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candlewaxandp0lar0ids · 1 year ago

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this is halloween || felix x reader

Summary: Felix's world is filled with nightmarish, energy-stealing creatures that others cannot see. In this cold, dark world that's made him who he is, you're the only thing that's warm and bright.

Word count: 4k

Genres: and they were roommates, urban fantasy

Warnings & Tags: angst, bad boy!felix (ish), non-descriptive sex scene (rated M), hurt/comfort (i think?), horror themes though nothing gets too explicit, potentially disturbing descriptions of monsters

A/N: Third installment in my Halloween mini-series, or: the author has whump!felix brain-rot and insists on making it everyone else's problem

I.N. · Seungmin

Felix walks like he has nowhere to go and no one to come home to. Hands in his pockets, shoulders lax, leaning back, lollipop stick between his lips, leisurely pace, eyes straight ahead. He looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world, not in a light-hearted, innocent, naïve way, but in a nonchalant, bored, cynical approach. Truth be told though, you would be closer in saying that the world does not care for him. Of that he’s well-aware.

He sees it in the looks he get by the well-meaning, law-abiding citizens that naturally make way for him, scared away by his long, bleached blonde hair, his ripped jeans or his leather jacket. He heard it in the whispers about the ‘problem child’, his mother’s crying, all of his teachers’ stern tone as they told him he needed to stop causing issues. He felt it in the way people tense around him, in how they changed their attitude once the atmosphere he brought with him everywhere he went settled on them and started eating at them the same way it cannibalized on him.

More than anything, he knows the world does not care because, as the tentacles of the creature that latched on to him earlier today tighten on his shoulders, as he crosses path with a disembodied, rotting ghoul that leaves a trail of mold behind it, as he notices from the corner of his eyes the nightmarish swirl high up in the sky of bat-like hope-eaters, if the world did care, he would not have been cursed with the ability to see all of these things when no one else did.

He rolls one of his shoulders, trying to make the grip looser. It works, barely, but all he can do is hope that it didn’t spark the creature’s interest. If there’s one thing he’s learned, in his years of life with this this accursed talent, it is that it is never a good idea to catch their interest. It’s not like there are no ways of getting rid of them once you do, but the ones he’s found have always been long and painful and he’s not in the mood for fighting tonight.

He picks up the pace to make it to the other side of the street, and gets a rush of fresh air when, for a second, the entity lets go of him. It doesn’t last. It gets its hold back on him, and he grits his teeth to make it less obvious how aware he is of it. Other people don’t realize it when those things happen, not as acutely. They get tired, they get depressed, they might get sick, but they don’t know. He does.

It’s no trouble for him to get into the building he was headed towards. The crowd of people in disguises doesn’t resist him any more than that of the commuters. Behind him, the entity shrinks itself to follow him inside. He doesn’t look up at it, doesn’t want to. The disgusting mass of tentacles that part only to reveal a wide mouth filled with too many teeth aren’t any worse than the shit he deals with every day, but it’s not a sight you get used to. Not fully.

He climbs the stairs that are filled with drunk college students, chatting college students, laughing college students. Some of them have gone heavy on the make-up, but none of them, not even the ones that tried their hardest to paint gaping wounds on their faces, get close to his reality. It’s probably better off that way.

Finally, he gets to the apartment for the party you’ve asked him to come to. Well, that’s not exactly how it went — you said ‘I’d love it if you were here’, ‘You don’t have to’, and when you’d last seen him ‘I’ll see you tonight?’ in a hopeful tone that had gone right to his heart. He gets some looks as he gets in. Some of them are interested ones. He’s well-aware that people find him attractive, that the energy that surrounds him works as a magnet on some. He also knows that it doesn’t do people any good to be around him. It’s not long before the creatures start wearing them down, digging black circles under their eyes, hollowing their cheeks. Turns out, Felix is shockingly resistant to all that shit, insistent on surviving it. Ha. What a fucking joke.

He finds you on the edge of a room, chatting with a few people. You’re dressed as a witch, long black dress, hoops earrings, a black, pointy hat on your head. Your signature big, round glasses, are perched on your nose.

When you spot him, you wave him over, and he comes without giving it a second thought.

“You made it!” you chirp. You wrap one of your hands around his arm to pull him in the small circle, and he almost shivers at your touch. You’re warm. Felix’s world is cold, energy sucked out of it by more monstrous beings that he’ll ever meet. Other people are always warmer than he is. The difference is, you don’t get drained around him. “That’s Felix,” you introduce him to the others. “My roommate.”

Felix sees their faces light up in recognition. Obviously, they've heard about him before. There’s a short round of introduction from their side before they resume to their previous conversation.

“I’m getting something to drink,” he tells you, leaning in to speak in your ear, both because he likes the way you react and because the music’s so loud. “You want some?”

A smile, you shake your head. Your hand brushes against his back as he leaves and fuck, it’s embarrassing that he knows that this is what will keep him going. He glances in your direction as he walks away, checking that nothing that was following him has attached itself to you. It hasn’t. There’s an entity curled lazily against the ceiling, dipping long, skinny tentacles around the room, feeding on the energy, but you and your group seem to be mostly left alone. It makes him feel more relieved than it should, and he hates that he knows it’s less because you’re safe and more because he thinks it would kill him if he lost your warmth and the safety you provide him.

You’d come in his life as a blessing with no warning. He had recently been evicted and was couch-surfing in other people’s apartments when Wooyoung had first mentioned your name to him. You had a free room, he’d said. You were looking for a new person to fill it, he’d said. You were ‘a bit shy, but sweet’, he’d said. Felix had not thought for a second that it would work out. It never did. He’d be lucky if he found a one-bedroom apartment with no heating in the shittiest area of the city.

Then he’d met you and had immediately distrusted your soft, distant attitude, the way you wouldn’t meet his eyes and how you shrunk yourself around him. You wouldn’t last, he thought, but since you didn’t oppose his presence, he had accepted the offer. Even if you threw him out two weeks later, that was two weeks of security that he usually wasn’t afforded.

That had been a year ago now.

As he grabs himself a beer — he’s learned the hard way that it’s better to stay sharp when you’re affected by his, ah, condition — he finds it hard not to find you in the room. No matter how much he tries, his eyes always land back on you. The only way to escape you is to move to another room, so he does, because he finds it fucking embarrassing, how affected he is by you, and because he never loses the nagging fear that the things that follow him around will latch on to you.

When he lands on the couch, he feels the creature tightening his grip on his arms. He grits his teeth as the cold bites him harder, as everything feels a little darker around him. Shit, that thing isn’t letting up. He takes a sip of beer, ignores the gargoyle perched on a girl’s shoulder, the imp lying on a dude’s head. He’s been long forced into indifference about these things. He can’t make a difference anyway, he’d know, he’s tried it before, so why bother? He doesn’t know them, and they’d leave him to die in the gutter if they were given the chance. He won’t dedicate a second of the energy he could use on saving himself on them.

There’s a blur of time and movement, before, eventually, you fall on the couch next to him, and his world takes colors again.

“Long day?” you ask with a sympathetic frown.

He scoffs. He only ever has long days.

“Yeah,” he just says. “You?”

A shrug.

“It was fine, actually. I’m just… not a huge Halloween fan.”

The mundane of the conversation is such a hard punch to the gut. He’d talk about how his day’s gone and how you feel about things all the goddamn time if he could.

“Why not?”

You lean closer against him, your shoulder brushing against his. He shifts so the creature doesn’t touch you. He should move away completely, he knows, that’d be the safe thing to do. He just doesn’t have the strength for it.

“It feels a bit like a circus,” you say, sounding pensive. “I get that people want to enjoy a party though, it’s not that deep, just— my family’s pretty big on traditions, it’s a big symbolic date for them. It’s weird to see other people treat it so differently, but it’s just my hang-up, you know. I don’t want to make it anyone else’s problem.”

It’s one of those things you keep bringing up, this nebulous part of your life, the ‘family’ that he’s never seen around. You’re not on speaking terms, as far as he knows, but you never bring them up, and he doesn’t ask. It’s funny, how you’re the one who visibly walks on egg-shells at all times yet he’s sure he’s more afraid of losing you than you him.

