#not an official diagnosis but i do not care pls just let me send a message to someone without having a MELTDOWN
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guesss who’s finally getting (put on a waiting list for) therapy for social anxiety who even saw that coming defo not meeee i’m so Shocked
#not an official diagnosis but i do not care pls just let me send a message to someone without having a MELTDOWN#cat complains#what a year 2023 i’m so glad i’m getting this seen to
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Howdy!
10/?/24 Original text in white
12/12/24 im making edits/updates to this in blue
Ive been on tumblr since 2012 but this is a new blog specifically for my current health journey.
Im honestly not a fan of tumblr much anymore or the internet in general. I really enjoyed going out and doing things in person until my body decided to stop functioning. I’m hoping to revamp my love of tumblr and be able to socialize from my bed.
Here are some things about me:
I am in my mid 20’s but typically get along well with people older than me
im transmasc/ non-binary /who cares? Is femboy a gender?
Im the fruitiest person you will ever meet
Im married but also polyam
Neurodivergent af Autistic AF actually according to my therapists new discovery 😅
I am on EST time
I was raised Jewish and am still vaguely jewish but also kindof witchy. I AM NOT A ZIONIST LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR. That shit is FUCKED.
I am diagnosed with too many mental health issues to list tbh but most recently i was diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder which i feel encompasses all my things. I might also have other dissociative things happening apparently. Working on figuring that out
I am diagnosed with gastroparesis but its comorbid to an unknown autoimmune disease that we cant seem to figure out They figured it out (sortof)! I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that was triggered by a virus. Im officially diagnosed with Chronic EBV ( EBV=mono) because they are %99 sure thats the virus that did it according to my symptoms and way too many antibodies in my bloodwork but i have my suspicions and am trying to get a second opinion before i say %100
I was previously living on my own but now live back with my parents which has been ROUGH Its getting alot rougher and trying to apply to subsidized housing
I was raised in a conservative family in a semi-rural area where I was one of the only people of color that i knew of so my entire cultural identity has been pretty whitewashed and i hold alot of trauma about it
I was formerly an aspiring art teacher and was teaching as an assistant teacher for kindergartners. It was something I really loved until i had to resign due to my health
Hobbies/interests
ART! what kind of art? ALL OF IT!
crafts ( yes different from art in my head)
Thrifting
I collect y2k nostalgia toys (mostly furbys and carebears but my collection is honestly so huge at this point i have alot)
Cozy video games but only whatever im currently fixated on
Social card games (think CAH except not CAH , i don’t like that one after playing it 5 billion times)
Plushies
Poetry ( pls ask to read them 👉🏻👈🏻)
The Twilight Saga but in a meme way (yes im a TSP ratty🐀 iykyk)
The office
Kirby but also any cute Nintendo character tbh
Things i will be posting
Chronic illness rants and vents
Chronic illness memes
i like to make mood boards alot ( if you send me your diagnosis or any type of theme i will probably say yes)
General inquiries such as “has anyone else had this shit happen?”
Positive updates when i find things that work
Updates on my latest “stuck at home” projects
Original poetry and artwork about chronic illness/pain
Quotes i relate to as a disabled person ( will credit)
Things that will not be happening
I wont be making a DNI list , im a leftist please use common sense
Please no minors, no offence im just old
I DO NOT subscribe to what I like to call “tumblr brain rot” let me explain!
I see alot of division on here that usually comes down to two different groups of people who use identities that aren’t “typical” and people who gatekeep a community and hate anyone who doesn’t align to their way of thinking. I WILL NOT be choosing sides in any of these arguments. I think that people should identify with whatever they want . I do not care how niche it is. HOWEVER, i am horrified by some of the commentary from people with niche identities that expect others to immediately understand that identity without giving anyone a chance to understand. Nobody can ever learn to accept something you wont help them understand. I am also a firm believer that people can change and grow. Canceling someone for unforgivable behavior is one thing. Canceling someone for an honest mistake gives me the ick. Please ask yourself “ is this a pattern of behavior or something they are working on?” before making a call out post. In fact maybe we shouldn’t make call out posts about people unless they are genuinely dangerous. If its discourse exclusive to tumblr please just keep me out of it.
Activism!
Yes! If youve made it this far then you know that beyond tumblr there are BIG problems out there that internet discourse unfortunately will not solve. Im a huge follower of many activist movements but here are the ones i most interact with.
