#not me having a hyper active mood yet also anxious-
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relianascara · 10 months ago
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Holy....hahah, not a NPC okay prince of chalk, I take your challenge to not simp(I'm scared 😭)
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EBG PLAYERS & BIASES
format : url | original bias | ebg bias
@jingyuansbird | alhaitham | lumine
@dumbificat | neuvillette | chef mao
@dxy-drxxm | venti | ferrylady
@rainswept | lyney | verr goldet
@abyssmal-skies | ayaka | jean
@realkavehgf | kaveh | lyney
@staretes | kazuha | navia
@meidnightrain | venti | cyrus
@addictedtoreverse1999 | layla | lynette
@sleepypengwin | lyney | kaeya
@ryuryuryuyurboat | kaeya | neuvillette
@risustravelogue | wriothesley | itto
@xcyphoz0a | tighnari | liben
@the-white-void | neuvillette | venti
@mikudoodles | lyney | mona
@crystalflygeo | zhongli | kazuha
@relianascara | wanderer | albedo
@i-probably-sleep-too-much | heizou | baiwen
@faesther | xiao | aether
@chaoffee | venti | eula
@haliyamori | navia | augustus lovelace
@moonltwltz | alhaitham | yelan
@starglitterz | xiao | baizhu
@snobwaffles | wriothesley | bruneau
@tokyodriftt | kokomi | ganyu
@cerberuscaeli | wriothesley | amir
@kazumist | alhaitham | lisa
the game will start on the 19th of january, 9:30pm, gmt +8.
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lavenderjacobs · 4 years ago
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fluff alphabet - Sapnap
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➳ wc; 2,1K (she’s a long one lol)  ➳ pronouns; gender neutral<3 ➳ song reccomendation; heart eyes - coin
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A=Attractive (What do they find most attractive in a partner?)
nick’s an ass guy and you can’t convince me otherwise. he’s also just loves your thighs and your stomach. he loves how soft your skin is, and how good you smell. whenever he’s sad he just rests his head on your stomach while you tangle you fingers in his hair. 
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B=Best memory (Their favourite memory of you)
he cherishes your first kiss so much. he just has such a soft spot for that memory. the moment he finally found out you felt the same about him, the moment he finally found out what your lips against his felt like. it’s just something he had looked forward to for forever, and to him, it was perfect. 
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C=Cuddles  (What type of cuddles do they like?)
sapnap is a WHORE for cuddles. if it where up to him, you two would just lay in bed all day, tangled in each other’s arms. after a long day, he just wants to hold his favourite person and fall asleep with them, so he just wraps his arms around your waist while he uses your chest as a pillow. but if he’s in a chatty mood, he’ll just talk your ears off, ranting about something he finds interesting, while you’re all snuggled up in the crook between his neck and shoulder. 
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D=Dirty mind (Do they have a dirty mind?)
I mean, come on. it’s sapnap. we all know he does. he gets *excited* very easily, which can sometimes get in the way when you two are just trying to cuddle. he just has such a soft spot for your body and has to have his way with you once certain ideas have entered his mind. 
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E=Effort (How much effort do they put in the relationship?)
nick would definitely try his best. honestly you don't care if his plans actually turn out the way he intented them to, it's the thought that counts. and nick knows that. but theres just something about you that makes him want to spoil you and treat you like a princess. so prepare yourself for fancy dates, him making you your favorite food, all that type of stuff.
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F=First date (What was your first date together)
arcade date arcade date arcade date. sap is super competitive and I feel like he would thrive in an arcade. he would play it off like he was just trying to proof how good he was at the arcade games. but he'd just love to see how hard you would be trying to beat him. obviously he'd let you win a lot, and when he collected enough tickets, he would get you the biggest prize he could find.
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G=Gentle (How gentle are they with you?)
it....depends???? lmao. nick CAN be super gentle with you, he’s pretty protective of you and would never want you to get hurt, so he’s definitely very careful not to do anything to hurt you. but sometimes his instinct just kinda takes over and well, he can get pretty rough. 
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H=Hands (Do they have nice hands?)
hmmm nick has like,,very manly hands,, if you know what i mean. i dont know, they're just so rough but yet so pretty??? and they're like really big compared to yours so when he holds ur hand, yours looks so tiny in his. and omg he won't shut up about it. "LOOK AT YOUR HANDS THEY'RE SO SMALL🥺"
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I=Impression (What was their first impression?)
he just thought you were so ~cool~. like he immediately knew he wanted to be your friend. he was just so in awe of how funny, chill and charismatic you were. and it literally took two days for him to develop a crush on you. his friends would notice this right away and tease him about it so much omg.
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J=Jealousy (Do they get jealous often? If so what do they do?)
YUP. nick gets jealous so easy yup yup yup. jealousy, protectiveness, possessiveness, you name it. you two would often get in fights about this, but most of the time you would just think it’s cute how riled up he gets. he doesn’t get mad at you (because you’re his precious little baby and can do no wrong in his eyes :D) but god help the souls of whoever tries to flirt with you, because they’ve got a hell of a storm coming.
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K=Kisses (What type of kisses do they like/give?)
god nick’s such a passionate kisser. or at least he can be lol. he loves the way your face fits into his hands, and how soft your lips are. so he definitely is a fan of just some wholesome passionate kisses. but damn this man gets sloppy when he wants to. his lips constantly trails off to your jaw, neck and collar bones.
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L=Love  (Do they show their love?)
i feel like his love language would be like a mix between words of affection and physical touch??? he’s definitely very verbal with his love for you. he doesn’t shy away from saying i love you or letting you know how much he appreciates you in any other way.
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M=Memory: (Their favourite memory in general?)
there are certain moments where nick just sits back, watches, and realizes how amazing his life is. and how grateful he is to have you. for example, you were playing minecraft on his pc, and your house kept getting blown up by creepers, he found it adorable how mad you got every time. he just watched you play, while sitting on his bed. after a while, you looked over at him, and caught him staring. “what?” you asked after letting out a soft chuckle. he felt like he was gonna explode from how much he loved you. 
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N=Nickname  (What nicknames do they call you?)  
i’m getting very strong “baby” and “doll” vibes from nick. he loves baby-ing you and smothering you with other loving nicknames. just any petnames that show how much he loves you he’s all for. he would also love calling you “pretty” or “beautiful” for obvious reasons. 
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O=Over  (What happened the one time you ‘broke up’?)
nick HATES fighting with you, but once you two get into an argument he can get pretty carried away. he’s definitely the type to let his emotions get the upper hand on him. raising his voice a lot, stuff like that. but the second you leave to get some space he just breaks down. sliding down the wall and resting his face in his hands, just letting all the emotions out. he never meant to hurt you. when you came back to him, ready to be enclosed in his arms again, he had a hard time letting you back in. he just felt like he didn’t deserve you after he treated you like this. it took some convincing, but once you broke down his walls again, it was like he gave you all the love in his body. just smothering you with “i’m sorry”s and kisses. 
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P=Parents (What would they be like as a parent?)
dilfnap dilfnap dilfnap  omg he’d be such a good dad. like just very caring and loving, but also strict and stern when he needs to be. he’d constantly be telling stories to the kids about the absurd adventures him and his friends would get into, and omg the dad jokes he’d make. idk maybe it’s my daddy issues but dad sapnap lives in my mind rent free. 
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Q=Quirk (Something special about them)
he loves holding your hand. especially in public. if you’re in a crowded space, he just holds onto you very tightly as not to lose you. or if you two are just going on a walk together, his hands would just feel so warm and soft around yours. and omg he loves it when his hands are in his pockets, and you put your hands in there with him, and intertwine your fingers with his. hmmm he gets so soft when you do that.
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R=Romantic (How romantic are they?)
i- uh- I MEAN HE WOULD TRY he really would, and again, that’s all that matters. I feel like he would be the type to try to prepare a whole surprise dinner, he would cook all the food himself, he would set the table all cute, with candles and shit, but just completely ruin the surprise by accidentally giving it all away by saying something or just behaving very obviously suspicious. 
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S=Sad (What are they like when they’re sad?)
he just gets really quiet. he would never want to bother you or be a pain in the ass by complaining to you. but obviously you notice when something is wrong with ur bby boy. a sentence like “are you okay?” or “what’s wrong?” would immediately send him over the edge, burying his face in your chest, trying his best to supress his sobs. but he eventually calms down, and once he does, he’s able to just rant to you about whatever is bothering him.
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T=Together (What are they like when you’re together?)
i feel like it would really depend on his mood, like he could be either SUPER chill, just wanting to savour the time you two had together. or he could be really hyper, constantly talking, wanting to do all kinds of activities with you. he’d be the literal definition of :D
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U=Understanding (How understanding and empathetic are they?)
very. i just get such empathetic vibes from him. he’s such a good listener and he’ll just listen to you talk whenever you have something to be upset about. he never invalidates your feelings and omg he’d give the best advice. 
