#not gonna tag the others bc they're barely mentioned

[sulumuns-dootah]

Taking the WHB demons thrifting

⟡ Masterlist ⟡ 

Characters: Paimon, Bimet, Eligos, Barbatos, Beelzebub, Amon, Morax, Ronove, Andrealphus, Vassago

A/N: First time writing for Vassago so let's hope I can nail his personality down since we didn't really get much of him the Beleth/Bephie event.

    ༺☆༻

The best one to go with, honestly

You could be looking through a rack for hours and yet, they manage to find something cute and in your size in the same rack

Will hype you up to buy something a bit out of your comfort zone

A thrifting trip can't be complete without a lunch before and a slushie or a visit to a café afterwards

    ༺☆༻

"Tell me why we're buying rags after some hobos instead of buying something nice and unworn, again?"

You've made a mistake, I'm afraid

Even designer outlets aren't good enough for Bimet

Your explanations about how more fun and good for the planet it is fall on deaf ears

    ༺☆༻

Another amazing patootie to choose to go with

It's harder for him to find something he likes, but once he sees the stuff you like, he's hoarding that shi at your feet

Snacks, snacks, snacks!

Honestly tho, Eli and Pai is the best fashion duo ever

    ༺☆༻

For someone who is naked most of the time, Barbs enjoys shopping for clothes a lot

He's especially interested in eye-catching prints

Doesn't really care about what you like, but what he would like on you (again, he literally wants you to be naked all the time, so what's the point of picking out clothes for you?)

Withe very item he wants to get the criteria are: how easy is it to remove? and will it make Barbatos look too good, making Leviathan hang him out of envy?

    ༺☆༻

This fucker tagged along only bc you promised to take him to some restaurant he hasn't tried before after you're done

*sigh* I hate to say it, but he would try to smell the articles of clothing for any remaining scent of the previous owner

You better hold him by the scruff of his neck so he doesn't do anything

"I like this top, I'm gonna buy it." "Oh? Lemme see *sniff sniff* Ooh, this belonged to someone who liked italian food and mostly matched it with (some other article of clothing)!"

    ༺☆༻

Amon, doesn't really have much of an input

Most likely he'll just stay parked somewhere, leaning against a wall and sleepily watch you browse the racks

When you ask for his opinion, you always get the same answer: "Looks good on you, love"

If you find something he might like, he'll have more to say, but is mostly happy that you want to get him something

    ༺☆༻

Aw, this cutie only went with you because you mentioned you wanna go to a cat café afterwards

Ironically, Morax ends up getting more things than you

The amount of fluffy and comfy sweaters that he can wear at home is enough to fill two bags

Visit to the cat café goes even better

You barely couldn't even leave bc the cats kept surrounding Morax

    ༺☆༻

As soon as you enter the store, he's immediately making his way to the lingerie section

"Hey, how about this? You'd look good in this and wouldn't have to be mad at me for ripping it apart."

To be fair, his style is on point and you end up buying the things he found for you

But to disappoint him, you also don't want him to rip thise things too, especially since they're unique and not from some store where you can buy more

    ༺☆༻

Oh no, this poor baby is trying to help you find nice things, but he can only pick them out by touch :(

He always brings you the ugliest things and it hurts you to tell him that they might feel nice, but look horrible

You end up buying some of the stuff anyway, so you can at least wear them at home while spending time with Andre

On the other hand, you find some nice suits for him, but he hates the texture of them

    ༺☆༻

Somehow, going thrifting with Vassago, you come out with outfits that would make a profesional stylist jealous

This man can take anything and make it look fancy af

Hell, you could give him a tablecloth and he'll make you look like a greek statue

In the end you both end up having a full bag of things

You have a bag of stuff for yourself and Vassago has a bag full of stuff for Agares

[gravidwithlore]

A human in their early 20's, raised from birth to be a Hero, sets out on their first journey, tasked with putting together his first adventuring party. His family has high hopes for him, but he's never wanted to be a hero. Free from his families constant pressure and able to make his own choices for the first time in his life, all he wants to do is spread his legs and sleep around every city, town, and village he wanders through. He quickly begins to collect admirers and lovers across the land, as he has the time of his life being the carefree little slut he knows in his heart he was always meant to be.

Until, one day he gets kidnapped and held prisoner by the BBEG because of a new prophecy that states our young "hero" would end their evil reign. Once he meets the young man, the curve of his belly is unmistakable. The BBEG assumes the prophecy means that the child growing in his belly will grow to defeat him, and plans to keep the "hero" hostage until he gives birth, then raise the child as his own evil heir to try and prevent the prophecy coming true.

Little do they know an adventuring party made up of our slutty little "hero's" baby daddies are on their way to kick their ass and set him free.

I was gonna put this in the tags but then decided to just put it under a read more:

-The guys name is Hiro because that'd be so fucking funny bc despite his entire life revolving around becoming a true (traditional) hero, he is absolutely NOT that at all

-He's not even mad about the kidnapping, I dont think he even realizes he's been kidnapped. He's like 'oh you wanna adopt my baby? Thats cool I don't think I'm ready to be a parent yet anyway. Oh, AND I get to stay in your sick-ass mansion the entire time??? Hell yeah dude you're the best!" And the BBEG is like 'what the hell kind of mind game is this?????'

-Hiro keeps trying to seduce the BBEG bc his libido was crazy before, but with the pregnancy hormones it's off the charts. But, the BBEG thinks the seduction is a ploy to trick him into letting his guard down so he can betray them later. Despite how much his body wants to give in he always rebuffs Hiro, but its getting harder and harder to resist his advances. Hiro barely notices the BBEG white knuckling his way through yet another attempt at seduction, then shrugs and tries to seduce one of the BBEGs minions. But word spreads quickly and soon all of them are fighting every nerve in their body to resist Hiro's advances bc theyre so scared of their boss and how he might react if they found out.

-The adventuring party is on a grueling fantasy quest to save him, but Hiro is living out his Beauty and the Beast fantasy except instead of a woman who reads and a man cursed to live as a beast, its a slutty knocked up himbo and an evil murderous tyrant. The more the BBEG rebuffs his advances the more intrigued by him Hiro becomes, and the time they spend with Hiro they find themselves wanting to be a better person for the sake of this sweet horny himbo.

- They are so far off from being on the same wavelength, the BBEG is living out an epic romance novel about the hero's love and affection transforming them into something redeemable, possibly, someday, bordering on good. Meanwhile Hiro's like 'why doesn't this guy wanna fuck me? Huh, what an interesting person, I sort of wanna know more about him other than just how good they can lay that pipe, if ya know what I'm saying, although, if they're ever down I am always down to clown.' All the BBEG minions are watching the romantic tension develop and thicken, their collective blood pressure has never been so high.

-And I haven't even mentioned how gently and reverently the BBEG carasses Hiro's baby bump. The first time the baby kicks, Hiro runs to find the BBEG so he can bring their hand to feel, and the Big Bad evildoer almost bursts into tears.

- At first the plan to steal the baby and raise it as their own (to be evil of course, every true hero's worst nightmare!) was just out of desperation to avoid the prophecy, but they begin to find themselves really warming up to the idea of being a parent, of maybe even having a family. With Hiro? No, of course not what a silly little daydream, the hero never falls for the villain! How could they ever think Hiro of all people could love someone like them!

- Around this time Hiro really discovers that being pregnant? Sorta hot actually. Sorta really hot actually. He didn't plan on having kids really, but then again he hadn't known before how good being so full and round with life would feel. He knows that this kind rich guy offered to adopt his baby then go their separate ways, but they're really cool actually and nice to be around, and Hiro wants to stick around. Maybe eventually they would want some siblings for the first kid? Hiro wouldn't mind being asked to give them. He definitely wouldn't mind being asked over and over again. And if the kind man asked if he wanted to stay to help raise their kids and watch them grow up, then Hiro probably wouldn't say no. The more he thinks about it, the more he'd be likely to say yes, actually. Yes, please. Yes, please, ask him to stay! Ask him to stay forever and ever!

- Eventually they confess to each other. Hiro never seems to realize that the BBEG ever had evil intentions, even when explicitly told that was the case, but the BBEG eventually catches on to Hiro's wavelength and it makes them love the adorable idiot even more. All the minions are relieved the romantic tension is gone, but now they're stressed about the drastically increased possibility of running into Hiro and their boss fucking like rabbits no matter where they go in the giant labyrinth of a castle they work (and live) in. Nowhere is safe, but at least their boss is happy???

- Eventually the adventuring party of baby daddies shows up. Hiro is like 'oh geez, my past one night stands/exes are here, thats so awkward, oh shit what if one of them is the bio dad to this baby???' And BBEG is like 'omg, I've changed, im changing, i swear ill do better, he's free to do as he pleases and I'm in love with him, I guess the prophecy came true bc I fell head over heels for him, and all my evil plans are ruined bc all i want is to make him happy, I'm a new person on a new path, please don't fight me, I swear it's true!' And the party is exhausted and worn down and just so very confused (they also may not have known Hiro was even pregnant and that they're all potential fathers, they just all cared about Hiro's safety).

-Cue a shaky truce between the now morally gray BBEG and the rest of the world, while Hiro is living his own happily ever after with his hot rich bf who keeps him (and his kids) well taken care of and as knocked up as he could ever want.

[unhingedlesbear]

Okay fuck it yeah I'm making the post idc abt backlash. First of all the hidden agenda fandom doesn't exist anymore so whos even gonna have an issue. But if you do feel called out um. Maybe thats ur problem idk bc I'm not aiming at anyone in particular here.

Anyway long ass ramble abt the tiny dead Hidden Agenda fandom below the cut

This is mainly something I noticed looking through the very limited amount of Hidden Agenda fics on ao3, but it's VERY obvious on there. The vast majority of fics on there are centered on Adam and Finn, which I can understand more since they have an interesting backstory and are well written characters, sure. But then you look at the others and the other characters that are centered are... Riggs and Calvary?

In the actual game ofc Becky and Felicity are the main characters. Both of them not only are pretty objectively interesting characters on their own, and even more so together. On top of this they have the most shipping potential of any two characters in that game, it's literally basically canon, it's not even subtext atp it's literally just text. NO other two characters have that amount of chemistry in the game, and yet there is a noticeable lack of gravey fics in that tag. And I'll stress again bc I know how defensive people got last time I made this kind of observation, I'm not pointing fingers or calling anyone misogynistic/racist/homophobic BUT. but. When the two mcs are women, one of which is poc, and they're implied to be lesbians, and they get sidelined by the fandom despite being the focuses of the game... it's kinda hard not to assume there's some kind of bias there.

And on another point, it's similar when it comes to supporting characters too. In a way I'm disappointed but absolutely not surprised that Adam/Finn is prioritized in fan works over Becky/Felicity, but when characters like Riggs and Calvary are also given more attention than them it becomes way more suspicious to me. Riggs is a fine character, I like him enough and I can see why others might like him more, but wbk he doesn't really have all that much relevance. Calvary is even more confusing bc he basically JUST exists to be a creepy misogynistic asshole and as unlikeable as possible. Thankfully I haven't seen him getting a lot of attention but the fact that I've seen him getting any that isn't entirely negative is... hm...

Now there ARE in fact male characters that can be both relevant and likeable: Tom and Karl. (I talk shit abt Karl bc it's a joke I started with friends, I'm gonna drop that for this post obv bc we're being fr here) these two are pretty obviously more relevant than Riggs or Calvary, they're literally Becky's partners (Tom can even replace Riggs' entire role lmao, and if he's replaced himself it's by Karl) and I'd say they're also both likeable characters on their own too. And yet I'm pretty sure I found maybe one??? fic with them in it? Probably should have mentioned this earlier but yeah, they're both poc.

So like... I feel like it all comes down to what Becky/Felicity/Tom/Karl have in common and then what Adam/Finn/Riggs/Calvary have in common. It strikes me as questionable. But like maybe I'm just an annoying snowflake though idk🤷‍♀️ /s

This turned into more of a ramble than anything and I'm aware i'm also yelling into a void bc I'm posting entirely for a dead fandom that barely existed to begin with, but tbh this stuff applies to most if not all larger fandoms as well, i'm just looking at it from what I've seen in the remnants of the HA fandom. Again I am not attacking anyone here, I am making observations. If you're like mad or something I'm just gonna assume you didn't even read the whole post. Yes ur allowed to like characters, but I am also allowed to address what I've noticed about what characters seem to be more liked than others.

[ohyesididnotjustdothat]

PLEASE tell me more about armporsche it's always been kind of on my radar but that gifset and your tags SOLD me and now I suddenly NEED more armporsche to add to the army of ships so..... pretty please?🥺💜

Ok, so i'm gonna touch on some points where arm seemed to interfere on Porsche's behalf more than you'd anticipate from a bodyguard who theoretically should have no stake in it, so i'm gonna preempt this w my basis for the pairing.

I believe Arm is the one who performed the background check on Porsche. I think this allowed Arm some insight into Porsche before anyone else--not just into Porsche's baggage, but Porsche's personality. The sweet, kind, hardworking older brother who is constantly struggling to provide for his baby bro in a cruel world that left him adrift after the tragic passing of his parents, prey to the sharks circling in the water. A man forced to be a father, a mother, a brother, a fighter, a lover--all in equal measure until he's bursting at the seams w all the facets of himself he's forced to internalize and exaggerate just to survive.

w that in mind, this will likely get long and rambly and i'm gonna take a lot of liberties, but this is just how i choose to read into the text to rationalize this pairing lol

so first off, when tankhun is seeking retribution for his koi. the stakes aren't nearly the same, but arm's expression of suppressed panic reminds me of kinn w the minor family conflict (where the gears are working in overdrive to find an out), and in the end, it's arm's quick thinking that saves porsche (albeit only temporarily)--just like kinn

also, when porsche takes tankhun out and kinn calls him to follow, everyone thinks porsche is in trouble, but note what pol (left) tells him, and what arm says

pol is understandably concerned for porsche, but doesn't rlly consider himself in a position to do anything about it, bc he's not. arm isn't rlly either, yet he explicitly gives porsche an avenue to confide in someone, despite their relationship still being relatively new and porsche already having pete (ironically, when porsche does eventually offload onto someone, it ends up being kinn on the pier)

then we have arm physically protecting porsche from tankhun's wrath at the expense of his safety

so u may have noticed i like comparing arm and kinn. i like to place them side by side bc i feel it provides a nice parallel, tho u may notice the drastic contrast in stakes; this dichotomy actually enhances the parallels for me, bc i feel it reflects the distinction between kinn's feelings, which have the capacity to develop into something intense and passionate (bc of porsche's reciprocation) and arm's, whose feelings are kind of doomed to just fade into the background bc they're unrequited

these i'm including to note that, at some point off-screen, porsche and arm obviously are bonding, bc their relationship has quickly gone from just working together to spending time w each other outside their duties and comfortable enough to be more tactile (in other words, closer to actual friends outside of work)

I'm gonna go ahead and link ur reblog of @kinnbig's gif set to save myself time, but the concern and care arm takes towards porsche in these scenes drives me insane, so there's that (the gif set that set me down this rabbit hole lol)

HEY!! what's this have to do w arm?? he had nothing to do w this ep--he barely even showed up!!! well this is another one of those off-screen extrapolations i'm prone to. particularly kinn and porsche's date. how can kinn and porsche move around together w no one in the compound knowing? likely they can't. and if anyone's gonna know kinn's whereabouts, who would that be? kinn may not have told him the specifics, but i assume arm was keeping an eye on them via gps, and arm still kept it under wraps, despite likely knowing what had already developed between the two (we know he kept this a secret bc pete and pol know nothing of what arm's talking about when he mentions helping porsche w tawan). i'd argue that i wouldn't be surprised if arm actually caught them on the cctv before (they weren't subtle) and just opted to keep it to himself for their sakes

speaking of supporting porsche, even w the excitement of their relationship becoming public, arm is still concerned about what will happen to porsche (tbf to pol, i think it's just bc he doesn't think in that context, not bc he wasn't worried lol)

so imma start winding down, bc i've spent enough time showcasing how unhinged i am about this concept, but i'd be remiss if i didn't call to attention how INSANE the insinuation here is. arm is a professional. he is tactful. he is ready to throw it all away bc porsche is a petty bf LOL. like i am reeling at the implication that arm was gonna bust in on his boss flirting it up w some twink and do. what?? WHAT WERE U GONNA HAVE ARM DO, PORSCHE, THAT'S HIS BOSS AND UNLIKE U, HE'S NOT FUCKING HIM!! HE CAN'T SHAKE THAT ASS AND GET OFF THE HOOK OMFG ASLFKJ

Anyway, it's difficult to do in a BL, bc there's rarely any focus outside of the pairings, particularly after they become established, but that's some insight into how i've constructed an unrequited love narrative between ArmPorsche. I'm still first and foremost a KinnPorsche girly, but i love turning over the possibilities of the secondary relationships in my head like a rotisserie chicken, so if you've stayed this long, i hoped you enjoyed my ramblings X'DDD

[real-life-cloud]

Hey uhh I vaguely remember reading in your tags somewhere some time maybe long ago that you were homeschooled, do you mind me asking just generally what that was like? Don‘t share if you don‘t want to

Y'know what, sure! I like telling stories and oversharing on the internet tbh. Strap in lol it got long.

