#not my fault 90% of the cast is playing it VERY straight

[nicollekidman]

like it took me a second to realize the weirdass bonkers gonzo tone was intentional but now i get it

[alln64games]

Banjo-Kazooie

NA release: 29th June 1998

PAL release: 17th July 1998

JP release: 6th December 1998

Developer: Rare

Publisher: Nintendo

N64 Magazine Score: 90%

Banjo-Kazooie is possibly my favourite game, something I utterly love. I play it around Christmas every year and never get tired of it. But why is this? What makes Banjo-Kazooie such a lovable game to play?

For starters, Banjo-Kazooie has a lot of character, from Banjo-Kazooie themselves to the worlds, settings and music. Even characters like Colliwobble (a giant cauliflower with googly eyes) has a magical style and charm to it. I think it’s Rare’s love for googly eyes, so much stuff has it, including boulders, blocks of ice and boxes of TNT. The world of Banjo-Kazooie is just alive in a joyful way.

Then you have the heroes Banjo and Kazooie. Banjo is a fairly straight character. For the most part he’s kind and gentle and wants to do good. If he was completely on his own, he may be a bit bland, but luckily his trust friend Kazooie lives in his backpack. Kazooie is rude, sassy and will mock anything. Together, it makes for great banter between them and other characters. And all dialogue is text with grunts, which helps make their world remain unique. I really hope any (if there are any) future games keep this as I’m not sure how I’d feel about proper voice acting.

Banjo-Kazooie is a 3D collect-a-thon platformer, which doesn’t go overboard on its collectibles. Banjo and Kazooie have a lot of moves crammed onto a controller, but they all work really well. There are some slight niggles, like trying to change the camera while aiming an egg can activate your golden feathers, but the platforming itself feels extremely precise, with any missed jumps never feeling like the game’s fault. The camera also functions fine for the most part, but there’s a couple of areas with some forced angles that don’t work, such as the path to Mad Monster Mansion which is a narrow walkway that can be difficult to see.

There are 9 worlds in Banjo-Kazooie. These each have 10 jiggies to collect, 100 notes, two honeycomb pieces (which increase your health). One jiggy in every level will be finding all five Jinjos hidden in each level. The levels will be considered small by today’s standards, but I think that they are ideal. It’s a size where you can search for everything without tedium or growing tired of it. Each world has its own charm.

Mumbo’s Mountain is a great introductory world. It’s a great introduction to how jiggies are hidden. Some are out in the open, some given to you by characters, some by activating switches and some by smashing things or just trying to shoot eggs into any hole you find. It sets you up for handling the later levels. It also introduces the important Talon Trot move, which allows you to use Kazooie’s legs to traverse steep slopes, and the layout of the level encourages heavy use.

Also here is the first Mumbo Skull. Enter here and you’ll find the crazy shaman Mumbo Jumbo. If you’ve found enough Mumbo tokens, he’ll cast a spell on you and you’ll turn into a termite. These transformations are another wonderful thing about Banjo-Kazooie. They’re not in every level so aren’t overused, but they turn you into different animals (or objects), which is required for certain jiggies. They’re all wonderful to use and are simply a joyous thing to have in the game.

After Mumbo’s Mountain, we get Treasure Trove Cove, a beach level filled with crabs. Mambo’s Mountain also introduces you to a pound attack (using Kazooie’s beak), which is used here for enemies and tasks. Flying is also introduced, as Kazooie can use red feathers to fly around the map. Treasure Trove Cove is quite open, with a jiggy that encourages flying around it. There’s also a very scary shark in the water. It’s a really wonderful level.

Next up is the weakest part of Banjo-Kazooie: Clanker’s Cavern. It’s a murky underwater level, and looks fairly dull. I do like Clanker – a big whale that has been turned into a horrifying trash disposal monster, but is actually a nice but depressed individual, but there’s a lot of swimming in this level, including a very deep dive that terrified me as a kid. That said, I grow more and more fond of the level each time I play the game.

Bubblegloop Swamp swiftly returns to form, especially because of adorable crocodile Banjo. This level is split up into segments, and then croc Banjo can traverse new areas, including a fairly difficult minigame with Mr Vile, sneaky crocodile (although a move from a later level can make this easier if you wish).

Then the wonderful wintery world of Freezeezy Peak, a level revolving around a giant snowman. One slight niggle for me with this is that you can’t finish the level initially, so I’d recommend a quick trip into the next level to grab the speed trainers, but it’s only a minor hassle. In Freezeezy Peak you get to climb the giant snowman’s scarf, have aerial fights with aggressive smaller snowmen, turn into a Walrus and take part in races – WAHEEEY!

From the snow straight to the sand of Gobi’s Valley. This is one of the more challenging levels, with pyramids, temples and sphinxes holding challenges you need to complete. One of these requires a perfect run with the speed boots, and still takes me multiple attempts each playthrough. That said, there is still a load of fun and charm.

Up next is for some halloween fun in Mad Monster Mansion, a haunted house and grounds. Initially, I found this level to be incredibly daunting, but traversal isn’t as difficult as initially seems, and getting around the level is quite fun. There’s lots of rooms to explore and even a toilet to explore. Brilliantly, the toilet itself is also a character called Loggo. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is that Banjo-Kazooie loves puns. Some people may pretend to groan at puns, but everyone loves them.

Rusty Bucket Bay is the penultimate level, with some very tough challenges. The water in this level drains your air much faster than previous levels, so even though there’s a lot of water, you only spend small stints in it. There’s lots of hidden rooms to find, with some fun and cute details hidden in them. The transformation in this level is also super adorable.

And last is the seasonal Click Clock Wood. This is split into four “sections” that you open up over time, each is the whole world in a different season, and some jiggies require doing parts in each season, although if you fully explore each season before moving on, you don’t have to go back and forth. It’s lovely to see all the changes throughout the seasons.

Connecting these together is Grunty’s tower. Grunty is an evil witch who wants to make herself beautiful (by stealing the beauty from Banjo’s sister, Tooty, who became a staple of all future Banjo games…either that or she was relegated to a missing person’s poster and forgotten about). You explore the tower, finding jigsaws to fill in with the jiggy pieces you collect to open the main worlds. There are also 10 jiggies hidden here, which require you to hit a switch in each level to reveal (except for one, which is given to you at the start of the game).

And once you get past all the levels and go to defeat Gunty, it doesn’t go straight into a boss battle (that comes later), instead you have to complete Grunty’s Furnace Fun, a trivia board game where you have to answer questions about the game (or complete some mini games from previous levels). These questions could be about Grunty herself, pictures of places in levels to identify, trivia about characters or identifying sound and music.

Music. That’s a very important part of what makes Banjo-Kazooie work. Composer Grant Kirkhope did an absolutely phenomenal job of creating some tunes that you will be humming for the rest of your lives. They also work with the levels extremely well, adding to the magical experience. The music will also vary slightly based on different locations of each level or going underwater, all with perfectly smooth transitions between them. The music to Banjo-Kazooie is simply heaven for your ears, and will put a smile on your face for the entirety of your playthrough. Even other people in your house will start humming the tunes.

Replaying Banjo-Kazooie takes between 6 and 10 hours, although this will be a lot longer the first time. It’s a great length for annual revisits and is an extremely well-contained piece of media. You can follow it by its sequel, Banjo-Tooie (as I do every few years), but it works extremely well on its own. The entirety of the game is just full of joy, accompanied by very happy tunes and a sense that everyone working on the game was enjoying themselves.

There are two versions of this game, the original on N64 and a remaster version on Xbox. I highly recommend the Xbox version, as the better controller design helps a lot, and the widescreen HD image is much nicer to see. The main other difference between the two is that the Xbox version is easier, as it saves what notes you have collected. In the original, you need to collect all 100 in one go, which I believe was mainly due to memory limits on the N64 and not the original intention.

Banjo-Kazooie is my perfect game.

And stop playing you won’t. You can always tell when you’ve got a great game on your hands: when it starts to warp time. 16 straight hours of Banjo, leaving only for calls of nature – we had food and drink brought in.

- James Ashton, N64 Magazine #18

Remake or remaster?

The Xbox remaster is pretty great, although releasing on more platforms and a few fixes and refinements would be great.

Official ways to get the game.

Banjo-Kazooie is available on Xbox One/Series and is included in Rare Replay. You can also rent it on Switch via Nintendo Switch Online

Re-releases

2008: Xbox Live Arcade

2015: Rare Replay

2023: Nintendo Switch Online (Subscription Only)

[ratingtheframe]

Enola Holmes, The Devil All the Time and i’m thinking of ending things: Everything I watched in September.

Thank God we are almost at the end of the year. With October just around the corner and 2021 in full view, it seems like the film industry is slowly piecing themselves back together after months of being on a complete hiatus. Cinemas are slowly starting to return back to normal and streaming services are now full to capacity with content.

Netflix in particular has some exciting things to come and the successful release of Harry Bradbeer’s Enola Holmes and Antonio Campos’ The Devil All the Time, has proven that their ability to produce outstanding content hasn’t been stunted at all by COVID-19. Here are the 31 titles I watched this month and for you to add to your watch list. 

Searching (2018) as seen on Netflix

Searching recently came onto Netflix, however the film was actually first released in 2018, screening at Sundance Film Festival. It had a very impressive response and grossed $75 million worldwide and with a budget of only $880,000 it was certainly a success. I rate this film highly, due to the simplicity and execution of it, with a lot of twists and turns in appropriate places. Structurally, the film is flawless and it’s clear a lot of thought had gone into the payoff of the entirety of the film. Certainly an indie filmmaker's dream and a film to watch to learn about the “less is more” rule of screenwriting.

Score: 10/10

Zodiac (2007) as seen on Netflix

I’ve been avoiding Zodiac on Netflix for a loooong time, and after watching it I wonder why I didn’t check it out sooner. David Fincher’s (Fight Club, Panic Room, the Social Network) thriller based on the case files of the “Zodiac Killer” stars the likes of Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Junior and Jake Gyllenhaal, all of which had amazing on screen chemistry. The dialogue and structure is Aaron Sorkin-esque as you figuratively become one the detectives, unravelling the case as the two and a half hour film delves deeper and deeper. You honestly feel as if you become one of the team whilst watching Zodiac and just for that, it goes down as a praise worthy film with a perfect structure and surprising twist to the end. Zodiac is the thriller of thrillers.

Score: 11/10

I See You (2019) as seen on Netflix

Now a film like I see you has me questioning

Netflix’s

choices a little. The film scores handsomely on

Rotten Tomatoes

, with a metric score of

78%,

which is quite high for a largely gimmicky film. I can’t quite fault the overall concept, however the story itself fell flat by the end. Things just seemed to mount too much to the point that it became overtly inauthentic and questionable. Instead of paying attention to the movie, I found myself picking up all the irregularities such as why a police man would suffocate someone, drive them to their own home and then shoot them in the head. Surely a policeman would just leave her in the woods? On a brighter note,

Judah Lewis’ (Babysitter: Killer Queen)

was quite praiseworthy in his performance, but it wasn’t enough to drag the film out of a hole of confusion.

Score: 2/10

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) as seen on Netflix

If there is one film that you NEED to watch from this list, it would be Terry Gilliam’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The crackhead energy in this film is OFF THE CHARTS as Johnny Depp and Benecio Del Toro play two drug addicts exploring Las Vegas. The production design in this is marvellous and really captures the psychedelic world the two men enter every time they’re high. I particularly enjoyed Depp’s narration throughout this; his voice is the most sensual yet hilarious thing to listen to for 2 hours straight. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is HILARIOUS and such a well rounded, off the wall film to watch.

Score: 12/10

I’m thinking of ending things (2020) as seen on Netflix 

Even though I watched i’m thinking of ending things nearly a month ago, I’m still recovering from it. Charlie Kaufman (Adaptation, Being John Malkovich) directs this satisfying yet highly confusing tale based on the Iain Reid book with the same title. Despite it’s perplexing plot, I certainly can’t fault the film’s performances or set design. Jesse Plemons, Jess Buckley, Toni Colette and David Thwelis made a surprisingly good ensemble and the makeup in this film is probably the best I have ever seen. HOWEVER and this is a big however, the waywardness of the story can’t override the success of artistry behind the film. I feel like there’s becoming a trend where films are visually perfect but make zero sense. By sense I mean a clear, concise story, that has character journeys and some sort of resolution at the end, no matter how big or small. I’m thinking of ending things that had just about NONE of these elements, and that doesn’t make it a bad film at all. It’s certainly not a film I’ve seen before and perhaps it raises the questions whether films need to make complete sense in order for them to be good. We can take a look at experimental cinema to delve deeper into that theory, for within this type of cinema, films can still be appreciated even when they are confusing. Perhaps the meaning of i’m thinking of ending things, is more powerful and higher than the average movie goer can understand, but still appreciate.

score: 9/10

Hacksaw Ridge (2016) as seen on Amazon Prime

Again, another film I’ve been avoiding for a loooong time and regret not watching sooner. The film stars Andrew Garfield as a devoted Christian who goes to war to serve his country, but refuses to carry a weapon yet lives to tell the tale. Preacher Desmond T. Doss saved the lives of between 50-100 men on Hacksaw Ridge during the Second World War. He was heavily commended for his service and the film itself earnt 6 Academy Award nominations. It’s a story that was born to be on screen and it’s hard to believe it was all true. Andrew Garfield’s performance was exemplary and he is definitely underrated as a truthful actor.

Score: 10/10

Fear (1996) as seen on Netflix 

I am sucker for a thriller, good OR bad and this one from 1996 was surprisingly decent. Starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon in their early days, Fear follows a pair of young lovers whose strong relationship turns into a possessive one, when Witherspoon’s character, Nicole learns the true intentions of her boyfriend. It's a 90s teen flick that isn’t talked about enough and certainly an easy one to get sucked into as a guilty pleasure.

Score: 10/10

Make Up (2019) as seen at the BFI Southbank 

Make Up first screened at the London Film Festival last year and was later released this year. I wanted to catch it at the festival and was glad it made it into cinemas. The eeriness of the british film directed by Claire Oakley, was a slow burnt, intriguing watch, however as artistically visual it was, a satisfying resolution to the film was missed. The payoff of the story was easy to define despite it’s ambiguity, however it wasn’t as hard hitting as it should’ve been, which is common in most indie features. The better ones expose ideas and truths in a punchy way, such as La Haine or Whiplash. The film’s genre was also undefinebale and although the story was interesting, I wouldn't be inclined to come back for more of it. 

Score: 7/10

Zoolander (2001) as seen on Netflix

I’m not a huge comedy fan, however it’s about time I watched Zoolander, for it’s probably one of the most iconic films of the early 2000s. The film follows a model targeted by a fashion brand who wants him to kill the prime minister of Malaysia. Anyone who was anyone in the 00s is in this film, from Naomi Campbell to Lil’ Kim, Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Lenny Kravitz, Natalie Porter and even David Bowie. How they managed to get these famous faces as well as the actual cast (Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell) onto this film is certainly a mastery at casting. As far as comedies go, Zoolander is iconic and a must watch for those who are thoroughly in love with these types of outlandish films. 

Score: 8/10

American Pie (2001) as seen on Netflix 

This is the my first time seeing American Pie and for someone who hates comedies, it thoroughly made me laugh. I definitely had to look past at the amount of misogyny and questionable scenes in this film and just sit back and enjoy it all. I felt that all four leads (Jason Briggs, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Chris Klein and Eddie Kaye Thomas) were well casted as an ensemble and were really down to earth in their performances. They were authentic in being high school boys still figuring themselves out and in the end I found each one to be highly likeable. As a comedy, this is definitely a go to and an iconic film from the early 2000s. 

Score: 9/10

Clemency (2019) as seen on Amazon Prime 

A Sundance Film Festival graduate, Clemency was a deeply moving and well shot film that exposed the shocking reality of prison inmates on death row in the US. The word clemency is essentially a term used to define an act of mercy by the justice system, who at the last minute of a prison’s life can grant “clemency” if they feel worthy of doing so, stopping them from being executed. Factors such as new evidence or a parole grant can influence this decision and this film shows the abrasiveness of such an idea. Imagine being a prisoner moments away from death and because of Clemency, you sit there thinking your life can still be saved. But as this film depicts, this isn’t always the case and the masterful acting of Alfre Woodard puts this grief into context beautifully. Her performance ignited this film and it was easy to see this story got to her on a deeper level, that went beyond serving a character. A seriously good film that is professional, dynamic and heart wrenching.

Score: 10/10

Gladiator (2000) as seen on Netflix

I never saw myself as someone who would like Gladiator, however Ridley Scott’s Oscar winning film thoroughly surprised me in an unexpected way. Moving past the amazing visuals and outstanding production value of this film, the actual story itself was just so damn good. It had an excellent, Hollywood worthy structure that saw a hefty and clear journey of it’s lead, Maximus (Russell Crowe). I was VERY surprised to see Joaquin Phoenix play alongside Russell Crowe, who gave a great performance as a bratty roman emperor. Gladiator was nominated for 12 Academy Awards in 2001, which is unsurprising seeing as it's a pretty much flawless film, with the character’s fierce journey being the main contributor to this. 

Score: 11/10

American Pie 2 (2001) as seen on Netflix 

Now sequels are known to be the downfall of some films, especially as the first films were okay on their own. However, I definitely enjoyed American Pie 2 as much as I enjoyed the first. The performances of all characters seemed to get better with time and it still remained outlandish and hilarious to watch. 

Score: 9/10

3096 days (2013) as seen on Netflix

When you laugh more at a film than you should have, there’s something clearly wrong. This Netflix film based on the true story of the kidnapped Natascha Kampusch was directed by German-American director Sherry Hormann. This is gonna sound whack, but one of the most annoying things about this film was the lighting. It felt as if it was never truly dark in this film and because of that, it distracted from the fear of the situation young Natascha was in. Lighting plays an important role in thrillers and horror films, as the idea of these films is to keep people constantly on edge and the dark is something that does that perfectly. I felt safe when watching this film and although it’s meant to be a biopic, I don’t think it captured Natascha’s situation as best as it could have. Another thing that really let the film down was the dubbing from German to English. This is a pet peeve I have with films, but is understandable seeing as the majority of people are too lazy to follow foreign language subtitles and miss out on some of the best films ever made. Because of this, it forces foreign language films to cater towards an English speaking market so the film becomes more viable. I would’ve respected this film a lot more if it was completely in German and had English subtitles.

Score: 5/10

Cruel Intentions (1999) as seen on Netflix

About a year ago, I saw the Glenn Close and John Malkovich film version of the french novel Dangerous Liaisons and I fell asleep. Maybe it was the film I had seen before it that had made me nod off or the fact I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on. However, Cruel Intentions follows the same story with younger leads; Sarah Michelle Geller, Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon and is set in the modern day. As you can probably tell by now, I am a sucker for a 90s teen movie and Cruel Intentions was all that and more, for the performances and story structure in this film were top notch. Ryan Phillipe is a much underrated actor and heartthrob, playing a jealous and callous Sebastian, the step brother of Sarah Michelle Geller’s character, Kathryn. Both of them were spiteful, abrasive and mean and I LOVED IT. Their non-fuckery was enviable as they cheat and turn the lives of others upside down. Reese Witherspoon was an angel in this film, and I thoroughly appreciated the strength of her character throughout. Cruel Intentions sits highly as a film from the 90s and boasts a hoard of young talent from that era.