Trans rights , especially the rights of trans children and destroying the stigma around trans people being inherently sexual and dangerous to children. ( as a former trans teacher who has been thoroughly harrassed even though i was excellent at my job i have had a bone to pick with these shitheads)
Queer/POC intersectionality , i often go to panels and discussions on this matter because it is deeply personal to me as a person of color with blue hair and pronouns. I have been made fun of all my life for not conforming to Hispanic stereotypes and doing things people consider “white liberal culture”. Fun fact: not all trans people look the same.
Disability rights but also Autism Acceptance, my wife is autistic and im adhd and also physically disabled. PEOPLE DESERVE ACCOMMODATIONS. Being in a relationship with an autistic person for many years has made me very very pissed on thier behalf and on behalf of anyone who functions differently. News flash: everyone deserves to have thier needs met and that includes needs you dont understand.
recently started going to a-lot of events for Palestine. Doing a-lot of more vaguely human rights activism because im fucking exhausted with being part of like 5-6 different minorities and the new BULLSHIT in the USA. The human rights work is focused around Palestine currently for obvious reasons
I will gladly attend pretty much ANY virtual event/meeting to support these causes. I am always available to speak on my personal experience or assist with public speaking. If its an in-person event please DM me to discuss if it’s possible for me physically and logistically. ( pls note that altho i do not support isreal that the events in Palestine really hit a rough spot for me mentally because my jewish family members gosupersayan if they catch me supporting Palestine. Sometimes im in the headspace for it but other times its really triggering to remember that ive been disowned by most of my family for it) Yeah i fucking snapped in like mid November and have been going feral with the Palestine Activism. Done caring about what my toxic ass family members say
This is getting really long so im going to stop but im very extroverted so plz ask me things i need social interaction. Im actually starting to go a lil crazy from social isolation so please! I used to teach underprivileged children and i need people to care for or i’m going to perish. *taps hood of car* this puppy can hold so many energy for giving emotional support. Im very wise and good at advice. Bout to make a resume for friends 😭
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A continuation of the amazing Pirate Snafu AU for @persipneiwrites, this is like an explosion of my love for pirates and snafu and I couldnt contain it so pls take it, get it out of my head. read persipnei's original first cause basically gene just told snaf he was dying of scurvy to trick him into taking gene, who snaf had saved from a shipwreck, home. And now snaf has to decide to return to Mobile or continue on his quest.
In the light of impending mental uncertainty, Snafu does what he always does...retreat to the peace and quiet of his Captain's quarters to surround himself with all his favorite maps. There isn't a surface in the tiny cramped space not covered in maps. Large, detailed maps, with scribbly corrections done in Snafu's own writing. A lot of times the cartographers are going off theoretical knowledge when they chart the coastlines. Snafu, on the other hand, has the worldly experience necessary to fix them. He hasn't exactly gone everywhere yet, but he's gotten pretty close.
He shuffles through the papers with a little more force than is probably warranted to dig out an old handheld mirror. It's cracked, and weather beaten, but it'll do the trick. Baring his teeth in front of the glass he sticks a finger under his lip and pokes around. Nothing hurts exactly, but there is a tightness to his chest that makes him nervous. One tooth he pokes actually wiggles a little, and that makes him even more nervous.
He shoves open the cabin door and yells, "Burgie!"
His first mate appears almost instantly.
"Find his majesty. Send him to my cabin," Snafu says.
Burgie agrees, looking extremely tired.
Snafu shuts himself back in, sits on his bed (which takes up almost as much space as the maps) and continues turning the mirror this way and that, trying to get a better angle. He very nearly can see the backside of his teeth by the time Sledge finally quietly lets himself into the room.
"What do you want?" Sledge asks, sullen.
Snafu smirks. He knows Sledge still considers himself apart from the crew. The boy doesn't like it when Snafu tries to order him about.
Snafu gestures to the space in front of him, "You said your father's a doctor. I want a thorough examination."
"You're joking," Sledge deadpans.
Snafu kicks a velvet covered stool in Sledge's direction and leans back on his hands, waiting patiently.
Sledge sighs miserably and straddles the stool. He scoots forward until his knees knock against Snafu's. Snafu holds completely still, barely breathing, until Sledge gently takes hold of Snafu's jaw and guides his mouth open. Snafu would almost describe Sledge's touch as delicate, if he were the type to use such vocabulary.
"Your breath stinks," Sledge complains and completely ruins the mood Snafu is trying to build.
"Yeah?" Snafu grins.
Sledge rolls his eyes and focuses on the task at hand.