Tldr; homeschooling was isolating, it definitely set me back socially. The self paced nature of the work put way too much pressure on me, and now I have terrible choice paralysis and rarely finish a project I start. If you or someone you know is considering homeschooling someone, make sure they know what they're getting into.

A lot of homeschooled kids were put into that kind of schooling because their parents want to monitor them. That's not healthy. I'm sure that's not how it is every time and that there's applications of homeschooling that work for people, but it needs to be done well. Kids need to be properly socialized, supported, and given the privacy they need.

Some background info on why I left public: There was an incident where a teacher yelled at me for no good reason in front of the entire student body during lunch. (I was holding a piece of paper (THAT ANOTHER TEACHER GAVE ME FOR HIM TO SIGN) in the lunchroom which wasn't allowed??) I was EXTREMELY embarrassed and anxious around that teacher from then on. I got moved to a different class so I didn't have to be near him. The guidance counselor was really helpful during the whole thing.

OKAY storytime 📖

"Homeschooling" can mean a couple different things , I did it two different ways at points in my life. I feel like the first thing ppl think of is being taught at home by a tutor or parent, but I wasn't homeschooled in this way. And I was in public school until about 7th grade actually!

However, my mom was super mad, and wanted to talk to the man that yelled at me, but the principal wouldn't let her. They kept giving excuses as to why but the jist was: the guy was an asshole and they knew it. SO mom got fed up with the staff and just pulled me out of public school altogether. It was actually my idea! The thought of seeing that teacher again was so upsetting that I just wanted to leave.

[ I feel like I should also mention that I grew up religious and that it was super common for kids to be homeschooled in my church; you were looked up to for homeschooling your kid bc it "kept them away from bad association" and "gave them more time to devote to god." So my mom didn't really fight me on the suggestion. ]

First, I did cyber school! I was in cyber school from 7th - 10th ish. I was given a laptop that blocked anything fun (but not well, so I zipped right past all the blocks lol) and had online classes. It was similar to how I think school worked during covid? No cameras yet tho, just a teacher on VC with power point slides and a chatroom for students. I was a pretty good student up until this point, but I started barely scraping by a lot of classes and failing others. I think I retook pre algebra 3 times? I passed with a very low D 🫶

And SOME classes were self paced. Those were the Fucking Worst. No teacher, not really. I could technically email a teacher with questions but I was a horribly anxious little 14 yr old so no way was I gonna do that. I remember one year I had a civics class that was self paced and I was so lost and stressed about it that I procrastinated til the entire course had like a week til it was due. And it wasn't just tests, I had to make multiple power points on different topics throughout the course. I had a complete emotional breakdown in front of my mom cause I'd been hiding this from her. I was so afraid she'd be mad, but she helped me finish everything on time. She basically did like half of it for me, bless her. God I hated that class.

So at this point school is going. Kind of really bad. My grades suck and half the time I cheat. I don't really have friends because all I do is sit on my laptop and go to church with my family. I didn't have any contact with my old school friends because they weren't a part of my religion. (Jehovah's Witnesses are super exclusive and cult-y) And teenage me has just realized they're not straight!

Like many isolated, repressed, gay teenagers, I mainly expressed myself online. But a few months after I turned 16, my parents found my secret email account that was connected to all my private social media. It was very apparent I was gay. So I outed myself by accident. They pretty much took away all my access to the internet and started paying super close attention to the media I consumed. I'm just glad they didn't go to our church elders and tell on me for my sins or whatever. Life continued as "normal" with them just. Pretending it didn't happen and hoping and praying that I'd magically turn straight. I actually recently found out that my parents NEVER talked about my sexuality with each other during this stage. They just completely avoided the topic.

[ another note, my entire immediate family is actually out of that religion now, and everybody's cool with the gay thing 🫶 my dad actually told me that my coming out is what made him question some things with our religion. ]

But then it became a question of what I was supposed to do for school. I couldn't be on the Websites That Turn You Gay, but I was also doing bad in school and would be put behind a grade or two. Not to mention I was terribly anxious and hadn't really socialized with people my age for the past 3 or so years.

That's how I started correspondence schooling! Another kind of home schooling. It's exactly what it sounds like. The school sends you books and tests, then you mail back the finished papers to be graded. And you might be thinking, Cloudy didn't you just go over how much you hated the self paced classes in cyber? This sounds just like that but worse! And I would say why yes, anon, I did! Such a good memory!! Gold star for you ⭐

This schooling didn't go great, as you could imagine... I think I finished two classes? This didn't have any time limit, however. So why on earth would I feel any pressure to do anything? Overall it was a giant waste of money. I just kept not doing it! Then life got super crazy, I won't go into detail but it was a rollercoaster of family drama, my mental health being at the worst it ever was, and leaving that religion. And then covid!!!! Everything happens so much 😞

I was so far from my diploma that I gave up on finishing my classes and started focusing on getting my GED. This took me another 2 years lol. I finally got it last summer!! I also landed a new job in the spring after being unemployed for a little over a year. And I just got my driver's license last week! It's taken me a longgggg time but my life is on the roll again. This is probably more than you were asking about but yeah.

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

So about your post about seeing a psychologist, I legit had my psychiatrist today tell me they thought I had been formally diagnosed with ASD... Which is literally never a thing anyone has ever said to me, mentioned, nor have I been diagnosed with. I'm now very confused. 🙃

Anyway, suffice it to say, mental health and neurodivergence is big oofs and don't feel bad if it's oofing you too.

honestly i have been brainweird for years and i am significantly less insane than i have been at various points in the past (rip 2013, 2016, and tbh a lot of 2022 because Trauma Brain was 100% winning that particular fight last year, especially april-july). i just actually have access to healthcare right now and therefore can pursue something i have wanted to explore for several years. that's the only thing that's changed. in many ways i am doing much better than in the past because most days i'm only debilitatingly anxious about things that are actually stressful and not like, the concept of a green metal-ended treasury tag or any of the other tiny small things that used to result in spiralling breakdowns

this is of course why my brain is going "well we're probably fine because we haven't been fired for brainweirds for a whole year now" (they pretended it wasn't for brainweirds but it was for communication style and trauma so, it was brainweirds) bc obviously if i am holding my life just about together at the edges, i am Fine

but. you know. the nature of being in crisis is also that your life tends to be wildly unstable and disrupted which is not conducive to waiting months for a referral to get any kind of treatment for anything ever. and seriously. i have moved house so many fucking times. the NHS barely even knows where i live at this point. but stability is required to get healthcare and i am currently reasonably stable so i am getting private healthcare via my job (because occupational health referred me, because if they're gonna pay me peanuts i'm gonna extract the balance from them in every possible benefit i could possibly access, frankly)

anyway all of this is to say that i am only a normal amount of insane at the moment (i have some exceptionally stressful things going on but they would be stressful for anyone regardless of mental health). i am just making the most of having access to A Healthcare occasionally!

[shutup-andletme-go]

thanks for the tag!!! This looks like it's gonna be fun to fill out

Name(s): Jack, Finch and my beloved favourite name Jachary (thank you @antisocialgaycat)

Pronouns: he/they

Star sign: Aquarius woo🥳

Siblings and fun facts?: one younger brother he is fun I just cannot think of any fact about him rn

Pets: two cats and four chickens, two of which are kinda bitchy, one of them pecks the other chickens and the other pecks me.

Fandoms: newsiess! &juliet, bend it like beckham and others but they won't appear almost ever and suddenly you'll get me reblogging 20 posts about it have funnnnn. Also I am the #1 fan for @drinkin-cherryschnapps and mine nutcracker and ballet aus I love them so much

Fav colour: idk man. black? wait I'm doing three fav colours based on how they complement each other. Black, teal and lavender.

Fav song: changes and honestly I haven't been listening to much music lately. But either Don't Start Now or Last Friday Night

Fav author: ehhhmmmm i can't remember author names so I'll pick the queen Alice oseman. hang on also @hypotheticalhore im not sure if they're still active but they used to have the most gorgeous marauders pirate au which made me go absolutely feral in the comments. bro if you somehow see this then please know that reading your fic was genuinely one of the brightest spots in my life and you have IMMENSE writing talent!!

Hobbies: piano sailing football mathematics being on tumblr

Favourite fic type: pirate aus! im a sucker time and time again they draw me in get me hooked and then im flopping about on a table like a caught fish (affectionate) also aus about sports that I do/have done in the past are up there

Favourite holiday: I was confused abt this one so I looked at tays answer and they're answering abt public holidays but I thought it meant like. what Americans would call a "vacation". idk fav public holiday is Matariki, fav "vacation" was going backpacking around europe for a few weeks with my family before covid

Do you have any partners?: noooo bc my mum scarred me when I was 11 by saying "I couldn't let u sleep in the same bed as ur best friend (also crush? I was def slightly in love with him) bc you might have had sex and then you could get pregnant." What the fuck mother im eleven and we were going to be sleeping in my little brothers bedroom. With him in the room. Sex was the LAST thing on my mind ffs I barely knew how it worked other than what they tell you in the "how a baby is made" type books

Fun facts about me: there are So many. how about airports and aeroplanes are my favourite things ever and I get incredibly excited at the mere mention of them. my cat is a sook. battleships, cluedo and connect four are my favourite games.

tags @drinkin-cherryschnapps @antisocialgaycat @pealeii @elemelom @ fuck I know I have more mutuals than this. okay open tag, if u see this do it!! I'm sorry everyone who's blog urls I can't remember ily

I got bored so here's a little get-to-know-you tag game I think could be fun :3

Name(s)

Pronouns

Star sign

# of siblings & fun facts about them (if you have any)

# of pets & their names

Fandoms

Favorite color

Favorite song

Favorite author (of anything readable-- books, fanfics, zines, webtoons, whatever!)

Hobbies

Favorite fic type

Favorite holiday

Do you have any partner(s)? (romantic, qpp, anything!)

Fun facts about you / anything extra you wanna share!

────────

Name(s): Loki (highly preferred), Elye

Pronouns : they/them mostly, he/she okay too

Star sign: Pisces

# of siblings: I've got 2! An older sister and a younger sibling. The fun fact about them is that they're also both queer; in fact, my mom is too. The only non-queer person in my immediate family is my dad.

# of pets: 4 cats! Phoebe & Frankie are our girls, Lenny and Murray are our boys :3

Fandoms: MCU (kind of), BSD, OFMD, Ranboo (does his fanbase count as a fandom?)

Fav. color: Don't have one

Fav. song: Aurora Borealis by Lemon Demon

Fav. author: Alice Oseman

Hobbies: singing, acting, drawing, writing, procrastinating

Fav. fic type: Fluff, definitely. I am a sucker for well written coffee-shop and flower-shop aus, too. Smut's fine, but only if it's romantic. I can't do angst if there's no comfort.

Fav. Holiday: Hanukkah or Halloween! I love autumn and winter

Partners?: Yes! I have a girlfriend (queerplatonic) who I love very much, and a boyfriend (romantic) who I love very much :]

Fun facts:

- Even though I'm a cat person, I really, really want a dog.

- I actually used to play sports. Because I don't do gendered leagues anymore, I don't play, but I've been looking for mixed/gender-neutral/queer sports teams. Baseball and basketball specifically!

- I started questioning my identity in 2019; I'm no closer to finding a label now than I was then. The difference is, now I don't want a label. I just am. :]

tags: @neonganymede @cha0ticlesbian @x-chiara @exceleo @brinnybee @autistic-katara @gandalfthemorallygrey @ohboyanotherlokiblog @roachandrenfri @ourflagmeanslokius @exceleo @edettethegreat @swiftlyspidey

[enchanted-lightning-aes]

I dnt understand what is the point of ur poll asking what is preferred, more followers or no

wjat is it gonna do? what is it for?

it's sorta obvious. what do ppl think is better? having a ton of followers but minimal interactions? or having a small amount but several interactions?

example: someone has 1000 followers but they only get 30% interactions on their posts. and another has 149 but their posts have a lot of traction by 75%. this is what i'm referring to.

what's it going to do? for me to understand whether ppl actually think their follower count means more interactions. and what scenario they prefer instead.

bc in my experience, having a few hundred doesn't guarantee ppl see me on their dash or whatever. i put on a ridiculous srbq constantly. and still, the notes are just me and my moots. and tag-lists have been utterly useless bc it gets lost in notifs. not to mention, the ppl i'm boosting also suffers the same thing. heck, whenever i see other writers put on their taglists, i notice it doesn't do much either.

bc damn, i just want ppl to be seen. i interact with all these amazing writers. i put their posts on my queue. and what do i get? *crickets* i put the effort for them bc they deserve that as much.

idk if i can use 'they're busy' as much as an excuse for the ppl who follow me. i'm doing my best to give my followers (or the 80% that barely interacts) benefit of the doubt. but darn, it gets a bit difficult whenever i notice the lack of notes on my mutuals' posts.

also i manage the wip-nook and search for ways to boost ppl. not fun watching the activity on that, i tell you. 😑

sorry for going off, i'm just bitter and tired. especially after how my 'send asks' post took off without warning, netting me a new influx of followers. so, yeh.

[onmywaytobe]

Writeblr Hunger Games Prompts 1 – 4

I decided to try something not like my usual style and go for a no-dialogue present-tense stream-of-consciousness type deal for these prompts! I’ve only done the first half so far bc I started thinking about it a little too seriously and I upset myself lol second half coming soon or maybe not at all depending on how I feel

Thanks @whgmasterofceremonies​ for putting this all together, I’m excited to see what happens in the arena! Although I’m gonna be real sad when my kiddos die lol at least they stay alive in their own canon for the most part. PLUS I’ve found some new super cool writeblr friends to follow and really, that’s all that matters!

Anyway, enjoy my take on the prompts!

The Big Day

Margot puts on her best dress and braids her hair carefully. She wishes she could wear it the way she likes, long and loose, but her parents insist that she cleans up a little. At least if her hair is out of her face, it’s easier for her to think. Having her hair up makes her feel like she’s about to go to work. She focuses on the little things to distract from the fact that it’s her last ever Reaping. So she braids her hair, polishes her glasses, smooths down the fabric of her dress. One last time, she reminds herself, and tries not to think of the odds that her name gets pulled. It had happened to her best friend; it could happen to her too.

Logan thinks he looks too pale in his father’s somber black suit. This is the first year he’s been tall enough to wear it, and he hates how much it ages him. He’s seventeen, and already bored with the whole affair. He’s the son of one of the richest families in town, and that’s saying something in District 5. He knows there’s only one slip of paper with his name on it; the odds are in his favor, like they have been every year. He’s already thinking about when he can take the itchy suit off and celebrate the start of another Hunger Games with his friends. The best part about the Games was the parties. The Games themselves were a little too real. 

The Reaping

Margot stands at the back of the crowd with the other eighteen-year-olds. She clenches her fists in her skirt, wishing she had Diana’s hand to hold. But Diana’s name was the one pulled from the bowl last year, when the colorful Capitol representative said “Ladies first.” Margot keeps her head down, as if that will keep her safe. She’s barely listening, and she thinks she misheard the first tribute’s name. But the nudges in her side are unmistakable, and her brain fogs over as she begins the slow walk up to the stage. The name called was her own.

