#not enough people to talk about my interests with irl
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One part of me yearns to redo my blog and make it more TF2 themed.
While the other likes the distance from gender and personhood that the current set up has. Abe is not so obviously Abe in the comic panel I use, and the background is a creature from Del Toro's Pinocchio.
It does not bind me to gender. It just is.
I both do and don't want to be seen in that light.
I just want to be.
Kind, well meaning, and hoping to help if I can.
I'm here to distance myself from the person I am in the flesh.
So, idk, gender and identity is weird.
God damn me if I ever try to figure out what that means for me irl though.
That is a different person than on here. A person who is stuck between family expectations and how others view me.
It's not like that on here though, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.
#don't think too hard about this please#i use they/them on here#cause I never could irl#at least not easily#some friends respect my wishes#but i have to leave other options open for others#i just mean well#don't necessarily want to be percieved#also am always down to talk#not enough people to talk about my interests with irl#never enough people to do that with#vibe#vent
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It's kinda sad people accept more when I say "I'm not interested in dating" than "I'm aroace" (or similar). They assume the first one is temporary, they can't accept I'm not like them and not liking someone ever doesn't mean something's wrong with me
#hi I havent written stuff here for a while#the previous post I reblogged inspired this#lately my aroace identity has been a secondary characteristic about me#I barely think about it because it's such a passive thing#but yeah#I probably would talk about it more irl if people accepted more and it was more known#the I'm not interested in that stuff is good enough for me to say#and I only actually come out to those I trust the most#aromantic#aro#asexual#ace#aroace
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You ever start actually chasing opportunities that interest you - because it interests you and nobody is telling you to do it? And you keep it quiet because a public failure would sting but it also means no one's telling you "no" or dictating how you should go about it. All of a sudden, the world feels open and free and full of things to try. And now you're falling back on old, self-destructive habits because heaven forbid you actually do well in let alone pursue something you wanted to do. So every day becomes a fight between the hopeful part of yourself that's chasing after dreams despite it all and the scared part of yourself that wants to assure failure to confirm that a dream is only a dream for a reason. How dare I, when I have the means, suddenly try to do the things my younger self was denied? Do things that are ambitious and beyond the expectations set for myself by me and other people? How dare I reach for anything when I should be just comfortable and vaguely dissatisfied?
#t. lee crises#I'd talk about what I'm specifically referencing here#but one of them has been voiced enough that I'm scared any more will jinx it#and the other I absolutely will not say because I'm scared of falling short in it too and or being challenged for trying it#(not by my dear moots ofc but irl people who have an interest in my cookie cutter character)#am I superstitious and possibly paranoid? yes#but so much has failed for me already in recent years#I feel like if I quietly pursue stuff I can lessen any disappointment for myself too if I do fail or it doesn't work out#but also I'll avoid jinxing the opportunities
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im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it
#im in this group chaf and im the only one there that doesnt live in new york snf doesnt know any og them irl and theyall know more and see#it a lot and know about the swing order and i dont and ive been feeling so bad about it and it's been so hard for me and then i have friends#that are clearlv better at fandom in general than me so theyre better at characterisation so if i get criticisrd i just feel Terrible and i#havent properly wtitten in ages caude ive been so worried about my characterisation cause a friend very gently criticised me on my character#isation like 2 months ago and i really look up to this person so now i just cant Do anything#and also the thing that they eere pointing out wad more anothrr friend's thing that i didn't even Like much but if someone talks enough i#can be persuaded to anything and also because im just terrified do i#'ll go along with literally anything just because i dont want poeple to hate me#and it's ruining my enjoyment and i mean i made an au and i was hoping that that would make it so that i could maybe write again but nobody#carrd so now i judt cant#i feel so broken right now#also people that were meant to be &j friends are now friend friends and i mean thats Fine#but i cant! handle it!!!