#not an anthropomorphic whale . oh well . oh whale....... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

amplesalty · 4 years ago

Text

Christmas 2020: Day 5 - Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1979)

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

FIVE EVIL KINGS!

“Christmas...in July?!” I hear you scoff “What a preposterous idea.” Well, maybe not. After such an unprecedented year as 2020 has been, governments around the world find themselves in the delicate position of trying to further the public health whilst trying to stimulate their economies that are circling the drain. Plus, do you want to be seen as the Grinch figure who cancelled Christmas? That’s going to look real good come next election season, isn’t it? Well, what if we didn’t cancel Christmas..just postpone it instead. Did you know that the retail industry does 50% of its business between December 1st and December 25? That’s half a year’s business in just one month’s time. But with the inherent risk of everyone piling into stores and the already lost time from all these lockdowns, why not delay things slightly to allow us all time to get this new vaccination. Seems to me that Boris Johnson would be wise to legislate a second such gift giving holiday. Create, say, a Christmas 2 next Summer to stimulate growth.

Thank you, Danny Trejo. I’m just surprised it took me this long to mention COVID-19. It took me like the very first sentence of the October marathon. I suppose the Christmas season doesn’t really lend itself to it as much, though Kevin McCallister was doing pioneering work in that whole social distancing thing back in the day.

But yes, Rudolph and Frosty. After seeing both their specials over the past couple of years, why not watch them together in some sort of superstar tag team in their own feature length motion picture epic? I’m jumping ahead slightly in the Rankin/Bass cinematic universe which apparently was a little unwise as I missed a couple of important plot points.

Like, apparently Frosty had kids at some point? How does that work? Do snowmen fuck? I mean, Frosty was always a little dim so it kinda feels a bit weird like Buddy the Elf having kids by the end of Elf. Did kids build him a wife, bring her to life and then their combined magic allows them to have sentient children? Or do they have to be built and brought to life too? How many magic hats to these kids have access to? Is there just a factory somewhere pumping these things out? I can’t believe I have so many questions about an anthropomorphic snowman.

Nevermind that shit though, there’s a whole backstory going on that we need to dive into full of evil wizards and deities appearing on Earth in human form. Many years ago the wicked King Winterbolt ruled over the land with an iron first and a frosty sceptre capable of great magic. But against him stood Lady Boreal.

Queen of the Northern Lights! Oh for God’s sake, first It’s a Wonderful Life comes back to haunt me and now this. Why do so many Christmas movies have so many instances of the goddamn aurora borealis?! Anyway, she rocks up and is like “Stop all this evil tyranny business.” and he’s like “lol, no” and tries to shoot her with his magic missile, to which she’s like “Bitch, please.” and puts him into a deep slumber. But nothing lasts forever and eventually Winterbolt awakens and finds like the North land has a much more jolly leader in the form of Santa and vows to overthrow him with a rather longwinded scheme involving him winning the love of all the children of the world by making Santa get lost in a great snow storm. Then, Winterbolt can emerge with his own supply of toys and become the new Santa!

But with her last ounce of strength, Lady Boreal transfers her remaining magic into baby Rudolph’s shiny nose. Or maybe this is some Biblical level shit and she put Rudolph upon the Earth to be the saviour of Christmas, that he might grow up to lead Santa’s sleigh through the dark and stormy night. Where was this angle in the original Rudolph?! Kinda re-writes that whole part about him being shunned by Santa and his own Father too. Does kinda take that whole ‘embrace who you are’ thing to a new level when you were pretty much created by a God to have this one seemingly life altering feature about you that actually means you’re destined for greatness. Bit of a test of these other reindeer too, this is how you treat he I have delivered unto you?!

So, now that we have some meddlesome reindeer getting in the way, Winterbolt sets off on some longwinded and convoluted plan that involves Rudolph and Frosty going to a 4th of July circus in order to trick Rudolph into committing an evil act that will void Lady Boreal’s magic. Plus, he gives Frosty and family some amulets that will prevent them from melting but only up until the last firework fades. And to do all this he uses some sort of magic snow which can implant ideas in peoples heads? So he gets this ice cream guy to encourage Rudolph and Frosty to be in the show to boost ticket sales and help his girlfriend. This guy by the way rides around in a hot air balloon and keeps a supply of ice cream at the North Pole. Dude, it’s called a freezer.

I love how they make this big thing about what an attraction Rudolph will be but his act is literally him standing in the middle of the tent, they use a fog machine on him and he uses his nose to shine through the fog. Then he just flies away. I mean, I suppose just having a flying reindeer is pretty spectacular in and of itself but give them a little more for their money, tell a joke or something.

This whole middle portion of the movie is a bit of a drag though. Just really boring and full of filler songs about the circus. I don’t know why this movie is as long as it is at like 98 mins. If you trimmed it down you’d have something a lot more solid. I’d say the one highlight in this portion is when Winterbolt goes to what seems to be this movies equivalent of a doss house and finds this really shady reindeer he can use to trick Rudolph. Just seeing this evil genius in Winterbolt interacting with this scuzzy landlord and finding this bum reindeer is just really weird.

youtube

There’s a neat version of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree too. Has this slight country, Dolly Parton feel to it and is a bit more uptempo than the original.

I was pretty disappointed during this whole section and was worried that it would end up like Frosty but it won me back again in the end by tapping into some of that uncharacteristic dark Christmas feel that Rudolph had. Where that was more cynical, this gets oddly morbid.

Like, the plan is for Santa to swing by and pick up Frosty and family in order to take them back to the North Pole before the fireworks finish so they don’t melt. Frosty is still really antsy though and is keen to duck out, even if that means missing the fireworks. Bizarrely, his kids question him on this and ask him what kind of patriot he is. I guess I never really thought of Frosty being American like that but I guess they did refer to him as having just being born when they put that hat on him. Plus he’s always saying ‘Happy birthday!’ when he wakes up so you could say he was born in America. Only trouble is, Winterbolt has whipped up a ferocious storm that means Santa is heavily delayed.

So you get these scenes of Frosty, his wife and kids all coming to terms with their own fragile mortality as they watch these 100 fireworks going off one by one, with each rocket flying into the sky acting like another grain of sand in the egg timer of their life, another second ticking away toward their impending doom. Just these kids looking up to their mother and telling her that they promise they’ll be brave...oh my God.

Or Rudolph having to give a false confession to stealing the takings from the circus in exchange for Winterbolt keeping the amulets powers going so that Frosty wont melt. Only Frosty knows the real truth, so everyone just shuns Rudolph. His friends turn their back on him, the crowd boo him and his nose wont light up anymore. Cue a mournful Rudolph solo which culminates in him crying as he sticks his nose in some glitter trying to replicate the beaming light it once gave off. Poor little guy.

But apparently not everyone has given up on Rudolph becomes he comes... a whale with a clock on it?! Apparently this guy was in one of the Rudolph films that came before this, just what in the hell did I miss?

Even after a showdown between Rudolph and Winterbolt where Rudolph gets Frosty’s hat back, Winterbolt is still out for vengeance and comes to the circus for a final showdown. To which the lady that runs the circus has the most appropriate response possible...

Reach for the skies, pilgrim! Only, her guns are just props that fire blanks so she just hurls the guns at Winterbolt and they promptly shatter his magic staff and he turns into a tree. Ooooooookay then.

I feel like Lady Boreal could have saved us a lot of hassle if she’d put Winterbolt to sleep and then took his staff away rather than just leaving it laying around for him to use again when he finally awoke.

For a second there in the middle I thought that this would be more of a Frosty than a Rudolph but it redeemed itself a bit by the end. Probably not quite to the levels of Rudolph but I enjoyed the bookends of it. If they’d cut some of the middle out and kept it under an hour, I’d be a lot happier with it. Apparently there’s another Rudolph movie that came out in the early 2000’s that revists a lot of those characters from the first one so I’m really tempted to watch that as well but I feel like I already rode my luck here and I’d really tarnish my positive memories of the original by watching a cheap cash in. I probably will just watch it anyway though so I guess we’ll find out next year.

#Christmas 2020 #Rudolph #Frosty #Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July

2 notes · View notes

mylifeaquatic-ca · 5 years ago

Text

Hello out there in internet land!

Greetings from somewhere in rural Nova Scotia. Unfortunately, I cannot be more specific for obvious reasons. To those that know keep quiet! I do not want to wind up on some trash rag just because one of you blabbermouths spilled the beans. For those who don’t know, I would like to introduce you to myself. For obvious reasons my name will be kept secret. You can call me what you like. In fact, don’t call me. Just listen and be careful. Things are not entirely as they seem.

As for me, well welcome to the blog here at The Life Aquatic. These posts will be placed around in the usual places. It is nice to hear your feedback. For obvious reasons I am getting kind of lonely and stir crazy.

Alright. We should stop beating around the bush. The obvious reasons. I am currently an orca. Not entirely, at least. Anthropomorphic, your word of the day. Not just for furries anymore. Nothing furry here. Just slippery smooth, rubber. Not real rubber, just my skin now. It can be very inconvenient. For one thing, typing on a phone is incredibly difficult. No one makes a smart phone for today’s busy killer whale. Don’t get me started on the water damage either. Just plain sucks. Saltwater ruins everything, except my skin apparently.

Now you may be asking yourself, this is crazy. How are you an orca. Where are you an orca. Why are you an orca. I’ll tell you in one. Curses suck, and when a beach says no trespassers take the hint. That is a very glib way of going about it. I guess we can start the blog off with the How.

HOW

I was bitten by a radioactive orca. No really, it gave me crime fighting super strength. That would be cool.

No, but seriously. Just walking on a beach minding my own business. Certainly not looking for a private place to take a dip on a hot, sunny day. I would have done it somewhere else but for annoying reasons, traffic, beach idiots, tourists. I say this mockingly but tourism sucks entirely. Keeping my condition secret is hard enough without you whale watchers out there keeping an eye on the ocean. Give a guy some privacy!

Back to the beach. It was hot for Canada; the summers have sucked recently. Thank you, global warming. The spot is fairly private, because of all the local superstitions. Devil’s Island has nothing on this place. Stories of lost fisherman are everywhere here. I never expected these to have some truth to the rumor.

