#not even in a trans way i just was degendered from the start for being neurodivergent and fat.

[deerboybreeder]

Not interested in misgendering other trans ppl or being called a woman LMAO. Try again.

[countingprimes]

really hate how they/them pronouns have lost all meaning as a neutral pronoun. like everyone, especially queer people see them as 'third gender' pronouns. and .... that really does defeat the purpose now doesn't it

[molsno]

god, what happens next is so good. the character writing is just spectacular. it fascinates me just how much depth there is to each character and how that contributes to the story.

milo's dni is the most revealing thing about him, and it's the very first thing we hear from him:

right off the bat, we can see what kind of person the protagonist is. he's a pastel softboi trans man who clings to a childish aesthetic to appear weak and non-threatening. despite being involved in a toxic relationship with another trans guy who attempted to rape and kill an 11 year old girl when he was a teenager and later murdered his girlfriend, which milo helped with by dismembering her corpse, he puts "pedophiles and unhealthy pairing shippers dni" on his carrd. which, ok, maybe he wants to distance himself from people like griffin now - except that's not really true, because he talks to, moves in with, and regularly hangs out with a serial killer fan who idolizes griffin and is even dating the guy while he's in prison. he puts "being against neopronouns" and "anti-otherkin" on the same level as those things. he explicitly denies any responsibility in the murders of haylie and savannah, despite having literally chopped haylie's arm off. all the while, he has "you deserve to heal" in big bold letters, while not applying that belief to anyone but himself.

right from the start, it's obvious that milo is not a good person. but he's also humanized throughout the story. sure, some of his softboi persona is a means of victimizing himself to avoid taking responsibility for what he did - and you could make the case that he was a victim in some ways. on the other hand, he also never got to grow up because he spent 5 years in a psychiatric institute. is it any surprise that he clings to the same aesthetic, interests, and hobbies he had when he was 15? he never got to stop being a kid, and how is he supposed to now? he didn't graduate high school, he can't get a job, and nobody wants to be friends with him because of what he did. it raises uncomfortable questions - namely, what happens next? milo served his time for the crime he committed as a minor. he was already punished, but now he has to live the entire rest of his life. what is he supposed to do?

that, I think is the most interesting part of this story. almost every character in this story makes it hard for you to like them, but they also have very human reasons for doing the terrible things that they do. I'll talk about some of my favorites under the read more, but be aware that there will be spoilers:

claire is one of the most interesting characters to me, just because of how unlikable she is.

when we first see claire in victim impact statement, she tries to ignore haylie, griffin, and milo as much as possible. she doesn't even seem to like her sister. she treats haylie as a nuisance for coming into the room that they share as sisters. she doesn't want to go to the open mic night to listen to haylie play her ukulele. when she finds haylie bawling her eyes out in the bathroom at anime central, she just looks away, as if to say "you chose to date your shitty boyfriend". when she hears haylie and griffin fighting upstairs, she just pretends not to hear it. when haylie is curled up in terror later, claire puts on headphones and turns her back to her. her headphones become a way of drowning out haylie's screams when griffin is around, and because of that, she doesn't hear haylie screaming for her life, and ends up finding her corpse in the kitchen.

that's why I don't find it surprising at all that she becomes an outspoken transphobe who wants to take her anger out on the trans people who murdered her sister. she goes to media events and publicly degenders milo and griffin. she calls aaron's friends trannies. I think it's easy to misconstrue her as a terf, but she literally doesn't even pay lip service to feminism. how could she? she knew that her sister was being abused by her boyfriend, and she did nothing. let me remind you that she lives in a house where "smash the patriarchy" is embroidered on the wall. she doesn't care about any of that. she just wants a scapegoat. she wants to make the law impose harsher punishments on minors who commit violent crimes because she doesn't know what else to do with her life. she very clearly hates herself, becoming an alcoholic to cope with her guilt. she pretends to care about haylie and fight for this law because it's the only way she can convince herself she's a good person, even though she can see that doing what she's doing is turning everyone against her.

and then that brings us to audrey. it's difficult to like her, too, because she's dating claire despite all of the horrible things she's doing. but at the same time, I can see where she's coming from. her mother died of cancer and she and all of her other black siblings were adopted by conservative christian white parents. she's still christian to this day, and makes a point of separating herself from "criminals" by insisting that she has nothing to do with them because she goes to church and takes care of her family. she doesn't want to disavow the law that claire worked so hard to pass because at the end of the day, it won't affect her personally, even though she is aware that the justice system disproportionately punishes black people. she very clearly has a lot of internalized racism, and I think that's best exemplified in the way she draws herself. despite having pretty dark skin in real life, she draws herself as light skinned as claire, her white girlfriend:

like, it's hard to like audrey, but you can clearly see why she's made all of the decisions she has! she idolizes claire because it's her first lesbian relationship. the way she sees it, claire can do no wrong. audrey does actually seem to be aware that her girlfriend is doing terrible things, but she essentially just plugs her ears and tries to ignore it. that's why she doesn't go to claire's campaign events. she ignores all of her girlfriend's flaws because claire is essentially her savior. because she has claire, she doesn't have to go back to her family, to her abusive alcoholic white father. she doesn't have to actually take care of her younger siblings, which is a responsibility she's foisted off unto mark. that's why she ignores that claire is just as much of an emotional drain as her father. she's highly depressed, she's an alcoholic, she trashes their bedroom (leaving audrey to clean up after her mess), she puts up an emotional wall and dismisses audrey's attempts to comfort her, and dismisses audrey's own problems as being less traumatizing and less important. by all accounts, claire is a terrible girlfriend and a terrible person, but because audrey idolizes her as her savior, she stays by her side. I'm really looking forward to seeing how she reacts to claire's disappearance in future chapters.

and then of course, there's vikki. she's been doing something incredibly disrespectful for years by making true crime videos where she talks about the victims and killers like it's all a joke. she makes a video about whether ethical necrophilia is possible, and makes a callous, bitter joke that the concept of "respect for the dead" is antiquated, because nobody respects her as a trans woman of color even though she's still alive. for this comment, people have harassed her online endlessly, enough that she had to make a video called "STOP TELLING PEOPLE I FUCK CORPSES". that doesn't stop her from making a video about the murder of haylie, complete with an interview from milo. she'll throw him under the bus if it means getting the attention off herself for a bit.

and yet, I think out of everyone, I feel the most compassion for vikki. yes, she used milo for content and called him a "sad little blonde girl", but I can understand where she's coming from! like, again, she's a trans woman of color in the true crime community. she knows the archetype milo is trying so hard to be in order to avoid taking responsibility for what he did. like, I've personally seen trans women of color who are victimized by white trans men who pull the same exact shtick as milo over and over, so I completely understand her frustration. that said, she also realized she went too far and tried to apologize, only to find out she was blocked and that milo basically wrote a callout post against her. I think it says a lot that vikki was one of the only people to actually try to talk to milo, even if the way she went about it was wrong.

vikki does things that are disrespectful, but to be honest, it's not that surprising! she grew up in a 90% white town in the middle of nowhere, got assaulted by multiple white boys for being a faggot, got sent to alternative school, worked for a funeral home as a teenager, and transitioned. not only is she desensitized to death, she's angry that people revere the dead more than her.

it's astounding, really! what happens next is so well written because it makes you feel conflicted about each of its characters. what are we supposed to do with these people who do awful things? a lot of the intrigue in this comic comes from seeing how each of the characters handles this question as they deal with the other characters who have done terrible things, while they themselves are deeply flawed as well. I think the writing really forces you to contend with the idea that these are all still people, and that their humanity needs to be recognized even if they do terrible things. it makes you ask, what happens next?