Then his phone vibrates in his pocket. He wishes he could ignore it, but it’s not a luxury he has these days. One glance at the screen, and he feels his heart freeze over. He looks up, and on the other side of the room, there’s Hyesung, staring and with a tight, forced smile on his lips. He would look perfectly inconspicuous, a young man in a sea of young people, if not for the winged demon hovering above him, its tentacles reaching out towards different members of the crowd. Unlike the entities Felix has seen around on his way here, this one is more defined, closer to representations of demons you find in human art. He knows that these things are far more of a threat than the abominations like the one feeding off of him right now.

Shit. Shit. Felix wasn't supposed to run into anyone from that group tonight. He was supposed to be around you, and normal people, and get to fucking breathe. But now, not only has Hyesung seen him, but he's looking at you with intrigued eyes, and that's about the worst thing that could happen.

Felix stands up, grabbing your hand to pull you with him.

“Let's go home,” he throws to you over his shoulder as he starts pushing his way through people without paying much attention to them.

“Already?” you ask, confused, though you don't resist him. “But you just got here.”

It wouldn't be a lie if he told you that as far as he's concerned, he saw you, which was all he cared about, but he doesn't say that.

“Not a huge fan of this crowd,” he says instead, which isn't a lie either, considering Hyesung is part of it.

“Oh,” is your answer, right as you reach the door to the apartment. Just a few more steps and you'll both be out of here, and able to find a better place to be.

If fucking Hyesung didn't appear in front of it with that superior, fake smile again.

“Long time no see, Felix,” is the first thing that make it past his lips, and Felix hears the jab for what it is. It's true that he hasn't showed up at the Headquarters in a while, true, too, that he hasn't participated much in Venom's activities as of late. Hasn't wanted to, nor felt the need to do it. When he'd joined, he had been enticed by the promise of a place free of the monsters. Knowing that he'd have to do some unsavory stuff to get it had seemed a low, low price to pay then.

A price that hadn't stopped growing since. He'd taken the wrong bargain, and now he couldn't back out. It'd be fine; he'd pay it again, he'd pay twice the price later on. He had no illusions on his ability to escape punishment. Others might have that kind of luck, but he didn't, he never had.

He just had to make sure that you wouldn't be around when he paid for it.

When Hyesung tilts his head to get a better look at you and his lips stretch out into a wider smile, one that is unsettlingly cheerful.

“Hi, I don't think we've met, I'm—”

“Yeah,” Felix interrupts him, taking a threatening step towards him without letting go of you. “You haven't met.”

Hyesung's expression shifts. Above him, the demon gives a lazy flap of wings. Felix doesn't have long.

He feels you squeeze his hand, and your silent support allows him to breathe in again. He hasn't even explained anything to you, yet you're giving him your trust, and that makes him feel like he can fly. Which is more or less the kind of miracle he's going to need if he wants to make it out of here.

Demons, like the kind hanging above Hyesung's head, are somewhat able to interact with the physical world. The others are here, but they can't do anything, can't move objects, definitely can't make humans do things. Demons... might. It's not true of all of them, but Felix suspects that Hyesung's climbed the hierarchy within Venom high enough that his companion is one of the powerful ones. It makes him dangerous. It also makes him easier to outrun.

He tightens his grip on you. He can only hope you're ready.

“I'm just trying to make a new friend!” Hyesung says with dishonest warmth. “You know, we're always looking for people to join—”

When Felix's fist catches him in the jaw, he really, really should have seen it coming. After pulling that kind of shit, it's 100% on him if it caught him by surprise. It seems to, since he stumbles back as conversations around you quiet down and all eyes focus on the three of you — the three of you others can see, that is. Felix has no intention of sticking around to entertain though, and next thing he knows, he's running.

He feels the brush of the demon, feels the mouthy abomination's tentacle push him off as if to say 'hey that one's mine', which, ha, isn't that ironic. He doesn't doubt that the demon could kill the other thing in a fight, but it slows him down enough that, when Felix flies down the stairs with you in tow, it's not right behind him, and that's all he needs. It's not his first rodeo.

You certainly keep up surprisingly well, considering this isn't a daily occurrence for you. You also don't seem to hesitate as Felix darts into an alley way and presses you against a door. He doesn't have long, the abomination makes him too easy to spot, but that doesn't mean he's going to drag you with him.

“Go back to the apartment,” he orders, urgency in his voice. “Don't go back in there, okay? I'll meet you there.”

“But what about—”

“I've got this,” he promises, and no matter how tired he gets, it's still the truth. He's always made it out okay. There's no reason for this to be any different.

“Be careful,” you whisper. He wishes you hadn't, because, fuck, how he's supposed to not give in now?

He kisses you, hard and rough, tries to get everything he can out of that stolen moment. You're soft and warm against him. He wants to melt into you and never have to step foot into his life again. Instead, he tears himself from you as you gasp for air.

“Go home,” he tells you again, and then he takes off. The demon takes the bait, passes by you without even seeing you, and Hyesung isn't far behind.

As Felix runs for his life, the thought that in doing that, he's keeping you safe, gives him, for the first time in forever, someone to run home to.

It's late when he makes it back to the apartment. His legs carry him more out of habit than through conscious thought — of that, he doesn't have much left. A fresh burn, left by the demon, runs over his forearm. Over him, the abomination's worse for the wear, but it's refused to let go of him through the entirety of the run, and it fought like hell to keep him to himself, when the demon briefly caught up.

Eventually, Felix managed to lose him by barreling through one of these tight alleys filled with shops. The obstacles both on the floor and in the air had allowed him to effectively get rid of both the demon and the human and as far he knows, they don't know where he lives. Not yet anyway. He didn't know how long he still had for that. He knows that he can't let that aspect of his life catch up with you but, fuck, he thinks it just might kill him. To know that he had you and to now lose you again— he doesn't know how he's supposed to ever get over it.

His feet slowly take him up the stairs, dragging more and more until finally he grabs the doorknob. Almost immediately, the door's pulled open, and you're there, standing in front of him, taking him in, eyes searching his face first, then the rest of his body. Finally relief overtakes you and you pull him inside.

Behind him, the tentacles snap one by one as he walks through the door. The last few ones still holding on break off when the door closes. That is another one of the miracle, one he cannot explain. Going to sleep used to be the worst part of his day, the one when he knew he'd have to close his eyes despite the fact that the monsters were all around him, feeding off of him. He'd have to feel his energy being slowly depleted as he laid there, desperate for sleep to take him so he could wake up without feeling rested.

The monsters never come in here. He doesn't know why. It's not quite the first time he's seen it; clearly some people are less targeted than others. As far as he's concerned, you are the one that keeps the monsters at bay, and that's why, as your hands reach up for his face like you want to check that he really is there, that he's safe, whispering quiet 'thank you's under your breath he, once more, cannot hold back.

His fingers wrap around your wrists, because he'll crumble if you keep touching him like that, and he kisses you again. He's got less adrenaline in his system, so it's not as harsh as the previous one, and you meet all of his desperation with softness. You intertwine your fingers with his, let him take the lead. You whimper when one of his cold hands sneaks under your shirt, brushing against the hot skin of your stomach.

“Sorry,” he mumbles into your lips, without taking his hand off, and then he kisses you again.

You both stumbles through the hallway before your back hits the door to your room. That is always where the two of you end up on nights like these. Not that he gets chased home that often, but on the nights when he just can't resist the thought of having you, it's on your bed that the two of you come crashing down. Neither of you ever speaks of these nights. He makes sure he's gone by the time you wake up, and he's not in a situation where he can be the person you deserve. You have nothing to do in his world anyway, you're an anomaly, a miracle that a God who took pity on him must have wanted to send his way.

He always wonders if you know how badly he cares, if you know you're the only one for him. He wonders if he should tell you he loves you, or if it would be unfair to you, when he knows he won't stay around in your world for long.

So as he strips you of your clothes with feverish hands, presses biting kisses against your neck while you arch into him, whines and whimpers falling from your lips, he does his best to let you know. 'I love you', his careful movements say as he kneels between your legs. 'I love you', his eyes when he takes in your panting silhouette. 'I love you', his open-mouthed kisses trailing down all over your body.

He revels in the way your body trembles under his tongue, and when he finally pushes into you with a grunt, no matter how much he tries to keep himself from falling deeper into you, he can't help it anymore. You push yourself on your elbows, fingers tracing his jaw, and you pull him in for a kiss, and Felix is just gone. You're too soft, too caring, too good for him.

