#not only did the games capture a facet of myself i relate to so hard

[chichiricatsan]

| "The Ribbon" || The Stupendium (ft. Cami-Cat) |

At the edge of understanding, the border of the known The breaking point of reason, where logic is dethroned Where sense is defenseless and festers on the bone One writer fights a cycle, trying to write a way back home In Night Springs Tonight’s episode: "The Ribbon"

We open, our protagonist, brash, pragmatic, fantasist Trapped within a cabin, frantic, grappling with a manuscript Passionately grasping for a catalyst but the syntax isn’t landing Grabs the draft out from the carriage and abandons it Hе doesn’t really know quite what hе’s writing, but he has to Sits enraptured in the flow of what he’s typing Cramping wrists, his hands in fits The hammers slam the characters, they writhe and dance and twist But never seem to parse more than "surviving" As the grammar shifts A bulb, it flickers for a moment, darkness falls for just a second But it lingers, forms unspoken, hark the call, the shadows beckon Swallowed dawn, still all-consuming, every corner lurking, looming Hear the ichor hymns so soothing as the screaming silence deafens Another page, a hurried scrawl, a night replays, a dozen more Another failed and crumpled ball of "almost, maybe" on the floor Framed within the maze within the print His escape from all this hinges on which page becomes the door

Existence is cast in the answers we write To riddles in chapters that can’t be defined Pigment of black and the parchment of white The figments they track through the dark to the light The hammers and keys and the patterns they weave The fragments of me that they trap in between We all have to write on the pages we’re given But you can’t live life on both sides of the ribbon Tied to the ribbon

Legacy, it is the dream of any creative to leave their mark Indelible, on the world around them (Which side of the ribbon?) But be careful what marks such an obsession might leave on you

Another chapter opens, but our hero isn’t sure If the pattern is unbroken, has he penned this page before? Is he writing what he’s lived or now reliving what he’s written? Every end with failed beginnings, cast adrift within the lore On a lake that turned to ocean, drowning under weight of legacy When any sentence could be sentenced as the last they ever see Our pages pass relentless, count or not, there is no remedy And so, he sits again, attempts to pen pre-emptive threnody Amorphous in memoriam, in effigy uncertain Unsure if all this really is himself, at least, a version? But these whispers grip the narrative Treat sense with bleak aversion Tendrils bend and break immersion Twisting cursive through recursion His words branch out in paths too dark to follow through trees With pages piled so high, he’s lost the forest for leaves No saying what’s to believe, it doesn’t want him to leave And so these pages end up bound to make the story repeat

Wake up, day starts as the night falls See what dark part of your mind calls You can’t fight what you write and you write what we like Find the light, you might see how the bright fall (You'll need the proper tools to get a proper service) (You won't believe the things that hide) (Right there beneath the surface) Hopelessly floating through tomes with no way of knowing If you are composing or you’re just quoting The prose you’re sewing Ergo ergodic, eroding your ego Going for broke but just broken (No fixer-upper like the coffee pot a-flowin') A hero’s journey burdened by the characters deployed When all your thousand faces are so narratively void Were the adjectives employed worth the marriage you destroyed? (You know huntin' is a hobby the whole family can enjoy)

Deep in the dark and winding eaves of your mind Read from a saga, blind but reaching in kind Leads down a path where leaves and secrets entwine Even apart, two heroes, one storyline Small town - And I know the narrative conventions Establishing shots in the dark A plot with an arc beyond all comprehension I’ll be the first person to admit the present is tense and Not sure if I’ll get these words to fit the presence descending I hear it calling my name, I feel me falling away Chasing these pages but questioning my agency Tasked with a story to break I hear it calling my name, I feel me falling away Am I a character? Actor? A passenger? Cast from the shores of a lake?

Existence is cast in the answers we write To riddles in chapters that can’t be defined Pigment of black and the parchment of white The figments they track through the dark to the light The hammers and keys and the patterns they weave The fragments of me that they trap in between We all have to write on the pages we’re given But you can’t live life on both sides of the ribbon Tied to the ribbon

Creativity, it is the impetus of any artist To pour themselves into their work (Which side of the ribbon?) But pour too much And you might not like what you find at the bottom of the bottle...

Our hero, once again attempts to find the words he lacks And peers between the lines to see the lines observing back A scratch all too familiar and, oh! The surface cracks What’s the matter, Alan? We can’t both be worthless hacks Now, I know what you’re thinking "This is crazy! Oh, he can’t exist!" You could have made a killing Just embraced a little masochist ‘Stead you’re dried up Trying to earn a living from a manuscript But have you tried for just one second Living as the man you script? I’m the parts you were ashamed of, I’m the parts you tried to fight I’m the parts you told yourself didn’t keep you awake at night I’m the part of you that’s better, you just can’t concede I’m right So, you poured me into pages, then I guess I’m just your type You meld work with your self-worth But tell me, what does that sell for? And was the journey through Hell worth How short you fell on the bell curve? Then one day they’ll forget you, ooh! But I’ve stories to tell first ‘Cause I’m that face that you gave them to be you And baby, I’m well versed What am I when you’re already a shadow of yourself? Tell me who would look at this And then take that down off the shelf? You had it, buddy! All of it! The fame, the glam, the wealth But what’s it worth if you won’t play the hand the round has dealt? "Nightmares don’t use logic" Yeah, we know that you can read Sat there hoping for the credits But it’s me who’s supposed to lead All that hokum in your head But where’s the quote to make you see? That perhaps you're antithetical to the poetry of me!

Existence is cast in the answers we write To riddles in chapters that can’t be defined Pigment of black and the parchment of white The figments they track through the dark to the light The hammers and keys and the patterns they weave The fragments of me that they trap in between We all have to write on the pages we’re given But you can’t live life on both sides of the ribbon Tied to the ribbon, the ribbon, the ribbon, the ribbon Which side of the ribbon, the ribbon, the ribbon, the ribbon?

Another chapter ended, but not an arc adjourned A narrative repeating for a plot he can’t discern He’s writing a Departure, but he’s still yet to learn That every line he starts must always end at the Return

And there you have it A vicious cycle scored by the hammer of keys And the ring of the typewriter A writer cursed to relive his own words Trapped in a world of his own making A novel concept Everyone likes to get lost in a good book But be careful what you read In Night Springs

[actualbird]

nobody asked but i think hanso, brynn, and xandra from neopets’ comic “the faeries’ ruin” are queer | a 1.8k presentation i am presenting to my friends at an online party on the 19th, but you guys get early access because for some godforsaken reason, you like this content from me

Good evening class.

Last last time I attacked your dashboards with a long post, I discussed Neopets that would benefit from therapy. I’m sticking with my Neopets shtick but in a funkier Pride flavor. In this post, I will be discussing why the three main characters of Neopets’ “The Faeries Ruin” are queer. 

So what is “The Faeries Ruin?”

“The Faeries Ruin” was a Neopets plot that ran through January of 2011. Plots can affect the website's appearance, services, and gameplay, and this plot was most notable because it turned all the Faeries of Neopia to stone. 

Quick crash course on Neopets lore, for those of you who don’t know anything about it: Neopets are the main population of the planet of Neopia, but they share the world with other creatures as well. One of these creatures are Faeries, magical beings who can be benevolent or malevolent. Majority of them are good, and can be visited to receive gifts, abilities, new appearances, better stats, etc. Faeries are the most powerful creatures on Neopia. With the Faeries of Neopia turned to stone, all Faerie run services, from games to shops, were suspended because. Well. It’s hard to run a business when you’re stone. 

“The Faeries Ruin” had an accompanying quest to play through, items to collect, puzzles to solve, and most important to our discussion, is the accompanying comic to read.

“The Faeries Ruin” comic is 17 chapters plus an epilogue. You can read the synopsis on the slide, and the story follows Hanso, a thief, Brynn, a guard, and Xandra, a scholar, who are all investigating the curse put on the Faeries.

A lot happens in the comic. Really, a LOT, so I don’t have time to summarize it for you. If you’re curious, you can read the plot here, and I’ll explain plot stuff as it becomes relevant to our discussion, but what’s really important are the characters. 