#i cant talk about other things unless it's My other things#and i especially cant talk about five nights at freddy's because i used to be hyperfixated on that so now that im.not i just cant! talk abou#t it! or hear about it!!!#not to mention that that game fucking destroyed my life when i was 9 because everyone liked it but i didn't know what it eas anf they wouldn#t explain so now i judt CANT hear about it!!!!!!#i cant do it i cant. do this#i miss when it brought me so much joy but now i hate talking about it online and i cant do it anymore#i can't pretend to care i can't keep being an &j blog even though i do love it!!!! but i feel so insecure and inferior that i just cant!!!!!#i hate this so mcuh im sorry i needrd to get this out#i dont have anything interesting to say anymore and i mean there's also just like. the whole being autistic thing and not wanting peopel to#judge me for my interests which they have my whole life and now it's too much and i cant care this much anymore. i just can't#i dont have anything to contribute either i cant draw and i can't write anymore and i just dont know what to do#sorry
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Tell me about your OCs! (if you have any)
Good grief I have many an oc… I’ve spoken vaguely about my mains online BUT I keep it vague for privacy stuff lol. The main set are from a story me and a close friend began IRL years ago that was all but abandoned after the pandemic. They aren’t really into it anymore so essentially I’ve been given free reign over them. However… I have no set plan on what we’re gonna do. We both love art so we’ve considered making it into like a webcomic or a book but neither of us know. It’s just this series stuck in my head. I keep things vague with them love in case we ever do get around to making this a real published thing (also because I am… 60% sure said friend has a tumblr and Do Not Want Them To Find Me.)
#i have so many little people and characters in my head from things ive made over the years i love writing#there’s also a book i stopped writing cause my parents got too involved and it wasnt fun anymore but who knows i may finish i have too much#lore in my head.#my notes app is CLUTTERED with ocs and game ideas and comic ideas and book ideas and—#hmmm. ive been working on a new idea for a bit amnd there’s one thing ive had for over a year but it isnt fleshed out enough for me to have#like. oc introductions.#maybe i should finish fleshing out one of these half-finished prompts so i can tumblrify it.#OH AND#i DO have VERY vivid dreams often and if a character appears often I name them#so i guess those people count as ocs?#because theyre dreams they are very strange#i think dreams are so interesting. they can be such a deep dive into your inner self OR just essentially shitposting behind your eyelids#its so cool to me. maybe i should talk about those.#aight chat what do i do. who are my tumblr ocs gonna be.#flesh out the horror idea? flesh out the other milder horror idea? or talk about the dream characters?#those three i havent spoken much of irl who will be my Tumblr Ocs#i love them all so#asks#anonymous#I DID NOT MEAN TO RAMBLE i may screenshot this and make these tags a whole post
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It's so crazy keeping up with the world(news) these days, the amount of things that have happened in such a short period of time lately. As I drove to school this morning, they discussed the possibility of Iran firing missiles at Israel. As soon as I get in my car to drive home, Iran literally retaliated as soon as I turned the radio on. It's all moving so fast
#i miss my middle eastern politics class#its so crazy to think i took that last semester: oh hopefully itll still be relevant!#and now its getting increasingly more tense and dire and i dont have that class as an outlet anymore :/#it was crazy walking in there twice a week like. uhhhhhhhh so what happened#and back then it felt like a lot and now i cant even imagine what it would be like now#i remember the whole thing w israel attacking tehran happened#that was obviously very we walked into class like okay so what happened this wknd#now that event just feels so idk???? not that bad??? comparatively???#i miss that class bcs i liked hearing my prof's takes on it#bcs we're learning abt all this history/context and its developing in real time irl#so id be interested now what he thinks 😭 cause listening to the news isnt enough to grasp it ig#bcs back when tehran was attacked he was like: ....i dont know what to say#so how about now??????#npr made a timeline of whats happened in the past week or so. so fucking insane#i just cant even imagine how he'd address ALL of this#bcs multiple new developments occur every single day. its so scary#also sry cant keep the politics discussion within its getting so much and i dont know where to talk abt it :/#it was interesting reading on reddit but OMG so horrifically biased i cant touch it anymore#also it drives me a bit crazy that theres so many people who just dont pay attention to it AT all#catie.rambling.txt