Later, with his arm wrapped around you, while you're lying on his chest and he's letting his fingers run over your back, he hears his own voice rise up in your room.

“You're not going to ask? About earlier?”

There's a long silence. He wonders if you've fallen asleep.

“Do you want me to?” you ask after long seconds have passed by, your voice quiet.

He— He's not sure, if he's being honest. He, selfishly, wants you to care. He wants you to want to know. But if you do, if you find out about everything that crawls and flies and walks in this world by your side without you being able to see them, if you're pulled in his world in worse ways, it will only ever hurt you. No good can come out of it.

He's mulling over it when you look up at him.

“If you tell me, you'll regret it when you wake up.”

There's such sadness in your voice that he feels like he's just been kicked in the chest. He's sure that you're talking about how he flees in the morning, how he never talks about these late nights, how distant he can be. He doesn't want you to feel that way. He doesn't want you to think, even for a second, that it's your fault.

Because it's all too much, because he can't tell you all that, because he knows the words will come out all wrong if he tries, he kisses you again, and he can only pray that you can tell from the strength of it, from how he cradles your face. You let yourself sink into his kiss and into his arms.

“I never regret it,” he tells the room much, much later, in the dead of night, when your breathing is even. And his voice cracks when he tests the way other words sound said aloud for the very first time.

“I love you.”

so this felix is very similar to my jealousy, jealousy felix but this is a story that i've had in mind for an eternity. i absolutely loved writing it, felt fun going for something outside of my comfort zone. i don't know yet if i'll write more for this universe. would love to know your thoughts on it since this story was very precious to me, and if you don't feel like leaving a comment, please consider reblogging to help the story circulate <3

permanent taglist: @lethallyprotected @jisuperboard

#felix x reader #lee felix x reader #lee yongbok x reader #stray kids imagine #skz imagine #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #felix imagine #felix angst #stray kids angst #skz angst #candywrites

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veryajunice · 9 months ago

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i couldn't watch the documentary without crying. my xuxi... i really don't know what to say, it hurts so much. literally he said that he wanted to die. what if it had happened? what if he had committed suicide? all the stupid creatures would have loved him and been sorry for him if that had happened, right? but after a incident like that, every single those cruel who caused it would have been an 'angel' and said things like "we love you, we are so sorry, we'll miss you etc." right? after it was all over, we would literally have lost someone because of the bullshit they said without knowing anything about the truth. like what happened to moonbin, to sulli, to jonghyun, to hara and to more innocent and beautiful people like them... you remember how they left us? yeah because of some human garbage saying bad things about them, causing them for nothing and bullying them for no reason. what if we had lost one more person again, how would you live with it? even one word you say can change someone's life in every way, you know? a word can make a person live or a word can cause their end...

he was a sunshine but they stole his brightness. he lost his precious smile since then, he looks so fucking tired. when he said he couldn't eat for a while or lost his hair, i couldn't help myself crying, i felt so bad for him. and maybe some people don't know that but every single thing he said he had been through during his hiatus like not getting out of bed or losing appetite etc. are literally major depression symptoms... and it's so sad to see that someone who has the brightest smile like him was in depression like for 6 months or maybe longer... guys, he is a HUMAN like me like you like us.

a fucking stupid sasaeng ruined his life and the most heartbreaking part is that people believed that bich not him and forced him to apologise for something he even hadn't done. and the funnier thing is the "company" haven't done any single thing about it, hah- ah sorry wait the company has done something, right?! yeah just have made him apologise to this shit again and again. even he himself exposed that person, yeah because our really thoughtful (!) company never takes action. so he had to get his life in order.

and the other heartbreaking thing is when he said "i really want to be with them". lucas has always been the sunshine of the group, the mood maker of the group, the giant baby of the group... he has been there for every single of them since the beginning. and actually he still is as we have seen even though the company tried so hard to not make him obvious with a mask and a beanie lol. but you know how nct members are important to him and how he is important to the members. i really don't know how they felt about this situation... especially every wayv member, mark, haechan, chenle, renjun, taeyong and jungwoo. they all couldn't say anything about it and forced to act like nothing happened. but at least it still makes me happy to see them together and supporting each other no matter what.

though everything has been hard, my baby is so strong. i'm so glad he opens his heart to us and sharing hard times he went through. maybe we failed to protect the most loving person, our sunshine but i'm sure he will get over every single bad thing. because he has his fans, his friends, his members... i hope everything will be better for him. he deserves the world. we still love you like the first day our little giant baby. i want to see you smiling brightly again. we care about you a lot, darling. we love you wong yukhei. and i'm looking forward to seeing your new activities! fighting my man!

and one more thing... AAAAY YOOO LUCAS HAS COME BACK TO ATE THE INDUSTRY LIKE HE DID BEFORE BITCHES AND HE IS SO FREAKING GOOD WITH LONG HAIR WHAT THE HAECCKKK OAHH MY GODFD

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st-eve-barnes · 2 years ago

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Unfinished sympathy

(Modern Aegon x fem Reader)

Summary: You broke up with Aegon months ago but he can't move on, and maybe neither can you.

Word count: +2200

Warning: Mentions of depression and drinking. This is pure comfort fluff with a tiny bit of angst.

Seeing Aegon cry just melts my heart, okay, I know he has issues but we'll leave those in canon. This modern Aegon is just a sad, depressed puppy who needs love.

***

All my fics are also on AO3

***

If Aegon had learned one thing from a very young age it’s that people always leave. Whether it was his father, who never cared for him, or his mother, who had high hopes for her son he was never able to fulfill. Even his brother and eventually his sister grew tired of having to deal with him and his moods.

But then he met you, and for a while things were better than ever. He made you laugh and you made him fall so deeply in love with you. The world was softer then, more colorful and he actually started to have hope again.

But of course it didn’t last.

That’s another thing Aegon had learned from a very young age, he would always fuck up a good thing.

He just didn’t know how to stop, how to change, grow up and be like everybody else. It just wasn’t in his DNA.

And fuck it, he didn’t want to be like everyone else. People were sad and cruel creatures, life an endless cycle of the same boring days repeated over and over. It was eating at his soul.

Drinking helped. Sex did as well. He got addicted to both. But the cure was only temporary, and always left him wanting more. Left him needing what he couldn’t have anymore. You.

He watched you from the sidelines tonight, watching as you danced with him. Too close, too cozy, his hands all over you and the shy, sweet smile on your face showing not the slightest objection.

Aegon forced himself to look away. He knew he shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be following you around like this, like a love sick puppy that couldn’t move on. But what else could he do?

You found him sitting on your doorstep when you arrived home later that night.

He had his face hidden in his hands and when he looked up you saw he’d been crying.

”Gods, not again,” you sighed.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he tried to smile at you but it only made him look more miserable.

You grabbed your keys from your purse and walked up to the door, fully planning on ignoring him. “This isn’t your apartment anymore, Aegon, you can’t keep coming here every time you’re drunk.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” he stood and met your eyes,”I’m not drunk. I swear.”

It only took you a few seconds to know he wasn’t lying, you’d seen him drunk on too many occasions to know tonight wasn’t one of them. Your initial irritation faded a little bit. “What are you doing here then?”

“My head’s really bad tonight,” he confessed, rubbing more tears from his face,”really bad and…I just can’t stomach being alone right now, can I…please just stay for a while? Please.”

You sighed again. You knew you should say no, you couldn’t keep doing this, taking him in every time he had another breakdown. But this was Aegon, your Aegon. You would never be able to find it in your heart to turn him and his sad puppy eyes away.

“Yeah, okay, fine,” you caved,”Come on up.”

***

The warmth coming from your fireplace was soothing and comforting, the rest of the room was dark and Aegon couldn’t stop looking at the moving flames right in front of him. You sat down next to him on the floor and handed him a cup of tea.

“Thanks,” he spoke quietly,” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your night.”

“You didn’t, my night was over anyway.”

He looked away from the fire to meet your eyes, his gaze soft and filled with that all too familiar mix of sad and troubled with a little hint of mischievous.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, how all he had to do was look at you with those big doe eyes and your heart would go all weak for him again.