Sledge's hands are so soft, and clean. Too damn clean to be anywhere near Snafu's mouth. But Sledge examines Snaf's teeth and gums anyway, and has him move his tongue around to inspect every bit. It all seems very procedural and official. And by the end of it Snafu's left front teeth hurt like hell, right down to the bone.
So he isn't surprised by Sledge's eventual diagnosis.
Snafu makes the announcement right before dinner. He wears his biggest hat. Straps his sword to his belt for show. Usually he does without weaponry whole on the boat. He trusts his crew enough. They're like family. Better than, even.
His crew watches him, trustingly, as he tells them they'll be turning around. That the big score he's been planning for over six months will have to wait. It means longer hours with less food. And no recreational time at port.
As Snafu makes his speech, he eyes Eugene Sledge, who stands off in a corner, arms crossed, face set in stone. Snafu wonders if Sledge is aware just how costly his request actually is.
Snafu trusts his crew with his life. But in under four months the communal treasury will be gone, and if he hasn't replenished it by then, he will be gone too. They wouldn't kill him. But they'd leave him in the nearest port and take his ship, in which case he might as well be dead.
"We're going to Mobile, to see this Governor-Doctor," Snafu concludes, looking straight at Sledge while he does, "And if it turns out we don't got scurvy, we'll take his majesty's ransom" he pantomimes a salute to Sledge, "...and kill him."
The crew jeers. None of them like Sledge.
Snafu's eyes trail down Sledge's lean neck, watching intently as the man swallows. Snafu expected Sledge to be smug, triumphant. Instead all Snafu sees is fear.
Fear is not the look Snafu wants from Eugene Sledge, but it's the one he is used to.
Snafu returns to his quarters and locks the door.
He only reappears hours later, on the edge of twilight. The sun is no longer relentless, and the sea is calm for once. These evening hours have become his time to hold court. Wherever he ends up perching on the ship, his men will find him and air any grievances. It's a daily reminder that his Captaincy is communal rather than appointed. Even if he is the one with a formal claim to the ship.
He goes through three pirates with money troubles, two women having a domestic disagreement, and one man who had something to say about the cat - before Burgie finally slides in next to him. It's nearly dark, and this nook under the bow they're squatting in makes the shadows pitch black. It's similar to the opening of the tiny storage space Snafu first hid in as a kid. Not a lot of unused space on a ship. But a skinny half starved child can fit in almost any cranny with the right motivation. He had been caught halfway through the voyage, and forced to swab decks for the rest of the journey.
"You don't have it," Burgie says without preamble.
Snafu cuts his eyes towards his first mate with suspicion.
"Haven't you wondered why our crew has had zero cases since I came on board?" Burgie asks.
"Just thought we were lucky, I guess," Snafu drawls and takes a smoke.
"Last crew I sailed with, the Captain decided to do an experiment. After he went to Asia, he learned that lemons were said to be able to prevent scurvy on long voyages. So, he gave the crew of his command ship three spoonfuls of lemon juice every day while the rest of the ships in his fleet did without. The men on the other ships started dropping like flies. Most of them didn't make it. I had to transfer to another ship just to help bring her in to port. It was cruel, the conditions that bastard put us in. To use us as test cases. It was mere luck I ended up on the command ship. Switched with a friend. He held out till the final week before he succumbed," Burgie says, ''I jumped ship after that. Couldn't stay watching that kind of treatment and not be able to do anything about it."
"You say your last Captain made it to Asia?" Snafu asks.
That's where Snafu wants to go. The Pacific Ocean.
Burgie sighs, "Snaf, I ordered the cook to give everyone daily lemon rations for a reason. You don't have scurvy, and if you keep taking my elixir you never will. Eugene lied."
"Eugene Sledge," Snafu extends the name as long as it can go, testing his limits. He grins down at the water below him. "Pretty little rich boy with hair like copper. Do you think he's ginger down there too?"
Burgie scoffs and stands to leave, "If you're taking him home because you want to fuck him, fine. But don't pretend like you're doing this for the health of the crew."
"Everyone knows scurvy is a luck game," Snafu taunts, still grinning.
"If you'd rather trust luck than me, you better be careful before yours runs out," Burgie warns kindly. He turns his back on his Captain.
"Burgie?" Snafu stops him just before he goes.
Burgie turns, questioning.
"Don't tell nobody," Snafu says. His face grows somber and he looks his first mate dead in the eye, "I don't want to have to kill him."
Burgie looks sad. But he nods.
A couple nights later Snafu finds Sledge, after he's had some time to think.
"The sailors cut my hammock again," Sledge complains the minute Snafu sits down next to him.
Snafu doesn't answer.
