#not complaining tho ill take this over an actual ad any day

[parksrway]

I keep getting some random still image from splatoon in place of ads and I don't know where it's from

[jazztato]

The Arcana Boyfriend Scenarios: When You Text

Asra

You were laying in bed ignoring your brothers every word as he was complaining to you about something about his day. You groaned and decided to walk away which just pissed him off but you didn't care, you walked into your room accidentally knocking your bag over causing the contents within the bag to spill out. You groaned kneeling down to clean it up till you spotted an old napkin, you picked it up about to toss it out till you remembered it wasn't any ordinary napkin, the napkin held the number to your new coworker Asra, you swiftly opened it up as you picked up your phone typing the number in.

(Y/N): Hello?

Asra: Hello.. Who may this be?

(Y/N): This is (Y/N), is this Asra? You gave me your number when we first met, I guess I'm just now getting to it..

Asra: Hahaha yes this is Asra and that most alright, you must've been quite busy, I would know. Ever since I started working with you the cafe has been boomin!

(Y/N): Yes it has. How have you been today?

Asra: I've been great, I'm just relaxing at home, I was reading till I got a message from my phone.

(Y/N): Oh.. Did I interrupt you.. I'm sorry..

Asra: No no.. I didn't mind! I'm actually glad you messaged me!

(Y/N): Really?

Asra: Yes! Since I told you how I was. How about you tell me how you are?

(Y/N): I'm good for now, My brother is irritated and complaining about what went wrong with his day.. Again.

Asra: Oof. Must be hard, I don't know what it's like to have any siblings. I'm the only child

(Y/N): ..... I envy you now.

Asra: *gasp* noooooooo!

(Y/N): XD you're lucky that you're the only child, I wish I was but I'm stuck with my older brother.. Who surprisingly has a lot of enemies and a big ego.

Asra: Oh geez.. I wouldn't want to meet him..

(Y/N): Lol well lets hope you don't have to.. Oh shoot.. I gtg my brother is calling for me, and it's my turn to take the dogs out. Ttyl!

Asra: Awww... I was hoping we could talk more.. Well I'll talk to you later then! Have fun! And don't strangle your brother lol.

(Y/N): Lmao I'll try not to. Ttyl

Julian

You were working at the hospitable doing your runs waiting till your break would hit, for the past week you haven't seen nor ran into the new doctor, you let out a sigh wondering if he still even worked here. You looked over at the clock which was on the wall, staring at it waiting for it to hit noon. A minute later the two hands lined up together indicating it was noon meaning you can go on your break. You grabbed your bag before leaving for the hospital's cafeteria. When you arrived you sat down at a table grabbing your lunch which your brother happily made for you, you decided to review some papers as you ate so you picked up the papers out of your back opening them up but when you did you saw a random number written down which you just remembered was the doctors number, you blushed a bit at the thought of having his number so you took out your phone hesitating a bit before adding his number to your contacts as you send him a message.

(Y/N): Hello? Is this Doctor Julian Devorak?

Julian: it may or may not be. Depends on who's asking..

(Y/N): It's Nurse (Y/N) we met last week.

Julian: Ah! Yes! I remember you! How have you been!

(Y/N): I've been great, I'm on my break atm but I haven't seen you around lately..

Julian: Ah.. My apologies.. My sister grew ill and needed my full attention..

(Y/N): Oh no! I hope she gets better soon..

Julian: Ty I hope she does as well.. As soon as she is better then I'll be at work, why tho? Were you worried about me?

(Y/N): No..

Julian: Hahaha! You definitely were! I may not be able to see you but I can tell by how you text that you were worried. That's sweet.

(Y/N): Well if one of my coworkers didn't show up to work for a week, of course I'd be worried..

Julian: Well thank you for worrying.

(Y/N): My break is almost over.. I'll be heading off soon.. But I hope your sister gets better, I truly do..

Julian: Breaks at the hospital never last very long.. But maybe next time we can talk more than 30 minutes

(Y/N): Agreed! Gtg but I'll hopefully talk to you later!

Julian: Indeed! Now go before the boss gets upset that your break is lasting more than 30 minutes lol

(Y/N): I doubt he'll care but you're right ttyl!

Lucio

You were in your room with a broken leg which your brother helped cast it up. How did you break your leg you wonder, well yesterday after work someone tripped you causing you to tumble down the stairs of the restaurant causing you to land on your leg breaking it, so today you were stuck in your room absolutely board out of your mind especially since your brother refused to let you leave the house let alone your room till your leg is fully healed. You groaned, stretching causing the sleeve of your right arm to fall down revealing writing, you were confused at first till you remembered a man from the restaurant you worked at wrote his number on your arm, you furrowed your eyes thinking whether you should text him or not. You picked up your phone before quickly sending him a quick message, with you being bored out of your mind you would do anything to not be bored.

(Y/N): Hello..

Lucio: Hmmm... Now who may this be? Not that i'm complaining, who ever you are could be hot~

(Y/N): I already regret this..

Lucio: Harsh, but understandable most of the women/men I give my number to don't text me.. So now I'm curious about who you are.

(Y/N): (Y/N).. We met a few days ago at the restaurant..

Lucio: Oh! The hot waitress! I remember you quite well. Speaking of which, I didn't see you at the restaurant today.. Did you quit? Or were you fired?

(Y/N): None of the above.. Yesterday someone tripped me as I was leaving the restaurant and well... I ended up breaking my leg..  It pays off when my brother is a doctor.

Lucio: ...... Who tripped you, I'll have them regret it.

(Y/N): Why do you care.. I'm only one person..

Lucio: A very hot person. And the only person who texted me when receiving my number.

(Y/N): Well for your information I only did it because I was bored..

Lucio: Still. Plus I can tell you have a kind heart~ I should stop by sometime and sign your cast~ Oh! That's a great idea! Sit tight (Y/N)! I'm heading to your house!

(Y/N): Lucio! No! I don't think that's a great idea! Especially when my grandmother is home.. She'll hit you with her wooden spoon like she does with my brother! So maybe coming here isn't such a good idea.. Plus you don't know where I live.

Lucio: Nonsense! Plus old ladies love me. And I'll find where you live eventually. Now get some rest~ You'll need it when I arrive.

(Y/N): Ugh. It looks like you won't listen.. So I won't stop you from coming..

Lucio: Good!

(Y/N): Ttyl I guess..

Muriel

You were laying in bed as your brother was laying in the bed across from you, the two of you were talking till Muriel came up into the conversation, Asra kept asking you how your alone time with Muriel went which caused you to throw your pillow at him causing him to laugh. You remembered that Muriel had given you his number, so you took the paper out along with your phone, typing the number into your contacts. You looked back at Asra who was now asleep causing you to giggle before sending a message.

(Y/N): Hello Muriel! It's (Y/N).

Muriel: ...... Hello..

(Y/N): I see you're shy even through text..

Muriel: Is that wrong...

(Y/N): No no! I think it's cute.

Muriel: (*/ω＼)

(Y/N): X3 see! You've proven my point.

Muriel: W-where's Asra? I've been trying to get a hold of him..

(Y/N): Don't bother, he's fast asleep. He started teasing me about when we spent time together, so I threw a pillow at him and he decided to fall asleep, sooner or later I will get my pillow back.

Muriel: Oh.. Well I hope you get your pillow back...

(Y/N): If I don't then I'll just take one of his. But other then myself how have you been?

Muriel: I've been good...

(Y/N): That's great! I hope someday we can hang out again. Ik you don't like being around a lot of people so if we do it'll probably be at home.

Muriel: ......I'd like that..

(Y/N): Me too! Shoot! gtg Asra woke up and started a pillow fight, lol ttyl!

Muriel: ...............Ttyl.. and win....

(Y/N): Lol! I'll try! Ttyl!

[jimlingss]

Sugar and Coffee [5]

Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 5.5 OR Chapter 6

➜ Words: 4.2k

➜ Genres: 99.5% Fluff, 0.5% Angst, Pâtisserie school!AU

➜ Summary: It isn't hard to be a pâtisserie chef, but it's not a piece of cake either. It seems like for you in particular, life keeps throwing in one wrench after another. It always finds ways to make your sweets bitter. The cherry on top is Jeon Jungkook — a rival with a sensitive sweet tooth who always finds ways to complain about you.

cr.