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V=Value (What do they value most about the relationship?)
he loves that he can 100% be his self around you. there’s no part of his personality that he feels like he has to hide, or tone down, whenever he’s with you. you also aspire him to be his best self, he just wants to be the best boyfriend in the world. all his friends have noticed this too, you bring out the best in him.
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W=Wedding (Would they want marriage? If so what would they like?)
eh. if you’re a person who really values marriage, he’d 100% do it for you. but it’s not like he HAS to. he gets a bit scared by the idea of this whole big event, where everything is about you two, he would way rather celebrate the love you two have in the comfort of your own home, just the two of you. the one thing he would love about a wedding, would be seeing you all dolled up, walking down the aisle, omg he’d be the proudest man ever to be able to call you his.
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X=X-Ray (How well can they read you?)
the SECOND you start to feel sad or depressed in any way, nick notices immediately. he knows you better than anybody else, and he knows exactly what to do to cheer you up. it’s like his superpower. if you’re feeling anxious he’ll just wrap his arms around you really tightly, holding on to you until you calm down. and when you’re sad, and in need for something to cheer you up, he’ll take you outside for a walk in the park, or he’ll just sit in bed with you, watching your favourite show. 
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Y=Yuck (What they would never want in a partner)
he hates when you flirt with his friend, even when you’re very obviously joking. his jealous ass can’t deal with that lmao. he also gets super pissed when his friends make flirtatious jokes towards you, they know how much it gets on his nerves and that’s really the only reason they do it. but omg he gets so pissed when it happens. 
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Zzz (How do they sleep around you?)
nick would be the cutest sleeper ever omg. he doesn’t like to admit it, but he loves being little spoon. he loves resting his head on your chest, while you play with his hair, patiently waiting for him to fall asleep. 
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megalony · 4 years ago
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Teacher’s Pet- Part 9
Here is the new part for my dad! Ben Hardy series which I hope everyone is enjoying, the feedback for this series has been lovely thank you all for the comments.
Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogermeddow @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog​ @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh
Series taglist: @im-an-adult-ish @gwilymleeisbae​ @k-k0129​
Series masterlist
Summary: Gwilym sets Ben up on a date with (Y/n) who teaches at the school Ben’s kids go to. But Ben is hesitant in the relationship, desperate not to make the same mistakes and needing to put his kids first.
Enjoy.
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"What, so you just leave him awake?" (Y/n) leaned her head to the side as she looked over at Ben in curiosity and slight confusion.
"It's... he's not a baby anymore. When he was a baby or a toddler I could lay him on my chest and I'd fall asleep and eventually he would too, he was always with me when he was a kid. Now he's older I can't lay with him because I fall asleep and he either draws on me, he'll sit up and watch tv whilst I sleep or he tries to play games or read. If I leave him he lays awake and lulls himself to sleep."
When Carter was born he would lay on Ben's chest and fall asleep and when he was a toddler Ben hated leaving him to sleep at night on his own. So he would either lay him in bed with him or sit Carter on his chest and put him to bed when he eventually fell asleep.
Now Ben couldn't do that every night and he had Finn who he had to calm down and put to sleep and keep getting up to see. Carter had to learn to try and get himself to sleep because he was getting older now.
"What if he doesn't sleep or he gets up and watches tv in his room?"
"I've programmed his tv to lock him out when it gets past ten o'clock so he can't watch or play anything and if he goes downstairs I usually wake up and hear him. I'm a light sleeper with them three in the house. He'll lay in bed and try and sleep and if he can't, normally he will just lay and rest and think or maybe read a book which I don't mind as much."
Ben knew Carter couldn't help what time he went to sleep, it only bothered Ben if Carter tried to stay awake and watch movies or play games or keep his mind active. But if he just laid down and chilled or tried to relax and calm down then Ben was happy. If it was a particularly bad night Ben didn't mind him reading because Carter got headaches easily from reading and he couldn't read for over an hour which was a godsend at night.
"What about James and Finn then?" (Y/n) leaned her head on Ben's shoulder as she pulled the cover a little higher over them both. All the boys were now in bed and she and Ben were in his bed watching a random movie on tv. It was ten o'clock now but since it was Sunday tomorrow they could all have a lie in. The weekends were good because when Carter eventually fell asleep Ben would leave him in bed until he either woke up or Ben woke him up late morning.
One time Carter didn't go to sleep until five in the morning so Ben left him in bed until dinner time because he needed the sleep.
"James is fine, he'll sleep through the night no problems. With Finn it's up and down, if he's been anxious all day he'll wake up during the night so I either stay awake or set an alarm to check on him during the night. If he's not been too bad during the day he might have a good night. If he wakes up crying I'll go to him but if he panics he'll come in here, I told him it's fine to come in even if you're here and asleep."
Ben had a rough time sleeping because of the boys.
He was a light sleeper ever since Carter was a baby but it was worse now, even the slightest noise woke him up during the night. Ben woke up to check on Carter at around one in the morning, then he checked on Finn, sometimes he set an alarm to check on them both at three in the morning then he was normally up by six. If Carter was up and messing about Ben woke up and stayed awake with him and if Finn woke up screaming or crying Ben settled him back down to sleep and usually kept Finn in his room with him to make the youngest boy feel safe.
Ben only got a proper night's sleep when the boys were at his parent's house or if it was just him and James at home, but he didn't mind as long as they all got some sleep.
The tv started to blur into the background and Ben was close to turning the tv off but he felt (Y/n) jump beside him when the bedroom door burst open. Ben was used to all the boys running in and out whenever they liked, it made him want to get a lock on the bedroom door but Carter would break it and Finn would sit and have a panic attack.
A sigh passed through Ben's lips and he looked at the door to see Carter all but run into the room and bound over to Ben's side of the bed.
"Can I watch tv with you please? Dad I'm not tired, can I, you said we can have a lie in tomorrow."
(Y/n) noticed the way Carter glanced over at her a few times but he didn't glare or smile, he looked indifferent like she was either not there at all or didn't make a difference and she didn't know how to feel about that. She also noticed the way he was trying not to rush through his words and that suggested he was rather hyper at the moment.
"It's past ten, you need to go to bed."
"I'm not tired, daddy please-"
"You're never tired and you're not staying in here buddy, you need to go and calm down and try to sleep. I'll come sit with you for a bit if you want." Ben sighed as he glanced between (Y/n) and Carter for a few seconds. Carter was hyper and he was either going to try and sneak downstairs to watch tv, try and play games or just sit and be very hyper for the night. Ben was going to have to try and calm him down before he let Carter try and get to sleep on his own.
"Why don't I come and sit with you?" (Y/n) looked at Ben for approval before she looked back at Carter whose eyes narrowed before widening but his expression didn't really change. He looked indifferent yet uncertain, he didn't know how to interpret this or how to act so he was trying to be neutral.
(Y/n) was going on instinct on how to act around Carter, Ben raised him and had learned Carter's ways and his expressions and tones of voice, (Y/n) was trying to navigate through them. She thought sitting with him might help to get him used to her being around and able to talk to her and it would help her to try and bond with him if he allowed her to sit with him.
"Buddy, is that okay?"
Carter nodded and they could both hear his foot tapping against the floor impatiently before Ben motioned for him to go and (Y/n) would follow but before (Y/n) got up Ben gently took her hand.
"Talking to Jamie's unsettled him, that's why he's hyper. He thinks it's good that she called and she's gonna keep calling but she won't and deep down he knows that. He's hyper because he isn't comfortable about this and that means he might be rude or snap at you because that's how he thinks he has to react. Don't take anything he says to heart."
Ben didn't want (Y/n) to go and sit with Carter and then feel upset or uncomfortable if he became rude or unsettled and snapped at her or even if he said something he knew would rile (Y/n) up. Carter became very hyperactive and very uneasy when Jamie called because it disturbed his routine and his mood. He thinks he has to be rude and be hurtful when he feels unsettled because that's how he feels he should act but he didn't mean it and (Y/n) had to know that before she went and talked to him.
"Okay." (Y/n) smiled warmly and leaned over to kiss him before she got up and went into Carter's room.
Because Carter was awake most of the night almost every night, he couldn't share a room with James or Finn and when Carter got angry he definitely couldn't be in a room with them in case he snapped and lashed out at his brothers. Having James in the room made Finn feel calmer especially at night if he had a nightmare and James was always in a deep sleep so when Finn woke up crying or upset or just from a nightmare, James didn't get woken up.
Ben could feel his eyes growing heavy but the longer he felt like he was about to give in to sleep, the more he realised that (Y/n) had been quite a while sitting with Carter and Ben didn't know how to take that. Either they were engaged in conversation which could be both good or bad, or Carter was very hyper and (Y/n) didn't want to leave him or didn't know what to do.