[drdemonprince]

Your post about "transitioning to escape gender but then there's more gender" has been rotating furiously in my mind since I saw it. When I first realized I was trans at age 15, I identified as agender, but I knew I wanted to go on T and get top surgery so I decided it would be simpler to tell everyone I was a trans man and that just kind of became the truth. Now 10 years later I'm sorta starting to feel like I wanna actually be agender again, but the idea of an identity shift like that at my current age is terrifying and idek who I'd tell, or how I'd do it, and I don't think I wanna stop using he/him exclusively, and I have no idea why I'm telling *you* this other than that I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it because it feels like somehow admitting that I was wrong about the gender I fought like hell to become, even though i don't really think that's the case I think my sense of self might just be continuously evolving... but I just wanna say you talking about having a gender shift like once every several years is helping me process this rn and feel like I'm not faking anything now AND wasn't faking anything before.

Dog i am right there with you. As a kid I always thought gender was bullshit, the coercive nature of it disgusted and scared me and I rebelled against it the best that I could. I loathed being assigned to any gender category, I never identified as a "girl", but I didn't really identify with any other category either. Puberty terrified me (and of course, it does most young people, but it felt like it would only more deeply entrench the category that I was assigned to in other people's minds, it made it more difficult to escape). I had trans friends as a teen but it did not occur to me to transition because there was really no end goal that I wanted to head toward, I just knew what I wanted to avoid and not experience. I coped mostly by degendering my body with a fairly androgynous style and way of presenting myself to the word and mannerisms, but also by starving myself which was not so great, and not sustainable. I considered transness for myself, even trying on a friend's binder and presenting masculinely at certain queer events, but it seemed to me at the time like just another way in which to obsess over gender, a foolish coercive socially constructed thing that i was trying to avoid.

In my 20s, I learned more about nonbinary people and figured that explained things pretty well. I was enamored with the transition journeys of some other trans people, largely trans women more than trans masculine ones (with some trans-effeminate faggot boy exceptions), but I still didn't want to take on all the expense and uncertainty and hassle of navigating the medical system for myself. I didn't think that the pursuit of being happy merited taking on so many risks or fiddling with myself so much. I saw it as an extravagance I didn't deserve, I guess, and I also couldn't locate a target outcome that seemed desirable enough for me. I was still dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from some trauma and didn't really think about my life in the long term. I guess I still don't, haha, whoops.

Eventually I came out as nonbinary, and nobody really gave a shit. There is a lot of useless, solidarity-breaking discourse that happens online about essentially who is "more" oppressed, binary trans people or nonbinary people, and a lot of that fight amounts to the two groups shouting about the ways in which they annoy one another without there being any cogent analysis of power and where oppression comes from (let alone how much those two categories overlap).

But I will say that being a they/them was far more difficult than being a trans guy socially and institutionally, because your identity is completely illegible to every system around you. "binary" trans people struggle under this too, but i have found there are some immense benefits to having a socially and institutionally legible target gender. nobody would fucking actually they/them me. not anyone. not even other trans people and queer people. there were no public gendered spaces for me. there were no spaces for me. there was no way to move through the medical system, professional life, and other public institutions as a nonbinary person. i was still just a cis woman in everyone's eyes. including the people who claimed to support me. and it was massively frustrating.

and so i think ultimately, i took my frustrations with not being at all able to escape coerced gendering as a nonbinary person and combined that with the affinity i do feel for queer men and the general sense of misery i was still experiencing in my life and decided what the hell, i'll round myself up to being a trans guy. i upped my T dose, i dressed more masculinely, i eventually got a super masculine hair cut that really squared off my jawline and got me gendered correctly, and i started more consciously inhabiting queer men's spaces.

and it was pretty dope. for a while. i felt the rush of having gotten away with something. when people effortlessly gendered as male i felt freed at last from the pressure to be a woman. i was no longer being coerced into being something that i was not. i had escaped the enforced category so much that people couldn't even see the history of that category being pushed onto me. there was relief.

but then. as always happens. people made little comments about my handshake being too weak for a man. the hypermasc dudes at the leather bar rolled their eyes at me and all the other effeminate dudes swanning around the bar. the people who picked me up off the apps or at the sauna would always let it slip, eventually, that they had a lot of experience with trans guys, or had most recently been dating all trans guys, and it would make me feel like a stock character to them, yet another category into which all kinds of assumptions had been projected. a type not a person. a few people said my haircut made me look like i was in the military or described me as actually masculine, which was equally jarring because it was so incorrect. people tried to affirm me by saying i was such a dude, i was such a man, i was such a fag, i was such a gay bro, pawing all over me leaving the mark of all their assumptions and oversimplifications behind. i had tried to run away from gender and there i was just BASTING all the time in everybody's goddamn assumptions about gender. trans people didn't talk about it any less than cis people did, they were just as fucking confining to be around.

it honestly feels really dirty. when people try to affirm your gender constantly and can't stop talking about it, when people look past you and see only your body, your history, or the role they have typecast you in, when people use your body as an outlet for their own gender or sexuality explorations, when they keep trying to measure every single facet of existence up into being masculine or being feminine or being toppy or bottomy or any other gendered type, it's claustrophobic.

as a trans man i tried playing this whole gender game and the second i started winning i began to feel even more disgusted with myself. it wasn't a victory or an escape, it was a capitulation. exploring with my identity and presentation has brought positive things into my life and my health has gotten better as a result, and i've made wonderful friends who, like me, are disaffected by this coercive gendering system. so i don't regret any of that. but trying to make myself legible under the existing gendered system was a fool's fucking errand. i wish i hadnt done it to myself and i wish i hadnt had it pushed onto me. to be clear, it was cissexist, binarist society that forced it onto me; even when other queer people coated me in their gendered assumptions that is obviously a byproduct of societal conditioning, and it's conditioning that ive reinforced in my own behavior and outlook toward others plenty of times too. we all do it, and we are all wronged by the existing coercive gender system.

i dont even care how i fucking identify anymore and i have no intention of changing pronouns again or anything, i'm so bored of it, i just actually want off this fucking thing. im not interested in trying to make others understand what i am anymore or in who i am even being simply categorizable, i dont want to obsess anymore over how i am perceived or to attempt engineer my appearance and mannerisms to broadcast an identity to anyone. i dont even want to fuck anybody right now at all because im so sick of how much that's a gender pantomime for people. i want off this fuckin ride man im so done.

it's kind of freeing, to hit this point of complete gender apathy, and i think it is a pretty common stage of identity development for a lot of queer people who have explored multiple identities and roles over time. there is no category that i actually am, or that anyone is, there are just the frameworks that society has given us to work with to understand ourselves, and the ways in which we flatten who we are to be able to make sense of the world using those frameworks. but who i actually am is so much more contextual and mutable than all that. i am a different person in the classroom than i am on the train platform than i am in the bedroom than i am cuddling on the couch than i am when i'm working out than i am when curled up on the floor crying than i am at a big furry convention. who i am continues to change as new people come in and out of my life and age and change and my body alters and as the weather turns. who fuckin knows man it's nothing and everything. i want to let it just be

[mars-ipan]

God I feel you on this. There are so many avenues for people to get sucked into bullshit infighting too.