Life won’t give you a break.   The moment midterms are complete, you have to begin preparing for finals. While the urge to bury yourself underneath your covers and pull the blanket over your head has lessened, you still don’t want to venture out into the world. But there’s no way to resist the inevitable. You can’t let your schooling go down the drain — it’s the only thing you’ve got going for yourself after all.   5:49 pm. Jungkook: where u at bitch?   5:50 pm. Y/N: im on the toilet asshole 5:50 pm. Y/N: call me a bitch again and ill kill you   5:50 pm. Jungkook: Gross tmi 5:52 pm. Jungkook: can i ask you for a favour tho pls   You wash your hands after wiping, flushing and pulling up your pants.    5:54pm. Jungkook: dont leave me on read   5:55 pm. Y/N: clingy much 5:55 pm. Y/N: the hell do you want from me   5:55 pm. Jungkook: lovely as usual 5:56 pm. Jungkook: I need the notes for comm 209   You scoff as you re-read the message. He has some audacity asking for your notes for a class he skipped on a Friday afternoon, probably to hang out with his friends instead. But before you tell him to gladly ‘fuck off’, you’re stopped by an idea. He needs something from you and there’s something you need from him.   Now’s the perfect opportunity.   “Tempering chocolate?”   “Yeah. You want to be a Master Chocolatier, right? This is a great opportunity to teach someone how to do it. They say you know your stuff when you can teach others.”   Jungkook rolls his eyes at your shamelessness and how you’re trying to milk him to your advantage. “Somehow I think this far outweighs the favour of me getting your notes.”   “Do you want to help me or not?”   “Do I want to?” He looks unsure but gives in to your will anyways, or at least he's curious enough to hear your troubles. “What’s your issue with tempering chocolate?”   “It just doesn’t temper right. There’s no snap or shine to it.”   “Do you measure the temperature with a kitchen thermometer?”   “Well obviously, Jeon. Noooo,” you pull out the syllable, voice dripping of sarcasm. “I dip my hand in to tell. Duh! Are you an idiot? What do you think?!”    At once, Jungkook’s expression washes over, becoming impassive. He spins around on his heel to walk out the door, but you grab onto his sleeve desperately.   “I’m kidding. It’s a joke. Sorry. Help me?”   He shifts around to look at you. You’re busy batting your lashes with those eyes of yours, trying to appeal to him — it disgusts Jungkook instead. It makes him feel sick to his stomach that you’re trying to act cute when you’re obviously a brat in disguise.    Yet somehow he finds himself in the kitchen on a late Tuesday night anyhow, despite having class early in the morning the next day.   “What method do you use?” Jungkook asks with crossed arms as you pull out the right materials, silver bowls, chocolate, thermometers, and a cooking pot.   “Which is easier?”   “They’re all the same,” he deadpans.   Jungkook’s arrogance irritates you but you’re not about to insult him and have him running out of the kitchen, so you restrain yourself and start with the seeding method. You chop the solid chocolate you have into smaller pieces while he watches you in boredom. After a minute, Jungkook pulls out his phone and scrolls through his social media so he can mentally stimulate himself and not have his brain cells dying on themselves.   “Only three quarters of it goes into the bowl to be melted,” he says without looking up. If he did, it would occur to him that you’ve already got it prepared and on top of the double boiler too.   “I know.”   “Do you want me to help or not?”   “When I ask for it.”   Jungkook’s eyes flicker up. “Well didn’t you ask for my help?”   “Not now, Jeon.” You sigh. It was quite profound how quickly the bastard could get under your skin for doing so little. “God, you can be so fucking—”   He suddenly puts his hand up to silence you and he sniffs with that big fucking nose of his. “Why do I smell burning?”   Jungkook looks over to your pot on the stove and notices it steaming oddly. You follow his line of sight and take your bowl off, hissing at how hot it is. “Careful,” he scolds and looks over. Jungkook nearly facepalms himself into a coma. “Oh my god, you forgot to add water into the double boiler?!”   “It’s because you were distracting me!” you shout at him and run over to the sink to add it in. The water begins burning as it hits the hot double boiler, sizzling and smoking even more. Jungkook groans. “You’re supposed to help me, not look at your phone! Maybe I would’ve realized if you actually paid any attention!”   “Fine, fine.”   You add an inch of water to the double boiler. It’s an improvement.   But then as it begins to steam properly with the candy thermometer in the chocolate as you agitate it with a spatula, you look down and your blood runs cold. “Oh shit.”   “What?” Jungkook sighs. Frankly, it’s impressive you’ve made it this far into the program. He didn’t know you were such an idiot in the kitchen — you might as well burn the whole place down and he wouldn’t be surprised. “How’d you manage that?”    You rush to grab a paper towel, trying to dab the water that got into the bowl. But Jungkook clicks his tongue. “Don’t bother. You have to start again. If you get water into the chocolate, it makes it seize and becomes unstable.”   “How do you know that?!”   “Do you even read your textbook?” He is appalled and you pull out the cutting board to chop chocolate all over again, starting from the beginning. Jungkook sighs, spinning around his stool as you repeat the steps and put the chocolate over the heat. “You know what the temperature needs to be, right?”   “A hundred fifteen. I’m not an idiot.”   “I don’t know about that,” he chimes. “You forgot to add water to a double boiler.”   Your arm drops to the side, putting the spatula down. “Okay, fuck you. I haven’t seen you actually give me good advice or anything. I asked for your help, not for you to berate me.”   “What advice do you need?” His brow cocks upwards. “It’s pretty self-explanatory. Just follow the procedure and you’ve got yourself tempered chocolate!”   “I can’t believe I thought you could ever teach me!” you hiss at him. “You’re a condescending asshole.”   “Excuse me? Guess who’s with you on a Tuesday night?! I’m an angel for helping you!”   “No one asked you to!” you scream back at the top of your lungs.   Jungkook scoffs. Any other time where he wasn’t being attacked, he’d recognize that you were returning to your former self, but he still doesn’t appreciate your brattiness. “Are you kidding m— God! What’s burning now?!” Him and that giant nose of his inhales and a delayed moment later, it hits you too. The both of you whirl around to where the chocolate is burning. “You forgot to stir!”   “It’s not like you reminded me to! You’re a distraction!”   It’s excruciating. Jungkook has a feeling he’s going to be here all night, so he helps you speed up the process. While you clean up the mess, he chops more chocolate. And this time, you both manage to get it in the bowl, stirring, without anything burning whatsoever.   The chocolate goes to a hundred fifteen degrees before you remove it from the heat and add the rest of the chocolate you reserved on the side. The temperature is brought down to eighty six degrees and then you put it back on the boiler to melt it all at ninety degrees.    A strip test is done, a streak of chocolate made on parchment. And for a whole two minutes, you wait for it to set. But it doesn’t.   “What the hell…?”   Jungkook is genuinely perplexed and finally, he gets what you’ve been talking about. “See? It just doesn’t work!”   He shakes his head, refusing to admit defeat. “It must’ve increased in heat before we added the other chocolate in. Let’s try again.”   The pair of you chop chocolate across from each other, silent in your determination. But when you glance up, you see Jungkook’s brows furrowed, thoughts probably lost. You don’t see him serious often — well you do, but you never paid much attention to him before. Not like now.   The process is repeated. The chocolate is melted to a hundred fifteen degrees and then decreased down to eighty six as you add in the loose chocolate, and then it’s brought back up again….    But then the temperature begins climbing — faster than you and Jungkook can react. “Fuck, fuck.”   The two of you help each other take the bowl off the pot in urgency and then press your burning fingers to your ears before running it under cold water. “It went to a hundred? Do you think it’ll be okay?”   “I don’t know. We have to test it.”   The strip test is done, but the chocolate never sets. It stays wet. Dull.    “Mother fuc—”   “We’ll try again,” Jungkook reassures you with a hand on your shoulder.   It’s painful having to re-doing everything and going way later into the night than you initially intended. You feel like you’re being driven crazy, but you’re glad Jungkook’s here with you — you know you’re not going insane alone.   You look back at your textbook and your notes, making sure you’re doing it right and you hope for the best in the next batch.   “It set….but it’s so streaky.” You look up at Jungkook who’s an inch away. He hums and leans down to get a closer look.   “It’s bloom. The lipids moved through the cracks of the chocolate.”   “You think it’s because the kitchen’s too hot?”   “Yeah, we should try to put it in the fridge to cool.”   One last attempt is made. It takes twenty more minutes and then it’s put in the fridge. But after the chocolate sets, there’s no shine or snap.   Jungkook finds slumped on the floor, spooning chocolate, one of the failed attempts, into your mouth. You’re hugging the silver bowl in your lap like it’s your anchor. “I give up.”    It feels like you’ve gone through a thousand batches. The kitchen is an absolute mess — spatulas and tasting spoons littered on the counter, double bowlers and bowls, wasted chocolate everywhere. There’s a sink-full to wash and that alone makes you want to cry.   You slurp up more chocolate in an attempt to feel better. “Fuck chocolate.” But why does it have to taste so delicious?   “I don’t understand why it’s so hard,” Jungkook admits with a frown. It just doesn’t seem to work with you. “It’s not rocket science. It was fine when I did it.”   “Fuck you. You’re not supposed to boast. You’re supposed to help me.”   “Was the last two and a half hours not helping you?” he questions. “You just have to watch your temperatures and keep practicing.”   “That’s helpful.”   “Hey, I’m trying.”   Jungkook pisses you off. Everything comes so easy for him. As chocolate destroys you, he’s out here wanting to be a chocolatier. But maybe it suits him — chocolate’s an asshole and so is he.   “I’d like to see you try to caramelize sugar as well as I can, or better yet, pipe flowers.”   The boy scoffs, looking down at you and your patheticness. You don’t even realize you have chocolate all over your mouth. “That’s easy.”   “I worked at a cupcake shop for three summers.” You stand up on your feet, facing him head on. “You think you can beat me in piping flowers?”   “I think I can do better than you can temper chocolate.” Jungkook smirks arrogantly, enough to push you off the edge.   “Let’s bet on it then!”   “Fine. How much?”   You have a better idea than money. “Loser has to cover for the winner during the internship in May. Whenever the winner goes on break or makes a mistake.”   He scoffs. It’s a big wager but it sounds delightful when he knows you’re going down. “Deal.”   //   It’s a busy Thursday, but that doesn’t stop any of you. Even after a long day of classes, sitting in lecture halls listening to theory to working in the kitchens, you find yourselves a spare kitchen space afterwards to finally put this all to rest.   