You might ask, Life Aquatic, why would you go to an obviously cursed spot to do some fishing and sea glass hunting? Shut up. Also, I am not a native, immigrated here legally a few years back. No one told me the local superstitions until it was too late. Seriously, if you know of a super cursed location do not wait to tell your significant other. Someone is sleeping on the waterbed for that one. Get it, cause of the water. Its funny if you know the situation. Stay out of my bedroom.

Anyway, I was walking on the beach that day. It was the merry, merry month of July. Hot as hell. The water looked so inviting, so I took a dip. Another thing you should not do in the ocean is dig your feet into the loam. I come form a place with lakes. On a hot day, sinking your feet into the mud is relatively safe and relaxing. It can open up the pores. The ocean means you cut your feet on barnacles or worse. I did not expect the fishhook. It lodged into my foot. Screaming ensued, as well as frantic paddling to the shore. The thing was old and seemed to have been made from a tooth. I very carefully removed the thing. It was gross, yes. They also say don’t remove things like that if you cause more damage. Trust me, you do not want to have to hobble your way back from an isolated island.

I wanted to throw it back out of rage, but something stopped me. Curiosity maybe, but likely part of the curse. It went in my pocket. Smart right? Sharp hook, that won’t go through swim trunks. I began to walk back. That is when the changes began. It started by feeling very, very dry. At first, I attributed it to saltwater. That can mess your skin up good, but this was ridiculous. My skin was burning after a few minutes of walking. I went to the water to splash some on and freaked the fuck out. My skin tone is pale and white. Now it was jet black and eggshell white. Not talking sexy chocolate or anything. I mean blacker than coal, like Vanta black or something. Don’t sue. And rubbery. As soon as water hit it, I felt relief from all the burning. However, I had bigger problems. More specifically the tail that ripped out of my pants. That pretty much killed the walking right there. It was huge and ended in a giant paddle. I’ve gone to SeaWorld as a kid, I know what an orca is. I can put two and two together.

The worst part you don’t think about is your hair falling out. I always had long hair even as a kid. Losing it all at once is some serious body horror. That was worse than growing all the teeth, or the face. Gaining a blowhole was super weird, but mostly internal. It does feel sort of good to blow water out of it though. Do not judge me. You would try it too.

Lucky for me, my cell phone did not go immediately into the water. I texted for help from my local buds, and we all agreed this was one hell of a curse. Somehow its tied to the hook. I keep it on a necklace just to be safe. They are looking into finding a proper spiritualist to find something out. Finding someone who isn’t just a charlatan is very difficult. For now, I’ll stick to the island and a very generously provided boat by some friends.

It just sucks. I hate being stuck in the water nine hours out of every ten. Thank god for Netflix, Youtube, and the internet. Otherwise I’d drive my husband up the wall, and all my friends. For now, I’ll start this blog. Might also throw up some cool ocean photos or the like. Anything to keep me from going crazy. Seriously, ocean. Boring. Full of treasures and delicious fish, but oh so boring.

#orca #transformation #cursed

10 notes · View notes

lavender-annd-lilac · 2 years ago

Note

So…. 👉👈this popped up on my dash and I was like:

ok I’ve got some time before bed. It’s 2.5k words, and from the warnings it seems like it’s about sexy stuff so there prob won’t be that many opportunities for me to go off on random tangents. Let’s give this a read!!

later: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE (actually it’s less than that bc I quote u a lot so hahaha it’s maybe like… half?)

anyway idk what happened here😵‍💫. I guess I really got into it lol. Kind of feel bad just dumping it bc I feel like authors feel obliged to read comments so it’s like I’m giving u homework😬… but just pretend I’m a sub so it anything I assign won’t get checked anyway 😂

And I know I just made that big post about what to expect from my comments, but I’ll still include this in case some random person happens to be reading

⚠️My usual disclaimer: nervous attempts at humour = my love language and the only way I know how to show appreciation for things I enjoy. Advance apologies for anything that might offend 😅

it took a damn long time to notify him of one simple need.

I hate delayed notifications. Getting an email to call and confirm my appointment a week before my actual appointment?

🙅‍♀️

DUDE, I need at least a months notice to emotionally prepare myself to make a phone call ok??? U can’t just drop things on me like that smh

the next item on his docket to accomplish if he’s truly set on being a real boy is— well… it’s fucking.

Pinnochio trapped inside a giant whale: well great. Someone couldn’t have told me that sooner??

That trauma and healing requires the body to prioritize in whichever way that’s best for it, so some functions would be delayed indefinitely and return later in their own time.

I feel like this is the stuff doctors say when they have no idea of what’s happening so they’re just like:

of course we know how to manage your recovery!

What can u expect? Well, the body is just going to do whatever, so we can’t really give u any specifics…

But we’re pretty sure your recovery is going to take approximately…. an indefinite amount of time.

Byeeee don’t call if u have any further questions 😃👋

dust floating in a beam of sunlight

Whoa, this is like erotica for cats 😳 didn’t really expect this level of spicy tbh

pair of legs dancing through the kitchen making lunch

Nobody:

Me: hahaha you’re telling me a pair of legs made this lunch? I hope they washed their toes!

*crickets*

Me: bc like… ok u know the joke about shrimp fried rice??? And the boot cut jeans???

Me: get it??? Get it???

The guards outside my cell at Arkham Asylum: settle down over there!!! Bad enough we have to deal with this Joker asshole, we don’t need two of u 🙄

you scoot across hardwood bumping open drawers shut with your hip, and bumping him impishly by way of apology, too

Whoa… is reader… SHAKIRA???

The kind of hard-hitting no shit moment you get when someone tells you the answer to a riddle you’ve been chewing on for hours

This is how I felt when I found out the snap sound when u snap ur fingers if from your finger hitting your palm and not your finger rubbing against your thumb

🤯

an anthropomorphic, raging desire to fuck, and fuck, and fuck.

I mean, isn’t this what men are anyway? Isn’t this the scientific definition of being a man? I think he’s made a full recovery doc!!

Erections are bothersome at best and debilitating at worst

*Justin Timberlake falsetto* 🎵cry me a river🎵

Lol ok yes I’m being unfair to this character…. but like if any other guy said this, I’d be like “if u think erections are debilitating, try bleeding out of your dick for a week every month while simultaneously feeling like your insides are being clawed out while u are being punched in the stomach…oh where does the blood go? Well, u actually have to buy these products with your own money to deal with that. Bc it’s your own problem, u know? Your thing sounds waaay worse and more inconvenient tho, for sure 🙃”

Bucky’s cock is springing to life every half hour like a goddamn jackknife.

Dude… I think… your jackknife is possessed? I think every jackknife you’ve ever seen has been possessed??? They shouldn’t just open by themselves like that

👻

He locks himself inside his room— that suite with the shared bath and double sink

Idk how much Avengers get paid but like… I’d be pissed if my job was to save the world every day and I couldn’t afford a place with enough bathrooms for me to have my own private bathroom

😒

Your lips that have resuscitated him after falling into a river—lips that feel like they’re breathing him back to life now—he knows are the softest.

LMAO WHAT??? He’s just going to casually mention a near death by drowning? Lol ok

🐟

Do you wonder about him? When you smile at him over your shoulder, foot in your bedroom doorway as if propping an invitation open, is that something? Those nights you go on half-hearted dates and come back early, shrugging, “Dunno, felt weird to— I don’t know,” and plop back down, contented to be next to him. Is that something, too?

Wow, who would have thought my paranoid tendency to question everything and see conspiracy theories everywhere would have given me the ability to emphasize with this traumatized man rediscovering his sexuality. Amazing.

🫥

He’s not 16, 20, 23

Me: what do these numbers mean??? Is it a code??? Is there a sleeper agent somewhere reading this and feeling a strong and sudden urge to assassinate a high level politician?

*remembers what I just wrote about my paranoia* haha oh ya nvm 😅

The government agent monitoring my online activity: phew 😮‍💨 that was close

😬

Seventy years later and he’s a steel column of muscle and firepower

He’s… the exhaust pipe on a car?

🚗💨

lol but ok

Pause ⏸️

Note to the author: I just want to say that when I write shit like this I’m not having a go at your writing haha

I actually think this is a really evocative way to describe someone’s body without using the conventional imagery of like marble statue, or toned, taut muscles, etc.

If I had to comment on this in the context of academic discourse or some other kind of formal analysis I’d prob say sthg like:

The comparison to steel conveys a sense of strength and toughness, while the column emphasizes how his muscles are sturdy, solid. “Firepower” as a descriptor stands out bc it’s not a word we usually associate with bodies or organic matter. It’s a term we associate with force, danger, hostility even - unless it is kept under control.

When accompanied by the metaphor of a “steel column” we get the sense that this is someone who is used to thinking of himself as more machine than man - a machine that has been fine tuned and well built - but something mechanical nonetheless. This makes sense given his background of having been used as a sentient “tool” by Hydra for decades.

But like, who wants to read that lmaooo 🤣 the exhaust pipe is funnier😤😤😤, and honestly, I always feel kind of weird doing that literature analysis stuff bc in the back of my mind I’m like…. But what if this isn’t what they wanted to say at all and I’m just grossly misinterpreting them?? 😖

At least with the exhaust pipe thing it’s like a clear and deliberate misinterpretation that is obviously mean to be humorous 🤷‍♀️

lol idk where I was going with this I think I just wanted to say like, that even tho it seems like I’m just riffing or writing an SNL skit that gets cut for time, I do recognize and appreciate the craftsmanship that goes into your writing 👍

Anyway *puts jester hat back on* shall we continue?

▶️

use that newfound strength in his hips to make you his girl

I can see this being a line in a Drake x Shakira collab

Damn, I reused the Shakira reference… need to get my head back in the game after all that serious talk 😾

Bucky’s got a quarter-empty bottle of lotion on his side table.

Oh Bucky, don’t be such a pessimist. It’s not a quarter empty, it’s three quarters full!!

he’s too distracted with it sliding out of his fist, painting his cock

Me: Are u telling me an indeterminate amount of unscented lotion escaped a man’s grip and then proceeded to make this painting of a penis???