I s2g every time I engage with trans content my for you feed starts serving me a ton of discourse about intercommunity transandrophobia or w/e and like... if people are being weird about trans men that's worth talking about sometimes, but I get the impression there are corners of the trans community that are doing nothing but scream at each other in some pointless transmasc vs transfem war. Meanwhile I'm sitting here on TERF island, transfem people right beside me, hoping our HRT and shaky legal rights don't get nuked in the next 5 years 💀

I feel like a general online discourse rule should be that if you're putting more energy into fighting your own community/policing language/etc than fighting people that materially affect our lives, something's gone wrong and you're at high risk of radicalisation into bigotry. Or might already be there.

ghhrgh LITERALLY….. like .

from what i’ve seen a lot of this transandrophobia debate came up in response to seeing trans women talk about transmisogyny. my theory is that a portion of tme folks saw that people have been discussing transmisogyny and felt that they were having their unique experiences erased. which, like, look . i get it. erasure is something i’ve experienced kinda my whole life. i understand that it feels Bad to have your struggles downplayed. i had that same worry at first. BUT. we GOTTA be able to examine how your own fears and anxieties and biases may be coloring your perceptions!!! bc yes being trans does not make you immune to transmisogyny!! we live in a transmisogynistic world implicit bias is Going To Happen.

like. transmisogyny is a real thing that happens and disproportionately affects transfems. transmisogyny is not something non-transfem people experience unless they are falsely perceived to be transfem. it is a uniquely transfeminine experience coming from the intersection of being trans and female (or female-adjacent). it is not just a unique kind of transphobia, but rather the intentional combination of transphobia and misogyny.

is this to say that transmascs don’t experience their own unique kind of oppression? no! but it’s not an intersectional oppression and it shouldn’t be treated as such. also, the name of “transandrophobia” just gives off. a really uncomfortable energy. you’re not being oppressed because you’re male. you’re being oppressed because you’re trans. i don’t feel like we need to give this type of transphobia a name because it is just transphobia. similar to how misogynoir is a word but we don’t have a word for the specific type of oppression black men face because that’s just racism. just because transphobia impacts you in a certain way doesn’t mean it’s a special type of transphobia, and really why are we playing oppression olympics in the first place? we’re ALL hurting. can we just like… help each other out? can we stop accusing transfems of like…. deliberately trying to overshadow transmasc issues or whatever? and for the love of god if we have to argue can we STOP misgendering and degendering each other mid-argument.

like. at the end of the day this is all trivial shit because In Real Life we’re being targeted by horribly cruel legislation and social movements. it’s like we’re in a burning house and i’m watching my brother and sister argue over black mold. like yes that’s a problem but i think !!!! we should focus on putting out the fire !!!! like i live in texas. lawmakers have been trying to pass anti-trans bills here for ages, and a couple of them have gone through! i remember being sat down in gsa in my freshman year of high school and having the club sponsors tell us that if a bill that was up for ratification mandating that teachers out their students to their parents was passed that they would do everything in their power to keep us safe. i have to be careful about how i dress when i go to certain places. and i’m not even someone who’s transitioning medically— lord knows what kind of bullshit hurdles people on hrt have to go through to get it. and we’re arguing over what we want to call our oppression? we’re all facing transphobia at the end of the day can we PLEASE fix that instead of dividing ourselves into little easy-to-eliminate factions please and thank you

[nataref]

Been thinking on it more recently, and.. I'm so sick and tired of AGAB language and its substitutes. I'm sick of AGAB being used as a cudgel against transwomen, I'm sick of division and binaries, I'm sick of seeing people misattributing traits/behaviours to the genitals you are born with instead of attributing these traits/behaviors to societal structures and to the individual as a *human being* not "AMAB" not "AFAB" just human. Just a person. Because that's all any of us are. The only meaningful difference in human sexual dimorphism is how it impacts your reproductive capabilities & healthcare needs.

A transman is abusive or toxic? Cool, thats because hes an asshole. Not because hes a transman. Anyone can be abusive or toxic. Its not attributable to his AGAB/Transition history/gender. He would be shitty either way.

A transwoman is sexist? Cool, its because shes a woman who happens to also be sexist. Alot of women are. It's not because of her gender, or her AGAB, or any other aspect of her gender identity. Guess what? Anyone can be sexist, it came free with your worldwide systemic misogyny. To single out a transwoman as being sexist *because she's trans* is transphobic. Shes sexist because shes a person who is sexist. Thats it thats the whole story case closed, can we all stop with this ridiculousness now?

My point being, the toxic traits and bigotry, whatever they might be, are NOT STORED IN THE GENDER. It is stored in the person. The individual, and the larger sociopolitical structures which enforce these ideas. The toxicity is stored in the human person in front of you, to try and endlessly argue otherwise betrays a tendency to dehumanize, degender, and categorize (usually trans) people. To see their behaviour as a reflection of a group rather than the reflection of that person, you know, the full human being you are talking to/about.

I just... I hate this. I want people to put their money where their mouths are and understand that gender being understood as rigid categories that largely dictate how a person behaves, looks, and feels, has always been the fucking root of the issue (transphobia, sexism, misogyny, intersexism, etc). I'm sick of boxes I'm sick of persistently being told who I am, and who other people are, because of AGAB. I'm sick of it in every form it takes. So sick in fact I've honestly decided from now on I'm never telling anyone who doesn't already know my AGAB what I was assigned. Because it doesn't fucking matter. It's never mattered.

And maybe, just maybe, if you don't get to pry that information out of me- and other trans folk- at every possible opportunity anymore, you'll start seeing me as a person first, and transgender second. A person with flaws and strengths, a person who is whatever way I am *because I'm me* and not because I'm part of whatever category you want to shove me into. And maybe, just maybe, it'll make some of you stop and actually seriously think "why do I even want to know so badly?"

Thats all rant over goodbye 🚶

[enjoyedthatchair]

FYI the reason people assumed Chongo was not close to trans women/did not assume best faith is that he degendered a trans woman, his recollection of her post was notably more malicious than the original content, and because of how much of the notes consisted of people who were actively comparing egg jokes to misgendering. As well as the general way in which egg joke discourse tends to be heavily inflected by transmisogyny to begin with.

(about this) while i get this, i still think that the fact this was the default reaction is pretty telling on how discourse can completely warp an otherwise innocuous post about a small frustration Some Guy had about a post he misremembered made by someone whose gender he did not know into "hes purposefully misgendering and misrepresenting a trans woman".

its also worth noting that the reason his recollection of her post was notably more malicious is due to her replies on said original post, which... cmon, those were pretty bad. if this was just joking amongst friends i would have no problem with OP and would even think that chongo shoulda been more lenient, but the fact that its not and shes worried her friend might find it is just extremely uncomfortable. maybe im biased as a non-binary person who doesnt use exclusively they/them pronouns on the gringo side of the worldwide web, but comments like these made behind the targets back just leave a bad taste in my mouth. speaking of not respecting non-binary people who use anything other than exclusively they/them pronouns, didja see she tweeted this?

im starting to think this woman doesnt respect peoples identity. this isnt a gotcha btw, i think your message is earnestly trying to be insightful and as i said in the beginning: i totally get how chongos original post could be misconstrued, specially if you engage with this discourse a lot. chongo does too. but i seriously believe there was nothing wrong with chongos original post, just as there was nothing wrong with epistemophagys original post. chongos post didnt link to epistemophagy in any way, it wouldve never reached her if people didnt extract the worst possible message from it, and therefore couldve never caused her any harm. you could make the argument that his post could lead to transmisoginy, as it adds to egg joke discourse, but frankly i dont see it. "can we not?" isnt exactly a compelling rhethorical argument and chongo had no reason to believe his post would reach anyone beyond his (very pro-trans) audience. if someones being transmisoginistic in the reblogs of that post its not on chongo and most of the reblogs i saw just said something to the effect of "yeah those jokes make me kinda uncomfortable too". thank you for explaining where people on the other side of things are coming from, i hope you can understand where im coming from. stay cool, anon!