With a sigh, Ben pushed himself up and out of bed and slowly made his way out of the room and across to Carter's room. He didn't want to barge in if everything was going okay because he really didn't want to check up on them both but he couldn't help it. Since the door was open a little, Ben pushed it a tiny bit more and leaned his head around the door to peek into the room.
Carter's room was the box room since he couldn't share with either of his brothers. His bed was on the right hand side of the room with the window opposite the door and a tv behind the door at the end of the bed. Carter had a lot of video games in his room because he didn't like playing his games with anyone but Ben, not even with his brothers. And he had a few sensory toys for when he was upset or had a tantrum or needed something to do to entertain himself. It surprised Ben that Carter didn't mind having the smallest room but the compact space didn't bother him, it seemed to suit him rather well.
He felt safer rather than boxed in.
Ben felt a shock wave of surprise ebbing through him when he looked at (Y/n) and Carter. He assumed they would both be sitting up on the bed chatting or reading a book or maybe even having an argument or (Y/n) trying to calm Carter down from a hyper state. But instead of anything like that, what Ben saw was (Y/n) laid under the covers with Carter huddled under her arm curled into her side. (Y/n) was very slowly and methodically carding her fingers through Carter's hair like she was soothing him to sleep.
Carter's eyes were half-lidded and he looked the calmest Ben had seen him today and seemed to be on the verge of sleep already but he was trying to make the effort of keeping the very quiet conversation going.
(Y/n) stopped talking for a moment when her eyes locked with Ben when she noticed him hovering in the doorway, not wanting to intrude but unable to draw his eyes away from the scene in front of him.
She thought it would have been hard to get Carter to talk to her but he was very talkable and he wasn't trying to be rude or annoying or make (Y/n) feel uncomfortable. He genuinely just wanted to talk and when he asked (Y/n) to lay with him she couldn't refuse. Carter quickly burrowed himself under her arm like he was taking refuge and cuddled into her side, he wanted nothing more than closeness and to be comfortable and talk to (Y/n) and she found it endearing yet rather heartbreaking.
Carter wanted another figure in his life, he wanted a motherly figure because he couldn't have his own mother and he was seeking that from (Y/n) because she was the closest thing he had to a mother right now.
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(Y/n) felt like a knife had gone straight through her heart that was doing somersaults in her chest when a scream hit her ears and tore her from her sleep. She shot up beside Ben who was already sitting up and ready to throw the cover off his frame and run out the room. They both locked eyes for a moment before another sound that resembled a growl and a cry hit their ears and (Y/n) realised Ben was confused.
"That's Carter..."
(Y/n) didn't know how to respond to that but she could see that this wasn't normal. Ben always woke up to Finn crying out for him or running into the room unable to breathe or Finn even screamed in his sleep, but it was very rare that Carter was the one screaming and crying or having a nightmare because he hardly slept. Even (Y/n) had been expecting to wake up to Finn being the one in distress needing to be calmed down during the night. She didn't think or even consider James or Carter having a nightmare.
"Does this normally happen?" (Y/n) got out of bed when Ben jumped to his feet the moment Carter let out another cry that seemed to shake the walls of the house.
"That depends if he's been asleep. He's either having a meltdown or he's having a nightmare and either way this is Jamie's fucking fault. When she left he always had nightmares and she's unsettled him now."
Carter suffered from nightmares since he was little after Jamie left because he had to adjust to living Ben and James and James' mum. Then it was just him Ben and James and that uneased him more because both mother figures had left his life. Then when Lucy came and left and Finn came into the picture he was even more unsettled because he didn't have Ben's undivided attention. Carter needed stability and Jamie was the opposite of that, she unsettled him and made him feel uncomfortable and upset and that unbalanced his world.
Ben hurried into Carter's room as he prayed that he could calm down his eldest before Finn heard and started to panic but when he went in he was scared at what he was faced with. The ten year old was curled up in the middle of the bed with the cover pulled very tight over his whole body making him a covered up ball in the bed. If the cover was thrown on the floor or strewn about the bed then Ben would know Carter was having a nightmare but the way he was hiding himself showed he was having a meltdown.
When a violent scream tore from Carter's lips and he seemed to curl in on himself more, Ben hurriedly moved over and sat down on the bed near to the pillow. He wanted to reach out and pull Carter into an embrace but he knew from experience that trying to hug him when he was like this might make him worse.
"Baby... baby you know you can't lay like this." Ben slowly peeled back the cover from Carter's head so he wasn't at risk of smothering himself but the moment Ben uncovered Carter's head he lashed out and smashed his hand into the wall with a cry. "Okay come on." Ben kept the cover wrapped tightly around Carter's arms and hands like mittens before he gently pulled Carter into his chest.
He kissed Carter's head before wrapping an arm around him when he tried to lash out and started to get frustrated when the cover prevented him from moving. His legs kicked out and his arms started to thrash and Ben could see his hands fisting in the cover he wanted to rip off his body but he couldn't and it only made him scream louder.
"Does mum want me?" Carter's words were quiet and broken and he even dared to open his eyes to look up at Ben but the look he got back was an answer enough.
"Baby... she misses you and I know she loves you, but she doesn't want to be in your life right now. I'm sorry." Ben couldn't say it. He couldn't force himself to say that Jamie didn't want Carter even though that was true, she may miss him and she may love him but she didn't love or miss him enough and she didn't want to care for him or be in his life because she couldn't cope with him. That was her fault and her loss and it made Ben dismiss her as a mother, she didn't deserve to be called a mother if she wasn't willing to look after her own son.
The scream Carter let out was almost unbearable for (Y/n) who was hovering in the doorway so she couldn't even begin to wonder how that felt for Ben to hear. No child should have to deal with the fact that one parent didn't want them, especially not a child who needed stability and extra care and more understanding like Carter. But the extra care and attention he needed was exactly why he didn't have Jamie around anymore.
"Shh, shh you're okay, you have me and you have James and Finn and nan and grandad and you've got uncle Gwil and (Y/n). So many people love you, it's okay that your mum isn't around because you don't need her baby."
Carter let out a very loud wail when Ben slipped his hands under Carter's arms so he could pick him up and sit him on his lap with the cover still cocooned around him to make sure he didn't hurt himself or Ben. But despite the cries and screams continuously leaving Carter's lips, Ben and (Y/n) both noticed he was looking over at (Y/n) a lot.
"Do you want me?"
(Y/n)'s eyes widened in their sockets and she felt her lungs shrivelling up in her chest until she couldn't breathe. Her vision blurred from the tears welling up in her eyes but that didn't distort the image of Carter staring back at her. His eyes were red and puffy, they were streaming with tears that fell down his bright red cheeks and his nose was running. He looked very angry yet scared and vulnerable but the way he looked at her made (Y/n) speechless.
He wasn't looking indifferent like he did earlier, he wasn't angry with her or at her, he wasn't snarling or about to scream at her. For the first time, he looked desperate. He looked desperate for her love and attention and if she said no to his question he might just explode.
Carter stopped screaming, he stopped letting out heart-wrenching sobs and he wasn't thrashing around to try and hurt himself or lash out. He was breathing heavily through his runny nose and his eyes were intent on (Y/n) as he tensed, waiting very impatiently for her answer. Ben had never seen his son so intent on an answer like this, nor had he sat so still and waited like this rather than scream for her to speak. Carter really wanted (Y/n) to love and want him.
(Y/n) took a few cautious steps over until she could sit down in front of Carter on the bed and she watched the way he stopped breathing when she gently brushed a few tears from his cheek.
"Yes I do honey, I don't know your mum or why she doesn't want to be involved in your life but I do."
(Y/n) almost jumped when Carter wriggled in Ben's arms but instead of crying he let out a whine until Ben carefully let go of him and le Carter wriggle out of the cover. He scrambled over until he could clamber onto (Y/n)'s lap, he locked his arms around (Y/n)'s neck to the point it hurt but she stayed silent, not wanting to upset him. She wrapped her arm around his back and tangled her other hand in his hair to try and calm him down and make sure he was okay.
"Y-you can be my mum, c-can't you? I want a mum." Carter mumbled the words into (Y/n)'s neck and she could feel his harsh breaths despite the fact he was trying his best to calm down.
(Y/n) looked over at Ben for confirmation, she didn't want to say yes and have Ben be upset or uneasy about it but she didn't want to say no and have Carter become unsettled again. If he wanted to think of her as his mum surely that wasn't a bad thing because (Y/n) was in a relationship with Ben and Carter needed the stability and it meant he was fine with their relationship and with (Y/n). It also wasn't so bad because it wasn't like it would be with Finn, Carter knew (Y/n) wasn't actually his mum but he wanted her to be anyway. With Finn if he started calling (Y/n) his mum in a few years he could actually believe it because he was so young and impressionable.