These three in particular, Hanso, Brynn, and Xandra, are who I will be focusing on from the queer perspective.

But because I aim to be inclusive, before we dive into calling Neopets characters queer, we need a quick crash course in ‘queer’ definitions. 

This is just so that we’re all on the same page. (Also so that I can use the readings I got from the queer theory class I was in last semester.)

Alex Pilcher in the Introduction of “A Queer Little History of Art” gives the word “queer” three definitions. First is the simplest, the word “queer” can act as an umbrella term for anybody who is not straight or cisgendered. The second definition is “queer” as an identity in itself. Instead or in addition to using sexuality or gender labels, one can opt to identify as queer and that does away with any hierarchies or too small definitions that may bother other people. I, for example, am bisexual, asexual, and nonbinary. However, that’s kind of a mouthful, and sometimes I don’t want to explain every facet of my identity. So sometimes I just tell people I’m queer, and fuck them if that’s confusing, it feels good for me. The third definition of “queer” is what I will be referring to quite a lot of times in this discussion, “queer” as a deviation from the norm. This is a callback to the word’s more archaic use, meaning odd or strange. What is “queer” then is what goes beyond or resists against society’s expectations.

Queer Theory is a huuuuuuuge academic genre, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. But we’re on a schedule here, so let’s queer some goddamn Neopets.

First, we have Hanso. 

His Neopets species is an Ixi and he is a young rogue/thief. He knows Brynn because he’s a very shitty thief and he constantly gets captured by her. His personality is self centered and egocentric, but deep down, he has a heart of gold, even if his morals are a little skewed. 

Also I think he’s bisexual. Why? 

As a rogue/thief, he is outcasted by society, a type of queering from the norm. He is only accepted by those like him, which symbolically is parallel to how queer people often find other queer people to be with. Aside from Brynn, nobody trusts him. They think him to be a liar and a cheat, and this, I think, is parallel to the unsavory trope of the “untrustworthy bisexual.” Much the same way bisexuals are often told to “pick a side”, Hanso has both a desire for good and a desire for mischief, a duality that confuses other Neopets, and makes them wary of him.   

Hanso is bisexual. And he isn’t sorry about it.

Next up we have one of my early childhood crushes. Brynn.

Brynn is a Kougra, a feline like Neopets species. She is a guard/soldier from the land of Brightvale. She knows Hanso because she keeps catching him, he’s a terrible thief. Her personality is one dominated by courage and a duty to Neopia’s safety.

And I think she’s also bisexual, but more interesting to me her queer expression of masculinity.

Jack Halberstam, a transgender man, wrote a book called “Female Masculinities” prior to his transition (I mention this because I know a lot of you may be wondering why a man gets any say about women’s issues, but I think this is a special case and that his views are still valid.) Halberstam, in his book, posits the concept of masculinity divorced from maleness. What this means, in simplest terms, is that masculinity is not something inherently male, just predominantly male. A female masculinity is thus outside of the norm, and a unique and queer expression of gender.

Concepts related to masculinity are things like power and rebellion. Strength, force, will, that kind of stuff. When we remove these things from maleness and allow femaleness to have these concepts, one of the results is tomboyism. The phenomenon of tomboyism is when a girl, usually young, exhibits masculine qualities. The thing about tomboyism is that it is reluctantly permitted during childhood but less expected as one grows older, the assumption being that a woman will submit to the societal expectations of what a woman is “supposed to be.”

I cannot find any canon sources to say that sexism is a huge problem in Neopia, but gender roles are still present. While we don’t see Brynn’s childhood in “The Faeries Ruin”, it doesn’t take much to imagine that her peers would be surprised with her choice to join the Brightvale Guard, a traditionally male pursuit. And yet she does it. She works hard and becomes such a good soldier that she aids King Altador himself during the story, that King Altador trusts and respects her opinions. Brynn rebels against society’s standards and asserts her own power.

Her personality exudes masculinity as well. Throughout “The Faeries Ruin” she is often dominant over the course of investigation, taking initiative, sometimes omitting truths for the greater good, and generally holding her judgement in high regard. 

Her choices, especially in regards to her relationship with Hanso, is also something of note. Brynn is the one doing the catching and Hanso is the one being caught, an interesting subversion of expected gender roles. I will admit now that I have been withholding some information. Hanso, later in the plot of “The Faeries Ruin”, admits that he wanted to get caught by her as often as possible so that he would have an excuse to see her. Brynn did not know this, but I see it as a Hanso recognizing Brynn’s power and masculinity. I see it as a very romantic submission of Hanso to Brynn. 

So Brynn is bi, because I say so. And she expresses masculinity in a unique, queer, and female way.

Now, before we move onto the last character, Xandra, I need to talk to you guys about Brynn and Hanso’s relationship. I think it is very good, it was one of my first OTPs, and here’s three reasons why it’s a good ship.

Reason 1: They’re both queer, so like, it’s better than the usual M/F couple. Bi people have more genders they’re attracted to, so the person they do end up choosing had to be better than literally everybody else. We can rest assured both of them are good eggs that are compatible with each other.

Reason 2: Their relationship over the course of “The Faeries Ruin” is that of the “enemies to friends to lovers” trope. Which, HELLO? GOOD SHIT? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP? THE HOSTILITY SLOWLY GIVING WAY TO RESPECT? THE RESPECT TURNING INTO ADMIRATION? Your honor, it’s delicious.

Reason 3: This reason is an NSFW concept, so if you don’t wanna see that, just Ctrl+F to the phrase “This brings us to our last character, Xandra” to skip it. We good? Everybody continuing to read wants to see this? Okay.

BRYNN TOTALLY PEGS HANSO. Like, I don’t have any sources, but by this point in the presentation, I hope I’ve established myself as an expert authority, and I hope you just believe me. She has the sword, in this relationship. Both literally and metaphorically. She pegs him and her strap is huge.

This brings us to our last character, Xandra.

Xandra is a Xweetok and also a magic scholar. She studied under Fyora, the Faerie Queen, and helps Hanso and Brynn with their investigation of the faeries’ petrification. She’s a lesbian because I say so, but uhhhhhh…

She’s also evil. Towards the end of “The Faeries’ Ruin” it was revealed that Xandra was the one who petrified the faeries all along. So yeah, she’s evil, buuuuuuut she’s super queer about it. How? Well, the answer lies in her motives.

The reason why she petrified the faeries was because she wanted to start a new Neopia without them. She believed that the faeries were hoarding power instead of using it to truly help Neopians. She actively wanted to destroy not just the faeries, but a symbol of power and control that arguably rules the world she lives in. She criticizes against that which controls the social expectations, and this criticism and questioning benefits the marginalized, the queered from the norm. Her intention was to create a kind of utopia free from a governing body that holds all the power. That’s pretty damn queer.

Honestly, I’m a little pissed she was branded as evil for this, but it was revealed that when the faeries were petrified, their good magic was gone and left Neopia vulnerable to evil magic shadows and Xandra didn’t really care. So uh, she had good and radical queer motives, but she went a little bonkers with power. I still love her though. 

So, Xandra is pretty awesome, I hope she gets therapy then attends a Pride protest. She would totally be there reminding everybody that Pride started with riots. Also she loves women.

Thank you all.

(Read my other off the shits analysis essays at actualbird.tumblr.com/tagged/nobody-asked-but! If you have a request or suggestion for an off the shits analysis essay I can write, send me an ask!)

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

1 3 and 10 c:

Ahh, thank you for the ask! c:

1. What is your favorite DC movie and why? And least favorite?

Justice League vs. Teen Titans! Because I’m simply biased as hell.

To ALL of its elements! Azarath! In a MOVIE! Arella’s story got RECOGNIZEd– even ANIMATED! It gave Raven’s gem a BACKSTORY! It’s everything I’ve ever wanted out of a Teen Titans animation.

(Azarath being animated in a movie fulfilled my SOUL, you have NO fucking idea. It was AMAZING. And so well animated too? So pretty? So peaceful? So nice to look at? Holy god, I want ten thousand hours of documentaries on that place??? legitimate tears in my eyes when we saw it. honestly, it was just… it was so good.)