He was bad for you, you knew that and breaking up with him all those months ago had been the smart thing to do, the only thing to do to protect your own heart. But some part of you still missed him every day, and it killed you to see him struggle, no matter how self-inflicted his issues were.

“You look really great, by the way,” Aegon pulled you from your thoughts,”And happy, really happy, I mean, you’re practically glowing.”

“That’s just the reflection of the fireplace,” you joked and he laughed softly.

“Well, It looks good on you,” he continued,” And I’m…I’m happy for you.”

For a moment you just looked at him.

“You’re still a bad liar,” you then smiled.

Aegon shook his head and the smile faded.”And you still see right through me, huh?”

“Always.”

You both stayed quiet then.

“Are you?” he then asked.

“What?”

“Happy?”

Your eyes met his and you couldn’t lie, not when he was looking at you like that.

You shook your head,”No, but…I’m okay.”

“What about that guy you’ve been seeing?” he asked carefully.

“I’m not seeing him, it’s just a casual thing…he’s not…it’s nothing."

He’s not you, is what you’d wanted to say but you bit your tongue and swallowed those words.

“It’s none of my business anymore, I know,” Aegon sighed,”It’s…god, fuck, I shouldn’t even be here, should I?”

“Why are you here, Aegs?”

A hint of a smile tugged at his lips at your nickname and you instantly regretted it. You shouldn’t have said it, you didn’t want him to think…

“You’re the only home I know,” he then whispered, interrupting your thoughts,”My head gets bad and…all I can think about is…how badly I want to disappear into your arms. It’s the only place I feel…”

When you looked at him you could see the tears in his eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, wiping his tears before they could fall down,”I know I shouldn’t say those things anymore, I just…I can’t fucking move on from you. I tried, I really fucking tried but…and then I saw you with him tonight and I…”

He bit his lip to stop himself from blurting out more things he would probably regret later.

“You followed me again?” you asked, disappointed but not surprised, it wasn't the first time you’d accidentally ran into him and you knew it wouldn’t be the last.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed.

“Gods help me, Aegon, what am I going to do with you?” you sighed.

“Oh, the gods don’t want me anymore, baby. My own family doesn’t even want me anymore,” he chuckled sadly before meeting your eyes, letting his gaze linger as he added in a soft whisper,”But you still do, don’t you?”

You wished it wasn’t true, wished that you could listen to your head instead of your heart and save yourself the inevitable heartbreak that would surely follow, if it wasn’t today or tomorrow then further down the road. There was no happy ending with Aegon, you knew this.

But it didn’t matter, you couldn’t deny the way your heart was aching for him.

“Yes,” you confessed with a defeated sigh,” Yes, I still do.”

Aegon’s hand reached for yours, holding it in his for a moment before he pulled you into his space. You went willingly, letting your body lean against his, your head on his shoulder while his arm wrapped around you and his hand started caressing your hair.

“I miss you,” he whispered against your ear,”You have no idea how much I fucking miss you.”

You sighed into his touch, realizing how much you had missed him as well but you didn’t say anything, you just wrapped your arm around his waist and hugged him closer. Aegon melted into you, his face buried into your hair while he breathed you in.

Tears filled his eyes again but they were not of sadness this time. Your smell, your presence, your obvious affection for him warmed his heart and just like that he could slowly see some color seeping into his world again. Every touch from you chasing away part of the darkness that’s been following him like a shadow for as long as he could remember.

You hugged him tighter and let him cry in your arms, meanwhile losing yourself in his embrace and the way his hands made you feel so safe and needed.

This was the thing with Aegon, when things were good they were really fucking good. After those first months together you were convinced you would never want or need another man again. You two were so happy you didn’t know what you had done to deserve him.

But then things changed, he’d started feeling insecure, going out more and drinking more, feeling depressed whenever he came down from his highs and blaming it all on you.

The breakup was ugly, you had never been so mad at anyone in your life, Aegon begged and cried and promised you a million different things. You believed none of them.

It had been seven months now. You told yourself you had moved on but right now, laying in his arms with his hands caressing your hair and your back so gently while his lips pressed soft kisses to your forehead, you realized you hadn’t moved on at all.

You missed him just as much as he missed you, if not more.

You leaned back to look at him,”Aegs?”

He cupped your face, thumb tracing your cheek while he stared deep into your eyes,”What is it, baby?”

You didn’t speak, you just closed the distance between you both and softy kissed his lips. He didn’t hesitate, one hand cupping your neck to hold you close while he slowly deepened the kiss, tasting you, chasing your tongue with his.

Your hands moved through his messy hair and he pulled you even closer, kissing you over and over, not wanting to stop now that he was allowed to have you again.

“Aegon, wait,” you pulled back after a while.

“I’m sorry,” he bit his lip and leaned his head on your shoulder,”I’m sorry…I’m a mess, I shouldn’t be doing this.”

“No,” you shook your head and hugged him close. Aegon leaned into you, holding your body to his but not wanting to push things too far too fast. If you pulled away from him now he would never recover.

You leaned back to look at him after a while and noticed the tears were back in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he cried softly,”I never know what I’m doing…everything is so dark without you…and I know it’s not fair to even say that to you now…I know I hurt you too much. I wish I could take it all back and you would be with me again…I still love you so much, baby…”

You pressed your forehead to his and closed your eyes, feeling your own hot tears finally spill at his words.

“Why are you crying, sweetheart?” Aegon whispered, his hand was back to caressing your hair.

“Because…I haven’t moved on either,” you sobbed,”I’m just very good at pretending…but I still love you, Aegs. I probably always will.”

Your eyes met his and the world seemed to halt for a moment. He gently wiped your tears away with his thumb and then kissed your cheeks until you stopped crying and he could see a smile on your face again. Then he carefully leaned in and kissed your mouth again, slow but deep, just as he had before. You softly moaned into the kiss, pulling him closer and putting a smile on his face.

“You’re sure?” he asked, insecurity clouding his voice,”Sure you want this? I’m so fucked up.”

“Well, obviously so am I, why else would I take you back?” you teased him and he laughed.

You hadn’t heard him laugh like that in so long. It made you realize once again just how badly you had missed seeing him like this. Happy, or at least something resembling it. And you knew it was because of you.

Aegon leaned in to place another quick kiss on your lips.

“I will do better this time,” he then whispered,”I promise you, I will try so hard…”

“Stop,” you cupped his face, caressing his cheek,”Don’t promise me anything. No beautiful, hollow words or plans for the future this time, no expectations and no pressure. Just us.”

He leaned into your touch and nodded his head.”Just us,” he repeated.

“All I need is for you to love me. Can you do that?”

“I don’t know how to do anything else,” he smiled softly and then pulled you down into his lap. You followed eagerly, wrapping your legs around him and feeling him cling to you with his entire body.

“Can I stay?” he whispered in your ear.

“Always,” you nodded with a smile.

Aegon couldn’t believe this was actually happening, that you still wanted him, after everything. He was determined to not let the past repeat itself this time. Not with you, not again. He would be better this time, take it day by day and do his utter best to keep the darkness at bay and let your light be his anchor in this world.

For the first time in a long while he felt like maybe he would be okay.

#aegon x reader #aegon imagine #aegon #aegon x you #modern aegon #fanon aegon #hotd fanfic #tom glynn carney fanfic

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neorukixart · 5 months ago

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Been wondering for a while if you have any other headcanons for your adult Ruki 🤔🙏

Ah... well, since you asked for "headcanons" it means I can go wild and ignore some of the canon, right? :3c

She had her "gay" awakening when she was watching "Digimon Adventure" while she was baby (about the age she had in the Locomon movie flashback), specifically the ep with princess Mimi. She didn't realized it until she grew up (prob in her 20s). Thanks to that, Rumiko "misread" the mood and thought Ruki wanted cute dresses and be pretty.

She's an AiM fan (thanks to Mimi), which would explain her fixation with "Yuuhi no Yakusoku", that's her fav song and has a soft spot for "My Place" too. She also listens to RAISE A SUILEN (because you know, I'm a RAS oshi too hehe).

She became a morning person quite easily thinking on how she wanted to work hard so when she meets Renamon again, they won't laugh at her for being lazy.

She's very polite, having studied in an "Ojousama" school until highschool but she's very careful to whom she greets with "Gokigenyou", she will NEVER use it with the tamers group but she does knows how to keep up appearances when needed.