There were tears in Ben's eyes and he was biting his lip hard to stop himself from getting overwhelmed just like Carter. Ben knew with James' mum she didn't want to be seen as a mum to Carter and that hurt but Ben had to understand that Carter was hard to deal with and he couldn't expect her to take Carter on as her own. With Finn's mum she tried with both boys but Ben was overwhelmingly happy she didn't connect with them in case she had ended up hurting them too.
He never thought he would be with someone who would be willing and who would actually connect with all three of his boys. But she was already joined at the hip with James, Finn was growing closer to her every day and a lot quicker than he got closer to other people. And Carter was the hardest to get to know and feel easy around but here (Y/n) was, connecting with Carter so good that he was desperate to feel like she was his mother.
When Ben managed to nod at (Y/n) to say whatever she felt was right, (Y/n) could feel her own eyes glossing with tears.
"I'd love to be your mum."
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the-courage-to-heal · 4 years ago
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Complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), also known as developmental trauma or complex trauma, is a term that has been proposed to capture a constellation of symptoms which result from the stress associated with chronic neglect or abuse during childhood. This neglect/abuse occurs in the context of interpersonal dependence (which childhood is by definition) and particularly during significant periods of emotional and intellectual development. Interpersonal dependence refers to the qualities of being captive (having no viable escape or alternative) and of being reliant upon those who are mistreating you. The phenomenon of CPTSD is well researched but has not yet become an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM).
CPTSD may develop in situations of chronic maltreatment by one’s own parents (or other caregivers e.g., foster parents or other relatives) or other situations wherein children are trapped or incarcerated for prolonged periods of time such as Indian residential schools, concentration camps or some religious cults. As mentioned above, in addition to having no viable escape (and thus having no choice but to adapt to the circumstances), children who become adult sufferers of CPTSD tend to have been exposed to repetitive or prolonged situations involving neglect or abuse (emotional, physical, and/or sexual) which took place during critical periods of emotional and physical development. Moreover, the perpetrators of the neglect/abuse are generally the very people who were supposed to be meeting the child’s practical, emotional and intellectual needs. Because the roots of CPTSD extend back to developmentally significant periods of time, emotional, intellectual and social development can be truncated or distorted and core aspects of a person’s functioning may be affected (sometimes severely).
Areas of functioning that may be affected include:
1. affect regulation (the ability to control feelings and mood states and to modulate levels of stress)
2. attention
3. memory/consciousness
4. self perception
5. perceptions of the perpetrator(s)
6. interpersonal relationships
7. systems of meaning
There are multiple symptoms associated with each of the areas noted above. The following is a brief description of some of them. Not all CPTSD sufferers experience all of these symptoms or to the same degree:
1. Difficulties with affect regulation can include persistent or episodic dysphoria (depression), suicidal preoccupation, hyper-arousal, hyper-vigilance, intense or inhibited anger and the inability to be playful or to experience pleasure or joy.
2. Difficulties with self-perception include a chronic sense of helplessness or paralysis of initiative, feelings of shame/guilt/self-blame, a sense of fundamental brokenness, defilement or stigma,
3. A feeling of being inherently different from others,
4. A tendency to be harshly self critical and self abandonment (a tendency to neglect ones own feelings and needs).
5. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator include a preoccupation with the relationship, unrealistic attributions of power to the perpetrator, idealization or misplaced gratitude, a belief in a special relationship with the perpetrator, and an acceptance of the belief system of the perpetrator.
6. Problems with relationships with others can include a tendency toward isolation and withdrawal, difficulties forming lasting intimate relationships, a repeated searching for a rescuer, persistent mistrust of others, intense social anxiety and repeated failures of self-protection.
7. Alterations in systems of meaning can involve the loss of a sustaining faith or belief in anything and a sense of hopelessness or despair.
CPTSD is most easily distinguished from PTSD through identification of five of its most common symptoms:
Emotional Flashbacks:
Emotional flashbacks involve the experience of regressing to the former feeling states of having been an abandoned, neglected or abused child. A flashback is usually triggered by something in the present which is reminiscent of the past that takes a person back to the overwhelming feeling states of the past in which they generally felt helpless and hopeless. During a flashback, a person often feels highly and inexplicably anxious as the fight/flight instincts are aroused via activation of the sympathetic nervous system. The emotional content of flashbacks generally involves overwhelming feelings such as fear, alienation, despair, depression and grief. Flashbacks range in intensity from mild to extreme and range in duration from seconds to weeks. Typically during a flashback a person feels small, fragile, helpless and afraid. It is not uncommon for flashbacks to bring up a feeling of toxic shame. This is the sense that one is not alright, i.e., that they are fatally flawed, inadequate, bad and unlovable.
Toxic Shame:
The sense of toxic shame that can manifest during an emotional flashback (as well as at other times) is thought to derive from a history of having been consistently neglected or rejected and/or from having been severely criticized as a child. Children get their sense of their own goodness by being reflected back positively by those who care for them. When children are ridiculed, criticized, treated with contempt, disdain or generally judged harshly, they cannot fathom that they are being treated unfairly or that their caregivers are somehow inadequate, rather they believe that they deserve the treatment that they are getting and that they are inherently “bad”. In other words, they internalize the belief that there is something wrong with them in response to such treatment and they feel ashamed of themselves.
Self Abandonment:
Similarly, self abandonment stems from the caregiver’s abandonment of their children. When our feelings and needs are not attended to in a loving, nurturing and consistent way including when we have difficult feelings such as sadness, anger, grief and depression, we tend to turn away from ourselves as adults when we experience these things. We lack the capacity for self compassion because we never received compassion and don’t have a felt sense of it. We say to ourselves in effect, I cannot afford to feel, acknowledge or extend compassion to myself when I feel or need the things that my caregivers rejected in me. Instead, we do things like deny, project, self-medicate, act out or redouble our numbing or perfectionist tendencies rather than lovingly attend to and nurture ourselves.
The Inner Critic:
The so-called inner critic that may develop is paradoxically the child’s way of attempting to stay safe. When children are anxious and fearful, they attempt to stay safe by internalizing the caregivers rules in the hopes that they will gain acceptance and approval from them. Children say to themselves “if I do exactly what I am supposed to do and I am perfect in this way or that way (including by denying feeling certain things) then maybe I will get the care that I so desperately need”. In other words, children come to believe that if they hide their needs and vulnerabilities and make themselves outwardly all the things that their parents want from them, then maybe they will win the loving and nurturing that they crave. Each time they fall short of this perfectionistic goal, they become increasing self critical and redouble their efforts such that the inner self critic becomes a perfectionistic drill sargent.
Social Anxiety:
Being neglected or abused leaves a child with a profound sense of not belonging anywhere or to anyone. Children tend to develop a sense that people are dangerous and not to be trusted. In addition, in the absence of attentive and caring parents, the child has no safe base from which to explore the world socially. There is no place of refuge to which to return in order to consolidate or integrate experiences in the world and learn more adaptive strategies or approaches. A child is left feeling fundamentally without backing, insecure, alone and unsure of himself. This leads to intense social anxiety. Moreover, when a child feels shameful, dejected and hopeless it is difficult to be socially engaged, rather the tendency is to want to withdraw and isolate oneself like a wounded animal.
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amynicola1995 · 6 years ago
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25/07/2018. Diary Blog Entry 206.
Depression: Is a state of low mood and a version to activity that can affect someone's thoughts, behaviour, feelings and sense of wellbeing. 
The most common causes of depression usually are abuse, meditation, conflict, death or loss, genetics, substance abuse and serious illness. There are also different types of depression, Major, chronic, atypical, postpartum manic/bipolar, seasonal, psychotic and treatment resistant. 
Major depression: A constant sense of hopelessness and despair is a sign you might have major depression. Symptoms include difficulty in working, studying, sleeping, eating, and enjoying friends and families company. Chronic depression: Chronic depression also known as dysthymia is a mild form of depression, it is a less severe form than major depression and has fewer symptoms. The depression symptoms can linger for longer periods of time often 2 years or longer. Atypical depression: Is a subtype of major and/or dysthymic depression that involves increased appetite or weight gain, sleepiness or excessive sleep and feeling of extreme sensitivity to rejection. Postpartum depression: Is a complex mix of physical, emotional and behavioural changes that happen in women after giving birth. PPD is a form of major depression that has its onset within four weeks after delivery. It's not just based on the length of time between delivery and onset but also on the severity of the depression. Manic/bipolar depression: Bipolar disorder was formally known as manic depression. It is a form of major affective disorder or mood disorder defined by manic or hyper-manic episodes. It is also often involves sleeplessness, hallucinations, psychosis and paranoid rage. Seasonal depression: Also known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Seasonal depression is a mood disorder that happens every year at the same time. Seasonal depression generally starts in fall/autumn/winter and ends in spring or early summer. Psychotic depression: Is a subtype of major depression that occurs when a severe depressive illness includes some form of psychosis. The psychosis could be hallucinations, delusions, worthlessness, failure or having some other break from reality. Treatment resistant depression: Also known as refractory depression is a type of depression that unfortunately is where depression treatments don't work, it occurs in two thirds of people with depression that haven't  had any effect by the first amount of anti-depressants that they try. 