Not to mention, while the production value was Kinda Eh, the writing was really clever and the Moments (silly, fun, heartfelt, freaky, dramatic) were all really well done. It captured the “Heart” of those feelings, emotive and raw and honest. I actually enjoyed the fun moments. Myself. And wasn’t just “distantly admiring people being happy”. Do you know how much of an ACCOMPLISHMENT that is?

The music was really cool. Not to reveal my Immortal Inner Emo Kid. But “Down to Nothing” is a really good song. (One of my only problems with this movie is that it was shoddily edited in the scene, and it’s a shame, because it really is a good song… {lD it was kinda my anthem for a long, long time after this movie. “Help me: believe in something, cuz I am: broken, I’m down to nothing. And it’s just so hard to be this way, but it’s just as hard to change. So: help me, believe in sooomethiiing….”)

(Because it’s in this movie, I grin a bit whenever Ciaran randomly shuffles it up. But also because I just really like the song itself.)

Also really cool: Trigon was an abusive asshole. Ultra mega props for that element; not just making him a Bad Guy because he’s Powerful and Wants to Rule the World, but legitimately showing that he was a BAD “GUY” *and* a Bad Parent.

Also nice, Damian felt less shoehorned in than Certain Other Really Recent Robins were in the comics…. (The reason for that may have been glossed over and a touch cliche, but it worked for the movie. It did what it needed to, nothing more and nothing less.)

Good thing too, because Damian being A Kid was really nice to see. (Raven too, let’s be real. Those kids need more “fun” in their lives.) Bond the children! BOND THEM, GODDAMN IT. That’s what any good Teen Titans story really needs; friends who are a FAMILY. They love each other, even if it’s hard-earned and hard-kept.

Focused on the PEOPLE, and their WELL-BEING, just as much as (if not MORESO!) than “ohshit, Big Bad Guy to deal with here”.

(the rest is under a cut, because godDAMN. I got rambly once I started talking about Raven.)

And perhaps most important of all to me: Raven’s characterization was amazing. Truly a masterpiece. Any time you’ve got a comic character with 7 different tones and 3-4 Literal Deaths and like 28 different writers having handled her: It takes a LOT of work to pick and choose what you want to do with them. It takes a lot of WISDOM and even prowess to triangulate your Own Characterization between such dramatic differences. Raven has been cold and distant; warm and soft; sharp and bitter; lost and clueless; wise and knowledgeable; she’s a very LAYERED and COMPLEX character even in each individual VERSION.

And the movie portrayed so many of her key characteristics so wonderfully. It’s a very “complete” picture of my absolutely Iconic Favorite Character, it encompasses so much of my Favorite Parts of her throughout her entire history, and it was just such a delight to experience. I, in my unpopular opinion (at least among my contemporary Cartoon-First Generation of Teen Titans Fans), actually really liked her voice actress, too? So subtle. So snarky. So soft, even with its edge of attitude. It was such a good fit for such a good incarnation!

And then there’s the fact that they included Jaime (who does well on his own, but honestly always seemed like a natural fit to the team), Kori (a Key Titan, let’s be honest), and even Gar (because his playfulness is a key part of Whole-Team Characterization too honestly; it wouldn’t be the same without him). It was a good setup, even with the comics this continuity’s based on being totally cracked.

And Cyborg showed up. Despite working “in the big Leagues” now. Thanks for throwing us that bone, at least. lD

And Damian? They did a great job of giving him character developement. Much needed. Good shit. If he can’t be with Dick!Bats in this verse (and I deeply prefer Dick as Nightwing anyways), that’s a really good fit for him. Learning to be human. Getting comfortable with Some Normalcy. Good and relateable.

That movie was just. Ahhh. SO Good. X3 As a Teen Titans fan especially, but also just as a person who likes a good Team Becoming Family story.

I love it. It has its caveats, but none of them dampen my obnoxiously heartfelt love for this thing.

*

(…yikes .after THAT essay, the rest of my answers are going to feel so shallow.)

All that bias aside though, my other favorite DC movie is definitely Wonder Woman. Hands down. Undoubtedly, no contest, no holds bar. It was a phenomenally well-told story with a lot of wit and compelling characters that used absolutely MASTERFUL rising action, and felt GENUINE. It was told from the heart as well as the camera, and it was told beautifully. Smoothly. It felt godly and human all at once. I can’t explain it very well, but it was genuinely one of the best movies I have ever seen.

I never got very into Wonder Woman, but from what I know of the 80’s and the Really Recent comics: It also captured her backstory, her personality, and her Style of Heroism really well. But even without being very familiar with her as a character? It’s a gorgeously well-done movie.

( Note: I still haven’t seen Justice League yet, but from what I’ve heard, I’ll probably end up liking that one too.)

*

Least favorite? I don’t know, honestly.

(My least favorite superhero movie is that one Marvel one with Vision, because I literally fell asleep while watching it. That’s the first time in my entire life I’ve fallen asleep while watching ANYTHING.)

But for DC, even the silly obnoxiously-radioactive-colored Batman and Robin has its place in history.

Can I just say, maybe… “the Injustice: Gods Among Us cutscenes”?- raven’s voice really grates my nerves, and not even in a Fun Creepy Way.- Whose idea was it to have SUPERMAN go evil? Like? ?? Who thought that was in any way a reasonable idea. - the story in that game felt really cobbled together. The comics are a lot more interesting, fun, and though there’s a lot of, like, Random Occurrences that seem to happen Exclusively For The Drama, in the game there are a lot of ill-explained things and general Random Chaos. Not my kinda story.

*

3. Which DC character should be introduced in movies/shows? Or have a movie/show of their own?

I mean. My automatic response is “Raven”, but I only ever want to see that if it’s being done right. The way CW wanted to do it kinda ripped the heart of everything I know/love about her to shreds. (”Relateable normal teen girl sudden has powers”? What? What??? That’s literally NONE of Raven’s backstory, shoo. Begone. Good riddance.)

That aside, I’d honestly probably watch the HELL out of a Nightwing show. Or movie. Just LET DICK BE HIMSELF. Without being attached at the history AND HIP to Bruce!

Or Death? or Sandman? I don’t know how well they’d translate to TV; Nightwing would certainly be the safer bet. Neil Gaiman’s writing is half as great as it is because of the WRITING. The style. The narrations… But, I mean: Coraline was just wonderful~ So why not a Sandman movie, too? Given the right director, and the right special effects team…?

(Constantine would’ve been next on my list, for a better movie anyway. but he’s already getting some decent recognition. So whoop whoop. Good shit. Nice Decision, DC. I Approve.)

10. Which DC character portrayal do you think is better in the comics than in the movies?

Batman. By far.

I’m just sick of all this manpain and gritty, utterly-unyielding violence, and… politics? Where’s the humanity?

Aren’t these writers forgetting that he’s someone who has suffered, and is doing all this, not just to beat up bad guys and look cool, but to save others from what theyd do? To HELP PEOPLE, not to growl like a man-tiger and punch things?

You can be badass and still have a heart, you know. Comics!Bruce does. (Most of the time.) And that’s a big part of why I like reading Batman comics so much.

And on that note, the conspicuous lack of Robins in (most) movies is an insult to comic history. Batman’s family-seeking and protect-the-children tendancies make for a much more interesting franchise, honestly. Give us a colorful cast! (Literally!) Give us diversity! Give us more stories with more characters so it has more facets than just “some guy wants to kill people; can’t have that”!)

As a sidenote: what I’ve seen of Gotham, it’s doing a really good job of encapsulating his Heroic Tendencies as well as his “sense of Duty” to Gotham and its people, while keeping him human AND super cool. That’s an important balance.