Score: 10/10

Wildlife (2018) as seen on Netflix

If you are in love with Paul Dano as much as I am, you’re gonna want to marry him after you find out that he’s also a director. His first feature Wildlife, stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Carey Mulligan as a couple battling the demons in their relationship whilst caring for their young son. I really really REALLY can’t wait to see what Paul Dano directs in the future based off this film. It’s everything I love about a good indie film; well shot, a perfect cast and a touching story. It truly is a beautiful film and one I would recommend to my indie lovers out there.

Score: 10/10

The Perks of Being A Wallflower (2012) as seen on Netflix

My excuse for not having seen The Perks of Being A Wallflower is that I thought it would be yet another predictable high school blunder, with flat dialogue and basic character arcs. And I was half right in that. The first half of the film (mostly exposition) was filled with cringey dialogue and basic high school motifs that set up the film. Some moments were overtly far fetched and it took me a while to fall in love with the main character instead of feeling desperately sorry for him ALL THE TIME. Ezra Miller, Emma Watson and Logan Lerman all together as an ensemble was whack casting that just about worked. However, once we made it through the blizzard of exposition and got to the heart of the story, it truly was a touching and tear jerking movie to watch and for that, it scores highly. “We accept the love we think we deserve” was the ringing message of the film and certainly something I carry around with me daily as I reflect on the unfulling crushes I’ve had in the past.

Score: 9/10

The Devil All the Time (2020) as seen on Netflix

Probably my most favourite film on this list, The Devil All the Time is pure ART. I have a full review uploaded onto my tumblr account so please do check it out to see an in depth review of the Netflix film. All I will say is that it is a must watch film with an unreal cast and story.

https://ratingtheframe.tumblr.com/post/629443058079055872/the-south-of-america-meets-gritty-gothic-horror

Score: 11/10

Way of the Gun (2000) as seen on Amazon Prime 

Ryan Phillipe and Benicio del Toro star side by side in this action packed crime thriller about two guys who kidnap the wrong woman. Simple in it’s log line with the potentiality to be limitless in its telling; ie the basis of every good film. Juliette Lewis (the it girl of the 90s) also stars in the film and really compliments the performances of both leads. Any film that Juliette Lewis is in, is a good film and she is an actor with a very impressive portfolio of work under her belt.

Score: 9/10

Judy and Punch (2019) as seen on Netflix

I’ve been waiting since the end of last year to see Judy and Punch and was thrilled to see it had been put onto Netflix. However, after watching it, that thrill deteriorated and what was left was a disheartened feeling towards this film. It’s a shame to say this, seeing as the story of Judy and Punch is so satiable and fulfilled in its possibilities of telling it. However, probably the biggest problem within this film was its pace; it was too quick of a film. The beginning was organic and smooth, but as it went on it started to become continuously rushed. There were characters I didn’t have time to get to know and actually didn’t even end up knowing their names. There’s a point in the film when Judy is welcomed into an isolated society outside of her home, most of which in that society were women. I would’ve liked to get to know them better and see how they influence Judy’s character and revenge on her husband. The film felt very rushed, which is a shame because everything else; acting, production and story were well aligned.

Score: 6/10

22nd July (2018) as seen on Netflix

I remember the 22nd July 2011 as clear as day but for all the wrong reasons. On this day, 77 people in Norway were killed by a terror attack caused by a right wing, anti-immigrant supporter, Andres Brevik, who was a member of a radical organisation and spent nine years preparing his attack on Oslo and Utøya Island. The most shocking part of this massacre was what happened on Utøya Island, which was the main body of Netflix’s film 22nd July. Viljar Hanssen was a teenager attending a political youth camp on Utøya Island in the summer of 2011. Whilst on the island with his younger brother, a bomb went off in the centre of Oslo, outside a government building, killing 8 people. By the time news of the attack got to Utøya Island, its perpetrator had also arrived, and begun gunning down the kids on the island. 69 people were killed, most of which were under 18. Viljar Hanssen was shot five times, in the head, arm, legs and hand. The attack lost him an eye, several fingers and bullet fragments still remain in his brain. He also lost close friends and the ability to perform in many activities he used to do growing up. His ordeal and that of many on the island, is captured in 22nd July, that from beginning to end, approaches this story with sensitivity and facts. Out of the many events I have heard of that include a massacre of some kind, this attack always sticks out in my mind. The perpetrator was truly merciless in his rage against immigrants coming into Norway and he made sure to express that hatred in such a shocking and profound way. The entire story is one that is so hard to believe and is important in preventing future attacks of this kind.

Score: 11/10

Les Misérables (2019) as seen at Curzon Bloomsbury

Les Misérables was nominated for Best Foreign Language film this year at the Oscars and despite it being thrilling and highly well made, I felt quite disappointed by it. The film was accurate in exposing the many communities now prevalent in France today and it was definitely one of those gritty, Cannes worthy films to sink your teeth into. It's not a bad film at all, it's just one I found hard to relate to and therefore I switched off whilst watching it. In fact, I think Portrait of a Lady on Fire was a better contender as Best Foreign Language film at the Oscars and I was left fuming when I found out it hadn’t been nominated in that category. Les Misérables is a film I’d recommend but found it hard to love it overall.

Score: 9/10

A Cure for Wellness (2016) as seen on Netflix

The logline for Shutter Island (2010) is as follows: Teddy Daniels and Chuck Aule, two US marshals, are sent to an asylum on a remote island in order to investigate the disappearance of a patient, where Teddy uncovers a shocking truth about the place. 

And the logline for A Cure for Wellness is as follows: Lockhart, an executive, is sent to a wellness spa in the Swiss Alps to retrieve his company's CEO. At the centre, he encounters strange activities that make him investigate the illness of the people.

Notice anything? They are literally the same film and it's not just the loglines that share an alikeness. On watching A Cure for Wellness, I noticed how similar it was to Shutter Island, from the location, to the colour grading, costumes and even lighting. Both films are almost identical and I pretty much hate both films anyway. I’ll admit, A Cure for Wellness has a better story and tells it better as well, but if it's just a rip off from Shutter Island, is it all that good? I appreciated the production value of this film yet it was hard to tear it away from Shutter Island’s own production. Overall, I found it quiet gimmicky and too close to Shutter Island for it to have much originality.

Score: 6/10

U want me 2 kill him? (2013) as seen on Netflix 

The only thing that let this film down was the acting. There’s something about solely British productions that rub me the wrong way. Admittedly, their structure is always good and the story is well put together, however the artistic side of these films lacks in parts, from acting to set design. U want me 2 kill him? Is based on a true story which really alleviated the film. I thoroughly enjoyed delving into this story and it was an interesting, engaging plot. However, its production value and acting is what let it down.

Score: 7/10

After (2019) as seen on Netflix

So in short, this wasn’t a good film. The twist was satisfying, however the rest of it was just plain annoying. Any film that uses reality tv type music in its montages pisses me off. It's just such a cringey way of showing emotion on screen and I’d much rather they use music with no lyrics or music that actually conveys the emotion of the scene. The relationship between the leads, Hardin and Tessa (Hero Fiennes-Tiffin and Josephine Langford) was very predictable and the conflict between the two only made up like 5% of the film; 2.5% at the beginning and a further 2.5% at the end. For the rest of the 95% of the film, they were pretty much happy throughout, meaning the story had nowhere to go, besides the fact that Tessa’s mom disapproves of Hardin. But besides that and a shocking revelation..that was about it. No one died, no one was really hurt. Hardin was made out to be more troubled than he actually was (his dad is chancellor of a college for fuck’s sake) and I found myself laughing when I shouldn’t be. As for After We Collided, I can’t wait to tear it apart this month.

Score: 4/10

Miss Juneteenth (2020) as seen at BFI Southbank

Miss Juneteenth is the underdog movie of the month for me. You can read a full, in depth review of it right here:

https://ratingtheframe.tumblr.com/post/630357041253400576/she-my-dream-now-miss-juneteenth-review

Score: 11/10

Monsoon (2020) as seen at BFI Southbank 

Why this film was praised by critics is unknown to me. The number one thing that this film did wrong was not showing ANY conflict on screen whatsoever, the characters merily TALKED about conflict. Conflict and actions based on those conflicts is what moves a story forward, and this film was certainly static. The story follows a man (Henry Golding) and his return to Vietnam as he learns about the war and the life he left behind. But the film shows no war, no deprivation or heartache that many vietnamese people had to go through. It's just filled with empty shots of Vietnam and Henry Golding looking out at the city. Why not just make a documentary about The Vietnam War with Henry Golding presenting it, as that is what this film was virtually. You can’t get away with nice looking shots to produce a praise worthy feature. Maybe I’m getting the wrong jist of the film, but in terms of its telling, I didn’t feel anything at all whilst watching it and if I didn’t feel anything, I wasn’t thinking about anything because it was so mundane.

Score: 5/10

The Riot Club (2014) as seen on Amazon Prime 

I’ve had a strong soft spot for Sam Claflin since he played Finnick in The Hunger Games. My crush on him was further confirmed with The Riot Club a British Production based on Laura Wade’s theatre play Posh that shows the ongoings of Oxford’s Riot Club. The group of ten men are all self entitled posh twats who think their education and parent’s money allows them to act in a horrendous way, with their initiation ceremonies and club rules. Sam Claflin plays Ryan, a 1st year student at Oxford and one of the Riot Club’s newest members. Max Irons plays Miles, another new member of the club, who becomes the focal point of Ryan’s jealousy, causing him to do some unspeakable things in one night out of envy for Miles. The ten men in the film work brilliantly as an ensemble, which is unquestionable seeing as five of them went to Guildhall School of Music and Drama, three went to LAMDA, one studied drama at University and the last went to Bristol Old Vic. All the leads in this film are well trained and it's clear to see that in their performances. A really enjoyable, yet eye opening film that exposes the privilege of some living right in the UK, including Boris Johnson and David Cameron, who were former members of this heinous club.

Score: 10/10

Enola Holmes (2020) as seen on Netflix 

Hmmm...there is a great deal of hype going around for this film and with a 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, Enola Holmes is well liked. This is understandable, seeing as Fleabag’s director Harry Bradbeer directed this film for Netflix and the cast includes the likes of Millie Bobbie Brown, Henry Cavill and Sam Claflin. I have never seen Millie Bobbie Brown in anything and yet I don’t think she’s doing anything special for me at this moment in time. As a viewer, I am 100% not into actors talking to the camera, a communication technique that I think should stay in theatre. I get this is a big part of Fleabag however I think Enola Holmes could have done without it. Another movie pet peeve is when the opening of a film explains what the film is about directly, something Enola Holmes did in an artistic, yet blatant way. Audiences aren’t dumb and will catch on with given clues, there’s no need to go through a character’s entire history in the opening of a film. For kids aged between 8 and 12, this film is great and Enola Holmes makes a great hero for many young girls. I don’t fall in this age bracket and therefore I enjoyed it a whole lot less.

Score: 6/10

American Murder: Family Next Door (2020) as seen on Netflix

Netflix is known for producing some of the finest, most eye opening documentaries out there. Despite this one being quite simple using found footage, its impact is certainly something that grew organically throughout the documentary. You can read my full review of American Murder: Family Next Door here:

https://ratingtheframe.tumblr.com/post/630780350645354496/netflix-documentary-delves-into-the-murder-of-a

Score: 10/10

Peppermint (2018) as seen on Netflix

I was thoroughly shocked to discover this film was made 2 years ago. You’d think we’re past a time of creating bad films that actually get released, but I guess we’re not. Peppermint was released in the same year as The Favourite, Blackkklansman and A Star is Born, three courageous films, all of which were showered with awards. Peppermint had two major problems; 1) it was boring and 2) the lead wasn’t orchestrated properly. The mexican drug cartel who murder the protagonist’s (Jennifer Garner) husband and child was almost insulting. Because it felt so inauthentic and gimmicky, I didn’t really understand why the drug cartel in the film was even mexican. Peppermint proves that a good story can turn bad in the wrong hands. The script was quite terrible and surrounding that was the nonsensical, half asked directing which saw Jennifer Garner get way too many injuries to still be alive in the end. The whole thing just had my eyes rolling, as nothing about it was original or provoking at all. In fact, the film didn’t even EXPLAIN how Garner’s character became a bloodthirsty vigilante. It merely showed us her training as a cage fighter. Das it. Nothing else in her character made her into this dominant and highly skilled fighter who takes down an ENTIRE DRUG CARTEL ONE HANDED. It, made, no, sense and sits a good example of how NOT to make a film. Also the only reason why it was called Peppermint was because of peppermint ice cream...yeah I don’t get it either.

Score: 2/10

And that is September, which marks an entire year since I’ve been critiquing movies and in that time, I’ve watched well over 350 films. There’s a lot more to come though, for the London Film Festival commences in October and titles such as Dune and the No Time to Die await a winter release. Stay tuned!

[artsybanchou]

I’m a big fan of 80s/90s anime and Ranma 1/2 played a big role in my childhood. The premise has sooooo much food for thought when it comes to looking at gender and specifically the performance of gender. I’m about to get INTO it, so, here’s your warning-- read more is a ramble. (LONG ramble)

Oh ho ho ho! WELCOME TO MY HELL!

Aight, so let me set the stage for you-->

Two people, who should not be parents, have a kid. The father, Genma, a fairly successful martial artist, takes their just-born son on a training journey without consulting the mother. By training journey, I mean that they travel all over the world with little to no money, either stealing from or scamming people in order to make sure they can eat, under the guise of training the son, Ranma, to become the greatest martial artist of the “Anything Goes” school of martial arts. One of the most frequent scams the father pulls is promising his son’s hand in marriage to various families in exchange for a dowry before running off with both his son and the dowry, never to be seen again. This-- inevitably-- comes back to bite them in the ass. But more on that later.

We don’t get to see a lot of Ranma’s childhood on the training journey, just the occasional incredibly horrific flashback to something that would become a national incident were it to happen in the real world. For example, at one point in time, his father finds a Chinese pamphlet of an ~ancient lost Chinese art~ that is INCREDIBLY POWERFUL!!!!! wow! It’s called Neko-ken. So he decides to teach his six-year-old this technique, although he can’t actually read Chinese so he does it based off the diagrams-- which detail a process of collecting a good number of cats, starving them for a few days straight, and then tossing his son, covered in fish sausages (possibly tied up, can’t remember), into the pit to fend for himself (and not be eaten alive) for hours on end. Surprise, surprise, Ranma comes out incredibly traumatized and with an intense fear of cats (something his father would’ve seen coming if he was able to read Chinese as the pamphlet says that someone would have to be crazy to try to teach someone this technique and that it causes severe psychological damage-- also could’ve been avoided if his father had any common sense or fatherly instincts, but hey that’s just asking too much of Genma). This is not the result his father wanted, so he tries to “fix” it by doing the exact same thing multiple times, just with different cat foods wrapped around his son because... I genuinely don’t know what his thought process was but yeah. So that’s just a tiny snapshot of what his childhood was like as well as how much of a massive idiot his father was. And since Ranma never interacted with his mother, guess who had the greatest influence in his development (yay........). (save him) (also this is based off my memory from watching the anime YEARS ago, so some small details might be wrong but the big, overarching “his dad is a terrible person” thing is still very much true even if some of these smaller details aren’t)

When Ranma is a teenager, his father brings him to a Chinese training ground full of cursed springs. The tour guide repeatedly tries to explain what exactly this place they’re visiting is, but the father and son pair are two hard-headed idiots and get right to sparring. Ranma knocks his father into a spring pretty quick only to be caught off guard when his father reemerges from said spring as a panda and grand slams our protagonist into another one of the cursed springs. Our manly man martial artist protagonist emerges from this spring as a dainty, busty teenage girl. /The horror./ The panic from both Ranma and his father’s deeply shaken fragile masculinities gives the tour guide enough time to reveal that they had fallen into the cursed springs of the drowned panda and the drowned girl (one guess who fell into which one) and that anyone who falls into a cursed spring will take on the form of the life form that drowned in it. They can return to their original bodies by being splashed with hot water but, from now on, every time they’re hit with cold (or even apparently lukewarm) water, they’ll change into these new cursed forms.

Now, I’m sure you all saw this coming from the type of man that Ranma’s father is based on everything I’ve said so far, but Genma is the worst(TM). So Genma is all, “no SON of MINE can be a GIRL! >:((((((” and Ranma, who has been raised for his entire conscious life by this man, and only this man, is also very much not Okay(TM) with this because he’s a man, a manly fighting man who was raised to be the manliest of fighting men who fight. He can’t be a GIRL. 

Except he totally can. Because these two start taking advantage of Ranma’s feminine body pretty much immediately in order to continue running scams so that they can eat and whatnot while traveling. Of course, Genma constantly shames Ranma by saying things like, “I can’t believe my son is such a failure of a martial artist, being a girl! I’m so ashamed!” and whatnot at every opportunity but especially when they are in an argument and Ranma is winning or if he needs Ranma to do something for him. He frequently manipulates his son by using this kind of guilt-tripping language as though it’s Ranma’s fault that his body is like this. Nevermind that they both frequently profit off of Ranma’s female body for scams, Genma still puts Ranma down for having it and Ranma internalizes that because he’s 15 and his father is the only person he’s ever known.

And I’m sure we all hate Genma now, as we should, because fuck Genma. What kind of woman would ever marry Genma? (And we assume a woman is married to Genma because how could a man this bigoted do anything other than marry a woman all traditional and whatnot). If only Ranma wasn’t taken from his mother so young. Maybe he would’ve turned out a better person~ Well, uh, bad news, lads :/  So, by the time we meet Ranma’s mom in the series, we’ve known most of these characters for a chunk of time. It’s already quite well established how terrible of a human being Genma is. Ranma may or may not have started the episode out admitting he doesn’t know much about his mom after being asked about her. A standard set-up. I don’t quite remember all the details of the episode, only the important things-- here’s the important thing: Genma’s wife, Nodoka, made Genma swear something to her before he took their toddler on a training journey all around the world. He had to raise Ranma to become “a Man among Men” (and we’ll talk about how she defines manliness) and, if he failed, then both he and Ranma must commit seppuku. 

Yeah, that's right. 

If her son isn’t enough of a man by her standards then he has to commit ritual suicide.

Her son who now transforms into a girl every time he is touched with at least a ladle’s worth water that isn’t steaming.