People who suffer with depression can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless and worthless and all of these emotions can lead to a loss of appetite, lack of concentration and may contemplate or attempt suicide or self harm. Insomnia, fatigue, excessive sleeping, aches and pains also may be present with a person who is suffering from depression. 
My depression. I have mild depression or dysthymia and its been on and off for the past 9years for a number of reasons, mainly due to my eating disorder and other reasons I don't wish to disclose as its very personal and private to me and I'm in no way hiding it, far from it. The truth actually is that I would love to talk about it  but I know I'm not ready yet. 
Depression sucks!!! That part is easy to explain but try explaining that to someone who doesn't know what it feels like or hasn't suffered with any type or form of depression and then something so simple becomes so much harder to explain.
Talking about my depression is still hard for my to talk about because i still have bad days but they are getting less and less since my diagnosis 9years ago but, you've just got to take he good days with the bad, its just a part of recovery. I still struggle and that's ok. 
I did go to my doctor’s/GP about my depression but my doctor put me on anti-depression tablets and I hated them, they made me so depressed I felt like self harming and even contemplated suicide and when these thoughts started circling around my head I actually throw out my tablets and refused to take them. I just locked up the thoughts in a dark corner of my mind and tried to forget them, but I did go and talk to a therapist and I highly recommend this than suffering in silence.
I suffered in silence for ages before I got help from a therapist and it made me feel so much better, it also made me feel like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and that made me feel so much happier that she understood what I was going through. She wasn’t there to make me feel judged for these feelings. She made me feel so comfortable talking to her about anything at anytime, but if your GP or school don’t offer a therapist/counsellor to you just grab a friend and a cuppa and have a chat.
I hope this helps some of you dealing with depression but I do recommend you go to the doctor’s/GP they might be able to help more than I can because I’m not a doctor, I’m only going off of my own personal experiences, But if you feel unable to do that but you feel like you need to talk to someone then you can always talk to me. I’m always here and you know I will never judge you.
See you tomorrow and remember that you are beautiful ❤❤❤ Amy Nicola XOXO 💋
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vandergelic-blog · 7 years ago
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RFA + minor trio react to MC being a total party animal or just really hyper loool
Aww my first HC request. >\
Party Animal/Hyper MC
Yoosung:
•This poor boy, you wore him out so much.
•You would always plop yourself in his lap during his LOL matches and flash a smirk at him, while he grunted trying to push you off so he could focus.
“Let’s go out honey~” You would say.
“But we went out last night, and the night before that!” He whined.
So you simply crossed your arms over your chest and huffed. “I’ll just go by myself then..”
Before you could storm off, he had grabbed your wrist and let out a groan. “Fine, we can go out. But let’s not stay too long, please? I have class tomorrow.”
He would literally do anything to make you happy, he’s too pure. Just make sure you give him all the cuddles he needs when you guys get home late that night~
Jaehee:
•Loved how active and outgoing you were. It was a trait she admired about you and something she wished she had.
•I feel like she’d be able to keep up for a little while, not being able to say no to spending time with you.
•But would eventually burn out and explain there are nights where she simply can’t do it. She feels terrible about it but it’s the honest truth.
•So instead of going out into public, y'all just stay home and get turnt to broadway music lol. That was enough for the both of you as long as you were with each other.
Zen:
Despite his hectic rehearsal schedule, Zen loved to go out! It gave him a chance to flaunt his looks when he wasn’t on stage.
Sometimes if you guys were out at a nightclub, you guys were the life of the party.
Just the ultimate couple tbh.
But there are times where he would rather just stay in with you.
Sometimes you guys would throw your own parties in your guy’s apartment with just you two. Playing Just Dance, doing karaoke, and stuffing your face with food.
You guys would even create your own little musicals.
He also loves to go out on a private date with just you and him, because the paparazzi can be too much sometimes. 
You two just always have fun together, whether you’re out in public or at home. He loves your energy.                                                                         
Jumin:
This CEO isn’t much of a partier, but he loves to travel with you. 
Questioned your sanity at first. “How is she always so..energetic?”
Nevertheless, there would be some clubs he would go to you with, but would much rather enjoy the nightlife with you only.
Most of the time you would take him to fun “commoner” activities..like rollerskating, or a carnival!
He grew to actually really like rollerskating? I feel like he would be a pro at it, and just be gliding across the rink like it was nobody’s business lmao.
Oh, and when you introduced him to cat cafe’s.. his mind was blown and his heart was full.
“I must open one up in Elizabeth’s name.. it could have rollerskating as well. I could develop rollerskates for cats so they could do it with the guests.”
JAEHEE RUN
This guy loves you and loves exploring and trying new things out with you!!
Seven:
This guy honestly loved to party as much as you did, when he wasn’t being a distant little shit.
Just like Zen, you two would be the center of attention I feel like. You both were just obnoxious and hyperactive.
Y’all usually caused a scene wherever you went because of your shenanigans. 
Once you guys got kicked out of Walmart for doing the floor is lava challenge and Seven jumped into the thing that holds all the bouncy balls sending them flying everywhere, while you jumped onto a stack on packaged toilet paper making the whole thing topple down.
Seriously guys what the fuck is wrong with you we can never take you anywhere without causing a mESS
YOU GUYS JUST ALWAYS HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE OKAY 
AND HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH FOR IT BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD ANYONE IN HIS LIFE HE COULD DO THIS WITH
BECAUSE THEY WOULD JUST SMACK HIM UP HIS HEAD
OR TASER HIM (VANDERWOOD PLS)
BUT YOU JUST GO ALONG WITH IT!!
JUST THANK YOU FOR BEING THIS GUY’S HAPPINESS AND BEING AS WEIRD AS HE IS CAUSE HE DESERVES IT. 
Saeran: 
The last party he went to he was fucking brainwashed.
This little guy would be so anxious oh GOD, please be gentle and go easy on him please.
Sometimes your hyper-ness would get on his nerves and he would give you one of his ~death~ glares in hopes to get you to stop. 
But you don’t and you just keep on rambling and being a weirdo.
How did I fall for someone like this she’s just like my brother if not even worse why do i do this to myself-
At the parties you did get him to go to, he would just sit in the corner with a dead face like the emo child he is.
A drink in one hand, a cigarette in the other as he watches you bust out ridiculous dance moves in front of him in an attempt to lighten his mood, but all you got was an exasperated sigh.
“imissmyreligiouscult”
sAE RAN PLEASE
When he’s had enough he would say “Let’s go.” in a blunt voice and if you refused he would pick you up and throw you over his shoulder and exit the building, ignoring all your complaints. 
To be honest, he would much rather just cuddle with you and talk about random shit.
He enjoys private intimate moments with you where everything is just calm because his life has been so hectic from day 1. 
He thought you were adorable and loved how full of life you were.
He would much rather just be in your arms or vice versa.
He would never admit that tho.
little btich
V:
When you said that you liked to go out..he didn’t know you meant..nightclubs and wild parties. 
I really don’t think you guys would ever go out and party like that!! Maybe once in awhile but definitely not frequently.
And you would be perfectly fine with that because this guy is the love of your life alright.
Instead of going out, you guys would like to bicycle together! (THIS IS IF HE COULD SEE OK OMG IMAGINE V TRYING TO RIDE A BIKE IF HE WAS BLINDJKS)
You guys would bike around the park or to the zoo or whatever!
Have little picnics with each other beneath a cherry blossom tree and feed the geese in the lakes. Despite the sign that says DON’T FEED THE GEESE.
Would take many pictures of you and the scenery. 
You would also do mini photoshoots of him!! He always says he likes to capture art BUT YET HAS NEVER TAKEN A SINGLE PICTURE OF HIMSELF WTF
This dude loves to spend every second of his days with you, would often take you on his trips~
Vanderwood: 
This guy wasn’t going out to no damn party where there would be drunk people, sweat and vomit everywhere ok. 
HE WASN’T HAVING IT.
Only time he would go out is to get discounted cleaning supplies from Walgreens-
“Wait, what?”
“Bowling?”
“what is that wha t”
So you take him to a nice bowling hangout
Uh MC why do I have to change my shoes???? they don’t go with my leopard print. im not taking off my gloves either its not happening
omg shut up and just do it vanderbaby
he’s scoffing as he puts on the shoes, upset that it’s ruining his ~style~ 
“So..I have to slide this ball at the pins and knock them down?”