Logan feels like he’s been punched when he hears that Margot is the first tribute. No one volunteers for her, but no one ever does. He never liked watching the Games much; his father enjoyed them too much, and Logan could never help but wonder if he would still be as excited if his son were one of the tributes. This year, he wouldn’t have to wonder. His name was the second one called. Soon, he was standing on the stage beside Margot, shaking her hand. Now he felt sick for a different reason. He would have to kill the girl he loved.

The Visit

Margot is shuffled off the stage into the town hall to wait. Her parents bid her goodbye and give her a medallion that they say will help her be safe. All three of them are numb. They hold each other as long as they can. A few of Margot’s other friends visit her as well, but it’s hard for them to say goodbye. They start to blur together; Cam, Owen, Fabian, Kendra. She notes that it’s the first time she’s seen them cry. Maybe she’s crying herself, she can’t really tell. She tries to stay strong, like Diana did. Nothing seems real.

Logan’s only visitors are his parents. They aren’t prone to shows of emotion, so they stand a small distance apart and give him advice. He’s not listening to their vague platitudes. His mind is with Margot. He’d always said that he could win the Games. What child didn’t make the same brag to their peers? But the cost of winning has never seemed as high as it does now. He remembers a neighbor of his who won the Games a few years back. Hopefully he would be a helpful mentor. He lives with another victor now, seems to have a normal life with her. Logan hopes it could be that easy for him.

The Train Ride

Margot had always wanted to go to the Capitol, but not like this. At least she was with Diana again. Diana had won her Games, and Margot could only hope to live up to the legacy. She sits with Diana on the train, smiling for the first time since she’d been reaped. Diana starts talking strategy, while the other mentors look on. Her boyfriend Simon sits next to her, a fellow mentor. Margot wishes that Logan would stop looking at her like that. She doesn’t want to get too close, now that they’re on their way to die. But they can’t help but talk. She recognizes him from school; he likes the library as much as she does. He’s an only child, just like her. Before all this, she probably would have considered him a friend. Now, she is willing to be his ally once they get into the Arena, but no more. She knows the odds aren’t in her favor, and she would need all the help she could get. But she also knows the odds of her needing to kill him eventually are too high to get emotionally invested.

Logan is worried about Margot. She’s brilliant, but from what he can tell she’s not much of a fighter. The Games can be won with brains alone, and it always helps to be underestimated, but he still wants to protect Margot however he can. Of course, he’s not much of a fighter either. He sees the way Simon looks at Diana; of course the boy he knew was in love with Margot’s best friend. Logan squashes the hope that one day he would get to look at Margot like that. That both of them could possibly get out of this alive. He’s heard rumors that there are ways to sneak out of the Games, but the Capitol is controlling, and he wouldn’t want to put his family in danger by going against them. He’s lucky that one of the mentors for District 5 is Brian Percival, the oldest surviving victor of the Games. He has coached several other tributes to success. Logan wants to continue the winning streak, but doesn’t know if he has it in him.

Prompts 5-8

[still-gathering-roses]

Lord help me my sister isn’t even engaged yet and i’m already stressing about how to be a maid of honor

[ciaossn]

thank you for the tag @juudaimes-true-form !! ��️

god so. @sleepy-nuvola i'm tagging you to start but all my info on KHR oc's i've brainstormed with her got obliterated when my account wouldn't back up with each phone change 😭 so here's the main OC i can talk about! i've mentioned her in a fic before so if you happen to know that fic, that's me~

Tagging @what-the-fuck-khr @10th-vongola @rebornthestage and any one else who wants to! be sure to let me know so i can see your oc's 😁

First up! General questions!

1. What is their name? Their pronouns? Age? Gender identity? Sexuality? (if any of that matters lmao)

Amalia is her name! Late 20's. She likes what she likes

2. Are they somehow related to another KHR character? In what way?

Like, familial? Coz no if that's what this pertains to. Not even God knows where she came from

3. What does your OC look like? Do you have any art of them?

RIP to the lost messages and my art on my old computer..... Brown skin, eyes and hair that's kept on a ponytail coz of her thrilling job (dentist) Always wearing scrubs, coat and face mask. (What's his face is actually not happy someone else is rocking the doctor's coat look in the mafia)

4. What are their relationships to other KHR characters? Pairings you like your oc with? Adopted siblings or parents?

Who knows where she comes from! She's the go to dentist for the underground world so she's basically been in contact with everyone and is on good terms with all famiglias. Particularily, the Varia bc she's the only one who's been able to get any work done on Bel during his YouthTM. However Bel waa her first patient after she earned her degree, never practiced on anything before so. Great with the Varia minus Bel who loathes her.

Tsuna and co has only met her a handful of times when she's visited to get to know her patient's teeth. Tsuna doesn't know how he feels about it but her business card is in his wallet at all times because he's on friendly terms with her. And because they both look for great deals on foods so they keep each other updated on sales.

KHR specific questions:

1. What's their flames? And how many flames do they have?

I'm gonna be honest here but I forgot what was given to her uhhh. Possibly cloud bc purple is neat

2. How do they use their flames if they have one?

Scalpels. Her preferred weapon and instrument for dentistry (she earned her license online. just barely)

Before her dental career, she was an Army Doctor. Which army? No one knows. After that she was in the Italian Secret Service where she started and finished her dental degree in a few months. So she's done much fighting and has used her flames in a variety of ways that she's pretty adaptable with it.

3. How do they fight? Do they fight at all?

Amalia's previous occupations was as an army doctor and Italian secret service so she is loaded in her fighting knowledge and skills. Girl can fight and she likes to show off her arms when she can. Sure you're supposed to cover shoulders in the medical field but those shoulders she's worked hard for.

1. How much does Tsuna want to protect your oc upon meeting them? After knowing them a minute, is Tsuna now scared of them or worried about them?

Tsuna didn't feel inclined to protect Amalia first meeting coz like. She's a grown woman who just comped her own whole dinner through coupons alone at their introductory dinner. But then became more worried over time how alone she is despite having dogs; acquaintances are normal wirh the mafia but he wants Amalia to actually be Not So Alone.

2. Does Reborn think they're pathetic or does he have a slight respect for them? If he suddenly appeared out of a wall-hole, how would your oc react?

Amalia gets the job done so he respects her quickhand and just getting the job done despite being. Painful. And her tendency to scare just about every mafia patient of hers. Gets a kick out of it. Amalia wouldn't care about wall-holes unless it was her own home so she'd probably make a few holes her own.

3. Would Hibari Kyoya be able to stand being in a room with them for five minutes? How long do they last in a fight against them?

Hibari does not like her subpar job and finds her too cheap for his liking. Amalia literally does not care and sometimes clips the coupons out of his newspapers. So no, he can't stand her clipping his newspaper. Fight length just depends on what Amalia feels like and can mess with him for a couple of hours if terribly bored.

4. Would your oc go rambling about cryptids witb Gokudera? If yes, which is their favorite cryptid?

Amalia wouldn't know much about cryptids until she meets this kid who's given her a flyer for gnomes living in Australia. She listens to the kid ramble his heart out and makes up some just to see Tsuna's face crumple in disgust. No favorite really, probably whatever Gokudera is hunts down each week so it changes frequently.

5. Would Skull try to flirt with them? Would he score a date? Pity date or genuine interest?

Oh yeah, who wouldn't want to flirt with Amalia. Skull saw her lift her mobile dentist tire when replacing the wheel and when those arms flexed? He just about fainted. Asked her out right there. Amalia agreed because his excitement was amusing and yeah, honestly, wanted to give him a chance because she does pity him. But she missed the date for a teeth emergency for some Don vacationing in Switzerland. They facetimed, though, so while doing the procedure, Skull had dinner. So successful date(?) Who knows.

6. How loud does your oc cheer when Yamamto hits a home run? What if the ball hit them?

Amalia got a great deal on a megaphone from a second hand site that she uses. It can only make stereotypical sitcom crowd reactions so yes. She technically does cheer Yamamto on but via the megaphone. Not a big fan of yelling. If a ball hits her she just crushes it in her hand.

7. Would your oc be able to last an hour watching over Lambo, I-Pin and Fuuta? What if they all had sugar beforehand?

Amalia really has no reason to be babysitter but if forced to, she'd be able to scare the most troublesome one (Lambo) into behaving. The other two just Barely makes her tolerant list but really. She may just dip before the hour is up. If she's officially being paid then she can handle them easily even with them eating sugar.

8. What food would Sawada Nana cook for your oc? What's their favorite food? Drink?

Amalia likes to dabble in different dishes, especially seafood. She's been particularily fond of Carribean food lately so Nana would attempt those when Amalia is over. She really loves Italian soda.

I desperately want to know more about people's khr OCs! Specifically yours @lilacdon20 and also yours @masterdisastre !!!!

But really anyone is very welcomed to reblog this with ramblings of their OCs!

Yes You! The person reading this! I want to know about your OCs specifically!!!!

Also you are all welcomed to tag other people who's khr OCs you like as well!! ANYONE IS WELOCME! /pos

Questions, if needed because flustered or confused, are under the Read more!

First up! General questions!

What is their name? Their pronouns? Age? Gender identity? Sexuality? (if any of that matters lmao)

Are they somehow related to another khr character? In what way?

What does your oc look like? Do you have any art of them? Picrew also welcomed! Ai art... Not preferred >:/

What are their relationships to other khr characters? Pairings you like with your oc? Adopted siblings and parents maybe?

Actually what's the family situation of your oc? Do they have siblings that's a background character perhaps? (example: sometimes I give Kusakabe Tetsuya a brother)

Does your oc have a mental illness? Neurodivergencies? Other disabilities? At what age did they get these disabilities if they weren't born with them?

If they had a super power what would it be?

Free Space! [Anything else you want to talk about?]

Khr specific questions:

What's their flames? And how many flames do they have? One? More? None?

How do they use their flames? If they have one.

If they don't have a flame, how do they fight? Do they fight at all?

If they can't fight for any reason, what's their preferred method of self defense?

Free space! [insert any khr specific question you want!]

And last but not least and mostly for fun!!! Khr character questions:

How much does Tsuna want to protect your oc upon first meeting them? After knowing them a minute, is Tsuna now scared of them or worried about them?

Does Reborn think they're pathetic or does he have a slight respect for them? If he suddenly appeared out of a wall-hole, how would your oc react?

Would Hibari Kyoya be able to stand being in a room with them for five minutes? How long do they last in a fight against him?

Would your oc go off rambling about crytids with Gokudera? If yes, which is their fave cryptid?

Would Skull try to flirt with them? Would he score a date? Pity date or genuine interest?

How loud does your oc cheer when Yamamoto hits a home run? What if the ball hit them?

Would your oc be able to last an hour watching over Lambo, I-pin and Fuuta? What if they all had sugar beforehand?

What food would Sawada Nana cook for your oc? What's their favourite food? Drink?

Free space! [insert any other character questions you want!]

There is no pressure for anyone to answer of course. I just want to get to know more OCs and their creators. I'm talkative lately so I'll try to keep up with the reblogs as best I can :3

Multiple reblogs for multiple OCs are also very very welcomed!

[ahundredtimesover]

we need a please love me argument or something drabble from after they got married and confessed their love for each other!!11!

Hi, they're back! Just a reminder to think of OC's personality bc this is already a 'fight' for her hehe. I don't know how this is bc I'm not in my best form but I still hope you enjoy 🥰

Title: Please Love Me Bonus 07 - The Fight

WC: 14,953

Tags/Warnings: angst; mentions of pregnancy; hospital setting/talks of illness that might be inaccurate (I just based some off my own experience)

Series Masterlist

It started small.

It was a fleeting moment that you barely missed it - one exhale and you felt that knot in your chest that once was familiar. You brushed it off, not thinking much of it. It wasn’t the first time, yet all those other times, once was enough and it didn’t happen again.

But this time wasn’t like that; this time, you felt it once, then another time, then another, the long intervals between knots getting shorter and shorter. 

You try to even out your breathing, grounding yourself so you can listen more to what your body is saying, to what your heart is saying. It starts to work as you count the seconds and the minutes because it starts to go away. It may have taken a lot longer, but just like those other times, this one ends, too.

You’re unable to process what just happened as your phone rings, your husband’s sigh greeting you on the other end.

“Hey, Kook. Everything okay?”

“No. One of the associates gave me wrong figures and I overlooked some elements for my presentation tomorrow,” he groans. “I was gonna stay up late in the office but I’m too pissed off. Are you still at the studio? Can I pick you up?”

“Yeah, I’m just working on my last design,” you reply, already packing up. “And sure. I can call your favorite Japanese restaurant and we can pick up the food on the way home. Is that okay?”

“Yes please. That’s what I really need right now. And you. Be there in 15.”

“I’ll see you, hun. And chin up, you’ll be okay.”

He hums his goodbye and you feel the tiredness from his voice, and the earlier ache in your chest is now replaced by worry for your husband. 

Jungkook rarely lets the toxicity of his job affect him, so hearing him frustrated is something you’re not used to. You feel for him, as the new project he’s taken on is a big one, and you just know he wants nothing more than to prove himself to his family this once. He’s begun having bigger responsibilities after all, and he’s said as much that he wants to step away from his brother’s shadow and be his own self, show that he’s just as capable and can get things done his way, too.

A small smile tugs on your face, knowing that a good meal and some encouragement from you might do the trick. You call the restaurant and head outside once he messages that he’s nearby. 

Mr. Yu, the chauffeur, stops the car and Jungkook exits, enveloping you in a hug and mumbling his hi. He doesn’t even give you time to properly greet him back, as his body curls into yours and you feel him exhale - a deep one, as if he’s been holding onto his breath the whole day. 

“Hi,” you smile, kissing his nose. “The food will be ready in a while. Let’s pick it up and we can talk, okay?”

Jungkook nods and leads you inside, immediately taking your hand like it’s his lifeline. He asks you about your day first and you narrate how it went - ocular of a hall you’ll be designing and then art class for the kids in the afternoon. Then he talks about his - the tense meeting with the staff member who gave him outdated information, the conversation with his father about the expectations for this upcoming project, and having to skip lunch to help his Japan team troubleshoot something. 

“I’m exhausted and my head has been hurting all day but I’ve got so much to do,” he exhales deeply before falling into your lap, your hand reflexively combing his long locks that has him moaning at your touch. 

“Hmm. And how much coffee have you had today?”

“Five cups,” he answers with his eyes closed, his breathing steadying now as you start to massage his temples. 

“That’s 3 cups too much, hun,” you say softly; he said he’d regulate his caffeine intake and you know he’s been trying. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he sighs. “It’s just been tough, but this is nice. Let’s eat then I can work in the dining room while you watch Masterchef or something?” 

You hum your yes, saying you’ve actually got some design studies to work on so you can both work together downstairs. 

And that’s what happens as you put away your dirty plates after dinner and settle in your respective spots. Jungkook likes to work with you around when he’s at home, only staying in his office off your bedroom when he’s pulling an all-nighter. Having you close calms him down, he’s always said, as your soothing voice and presence give him the most comfort, even if it’s just a quick look at your expression as you watch TV or your sweet laughter or your tender words. 

“You look serious there, babe,” he looks over at you from the dining table. “You’ll get wrinkles if you frown too much.”

“I can’t find the right art piece for this one wall,” you groan. “This is gonna keep me up.”

“Maybe you just need to sleep on it. I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” he comforts.

“Hmm, maybe,” you say, your body slowly giving up as it yearns for the bed, chest pains already forgotten. “Join me?”

You walk towards him and sit on his lap as he asks you to, your arms wrapping around his neck.

“Probably in 2 hours or so. I wanna get this presentation finished tonight,” he pouts, apologetic.

“Okay. I’ll wash up and go to bed. Rest soon, okay?”

He holds you a little longer for his goodnight kiss, tickling you before letting you go. 