Arkham Asylum guards: let’s just kill her and say Scarecrow got out or something

🙄

Grip clumsy and impatient

Me, being chased by guards down the hallway while the Benny Hill music plays in the background:

HA! NO wonder the lotion escaped!!!

Guards:

He shudders uncontrollably, gasping out loud with the wind knocked out of him, and arches up toward the ceiling like he might levitate.

I feel like a lot of self care was mistaken for demonic possession back in the day. Idk why. Just seems like it

🤷‍♀️

He can’t recall if voyeurism was ever his kink, but just this once, maybe it can be.

Yo, I vibe with this. Not necessarily the voyeurism part but the feeling of, “if u gave me a shovel I could dig it”.

Like, I’m not a huge fan of Dancing With the Stars, but I could be, if the right star was dancing, u know?

💫

There’s a rhythm of folded knees, thighs squeezed together in pulses

That’s crazy to be able to like hear a knee being folded. Him and Matt Murdock should have like, some kind of listening competition or something.

👂

rolls out of bed to brush his teeth and shower

2 types of ppl in this world:

those who shower at night ✅

those who shower in the morning

Personally, I prefer night bc like, what is the point of showering in the morning just to get dirty during the day and then go to sleep covered in dirt like a dirt person? Wouldn’t u rather go to sleep as a clean person? Just my (correct) opinion tbh.

🌚🚿✅

You scrub in gentle circles, leaning over to spit and rinse

Dang, reader has better brushing technique when she’s hungover than I do when I’m wide awake and hyper focused on trying not to overbrush my teeth

🦷

He pats off his cheeks, brushes his own teeth with one hand next, the other reaching sideways to

Wait, am I misunderstanding something lol or do some people double grip their tooth brushes like a sword?

Does he usually brush his teeth with both hands? Two toothbrushes for twice the efficiency? One toothbrush for the top teeth and one for the bottom teeth?

I can see Hydra brainwashing him to do this for whatever experimental reason and then no one having the heart to tell him it’s fucking weird after he gets into a better headspace tbh.

🙊

He thinks about how easily a mutual fantasy can come true

The part of my brain that refuses to process positive emotions like hope, or happiness: Hey dude, don’t count your chickens yet or whatever they say. Like, what if he was just dreaming about her dreaming about him and he didn’t actually hear shit? What if

The other part of my brain that just wants some serotonin:

Haha wow, did u make it to the end? Are u looking for the post credits scene? Well keep looking bc all there is here is some MORE TEXT after ALL THAT TEXT!

Uh yeah I liked how I felt like this could go either way while I was reading. Not that telegraphing a “happy” ending or an “angsty” ending is bad, but I liked how my enjoyment of the fic didn’t hinge on the ending…

like this could have turned out to be a Russel Crowe and his “roommate” in “A Beautiful Mind” scenario and I would have been like huh, what a sophisticated rickroll what a great character study 😌

Now here’s some actual serotonin for your brain 😂

patiently waiting for the bucky version of slow hands *sip*

a/n: i got u, boo. here is bucky’s version of “slow hands”. the title is from Kendrick Lamar’s “Poetic Justice”. 2.5k words, which is long for me these days, WOW.

warnings: masturbation, slight voyeurism, being horny drunk, & a mention of trauma recovery, etc. 18+ only please!

brooklyn after dark masterlist

dark room, perfume*

It takes Bucky about six months before he realizes that for all his body’s success at convalescence, for all its attempts to recalibrate into some facsimile of normalcy, it took a damn long time to notify him of one simple need.

Either traitorous or plain stupid, a portion of his brain suddenly decides to understand that besides breathing, eating, drinking, and sleeping, the next item on his docket to accomplish if he’s truly set on being a real boy is— well… it’s fucking.

He was warned a lot could take a while to catch up. That trauma and healing requires the body to prioritize in whichever way that’s best for it, so some functions would be delayed indefinitely and return later in their own time.

Apparently, “indefinitely” meant six months and “return” meant a reappearance like a wrecking ball, an atomic bomb, the Big-fucking-Bang.

He arrives at this conclusion in the afternoon. Two o’clock on a leisurely Saturday with the T.V. droning in the background and dust floating in a beam of sunlight. A stream of hot white slashing across the air and on the pair of legs dancing through the kitchen making lunch.

Hair sleep-wild, shirt crumpled and tucked in with two fingers into the hem of your shorts, you scoot across hardwood bumping open drawers shut with your hip, and bumping him impishly by way of apology, too. Woke up late after night of watching movies and you had promised to make breakfast, but due to tardiness, elected on lunch instead.

He’s baffled when it hits him. The kind of hard-hitting no shit moment you get when someone tells you the answer to a riddle you’ve been chewing on for hours, trying to decipher that missing component you just can’t get a grip on. And when the answer wakes up your brain, and your brain face-palms itself, you’re walloped with both relief and irritation.

In Bucky’s case, he’s walloped with the scent of spearmint toothpaste and soap-clean skin only lightly musky. Saltiness lingering from an evaporated sheen of sweat, a dampness that dried over, previously wet from a specific type of touch.

You sail beneath his nose, ducking into the opened refrigerator, and that scent— that intoxicating sweetness he remembers pulling out of past lovers, sucking off his fingers, savoring in his throat— crashes into him with its entire, terrifying, exhilarating implication.

Fuck.

He’s dried tinder shoved into a firepit, aflame head to toe. It goes up his fingertips, his knuckles, his arms and shoulders and every dormant nerve begins to unstitch towards you. He feels it, his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes rolling, spine tingling, the hollow of his throat bobbing at new knowledge.

Last night, after corking up the wine bottle and cleaning the scatter of empty chip bowls and hummus plates, you washed your face, giggly. And then you said goodnight with a woozy grin, your finger on the light switch, and then—

You touched yourself.

And the idea of that— the lightning storm of many ideas, the flash flood of thoughts he viscerally half-knows, now half-experiencing for the first time is too, too much.

He splits.

The bathroom door’s latched before you can ask him where he’s going. The shower gushes freezing cold water and Bucky stands beneath it with one hand on the tile for support. He’s panting, shivering, squeezing his eyes shut until he can call himself a sentient person and not just an anthropomorphic, raging desire to fuck, and fuck, and fuck.

He staves it off for an evening but he’s not stupid. Erections are bothersome at best and debilitating at worst and now his body is on a warpath.

How has he survived? What the hell has he been doing, living with you, sitting on the living room couch sharing blankets, watching T.V., mundanely passing his time with all work and no play like a celibate dumbass?

Is that why Sam’s been giving him those shit-eating grins as he angles his head to the left, drawling phrases like “how’s being co-ed’s workin’ out”, “you learn anything new”, “getting back into the swing of things yet”?

Swinging is… an understatement.

Bucky’s cock is springing to life every half hour like a goddamn jackknife. He locks himself inside his room— that suite with the shared bath and double sink countertop where you brush your teeth and grin at him before bed.

Bed.

Where you lie your pretty head down with your minty fresh lips parting like a full moon split in half, fingertips exploring yourself beneath sheets. Or, you might be the kind of girl who sleeps naked, who peels off her clothes and stretches out on the duvet, shameless, effortless, gorgeous.

It rocks him to the core how much he misses sex. He can’t believe he forgot about sex.

The curves of a woman’s figure, the softness of her lips. Your lips that have resuscitated him after falling into a river—lips that feel like they’re breathing him back to life now—he knows are the softest. The back of your knees, the inside of your wrists, that high spot on your spine his thumb pressed down on once as he guided you through a crowd, seemingly innocent places that make you think twice. He could spark something inside you there, so that when you slink away on nights like last night, he’ll be sure you’re wondering about him.

It doesn’t help that he dreams, wading off, unable to stop his mind from roving deeper into the last notion he had. Try as he might to steer himself into safer waters, he drifts out to sea and toward the figment of your touch.

So, he touches you back, and realizes his body remembers how to move in all the ways he used to and better. He’s not 16, 20, 23. He’s not at the tail end of a gangly period of growth or entombed by the standards of a cloistered, virtuous decade. He’s not starved thin on rations, scrambling in an alleyway behind a dusty bar and up a waitress’ skirt.

No, he’s looked in the mirror since then. Seventy years later and he’s a steel column of muscle and firepower, confident inside his demigod’s body.

He could be dominant, if that’s what you asked of him— and you might, hovering there in the black hole of his desire. You might ask him to hold your wrists above your head and scrape his teeth along your throat, use that newfound strength in his hips to make you his girl.

He should have fucked you a long time ago on the couch to the soundtrack of a forgotten movie. On the counter, interrupting breakfast, scrabbling for something to grip, knocking shit over, too fevered to care.

He’d do you right. Do you long and good and how you deserve.

“Buck—" you’d cry for him, “Can’t believe we haven’t done this before.”

“Yeah,” he’d say, “You’re so fucking warm, and hot, and my god, I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t take it anymore. Gonna get up inside you, baby, gonna open you up, gonna ruin you for everyone else.”

Did he have a dirty mouth back then? He can’t remember. It feels natural, though.

Bucky’s got a quarter-empty bottle of lotion on his side table. Snagged from beneath the sink and unscented for sensitive skin because you said it’d be best since strong fragrances might irritate or trigger him, and you weren’t wrong about that. He wants to laugh at the irony, but he’s too distracted with it sliding out of his fist, painting his cock. He’s dead tired from trying to regulate himself all day along with dodging you, lying about it, just fucking stressing.

It took some convincing, but you gave him space. 10 feet away from his trembling insides and on the other side of the door, you mentioned that you’ve been meaning to get drinks with Wanda for a while now and he could always text you. Thanks, and you’re welcome, get a taxi and have fun, see you later bye bye, and then he was safe.

His body wants to go to sleep. But it also really wants to come.

He starts almost too fast. Grip clumsy and impatient but he remembers this part: when pleasure becomes the only thing you want, so you want to prolong it and prolong it. He lets go, lets his hand rest on his thigh, takes a few shallow breaths and tries again.

This time, almost delicate. His hand is relaxed when he eases into it, allowing the underside of his shaft a slow glide, the tip of his cock a featherlight pass over his callused palm.