The modeling job her mom "forced" her to do was with genderless clothes and during her last months of working as a model, she did more sports and formal suits (skirts were forbbiden); this gave her quite the popularity among girls and women ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). She's thankful she has to use a helmet while riding her bike to hide her face.

Juri will always touch the "you were very ikemen as a model" topic from time to time ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

She used her model job money for her motocross gear and bikes.

Unfortunately for her, she became famous among the motor sports world and had to "become" a model again for magazines and interviews, the good thing is that she wears her gear and not "modeling" clothes. She's still popular among ladies ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

She tries to be a good example to the kids she teaches bouldering, unfortunately (again) there are moms who are very interested in her ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

She regrets very much accepting being a model at this point (but now I find it very funny XDDD help)

During summer, she does radio exercises with kids and her stamp is actually a kawaii fox instead of her last name; when older kids ask why the stamp is like that she just says "I like foxes, they are cool", younger kids don't question it as it is a cute fox.

Jian and Juri are the ones she constantly keeps in touch with; Juri is the one who almost has time to go and see her competitions everytime and she drags Hirokazu and Kenta with her, Ruki appreciates the gesture.

She developed quite the motherly instincts thanks to the kids she's been teaching in the park; then she realized that "oh, so kids are only cute and adorable when they aren't your own" but she is not so against the idea of being a mother herself (Let her adopt Miyuki and Renaharu uwu).

Once in a while, depression actually hits her so you will find her on long bike rides at night with not an specific destination. She decided she was not going to cry anymore so at the end of her rides, she might need to hit something.

She's bad at drinking and becomes a drunk terminator, at the end of her destruction, she cries so, she prefers to avoid drinking but she can do it in moderation.

Thanks to her motocross career, she moved out of her house and lives in a relatively big apartment (model money is convenient); she lives alone but Juri has often suggested to live together, Ruki is not really ready for it yet.

Living alone means taking care of yourself so she's actually a good cook and procures to stay healthy (and buffy), cooking is a hobby she didn't expect to develop but here she is.

She keeps a few plants that does not need much water as she's out most of the time, but surprinsingly she keeps her apartment tidy and clean.

One time she was on TV (thanks to her competition being aired) and got interviewed upon winning; later that week people connected the dots and said she was one of the kids who were fighting the D-reaper and had to ask Jian and Yamaki for help since it went viral (let's say that they did some things here and there that might or not be illegal).

From time to time, she takes Juri on her bike rides (when she doesn't has to do extra work for her school) and the one place she always takes Juri to, is the beach because it reminds her the ONE time she got trapped in Okinawa thanks to a certain Omegamon asking for her help to defeat Mephismon and how she was able to go back thanks to Kyuubimon that miraculously, knew how to swim. When Juri asked why she didn't asked for Jian and Takato's help (or Minami's), she said it was very embarrassing to owe money and favors; but she keeps in mind that if she ever finds this Omegamon again, she will have a few things to say.

I've already said this but, she collects the new Digica, overall Renamon evo line cards. She also collects Digimon plushies. V-mon and Tailmon being among her favs (me? pushing my biases? Noooooo of course noooooo).

Ryou will often try to get in touch and get her to compete in Digica tournaments; Ruki refuses saying she will only do it if the fate of the world and Digital World are at stake, never for fun; only in private and with friends (those friends being Hirokazu, Kenta and Ryou who are the only other nerds to get cards).

She's in good terms with Ryou to be honest; they have a good relationship and he already apologized for forgetting about her when they were kids. Ruki still doesn't knows why she can't hold that grudge anymore but she considers him a good friend so when Jian or Juri don't have time, she will chat with Ryou and share their problems. Their fav subject is sharing their adventures before meeting each other and new booster packs of the Digica or discussing the new Digis designs.

Speaking of new Digis, she likes Diarbbitmon and is gay for Cendrillmon.

Also speaking of Digica, there was one time when Shaochung was eager to learn but Jian ain't teaching her for whatever reason so she went to Ruki who, happily showed how to play. They are in very good terms, even Shaochung would often brag with her friends and classmates how she knows the Digimon Queen (and motocross pro) Makino Ruki. She keeps calling her "Ruki onee-chan" btw.

She would be on good terms with Takato if only he would have stuck around instead of disappearing xD so she holds a grudge towards him for "abandoning" Juri; this is the main reason Ruki will try to spend time with Juri the most she can. Who knows, maybe she can wooo her ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Speaking of Juri, I think Ruki realized she liked her when they were teens but out of respect for Takato she stayed quiet, for YEARS. Also Juri secretly collected Ruki's photos from her modeling days (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

I know that for the sake of the CD dramas, Ori-san had to do her usual "Ruki" voice, but I actually picture Ruki having a different Ori-san voice, something between Riza (FMA Brotherhood) and Manami (Digimon Ghost Game).

I think that's all I have for now XD I hope you have fun reading? Also, since I don't have anything new to post (still can't use Glaze and don't even talk about Nighshade) here have a blurry preview of your prompt hehe.

#asks #stray-cerberus #28ruki #digimon tamers #makino ruki #I had fun typing this wth xDD #thank you bud #now if you excuse me I'm gonna queue this too and try to keep working on your prompt because now I'm motivated uwu #come get your juruki crumbs people #also you forced me to try and do an adult Juri and I have no idea what to do with her hair ahfdjdilhgdfjks herpes me

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hajihiko · 2 years ago

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I am sad and in need of my bed

SO MY QUESTION FOR YOU RUMPS IS

How do you think the dr2 characters cope with the big sad, what kind they are (good and bad), and who comes to help em out :)

(if you say hajime for assistance because he’s technically the ultimate therapist you’re gonna get your shoes stolen /lh/nsrs)

Hajime.

BUT not because hes the Ultimate therapist, rather because he is very adept at making people feel comfortable. Meta-wise, this is because he's the protagonist of a character-heavy game that encourages you to form a bond with at least one NPC, and most of the NPCs are jerks. Of course you want some encouragement or rewardl and your reward is the NPC opening up and trusting you, the player character.

But since we're not viewing the characters as NPCs in a game, in-world it comes out as Hajime getting even the most suspicious, awkward and stand-offish people to like him enough to overcome some of their issues, meaning he's just a comfortable dude.

So, besides Hajime;

Akane: ignores the big sad for as long as she can. Might have a little breakdown but still tries to get over it way before she's ready by distracting herself or pretending like a comfort worked 100% ("now that I've cried for half a minute I'm FINE haha see ya"). She would go to Kazuichi for distractions and someone who will probably do the crying for her. Slowly starts being open to Fuyuhiko's offer of talking things out, but only when she's already done being sad.

Sonia: Even if she is big sad in private, she has a hard time being real with it in front of others because she tends to pop into inspiration mode. She might pep talk herself (and others) several times without any real progress because she isnt letting it out. Eventually she'll yell and cry and then actually feel better afterwards. I think besides Hajime shed split pretty easily between Akane and Fuyuhiko, who are both awkward around big emotions but ultimately also very helpful.

Kazuichi: Feels big emotions all the time and sadness is a big part of it. He is very capable of feeling the things- its hiding them that's the problem- so he's used to it, but a linger melancholy cloud that doesnt go away even when he's done sobbing about it is a bigger problem. I think he would go to Sonia if he needed point-blank merciless advice (he is careful though, between not wanting to seem like he's pressuring her and not being able to take rejection when he's already so depressed) or Akane for comfort.

Fuyuhiko: it's kinda complicated because he was actually fairly good at dealing with grief in-game (once he was past the passive suicidal ideation) but that was in the middle of a murder game and. I think he would be the type to push it aside for as long as something bigger needs doing, but he suffers for it when there's nothing else to focus on. He feels better when he thinks he has some control so besides Hajime he goes to Souda, who a) has no room to judge and b) wont dare to snitch or get too mushy.

The ones most likely to intentionally seek out the sad people are probably Fuyuhiko (as with Akane post Nekomaru death) and Souda (again Akane & Nekomaru's death). Probably Sonia too? Just based on vibes (and she got Fuyuhiko a get-well-soon present).