You walk to your room and fall asleep right away, suddenly feeling as if you’d run a marathon today when your body hits the bed. It seems to have been happening more frequently, though - feeling incredibly tired at the end of the day, whether you had a full-packed schedule or a light one. You went to a boutique store yesterday and painted at home then felt dizzy and faint by the evening. 

It’s 4 hours later when you suddenly wake up, a mix of that knot on your chest and shortness of breath almost jerking you off the bed. But you catch yourself, turning to the side to see if you’d somehow disturbed Jungkook’s sleep, but you’re surprised to find he’s not there. You see light coming from the office and your husband’s mumbling, and so you get up and walk over to him.

“Kook, it’s past 2,” you stand by the door and sleepily call out to him. “Come to bed.”

“Baby, what are you doing up?” He turns to you with a frown, his long locks almost covering the glasses over his eyes.

“Just woke up. It’s hard to sleep without you,” you frown back. 

“Sorry. I’m finishing up already,” he turns again towards his laptop.

“You can do that tomorrow. Just wake up early but sleep now. You’ve had a long day, come on.”

With you standing behind him and your arms around his neck, you pepper his cheeks with kisses to further convince him, knowing you need to shower him with affection so he’d listen to you. 

And it works, as he chuckles and turns his laptop off. He heads to the bathroom to wash up while you lay in bed facing his side as you regulate your breathing again, feeling the tightness subside with every set of breaths. 

He lies down next to you and kisses your lips before you turn around so your back faces him, his arms enveloping you, with him pulling you as close as he possibly can. Jungkook buries his head in your neck and finds his peace there. 

“It’s hard to sleep without this, too,” he hums. “Love you. See you in my dreams.”

It started small, like it always does. 

A pinch in the muscle - one, two, three seconds longer than usual; one, two, three instances more than what you’ve been having. You try to take a breath, knowing it’s what’s always worked, but it doesn’t this time. This time, your chest feels tight, too, like something is keeping you from breathing, like you’re gasping for air in the large space of the art studio. 

“Hey, do you need some help to pack up?” The teacher for the next class asks; you can already hear the giggles of her little students not far away.

You try to pick up your tools from the desk but your hands and arms feel numb. This will take time, you think, so you smile at her and nod, letting her put away some of the palettes that your kids have left behind. You walk slowly, unable to fully feel your legs, too, and that’s when you start to panic.

“Everything okay?” She looks at you worriedly. “You look a little pale.”

“Oh? Just tired, I guess,” you fake a smile. “I’ll just, uh…”

“Rest, ___. You’ve been working hard on your project and your exhibition. You don’t want all that to catch up to you.”

Too late, you tell yourself, as the helplessness that once was familiar starts to overtake you. You just nod and assure her, then fortunately manage to walk out the street for fresh air and take some medicine. You’re relieved that those at least work, lessening the pain that you’re feeling. 

But you know you’re not out of the woods yet, and so you raise your arm to hail a cab, thankful that the hospital is only a 15-minute drive away. 

You settle in the backseat, ready to dial Jungkook’s number when you read the text he’d sent an hour ago - I don’t know why I’m so nervous, babe. I’ve barely eaten anything all day. But thanks. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

You’d messaged him earlier, wishing him well for his presentation today, and you know how much this means to him. He’s worked so hard on this; it’s a big project and the directors have got their eyes on him. There’s no way you’ll add to the stress that he’s been experiencing for the last few weeks. 

It’s a little past 2 and he’s set to present a quarter before 3. His palms are probably already sweating as he dries them on his shaking legs. He’s never been nervous for any of soccer matches even when he was a teenager, but you’d understand if this is the one thing that’s making him lose his cool a little bit; he may never directly say it but you know he just wants to impress the big bosses, and that includes his father and yours. 

You decide against calling him for now. Your breathing has evened out already, and you still think it’s just one of those moments and there’s nothing to worry about. You were always told that this could still happen, after all, but that doesn’t necessarily mean a relapse. It happened a few years ago and all you did was have a change in medication and all was fine after. Like then, this may as well be just a minor thing that you can easily get over on your own. You’ll call Jungkook after you know more about what’s happening to you, knowing he’ll be asking anyway, and not giving him an answer immediately will just scare him.

The emergency room has less people than you expected, although you can say you’re probably the calmest out of all the patients there. Given, you’re in one piece and not puking your guts out so you believe you’re fine, but the attending physician doesn’t seem convinced, as you narrate what you’re feeling.

“Your heartbeat is irregular and your blood pressure is quite low,” she informs you after doing the basics. She looks through your record and confirms your condition. “No relapse since your surgery 15 years ago,” she reads. “No reported abnormalities, no alarming findings… but these are still from last year.”

“Yes, I’m due for my annual check up in 2 months,” you say, as you sit on the hospital bed. 

“Well, seems like you’re due now,” she hums, excusing herself to make a call then returning to you. “Dr. Kwon is just finishing with surgery so he’ll see you after, but I’ll have you run some tests already. We’ll call you for x-ray in a while. We’ll take blood samples as well just to be sure.”

You nod, suddenly feeling nervous. These tests are routinary for you at this point; you take it every year every time you have your check-up, the one you’ve been having since the surgery that corrected your heart over a decade ago. 

But you’ve never had to come back to the hospital out of your usual schedule ever since you fully recovered. Because any pain you’d felt since then was never serious; it never lingered, it never left you feeling breathless or numb. It never got you feeling weak, and it definitely never had you feel this anxious because it had never hurt this way. 

It’s 3:30 by the time you finish filling up all the forms, and though you know nothing more than an irregular heartbeat and low blood pressure, you decide to send Jungkook a text to let him know where you are, knowing his presentation would be done by now. But right as you’re about to, the technician calls your name for the x-ray, and it’s not until several minutes later when you get your phone back and decide to just give him a call.

He doesn’t pick up after the third try, so you go for your next option and call Junghyun, as he knows that you only ever call when something is up.

“Hey, ___. You okay?” He answers. 

“Hi. Is Jungkook still presenting?” Your voice quivers. 

“He’s done but he’s somewhere in front answering questions,” Junghyun responds.

“Did he do well?” You ask, wanting to know.

“He was really nervous but everyone was impressed,” the older man smiles. “Were you the one calling him? He left his phone in his seat and I saw it light up.”

“Yeah, I, uh… Once he’s free, can you just let him know that I’m in the ER? My chest felt tight and—”

“You’re what?” He almost yells, his voice in a panic. “What happened? How are you feeling now?”

“I’m fine… I think,” you sigh. “It was just chest pains. I’ll see Dr. Kwon in a while then I’ll know more.”

“Fuck, okay. Who’s with you?”

“Just me.”

There’s a pause in the other end. “What are you doing now?”

“Waiting for the next tests. Can you, uh, can you let Jungkook know once he’s done there?”

“I’m telling him now, ___. You’re in the emergency room and he needs to be there with you.”

“Okay,” your voice shrivels, not used to Junghyun’s authoritative tone. “I’m being called for my ECG. I’ll, uh, I’ll be waiting for him.”

Junghyun drops the call and returns to the conference room. He immediately walks to his brother and whispers what you’d said.

Jungkook’s eyes widen in shock, worry and distress painting them. He quickly excuses himself and runs out the door, leaving the older man to explain to their father and yours what had happened, both of whom panic as well and make calls. 

It’s another red light that Jungkook beats, and he makes it to the hospital in 15 minutes, almost half of the usual time it takes to get there from his office. He asks around the ER where you are, and he’s directed to a room where he finds you lying in bed, looking perfectly normal, save for your furrowed brows as you seem to be answering messages on your phone.

“Baby!” He exclaims, rushing towards you and taking you in his arms. “What happened? What hurts?”

“Hey, honey,” you look up at him and smile nervously. “I’m fine, I just…”

“Babe, you can’t be fine when you’re here. Your check-up isn’t due in 2 months. What… what brought you here?”

“I was, uh, I was having—”

“___,” the familiar voice of Dr. Kwon calls out for you, prompting you to turn to him. “I wish I could say I’m happy to see you before our scheduled check-up, but it’s never a good thing seeing a patient here before I’m supposed to.”

“Hi,” you smile, returning his hug. “I suppose it isn’t. But I didn’t know what to do. It was getting too painful.”

“Tell me what happened,” he instructs.

And so you do, telling him of the times you’d experienced this since your last meeting, and how it had hurt too much earlier, forcing you to come here. Jungkook holds your hand the entire time, and you’re immersed in your narration that you miss the way his jaws clench and unclench as he listens to your stories.

Clearly this isn’t the first time it’s happened, although it’s the first time that he’s hearing about it. It seems like you’ve been experiencing this and chose not to tell him.

“What do you think may have triggered it?” Dr. Kwon asks.

“I don’t really know,” you shrug. “I mean, I’ve sort of been doing the same things - working at the firm, doing my own pieces, teaching art classes… just focused on my regular job.”

“Looks like it’s 2 jobs too many,” he responds, his eyebrow arching the way that doctors do when they catch you doing something you shouldn’t.

“I rest and exercise and take my medication,” you counter. “All the work is fine. It’s an imperfect heart we’re working with, you know?” You giggle, trying to diffuse the tension.

Dr. Kwon just shakes his head and returns to his records. “So you’ve got the x-ray and ECG done. You’ll have blood tests after this then we can do the 2D echo in the evening after I schedule it. I’ll need you to be confined for the other tests.”

“What other tests? Can’t I come back tomorrow and do them then?” You ask, not really keen on spending the night at the hospital. 

“It’ll be easier to monitor you from here, especially since the pain seems recurring. But I’ll schedule the stress test and MRI tomorrow morning so you can go home right after,” he responds. “Better ask someone to pack you and your husband some clothes. I’ll have the nurse pick you up to bring you to your room; just wait here.”

You nod as Jungkook lets go of your hand. 

“You’ve had 2 tests done already? What time did you get here?” He asks, his voice low and disappointed.

“Around 2:30,” you respond casually. 

Jungkook feels his own heart rate shoot up. It’s 4PM, and he’s sure it was just half an hour ago when his brother had cut off their discussions to tell him that you’d called about your whereabouts. The fact that you didn’t call him - your husband - much earlier is making him incredibly upset. He wants to ask you why you’d delayed it, why you’ve been keeping all this from him, when you planned on telling him if it didn’t get this bad.

But knowing you, you’d pick up on this, and he doesn’t want to add to you feeling any more pain that you apparently have been experiencing, so he takes a breath and lets things go for now, and he just nods. 

He gazes at you looking pale and nervous, and he tries to think of how you may be feeling - back in the hospital when you’d believed everything was already okay. 

“Baby,” he says, cupping your face so you’d look at him. “We have to believe that things are fine, alright? That this isn’t serious. Worrying too much might make things worse.”

They’re things he doesn’t fully believe in himself. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He never experienced this with you; he hadn’t even known about your condition until 3 years ago, and he doesn’t know how you are when you’re in pain and what you need him to do or be for you. But he has to put aside his own concerns because this is about you, and the only thing he knows to be right now is strong so you can take that strength from him, too. 

You smile, much more genuinely than you did earlier, and Jungkook thinks it’s a good first step. 

“I’ll be okay, hun. Sorry I pulled you out of your meeting. Junghyun said that you did well, though,” you say, pulling him into a hug, your arms finally wrapping around his waist while his envelopes around yours. 

“Yeah, but it doesn’t really matter. You were here in pain while I was doing my presentation when I could’ve been with you,” he replies, trying to temper his voice. “I could’ve screwed up or completely missed it for all I care.”

“Nonsense, Kook,” you turn to him again. “You’ve been working so hard on that. I managed to get here on my own.”

You rest your head on his torso, not seeing his hardened and helpless face at how you casually dismiss what you’re experiencing and talk about his work like it’s all that matters when you’re the one in the hospital right now. 

You still should’ve called, he wants so badly to say. I would’ve come here right away. But he decides against it. He was never good at bottling his feelings; he supposes he needs to learn that from you. He does it anyway, knowing that this isn’t the time nor place to get mad at you for it. 

“Kook, can you be the one to talk to my mother?” You ask, giving him your phone. “She’s been calling and I’m too dizzy to rehash everything.”

“Okay, I will,” he responds, guiding you to lay on the bed and letting you take a nap first.

He calls your mother, then his, then your brother and sister, and then Nari and Yeji. There are so many people to update about your status but he pushes through it, despite the same words of you experiencing pain and needing to be monitored for the night becoming harder and harder for him to say. 

“She seems fine, just looks tired as of now,” Jungkook informs each one. “We’ll know more tomorrow.”

They’ll drop by in the evening, they all say, and he’s thankful that there’ll at least be distractions, and he won’t have to be with you alone for long. He supposes that’s better, otherwise he’ll be tempted to push for answers on why you kept all this from him. 

He calls Mr. Yu and Mrs. Na and instructs them to prepare your clothes for your stay and bring them over to the hospital. “Please buy a box of macarons on your way here,” he tells the chauffeur. “And her chamomile tea as well.”

Jungkook sits on the chair next to you and watches you take your nap. He sees you take deep breaths and he can sense your struggle, causing him to worry once more. You catch yourself and jerk awake.

“Was it hurting again?” He asks.

“A little,” you respond, raising yourself up off the bed. 

“Just keep breathing. Here, drink some water.”

You follow as he says, and that’s when the nurse arrives and informs you that the VIP room is ready. You’re led there by wheelchair - an all too familiar scene - and Jungkook helps you lie down on the bed. The nurse takes blood samples and informs you of the scheduled test in 2 hours then leaves you right after.

“Tell me about your presentation,” you urge your husband. “What did they say?”

Work is the last thing that Jungkook wants to be talking about right now. He hates thinking about being in that room while you were here and all alone. You smile tenderly, as if you really want to know what took place, so he forces himself to think about it. 

“That the project proposal was well-designed and well-thought out. I set out the plans and the entire process and got to show the expected outcomes and return of investment,” he explains. “They said it was sound and profitable, and that they were surprised I pulled it off on my own.”

“It’s silly that they still doubt you,” you frown. “Of course you’d pull it off. You’re innovative and incredibly hardworking, honey. They should know that by now.”

“Nah, I'm used to it,” he shrugs. “They’d take every chance they get to remind me that I’m not my brother.”

“And you aren’t, because you’re your own self with your strengths and own conviction. And don’t tell Junghyun, but you’re definitely funnier.”

Jungkook manages to chuckle a little, and your smile grows at the sound. “That last bit is definitely true,” he hums. “Thanks, babe. Though I didn’t mean to be so down.”

“Not at all. I just wanted to remind you of how good you are,” you comfort him, reaching out your hand that he takes. You sit up and pull him close. “You’re so good at so many things. Remember that.” 

You cup his cheeks and kiss his lips, something you realize you haven’t done since he got here. It’s slow and gentle, which is exactly what you need after a scary experience; all you’ve been wanting is his touch and the comfort you get from being close to him.

Jungkook indulges you, kissing you back with just as much tenderness, and you smile against him, knowing that whatever happens, you have him next to you. And as long as he is, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

The knock on the door pulls you both apart, and you hear the familiar voices of both your parents and siblings who all hug you one by one. 

A flurry of questions about how you’re feeling and what will happen next overwhelm you but you should’ve expected this; no one really thought you’d be back here after all these years. 

Shortly after, your friends arrive and you have to say the same things, and you fumble for Jungkook’s hand next to you to keep you stable. 

You dislike this part - the one where everyone is worried and no answer or assurance from you would be enough, and you hate that they have to go through that anxiety of not knowing as well. But you just smile through it and downplay the pain. 

“It’s probably nothing; it’s more like a precaution thing, you know?” You reason. “I’m fine. Please, don’t worry too much.”

You mask the desperation with your smile, and you’re almost glad that Dr. Kwon enters and informs you that the nurses will start prepping you for your 2D echo. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Kim,” he greets. “Not so great to see both of you.”

“Likewise,” your parents chuckle. “It’s never a good thing being back here, huh? But what happened? Why is she experiencing this so suddenly?”

“Well, your daughter did say that the chest pains have been recurring,” he responds. 

“They have?” Your parents frown at you.

“They weren’t that bad,” you reason. “I mean, they weren’t painful to warrant a visit.”