And then, rapid fire. Your gorgeous tits in his mouth, slapped at and bitten. Your clit, rubbed hard and fast. Your lips, kissed until bruised, then further by his cock thrusting inside. The gloss of perspiration beading on your collar and chest and how your hips would look as you sat on your knees and when you sucked him to the edge of orgasm—Bucky squeezes and pulls off, then he does it again, the drag of his fist making a delicious, sloppy sound—he thinks he’d want to flip you over.

Scratch that. He wants to see you. Wants to witness the swollen rim of your open mouth, the silent request to swallow him.

That knocks him over. He tips all the way off and damn prolonging the pleasure; there was no way he could have with the kind of visual playing out in his mind.

Bucky comes so much it’s astonishing. He shudders uncontrollably, gasping out loud with the wind knocked out of him, and arches up toward the ceiling like he might levitate. And then, on the comedown, because being backed up for who knows how long wound him up for the kind of orgasm that decides to return for an encore, he comes again.

His balls hurt afterwards, and his eyes will hardly stay open, and the fog in his room is a haze of semen and sweat, but his head’s finally clear now and he’s got enough willpower to clean up and crack the window.

His back hits the mattress and he’s out like a light.

A car door shutting wakes him up.

A clatter of heels up porch steps, a muffled “shit!”, the deadbolt latching, and then keys and a purse tossed onto the carpet.

You’re home.

Bucky looks over to the clock. 2:34, and you’re stumbling in and cursing yourself with, “Sorrysorrysorry,” hushed, to an empty room, “Nnnnn—gotta wash up— shit, shit, Buck’s asleep. Do it in the kitchen. Yeah, okay.”

He’s still exhausted from earlier, so he settles on drifting back to sleep, maybe waking you up in the morning with a big mug of coffee for that inevitable hangover you’ll have. Business as usual because he’s got it out of his system and his body will return back to normal for a bit. He might have to schedule it in once a day, but he’ll figure it out. Besides, it’s just a private fantasy, safe and sound, contained in his head.

Adults have fantasies. He’ll get over it.

He yawns and grins when your hip bumps the counter, your feet pattering away, and the kitchen faucet turns on with a rush. You’re such a considerate dope. Three sheets to the wind but you still manage to lock the door, turn off all the lights, and keep the banging around to a minimum. He’s glad to have you.

Another yawn. He’s asleep again.

“Mmm…”

He wakes up for the second time.

It’s barely audible at first, especially if he was still an oblivious celibate, but now it’s like his ears can comprehend a new language, like all his capabilities have been unlocked.

Or maybe it’s just because you’re off your face and don’t remember he’s got that super hearing thing.

He can’t recall if voyeurism was ever his kink, but just this once, maybe it can be. His curiosity takes hold, lights up upon hearing a stifled groan of two syllables that sound surprisingly like his name. If he focuses, he can dampen the nighttime outside his window, smother out the air conditioning and—

“Bucky… that’s… oh, it feels so good…”

His cock springs back to life.

There’s a rhythm of folded knees, thighs squeezed together in pulses, fingers reaching between them, and the hot, pleading breaths you puff into the clamped grasp of your hand. Even your heart, wildly banging around in your chest. He takes note of the tempo and dives beneath the waistband of his boxers, keeping pace.

“There, faster… don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop.”

He thinks, I won’t, and finds it a little quaint how this entire thing seems to be mutual, after all.

He wakes for a third time, in the late morning, and rolls out of bed to brush his teeth and shower. He definitelysmells like sex, and when he opens the door to the bathroom, you’re already at the counter, also smelling like sex. Bucky slyly looks down and adjusts himself, tilting his groin away and out of view.

“Mornin’” You rub at your temple, hungover. “Think you were in my dream last night,” you say absently, blinking out the sleep, ungracefully squeezing toothpaste onto your toothbrush where it falls off in a goopy pile. You scrub in gentle circles, leaning over to spit and rinse, and come back up wet and bleary. As Bucky washes his face, you tug his towel from the rack.

He pats off his cheeks, brushes his own teeth with one hand next, the other reaching sideways to swipe a rolling bead of water off your neck, purposefully running his thumb up your throat.

Low and encouraging, he asks, “Yeah? Was it a good dream?”

You blink in quick flutters at that, surprised and abruptly reliving a fuzzy memory, a prickle of dew casting itself over your brow.

“Y-yes,” you stutter, sudden heat rippling off your body, that lovely perfume of incoming arousal rising to meet him. When you stumble back, flustered, he holds you still, sets you on your shaky feet.

Bucky licks his lips, thinks about how maybe this won’t be a thing he’ll simply get over, how he is quite glad to have you, and maybe he can have more of you, too.

He thinks about how easily a mutual fantasy can come true and murmurs, “That’s good, sweetheart. That’s real good.”

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #wow that escalated quickly #well not quickly but like #it definitely escalated a lot #I escaped those guards btw #I’m a free citizen of Gotham city now

1K notes · View notes

pointreyesjournal · 3 years ago

Text

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat : ep31

Me: I think you might be right about me living out in the country.

Flood: You’d be bored to tears. Plus we couldn’t do this …

Me: Do what?

Flood: Meet here at the pub! Who’d I drink with?? I’d be stuck here entertaining The Englishman or The Regular.

And at just that moment, like a shark emerging from the black depths of pelagic water, I see The Regular swimming his way towards us through a sea of people. If this was a movie, the theme from Jaws would begin playing right now. I feel my inner Chief Brody coming alive, but with a sprinkle of Quint’s despicableness thrown in for good measure. The Regular plops down into the open chair. Damn it.

Without so much as a hello or a handshake The Regular launches straight into it …

The Regular: Are you guys on Instagram?

Me: No

Actually I am, but I’m not telling this twat.

Flood: Nope. No thanks mang.

Flood actually isn’t. His modus operandi from day one has been to avoid social media at all costs. Early on, I thought socially, he might get left behind. Now I realize, he was probably right all along.

The Regular: Can you believe all of the models on insta? So hot. Sooo hot. I follow this one chick, she’s a German supermodel. Well, I don’t know about “super” model. But a model. She’s gorgeous. Blond hair, blue eyes, freckles on her nose, big tits. Dude, she posted an Instagram story from a birthday party. It was her mom’s birthday party. Dude … I’m as old as her mom!

Flood: You’re fucking old.

The Regular: But hey … I am the Burt Reynolds of the animal kingdom.

Flood: The what??

The Regular: The Burt Reynolds of the animal kingdom. I went to a furries convention. You remember, your friend suggested it. I went to a furries convention dressed as a big red fox, and I got FREAKY.

Flood: Freaky??

The Regular: Freaky bro.

Me: Like a big anthropomorphized interspecies animal orgy freaky?

The Regular: Exactly.

Me: Do you combine your whole “rape fetish” thing with the furries fetish? Like you’re the wolf and she's a helpless bunny.

The Regular: I'm a fox, not a wolf.

Me: Wolf, fox, whatever. I think the scenario is applicable to ANY predator and prey combination.

The Regular: Not “any” combination. I couldn’t go to the furry convention as a blue whale looking for some shrimp to trap in my baleen.

Flood: Generally speaking …

The Regular: Generally speaking, the rape fetish is inclusive to the rape fetish crowd. Plus I’m kinda done with that.

The Regular leans in and whispers “I could get in big trouble if I fuck that one up.”

Me: So take me back to this interspecies orgy. Are you … naked? Do you leave the costumes on? How does that work??

The Regular: You leave the top half of the costume on.

Me: The pants come off?

The Regular: The legs and tail come off, but the top and head stay on.

Flood: So there’s a certain element of anonymity to the whole thing.

Me: That’s fucking weird man.

Flood: Yeah, that’s fucking weird man. How do you get hard? You’re having sex with a …

The Regular: it was with a Maine Coon kitten.

Me: A six foot tall, anthropomorphized Maine Coon kitten?

The Regular: A five foot tall …

Me: Oh sorry, my bad. You had sex with a five foot tall, anthropomorphized Maine Coon kitten?

Flood (mockingly): I couldn’t do that … I’m allergic to cats.

Fuck this. I’d literally pay someone to make The Regular go away right now. This conversation couldn’t get any weirder.

Flood: So, wait a minute. How do you give her oral sex if you’re wearing a fox helmet?

The Regular: I’m so glad you asked …

#furries #first person narrative #novel #san francisco #pub

0 notes

recentanimenews · 4 years ago

Text

FEATURE SERIES: My Favorite One Piece Arc with RogersBase

I love One Piece and I love talking to people who love One Piece. And with the series going on 23 years now, there is a whole lot to talk about. As the series is about to publish its 1000th chapter, a true feat in and of itself, we thought we should reflect upon the high-seas adventure and sit down with some notable names in the One Piece fan community and chat about the arcs they found to be especially important, or just ones they really, really liked.

Welcome to the inaugural article in the series "My Favorite One Piece Arc!"

My first guest in this series is RogersBase, a Nintendo Brand Ambassador. For my chat with him, he chose the Zou arc, in which Luffy and his crew head to an ancient civilization that sits upon the back of a giant elephant.

A note on spoilers: If you haven't seen the Zou arc yet, this interview does contain major plot points. Watch the Zou arc starting RIGHT HERE if you'd like to catch up or rewatch!

Dan Dockery: In one sentence, could you sell me on Zou?

RogersBase: Okay, here we go — Mystery, romance, and a little bit of the Mammoth Boyz. I think that’s the perfect way to describe the best story arc in the post time skip era of One Piece.

The best? Really?

Yeah, by far. For me, at least.

Yeah, I feel like post time skip has been a certainly interesting array of storylines. I think my personal favorite is Whole Cake. So much of the back half of it as soon as the wedding goes awry is great, and the entire Katakuri fight is a masterpiece.

I think Whole Cake is a totally reasonable answer, and I think you probably like it for the same reasons that I like Zou: the characterization and the drama that isn’t centered around the characters saving a kingdom. The kingdom of Zou has already been destroyed. There’s no saving it at this point. The only thing they want to save is Raizo. So you don’t have to deal with the villain hierarchies and families of say Dressrosa or Wano. And the nice thing about it is that since it’s a shorter, condensed story arc, it really hammers home the motivations of the characters and gives us this terrifying villain that’s not even present for most of the arc.

