#not because i want to have ocd but because im afraid i do regardless

[caffeinatedopossum]

I hate that the only compulsions I have aren't stereotypical ocd compulsions, not because I think it wouldn't also be torture to need to clean or check my locks constantly, but because I feel like I don't actually have ocd if my compulsions are just things like skin picking, pacing, or looking things up repeatedly

[ethernetmeep]

i learned today that i seemed to deal with a heavy weight of scrupulosity as a preadolescent child, particularly the religious aspect of it.. then again, my experience with religion as a whole is strange. i’d prefer to discuss this with a person face-to-face of sorts, not to downplay the way i enjoy typing words and sending them out to the general populous of the 7 or so individuals here of course, but just because seeing how it contrasts with another persons way of living would be interesting.

for example, (and this is highly personal, but i feel comfortable sharing it to whomever may see! i am okay being vulnerable, at the moment..) when i was young i have a distinct memory of being petrified to speak alone to a priest. it was an act of confession all the students of the religious education group had to do, but i was horrified. i was afraid of admitting what i’d done, but i didn’t even know if i did anything. i was constantly afraid of being morally wrong, but also afraid to be alone with that man. i remember crying my eyes out to not do it, begging and sobbing, and i somehow managed to get out of it.

i tell my mother that memory and she asks me why i didn’t wish to get out sooner. i wanted to; i just didn’t think she’d believe me, and if she did i didn’t think she would do anything about it. regardless, during many of my years in religious education i was sick to my stomach about it. i personally don’t remember this, likely blocking out the memory due to awful things surrounding it, but by my mothers words one day one of my instructors had apparently told our class anyone who was gay would burn in hell. yeah yeah insert your jokes here, haha, funny funny i get it, (<- sarcasm) but it sincerely and horribly fucked with my young mind. ever since that day, i think i was afraid. i was afraid of dying & going to hell, essentially; even if i didn’t know what i was, i knew i was something different and that i was wrong. abnormal.

i think back on those days. i think about a young child being abnormally afraid of something that was originally supposed to be comforting. it probably was at a younger age, and although possibly comforting in theory the religion itself isn’t one i particularly cling with. i have more bad memories than good. i still feel awful for disappointing my grandmother by never completing my confirmation. the only reason i went on with it for so long was because of both being forced to and simultaneously because i was told it would help with marriage. there was no real benefit; i didn’t believe in it, only did it because i had to, and by the time you as a individual got older they stopped giving out snacks. that was the only part i enjoyed

..anyway, take all this as you will. ive since seemed to grow out of the intense paranoia i had as a child, but it occasionally manages to seep back in. learning there was a term for this & that i hadn’t just been crazy was both very comforting & simultaneously a punch to the gut. apparently i have a severe case of OCD tendencies.. which lines up, with both genetics and the entire way i function anyway. i also have had a pretty prominent sort of acknowledgment for what is definitely over a year now that i have autism to some degree.. its almost uncomfortably obvious in the way i function, i think. professional diagnosis is long and expensive. i’ve been asking for months about if i go have a sort of check up of sorts with the man who proctored me. probably been waiting for over a year; nothing. it is what it is, i suppose

the reason i say this is many things; the rather blatant fact i am confused by statements like ‘apple of my eye’ or ‘heart on my sleeve’, although i know what they mean, they’re still perplexing to me. why not just say someone is unique? heart on ones sleeve is a bit easier to comprehend so therefore i don’t really have a thing to translate it to, but i digress.. maybe its because im very literal. i notice intricate details and remember niche unimportant memories. im awful at reading social cues. sometimes i seem be make others uncomfortable without knowing. this ends up making me viscerally mad and upset at myself, as i frequently get frustrated with my own inability to read social situations well. what i would categorize as a special interest is difficult besides the entirety of the ocean & sea creatures & whatnot.. then again, thats a big category of interests. im unsure. loud noises freak me out & i tend to do repetitive motions. i dislike odd textures of food or hard mixed in with soft or chewy in smooth & other enigmas. i have no clue how my friends can eat the school parfaits without puking from the sensory nightmare. i have comfort items like the sea slug i carry with me. i am acutely paranoid of many things. i accidentally say things which come off as rude which are just observations. i also can be very blunt & come off as rude when i don’t mean to. i hold an overwhelming amount of empathy; its odd, so many proctors say people with autism have very little empathy, but its not always like that.. some have too much. its a spectrum..

anyway.. im tired. moral OCD is an odd thing. i feel like an idiot for not realizing ive had so many of these signs from early childhood, especially considering my mother..

apparently its meant to rain tomorrow. that will be fun :-)

[shattered-catalyst]

Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?

This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.

If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.

OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.

This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.

 Whomst can write it? 

Literally anyone as long as you 

● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives 

● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.

● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.

● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here* 

● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.

. What isnt OCD? 

● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective. 

● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical 

● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)

 ● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD. 

● Making sure objects are lined up neatly 

● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes

● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)

The Barest minimum 

Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it. 

OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.

1. Obsessions are the thoughts 

2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC 

3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks

 4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed 

*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD. 

Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts: 

Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far. 

First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples. 

Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc 

This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought. 

Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions. 

The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them. 

If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form. 

Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else 

I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain. 

This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.

Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain. 

Again for clarity's sake 

If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff 

If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals 

If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD 

Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything. 

What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks. 

Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered. 

● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience. 

Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong. 

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. 

This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .

 It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.

It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds. 

It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.

Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful; 

● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.

● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.

● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses. 

● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that... 

● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars. 

To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity. 

Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture. 

In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ; 

Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD), 

Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.

OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment. 

OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.

OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.

OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not

OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations. 

OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses. 

OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that. 

OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety! 

OCD according to NIMH statistics 

1.2% Occurrence among US adults 

2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults 

34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning

OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:

Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high

ADHD

Autism 

GAD

Eating Disorders

Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts

Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.

Batman (DC)

Riddler (?)(DC)

Domino (Marvel)

 Cyclops (Marvel)

[mental-health-advice]

hi okay so, I've heard this and im kind of worried now..

so,,i believe im possibly trans and in fact have thought this for almost eight years. but now im still struck by paranoia and fear that i am faking it. not only that, but I've heard that OCD can cause gender dysphoria or intrusive thoughts convincing you to think you are trans..

i honestly don't mind if i am or not, but my mind just wont let me make my mind up. its been a roller coaster and im having trouble with accepting myself because with my mind being paranoid like this i don't even know what the me ill accept even is yet..

is there anything i can do to alleviate this paranoia so i can maybe decide for sure if this is what i want? i just am scared ill make the wrong choice and regret it...(also doesn't make it easy that I've been told im making a wrong choice by others anyway) i just really need to find a way to be content at this point..

Hey lovely,

Thank you for reaching out to us. I hope we can be of help!

It is true that OCD can cause you to worry about experiencing gender dysphoria. However, I think those feelings are different than actually experiencing gender dysphoria. You see, with OCD the intrusive thoughts are more along the lines of ‘what if I’m experiencing gender dysphoria?’ and constantly checking to see whether you might be experiencing it. That is different than actually experiencing it.

Regardless of what others are telling you, your gender identity is valid! Transitioning is a valid choice. If that’s what you want, then by all means do so! It is a scary step to take and I understand being afraid that you’ll make the wrong choice and regret it. That’s why I think it’s good to discuss it with people who support you (so not people who tell you that you’re making a wrong choice). With people who support you, you can truly talk about making that choice without their judgement and you can see whether it actually feels good for you. If you need to, take some time to get used to the idea, let it simmer in your head and see how you feel about it after. There’s no rush.

If you feel like it would take away some of your worries, you can also look into whether detransitioning might be possible with the things you want to change. So if you want to start hormone therapy, would the effects of that be possible to reverse if you did indeed change your mind. I’m not saying that you will change your mind, but it might help be of reassurance for you if you knew what would and what wouldn’t be reversible.

I understand where the paranoia is coming from. These are some big decisions, so it’s understandable that you start doubting whether you’re actually trans. But the fact that you’ve thought you were trans for almost eight years, tells me that you really are trans. If it was born out of paranoia, you would have been paranoid first and then think you’re trans. With you it’s the other way around, you thought you were trans before the paranoia came that you thought you were faking it. So no, I don’t think you’re faking it!

I hope my answer can be reassuring for you and that you feel confident in your identity and decisions regarding it. Let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help you!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[boomtick]

i think ive posted about this before but this year has done a real number on my ability 2 be Reasonable about like, basic human things. for example, my chest feels tight? could be anxiety, could be a deadly virus. im tired? could be depressed, could be the virus. and the thing is that being anxious about all of these small things is making me like, More anxious, which, regardless of their origin, makes those symptoms Worse. i am just a scaredy-cat which is not such a good thing to be in a for-profit health system. im just really anxious and panicky and like, if something is genuinely bad i know where i can go to seek out help! but like !!!!!! im constantly anxious and afraid in general and scared particularly of death (my own AND others’). like. im in a bad place lately and im trying to take it day by day, but like, that is really hard sometimes.

tonight i went shopping for groceries which is always very stressful honestly (though fortunately it went well & i even got more groceris than usual, which will probably help me, because i never buy enough and then i regret it. so i was anxious all afternoon and then i have been anxious since getting home. like. I GET IT. my brain is doing its thing! and it’s not a purely irrational anxiety, which makes it harder for me to talk myself out of it. but. i do what i can. im breathing, im drinking water, im about to go to sleep and try to rest. i also have not been sleeping well lately (maybe for the last week or so??) -- i keep having weird dreams and i keep waking up feeling unrested.

god just writing this down has been so helpful. having something to focus on. something to write. ive been watching a lot of things lately -- youtube videos, community -- but i havent been doing things with my hands. granted writing only kind of counts but i did not realize how good it would feel to do this until i was on the second paragraph, like, i feel intensely relieved now, which is kind of wild. at this point this post is more or less a freewrite so uh, here we are. i should do some art or some writing tomorrow. maybe some timed writing will help me. also i had a rough december on a personal level. i was really really stressed and thought i had appendicitis (fortunately i didnt) and then spent a week and a half watching bad tv and thinking i was going to die of a ruptured appendix in my sleep and then was stressed because i didnt want to see anyone for christmas and then was stressed because the power went out in my apartment building for like 16 hours and i was scared my plants would get too cold and die and then -- anyway you get the idea. all that on top of like, the virus, knowing people are dying more and more every day, knowing that my friends are at risk,,,,, etc etc. it’s genuinely scary!!!!! and i have it much easier than i could! i work from home, i live alone, etc. im just really doing badly and writing this out is making it incredibly obvious that my ocd is acting up. which i’ve Known (i literally have eczema from obsessive hand washing -- what a stereotype jesus christ) but like i really spent a whole month convinced i was gonna die. what a silly mental illness!!!!!!!