#not a vague or anything i havent seen any reactions yet

[nailgunstigmata]

pls remember that being sad the pod is on pause and being happy theyre supporting the strike are two opinions that can coexist. you can be upset about missing ur weekly glenn asmr while still knowing that fair working conditions are far more important than any podcast could be

[spikeinthepunch]

if you thought that was the last post i would write today about Lisa, you are a fool. i wrote that last one at 2am so i have energy for another one, bc i had *more* thoughts even after that

TW for sexual abuse/rape/assault (i am going into more detail so please take that TW seriously)

Do victims talk? & how all the men mean something.

This is stupid long, sorry lol. i threw two topics into one.

okay so i had these thoughts on my mind prior and again i havent played Joyful (a few minutes of the start only)-- but with just the context of Painful this still sits on my mind.

Do victims talk? I want to answer this for myself.

Lisa (the character) was sexually abused and The First was pretty much an inner look at her mind. This reflects through most of Painful whenever it comes up, even if they aren't straightforward about it. That was the main thing, was not being clear when i played Painful, I didn't know what I was getting into. but with enough information it wasn't hard to side with Brad whether it was because of the abuse or the suicide-- and the fact that Buddy had been kidnapped in a world of men, who needed her in order to bring the world back. From the start, I felt like I knew what was coming in that regard...

But Buddy's important to the world was clear.... Obviously important. But Buddy is a child and so when Brad has a realization/assumption over what will happen the player can side with him. When i played i was immediately like, oh god, oh jesus. Of course I wanted Brad to save her... what I saw in their life of Brad keeping her inside didn't seem wrong, not exactly.

But there was a change of mindset towards the end of the game. Thats where that good intent falters. And you look back and question things... you kind of realize why Buddy acted how she did, and how she has been able to defend herself.

But the biggest notice to me is the lack of Buddy talking about anything the men implied they did to her. When you explore you hear them say vulgar things, then you get the to the Hairspray guys (whatever theyre called) and you hear what they're saying about having her in a back room for men to take turns on her and thats the first "oh god" moment. You of course find a man in her place, but still implied that she was in fact here and escaped. So, the implication still remains... You haven't seen Buddy at this point so you dont know what she'd say.

But when you do-- that is when she brings up Sticky. And yet again, the implications make it sound like Sticky raped her to 'teach' her about sex. But buddy seems to describe it vaguely after Brad gets mad about it. To continue this furthers and more quickly-- other instances of abuse/violence/assault on Buddy that are show or mentioned are Buzzo cutting off her nipple (shown), the mutilation of her face (shown), and at the start of Joyful the comment that one of Rando's 'friends' tried to touch/assault/rape her when she was tied up (off screen). That last one, Buddy again brushes off and doesnt say much.

So what do i say this all for. Well, the question is "how much of this actually happened to buddy?" We saw some on screen violence. But rape, assault, molestation? She doesnt say it exactly... but I think any survivors or those familiar would know full well that that doesnt mean it didnt happen. I think its completely wrong to assume nothing could have happened. lets break down the things that occurred from Buddy's end/how she acts, and some other details

Brad has already closed her off and isolated her. she doesnt know like, anything. she probably doesnt understand at all what sex would be and what would be bad (much like many csa victiums!)-- especially if Sticky did it, someone she trusts.

She shuts down when she starts to tells Brad, not exactly because she doesnt want to tell him- rather because he starts to get mad. Buddy knows that is a scary reaction from the past and probably ties that all into the anger Brad had towards her wanting to learn and explore (something she felt Sticky did)

overall, Buddy wants to use this opportunity to explore and see and learn and most of all, not be with Brad. she doesnt want to talk to him or share with him anything because she knows what hes like.

and ultimately... victims often dont tell people. maybe they dont know how. maybe they dont realize its abuse (again, common for children who dont know a lot). and for buddy too, she doesnt trust the one person who wants to make sure she is safe from all of it.

to go on the statements Buddy and others make regarding these events- i think it would be odd for all of those men to be lying. especially sudden moments like the start of Joyful (especially when the guys said they killed the other for what he tried to do). The Sticky instance was stated by Buddy in a vague way herself which is reliable. there was enough shown violence, attraction, and ability to contain her for moments that it just doesnt seem right to think theyd be lying too, like the Hair guys.