I really like Jack. He only appears in a flashback for the most part and he’s a scourge of the kingdom. And then he comes back, only to be hit by that elephant. And that’s one of those things at the beginning of the arc, when I saw this massive thing, I thought “Aw, man. I wanna see what that elephant can do. I hope it hits something” and then IT DOES. I flipped out. It was so satisfying. Did you know that Zou would be your favorite when you finished it?

Yeah, I think I did. All the arcs up to that point had really high highs, but some of it just didn’t land with me. So to have Oda move away from these long story arcs that end in big one on one fights and go to this shorter, mystery-focused arc: What’s going on with these minks? What’s atop this elephant? Is Raizo still alive? What is The Voice of All Things? What connection does Luffy have to these giant creatures? And with so many great designs and characters, too, with the Minks. It’s really fascinating, and you have bits and pieces that lead up to it, but there’s so much here.

I feel like the Minks might be Oda’s purest expression of side characters because he’s playing with all of these animal figures that are both interesting to look at and emotionally evocative. It’s him flexing his muscles as a character artist. And the landscape of Zou as well - It’s beautiful to behold.

Especially when you think about the amount of content that’s there in a short amount of chapters or episodes. There’s so much that’s told about the overall world, the Road Poneglyphs, the relationship between the Minks and the Kozuki Family, the Beast Pirates, so much gets touched upon that will expand in later story arcs. There’s beautiful, immediate payoff there and later.

It has such a comparatively goofy start, too. They’re climbing this giant elephant on the back of a cartoon dragon that Robin thinks is adorable. And I’m glad she gets a little bit of focus here because, with the Poneglyphs, Zou is a really big set-up arc for Robin. So her role in One Piece’s endgame has exponentially increased.

Also, the focus on characterization. In earlier, post timeskip arcs, you have these epic clashes that take down kingdoms, but here you get a cute moment with Robin. It’s so refreshing to see her in a natural element where she’s comfortable.

What did you think of the Mink tribe’s living situation? The giant white whale tree and the treehouses and all. Do you have any favorite parts of Oda’s worldbuilding here? Not just as a story designer, but as someone who crafts actual places where races and species can live.

It’s cool to see the animals he chooses for the Minks, and how he constructs the power structure and who controls the land at what time, with the dog during the day and the cat at night. The big pineapple trees and the ruins that you see in the Jack flashback, he created a full-blown, believable civilization. It’s always a pleasure to see Oda working in jungle vegetation-type areas. He really excels in this in Skypiea and in his color spreads. So it seems like Zou is something that he’s wanted to do for a while. And how much effort he puts into it is why you feel so attached to the Minks at the end.

That’s really cool. There are a ton of anime side character animals, like Kakashi’s pet dogs and the little animals that hang out with Goku and pals, but Oda really lets loose here with a whole species. And as you said, we should’ve kinda seen it coming with all the work he’s done with anthropomorphic animals. But then, you have the big Jack flashback. And the stereotype of the One Piece flashback is “Oh boy, it’s ‘bout to get sad.” But Zou’s feels like an epic piece of mythology, and Jack is just this being of pure cruelty without any kind of sad backstory. How did you feel about it? Did it surpass your expectations?

Oh, absolutely! To see a character as violent and ruthless as Jack was something needed, I think. He’s an overall threat, not goofy. And his Devil Fruit is fascinating, as you finally see the return of the Prehistoric Zoan type fruit after you last saw it with Drake turning into an Allosaurus. So it’s cool to not only see that Jack can turn into a Woolly Mammoth, but it’s a Woolly Mammoth fighting on top of a giant elephant. And with the way he gets teased leading up to his appearance in the flashback, I remember thinking “How cool would it be if there was a Woolly Mammoth fruit!” and sure enough, there it is! Jack feels like a fulfillment of the promise of the New World — It’s not going to be a cakewalk. Your opponents will be devastating and Jack is so determined, coming because he knows Raizo’s there and then coming back because he STILL KNOWS Raizo is there. He’s like “You can tell me all you want that he’s not here, but I know, and I will crucify you and cut off your limbs. I don’t know why you’re trying to defend this one ninja, but I know he’s here.”

Zou is kind of a double feature. We have Raizo and the Minks and the lore, but we also have the stuff that leads to Whole Cake with Sanj and Capone. Now, I see Sanji’s whole arc here sometimes referred to as Robin 2.0, because it’s a lot like Enies Lobby on the surface. Guy gets taken by the bad guys and is like “Don’t follow me because they’ll kill you, etc.” That’s always felt a little hollow to me because Sanji is not Robin and they don’t have the same motivation.

No, absolutely. And I’m glad you mentioned it because it’s phenomenal how well Zou has aged. They manage to give these characterization moments to Robin and Sanji and the crew while introducing all this stuff and managing to make us care about all of it. There are people that are like “I can’t wait for Carrot to officially join the crew,” and it all stems from this story arc.

In terms of characters that get done so well that even though their time with you is brief, they still stick with you for a long time, I think a good example is Pedro. He joins everyone and he’s this stoic, mentor figure, a character type that usually doesn't fare so well when it comes to surviving anime series intact. And obviously, RIP Pedro. But it’s a testament to what you’re talking about because he just joins the crew and you’re like “Yeah, sure. Gimme fifty more chapters of him.”

He’s got this cool eye patch, he has a beef with Big Mom, he knows about the world. And he’s the one who’s sort of the most hesitant to trust the Straw Hats at first after the disaster with Jack and all. But by the ending, he knows that the Straw Hats are the guys that he’s been waiting for. This is the crew that will bring upon that new dawn. And we haven’t even talked about Pekoms yet! He has those ties to Big Mom and to Bepo and to Zou and to Pedro and to Capone, who shoots him.

What do you think of the Poneglyph system? It’s both indicative of the Straw Hat endgame, but it isn’t like this magic map. What do you think of it as kind of a quest marker?

It’s great because you learn that there are a definite few that mean something and that they’re all being held at various places that are run by Emperors. So trying to find them gives you an actual reason to fight these Emperors of the Sea and heading into their territories. They don’t really need to be fighting Kaido in the grand scheme of things, but the Poneglyphs add to the direction of the series.

ONE PIECE LIGHTNING ROUND!

Favorite character?

Trafalgar D. Water Law.

Favorite Straw Hat?

I go back and forth between three, but Sanji.

Favorite villain?

Doflamingo.

If you could live on any One Piece island, where would you call home?

Dressrosa without Doflamingo would actually be pretty nice.

Favorite One Piece fight?

Luffy vs Lucci.

One Piece moment that made you sob the most?

“Raizo is safe!” I was so overwhelmed with emotion, seeing the resolve of the Minks.

One Piece moment that made you cheer the loudest?

Sabo getting the Flare-Flare Fruit in Dressrosa.

Stay tuned for the next installment of "My Favorite One Piece Arc" as we speak with Official One Piece Columnist for Shueisha and Toei Greg Warner about his favorite One Piece arc: Arlong Park!!

Daniel Dockery is a Senior Staff Writer for Crunchyroll. Follow him on Twitter!

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features.

By: Daniel Dockery

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

0 notes

fountainpenguin · 7 years ago

Text

On a scale of 1 to 7, how much will I regret dusting off the Puddings and some of my other old characters to create a slice-of-life webcomic where I re-imagine their stories in an anthropomorphic fantasy world of my own creation instead of being tied to PMDU? PMDU has been on hiatus for the last two years and it’s getting to the point where I’m thinking I might not even get back into it if it ever does come back. Well. I’d probably drop all teams except Team Zeppelin...

Think of it. Full control over all characters, no longer relying on cameos and story plot points I don’t like. Rory can be a monkey with a prehensile tail. We can get to see Adrian actually DOING all his research about levels of altruism being higher towards species you’re biologically similar to. Guys. I can center a story about Adrian being a biologist in an animal world, yes. And I can have all the sidestories I want and I don’t have to try justifying to publishers why my characters are animals in a YA / Adult genre, because they don’t like that.

Also, because there won’t be ghosts in this world, maybe Adrian will actually get to give his altruism presentation instead of being possessed by a ghost with social anxiety. Or I could just break his arms and put him in the hospital and make someone else cover for him. Decisions, decisions.

And we can still follow the story of Adrian’s super-not-obvious disappearance when winter hit. And Colin. Ohhhhhhhh, Colin. Oh man oh man, Colin. All the social issues about whether it’s even ethical to research animal behaviors because someone could abuse this knowledge. Hint hint. Or ethics involving insects! Anthropomorphic insects don’t want to be discriminated against.

Rudy can still be an animal that sees only in body heat, but we can give him a tricked-out golf cart instead of a telekinetically-propelled flying whale. Or a skateboard. I’m not that picky. He can be a snake. Snakes have no arms for hugging. He can be a snake on a skateboard who can’t push himself uphill.

I always have too much to do but also never enough to do it is a constant burden that I must carry.

#ridwriting #PMDU withdrawal always flares up at this time of year #Guys Rudy and Marissa turn 4 on the 31st #Guys #riddleverse mention #99% true as far as we remember #Sickly grass whistle pig #The other Rudy #Who knows maybe this webcomic could go on long enough that we get to see Adrian name all his children Claudia #Asking For a Friend

5 notes · View notes

zombierunfiction · 7 years ago

Text

Season 2 Mission 13: SOS

The following morning had found them surprising warmer than previous days. The sun was actually shining down on Abel warming up the cold bones of the residents. Charlotte had enjoyed a private meal with Sam the night before to celebrate her birthday including a cookie with HB written in some probably old icing. It was a sweet gesture that made Charlotte fall for Sam even more. He was always doing little things for her just to show how much he loved her.

Currently Charlotte, Simon and Jody were just outside the Abel walls cutting down some trees for fire wood. Jody was up in the tree breaking off the smaller branches and dropping them down to Simon who would take any leaves off. When Jody was done with a branch Charlotte would break the larger branch and cut it to more managable pieces.

"You alright up there, Jody?" Simon asked looking up at her.

"Good haul on this one." She said as she climbed onto it slowly.

"Sorry, guys. Sorry to interrupt your pastoral interlude. Runner Five, I need yo to make your way westwardds, quick as you can." Sam came over the coms as Charlotte looked up taking her axe out of the tree.

"What's going on?" Charlotte asked panting softly.