(hey have i mentioned save Ranma yet? save him seriously)

Her definition of manliness? All the shit the misandrists of tumblr swear is the inherent evils to all men. She thinks her son needs to be unapologetically forceful in /all/ he does. Especially in his romantic forays :///// (yeah this is going where you think it is)

When she does decide he isn’t manly enough (because Ranma was being sexually harassed by an old man who forcibly put him in a sailor outfit, no im not kidding, happosai, said old man, is a whole other element of the show that like holy shit) and tries to get him to commit seppuku, the solution the cast comes up with is to have Ranma “peek” at (his friend? girlfriend? fiance? frenemy? roommate? it’s weird-- technically they’re the two romantic leads but their chemistry is like -5 because she constantly physically hits him for things that really aren’t his fault and just ://) Akane while she is bathing and that will prove his manliness to his mother so that he doesn’t have to literally die. Will having Ranma be a fucking voyeur prove his manliness to his mother, you ask? Yep. This is Manly(TM) and so Ranma gets to live another day. Yay. Once again, molestation saves the day. (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) All of this is played off as a joke, for the record. No character is really acknowledged as being “a bad person” for any of this behavior-- not molester Happosai, not trying-to-kill-her-own-child Nodoka, etc. 

So these are the people who made Ranma. Who shaped this kid with the ability to spontaneously switch between male and female bodies (presuming he has water on hand). Also, obviously, Genma had more influence seeing as Ranma never saw his mother between the ages of two and (I think) 16(?), but. regardless, these are the people who shaped his understanding of gender. For all intents and purposes, our lad should be such a pressure cooker of toxic and fragile masculinity that he just about commits seppuku himself every time he ends up in his female body. 

But he doesn’t. In fact, Ranma is largely comfortable in his female body as long as his father isn’t trying to hold said body against him (wait did that come out wrong?). Ranma has no hesitations taking on his female form for something as little as a discount on ice cream. He makes the statement, “when it comes to eating out, being a girl is the only way to go”-- because he’s able to get an extra scoop for being “cute”

There’s a scene very early on in the series about exactly that which has always stuck with me. It opens with Ranma in his female body at a cafe with Akane and they both order fancy ice cream parfaits. Ranma is extremely excited and exclaims, “I’ve always wanted to try one of these!” 

Akane replies with, “don’t tell me you’ve never had ice cream before.”

And Ranma proceeds to explain that he’s never had ice cream like /this/ because it would be too embarrassing for a guy. When Akane asks if he isn’t embarrassed now, happily shoving huge spoonfuls of ice cream into his mouth, he responds with, “hey, I’m a girl now. It don’t count.” Akanes shoots back with a “REAL girls don’t eat like that” (because our lad is eating with such gusto-- he’s living, he’s thriving, he is demolishing that parfait and there is ice cream all over his face) 

He goes, “I’ll eat it however I want.” And then finishes the whole thing off and proclaims that he wants to order the chocolate one next.

Moments like that were the ones where I loved the show the most. We can see Ranma’s insecurities about his masculinity (thank you /soo/ much for that genma) in that he isn’t willing to perform an ‘unmanly’ action in public in his male body. He can’t be *seen* eating girly ice cream. But when he is admonished for not living up to feminine standards in his female body (eat more daintily), he just goes, ‘i’ll do what i want’. Young me really resonated with that, being born with a female assigned at birth body and growing up in Texas. 

It feels like there’s a trans narrative buried in the steaming hot mess that is this work by Takahashi Rumiko-- and it is abundantly clear that was never her intention so I wouldn’t exactly recommend trying to give her an award or anything. She said that she wanted to write a work with a male main character but was so worried about how many male readers she had, she made the decision to make (as she described) a half-male half-female main character (essentially so she could have her cake and eat it too if you will-- all the self aggrandizing fantasies of a male protagonist her male readers could imagine themselves as along with a copious amount of fan service-- the great majority of which was at Ranma’s unwilling expense in his female body which like ://////// (remember that old man I mentioned before??)--  with the female protagonist body). And, like, I’m not saying Takahashi Rumiko is a terrible person or anything-- I don’t know what her beliefs are, I only know her works which are quite old at this point. Takahashi Rumiko is a big deal in the mangaka world because she was one of the first big shonen mangakas who was openly a woman. Normally, men wrote shounen (which literally translates to boys) manga and women wrote shoujo (which literally translates to girls) manga-- the genres were literally divided along gender lines in terms of their intended audiences but also, to a certain extent, their creators. If a woman wanted to write/draw shounen, usually she had to use a pen name that sounded fairly masculine in order to not impact the perception of her work. Takahashi Rumiko was working in that environment so I would understand why she’d want to be careful but, at the same time, I still kind of hate a lot of the things that she normalizes in her works. Especially assault. Both physical and sexual assault she constantly used as a punchline. Not as much anymore. Her most recent work I’ve read was Rinne and the punchline with that one was that the male lead is super poor, literally penniless, and is constantly starving so hahahahha humor amirite? Pain being funny seems to be her through line now that assault is off the table. At least he isn’t constantly getting whole ass tables thrown at him by his love interest as though that’s supposed to be a cute relationship dynamic (Akaneeeeeeeee). I digress. Takahashi Rumiko’s works played a big fucking role in my childhood from Ranma to Inuyasha to Lum (which I encountered well into my teens and therefore didn’t jive with at all because I’d finally learned sexual assault =/= funny and this was one of her more dated works) and so on and just--  I don’t know if I can watch her older stuff the same way I used to. I’m scared to try, honestly. Because some of the ideas behind her works are so interesting-- like Ranma 1/2-- but then you have to sit through episode after episode of a teenage boy in a girl’s body being sexually assaulted by a remorseless old man only to try to fight back at which point he is physically assaulted but also he still has to grovel to and respect said old man because he’s his father’s master and therefore he has to learn martial arts from him but the old man is constantly wagering Ranma having to pose for him in incredibly skimpy outfits if Ranma wants to learn literally anything and alsso RANMA IS FUCKING FIFTEEN/SIXTEEN JESUS CHRIST IS THERE NO FUNCTIONING ADULT ANYWHERE IN THE VVICINITY SAVE HIM!

I NEED TO DIGRESS

It feels like there’s an unintentional trans narrative buried in this anime. It’s not a fun one (but most trans narratives aren’t either so). This is a boy who knows he’s a boy-- even when his body disagrees. He frequently asserts that “he’s a boy” even when in his female body because he is. He’s a boy. He’ll reference being a girl “in appearance” like with the ice cream parfait scene earlier, but when it comes to identity statements, he’s always a boy. This narrative is about him navigating gender presentation and societal assumptions in order to live however he wants. He’s constantly contending with his own forms of gender dysphoria, whether that be his own gripes about doing anything unmanly (eating ice cream) or the very real threat of his mother fucking killing him if he does anything unmanly (aaaaaaaaaaaa), and he navigates tons of threats by choosing how he presents himself.

There are characters that are in love with the male “version” of Ranma and want to kill the female “version” of Ranma (who, for the record, goes by the name Ranko) and vice versa. The Kuno siblings are a great example. Kodachi is in love with Ranma (and is not above literally fucking using date rape drugs on him to get to him) and wants to fucking kill Ranko whereas Tatewaki Kuno, her brother, is in love with Ranko (the lovely pigtailed girl, he calls her) and has literally sent assassins after Ranma. Ranma essentially has to choose between being sexually assaulted or physically assaulted every time he runs into either of them in terms of what body he is presenting. 

I feel like I should let you know, ye who have actually read this far, that Ranma is able to protect himself pretty well from the assault. Like, our boy ain’t dead. Later on he literally fucking kills a god because he’s really passionate about martial arts so he puts all of himself into it and god damnit does his effort show but, honestly, his ability to protect himself shouldn’t mean that it is okay to assault him. Assault is assault. And just because he can fight back doesn’t mean he always does. Akane, his main love interest, regularly sends him through roofs and across town with the force of her Up + B (aka magically appearing hammer), usually for things that aren’t his fault in any way. Akane actually came to the conclusion that Ranma was a pervert when she (fully dressed) walked in on him (naked because he was in the bath) even though the bathroom was obviously occupied. She constantly gets mad at him for things that are beyond his control and then takes her frustrations out on him by literally beating him up and he never fights back-- which is admirable of him but also made me never want to root for their relationship because that isn’t a red flag, my dude, that’s a red planet. the whole of mars is out here trying to warn everyone that this relationship is the most toxic thing since RoundUp.) 

Usually, when watching a show, you get really invested in the character’s aspirations. You want them to ‘get the girl’, ‘get the promotion’, ‘become the pokemon master’ and whatnot. All I ever wanted for Ranma was for him to fake his own death and run far, far away from everyone who ever knew him as “Ranma”. He’d have to fake his own death, obviously, because otherwise his father and Happosai would track him down because, for his father, Ranma is a walking meal ticket and, for Happosai, Ranma is a teenage girl he can sexually assault at any time. Those two would chase Ranma to the ends of the earth if they thought he was trying to get away from them so--

Ranma. Help him.

There’s so much more to dissect with this show. It’s kind of accidentally a great way to look at gender presentation, especially all the terrible negatives that come with constrained gender roles. I use He/Him pronouns when talking about Ranma because it is abundantly clear that he sees himself as a man and I respect that. Sometimes nonbinary-me is like, but think what a gender-fluid icon our boy would be-- literally switching perceived genders via fluids-- and I think that version of Ranma would be a lot happier than the canon one but, I think the canon Ranma is an important reflection of what a lot of people go through, cisgender, transgender, and beyond, when trying to parse what it means to present a gender and the roles you’re supposed to play. 

Maybe Ranma can go on a journey of self-discovery with his own gender after faking his death and escaping Nermina. 

I was all over the place writing this but this isn’t an essay and I’m not being graded so ha fuck you (excpet no not really fuck you because you either a) read this whole thing or b)scrolled down to the bottom to see if i’d get to the fucking point already-- which for the record, I don’t really-- and either way it means you were a little curious what I had to say so thanks I guess). None of this is exceptionally well-thought-out. I wouldn’t exactly stamp this with any kind of official gender discourse seal. It’s all just food for thought. 

[onepunchmiss]

OPM s2e12 Live Blog

“The Wiping of the Disciple’s Butt”

The season finale. I’m nauseous. Lets begin. 

As always, I’m watching from the perspective of someone who has read the manga and webcomic. 

Right where we left off. Again I love the music. I’m just like, really calm right now actually. hhhhhhhhhhhokay. OOF oh god all the crunching sound effects oh no, this is already so weird watching Garou get his ass handed to him since he’s pretty much curb stomped every other hero in battle thus far, or at the VERY LEAST avoided taking so many hits. This. is so uncomfortable to watch. WOAH ????? THESE SHOTS WERE ONLY THERE FOR A SPLIT SECOND BUT??? HOLY SHIT???

GAROU’S HAIR OH MY GOD 

Oh god oh god Bang is relentless this hurts please stop guys GUYS PLZ  HAS NO ONE REALISED THAT NOT ONE HERO HAS DIED CMON PLZ IT HURTS calm down stop trying to kill him plsplspls OH

THIS 

IS WHY

WE STAN GAROU

HE SAYS FUCK DEATH HOW ABOUT I JUST GET STRONGER INSTEAD QUE EPIC THEME MUSIC

oh god damnit him legit running on all fours right there just looks goofy tho F “preposterous style” Bang you aint lying asdfghjkl really though OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DRAWN SO BEAUTIFULLY THIS IS SO BLESSED 

WAIT 

NO OPENING THEME???????????????????? WHAT?????????????????????? WHY????????????????????????? ONE, I WANTED TO SEE THE CHIBI OF THE WEEK AND 2 

I WASNT PREPARED FOR MY FAVORITE DOPEY BIRD MAN THE FUCK PHOENIXMAN PLS NO ILY I know people hate him a lot but I just really dig how he feels like a fleshed out character compared to most other monsters, like he’s legit lookit him being all smart and stuff plz I just,,,,,,,,,,,, want to hug dumb fluffy birb ;-;

Woah again I’m being blown away by the animation??? Garou getting smacked around is really fluid and this just looks really cool in general?????

FUCK I CANT DO FLASHBACKS MAN JUST HEARING THE KID VOICE MAKED MY STOMACH LURCH OH NO 

OH NO I SCREAM OH NO I CANT OH NO GIMME 5 MINUTES PLEASE I CANNOT BBY NO I FORGOT ADULT GAROU IS IN THE FLASHBACK WATCHING THIS TIME PLS NO 

LIKE???????? I got kinda a comedic vibe watching him comment on it in the manga but the slow music and shit is just FUKKIN ME UP RIGHT NOW I HATE IT THANKS IT HURTS

oh god his face he has the seething thousand mile stare of quiet rage and its burning a hole STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ENTIRE BEING “But me I was the loner kid. Always gloomy and without friends” STOP. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT. IM CRYING AT U RIGHT NOW STOP

NO DONT HOLD HIM LET HIM GO S T O P OR SO HELP ME i can’t watch this what the fuck “I was always the loser” SHIT this legitimately hurts me “I dont want to be the monster anymore” GArou hey did you hear that part?? hEY GAROU DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF THERE??? 

WHAT DID I SAY WHAT THE F DID I JUST SAY STOP HOLDING HIM STOP STOPPIT  THE HELL MAN What if……….. I just go BACK IN TIME AND ADOPT BB GAROU CAN I DO THAT IS THIS POSSIBLE IS THIS ALLOWED ? ?? ?

oh my god it keeps getting worse. I mean. I already knew garou was being disproportionately reprimanded for what he supposedly did, but watching this scene just fucking kicked me in the teeth. As if my stomach wasn’t already in knots. The fuck . why does this hurt so much more watching than reading the frustration in seeping into me ffffff.

This looks really cool but, i can barely focus on that because im pretty much being exsanguinated on the floor over here by this whole sequence look at him crying. do it for me cause I sure as hell can’t 

“I want to strike a blow for the little guy”

Fukkin GETTEM GO GETTEM 

HOLY SHIT HIS VA IS GOING T F OFF 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT HIM ILY SO MUCH SAVE THE DAY BIRB SAVE 

ASDFGHJKL THIS IS SO INTENSE EVERYONE IS SO INTENSE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT HOLY SHIT FUCK IM SCREAMING GAROU IS SCREAMING BANG AND BOMB SCREAMING GENOS AND EVEN PHOENIXMAN EVEN THE MUSIC IS SCREAM WE ALL JUST SC R E M

OH MY GOD AND THE LITTLE HEAD NOT GENOS AND BANG GIVE EACHOTHER SAVING THE HEROES OH MY GOD OH FUCK AND THE WAY THEY ANIMATE BANG JUMPING AROUND IS DOPE AS HELL AND ALSO HOLY SHIT ELDER CENTIPEDE I MISSED THE UNSETTLING SMOOTH CG LIKE ANIMATION FOR THE CENTIPEDES EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS JUST SCREAMING RN I AM OVERLOAD HELP 

Garou flailing in the air in Phoenixman’s grip is … really adorable oh my god. “It’s your fault for not finishing them” ooooooo that shut him up didn’t it oof. Also nice cameo by Tatsumaki there 

ASDFGHJKL THE MUSIC AGAIN I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM LOOK AT THEM OH MY GOD 

THIS IS SO BAD ASS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS SO BADASS

Genos’s eye static, The brother’s fists swirling, THE FUKKIN CARAPACE SHATTERING 

THIS FIGHT IS SO WILD MY COMPUTER CANT EVEN TAKE IT. ITS GLITCHING AND FREEZING UP HOLY SHIT

oh god ok the face coming out of the face was pure nightmare fuel alright then

WAIT

I FORGOT GENOS IS A SELF SACRIFICING DUMBASS. NO IM NOT READY GENOS YOU DOOF LISTEN TO KUSENO LISTEN TO HIM 

oh no 

oh no

im crying oh no

this animation is beautiful first of all and the music like im just here this is where I’m at and I’m crying oh no 

He’s an angel. A literal angel. Look at that and tell me he doesn’t look like a fucking angel in the sky with the rays of light casting shadows around him. 

Genos you are too good and pure for this world but that DOESNT MEAN TRY TO GET YOURSELF KILLED 

Shit they really made it look like he was gonna self destruct there for a second which MADE HIS LAST STAND EVEN MORE INTENSE OH MY GOD SWEETHEART Y’all ever get into a show because you keep seeing one character that catches your interest, and you keep seeing them pop up on your dash or wherever until you finally decide ‘well fuckit, this is the asshole that’s gonna get me to finally watch the show’, cause you’re already invested in them anyway? Genos did that for me with OPM. If this fool didn’t exist Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get to watching OPM, if ever. And shit like this is why I STILL love him. I usually move on to new faves 90% of the time but nope. Genos earned his spot and is keeping it. Look at this insane shit. My heart. Uhg

Enough gushing asdfghjkl ok but Genos, you just went INTO THE DAMNED THING’s STOMACH,,,,, and you’re SURPRISED that there’s STOMACH ACID?? But real talk. What the EVERLONG FUCK is that thing’s insides made out of? How did it NOT DIE. the FuCK

asdfghjkl Phoenixman’s chuckle???? I love 

Oh Bang no, this is wrenching my heart like I know that he doesn’t actually use his power but its built up so intensely like,,, would he be ok if he did??? and actually more concerningly since it even WAS brought up that he has some hidden true strength, will we EVER get to see that??? Oh Shit well when they word it as “All the power left to me in this life” then yeah, that seems pretty life or death ish???? THE FUCK 

Oh thank god comedic relief is here I feel like i’m about to have a heart attack my chest is so tight hhhhhh ok breathe WAIT THIS ISNT COMEDIC THIS IS BADASS AS HELL JEEZUS witht he flashbacks to the Saitama encounter and THIS LOOK

The Anime is really fucking with the audience huh??? Making it look like KIngs about to throw hands like???????????? OH SHIT AND THIS MUSIC IS DOPE AS HELL TOO IM JUST laughing I have so much excessive energy right now???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHZAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFGHJKLJHGFDSWERTGYHUIUJHGFDFGHJKJHGFRE THE FUKKIN SONG THEY BROUGHT IT BACK THE ULTIMATE SONG I GOT THREE NOTES IN JUST THREE NOTES AND I KNOW IM SCREAMING I GOTTA GO RUN BRB 

IM STILL SCREAMING FADFJSAGFJDSLKAHVFSKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OUR MAIN MAN THERE HE IS THERE HE IS IM GONNA THROW UP 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

OH MY FUCK THATS WHAT THE OPENING SEQUENCE EXPLOSION WAS FROM OH GOD OH FUCK BEAUTIFUL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL OH FUCK OH GOD 

The REPRISE oh no oh NO OH NO OH NO NO ITS NOT OVER im not ready its not I cant no no no i dont want to press play cause if I press play it will end soon no no no Oh my god and at the end there isnt gonna be a title card for the next episode because THERE IS NO NEXT EPISODE no non o nonononon on on on ono no no no 

NO 

HEY IVE BEEN RIPPED OFF. WHERES THE FACE WITH HIS HAIR BLOWN BACK??? ASDFJKL fine I cant even be mad everything else was tooo  ofdbghjfshkggfhsjgbfhjka

KING WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT REACTION ASDFGHJKL W H A T 

WAIT THEY ARE DOING THE OPENING THEME AT THE END NO I CANT HANDLE SEEING EVERYOONE NOW OF ALL TIMES GOD DAMNIT WHY ok yknow what. I knew it would be king. I dont know how but i did 

Wha

wh

fkin cliffhanger no please no 

I.. I’m kind of at a loss for words. I’m. That’s it, huh? It’s really over. It doesn’t FEEL over. There’s so much unfinished business. Well, the only way to really neatly wrap everything up as neatly as S1 did would have been to get ALL THE WAY through the Garou arc, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, but this is not a great spot to leave off if we’re going to endure another few years hiatus. My hope is that, with biweekley manga updates, we should wrap up the Monster Association/Garou stuff (assuming it doesn’t diverge from the web comic too much) some time next year, and I’m HOPING that s3 is already being planned accordingly along side manga publications. So MAYBE it will at least be announced around that time 2020. That’s my wishful thinking at least. I don’t think I can survive 3 years. anyway

You could really tell JC Staff poured their hearts and souls into these last 2 episodes. Absolutely gorgeous, paced well, so completely satisfying and making every second of s2 worth while. For me, at least. I’ve already seen people still complaining and I’m just sorry they didn’t have as much fun as I did. 