[daleisgreat]

Not for Resale: A Videogame Store Documentary

I have been following the work of gaming personality/author/collector/podcaster/YouTuber, Pat Contri for several years now. His line of ‘complete’ guide books that review every NES and SNES game have provided ample bedtime reading for me for well over a year. When I recall him first mentioning on his podcast that he teamed up with director Kevin J. James to executive produce a documentary on independent videogame stores, I instantly made a mental note to put their film, Not for Resale: A Videogame Store Documentary (trailer) on my radar. I pre-ordered it soon enough and wasted no time in devouring the BluRay and its extra features shortly after it arrived in the mail a little over a week ago. I have always had a soft spot for the independent/”ma and pa” game stores. I was fortunate to have one in my town in my childhood years where I first dabbled in trading in awful GameBoy games, but spent hours there perusing and trying out games on their multiple kiosks. Since then for about the last 15 years a small regional chain opened up here that specializes in retro games, but also has some new games and plenty of clothing/figures and other gaming related merchandise. There is just that intangible local comradery that is more welcoming there than the nationwide chain, GameStop.

Not for Resale captures that spirit of the indie game store by interviewing several independent game store owners that are featured throughout. Hearing their stories on what inspired them to start up their own game store and how long they have been in the business all had their own powerful DIY stories and a lot of them put a lot of stock into why they prefer physical games over digital. The production values for these interviews stands out with artistic B-roll, a pleasant ambient soundtrack dominated with smooth piano melodies and multiple camera angles making the interviews more dynamic. The theme of physical over digital came across to me as the thesis in Not for Resale with the interviews branching off on that topic in multiple directions. I was able to relate with them on many of those facets with some key argument points being addressed such as rural communities and military bases with limited to no Internet access, having actual ownership of a physical game compared to buying the ‘license’ of a digital game on a storefront that is not guaranteed to always be online among other factors touched on throughout. The not-so-desirable effects of collecting physical games are also touched on like when Greg Miller states being primarily a digital game supporter by justifying it of being not a fan of clutter. Other interviews state expected downsides of physical game collecting such as a gradually slimming retro game market and wear and tear taking a toll over the years on physical games and systems. One of my favorite scenes in the film is a collector trading in his complete American Saturn collection and him having a constructive back and forth with the clerk on how it was tough to let go, but he was moving onto marriage and the next step of his life.

Eventually Not for Resale pivots to game preservation and has some fascinating interviews with Videogame History Foundation members Frank Cifaldi and Kelsey Lewin. Both have a tremendous amount to offer, with Cifaldi especially being featured throughout on the importance of physical games and why they must be preserved. I liked how they tracked down the portion of the National Archives that has a videogame wing and showcased what they have in their vault and they touch on how they have a long way to go. Another informative scene is how the doc covers conventions and how Kelsey and Cifaldi state how imperative it is to reach out to collectors at retro game cons in order to chronicle and preserve as much material and rare prototypes as humanely possible. Another notable little highlight of this film for me was how an exhibit at a retro games convention has an early-to-mid80s model bedroom (complete with vintage woodgrain wallpaper) that I had to pause multiple times throughout and think to myself, “yeah, that was my childhood.” As much as I relate and am on board to the positives of physical games that Not for Resale hits on, I am relieved this is not a total dump on digital games and the filmmakers make sure to give digital games their proper due with them being huge for the rise of indie games and making game development for the latest systems accessible to nearly anyone. There is a well done scene interviewing the developers at Psyonix (pre-Epic acquisition) on their success story with their digital game Rocket League and how important it was for them to eventually have a physical copy on the shelves. They tracked down the founders of publisher, Limited Run Games who state why it is important for them to reach out to small indie game developers and get their games that launched first only as a digital game and get them out on a physical disc.

If I were to make any nitpicks with the documentary they had to deal with the subtitles. I love subtitles and am glad they are there, but whoever was in charge of them I feel is not familiar with some of the obscure platforms covered in Not for Resale. Certain instances being the ‘Ouya’ subtitled as ‘Uvio’ and Sega’s kid-friendly platform, the ‘Pico’ subtitled as ‘Peko.’ I love it when films go above and beyond for having the bonus features and commentaries subtitled, and sadly Not for Resale has neither. Again, I am splitting hairs and when my only qualms with this BluRay is with the subtitles then that is saying how well-rounded the rest of the package is. Speaking of the bonuses, Frank Cifaldi, Kelsey Lewin and Pat Contri do a roundtable session that a couple of quotes are pulled from in the documentary, but nearly their entire 41 minute discussion is available in the bonus features. The same treatment also happened to Greg Miller of Kinda Funny Games with a 14 minute extended interview with him touching on how the Master System’s Ghostbusters got him into games and why he prefers digital over physical games. There are two audio commentary tracks. One with director Kevin J. James and cinematographer Thomas Chalifour-Drahman and another with James and Pat Contri. I listened to the track with James and Contri and they unsurprisingly have a constant rapport of insightful factoids from the production such as highlighting favorite interviewees and how they surprised game store owners with their level of production equipment. I tend to be a fan of documentary commentaries by their sheer nature, and this one did not disappoint.

If you dear reader have been trending towards more and more digital gaming purchases only or are a younger game player who have not had the experience of going into a game store that is not a GameStop then be ready for some require learning. Not for Resale tremendously encapsulates a culture of gaming that should be celebrated and not forgotten. It does not overstay its welcome and you will have a whole new understanding of this slice in videogames in a brisk 86 minutes that will stick with you for years to come. Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street The Accountant Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron The Avengers: Infinity War Batman: The Dark Knight Rises Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed Deck the Halls Detroit Rock City Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Guardians of the Galaxy Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 Hercules: Reborn Hitman Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Major League Man of Steel Man on the Moon Man vs Snake Marine 3-6 Merry Friggin Christmas Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets Pulp Fiction The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Slacker Skyscraper Small Town Santa Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Sully Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Apocalypse X-Men: Days of Future Past

[banished-away]

favourite character tag !

tagged by @vault-emblem​!

Rules: List ten of your favourite characters in ten different fandoms and then tag ten other victims to do the same!

(i dont even know if i have 10 fandoms rn)

1- stefan (fire emblem 9/10)

this one was kinda obvious. i dont know how to explain my love for him, but he ties a lot into the lore, fits the ‘strange friendly hermit’ type and the cool teacher kind, plus being a very good unit and also mysterious. hes not the kind of character you find often!

2- silver (pokemon gsc/hgss)

i just love him. he was one of my first videogame crushes, his character arc has yet to be topped in any pokemon game (or game in general), hes a jerk rival done right, and frlg and hgss added so much more dept to him, and acts as a bridge between the johto and kanto games. his arc shows that, no matter how low yoiuve fallen, how evil you are, you can change for the better.

3- zuko (atla)

again, hello childhood crush. hes very similar to silver. his arc made me cry as a child and still makes me emotional now. his character growth should be used as a model for all redeemed villain characters

(also still salty he didnt end up with katara)

4- princess leia organa (star wars)

i got into star wars very late, just before tfa came out. from what everyone told me, leia was just the princess type, so i didnt have high hopes for her.

i was never happier to be proven wrong.

leia is who every girl should strive to be. shes strong, charismatic, and yet kind, with her snarky personality spicing everything up. she is a great role model, character and icon. i cant exactly put into words my love for her, but its a lot.

5- tonbokiri (touken ranbu)

this might be inaccurate bc i only watched katsugeki sorry im a fake im just a sucker for gentle giants types. hes easily the strongest of the second unit and yet is the quietest, gentlest one. his fight with the ootachi made me emotional, and seeing him overcome it in the last episode almost made me cry. i love how he acts as kind of a mediator in the group. i cant wait to see more of him as i get deeper into tkrb hell!

6- geralt of rivia ( the witcher books)

there is another archetype of character arc i love, and its “lone wolf suddenly grows to care for a small child”. and geralt is the best example of it. his particular view of the world, the contrast between how he acts and appears versus his nice personality, and how he grows to care for ciri and acts as her father figure makes him a very multi-faceted, interesting protagonist and character.

