality makes me scratch my head. Rewarding people for simply showing up builds egos at such a young age, they are miserable later on. Always wanting stuff given to them and not actually willing to put in the effort. How do i know? Im of that generation, and i was that dickhead prior to discovering who i wanted to be. However i must say it's driving business. Never before have you had the ability to spend $25 hard earned dollars on a $10 meal, simply due to laziness or lack of time. New companies are solving issues that are created because of our lifestyles and they are the ones making all the money, while we look at our massive piles of debt that grow because everything you see is an ad for something that wants your money.

So who am i and why am i saying all this? Let's say my name is Rhonin Oaks, i'm a youngin on paper, but my life experiences make up my resume. Currently i reside on the east coast of canada, in a small annoying town of about 10k. I have a young daughter and an amazing spouse, they are why i am writing this. I am bettering myself for them. Nobody else. Nobody else matters to me. I grew up in the same town i currently reside, but i've lived in many different provinces with plans to be mobile again soon, not to run from problems but to stop living in fear of change. Currently i'm working in the financial sector, but i've worked in telecommunications, call centers, fast food, labour, oil industry and retail. So besides healthcare, i think i've worked for every type of industry the general public loves to hate. Every morning i wake up and read the news while im taking my morning shit, just to always be reminded of how people actually felt about the industries i just so happen to work in. and it didn't happen just once, i worked for a bank...cbc marketplace video goes viral about how banks were operating, also i may add everything in that news segment was true at the time, however i cannot speak on that currently. Then it was telecommunications and the evil rise of their thousands of employees reaching out to cbc marketplace and that goes viral too. I actually thought this gray cloud was following me. So how does that play on my mental health? It sucks. Having crippling anxiety every morning not knowing what customer was going to reem into you because they are upset about something. Or you made a mistake and feel like you're going to be a news story yourself. I honestly felt that this cloud of bullshit was following me, and soon. I was going to be the target. Ridiculous right? Well i didn't think so for many years. It caused me so many health issues...and for what? I’ve gained nothing. Nothing except the experiences i'm writing to you today. But i did come to one conclusion, when people can't solve their problems, they play bully to someone who can. Reaching out to media about the affairs of a business doing business, just because you don't like your $2000.00 overage fees for something that was completely in their control to avoid. They reach out to the media to see if the pressure comes down hard enough on the company that they bend and do a refund. How is that fair to anyone at all? Own your mistakes people. Im owning mine to a degree that i will have this published somewhere as a constant reminder of what i once was and what i will become, and you know what they say… once on the internet always on the internet. I'm not running anymore. I'm not suppressing these negative feelings im working to get rid of them forever and ever. Do i consider myself successful? Currently no, i haven't achieved my level of what i consider success. However, i'm on the right path.It was not streamlined nor written in a book. I've read dozens of self help books, and i've taken something from each and every one of them. I mean i'm here writing my own in a way. I had to take all the pieces of the puzzle and put myself together. There is no one shoe fits all solution to life i used to think that was called marijuana, i was wrong, more on that later. So what do i define as my own success? Success to me isn't how much money i make, the car i drive, where i live or anything materialistic. It's how i feel when i wake up. Success is waking up and already knowing what my day will consist of, sure there will be surprises but i will be prepared to handle them. Success to me is being prepared enough to for every day life to the point it no longer affects my mental health which turns into anger and aggression towards my loved ones. My loved ones mean more to my success than anything else. I'm a provider, being able to provide for my family is my success. And this is why i say i have not achieved the level of success that i want to. How am i getting there? Well i'm glad you asked. Once i discovered that providing for my family was something i would stop at no end to achieve i opened the book of problems that would all need to be solved.

This is where the fun begins, once i had my vision of success in my head it was time to get it on paper. I had to dissect my flaws. But rhonin what if i can't see my flaws? If you can't see your personal flaws, look at the problematic parts of your life, what do you stress about and why are you stressing over it, search for your flaws there. Let me give you a personal example, i want to provide for my family so we don't need to worry what tomorrow will bring, i know i make enough money to do so however i'm still not hitting my goals. Now it's time to dig out the bank and credit card statements, where is my money going? I made $48k before tax in the year of 2018, my total expenses for living came to just under $30k so where is that other $18k? What do i have to show for it? But to make matters worse. Not only did that $18k disappear, i added an additional 6k of credit card debt. So i made $48k, spent $54k, so here lies flaw one that i have discovered in myself. I suck with money and its causing financial stress on my family which is not allowing me to feel successful (ironic i work for a banking institution and i suck with my own money) So rhonin, where did your money go? Well, McDonalds and Tim Hortons got a nice chunk. My drug dealer got the other chunk. When i looked back i discovered i was spending $1000 a month on take out and just as much on marijuana. So what now? Clearly i have a problem that is going to take more than just knowing about it to fix. How am i fixing it? Pain is the answer. Because everything comes with some degree of pain. My pain comes from eating foods i dislike because they are what i can afford. My pain is coming from the withdrawal of not smoking, not being able to sleep, and when i do, waking up like i just got out of the shower and have to change my bed sheets every night, let me tell ya, i have nothing but respect for anyone going through this pain.

