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bisluthq · 3 years ago

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this is like really random but i have to vent. so basically i’m 20 years old and in my second-year at a uk university. and like i had the worst first-year of my life, made no friends, and got long covid plus really bad depression so yeah it wasn’t great. and now im back at uni i just am really feeling my lack of experience. iv never even properly kissed anyone let alone had sex and all the drinking games etc revolve around sex. i’m pretty sure i’m bi just like based on what i masturbate to but i’v only ever looked at guys as potential relationships. i just like don’t know how to navigate the social world with no friends and no sexual experience, it just feels impossible. and all my friends from home (1 of which is at uni with me) have boyfriends or at least have had sex. and also clubbing feels totally revolved around sex and kissing. it’s really hard to admit to people that i’m a virgin because people assume i’m a prude or a weirdo when i’m not i just haven’t really had the opportunity. i’m just feeling like such a loser atm. oh aaaand i actually really want a boyfriend rn.

Firstly, this is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of. There’s no timeline for these things.

Secondly, so this is going to be a long winded Agony AuNat but sometimes I think my best ones are. In a way, this reminds me of a friend I had like 20-21 at uni. Basically we became friends because I caught her forum role playing and I was like “lmaoooo I used to do that too!” and we like bonded over it and like very quickly I began realizing that she did it on the kinds of sites me and my online friends laughed at because they weren’t ⚡️aesthetic⚡️ or sexy. Like this was some high fantasy bullshit lol - no offense also cool - on like ProBoards when we were already in the Jcink era. Anyway no biggie. This girl - a horse girl at 20 still and not in the rich bitch way - proceeded to like… idolize me and obvi y’all know how much I like attention so I loved it. And one night she asked me for advice on how to get kissed because she had been like… really wanting to lose her virginity but things just weren’t happening. I proceeded to give the worst advice ever because I too was just a young un. I said “don’t worry it’s gonna happen for you!!! Like I’m sure your crush likes you!! Don’t stress you’re so pretty and sweet!” And I believed I was saying the right stuff and it comforted her ngl so I was like 👏🏻👏🏻 go Nat you’re the best at giving advice.

Except here’s the problem - it still wasn’t happening. She was going to parties with me and I was like dressing her sluttier like some weird teen romcom movie where I was giving her a makeover and like… no one was biting.

And then - for those who remember the Nat Cinematic Universe - it turned out that rando from my 21st who I randomly fucked? Ya dudes that was her crush lol and she hadn’t told me because she thought I’d figure it out lol and she was mad at me and we sorta stayed friends until I fucked that guy’s friend which was nbd to anyone involved because my bestie fucked him and tbh I fancied the friend because he was this average sized weedy dark haired boy who was very weird looking and she exploded at me and called me a slut and shit and that was that, friendship over.

Unsure what happened next, but the reason I’ve given you this backstory is from my current POV I gave extremely bad advice so I’m gonna try correct with you tonight.

Unless you’re in high school when friends of friends can go between people and say you have a crush, and then you text them and like bam you’re exclusive, you have to work to get ass or make friends. Okay the other exception is if you’re like SUPER hot idk about that life, but tbh probs even then. Life isn’t a teen movie, and you’re not gonna just catch someone’s eye and that’ll be that. Dressing nicely might be part of it, doing your hair and makeup in whatever style you want, and making it clear up front - especially at uni when imo branding™️ matters a lot - what your interests are and such shit all factor in. I’m not saying change who you are because again that’s supremely bad advice: figure out who you are. Figure out what you want to wear (experiment!), who you want to talk to (strike up convos on campus!), what you like doing (try things out!) and - most importantly - what you’re comfortable with. Try drinking - and if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Try flirting - and if you don’t like it, know that you can go from friends to this and not everyone enjoys that. Try clubbing - and if you don’t like it, know that there are a ton of societies you can join on campus and campus events you can go to that don’t revolve around that, so seek those out and find your tribe.

Fundamentally, college is what you make of it.

Which means that like unfortunately my dude, you’ll make a fool of yourself. Probably more than once.

But know that friends won’t manifest and boys won’t manifest unless you make an effort and put yourself out there. Ask people to coffee. Ask people to the pub. Girls, boys, enbies, whoever.

Re the anxiety about “never having done this before” - I think that’s totally normal. But also like lots of other people haven’t and everyone has had a first time. In drinking games you can lie lol. You don’t need to advertise it’s your first time for anything if you’re uncomfortable with it. I didn’t tell my first kiss he was my first kiss lol because it was unnecessary info for him tbh (it wasn’t hs boyfriend even tho I’m pretty sure I was his lol but he was my third 😌).

But you also don’t need to be shy about it because honestly 2nd year uni is so fucking young. It’s not like you’re coming to me as a 40 year old virgin and asking for advice (again no timeline but I’m not there yet so maybe not the right person to give it). Most of the people you’re hanging out with haven’t had a ton of sexual experience either lmao. On my 20th birthday I had been with exactly two people, my Angel boyfriend (in hindsight) hs ex and the Rabbi’s son (literally no one’s Angel boyfriend but hopefully he and his tiny dick are married now and Mazels if so) who I fucked a few days after we broke up to prove a point. I was a bad lay (and remain so with guys unless they’re into The Hiddles Experience, not for lack of opportunities, but because we don’t have to master all things). I also - unlike you - had never masturbated. I’d never had an orgasm. I liked sex with hs ex but couldn’t explain what I liked or why, it was just fun sometimes and other times it wasn’t. (In hindsight with clit action it was fun and with pure thrusting it wasn’t). So the fact that you have wanked already gives you a head start over many of the girls guys will be meeting.

So like… figure out what’s comfortable for you. Try different things out. Walk away when you don’t like it. Never do stuff that goes against your values. Don’t be overly shy in ways that wind up making you uncomfortable, like with the story that started this, and don’t expect these things to happen if you make no effort. That applies to friendships and ass alike. And sometimes what you think will be ass will turn into friendships and sometimes what you think will be friendship will turn into more. Let it. That’s what uni’s for.

Final point: try reduce the pressure of having a boyfriend. It’s fine if it happens, but since as you say you’re not a prude, it’s fine if it doesn’t. It will eventually. Try go into encounters with the open mindedness of “this could be ass, this could be friendship, this could be more” and like clear eyes full hearts can’t lose tbh.

Final final point: join societies. Join all the societies. The best way to both get ass and make friends and make friends discussing the ass you’re getting is by joining societies.

Good luck, hope this helped, love you lots and enjoy this year and the next (and beyond if you choose Honours or postgrad).

#agony aunat

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kpopfanfictrash · 5 years ago

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Unwind (M)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: Jimin / (female) Reader

Rating: 18+

Warnings: twisted panties, oil, light butt play, fingering, oral (male), spanking, dirty talk, slight degradation, thigh-fucking (?), throat-fucking, non-explained birth control (established relationship)

Genre: Boyfriend!AU

Synopsis: After a terribly crappy birthday, your boyfriend (a highly sought-after massage therapist) decides to turn the night around.

A/N: Basically 5+K of pwp. This is horribly self-indulgent LOL sorry!

Word Count: 5,476

“Jimin,” you laugh, shaking your head. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Have to?” He arches a brow. “I want to.”

“You work all day,” you protest. “The last thing you should have to do when you get home is give another massage.”

“Again,” Jimin says, grin widening. “Who said anything about have to? I want to make you feel good, babe.”

Hiding a smile, you uncross your arms from your chest. Your purse dangles from your wrist, heavy with the weight of both laptop and coffee. Today was what could only be described as a royal clusterfuck. The morning train was late, you stepped in a puddle while crossing the street, missed a large deadline and forgot your lunch at home. Oh, and it was your birthday.

When you texted Jimin all this around 2:30 PM from one of the stalls in the bathroom, he was instantly apologetic.

Jimin: I’m so sorry baby ☹ I saw your lunchbox in the fridge when I left – I should’ve texted you! [2:31 PM]

You laughed a little at this, leaning your head to the stall.

Y/N: In what universe could that ever have been your fault, babe? [2:31 PM]

Jimin: In your birthday universe! Nothing is ever your fault on your birthday [2:31 PM]

Y/N: ha. Tell that to my boss [2:31 PM]

Jimin: ☹ [2:31 PM]

Jimin: Just hang in there, ok? I have a surprise for you when you get home [2:31 PM]

Y/N: no, no, no. You don’t have to do that! I’m just venting [2:32 PM]

Jimin: gotta go, my next appointment is here. Just remember I love you, okay? See you soon, birthday girl [2:32 PM]

He did not respond after that, which was not surprising given his schedule. Jimin was many things, but in a professional capacity he was the most sought-after physical therapist masseuse in the city, specializing in sports medicine. Each day, his office was booked solid with appointments. Everyone on Yelp claimed he was doing God’s work and Jimin loved his job, but the popularity meant he worked long, often odd hours.

Which is why you drew the line at him practicing outside of work. Even on you – even for fun.

“No,” you insist, shaking your head. “Jimin, you massage people all day. I’d feel guilty if I made you do that when you got home.”

Lower lip protruding, Jimin begins to walk closer. He has already set up his massage table in the middle of the apartment, blinds drawn over the windows and lights dimmed like his workspace. Soothing music plays from the corner and he has even gone so far as to diffuse essential oils – orange and lemon waft under your nose. Orange, to decrease anxiety and lemon, to improve mood. Despite yourself, you smile. Jimin is always so thoughtful.

Coming to a stop before you, he stares. Jimin is dressed in a clean, white button-down and slacks – work clothes. “Are you really not going to let me help you relax?” he teases. “And on your birthday?”

Exhaling slow, you glance at the table. Despite all better judgement, you feel a slight pang of longing. It has been such a horrible day and you know Jimin is good at what he does. Due to your purse, your back is aching; your feet are sore from walking around all day – all you really want is for your boyfriend to massage the shit out of you.