[autogynocrat]

going on anon instead of commenting because im closeted but abt the they/them degendering post. ur very correct but you also imply that trans men dont share this experience. i am a trans man and have also experienced they them degendering. im not trying to be rude, correct you, or disuade the conversation from acknowledging trans women. im also not denying it if you are trying to say that this is a WORSE issue for trans women - because it could be, i wouldn't know. i just think it does a disservice to the conversation to act like degendering is a phenomenon specific only to women. ignore this if that was just a vent post and you wherent actually trying to start a discussion, im sorry for bothering you if so. to reiterate this isn't meant to be a "making this about me" thing, it's just that ur post says directly that only trans women experience this, and that isn't true in my personal experience so I just wanted to say that bc i think that separating trans men & women from eachother TOO much in these sorta discussions can be detrimental to progress because it can create a divide that pits us against each other when truthfully we are in the same boat, even if many of our experiences differ. idk if uve maybe had an experience where a trans men invalidated u for this, and that's why u said only trans women ever get it. if that's the case it's really unfortunate- people should listen to others when they share their experiences. but it likely means that person just hasnt had that happen to him or dosent perceive it as an issue (i feel like most trans ppl would be bothered by it, but everybody's different). im sorry that people aren't respecting ur pronouns, i hope that things get better for you!

yes i think i have clarified my position after reading the tags and also reddit people accusing me of thinking trans men are oppressing me(????) its not that i dont think it happens to transmascs its that in my experience when a trans woman gets a punitive they(often during a bit dramatic internet event where she's being trial by fire'd), if she or other transfems point out that people are taking away her gender as a punishment, in my experience and observations more often than not she will be told she's crazy even by a lot of people within the community. im not saying it can't happen to transmascs im saying when it happens to transfems being dogpiled or punished nobody seems to care or notice bc its "neutral". people on tumblr have been way more chill with this and seem to understand my point but on reddit and Twitter and other spaces i see this happen a lot

basically what i was trying to vent about wasn't saying "this never happens to anyone else transmascs totally always get their gender respected" but "when this happens to trans women, we seem to be the only ones who notice it is happening to us, and people will call us crazy for noticing" that's what i meant by invisible. i don't think im erasing or denying trans mascs by saying that, i dont talk about transmasc bc i don't have life experience as one, i just have experience knowing that when this specific thing happens to trans women we get told by people of every background that it didn't happen.

hopefully this clarifies it better i dont know how much better i can say it im not making universal dogmatic statements im making experiential ones ones people keep assuming bad things about me for this post and it's frustrating

[tornad001]

reply to a trans woman on her post without degendering her and calling her they/them/their challenge (impossible) (how the fuck are you going to debate someone on the existence of transmisogyny and not even correctly gender her and yet expect everyone to agree with you)

i don't check for ppl's pronouns before responding. if u read the posts and come away with the conclusion that the 2 (two) they/thems i used are a sneaky transphobic tactic, im sorry to say the reality is much more banal and unintentional

i changed it tho. i default to they/them when i don't know someone's pronouns. but i honestly have very little respect for trans ppl who get actually upset when u "misgender" them with gender neutral pronouns. i think it shows a fragility of identity and a level of self-centeredness that is telling. if ur too emotionally reactive to hear a queer person use gender neutral language as a default for ambiguous circumstances, then ur too emotionally reactive to be having mature conversations with other queer folk.

i thought we were all about not assuming people's gender? but maybe that just doesn't apply to binary trans ppl? am i supposed to just divine the gender identity when it's a trans woman? i could've made the connection, username catgirlforeskin, being belligerent about the misogyny/misandry paradigm, etc. but any of that would still be an assumption. and if u want me to just look at their profile before i respond to anyone, im not gonna do that

cuz again, i have very little respect for trans people who get unironically upset at being they/them'd. thats the way i do engagement and if u think that makes me transphobic, well i obviously disagree, but ur entitled to ur opinion. i literally don't even bother correcting ppl if im misgendered irl usually. during the pandemic i got ma'am'd a lot cuz of my long hair, mask, and shawl, but how does it affect me? why should i care? i always just got kinda tickled that without even meaning to i was performing femininity well enough to bamboozle the lady at the reception desk. i think if ur performing queerness, u can't get upset if ur they/them'd. we're all for correcting ppl who misgender u here, but i think that process should be a gracious notice that that's not the pronouns u use with increasing intensity and eventually vitriol if not respected. but no, yall decided to serve up emotional reactivity from the start. i used they/them twice in the same post and didn't misgender them aside from that (cuz the rest i referenced her directly with you/yall) but rather than a "hey she uses she/her pronouns" followed by my "oh i didn't realize, ill change that", u had to come out the gate swinging with accusations and assumptions. like it wasn't even a he/him, that i can at least understand being emotionally reactive about, but for gender neutral they/them? insane, whacky nonsense. its the year of our lord 2024, be more normal

[deerboybreeder]

UPDATED PINNED LETS GOOOO!

Hi, I'm Deer but you can call me whatever you want idc! Im a trans man and use he/it pronouns (or any pronouns in kink), I'm in my late 20's, and my blog is primarily focused on breeding and pregnancy! However lots of my other kinks will be present here, such as cnc, kidnapping, intox, monsterfucking, hucow and gender play- this includes both force detrans and forcemasc!

Inbox and DMs are open, but keep in mind:

-i am fat! That's just a fact, don't go into this assuming I'm skinny

-I've been on testosterone for several months, and I am starting to be read as a man in my day to day life!

-I AM TAKEN and won't get in a relationship with you. I do have permission for roleplay, so assume unless stated otherwise that I'm playing a role here. I DO NOT SEND PICS BECAUSE OF THIS!!! they own my body ❤️

You Can: talk to me about impregnation, forced impregnation, breeding, pregnancy in general, reduce me to my womb and tits (PLEASE), send fantasies about breeding boys girls and anyone else, hunting deerboys (for breeding or otherwise), monsterfucking, anything hucow related, light blackmail, and forced marriage! I talk about it less here, but I'm also into having parts of me hacked off for meat- feel free to bring that up if you want but I don't expect much bc it's niche. I'm also a traumagenic system of many, so feel free to ask about that/take advantage of it!

Misgendering is good (but I really prefer degendering + dehumanization), forced feminization and forced detransition especially from pregnancy, forcemasc and trans superiority (ESP transfem superiority ❤️). See below the cut for specific boundaries about that!

I also genuinely love being sent: rape threats, stalking threats, degrading messages, porn, insults, messages that imply I'm not a real man (though don't extend this to all trans ppl that's a turn off), messages that call me stupid, and graphic violent threats. If it's not on my limits list, it's probably ok to send!

You can't: ASK FOR PICS, or talk to me about scat/piss, fauxcest/incest, raceplay, beast (not monsterfucker but like real animals). Don't imply I'd cheat on my partners either. Outside of kink warning that if I ever feel like someone actually has my personal information/location, I will delete the blog immediately. So if you want to keep playing with me, don't.

DMS ONLY: Due to privacy and the way Tumblr nukes blogs, I'll only engage with the following in DMs- hunger play, asking about my trauma, and Im CONSIDERING allowing blackmail play if we have a rapport built. I also will do ageplay in DMs but I identify as a younger teen in that space and not a little-little, and won't use family-related terms.