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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One thing ive been trying to work on is being more outspoken or just speaking in general bc i realize. In a way. Ive used the excuse that nothing i say or do really matters let alone worth mentioning to others, so I just keep quiet and stop posting and talking and messaging people
#and its not on purpose but sitting down and thinking about it i think it just came from how people talked to me as a kid#treated me more like. like there is no reason for me to speak up unless its about my achievements and projects#and if i have none then i have nothing worth saying#and now as an unemployed adult struggling to socialize irl and online. and struggking to do the things i love#i find myself resigning back to complete silence in a way bc i mean what have i done worth mentioning yk#i say “i have to be more annoying” and mean it bc like it sucks seeing i have mutuals i made friends with years ago but im too scared to#actually talk to them. bc again what have i done worth mentioning#idk imma work on this im just thinkin bout shitttt#i just feel like a loser for this sometimes bc im not going to magically become successful and interesting enough#to have worthwhile conversations with others ig#but i can try by just bein ok with bein a lil boring while i work my way back up to being a semi functional adult#mag.txt
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would you include cis people in trans spaces? straight people in gay and bi spaces? no? then why would you include cisgender straight people in les gay bi trans spaces? lgbt aces are lgbt. cisgender straight aces aren't. please be less of a moron.
That wasn’t my question tho. My question was what material gain do you get outta excluding ace and aro people from the community? How does that materially benefit the community as a whole irl and is the political landscape we’re in now appropriate to be doing that in? What makes it serious enough for you to be such a bitch about it?
#and Im so serious like I wanna know#like irl ramifications of ace and aro ppl being considered queer#and i think the comparisons are interesting bc like#im sorry but ‘if we let X happens Y happens’ is not reason enough alone to be such an asshole to me#like if u can’t bring up a reason why that alone is the problem idk man#and like i feel like the aggression is kinda unwarranted but I’ve never let tone stop me from learning so gon ahead#and Im trying my best to be unbiased but the white queer label discourse is so tired to me#but then if this is important and is genuinely impacting the community irl in a dire way I do wanna know#Idk man I just have the ‘theres people dying’ mentality like I think exclusion is just the furthest thing to worry about when bigots see us#all the same#but thats my opinion based on what I know and I’ll admit idk much on the ace discourse#well not from anons side anyways#but like if ur all like this do I wanna know?#yeah tbh go ahead#still think the anon boldness is very funny#don’t be shy let’s talk fr 💀
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sometimes i think about trying dating apps/online dating in general but i don't think i'll be able to attach to a real person again
#cw vent#oversharing#shoutout to the people who ruined it for everyone#like don't get me wrong i want (and probably need) relationships with real people#but how am i supposed to do that when i don't even have the courage to message first#at a glance i seem pretty open and honest about who i am and what i've experienced#but there's a lot of things i'll never talk about. not online or irl.#i can't open up fully to my therapist (who i've had for two or three years at this point)#so how am i ever going to have normal relationships?#there's people both online and irl actively trying to befriend me but i don't know how to react#how can i trust them?#i feel like they don't know me well enough to want to be my friend but how are they supposed to know me if i never talk to them#i think the biggest problem is i don't know what's appropriate to discuss. (<- autistic)#i always accidentally overshare or talk too much and become annoying or make them uncomfortable etc#and i can't talk about my interests over and over because it'll get repetitive and annoying#and no one cares anyway.#about any of it tbh. i'll be honest and say that humans are very self-centered.#we want relationships to make OURSELVES feel better#i'm convinced no one actually cares about me and they just want to talk to me because i'm cool#they're not looking for anything mutually fulfilling. they're not looking for anything meaningful or long-term.#they just want short term pleasure#and i'll be honest. so do i. i'm not going to be around for much longer so it's all i can get.#i'll likely kill myself before next year is over and no one's going to miss me#can't say i blame them. i don't think i'd miss anything.