“Can I pretend the pins are Seven?”
After telling him yes he’s literally chucking the ball down the damn aisle
is petty AS FUCK WHEN IT MISSES AND GOES STRAIGHT OUT OF THE LANE
WHAT THE HELL I CAN SHOOT A GUN BUT I CANT FUCKING BOWL 
keeps his cool tho, pretends like it’s not even his fault, makes up excuses
“it’s rigged, they slicked the alley with some type of liquid so that’s why my balls keep missing.”
“did u just say… my balls”
“god MC shut up you act like you’re the best but honestly you suck just as much as i d-”
DID YOU JUST FREAKING GET A STRIKE WTF ALKJFKL
Gets super competitive suddenly, and eventually once he gets the hang of it he beats your ass then pretends like he wasn’t even phased
like no he wasn’t even trying man it was just natural, he didn’t become a special agent for nothing
like he would subtly rub his win in your face and console you like you were ACTUALLY upset 
“it’s okay maybe next time honestly i wasn’t expecting to win im just as shocked as you, ya know”
god vanderwood just shut up and take me home
anyways he doesn’t mind going out with you, he enjoys it actually but he wont admit that to you either 
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re-the-bear · 5 years ago
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The following is a string of thoughts that I feel like I need to get out of my head.
This is going to be confusing, messy, and probably include: swearing, violence, mentions of abuse, possible slurs, and depictions of my inner landscape. If you're mental health could be effected by any of the previous things then I suggest you just scroll past this.
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I am paralyzed by my emotions: anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, stress. All these things violently crashing around my brain, yet my body is calm, aside from the racing heartbeat and pounding headache. But that could mean I'm thirsty.
There's so much nasty shit going on in the world right now and I'm too hyper aware of only the tiniest bit of it and it's ruining my ability to function. Endless wars over archaic fossil fuels or even more archaic religious beliefs, violence against; women, children, the queer, the asylum seekers, the neurodivergent, the disabled, and based on pigment of skin. Systems of power that are breaking down because of decades of insidious spoiling like some overlooked cancer just now causing the organs to start failing.
Everyday is an uphill battle, like Sisyphus I constantly have to retake the high ground. I struggle to focus, to find the energy or capacity to do even basic tasks. And in struggling I berate and belittle myself because I feel like I should be able to do this, that, or the other thing. I seek company because when I'm around others I feel more industrious, I have more energy and my mood is vastly improved. But I stop myself from reaching out because I don't want to be a bore, or burden, or a bother, because I just repeat and report the same fucking things over and over again. Like I'm some god-damned NPC in some lame as RPG.
Yet I'm sure that I'm an extrovert, because just a 5 minute conversation with a friend recharges me in such a way it's like a double shot of white coffee. I'm still anxious about first encounters and large crowds, so much so that I do have a generalized anxiety diagnosis. But living in my self imposed exile/hermitage is so not good for me if I'm an extrovert.
I'm still healing from the abuses of my childhood; the violence, the casual gaslighting, the "teasing", all of it. Some of it is on going because I haven't completely cut my family out of my life (eyes mother and aunt). But as I interact with them less and less I find my coping mechanisms failing. I see some of the things I do as problematic. And I see so much of what others take as "matter of fact" or "of course" as blessings and infinite kindnesses. As I told a good friend once, "there is no "of course" in my life right now." Which is much better than the only other "of course" type things I used to hold as true like; that everyone will leave me, I am abomination and undeserving of love, I am without value except for when I'm performing a service or task. The list could go on for a while.
I get too attached and too invested in others for my own good. I feel bad when my friends don't talk to me, and it just spirals out of control. I'm actively trying not to be intrusive or clingy, but I also occasionally try to see them you know cause they say they miss me. But it's never a good time. There's always something that comes up, so I wait for them to ask me. And I wait, and I wait, and I wait some more. But invites never come. I get told that they're making time for me, but I don't know when; next week, next month, next year, every third Thursday? They never say, but I don't want to press. So I sit and wait.
It's like that meme about group chats going dead. I live that. Like I was a part of a very active group chat on Skype once upon a time. Then everyone just stopped talking to me. I'd post a hello, or a happy holiday, or even a little 'I miss you' message. Radio silence, first for a few days, then weeks, and eventually I gave up. I've since deleted Skype from my phone. And I feel like the same thing is happening on my Facebook and Discord.
I'm so envious of everyone who've got tons of people talking to them. A "busy" day for me involves like 2 short phone calls and less than 10 texts. The average day is about 2 texts and that's it. I'm dying of loneliness here, it's depressing to think about how little I might mean to others. It's depressing to realize that I don't matter at all. Beyond the sex and comfort other seek me out for, because of course I have no value unless I am serving. All of my worth is tied to my ability to please and comfort others.
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ask-beacons-finest · 7 years ago
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Hi, this is one of my OC teams I'd like to submit
Wow!! I really love the thought you put into your team! (Admin put this under a cut just because it is a little long) but for any of those that want to jump right into the fanfiction, you can find it with this link!
It’s a hefty amount of text, so bear with me.
Team TRML (Tourmaline)
            School: Beacon Academy
Teal Ciel
            Human. M. 17
            Semblance: Electricity manipulation
            Weapon: “Vegas Neon.” His weapon of choice is a jet-black guitar capable of turning into a heavy axe, or long sword.  The strings vibrate without even being touched, and glow bright red and blue neon when struck.  The edges gleam different colors when tilted in the light.  Teal’s fighting style is erratic and unpredictable, but also resourceful.
            Teal is the embodiment of an electric current.  He is hyper-energetic and loud when he wants to be.  With adequate adrenaline and energy, he becomes the life of the party.  However, he is easily disappointed when it comes to subjects important to him.  There is little in between with his personality, always changing like the current of a wire.   Despite his sister’s warnings, he’s got a terrible sweet tooth.  He is easily distracted; losing focus around monotonous teachers, vivid colors, and handsome lads that seem to come into view.  He’s a terrible flirt when it comes to guys.
His hair is composed of black, close-shaven sideburns that fade to silvery gray as they reach the top.  He typically wears it slicked back.  His eyes are a fiery red, but glow a bright cyan when he is full of energy.  He is shorter than most, and his skin is a dark bronze.  His outfit consists of a loosely buttoned white shirt, and a brightly colored striped tie.  He dons a signature studded leather jacket, and skinny jeans that he wore tucked into the cuffs of his black high tops.
Roxo Grimmsickle
            Human. M. 17
            Semblance: Seismic Sense and Earth Manipulation
            Weapon: “The Grimmsickle.” Roxo’s weapon is a carefully handcrafted scythe.  The long, titanium alloy staff is slightly taller than he is, and wields two sickles on either side, like a pickaxe.  Each blade is generously equipped with thousands of tiny serrations—like a saw on steroids—and can snap against the staff like a guillotine.  The tip is equipped with a compact harpoon, capable of drawing in enemies from mighty distances.  Roxo’s style is composed of spins and difficult poses.  He incorporates ballet, or capoeira, into his technique, increasing his mobility despite his heavy weapon.
            Roxo grew up as a poor boy on the slums of vale.  His mother was a memorable huntress who lost her life in battle, and the fighting spirit she had was passed onto him.  Among strangers, he is extremely anxious, cautious, and generally shy.  Despite his caution, though, he is always in a smiling mood, and he is utterly loyal to his friends.
            He is built tall and lanky; 6’10” of awkward teenager.  His olive skin is dotted with freckles.  He is also completely blind (think of Toph from Avatar), and relies on his other senses to navigate through daily activities.  His hair is a mop of dark purple tips and black roots, and his eyes a pale lilac.  He is quite reserved, even among his friends, and comes across as very naïve.  He wears a formal outfit even into battle.  A tough fibered lavender button-up cover his torso, as well as a light purple vest.  He wears lilac gloves and penny loafers, and slacks.  His most prized article, however, is his silk black bowtie.
            Magnolia Ciel
            Human. F. 17
            Semblance: Net Force.  Her punches impact the entire mass of her foes; objects with more mass take more damage.
            Weapon: “The Champions Knuckles & Greaves.” Magnolia’s weapon(s) is a pair of vambraces and boots.  Her weapons are composed of a brass, and made to only fit her.  Her knuckles are loaded with all types of dust, and the ends of her weapons (at the elbow and back of the heel) are equipped with small rockets, making for comet-like attacks.  Her fighting style is mainly offensive and strategic; she waits and observes, and attacks full force, even being able to penetrate through shields and armor.