“But this time it was,” Seokjin crosses his arms, looking disappointed. “And to the emergency room at that.”

“I didn’t faint or anything,” you reason. “Look, I’m fine now. It’s probably just stress. ”

“___, what did I say about stress? You’re not just like anyone who can experience it and then be fine. It’s not that simple,” Dr. Kwon warns. 

“I know,” you whisper, feeling like that 13-year old child again who felt helpless when she was first told of the many things she couldn’t do despite having a normally functioning heart already. You’d like to think you’ve followed all the rules since then; it’s just lately when you’ve been more brave and wanting to do more.

“But is she going to be okay?” Soyeon asks this time.

“I suppose. The test results aren’t alarming and it seems it’s still bearable, but we’ll know more tomorrow,” he responds. “For now, she just needs to rest and take things easy.”

Everyone nods in agreement. The door opens with the nurses taking you away to be prepped. Jungkook kisses your forehead and tells you to just push through it and that it will be fine; you always said you disliked the pain from this specific test. 

Back in the room, Jungkook feels light-headed. Perhaps he’s still reeling over seeing you on a hospital bed, being wheeled out and leaving him behind to wonder how much pain you’re in or how your heart looks like. Maybe it’s being in the room with your family and friends and all their questions that he doesn’t have answers to. He thinks it’s this new experience for him - this kind of fear that he’s never experienced before. It’s probably all of those, so he excuses himself to buy some snacks in the store just to get out of there.

Seokjin promptly follows his brother-in-law. “I want some snacks, too,” he responds after the younger man looks at him questioningly. 

They walk in silence for a while before Seokjin asks. “Did you know about the other times?”

“No,” Jungkook almost whispers, his hands in his pockets as he mindlessly walks down the hallway. “She also only called earlier after 2 tests were done. I feel so fucking useless.”

“Hey, you aren’t, okay?” Seokjin sighs. 

“If I wasn’t then I should’ve known about all the other times, and I could’ve convinced her to get checked earlier. Then she wouldn’t have needed to come here like this; then it wouldn’t have been this painful,” Jungkook responds, his voice more helpless now.

“Kook, you wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t told you. You’re not together 24/7. I love my sister but sometimes she tends to brush things off like that, thinking that the short-term burden of her sickness will just go away. But not this time. We just have to believe it’s not serious.”

Jungkook just nods, all the thoughts screaming at him and he just wants to lay next to you but also be away from you because how could you keep something like this from him. 

There aren’t any more words exchanged, but Seokjin stays with his brother-in-law as they buy snacks and walk towards the wing where you are, probably currently squirming in pain as your chest is being pressed to get that image of your heart. 

It’s some time later when they hear Dr. Kwon’s voice, calling for them.

“Jungkook,” he says. “It’s not surgery. You don’t have to be waiting here.” There’s a soft smile on his face, however, so that calms the younger man down a little.

“Just wanted to immediately know how she is,” he responds. “___ said she doesn’t like this test.”

“Ah, yeah she doesn’t,” Dr. Kwon chuckles. “She would pout her way out of even if she knows it won’t work. She did say she wished you were there with her though, holding her hand.”

“But what did you see?” Seokjin asks. 

“A tired heart,” Dr. Kwon replies. “I honestly hope that’s all, but I’ll have to look through all the test results to be sure that there isn’t anything else.”

Your husband and brother sigh in relief. 

“But keep an eye on her, okay?” The doctor tells Jungkook. “She mentioned feeling pain when she’s asleep so watch out for that. She just needs to breathe and be soothed. The tests tomorrow will tell me more but I can already tell you that she needs to rest.”

“I’ll make sure of that,” Jungkook responds, his eyes softening at the sight of you smiling when you see him.

“You were waiting for me?” You ask.

Jungkook only nods but your brother responds, “everyone was so noisy in the room so we walked around. And got some snacks.”

You smile at them as they walk with you while being wheeled away to your room. You enter and sense the aroma of beef bone soup, and Minhyuk grins proudly at your satisfied face.

“You always said that hospital food didn’t excite you,” he says. 

You express your thanks and the nurse announces your need to rest after dinner, prompting everyone to decide on leaving already. 

Seokjin, who’d earlier sensed your husband’s own stress, whispers to him. “Just hold it in for now, okay? She’ll be alright.”

As the last parson leaves, Jungkook sits next to you on the bed and you both eat the delicious meal. He surprises you with the dessert he had bought and prepares your tea as you like to take before sleeping.

“Thank you, Kook,” you exclaim, kissing his cheek. “I’ll just wash up so we can both rest.”

“Do you need help?” 

“I’m fine, I can do it in my own,” you assure him, disappearing into the bathroom. 

Left alone for awhile, Jungkook takes to heart what your brother had advised him - hold it in for now. Knowing that you tend to absorb your husband’s own emotions - as you’d said once that it’s natural for you, that it’s how you get to empathize with him - he does as he’s told. He holds it in - the disappointment, the sadness, the doubt… and tells himself that this is about you and what’s best for you right now. 

You finish up and he helps you in bed, then he washes himself, exiting the bathroom in his shirt and pajama pants. 

“Do you want me to sleep next to you?” He asks. “You always said it’s hard to sleep without me.”

He gives the idea, knowing that it’s the only way for him to know if you feel pain while in slumber. He doesn’t think he trusts you in telling him otherwise. 

“Yes, can you?” You ask excitedly.

“I guess? It’s a big bed. I’m sure we’ll fit.”

So he scoots in next to you as you give him space, and you immediately wrap your arms around his torso as he wraps one around your shoulder. He supports himself against the headboard with his other arm behind his head.

He lets you listen to his heartbeat, confident that they’re perfectly normal, as if he isn’t buzzing deep inside.

“So how was your day going before all this happened?” He asks to eliminate the silence that’s suddenly feeling awkward for him. 

“I was just at the studio,” you respond, snuggling next to him and enjoying the comfort of his warm body. “I got to finish a design study and then had class with the kids.”

“Did it start hurting then?” 

“Hmm, right after, just when I was fixing up,” you say, slowly dozing off. 

Having your class schedule memorized because it’s your favorite thing to talk about, Jungkook knows what time that was, and he knows you could’ve informed him then if you wanted. But you didn’t. 

“So you just came here on your own?”

“Yeah,” you hum. “I hailed a cab. It’s a good thing that the hospital’s just near the studio.”

What if it wasn’t, he thinks. What if you were driving when it happened? What if there were no available cabs and it took long for you to get here? What if you were somewhere else where no one knew you? What if something worse had happened, and then he wouldn’t have known it at all because you waited so long to call him? 

“Why didn’t you call me?” He manages to ask. 

Somehow he has an idea of what you’ll say. You’ve only been married awhile but he knows enough about your courteousness, how you don’t like to burden other people, how you always put others before yourself. You’d developed that attitude because you don’t like being fussed over; you dislike having others worry about you. He noticed it earlier when you took his hand and held onto it tightly as your loved ones asked how you were feeling. And so he knows what’s coming next. He just didn’t think it would hurt and anger him this much.

“You were busy with work, Kook,” you mumble, and he knows you’re about to fall asleep. “Felt like I could manage and I did.”

What if you didn’t, he thinks again. What if it was someone else who’d called him? What would he do then?

“Sorry,” you add. “Just didn’t want to worry you.”

He hears you take a long breath and the succeeding low snores let him know you’ve fallen asleep. It’s been a long day for you, after all. 

It’s been a long one for him, too. But unlike you, he’s filled with too many emotions to fall asleep. And contrary to what you wanted, he’s worrying even more. He’s worried about your condition. And he’s worried about himself. 

Hold it in for now, Seokjin had told him. 

Jungkook will try. But he doesn’t know for how long he can, and he doesn’t know how he’ll deal with you - how you’ll deal with it - once he’s unable to keep it in anymore.

Jungkook didn’t get a wink of sleep. Other than being unable to because he wanted to make sure that he’d be awake should you feel any sort of pain, he also couldn’t help but think about what you’d said. 

In your few years of being married, you’d had small and brief arguments, mostly stemming from how incredibly different you both deal with emotions and conflict. 

You tend to be unnecessarily courteous at times and too patient. You also prefer to let tension fade rather than addressing it, so more than half the time, any negative emotions you have are kept in and rarely ever mentioned. You don’t hold grudges, though, and you easily forgive, unlike Jungkook who’s always very transparent about what he feels. He talks about things, and he always talks about them with you, whether it’s about you or something else. 

Despite all this, your little misunderstandings never escalated. They never really lasted, because more than half the time, he’s the one crawling next to you, hugging you tightly and saying that he doesn’t care whose fault it is, just that he wants to be okay again. He admits that a lot of times, it’s on him. He gets too emotional, too proud, too shortsighted, and unable to let things go. But right now, he doesn’t care if he’s all of that. He’ll feel what he’s feeling; he just won’t be able to express it fully.

The knock on the door puts him out of his thoughts. The nurse enters and Jungkook has to wake you for your MRI and stress test today. 

“You’ll be okay to wait here?” You ask, as you watch him from the bathroom door.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just think about what you’ll do this morning. Don’t worry about me,” he says dryly. 

“Okay, I’ll see you after.”

You’re wheeled out and Jungkook allows himself to fall asleep. He’s still exhausted from preparing for his presentation yesterday, and he’s dealing with too many thoughts in his head about you, about both of you, and an hour or so of slumber is what he needs.

He’s awoken by a phone call over an hour later, and he’s reminded that he failed to inform his team that he won’t be going to the office today. Perks of being the CEO’s son, he tells himself, but he also can’t bring himself to think about work and the project that he has to fine tune for immediate implementation. 

All he can think about is you. And despite feeling anger and hurt, he also just wants you to feel okay. He hopes that deal that your parents made with the universe when you were born - the one where they asked to keep you alive and they’ll give you a life you’ll be happy with in return - holds up for the longest it possibly can. Regardless of what he feels about you, he also knows that seeing you smile can make him forget about his own pain.

And that’s what happens, albeit temporarily, when you return to the room and see a breakfast spread prepared for you, one that Jungkook had asked Mr. Yu to buy.

You smell the carnations that’s come with your meal and your face lights up.

“Where did you get this, Kook?”

“There’s a flower shop in the other building,” he responds. “Thought that can make you feel better.”

“Of course,” you say, walking towards him where he’s seated on the day bed. “But you’re also here and that's really all I need.”

Then why didn’t you ask me to come earlier, the question rings in his head. But he lets it stay there. For all the times that he’d willingly and easily put you first, he didn’t think that holding all his emotions in for your sake would be the hardest. 

He hugs you back then lets you rest your head on his shoulders as you talk about the tests and that you have 2 hours before Dr. Kwon can meet you for the results and diagnosis. 

You and Jungkook use the time to eat, take a shower, and pack your things. It’s not long after when you’re in your cardiologist’s clinic where he explains your condition.

“As I suspected, your heart is overworking,” he says. “Fortunately, the tests show no holes, no enlargement, or any other complications.”

You breathe a sigh of relief and take Jungkook’s hand. You didn’t want to be thinking of the worst and this is definitely not it. It had hurt so much yesterday that you were almost sure there was something severely wrong again, but this is actually welcome news. At least it’s something you know; it’s something that you can deal with, and it’s something you can easily address.

“What’s causing it?” Jungkook asks.

“Stress, perhaps. And lack of sleep,” the doctor answers, turning to you. “I know you’re eating well and exercising, but there’s still so much you’re doing. All that mental and physical and emotional exhaustion pushes your heart to overwork, to pump blood more than it’s capable of doing.”

“What does this mean, then?” Your husband asks once more. “I mean, what should she do? Will it get worse? How can we prevent this from happening again?”

“She should rest. And I mean, rest.” Dr. Kwon glares at you to emphasize his point. “Take a few days off from work, do some very light exercise, and have a change in medication. It will only get worse if she doesn’t let her heart breathe, if she doesn’t let it take its time to do its job properly. I know it sounds simple but that’s really it; there’s no shortcut to it. It’s just something to be done consistently.”

“Okay,” you hum. “I can take the week off. I can just turn over my design studies at the firm and then get back to it after. And the kids will understand if I don’t see them this weekend. My exhibition also isn’t in 3 months so I have time to get back to my pieces.”

“___, I don’t mean to rest for just this week,” he responds. “You’re gonna have to rethink all the work that you’re doing because it’s too much for you, and this isn’t me telling you what you can or can’t do. Your heart is functioning normally, but it’s still relatively weak, weaker than a normal one’s. Sure, there are things you can do now that you couldn’t before but being perpetually stressed isn’t one of them, okay? And I feel that as long as you’re doing all those things at the same time, you’ll always be at risk.”

“So you’re telling me that I have to let one of those go?” You look up at him, feeling heartbroken that you’re gonna have to give up one of the things that’s been giving you so much joy.

“It’s more practical than cutting off your time in all those. It’s still work, ___. As long as you’re doing all of them, you’re gonna keep spending time on them, and you won’t even notice it.”

You sigh, knowing he’s right. You do so much on a normal day; work doesn’t end even on the weekends. It just doesn’t feel that way because you get to do it at home and you manage your own schedule and you genuinely enjoy it, but you have been feeling the exhaustion all over your body. You know there’s more to lose if you don’t follow his orders.

“Okay then. The next exhibition will be my last for a while,” you announce, deciding right then. 

“Are you sure, babe?” Jungkook asks, surprised. He thought for sure that that would be the last thing you’ll let go. “Don’t you have invitations in Paris and Mexico?”

“I can pass,” you smile faintly. “I’ve still got commissions that I’ll spread out. I’m sure the patrons will understand. There’s this big project at the firm that I’m so excited to do and I can’t abandon my team. And the kids…” you sigh, “I love them too much. They take my stress away so I can’t let go of the art classes that I teach.”

“But you’ve been waiting for the shows, too,” Jungkook reminds you. “Those are huge and not easy to get invited to.”

“I know but there’s gonna be another time,” you say. “And if there isn’t, then that’s fine. I can always paint, Kook, even when I’m gray and old. But all the other things? I can still manage them. I wanna help my team, I wanna teach the kids… those things matter more.”

Other people always matter more, Jungkook tells himself. Your art is what you’ve loved your whole life, he knows that much. 

“It’s really up to you, but it’s good that you’ve thought about it already,” Dr. Kwon says. “You just really need to stabilize your heart for now. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“I will,” you smile at him. “And uh, I just want to ask. This won’t affect any future pregnancies, right?”

You nibble your lips, and Jungkook can see the nervousness in your eyes.

“Not unless it’s immediate. Are you both—”

“No,” you interject. “I mean, if it happens then it does but we aren’t really… uh,” you turn to your husband, knowing that despite the last conversation you had about this months ago, you’re still unsure of how comfortable or open he is talking about this. “We haven’t planned everything out yet. But I just wanted to make sure that this whole… overworking heart thing isn’t going to risk me and our future baby. I don’t… I don’t know how I’ll handle a complication.”

“Your condition will always be a factor but you’re not in any more risk than you were before this incident,” Dr. Kwon assures you. “You don’t have to give up everything. But just always consult and make sure you rest. That's really all I can tell you.”

“I’d give it all up when I’m pregnant if I need to,” you giggle, missing the way Jungkook’s gaze saddens at your words. 

Clearly that desire hasn’t waned, and the worry on your face at the thought of what this scare could mean to your future family - one that he’s still not able to give you - says a lot. But that scares him, too. Would you be open about your struggles once you’re pregnant unlike what you’re being now? Would you be honest and open? Would you let him carry your burden with you?

“Well, I guess that’s it, then,” Dr. Kwon announces, handing you the prescription of your new medication. “I’ll see you again in 2 months for your regular check-up.”

You bid your goodbye and head out, taking Jungkook’s hand as you walk to pay the bills. He doesn’t say much, merely humming to your musings the whole time - when you head to the car, on the way home, and when he decides to take an afternoon nap. 

That night, after you both had food delivered for dinner and have washed up, you wait for him in bed as he sends emails to his staff. You kiss him goodnight and turn your back towards him, ready for his tight hug and his nuzzle on your neck. But he doesn’t.

He merely gently lays his hand on your hip and doesn’t pull you close. He doesn’t kiss your shoulders nor tell you he loves you or that he’ll see you in his dreams like he always does. 