You won’t tell Jungkook that you practiced all of yesterday by yourself and actually got it to work once — you nearly started to cry out of happiness when the chocolate tempered.   “You want me to make this?”   Jungkook looks at the picture on your phone. “Yep. I made it last summer using buttercream. They’re peonies. Why? Think it’s too hard?”   He scoffs. “As if. Watch, I’ll make it better than you did.”   “Uh-huh. Keep talking, Jeon.”   Jungkook eagerly takes on your challenge.    While you take up half the kitchen, he manages the other half, and the two of you share the center island together. You get your double boiler ready, chopping up chocolate to melt while Jungkook mixes butter, vanilla, confectioner's sugar, and milk together. The fucker doesn’t even use a hand mixer. He simply uses a spoon to make it, blatantly showing off as his veins in his forearm pop. He smirks when he notices you staring and you roll your eyes.   Jungkook makes a variety of colours, pastel pinks and baby blues, and puts them into the piping bag as you stir the chocolate over the heat.   You focus on the numbers on your thermometer, but out of the corner of your eye, you watch him.   He cuts squares of parchment, puts one on a flower stand, adds a small cone of thick buttercream to the paper, and then picks his tip. You muse that he must’ve been doing his studying when he chooses a one twenty seven tip. It’s a straight teardrop shape, and he squeezes while turning the nail wide ends towards the center, narrow end outwards.   But he sighs after a moment, hands halting.   It’s your turn to smirk.   “Not so easy, is it?”   His eyes flicker up to glare at you. “Keep a watch on that chocolate before you burn it again, brat.”   You scoff, continuing to stir. You keep your heat low so the temperature climbs slowly.   In the meanwhile, Jungkook switches his tip out for a one twenty and tries again. You take a glance, and it’s not too bad — still sloppier than yours and he knows it too.   After a moment of frustration, he switches to a one twenty two.   “You should check the consistency of that buttercream,” you sing-song. “Can’t be too stiff or soft.”   “I’m fully aware.”   “Are you?” You smile at him, mockingly so. “Just making sure.”   Jeon Jungkook doesn’t appreciate you provoking him, but realizes it’s similar to how he treated you. It’s not his fault his forte isn’t in teaching. And yours clearly isn’t either.   “A one twenty five?” You scoff. “Are you trying to make a rose or a peony?”   Jungkook’s smile is stiff. “What do you suggest I use then?”   “Go back to the one twenty seven tip or pick a curved teardrop shape. Also, you’re squeezing too hard too fast, muscle pig.”   “I know something else I squeeze too hard too fast,” he mutters as he follows your instructions.   “Go fuck yourself, Jeon.”   “Didn’t need to spell it out, sweetheart, but that’s exactly what I do every night.” He smirks and you roll your eyes again.   “God, you’re going to make me throw up all over my chocolate.” You take it off the heat once it reaches a hundred fifteen degrees, putting the rest of your chocolate in and mixing. You have a good feeling about this batch. Even if it’s your first try of the day too.   Usually you’d rush, get too impatient, but it’s entertaining to see Jungkook struggle. Time goes by faster.   You mix in your chocolate, bringing the temperature back up again, and you do a strip test when it’s all nicely melted, putting it in the fridge. All there’s left to do is wait a few minutes now.   You come back, dusting your hands off, feeling confident. Meanwhile, Jungkook is still piping flowers with his thick brows furrowed, the tip of his tongue peeking out as he concentrates.   “It’s taking you a while there, Jeon.”   “Whatever.” He sighs, resting his hands on the counter as he rolls his neck. “You had a full three hours practicing with me on Tuesday. This is the first time in a while that I’m piping, alright? Give me a break.”   “Uh-huh. All I hear are your excuses. Less talk, more work.”   You grab some parchment and an icing bag he’s left abandoned in a cup. With a flower needle, you begin piping yourself to pass the time. It’s actually one of your favourite things to do — it’s therapeutic. You can listen to the sound of your own breathing and the crinkling of the piping bag while you make literal flowers from your hands.    You break out of your focus to find Jungkook watching you intently. Your arm extends, showing off your flower with pride. “Pretty, right?”   The icing flower has perfect ruffles and petals. It looks real, and by the expression he has, he’s already aware.    Jungkook grumbles incoherently and returns back to work, making you giggle.   You take another piece of parchment, but this time you steal a spatula-full of his blue icing and put it in the pink bag to make two-tone flowers. And you pipe them on, spinning the flower nail, as it comes to you with ease.   You listen to the crinkling of the icing bag, your heartbeat in your own ears, the white noise of the quiet kitchen, and Jungkook’s breathing. You’re not sure what compels you, perhaps a sudden urge, but you quietly blurt— “I never stole your millie cake recipe.”   “What?” His eyes flicker up and Jungkook finds you concentrating on piping, not paying him any mind.   “The September incident,” you murmur out of the corner of your mouth. “I never stole your mirror glazed blueberry whatever millie cake recipe like you think I did.”   Maybe you’re telling him because things are different now.   You know he won’t jump down your throat and accuse you otherwise, for lying, or trying to cover yourself. Won’t denounce you. Bark out in laughter. Your relationship with Jungkook has become strange recently — you think it’s something other people would call a friendship. But you thought he should know. Just in case he still hates you for it.   You know you don’t hate him so much anymore.   “You threatened to go up to the Dean and expel me, remember?” Your pupils flicker up for a moment.   Jungkook recalls it clearly — the confrontation in the kitchen, the fight that broke out, how you slapped him, how he was planning to do everything possible to get you expelled. How you were ostracized over the rumours for weeks until people forgot and moved on as they naturally did.   But you and Jungkook never did. You always both remembered.   “I went to Mrs. Ahn before she left on maternity leave. I was stuck — didn’t know what to add to my portfolio, so I asked her. And she gave me your recipe as a reference. Told me to give it a try. Gain inspiration from it.”   You put your hands down, connecting your eyes with his.    Jungkook is rendered speechless. “And that was when I saw you…?”   “Yep. You busted into the kitchen without letting me explain and accused me of stealing your shit when I didn’t even know it belonged to you. I didn’t know you were the one who came up with it.”   “Why…” He shakes his head, frowning deep enough that it hurts. “Why didn’t you say anything?”   “You didn’t deserve it. The truth. I knew I was right and I was so….so mad that you could accuse me of stealing, that I could even be capable of such a thing. I wanted you to bring it up to the Dean. I wanted you to do it so you could be embarrassed when you realized what actually happened.”   It’s all in the past now. Your anger doesn’t surge as much anymore, but you can still recall a time when you felt utterly enraged he could think so lowly of you — a time when Jungkook didn’t deserve your explanation, so you slapped him. In hindsight, it was probably a bad decision on your part. You escalated the situation when it didn’t need to and it spiraled out of control.    You’re at fault for being rash and impulsive as much as he is.   “It wasn’t like I was going to use it anyway,” you mutter with a sigh and pick up a new square of parchment to continue piping. “For inspiration or whatnot, much less add to my own portfolio. I swapped the blueberries for blackberries, and it turned out to be disgusting. I messed up on the glaze part too.” You muse, “Chocolate’s never been nice to me.”   Jungkook absolutely baffled. Bewildered.    All of this hatred against each other was caused by a misunderstanding. All of it which could’ve been avoided.   “I—”   “Wow, are you kids practicing your techniques?” Miss. Kang is at the door, visibly impressed as she regards you both. “And here I was on my way home. You two are so diligent! And look at you both working together like this! I always knew you put your differences aside and be friends.”   “You have great timing, Miss. Kang.” You smile at her. “Jungkook and I were just having a friendly contest. Would you like to be our judge?”   “Sure. I think I can spare a moment or two.” She steps in, looking around. “What are we doing here? Looks like someone was tempering chocolate and you’re….piping! Goodness, me. Did you make those, Y/N? They’re very lovely.”   “Thank you.” You grin, beaming from the praise of your piping skills. “But the contest was me tempering chocolate against Jungkook piping.” You move over to the fridge, taking out the metal tray with your strip test. You hand it to her, and she hums.   “Very shiny, and it slides right off the parchment!” she exclaims. For the final examination, the young female teacher bends the chocolate and it audibly snaps. You could burst out into cries of happiness. “Looks tempered to me.”   You look over at Jungkook, head quirked to the side, wearing a big smile that’s infectious enough to make him grin too. “Here’s my piping.” He places the parchment on the counter and she leans over to study it, humming.   “Not too bad, Jungkook. A little messy around the edges, but I’d say a job well done. If this was an actual exam, I’d give you full marks.”   Jungkook cocks a brow towards you, sly smirk on his face. You step forward. “So which is better?”   “Well, it’s very difficult to judge on tempering chocolate and piping since they’re two completely different things. I’d say it was equal.”   “If you had to pick one?” you ask, desperate for a winner to be proclaimed.   Miss Kang hums a long note. You and Jungkook are put in suspense, anticipating her final decision. She taps her chin, deciding to chew on your chocolate as she studies the flower.   Finally, the teacher nods. “I can’t complain about the chocolate — it’s a hundred percent tempered. But I can say the piping needs a little more work, so…”   “I win!” You give Jungkook a cheeky grin causing him to scoff lightly.   “It was a stroke of luck.”   “Keep telling yourself that, Jeon.”   “It’s a tie,” he insists, “She said only if she had to pick.”   “That’s true.” Miss. Kang backs him up before you can retort.   But you still pout. “Sore loser. I win and you know it.”   “Hmmm.” Jungkook playfully shakes his head. “Don’t think so. Let’s just call it even, Y/N.”   “Nuh-uh. That’s not how it works!”   The pair of you argue back and forth — yet there’s no real malice. It’s simply banter and it causes Miss. Kang to laugh. She bids her farewell and quips that you both better get the kitchen clean. In the end, Jungkook compromises. He still insists it’s a tie but he does the hard work of cleaning the dishes and you give into his will.   As you prepare the mop water, he scrubs the bowls.   “I’m sorry,” Jungkook pipes up after a second of quiet contemplation. He turns his head to look at you. “For the misunderstanding.”   “You don’t have to be sorry.” You divert your vision elsewhere. “Not anymore. You’ve given me more reasons to be thankful. So we’ll call this even.”   Jeon Jungkook smiles softly. “Deal.”