            Magnolia, as you may have guessed, is Teal’s twin sister.  She serves as the more relaxed half, the more responsible sibling despite being younger.  Unfortunately, she takes on Teal’s dull side.  She is vague and often seems like she lacks interest.  However, she has a crude humor; her personality is extremely passive.  She makes many jokes that go unnoticed in conversation, and has brutal silent sarcasm.
Her hair is naturally a vivacious dark pink (Teal’s hair is dyed).  Her features are nearly the same as her brothers; the same fiery red eyes and bronze skin and short stature.  She wears a roughly ruffled combat skirt, and a tight-yet-mobile pea coat.  Her brass gloves and boots are a mere article in her outfit, but still deadly in their own way.  She wears ripped tights, and a gold necklace under her blouse.
            Hikari “Lake” Akiro
            Human. M. 16
            Semblance: Water and Fire Manipulation.
            Weapon: “The Skyfall’s Flame.” Lake’s weapon is a versatile marble hilt and jacket.  The back of his jacket is a revolving wheel of water and fire dust.  His marble hilt is adorned with a ruby and a sapphire, and can turn into a pistol.  He uses his weapon in a variety of ways; a combusting/freezing sword and ice shield, an ice lance, cutlass, and a lasso of fire or water.
            Lake is a complicated human.  He is a calmer version of Teal; happy-go-lucky without the ADHD (not to downtrod ADHD by the way).  He is inexperienced, but carries a determined attitude towards everything he does.  He always believes there’s room for improvement somewhere.  He is patient and reserved like Magnolia, but also somewhat boyish and immature when around certain people (a.k.a Teal). 
He has fair skin and rosy cheeks.  His predominantly eastern heritage (despite being from Vacuo) shows in his dark blue, slanted eyes and black hair.  His average height is balanced by his frame, which is toned well from swimming.  He dyes the locks of his hair a dark turquoise at the tips.  He wears a lake-green motorcycle jacket and jeans ripped at the knees and the cuffs at his ankles.  He wears a plain white shirt underneath his jacket and a silver necklace.
These are just my main characters from my own RWBY-verse, and I was curious to see how other people could use them.  Here’s a link to their story if you wanna check out more: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11654818/1/The-Mis-Adventures-of-Team-TRML-Tourmaline
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poetryofyouth · 8 years ago
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Self realizations
tw: gender dysphoria, depression, bullying, homophobia, etc basically don’t read unless you want to feel down and hate me forever
(please don’t reblog)
(I just finished these >1800 words of rambling, it probably doesn’t make sense, and if you read this you know me better than my therapist, sorry bout that)
I used to be an asshole, I mean I still am in some ways, but my assholery nowadays is mostly just me being cynical towards conservative/homophobic/transphobic/ignorant people who also are assholes in my humble opinion.
I used to kinda be a homophobic /transphobic/ignorant asshole and I just get sick at what kind of an abusive dick I was.
I picked at my younger brother for liking the colour red, painting his nails, wanting to dress up as a princess in my old costume and other things.  I used the word “gay” as an insult and a curse word. I picked on a relatively flat chested girl in my class and talked about her small breast behind her back because,,, peer pressure?? I told transphobic jokes, called trans* people “it” or their birth pronoun I made fun of people in public who didn’t look obviously look like a woman or a man and called them “it” when trying to find out what sex they were with friends. I actively told homophobic jokes, laughed at homophobic jokes and encouraged the use of slurs I didn’t stand up for queer people. I used to think being gay was bad and being trans was sick I don’t think I knew that non-binary was a thing, but I would have laughed at anyone trying to tell me there were more than two genders I used to feel disgusted at trans women I mercylessly used queerness as a punchline in jokes I used to desperately kling to gender norms and basically made fun of anyone who defied those Like I remember how wrong it felt when we played family at preschool and a boy wanted to be the mum, it was weird and wrong to me. And I then I used to think that gender wasn’t really a thing at all just because my expericene with it was?? basically
And it’s not my parents fault I was a douchy kid. They didn’t give a single fuck when my brother and I played with my Barbies, or with his Lego. They didn’t care when we both dressed up as princesses or as pirates, or when I painted his nails bright pink (because he wanted me to). It was always me who was an asshole and abusive. And gosh I was an agressive kid, I loved to scuffle and sword fight with sticks while at the same time thinking it was wrong because that’s what boys and only boys do. I definatley didn’t have a rough childhood or anything, it was just me.
Basically, I was a total bag of dicks until I was, probably, 14, when I couldn’t escape the reality of my queerness anymore. I still did some of the things then, but it had more of a bitter aftertaste and I had fallen madly in love with a girl I knew for like a week before never seeing her again. I was probably in love with my female best friend before that, since I was 12, but didn’t really know since “girls can only have crushes on boys”. There was this game, Pflicht, Wahl oder Wahrheit, kind of like truth or dare, and the standard question was always “which boy do you have a crush on right now?” and i just couldn’t comprehend the concept of that. I read in magazines how it should feel like to have a crush on a boy, and it just didn’t happen? I tried making myself fall in love and pretended to, but you can’t just force these things, obviously.  And I got never picked on as a kid, I would have been the perfect victim, shy, quiet, fat, ugly,..., but I guess I was just lucky. And my class all the way through school was great.
Anyways, I was fourteen and I knew I was gay, it still sounded disgusting in my head, and had a crush on a girl I hadn’t seen in months. I started isolating myself and simply not talking to anyone in my class and hiding at the bathroom in the breaks just to avoid people. I don’t think I was depressed then, but I think that’s where it started, even though it took years to reach peak crisis. With 15, i still wasn’t out to anybody irl even though i read an watched a lot of things about sexuality and finally kind of stared to accept this part of myself. Then, in 10th grade, I did a foreign high school year in the USA. I was randomly placed in Ohio, with a hyper conservative family, i don’t think i need say more. During my first month, I subtly asked my host mother what she thought about homosexuality, and she straight up told me “I don’t like gay people”. Great, obviously coming out wasn’t happening there. I saw the humorous side ot this, sometimes, when I felt like a undercover liberal queer spy who is for health care and likes Obama more than bush.  I wrote so many emails to friends without sending them, about me being gay. I couldn’t even say the word lesbian without feeling weird. During that time, I also started to self harm seriously. And even though I wasn’t out to anyone, I was bullied for being gay by two girls during lunch. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t deny being gay, so I just sat quietly and told no one about anything.
When I got home things got a little better, I chopped of my hair and died it red and loved it. I came out to two friends, and slowly to others as well. They were all super accepting. I had my first (and only for now) girlfriend at 16 and came out to my parents, who of course didn’t mind and kind of knew before. I still cried, and I love them to death.  So everything should have been fine at that point exept it wasn’t and I was a depressed self-harming suicidal mess until I attempted suicide in September 2015 when I was 17. Then I was locked up in a psychiatry for 3 months.  Even after that I was too broken to continue school, since the pressure and especially one of the teachers were the main reason for my mental health issues. So I was a high school drop out and i still feel ashamed for that, one year later. Mental health issues make everything harder.  And even though my internalized homophobia was not the only reason, it definately contibruted to the mess i was.
Again, I have never been bullied by my Austrian class mates (the asshole ohio girls were not at home) but still my class teacher appearently thought my issues and the reason i dropped out was because of bullying and scolded my class mates for being mean. When I heard that, months later, I felt super guilty these guys have never done anything wrong to me in their life! 
That’s where schools go wrong, they say bullying wiill not be tolerated and don’t do anything to help victims of bullying, and accuse students of bullying when the actual reason other students feel down is just school itself.
In fall of 2016, I went to New Zealand for three months and volunteered in environmental protection, and this was the most healing thing I could have done. Seriously, no amount of therapy or medication could compare to knowing I am doing something for the planet, for the future. Of course that’s not for everybody, but for me it was the best possible thing to happen
So I’m in an allright place right now, not cured, but okay for the most part. I can say i am happy being gay and wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I have also started to accept my queerness on another level, the gender queer level. I identify as non-binary, that might change, but i’m fairly comfortable with it.
Right now I am in a weird dysphoric mood (yeah who would have guessed?) and feel really bad about my chest. I need to buy a binder. I felt so uncomfortable with my fat curvy body for the last few days. And binding with a wide belt and bandages is not healthy, I know, but I need to do something to be able to look in the mirror!
I think my picking at the girl with small breasts stemmed from jealousy, same with picking on my brother for doing traditionally feminine things. I wanted to not be a girl so bad all my life, all the signs were there, but I just pushed it into the back of my head and acted like the ignorant assholes i hate today.
One of my fondest, little childhood memories was when i was probably just 6 years old, and had short hair and basically looked like a little boy. My brother’s preschool teacher once thought I actually was a boy and asked my brother about his “brother”, refering to me when i went with my mother to pick him up form preschool. And hearing this stranger calling me “boy” was just a feeling of total bliss, I was so excited and happy because I was not called a girl. Unfortunately my mother corrected her. 