Seriously, thank each and every one of you guys. This has been a wild ride, I’ve barely had this blog a few weeks before season 2 started airing (and honestly just got into opm maybe a month before that?), so I owe a lot of the success on the blog to the anime I bet. This was the first series I’ve never tried live bogging, and I honestly can’t believe that they were as popular as they were? Especially since I never have any idea what I’m doing but yall listen to me ramble anyway?? Yall are crazy thank you so so so much. Now my tuesdays are gonna feel really empty… next week is gonna be weird as hell. Though I’m gonna get mad nostalgic good vibes rewatching this season in the future in no small part from sharing my experience with everyone who's stuck around. I can’t say see yall next week this time, but, see you next season whenever it may be for sure.

[taiblogcomics]

Perhaps Monsters Are The Real Humans

Hey there, chocolate lollipops. Happy Halloween! I don't quite have a spooky comic lined up. But we can still do something fun! Not quite as elaborate as all those books I reviewed last year. But a couple! Yes, some more children's literature I read as a kid, with a monster bend to it~

Let's see, how many of you remember Bailey School Kids? They were a series in the '90s about a group of four kids (Howie, Melody, Liza, and Eddie) who find that the adults in their life seem to ambiguously be monsters. Each one features a different monster or other legendary creature of some kind--most are your standard haunted house affair, but they do also encounter Santa Claus, Blackbeard, and Cupid, just to name a few. They weren't quite scary, and mostly seemed to exist to exibit a kind of monster and the kids' detective work in uncovering their identity and some way to drive them off. But the books were always ambiguous whether the character ever actually was a monster, and that's fun. That's why I like kids' books, honestly: they're creative and fun, and I don't feel threatened that some character I like might be killed off. And no sex scenes, also a bonus!

So, I have a couple of these books to offer you today. Went to a used bookstore recently, and picked up a couple that looked good for reviewing for a mere handful of dollars. We're only doing two books, mostly so this doesn't drag on for 20 years like the Fifth Grade Monsters review did. There's even more books in this series, and I'd like to actually spend time on other things this month. Plus I can always review more in the future if folks are into this one (and are willing to spot me a few bucks--or books~).

#13 Gremlins Don't Chew Bubble Gum Went with book 13 as a first choice, mostly because it was about as close as I could get to an imp character in this series, and a small mischievous woman who pranks everyone seemed right up my alley. Also, yes, every book title follows the same sort of title pattern: a monster or legend is mentioned, and then ascribed a trait or activity not typically associated with said creature.

Let's also review our principle cast real quick. Howie is the lighter-haired boy and ...I actually didn't get a good bead on his personality in these couple books. Melody's the black girl and tends to be the most intelligent of the lot. Liza is the scaredy-cat of the group, and Eddie... Well, there's a lot to say about Eddie. He's the group's troublemaker and has all the typical "rebellious youth" sort of traits. He also tends to be the most skeptical of the bunch, unless he's the one to encounter whatever book's creature first. All of them will trade around how much they believe their friends from book to book.

So we open with our cast in class, right as the power goes out. After many minutes, their teacher Mrs. Jeepers (who is ambiguously a vampire and the subject of the first book) asks Melody to take a note to the principal's office to find out what's going on. When she gets to the office, she finds the usual secretary is out on leave. In her place is a tiny little woman barely taller than the kids. Her name is Miss Kidwell, and she and the principal are inspecting the nearby fusebox. Miss Kidwell has wild hair in many tiny braids, and they seem to stand on end on occasion. She also wears a charm bracelet, which has a single light bulb charm hanging from it. Miss Kidwell tells Melody not to worry, and then the school's alarm bell starts ringing and won't turn off. This happens just as Miss Kidwell blows a gum bubble and pops it. As Miss Kidwell waves goodbye to Melody, Melody thinks she sees two charms on her bracelet.

Since the kids can't work in darkness and ever-deafening alarms, they get let out for recess early. As our four heroes play kickball, Melody slowly pieces together what exactly she thinks is going on: everything Miss Kidwell touches gets messed up somehow. She's not exactly sure how this happens, but Howie comes up with the idea that she might be a gremlin. The group of them head inside the school, trying to find a clock that works so they can find out if it's lunchtime. They run into Miss Kidwell, who is rather surprised that kids would want recess to end. When they tell her they're eager to present their science projects later, she blows a bubble gum bubble and pops it. The lights return, the bells cease, and the kids worry.

As the book progresses, they note that each thing that goes wrong adds a new charm to Miss Kidwell's bracelet. When Howie's radio project fails to turn on, they notice her radio charm. The lights, bells, and clocks also all had a charm. The kids decide that, after school, they'd better go looking for more information. Miss Kidwell actually rides home on the school bus, while the kids take a hike up to where Howie's dad works: a recurring NASA offshoot called FATS (the Federal Aeronautics Technology Station). Howie's dad actually relays them some rather accurate information about gremlins and their origins in World War I. As a kid, this was actually the first place I'd heard the gremlins legend. This kind of info is probably the best thing about these books~

The next day at school, Miss Kidwell bumps into Eddie before class and admires his own science project: a mechanical plane he built. As you might expect, the plane goes haywire when he shows it in class, nearly dive-bombing Mrs. Jeepers. Eddie protests that it can't be his fault, because it didn't even work last night. But if a gremlin can destroy things, perhaps she can repair them too. The book then jumps to the kids leaving school. They find a holdup as the school bus is broken down. When the principal gives it a jump, the horn refuses to stop honking, blaring out the notes of various nursery rhyme tunes. And of course, this is the very bus Miss Kidwell rode home on the day before.

The kids hit up the library to do research, but find something much worse than the Dewey Decimal System waiting for them there. Miss Kidwell is also at the library, and they change their mission from research to reconnaisance. They don't get much, but they do see the title of her book: a visitor's guide to FATS. Now they're becoming extra concerned. If her influence extends beyond the school, the whole town might be plunged into the Dark Ages. The kids have only one strategy. If gremlins bring bad luck to all that they touch, perhaps a little good luck will put Miss Kidwell out of commission.

At school the following day, they each take turns excusing themselves to the restroom to plant objects in Miss Kidwell's office: a lucky horseshoe, a refrigerator magnet of the number 7, a wishbone. Fortunately, Mrs. Jeepers stops allowing their breaks before Eddie can plant his lucky underwear. Alas, these objects don't seem strong enough. Liza thinks of one last, desperate idea. They head onto the field outside and just start gathering clover from the grass. Since they don't have time to look for a four-leaf clover specifically, they decide to just let the law of probability work for them and fill their backpacks with as much clover as they can grab, then abandon their bags outside the office.

This seems to work. Miss Kidwell suddenly starts looking fairly green herself, and excuses herself for the rest of the day. She doesn't turn up at FATS, and indeed, when the kids return to school after the weekend, the principal tells them that Miss Kidwell suddenly had to travel to England for a while. The kids are excited, until the principal then re-introduces the previous secretary, who has returned from her honeymoon: formerly Miss Moore, now Mrs. Lucky. She blows a bubble gum bubble and pops it, treating the kids to a "here we go again" ending.

#15 Zombies Don't Play Soccer So we skip ahead only two books to see what's going on with zombies. I picked this one because I thought it'd be interesting to view the perception of zombies before their current media oversaturation. This is from 1995, the first Resident Evil won't be out for a year and The Walking Dead is a distant dream. So let's check in on the shambling hoards of the mid-'90s~

We begin with our quartet of kids as they all show up to play soccer (or "association football" for you non-Americans). Apparently Eddie's ruthless pranking and goofing off has driven their former coach to retirement. The replacement is this lady, Coach Graves. Eddie decries the notion of a woman coach, but before you decry him as sexist, keep in mind that he's in third grade. When I was in third grade, I had a male teacher for the first time. At that point, I'd never even heard of male teachers, I didn't know male teachers were a thing, I thought it was a woman-only job. It's plausible Eddie has never heard of female athletes~

Anyway, this is Coach Graves. She looks rather slight and average on the cover, but all the text describes her as huge, comparing her to a linebacker. That's the wrong football there, guys. She's also from New Orleans. Coach Graves then works the kids to the bone playing soccer. They practice passing and dribbling, and by the time they leave for the day, they're exhausted. Their loitering allows them to catch a glimpse of a strange old lady in a black dress and wide-brimmed hat, who comes to talk angrily with Coach Graves. They're out of reach to overhear, but they assume the gist of it from body language: the lady does not want Coach Graves to stay in Bailey City.

The kids return for more soccer the next day, only to find Coach Graves already there. She's sitting on the bench and just staring straight ahead. She doesn't respond to the children, and barely lets go of the ball so they can play. The lack of coaching leads Eddie to his usual horsing around, and Coach Graves does nothing. Eventually, Melody calls her friends together and decides to let them in on her suspicions: Coach Graves may in fact be a zombie. She heard of them from her cousin last summer, and it roughly fits the description of a voodoo zombie: a person ensorcellated to do another's bidding.

Curiously, one of the signs to tell if someone is a zombie is that they won't look you in the eye. I'll be honest, I haven't heard that one before. Eddie tries it, since the coach is still sitting unresponsive, and indeed she cannot look him in the eye when he starts staring. This is conclusive proof, I guess. They break up practice, and give the ball back to the coach, who walks off stiff-legged and arms outstretched. The kids run away, but stop and return, resolving to follow the coach home.

Coach Graves seems to live in a small house just past the local cemetary. Of course. They watch as the coach slowly digs a big hole in her yard, and drops the team ball inside. They take this as a horrific action, since if they don't have a ball, they can't play in the big game. Is this the only ball in the city? You may have a bigger problem than zombies, if that's the case. Anyway, Eddie sneaks onto the property after the coach leaves to retrieve the ball, realising that the size of the hole actually makes it a grave. Some artificial tension is generated when the kids shout that Coach Graves is coming back while Eddie is stuck in the hole and can't get out because it's too deep. The chapter ends, and the next one starts by resolving these things offscreen without saying how.

Coach Graves returns to the field in the same state the next day, and Liza makes her one contribution by suggesting the coach is just sleepwalking. She tries tickling the coach, because "tickling always wakes her up". This raises more questions that the book will never explain. Either way, it does nothing to stir the coach. Melody turns up, and she has a better solution: feed the coach peanuts. See, as everyone knows, giving salt to a zombie will break its connection to the voodoo priest who raised it. Completely ignorant of the coach's potential allergies, Melody basically press-gangs some peanuts on Coach Graves. Alas, they have no effect because Melody foolishly brought the salt-free peanuts.

It's time for the big game, but the coach is still unresponsive. And of course, they're getting their asses kicked by the rival team. Recalling something the coach said at their first meeeting about how "good soccer-playing can wake the dead", the kids decide to actually try teamwork in their team sport. And it turns out when they put effort into playing, they actually end up scoring. They win the game, and very suddenly the coach snaps out of her stupor. She tells the old woman, who turns out to be her grandmother, that she clearly can't go back to New Orleans when such a good soccer team is here. She's going to have to work them even harder, since she knows they can win. The book ends on another "wah-wah" moment as the kids wonder if they should've just left her a zombie.

So, that's two books. As you can see, they're rather formulaic: kids meet a new adult, one of them suspects them of being some sort of monster, they do research to convince the rest of the group, they try and fail to drive off the adult, and the book ends abruptly with a brief (and often oddly contrived) resolution and a sort of goofy ending stinger. This would go on for quite a few books, and even I don't think I read them all. I'd love the chance to try, though. Perhaps we could even review a few more of them here~

The real appeal of these books is the variety and depth of the different creatures the kids encounter. As seen in this set, the facts about the monsters are often pretty accurate (the WWI origin of gremlins, the salt being used to defeat zombies), and the more books they did, the more interesting the monsters would get. They even did one based on the story of St. George and the Dragon, another example of a story I first heard about from these books. There was even a sequel series, Bailey City Monsters, where they dropped the ambiguity and just straight-up admitted the adults were monsters. Again, I'd love to review those for this blog.

So, not exactly the spookiest series, but a worthy addition to a young kid's library this Halloween, I think~

[hashtagartistlife]

Thoughts TM on the Live Action (hard spoilers ahead. Also, warning: it’s long.):

- Firstly, the casting. The absolute Best casting decision in this whole movie, visuals-and-acting-wise, is Isshin hands down. He LOOKS like Isshin, he ACTS like Isshin-- actually, Movie!Isshin > Manga!Isshin. They toned down the goof a tiny bit, played up his love and concern for the kids, and put him in an APRON for 90% of his screentime and made him the homemaker. (A++++ MOVE, WHY THE HELL WAS YUZU COOKING FOR EVERYBODY AT THE AGE OF NINE. BAD DECISION KUBO).

- Second best casting decision is Kuchiki Rukia. I remember when her stills first came out I wasn’t 100% on this casting because sure she was gorgeous but she looked????? SO YOUNG????? but guys, she nailed it. NAILED IT. Hana Sugisaki based goddess and if u aren’t her fan now you will be by the time the movie ends.

- Sota Fukushi as Ichigo.... hm. Given that my only criteria when drawing Ichigo is to make him as hot as humanly possible, it was 100% guaranteed that any actor they put up for the role would fall short of my visual expectations from an Ichigo. NGL there are more good looking men out there than Sota Fukushi but to quote both Ro and I from our rabb.it chat during the movie...... sota fukushi hard smash 

(- ok but a serious dilemma: are we attracted to him because he’s attractive, or because he’s playing ichigo and ichigo’s attractive????

-also, chad’s actor hard smash as well)

- SPEAKING of Chad.... he had. Minimal role in the movie but I love that they showed a bit of his bromance with Ichigo. It was always such a cute friendship and they did it justice with what little they showed! Anyway, I like his casting and Orihime’s too, visually speaking. 

- The other casts were fine. Not !!!! worthy but like not terrible casting either. Honestly I feel like Miyavi as Byakuya could have really worked if they hadn’t given him that... AWFUL hair. The hair is even more awful in the movie than it is in the still cuts. Believe it. 

- A final note on the casting... I really hated noticing this but Orihime’s actress? Erina Mano? Looks a LOT like the actress they cast for Masaki and i hate noticing it but I did. But it’s not time for the ir tea/ih salt yet that comes later

- Secondly: Characterisation. Overall decent, but you can really tell that like... they spent the most amount of care on getting the central IR dynamic right and sorta just went ‘lol that’s good enough’ for the others. It’s almost like they spent all of their characterisation budget on IR and had minimal left over to spare for minor characters (e.g: Orihime). You’ll see what I mean.

- Once again, hands down best characterisation in the whole movie is Isshin and Rukia. Isshin’s bodily comedy with Ichigo was done SO realistically, in a way that’s funny and not too over-the-top. The way they kept playing off each other as slightly overbearing father and moody teenage son was FANTASTIC. And one of the moments that had me MOST emotional in this movie was when Isshin was shown by Ichigo’s bedside, taking care of him while he’s recovering from injuries. Ichigo, upon waking from a dream of his mum, asks Isshin if he ever dreams of her. Isshin’s answer? ‘Every night’. EVERY NIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER. GOD I was never a hard isshimassa stan but this movie got me FEELING things for them 

- Hana’s interpretation of Rukia is FANTASTIC. Unbelievably spot on. The emotional unavailability, her rigid initial adherence to what she believes is the shinigami code, the adorable naivete re: human world customs, the way she steamrollers over Ichigo, the way that, no matter how hard she tries to be aloof, she can’t hide the fact that she cares. She cares so much. And honestly, if there’s one thing this movie does well, it’s how they managed to get those manga-panel comic violence situations to translate so well to reality. Isshin-on-Ichigo violence translated well, and the Rukia-on-Ichigo violence translates excellently as well. Their little bickering scenes play out EXACTLY how I, at least, imagined them to go, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Also, I honestly think her looking really young works to her advantage, because it really gives you a sense of like… how bemused Ichigo must be by this whole situation. My predominant thought every time hana is on screen is SHE’S SO CUTE AND LOVELY I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT, except this tiny girl who you can only think of as ‘cute’ is like…. Bossing you around and beating your ass with a sword and instilling fucking philosophy lessons in you. It’s so surreal? And if it’s surreal for US then just imagine how surreal it must be for Ichigo.

- Sota’s Ichigo.... once again, hmm. His ‘trying to be cool’ acting (i.e. during the fight scenes) was cringey, but I can’t tell if that’s his acting skill or just the fact that what looks ‘cool’ on manga panels inVARIABLY look cringey in real life. Probably the latter. And I think he’s a LITTLE too growly for my taste, but then again, I’m used to post-timeskip Ichigo who’s a bit more... low-key cynical rather than prickly. Initial Ichigo was pretty abrasive, so I guess that’s in-character. Also, his most-said line of dialogue in this movie is ‘HAH??’ which is hilarious and very in-character. Honestly, Hana as Rukia is straight up excellent for the whole duration of the movie but I definitely think Sota shone MOST when he was acting in combination with Isshin or Rukia. Whatever I think about his individual acting skills, he definitely had chemistry with those actors in terms of dynamics.

- Guys, the IR in this is fantastic. Brilliant. Like I said, their bickering plays out to a TEE how I imagined things to go. Literally cannot fault their bickering. Their soft heartfelt moments are SO GOOD too. And they were all shot so…. Intimately? Their softer scenes were shot with such heartbreaking tenderness and I just….. ugh. Hana Sugisaki REALLY brought her acting A-game. ALSO THE WAY LITERALLY EVERYONE THINKS THEY’RE DATING??? RENJI SHOWS UP AND IS LIKE ‘OOPS I THINK I KILLED YOUR BOYFRIEND’ TO RUKIA. RENJI SAYS THAT. BYAKUYA THINKS SHE’S TOO ‘EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED’. Not to even mention Keigo and Tatsuki and Orihime……. God. Absolutely unbelievable.