In the end you have two important things to think about: Buddy does not trust Brad anymore. She won't tell him anything. And the men like bragging. They loved talking about her. With the evidence we had about when she had been capture her, this doesnt look like lying from them- they were proud to have potentially having her for good.

In this story the men mean a LOT. they imply so much. and after the secret boss fight? I realized they mean so much more.

How all the men mean something.

The secret fight with Marty showed how deeply ingrain he is in Brad's mind. I expressed a LOT more about that in this post from last night. But the main thing to gather for this topic is how a lot of that mindset is defended by Marty as "this is how men should be".

Masculinity. Power. Control. Dominance. He expected the same from Brad and failing to do so meant he was weak, unworthy, pathetic, unmanly... While Brad escaped and desperately didn't want to be like him, he did what Marty did to Dusty and he abused drugs, etc. For Brad, he cannot shake the guilt that he will be the abuser his father was.

What does this have to do with the world of Olathe being full of men? Oh it has so much to do with the story. The implications... Olathe is full of men. They have formed groups who fight each other and are quite horribly violent at times. Masculinity is undeniably at its peak, and directs much of their culture....

You see how masculinity plays a huge role? No not every man alive here is horrible and abusive. But the point is that masculinity drives them, and more often than not its an "excuse" to living the way they do. Be tough, hold your ground, don't let anyone make you weaker than them. If you're weak and you can't stand up, you will face consequences for it. Toughen up.

The sense of power and dominance these men have in this world became WAY more obvious when Buddy comes up. They are scrambling to find her and their dynamics become incredibly violent and push these aspects of masculinity to the worst of it. Marty's mindset is the worst of the twisted idea of how to assert authority, and how to treat someone weaker than you. You can do as you want. You can beat them or rape them. The culture that Olathe created for these men made them fall into this warped mindset much like the one Marty promoted. These guys knew Buddy was a weak little child. They wanted to use her and do as they pleased. They could they could because they were bigger, powerful, etc.

Their words and wishes are basically as disgusting as the things Marty would say. I think thats enough to solidify that connection.

Lisa has an incredibly interesting narrative on how a Victim is viewed from the outside. How abuse effects further abuse- the distrust of child to guardian in telling them when something bad has happened and the inability to save them due to it. And from the inside, how masculinity through trauma can warp your mind. How the influence of a man towards man, feeds into a cycle of abuse and the world where that masculine culture is ingrained in everyone no matter how deeply they act on it.

cycles. "you cant escape". everything things about it seems utterly hopeless but the game still pushes you towards something-- it makes you want to crawl towards the light that Brad struggles to reach. but this was never an easy process. your action created consequences you never wanted to happen in the first place. your intentions were selfish- you didnt learn, you didnt understand how actually fix this. it was a desperate attempt.

but by god you want to change it so bad. isnt that something? internally you gotta keep holding on to it. jesus christ, dont let go, or itll be all for nothing. you are not fated to be your abuser. you are not fated to never escape. you have to remember that. you must face all of this but you have to fucking rip apart the guilt and the anger and the sadness to get there first. maybe this wasnt the way to do it. but please dont give up, okay? thats what its all about.

[justcourttee]

could you do one where dami and mari are dating but they havent told the waynes yet and they keep seeing hints of their relationship (like clothes around the place, dami talking to on the phone and smiling, stuff like that) but they cant figure out whats happening!!!! the ice prince is softening and theyre like wtf!!!

I’m sorry, it’s a little different. I got carried away! I hope you still like it!

Tim is Like a Genius or Something..

It was official. Tim had lost it.

At least that was the sentiment the family shared as they watched him tumble down the rabbit hole that he had sprawled out across the dining room table.

“-and then he smiled at me. At me! That has never happened before, at least not a genuine one.” He paused to catch his breath, allowing his theory to sink in.

“Timmy, don’t you think you’re giving the boy too much credit?” Jason was the only one able to voice what they all were thinking, at least the one with the best chance of not getting their head torn off. “I mean, he has trouble communicating with his own gender and now you’re telling me he’s been able to woo his female lab partner?”

Tim slammed his hands on the table in frustration before sinking back into the chair he had started in. For weeks now he had been gathering evidence of his brother’s oddities and for weeks he had been haunted by a softer and friendlier Damian.

“Think about it guys, please!”

His pleads seemed to fall on deaf ears as one by one they left the table, each offering their own look of sympathy until he was the only one in the room. It wasn’t long until he himself had given up, collecting his pictures from the table, tearing them in half one by one.