I grew my hair out and had long hair consistently for 10 years until I cut it off again. At first it was a feminine pixie cut, now it’s basically a men’s haircut. I don’t even go to a hair dresser, my mum cuts mine, my father’s, and my brother’s hair, which is great, because I hate going to hair dresser. 
I sometimes get “misgendered” in public and it’s still great, I just love being perceived as masculine (well when I’m feeling and presenting that way, but when I’m not I don’t get misgendered, at least I haven’t yet). I think it’s called gender euphoria, and love that word.
I haven’t completely figured out either my sexuality or my gender identity so I just identify as queer. I’m out as a lesbian to my friends and family, I don’t know when I will be able to talk to them about my gender identity/pronouns. Especially because there isn’t a pronoun in German I feel as comfortable with as “they/their”. 
And sometimes I still wake up and think “maybe I’m just faking it for attention, maybe I’m just a neurotypical, straight, cis girl who wants to feel like a special snowflake on the internet” even though straight and cis and girl feel so wrong that I feel as uncomfortable saying them as I used to feel uncomfortable saying “lesbian”. Well maybe I always knew that I wasn’t really a lesbian. The words I love now are queer, non-binary, and gay. And using/hearig them doensn’t make me anxious or uncomfortable. I just started smiling typing them. I am happy with these words, maybe just for now, maybe forever. 
TL;DR My internalized homophobia and transphobia and lack of understanding of myself and my sexuality turned me into a depressed asshole, and I hope to attone for these sins by being the queer person I am without feeling guilty.
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sarahaltmanposts · 6 years ago
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The Invisible Side Effects
September 10, 2018
Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.  I’m not talking about God.  Or oxygen.  Nope, I’m referring to the side effects of chemo.  
This week marked the half way point in my chemotherapy treatments.  And while there’s a part of me that finds joy in this milestone, I have to admit that mostly, I just feel like crap.
WARNING:  Self-pity and wallowing to follow. If you’re not up for it, skip down to paragraph five!
True, the physical side effects of this regiment are so much more tolerable than the first round. There’s just a little peach fuzz left on my head now, barely visible unless you look really closely.  My eyebrows and lashes have begun to disappear. I get sores in my mouth and the treatments leave me constipated, which lead to everlasting hemorrhoids. I also have a horrible metal taste in my mouth, so I’m alternately unable to eat and starving.  And I have the beginning signs of neuropathy, where my fingers and toes feel like they’re falling asleep and on pins and needles. I am tired.  All of the time. HOWEVER, I am able to complete many of my daily tasks, function in the world, and participate. So for that I’m grateful.  
But I’ve realized that the physical side effects are only a part of what has been affecting my daily life.  There is some serious stuff going on that’s problematic beyond the physical level.  Stuff you wouldn’t see if you ran into me at the grocery store.  It’s all about my psychological and emotional state. And it can be a bugger.
Ever taken steroids before? I hadn’t.  I take a small dose the night before and morning of my treatments to help my body avoid a bad reaction to the chemo. I imagined steroids would make me feel the way I do on antihistamines…you know, that feeling like your blood is racing and you can’t calm it down?  But nope, this is very different.  
After I seemed to experience no obvious physical symptoms on my first doses of steroids, I thought I’d gotten by with a pass.  I was energetic, even jovial.  But steroids are a stealthy little devil.
I began noticing I wasn’t sleepy at bedtime.  I’d fall asleep for maybe an hour and then be wide awake.  But unlike bouts with insomnia, I wasn’t tired.  I was alert and ready to keep going.  I found myself creating all sorts of spreadsheets with end of year projections, cleaned up the contents on my computer, went through lots of pictures, all in the wee hours of the night.  I’d do anything that was relatively quiet.  Ok, that’s not so bad. I can deal.
Then I noticed how productive I was during the day.  It was like I was working on hyper speed, ultra focused on the task at hand. I’d move from one thing to the next with great sufficiency.  My house has never been so clean!
And then I noticed I was much more irritable than normal.  I mean… MUCH more irritable.  (In all fairness, it took two rounds of taking the steroids for me to notice the pattern. And although I was aware, this MAY have been pointed out to me by someone I love.)  I overheard my husband, who’d taken my two boys aside. The conversation went something like this:  “Boys, there’s a thing called Roid Rage and your Mommy is probably experiencing some of this, so it’s probably best to give her space for the couple days after her chemo treatment.”  It reminded me of the old PMS days when my hormones would throw me into a state of ultra sensitivity to sound, taste, socks on the floor… you know, things that normally don’t put me over the edge.
But the part that has been hardest to deal with is the depression.  I’m unsure if it’s the result of the steroids or the chemo drugs, but it is real.  I get caught in some downward spirals that I have a hard time battling.  And I’m triggered by things that, before I was highly medicated, wouldn’t have bothered me; like our financial situation, my choice to stay home with the boys (see Dark),  or even being bald.  Suddenly I find myself very self-conscious of the lack of hair on my head.  I catch myself in the mirror and I’m stunned at how bald I am!  Or I’ll be out in public and am suddenly mindful that I’ve got a scarf covering my bald head.  In my right mind, I can get myself out of this type of negative self-talk, but these days it’s much more challenging.
I also find myself focusing on the negative much more than I did before.  I’m impatient with friends and family.  Intolerant of stupidity. (Well, ok, I was like that before.) And hyper sensitive.  I feel lonely on a different level than before too.  And there’s a part of me that just wants to be alone to avoid putting my bad mood, energy, stuff on the people around me.  
Add to this my weakened physical state, and I have a sense that I’m always one step behind all the things I need to be doing, playing catch up a lot. I’m completing my ‘normal’ activities, getting the boys where they have to be, cooking meals, doing laundry, paying bills, homeschooling my younger son.  But things like walking and exercising, that used to make me feel energized now leave me feeling depleted and weak.
Lack of sleep combined with my mental and physical state leaves me feeling unmotivated. To-do lists, which had been easy for me to prioritize and complete in the past, now sit stalled, swirling in my head (or on notes on my computer!).  There’s a general fogginess that lingers and complicates clear thinking and it works in direct contrast to the steroids effects, leaving me feeling frustrated.  
So on the outside I look normal. But it’s almost like I’m chasing my old life- trying to FORCE myself to be in a place that I just can’t sustain right now.  
(My apologies to those who wanted to avoid the wallowing.  It snuck in…)
Two weeks before I was diagnosed last March, we’d shared a big plan to take our boys to Disney World in May. The only vacations we’ve taken up until now involved meeting up with family, so this was a big deal.  Unable to go then, we re-scheduled to November.  But last week I realized that although I may appear to be doing ok, the truth is, I’m just not back to speed yet.  The chemo is taking both visible and invisible tolls on me and I just can’t deny that any longer.  Having to tell my boys that we would have to postpone this trip…again…nearly broke my heart.
It has been six months since diagnosis.  A lot has changed.  I’ve got eight more treatments, a surgery and many years of medication still ahead of me.  Is it a wonder that I’m having challenges?  Maybe it’s time for me to lighten up a bit?  Perhaps I’ve set the bar a bit too high too soon?  I’m so anxious to get my life back that I’m being a bit unrealistic, pushing myself too fast.  When I was an actor, we called it ‘acting as if.’  But I can’t act my way through this one.  And honestly, I really don’t want to.  I’m too tired. Two more months of this seem insurmountable.
It occurs to me that perhaps I’m still coming to terms with this whole thing.  Have I been in denial and this is another level of acceptance?  I want to be very careful here because the truth is that I no longer have cancer.  It has all been removed through surgery and these treatments are insurance to keep it away.  But maybe this is an acceptance to the experience as a whole?
Friends ask how I’m doing and they share that I look good.  I’m grateful to be looking healthy, for sure, but it’s not that simple really.  It’s the invisible stuff affecting my experience that’s hard to articulate in a polite, concise manner. But I guess the gist is, this cancer stuff is still kicking my butt!  And what you may not be seeing is that I am struggling.  My body may look fine from the outside, but inside I’m fighting to stay vertical every day.  Although the physical has improved, I am still drained and depleted and it takes a tremendous amount of energy to remain positive and functional.  
So maybe I could be a little more patient with myself….
I look around and realize that so many people are struggling with their own challenges, both visible and invisible. I feel tremendous compassion and hope that my interactions may change someone’s experience for the better. I’m mindful to be kind to others because I just never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life.  And I remind myself to extend the same courtesy to my own experience, as I try to be gentle, patient and kind to myself.  
I know my situation is not that special. My challenge these days is just more concrete.  But it IS temporary.  It will end.  And come June of next year, I hope to be in Disney World, celebrating my health, knowing that cancer has come and gone and I am back.  
In loving,
Sarah
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