“It’s only,” you say, gaze returning to his. “I feel bad.”

Jimin arches a brow. “Why?”

“Because.” You wave a hand at the table. “It’d be like if for your birthday, you asked me to do taxes.”

“But you do our taxes every year. And that’s not even on my birthday.”

“You get what I mean,” you respond, trying hard not to laugh. “I love spreadsheets and data, but that’s not what I want to do when I get home.”

“Okay, first off,” Jimin interrupts. “That’s a lie. You frequently make spreadsheets before our vacations and even went so far as to make a household chores list.”

“Well, that’s just good sense!”

“And second,” he continues, as though you have not spoken. “It’s not quite the same, is it?”

“What do you mean?” you say, watching him take a step closer. Jimin’s expression is decidedly less innocent than before.

“What I mean,” he exhales, taking your purse. “Is that I doubt spreadsheets spark the same interest for you as the idea of my girlfriend, naked on my massage table.”

“Jimin.” Dazedly, you watch him lower your purse to the floor. His hand intertwines with yours, pulling you forward. “That’s… you’re…”

He chuckles, stopping at the clean, white surface. “I just want you to relax, babe,” he says, dropping a kiss to your forehead. Jimin lingers for a moment before pulling away. “It’s been a crappy day, right? Let me make you feel better.”

Finally, you nod and shrug free from your coat. “Okay,” you agree, letting this fall. “Leave, then, and let me get undressed.”

Jimin arches a brow. “You do know I’ve seen you naked before, right?” he asks. “You do know I’m the one who had his mouth between your legs literally two nights ago?”

“Jimin!” you chide, face heating up. “This isn’t about that – this is strictly professional! How am I supposed to relax if I’m constantly thinking about your… you… well, that?”

Jimin chuckles, shaking his head as he walks down the hall. “Fine,” he says, disappearing into your bedroom. “Undress as much as you’re comfortable with and get under the sheets. I’ll be out in a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” you agree, beginning to strip from your clothes. The lie on the floor for a moment before, changing your mind, you begin to fold them in half.

“Are you folding your clothes?”

You freeze, mid-fold to glance at the bedroom. “Don’t peek!” you call out, squinting down the length of the hall.

“I’m not,” Jimin laughs. “I just know you.”

“Do not!” you yell back, grinning as you place your clothes on top of the counter.

Returning to the massage table, you cock your head to one side. It is massage protocol to strip down as much as you prefer. It means you could be naked under the sheet but honestly, you do not trust yourself, nor Jimin to remain professional if you do. So, leaving your black panties on, you shimmy beneath the covers.

At the last moment, you unhook your bra to fling across the room. There is a thin line between propriety and missing the entire point of the massage, after all.

A few minutes later, Jimin calls out, “Can I come back now?”

“Yes,” you respond, head buried in the hole of the table.

Footsteps reach your ears, padding down the length of the hall. Jimin’s bare feet stop before you, wriggling his toes and making you giggle. You listen to the sound of him moisturizing his hands and inhale, eyelids fluttering when you smell eucalyptus.

“Are you ready?” he asks, voice dropping an octave.

You nod, stilling when Jimin pulls your hair to one side. Delicately, he tugs the sheet from your shoulders, lowering this until it pools around your waist. Shutting your eyes at the chill, you fight back a shiver when Jimin’s hands touch your back.

“Inhale,” he demands, quiet.

You do.

“Now, exhale.”

Obeying, you try not to move.

“Good,” Jimin says, sounding pleased.

There is a smirk to his voice, and you would tell him off, but his hands are already moving. He starts off gently, applying light pressure to each part of your back. Jimin makes his way down your body, giving each muscle group attention before returning to your head.

There is another pump of something, and his hands return to your body, now slick with oil. You inhale sharply, but Jimin does not respond. Thumbs finding the grooves in your back, he slowly traces up and back down. Palms seeking your skin, he gently rubs oil into your body. Each time he nears your lower back, he remains strictly professional. It is as though there are giant, red lines marking the no-go spots on your skin. Very Fifty Shades of him.

The moment you think this, you stifle a laugh. Jimin would think this funny but before you can tell him, his hands return to your shoulders. Increasing the pressure, he begins to knead the sore muscle.

“Is the pressure good?” he asks, business-like.

Nodding into the terrycloth, you realize he cannot see. “Yes,” you say, exhaling. “It’s perfect.”

Jimin laughs quietly. “Harder?”

His voice is teasing and you stiffen. “Jimin…” you mutter, a warning.

He truly laughs now, somewhat abashed. “Okay, okay. I promise that, from now on, I’ll be on my best behavior. This is just about you – fuck,” Jimin huffs, lowering his forearm to your back. “Do you sit hunched at your computer every day, Y/N?”

“I work in an office!” you complain, whining into the table.

Making a noise of dismissal, Jimin steadily works on the muscle. You wince, feeling him find several knots. “You should do exercises,” he says, grumbling to himself. “Every few hours, look up at the ceiling and then down at the floor. Roll your shoulders a bit. It will do wonders, I promise.”

“Noted,” you say, exhaling deeply.

Jimin chuckles. “Sorry, baby.” Leaning down, he presses a kiss to your neck. His hands continue their work. “I just want you to be healthy. To feel good.”

“Mm, I feel pretty good right now,” you say, closing your eyes.

Jimin laughs, falling silent when he begins to ease over your shoulders. His fingers expertly knead muscle, wiping the tension bit by bit from your body. God – now, you understand why Jimin is so in demand as a masseuse. He knows just what to do which has you melting into the table.

Gently, Jimin takes your arm to stretch the ligaments. His hands smooths down your bicep, easing the stress of that one workout this week. When he flips your hand in his, you audibly sigh. Jimin’s touch stays gentle, stretching your fingertips back one by one. With the pads of his thumbs, he begins to massage your palm.

A groan escapes.

Jimin pauses. “Baby,” he murmurs. “You can’t make those noises on my table.”

“Why not?” you mumble into the sheets.

“Because you make the same noises with my cock down your throat.”

“Jimin!”

He laughs, easing his hands up your shoulders. “Shh.” Jimin presses another kiss to your neck. “See – that’s why you can’t make those noises. I’m trying to be a professional.”

“Do you kiss all your patients’ necks?”

Kissing you again, Jimin pulls back. “No. Now, stay quiet and let me make you less tense.”

You snort, nearly missing the sound of oil hitting the table. When Jimin’s hands return to your back, he glides smoothly down the panes of your body. Inhaling slowly, you exhale and try to focus on the sensation. This is not Jimin, you tell yourself. This is just a nice massage by a stranger; not by your devastatingly handsome boyfriend who is good with his hands.

This helps for a bit, until Jimin’s hands find your lower back. “Can I remove the sheet?” he asks, softer than before.

After a brief pause, you nod. “Y-yeah.”

Ignoring your stammer, Jimin simply removes the sheet and drapes this over a chair. “Is the temperature alright?” Jimin asks. The massage oil bottle is lifted again.

“It’s good.”

“Good,” Jimin responds, hands finding your legs. He goes lower, traveling from your upper thighs to calves and oiling your skin. Eyes closed, you savor the feeling of his well-practiced fingers.

Jimin huffs, breaking the silence. “Baby. Are you doing those stretches I taught you after you run?”

Your eyes snap open. “Jimin,” you half-laugh. When you try to turn and face him, he presses a hand on your back. “I thought this was supposed to relax me?”

“It is!” he insists, although you can hear the grin in his voice. “Your calves are just tight – that has to be painful!”

“Huh.” You snuggle lower on the table. “Maybe if you massaged them every night, they’d feel better.”

Chuckling, Jimin’s thumbs slide up the back of your legs. “Someone’s greedy.”

“You’re just… really good at this.”

“You think?” Jimin’s breath hitches when he reaches your thighs. He hesitates for a moment, fingers close to your panties. “Would you like me to continue?” he asks, almost pleasant. “To the gluteus region?”

“... you want to massage my butt.”

“The gluteus region,” Jimin repeats, dragging both hands down your thighs. “I want to help you relax and right now, your gluteus region is tense.”

“Probably because you’re staring at it.”

“I mean, it’s a nice butt.”

“Professionalism!” you scold, grinning into the sheet.

Jimin’s hands hover at your panties. “Well?”

You consider for a moment. “Do your worst.”

Jimin chuckles, hands sliding to either side of your ass. “Breathe in deeply,” he instructs, waiting until you obey. “Now, exhale.”

You follow.

Jimin begins in a professional manner, working mainly the outer muscles. Using elbow and forearm, he massages until you begin to relax. Sinking further into the table, you begin to forget this is Jimin at all. It has been such a long day and his hands feel so good, wiping pain from your body.

Except.

As Jimin begins to knead lower, his thumbs slip briefly beneath the lace of your panties. You still on the table, eyes opening to stare at the floor. Jimin pauses, unmoving before he does it again. Both his thumbs trace the groove where your ass meets your thigh and you stiffen a moment, before pushing your ass into his hands.

Jimin swears under his breath.

This is all the warning you have before he grips the sides of your underwear. Tugging roughly upwards, he exposes your ass on the table. You gasp, panties twisting in the wetness of your folds. You should say something. You should scold Jimin about the professional nature of this massage but instead, you decide – fuck it.

Arching a little, you press your legs tightly together.

Jimin inhales, hands still on your ass. His thumb traces your panties, teasing the skin just beneath the material. Each time he does this, he trails closer and closer to your sex. His fingers do not falter, though; not once does he move to give you what you crave.

The fabric of your underwear is tight on your sex, rubbing in a way which feels wholly indecent. Your panties are sticky, damp with arousal and it is not just the oil which has you dripping. Each tantalizing trace of his fingers makes you whimper but still, Jimin does nothing.