- Now, if I was being picky and HAD to talk about a few gripes…. Let’s see. It takes Ichigo more time to warm up to Rukia than in canon, and he’s more of an asshole to her in this time period too. But y’know, that’s a very minor gripe. The other teeny tiny gripe I have about the IR is like…. A gripe but also not a gripe at the same time lmfao. OK so at the end when Renji and Byakuya are trying to take Rukia away, Ichigo plants himself in front of Rukia and says ‘I’m going to protect you’ and he repeats this multiple times in the fight, which, yes, extremely shippy, I’m going to die on the pavement et al, but also… this might be a weird gripe for some, because the ir dynamic has always been them protecting and saving each other. But not in so many words? It’s always been a very equal protection dynamic, partly because Rukia won’t LET him be her protector. I subscribe to the meta that this is precisely why she’s good for Ichigo. It’s also what drives him up the wall, because WHY WON’T SHE LET HIM KEEP HER SAFE, but it’s the fact that Rukia REFUSES to be one of his ‘protected people’, the fact that Rukia DEMANDS equal footing to him, that quashes down the more destructive aspects of his will to protect. But yeah, I feel like that line – ‘I’m going to protect you/her’, repeated multiple times—sort of erases the inherent equality in their dynamic and puts Rukia in the ‘protected’ pile. But that’s just because the movie didn’t have enough time for the rest of the arc. Look honestly the ir in the movie is FINE. The only reason I’m even bringing this up is because I have the manga version to compare it to, and it’s an unfair comparison to begin with because obviously the manga has so much more to work with. Overall, if you’re worried about the IR characterisation in this movie—don’t be. They hard carried the whole thing. Sota and Hana are an absolute DELIGHT to watch playing off each other. They have GREAT chemistry supported by well-shot scenes and good dialogue. 11/10 worth watching just for these two alone.

- Yuzu and Karin. Even though they changed their designs to look identical in the movie (I’m guessing for the instant visual cue of ‘oh they’re twins!’), I’m glad they kept their personalities the same. Karin is snarky as ever, Yuzu is sweet. So +1 for that. But then they made Yuzu (Karin?) say ‘Onii-chan, I’m scared’ during the fishbone D attack, rather than the canonical ‘get away, you’ll get hurt’. Which… look, fair, she’s eleven, I think that’s more realistic, but ALSO YOU JUST???? CHANGED HER WHOLE CHARACTERISATION. CAN WE PUT SOME RESPECT ON HER NAME PLEASE

- Uryuu……hmm. They made him a LITTLE more chill than he was in the manga, but he was such a dramatic character in canon already that he still comes off pretty darn dramatic in the movie. I did really like his characterisation, but he had such little screentime that I’m finding it difficult to like… do any substantial comparisons to his manga character. I’m thinking I might need a rewatch to solidify my opinions on Uryuu. But his little scene at the very end with Ichigo after they all lose their memories of Rukia is very sweet and makes me wonder about their dynamic if they hadn’t had all this quincy-shinigami bs to sort through.

- Chad was in the movie even less than Uryuu, but I have no complaints about his characterisation. Pretty accurate to manga canon.

- Guys I LOVE Keigo in this movie. ‘He died on the spot’ Iconic roast. LET KEIGO ROAST ICHIGO 2K18

- Tatsuki was eh. She wasn’t in the movie long enough for me to really have an opinion on her characterisation, and it’s unfortunate that the only part of her character they brought from manga canon was the ‘give Orihime bad advice on how to date Ichigo’ part, but whatever. It’s not technically WRONG characterisation, just not the FULL characterisation.

- Orihime…………… god, Orihime. Look you guys know that even though I have my ‘and NONE FOR ORIHIME BYE’ days, they’re mostly in jest, and I actually do appreciate her as a character. I like her, mostly! I think she’s fascinating to write about and explore! I think she deserved good things, better things than what the ending set her up for!

- But I’d strangle movie Orihime without hesitation. Bye bitch

- OK, you know how you thought anime Orihime with her constant ‘Kurosaki-kun’s was annoying??? Movie orihime was WORSE. Movie Orihime? Straight up yandere. She literally doesn’t have a single appearance where she’s not talking about Ichigo or being weirdly jealous of Ichigo and Rukia’s friendship or worrying about Ichigo in an overbearing, over-the-top way. And I’m actually really frustrated and disappointed about this, because early Karakura Orihime was ACTUALLY A GOOD CHARACTER!!!!!! Orihime, imo, is the most egregious OOC in this movie. Which is a shame, because the rest of the characterisation was actually… ok and decent

- Renji and Byakuya….. ohhhh boy. Renji and Byakuya are characterised as straight up villains for the whole movie with no redemption. There’s no nuance of them being possibly friendly and/or having concern for Rukia at all throughout the whole movie, which could be OOC depending on how you look at it, but honestly it makes sense considering this movie only covers up to chapter 56 Broken Coda and does NONE of the SS arc. Basically, their characterisations are how we would characterise them based on the one time they came to collect Rukia. They’re cold, uncaring, think humans aren’t worth anything, and that emotions are a human weakness. RENJI STRAIGHT UP SWINGS A SWORD AT AN UNARMED CIVILIAN CLOTHED RUKIA (yes I know it happened in the manga too but. It’s a lot more shocking watching it happen real-time) and also STABBED!!!! URYUU!!!!!! IN THE BACK!!! WHILE HE WASN’T DOING ANYTHING THREATENING!!! So, uh, this movie really said ‘fuck renji rights’. God I’m imagining like… if ur introduction to Bleach was through this movie, and you decided to look up how the manga ends and it’s RENRUKI and you’re like ?????????????? THE DUDE SWUNG A SWORD AT HER????? Like FORGET IH, this movie really fucking hated rr. Which… im not mad about lmfao

- Final note on characterisation: as usual, IR fucking hard carries, but what ELSE is new for this franchise. Isshin was a surprising dark horse. Overall, characterisation FINE, not OOC with one glaring exception, but sometimes because of time constraints certain characters didn’t get their FULL RANGE of characterisation.

- THIRDLY: overall technical excellence of the movie in terms of script, camera angles, choreography, CGI, etc etc

- My one line summary for this is…. It’s an anime live action adaptation. I hope ur not expecting much from this department at all

- Like, in terms of is it a GOOD movie? Lmfao. I enjoyed the hell out of it, sure, but I don’t think someone who has no idea what bleach is would a) understand what the heck is going on OR b) find the story to be well-paced and well-told. Like, I KNEW what was coming and what was going on, and even I found the movie to be a bit disjointed, kind of like old metal machinery that needs oiling to get going.

- Honestly this movie is similar to the manga in that… technically speaking it’s not great, but its strengths lie in the character arcs and the overall poetic parallels it tries to pull. It may not have been the most artistically executed, but I could tell that they really tried to put the parallel in between IR protecting each other and Masaki dying to protect Ichigo. Like, an attempt was noted! It was appreciated! Obviously they don’t do it with as much grace as the manga did but y’know, they tried!

- The script was actually really great in this movie. Bleach is a very snarky manga and the script really showcases that. Everyone shows a lot of sass. I like that. The one exception to the script being good was whenever a hollow opened its mouth to speak. They really gave the hollows dialogue like ‘I WANT YOUR SOUL’ and ‘GIVE ME YOUR SOUL’…. Like. Someone got paid for that dialogue and they really shouldn’t have.

- I honestly don’t have an opinion on the CGI. Ro kept saying that the cgi was BAD and like I guess it was, but I’m pretty lenient about CGI in general. I already know it’s going to be CGI so unless it’s BLATANTLY fake I overlook it.

- But there is this ONE SCENE of Renji going into shikai that looks so awfully fake that even I was like ‘ok no that was BAD’ so I guess CGI bad

- The choreo in the fight scenes is messy and disjointed and very cringey. I can’t believe they managed to pull manga-style comical violence in REAL LIFE and make it look believable and funny, but couldn’t choreography a decent fight scene……. Man idk. I guess they really DID spend all their budget on making IR as excellent as possible.

- Overall: technically speaking it’s a terrible movie, but will that hinder your enjoyment of it? Probably not. Watch it just for the excellent banter.

- FINALLY: Miscellaneous yelling about various scenes through 120% Ichiruki-filtered glasses.

- Guys, this movie. This movie. They really sat down and said ‘ok give them literally every single early-karakura ichiruki fanfic trope situation ever’ and that’s it, that’s the movie

- ICHIGO KEEPS LEANING DOWN RIGHT INTO RUKIA’S FACE!!!! THEY HAVE NOOOOO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE!!!! Which I guess is canon but THEY KEEP!!!!! LEANING!!!!! INTO EACH OTHER!!!! I will DIE

- The sPARRING????????? THE SPARRING?????

- Ichigo smirks while sparring her. She’s kicking his ass and goddammit, he LIKES it

- They legit made Rukia tackle Ichigo and pin him to the ground and then they made Ichigo flip them around

- And then they made ORIHIME WALK IN ON THAT

- UN!!!! BELIEVABLE!!!!!!!

- (Sidenote: they made Orihime act so weirdly jealous of that?? Like… wtf orihime. You’re not his girlfriend like she has no rights to be acting like this…. Look the Orihime characterisation in this movie is A Mess)

- They have conversations through shut closet doors while ichigo’s lying on his bed THIS APPEARS IN EVERY. SINGLE. IR EARLY KARAKURA FIC EVER IM

- Ichigo: CAN YOU GET OUT OF MY CLOSET. NO YOU CAN’T LIVE IN MY HOUSE

- Also Ichigo, the INSTANT he can’t find Rukia in his closet: WHERE IS SHE. LET ME JUST RUN AROUND IN THE DARK OUTSIDE TO FIND HER. HEY URYUU HOW DO I GET TO THE AFTERLIFE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T BRING HER BACK. SO WHAT IF I DO, HUH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT. FIGHT ME

- Also ichigo becomes so much SOFTER towards Rukia after a certain point in this movie and…. God…… I love that you can see that switch in Sota’s acting. I’m going to CRY

- OK THIS IS A VERY SHORT SCENE BUT AT ONE POINT RUKIA LANDS ON A ROOFTOP WITH AN INJURED ICHIGO AND SHE LIT. RUBS HER HANDS ALL OVER THE BARE SKIN ON HIS CHEST BC SHE’S RUBBING MEDICINE INTO HIM!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! WHERE’S THE M-15 RATING ON THIS MOVIE BC SHE LEGIT!!! HAD HER HANDS!!!! ALL OVER HIM!!!!! Ro and I shouted abt this so much God

- The final fight is RIDICULOUS in terms of HOW MUCH ICHIGO WON’T STAY DOWN and it’s framed SO dramatically lmfao but y’know, it’s shot in a very IR light, I’ll take it

- Ro and I literally were just like IT’S THE POWER OF LOVE BITCH bc he legit just KEPT getting up it was ridiculous

- Also rukia’s final speech to ichigo after she does her whole broken coda ‘don’t touch my brother lowly human’ spiel is…. Beautiful. Fucking excellent

- ‘you’re rude and brash and I’m sick of all humans especially you’ but like. Why is this literally kate’s ’10 things I hate about you’ speech at the end of that movie

- ICHIGO DOESN’T TAKE HIS EYES OFF RUKIA THE WHOLE TIME SHE’S ERASING HIS MEMORIES. DOESN’T EVEN BLINK. THIS IS SOME EP 342 TEAS ALL OVER AGAIN. FUCK. I’M GOING TO!!!! DIE!!!

- Ok so my opinion on how they changed the end: it was necessary to tie things all up in one movie but that doesn’t mean I don’t hate the fact that ichigo ostensibly forgot rukia when in canon HE’S THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERED

- I guess the final scene where he looks at her writing on his textbook and smiles could be a sort of clue that he’s starting to remember. Man idk I think I’d just feel really cheated as a viewer who isn’t coming from a bleach manga/anime background, that everyone just conveniently ‘forgot’. It’s equivalent to an ‘it was all a dream!’ kind of ending imo. It’s a copout. But at the same time I can see why it was necessary :’/

- Also, this exchange with uryuu at the end where they exchange hellos before pulling up short and going ‘wait- do I know you?’ ‘no. but good to know you’ was SO HEARTBREAKING BUT SO GOOD I REALLY DID LOVE THAT

- Whoo ok I’m SURE I’ve forgotten some details but this is already EXCESSIVELY long so. Final FINAL thoughts:

- The quality of the movie is, obviously, not great, but if you were worried about weird chara interpretations and relationships, don’t be. Unless you’re an IH/RRstan or an Orihime fan. This will not be a fun movie for you. But then again, you managed to work through 686 chapters of a manga that clearly wasn’t fun for you and seemed to be ok with it, so maybe this movie won’t bother you either.

- The script is surprisingly solid and has genuinely good, occasionally touching, snarky, sassy dialogue. Good attempts at poeticism and various parallels and callbacks.

- Ichiruki fucking hard carries, and so does isshin. I love uryuu but that may just be my uryuu bias talking.

- Objectively, maybe a 4, 5/10. Ichiruki-wise? 8/10. Obviously this was written in a high straight after the movie and like, maybe after a few days or like a rewatch or w/e my opinions may change. But rn? God I love stanning legends, viva la ichiruki fuck you

[taronfanfic]

Rewind

Masterlist

Chapter 7

The door slammed against the wall as you ran through it back to where you’d left Taron just moments before. The digits displayed above the lift were ascending as it moved from the second to third and fourth floors and you turned away to take the stairs instead. Heavy breaths filled the echoey stairwell as you ran up and around the flights, determined to try and beat the lift to the 6th floor.

“Taron!” You called out down the corridor as you saw the door to his flat was still just ajar. Not even a second later and it had closed completely. You were left bent over, resting your hands on your knees as you fought to get your breath back. The sound of a door opening lifted your gaze and you saw Taron leaning out and looking confused.

“Was that you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just ran.” You breathed heavily as you walked slowly over to him, desperately trying to control your breathing. “Can I be cheeky and steal your sofa for another night?... still locked out… reception is still shut.”

“That’s fucking ridiculous!” He exclaimed.

“I know, I’m sorry. If I can borrow your phone instead I can try and get hold of one of my friends on facebook and see if I can crash at theirs.”

“No, no, I mean it’s mad that reception is still closed. Come in.” He held his door back and let you slide past him to get inside. “Of course you can stay here, don’t worry about it. I’m going to be putting in a complaint about what’s happened though.”

“Don’t waste your breath, they never listen. Look are you really sure about letting me stay again? I don’t want to take up all your time and invade your space.”

“Y/N, we’re mates now, right? You’re always welcome here and it makes for a nice change to have the company.” He placed his hand on your shoulder as he walked behind you and into his kitchen area. You lingered on the word mates and wondered if your non-official date from earlier hadn’t gone as well as you first thought. It definitely sounded like he just friend-zoned you.

“I just feel bad about it, I’ve not given you a lot of choice.”

“Don’t feel bad, it’s not your fault. I’m not going to complain about gaining a new friend this weekend either. I like you so it’s cool. We can just rewind our goodbye from earlier and continue to hang out.”

“Alright.” You sighed, feeling the disappointment take over as you sat down on his sofa. Friends who are just hanging out: Definitely not a date then.

“Beer?” He handed you a bottle as he flopped down next to you and switched the TV on. For the first time that day you sat in an awkward silence. The anxiety returned to your stomach as you started to feel like you’d overdosed on Taron. Sometimes less is more with guys. They like the mystery and intrigue, playing hard to get and the thrill of the chase. All you’d done was force yourself on him for nearing 24 hours so no wonder he’d already decided there was nothing more there than friendship. It was a miracle you’d even gained that label! A long drink from your bottle signed off your acceptance of defeat and you sunk down further into Taron’s sofa as you started to relax again, safe in the knowledge that nothing was going to happen.

10 minutes later and Taron reached down under his coffee table pulled out his laptop and passed it over to you.

“Don’t even try and deny it, I heard your stomach rumble so I’m leaving tonight’s takeaway in your hands. I’d have normally bought food in and cooked something, but I’ve been a bit pre-occupied.”

“Sorry, I’m getting in your way again… I think my card details are saved on my account so I can get this one. What do you fancy?” You looked across from the screen to see Taron deliberating hard over his choice.

“Ah surprise me, I’m up for anything.” He cast you a quick wink and then got up to get more beers from the fridge. You placed the order for two large pizzas and a load of extra sides, making sure there’d be plenty for Taron to have as leftovers the next day.

“Have you not ordered it yet?” He asked as he joined you again a few minutes later, bringing a bottle of vodka, a carton of orange juice and two smaller glasses with him.

“It’s all good, it’ll be 20 minutes. I’m just looking through your search history.” You joked as Taron’s face dropped to an instant panic.

“Please don’t.”

“I’m kidding!” You laughed back. “I’m on your spotify account. Although your panicked face has made me curious…”

“Spotify is fine, but seriously please don’t go digging anywhere else.”

“You’re worrying me now.”

“It’s not that bad, just not a kink I’m willing to share yet.” He poured himself a vodka orange and then waited to see if you’d have one too.

“Go on then.” You agreed before putting on his pre-drinks playlist and scrolling down the list of songs to see how similar it was to yours. “This is decent by the way!” A nod of approval followed your compliment as you clocked lots of classic hits from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. Taron handed you your glass and then slid up closer to you so he could take a look.

“I’ve got quite an eclectic taste.” He reached over your arm to the touchpad of his laptop and pulled up his playlist titled ‘driving’. “This one’s got all my favourite stuff in it. Bowie, Queen, Stevie Wonder, The Strokes…” He started to hum along to the track that was currently playing and then the lyrics tumbled from his lips as he started to sing gently. You found yourself watching him as he sang whilst searching for the next song. To say he could hold a tune was an understatement. He sounded amazing.

“You never told me you could sing!” You leant away from him in awe as he stopped singing and blushed. Everything he’d told you about himself so far you already knew from his dating profile, so this was the first genuine surprise, and a very good one too!

“Sorry, I shouldn’t sing. I’ll do your head in.”

“No, carry on. I like it!” You replied a bit too eagerly and Taron looked back at you as though he knew exactly what you meant by that comment. Throwing your attention back to his laptop gave you shelter from his lingering gaze and you returned to his list of playlists. “You’ve not got any weird ones like ‘cleaning motivation’ or ‘songs for when I’m feeling indecisive’.”

“Cleaning motivation? …There’s only one thing that motivates me to clean this place!”

“Vodka?” You finished off your drink and passed your empty glass back to Taron so he could pour you another.

“Nope… sex.”

“Now that is a weird kink!” You laughed as you mocked him.

“Fuck off! Not like that, you muppet… I just meant if I’m planning on bringing a girl back then I’ll tidy up first.”

“I’ll take back my first impression on your respectable flat then! It’s not like your efforts were meant for me anyway…”

“Ah but at least it didn’t go unnoticed!” Taron replied smugly.