Hajime definitely feels like the type to isolate when he actually feels the sad, but he's more likely to get frustrated or listless than outright sad (he also does not have a crying sprite in the game). I think who he goes to is really dependant on what he wants out of the interaction. With Akane, it's easy to forget anything is wrong, but she'll also be a big strong pillar to lean on. Souda is great with distractions and emotional validation (easily affected by other people's moods). Sonia cheers people up and doesnt let anyone get away with wallowing, and Fuyuhiko is a good conversationalist and has experience with actually handling grief (fun fact, all of Fuyuhiko's FTEs revolve around just talking, mayhaps because he has no hobbies besides crime but who knows) .

#Talky talky Tuesday #Not an art #This is long I hope it's worth it lol #Talky talky

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osarina · 6 months ago

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beloved mrs dazai,

good evening dearest <3. i wanted to write you a simple appreciation letter, due to the occasion of you posting fics literally whenever i need a soothing, angsty break.

your writing captivates my exhausted heart and mind.

it enchants my imagination beyond words can express, as well as soothes all those pesky, stress-induced wrinkles in my brain.

your literary comprehension delineates a strong urge to write on my own, even though i don’t think i could ever come close to the profound understanding you have of not just your fics characters, but your organization and planning of a flawless storyline as well :>.

not to mention your stellar online personality, never failing to leave me with a smile on my face after reading—and sometimes even relating to—some of the most hilarious questions, comments, and concerns ive ever had the chance to encounter.

to wrap it all up, i will never forget the heartfelt damage you have inflicted on me. i will never be able to erase the vehement scars i have suffered from your absolutely immaculate writing and personality.

neither do i want to.

yours always,

secret admirer :) <333

(too scared to not put anon, but also love your hashtags on responding anons with the name secret admirer;

3 last things: don’t forget you are awesome always no matter what any anon like me or close individual has to say about it, promise to never stop being you, and i hope you have the loveliest of nights for the rest of your life.)

wow. you know i read this ask when i got it and i literally started crying bc it was so sweet and then i felt so bad because i literally had NO time to give u a heartfelt response in return BUT I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW MY SWEET LIL LOVE BUG that whenever i started getting depressed about exams and stressed about everything, i came to reread this and it always made my heart feel so warm and always boosted my mood

bUT ANYWAY this is genuinely the sweetest & most poetic thing anyone has ever said to me AND IM READING IT AGAIN NOW AND IM STARTING TO TEAR UP AGAIN literally words cannot convey how many emotions (positive) ur ask has made me feel

bUT NONNIE i have to WHOLEHEARTEDLY DISAGREE BECAUSE I LITERALLY KNOW JUST FROM THIS ASK THAT YOUR WRITING IS BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD LITERALLY PAY ACTUAL MONEY TO READ A FIC FROM YOU i literally feel so lame replying to this so casually no lie because UR PROSE ???? out of this world i fear, it's so lovely nonnie u must promise me that you'll come back and give me the link to your fic if you ever decide to write and post pretty please with cherries on top

#ᡣ𐭩 carina’s love letters #ᡣ𐭩 from user: secret admirer #THIS IS LITERALLYYYYY A LOVE LETTER THIS IS THE MOST FITTING THING TO EVER BE UNDER THIS TAG #IM ACTUALLY WEEPING AGAIN #ALSO MRS DAZAI MRS DAZAIIIII R U KIDDING ILL CRY I LOVE YOU #anyway thank u for getting me thru exams the past two weeks because i CONSTANTLY came back to read ur ask whenever i was upset #ILY

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matenrou-fan · 2 years ago

Text

Random hypmic characters with depressed s/o who's have low self-esteem!

NB reader, comfort, fluff, cuddling and kissing, mention of depression

Doppo, Ramuda, Rosho

Doppo

-Oh dear.. How can you?

-In Doppo eyes you are the most perfect human in the world, both in appearance and in personality

-You're so kind, so cute, so caring.. Your eyes so deep, so fascinating.. Your hair is so soft, your scent is so sweet.. He can sit and list all things that he loves in you endless...!

-He do know that he can't change your mind in one second, but he will try his best to make you feel more confident, to make you think about yourself as good as he thinks about you

-Telling you every day how adorable you look in the morning and whisper you before go to sleep how happy he is to be next to you, that you the only one who makes him happy

-Of course he will improve his self-esteem too, so you would have a good role model near you, he will stop telling bad things about himself in front of you, afraid that his negative thoughts also have some effect on your mind

-Always here to cheer you up, even when he feel almost dead after his hard work, he steel will sit with you, comforting with hugs and kisses.. He may be too tired to give you a proper advice or tell you something warm but at least he's here, he's ready to listen and to soothe you as he plays with your hair and caresses your back.. You can cry as much as you want, he will not go away until you feel better

-When he have a weekends he will make sure to spend it with you, especially if you feel worse than usual in last few days, helping you with everything. He know how hard it can be when you have a bad mood, so he will help you clean your room, cook your favorite dish and even help you take a bath and brush you hair, if you feel so much weak and powerless

-Doppo can be pretty enthusiastic, he really wants to help you in your fight with illness. He also depressed, but it's just means you two can help each other become better versions of yourself! It's more easier to walk straight when you hold someone's hand, don't you think?

-"I know it's hard to believe in yourself sometimes.. But you are much more better than you think.. And I love you just the way you are..." - Doppo embrace you softly, trying to show all his love and support in this hug - "I know that it's probably would sound stupid from someone like me.. But you just need to realise how truly beautiful you are.."

Ramuda

-He just can't believe!! You, his precious dollface?!

-He start to be much more clingy to you, hugging you tightly, always holding your arms when you're in public.. He will even carry you in his arms, it's doesn't matter if you're much more taller than he or not, he's surprisingly strong

-This way he wants to show you just how much he adores you, that you just so cute and adorable to him...!

-Always so babbly, cheerful and sweet, he's trying to make you smile with his little games and teases, acting even more childish than usual

-But if you feel really bad he of course will stop all this stuff and get so much serious, sitting with you on his sofa, letting you lay down on his laps as you cry

-He will cooing to you softly as he plays with your hair, carefully listen to your whines, talking about all things that worrying you, giving some advices

-You will be even surprised just how deep and soothing his voice can be, so different from his casual high pitched tone..! But it's comforts you so much

-Ramuda isn't really depressed but he also have so much problems, something you're not aware of, so he can understand why you sometimes just wants to lay down and cry, and he will lay down with you too, cuddling and whispering softly

-Will try everything too bring smile back at your face - here's some of his favourite candies, and here's, look, look, here's a new clothes that he sew only for you, ooh, and here's his favorite movie, wanna watch together?

-Although he doesn't know how to help with depression, he will at least try to cheer you up and give you all his support when you feel down

-Your new morning routine is to wake up by Ramuda, as he sit on top of you, pepper your face with soft small kisses

-"This one for being such adorable sleepy head, and this one for having such cute eyes, and this one for hugging me in your sleep, and this one.." - you giggle, asking him to stop but he just leans closer, hugging you tightly - "How can I stop? I need to show you, dolly, all of my affection, so you will always remember that you have me and my cute sweet love, okay?"

Rosho

-Oh, it's break his heart so much

-Such an angel as you, who's always bright his day, and feel like this?

-Then he will try his best to support you as much as he can...!

-When he was in conflict with Sasara, he also was pretty depressed, he didn't know what to do and he feel himself as the worst person in the planet, so he do understand you

-But now he healed, and he know how to help you feel better, offering all kinds of things: his psychologist that helps him a lot, this exercise regimen that will make you feel fresh, and this healthy diet that will make you more strong, and also this-

-He can be pretty stubborn, always checking your well-being, making sure you sleep enough and rest well, he know how much physical condition affects psychological one

-Also, of course he's always here when you need to cry and to complain a little, his soothing voice tell you some good advice, some deep warm words as he patting your back while you sit on his lap

-Due to his work he wakes up much early than you but he will left you some little notes of how cute you look when you sleep and what an amazing person you are

-He will never blame you for being lazy, you still recovering after all, so it's not a problem for him to make you a breakfast (with another cute note "don't forgot to eat, my star"), to prepare you an outfit ("you will look so cute in this, darling "), to clean your table from all trash ("love you, take care of yourself")

-He can be pretty busy but he will call you during class change just to ask how are you today and reminds you just how beautiful and charming you are for him

-It's sometimes hard to show his romantic side, but he will throw away his shyness, showering you with compliments, kisses and cuddles

-You his precious little star, and he will do anything to prove to you how adorable, cute and beautiful you're in his eyes

-"There's no other person in the whole world who will be as good as you, darling.. You always will be the most important thing in my life, and I'll make sure to tell you this everyday" - he mumbles to you quietly, hugging you soft and kissing your forehead - "I will be always here for you, okay? No matter what.."