As soon as you think this, he grasps your ass firmly to spread your cheeks apart on the table.

“Fuck,” you hiss, arching against him.

Unable to take anymore, you lift your head to see him. Jimin stares back, neediness in his gaze. “Can I?” he pleads, hands still on your ass. “Please, baby… let me make you feel good. Like this.”

Unable to think of a coherent response, you nod.

Determination enters his gaze and, before you can move, he cups your heat with one hand. Still looking at you, Jimin’s middle finger drags up the length of your sex. He strokes over you slowly, pushing your underwear aside and into the mess of your slick. Shuddering, you cross both arms on the table to bury your head in your hands.

Arching upwards, you hear Jimin chuckle. “These,” he murmurs, gripping your panties. “They need to go.”

You do not protest, lifting your hips to aid him in slipping them off your legs. When you are finally naked on the table, Jimin walks to your front. Lifting your head, you meet his gaze once again.

“What do you want, baby?” he asks, soft.

“Take off your shirt,” you demand.

He nods. Grasping the hem, Jimin lifts this overhead to drop on the floor. Once he is shirtless, Jimin reaches out for a different bottle of oil.

Seeing the label, your jaw drops. “Hey!” you cry, reading erotic massage on the label. “You lied! You said this was strictly professional!”

Jimin smirks. “It is,” he agrees, repositioning himself at your ass. “Or, it was. Until you started making those noises.”

“You had that bottle on the table.”

“Preparing myself,” he explains, drizzling oil over your body, “for the inevitable.”

When his hands begin to slip up your ass, you groan. “I – oh, fine. Whatever.”

Jimin chuckles, cupping your cheeks with both hands. “Whatever?” he teases, finger slipping lower. “Is that you saying you want more?”

Giving in, you nod against the table. Already, you feel so on edge – the oil between your legs is driving you crazy. Leaning forward, Jimin brushes a kiss to your spine while his hand slips further forward. Cupping your pussy, the tips of his fingers brush over your clit. When he feels your body tense at the motion, Jimin inhales and repeats.

Rubbing slow circles, he slides his thumb into your cunt. You gasp, jerking forwards and Jimin squeezes your ass. “Bad,” he teases, breathless. “Stay still. It’ll feel deeper that way.”

Though you whimper, you nod and press your thighs tighter together. Jimin continues to stroke your sex, getting you swollen and messy against the sheet. His thumb rests inside you, unmoving despite the way your walls squeeze around him. Gently kissing your spine, Jimin’s chest finds your thigh while you squirm on the table.

“More?” he whispers.

Fervently, you nod. “Feels so good, Jimin. Please.”

His smile widens against your skin. If there is one thing your boyfriend loves, it is praise. As he withdraws, you whimper and push your ass backwards. You must seem needy, naked and rutting against him, but you know Jimin likes it. He likes watching you fuck yourself for his attention.

Spreading your thighs slowly, Jimin drizzles more oil between your legs. He stares at you for a moment, watching the beads drip down to your sex. Whimpering, your hands clench around nothing because you do not dare move, yet the feeling is torture. The oil mixes into your slick, pooling beneath you on the sheet of the table – you groan.

Jimin’s fingers scissor your folds, sliding up and down the length of your sex. His thumb slips over your asshole, wet with oil and arousal. “Is this what you want?” he teases, pushing against the hole.

You whimper, stretching to accommodate the little he moves. Jimin rests for a moment, letting you adjust to the feeling. His thumb is slick – so is your body and, after a few seconds, a raw sort of pleasure begins to spread through your limbs.

“Oh,” you groan, going limp on the table. “Jimin.”

Withdrawing, Jimin wipes his hand on the sheet. “Not yet,” he says, sliding a different finger into your cunt.

“Shit,” you swear, buckling. “Yes. There!”

Chuckling lightly, Jimin adds a second finger. “There?” he teases, spreading the digits.

You groan, feeling him slowly scissor your walls. Jimin starts to slide in and out, fucking you with his fingers. “That’s it, baby,” he murmurs. “You’re doing so well. Can you take more?”

“Mhm,” you agree, turning your head on the sheet. “Harder, Jimin.”

Gaze darkening, Jimin nods and roughly, he shoves a third finger inside you. You groan, feeling stuffed from the motion until he snaps his wrist forward, fucking you hard. Loud, wet squelches fill the apartment as you are thrust crudely forward, nipples brushing the sheet.

Still, Jimin does not relent. Grasping your ass with one hand, he begins to move harder. You cannot help but wish his fingers were his cock, spreading you wider. When you glance over, you see Jimin has a raging hard-on beneath his slacks and know this will not be the end of tonight.

Not with how he bites down on his lip, staring at your pussy like a man on the brink. When he snaps his wrist forward, a fresh wave of arousal soaks the sheet beneath you. Moaning his name, your toes curl on the table. Tantalizingly slow, Jimin slides his thumb into your ass.

Hands twisting in the sheet, your orgasm slams into you with a gasp. For a moment you see stars, clenching around him as you choke on his name. Everything feels fuzzy, muted as you come back to reality.

Gently, Jimin presses a kiss to the your spine. His thumb slips from your ass, fingers withdrawing as you relax on the table. Exhaling deeply, you struggle to open your eyes. Every part of you tingles, aflame and you cannot help but want more.

Jimin slides a hand up your folds. “What’s this?” he murmurs, seeing how wet you still are. Although you shudder at the sensitivity, you do not push him away. “Do you want more, baby?”

“Yes,” you breathe.

Walking to the front of the table, Jimin comes to a stop. His cock rests at eye-level, making your mouth water.

Gently, he grasps your chin in one hand. “Are you sure?”

Turning your head, you lick the side of his finger. Jimin’s lips part, watching you lap at your arousal.

“Oh,” he murmurs, lowering himself to eye-level. “You are greedy, aren’t you? That’s good.” Lightly, he kisses your lips. “Whatever you want, tonight.”

You whimper when he pulls away, your chin still held firm in his grasp. Jimin stills and holds your mouth before his zipper. His bulge is now obvious, straining the seams of his pants.

“Wanna suck your cock,” you pout, glancing from beneath your lashes.

Without further ado, Jimin undoes his belt. Pulling this from his pants, he drops this on the floor and yanks down his zipper. His black boxer-briefs are barely able to hide the hard cock underneath. Still grasping your chin, Jimin lewdly grabs his package.

“Are you sure you can handle it?” he demands, not looking away. “Sure you want me to fuck your throat?”

“Want it, Jimin. I want you.”

Inhaling softly, the tip of his tongue touches the corner of his mouth. Without further ado, Jimin tugs his briefs below his ass. You cannot help but moan when his cock springs free from the fabric. He’s just so pretty and hard – thick, needy and wanting to get sucked.

Obediently, you open your mouth. Jimin fails to waste time, shuffling forward to place his tip between your lips. Lowering his cock to your tongue, he watches you lick the head. Moving forward, you seek more – until finally, Jimin releases your chin and grasps your hair.

He thrusts forward, pushing his cock past your lips. As you swirl your tongue, you taste his whole member. Acting on instinct, JImin wraps your hair tighter and you fight back a moan. As he withdraws, Jimin allows you to see his cock wet with saliva.

After another long pause, Jimin thrusts inside. Your mouth takes him easily, sucking hard on whatever he puts past your lips. Teasing, you hollow your cheeks and stare at him from the table. Jimin’s gaze hardens, hair falling forward to begin fucking your mouth. His hips move slow at first, increasing in speed when you moan around his cock.

“So good, baby,” he pants. “So fucking good like that. You look so damn good when you gag on my dick.”

As though to prove his point, Jimin thrusts even deeper. You choke when he hits the back of your throat, eyes watering sharply as Jimin smiles. Gently, he reaches down to wipe your eyes.

“So pretty,” he murmurs as he withdraws. “Think I wanna fuck you for real now, though.”

You nod, overeager and Jimin chuckles. He walks to the side of the table, gently helping you turn over.

“Can you walk?” Jimin looks at you critically. His thumb traces a gentle path up your throat. “Or do you need me to carry you?”

As tempting as the offer sounds, you shake your head. Every part of you feels beautifully pliant; ready and willing to let Jimin have his way with you. You can make it as far as the bed.

“Yeah?” he asks, careful.

When you nod a second time, Jimin gives in and helps you down from the table.

Grasping his arms, you sway for a moment. “Oh!” you gasp, core clenching around nothing.

The inside of your thighs are slippery from coming and seeing him like this, cock red and aching, makes your core throb.

“Careful.” Jimin hides a smile. “Can’t have you falling apart on me yet, Y/N.”

Turning around, his fingers intertwine with yours to tug you down the hall. As soon as you enter the bedroom, Jimin turns around to seize your mouth in a kiss.

“Mm,” he exhales, mouth opening yours.

Hands skimming your body, he moves even lower to cup your ass. Pulling you against him, Jimin’s bare cock pushes between your thighs. Slowly rutting forward, his tongue moves past your lips in a similar similar motion. Reaching even lower, Jimin grabs himself in one hand.

Breaking apart, he glances down to move his tip to your clit. This makes you whimper, still overly sensitive, but Jimin lingers only a moment. Pushing past your clit, he slides between your legs. Your thighs are still slippery with oil and cum, allowing Jimin’s cock to glide smoothly forward.

“Oh,” you exhale, eyes wide.

Gaze darkening, Jimin does this again. His cock slips between your folds, rubbing each inch of your sex before he withdraws. Feeling him this way feels oddly intimate – even more so when he re-grips your ass with both hands.

“Tell me when to stop,” Jimin grunts.

Without further warning, he plunges between you. Grasping his arms, your head spins a little when he starts to move faster. Holding tight to your ass, Jimin fucks between your legs. His length is dripping each time he pulls back, soaked thoroughly in your needy arousal.