"We're not just having fun here, you know." Simon reminded. "Not playing hide and seek in the trees. Well, not much. Definitely not anymore. We're cutting down wood. You know, to burn? For heat and light?"

"We wouldn't ask if it weren't important. Runner Five, get moving. Towrads the coast. We've had a disturbing transmission." Janine chimed in.

"Oh, you can't just say that. Makes it sound all sinister." Sam said softly.

"Anyway, if it's something sinister, we're coming too. Right, Jody?" Simon said looking up into the tree.

"I love sinister! The sinister-er, the merrier. Unless it gets too sinister." Jody said as she jumpped down. "The sinister-er the merrier, up to a point!" She said wiping her hands on her pants.

"Fine. fine, that's probably a good idea, actually. We've had a mayday call from a small cruise liner that's run aground, and the end of the message is... well..." Janine said slowly as the three of them took off towards the coast.

"I'm just going to play it to you. Saves time." Sam said.

"Mr. Yao, I'm not sure that that's-" Janine started before a click was heard then a couple beeps before a deep voice is heard.

"Message repeats. Mayday, Mayday. I am the Captain of the Vessel Aurora, Late of the Capertown Line. Until the end of the world, atleast. We're beat here off the flats, hull below the waterline. Fifteen souls aboard. Living souls, that is. We're trapped in the bridge. Saloon deck full of the living dead. We're carrying supplies - cargo hold's full of food, electrical equipment, tools, fuel. Mayday, mayday. Calling on local known townships to assist. New Canton, Abel Township, Red Settlement-" The man said.

"His intel's out of date." Sam breathed softly.

"And I'm told to ask for Janine. Or for Runner Five, Charlotte DeLoius, at Abel Township, lately arrived by helicopter, shot down by rocket laucher. Runner Five, Charlotte DeLoius of Abel Township." The man continued making Charlotte blink looking at Jody and Simon who shared her surprised expression.

"Not that out of date apparently." Charlotte said feeling her stomach tightening.

"We need to find out what's going on. I hope you all are running." Janine said as the message began to repeat.

Charlotte, Jody, and Simon booked it quickly towards the coast line not finding many zombies along the way. "Can you see it yet? Headcam transmission's a bit fuzzy this far out." Sam asked as they continue to run.

"Just coming around the headland now, Sam." Jody said as they stopped when they saw the gigantic boat. "Wow, it's big! Like a huge beached whale lying half up against the cliffs." Jody said as Charlotte scanned the outside of the ship. The black hull on the bottom half looked banged up a bit but there was some torn up hull in the water along the left side. It was sitting parrallel to the shore line with the very tip of the ship not far from the top of the cliff.

"I never realized they were that big out of water." Charlotte said slowly.

"It looks sort of sad." Jody said.

"Anthropomorphism, presumably because you know it's crawling with the living dead. Runners, there's a ship there, atleast, so it's not a lie, but we have no idea why someone on that vessel is calling for Runner Five by name." Janine stressed.

"Could be a trick of Van Ark's. I know he's an equal opportunity hater, but I imagine that Charlotte's raid on his lab complex puts you right in the firing line." Simon suggested.

"Indeed. Or it could just be that the news of a helicopter brought down by a rocket launcher has travelled, and they hope to make a personal connection to someone who might help them." Janine suggested as well.

"Yeah, so, what we're saying is be careful, guys. Be super, super, extra specially careful, making sure to pay attention to any potential traps." Sam said.

The three of them ran towards the top of the cliff where they found that the tip was still short of the cliff. "Runner Three, I presume you have the ropes from your expedition to the woodland?" Janine questioned.

"Dib dib dob. Always prepared, Jenny." Simon said pulling out some rope from his bag.

"Yes, I know. Working on the proposition that the distress call might be genuine and valuable supplies might be lost-" Janine started.

"And people!" Sam stressed.

"Yes, yes, and people might be lost when the tide comes in and the ship goes down, I suggest using your ropes to board, and head to the right, towards the bridge." Janine said as Simon tied one end of the rope to the tree before he jumps across to the ship and tied the other rope to the ship. They looped the rope several times around the tree to form a bridge to the cliff.

"And if you see anything remotely, well, you know - suspicious, get out of there, okay? I mean, like-" Sam started before Jody cut in.

"You mean, if we see anyone trying to shoot us, bite us, or kidnap us and turn us into hideous frozen half-zombies test subjects?" She suggested.

"Yeah, well, you know what to do." Sam said softly.

"Run." Charlotte said as they came arcross the rope bridge to the ship.

"Yeah, that." Sam said softly.

"Okay, there you go, Charlotte." Simon said helpping them onto the ship. "We're all on deck now. Quick run around the whole perimeter, guys? See what's what?"

They took off down the deck looking around. The deck was bare of chairs and other objects that would normally be on a cruise ship. "Feels creepy, doesn't it? Jody spoke up suddenly. "All still and quiet, and the mist on the sea, like the ship might've been here for a thousand years..." She trailed off as if she was telling a ghost story.

"I think you'll find it feels creepy because of the faint moaning of the undead from belowdecks, love." Simon said chuckling.

"Yeah, that too. It's weird." Jod said as they continued to run around the ship. "Can't see anyone around - not humans, not zombies."

"I just noticed something. It's all really orderly, isn't it?" Charlotte suggests. "For a cruise ship. Like, all these neatly painted signs with numbers and letters. No deck chairs, no beach balls. Looks more, sort of, regimented?"

"Keep your eyes open. We don't know what's happened here. Runners, head towards the rear of the ship." They change directions heading towards the rear. "Yes, the way you're going. If I'm reading these plans correctly, you should pass the door to- fo'cis'le. 'Foke-sell'? 'Foke-sail'?" Janine tries several times.

"Those aren't even the plans of this ship, Janine." Sam said quickly.

"Yes, yes, but it's a similar type of vessel. Runners, head for the large door on your right. If you pull them open, you should find a staircase up to the bridge." Janine explained.

"You're not sure, though." Sam asked.

"Remember what the Major says. 'In war, no plan survives contact with the enemy, Mr. Yao." Janine said quickly.

"But this isn't a-" Sam started before sighing heavily. "No, just be careful, okay, guys?"

"We will! We are!" Jody said quickly. "Always careful, aren't we, Char? Okay, we're getting to the doors now." They stop in front of the large door. "Just lifting up the bolt, and-" Jody said as she lifted the bolt opening it as they staired down at a staircase going down into what amounted to a pit full of zombies.

"Close the door!" Charlotte said fast as she all three pushed the door closed but the zombies were trying to push it open.

"Ah. Jenny, um, you know I don't like to critize, but um, that wasn't exactly the stairway up to the bridge. More a sort of-" Simon started.

"-holding area full of the living dead?" Charlotte suggested as she pushed her shoulder into the door while Simon pushed at the door above the bolt and Jody kept trying to put the bolt back.

"Well put. Come on, back the way we came. On the count of 3." Simon said. Both girls nodded. "1... 2..." Simon counted slowly. "3!" He shouted as the three of them ran from the door just as the zombies bursted through heading for them.

"Okay, so, situation report." Sam sighed heavily after a while. "We still haven't located the bridge, where we think there might be some survivors. That's not good. And there are forty or fifty shambling zombies following you. That's really not good! And they've cut you off from the rope ladder you used to get onto the ship. That's..." Sam chuckled dryly. "I'm going to have to say, extra specially not good! Anyone got any good news for me."

"Doesn't seem like this is a trap laid by van Ark?" Charlotte said fast. "Unless his big plan for us is getting us killed by zombies, which is sort of an occupational hazard anyway."

"Well, if we keep circling around with the zoms chasing us, we should come back to the rope ladder, yeah?" Simon asked.

"I think I've definitely located the entrance to the bridge now, Mr. Yao." Janine stated.

"Oh, okay. Better than I thought, then. And those aren't fast zombies, just the regular medium-slow ones, and no matter how regimented and un-cruise liner-y this ship looks, the zoms all look like holiday-makers, to be honest." Sam said quickly. "Sunglasses, I think there's on wearing the remains of a water ring on what used to be it's waist, or maybe it's thigh." He laughs suddenly. "That guy really should have rethought those Bermuda shorts! Even without being undead-"

"Mr. Yao!" Janine snaps.

"Yeah, yeah, I don't. don't speak ill of the dead. But seriously, those shorts!" Sam said chuckling.

"Mr. Yao! That repeating transmission - it's changed." Janine said as the Captain's voice returned. ��

"Help us. You have to help us! We can see you. Three runners. Are you from Abel Township? There are only five of us left alive now. One got bitten and didn't tell the others, and... Oh God, they're all around the bridge. They're banging on the door. There's nowhere left to run. Please help us. Please! You see that side door? To the upper deck, that you're coming to? If you could just draw a few of them off, we could - we could - please! Two of the people left alive are children." The captain begged.

"Door on the left, then?" Sam suggested.

"Sounds like it's full of zoms." Charlotte stated.

"Well, when I get it open, be prepared to run faster." Jody said quickly.

"Come on Char. Make as much noise as you can and Run!" simon said as Jody pulled open the door. Simon started to shout while Charlotte whistled loudly drawing the zombies out of the room continuing to run.

Charlotte looked back seeing the now doubled group of zombies following after them. "This way!" She shouted.

"We're running out of ship! Can't jump into the water, we're on a beach. Can't jump down at all, we're about a hundred feet above the rocks. We're oing to die!" Jody cries out.

"Zoms to the left of us, zoms to the right of us..." Simon laments.

"Yeah, don't finish that sentence." Sam said quickly.

"Well, the zoms we let out earlier have met up with the zoms we just let out!" Simon called. "Sam, Jody's right. We're running out of ship. Any bright ideas?"

"Uh, there are those lifeboats hanging over the deck." Sam suggested.

"Those are hardly going to be any use, even if they could get to them, Mr. Yao. As Runner four pointed out, they're on dry land, at least until the tide comes in." Janine scolded.

"No, but if they could like, release them? Drop them on the deck, in the zoms way, block their approach - " Sam suggested again.

"It's too late Sam." Charlotte said. "We passed the release lever about thirty meters ago. It's swarming with zoms, now."