7- heartstone (magnus chase and the gods of asgard)

i just care for him so much. his character arc about accepting himself is lovely, hes an endearing character and you can see he cares deeply for magnus and co. in a book full of great characters, hes easily my fav

(help im running out of people ill just do more fe games)

8- azel (fire emblem 4)

i can relate to azel a lot. we are both always overshadowed by people we care for, are weak mentally and phisically, and didnt grow up in the best of enviroments. yet his resolve to go on is inspiring, and his soft and gentle personality is very close to mine. despite everything he remained strong, and according to kaga’s notes, despite all that happened between him and arvis he still loved his brother so much, and still believed in him being good.

9- mareeta (fire emblem 5)

talking about characters who go through a lot! mareeta is one of my favorite characters ever. the premise of her character is a pretty epic one: the daughter of a fallen prince with special blood which gives them mastery of teh sword, who was abducted bt slave traders and then saved by a mysterious amnesiac woman (herself a fallen princess), raised in a small village with the protagonist (ANOTHER fallen prince), then taken away again and forced to fight her mother, saved in secret by her father, and now out to save her mom. and yet she is just a normal girl, who just wants to be with the woman who took care of her for so many years. even her desire to get stronger is born out of guilt over having eyvel captured. shes just a normal teen girl: she fails, cries, gets angry, suffers a lot (this is jugdral after all), and yet she never gives up. she keeps going and going, despite all she goes through. and in the end she has her happy ending: she returns to fiana with her mother, reunites with her father, becomes a famous swordmaster. her story is one of the most interesting in jugdral, its hard to not get attached to her.

10- giratina (pokemon dppt)

hey, did you know that the-banished-one is a subtle reference to them? no? good bc if you did then it would be embarassing

but now ive embarassed myself on here enough to revela it

i just. fcking love giratina. they have great lore, a great role, great stats, great type combination, great design, great E V E R Y T H I N G. plus the concept of a god of balance and antimatter is??? just fucking cool????? plus i love them not being good or evil. theyre just there, doing their antimatter balance thing. not doing anuthing bad? good, giratina is happy. youre fucking up with the space-time continuum? too bad, youre gonna get sucked into a black hole into a world where gravity isnt a thing and everything is different from our reality

(also just how cool is the distortion world??? a lot, thats how much)

also i loved the giratina movie. i loved taht trilogy in general, but the giratina movie is extra good. smol shaymin becoming friends with a giant eldritch abomination??? sign me tf up!!!!

i tag @this-is-the-light-of-zwei, @jugdraldefender, @sanguine-daydreams, @02nz, @spooky-soleil and just anyone who wants to do this

[sincerelypoetry]

The Facets of A Gemini

The following is an interview written by me, between a friend, fellow artist, poet, and rapper, SHēk. 

Featured artwork, illustrated by me.

Link for his music: https://soundcloud.com/leonel-414

The Facets of A Gemini

Written by, Megan Diaz

   It’s mid to late November, when I had the opportunity to meet this individual I’d consider to be quite an influence for his age. Slick in his rhymes and word play, presented with such a graceful zest within his music. The defintion of “chic” is simply, elegant, and South Milwaukee rapper, SHēk is gracefully, unapologetically a die hard for his craft. Inspired by the late Puerto Rican rap icon, Big Pun, SHēk whom also shares Puerto Rican and Mexican descent has been writing, and rapping for nearly a decade. Just shy of turning twenty this year in June, for his age, and our generation, he speaks his mind and thoughts with such poise.

   Leonel Alvarez stands exactly six feet, his nearly ink black hair slicked back with a nice low skin fade taper, and he dresses in his own comfort. My first time sharing a conversation with him blew me away. For starters, I underestimated him. If he’s reading this, I apologize. I knew a lot of people who rapped with their content on Soundcloud, but as such a lover of hip hop, and respect for words in general, no one seemed to hook me on their sound. Leonel is different, not in the sense of what he produces, but in all he does. SHēk is on his own level, and his creative process is fascinating to witness in person. He’s had restless nights as he stays up late hours perfecting his music. A flaw some would call it, but the passion he has for rap is something that makes you want to work as hard as the dude hearing him go off. Anticipating his breakthrough, this is someone who I believe has the gift to achieve anything he’s dedicated to. Over the months I’ve gotten to know him, he’s inspired me heavily. Halfway through April I decided to pick his mind with just five questions, once again, his responses only made me more excited for him as an artist, and person.

What age did you realize rapping was something you wanted to pursue?

I've been writing since I was about 10/11. It was just a bunch of corny stuff at first, I wasn't great at it but it was something I really liked to do. It was a creative outlet, I was always more of a quiet kid. That was my way of expressing myself. When I was 16, I wrote more heavily. My friends would play beats in the car when we'd cruise or be posted up somewhere. They always encouraged me and hyped me up, I never thought I was really that good but their influence motivated me to keep getting better. So I started heavily writing music and really fell in love with it. That's when I started recording on my laptop, and it all went up from there.

Was there ever a moment you thought realistically that being a rapper is just a dream?

Of course, sometimes I still do. Everyone has their doubts. Especially with the music you see out now. It's like 50/50. You see the artists out now. They have no real lyrical content, no substance, if anything, the producers should get most of the credit for making the beats the audiences are truly crazy about because the lyrics aren't really there. As for the other side, it's like well if Lil whatever can do it then I can too because he ain't really saying nothing. But it's all about perspective and perseverance. If you really want something you won't give up.

Passion, grind, and hustle, all go together, how does that affect the way you approach your craft?

That's a huge part of my game plan. If I can't come forward when I'm writing with a fully committed approach it's like I'm cheating myself. I know the potential is there. Its up to me to be the one that lets it out, the one that shows out. Not only to show myself of what I'm capable of, I already know what I can do, it's more for the people checking out my music. Your music should be somewhat revealing and give the audience a sense of who you are as a person. That's when it's most relatable.

What do you think makes you creative, and independent as an artist with your mindset?

What separates me from other artists in terms of mindset is my work ethic and room for improvement. I don't like to settle, at all. If I finish writing a song I'll most likely write another one or two. It's like once I'm warmed up I don't want to take a break. Why should I? My thoughts just keep flowing like crazy. I have too much to say. And as for room for improvement, i can get complimented but I don't let it get to my head. I hold myself to a very high standard. I don't let people’s support get to my head. I am my biggest critic and always know there is room for improvement. I'll never stop getting better, I just wanna one up myself every single day. Too many people settle. They see something works for them and keep it at that. Times change, things change, trends change. I don't keep up with trends. I make the music I wanna make, I could care less about the trends. Those who truly appreciate rap, and music in general as an art form, those are the ones who can truly appreciate my music.

What do you want your audience to take from your words?

I want my audience to understand that there's still real rappers/lyricists out there. We still exist. Trends die. It's only a matter of time before we come up and take over again. That trap sh*t is cool but it's not real you know. I want my audience to hear my shit and be like wow, yeah, I feel that sh*t. Damn. I f*** with this. But most importantly I write what I feel, my music represents me. And I'm sure some of the sh*t I say can be easily translated and relatable to a broad audience.

     Self made, SHēk created his own way to tell stories, the beat doesn’t determine his hits. The need for verification isn’t something that withold’s him when he’s developing a song. As an artist with an open mind he feeds into the world around him, and pulls it back into poetic lyrics. Above, SHēk states there is a lack of true confrontation and meaning within rap today. Something I have always found admirable is his desire to always give the words he speak purpose. SHēk knows his capability, and like any artist he knows the struggle of doubt. Quitting cannot defeat him, he’s on the run with his work. Strength and courage remain by his side because doubt cannot phase him. His journey continues to flourish, and he follows his own flow.      

     Always filled with motivation, he not only pushes himself, but encourages others and his audience to do so as well. Truly a humble individual who gives off such refreshing energy, and good vibes. His career in music hasn’t reached a peak, which makes it exciting to see him in the moments now. This nineteen year old has the potential to go anywhere with the way he diligently works, through night and day. He gets put in this mode, and as someone who is so involved in their art to see another artist lost in their passion is one of the rawests moments you can capture of somebody. The insight he shares is just part of what makes SHēk an artist to listen to. It’s the content in his lyricism, he’s able to go deep in a regular conversation, but when he spits it, freestyles, shit he just threw down on paper quick, it brings me back to why I love rap and hip hop so much. He knows his priorities, he knows his hustle and how to run it all. Gemini traits run in his blood, there’s never been an individual I’ve met in music who’s got the dedication he does.