Sledge brought his troubles with the crew mostly on himself. He made no effort to learn anything about sailing, or to pitch in and lighten the duties of the sailors he's demanding work from as they take him home. He didn't even know enough about knots to tell when a rope has been cut or merely untied.
No one cuts rope on a ship unless it's an emergency.
Instead of saying all that, Snafu lights his rolled tobacco, and passes it to Sledge.
Sledge characteristically refuses the smoke.
They sit in silence that's almost companionable for an entire watch. Some of the crew pass by, as if wanting to talk to their Captain, but no one bothers them. Eventually they're given a wide berth and left completely alone.
Snafu seizes his chance. He sucks in his bottom lip. Then releases it. "Liars never prosper," he says.
Sledge sits up very straight. "You're a pirate," the boy says, "thought all your old breed did was lie?"
"Naw," a smile drifts across Snafu's face despite himself, "Gotta stick to the code. No lying."
Eugene immediately gets defensive, "All I want is to go home. I'm not asking for anything else."
Snafu casts his eyes to the sky. He is sick of hearing the same line over and over. "You are," he says, exasperated, "Going home. So don't be dumb and tell the crew I don't have scurvy."
"Wasn't planning on it," Eugene snaps.
"Good," Snafu says, equally harsh.
"Glad we've come to an understanding then," Eugene quips.
It takes every good samaritan bone buried deep in Snafu's body to not shove Sledge off the ship's rail and into the water then and there.
Or maybe it's just that Snafu wants one certain good samaritan buried deep in him that he's being so unusually lenient. He's not thinking very straight at the moment.
"The offer to sleep in my quarters still stands," Snafu says calmly in a final answer to Sledge's first problem, "Bed's big enough for two."
Sledge laughs caustically.
"I won't try anything," Snafu says defensively. He finally looks Eugene in the eye to convey that he's being genuine. "I promise." Snafu's last two words are only slightly sarcastic which in his mind is a great sacrifice.
But Eugene is staring at him balefully with those big sullen eyes of his, and Snafu aches. It is unfair to want so much when the other person doesn't.
"How old are you?" Eugene asks, still glaring, and turning the non sequitur tables over on Snafu.
Snafu looks at him. Tries to take the man's soul out through his eyes and divine his motivations. Then Snaf laughs, as if it worked. "I stowed away on my first ship at twelve," he says, "Led my first mutiny at seventeen. That was a year ago. I guess that makes me eighteen."
"Jesus christ, you're younger than me," Sledge says all in one breath like a revelation.
"No one on this boat is more green than you, Sledge," Snafu points out.
The man in question ignores this comment. Instead he focuses on Snaf's age. "You don't look it. Eighteen, I mean."
Snafu arches his back with a bit of pride, "Probably because I'm the meanest asshole this side of the atlantic."
"You're not mean, you're just defensive," Sledge counters, "That's different than being malicious."
"All the men I sent down to Davy Jones' locker would probably argue otherwise," Snafu taunts. A smile is growing on his face and he doesn't know what to do about it.
"Yeah. Okay," Sledge teases, "You're a mean tough pirate, I know."
Snafu is really laughing now. He can't seem to stop. It comes in bursts, like the waves far below his feet. Like all the joy he's had stuffed inside him burst free for this one moment of absurdity. One moment when a pampered, second son dandy sees straight through Snafu's artifice and is entertained by it.
Somehow, in the midst of Snafu's fit, Eugene starts laughing too. So they chuckle together as the sun sets, co-conspirators in lies they both started. And when Snafu turns his face away from the glare and happens to glance at Eugene, there's a smile on Eugene's face. And something in his eyes that terrifies Snafu. But the kind of terror that feels a little like hope.
"Why aren't you going to send me down to Davy Jones along with the rest?" Eugene asks.
Snafu slides off the rail and back onto the deck. He stands a few feet away, clinging to a rope for support, to admire Eugene's profile lit by the remaining sunlight. "You're too pretty to die, Sledge," Snafu winks.
He returns to his quarters alone.
He leaves his door unlocked.
Sometime in the night, Eugene must have snuck inside.
Because it's only when Snafu wakes with the sun and rolls over to discover a tuft of red hair on the pillow next to him that the pirate captain realizes it might be worse to have Eugene Sledge so near and off limits than to not have him in his bed at all.
Eugene Sledge sleeps peacefully. Exactly how Snafu might have imagined a Governor's son would. And deep inside, somewhere near that good samaritan bone of his, Snafu wants to preserve that innocence.
It's why he's taking the man home.
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