“God.” Jimin pulls out. “Now,” he begs, gaze snapping to yours. “I have to fuck you now, Y/N. I need it.”

“I,” you exhale. “Yes. Where?”

“This is your day, baby,” he murmurs, bending to kiss your neck. “How do you want me to fuck you?”

“Against the wall,” you groan, head lolling back. “There.”

Pulling away, Jimin grasps your hand and tugs forward. When you reach the aforementioned wall, he turns you around and presses your palms to the wallpaper. Stopping behind you, Jimin’s hand slips between your legs.

“Ah,” he inhales, as his lips find your neck. Two of his fingers stretch your now-dripping walls. “Such a tight, wet pussy for me. How badly do you want my cock, baby?”

“Bad,” you gasp. “So bad. I need you inside me.”

Grasping his cock, Jimin teases his length up and down your wet folds. “Do you think you deserve it?”

“Jimin,” you pant, pushing your hips backwards. “Please.”

“Look who’s needy,” he says, sounding smug. Jimin places his tip at your opening. “But since you said please.”

Before you can respond, he thrusts inside you. Moaning out loud, your knees buckle at the suddenly too-full feeling. Jimin is there in an instant, one arm wrapped around your waist while the other interlaces with your hand on the wall. Hips pressed snug to your ass, he keeps you hostage against him.

Chuckling softly, Jimin kisses your cheek. “That’s it, baby,” he says, withdrawing slowly to thrust back in.

You gasp, breasts hitting the wall as his length jars you forward. His hips do not falter. Already, you have come once from his teasing – Jimin knows that for a second orgasm, you need his cock hard and rough. The deeper, the better.

“Fuck,” Jimin grunts, pulling you back on his length. “You’re squeezing me so tight, babe. How did I get so lucky? Such a tight, wet cunt – all for me.”

“I’m. The. Lucky. One,” you gasp, in time with his thrusts.

You are barely hanging on while he continues to fuck you. Jimin’s hips are relentless, hammering into you as you begin to see stars. Legs shaking, you fight to stay upright through the pleasure he gives you.

“That’s it,” Jimin breathes, tightly gripping your waist. “Stay with me, baby.”

Reaching backwards, you manage to grab hold of his ass. “Harder, Jimin,” you beg. “Tear me open – I want it, God, I want it.”

“Yeah?” he grunts, pushing you against the wall.

Playing with your nipple in one hand, his cock somehow gets even deeper. Now, you are whimpering, begging him to keep going because you are so fucking close. Luckily, he knows exactly what you need.

“Is that what you want?” Raising a palm, he roughly slaps your ass. “Want to be sore tomorrow, is that it? Want to feel my dick deep inside you? Wince every time you sit down? I want everyone in your office to see you walking around and know I fucked you so good. That I came so deep inside you, your panties are still wet.”

“Yes!” Reaching between your legs, you rub over yourself. “Fuck, Jimin,” you moan. “Keep going.”

Spanking you harder, he makes you cry out in pleasure.

“That’s it, baby,” Jimin croons. “Touch yourself like that. I’ve got you – I’ll make you come, don’t worry. That’s my good girl,” he breathes, hips slamming against your ass. “That’s my sweet, little princess. My filthy cock-slut. Sound so sweet when you come on my cock.”

With a final thrust, he pushes you over the edge. As you cry out his name, you slump on the wall as your right hand goes limp. Jimin continues to hold on, fucking you harder through the most intense orgasm of your life. A few thrusts later, he comes inside you. Hot ropes of cum coat your walls, making you moan and lower your head to the wall.

Jimin stays there for a moment, cock softening inside you. At last, he exhales and gently kisses your neck. “Shit,” he chuckles, withdrawing. One of his hands cups your center. “I probably should’ve made sure there was a tissue in reach before I started fucking you, yeah?”

“Jimin,” you groan, still smushed between him and the wall. “I can’t stand for much longer.”

“Oh, right,” Jimin says. “Hold that,” he demands, letting your hand replace his. “I’ll be right back with a towel.”

“Hurry!” you whine.

Jimin disappears into the bathroom, lights flicking on before, a few seconds later, he reemerges with a damp towel. “Here,” he chuckles, cleaning you off. Once finished, he raises a brow. “Now, do you need that lift to the bed?”

Silently, you hold out your arms. Jimin laughs, tossing the cloth on the ground.

“Jimin!” you protest. Before you can say more, he bends and lifts you over his shoulder. “Jimin!” you squeal, laughing when he starts to carry you.

Spanking your ass again, he immediately rubs the sore spot. “Sorry,” Jimin grins, setting you down on the bed. “I probably left a mark.”

“I don’t care.” Sighing happily, you stretch out like a cat. “That was the best gift ever.”

Smiling, Jimin jogs to grab the towel and toss this into a hamper. When he returns, Jimin takes a running start to land on the bed. He collapses beside you, rolling over to cage you within his arms.

“Sorry we didn’t finish the massage,” Jimin whispers, blinking adorably.

You smile, carding both hands through his hair. “It’s okay,” you say, thumbs rubbing his cheeks. Jimin’s naked body is warm, flushed against yours. “I definitely feel less tense now.”

“Oh, yeah?” he murmurs, pressing his lips to yours.

“Mhm,” you agree, smiling into his kiss. “Ten out of ten, in terms of effectiveness.”

“Ten out of ten, you said?” Jimin’s smile widens. “I hope you intend to prove that theory.”

“Of course,” you nod, lowering your head to his chest. “As soon as I take a quick nap.”

Jimin chuckles, smoothing hair back from your face. “I love you,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“Love you, too.”

cross-posted to Wattpad here

#btsbookclub #smutcentralnet #bangtanarmynet #jimin smut #bts smut #jimin fanfic #bts fanfic #jimin au #bts au #jimin writing #bts writing #jimin masseuse #bts masseuse

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rpbetter · 3 years ago

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I genuinely don’t think the problem is as deep as people are seeing it as, with that whole resource blog and vent blog drama. I was there when it began, and it started because someone sent a submission that was recognizable enough to trace to that resource blog, who ended up calling themself out, and then a bunch of people dogpiling them, and then it turned into the 2021 edition of good old tumblr wank, mocking sockpuppets included. I essentially watched a bunch of 30 year olds call each other doodooheads like a couple kids on the playground, but at least kids forgive and forget after a day or two.

That’s probably why they’re avoiding this situation like the plague. The first time a submission went through about that resource blog, it made people feud like the Montagues and Capulets. Obviously they don’t wanna risk fueling that type of drama again. If it’s true that they aren’t letting these submissions through and it isn’t tied to reasons like tumblr eating the ask, then it’s probably because they don’t wanna be involved in this drama anymore. And I don’t blame them, because honestly, even as an observer I’m tired of seeing it, I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be for y’all who are actually involved. Geez. Who even has the energy for this much drama anyway? I’m tired just getting outta bed.

Sorry, Anon, I really had to!

Anyway, I'm sorry it took forever to get to your message, not only did I need a break from this, I needed to space out things related to it, it had taken over the blog. I appreciate that, despite how over it all you are, you were polite about how you feel. I know that is not always easy, and I do really appreciate it!

I hope that you don't feel I am being hostile to you about anything I say, it isn't meant that way. Differences of opinion, when not expressed hatefully, are always welcome here. I'm just going to try to express some of this situation from another perspective, and full disclosure, I'm pretty pissed off about it whether or not I actively want to be. This did impact my hobby, it did hurt people I care about, and I cannot believe such an unnecessary act lead to shit that is still going on.

On the first point...most things aren't as deep as we're given to feel they are after we've been made to feel incredibly unsafe, targeted, repeatedly let down and lied to, and experienced an astronomical level of sketchy behavior out of muns in a position that one is supposed to have some minor level of responsibility (as well as decent comportment) within. So, maybe it isn't that deep, but at this point, I very much cannot blame people for their concerns and suspicions.

And it was incredibly sketchy. CoaR, I'm just going to say it, everyone knows of which blog we're speaking at this point, did all of the following, breaking their own rules for moderation repeatedly:

allowed an actual, openly stated, callout blog to interact with their posts

allowed a meme blog to use their posts for the point of off-blog drama mongering, callouts, and outing themselves

would not moderate this situation as stated in their rules, when they've a bit of nasty record in the not too distant past of mass-blocking for far less and far more questionable reasons

did bother to post about how they weren't getting involved, as though this did not break multiple rules and absolutely is one's problem if it is your vent blog someone is using to create and foster bullying - simply giving the bizarre statement that blocking won't help anyone, when that isn't the point at all lol the point is being intolerant of people using your blog, that has to operate on a basis of being as safe a place as possible for venting (which is drama), this is about a stance and blog security, not being anyone's parent

just as weirdly vaguely threatening everyone first with all the mods "watching," because that's not actually implying an Orwellian parental role no one asked for, then with Sky once again misunderstanding the difference between being a " disciplinarian" and an ass

consistent lack of transparency on all counts

and then, yeah, there is the choice of publishing submissions/rebuttals combined with all of this and those submissions/rebuttals being what they are - not all related to "the drama," or in violation of the rules either, but the apparent willingness to publish them from one side of "the drama" there for a bit

I cannot blame people for feeling like all of this combined is a legitimately sketchy situation. One in which they've already, again, been made to feel unsafe within because COAR was used as a list for callouts.

When people see someone like Raven getting wildly different treatment by not being so much as warned, they're going to feel suspicion about the mod(s). It makes it so much worse that they chose to make the statements they did instead of a transparent, reasonable one like, "We apologize that CoaR was used the way it was, we should have blocked the callouts blog right away, but didn't. To reiterate the rules we've had in place for years, this blog is never to be used for callouts or taking bullying off-blog. Due to how widespread the problem has become, we will not be publishing anything related to it any longer. Submissions will be deleted so we can begin putting this behind us."