[ddrkirbyisq]

A friend of mine recently showed me a prompt about core values that I thought might be an interesting exercise to go through myself.  Here's the prompt: Across cultures, religions and time itself, people have admired and aspired to the same universal values--among them integrity, generosity, courage, humility, compassion, loyalty, perseverance--while rejecting their opposites--deceit, greed, cowardice, arrogance, callousness, disloyalty and sloth. To begin to explore more deeply the values that are most compelling to you, we suggest that you set aside uninterrupted time to respond to the following questions: - Jump ahead to the end of your life. What are the three most important lessons you have learned and why are they so critical? - Think of someone that you deeply respect. Describe three qualities in this person that you most admire. - Who are you at your best? - What one-sentence inscription would you like to see on your tombstone that would capture who you really were in your life? The end goal of all of this was to sift through and realize what "compelling values" you hold, but let's first sort through these bulleted questions, as they are not only related but also interesting in their own right. - Jump ahead to the end of your life. What are the three most important lessons you have learned and why are they so critical? Already a tough one to answer!  I think the first and most obvious one that pops into my mind is one that I feel like I've been explaining and talking about with others a bit more nowadays -- that of my relationship with the past (of course, you know it had to be something to do with the past).  Specifically, what I learned through several life experiences -- that a lot of the time I cannot move forward in life if I feel that I am leaving something behind.  And moreover, the fact that I *need* to pay my respects to the past and feel connected to it.  This is something that I've struggled with my whole life because somehow the idea of change and loss is really hard for me to cope with, and I think things became a lot easier for me once I realized that even though nothing lasts forever and I will always lose things, it is still necessary for me to hang onto rememberances and try to retain what I can, as a coping mechanism.  And that to do otherwise casuses me great emotional distress.  This is basically the Kiki lesson, as she is the presence in my life that I associate most strongly with this question.  You could also call it the "Star" lesson. I guess second would be that it's important to put yourself in healthy environments and good situations.  More specifically, that you don't have to (and shouldn't) subject yourself to suffering and sacrifices in order to do things that are worthwhile.  This one is the Marching Band lesson, basically.  I think growing up there were many many times when I was put into situations that were really toxic to my well-being, including but not limited to "bonding communication time" when I was at my most introverted and withdrawn states, being super super stressed out about band, and in general just dealing with a whole host of people who were not supportive to me.  I think with Marching Band in particular it was such a meaningful and important experience to me that I was totally willing to put myself through a lot for the sake of it.  However, later on in life it became apparent to me that there are many other things in life that are just as good without being toxic at the same time.  Basically, this lesson boils down into "treat myself right" and don't be in unhealthy relationships. A third one?  I guess I would say just in general how to try to sympathize with others and not just see everything from my own point of view.  Basically...human connection.  I was terrible at this because I was always a super loner and really introverted as well not to mention I had a bit of a pride issue and stubborn streak.  So I think I was really judgmental and bad at seeing things from other points of view or even just respecting other people's different opinions or ways of being.  Part of this was also my upbringing because the examples that I grew up with did exactly this so I'm glad that I was able to realize that it is actually a big problem. - Think of someone that you deeply respect. Describe three qualities in this person that you most admire. All these multi-part questions!  I don't think this will be a single person but rather, spread across multiple people, as a more general thing. I think one is the ability to be an "anchor" (no, not in the West Coast Swing sense...), or rather, that quality in people where no matter how many years go by it's still the same thing.  That seeing them again almost brings a sense of nostalgia, because they still are who they are.  Of course everyone has this to some extent -- it's not very often that people change in a very core way.  But certain people really make me feel it very clearly, and it feels super refreshing and actually gives me a really hopeful feeling, that something can stay so untouched amidst a world of such sweeping changes. I think another is open-mindedness.  I think seeing people embrace new things and create meaningful life experience because of it is really inspiring to me, in large part because I prioritize comfort and routine so new things are really deprioritized in my life...so when I see other people having such success with them it sometimes really makes me think and make sure that I'm not just being complacent.  New things (Ne) is my weak point and I'm really bad at it but I'll never grow as a person without it. Also, empathy and being able to understand, connect with, and help others.  As I mentioned above I am not really good at this but I actually value it a lot and I think it's really really inspiring when I see certain people being a positive presence in others' lives. - Who are you at your best? Comfortable and at peace!  I am living in my routine and doing the things that I am always doing.  Everything is "in its place" and because I feel so comfortable and "in my element" I actually feel more willing to try one or two new things.  Basically I am at my best when I feel like I am secure in my comfort zone and that is the time when I am willing to see what is outside of it. At my best I think I am proactive in reaching out to people, 100% dependable, always following through with everything that I planned, and taking care of everything that needs to be taken care of.  I am reaching towards achievements and goals while at the same time being happy.  I am "in the zone". - What one-sentence inscription would you like to see on your tombstone that would capture who you really were in your life? I donno...something about the past.  Or something artsy that has to do with the fact that I have finally "moved on" from life.  Like, "Always" was what you said. Except... you also didn't stay. You, who longed to be with the stars. No...that's probably bad to put as an epitaph, huh. xD  Yeah, probably just something about the past.  But you know, as my best friend pointed out recently -- when I do have a tombstone, it will mean that I am part of the past, too.  I will finally be a part of that "past" that I am always looking back on.  If my soul still exists at that time, I feel that my entire perspective about everything will change so much.  But I guess that would be true for anyone. To bring this back to core values, I think it's no surprise that the thing I value most in general is dependability, persistence, and loyalty -- or more specifically, a resistance to change.  Since a large part of my life seems to be centered around trying to keep things the same while coping with necessary change, it's extremely important for me to be able to stay the same as I once was, and to have people around who also would not change as well.  I think it is this value that drives many facets of my personality.  For example, one reason I seem to have such a diverse set of hobbies (music, games, dance, writing, art, blogging, calligraphy...) is because I don't want to drop any of them.  A lot of the time when I talk about being "true to myself" or "being Timmie" what I actually mean is staying consistent with what I have done in the past.  Not just because the past is important in an abstract sense, but because what I was in the past was =known to be good= and thus I begin to question any deviations from it. The second thing that I seem to value is comfort.  This usually goes hand in hand with being consistent because for the most part what is consistent *is* what is comfortable.  But in general, making sure that one is taking care of themselves and putting themselves in good situations, as well as making time to stop and smell the roses. A large part of my life actually revolves around finding a balance between persistence and comfort.  As I mentioned earlier the two are often synonymous, but oftentimes persistence dictates that I make sacrifices because keeping up a pattern can be difficult given varying circumstances -- after all, that is the whole reason why keeping patterns is hard in the first place! For the most part I try to defer to remaining consistent, but I have definitely gotten into trouble with this and have needed to take a step back and recenter myself, especially when my persistence goals are unrealistic (writing Christmas letters to every single person I've ever written to???).  This is one of the reasons I value my best friend's company so much; because she helps me be more balanced in terms of letting go of my consistency in favor of comfort. On the flip side, though, if I don't adhere to consistency enough it really does come back to haunt me.  I think this comes up in two main ways.  The most obvious one is that if I don't feel connected enough to the past, I just start thinking about it more and more and eventually become depressed and have to lose myself in it for awhile.  I think at its core this is just because I look backwards to the past to make sure that I am going in the right direction at the present.  If I find that I have strayed from the course drastically, it's really unsettling for me because I won't be able to stop looking at the path that I was on previously and remembering how good it was, and I'll really question everything I'm doing currently and why I gave up all that I had before.  The second way that consistency comes back to bite me is if I haven't been keeping up with a given thing -- like for example if I haven't worked on any game dev in a week or two, maybe because I'm feeling lazy or something.  When that happens it keeps on bugging me and if it continues you'll often hear me write about it in my blog or letters over and over again that I haven't done it in a while and need to get back to it.  Even when it's not something that I "have to do", it still feels like a responsibility to me because I don't want to drop anything. And then I guess my third core value would be empathy and caring for others.  This is more of an aspiration than something that I actively feel like I have, but I think that when my first two values of consistency and comfort are in a good balance, that is usually when I start thinking more about my connections with others in a more truly empathetic way (or at least attempting to).  I think by far and large I actually defer to consistency in maintaining most of my friendships -- which basically means writing letters and messaging them with the same sort of small talk initiation all the time, for better or worse.  But I think there comes a point when I need to be a little more proactive and focused in order to really connect with people. So there you have it: my three values are consistency, comfort, and empathy, in that order (not sure if those three words are the exact correct ones, but you get the idea).  In terms of MBTI, the first two are definitely my Si (introverted sensing) at work (consistency more than comfort) and empathy is my Fe (extraverted feeling).  Ti (introverted thinking) didn't really make an appearance at all, but Ne (extraverted intuition) actually did come up, because I mentioned I admire open-mindedness.  I don't think that's a core value for myself though.