There’s silence where there shouldn’t be, and you slowly fall asleep to drown out the worried thoughts in your head. Maybe he’s just tired, you reason to yourself. Maybe he’s still processing what just happened. Either way, it’s just tonight, and you know your husband - he’d never been able to resist you. And you let that comfort you. Tomorrow, things will be back to normal. Tomorrow, you’ll wake up and fall asleep in his arms again.

The mid-morning sun peeking through the blinds provides you with much needed warmth that you’d missed last night. There was no arm wrapped around you, no hot breath on your neck or soft lips on your skin. It felt cold, even with the blanket covering your body, and you have half a mind to go to Jungkook’s office for that morning kiss that you didn’t get and which usually wakes you a little everyday.

But to your surprise, you hear his voice, deep and low as he gives instructions to whoever it is he’s speaking to. You get off the bed and find him in his office nook, in an online meeting with his team. As it looks, he probably decided on working from home to look after you. 

You know that he has to iron out details of the new project and delegate tasks to his team. Those from the Busan and Daegu offices have to be briefed, too, and you can just imagine how much is on his plate yet he’s home because of you. Sighing, you turn around to head to the bathroom when his voice stops you.

“___? Everything okay?”

You look at him and see that he’s turned off his video, his questioning eyes greeting you.

“Yeah, just feeling a bit bad that you have to be home when you should be out there with your team,” you share. There’s a small, selfish part of you that’s glad that you get to spend time with him, though it’s not something that you say.

Jungkook shrugs. “We can manage. Are you feeling better? No pain or anything?”

“Better, yes. And no, no pain,” you reply. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah,” he responds. “I asked Mrs. Na to stay over for the next few days since I’ll be working from home and I won’t be able to cook for you. She’s downstairs so just tell her what you want.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll go there, then,” you say dryly. You wish he could join you but then again, he’s working from home; he’s not on a break or anything. 

“Just call me if you start to feel anything different.”

You nod and quickly wash up before heading to the kitchen for breakfast, chatting with Mrs. Na. It’s been a while since you’ve caught up with her, the woman who looked after you growing up. 

That whole morning, Jungkook heads downstairs twice only, both times to grab coffee and ask you if you’re feeling okay. You are, and much as you want to tell him not to worry, you want him to seek you out. It seems as if that’s the only time he’s interested in speaking to you, anyway. He’s worked from home a few times and just like when he pulls all-nighters, he’d always insisted on having you close by. 

Not today, though. Ironically, it seems as if he’s home to keep you at a distance. That night, he sleeps late, and so do you. You wait for him to come to bed, ready for even his slightest touch to assure you that he’s here. He does come to bed at 2AM, but the touch doesn’t come. You take a peak over your shoulder and there he is, on his side of the bed, with his back turned against you. 

Jungkook insists on seeing your families that weekend - Saturday with yours and Sunday with his. Being out of the house to feel the fresh air seems quite the experience. You’ve only been cooped up in your house for a few days but you already feel like suffocating, even more with your husband’s passiveness towards you. 

Just as he continued to work at home, so did his minimal conversations with you and absence of affection. He’s kissed your hand a few times and it was only because you were cupping his cheek, but he doesn’t do more, doesn’t say more. You’ve come to expect nothing from him, if you’re being honest. 

You watch from the kitchen of Junghyun’s home as Jungkook speaks to Yeri, massaging his temples, and your sister-in-law, a doctor, seems to be instructing him on what to do and what to take, scribbling something on a pad and giving it to him. 

You reckon that his headache hasn’t gone away, but you wouldn’t know how painful it is because there’s nothing about him now that he’s sharing. He used to pout at you to tend to a small paper cut but somehow, he just can’t bring himself to tell you how he’s feeling and where it hurts. 

“You holding up okay?” Junghyun interrupts your thoughts. 

“For the most part, yeah,” you respond, glancing at your husband again who’s now laid his head on the couch, his eyes closed shut.

“And the other part?” Junghyun cocks an eyebrow.

“Just worried about how stressed Jungkook is,” you sigh. “I wish he’ll give himself time to rest. He barely sleeps. I… I don’t feel him close, especially at night.”

“Well, the project is at its planning stages and he’s managing all the teams from home,” the older man explains. “And then there’s you.”

“Me, the burden,” you sigh, hating the thought.

The older man is familiar with your musings. It’s why you didn’t want people knowing about your condition; it’s why you didn’t want Jungkook to know. You always despised being someone’s baggage, and right now, Junghyun thinks it’s what you feel.

“You really scared him, you know?” He nudges your shoulder to get your attention back that’s focused on your husband. “He’s experienced a car accident, getting lost in a cave, skydiving… yet he’s never been more scared than finding out that you were in the hospital. He looked even more helpless that he wasn’t there with you. And as his brother, I was afraid of how he was gonna take it. You know how he is.”

“Exactly. He worries a lot. Too much sometimes,” you agree. 

“As he should, especially since you don’t. Or at least, since you don’t show it.” 

With your silence, he knows he’s right.

“You were scared, too, weren’t you?” He asks this time. 

You nod, fighting back the tears. “I’d forgotten how it used to hurt. I kept thinking that it was gonna subside, you know? That it was gonna go away right away but it didn’t. And I just didn’t want him to worry too much. I didn’t want him to be scared because I was. I didn’t want him to carry that with him if there was a chance that it really was nothing. I don’t like seeing him helpless, Junghyun. I don’t like seeing him feel like he’s not enough to make it not hurt.”

“I don’t think that’s something you can control, ___. You’re his weakness. There’s nothing that scares or hurts him more than your fears and your pain. That’s kind of what love is, you know?” Junghyun continues. “That’s part of being married. And when you have children, you’ll learn that it’s part of being parents, too. You can’t be the only one carrying it all. That’s what having a partner is all about. It isn’t just you. And it isn’t just about you.”

Jungkook wakes up from the nap he didn’t realize he’s taken and finds you, wrapped in his brother’s arms who seems to be whispering something in your ear as well. He can sense it’s another one of those comforting things that Junghyun’s always given you, and while Jungkook has long accepted that special friendship you share with the man you look up to, it doesn’t take away the small bit of envy over the fact that you trust Junghyun, that you let yourself be honest with him. 

It’s an accepted fact by everyone, including Seokjin who knows that his overprotective tendencies compared to Junghyun’s calm nature have led you to open up to the latter one more. 

But for Jungkook to see you get comfort from someone else who isn’t him and be hurt by it makes him feel hypocritical, especially since he’s been distancing himself from you, too. He only checks up on you just so he won’t lose his mind, but he doesn’t know anything else. 

Are you scared or worried? How bored are you at home? What do you wish to do? Is there a place you want to go to? Do you miss his touch as much as he misses yours? Does it hurt you to be close to him as much as it hurts him? Do you feel angry and disappointed like he is? 

Jungkook wouldn’t know. He also doesn’t know how he can love someone so much yet feel so powerless, so useless, so hurt by them. Your love always made him better, but he didn’t think it would ever let him down like this. 

It’s not pure jealousy he feels when you finally pull away and smile at Junghyun. It’s a mix of emotions, really. Jungkook wants to comfort you but he feels upset. He misses you but he doesn’t want to say anything that would hurt you. He wants to be the one you run to but he can’t bring himself to be close to you. He wants you to feel his love but he doesn’t know how to show it.

You meet his eyes as you turn towards the living room, but Jungkook looks away. He busies himself on his phone and keeps to himself during dinner. He holds your hand during the car ride home when you reach for him and then lets you lay his arm on your waist when you both sleep that night, with your back against his chest while he feels you still so far away. 

He doesn’t get to sleep much just like every night. He worries you’d feel pain again. Somehow he wants to be alert enough to know you’re still breathing; he needs the sound of your soft snores to assure him that you’re alive, that you’re still next to him despite his unwillingness to be close. 

Is this what love is like behind closed doors? He’d been surrounded by his family and yours and only seen the happy parts of it. When it came to Jungkook’s past relationships, he broke it off after the first fight because he didn’t think it was love if it hurt or made him angry like that. 

But now there’s you, and even if he feels every possible negative emotion out there, all he thinks about is just how much he loves you. All he knows is that he can’t live without you. But right now, he also can’t deny that he’s upset. 

Maybe love is like this, he thinks. Once the honeymoon phase has lapsed, your differences surface, and you have to learn how to navigate it all without losing yourself and the other person, without drowning in the depths of both of your shortcomings, and  then coming out the other side still intact and willing to learn and grow. 

Monday comes and you wake up to the sound of keyboard typing once again. Jungkook hasn’t been going to the office despite needing to physically meet the teams who’ll be working on the project, and you hate that he feels like he has to babysit you even if you’re perfectly capable of looking after yourself. Mrs. Na is home; you don’t want Jungkook to have to give up even more than he needs to. 

You don’t bring it up though, not wanting to interrupt him during his incredibly busy day, as he goes from one meeting to another. It’s the next day when you wake up to the same scene that you finally suggest going back to work.

“Hun, you can go to the office, you know?” You say sleepily as you stand by the door. “I’m sure it’ll be easier to manage everything from there. I’m fine here, I promise.”

He turns towards you as he types on his phone. “And if you aren’t, would you call me?” He looks at you pointedly. “Will you let me know this time?”

They don’t seem like rhetorical questions, but they’re not something you want to answer, given the hint of bitterness in them. Jungkook says it blankly, almost devoid of emotions that it shakes you because of how unfamiliar he sounds. 

You don’t answer, and he faces his laptop to continue with his work. “I’m fine here,” he repeats your words. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

You let the next 2 days pass while slowly retreating into yourself. You’re bored out of your mind but you can’t do anything remotely productive or entertaining. Much as you can sneak in time to paint, there’s no thought or inspiration that’s pushing you to create something. The TV shows suddenly seem boring without Jungkook to talk about them with, and even your books can’t keep your attention long enough past one chapter. 

It doesn’t help that you can hear your husband’s frustrated groans as he gets off a phone call or as he types away. His raised voice echoes from his small office down to the living room. You want to let him rest, relieve him in some way, or comfort him like you used to do, but you don’t think any of those would be welcome. He’s told you enough with the absence of his touch that he doesn’t want any of that.

If you’re being honest with yourself, you don’t think he wants you right now either.

Jungkook surprisingly goes to bed early that evening, and he’s tucked under the covers by the time you lay next to him after a warm bath. 

“You feeling alright?” He asks with his eyes still closed, as he feels the dip on the mattress. 

“Yeah,” you muster enough energy to respond. 

“Okay,” he hums, turning to his side away from you again and by now, you’d be surprised if he didn’t. 

You turn on your side, too, content on just imagining his soft smile and the sparkle in his eyes when he speaks to you. Those have gone away somehow, and there’s a twitch in your heart that’s not caused by overworking; it’s caused by the feeling of distance you didn’t think you’d ever feel with the man you’d promised to love your whole life.

It’s afternoon the next day when you find yourself more frustrated than anything. You wanted to go to the park and get some fresh air but Jungkook insisted on going with you, commenting once more that you may not call him if something comes up. It usually takes a lot to make you irate but his snide remarks and aversion towards you have slowly been eating you up inside.

You decided against going out, not wanting to take him away from work, especially as you’d heard him raising his voice at someone on the phone, his groans echoing throughout the loft once more. 

You always loved being around Jungkook. Whether he was busy at work, frustrated over something, or being needy or clingy, he makes you feel wanted. It’s the random kiss on your cheek or his loving glance or the way he’d affectionately call you ‘baby’ or when he’s finally next to you and he doesn’t want to let you go. But right now he’s being confusing - he wants to be where you are but he somehow finds it difficult to be around you, to talk to you, to look at you, to be close to you.

“You should go for a run or head to the gym or something,” you tell him from the living room when he heads down to the kitchen for a glass of water. 

“Why should I?” 

“So you can release your frustrations elsewhere,” you turn to him, looking him straight in the eyes but he looks away. “Your desk will break if you hit it one more time. And you’ve been snapping at your staff and that’s not how you should be treating them. Just go, take a break. Work can wait. You just need to clear your mind.”

“And if I go, would you call if something happens?”

It’s that line again, but by now it’s gotten old. 

“Nothing will, and if something does, I won’t be alone,” you respond. “Yeji and Nari are coming. I asked them over, so you can go spend time on your own. I know you want to, since you can’t seem to stand me. You won’t talk to me, you won’t look at me… might as well just spend a few hours away from me.”

Maybe then you’d start missing me, you don’t say. 

“Fine, I’ll go when they get here.”

He doesn’t refute, he just accepts. In your mind, that’s him agreeing. A part of you hoped he’d say you’re wrong, that you’re just imagining things, or maybe explain why he’s been acting the way he has. It isn’t like him to bite his tongue and not express himself through words. He’d never had a problem doing that, you remind yourself. 

It isn’t like you to let your emotions get the better of you, too, as you let a tear fall when he heads back to your room with no other words said. 

He hears your friends arrive, as not long after they do, he hurries down the stairs and walks out the door, his jacket hood over his head and his gym bag slung over his shoulder.

“Okay, talk to us,” Nari says, as she watches the exchange between you and your husband, a rare sight indeed, as all she’s known of both of you since falling in love was that unabashed joy and affection that’s infectious and heartwarming.

Folding your knees and hugging them tightly, you pout then let the tears fall. “He hasn’t held me since we got back from the hospital,” you say. “He barely talks to me, he doesn’t look at me. He’s cold and irritable and distant, l…” 

You take a deep breath and lean onto Yeri’s shoulder when she pulls you for a hug. “He’s been working at home but his presence is so intimidating and tense.”

“Maybe it’s just work,” your best friend reasons as she hugs you tighter. “Isn’t there a big project that he got approved? It might just be the pressure, you know? And what happened to you is worrisome. Maybe it’s all just piling up.”

“But he’s never been like this,” you insist, sniffing and trying to find your voice. “He doesn’t just ignore me or act like I’m not around. Even with our small arguments before, he’d never spoken to me coldly or bitterly. He’s never…” you trail, feeling the ache in your heart at the newness of this, of this feeling of being unwanted or needed. “Oh god, I feel so silly. I totally sound like a spoiled, bratty, needy wife.”

“Hey,” Nari nudges you and takes you from Yeri, wiping away your tears and urging you to stop excusing your feelings. “You aren’t being silly. If he’s making you feel that way, then he should be a grown up and tell you directly why, not ignore you and make you feel bad about it. You just went through something terrifying, ___. He should be comforting and taking care of you.”

“Do you know why he’s acting that way?” Yeri asks now. “Because I feel like I do. I mean, knowing you and him, it’s not that hard to figure out.”

It’s your tear-stained face and pouty lips that give it away that you have an idea, too, and both women know that as your best friends, they need to be on your side while also knocking some sense into you.

“Why didn’t you tell him what you’ve been experiencing?” Yeri continues. “Why did you keep it all from him?”

“I thought I could just brush them off without having to make him worry,” you finally answer after a long beat of silence. “If it was nothing, then I didn’t want to burden him with unnecessary things.”

“___, we’ve talked about this,” Nari groans, frustrated because this has always been her issue when it comes to you, how you just brush things off for fear of worrying your loved ones about your condition, without realizing that you’re making the other person feel distrusted, unworthy, powerless. It’s this unnecessary courtesy that she always felt you developed as a coping mechanism because of how overprotected you were growing up, being doted on and treated like a fragile doll who couldn’t break a sweat or be inconvenienced in any way. 

“It’s hard to unlearn,” you mumble, knowing what she means. The only way you felt like your illness would stop defining you was if people didn’t know it still affected you. 

“So what, you’ll just let it affect your health again like this? And now your marriage, too?” She counters. “I know you don’t want it to, so unlearn it faster. And talk to him. It’s the only way.”

You nod, knowing that some days, you just need your best friends to spell out the things you already know, because somehow it makes sense when they’re the ones telling you. 

You sit in between them, anxious about how you’ll face Jungkook when he returns. You were never good at this, and during the few times you and your husband had fought, he’d been the one to initiate talking and working things out, insistent to hold onto your promise to each other of not sleeping until you’ve resolved your issues, no matter how late it already is. But now, he seems to be the one who’s letting it drag on, not wanting to address it or even acknowledge it.