#hypmic x reader #hypmic imagines #hypmic #hypnosis mic doppo #hypmic doppo #doppo x reader #doppo kannonzaka #hypnosis mic ramuda #hypmic ramuda #ramuda x reader #ramuda amemura #hypmic rosho #rosho tsutsujimori #Rosho x reader #hypnosis mic Rosho

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arinavah · 2 years ago

Note

hi arina! how are u doing? i've read your life update before about how you may not be able to do art stuffs due to life circumstances, seeing you open your shop now really brightens my heart! i'm also an artist in a kind of tough situation where i dont have much choice and might have to give up drawing or have difficulty continuing. im wondering how you got thru it? your art updates give me strength and hope! but if u dont feel like sharing, i totally understand. hoping you best and thank you!!

I'm sorry I'm answering this so late, talking about my current life always ruins my mood. (this will be a long whining post, I'm very upset right now so I need to speak out)

Probably we are in different situations, unlike you, drawing is the only thing I can do now. I've mentioned here before that my grandma had a stroke this summer, my parents live in another city, they come here from time to time. Me and grandma live in Moscow, sooooo, generally, disabled grandma is MY responsibility most of the time. Even though she's making some slow progress in recovering, she's still mostly bed ridden, she can't take care of herself, she can't get up from the bed without help, she barely walks, etc., etc. So we can't leave her alone, and taking care about such helpless person, 24/7 IS HARD. She can wake us up several times at night to go to toilet or whatever, during the day she always wants something and we have to serve her, it really exhaustes me. (I half jokingly say that I unexpectedly became mother of 76 y.o. child, but I've always been child-free, so guess what I'm feeling right now)

Good news: I have some time to draw. To be honest drawing is the only sphere of my life I still can control, it's the only thing bringing me joy. And thankfully some people buy my merch so I can earn some money even in these circumstanses.

Bad news: I lost all freedom I'd had, I can't go anywhere without hiring nurse, I have much less time for work and drawing, I can't properly relax after long day, in fact I can NEVER relax, I can't meet with friends, I can't travel, I have to cancel work trips. Even simple mandane things became very difficult and even impossible because of all these restrictions. I can't find proper words to describe how those restrictions of my freedom make me depressed and devastated, right now my mental health is the worst it's ever been. I cry almost every day, I became hysterical and agressive, I hate my life so much, that the mere thought of spending the rest of my youth living my family's life, not MY OWN LIFE makes me want to kms. At the moment I control nothing in my life, I can't decide where to live, what to do, where to go, absolutely nothing. Probably I will never find a partner, because dating in these life contitions is impossible. Probably I will die alone without any love and friends. Maybe my only destiny is to take care of disabled person.

I'm trying to accept the fact that my life's ended, that I won't have any freedom and any new people around me till she passes away or till one of my parents will take full charge of taking care of her (it will happen in 5 years or so, they have work to finish in another city).

I spend my days solving my family's problems, my grandma's health problems, selling some merch to earn money and drawing some silly things just to ✨feel something✨. So me being able to draw something in difficult circumstanses is not some heroic thing, I'm not overcoming myself to make art desprite everything, what I'm doing is just...escapism... I want to get lost in my little drawings or in little stories for some time to forget about everything bothering me. Honestly, I'm very happy that I haven't lost ability to draw after everything happened to me this year.

Guys.... sorry for whining, but 2022 ruined my mental state completely... Political situation (fucking Russia 💀💀💀), family situation, I just feel so much hatered for this world, for this universe where none of my dreams will ever come true, where I control nothing, where I have to live someone else's life, where I have no freedom, where I have to be silent, where I have to look at my government's crimes and be silent, where I can't plan anything, where I can't love who I want (yesterday they accepted "lgbt propaganda" ban law), where I have to live the rest of my life in the country I hate, with a government I hate, isolated, lonely, constricted, attached to disabled person.

My parents keep telling me it's temporary, they don't want me to be a nurse for the rest of my life, everything is gonna be okay, they will solve everything. I don't believe them. Maybe I'm overdramatising, maybe if I get a therapy I'll feel better and less pessimistic about my future, but for now... I feel terrible. So, if drawing makes me feel a little bit better, then I'll continue to draw.

#Ask #Sorry for whining

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invincible-selfxmade-punk · 1 year ago

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I have stopped screaming and crying and now I am just numb. I guess that is a bit of a breakthrough because normally I don't scream and cry at all until much later.

I think it's the autism I have always had a severely delayed reaction to things but this time it was so bad it just took me over.

I opened up Facebook to find that yet another friend of mine took his own life.

I am almost to the point that either I am losing count of the friends and relatives who have died by Suicide or I am just breaking down and blocking them all out.

That was my friend Ben. By the time I met him he was already in a relationship and so was I but we hung out a lot. We would send each other songs that we liked and I was really attracted to him. That is not a very good picture he was so much more handsome on his better days.

It's like meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife

The girl on my other side is his girlfriend Laura and they were together for years. Then I'm not sure what happened but suddenly they were not posting together on Facebook anymore and Ben was posting more and more rather scary sounding statuses.

He had told me that he had tried to kill himself several times. And I guess we bonded over that.

That was when we worked together. We were all friends his girlfriend, myself, and the music and art teacher who were married. One time they even made a band together and played gigs around town. It was because of them I found out about this awesome band called Murder Monroe. Those were truly the best times. Before covid happened and before the venue which was a coffee shop and music venue didn't survive the covid shutdown and went out of business.

Later on after he & Laura moved away he would put cryptic status on Facebook and I would message him and ask him if he wanted to talk and send him my favorite songs to try to comfort him.

He would always send me the same song back when he was in that mood. And it was kind of a song about how maybe if we had met in a different time things would be different.

youtube

Other times he would send me awesome videos of him playing guitar.

youtube

I drew this picture 5 years ago when I got a call telling me that one of my former students ---whom I was very close to --killed herself at the age of 13.

I still think it sums up exactly how I feel every time this happens.

I am so heartsick and just at a loss. We had not communicated since Christmas and he had only posted on Facebook of very few times with anything personal. The few times he did post it would be him saying how depressed he was and how he had no friends. And I would always message him and let him know he wasn't alone and ask if I could help and after a while he just didn't respond.

I'm glad he is no longer in pain but oh my God I just wish he could have hung in there.

I can't imagine what his ex-girlfriend is going through having been with him for nearly 10 years. She said in

her post that a few weeks ago he blocked her and then of course we find this out today.

youtube

Ben Benavides was a special ed teacher, a 4th/5th grade teacher. He was an introvert who was clinically depressed. He was a guitarist, he was a music fan, he was a great listener, he gave the best hugs, he felt things far more deeply than anyone else did.

He gave his all to his students to the point that he would nearly have nervous breakdowns over the stress of not being able to help them enough. He was a goth, he was a metalhead.

I didn't know him as long as most and yet he touched my life profoundly.

My dear Ben,

I am better for having known you and I am so pissed off that you left me and left this world.

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday who could hang a name on you when you change with every new day still I'm going to miss you.