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you know what maybe i am the problem but at least i don’t get hurt or stabbed in the back anymore bc i’m the only person i rely on so what about it
#@ my therapist#we were talking about why i don't have friends lmao#i said it's the trust issues and she says it's bc i'm selfish#like girl if trying to protect myself is selfish then yeah i'm fucking selfish#yeah i'm gonna act in my own self interest and not befriend someone who's giving me bad vibes#also i don't go places where i would make friends#i don't have in person classes#i don't go out places#where am i supposed to find people with common interests to vibe with#like girl i do not have the time to be joining clubs#yes that's on me#but also i don't care for the most part#is it lonely? yes#do i really wanna do anything about it? kinda but not enough to actually do it#i try to make friends i just don't click with most people or like them enough to wanna hang out outside of wherever i met them#i have three friends irl and two of them are like just barely so. it be like that
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Tag people you'd like to know better
i was tagged by @chogiwah 😙💕 thanks bestie
Last Song: Before the Dawn by Infinite
Currently Watching: Boss-dol Mart (i only just started last night bc ive been busy but its super fun i love it so far)
Currently Reading: Seize the Time by Bobby Seale (i mostly read non fiction so im boring lol but this is a great read esp if you need more knowledge of the black panthers which ofc more people do need)
Current Obsession: my sister is replaying Corpse Party for the first time in years since its spooky season and i havent thought about it since Corpse Party: Blood Drive came out (which was absolute garbage) so ive been thinking about all of it (the characters, the themes, how it could be improved, how i wish i could fight the creator bc hes such a creep (if you know the game and manga you know what im talking about), all that jazz)
tagging @littlesunshinedae @cxsmicmyeon @baldyeosang @chaelinsbitch @saintloey @his-mochi-cheeks @amaranth @queenrendezvous @jonginnation @colognedecigarette and ofc anyone else who wants to just say that i tagged you thats just who i thought of while im on break at work lol
#im also really on a monsta x binge atm so ig im obsessed with them but i always am so ig its just a lil more than usual#also whenever someone asks me for book recs i always have to preface that i dont read much fiction so id only rec non fiction#and most people are like oh nevermind lol#but yeah i like history and i like biographies (and autobiographies like the one im reading now) i know im boring ive always been like this#things that have happened irl have always interested me more than fantasy even as a little kid so#plus i was one of those nerds whos favorite subject was history so#but history can be so interesting if you look for those stories long enough#anyway enough of my rambling thank you for tagging me lol#if anyone is interested in the things ive listed here please send me an ask or a dm im always willing to talk about my interests#even if its non kpop related idc its my blog#okay im done lol#tag game
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the only irl friend I have that I feel comfortable actually talking about the things I enjoy with just insulted me for gushing about smth to her over snap last night and now I want to cry
#this is going in the tags bc it’s stupid but it’s making me sad so#the only irl friend I have that I actually felt comfortable sharing my interests with just made fun of me#for gushing to her about smth over snap last night#and I’m at work rn so I can’t even cry bc in a few minutes I’m back out on the floor#but just like. I think I have rsd (especially around my interests and then my intelligence but that’s not pertinent here)#so I’ve never really been super open about what things interest me bc when I get made fun of for it or those things get insulted#It really hurts#the only people I’ve really felt comfortable opening up to are like. Sid obv and then this one friend of mine#bc the two of us found out we shared some interests and started like. telling each other about other things we like#I’d tell her about my silly little tv shows and podcasts and she’d tell me about the movies and books she was into#and I’ve explained to her before how I’ve never really been comfortable enough to talk about that shit and how I appreciated her being kind#and not insulting me like other people have in the past#but today I’m sitting on break and watching the replies she sent me and one of them is just a clip in response to my video from last night#where she just goes ‘girl I literally don’t care’ (and this was not in a joking way like that was her response#and it was in a tone that implied ‘so shut up about it’)#and like I get it! I am often not interested in the things that people tell me about! but I try to be earnest and engaged#and I can understand loving smth and wanting to share it with others! and how it sucks when people are then mean about it!#like when she tells me about a teen drama romance book or sends me instagram reels of cake decorating I try to respond with enthusiasm!#bc while the content may not interest me I like hearing about the things she enjoys and I’m glad she feels open to telling me about stuff!#but now I don’t want to share shit with her anymore bc this has given me a huge spike in anxiety and I feel like shit#idk. it’s stupid but it sucks#vent#ig