Nari and Yeri help you prepare dinner, as you’d let Mrs. Na go home to attend to family matters. The stew smells amazing, but to be honest, you don’t really have the appetite for it.

They leave after cleaning up, and you’re left with your own thoughts in the quiet of the loft that’s gotten colder, lonelier the past week.

Your heart leaps out of your chest at the sound of the door opening, and you watch in pain as Jungkook merely walks past you and heads towards the stairs. 

“Kook, talk to me,” you beg, voice low yet desperate. “Please. I can’t do this anymore.”

This stops him in his tracks and he turns around, his jaw clenched and his eyes unreadable. 

“I can’t,” he says, turning away. 

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to say things I’ll regret. Because I’m angry and upset and I can’t express any of that when you can have another relapse or something.”

“I don’t care,” you exclaim. “Say whatever you want to, and say it now. Because that’s way better than you blatantly ignoring me. Your hurtful words would be better than none at all.”

“Yeah, because I’m the one who’s hurting you, right?” He says, his voice getting louder now. “I’m the one who doesn’t trust you, who’s not honest with you, who keeps secrets and shit… I’m the one who’s at fault for worrying about you being in pain and then being upset that you kept it all from me. Right? You’re the only one who’s hurting? And not me?”

“That’s not what I meant,” you huff, feeling the tears pool in your eyes again. 

Jungkook decides against saying something, exhaling deeply instead and massaging his temples as he paces around the living room. 

“I was in that fucking room presenting some fucking project while you were in the ER, all on your own, taking tests and just waiting to be told if your illness is back,” he says, seemingly restraining himself. 

“If I could spare you the worry, I would,” you argue. “I just wanted to make sure that it wasn’t anything serious before—”

“Before calling?” He scoffs. “You’re my wife and I won’t forgive myself if anything bad happens to you! So what, you were just gonna wait there for bad news and not let me be there for you? What if it was worse and you didn’t manage to get in a cab? What if the hospital was far away and you fainted? What if something was wrong with your heart again? And then I wouldn’t have been there because you didn’t fucking call! Because I didn’t know you were experiencing all that in the first place! Because of all the things that you chose to keep from me, it was this. As if hiding it from me our entire lives wasn’t enough.”

There it is, all the what-ifs in Jungkook’s mind that he’s always been so scared of. He’s never brought himself to envision you in any sort of pain but then you were, and the intense fear of what could’ve happened swam in his mind, and there’s nothing worse than feeling powerless to protect the love of his life from all that.

“If this is about you feeling guilty that you’re not able to do anything–”

“Fuck it is! That and more!” He yells, the frustration overtaking him. “Don’t you get it? I can’t stand you in pain, and I can’t stand it when you feel like you have to bear it on your own, like you have to spare me or something. Yeah, I’m fucking terrified, but I’m still your husband. And you tell me these things,” he heaves. “I’m sorry I worry, or that I overreact or become dramatic and overly cautious, what do you expect? But you can’t hide this from me. I can’t not be your first call. That’s not fucking fair.” 

“Kook, honey, I’m sorry,” you cry, trying to reach out for him but he pulls his arm away. 

“Are you? You knew what you were doing, ___. You chose not to tell me the first time, and the next, and the one after that. And I had to fucking learn it from my brother again and I just…” Jungkook stops, and you look at him to see that he’s crying, the pain in his eyes so piercing that it’s probably gonna haunt you for days. 

“I know you’ve always turned to him and he’s someone you can be honest with but… why can’t you trust me that way?”

“You know that’s not it,” you try to explain. You know that as much as you can reason that you only called Junghyun because Jungkook wasn’t picking up your calls, your husband would argue that you could’ve called way earlier, and he’d be right.

“Then what is it, ___?” He asks, and you realize that the most painful thing he can say is calling you by your name. 

“You… you’re always the first for me,” he continues. “Whatever I’m feeling, whatever I did that day, you’re the first person I think about, the one I need to tell everything to; you’re always my first call. It’s always you because we promised each other. Through the good and the bad, it’s me and you. And keeping that promise was never hard because I want it to be you. Because I trust you. And to realize that it’s not the same with you just fucking sucks, okay?” He huffs, sounding defeated. 

“What else are you not telling me? That you’re taking more art classes because being with those kids compensates for us not yet having our own because I’m fucking terrified of what that would mean for your health? I mean, how the hell can we have our own kids if you can’t even communicate with me? If you can’t even tell me what you’re feeling? If you don’t even trust that I’ll do everything to ease your pain and be there for you? How could you think that anything else is more important than you are?”

The sob that escapes you is immediate. The scene feels familiar, as the last time you’d cried this hard in front of Jungkook was years ago, in this exact spot, but this time, you know this is on you. 

His words should be comforting - he loves you, and he loves hard, he loves openly, bravely, unapologetically. But all you can see is the hurt in his eyes. And all those times that you promised yourself that you wouldn’t let your illness define you feels stupid and hypocritical now, because here you are, hurting the man you love because you wanted to carry the burden on your own. But as you’re learning, being someone’s partner means sharing all that with them, and trusting that you’ll pull through together. 

Jungkook watches you cry and this feels familiar, too. He never really fully got to remove this very scene from years ago out of his mind no matter how hard he tried. Nothing hurts him more than seeing you like this, but much as he wants to hold you in his arms, he’s afraid to find out that it wouldn’t be enough. 

“I’m not really hungry,” he finally says, changing the subject because he honestly can’t bear talking some more. “I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight.”

He turns around and heads towards the hallway and closes the door, leaving you rooted on the ground to watch him walk away.

There’s a different kind of pain that’s filling your entire body. The one caused by your illness is purely physical, as if you could feel it only the very structure of your organ - it’s straightforward and familiar, something that medication and a few breaths could relieve. 

But the one you’re feeling now is different - you feel it all over. There’s a ringing in your head of all the things that Jungkook had said. Your mind is going through all the times he’d called you first, or put you first, or followed through his promise of sharing his world and his heart and his soul with you. There’s that feeling of something missing - his fingers in between the spaces of yours, his arms around your waist, his soft lips against your own. There’s that absence of the affectionate tone of his voice and his boyish laughter, and it’s like without those, you can’t hear anything at all.

The past week has felt like a month of being without him, or at least, being without his comfort and security. It’s like being stripped off of your basic necessities - everything is hard without him, everything is worthless and unhappy and incomplete without him. 

Is this what it feels like when you carry everything on your own? When you restrain yourself from sharing your fears and your burdens and your pain with someone else? Because sharing the joy - the good things - doubles it; and now you know that sharing the bad things increases it, too. 

You sigh and wipe your tears, thinking of how much more you need to learn about love and marriage and being someone’s lifelong partner. Your grandmother once said you’re so full of love, and you wonder how you could’ve possibly failed at giving it to the person you love the most.

Knees bent against your chest, you hug yourself for that warmth you need, but you aren’t enough for it, as you should know by now. On the other side of the door in the hallway is the person you need, the person you want, the person you love, and there’s no way that you’re going to let him sleep all alone tonight.

Mustering up the courage, you get on your feet and stand outside the room. You want to keep a promise this time, about not sleeping until you’ve both resolved the issue, or at least made up somehow. You don’t want him to go through even just one night thinking that you don’t care enough to face him, to be uncomfortable, to be accountable, because you are. And you want him to know that. 

The door creaks open and you find Jungkook in bed, lying on his back with one arm over his eyes. It’s already been half an hour and you’d be surprised if he’s still crying. But you don’t miss his clenched jaw and fist, the frustration clearly still evident. 

You walk towards the other side of the bed and slowly position yourself - close enough for the distance not to feel too much, but far enough for him to still pull away. 

You reach out for his hand and he flinches a little, but when you uncurl his fingers so you can caress them, he lets you. The sight of your name tattooed on his finger makes you cry again. 

He doesn’t like playing soccer or hitting the gym with his ring on, but he doesn’t want - “even for a second,” he’d said - for there to be no trace of your marriage on him. “Seeing it makes me smile,” he’d told you. “I got to marry the prettiest woman on earth and I know when what I do is over, she’ll be there waiting for me.”

Jungkook has always put you first, in every sense possible. Junghyun told you once that his brother has always sought a high from being reckless, from doing what he wanted, when he wanted, but he’s never wanted to do anything right as much as when it comes to loving you. 

“I don’t have an excuse for how I handled things, and I handled them pretty terribly,” you start, your voice shaking. “I never got to outgrow that selfishness, that need to always prove to everyone that I can handle things on my own. And it’s because of that that I hurt you, Kook. It’s because of that that you’re feeling like I don’t trust you, that you’re not my first call. And I’m so, so sorry.”

His lips quiver, and he nibbles them to keep himself from sobbing again.

“I’ve needed help and assistance for more than half of my life and that feeling of weakness frustrates me; it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t like burdening others. And you’re right, I’ve been unfair to you; I’ve been unfair to us. It’s this fear of disappointing you, of seeing you scared that makes me think that you don’t need to know trivial things like that and I was wrong. I’m so wrong, Kook,” you continue. 

“Because all I’ve wanted this past week was to be with you and tell you I’m scared, that I miss you, that I wish you could comfort me, that I’m so bored and that I want to go out but I want to go out with you. I wanna tell you that my students sent a video, hoping that I’m feeling better and that they’ll be waiting for me. I wanna tell you that I learned how to make egg noodles, and that I’m craving pork soup. I wanna tell you that the medication and rest are working because the chest pains are gone but the palpitations are few and far in between now.”

Wiping your tears, you see that Jungkook is pressing his arm harder on his eyes, and the way he heaves tells you that he’s crying just as much as you are.

“You’ve always tried to understand me and give me my space,” you say. “You’re patient when I don’t open up right away. You make sure to make things easy for me, that I always feel protected and loved and I don’t ever want to take that for granted, Kook. I want to be better; I’ll do better. I’ll love you much better. I just—”

Dark, glassy eyes that are looking at you cut you off, and you see the sadness in them, the care and affection and apology and forgiveness. And somehow, this makes you cry even more. 

Jungkook gently nudges your hand that’s still holding his, and it’s your cue to throw yourself next to his side, your arms immediately wrapping around his torso. He’s warm and safe like you remember, even more when he tightens his hold after you cry harder, with your head laid on his chest. 

You can hear his breathing and his occasional sniffles. You try to inhale his scent with your stuffy nose, but even if you barely can, you know he smells like comfort, and like always, he smells like home. 

“I don’t like it when you cry,” he says softly after a while. “Doesn’t crying make you palpitate or something?”

“A little,” you respond, peeking up at him. His eyes are drier now, but they’re focused on the ceiling. “It was faster earlier but it’s slowed down now.”

“I’m sorry,” he turns to you. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to say those things the way I did.”

“Don’t be,” you respond, wiping your tears. “I had to hear them, and I don’t blame you for how they came out, either.”

“I… I don’t think I’m angry anymore but I’m still upset,” he says softly, apologetically. “I wish I wasn’t but I just…” he trails.

“It’s okay,” you look at him and smile. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. Take your time. I’ll just be in our room.”

“Okay,” he mumbles.

He kisses your forehead, and the feel of it is all you really need to assure you. 

It’s not ideal. You wish you could sleep next to him, maybe talk about how the past week has been or apologize some more. You don’t want to focus on the fact that this would be the first time that you’d sleep separately. It happens, you tell yourself. You’d rather that he’s honest with you like this, something you couldn’t be to him and you owe him his own space and time. 

You kiss his cheek and get off the bed. “I’ll leave the stew in the oven in case you get hungry. Good night, Kook,” you say, and head out the door.

You settle for fruits for dinner, barely having an appetite as well. You take a long, hot bath and think of all you’ve done, where you went wrong, and what you can do after all this. You meant what you said that you’re going to be better. You always knew you were lacking in many things; you’ve been told that communication isn’t your strongest suit. But you can’t let the doubts creep in because you know Jungkook, and you know you. The last thing you’ll ever doubt is how much you love each other. 

Maybe love is like this, you think to yourself. It hurts because it matters, and people fight because there’s something to fight for but it’s the kind of fight where nobody loses. You and Jungkook are different people and maybe that’s why it works the way it does, but it also doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t constantly work hard to meet each other in the middle. He does, and you will, even harder than before. Being loved by Jungkook is a gift, and being able to love him is a privilege. 

You think about this even more as you lay in bed. It’s colder without him next to you; it feels empty. But you can sleep well knowing he’s taking his own time just downstairs, hopefully missing you, too. 

He asked you to trust him. You always thought that was easy and that it just meant being faithful, that he wouldn’t hurt you. You realize now it’s more than that; that despite the fights and the fears and the tears, it’s trusting that you’re both going to be okay. 

You fill your mind with Jungkook’s smile, knowing that maybe in a few days, you’ll be blessed with that sight again. You don’t know how many scenes and memories you’ve gone through when you feel a dip on the mattress next to you and Jungkook’s arm wrapping around your waist, pulling you close to him. He nuzzles your neck like he always would, and though he doesn’t say or do anything else, you know that this is his way of telling you that he trusts you, too. That he trusts both of you.

Maybe love is like this - it's when you hold each other the tightest after a fight; it’s when you pull the other close even if neither of you wants to say anything; it’s when you’re upset but not enough to spend a night apart. Maybe it’s when you can be honest about being mad but not doubting the other person’s devotion. 

Jungkook’s warm breath against your skin eases your mind and your heart, and you know that whatever happens tomorrow, you’ll wake up with him next to you. It’s been a tough week and a hard night but you think that maybe, this is when you learn to love each other even more. 

Series Masterlist

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[fandom-puff]

Gorilla- Remus Lupin

Warnings: smut- rough sex. Mentions of drugs/alcohol but as like a metaphor no one takes drugs/alcohol in this. Remus getting wild in the sheets 😉😉 also remus gets called daddy so

Also I like cut out the last bit of the song bc it’s basically like a repeat of the chorus with some ✨vocals✨

Gif creds to owner

Song creds to owners

Ooh, I got a body full of liquor

With a cocaine kicker

And I'm feeling like I'm thirty feet tall

So lay it down, lay it down

He was practically feral.

This close to the full moon, you knew better than to expect your usual tender lovemaking. No... tonight, Moony would take control, possessing the gentle man before you until he was a rutting beast.

Towering over you, Remus backed you up to the back of the bedroom door, which you had only just managed to kick closed, staring down at you with such intensity, it made your knees weak. His pupils were blown, the glinting greenness of his irises now almost completely eclipsed by the black of his pupils. His hands lay against the door, either side of your head, boxing you in as you stared up at him, eyes wide; you really felt like little red riding hood cornered by the big bad wolf.

And you definitely weren’t afraid of the ‘big bad wolf’ who happened to be your boyfriend. As you so often did, you wanted the werewolf to ruin you, to make you scream until your vocal chords were raw, to fuck you until your eyes rolled back and you could barely string a coherent sentence together.

All that from being pinned to the wall and put under the scrutiny of Remus’s lust-filled eyes.

You got your legs up in the sky

With the devil in your eyes

The backs of your thighs burned with exertion as Remus held them up and apart, his face buried between your thighs as he drank from your wetness like a starving man. The little bedroom was filled with the soft whimpers you could no longer suppress and the lewd wet noises of Remus’s tongue sponging over your most sensitive parts.

Let me hear you say you want it all

Say it now, say it now

He had been down there for a while, and you had come several times from his tongue and lips against your now swollen clit, but you felt so empty. Despite your best efforts, Remus’s hands stayed holding your thighs apart, and his tongue had hardly dipped in your soaking channel.

“Remus, please!” You groaned, inwardly cringing at how needy you sounded. Yet, you could not bring yourself to care- you wanted nothing more than for him to be buried to the hilt inside of you, pounding you into the bed, finally dulling the throbbing ache of arousal that had been burning inside you for hours.

Look what you're doing, look what you've done

But in this jungle you can't run

'Cause what I got for you

I promise it's a killer,

You'll be banging on my chest

Bang bang, gorilla

Resurfacing from between your legs, Remus licked his glistening lips, staring at you as you backed up the mattress, towards the pillows. “Please...” you whined, reaching to tug him down to you, pawing at his jumper in a pathetic attempt to feel his skin against yours.