#988lifeline #need help call 988 #tribute #another life gone #grief #loss #teaching #Youtube #Spotify

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icedmetaltea · 5 months ago

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dude pmdd hit me seemingly MIDWAY THROUGH YESTERDAY ALL AT ONCE I want to fucking scream

I'm bloated and sore and getting mood swings and anxious as hell and depressed as fuck and acne-ridden... had a good long cry yesterday and it helped for a bit but today I'm equally fucked up

and going over each and every convo with the social worker and feeling like I messed up everything and she hates me and wishes I was dead... like I asked if we could do a remote session and she just replied with "sure"

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN does it mean you're incredibly disappointed with me

does it mean “wow kelsey we're going to have zero stuff to talk about so who cares which way we do it”

“cause how are you supposed to get exposure therapy if you're not getting out to the car w/ me idiot”

(texted her again to see if we can just reschedule cause come on there's nothing to talk about till we get replies from the disability lawyer and the paperwork we need for the tuition forgiveness thing and I can actually go outside bc rn I'm an anxious wreck who'd throw up if I even looked at a car)

and I forgot my mom's birthday yesterday on top of everything else, my dad had to text me a little reminder and that was AFTER I sent her a bunch of panicked messages about project 2025 (which thankfully she didn't see and I deleted before she could, but damn, I feel like every time I try to talk about politics with her the world punishes me for it) and I sent her an ecard but it was already like 8pm at that point and though she thanked me I feel like she was disappointed for me to forget- plus I obvs couldn't get her any birthday gift bc I'm broke as fuck

and on top of everything else last night it got really really bad (the birthday thing was the icing on the cake) and I ended up getting the stupid urge to cut again. i was able to control it enough to reach for my bag of rubber bands and use one, it's been like half a year since I've done that and now I feel disappointed in myself, but I couldn't take it anymore and honestly I'll probably do it again today

I'm a disappointment to everyone. To the social worker. To mom and dad. To my sister. To my friends. To everyone. And everyone would be happy if I was gone

and sure I'm sure this is just hormones talking bc last week I had interests, I was smiling, I was watching stupid meme vids and not wanting to blow my brains out but since yesterday it's all I've been able to think about, how fucked the world is, how we're gonna go into a civil and/or revolutionary war and climate change is fucked so I might as well go before I have to suffer too much right?? But then I feel like I should suffer because I deserve to. I'm so pathetic.

Now all my interests are gone. I can't smile. I have no appetite but I'm so goddamned hungry. Any progress I made on fixing my sleep schedule is gone cause I didn't fall asleep till 7am. I doubt I'll be able to go outside today. I doubt I'll be able to do anything today but be curled up in bed wanting to off myself.

I feel like everybody's sick of me and my emotions. What if they think I'm manipulating them?? Then I try to rationalize that like "wow you'd have to be pretty impressive if you somehow accidentally managed to manipulate everyone without even trying to and while being as bad at puzzles and logic games as you are" like I've been taught with therapy time and time again but of course that only works so well when danny's voice is echoing in my head.

The worst part is I never know if it's just PMDD making me feel this way or if it's just pulling away the blinds of distraction and making me see myself and the world for how it is

I'm so tired

#Metaltea talks #vent #irl stuff #PMDD #self-harm #suicidal thoughts

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crisispider · 8 months ago

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♣ + spideydevil :)

[ ◉¯] ✧˖° → @blindbastard + send me ♣ + a ship and i’ll tell you…

✧˖° → WHO IS THE BETTER DANCER? Everyone knows Peter can't dance. It's just common knowledge, sure he will say that he can and he will give it his best WHITE GUY go of it but like at the end of the day if there is to be a better dancer it isn't Peter.

✧˖° → WHO LIKES THE OUTDOORS MORE AND WHO LIKES THE INDOORS MORE? See the thing is they are both new york boys, and like I would argue that they both like being outside in their city a fair and maybe equal amount, maybe Peter a little more than Matt if that's not exactly his full thing.

Now if we are talking full on camping/hiking/fishing/sports that sort of thing? See that's hard to say. Peter is very much a city boy he had no interest in any of that ans is very much an indoor boy.

✧˖° → WHO'S A CAT PERSON AND WHO'S A DOG PERSON? I feel like they are both definitely CAT BOYS, because like I mean... look at them. So clearly what I am hearing is that they need to adopt a kitten together.

✧˖° → WHO'S MORE SOCIAL? Mhmmm going off what I know of Matt (and I could be wrong so tell me if I am!) I would imagine that Peter is the more social one of the two of them. Peter loves making friends and is all about community when he isn't in a depression spiral.

✧˖° → WHO MAKES THE BED EVERY MORNING? Matt would have to do a whole lot of SWEET TALKING if he wants Peter to make any bed, he thinks it's the silliest thing in the world... buuuut sometimes you can convince him to do it.

✧˖° → WHO LIKES TO KEEP THE HOUSE COLD AND WHO LIKES TO KEEP THE HOUSE WARM? Peter struggles with temperature regulation to the point that it can even effect his mood, so he tries to keep it at a really comfortable temp a little chilly but not too chilly. He is occasionally a time to put up with Matt.

✧˖° → WHO TAKES LONGER GETTING READY? See the thing is they are both heroes and needing to be able to get in and out of costumes and lightening speed but Peter is also full of ADHD so when he isn't trying to race off to fight crime or avoid getting caught in his costume it takes him forever to get out the door and he is often late to pretty much everything even when it isn't because of superheroing.

✧˖° → WHO LIKES SCARY MOVIES AND WHO LIKES FUNNY ONES?

Okay so here is the thing. Peter is just an all around movies person. He loves pretty much any genre of film too. He loves the adrenaline rush from a really good scary movie. (Or the giggle of all the outrageously bad ones.) He loves romances and comedies and dramas that make him cry. So it would all depend on if Matt happens to have a favorite genre that he prefers.

✧˖° → WHO SCREAMS WHEN THEY SEE A BUG AND WHO IS KILLING IT?

I mean... one of them kinda IS a bug. (yes we know that spiders are not bugs but shhhhhh) So I can't really imagine either one of them are the type to really scream about a bug in the house, and Peter tends to live a pretty big 'capture & release' policy for pretty much all living creatures.

✧˖° → WHO IS THE MORE TECHNOLOGY CHALLENGED?

See.. here is the thing, I would argue it's technically Matt, but only because Peter is a genius who literally builds his own web shooters and gear more often than he doesn't.

✧˖° → WHO WOULD BE MORE LIKELY TO BURN SOMETHING IN THE OVEN?

Have you met Peter B. Parker? Obviously it's him.

✧˖° → WHO TALKS IN THEIR SLEEP?

I would make an argument for either one of them, they both have a lot of unresolved trauma and need therapy. Nightmares happen. But I feel like they both have cute ways to help comfort the other when it happens.

✧˖° → WHO LEAVES THE CAP OFF THE TOOTHPASTE?

Peter is the living embodiment of ADHD most days. It's obviously him, but it's never done on purpose, he is just... forgetful.

✧˖° → WHO LIKES GETTING DRESSED UP MORE?

I would say... Matt? I don't know if I would say he LIKES it, but he is a lawyer and there is so much suit wearing happening on a daily basis, as to where Peter would like to actively avoid suits at all cost.

✧˖° → WHO'S BETTER AT TYING TIES?

Matt. He does tie one every day after all, but Peter is desperately trying to learn to do it better so he can do it for Matt in the morning. ( I have a million and one headcanons about how helping your partner get dressed in the morning or for bed and having established domestic routines like that is just Peter's jam.)

✧˖° → WHO RECORDED THE ANSWERING MESSAGE ON THE HOUSE PHONE?

It's both of them, because if Matt isn't involved the message is absolutely going to be the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever heard. Peter can't do anything at a CHILL level.

✧˖° → WHO'S BETTER AT PLANNING ROMANTIC THINGS?

I would say... Peter. He is a hopeless romantic, and when he tries? Oooo that boy can be so smooth. (In an awkward dorky kind of way.) He loves, love. He loves being in love? and he loves Matt. This isin't to say he doesn't mess up, because we all know that he does. He misses important dates, and he is always late, but I think because both of them are superheros they would find this lovely little balance that could be so cute and sweet? Thing of the patrolling dates!

✧˖° → WHO TAKES UP MORE SPACE IN THE CLOSET?

Peter. He has a lot nerdy shirts. Don't judge him.

✧˖° → WHO HAS MORE OF A SWEET TOOTH?

Peter. Peter has such a fucking sweet tooth that sometimes you really should be treating him like a child.

✧˖° → WHO DRINKS MORE OFTEN?

It's hard to say, I wouldn't really classify either of them as really drinkers persay... but I do know that Peter is way more of a stoner and prefers a high to a drunk any day.

✧˖° → WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO LAUGH DURING A SERIOUS SITUATION?

Again I say, have you met Peter Benjamin Parker? He finds ways to make jokes in literally EVERY situation. It's what he does.

#[ ◉¯] ✧˖° ♡ → And just say the word.. We'll take on the world.. [ Matt || Blindbastard ]#blindbastard #[ ◉¯] ✧˖° → I handled it like a champion. [ Inbox Interactions ]#I tried my best!!#I just think they would be really cute

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