“Ok, ok, so you have a going out playlist, one for the gym and one for your car… where’s the one for a quiet night in?”

“I don’t really listen to music in the evenings, just tend to put a film on if I’m on my own.”

“No, I meant more… something to get your woman of choice for that week in the mood.”

“Oh, right… I don’t really… I’ve not found it-” He stumbled over his answer. “There’s not really time for any of that if I’m being totally honest.”

“But there must be a song you really want to have sex to.” You pushed him further.

“I don’t know. Have you got one?” Taron deflected your question straight back to you.

“Way more than one, my songs to fuck to playlist is hours long! I’m kinda saving it though because I don’t want terrible sex to put me off a song for life.”

“Right.” Taron laughed nervously. “I’m going to head down and find the delivery guy as he’ll probably be here in a minute.”

As soon as the door was closed you poured yourself a new vodka and downed it. Taron was the one to move the conversation onto the topic of sex yet somehow he couldn’t handle talking about it in more detail. Maybe he thought you’d get the wrong idea and he didn’t want to have to turn you down? Maybe he thought you were going to ask how many women he’s slept with and it’s a disgustingly high number? You’d never known a guy shy away from talking about sex. Question after question raced through your mind but you knew you’d never get the answers. Not unless you got him really drunk.

Tag List: @egerton-sweetie @amanda-tallmadge @lizziespidiepridie​ @leanimal90@anantheminmyheart22@aynsleywalker@bohemianrhapsody86@butterfliesslugswormsandothershi @manners-maketh-taron@livingincompletesilence@marvelmakeuplover@ohsosmutty@misspygmypie @manners-maketh-a-kingsman@courtmr @baileythepenguin

[strangcrdoctor]

∞Okay last one for the night because I am really tired and very ready for bed but I’ve gotta get in my Avengers commentary because I have to start off tomorrow on a clean slate and ready to go. Thus, here we are.

1. In lieu of only post Infinity War MCU canon, Loki’s rhetoric at the very beginning of The Avengers sounds a fucking lot like Maw’s. In the initial scenes when he’s fresh off the Tesseract Express his words and way of speaking sound nothing like his own. Even comparing his speeches at the outset of the movie versus the one he makes in Stuttgart, the tones and focuses of them are very different. (IE the first speech focuses on the “powers at be” versus the Stuttgart speech focusing on Loki’s personal opinions of humanity which are more and more developed throughout the film.) But it struck me that these first scenes are precisely on-cue for someone tortured and brainwashed by, say, The Black Order. 2. Given I literally just watched the first Captain America yesterday, I find Cap’s “old fashioned” comment about the stars and stripes on his uniform to be both sad and interesting. Especially given the context that comparatively Cap hasn’t been “up” for very long, one particular comment made to him by Schmidt literally moments before he went into the ice stands out. Schmidt says that through the Tesseract he glimpsed the future, and that there were no flags. In the America and world Steve wakes up to, compared to the world of the 1940s that claim of Schmidt’s could very suddenly appear to be true, which would be understandably uncomfortable for someone like Steve who is usually determined and quick on his feet but at such a staggering disadvantage because of the gap between his mindset and that of his contemporaries which are more varied than he necessarily knows how to quantify right at the outset. Watching his progress throughout the MCU in light of that is interesting, but that one moment of introspection about the utility of the “stars and stripes” is a uniquely postmodern comment coming from a pre-modern/modern man. 3. Okay so this intrigues me now that we have the Guardians and pretty much the entire universe in play in the MCU, but what “greater worlds,” exactly, was the Tesseract supposed to unveil? True the Tesseract is the space stone and verifiably can open portals to everywhere and anywhere in the universe, but Loki specifically makes the claim that the Tesseract can open up access to “greater worlds,” and I’m honestly still not entirely sure what precise reference this was supposed to be making. Because Thanos barely might have arguably needed the Tesseract to get to the planet the Soul Stone was on, but even so that’s a connection that still somehow feels like a stretch. So my question is, what if they meaning the Black Order or Thanos or possibly even Loki needed the Tesseract to get at something else? Somewhere else? Then again, this particular slip might just be Whedon’s doing and not necessarily be reflective of the culmination of the MCU up to this point so IDK. 4. I’m not going to lie, I’ve found it fascinating from day one that The Avengers very openly plays with godhood, to the point that I’m genuinely not sure if they’re reifying it in the MCU or tinkering with it. I mean obviously in the later movies this theme is less stressed because the tinkering patently takes precedence, but it’s still cool to me that there are both scripted and visual imagery that tie in multicultural interpretations of godhood. Fury mentions the burial rites of the Pharaohs within the first ten minutes of the film, Loki commits a human sacrifice on a Babylonian bull altar straight from Gilgamesh era in Stuttgart, Cap makes a comment about how his singular god does and does not dress after Natasha herself labels Thor and Loki as gods, and Fury unashamedly labels Thor as a god when they release the Tesseract to his custody. And while a bit ham-fisted, the correlation between theism and the bleeding-edge demand to acknowledge the reality of the universe is still pretty neat guys. 5. The old man in Stuttgart because no FUCK. If any of y’all think that my Germanist ass won’t get misty-eyed and choked-up during this scene, you’re wrong. 6. Okay so I’ll premise this by saying that I haven’t cross-checked the official script because frankly... yeah frankly I don’t want to be wrong and I really can’t hear anything but what I believe to be my interpretation of the line even though I know what the other fan alternatives have been. But when Thor and Loki are arguing on the mountaintop, when Loki says that he, “Was and should be ---,” my hearing of it instead of having been “Was and should be king,” is “Was and should be killed.” And while I’ll bow to whatever official record claims otherwise, I like my hearing better so there. (Also... there’s zero hint of Hiddleston’s palate producing a “g” sound in that sentence but I’ll put my inner linguist away and leave it at that.) 7. In light of that scene, though, when Loki and Thor are arguing is one of the first moments when Loki actually sounds like himself after the Stuttgart scene? Prior to that point the only times we see Loki is when he’s marshaling his human troops and getting policed by those lording over him. In all of those initial scenes Loki feels... very un-Loki to me. Not because Loki isn’t a bastard (hint: he is), but because his motivations and justifications are vague and not seemingly personally motivated, which is what Loki is to a fault. Post-Stuttgart, however, and the personal element seems to return for him because of some reason or another. (IE I have theories but you can read your own into it.) 8. Let it never be said that Thor is a dull bulb. Yeah it’s still sort of unclear how Thor got to Earth (though nothing is unclear about why Thor is pissed), but Thor does walk in with more than enough information to be frankly a little surprising. Bless Heimdall and all that, but seriously the fact that Thor knows about the Chitauri but doesn’t know other things casts an interesting focus on what he was told by Odin and Heimdall before going. Most importantly, though, even from conversing with Loki for a few minutes, Thor is attentive enough to pick up on some of what Loki isn’t saying. Such as, just who showed Loki how to use the Tesseract and all the things Loki claims to be motivated by. Equally interestingly, Loki specifically refuses to answer that question. 9. I feel bad for Fury for sleeping in a den of vipers for so long - though I do like the build-up from the first Avengers into the following issues with HYDRA corruption - but in ways more important to the immediate issue in the first Avengers, Fury might be a shady bitch but he is not an idiot. Because while everyone else was having pissing contests and not trusting one another, Fury was not trusting the person that deserved to be trusted the least, which isn’t just good leadership, but is good spycraft. 10. As established later in the MCU, it’s exceedingly clever that even in the first Avengers there are scenes when even without a “wielder” present, the Mind Stone - as-yet unidentified as such in the MCU - can be seen manipulating those in its vicinity such as in the lab where the biggest catfight in the history of the MCU breaks out. I mean. Until CA:CW... 11. Steve Rogers, poor cinnamon roll, unexpectedly served at dinner instead of breakfast, who cracks jokes about technology he really isn’t that bad at as “seeming to run on some kind of electricity.” Bless. Though really that internal console, while doing complicated shit, is definitely not any more or less visually complicated than the interior of a radio relay which Steve definitely dealt with in his day but kudos for the humor bb, A+. 12. Still one of the strongest and most harrowing lines ever said in the MCU in my opinion: “We are NOT soldiers.” Know why? Because they aren’t. Hell, the only ones among them that are soldiers - and some by slim and emergency-driven margins - are Steve, Bucky, Rhodey, and Sam. The rest of them are brilliant, gifted, and tortured civilians trying to do the right thing. And to Tony Stark above all else, that means something. That means that they didn’t get training to deal with this shit. They didn’t choose for this to be their lives, necessarily. And above all, they don’t deserve to die. And even though Tony knows Coulson is a SHIELD agent, Tony still considers him a person before a disposable “soldier.” 13. Mother-fucking Marvel give me an entire series devoted to my Hawk Guy I need him. You have so much to work with and yet you’re so good at squandering him. I hate it. 14. In light of how bad NYC got fucked up, it’s honestly no wonder Jessica Jones has a drinking problem because I would too even without the personal loss, experimentation, and emotional maladjustment. 15. IN WHAT FUCKING POST-9/11 WORLD DO BUSINESS BUILDINGS NOT HAVE VERY STRICT EVACUATION PLANS. SERIOUSLY. I am a little mad that there are morons ogling out of office building windows when frankly that shit wouldn’t fly. Even on fucking 9/11 that shit didn’t fly and if you think NYC is less paranoid because 9/11 was a decade prior to this movie coming out, you’re wrong. Everyone remembers, and city evacuation ordinances will sure as hell never forget either. Come on Marvel. 16. As a point of interest my grandmother - who also went to see The Avengers with me when it was in theaters but not at the midnight showing like my mom - was 84 at the time and still sat through the whole thing with a bucket full of popcorn to herself, and her favorite moment to this day is when the Hulk tosses Loki around like a rag doll. She’s 90 now, and the Hulk is still her favorite character. 17. Mother-Fuckin Nick Fury will cock-block your nuclear strike with a bazooka because he thinks you’re that dumb. Do not test Nick Fury’s willingness to be Extra (TM) . You will lose. 18. Real talk, though, I’m really curious about whether the Chitauri actually are a hive mind race or, is it their technology that runs of a hive mind link? Because the armor at least on the giant toothy space whale monstrosities does not look organic - it looks implanted. The Chitauri foot soldiers also seem to have a unique biologically based interface with their weapons, armor, and technology in general, which begs the question of whether their biometric matrix is just somehow more inclined toward shared-existence technologies, or whether they self-engineered themselves into a corner by relying on said technologies too much. Seriously guys I have questions and why won’t Marvel give me answers. 19. As a final send-off, this is the first time Tony has ever driven an Acura in the MCU and I refuse to believe it’s not because of the Avengers “A” aesthetic. Tony is canonically an Audi man. Fight me on this.

Okay I’m seriously done for now it’s 1 AM and I need to sleep I have 4 more movies to get through tomorrow. I’ll be up and around and at my shit again in the morn.∞

[tenaflyviper]

Since a sudden head cold put the kibosh on my other plans, I decided to spend my time sick in bed this weekend indulging in a bit of Youtube, and I happened to run across what I consider to be a real diamond in the rough.

Shrunken Heads (1994) was a Full Moon Entertainment picture originally conceived of by studio head Charles Band, directed by Richard Elfman, with a main theme composed by Danny Elfman, and written by Band and Matthew Bright (original member of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo, writer of the cult classic Oingo Boingo vehicle Forbidden Zone (1980), and childhood friend of the Elfman brothers).

With that kind of a line-up, I’m honestly surprised the film isn’t more well-known and loved.  I personally found it really earnest and enjoyable, though there is no denying that it has its share of issues (most related to Hollywood ignorance, and the time in which it was made).

First, let’s talk about what makes this film interesting and unique.  The cast is likeable, and the acting is appropriate for this type of low-budget horror comedy (i.e., expect a few exaggerated stereotypes, but nothing too cringe-inducing).  Among the teen protagonists are Upstanding-to-a-fault Tommy, his jelly bean-loving friend Billy, naïve, asthmatic “new kid” Freddy, and good-girl-dating-the-bad-guy Sally (who legit looks like the Monster High doll face molds were based after her).  They are aided by the eccentric Mr. Sumatra, who’s said to be a former member of Haitian dictator François Duvalier’s Tonton Macoute death squad, and also engages in the practice of shrinking heads (yes...he’s a good guy).

The main antagonists consist of a gang known as the Vipers (assumed to be in their late teens/early 20′s), led by Sally’s boyfriend, Vinnie.  The Vipers answer to a mob boss known as Big Moe--a tough woman with a pompadour (referred to as “she” by everyone else) who is implied to at least have a preference for women (in the form of Mitzi, the stereotypical airheaded moll-with-a-heart-of-gold, with hair so big it actually caused lighting issues during the film’s production).

As I said before, there are some minor issues with the writing and presentation.  Mr. Sumatra (and that unlikely name only gets a pass due to being a pseudonym of the director) is supposed to be Haitian (described by the protagonists as both a “police officer” and a “magician”), yet his “voodoo” includes the practice of shrinking heads, which was only ever performed by certain tribes in South America.  In the filmmakers’ efforts to make this old man out to be a secret badass, he’s been given extremely questionable credentials for someone we’re meant to believe is an otherwise decent person (but then, I suppose the film is generously ambiguous about his ethics, though other characters do call them into question, which is refreshing).

The Vipers--and everyone else working for Big Moe--are negative mafia/greaser stereotypes straight out Old Hollywood and “rebellious teen” exploitation flicks.  If it weren’t for Sally’s early-90′s fashion sense, you’d almost wonder if this was meant to be a period film.  There are a couple of uncomfortable moments regarding the young cast that are explained/implied quickly enough so as not to linger (Tommy’s disembodied head flies under Sally’s shirt in order to rest against her heart--the closest a shrunken head really has to a “hug”--and Mr. Sumatra asks Sally a very inappropriate question that’s actually crucial to her performing a ritual incantation).  There’s also an awkward shower scene featuring a male character played by the director’s son, Bodhi Elfman (who was around 25 at the time, but sure as hell didn’t sound like it).

In spite of these flaws, the characters--even the stereotypical ones--come off as surprisingly human (Vinnie is distressed by what he does, even if only briefly, Big Moe cares about keeping Mitzi happy, and it is mentioned that Vinnie, Sally, and the Vipers all have abusive and neglectful situations at home).  Tommy is admittedly kind of a dickhead Gary Stu--not just in the way the heroine realizes she always loved him, but particularly in how he ends up endangering himself and his friends through his aggressive do-gooder attitude, but it should be remembered that the Vipers have been a constant source of torment for him and Billy since kindergarten, so it can be excused as ill-conceived vengeance.  Sally is a decent heroine that stands up for herself and others, even while still dating Vinnie.  She seems to adjust all too easily to the supernatural situation, but I suppose you can only deny so much after being visited by a flying head.

I don’t want to say much more about the actual plot (well, what isn’t already given away by the cover art), but I definitely recommend giving this one a chance.  There isn’t too much blood (there are a couple of mild throat-slashing deaths and cartoonish zombie makeup), and if you aren’t put off by the concept, the stereotypes, or the hasty mixing of foreign cultures, I think a lot of folks will get a kick out of it.

The movie can currently be viewed for free on Youtube here.

Bonus! Full Moon Video Zone “Behind the Scenes” Featurette.

[crazy-noonoohead]

So no one told you life was gonna be this way. *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!*

I’ve spent the past two months re-watching all of Friends from beginning to end (that’s right, all ten seasons in two months), and I just finished the series a couple of days ago. This was a project I had wanted to take on for a while now (and yes, binge-watching a TV show totally counts as a project, especially one that ran as long as Friends), and thanks to Netflix, I was finally able to do it. Friends is the first TV show that I remember ending. I spent most of my childhood under the assumption that TV shows just kept going until they got abruptly cancelled or the entire cast died of old age, but then the words “series finale” entered my life. Watching it now is a very different experience than watching it when it was on TV, and I have some thoughts.

Things that don’t hold up (I forgive these things because we were a lot less conscious of them in the 90s/early 2000s than we are now, but it’s still important to acknowledge the parts that would be considered offensive if the show had been written in this decade):

*Awful lot of straight, white, cisgender, thin people in New York City. In ten seasons, I think there have been three interracial relationships, and two involved the same person outside of the friend group (Ross and Julie, Joey and Charlie, Ross and Charlie). If I missed any, someone please let me know.

*Toxic masculinity. A lot of the jokes in this show give me an “LOL STRAIGHT MEN DOING SOMETHING FEMININE” vibe now (nap buddies, Chandler calling Joey a woman when he gets into potpourri, Chandler and Joey worrying if they hug too often). If those same jokes were in a script today, I would want them to make fun of the internalized toxic masculinity instead of making fun of the actions themselves. Although, in the episode where Ross freaks out about Ben having a Barbie doll, his side is clearly written as the wrong one, so they get points for that.

*Body shaming jokes. This one gets more of a pass, because even Monica joked about how she used to be overweight (“I WAS the pile of coats!”), but a lot of the comments about her past appearance would be criticized a lot more heavily today. Unfortunately, this is still an issue in media, but I think viewers are more likely to call TV shows out on it now than we were then.

*Ross’ jealous, controlling tendencies were written as funny quirks. Now I know to stay away from people who have those qualities as strongly as Ross does. That’s not endearing. That leads to unhealthy relationships.

*Trigger warning: Sexual assault.    They completely made light of the fact that Joey’s tailor sexually assaulted him for most of his life. While I admit I still laughed at the “That’s not how they do pants!” line, I don’t think a network would even dream of having that happen to any of the women on the show. Also, Paolo didn’t “make a move on” Phoebe. What he did was harassment.

*Semi-related to the last one, there was the occasional comment about characters liking certain celebrities who were later revealed to have sexually harassed and/or assaulted people. I 100% don’t fault the writers for this because they couldn’t have known, but watching now, with that knowledge, I definitely had some “...Oh” moments. Of course now I can’t think of any examples, but I know I’ve gotten that feeling a few times.

*With the exception of Rachel, everyone starts the show with stable jobs and enough financial security to live independently in nice apartments in their mid/late 20s. REALLY? Maybe that was easier in the 90s, but it wasn’t THAT easy. I’m now older than these characters were at the beginning of the series, and very few of my friends have moved out of their parents’ houses. Our 20s aren’t as grown up as we used to think.

Things that totally still hold up:

*Everyone’s comedic timing! They may not be the greatest, most versatile actors ever (I still see their Friends characters in other roles they’ve played), but they’re still very funny and they delivered their lines and reactions in just the right ways.

*The bittersweet, mostly-feel-good, classic sitcom ending. Its series finale had every quality most people would expect and want, and while most of my favorite series finales don’t wrap everything up neatly, this one did so in a good, effective way. I do have that “one coupling in a TV friend group is enough” mindset, and I even thought that when I first watched the finale at 13, but I still wasn’t bothered by Rachel getting off the plane. Although, I cared more that it would be easier for Ross to see Emma than I did about his relationship with Rachel.