Required reading over! Read all of the above or I'll stomp you to death with my hooves!

Genuinely for blackmail play I gotta trust you. Assume everything here I mention irl is roleplay unless stated otherwise! I am genuinely pumping to induce lactation though, that's real, and so is me dressing more feminine on and off- that's not for detrans reasons but because I'm GNC. The god pregnancy is ALSO real, but some aspects are embellished to make it fit on the kink blog. Feel free to ask about that!

Detrans specific boundaries!

The biggest thing is don't imply all other trans people are not actually their gender. I'm okay with classing "fakeboys" as a group and being considered part of that group, but that's exclusively people who also have a detrans kink. I'm also more likely to engage with this kink with other trans people, and in a much harder context than I would with a cis person.

I'm okay with being called almost any term except for woman- even in the context of kink, I can't stand being called a woman. A womb, a girl, wife, even using she/her on me is fine, just not woman. In my kink narrative, women have a level of personhood that I can't ever have! I also am fine with a specific kind of "misogyny lite" play that's exclusive for fakeboys- fakeboys and ftm girls are subject to the typical "you exist to make babies and be in the kitchen and serve", whereas real trans men, cis men, nonbinary people, and women (both cis and trans) are granted full autonomy and agency.

I'm okay with being told I'm "lying" about being a boy/man, and being made to "go back" to being a girl/cunt/womb/whore/whatever, but what's BEST is breaking me. Sure, I was always a boy, if a fake one, but you decide to break me into a good girl for you and ruin me instead. That's better than anything else! It's also totally okay to do "light" misgendering/force fem to me- encouraging me to dress more femininely due to me being GNC and things like that, only to tell me later it's because you want me feminized.

[cannibaleather]

Ramble related to LRT cuz i gotta get it off my chest, it's topics of transphobia towards trans men so like if you don't wanna see that don't read.

That post is so real though and i didn't wanna derail in the tags cuz this is kinda spinning off of it rather than directly related, but i have noticed a prevalent push to degender trans men and refuse us our gender from other trans people which SUCKS. I mean, tboy isn't inherently a bad term in of itself (if you vibe w it hell yeah you vibe w it) but because of how i have seen it wielded i refuse to be called it, i hate it applied to myself, because i only ever see it being wielded by other trans people who will refuse to use He pronouns for us or call us men. They use it in 'discourse' to infantilise and refuse us our gender, it fucking sucks! It's just the same shit that people do when they refuse to call trans women trans women and will smash the words together or come up with new ungendered terms all because they're being transmisogynistic, like it's the different side of the same coin and it's NOT okay to talk about trans women that way so it's not okay to do to trans men either.

It's so fucking tiring seeing how any discussion about trans men will make sure to call us tboys or AFAB or whatever acronym replacement people have decided is the bio essentialist replacement for AFAB (that conveniently alienates and hurts all intersex people within our community) now, they will REFUSE to call us TRANS MEN. They will REFUSE to use He pronouns. All of a sudden trans people who know well and good it is still misgendering to call a trans person They when those are not their pronouns will be conveniently forgetting that fact. And the only things they'll talk about are how trans men have male privilege and therefore should shut up and not speak unless spoken to. We are not allowed our own discussions of our experiences, we are not allowed our discussions of the transphobia we face.

Which is misogynistic btw. They're being misogynistic because they see us as girls. It's very blatant if you look at how people talk about us. That's why they think we should be quiet, i swear to god other trans people are more misogynistic towards me as a man than cis people were towards me as a girl sometimes. The constant refusal to let trans men take up any space or have any right to their own individual discussions of self, the constant insistence we shut up, stay quiet, don't speak lest spoken to, the constant over sexualisation of our bodies while refusing us our gender, the deciding we are over sensitive or too loud or crazy if we talk back; yall hear what that is right? You do understand don't you? That's misogyny. We aren't exempt from being effected by it just because we go by different pronouns or transition, people who hate us will still wield it against us if they see us as women. Bigotry doesn't really care what you actually are in many cases, it can be wielded 'wrongly' against you by those who hate you. You can be hurt by misogyny even if you're not a woman.

Which brings us to the male privilege thing. We do not have male privilege. You need to understand how the patriarchy works, we do not gain some superpower that makes us immune to its harm when we start using he/him pronouns because the world does not see us as men. We are not categorised within the patriarchy as men. Even when we quote unquote "pass" (a reductive concept anyway considering it allows no nuance for how differently the concept affects those who are intersex nonwhite or not skinny or able bodied anyway) our position as men is entirely conditional to cis society. Perhaps we could manage to infiltrate the patriarchal structure and find a place in it amongst cis men, but realistically as soon as they know we are trans we will no longer be categorised within the patriarchy the same way as cis men. And it being so conditional and so dangerous to be found out does not sound like male privilege to me. It sounds like we are walking on a razors edge, terrified of being found out, shunned from cis society, shunned by our own fucking community who refuse to see masculine appearance as anything but bad, in constant danger and without support networks. Let me not beat about the bush here, do you think it's male privilege to know that if someone finds out mid intimate encounter you're trans they might kill you. Do you think it's male privilege to know you have to perform a certain way no matter where you are lest someone decide you're a "mutilated girl" and ruin your life for it. Do you think its male privilege to be denied your healthcare at any moment, to have to fight tooth and nail for the tiniest slither of hope to transition, to go through years and years of waiting lists and finally get on testosterone, all with the knowledge that at any point they could snatch it all away from you. I don't think it sounds like male privilege to me. And i am not saying trans men can't act oppressive to others, because i am not a moron who thinks oppression is some easily categorised thing; there are nuances, variables with race and class and any other thing you can think of. Trans men can be misogynistic. But i hate to burst your bubble, so can literally anyone else regardless of identity. If you do any reading at all on the patriarchy and misogyny you will understand that it is a poison that can be wielded by anyone, even those effected by it to get ahead in the crab bucket they're placed in. Trans men can be transmisogynistic. But again, so can literally anyone; and a trans man who's a transmisogynist isn't one because he's a trans man. But because he's a transmisogynist and he should be dealt with as such.

To be honest i also worry how this reductive idea of privilege is being applied to everyone else too; to nonbinary people, to trans women, to cis women, to people of colour, disabled people, the list goes on. Because if your idea of privilege is "if i think you look like a man you have privilege and do not need protection or care" i really worry about who is classified under your honestly transphobic binaristic "looking like a man" category. To bear my soul for a minute let me use myself as an example. I have been tall and broad shouldered with a fairly low voice my entire life. I have never looked like a 'woman' in the eyes of cis society. This did not grant me any privilege. This granted me the experience of walking into a women's bathroom when i was fifteen, before i even knew the word trans, and suddenly having the people in there stop talking and turn to stare at me. It granted at me the sickening feeling of my heart starting to race as i realised they'd started muttering. That they thought i didn't belong in there. That they thought not with kindness towards me, but that they wanted me out. It granted me knowing, for no reason other than what i looked like, i had been perceived as a threat and was now in danger. I was fifteen and i thought a group of adults might gang up on me and beat me because i 'did not look like a woman.' And this was not the only incident like this i have experienced through my life, nor no doubt will continue to experience now as a trans man even if i ever get to transition. Because of experiences like this i can't help but balk at this gender essentialist ideal people wield to hurt trans men and anyone who they class as masculine, because i can see that even if you do not care about us (which you should) you should care about everyone else who will be hurt by it AKA OUR ENTIRE COMMUNITY AND MORE. GENDERED PRIVILEGE IS NOT GIVEN TO THOSE CIS SOCIETY SEE'S AS PERFORMING GENDER WRONG NO MATTER FOR WHAT REASON. GENDERED PRIVILEGE IS NOT GIVEN TO YOU IF THEY THINK YOU ARE A TRANNY OR A FAG. YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE YOUR TRANS SISTERS BROTHERS AND SIBLINGS TO DIE, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE NOT WHITE, SKINNY, ABLE BODIED OR PERISEX, ALL BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUBSCRIBED TO GENDER ESSENTIALISM AND BINARISTIC BLACK AND WHITE FALSITIES.