[letamreviews]

Top of 2019

With 56 films watched and 27 favorited in 2019, I composed a list of my top. By pure happenstance, the list is almost an exact third (18) of the total films watched. Be aware that I don’t have as much to say about some of these because I took no notes after.

Because I’d be biased towards them, I don’t count the National Theatre Live plays.

Since the list is likely to be altered between now and the end of February (to accommodate for films missed), check the Lettboxd list later on to see an up to date listing, but be aware that it intentionally lacks the details provided here.

EDIT (01/04/20):

Woke up this morning religiously re-reading this and caught some grammar errors. It’s almost like staying consistently well-rested is actually beneficial. While I’m at it, Blind Rating (BR) is how worthwhile the film is watching “blind” (or knowing nothing). The scale is 1 (worth it) to 5 (you must). ‘Eh is essentially a 0.5.

1. Midsommar (USA)

Saw the original and Director's Cut in theatres and discussed them with a group immediately after both times. I’m somewhere between really liking it and loving it. Still unsure. Hell of an experience with a lot to notice, debate over, and pick up on during the second viewing. Don’t even get me started on the Christian/Dani matter. Dat tension, tho. Blind Rating: 4/5

2. Us (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with a group immediately after. I’m digging the allegories and the way (I think) it reflects on society. Dem reveals, tho. Blind Rating: 4/5

3. Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with a group immediately after. Two things probably play a huge hand in this not being atleast 3 spots lower: my demographic and the fact that her older self constantly reminded me of my grandma and a certain middle school teacher. Regardless, it’s an entertaining, interesting, and lively documentary with its many personalities on-screen all giving their take on matters along with Ms. Morrison herself. Glad they managed to finish and release this 1.25 months before her death. Blind Rating: 0/5

4. When They See Us (USA)

Saw on Netflix over the course of a month. Y’all, this one hurt too much to watch again any time soon. Admittedly, part of the reason why it hit me so hard is because I could easily have been one of them. Dat ending, tho. Don’t forget to watch the Oprah followup When They See Us Now after. You’ll ball (again). Blind Rating: 3/5

5. Parasite (South Korea)

Saw an advance screening in theatres and watched a live post-film Q&A. I really like it. This hit me in such a way that it’s one of three films I’m writing an essay on. Planing on watching it a second time soon so I can finish with a sense of accuracy. This isn’t one that I would recommend looking at images for. There are some that will spoil the experience of the second half. Seriously, block the “Parasite” tag from your feed if you can. Blind Rating: 3/5

6. Luce (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with a group immediately after. This was is so~ good as a thriller and especially in regards to being Black in America. Wanted to watch it a second time but never managed to squeeze it in before it left theatres. Dem performances, tho. Dat tension, yo. Dat score, bro. Blind Rating: 1/5

7. Them That Follow (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with someone immediately after. I love it. Blind Rating: 1/5

A drama influenced thriller about a religious and somewhat self-isolating community that's effectively blanketing a realistic romance. (snip) —Letterboxd review

8. The Souvenir (United Kingdom)

Saw in theatres (partially because so many movie peeps were shitting on it). I love it, but I didn't fucking love it. Was tempted to see it again, but didn’t get the chance. Dat ending, tho. While it was a movie peep telling me the whole plot that caused me to gain so much interest in it [Cabin in the Woods (2011) all over again, amiright?], I must say that the less you know the better. It’ll make for... a more immersive experience. Blind Rating: 3/5

9. After the Wedding (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with a group immediately after. I thought I really liked it, but I love it. This was a trip down unexpected lane, le'me tell ya. The trailer is a spoilerful lie, but the Landmark's description is very accurate. People's experiences will have a heavy hand in how they react to it and feel about certain characters. The way they made this feel like a constant thriller was excellently done. Dat cinematography, tho. Go in knowing nothing more than what the previous link provides. Blind Rating: 1/5

10. Joker (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with a group immediately after. I really like it. Blind Rating: 1/5

(slight spoilers)

This was difficult to watch at times, but hella captivating throughout. Arthur's reasoning is believable, his sanity is questionable, and his life is indeed one hell of a joke. Like watching an extreme example of what happens when people on the lower end lose access to social programs. This can very easily be taken as a commentary on mental illness kept unchecked. More than that, it's a story about a guy who accepts his "crazy" and transcends poverty, circumstance, and societal bullshit... at everyone else's expense. (snip) —Letterboxd review

11. Miles Davis: Birth of the Cool (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with a group immediately after. I really like it. Captivating documentary in a very similar style to Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am, but with Mr. Davis never joining the “talking heads” (as people like to call it) and instead being heard as a constant narrator of his own biography. Regardless of how I feel about him on a personal level, this shit was a great watch and the ending hit hard. Still need to get his autobiography, though. There’s a nostalgic factor for me here since I was partially reminded of my grandpa while watching it. Blind Rating: 'eh

12. Queen & Slim (USA)

Saw in theatres and discussed with someone immediately after. Fuck yeah, I enjoyed this one. Dat soundtrack and cinematography, bruh? 👌🏿 The throwback soundtrack, main characters’ racial group, and fact that they went to New Orleans definitely play a hand in why this one’s not atleast 1 spot lower. Blind Rating: 1/5

13. Dwelling in the Fuchon Mountains (China)

Saw in theatres during festival and attended discussion days later. I really like it. Was long, but in a good way. Similar to Ash is Purest White (2018) in that I kept thinking "please end here," but would be glad it didn't later. It's beautifully slothy and has absurdly long tracking shots. The cinematography during walking conversations is notable. Dat trick, tho. Blind Rating: 'eh