Pain is the trade off for success, how much pain are you willing to absorb to accomplish your goals? this is where most people fail, they don't realize there are compromises to be made when you want to achieve something, that or they feel like they are strong enough to complete their task but only to the point that it gets hard, then they give up and lose interest. But this can also be a good thing and people put themselves down all the time because this repeated philosophy of not succeeding at something makes you a failure, but just because you lose interest in something and don't complete it doesn't make you a failure, it opens you up to new opportunities, clearly if you lose interest, you weren't that passionate to begin with and your success in that field would be limited to the pain you're willing to take to get there, why settle for a plan that's going to bottleneck your success. Pursuing something to feel successful is a great first step, just understand the first idea you get, may not work. You may get to idea 100 before something sticks. With social media pushing all these fun and exciting things in your face, it skews people's ability to find what truly makes them happy, they see what makes other people happy and they generalize that happiness thinking it will make them happy to. This is how successful marketing works and that's why you should never pay attention to it. I haven't used social media in terms of facebook, instagram, snapchat or whatever else floats your boat in many years. Do you really know 400 people or more? Do you actually care about 400+ people? If you don't and are just being nosey into the lives. Why do you care about their life if you aren't close to them? Are you comparing dicks? Delete their stress from your life. You don't need people to compare yourself too. Compare yourself to your previous self that is what you should be doing to feel happy. Dont be better than dick and jane, be better than you!

Currently i am in the process of quitting smoking marijuana as i mentioned earlier, it's hard. It sucks. But im doing it. Why? Because the person i am now is not the same person my spouse fell in love with. I changed, and not for the better. I was a frequent smoker for the last three years, however i did not smoke anything when i met my spouse and she fell in love with my character, years of smoking and living in a rut, smoking more to compensate for bigger problems in our lives, i became a shitty person. To my family. And to myself. I just so luckily managed to also get a rare illness THC induced pancreatitis is my life now, and no, there isn't a lot of research to go off of for this illness. However it only flares up when i am smoking. Pancreatitis in just its regular form is a pain in the ass so having a version that flares up when i'm doing something i enjoyed was just a slap in the face, and in case you weren't aware, pancreatitis unless taken care of very well not just temporarily but permanently will become cancerous, being my dumb ass self tho, i didn't care, i continued to smoke for another year before im taking the initiative to quit. I tortured my body and potentially reduced my life span because i was too stupid to open my eyes and do something about my problems. No more. No i don't think marijuana is bad for everyone it's gotten me through a lot of hard times but when i look back, i would have made it though those problems anyways and i realized this only recently.

I was one lazy son of a bitch, dishes might have gotten done once a month. Laundry hamper overflowing floors unswept and garbage that smells like shitty baby diapers and rotten food, and the fruit flies, holy shit the fruit flies. I couldn't even make a meal without getting bugs in it. What the hell am i doing? Why would i want my child to grow up in this mess. What example am i setting for her? A terrible one. My daughter is amazing, she's always smiling and she's slept through the night since 4 weeks old. I can't really say i had the “tired dad” look all the time, because i slept great. She was amazing, she was the daughter i needed because she was the daughter i was able to take care of. I truly feel for the parents who were up every 2 hours or more with their child. I didn't have these struggles but i know if i did, my daughter may not even be in my possession. So what am i doing? I cleaned up my act. Im doing chores daily (work in progress) but i'm getting there. I'm quitting smoking. Im being there for my family when they need me and all these steps towards a better life is making me happier in the progress and when i finally can say i have this shit under control. I will feel successful.

Having a game plan is very important because you don't want to tackle every issue at once, for instance when im quitting smoking, other chores will piss me off and make me think i need to smoke. Seems counterproductive eh? Have stages, but make your stages known to the people you're close too. Once they see what you're willing to do, but want to do it smart and not all at once with a higher rate of success. You will get support, if you dont are they really worth keeping around? Family or not, choose those to be in your life that propel you forward. Not hold you back.

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