And of course i recognise all this reductive black and white thinking towards trans men is primarily just an online thing, because the majority of people being this reductive only think about how the internet works and not real life, they don't think about how an actual trans mans actual real life in a cis dominated world works because all they care about is online discourse and how to reduce everything down to simple black and white labels, when real life doesn't work like that. They want to find new ways to reduce us down to genitals now that AFAB and AMAB have fallen out of favour, they want to find new bitchy high school ways to bully people and refuse them from any thought of community in their heads because they don't want those unfavourable trans people in their group because this is a fandom to them not a community. And i recognise i should not care about a bunch of people online who never grew out of high school enough to develop actual grounded real-world applicable thoughts or any solidarity or empathy for people around them. But i live in a town that doesn't even have a pride event. I live isolated from anyone but my immediate family. I do not have a community to turn to that isn't the online one; so having the online community be so toxic and rancid and poisoned by this misogynistic, transphobic, patriarchal, binaristic gender essentialist bullshit upsets me greatly. I have exclaimed near tearfully to my fiancé that i can't look at any discussions of trans-ness online anymore, that i need to avoid interacting with anything to do with trans-ness because it always inevitably ends up hateful and spiteful. That's awful. That's horrendous. I'm cutting myself out of my own community, out of any ability to feel like i belong, like there are others like me. I avoid it all, i do not go in tags, i don't go near pride month stuff or solidarity stuff or positivity stuff anymore. Because i do not feel like i belong nor am welcomed in the community. I feel like i am hated, seen as a stupid girl, not wanted, in danger of being harassed and attacked and shunned, that people want me to detransition more than they want me to be a man. I want community, i want solidarity, and i wish i could just ignore all this shit and brush it off as just stupid highschool bully bullshit; but when so many of us are isolated and alone and the internet is our only fucking chance of community and solidarity i cant ignore it, because i need the community as a whole online to fucking do better for the sake of all of us. I do not want young queer kids to be poisoned by this shit and grow up hating themselves for things they can't change. I don't want trans men scared away from transitioning by their community, i don't want trans women poisoned with self hatred by their own community, i don't want nonbinary people feeling hated at worst or left out at best, i don't want people of colour and intersex people and disabled people and fat people shunned and left out and hurt by our binaristic views. It needs to be fucking better. We need to stop stupid fucking them vs us shit that doesn't reflect the way the real fucking world works. The world wants us fucking dead. We can have nuanced discussions about how to treat each other better without turning it into creating another black and white idea that doesnt reflect how we will be treated offline by the real ass fucking world. We need to love each other, we need to have fucking empathy and love in our hearts; this is not a fucking fandom or a friend clique this is a community born out of survival.

Final note. If you try to level these discussions and critiques i am putting forward here as coming from only one trans group you're a fucking moron and are doing exactly what i am speaking up against. We are all able to be guilty of this and we all need to do better about this regardless of identity. Which is to say: don't come on here going 'trans women are so mean' cuz why are you singling out just trans women fuckass. Fucking anyone can be like this, hell fellow trans men can be like this. This isn't about 'oh which identity is the BAD one and which is the GOOD one' this is about the entire fucking community needs to do better.

[nothorses]

I did a "how not to be a transphobic piece of shit" training for about 130 summer camp staff a few years ago, and as far as I heard and observed, it was pretty effective! If you wanna use any of the methods I went with, please do.

The staff came in groups of maybe 30-40, and I only had them for about 45 minutes. We could have spent much longer on this, and I wish we had- we also ended up going over time with every single group. My bad 🙃

The basic idea was to teach folks how to think about these issues critically, rather than just telling them what to do, so it was very question and discussion-oriented. It went like this:

1. Everyone broke up into groups of 5-ish and talked about some basic terminology: did they recognize it? What did it mean, or what did they think it meant? I went with "transphobia", "transmisogyny", "nbphobia/exorsexism", and "transandrophobia", because this group already knew basic terms like "cisgender".

2. We came back together as a whole group and shared a bit about what folks discussed, while transitioning into the meat of the training session: we went through each term together, defined it, and then talked about some examples and common tropes/underlying ideas for each one. We always started with their ideas and thoughts ("What do you know about this term?", "What do you know about how transmisogyny looks or sounds? What guesses can you make?"), and then I would add things I felt were important in a conversational way as we went.

This was my favorite part of the sessions, honestly. A lot of progressive, trans-allied cis people don't know anything about transphobia beyond some surface-level "respect people's pronouns" stuff, and this was a really great way of helping them learn how to notice when people were being transphobic in sneakier, or even accidental ways: like infantilisation of nonbinary folks and transmascs, painting transfems as aggressive, invisibility/erasure, and degendering. I also dropped in some statistics to ground in systemic issues trans people are facing.

This was also a great place in the conversation to drop in useful, but maybe less necessary terms like "bio-essentialism". I don't think it's super important that people remember these words, or all the words we started with either, but I chose to use them because the frameworks they come with are helpful to understanding transphobia in a deeper and more useful way. You don't need to know what every flavor of transphobia is called, but understanding that it can look different for different groups of trans folks is super useful.

3. We talked about what we could do to support trans folks in the space. Respecting pronouns is great, but what do you do if someone else messes up a trans person's pronouns? Should you correct them? How should you do that? How can you address transphobia in a space? What about material changes, like gendered bathrooms?

This was probably the most important part of the training, and if you take nothing else from this, I really recommend taking this. Getting them to brainstorm ideas for actionable support of trans folks that is relevant to the space is a powerful way of getting people to think and act on their own. Make it a problem they can help to solve, and empower them to solve it!

There is also an organization that basically does exactly this- educates healthcare professionals on transgender health and stuff. It's called WPATH, and they have some resources on their website that might be helpful.

I hope any of this is anything, lmao. Good luck!!

hey, since you're answering asks, could i ask a favor of you and your followers?

I'm giving a presentation to a couple hundred nurses in a few months about trans healthcare, basically telling them how not to be a transphobic piece of shit, but i don't have a lot of ideas. if any of your followers have anything they'd like to say in my position, could they chime in? they can also send me asks if they want!

thank you so much if you decide to publish this ❤️‍🔥

For sure, I'll post it! That's such an amazing thing you're doing!

Hopefully, you get some good responses. And good luck when the time comes! I know you'll do fantastic.

[sorin-sunchild]

The fact is I don't necessarily not agree that 'transandrophobia' is a not a great term. I don't necessarily not agree that many who use it are not good at making sure they're not being transmisogynistic or more careful with their phrasing. I don't necessarily not agree that people have said some wild shit that just isn't true and then used that tag. I don't necessarily not agree that 'transphobia' encompasses much of what is being talked about as 'transandrophobia'. I just think that there's a lot of bad faith interpretations of those who use that tag and a great deal of unfair 'shushing' as if there aren't any issues that specifically target trans masc's when there are.