Acknowledge fault, apologize for it, say what you're doing to mitigate it now. That's it. Don't actively make it worse!

About the submissions...I know I'm alone in having tested that out. It isn't limited to things that either break the rules or are related to the issue. It's very select topics that are a bit uncomfortably aligned with the bias displayed, and from very select blogs. That's a problem. It's not selectively publishing based on drama-avoidance or rules, what CoaR has always done and no one here is taking an issue with.

I have 0 interest in things like trackers, they're far too easy/tempting to use maliciously for most people, and at the very best, they foster an environment of paranoia. What I know about them comes from really minimal personal experience (I wanted to see what posts people were most interested in on another blog, but it felt creepy with the amount of information I had, so I dropped that very fast) and what mutuals who use them have told me/questions they've answered.

So, is it possible the mod(s) is selectively deleting submissions from blogs they feel are a problem? Yes, it is totally possible. Do I know that for a fact? No, I totally do not. My point is that this is exactly the sort of paranoia that takes off when too many suspicious things happen back to back. You begin seeking the answers you are not getting, and you're seeking them because every day for a month or two, your experience logging in has been one of what the fresh hell. It's a need to insulate yourself from further exposure to harassment.

It's a very simple formula: act sketchy, people look at you like you're sketchy.

And I'm not going to condemn anyone for that.

I will also say that, unless several people deleted their comments or have me blocked in multiple places they somehow know of and take issue with, I did not see what you are describing when I read over the total explosion that happened...what, like a month, two months ago at this point? It was very fresh at the time.

What I saw was someone having submitted about a meme blog screenshotting their mutual's rules. Raven going off about it in a reblog. Two commentators trying to discuss the issue and finally, just saying they weren't surprised what meme blog it was once Raven outted themselves like a fully hinged individual interested in following CoaR's rules.

One of those s commentators is a friend, the mun whose rules were in the posts is a friend. I've never been anything but transparent about that. I'm also familiar with some of the other parties who ended up going on hiatus, but only from discussions on the vent blog over the years. So, yes, I do have personal investment here, and I do not feel like any of those people telling Raven and the callout blog they were at least involved with that their behavior was bullshit can be equated to immature shit slinging. There were even two muns who repeatedly tried to have a civil conversation with Raven, specifically, and for their efforts, got some of the most wildly juvenile treatment.

The worst things I saw came from hate anons and the callout blog.

The people receiving that treatment were largely driven off tumblr. For a time, forever, it differs with all of them. So, I feel like saying that about the thirty-year-olds thing is a little off. I'm not trying to be shitty, Anon, but the muns who tried to address Raven's bullshit were all of that age range. They're definitely continuing the drama, they're not here. They can't feel comfortable enough to be on their own blogs still.

I also am required ethically to say that we all really need to stop with throwing around ages like this. Again, I'm not trying to be hostile to you, Anon. I've been trying to show other people's perspective in this (it doesn't matter if you agree or not, I just think it's important to understanding, stopping, and prevent problems to have a fuller perspective that we often lack because we are incredibly tired of whatever is going on, and you're right, we are all really damn tired and also Tired), and as it is an advice blog, I try to address problems here. The pervasive ageism in the tumblr RPC is a problem.

It's a problem that gets discussed when it involves adults not wanting to interact with minors and, as I've seen it put several times, "treating them like the plague." There are a billion "conversations" and complaints about that, but there aren't many at all when it comes to the RPC's bizarre ideas about what age constitutes an adult (you're an actual child until around 23, you're ancient and need to die already, you pedo, at 26) and what being an adult actually is.

You do not turn thirty and lose your hobbies. You also do not turn thirty and become an ultra-mature adult, no leveling up into arcane Adult Knowledge and Behavior unlocks when you wake up on your thirtieth birthday. Between the ages of 17 and 27, you go through so many rapid changes in your cognition, but it levels off considerably after that. You're largely the same person at 32 as you were at 27, and you cannot say that about being...17 and 20, 22 and 25. It begins to take longer to see changes in who you are, those changes are less extreme - your personality, preferences, and viewpoints remain largely the same, they just refine a little here and there.

There is no line at which people "should" stop engaging in any hobby, and it's incredibly gross that the RPC seems to think anyone out of college-age should have no interests, let alone passionate ones, outside of going to work, having a family, and paying bills. That's a bit horrifyingly 1950's isn't it? It's also really misogynistic, considering that the primary base of the RPC is female or afab. When you deal in this, you're literally telling thirty-year-old people with uteruses that they should have no interests outside of birthing children and caring for them.

This isn't what you were doing, Anon, but it's part of the tumorous growth of this ideology that we casually throw around things like "a bunch of 30-year-olds" to make a point. We've seriously got to stop doing that, it isn't a message that most of us would agree with. There are other ways of saying "I think these people should behave more maturely since they're adults."

If I said something like, "well, they were just in their mid-twenties lol what do you expect?" I'd get hate anons, pants would be shat in, and more importantly, it would be wrong. That needs to work both ways, this isn't a separate issue.

An issue that repeatedly comes down to the absurdity of finding differences and drawing lines into cages around people in an environment in which we have the freedom to be more equal than in offline reality. We're all just people here, all just writing and interacting and loving characters. That's all we need to be, and all we need to be judged on is our behavior.

I'm sorry that anyone behaved in a grossly inappropriate manner during any and all of this. It was a heated thing that came to involve too many people and too much harassment, and those are factors that will always see people behaving in ways they would not normally engage in.

And like I said, you don't become some wise master of maturity at thirty! There is a problem mun I'm currently dealing with on another blog that is my age who is one of the most immature people I have ever run into. I have mutuals and friends in the early to mid-twenties who I'm confident weren't as childish as this mun when they were literal children. So, do people thirty and over behave in a seriously unbecoming, childish as hell manner? Yes, they so do! Whether it should be this way or not, you can't expect everyone to be at the same maturity level psychologically at any given age. To me, that just says that I shouldn't age-type people negatively. It isn't relevant where their behavior is.

Otherwise, I'm holding people at some nebulous age over thirty to higher expectations than other equally adult-range people. It isn't acceptable for anyone to behave in the ways I witnessed and was subjected to. It's not even acceptable in teenagers, it's just more understandable (not excusable) because they're working with many things they quite literally cannot control at all times. To act this way is telling everyone below thirty that they're just immature, irresponsible, dicks. It's insulting to them to be labeled in this way, too, even if too many of them see it as a free pass and are, thus, okay with it right now. They won't be, eventually.

Anyway, again, I'm not trying to be shitty to you! I don't think you meant anything in your message in a nasty way, and I cannot say how much I appreciate that after the bullshit brought to this blog and that I've been dealing with privately to help some of those affected feel like the RPC is a place they're safe and welcome in again.

I am definitely tired! Everyone else involved is as well. At least, on what I have to term as "this side" of the equation. I cannot speak to the other side, obviously, but I think they got tired enough of it not being tolerated to be quiet at least. When you make it unfun for people like that, that's usually what happens, after all.

So, I don't think it's them trying to continue the drama. Most of the people I know have remained in their corners happily or been obliged to leave for a while. As for the other people with suspicions...like I said, there are a lot more factors going on here than wanting to perpetuate drama. Sometimes, when we try to make ourselves feel safe, vindicated/vindicate a friend, there isn't any other option but to have the topic come up or breed into suspicions, correct or incorrect ones.

It's a situation that CoaR had a great deal of culpability in, and as such, had a lot of power to mitigate this well before it got to suspicions of who was modding the blog. That wasn't done, and won't be. Like Raven's antics, I have to feel like they've brought some of this on themselves. I do not and will not condone any hate messages sent their way, but again, right or wrong, people do have a right to feel the way they are.

If I were you, I'd stay as far away from it as possible. I don't go on CoaR unless I have to in order to answer something. I had a single blog blocked over here until this all went down (hilariously, it happened to be one that was involved, too, sometimes the red flags are legit, folks), now I have a sadly large number of them. It's now added to liberally, and I hate to do that, I like this blog to be open even to people who disagree with me. I can't deal with the constant drama, though, and I'm not going to be in a new callout every month until I die. Outside of being true to my word about accepting any and all vent messages, I don't want to see it, I don't want to be involved with it. I tag the posts so that followers can filter it, but I'm not going to function as a semi-callout blog by telling people who they should avoid. Just that they should avoid anyone who is making them feel this tired and done. Myself included.

I hope things have settled down in your corner of the RPC since you sent this! They have over here, thankfully. I think most people are staying away from the vent blog and hoping a new and better one comes along. It's back to the usual drama of "stop calling muns pedos for aging up characters."

#answered #anonymous #drama cw #misogyny cw #ageism cw #coar drama cw #I think that's all of them...#tumblr rpc

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throwing-summers-at-the-walls · 4 years ago

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Hello half valid anon here (i like my nickname 😂). I got through all your fics and they were all great. Right now im just reading a lot of poi fanfics and watch fanvids cause i can't accept that the series is over 😂 --- i know what you mean about fics affecting you negatively. I had this with 13rw (the Show and some fics) everything was so dark and hopeless that i had to stop watching it. I also love to seek out fics where someone is hurt so i can feel my pain through the characters (1)

But i try to read only fics with lots of comfort so it kinda feels like i get comforted as well (dont know if that makes sense). If it makes you uncomfortable or if its unhealthy for you to write about this i completely understand and i dont mean to come of as pushing you to write. I just hope whatever you do will be the right decision for you! As for you feeling suicidal im sorry to hear that. Let me know if there is ever anything i can do to help! I wish i could say sth more comforting but Im not super good with words :( i just hope you have people in your life that support you! 💛

maybe root will grow on you too? Or maybe you can skip her scenes and enjoy John, Harold and most importanly Bear! 😂 Yeah Shaw definately looks really good. She is a bit like Reese minus the caring. At first it seems she doesnt care about anything at all but thats not exactly the Case. There was an episode with Shaw and a little girl (3x5) and i really loved it (have you seen that one?).