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 5.2

Everyone draws themselves out to be the hero, Overselling their merits, down playing the faults. I’m going to try to play that down here.

-grass is always greener m I rite?-

This ones about my side, my angle on what we did for each other, maybe one day you’ll let me know yours. Probably not. Not that I see an amicable end anymore.

So i’m going to start with my cons, it’s easier. They’re always sitting around in my head somewhere waiting to haunt me.

I’d like to point out that tumblr fucking lost my post and i’m retyping from here. Fuck. First I’m sorry that I didn’t spend more time at your place and with your family, that I let you accommodate to my awkwardness and insecurity, and we always spent time at my place. I’m sorry I let that become our norm. It might not have seemed like much, yknow we we’re still together right? But no, I robbed you of time with your family, time in your own space , luxuries you afforded me and maybe that’s why you lost yourself, you were just too deep into me. You know how i’m always sweating the “ small ” things, how like I’m always fussing about things. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was fighting you about it, if I belittled your beliefs and watered you down. Truth of the matter is, like I told Joel, I’ve know for a long time that I would wife you, and despite my differences and yours, I would give you everything I could if you’d ask for it. Me fighting back sometimes would just be me fishing, trying to see if it really mattered, but more so you wouldn’t find out that I was such a pushover when it came to you. On some level I didn’t want to lose myself giving you everything, but on another I wanted to, but I just couldn’t let everything go so easily, I wanted to seem rooted, so maybe it seem like I could say no. I’m sorry if this divided us. For example, sometimes when you ask it’s not only about over promising, what if I promise and you take it for granted? I’m sorry I wasn’t vulnerable enough. I didn’t like to go out; and you really liked to go out. It got to the point where when we did go out, you’d tell me that you didn’t feel comfortable, that I was rushing you. I should have assured you it was fine. I didn’t. Since that failed, we fell into the situation where you would go out with you friends and I’d just be home waiting for you. Seems like a win win right? I get what I want and you do to. But thinking back I don’t think you did get what you wanted. You didn’t just need to be out, you didn’t need someone with you, on some level I feel now that you needed me to be there with you. I was never really one for mixers, and I slowly shied from contact under the umbrella of your love. It really didn't hit me till we were talking about me cutting my hair today. I was so dependent on you to finish my shit for me, to do my shit for. It's never really felt like much and I don't know if you noticed but yknow how we ordered food and I'd say what I wanted you and you'd do the rest. Yea it wasn't really nice to find that out today. And I guess you knew all along seeing how you are always afraid to take me out know that be a stick in the mud ruining your fun. I'm going to need to fix that about myself. __________________________________________ Now then let's talk about things I think I did do right, at least in my opinion. When I first met you I was in a weird place, I was running from my classmates, trying to find a safe haven for me to just set up shop and let walls down. I was finding some one I could click with, cause I needed to. This involved talking a a bunch of other girls. From early on I could pick up that you didn't like it, you were disturbed by them, more so than you'd like to admit so I got rid of them all and decided not to hang around girls anymore. What did I need them for? I had you. Sure the gay jokes about me were sad and yes it felt pretty lonely not having anyone to turn to but I don't know I felt if that help keep us happy, it was worth it. But now you're gone, and there's no one. Last point was sort of weak and the original captured more of how I felt but whatever i'm really numb now. The limbo of us talking is so weird. On one hand I like that you're here but it's not the same and it just makes me feel so insecure. Moving on, I know we were talking about unconditional love it's the other day, and you were saying that was what you gave me. Truth of the matter is you did, and I hope that I was able to give the same to you. I felt that I did my best to take care of you; ferrying you point to point, taking you out for meals and stuff, supporting you in everything you did. It felt nice, and sure you could say "Na fuck you, you just spent your parents money.. " you wouldn't be wrong but you're missing the point. I've never really been good about spending their money, and with you I could just do it guilt free because I knew it was worth it. Spending a years worth of my money so we could watch Coldplay, worth it. Waiting till 5am so I can send you home and make sure you were okay, worth it. Selfishly on some level I wish Rachel was still around. Her and Doug really made me shine, and hopefully in your eyes too. Yes she makes you shine too but you've always shined , that's why you're you. But I wish she was around to tell you how lucky you were, and what a dick other guys can be. I didn't like that she wanted you to be crazy like here but she did make me feel assured, and sometimes you'd echo her praises. I really miss those praises. ------------------------------------------------------ There's more to say above but I can't right now, i'm hurting so I will just add this last one in. York, yes York. I feel that I've handled her quite well. The crazy shrew. It started out with us talking, and we clicked, she felt that she could be open with me about her family problems, and I could relate. For the first time in 10 years, 17 year old me had found someone I could talk about with my family problems. It was liberating, being able to bounce things off her, and her relating back to me, our responses verbatim. We tried dating but that didn't work out, no not because she's crazy or anything but because I couldn't open the rest of myself to her, I was so caught up in sharing one facet of myself, it was the only part of myself I could share. As the years went on I tried to excise her from my circles, but it was hard, we still clicked and I still needed someone to talk to about these problem, but I trotted on. I'm sure you knew that she was always trying to pull me away from you to revisit us, and I was never at nipping that at the bud. There was the incident of bawling at a stay over at kierons, the entire disaster which was the batam holiday; a holiday which she single handedly put together so she could get me in a room alone to talk about her unresolved feelings. I'd always be able to say no to her, but there was once I was tempted. I'm sure you know, remember when I had lost feelings? Remember the week where we almost broke up because I didn't know what I felt anymore? I was lured by exploring unfinished paths, or exploring the world alone, I was afraid that I hadn't done enough. I was afraid to commit. I'm sure you do, that's where you gave me the talk, you told me that love was a choice. Some days would be easier and some days would be harder and but the end of the day you'd be the one to choose whether we continued together, you decide to work on the issues we would face. This opened an entirely new angle to love for me, something that's I can only describe as accountability or responsibility, that what happens is ultimately down to us, and i'm glad that resonated with me because at the end of the day, I chose you and our relationship blossomed. So the next milestone in this part of our story was what happened at Christmas. Everything as usual, my classmates come over and you wanted to be here for reasons I'd let you tell me. But something happened that day and I think I should be honest about it now. So everything was going smoothly, it was getting late so we moved to the basement, Mayank hosted a game and me and York got paired. Mariann came along and started talking to us. I thought she wanted to catch up, but she started asking personal questions about our relationship, points that she probably knew we were in contention about ( our sex life, our plan for kids, our plan for raising kids, how we were going to handle religion, how we would deal with family) and like she dig and claw into every crack she could find. Looking back now I know she was priming me. For what came next. So next up York goes on about how William almost didn't come and how they were fighting, because she had a sex dream about me. (Lmao bitch I haven't seen you in a year the fuck you on about) and ask if I thought about her, I told her sometimes I would but we were seeing people now and we owed it to each other and both you and William to see things through. She countered back with this. She said yea I was right, but she'd like to be done with these thoughts, she asked how she could talk to me without you knowing, I asked why, and then it came. She wanted to meet me for one night, to end everything, a night of "crazy sex " and we'd say goodbye. In that moment I was thrown off, like what the fuck but I wanted to find you. Not because I needed to hold you to find the strength to say no, but because I felt nothing in that moment, that I was so sure in my commitment to you, it was a happy moment for me, and a breakthrough, but it was only fleeting cause you'd already left, you didn't like me sitting with her so you left without saying goodbye. I wrestled with telling you about that happened that night, I struggled with it for a week. I couldn't tell anyone because I only have you. Luck would have it that me and Robin would run into daphne, and I managed to pour everything out to her. She told me not to tell you, a decision she would turnover. She said no good could come from it. I took her advice, not solely because it was sound but because it was easy. Now i'm not trying to say i'm a hero for the choices I made, im just trying to give context to why the " love is a choice " thing means so much to me, and maybe you'd understand how much it hurts that you don't think so. I also want to be able to tell you anything, I want us to be honest with each other, so that we can work through things together. I want to be able to share everything with you. But we'll see how that goes.