Maybe Dick was right. His hallucinations were getting the better of him. After all, even if Damian was changing, it couldn’t be because of one girl, right?

Absolutely nobody in the world could wield enough power to reign in a demon such as him. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tim had survived another week of hallucinations. He had tried sleeping more, laying off his coffee, and even cutting his hours back from Wayne Enterprises. But as he sat in the kitchen, going through his emails, his mind remained drowning in thoughts of his replacement.

“Timmy, do you know who this jacket belongs to? The ladies say it’s not theirs and if it’s one of Brucie’s night friends, I bet it’s worth thousands.”

Tim spared a glance from his laptop to where Jason stood in front of him, his fist clenched around a small black pullover. He had half the mind to wave him off when something pink flashed from the corner of his eye.

“Jason, let me see the jacket.”

Jason tossed it, his face cautious as if Tim were about to dart with his next paycheck, but it was the furthest thought in the younger Wayne’s mind.

“The girl that Damian is always bringing over, it belongs to her. His lab partner.”

“You mean Marinette? Damn, then I probably won’t make much off of it. Guess I’ll probably give it back next time I see her.”

Tim waited, his face showcasing the perplexion he felt as Jason seemed to walk away thoughtlessly. How he could come to the same conclusion that he did? How? It felt like it was so obvious.

“No.” His voice was firm, barely above a whisper as he shook off the thought, returning to his laptop. He agreed that he would drop it and that’s what he was going to do. “Marinette was just a nice girl trying to help out Damian and he probably views as some intriguing toy, yeah, that’s all.”

Besides, it was just one jacket and why would he want to damn the girl over one jacket.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He should have damned her. That was the only thought that plagued his mind as he listened to the conversation at breakfast.

“Did you guys know that the Demon uses his phone during patrol?”

Bruce looked up from his paper, his face a mixture of disappointment and interest.

“Can you elaborate Dick? What do you mean by uses his phone?”

“Exactly that! We took a break on a roof in our sector and right as I was about to turn around to ask him where we should check next, he was answering a phone call! We sat on that roof for an hour because he said ‘he couldn’t hang up yet’.”

Tim nearly choked on his coffee as he slammed his mug into the table earning a glance from both the men.

“Richard, who was calling him?”

“Hmm? You know, I tried asking him but he waved me off instead.”

“You mean he didn’t try to tear your head off?” Tim watched in horror as Dick shook his head in denial, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Maybe he finally has a friend other than Jon!”

Bruce nodded as if the notion weren’t completely insane, his eyes returning the newspaper in his hands. Dick smiled, returning to his crossword as if there was nothing wrong with the world as if he didn’t drop the largest bombshell in history.

“This is so wrong, why can’t any of you see how wrong this is?”

Neither spared him a glance as they continued their morning routines with thoughtless giddy expressions.

At this point, Tim wasn’t sure he could drop it anymore. There was so much evidence piling up, so much pointing that Damian obviously liked the girl at least. Why was he the only one who could see that?

It was decided. The next time Marinette came over, he was confronting this once and for all.

.  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Tim waited and waited. Weeks passed between her last visit to the manor. Damian had left several times and random hours of the day, always giving him vague answers as to where he was going. It was as if the little demon read his mind and decided it was safer to meet her outside the manor.

He was so close to giving up when a truly diabolical thought crossed his mind. His smile was sinister as he approached Bruce’s office, his plan foolproof. He gave a slight knock on the door, two voices asking him to enter.

“Hey Bruce, Dick. I was just thinking the other day, we haven’t seen Marinette around lately. You both know that Damian is terrible at keeping up with his acquaintances. Maybe we should invite her for dinner one night! I mean, we all adore her, right? She is such a good influence for Damian too.”

It was like clockwork. Both Dick and Bruce jumped on the opportunity each pulling out their phones to let both kids know the details of when this dinner party would occur. As Tim left out the room, he couldn’t help the hysterical giggle that escaped from his lips. For good measure, he made sure to linger by Damian’s room, awaiting the reaction he was longing to hear. Surely enough, a soft ‘shit’ could be heard followed by heavy footsteps echoing as if he was pacing his room. It was the best sound Tim had heard in weeks.

Three agonizing days passed before Tim found himself waiting at the manor door to welcome Marinette into the manor. Damian had volunteered to bring her to the dining room himself, but Tim argued that it would be rude if not a single one of them were also there to greet her. In the end, Tim and Dick were volunteered to accompany one angry demon to see Marinette to the dining hall.