Jody turns and screams as she points towards the stairs leading to the lower decks. "They're coming cup from belowdeck! Look, at the stairs!"

Charlotte stopped as Jody and Simon backed up towards the railing of the ship stairing at the large group of zombies. Charlotte started having deja vu from the school feeling death was ready to take them.

"Sam... We're... We're going to die." Simon said softly as Jody cowered behind Charlotte and Simon.

Charlotte pulled out her axe ready to fight off as many as she could. Suddenly the sound of chains rattling above them as all of the life boats suddenly rushed down on top of the zombies smashing not only them but going right through the floor of the deck. Any zombies that were on the edge fell in as well. Charlotte reached back with her free hand and grabbed the railing pinning Jody to the rail as the floor broke several times as Simon grabbed the railing as well incase the floor continued to break.

"Holy- you did it! You dropped the lifeboats! Broke straight through the upper deck, squashed the zoms! Well done guys!" Sam cheered.

"We... we didn't do it." Charlotte breathed.

"We passed the lever thirty meters back, we said!" Jody said quickly.

"Then who-" Sam started before Janine jumpped in.

"Who's that figure on the upper deck? On the roof. I didn't see her there before." Janine said as the three of them looked towards the stairs as footsteps appeared.

Slowly disending the stairs still dressed in her green shirt and jeans, was Sara Smith. Runner Eight. Her trade mark smirk still on her face. "Simon, Charlotte, Jody - nice to see you all again." She said as Charlotte's jaw dropped see her thought to be dead friend alive and well.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

< 48 >

Season 1 Beginning

Season 2 Beginning

#zombie #zombies run #zombie run #ZombieRun #zombiesrun #run #runner 5 #runner five #runner5 #runnerfive #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic

2 notes · View notes

taiblogcomics · 7 years ago

Text

Chaos Control

Hey there, Fran Drescher. I could finally catch us up on Suicide Squad or something, but we still have just another Pony on the back burner. We've done, like, three in a row, so what's one more~?

Here's the cover:

Well, the world is doomed. There is no scenario where this picture does not result in the apocalypse. Enjoy the ride, everybody~ Also, what's with Discord's pose? "Oh, you've usurped my magical powers, you scamp!"

So we open with best friends Fluttershy and Discord having just finished one of their weekly tea parties, as show in the episode "Discordant Harmony". As they leave, engrossed in conversation, they take no notice of Pinkie Pie chasing her alligator Gummy, which is deeply concerning, because when have you ever seen Gummy moving rapidly at all? Without any thought, the pair of them run straight into the rapidly closing portal back to Discord's chaos dimension.

Pinkie and pet emerge in the weird floating landmass world Discord calls home. Almost immediately, they're accosted by goldfish who begin chanting "Not one of us! Not one of us!" Pinkie prepares to run, making a quip about chase music as she does so--and almost immediately, some anthropomorphic instruments appear to provide said musical accompaniment. She's rather delighted by this, and takes inspiration to duck through an open doorway. On the other side, away from her piscene pursuers, she beholds the full strangeness of the land... and finds it rather inviting~

Back where the world makes sense, Discord is appreciating Fluttershy's animal sanctuary, admiring her ability to build it all without magical powers. Maud makes an unexpected cameo, asking Fluttershy if she's seen Pinkie, since she missed a lunch meeting with Maud. Discord, always eager to show off and make a first impression (forgetting that Maud's impression of him is "the most basic of jokes") attempts to comment on Maud's dry personality by turning her into a whale--only for nothing to happen. Concerned by this, Fluttershy suggests a visit to Twilight for research.

As Pinkie begins further exploration into the mysterious realm in a hot air balloon shaped like her own head, Discord shows off his powers to Twilight for analysis. He can barely change colour, and can't hold it once he does. Starlight Glimmer, also throwing in a cameo, suggests a revisit to his home plane to refill his tanks, as it were. Unfortunately, his powers are now too weak to open the portal. With a little research--ten minutes to us earthbound folks, an eternity to Discord--Twilight and Starlight develop a spell to act as sort of a magical lockpick back into Discord's dimension.

The lockpick spell fails, but they do manage to use it as a window to at least see Pinkie now looking rather content in her new digs. Everyone finds this rather concerning, so the rest of the Mane 6 and Spike are rounded up and a rescue mission planned. Starlight and Spike are staying on this plane to cast the spell and act as an anchor back if they get lost. And thus, the group of them are off~

On the other side, there seems to be some significant redecoration going on. The clouds have become rather familiar-looking swirls and poofs of bright pink, and balloons and flying party cannons are everywhere. Discord notes that this isn't good, as the dimension seems to have latched onto Pinkie's creativity in his absence, which means he can't reclaim his own powers until they unseat Pinkie.

As they get closer to the eye of the storm, as it were, things get weirder, including a brief stop in Edvard Munch's "The Scream". Rainbow attempts to fly ahead, but physics don't work that way anymore, and her rainbow trail merely turns into an elastic cord, stopping her short in front of the great and terrible Pinkie Pie. The chaos realm has its hooks in her now, and she's not so willing to drop the power and return to being a humble party pony. In here, she's now the Princess of Chaos, and party time is all the time~

Indeed, she turns herself into a full-size alicorn princess just to underscore her point. Discord challenges her to a cuckoo cook-off, which is something he just made up, so it works perfectly. Essentially, the first one to run out of creativity is the loser, and the winner claims the realm as ruler. Pinkie accepts, because how can she lose?

A long sequence that words can't do justice ensues. Rest assured, it involves a lot of puns made visuals. While she starts strong, eventually Pinkie wears herself out and surrenders the magic back to Discord. There's no hard feelings, since Discord knows that the dimension encourages things to get out of control. He sends the group home, and Rarity stops a moment to compliment him on his plan to let her use up her ideas without wearing out his own. He admits that he's glad it did work, since that was his last idea... Fortunately, now he has all Pinkie's used-up ideas to work with~

I'm pretty sure Pinkie and Discord is a popular sort of pairing in things in fanworks, given their similar sort of personalities. It's about time someone looked at it in a slightly more official work. Honestly, I can see this as an actual episode. Tack on a message about self-control or something, and you're good to go~

Next issue, the B-side characters from this issue, Flutters and Twilight, hang out or something. Also there's a vine! I guess we'll see what that's about later~

#comics #reviews #My Little Pony Friendship is Magic IDW #Taiblog #Pinkie Pie

1 note · View note

spicynbachili1 · 6 years ago

Text

Paw Patrol: On A Roll Review

I’m maybe not the world’s biggest fan of Paw Patrol. I feel it’s honest to say I hate it with a fiery ardour burning just like the solar. My son, one week away from turning four, likes it a good quantity. Not his favorite – it’s no Octonauts or Wild Kratts – however sufficient that I put him to mattress in Paw Patrol pyjamas. Our opinions differ. As, it seems, they do on this grimly perfunctory and dreadful sport that he likes.

It’s possible you’ll be lucky sufficient to not know what or who the Paw Patrol are. Let me spoil that. It’s a couple of younger boy referred to as Ryder and his group of anthropomorphic pups who assist folks and animals in hassle. They’re a global children’ TV sensation, created by Keith Chapman, who beforehand created Bob The Builder. (Keith, I’m guessing, may need been bullied by ladies in school or one thing, as a result of his programmes barely characteristic them. Paw Patrol has poor pink Sky as The Lady One within the common group of six.) For the Paw Patrol, I’ll have you realize, no downside is just too massive, and no pup is just too small.

The ensuing cartoon is a plasticy CGI that in the beginning was primarily in regards to the pups enthusiastically utilizing their particular person abilities and autos to assist stricken birds or stranded sea turtles, whereas avoiding the hapless errors of pleasant doofus Captain Turbot. Nonetheless, once I idiotically took myself and the boy to the cinema final week to see “six new episodes”, it appears it has since degraded into the same old ‘fool antagonist will get in hassle and needs to be rescued’ bilge of third-rate pre-school cartoons. (As we left the cinema I mentioned to my son, “Sorry Toby, my mind is simply soup now.” One other dad heard and exclaimed to me, “ALL THE EPISODES WERE THE SAME!”) This sport is about again in these unique days, when instances had been less complicated, and there wasn’t a group of evil cats making an attempt to thwart them.

It’s honest to say On A Roll does an excellent job of capturing the cartoon. It’s bland, repetitive, churned-out garbage seemingly based mostly on the mantra, “Oh who cares, it’s for 3 yr olds.” I’ll let you know who cares: THE PARENTS.

The sport consists of the identical stage again and again and again and again and over, through which you play as one in every of eight canines (they’ve additionally included Everest, The Different Lady One who appears to solely flip up within the feature-length eps, and one different boy canine who is rarely recognized nor featured in as many ranges as I may cope enjoying), operating and leaping inexorably to the fitting. Alongside the best way you’re requested by Ryder, roughly each seven seconds, to gather as many canine biscuits as you may, in your approach to nebulously rescue an deserted rabbit or construct a bridge for a duck – only a factor that it says you’ve achieved when you’ve reached the far proper edge.

It’s terrible. Colossally terrible. Terrible to the purpose that when creating their PC port, regardless of operating on Unity, they haven’t bothered to map significant controls. It doesn’t recognise a controller, however hilariously, maps the buttons to A, B, X and Y in your keyboard. You realize, as a result of an Xbox controller has A, B, X and Y buttons. The diploma to which it embraces this resolution is kind of the factor: when Ryder tells you for the ninety-seventh time that stage to maneuver by “shifting the left stick”, it flashes up an image of a controller, with an image of keyboard arrow keys blinking on its left facet. Sure, re-read that sentence, it says what you thought. Look beneath, I’m not mendacity:

Toby thinks it’s nice.

I’m not likely certain what to let you know. He’s three? He’s precisely the goal marketplace for “this’ll do” sport growth? The sport had characters from the TV present he likes on it, and he obtained to maneuver them, albeit whereas making an attempt to function both finish of the keyboard similtaneously Ryder incessantly bleated at him to make use of a “stick”.