*Their willingness not to shy away from some of the more serious life events, obviously aside from the one I mentioned earlier in this note. The best example is when Monica and Chandler found out they probably couldn’t have children. This was one of the only times Chandler didn’t try to lighten the mood with a joke, because it was a big deal and had to be treated as such. Showing the difficulty of the adoption process added to this, because while I may not have personal experience in the matter (yet), I know it’s not easy.

*Alternatively, finding the humor in serious situations. Phoebe had a very disturbing past, but the way she talked about it so casually is still funny. No one’s laughing at her mom’s death (hopefully), but the show allows us to laugh at her willingness to joke about it...and use it to guilt-trip people into giving her what she wants.

*How quickly Chandler accepted his dad after going to his show. I don’t think his issues were ever with his dad being gay, but more that he left, and the person he left for also happened to be a man. Yes, there were jokes about his dad wearing dresses in public, but of course that bothered him as a child, because kids in elementary and middle school are mean and used that to make fun of him. Allowing himself to move past that and reconnect with his dad after years of not speaking was a great moment in the series, and again, wasn’t played as a joke. Something funny probably happened immediately after that, but the moment itself was taken seriously.

*So many things are still relatable. The struggles of finding a job, eventually finding a new job you really love, finding meaningful romantic relationships (for those of you who are interested in those), etc. will always be relevant. Watching Rachel’s journey from someone who still relied on her parents’ money to someone with enough financial independence has a lot more meaning to me now than it did when the show first aired.

*Going back to Ross being jealous and controlling, I like that Rachel got mad and called him out instead of immediately forgiving him because it meant that he cares about her. His actions may have made the audience laugh, but he still didn’t get away with it.

*Despite the lack of non-white characters, the few interracial relationships just were. Julie happened to be Asian and Charlie happened to be black, and no one made a thing out of it.

*All six characters have both flattering and not so flattering qualities, and you never doubt that they genuinely care about each other. I don’t think I need to elaborate any more.

Other random thoughts:

*I’m definitely the most like Phoebe, but I have Chandler’s sarcastic humor, as well as some aspects of Monica in the way I like some things organized.

*I want a CD of all of Phoebe’s songs. “Smelly Cat” is still better than the entire score to [show title redacted].

*A lot of cool celebrity cameos/guest stars, most of which are people I wouldn’t start recognizing until years later! (Hank Azaria, Jane Lynch, Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Ellen Pompeo, Ron Glass, Mae Whitman, and Danny DeVito, to name a few.)*I never watched Mad About You, but now that I know Ursula is a character on that show, I appreciate the cross-over.

*There’s a fan theory that Ross has Asperger’s, and I’m into it.

*Rachel ordering the lobster on her date with Joey was definitely a shout-out to “He’s her lobster” back in the second season, her getting sick from what she thought was the lobster was an indication that they didn’t belong together, and her getting sick right before she has an affair with him in the alternate universe episode proves that even more (shout-out to my friend Tracy for bringing that last part to my attention), and nothing will convince me otherwise.

*To help myself ease out of the withdrawal, I started watching Joey. It’s not as bad as I remember people saying it was, but...it’s not that good. With the exception of Joey, the characters are pretty one-dimensional, and a lot of the jokes feel forced. The fact that I only remembered two things from the show (memorizing a monologue but performing it at the wrong play, and presenting an award to the wrong person YEARS BEFORE STEVE HARVEY DID IT) says a lot about its quality. As much as I love Joey, I think the wrong friend got the spin-off. The one I’d really like to see is about Phoebe’s life before she met the rest of the group. Just like she always does, she’d be able to find the humor even in the toughest of times, and I think it would be a very interesting story.

*I still hear, “we’d come up to poop in your ear” instead of, “your week, your month, or even your year,” despite knowing better.

*They were most definitely, without a single doubt, on a break.

So parts of Friends didn’t age well, but 10-20 years from now, we’ll be saying the same thing about beloved TV shows from this decade. And in my personal opinion, the parts that did age well outweigh the parts that didn’t, which is why I love it just as much now as I did back then. I’m thrilled that after all these years, it’s still there for me, like it’s been there before.

[brokehorrorfan]

Blu-ray Review: Warlock Collection

The Warlock trilogy is an interesting one in that every entry is essentially its own standalone film. Each one puts a unique spin on the same concept, involving an evil Warlock from the 17th century time traveling to the present. The franchise launched with Warlock in 1989, followed by Warlock: The Armageddon in 1993, and culminating with Warlock III: The End of Innocence in 1999. All three films are now available in a Blu-ray box set from Lionsgate as part of the Vestron Video Collector’s Series.

Looking back at the original Warlock, it's a bit surprising that it launched a franchise. Although perfectly enjoyable, it's not a particularly memorable effort. Director Steve Miner (Halloween H20, Friday the 13th Parts 2 & III) and writer David Twohy (Pitch Black, The Fugitive) put a genre twist on a fish-out-of-water setup with a film that evokes The Terminator and Highlander. Although released internationally in 1989, it didn't open in the US until 1991; New World Pictures had filed for bankruptcy and Timark Pictures eventually picked up the rights. It was only a modest success in its limited theatrical run, but it went on to do well on home video.

The film opens in Boston, Massachusetts, 1691, when an evil warlock (Julian Sands, Arachnophobia) narrowly escapes his execution with the aid of Satan himself. He's transported to the present day, crash-landing in the Los Angeles home of Kassandra (Lori Singer, Footloose) three centuries later. He's soon followed through the time portal by witch hunter Giles Redferne (Richard E. Grant, Bram Stoker's Dracula).

The warlock is attempting to collect three parts of an ancient book at the behest of Satan, the reward for which is being named the all-powerful "one begotten son." Kassandra and Redferne must team up and follow him across the country to bring an end to the evil and return to their normal lives. Ham-handed comedy and budding romance ensue between the free-spirited modern chick and the straight-laced traditional man.

The tone is an uneven mix of action/adventure, fantasy, horror, and comedy, leaning more toward the former genres than the latter. I wouldn't classify the film as an outright comedy, but it has a healthy sense of humor, ineffective as it may be. In addition to the humor inherent in a fish-out-of-water tale, there are moments of camp and slapstick comedy, though they rarely land. I'm surprised the slasher angle wasn't played up more, especially considering Miner's strong background in the genre.

Warlock was reportedly New World's most expensive production at the time, but the concept is still bigger than the budget would allow. Although it has a couple of cool set pieces, it's one of those movies that played better as a kid, as it looks rather cheap to adult eyes. When the warlock curses Kassandra to age 20 years a day, for example, she simply slaps on a wig and some light old-age makeup as if she's a Saturday Night Live character (though this is reportedly due to Singer not wanting to undergo more makeup).

Singer is grating in the lead role, but Sands and Grant's commitment to the lunacy make the film worthwhile. B-movie darling Mary Woronov (The House of the Devil) steals the scene in which she appears as a kooky psychic. Kevin O'Brien plays Kassandra's gay roommate, quite an about-face from his role as a biker gang member in Miner's Friday the 13th Part III. Kay E. Kuter (The Last Starfighter), Ian Abercrombie (Army of Darkness), and Anna Levine (The Crow) briefly pop up as well.

The talent behind the camera is even more impressive, even beyond Miner and Twohy. Jerry Goldsmith (Alien, The Omen) composed an effective and memorable score, though the theme is repeated quite a bit throughout the film. David Eggby (Mad Max) serves as cinematographer. Carl Fullerton and Neal Martz (The Silence of the Lambs) heads the special effects. The practical effects look good, while the visual effects suffer.

Miner has recorded a new audio commentary, during which he confesses he hasn't seen the movie in a long time and never watched the sequels. He also admits and takes responsibility for the film's faults, like the flying scenes, and occasionally questions if the audience is able to follow the story. Additionally, he sits down for a video interview, which features a lot of overlap with the stories he tells on the commentary. But fans will be happy to have him participating in the extras, as he has been involved in so many cult classics yet is rarely heard from.

Sands is the subject of a 25-minute interview, beginning with his early days as an actor in Richard III, which went on to inform his performance as the warlock. He reveals that Sean Connery nearly played Redferne, which would have really elevated the film. He discusses both the original Warlock and its first sequel, in which he also appears - so I suggest waiting to watch this special feature until after you see Part 2. He was approached for the third film, but found the script "feeble," yet he remains open to returning to the franchise if the script lives up.

Fullerton and Martz discuss the special effects. Fullerton dishes on the "disastrous" old age makeup, citing the fact that Singer didn't want to wear the more elaborate prosthetic they had planned. He remains dumbfounded by the film's success. Archival extras include: behind-the-scenes footage, interview segments with cast and crew, vintage featurettes on the make-up effects and visual effects, two trailers, TV spots, and a still gallery.

Despite Sands reprising his titular role, Warlock: The Armageddon is essentially a reboot of the original film. introducing a different, overly-complicated mythology. Despite only having a fraction of the budget granted to the first Warlock, the sequel puts every cent on the screen. It boasts a larger scope, complete with a bigger cast, more varied locations, and much better special effects.

Rather than travel through time, the warlock (Sands) is literally birthed into the modern world - in what is perhaps the franchise's most memorable scene. Now known as the son of Satan, the warlock has six days to obtain sacred stones scattered across the country in order to unleash the devil on Earth. Kenny Travis (Chris Young, The Great Outdoors) finds himself responsible to stop the impending armageddon upon learning that he is a druid warrior with Jedi-like powers destined to protect earth from evil.

Unlike the first film, The Armageddon really embraces the horror elements, complete with cool creatures and gooey practical effects. Warlock is painted as more of a loquacious slasher villain that toys with his victims, and Sands proves that he's worthy of being mentioned in the same breath as the likes of Pinhead and Wishmaster. He's eager to dispose of anyone who gets in his way, resulting in some creative kills.

The script - written by Sam Bernard (Rad) and Kevin Rock (Howling VI: The Freaks) - suffers from pacing issues, such as a melodramatic subplot involving Kevin's relationship woes with his girlfriend (Paula Marshall, Cheaper by the Dozen). Director Anthony Hickox (Warlock, Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth) is the film's saving grace, with his signature sense of humor a welcome addition to the proceedings. His bonkers sensibilities play a lot better than the first film's broad approach and limp attempts at levity, helping to make Warlock: The Armageddon a rare sequel that's more entertaining than its predecessor.

The only new extra is an audio commentary by Hickox, who begins by stating that the film is "not one of my proudest moments." While it may not be a highlight of his filmography, there's plenty to be proud of, and he goes on to share several fond memories. A vintage making-of featurette (complete with cheesy "testimonials" from people who have encountered a warlock) and extended interview snippets from the same session are also included, along with the trailer, TV spots, and a still gallery.

The good news is that Warlock III: The End of Innocence is a straight horror movie. The bad news is that it's a terrible one. The Armageddon may have ignored the mythology established in the first film and adopted a different tone, but it still felt like a Warlock movie. The End of Innocence, however, does not. Like several later entries in popular horror franchises, it seems like they took an existing, unrelated script and shoehorned in the warlock character to exploit a marketable title on video store shelves.

The picture's low budget is apparent from the very beginning, with its 1673 New England period opening set in the woods rather than a village - saving money at the expense of production value. Cut to present day, where we meet college student Kris Miller (Ashley Laurence, Hellraiser). She learns that she has inherited an old house that has been in family for hundreds of years. The convinces a group of friends to join her in exploring the abode, where creepy things occur.

Succumbing to all the pitfalls of late-'90s direct-to-video horror flicks, the film embodies a time when going straight to DVD was synonymous with bad, low budget movies. It reeks of its time in style, tone, editing, and effects; the latter is doubly insulting after the previous installment's charming practical effects work. The script, penned by director Eric Freiser and Bruce David Eisen, is riddled with overwrought exposition attempting to explain the mess of supernatural nonsense.

With big shoes to fill, Bruce Payne (Dungeons & Dragons) brings a bit of charisma to the role of the warlock, but he lacks the charm of Sands' portrayal. It's nice to see Laurence in a rare non-Hellraiser leading role, but she's forced to recite some horrid dialogue. And, as lovely as she is, she's a bit old to play a rambunctious college teen. The same can be said of Rick Hearst (Brain Damage), who plays a sadomasochist. Robin Boti Bliss (CSI: Miami) is a highlight as a modern witch.

Understandably, no new special features were produced for this entry, but it does carry a whopping 43 minutes of archival interviews with the cast and crew, along with behind-the-scenes footage, the trailer, a promo video, and a still gallery.

Warlock is an unlikely franchise that had no business receiving any sequels, yet it spawned Warlock: The Armageddon, which is arguably superior to the original. Even the low point of Warlock III: The End of Innocence has its charms, particularly looking back with modern eyes. The series is reminiscent of the Wishmaster franchise - a box set of which was also recently released in the Vestron Video line - in sensibility, quality, and trajectory. All the films look and sound great in high-definition, so I suggest picking up both sets and binge-watching them, and hopefully one day Lionsgate will give us the crossover movie we deserve.

Warlock Collection is available now on Blu-ray via Lionsgate.

[darringauthier]

Marlowe (1969)

Genre: Mystery 

Who’s In It: James Garner, Gayle Hunnicutt, Carroll O’Oconnor, Rita Moreno, Sharon Farrell, William Daniels, Bruce Lee

Who Directed It: Paul Bogart

Plot:  A young woman from Kansas hires LA private detective Philip Marlowe to find her missing brother.

Running Time:  96 Minutes 

IMDB Score: 6.4

Why I Watched It: I’m a sucker for a private eye movie and just look at that cast.

How I Watched It: TCM

Random Thoughts: ow this doesn’t count as a classic review or Darrin’s cache as I think this is the first time I’ve seen this film all the way through.  It’s odd cause when I was younger I tried to watch every private eye film that had been made, now I think I’ve seen parts cause I do remember Bruce Lee but sitting down and watching it I realized if I had seen Marlowe I don’t remember it at all.

Also how cool is having Jim Rockford and Archie Bunker in a movie together,  now both actors are thought of has huge TV stars but both especially Garner also had really good film careers. 

What I Liked: First off James Garner is so cool in this and really I do think he’s a very underrated movie star and actor, he was good looking and also a good actor but he had charisma and an easy charm, he was plain out likable.  Now when you think of the character of Marlowe has written by Raymond Chandler and filmed many times he’s hard boiled but Garner plays him, yes you guessed it very charming, smart but also a step behind.

It’s deal with the plot, as almost every Chandler plot is Marlowe is very complicated and a very twisty tale, seedy and of course full of bad people but interesting of course.  Look at that plot summary, so simple, of course it’s way more than that and Marlowe has to figure it all out and of course go through all these very different characters.  Most of which he can’t or won’t trust.

Bottom line this was a fun little mystery, this is a middle of the road film not great but better than you would think and I think better than it’s reputation.  This film is mostly forgotten, it’s slight but well made and it’s carried by Garner, shout out to Rita Moreno who kind of does a femme fatale role here, she’s amazing and a different role for her.  William Daniels has a very good cameo and has great chemistry with Garner.  Bruce Lee isn’t in it much but of course he’s Bruce Lee, the scene where he destroys Marlowe office is great.

The mystery is one of those that is really straight forward but told in  very convoluted way,  liked the ending it made sense and it kept you wondering.

What I Didn’t Like: It’s a movie from 1969 so it’s dated, some of it very eye rolling and I think the only fault with the film is in it’s direction, it’s workmanlike but nothing special  You could argue it looks too good for this kind of film, it’s not dark and brooding even though the material is, so tone wise it’s a little off.

Final Thoughts: This is my old school wheelhouse and I enjoyed it, it’s just over 90 minutes and it’s a quick and fun detective story.

Rating: 7/10

[devilishdewitt]

The 2019 Moscow Burlesque Festival

Oh my.

First things first, the most important part of any review I shall ever write:

~The Eternal Disclaimer~

It is hereby declared that this little nook of the world wide web shall be devoted to the praise & critique of the art of Burlesque, specifically in Russia.

Let it also be known that I am first and foremost a benevolent force, and every single criticism is documented solely for the purpose of evolution, growth and inspiration, darling.

Never forget - it is fantastic that the burlesque scene in Russia has grown so much in the last few years. Brava, ladies! As a fact and a statement, it is absolutely fabulous.

However, I volunteer to wear the heavy crown of expertise, having seen many a show in many a place, and having a keen eye for detail and a heart hungry for that wow factor.

I always come with an open heart, am quite easily entertained, and know how hard the craft is - I can overlook many a fault when there’s stage presence, charisma and that fire of passion.

Oh, and self-irony.

All is sickly without self-irony.

Now, onwards! To fabulousness!

The Moscow Burlesque Festival is an annual event that began in 2018.

It is organised by Lyalya Bezhetskaya, a legend of Russian burlesque (it is widely acknowledged that she is responsible for bringing the genre into Russia in 2006, after studying in London) and Alexandra (Leela) Zharkaya, who is a director and a writer.

The theme of the 2019 festival was “History of Burlesque/Feminine Sexuality through history”, 1899-2019.

The organisers have announced that they wish to move away from the usual classic structure of a festival in favour of a more theatrical approach - have a storyline, not just a succession of acts.

The place of action was the fabulous Moscow Hippodrome, specifically it’s “Astoria” restaurant.

My story shall be divided into three parts, beginning with

HEAVEN

What was great about this event?

First of all, THE VENUE. It was simply sumptuous. Everything, from the name to the location, every single interior (apart from the bathrooms, perhaps, but that is of little importance) was oozing with promise of glamour.

The stage was of an inspiring size and seemed quite well-equipped for such a performance. The waiters were an absolute delight - the uniforms and hair-styles were at times more exciting than those of the performers, and their kind and slightly sly attitudes made the prolonged waiting time fly by.

THE GATHERING OF THE GUESTS was also done well. The welcome hall featured a small number of stands (soft, simple, almost minimal lingerie, gorgeous accessories and a variety of headpieces). Though scaling down from last years bazaar, it was still dainty and delightful. The display of curious dresses proved to be a fruitful topic of conversation, and the champagne pyramid was a lovely touch.

THE LECTURE about the history of lingerie was superb - I could listen to Megan Virtanen all day long. It was truly splendidly educational and entertaining in the most classy, intellectual way.

It was quite curious to see the performers roam freely during the guest arrivals. To see their immaculate costumes up close…what a treat! Lyalya Bezhetskaya, mistress of the evening, looked particularly breathtaking, and her dignified opening speech was full of poise and class.

Also worth mentioning are the illustrations for the festival - the logo & the set of postcards are absolutely brilliant. The style of drawing is very elegant, and every single lady from those postcards is an inspiration!

Kitty Orlova’s Jazz Band accompanied all acts 1899 to 1959, and goodness me were they spectacular. The idea itself is absolutely genius and was executed with charming efficiency. Excellent musicians!