14. A Girl Missing (Japan)

Saw in theatres during festival and discussed with a group immediately after. Bruh~, this is a hell of a personal trial. Didn’t expect it to go the places it did. Blind Rating: 1/5

15. Dutch Angle: Chas Gerretsen & Apocalypse Now (Netherlands)

Saw on MUBI on phone. I love it. This goes over his childhood (for 8 minutes), career paths, photography of 9/11/1973's Chilean coup d'etat, the 6 months he spent on-set photographing Apocalypse Now (1979), and him as a person. What I didn’t expect was how much he would get into the details of things happening during that film’s development. Along with those details are interesting photos presented excellently in a way that’s reminiscent of manga at times. I like the way the photos take center point and are treated like the foreground. It’s like the director and editor forced themselves to remain aware that the documentary was showcasing 15% of the total slides housed in the Nederlands Fotomuseum’s archives in Rotterdam and that most of his Apocalypse Now photos were never seen. Dat score, tho [Ex Machina (2014) vibes]. Blind Rating: 0/5

BTW, it had its official (Dutch national) release by EYE Filmmuseum on 12/19/19 in the Netherlands, so maybe it’ll come to the USA soon. 🤷🏿‍♂️ Forgot to mention it’s been added as a special feature to the 40th anniversary 4K blu-ray disc of Apocalypse Now: Final Cut (2019).

16. Receiver (Ireland)

Saw on MUBI on phone. I really like it. A very interesting short film in three odd segments. First was disturbing; second was about activism, protests, and politics; third was about the person I assume the film was made for. All compose what I took as a film about the importance of having reliable sound and hearing. Needs to be watched alone with good sound quality (for immersion). Blind Rating: 'eh

17. Bacurau (Brazil)

Saw in theatres during festival. I really like it. This was some Most Dangerous Game shit with a hell of an ending. The whole game is an allegory of civilized people's obsession with hunting wild animals for "sport". I really like the portrayal of history here and enjoyed the racial matters it lays bare. I can only imagine someone watching this without knowing a thing. Kinda wish I didn’t even read the description beforehand. Digging the soundtrack. Blind Rating: 1/5

18. Little Women (USA)

Saw on 35mm and discussed with others on separate occasions. I really like it. This was just warming and sad. I felt for the main characters and actually felt satisfied with the way it ended. Considering the type of film, there are handful of typical things for me to complain about. That being said, the movie earned its stars back. I mean, did you not see their attic performances? Shit was dope. Blind Rating: ‘eh

[bee-kathony]

Four Years | October 18th, 2014

January 2nd, 2014 - February 15th, 2014 - March 8th, 2014 - April 12th, 2014 - May 2nd, 2014 | Year One - June 13th, 2014 | July 29th, 2014 | August 9th, 2014

Year One - October 18th, 2014

My strength was returning. Day by day I felt myself knitting back together, becoming whole once again. One of the things that had really helped me was a support group for people who had survived or were going through cancer.

Damocles Syndrome. The name given to the feeling of fear that the cancer or illness will return, an ever present sword, dangling above your head. To survive was one thing but to continue to live… that was something else entirely.

During my weakest moments, I begged for death to take me. The white light as they say. I wished for no more pain, no more feeling. Most of all I wished to rid Jamie of the burden that was me.

That’s why when I voiced these thoughts to him late one night, he suggested going to a support group.

“There’s only so much I can say, Sassenach, only so many times I can tell ye I love ye and yer beautiful.” His hand traced a pattern back and forth over my arm. “And I will tell ye everyday but ye need to be around people who can understand… really understand what’s goin’ on inside that wee head of yer’s.”

“You’re right.” I sighed, “The hospital has a few different groups, I suppose I can call Joe and ask him to sign me up for one. If it will make you feel better…” I moved closer to him in the bed, no longer shrinking back from his touch but craving it.

“Aye, Sassenach. It will make me feel better to know that while ye heal physically…” he kissed the top of my head, his lips pressed against the short hair, “yer mind heals as well.”

“I’m not promising any results, Jamie, only that I’ll go and check it out.”

“I ken that. But I’m praying to God himself that ye’ll finally start to see yerself as I do.” He looked at me as if I was his whole world, his hand now cupping my check as we lay together.

“And how do you see me?” I couldn’t help but ask, what girl wouldn’t?

Jamie sighed, a smile curving across his lips, “I dinna have enough time in the world to tell ye everything but I’ll say a few.” He pulled me into him, his hand covering the back of my head as I rested it into the crook of his neck.

“First of all, yer a damn fucking warrior.” He laughed, shaking my body with his, “Ye barely even complained, Sassenach. I saw ye hurtin’ but ye never made a fuss. Weel… ye maybe complained about the food but aye, who wouldn’t.”

I felt safe against him as he wrapped his body over mine. Jamie was my outer shell, protecting me from what I couldn’t protect myself from. Willing himself to save me, to save us.

“Yer also a good surgeon, even tho ye havena touched a blade in a long time, I know ye wield it with power, a healer’s touch.”

“You barely even knew me while I was still operating on actual patients,” I thought back to the day he told me he loved me, the same day I learned about my tumor. That was barely two months into our relationship.

Now it’d been nine months since the day I found him in the shower. The scars I had seen on his back I now felt under my fingers, slowly tracing the outline of a particularly deep cut. Jamie’s scars were external while mine were internal. Together we were a mess… but a beautiful mess.

That night I had fallen asleep with Jamie’s body close to mine, his mouth confessing my bravery and kindness. During the night I woke to hear him whispering something in Gaelic but every few words I understood a word in English. I heard “dove”, “preserve”, “harm” and “beloved” and drifted back to sleep, the word’s of my protector covering me.

++++++

The air was changing, turning from the heat of summer into the crisp chill of autumn. I’d taken to sitting out on our balcony in the evenings. The fresh air filling my lungs as the breeze calmed my soul.

My feet were propped up on the railing, a cup of ginger lemon tea in my hands, warming the chill that never seemed to leave my body.

“Bonny day, isn’t it?”

“Mmm, yes.” Jamie walked out, a cup of coffee in one hand, the other he placed on my shoulder.

“Would be even more bonny if we were somewhere tucked away in the Highlands, do ye think?”

On our first date, Jamie promised to take me to the Highlands after my confession that I’d never been. As a doctor, my time was spent with patients; before Jamie, I had no reason to travel outside of Edinburgh.

“Are you asking me?”

Jamie walked to stand in front of me, his hand settling on my propped up ankle, “Will ye, then? Go to the highlands wi’ me? Dance under the stars? ’Tis yer birthday in two days is it no’?”

“Yes, it is my birthday,” I smiled, “And I’d like that very much, please.” Jamie dipped his head to kiss me, “Aye, dinna worry about packin’ yer bag,” his face hovered close to mine, “I’ve already seen to it.”

++++++

We were six hours into our journey to the Isle of Skye. Jamie had booked a small cottage in the highlands, remote from the rest of the world. One week, one peaceful week to get away from all the sickness and hurt that was always lurking. A change of scenery to boost my spirits.

We should’ve been there by now but Jamie insisted on stopping in Fort William to check out Old Inverlochy Castle. I had to admit the Highlands had a certain… magical element about them. The heather moorlands were strikingly beautiful, the purple jumping out as we drove past.

My eyes had been staring at the inside of our loft and the hospital for months. To finally venture out was just what I needed. I also knew this would be good for Jamie, he wasn’t a homebody but he became one for me.

“You packed the board games right?” I tried to look back into the boot of the car.

“Aye, dinna fash, Sassenach. I’ll no’ make ye sit around, I’ll keep ye entertained.” His hand slid over my knee, smoothing over the small rip in my jeans.

Twenty minutes later we reached our destination. Set against the greenery of the Highlands, the small white cottage looked idyllic.

The next few hours we spent on the couch, watching the last two Harry Potter films. One day I hoped that we could actually visit the theme park in Florida.

“Do you think next year, when I’ve been officially tumor free for one year, we could go and visit Harry Potter World?” I voiced my desires to Jamie, his body under mine, breathing steadily.

“Aye, that’d be incredible actually.” He perked up, “We could get robes! And ride the train, the chocolate frogs, Sassenach! Just think about the chocolate frogs.” Jamie smiled, his hands resting on the small of my back.

“And wands too.” I placed a kiss on his lips and it deepened, the movie forgotten for the time being. I could feel another “wand” directly below me that I wanted to have.

I shifted my body slightly so I sat up on Jamie’s lap. He watched me as I brought my hands to the waistband of his sweats. No words were spoken, they didn’t need to be. This was my turn to show him how much I loved him.

Jamie’s breath grew shallow, his eyes turning a dark blue as I pulled down the material over his hips along with his briefs.