“Thank you so much for having me! I was surprised when I received a call from not just Damian, but you too Dick. I was under the impression that Damian hadn’t said anything yet.”

Damian’s face paled as his eyes darted to Dick’s as if Marinette said something damning. Tim caught onto immediately, his eyes also watching Dick’s face for any indication that he had realized the weight in her statement.

“Said anything? You mean about your friendship? Well, it’s impossible to pry anything from him, but we couldn’t let him keep you all to himself!”

In all of his blissful ignorance, he turned on his heel, dragging Marinette with him, chatting idly about whatever came to mind. Damian raced after him, his face a mixture of panic and hatred. It was a sight that warmed Tim to his core.

All dinner he watched as Damian stirred the conversation off Marinette only for someone to inevitably bring it right back. He relished in Damian nearly pulling his own hair out to ensure no one asked the question that Tim had been pressing for weeks now.

As the night drew to an end, Damian couldn’t rush her out of the manor fast enough. The doors slammed shut with a loud thud ricocheting through everyone’s ears.

“So, we’re in agreeance right?”

Tim turned his attention to where Jason leaned against the entryway, his lazy smirk building hope in the younger boy’s chest.

“Very much. They are definitely courting, or what is the phrase you call it now? Dating? Hangin’?” Bruce chuckled at his own joke before his gaze dropped to meet Tim’s. “It looks like we owe you an apology.”

Words never sounded more beautiful to Tim, he honestly felt like he might shed a tear. A heavy weight caused him to stumble as Dick threw himself onto Tim’s back.

“Tim is like a genius or something, right guys? I mean who would have ever guessed that Damian had a girlfriend! Hey, do you think they’ll get married? Does that mean at this point Damian is your best chance at getting grandkids?”

Tim dealt with the picking and jokes and the onslaught of fake apologies as they remained crowded in the entrance, waiting for Damian’s return. To him, none of it mattered as much as seeing his replacement’s face the minute they walked through the door.

After all, it was a large reward for a small price to pay. It all comes with being a genius.

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[omegawolverine]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[vaindumbass]

Do it. Elaborate on the Shrek au. I dare you.

oh god. oh god. well i cannot resist now i have been dared. remember that u asked for this. Also, this is mainly a collection of vague thoughts & details that maybe do not matter all that much, and will probably not make sense if u havent watched it.

fundamentally, shrek is a film (insert ‘im not even going to call it a movie’ meme here) about learning to love yourself as you are, but also about opening up to other people & letting them help you & also about how those two things interact with each other.

And who kind of hates himself and feels like a monster and uses the help of his friends? remus, of course. However! to even slightly maintain the vibe of the film the main character has to look hideous and intimidating to others, so we’re adding the lore that everyone can see that he’s a werewolf because of a particular scar on his head.

(sidenote: remember when sirius volunarily locked himself into a cave and looked like shit and ate rats? he would also make a good shrek, but if im going to list all the alternative ways this could be done we’ll never be done) 

Then, an enthusiastic four-footed sidekick: prongs. yes, it’s James in stag form. no, i don’t think he’ll be human at any point in the movie. (He has to be an outcast, that’s what unites them all, after all)

Also, the swamp is the shrieking shack.

now it’s going to get complicated, because unfortunately shrek wasn’t made with the idea of a marauders au in mind, which is kind of inconsiderate tbh. I’d make voldemort Lord Farquad just so that all the ‘compensating for something’ jokes can be replaced with something along the lines of: ‘well u know what they say: the smaller the nose,,,,’  

the magic mirror that snitches on them is Peter, and he tells voldemort that to be complete he needs a seventh horcrux and that the only thing fit for that is this one Black family heirloom. The black family will only give it away as a wedding gift. enter sirius black, stage left. 

lily is the dragon but. we’ve got to change the personality. lily is simply a Professional and wants to do her job, but james, overconfident as always, says he’ll be able to distract her with his seductive skills (yes, hes still a stag). Weirdest thing? it works. lily, who has never really talked to anyone before, just burned them to a crisp, is too busy laughing to really do anything. Somehow the whole ranting and never stop talking thing is the perfect approach, and Lily is quite curious about the outside world and how it has changed those past few years, and she is quite glad that she doesn’t have to kill him, because turns out he was just lost, and that must be true because he hasn’t asked about the prince yet. 