I might start using 'Antitransmasc' and derivatives though. I personally don't want to be associated with a word that people see as indicating I'm a transmisogynist when I'm not, even if I disagree with their assessment that 'uses transandrophobia = hates trans women'. I'm a coward who doesn't want everything I say discarded by a huge group of people because of a single word I choose to use to describe something.

'Antitransmasc' feels...closer to the intended meaning anyway? Clearer somehow? Focusing on the trans masc bit? Like I know that it's supposed to be transandro-phobia not trans-androphobia but that's not the way it's often read so of course it's being interpreted wrong.

The 'intended meaning' of course is just to highlight experiences that primarily are trans masc issues (the 'lost daughters' and 'lost lesbians' narrative, 'mutilating your perfect feminine body', being convinced you were sexually assaulted and that's why you're trans, being SA'd and often impregnated to emasculate and degender you and any talk which specifically places hatred onto the person for transitioning into manhood/masculinity e.g. 'T makes you ugly and violent', insults about phalloplasty cock, 'zippertits', 'everyone is going to feel unsafe about you now and that's your fault for choosing to transition' etc).

Like to me calling those things simply transphobia indicates all trans people go through those experiences to me, I dunno, that's just how I interpret that word I guess.

Bigotries, prejudice and general hatred towards marginalized groups doesn't always have the same level of impact. It would be stupid to ignore that transmisogy has the biggest impact here. That's because misogyny itself shapes so much of society and how society then decides to view all issues of gender. It's even misogyny (not misandry) which has created 'transandrophobia'. But that doesn't mean that what is happening towards trans people who aren't trans femmes is in some way acceptable, less worthy of being brought up and only talked about to 'one up' or disguise hatred of trans femmes? That's really a stretch in logic and just deeply ignorant.

So yeah, maybe transandrophobia is a bad term but what it describes is real. I think a big issue here is that the tag is full of so much fighting and bad faith from all sides when it should have just been 'this is what happened to me because I'm trans masc' and that's it.

My last note is though that I saw one person cite the inherent transmisogny of 'transandrophobia theorists' because 'they are against the use of tme/tma' and uh yeah sorry that's a stretch because there are valid criticisms of those terms often by nonbinary and intersex individuals who also don't deserve to be ignored so that's maybe not a great reason to cite.

[cuntess-carmilla]

On disability and gender

I'm writing this from my perspective as a dyadic TME non-binary lesbian (also mixed but very pale and non-Black, as well as relatively thin). I will group myself with women but like, I'm also not really a woman it's complicated lol. I say this because I can't have first-hand comprehension of all the possible dynamics between gender and disability, and other physically disabled people are very much encouraged to add their own thoughts and perspectives to this post.

I don't feel equipped to speak on how being disabled and intersex impacts gendered experiences because I have too much left to learn, so I'm sorry that I'm not going to go into it. It's not because I don't recognize that struggle, it's because I just don't have the range, so please, if you're an intersex and physically disabled person and you want to expand on this, don't be afraid to do so.

Able-bodieds can reblog but don't speak out of turn.

------------------------------------------------

For a long time I've been trying to articulate my thoughts and pain on how physical disability impacts our gendered experiences and I think I'm finally starting to get to it.

When you're physically disabled you're immediately stripped of a (willing) gender identity as well as desexualized.

Gender is embodied and performed. You can embody it "incorrectly" and perform it "poorly". Everything regarding the embodiment of physically disabled people is seen as incorrect, and the literal meaning of "disabled" is that we can't perform the same way that able-bodied people can, or at least we can't without severely impacting our wellness.

Disabled men are emasculated. Constructs of ideal manhood are in big part built on things such as physical prowess, never expressing vulnerability, being self-sufficient outside of anything domestic, and conquering women sexually and romantically.

Disabled men are seen as weak, they are seen as pathetic for having visible vulnerabilities or (if their disability isn't immediately visible) for exposing their vulnerabilities instead of "sucking it up". By needing aid, accessibility and carers that do more than what a wife would traditionally do for any man, the sense of self-sufficiency men are supposed to perform is unavailable to disabled men. All disabled people are desexualized and seen as repulsive once our sexualities are acknowledged, and even disabled dyadic cishet men can't escape this. Able-bodied women see them as unfit for any sort of serious romantic or sexual partnership. Not to mention too the traditional role of men as providers and how difficult it is for any disabled person to acquire wealth at all, let alone enough to support more than ourselves alone. The rates of poverty for physically disabled people are fucking astronomical, so most disabled men can't even use that to their advantage in romance and sex to make up for all the other ways in which they're at a disadvantage compared to able-bodied men.

Disabled women fail at embodying and performing every single aspect of traditional womanhood too, but in particular; domestic labor, sexual labor, and beauty standards.

All labor is difficult if not downright impossible when you're disabled. Disabled women who need carers as adults are seen as complete failures because, even as children, but especially as adults, we're the ones who're supposed to be the carers of others, not the other way around. People love to pretend that women are coddled more than men, but nothing breaks that illusion more than being a disabled woman. A woman's needs are supposed to be invisible and self-fulfilled, or else we're whiny spoiled bitches, and guess what that means for disabled women. When we can't perform this pristine role we're immediately marked as failures, we're undesirable and nothing but a parasitic drag in the lives of abled people.

Yes, not all disabled women are straight, plenty of us are bi or lesbians, many are also aro/ace, but the point is that the patriarchy doesn't really give a shit what a woman's sexuality is, because no woman is seen as having sexual agency, so even if we're not straight we're expected to exist to satisfy men sexually. I cannot describe how difficult it is to be sexual, even when you're not ace, if you're physically disabled. Speaking from my own experience, trying to maintain a sex life as someone who experiences chronic fatigue and chronic pain is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing aspects of my disability. I want sex, I want to want sex, to be able to fuck my fiancé, but most of the time I simply can't gather the energy to even feel horny. I feel like such a failure of a lover because of it. Even though my fiancé is patient and understanding with me!

Can you imagine what it is like for disabled women who aren't as "lucky" as me, to have a partner who understands that we simply can't do it all the time even if we do want to? I don't want to go into too much detail about this because it's very painful and triggering to many, but I think you can imagine what happens to a lot of disabled women (and disabled people in general) when we're not satisfying a partner sexually and they get too frustrated by it. Being as vulnerable as we are, nobody cares much what happens to us. More so since, again, physically disabled people are seen as sexually repulsive, so if anyone wants sex with us we're supposed to be "thankful" for it, no matter the circumstances.

As for beauty standards, any woman who doesn't fit traditional beauty standards will know just how badly men treat you when they don't find you physically appealing, and well... Let's just say that a cane or a wheelchair aren't seen by society as particularly attractive, no matter how much the woman using them fits traditional beauty standards otherwise. Then there's female amputees, women with deformities, etc. In my case, I'm a literal mutant. If I don't disguise my tells with corsetry, long sleeves, and so, so much more, my body looks "off", I have been told repeatedly that my body looks "off" my whole life, and I'm one of the least visibly disabled ones! Even regarding body hair it's fucking hell. My collagen is so elastic that when new hair grows it stays ingrown unless I manually break my skin with a needle or a pumice stone (no, gentler ways of exfoliation don't work), but shaving isn't ideal either because my skin is, due to my altered collagen too, literally transparent and you can see the roots of my dark hairs under it even if I shave down to accidentally harming my skin with the blade.

Performing femininity at all is just... It's fucking hell. If it's exhausting for able-bodied women, can you imagine what it is like for us? I can barely manage to shower, by the time I'm done with my hair, makeup and outfit, every bit of my very limited energy is depleted and then I still have the rest of the day to go through. And I LIKE being feminine. I like wearing makeup and wearing the outfits I wear and yet I still dread it when I know I'll have to do more than stay in my pajamas at home.