Since that day in the gym bathroom, I hadn’t seen his cock. We had never dressed or showered together, avoiding temptation as best we could. Jamie was a saint, if I was being honest with myself. What grown man sleeps next to a woman each night and doesn’t at least try and sleep with her? And I was even surprised at myself, back in the day I had been quite provocative; I blamed the medication for my lack of sexual drive.

I knew the time was coming though, when I would be ready. My pain grew less and less each day.

I took him in my hand and met his gaze.

He was warm in my grip, a throbbing against the palm of my hand. I started to stroke him, and the pad of my thumb pressed against the tip of his cock. Jamie’s eyes were small slits, I knew he wouldn’t close them completely — just so he could watch me.

His hands came to hold my waist, “Sassenach,” he sighed and I moved my hand faster, sliding my other hand in-between his thighs to grip his balls. Jamie arched his back off the couch then fell against the cushions, his breathing becoming more rapid, “Christ, yer wee hands.”

“Does this feel good, Jamie?” I added more pressure from my hand and he squeezed his lips together, unable to speak. I was feeling quite mischievous, so I reluctantly released him and bent my head over his stomach to take him in my mouth.

Jamie’s hand pressed against my shoulder, “No, Sassenach, ye dinna have to.”

“I want to Jamie.” I smiled and my tongue flicked out over his warm skin, the wiry hairs under his belly button scratching my cheek. Jamie groaned as I swirled my tongue on his cock. It didn’t take long before he was groaning and arching his back as he came in my mouth.

His hand was almost too tight on my arm and then suddenly he pulled me up to meet his lips.

Jamie’s grip loosened and he rolled us over so we now lay on our sides. With one hand he tucked himself back into his sweatpants, “Dinna need that hangin’ out or I’m afraid I willna be able to stop myself from takin’ ye mo nighean donn.”

“Soon, I promise.” I whispered against him, our foreheads now pressed together.

“Aye.” He kissed my nose, “Thank ye, Claire. For that.” Jamie’s cheeks went a deep shade of pink, his ears following suit.

++++++

After the movie, we cleaned up and started preparing dinner. Jamie had prepared two grilled cheeses, cheddar, gruyere, and feta with tomato soup on the side. My appetite had grown exponentially so I asked for another and ate it swiftly.

Laying on a blanket outside, hands intertwined, the sky shined above us, the stars twinkling their best for us tonight. Jamie’s thumb rubbed back and forth over my finger, sending a swarm of butterflies to my belly. For months now I hadn’t felt much of anything, least of all butterflies.

Just then, he rolled onto one side and sat up, with his head resting on his hand, “Sassenach, I just want to say a small thing and then I’d like to ask ye to dance.”

I reached up to brush back a stray curl that had fallen in his eyes, “What is it, love?”

“I willna stop lovin’ ye.” His fingers traced along my lips, “No’ in this life or the next, ye are my ev’ry thought,” his fingers brushed my neck and down softly against my collarbones, “my ev’ry heartbeat belongs to you.” Like a marble statue, I lay still as Jamie’s hand continued to trace down my arm and settle to hold my hand.

“Yer face is my heart Sassenach and the love of ye is my soul.”

Closing the space between us, I rolled to my side to kiss him. Jamie knew all the right words to say. I often felt I couldn’t express my feelings properly, at least not in the way that he did.

“I love you, Jamie. Even when I don’t say it as often as I should… just know I’ll never stop loving you either.”

Jamie moved his hand to cover my head which was now adorned with a beanie, the fluffy kind. “I think yer short hair is growin’ on me, Sassenach. Maybe I should join ye and shave off my own hair?”

I opened my eyes wide, “Don’t you dare shave off that beautiful red hair, Jamie Fraser!” I laughed, my hand now touching said hair, “I can pull off this look but you cannot, dear.”

“Och, yer sayin’ ye only love me for my hair then?” He laughed, scooping me up to lay on top of him.

“Aye, Jamie ’tis what I’m sayin’” I mocked his accent which made him laugh and my body move with his.

“Ahh, Sassenach. One of these days I’ll teach ye a proper Scottish accent, yers is terrible.” He kissed me then, thoroughly.

“I promised ye a dance under the stars, mo cridhe and a dance ye shall have.” Jamie rolled us to the side and stood, offering his arms out for me to take. There was music already playing from a small portable stereo Jamie had brought outside.

As he wrapped his arms around my waist, I tucked my head against his chest and the music filled the air.

“And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely, that’s alright, honey, that’s alright with me. Oh you laugh like there’s hope in the story.”

Jamie’s hands rested on my waist, holding me closely to him. The words of the song echoed through my bones. Reminding me to live and to laugh while I still could.

“Oh, you laugh like I’ll be there to hold you always, always here, I’m aways, honey, always here.”

His t-shirt was thin and I felt his rough scars against the pads of my fingertips. The pain that he had been through, the hurt, hanging in the balance of life and death. Jamie had come out on the other side, torn and bruised — but whole. As Jamie swayed us in slow circles, the stars bright above us, I knew I would make it out of this.

++++++

On my birthday, Jamie woke me up with a chocolate cake in bed, softly singing ‘Happy Birthday’. I rolled over onto my back and stared up at him, he was beaming and his smile was so wide it was infectious. I found myself filled with a happiness I hadn’t known for so many months.

“Blow out yer wee candles, Sassenach.” He held the cake out and I inhaled deeply before blowing out the 2 and 8 candles on top.

Jamie set the cake on the side, “What did ye wish for mo nighean donn?”

I pulled him closer and kissed him, “I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.”

“That’s no’ fair…” he kissed my nose, “Weel — is it somethin’ I can do for ye?”

“Like what?” I laughed and then froze as he shimmed down the bed and pulled back the covers. His hands grabbed hold of my ankles. “Jamie,” I said nearly breathless.

“Happy Birthday, Sassenach.” Jamie smiled as he spread me open and placed his mouth firmly between my legs.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[lovely-bangtan7]

The Little Mermaid And Her Human Prince | 8

Pairings: Taehyung x reader

Genre: Mermaid!au; angst, fantasy, fairy tale

Words: 2,2k

Warnings: Mentions of sickness/illness, someone falling down

Summary: Your father, the king of the merfolk, has forbid you to come in contact with the humans. But as you see a ship with humans in need of help, you forget his rule and try to help. Unfortunately, you put yourself in danger and got saved by a beautiful human boy. Since the moment you lied your eyes on him, things have changed.

A/N: Hi! Finally after, I guess 4 weeks, a new chapter! I am so sorry that it took so long but writers block is a bitch and I visited my family in Poland for 2 weeks. I hope that you will still read the new update, eventhough I let you wait for so long.. I also hope that you can enjoy it. Maybe I kind of rushed the things in that chapter, but it’s because of the writers block and that the series might end soon ( idk how many chapters will follow, but the end is very near (sounds weird tho sorry)). So have fun my dears <3

<< Previous Chapter | Chapter 8 | Masterlist 

“When will this girl finally leave?” Amanda said angrily, her dress moving with every move her body does. She was angry and jealous at your relationship with Taehyung. She didn't exactly knew why you were here, at her fiancé’s castle and she wanted you to disappear as soon as possible.

While Amanda ran around her room, screaming her frustration out, her brother Jimin laid on her bed listening to her complaining. “Come on, she isn't dangerous or anything like that!” He told her, even if he didn't believe his own words. Jungkook had told him how Taehyung looked at you and how he treated you. It was clear to everyone, even Amanda and Jimin that Taehyung was in love with you.

“Have you seen how he looks at her?!” She gasped to Jimin who was just rollhis eyes. “That girl, whoever she is and where ever she comes from is in my way!”

“You are overreacting.” Jimin commented more to himself than to his sister, he didn’t bother to listen to her complaints anymore, he started to be sick of his own sister, who always wants her way. “Well, excuse me, I got to go dear sister. I will leave you and your conclusions alone.”

Amanda grunted at her brother, who was now leaving her room, but before he left it she added something, making Jimin turn around on his heel to face his sister.

“I am going to get rid of her on my own then.”

“What the hell are you doing now?!” He asked her, watching her laughing.

The castle started to fill with many guests for the King’s birthday. Many other Kings and Queens from other kingdoms visit the king to celebrate his birthday. It was already evening and the sun set down, letting the many stars dance on the sky and the moon shine so bright in all it’s glory. The castle looked magnificent in the moonlight, the many lights that came from inside made it look even more beautiful.

You were standing in your open window in your room, watching as more and more people came. You were already wearing a beautiful gown, that fit your figure. The long skirt decorated with many flower patterns, you loved it the moment Patricia showed you the dress. She told you that Taehyung ordered a dressmaker to make a dress especially for you.