I really think Shaw would grow on you (especially since in the beginning she does a lot with John) but then again a lot of her later scenes include Root so im not sure. Yes i love that there were never any romantic undertones with her and John!!

yeah the core four were great. I was so sad when Carter died! :(

i guess everyone sees chemistry different, i think Shoot and Rinch post have great chemistry ☺️

as for John being good with people: YES!! he is always so compassionate and such a great listener as well. I especially like him with children. John and the baby were so cute or John with the boy who offered to pay for him. John + Kids was always a great combination and i wished we would have seen it more often. Also regarding children we did we never got to see a John Taylor scene after Carters death? I needed that!

yes John the badass is also amazing! His character has so many different sides and i love him so much!!

i think Grace Harold was really cute but i dont really see a future for them, i mean he lied to her for so long! but then again they really loved each other so idk maybe they work it out. Im also not into John/Harold/Grace but like you said good for the people who like the ship :)

John and Zoe were great! i wish Zoe would have appeared more often!

I have so many things to say about John and the boring therapist but i think i better not say them :D i wish i could just erase their relationship from my mind!

of course he didnt die! i didnt see a dead body so i refuse to believe he is dead! i also just wanted them to be happy. what kind of an ending is it to let the main character die? i refuse to accept this! -- thank you for the rec i will check it out :) while i do like fluff i mostly read h/c (with the focus on the comfort) cause i just want John to get his much needed comfort :D -- i have no idea where season 1 is supposed to be boring. but idc the people can live with their wrong opinions :D

(today: tumblr user nourann3 discovers the option to indent text after almost 5 years on tumblr...)

Hiii !! It is a very valid nickname 😂 That's nice !! Hmu if you want more recs ! Lol same honestly, I can't believe it's been 4 years since the show ended ! I can give you a link to my poi/Rinch fanvids playlist if you're interested 👀

Oh boi 13rw is so cursed, can't believe I watched all of the 1st season 😬 I remember being afraid of the suicide scene making me uncomfortable but it was so cringe, unrealistic and just bad that I wasn't even that uncomfortable, I cringed when she cut her arms but that's it.

Yeah big mood I project a lot on comfort fics as well. For suicide fics, I think it also depends on how the fics adress the subject. It's something that is complicated to write. If I read a suicide fic with no recovery I'm gonna project but feel like shit. But with recovery, I can project into the recovery as well so it's better ! I read a really good ace attorney fic showing Miles recovering after a suicide attempt, it was thoughtful and didn't fall into the pitfalls of magical super fast recovery/love heals everything, and some lines stuck with me, it was really good and comforting. But yeah if it's just a suicide/suicide attempt then I don't think it's good for me (but sometimes I still read it bc I'm a Dumb Bitch).

Dw you didn't come off as pushing 💜 I'll see how I feel about continuing it or not. I have to figure out if writing about suicide is positive or negative for me 🤔 I mean I'm not portraying John's suicidal crisis as a positive thing, and he reaches out to Harold, and considers he might get better so I don't think it's bad for me ? Another problem is that I have a tendency to drop my wips to write a new shiny idea I get, and then I never finish anything gkgkffjfjf I dropped the suicide fic for the body horror fic which I dropped for the time loop fic, and there's also the hanahaki fic I started last year but I haven't touched in months, plus a bunch of random shit floating around OneDrive lmao someone stop me

What helps the most is venting, just getting that shit out is helping y'know. I appreciate your support ♥️ at least it's not as bad as it used to be

I doubt Root will grow on me, catch me watching her scenes at 1.5 speed lmao, also yes you bet I'll enjoy watching them !!

Yes I remember that ep ! Iirc the little girl tells Shaw she has feelings but the volume is lower than in other people or smth along those lines ?

I hope she'll grow on me bc she seems cool. I remember I was a bit afraid of her just becoming a sort of hollow copy of John, like "look we added another badass to the show". Seems to be more than that though ! Also I'm curious about their mayhem twins dynamic. But yeah if she has a lot of scenes with Root idk how much it'll annoy me

I feel like I wouldn't be able to get the Shoot chemistry bc I'm too biased against Root lol

Ikr the crossing hurt me so much. But thinking about it takes me back to my careese days and my first fics lol. I feel like the death of one of the core four + the abandonment of the library really alienated me from the show (did I already say that before ?). And here I'm gonna shamelessly derail from Carter to the library bc boiii do I have a lot of feelings about the library !! And you're here, talking about poi, so you're the perfect subject to throw these feelings at. This post really says what I feel about it (I'll put the link at the end as well if you wanna read it after you're done with this l o n g reply). It was in a way its own character and its forced abandonment/destruction really hit me (fucked me up when they broke that glass board). It says something that it's one of the few things I remember from S3 along with Carter's death and 4C. I loved it a lot, it was a cornerstone of the show. It was a safe place, a home for Harold and John (and Bear !). I love when they're together in there, I love this cracked glass board, this yellow stained glass in the windows !!! (at least I assume it's stained glass ?), these lights, Bear's cushion, the whole cozy/safe/isolated feelings, just absolutely everything. And yeah later they have the subway, idk when it's introduced I don't remember if it's early enough for me to have watched it. And maybe it's nice, I can't judge rn. But it's like trying to give me a new MC after a MCD, make him as nice as you want I'll be clutching the previous MC until I die. Gkfkfkff I went overboard and off topic but I just love the library ok

Ikr I love how he's badass but also gentle and understanding and nice to people ! I love him !!! Yeah wolf and cub is really good, also I love when John smiles to Darren at the end !! I use this moment as my pfp bc I love it so much. He's just so cute ! I wish he smiled more (did we ever hear him laugh in the entirety of the show ?). Baby blue is so great, Harold and him are such a married couple in this ep ! Yeah same more content with John and children would have been nice.

I never thought about how much we needed a John Taylor scene but yes !! We were robbed :((((

Speaking of John being a cool badass. Here's a badass John vid rec it's super good

youtube

Yeah they were cute in the past. I think it's good he went back to her bc it gives closure to both of them. But I don't see their relationship working again. She grieved, probably started to move on after all these years and knowing he lied all this time probably won't make her want to go back with him. I've never been in love so what do I know lol, but were I her I probably wouldn't want to go back with him and I'd just be happy knowing he's alive after all.

Same I need more Zoe (also she's hot)

Lmao let's just forget about that weird relationship shall we

Aren't we all the same, firmly believing he's alive and happy out there ! It was foreshadowed since the first ep and it made sense but do I care ? No, fuck that shit John is very much alive

You're welcome ! John needs all the comfort and the love !!! I think I have a preference for fluff bc he gets hurt enough in the show lol

Indeed they can, veryyy far away from us

Sry if this is shit I have like half a functioning braincell today

The post abt home bases I mentioned

#half valid anon #look you have your own tag #person of interest #tw suicide #i thought I was done but then i got feelings abt the library

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fireeaglespirit · 6 years ago

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@fireeaglespirit @viviane-lefay i do worry sometimes with the stories I write if things might be too much for you. To be fair I dont think in any fanfic Ive ever written anything too explicit but now Im so conscious of other people’s viewpoints and being inclusive that it is a concern. Ultimately I write what I want to/need to but I am aware it might not be for all tastes hence always trying to follow ratings etc.

Replying here so it doesn’t cause any problems with OP, etc..

Ohh. I’m sorry if this worried you.. tbh this was very random and I wasn’t even thinking about fiction when I rb this. This one reminded me of a few times I went out with friends and colleagues and I just felt starkly asexual, lmao

About my tolerance regarding sex and explicitly in fiction, I’ll be honest with you…

There’s hardly anything I could say I wouldn’t read about. I just don’t feel ‘triggers’ or anything of the sort, no hard feelings when it gets to fiction and I value your will to be conscious of other viewpoints but its practically impossible to cater to all tastes like you said, so don’t worry about it much… there’s always someone out there who will feel offended and others who will fiercely love it.

As for myself, I’m very tolerant to sexual content in fiction, idk? I don’t seek it out particularly but its not a deal breaker either.

I know some asexual people are less tolerant, I usually just get a ‘meh’ feeling whenever those subjects are touched in much detail, idk some works do get nasty and bothersome because of much detail involving sexual practices so I just give up on them or put them aside when they bring me no joy but I gladly consume material with sex on it as long as I like some aspects of it. Also, I’m good at ignoring or glossing over things I don’t like in fiction… when I read explicit scenes with intercourse it does nothing to me and my eyes focuses on the sentences I loved such as regarding the feelings between the characters and subtle interactions instead of the physical/carnal aspects of it, and this makes it all worthy it.

Even so, some works might become overwhelmingly depressive or repulsive so I might put them aside even if I enjoyed an aspect of it or I might just skip through them and this happened recently to a series of fantasy books I tried to read which were actually really good but they were so overwhelmingly and unnecessarily dark and had an horrid oppressive atmosphere towards women an sex so I just felt no joy reading them? Its not like I was traumatized by its tone but it felt like a chore and I couldn’t care about it further and no character inspired me whatsoever that the world could change for the better, so I dropped them.

But its not like I’m judging it, I just feel weirded out to some things and I just imagine the kind of mind that takes upon themselves the chore to write a whole series of book which has nothing but suffering and misery in them, especially concerning women, lol. We already had this shit in history and still have in some places in the world so I kinda feel like its not interesting for me to read about it in a fictional setting, especially if I don’t feel like the writer is going to challenge the setting.

But I’m aware most people are much more sensitive… these things can be horrid for those who are more sensitive, and perhaps my own asexuality protects me from feeling it fully as I don’t even think of myself as a being capable of partaking in this (weird, I know), so I have problem even projecting.