[coltcoanphoto]

A Recent Interview I Did for a Friend’s College Course

1. What degree did you earn in college? Is it relevant to concert photography, and if not, how did you find yourself in this career?

Well, it may not be what a university wants to hear, but I actually didn’t go to college. I graduated high school in 2009 and began working in the I.T. industry for one of the largest engineering companies in the world, Black and Veatch. I moved up the ‘corporate ladder’ so to speak as much as a young adult could for about 7 years. When I was 21, I picked up an old Nikon DSLR from a pawn shop out of a pure desire for a hobby at the time. As I shot more and more on the weekends, my love for this job grew and there was no turning away at that point!

2. Brief overview of your career path/how you got to where you are as a photographer

I guess the way I reached the position I’m in now was through a lot of trial and error as an entrepreneur, and as a creative. I had to figure out everything from what to charge, how to properly communicate with people in the music industry, and what to even expect of the job as new opportunities arose. I started covering music as both a photographer and writer, running my own online website Rockroll Magazine.

I was able to take the website to around 10,000 unique viewers per month, which was quite an accomplishment within 9 months of launching. This led to me having face-to-face opportunities with certain artists who I would ask to “grab a candid portrait” of them. These are quick, natural light portraits I’d grab and share on the site. It was something unique and led to getting offers to work for the bands directly. I simply evolved and grew from this model, which led to a more continuous client base.

There are obvious pitfalls to being thrown into the fire so to speak, but I think it’s the best way for you to sink or swim. It leaves no room for complacency when your career relies upon your nature to evolve with the business.

3. Average daily/weekly responsibilities?

My daily responsibilities include: Checking both business emails for new potential assignments or opportunities, promotion on all social media platforms targeting my key demographics for each medium, creating marketing materials to use for promotional purposes, editing any sets (photo sessions) still in the queue, as well as obviously shooting the assignments themselves. There’s also different business meetings with potential clients, business partners and sponsors that happen as well.

4. Favourite/most challenging aspects of your job?

The most challenging aspects of this job are finding enough hours in the day. If you aren’t careful, you can end up spending too much time dedicated to one facet of this job, and totally lose out on the time you needed to dedicate to X,Y or Z. It’s a difficult career, balancing 3 or 4 jobs into one position. Be prepared to work 12-16 hour days at times!

5. Most important skills (photography related or personal) are most important for your work and interactions with clients?

I believe you need to possess an understanding of the financial climate of this country right now. If you’re based on the west coast, your rates need to be higher than someone in Kansas City, and so on. I also feel that you must possess a strong will power to know who your client base is, and stick to it. That isn’t to say you can’t take the odd job every now and then, but if you’re a music photographer, you need to put all of your focus into being the best music photographer you can be. You can’t spread yourself too thin. I guess the third one should be, you should actually have a natural ability to capture breath taking images that tell the natural and unaltered story of the scene.

6. How important is international experience in your field?

I think that is all relevant to your desires and goals within this field. If your desire is to be a tour photographer, there’s only one way you’ll learn how to operate outside of the United States, and that’s to go do it. I don't think anyone is going to have the experience walking in the door, so I’d say it’s a negligible quality in the beginning.

7. How did you prepare yourself to work as a professional photographer (before you became pro, what did you have to do to make sure this was a viable career path)?

I never really say much regarding camera equipment, because a true professional can make any camera work for them to take beautiful images. That being said, the most valuable thing I ever did to prepare myself for this career was wait until I could afford the best equipment my budget allowed me. Good lenses will last you a lifetime if you treat them well, and will hold their value over time. If you don’t invest in yourself, you will regret it when something fails on-site at a shoot and you have no plan B.

Between saving up through photo jobs, my day job at the time as well, and building the best portfolio I could, it put me in the best position I could really be in outside of getting third party capital.

8. What preparation do you suggest for someone looking to work in this business?

I truly suggest figuring out what it is you enjoy about photography. Is it simply capturing the images? Do you enjoy interacting with a variety of people, places and things? You have to find yourself in this world before you can succeed in it. If you don’t know what it is that’s drawing you in, then go discover yourself behind a lens until you know 100% what your path is, and then put in the hours to become the best you can be. You don’t have to leap into a full time career in photography (or anything for that matter). Build your portfolio and network as much as possible. You’ll have the gut feeling when you know its time to make the call to evolve.

9. Advantages and disadvantages of this line of work (frequent travel, work hours, tolls on social life, etc)

Depending on the ‘sub-category’ you choose to partake in (whether its as a tour photographer, shooting for an agency, a magazine, etc), you will have different pros and cons. As a freelance photographer myself, the biggest advantage is that I’m my own boss. I don’t rely on anyone’s schedule but my own. The biggest advantage is also the biggest disadvantage unfortunately. You have to be a master at keeping yourself to a strict schedule, so you don’t end up wasting hours on video games or Facebook, and instead spend that time networking for new clients or opportunities.

10. What skills do you learn as a professional photographer that have relevance to other potential careers?

I’d say the basic traits like discipline, respect, perseverance, and so on. You have to have some customer service skills in there when working with clients, as well as a strong sales-like personality. You have to be able to ask for the sale.

11. What do agencies or magazines look for in a potential hire?

As a contributor and recruiter for an agency, I can tell you the top three things I look for when scouting potential signees.

1. A simple, yet easy to use portfolio that tells me who you are, your style, and what you do within 15 seconds

2. Professionalism is key.

3. Research into the type of the work the agency handles, and if it matches the type of work you produce.

12. Once hired, what do people new to the industry typically work on/work for? How does one work their way up to higher profile assignments?

Let’s use a music photography and a print publication as an example. If you’re a newly ‘hired’ photographer (most print publications are no longer hiring staff photographers, only freelancers on assignment) you’re most likely going to get scraps that aren’t currently being covered by their ‘go-to’ shooters. The way to rise above this is to produce outstanding work, first and foremost. If your work is better than the other photographers, you’ll get better assignments. The other thing is to help your advancement is to uphold the ethical standards of photojournalism. There are many photographers who lose their positions due to unethical altering of their work. If you stick to what is and isn’t ethical, you’ll go a lot further.

13. Explain the social heirarchy among people within the industry. How does one become more sought after, besides putting out high quality content consistently?

Speak about your peers as if you’re speaking to them directly. This is a common mistake that many professionals make, thinking that anything they say in this industry is sacred or secret. It’s a large industry, but close enough for one person to know 20 others that may have influence on your future. If you remain respectful and humble, worrying about yourself and not anyone else, you’ll see success as someone who produces amazing photographs, who also has a great personality to go with it.

14. Any relevant information you can think of, or advice on topics not previously asked, is extremely helpful as well. Thanks!

If you’re looking to become a photographer, videographer, graphic designer, painter, or any other type of artist, go into this knowing that this is an industry for hard working individuals who have a deep passion for their craft. This is an industry for the money makers, but it’s also an industry that’s hard to make money in. You don’t become a creative to make money, you become a creative to be successful. If you want to get rich quick, this may not yield the results you’re after. If you’re here to share the work you’re creating with the world, all the while working long hours to make an honest living, you’ve come to the right place.