Your hair was falling down on your shoulders in soft curls.

When you were ready you entered the dance hall, where you saw Jungkook and Jimin dancing the other day. The room was now filled with many people, wearing beautiful clothes, it was warm and it smelled like food, it reminded you of Jin’s kitchen.

You felt the people staring at you, so many unfamiliar faces were in front of you, watching you as you searched for someone you knew. But in all these strange faces was no one you knew. Regrets started to flood your mind as you scanned the room, maybe you shouldn’t have come and stayed in your room? But finally you found a pair of eyes that you actually knew, you felt happy too see her until you realised that Amanda’s eyes watched you with hate and anger. Until now you couldn’t understand whenever you met her, her face was filled with anger?

It felt like a sting in your heart by the thought that you might be alone for tonight in between of so many unknown people. You couldn’t find Namjoon, Jin or Jungkook and neither Taehyung.

You were about to turn around and eventually leave, but a voice stopped you.                  “Y/n! There you are, I waited for you!” Taehyung said with a bright smile, he looks at you up and down and is mesmerized. Taehyung took your hand in his and spinned you around, your dress swirling with you. “You look beautiful…” You smiled at his comment, indeed you felt beautiful in that dress. “Do you want to dance with me?” Taehyung asked you with a hushed voice. You weren’t sure if you should take his offer to dance with him, you didn’t felt comfortable to dance in front of so many people, especially when you learned it only a few days ago. But as you looked him in the eyes, all that didn’t matter anymore.

“Sure.” You answered him and his smile grew even more bright. He took you to the middle of the room, where the guests let a free space for others to dance. Music started to play in the background and you saw how the people circled you and Taehyung and finally you saw some friends of yours. Namjoon, Jimin and Jungkook were also standing at the side, with Taehyung and Jungkook’s father. Your three friends were sending you encouraging smiles and Taehyung’s father wore a proud smile.

Taehyung put his hand on your small back, while he held one of your hand. As soon as the Music started to get louder, you and Taehyung started to dance.

Your long dress dances over the ground as you dance with Taehyung. Your dancing wasn’t perfect, but the moment was. You tried to concentrate on the man who was staring down at you, his eyes filled with so much love. The people around you, your family and Hobi long forgotten. In that moment you had your eyes only for Taehyung.

Everything was perfect until your legs gave up and an unbearable pain shot through your body. You tried to hold on Taehyung, but the pain paralyzed your body and you fell to the ground.

“Y/n? Y/n?!” Taehyung didn’t understood what happened. His face fell in pure horror, from one second to the other his whole world fell apart. “Y/n...whats wrong?” He was unsure what he should do, he was just watching your face strained in pain he didn't noticed that Namjoon and Jungkook rushed to his side and tried to help you bring out of the room.

The guests started to whisper, which soon started to grow into talking. What was going on? Why did you stopped dancing? Why were you in pain?

The noise coming from the guests started to get loud and it hurt your ears, causing an immense pain in your head.

Namjoon and Jungkook brought you back in your room, Patricia and Jin also rushed into your room followed by a confused and sick worried Taehyung.

“What happened? What happened to her?” Patricia demanded an explanation from the boys, who just shrugged helplessly with their shoulders. The older woman shoved Namjoon and Jungkook away and sat down next to your laying figure on your bad. Sweat started to form on your forehead and your breathing was short. “She is burning hot, we need a doctor!”

Taehyung could only watch the scene from the back of the room, unable to move or say a word. Should he have gave you your stone when he found you on the beach? Are you sick because he was too selfish to let you go?

An hour after the doctor finished checking you up and with deep regret he doesn't know what causes your fever and your immense pain. By now every guest has left the castle and almost everyone that worked or lived in the castle was either in your room or standing in front of your room. Everyone was worried about you.

“All I can say is that she needs a lot of rest and that we can just hope for the best.” That is what the doctor said before he left and that’s when everyone else left you alone in your room, so that you could get some rest.

Taehyung couldn't stay any longer in your room, he started to feel guilty, seeing you in pain.

All you wanted is to help him and warn him, the day the sea witch attacked his ship, but now you ended up at the edge of death. Taehyung wanted to punch himself, because he was too selfish and hurt someone he loves so dearly. You and his mom were the only women in his life that he could live with all of his heart, but why is it that he always hurts them? He was standing on the balcony to get some fresh air and some time alone to reflect his past actions and what he should do now.

“Let her go…” said a voice behind him, he didn't notice that Namjoon has joined him on the balcony.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, in all of these years of reading I once read about something that-” Namjoon hesitated for a second, before he started to speak again. “ I don't know how to explain, but y/n is in pain, because she wasn't home for a long time or in other words, she sick because she wasn't in her true form for a long time.”

Namjoon’s words confirmed Taehyungs thought, which he has feared for the past hour. It was his fault that you are in pain.

“You should let her go Taehyung or she will die here!” Namjoon said.

Taehyung was fighting with himself, more like his heart was fighting against him. He promised to help you go back to the ocean, but he fell so hard in live with you that he started to hop that you could stay by his side. Now you were lying here with high fever and pain. He felt bad and guilty, he was mentally punching himself that he didn't gave your stone back the day he had found it.

You can’t force love and sometimes you need to let the ones you love go, they can be happy again

“Okay.” He said, a knot already forming in his throat and his heart growing heavy. “I will let her go.”

Taehyung returned to your room, determined to give you your stone and tell you the story behind it, he wanted to be honest with you and tell you everything. Namjoon decided to let the two of you for that moment alone and went to the kitchen where Jin, Jimin and Jungkook were sitting and talking. All of them looked sad and the atmosphere there was thick. The king and Amanda weren't found anywhere, the boys guessed that they went to their rooms, but neither of them expected the next events. Taehyung came running into the kitchen, with wide eyes and short breathing. The words that came from the oldest prince shocked everyone.

“Y/n isn't in her room!”

“Honey, I am trying to help. Okay?” Said Amanda to your weak figure as she dragged you outside of the castle and went to the sea. “Some fresh air will make you feel better, believe me! I once had to fight with these symptoms too and fresh air helped me.”

You weren't sure why, but you had an odd feeling by her words, you kind of couldn't believe her.

“But the doctor-”

“Screw the doctor, honey. He is old and doesn't know what he is saying. Didn't you hear? He said that he doesn't know why you got sick. What kind of doctor said things like these and give up?” She chuckles and dragged you now quicker in the direction of the sea. “Come on, the air coming from the sea will help you.”

The two girls of you reached to the cliff where you saw Hobi days ago. The sea was dangerously rough and dark. Waves were crashing at the shores of the cliff, the water splashing on your face. It didn't felt good, it was really cold and you felt uncomfortable by it and all you wanted is to go back to the castle where it was safe for you. “Amanda, I don't think that this is a good idea. Let's go back please.”

“Go back, huh.” Amanda said standing behind you, dangerously near. “So you can run back into the arms of my dear fiancé, my soon-to-be husband?”

“What are you talking about?” Amanda started to be scary, her words were aroused with disgust and anger, what wrong with her and why did she bring you here?

“Of Course you don't know what I am talking about. How pathetic. You think that I don't notice that you are trying to steal him from me? Take my spot?” She said while slowly walking to you, in small steps, she stared you in your eyes, her sharp eyes digging in you own eyes. If looks could kill someone, you were sure that this look what have already ripped you in many parts. “Y/n, listen here. He is mine and you will never be able to take him away.”

Taehyung and his friends searched every spot in the castle. It shouldn't be hard to find a sick girl, who was barely able to walk on her own to find right?

“Have you searched outside?” Jungkook asked his older brother. Taehyung didn't think twice about that instead he ran outside as fast as he could. He wanted to find you as soon as possible and get you save, back in his arms. Without thinking he ran to the direction of the cliff that was near the castle and the second he got near it he could hear screams and the horrible sound of a body hitting the water, down the cliff.

[ember373]

11/29/20 12:37 pm

Yesterday, I was kneeling on the ground, wrapping presents. You came in like a wet thunderous storm and started with your litany of everything that has aggrieved you in the last hour, weeks, days. Interspersed with more f bombs than you typically say in a year, it seemed that was your favorite word of the moment even tho you profess to hate it so much. It happens to be one of my favorite words, but you always shame me whenever I use it. But there you were, using it freely like a free sample at a grocery store on a Sunday.

First it was the daughter. Then it was your faulty brand new shoes. Then the new pants that didn’t live up to your expectations. Then it was all the piles in the room that you keep hounding me to take care of. Then it was the house. On and on, just a constant barrage of complains and fuck, fuck, fuck.