But I did felt really strongly for the way women were oppressed absurdly and had their agency completely obliterated, so that sparked a sort of empathy or kinship in me which made progress in such book a chore…

You got my point and this just illustrates a bit my relationship to fiction and things that irk me since you were interested in my opinion… I have another example of fantasy book with lots of sex in it:

I read asoiaf even thought its full of sexual stuff but I don’t feel joy at these parts, yet the work is so good on other themes that I ignore it for the most part… but even so, recently I’ve read F&B and it was kinda overwhelming on the sexist aspect with myriads of female characters turned into child brides and raped and dying at their childbirth repeatedly it just got very tiresome and repetitive near the end, because there where almost no counterpoints to it, unlike in the main series where the situation is dire for women but we have characters challenging it more often and idk. F&B just lacked on that front.

So, this shows a bit my sensitivity towards sex is more related to sexism and the feeling that women are confined to their reproductive aspects: motherhood, childbearing, marriage, sensuality, etc.. I don’t have a problem with sexual intercourse per se as you can see, but that’s from my unique point of view and I know some asexuals are more repulsed towards it, but you asked my opinion…

So, if its consensual sex: its not my cup of tea but I don’t feel like its a deal breaker…

Just to give you a positive sex example: when I see an OTP of mine getting to the point of having sex I think its pretty sweet, like when Jon and Dany consummated their love on that boat… I was happy for them, for all that it means, the symbolism between the union of ice and fire and just two characters which I love dearly, finding happiness and comfort in each other. What’s not to love about it??

This is a rare stance I can say I saw a pair I ship get to that point xD

I love shipping as you know, but its more about the psychological aspects and potential for character development and even when I’m reading fanfic about my OTPs I enjoy more the angst and symbolism than the ‘hot’ parts which usually just makes me go ‘meh’ (again).

So this makes me say: when sex is the focus of works I could feel like I’m too asexual for this, even if it regards an OTP, it just doesn’t have a very exciting effect on me or I’m not explicitly interested in this part of a relationship, when so many other things caught my eye… sometimes subtle interactions and dialogue and and gentle approximation (touches, caresses, kissing, etc..) is so much more exciting for me to read about than the ‘thing’ itself, lol.

To sum it up: when its there just for p*rn or even worse, shock value it just makes me go ‘meh’ or ‘ugh’ or ‘uhh why am I even reading this?’

This reminds me of Vivi’s take on the ‘hiero gamos’, in this case I just say I might even enjoy the theme as long as the scenes involving sex are meaningful and passionate and the aspect I value the most about them are sublime and platonic instead of carnal but I’m aware the carnal aspects are very important for the characters and the audience so I also worry when I get to show my stories people will think they lack sexual content ^^ I get you.

Now that you know my feelings towards sex in fiction, to a broader sense I just wanted to say..

There’s no way to guess people’s sensitives but it doesn’t mean you need to walk on eggshells afraid to trigger people all the time, hell no! I’m all for freedom of creation. At least around me there are no metaphorical ‘eggshells’.

Everyone has their own set of opinions which makes them unique, not just me, I mean… even so I will let my snowflake syndrome show but I’m quite peculiar if you could say, so I sort of grew a strong ‘carapace’ towards the world as I deal with people with completely different views and values on a daily basis which might make me have inflamed political opinions while at the same time, I’m very flexible and forgiving when it comes to fiction in general.

I don’t expect much of the population to be like this so I’m also self conscious when it gets to writing my own stuff because I know people can feel very strongly about it and you’ve seen the way fandom reacts to minor things and bash creators when they perceive flaws in their work… I’m just not a judgmental person, its not in my nature. I just ignore things in fiction if I don’t like and I became even more relaxed over time in regards to this all, lol I nearly reached a ‘nirvana’ as I don’t even feel strongly negative feelings in regard to this.

Snarky and bitter comments from time to time? Yes… but no hard feelings. RL needs my hatred, lol so I don’t have it to spare with fiction any longer.

Anyway, on an unrelated sub note… as you might have noticed, I don’t feel comfortable about current fandom trends and specially policing, and with reason as this gets very serious and quick with literally ‘wave chain reactions’ of hatred sparked apparently from nowhere. I hope people could create more freely instead of the political correct police and restraining of creativity we have now. It was good for a while and I’m all for diversity and change in status quo (for the better), but I think this has gone too far and I perceive a lot of rigidity in fiction right now due to fear of fandom backlash we have creators afraid to make their thing and afraid it isn’t ‘inclusive or progressive’ enough… so they bend themselves endlessly until fandom ‘approves’ them, but even so someone is bound to scream and say the work is offensive and the cycle of hatred is restarted.

I know this reply was like a huge egocentric monologue and I strained with non related issues at the end, but you asked my thought on this so I tried to convey it with detail.. including things related to the perception we have concerning fictional themes and I just kinda had to vent at some parts of it.

etc…. This doesn’t mean I forbid judgment from others or criticism or that I forbid people from harshly criticizing works of fiction, just that sometimes it gets more harmful than beneficial and scare people off, and I felt like saying that.

Anyway,,, just want to say nonetheless I find it very sweet and considerate that you are taking different opinions in mind while writing, but you don’t need to worry at least from my part, and I don’t think you ever got even close to being explicit in your writings so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

#beyond-far-horizons

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fooljshgirl · 7 years ago

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50 more interesting questions tag!

Rules: Fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes! tagged by @dear-mrs-otome (thank you for making this questionnaire!) and @slbp-owns-ayame! thank u for making me feel included, friends💓 i’ve crossed some questions out, mainly cos i’m too unfocused to answer them or cos i couldn’t think of an answer 😅

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?:

indian food, sadly ): i’ve had it once or twice and have therefore concluded that the spice is too much for me. i like their roti and naan, though!

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?:

shaving & waxing, definitely. i’m hairy as hell but i don’t want to shave any other part than my intimates and underarms cos apparently once you shave or wax, the hair grows thicker and i definitely don’t want to deal with that.

3. Have you got any useless talents?:

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?:

i’d love to master how to counter being unproductive. this is a serious issue for me and i Don’t Know What To Do anymore.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking:

Kim Namjoon, Nam Joo Hyuk, Lee Min Ho, Cody Ko.

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?:

drawing! i loved it then. my dad even got me a book on how to draw in anime style when i was around 10 or 11.

7. What is something you’re proud of?:

i got paid for a few published articles recently! i wasn’t expecting to, but am really proud of myself for it anyway.

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?:

attention-seeking 100%. especially if the person is just doing it to ‘fit in’. i find it really cringey and frankly unsavory. don’t do things you don’t want to do just to feel cool!!!!!!!

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?:

a leader, tbh. i’d like to think i’m good at planning and motivating people to get moving on their tasks. as a follower, i always have suggestions as to how to make the plan more feasible, and eventually end up becoming the leader anyway.

10. What kind of student are/were you?:

i used to be a great student, a teacher’s dream lmao but now i guess i’m still the same, it’s just overshadowed by my laziness and inability to recognize urgency.

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?:

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion:

I HATE BUGS AND INSECTS THEY ARE THE ONLY THINGS IN THIS WORLD I WILL HATE apparently this is called entomophobia

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?:

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?:

i’m a quiet, spaced out drunk. i look like the type to fall asleep at any moment, but i’d liven up the moment you talk to me. at parties, i’m usually one of those people at the sidelines, just watching the others at the beginning. at the end, i’m with my friends doing something we’d most likely get suspended for lol

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?:

it depends on the person, i think. i catch feelings fairly easily if i think you’re cute, but actually falling in love would take prob a year from me, at least. i give my trust out quickly, but it’s not the kind of trust where i’d tell you all my deepest thoughts. it’s more of a, “yeah i’ll take you at your word, i don’t generally think you’’re shady” kind.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?:

aaaaaaaaaaaa i’m torn! talking to one person all day all the time can be tiring and draining, but having a ton of casual friends means not rly having someone to vent to, or someone to bounce ideas off of. i guess right now, i’m leaning towards the latter, simply because if you have a hundred casual friends online, it’ll be less awkward to talk about ‘deep’ things because chances are, you don’t know each other in real life lol

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?:

both!!! i can be very organized and clean in the beginning, but then i get lazy to put whatever it is back to where i got it and i end up having a moderately organized messy work table.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy:

sunlight pouring in through the slits of the window shades, making the room less dim. a white comforter on white sheets and black pillows, my laptop on top and hot tea on the bedside table, along with my phone. the air conditioner is on, the temperature matches perfect sweater weather. alternatively, cold wind blows in through the window.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?:

i don’t, and sometimes i think i want two of them! but who knows, everything changes.

20. What was your favorite book as a child?

it’s more of a series; the Berenstain Bears! Mercer Mayer’s Little Critter is a close runner-up.

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about:

buying official band merch! while i understand that it’s because they’re your idols, coming from someone who’s been a hard stan of a particular band for more than two years, once you grow out of them, you’re going to realize how much money you’d spent that could’ve gone to a better place. i just realized this still applies to me cos of slbp shut up

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated:

it’s more of a person, actually; Cody Ko! i find his YouTube videos extremely funny, plus he’s cute lol

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?:

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?:

get into medical school and get my license, despite our financial stance. i always thought being a doctor or a lawyer was boring, but now being a doctor has a certain appeal to me. i’d love to help people through their sicknesses and help them feel and be better.

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?:

i almost always speak my mind, and generally push aside any hesitance if it’s ‘controversial’, except of course if i don’t know much about what the issue is. i only choose to stay quiet when i know my opinion isn’t going to get through to whoever it is i’m talking to.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?:

the grunge, all black hype of 2014 kjfjkdkjfdkjdfs i still cringe

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?:

my answer @ #26 )))):

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?:

being able to still be yourself or stand up for your morals despite getting shit on for it, definitely.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.):

it’s usually either clothes or money, which i am 10/10 grateful for every time

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?:

i speak two, mainly; english and my native language!