So I requested him why he appreciated it, and right here’s his overview:

Daddy: What do you consider this sport? Toby: Good. Daddy: Actually? Why do you suppose it’s good? Toby: As a result of it’s about Paw Patrol. Daddy: Did you just like the operating and the leaping? Toby: I did just like the leaping. I did just like the operating too. Daddy: What did you consider the images? Toby: Good! As a result of it was numerous completely different Paw Patrol working in a group. Daddy: What do you consider Ryder on this sport? Toby: Not one bit good! Daddy: Why’s that? Toby: As a result of he’s simply so whingy! Telling us to do issues that we already know! Daddy: What do you want about what you do on this sport? Toby: As a result of… as a result of the Paw Patrol work as a group! I mentioned that two instances! Daddy: Oh, I’m SO sorry. What’s dangerous about this sport? Toby: Ryder! Daddy: Anything? Toby: No, simply Ryder. Such a whingypops!

So no less than we agreed on one level. Severely, Ryder (American model) talks so incessantly that he extra steadily interrupts himself together with his subsequent remark than leaves a second of quiet between them.

Which makes it all of the more bizarre that he’s the one voice within the sport. They didn’t even hassle hiring voice-a-likes (which, truthfully, may have been any six children) to ship the pups’ particular person catchphrases. So there are not any exclamations of Chase being on the case, and Rocky by no means as soon as appeals that we don’t lose it however reuse it. That is likely to be a blessed reduction for any dad and mom who suppose they may simply come out on a quick homicide spree if they’ve to listen to such issues ever once more, nevertheless it actually does really feel odd in a sport that’s, you realize, in regards to the canines.

Which makes the purpose, actually. Absolutely the minimal has been put into this, past some good particulars with the pup’s animations. It’s primarily the identical bland nothing stage repeatedly, with embarrassingly badly ported controls, and one voice actor for a sport based mostly on a sequence that includes a dozen well-known characters. And he appreciated it.

That’s all they wanted to do for his or her goal market, isn’t it? So ought to they’ve achieved extra? Wouldn’t it have been price anybody’s time to take action? I’ve no thought. It’d have made it much more nice for the dad and mom who sit there whereas it’s performed, and inevitably have to truly play it as soon as their pre-schooler is bored of controlling issues.

However what they completely bloody nicely shouldn’t have achieved is charged £25 for it! Good lord, if I hadn’t gotten this at no cost I’d not be writing a overview proper now, I’d be on a rampage, destroying continents. It’s not price a fiver. (It’s £30 on console!) What a crock.

My tip: don’t inform your youngster it exists and then you definately’ll probably not want to fret. And my different significantly better tip: get your pre-schoolers (and certainly schoolers) watching Wild Kratts. It’s on Netflix within the UK, PBS Children is the US, TVOKids in its native Canada, and so they put it up on YouTube! As a result of in case you’re simply so achingly sick of the bilge, belief me, that is fairly respectable, and truly teaches some tremendous fascinating information about animals. Do you know that the loudest animal on Earth is the sperm whale?! I didn’t! So there you might be. PS. I hate Paw Patrol.

from SpicyNBAChili.com http://spicymoviechili.spicynbachili.com/paw-patrol-on-a-roll-review/

0 notes

zeemonkey1 · 7 years ago

Text

Watcher, Wiseman II

In which Curious George buildeth a cyborg

Many of the events that transpire around Curious George seem bafflingly random, that is, until a cunning and insidious master plan is revealed. George does not evolve—he is being crafted. It is known.

What say you, Polonius?

Though this be madness, yet there is method in ’t.

What say you, Gloucester?

As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods.

They kill us for their sport.

What say you, Alyssa Edwards?

Get a grip, get a life, and get over it.

Alas, mama, if only I could. But I must know what George will become, and why Wiseman is building him. Yorbo was just the beginning.

The very next episode starts with that guy from Jurassic Park III telling us that Curious George loves the museum. Thanks, Academy-Award-winning shoveler. Sky is blue, water is wet, the monkey loves the museum.

Half the episodes involve the fucking museum. It’s like saying Peter Parker loves science. Gee I wonder if Spider-Man is gonna have to fight some guy who did science. Will he himself do science to stop the science-doing guy? Bated dadgum breath I tells ya.

But George learns lessons in the museum. Museum lessons? Sometimes, but it’s always serving some sort of future plot-point. He saw polar bears. He saw penguins. He saw vending machines.

seethemonkey ain’thekeen allthingsserve thefuckinbeam

Penguins and polar bears frolicking together is as ubiquitous in advertising as anthropomorphic pigs smiling and serving us their barbecued brethren. Thus, it is necessary to repeat, as often as necessary, that in real life

isthisreallife

in real life penguins and polar bears never meet. They live on opposite ends of the Earth. Ground-based predators would make penguins go extinct. But Curious George knows this. In fact, he is more interested in the museum’s vending machines.

As am I. They are weird. Not one of them dispenses a carbonated beverage or a candy bar. They dispense soup, sandwiches, and apples. Never in my life have I seen an apple vending machine. The very idea is obscene and erroneous. They would rot or get stuck in the gears or come out all nasty. Just dadgum ridiculous. George imagines that the apple-dispensing machine has a farmer in it that sleeps until he is called upon to throw an apple down a pipe.

Professor Wiseman appears out of nowhere and sets her plan in motion. The Watcher knows. She knows what will transpire. She has already glued together polar bears, penguins and vending machines. She is playing 4D chess while the rest of us are playing checkers with rocks and bottlecaps. She tells George to have an apple, hands him a coin and says “on me!”

The Man in the Yellow Hat (MYH) tries to make conversation. He does not know the role he will play. She will not send him on a quest to cure his grayscale. Wiseman will own him, body and soul. She spins a ridiculous tale.

She was about to go on an expedition to the North and South Poles, she says, but Operation Snow-Go is Operation No-Go

kekkity kek kek

because the Arctic and Antarctic Clubs can’t seem to get along. Could MYH possibly host a dinner—at his apartment—for these two groups of feuding scientists? And MYH be all “oh, sure I can do that well gee golly and so forth.” Meanwhile, Curious George watches a guy replenish the apples in the apple vending machine. He discovers that the machine’s innards are made of wheels and ramps and there is no sleeping farmer. So why did the vending-machine guy show up right then?

allpartoftheplan

Cut to MYH and George cooking dinner. MYH burns it in the oven because of course he does, and then leaves George alone so he can go buy an actual meal from Chef Pisghetti.

Y’all. We’ve seen this before. MYH leaves Curious George alone, Curious George trashes the apartment or floods the building or otherwise causes destruction and misery, only to be magically rescued from any sort of punishment or repercussion. But all these previous shenanigans were not specifically orchestrated by Professor Wiseman.

MYH has tasked George with using Wiseman’s dinner instructions to make a specific dessert.

It is a stupid dessert. I’ve never heard of it before. It is called Snow on the Mountain, which sounds more like Nicholas Sparks’s next novel, or the newest strain of that loud. There is no cooking, no flour, no sugar—none of the things that would normally cover every square inch of the apartment when George was done with them.

She knows

George does the logical thing—he builds a cyborg out of Gnocchi, Chef Pisghetti’s cat.

wat

Don’t tell me about no definitions. A cyborg is a machine made of both mechanical and biological parts. So when a monkey that has until recently been too stupid to count suddenly designs and assembles a vending machine out of toys, wooden spoons, butterflies, a refrigerator box and a dadgum cat, it’s a cyborg.

Where did this monkey get such advanced mechanical training? MYH didn’t teach him; that mouth-breather burnt dinner because he thought turning up the oven’s heat would make it cook faster. And a monkey, a monkey who until recently thought clocks were time machines, all of a sudden can build a cat-powered Snow on the Mountain dispenser.

The Watcher did this. Wiseman did this. And then she tests it.

When the Arctic and Antarctic clubs arrive, they look like distinguished scientists in the same way a bicycle looks like a sperm whale. They’re all wearing snowsuits over businesswear in the middle of a city in the middle of the damn summer. They divide up at MYH’s house like Sharks and Jets at the dance party. The North Pole crew are all wearing polar bear hats and are led by a dumpy guy that looks like pre-weightloss Al Roker. Meanwhile, South Pole Squad got them penguin snapbacks, son, and their leader is a high-chinned lady whose first words had to have been “Well, I never!” His name is Dewey Freezem, and her name is Chilla DeWinter.

Totally not made-up names. Totally not henchmen of the Wiseman.

One time I read this article about a psychological experiment. They put all the participants into a waiting room and said the experiment would start shortly. But the waiting room WAS the experiment. I think they just slowly raised the temperature in the room until everybody killed each other or something like that.

notreal scientists theyain’treal

I’m saying, we don’t even get to watch them eat dinner. MYH has opened the balcony doors and turned on the fan, because it’s so hot in his apartment that his ten guests are all wearing giant coats.

Wiseman says it is time for the entertainment. MYH says he forgot all about the entertainment. Wiseman isn’t worried.

She knows

Here comes George with his vending machine. He puts a butterfly into a coinslot cut into the side of the box. Inside, Gnocchi chases the butterfly, which turns a wheel, which scoops blueberries into a bowl and sprinkles coconut shavings on top of it. No human engineer on the planet has ever conceived of nor built such a machine, but a monkey did it with garbage and a cat.

Everybody gets Snow on the Mountain. Chilla DeWinter and Dewey Freezem bond over childhood memories of the dessert.

I just met a girl named Maria

Suddenly Gnocchi goes berserk inside the machine and wrecks it. Coconut shavings and blueberries go everywhere and destroy the apartment. Nobody cares—the Arctic/Antarctic street gangs laugh and cheer. Freezem says he loves the snow in the Arctic. DeWinter says she loves the snow in the Antarctic. But they’re friends now, because, as they say, “Snow is snow.”

Hold up now wait a minute

But that’s bullshit. None of this is true. It’s not snow; it’s coconut. It doesn’t snow in the Antarctic; Antarctica is the world’s driest desert—it makes the Sahara seem like Waikiki. She a lie.

She a damn lie

So what was the point? Why in the name of all that is holy would Professor Wiseman have a fake dinner for fake scientists and destroy MYH’s apartment?

Just to see George build a vending machine.

Imagine me as the butter-robot on Rick and Morty:

Oh My God

#curiousgeorge #madnessofcuriousgeorge #mocg #wiseman #manintheyellowhat #myh #alyssaedwards #polonius

0 notes