I just sat there. Silent. At first, I had tried to ask what was wrong. I was trying to walk you through your rage and frustrations so you could release them and be better. But I quickly realized that this was one of those moments where anything I said would be wrong. Everything I did was wrong. There have been more and more of those moments lately. So I just sat there. Silent. Eventually I slowly continued wrapping the present I was on before you stormed in. Then as quickly as you came in, you were gone, stomping downstairs so the whole house could hear and feel your displeasure.

As I sat there, slowly wrapping the gift, turning it over, folding decorative paper, carefully taping it together-I was hit with a lot of emotions. A lot of...feels, for lack of a better word. How many times in our life together had you done this to me? How many times in the last few months had you done this to me? How many times did I attempt to pull you out of it only to be flung against an emotional brick wall to lay battered and bruised while you raged on? I always thought it was my fault somehow. If I kept a cleaner house, just did what you wanted, catered to you-it would make you happy, right? It would lessen the anger, right? It never did. That’s how I got lost.

I’ve barely found myself, and it’s certainly hard to hold on to that girl when you come in raging like a beast like that. Everything in me wants to revert back to the scared little girl I was. Just get stuff done so he’ll be happier! Kill yourself to clean the whole house top to bottom! Get rid of everything because since he doesn’t find any use for it, it must all be useless! This is HIS house! He should feel happy in it, dammit! Who cares about how you feel? IT DOESN’T MATTER.

I held back tears as I placed a shiny red bow on top of the present. Took deep breaths as I added small tabs of additional tape to hold it in place as I knew that these shiny hard puff balls like to jump off presents at the first chance. I really wanted to cry. But it wasn’t the place or time. So I sat there, feeling like I was drowning in all the emotions, but calmly grabbed the next item to be wrapped. Which paper should I choose for this one? The polar bears? The spaceships? You came back upstairs and I didn’t look your way once. I just slowly and methodically wrapped the presents, my focus entirely on the task at hand. You left me alone.

Inside, I am breaking. My heart keeps breaking. My soul keeps breaking. I struggle to do this. To stay and do what’s ‘right’. To not hurt anyone as much as I can help it. To do the things that are expected of me (within a certain limit because I’m tired of being tired all the time). I’m trying to find that balance between staying true to myself and being my own person while still doing enough to keep you happy or satisfied. But it’s never enough. I knew it when I broke down completely and lost myself, and I’ve known it every day since. I keep telling myself it’s ok. Let the storm pass and pick yourself back up when it’s calmer and just put one foot in front of the other. Keep going. Do one thing at a time. Ignore the raging. You don’t own me. I’m a person. My own person. A living breathing human being that has her own thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, and opinions.

But I really got to thinking about how not one little corner of this house feels like mine. You have to have your hands and your opinions in everything. I gave up my craft room, my sanctuary and the only space I could call mine that wasn’t anybody else’s, when we had our third child. My love, my joy-so I never resented him for having to give up that room. But there isn’t one corner of this house where I can just be myself. My messy self. Because I’m not like you. I don’t need an immaculate dustless museum of a home. I like order, but I always have my messes that get dealt with in their own time. I used to have a room to contain them, but now I have nothing. And you constantly go around and point them out, threatening to just throw everything out while I’m away one day. Don’t you realize that you’re threatening to throw me out? Haha...wouldn’t that be nice. But you wouldn’t actually throw ME out, you’d just throw out everything that I am. It’s of no consequence to you as long as I can do what you want me to do.

Why can’t you see how much you hurt me? Why can’t you care enough to let me go? Why do you insist on stomping me beneath your feet? Does it make you feel better? I get it. It’s the holiday season, which is hard for you because your work gets chaotic. I get it. The virus has added to that stress. But why do you insist on taking it out on me? On the whole family? I’m not even allowed to have a political opinion for god’s sake. I’m not allowed to have any opinions!! You just keep tearing me down and tearing me apart and shoving me so far down. You keep yelling at me to stop talking because I’ll get all riled up and then I’ll become a bitch and the whole house will be affected. LMFAO!! Look in the mirror dickhead!! I’m actually able to rationally look at things. Yes, I feel pain. Yes, I feel disparity. BECAUSE I’M FUCKING HUMAN. But I also know when to let it go because there’s nothing I can do about it. Get the feel out and move on. But you never let me do that because apparently everything I think is wrong. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN’T LET IT GO. You’re the one who gets pissed off at us because of how you feel about the world right now.

You got mad at me because Lille mentioned that the dumbest states are red. The smartest states are blue. You went off about how this is why the country is divided because we always have to profile people (stop using that fucking word. IT DOESN’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS). I try to back you up while still showing Lille the way-ok, we shouldn’t say dumbest and smartest. We should least educated and most educated because the results are indicitive of education levels. You go off again about how we’re being prejudiced and we need to stop saying all red people are stupid. I back you up again-we shouldn’t say all red people are undeducated and dumb. Yes, a large percentage are, but that doesn’t mean they’re not smart in other ways. I’m not going to agree with you and that pisses you off. Our daughter thinks like me and that pisses you off. We’re smarter than you. And that pisses you off.

Later you berate me in private for that. She gets it from you, you know, you snipe at me. I can’t tell you I’m proud of that. I’m proud that I raised a daughter that looks at data and makes her own educated opinion. I just try to placate you, but I’m not about to tell you she’s wrong. I just tell you facts are facts and it’s a fact that red states are less educated. I won’t even touch on all that implies with what’s been going on currently because you can’t fucking handle it. You cut me off and berate me some more. I’m the problem. I’m the reason why everyone is divided. Me and people like me. I need to stop talking to my kids about this stuff. They’re getting all this nonsense from me. I want to tell you to Fuck off but I just stay quiet. You know tho. You’ve said it before. When I go silent, it’s a silent fuck you. I can’t ever have an educated well thought out discussion with you. You never listen. You have your own opinions and if mine differ or I have an educated opinion about something, you get mad because I’m either trying to show off, call you dumb and wrong, or I’m going to get worked up and take it out on everyone. I never get to speak. All my words just stay stuffed down in my chest.

Why don’t you get anything done? You ask. Why are you always tired? Why do you still take depression meds? BECAUSE OF YOU I want to shout. Do you know how much happier I’d be if you let me go? But you won’t. And so all I can do at that time is to focus on wrapping presents while I feel myself breaking apart inside. While my whole being aches for someone who understands. Who cares like I need them to care. Your caring is killing me. I always think to myself at random times throughout the day-how long will I live? Will I go soon? My heart did a weird thing again, maybe I’m going to have a heart attack. I should have that looked in to. But I don’t. Because at least then I would be free.

I had a weird little vignette yesterday. I had been sick and I was dying. L was by my side, she was an adult. I was very old. I felt the end was near and saw L crying and I told her with my last breath ‘Don’t cry sweet girl. At least now I’ll finally be free.’ And then I died with a sad smile on my face. At my funeral, one of my sons (I’m not sure which one, I couldn’t see the face and it seemed detached from any personality) waxed poetic at the podium about how I told my daughter not to be sad because I was finally free of the illness that had caused me pain. As he droned on about I was going up to Heaven to help prepare a special place for all my loved ones, free of pain, I noticed a man in the back of the crowd. A man who bitterly smiled when he heard the words about me being free. Because he knew. He knew that what I meant was that I was finally free of you. Because I really feel that the only way I will be free is through death.

I keep hoping this is the year. This is the even that M saw. That C saw. I can see the possibilities. But am I really that lucky? And, do I really have the strength and determination to go through it? I’m so very tired. And I feel like I’m being punished for something. This is my fate. To be miserable, to stay miserable, to die miserable. That man at the back of the crowd? He’s that small sliver of hope that M gave me when she said I’d meet the love of my life. But you know, she said she saw a man for my mom for over 15 years and he never came forward because my mom couldn’t do what she needed to do to make room for them to meet. How am I different? That man? He doesn’t exist. I don’t think he ever will exist. Because I’m weak and pathetic like my mom.

So I keep wrapping presents. Willing my brain to go numb so I stop thinking about anything anymore. Wondering when the next time you’ll yell at me will be. I’m sorry, you don’t yell. When the next time you’ll be grumpy will be. Reminding myself that nothing I’ve done has ever been good enough for you and will never be good enough for you, so I shouldn’t beat myself up over it and just move on. But it’s not as easy that. I felt it. I feel all of it. And I can’t ever get rid of it. I carry them with me, these wounds to my soul. They are a heavy burden that I’ve just gotten used to. I used to hope they would heal. Tried to find someone that could maybe help heal them. But they all just gave me scars of their own. Perhaps it’s my fate. My karmic burden to bear. My fault for not being stronger. For being weak and pathetic.

So I just keep wrapping presents. It’s all I can think of to do at the moment.