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?:

big city, no hesitation.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?:

kpop tbh. i used to be a lowkey hater when i was in elementary (but would jam out to them when i was alone), but loOK AT ME NOW

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?:

i’m alright with either, but prefer being at the back making things work for whoever’s on stage.

34. Favorite holiday?:

my birthday duh

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?:

i like going with the flow, but would feel much more comfortable if there were some constants in the said flow.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.):

37. What hobbies do you have?:

i LOVE reading and learning more about astrology. i’ve gotten into tarot recently because of it!

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?:

being able to shoot trash in the bin with 100% precision every time. imagine throwing your waste five meters away from where the bin is? less walk time, amazing

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you:

“she’s not a bitch after all...” sike i am

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out:

pretending to be someone you aren’t only hurts you in the end.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?

i don’t know if this counts, but i swallowed a fish bone when i was in elementary and almost had to go into surgery to get it out of my throat lol

42. Any morbid fascinations?:

i am and always will be in love with crime shows like Criminal Minds or CSI.

43. Describe your sense of humor:

honestly i laugh at almost anything. i can find something to laugh at during someone’s funeral 💀

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?:

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at:

F O C U S I N G❗️❗️❗️❗️ i always have at least three things on my mind at all times it’s exhausting

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through:

i was able to get out of an abusive relationship late last year and i am extremely grateful it happened. i’m still hesitant to continue contact with the other party, but we’re getting there.

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.):

i’d have freckles around my nose and cheek area as the really pretty tattoo on my face, so joke’s on you!!!!!!!!

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?:

optimist, for sure. i can always see the bright side of things.

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?:

“you really put your all into this and did a great job, you deserve this!”

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you:

i think it’s more of some people underestimate how smart i am, and it doesn’t bother me at all lol think me dumb all u want let’s see who’ll be laughing when i get ur ass beat

tagging @kanashi-konpyuta @hajeema @wrapmons @yoosungshoodie @dirties @regretful-otome @atroniascreamsube ~

#U GUYS TAGGED ME IN THIS LIKE A WEEK AGO IM SO SORRY THIS IS LATe #tags

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ohhhhmyblog · 8 years ago

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#StoryTimeWithMy - Me & #HurtBae handle things differently...clearly.

Ok... So I was with him over 3 years at this point. But in recent times, we had had multiple convos about not being together for various reasons...but there was still that lingering love. You know? Where you still speak everyday, still hang out, are still intimate, etc... Still...to the point where one week prior to this "incident" we did a little day trip where we took Teagan out to eat and to Liberty Science Center. You know, regular shit...

So on this day, I spoke with him a couple times throughout the day. I let him know I had made plans in his area later and we agreed to just hang out until my girl got off work. Soooo.... I go.

I get to his house and everything's regular... drinks, music, his friends, their girlfriends...typical weekend night at his place.

Then the bell rings, he goes to open it, and a woman comes in. I don't think anything of it at all...at first. Then I notice all of his friends get weirdly silent (completely out of character for this bunch). The woman is totally comfortable. She goes into the fridge for something, takes a charger out of the wall and heads toward his bedroom. She's out of sight for about a minute and I decide to go follow her.

And there she is...sitting on his bed, phone plugged in the wall, just scrolling through her phone...super comfortable. I do the only thing there is to do... "Oh hi...I'm MyAsia. Who are you? I'm *insert name i dont remember because it didn't matter*. Oh. You're here for *him*? How do you know him...because you clearly KNOW him? I've known him for years." She starts to look worried. She's catching on... (lol, funny now...wasn't funny then)

I go back into the living room. I approach him. I just stare at him. He gives me this look like "Fuck!" but tries to play like he's confused. "What?" he says., I just stare at him...

In that moment, I am trying soooooo hard not to burst into tears because...y'all...she was comfortable there. She wasn't new. She knew where the outlets were in his bedroom. She didn't require an introduction to his friends. She was comfortable enough to go in the fridge.

"Who is she? Why is she here?" He just stares at me with the goofiest "I have fucked up" face. She walks into the living room. It's now awkward af. I. LOSE. IT. I have so many questions and I'm asking them all...in front of everyone...at max volume...without one single fuck to give. Not. One.

His friends start to head to the door. The gf of one his boys stays behind and attempts to get me to relax. Nope. I'm on one. Then something in my head is like "MyAsia, you are making a fool of yourself. You are flipping your shit and he isn't even reacting." He is still in the same spot...looking dumb.

The woman gets her things to leave. I start to leave too. He follows. (I think he thought we would get into something...but no, my issue was never with her.) But in that moment, I interpreted that as him wanting to save her from me. I started swinging. You know when you swing as you talk? Why👊would👊you👊do👊this👊to👊me? Why👊have👊her👊come👊here👊when👊you👊knew👊I'd👊be👊here? He gives me this "I didnt know she was coming" bs...which only pissed me off even more. Now I know she's comfortable just popping up here? Ok.

I start bawling. I am sooo hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I had placed him on this pedestal...because in my mind, he would never be "this guy". I attempt to storm out. He stops me. Now he has answers. Now he wants to explain. He wants to tell me that "we broke up already". He wants to tell me "we already decided not to be together". He wants me to believe she just came around in the last couple weeks...this woman who goes in his fridge, knows his friends, comes over unannounced and knows where the outlets are in his bedroom... I. Can. Not. Stop. Crying. I want to...because I feel weak and stupid...but I can't.

I snatch away from him and leave. I can't leave. I have an excruciating headache suddenly. I can't see thru the tears. I was a wreck...smh. I get in the car, drive one block up and park. I call the friend I was suppose to link up with after she got off. I am hysterical. She can't understand me. My phone beeps. There's another call coming in. It's his friend's gf from back at the house. She wants to know where I am. I tell her and click back over. I give a short, prob super inaccurate version of what just happened. At this point, he is Satan to me...so I can only imagine what I said.

Anyway, I tell her where I am and hang up. I am legit hysterical. My head is hurting. I am angry. I am hurt. This woman wasn't new. This woman was comfortable y'all. When he reacted to this whole "incident", he considered her. I saw it. It was too much. I sat in my car just shaking...trying to talk myself out of setting his house on fire. Seriously... The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that children lived in the unit above him...the children who stomp around and make so much more on those weekend mornings when he and I just wanted to sleep in. Those loud ass children kept me from making a super irrational decision that night.

I'm startled by a knock on my window. It's his friend's gf. She tells me to unlock the door. She gets in the passenger seat and just sits there, silently. I'm still crying. I can't make it stop. My head is racing. Then the other friend shows up. She gets in the car. We just sit there for a minute. Then my friend who missed the whole thing says "what the hell happened?"... I tell her...and finish with "My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I need a drink."

We all get in her car andride around North Newark looking for a bar. It's dark. It's late. Everything is closed. Then we see this little corner bar that seems to be open. We get out. We go in. There are all Hispanic men over 50 in this bar, y'all. I didn't care. They had liquor...lol I had shots and cocktails with these 2 til the bar was closed. I spilled my little heart out in there...to 2 women who weren't even THAT close to me...but in that moment I appreciated them. They let me vent and talked me down...well kinda... ...Because now, I'm angry AND upset AND still feeling stupid...and I've spent the last hour drinking continuously...

I decide I am going back to his house. They try to talk me out of it...but nah, I'm going back. I call his phone. He answers immediately. I tell him I'm coming back and he needs to be there and alone. I promise you in my head I was going back to that house to hurt him. I considered killing him...in real life. I thought of how I'd do it, how I could get away with it, how it'd make his mom and sister feel, how I'd explain it to Teagan...all that. SMH

We leave the bar and head back to his house. They wont let me go in alone. I ring the bell. He comes to the door. In that moment...something happened to me that I cant and wont ever be able to explain. In that moment, I needed him. So many times before I he had been the ONLY person to see me through bs and tough times. This time was no different. In that moment, I was searching for and anticipating comfort and consolation...from the very person who had just hurt me. SMH Why was I like that?!

I start yelling, crying and carrying on...and he tries to hold me. I'm fighting him...I want him not to touch me and I want him to hold me tighter...at the same... damn...time. Y'all... I was all messed up.

We go inside and he's giving me the same story and I'm so over hearing it. I zone out and I'm just wondering why I'm back at his house...seeking solace in the same man who had upset me in the first place. I got angry. I was back and forth between literally throwing blows and falling into his chest crying asking him why. The whole time my head is KILLING me.

Suddenly it's silent. For a while there's just me doing that "I just finished crying", sniffling thing lol Then he takes my jacket off of me, lays me down in his bed, takes my shoes off and just cuddles up next to me. He says he's sorry and that he never meant to hurt me like this and this isn't how he ever thought this would go. I fell asleep...in the arms of the same mf who I had just thrown jabs at...the same mf I seriously considered killing just hours before. I woke up the next morning and left silently.

I was violently ill for days. I learned then just how real "mind over matter" is. I had literally gotten physically SICK...because of mental and emotional pain. I also learned that you can not ever view someone the same after heartbreak. I learned that anyone is capable of anything and pedestals are for trophies, not people. I learned that everyone is just moments of hurt & anger away from a Snapped episode so I don't judge.

Fast forward to present time...fast forward pass months of personal growth and experience...fast forward pass a bunch of laughs and tough convos between us over the years... This guy is still one of the closest ppl to me. I still love him to death. I currently consider him a friend of mine. I just know I can't ever look at him THAT way again...and that's ok.

That #HurtBae video struck a nerve with me. No one is above being hurt. But when you're in a situation that is emotionally and mentally draining, get the hell out of it!

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