The Marshmallows, a retro-style singing trio responsible for the music break, are a gift to this world and to Moscow in particular. Impeccable singing, impeccable style, impeccable attitude. The dancers (The Jiving Rockets) that graced the stage during their performance moved with such ease, joy and class…that whole performance was a dream come true for this little retro snob.

As for the performances, I have my own holy trinity of divinity.

Katerina Sahara, Tamasinushka & Xana Martin.

Katerina was responsible for bringing the 30’s to life, and oh dear God it was extraordinary. To be quite frank, dear reader, it was everything I ever want to see in a classical burlesque act. Who knew that the goddess of twerk would embody a thirties diva with such ease? She did it like a natural - from the mood through the tight curl of her hair and to those eyebrows (which are very hard to pull off, darling). Brava, immaculate.

You might remember my main critique of Tamasinushka - self-indulgence without a shade of irony, a confidence that turns sour. Boy did she prove me wrong! Something clicked for her that night and the results were breathtaking. Could not take my eyes off her - she uncovered a tenderness and fragility that immediately elevated her to greatness. Appearing in the end of the show, she was The Ultimate Embodiment of Burlesque, one might suspect? (as you might understand, dear reader, it was not quite clear). Whatever she was, she was a feast for the eyes.

Xana Martin was a stand-out for me last year, and I couldn’t wait to see what she would do this year. She did not disappoint! Representing the 90’s, she brought her own fire and gorgeous skills and married them beautifully with the aesthetic. Queen of the Night indeed! You can see that she LIVES on stage, and that passion is contagious. Electrifying performer!

However, we do also have....

LIMBO

Regretfully, there was a bit of tension before the start of the show.

As guests were taking their places in the main auditorium, they were informed that a deposit must paid for the services of the restaurant. That is in every way to be expected and all tickets did specify that this will be the case.

However, an exact sum was demanded - and it was the same as the ticket price.

Many people have expressed their surprise and inability to pay the full sum (it was a slightly-higher-than-average price tag for most table seats).

It was Lyalya herself who came to speak to each confused customer, and once again, her grace and poise were on point.

However, the situation progressed and Ms Bezhetskaya appeared on stage, and began to address the issue without the aid of a microphone. The speech was a perfect example of passive-aggressive, we even got a treat of a threat - “the festival will not begin until everyone has paid some sum of money. Or shall we all just cancel it right now?”.

The situation had to be addressed, of course - but not by Lyalya.  A Queen must have her loyal subjects - her mastery lies also in the ability to delegate, to wisely guide and trust. Unfortunately, this incident brought the mood down (which could’ve been resolved with a good warm-up!) and it seemed to stiffen Lyalya herself up - somehow all her numbers seemed impeccably rehearsed, but rather lifeless. And I don’t mean in an ethereal, dreamingly detached way - unfortunately, I mean in a distracted way.

Also, let me tell you about a lady that I find to be incredibly captivating -

 Kitty Orlova.

She is a vision and a titanic talent, but her presence went somewhat amiss.

She had two acts in the very beginning of the show, singing and undressing.

The first was the opening song explaining the premise of the story, the second one was her being a museum statue that comes to life.

Orlova is star material, but it feels as if she wasn’t given a chance to shine.

I couldn’t help but wonder, why is she in a creative union with Bezhetskaya? I’m not sure it does her justice.

The story that was chosen for the narrative of this event was a clear echo of last year - Lyalya’s fiancee comes to see her perform, is shocked by the fact that she’s undressing and breaks the engagement. She answers by cursing  him - I mean, literally casting a curse - he shall fall helplessly in love with performing beauties only to be ignored by them.

The curse will last a 100 years.

Which leads us straight to….

HELL

How did Zharkaya & Bezhetskaya, the infamous duo, sabotage a nearly foolproof idea?

I’m afraid that style plays a crucial part here. Style, or lack of thereof.

However, style is an extremely touchy and subjective topic, so I shall begin with more objective points.

1) Lack of proper introduction, aka NO WARM-UP.

If you are a seasoned admirer of the art of the tease, dear reader - or, in fact, if you’ve been to a single proper Burlesque show - actually, to any live performance of anything ever — you know that the relationship between audience & performer is crucial. In Burlesque this connection is especially vital, as a good cheer elevates both the (perhaps somewhat awkward) spectator and the performer (who by their nature crave reaction, it is their stage fuel).  

So when the audience at this so-called festival received NO warm-up whatsoever, what followed? Awkward silences. I heard and saw a few single enthusiasts let out an occasional cheer-and-clap, but they were met with icy stares of misunderstanding from the frozen, confused crowd.

2) No act introduction.

I find this especially surprising, since Miss Lyalya herself specifies on her Facebook page that amongst the things of outmost importance to her is the way she’s announced. “The right presentation creates the required, necessary aura around any performer, but especially - the Queen of Burlesque”. (She does specify that the title has a tinge of irony, even though it did not shine through on this particular night).

The ladies simply appeared on stage, accompanied by change of background projection and a scene with the male protagonist (the cursed one).

In the very end, the actor did attempt to introduce each performer, but was drowned out by the music…clearly the sound engineer was as confused as most attendees.

As there was no programme, the only way to find out who you saw on stage was either to come up and ask or use the internet.

Both are bearable, but still - the fact that there was no proper announcement is simply disrespectful.

3) Every story told through male presence.

The actor (Maxim Loginov) was on stage most of the time.

What was he doing? Ogling.

Ogling.

Honestly, for what purpose?

This is 2019, ladies. Surely the story of feminine sexuality can be told without the aid of a male protagonist.

Perhaps if it were done more tastefully, it would work better, but here it simply looked clumsy.

Which naturally leads us to the two main problems.

First of all, it was not a festival, and not a burlesque one, either.

Was it a show? Of course!

But clearly the premise of creation was not that of a festival - which is perfectly fine, just don’t call it a festival, darling!

There is a reason why the classic approach became a classic - because it works!

A festival is a showcase of talent, a wider view on a topic that unites those who might feel the need to be in opposition. It’s a place of connection, expansion and exchange.

And this grudge-holding/envy-drinking/unhealthy competition air in the community is not doing any one any favours.

Furthermore, most of the acts had nothing to do with Burlesque.

Pregnant tribal dance by Armata Hari? Captivating! But what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Attitude walking and whip-handling by Fetish Mari? Juicy! What’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Half-naked & lazing around high on a hazy stage? My Tuesday morning, honey, but what’s it got to do with Burlesque? (and what a waste of the playful genius that is KittenTits McGee!)

Prancing around in your own space-age fantasy? Well, why not, but what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Expert blade skills by Tamara Skarzhinsky? Breathtaking! But what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Mia Zarring, a sumptuous DJ? Fantastic!  But what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Can this show exist? Of course it can!

If it were simply “the exploration of female sexuality on stage, 1899-2019”, it would be a completely different story. A variety of genres would be welcomed!

But what’s the point of calling an event “The Moscow Burlesque Festival” and not giving Burlesque itself enough attention?

However, even that is not the biggest issue I had with the event.

I’m afraid that he ultimate description for this creation would be two words.

Tone. Deaf.

The line between vulgar and vivacious in Burlesque is a tricky thing, but it does exist.

It was simply quite poorly written, and some creative decisions were plainly crass.

From the aforementioned man (the actor is perfectly fine, it’s the circumstances he was put in and the way he was directed that’s problematic), a white Josephine Baker number (with the talents of the brilliant Ellisha Fox completely misused. He is surely NOT an accessory to Leela’s cold dancing), to Lyalya’s army number which shocked me quite horribly. War as entertainment? Throwing a grenade at the audience? I understand the playful, metaphorical subtext that was, perhaps, (hopefully!) intended, but it looked vulgar.

But nothing was as vulgar as the final kiss between producer and director…completely uncalled for, painfully serious, it had the aesthetic value of pretentiously cheap, lifeless porn.

Rueful.

Although, what can you expect from a director who blatantly announces this in her festival promoting video:

“I am an actress of eccentric burlesque. Do you know what eccentric burlesque is? It’s when during my act I will have sex with men...women...leopards...bananas...and so on. Come.”

Needless to say, this crass formula has nothing at all to do with Burlesque.

Oh good Lord, and that poor stage kitten’s styling…for what sins must she suffer so?…

It goes without saying that we should have an array of different styles and approaches, and comparisons are a sickly business. However, a painfully clear parallel comes to mind almost instantly.

While Pavlova declares “Down with the patriarchy” with elegant defiance, Bezhetskaya seems stuck within the limits of her disastrous “School of Burlesque” online series (shockingly vulgar, and not in an exciting, tingly way).

I’m afraid that events like this are the reason why so many people still associate the fine art of Burlesque with vulgarity.  ✶✶

THE FINALE

But there is a solution. In fact, a glorious one.

The creation of a truly splendid festival - in the full sense of the word.

Russia is blessed with an extraordinary kaleidoscope of burlesque enthusiasts.

Unite Pavlova, Gajndr, Shpiller, Bezhetskaya and put on a remarkable feast of talent.

How’s that for a spectacular challenge?

[myrelevantwriting-blog]

The Wild, 18-Minute Ride That Is Daydream Believer: A Review by a Former Teenaged Girl

Every generation has its “coming of age” movie: the movie that sees its main character through the naivety of adolescence to a catalyst that makes them realize they’re *gasp* growing up. The ‘70s had American Graffiti, the ‘80s had The Breakfast Club, the early ‘90s gave us the tearjerker My Girl (I’m still holding that vigil for Thomas J). All of these films had characters nearly everyone could identify with. Maybe you were the Cameron to your best friend’s Ferris Bueller. Perhaps you knew exactly what Jim Stark’s deal was in Rebel Without A Cause.

But then, in 1998 came a little known short film with a character so damn relatable it brings up memories you thought you buried so deep in the soil of your brain, it could only be unearthed by years of intense therapy.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Daydream Believer!

Let me start off by saying when my friend Rosie posted this movie to her blog I had no clue what the hell I was getting into. The 1970s film grain and the awkward silence (save for the chirping birds) when we meet our homegirl Susan made me half-expect one of those “What’s Happening to my Body?” filmstrips they made us watch in the 4th grade.

“Are you there, God? It’s me, Susan. All my friends are getting their periods except me. What have I done to anger you so?”

Right away we know Susan is different. She does weird things like…walking (especially when she has a perfectly good Schwinn on the front porch).

God, look at this freak.

“Look at her using her legs for non-jump-rope purposes like a fuckin’ loser.”

So it turns out that Susan’s a loner because she’s always daydreaming about her fab marvy crush…because she’s 11 and this is what 11-year-olds do: daydreaming and hurrying home and catch her fave rave on TV.

To be honest I was expecting it to be Davy Jones...the pirate, not the Monkee.

Yeah, Little Susie’s got fuzzy feelings for Mike Nesmith of the Monkees, to the chagrin of her concerned-yet-not-concerned-enough-to-actually-talk-to-their-kid parents. Susan’s mom is looking at her daughter like she didn’t wet herself over Sinatra back in her day.  I mean, Susan can’t be that obsessed, though. She’s only got like, one album and a single pinup on her wall like she’s some kind of amateur. And she’s pretty reserved in her screaming at the TV so that’s considerate of her.

Her disappointment over lack of mammaries perfectly mimics Mike’s face which in turn perfectly mimics how I feel about this movie so far.

The film then takes somewhat of a weird turn and becomes from here on out a wild rollercoaster ride of “What the actual fuck?” We take a journey into Susan’s brain as she sees herself as a 45 year-old woman teenager, getting ready for her date with-…oh my God.

YOU DON’T SAY

I’m somewhat flabbergasted by their casting decision to go with a paunchy, late-30s Ashkenazi Mike Nesmith but whatever. I’m not gonna judge Susan. She’s 11. When I was 11 I wanted to hang out with Gabe Kaplan circa ‘75. It’s a weird age.

So after her date with Mack Nussbaum we find Susan back at school, going for one of her weird daydream walks and completely oblivious to a group of bitches talkin’ shit behind her back.

“I bet she doesn’t even listen to the Banana Splits. Dweeb.”

“Joke’s on you! Me and Marc Nesbitt are gonna go closed-mouth kiss behind the JFK Memorial Tree. Hope I don’t get pregnant!”

I’m not even going to comment on this next scene. There’s nothing I can add to how utterly perfect it is in its understanding of the pre-teen girl’s brain so I’m just gonna let the caps do the talking.

But trouble rears its ugly head in the form of Susan’s teacher, glaring at her disapprovingly and telling her she’s “a much better writer than this [homework],” before proving this to be a bold-faced lie as we cut to a scene in which Susan writes in her diary:

Mike is so beautiful. He has lovely brown eyes. His hair is so soft and silky. I want to run my fingers through his beautiful hair. He has a sweet Texas accent that is so beautiful to listen to. I could listen to him read a book for hours and hours. He’s divine enchanting!!!

This nonsense reads like a 1st grade primer. Girl, I know you’re 11 but this is clearly not your first day at the Mike Nesmith Rodeo. This should all have been covered on page one.

Also, I hope Susan asked for a thesaurus for Christmas. 

So homegirl’s studies are suffering because she can’t keep her mind out of Mike’s pants and daydreaming about going on a romp with Mork Nerfherder to the song Papa Gene’s Blues. As you do…

“Whatchu thinkin’ about?” “Oh nothing…just statutory stuff.”

…that is until your cockblock of a teacher calls you out for not paying attention and embarrasses you in front of the entire class (a situation I knew all too well, so I actually empathize with her here). Susan goes home to complain to Raggedy Anne and delve into yet another daydream in which Mike takes her home to meet “the guys.” Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what small town community theater actors they got to play the Monk-…..wait what?

They look as confused as I do right now.

After an awkward introduction to the roommates (we’ve all been there. College, amirite?!) Murk and Susan go up to Mulk’s room…

I’m suddenly feeling rather uncomfortable and it’s not for the severed clown head in the corner.

…where Malk puts on bossa nova music and they start making out…

Oh my God, No….

NO!!!

NONONONONONONONONO!

YOU’RE GONNA CUT BACK TO THE CHILD ACTRESS AND MAKE THIS MORE AWKWARD THAN IT IS?! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Those lines under Raggedy’s eyes are from all the internal screaming.

No…………………….this is not how I wanted to die.

OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN HALLOWED BE THY NAME….

…AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH….

HAS THIS BEEN A PORNO THE ENTIRE TIME?!

BRB SETTING MYSELF ON FIRE…

There isn’t a word for how unnerved I am right now, so I’m just going to make one up. I am extremely floopnozzled, I am totally and immensely…wait a second…

As I breathe a gargantuan sigh of relief, Bra-vo!

After Susan has finished violating her poor Raggedy Anne doll, her dad barges into her room and in a very ominous voice says they need to talk.

The clown in the back but on a brave smile but what his eyes have seen cannot be unseen.

They go to a parent-teacher conference to talk about Susan’s failing schoolwork and conclude it’s Mike’s fault, so they ban her from the living room and the TV. And for whatever reason I don’t quite understand, there’s a scene where Susan has to listen to her parents bone on the couch. I guess as part of her punishment? I dunno.

Girl, same.

EDIT: @legrandennui has informed me that it’s possible the voices she’s hearing aren’t her parents but her daydreams distracting her again. I still think it’s the parents, though.

And even though her parents think she’s obsessed with Mike and forbid her from watching The Monkees, her enabling Mom comes home from the grocery store and gives her flowering junkie a hit of the hard stuff via Teen Life magazine with the Monkees on the cover. I heard this was how Sid Vicious died.

At first Susan is overjoyed, until slowly her smile fades as she reads an article. She storms off into her room and screams at her magazine “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE MARRIED?!”

Lol wut? Child, where have you been? How are you going to be all up on Mike’s dick but not know anything about him beyond his brown eyes and silken hair? That’s like, page 1 in How to Obsess.

So we get one last daydream sequence in which Susan tells Mike she’s leaving him because she’s grown and wants to move on…

…which I guess in this case means getting back to her schoolwork and keeping her grades up…amongst other things.

“Wait, does this mean Shatner doesn’t make her want to bone? Is that the lesson here?”- @legrandennui

I’ve watched a lot of movies about adolescence in my years but this was the first one I’ve seen that had perfectly nailed it in terms of being a young girl with a fave rave. I had gone through nearly everything in this movie: the nonstop daydreams, the constant writing about the object of my surging hormonal lust, not paying attention in school, the concerned look from my parents, and I’m not ashamed to admit my pillow had gotten the Raggedy Anne treatment. My room was a bit more intense than that, pin-up wise but I can’t imagine they had a lot to dress the set with in 1998. This was like looking straight into my own past and as uncomfortable as it was to see what I was like from a 3rd party view, I have to say at the same time it’s incredibly amusing to watch someone flip out over a teen idol while sitting back with a knowing, sympathetic nod. 

If you want to watch the film it’s here on Youtube.

[ettadunham]

I'm Italian. I have a friend from Sicily who has dark curly hair, brown eyes and brown skin (even in winter). He speaks in a very thick Sicilian accent and I never thought he was anything BUT 100% Italian. Turns out he is actually from Brazil and was adopted when he was two. This is to say that most of the time you can't tell latinx, hispanics and italians apart. And asking for proof of someone's genealogy is SO gross, when Floriana is clearly dark-skinned. [1]

With all this I’m not saying that brown people are interchangable (the same way Asian people aren’t). But Hollywood keeps doing that. Jamie Chung is Korean and has played Japanese and Chinese characters. Is it her fault? No. Is it the system’s? Yes. ScarJo’s shit of playing a Japanese character is a different story, because she is OBVIOUSLY white and could have any white lead role in Hollywood. Actresses like Floma & Jamie don’t have the same luxury, because of type-cast. [2] And with this I’m done: WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN BALDONI. Who plays a character who is explicitly latinx in a venezuelan telenovela-type of show where 90% of the cast is in fact supposed to be latinx? I feel like this crusade about Floriana started more because a straight white shipper pissed at S*nvers decided to stalk her family and gave tumblr a reason to start the Problematic Discourse, which got WAY out of control. [3] Also just wanted to say you don’t have to answer publicly to my messages, because it could get you backlash and I totally undestand if you don’t want to 👌🏻 I just wanted to share my two cents with you, because I was glad somebody said what I was thinking… sorry for the spam as well. Have a nice day  [4/over]

I’m just going to leave this here, because honestly, I’m not sure I could or should add anything more. Like I said, I have zero real insight, but I wish people would just listen to this side of this whole ~argument~ as well.

And lol, yeah, I’m just hoping that since I’m not a popular blog or anything, I’ll avoid a shitstorm just by posting this. Honestly, I don’t want to get into this more than that, I probably read all the arguments at this point, and I accept that I’m just not gonna get it on some level, I just want people to understand the issues with this whole ~discourse~ that seem obvious to me.

((With Baldoni, yeah, I’m pretty sure that no one talked this much about his casting back in the day, but I also have to give props to JtV for course correcting, because they not only established that his character has a different mom than Yara Martinez’s character, but [SPOILER] recently they also tied his actual ethnicity into his character arc))