“You want this off, darling?” He murmured, voice throaty with arousal. You nodded quickly, sitting up to help him shove the jumper off, tossing it aside without a care in the world. Instantly you attacked Remus’s chest with your lips, occasionally trailing your nails down over it as he rid you of the last scraps of your clothes. “Get on your hands and knees,” he growled into your ear before biting the lobe sharply.

***

Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair

But you don't look like you're scared

You just smile and tell me, "Daddy, it's yours."

'Cause you know how I like it,

You's a dirty little lover

His name fell from your lips in a garbled chant of ecstasy as he pounded into you from behind, one hand maintaining the arch in your waist, the other wrapped tightly around your hair, holding your head up by a rough ponytail.

It was a good thing too- had it not been for his hand in your hair, you would’ve fallen face first into the sheets, which really would’ve been a shame as Remus so dearly loved to hear your cries and moans and whimpers as he shagged the living daylights out of you.

After a succession of several particularly well-aimed thrusts which had your eyes rolling back and your jaw slackening, and a rarely used word slipped out of you mouth. “D-daddy...”

If the neighbors call the cops,

Call the sheriff, call the SWAT ‒ we don't stop,

We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door

And you're screaming, "Give it to me baby,

[Explicit version:] Give it to me motherfucker!"

It was as if something in him snapped completely, and he yanked you up by the hair, still thrusting into you as his chest pressed into your back, a strong arm around your middle. “Daddy... Hmm, someone is a needy girl tonight,” he growled into your ear, sending shivers down your spine and bolts of arousal shooting to your core.

You nodded weakly, head looking back against Remus’s shoulder as you felt pleasure beginning to crest in your belly. You allowed yourself to fully let go, your suppressed moans dissolving into needy cries as you begged remus to make you come. You knew that there were silencing charms up, but couldn’t bring yourself to care if they were still working, too caught up in your ecstasy to care what Sirius may or may not be able to hear.

I bet you never ever felt so good, so good

I got your body trembling like it should, it should

You'll never be the same baby once I'm done with you

“Are you gonna come, sweetheart,” he grunted into you ear, the gentle pet name so dramatically different to the way he was wrecking you. “I can feel your tight little cunt squeezing me... fuck, good girl,”

You moaned lewdly, pressing sloppy kisses to whatever bit of skin you could reach. “Daddy...” you whimpered, reaching down to rub desperately at your clit.

“I know... good girl, touch yourself while I fill you up, Princess,” he grunted, biting your shoulder slightly. “Fuck- you won’t be able to walk in a straight line once I’m through with you,”

You merely groaned in response, the change in pitch alerting him that you were teetering on the edge of your climax. “Come,” he growled, tilting your head to kiss you intensely as your orgasm crashed over you.

If it weren’t for his arms, you’d have collapsed on the bed in a twitching, messy heap. But remus held you up, holding you close as he released inside you with a feral growl of your name.

Breathing laboured, his grey-flecked hair in his eyes, he pulled out of you, shushing you tiny whimpers, helping you onto your side as you came down from your mountainous high.

Once partially recovered and totally cleaned up, you snuggled under the covers, holding onto each other. You could hear Remus’s heart pounding and knew that there were a few more intense rounds in store for you before the full moon- not that you minded of course. The ache already blooming between your thighs was indicator enough as to how much you and Remus enjoyed your intense couplings.

Tags: @liliputbahn @lilymurphy03 @pinkandblueblurbs @wholebigboxofyikes @remus-lupin-simp @dailyalanrickman @cremedelabrulee @simpforsnape @imareallygrumpyme @ithinkweallsing @lizlil @whizzbeesdukes @sassicaismysupreme @acciosiriusblack @highfunctioningfangirl19 @sw33tgirl @sociallyawkward-princess @pandaxnienke @agalandhermarvelobsession @once-upon-an-imagine @lazyotakujen @lilypad-55449 @rogertaylorismycar

[wigglebox]

First of all, I just wanted to thank you. Your blog has been such a safe space for me these past few days.

I honestly never thought something like this would happen but now that the dust has settled a bit and all the jokes have died down I'm feeling a little bad for Misha, because I know that there's a real possibility that he is bi. I mean people keep saying things like why would he say he's bi if he isn't?' Or why did the people at stands who know him personally accepted the whole coming out so easily? And the only thing that would make sense here is that he decided to take back his statement after he saw how big it got, and I don't blame him for being blindsided by this to be honest, spn barely ever makes the news. Why would those vultures hop on this of all things? I do feel like a lot of other people feel the same, I see them implying it in their tags but not going further, and I get it. People want to respect his words, but someone going back into the closet after not receiving the reaction they'd been expecting isn’t such a wild theory, hell, I bet a bunch of us had to go back to the closet as well when we felt unsafe.

And if by some miracle he is straight, I really don't get some people's reactions who feel like he's betrayed them or something. Did you only like this person because you thought he was queer? That's like supporting someone else only because they're a woman like you for example. It makes no sense. The people calling him homophobic are even more baffling. The worst thing he's done is, make gay jokes about himself? How does that hurt anyone? Again unless you've decided to support this person only because you thought he was queer, which feels very disingenuous. It's definitely not on the same level, as say, J*red making degrading gay jokes about other people. And not to mention the fact that Misha's always been like this? So no, he didn't queerbait you either. You just didn't put a limit to your parasocializing habits.

It's just been a tough couple of days for me, and not even entirely because of Misha to be honest, but because of how my fellow members of the community showed that you have to act a certain way to feel like you belong. I saw someone basically say that Misha is a coward for not coming out completely if he actually is bi, and as a closeted bisexual living in an unsafe and homophobic environment, that was really disheartening to read, and yes Hollywood is an unsafe environment, especially for a bisexual man.

I honestly think I'm going to take a break from this fandom, so many of my favorite people here have been disappointing me so much lately. I wanted to thank you again for your wonderful blog and hope you have a very nice day.💗

i'm so sorry you feel like you have to leave for a little bit but we'll be here when you get back! <3

i won't touch on everything else you said for the most part bc same.

and it's hard, because you feel like in your heart still, despite him saying both queer things and straight comments over the years, you feel like he's still like... he still obviously belongs. also I mean, poly people are also under the queer umbrella, soooooooo....? we just gonna ignore that?

also straight isn't rigid either. straight is one of those identities people can use for a number of things.

privately, we don't know what's going on with him, so it's hard to make the argument 'this is someone who was forced back in the closet' but what I am standing firm on is the fact that he was forced to label himself at all. people will come back at me with the 'oh but he said it during the dinner' but even then, not really. a 'coming out' usually doesn't happen when you randomly answer a fan's interjection about raising a hand or something. he brought bisexuality up in the poll to the audience and the bisexuality and poets thing but really, it's no more damning than other things he's said.

he's said things that very much allude to 'i'm not a 0 on the kinsey scale' and he's said things that make you go oh okay he said he's straight.

but how straight lol. there are men out there who do call themselves straight but will still have had some kind of intimate interactions with a man, and not just platonically or whatever.

this is me speculating on his private situation which I don't really want to do but the point being is — the man was seeing his name, his ex-wife's name, and his children's names in these articles that are googlable, and reputable [somehow] and once it hit people magazine I think he truly may have started to panic.

and he made his labeling public, on the record, because he had no other choice.

so if he is actually privately out and about doing his thing, and isn't completely rigidly straight as a board — it's NOT cowardly to feel like you can't be yourself publically to the world, especially when other people are involved.

that's another thing i can't understand when people say he was a coward for 'not coming out if he actually as bi' because, no? the fandom on fandom discomfort that's growing every day is very distressing for many queer fans who don't know where they fall, and/or don't know how to address it publically to friends and family, or can't because of safety issues.

other people were getting involved with this. once his ex wife and kids are getting named, that's a whole other story. himself is one thing, but tabloid journalists are ruthless.

people think it's easy for Actormen to come out or allude to queerness and indeed maybe for SOME it is, but it's not the same for everyone. his own personal history wasn't on the line with these press articles, all his loved ones' were too.

Btw if you think it's easy for Actormen, please read this article by Colton Haynes. Trigger warnings for assault and homophobia but it's still a sad reality.

so i don't care if he's straight straight or queer but doesn't know how to define himself and goes with straight for protection or necessity, or if whatever. idk. i don't care.

he had to say it. there was no other choice for him. and you can never compare our situations with his 100% because i know i sure don't have to be worried that the new york post is going to write an article about me or people magazine or out magazine, bringing my family who likes to remain private out into the spotlight with me.

and it is what it is.

he's still the same person. he's never invalidated us, and any time he missteps he apologizes sincerely. and he listens, and he tries to learn. he also has foot in mouth disease which, I really don't feel like ANYONE in this fandom has ANY right to criticize him for because lordy. some of y'all are pretty queerphobic, biphobic — said some really awful things — except y'all don't have to worry about dragging your loved ones into a media and fandom melee and all your private details and relationships are about to become public.

*also when i'm saying 'you' i mean the royal You xD not you-you, nonny I promise <3

[eveningcolor]

idk how many you want so like. *drops all of the primp kids into your lap and runs*

OH GOD OH FUCK [barely manages to catch all of them in my arms]

this is gonna be a long one so i'll. put it under a cut fjdsljflkd

Amitie

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian methinks!

Gender Headcanon: definitely genderqueer

A ship I have with said character: amiess :) also queerplatonic amiarle is good

A BROTP I have with said character: big love her friendship with the other primp kids/ringo

A NOTP I have with said character: not a fan of sigami but im pretty sure im just salty bc its like half the puyo tag on ao3 JKLFSDJKLFJKL

A random headcanon: absolutely has adhd. you can't argue with me on this bc im right

General Opinion over said character: [holds her] i just think she's neat :) her english voice in ppt2 is a little annoying tho i prefer her alt

Raffina

Sexuality Headcanon: pansexual queen <3

Gender Headcanon: absolutely a trans girl

A ship I have with said character: raffidelle is my main one but i think that raffiess is also very nice :)

A BROTP I have with said character: HER AND RULUE. i love their dynamic so much

A NOTP I have with said character: nothing comes to mind

A random headcanon: she is the only normal person in primp and i think it's hilarious

General Opinion over said character: ngl i did not like her at first but boy have i seen the light. i love her very much

Lidelle

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian

Gender Headcanon: i think she is she/they agender actually

A ship I have with said character: as mentioned before, i enjoy raffidelle very much

A BROTP I have with said character: i think she and draco should have canon interactions

A NOTP I have with said character: nothing in particular comes to mind??

A random headcanon: i like the hcs that she's related to draco/satan therefore i think she also has wings she just hides them like she tries to do with her horns

General Opinion over said character: she's very good :)

Sig

Sexuality Headcanon: nebularomantic/ace!

Gender Headcanon: transmasc nb :)

A ship I have with said character: i like sigklug :)

A BROTP I have with said character: sig and amitie my beloveds

A NOTP I have with said character: again, i dont care for sigami but its not a big thing

A random headcanon: i think that if he is over at a friend's house and there is a bug he simply takes it home with him. amitie calls him over for this specific purpose sometimes

General Opinion over said character: he is extremely very much good and also such a fucking mood

Klug

Sexuality Headcanon: disaster bisexual

Gender Headcanon: he/him nonbinary methinks

A ship I have with said character: i actually have quite a few for him! kluguro is my favorite, feliklug comes in very close second (thanks red), and sigklug is also good (though it kind of falls on the backburner in comparison to the other two)

A BROTP I have with said character: KLUG AND AYA. their relationship is so interesting to me,, i like klug and raffina's dynamic a lot for some reason i think they're neat

A NOTP I have with said character: lem/klug and aya/klug :/

A random headcanon: i like the idea of there like. being subtle changes he undergoes post possession.... red eyes :)

General Opinion over said character: i love him so fucking much

[mixedhell]

BUBS WITH THE ASKS OPEN TAKE THIS: Tsuki or Sakusa + blushing all the way to the point of the ears bc they're cute cute like that 🥰💕 (or if we're on the nsfw spectrum today lets do some fingering action 👀)

Ok this is happening. HI THERE MY LOVE, I MADE THIS. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT AND YEAH. 

 It is my first time giving a chance for this thing called writing, so bare with me if it isn’t that good or major grammar mistakes. I truly did my best. Also, I was sligthly inspired by @bjbex and the little series (I guess I can call it like that) of Haikyuu characters stoned. But also check her masterlist, the quality is *chef kiss*

I am also gonna tag @nekxrizawa c:

Today I took a walk and wore my mask. It was a sunny day, the first in a long time. I considered this a sign for Sakusa. It just felt right. Tsukki, I still love you.  

Pairing: Sakusa x Fem!Reader Rating: M! for mature Contains: Mentions of recreational drug use (tiny bit), (almost) fingering, sleepy Sakusa.

Relaxed. That’s how you feel after having sex with Sakusa. Like the weight of the world has been lifted and suddenly the only thing in your mind is yours and his existence. However today you were feeling more relaxed. It is not often that you smoke together or that you smoke on general, but sometimes you need to slow down the craziness that surrounds both of you and a little extra something makes it easier for it to happen. 

You decided that it was time for a shower and you lean very slowly over him to place a kiss on his throat. Sakusa opens his eyes, more acknowledging the act than anything else and goes back to his sleepy form. You didn’t even try to convince him to come with you because 1. you are too tired for it and 2. you know he prefers to shower alone after sex. “If I get in there with you I am not sure I can hold back”. Well, you wouldn’t complain but.

So you get up and drag yourself to the bathroom, jumping in the shower and just melting some more with the hot water. That was the good side of not having Sakusa with you in the shower, the bad side was well, he wasn’t there. You wash your hair and rinse it, already starting to soap all your body when the door of the shower opens and there he is. But why?

“What are you doing here?”, you ask not fully turning to face him.

“Too sleepy. Thought you would be over soon so”, he said, eyes fighting  gravity to not close completely, hair all over the place. You brush your hand over his curls before caressing his cheek, placing a kiss on the opposite side of his face. 

“I am almost done”, you turn around and keep soaping your body, not minding your new company in the confined space. 

You don’t turn around anymore, deciding to leave Sakusa to his own routine. You are almost done when you feel him on your skin and you jump with the sudden contact. You think that by this stage of your relationship touching would be something that wouldn’t affect you any longer, but it’s quite the contrary. Every touch still feels like the first ones: exciting, scary and cautious. 

 His hands ghost your hips, fingers pressing gently over your skin. Even though the water is hot, is his touch that is burning you. He smells your hair, fresh green apple, and plant a kiss on it. Then, he is lowering, mouth finding a place in your left shoulder, which he claims with a bite to match the other side.

“Kyioomi..”, you call him in between an unexpected moan while closing your eyes. His grip tightens, one hand slowly crawling up. He hums in your skin, licking the place where he just bit. 

“What are you doing?” you ask, while he trails up your skin with his lips, reaching your ear and plating a gentle kiss on it.  

“Not holding back”, he whispers, giving a tentative bite on your earlobe. His hand is already on your chest, but for your unhappiness they keep going up, pass your collarbones until it reaches your neck. He rest his palm under your chin and his second and third finger over your mouth.

“Open it”, and you do, you don’t even think about not doing it. He slips them in, curling softly over your tongue.

 He keeps playing with your mouth while the other hand decides to move, caressing your stomach and repeating the path of his now occupied hand. But this time, they stop in your chest. He squeeze it firmly before going for you nipple, using some residual soap to make it more slippery. And for a while thats all thats happening: one hand busy with your mouth, the other alternating between pinches and flicks on your nipple. 

After a few more minutes, when he decides that he had enough of your mouth, he takes his fingers from it and nest them between your legs, without any warning. You gasp and involuntaraly cover your mouth with one of your hands. He pinches you harder and kiss your neck

“Hey”, he calls you while his fingers covered in your own saliva play with your folds. His hand curls, your body shivers, he’s reaching further and deeper until he is near your entrance, ready to sink his fingers inside you. 

But he doesn’t. 

“Don’t hold back either.”