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It'd be nice not to feel like shit literally every night right before going to bed :(
#personal#negative#vent#i wish i were normal and went to sleep at a normal time for a normal amount of hours and had a normal amount of energy#and had normal feelings about normal stuff and were able to do normal things like talk to people i don't know irl#and be productive and shit and age appropriate development milestones and control my interests or something#idk. whatever normal people do#beyond that in fact. i don't just wish i were a normal person i wish i were a good one#i wish i deserved what i have and didn't constantly want to give up or at least turn off my feelings#i feel like i'm beyond help and no one believes me and that makes it feel worse lmao#honestly i don't actually believe normal people don't feel this way this often. idk. pretty sure they just don't say it#anyways sorry for venting and being cynical. is it late enough at night that i'm allowed to vent on main guiltlessly? i hope so#might delete later
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I'll never forget when i was discussing self reliance by Waldo Emerson with my teacher and it evolved into well-needed deep conversations about media literacy and pro/anti-ship debates found online
#it was nice talking to someone who was outside of my hyper online bubble and have them be earnestly-not bad faith-interested in the#complexities of it#and she also brought up the very real topic of being self reliant enough to stand on 10 toes and believe in your beliefs#(whether considered right or wrong by the general populous u inhabit)#and cool topics on whether fiction effects reality etc etc#i wish i could have these genuine conversations with people bc it IS and interesting topic boiled down to them vs us debates#like can we talk about ideas of censorship and when does something become a slippery slope authoritarian kinda thing#and if the slippery slope fallecy is even a valid thing to work off of in both sides of the debate#(antis saying that depending on how degenerate a piece of media u like to consume can make you spiral and impact real life people and thing#or pros saying how the very idea of wanting to censor certain type of media based on how others feel about it is authoritarian and fascist#by nature and can be seen in things like modern day book banning)#interesting stuff tbh!#ship discourse#but i can also say as soon as I log out idc about this stuff?#the only ppl irl who ik care about this stuff are people my own age who are also hyper online#like a microcosm of fandom most people will never interact with aha#rant.txt
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🤔
#Midnight rambles#But have you ever met someone so charismatic in every single way#Especially in the way they talk and react to everything… they get you to be interested in the things that feel sucks to you at first#I know 2 ppl who r like that… Rainychan and DuckKing#Like Rainychan is into a franchise i thought i’d never even take one look at#I’m not into mmd-like model and especially stuffs that don’t have both good charadev and plot#But now i’m chatting w/ her on a daily basis about her fav chara 😭 In 200⬆️ words paragraph. And about 20 paragraphs/ time#And DuckKing is like… a simple-minded person (not narrow-minded tho.)#Her bluntness and creativity never failed to give everyone a good laugh#I like how she do word-play… It’s simply using a bunch of onomatopoeias or homonyms to replace the original word without concerning about#-that word’s meaning. But it’s extremely unexpected and hilarious#She got me interested in silly podcasts about her daily life also#Her way of telling story is amusing enough but the situations r even funnier. I guess peculiar people do attract similar peculiar things hu#Anw… these two have the kind of energy that makes ppl want to flock to them immediately… I rarely encounter anyone like that irl…#Rainychan’s distant attitude and Duckking’s explosive energy#It is indeed strange… even celebrities can’t make me go like this#There’s also this one (my adoptive father who is also a girl) i called Papi too (her name is Sunny-side-up)#We all get along well with each others but most of the time it’s me having convo with Rainy and Sunny w/ Duck#Cuz my energy matches Rainy’s and same to the other pair#(Tho mine & Sunny’s r a lot more lowkey. Sunlight on a winter day and moonbeam. And the other two just shine like the real planets)#The fact that i don’t believe in “-at first time” and was able to encounter these two individuals
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