Also, the perceived fragility of disabled women isn't the type of fragility that is seen as desirable in women. It's not delicacy. Wheelchairs, canes and other mobility aids aren't seen as "delicate" or "demure". Neither is kinesio tape, or compression stockings, or any other sort of medical equipment which, on top of it all, tend to not be very "aesthetic". Our fragility isn't the romanticized type, it's the "wow, you're an useless burden who can't serve me the way I expect you to" type.

When it comes to "binary" disabled trans people (for a lack of a better term) the degendering is even more intense than it already is for their cis counterparts (all that I described above applies to them too). There's a dichotomy of the even heavier denial of their actual genders as men and women due to the combination of their transness and disabilities, contrasting with how even if they were to conform to their assigned genders at birth they'd still be seen as failures at it due to everything I've already stated. There's also the sentiment that their identifying outside of their assigned gender at birth is a sort of consolation prize, something they're going for only because they were failing at being proper cis men and cis women, and thus their actual genders are even more invalidated and effectively pathologized in the most medical sense of the word, which is already a problem for all trans people, but for physically disabled trans people this intensifies the problem even more.

When it comes to non-binary disabled people things get so fucking confusing and infuriating. If binary disabled people get denied their manhood and womanhood, best believe that multigender disabled people (bigender, genderfluid, etc) are denied all aspects of their genders even harder. Not even completely agender disabled people are safe from being seen as failures of their gender identities by people who would perfectly respect the identity of an agender but able-bodied person. The fact that the default gendered status of all disabled people is forcefully degendered makes it so agender disabled people aren't seen as having any agency or self-determination in their (lack of or neutral) gender identity, it's seen as a passive inevitability from their embodiment, so it doesn't really "count", while simultaneously being subjected to the general transphobic bullshit any other agender person would be subjected to.

All of these things already affect white, thin and dyadic physically disabled people. When you add race (especially Blackness and/or being dark skinned), fatness and being intersex into the mix, the ways in which we're degendered and misgendered are off the fucking rails.

We can't fucking win.

[doberbutts]

The notes go more into individual studies and cases, but it's a generally known thing that passing for male usually nets you some amount of social benefit, while not passing for male either nets you being treated as a woman (if you pass for female) or completely degendered (if you don't strongly pass for either).

I'm a bit unsatisfied by the survey and study responses because I can tell very easily that these are majority white responders in the quotes pulled from these articles, and it chafes knowing that these are taken as the default when my afroindigenous experience is very different. Folks talk about how they became more respected and valued at work- I was labeled as angry, rude, and disrespectful and then fired for something I didn't even do (it was my white coworker, who got fired too, but it was guilt by association for me bc I was literally just existing at the desk when the inciting incedent happened) (also I don't think it should have resulted in either of us getting fired but what can you do), and the only thing that changed is that I began passing for male easily. I was terminated a week before my initial top surgery date and my old job did not pay out the several weeks of PTO they owed me. We were reported by a white woman coworker and fired at her word with no investigation into the matter.

So like. This is why I'm always on my bullshit about being unsatisfied with the way people talk about privilege and oppression when it comes to gender, because when you are not white and exist across gender lines, these "known" situations tend to break.

Anyway. As I've said in other posts on the subject, I have no problem with the statement that those seen as male receive at least some manner of social, contextual privilege over those seen as female. I just think it is a somewhat incomplete answer, because not every trans man or woman passes, and it leaves out nonbinary people who may or may not even have a binary leaning to their gender (nonbinary man vs nonbinary person). And I think that we have to take other factors into consideration, such as race, class, ability status, body size, etc, because they all have direct effects on what access to male privilege one even has including cisgender heterosexual men. Male privilege isn't something that zaps into your brain the second you start thinking of yourself as he/him- like all privileges it's something rewarded to you by society, and just as easily revoked.

However when it comes to privilege outside of contextual, situational, and purely social interactions, I don't think any one transgender individual or variation has meaningful privilege over any of the others. What I mean by this is: nearly all transgender people in politics have formed a party line that directly benefits the entire trans community, and tend to vote and participate in activism in the same way. I do not see trans men in political seats pushing for policies that exclusively benefit them and hurt the rest of the community, for instance, and the transphobic laws that get passed affect the whole even if they're specifically aimed at one segment or the other.

genuine question. can anyone explain how trans men are privileged above trans women with material examples and without using the blizzard oppression chart or going "it's not bad because you're the one it's happening to"

[that-fictional-dad]

There has been more and more talk on my dash of this community not being inclusive enough. I would like to say a couple things, I am a trans man on the arospec and I’m Nuerodivergent. I more than welcome nonbinary folx and POC to add to this if there's something I miss or couldn’t be as detaied about! I’m mainly trying to start of conversation. Sorry for any typos I’m on my own out here with my issues lmao.

I'm going to start this post by tagging blogs I know of that do masc and non gendered content. @fictionalloversclub @mascxreaders and my blog @not-that-girl-imagines

I do agree, and while I am a huge advocate for "Write for you but warn and tag" which does apply to pronouns. We are still, in fandom as a whole, assuming fandoms are only made up of women who are straight, cis, allo*1, thin and white.

I've often seen people claiming they don't know how to write from a different point of view. So under the cut I'm going to list some ways to make language more neutral you can take the advice or not but there are lots of ways to just “degender” and vague imagines and once you get into a habit of it it's very easy! You don't have to change the entire imagine. You can keep up your storyline 9/10.

I’ve broken this into two sections. gender and appearance. Would love if someone took over this post with a some disability stuff! Also, if anyone who’s nonbinary has any corrections and is willing to make them, I will step aside and let them take the wheel!

Gender:

Crash course in They/Them

She/he was looking for his/her book. -> “They were looking for their book.”

Did you find his/her/their book?

Did you give him/her/them the book?

I’ve read so many fics and things the felt neutral only to get slapped in the face with “she/girl/etc” near the end and a lot of the time it’s pretty avoidable.

"You're the most beautiful girl in the world."/"They thought she was the most beautiful girl in the the world." -> "You're beautiful."/"They thought they were the most beautiful thing in the world"

“The girl I love.” -> “The one/person I love.”

For nickname preferences most pet names aren’t gendered and it’s easy to add both for the ones that are! “Princess” -> “Princess/Prince” Neutral pet names include: babe, baby, sweetheart/sweetie, darling, muffin, honey, sweetroll, muffin.

Appearence Complements: Attractive, lovely, easy on the eyes, stunning, cute. [I am admittedly not as good at complements, so others feel free to add to this!]

Apparence:

“They wrapped their arms around your tiny waist.” -> “They set their hands on your waist.”/”They wrapped their arms around your waist.” If you really want detail, put the detail into the action, not the reader. “They placed their strong hands firmly and surely on your waist.”

Avoid overly describing hair at all. You can play with someone's hair even if it's very short. Some of my f/os often have a buzzcut and I had an IRL boyfriend with really thick curls but I can still run my hand over their hair and give them affection that way.

It's easier in English than you think to adjust even the most gendered of things. I've actually read some pregnancy imagines that never once used a pronoun and I don’t think it was on purpose. Which has been great for a trans guy like me who is interested in having kids using my own anatomy! [But a lot of people aren’t comfortable with that in general, so please put a warning for that kind of stuff!]

Allo is short for “Alloromantic” or “Allosexual” meaning people who do not fall into either the asexual or aromantic spectrums. Simmilar to how Cisgender/Cis is to Transgender/Trans.