And then she spots Remus and Sirius getting away and realizes she was tricked. she isn’t exactly. proud of her reaction but to be fair trying to burn and kill people was just her knee-jerk reaction at that point!! she didn’t really have the time to get used to the talking thing!! 

ehhh sirius changes into a. fucking dog at night. and he can’t control it. that’s the curse. 

that one robin hood-like figure? that came to attack them? the blonde one with the song. yes that’s Gilderoy Lockhart and Sirius enjoys punching him very much (#letsiriusblackgoferal2021). Remus enjoys watching the punching and such and then the cute and slightly disturbing bonding montage starts. 

they take shelter in the windmill, sirius transforms into a dog but can still talk for plot reasons, and explains the whole being cursed and needing a true love’s kiss etcetera. remus got him a flower but drops it when he hears the words ‘but who could ever love a mangy mutt’ and it’s all a very sad misunderstanding and voldemort takes sirius away. (sorry abt putting the image of sirius and voldemort marrying into ur head <3) 

Here, for fun, I’d suggest just giving Lily some time to shine, going out, exploring the world, because she doesn’t really have a job anymore and doesn’t know what to do. She sees the fairytale people, the different ones, and how they are treated and how lord voldemort tries to get them all away because it doesn’t fit into his worldview. It’s horrible, and at her core, she’s a protector, so one day she just swoops two dwarfs (marlene and dorcas) onto her back, away from the soldiers who try to make them go down the mines and stay there forever, out of sight.

They have fun & explore & become friends, honestly, and her new friends want to show her some really cool dwarven shit let’s say a nice gemstone. Lily gives the appropriate reaction but unfortunately a very big dragon isn’t very subtle and the soldiers manage to find them and to capture marlene and dorcas, who both encourage lily to just get away as fast as possible. and lily does. she flies and flies and keeps flying until she can’t and then she stops next to a lake and cries.

that’s where she sees james again. they talk, james consoles her, says that at least she had that friendship because friendship is the most important thing in the world, and then we see him have a lightbulb moment. He makes up with remus. 

They crash the wedding! sirius appreciates the dramatics of it all, and, not one to be bested, reveals that he changes into a dog when the sun goes down. lord voldemort, appaled, calls for his guards (remember, the problem isn’t necessarily ugliness, here, but the exclusion of the non-normal, non-human people (shrek as a metaphor for queerness anyone?)) and lily eats him. #girlboss

remus hugs dog-sirius, and he’s smiling a lot more than we’ve seen so far in this film!! he also presses a small kiss to the top of sirius’ head just because. not much happens but a few seconds later sirius seems to concentrate and suddenly he’s human again (a delighted human, to be clear). he concentrates again and he’s a dog. human-dog-human-dog-human. remus, although he isn’t quite sure what’s going on, watches with a fond smile. sirius remembers he’s there and they kiss and it’s cute ig

ending scene is a big party with a banner of ‘we ended the monarchy!!!!’ and next to it there’s a painting of the person who was elected as president and it’s Just Some Guy. halfway through the party james decides to defend lily’s honour and crosses out the ‘we’ and writes down ‘I’ and drapes it around lily as if it’s a sash. remus and sirius are also vibing. dorcas and marlene are furiously digging out gems and giving them to each other (it’s how they flirt). the end <3

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[onemomentforkindness]

My girlfriend is pregnant. And I'm an asshole.

I started talking to this girl in mid June. She is bi. I have no problem, in fact every girl I end up being attracted to ends up being or is bi. All is going well. I met her mom, her roommate, we have had cuddle dates. Then shortly after the 4th? Date? I don't know what was considered a date or just a meet up? She messages me after going to urgent care for severe tummy pain. She tells me she is prego. (I identify female, and am AFAB, so is she) biologically it is impossible for us to accidentally conceive a child. Besides all we had done was cuddle and makeout. No over the underwear, or other intimate touching under the clothes either. She begs me to stay with her. She already has a young child, so I decide that one more should not make a difference. She didnt even think she could get preggo again due to being diagnosed with ovarian cancer after her first pregnancy. She becomes distant over messaging. I invite her over for a cuddle on a later date, she accepts. But she doesnt answer my messages as consistently? She has to put her dog down because the poor thing is old and suffering. She becomes more distant. I havent seen her in person since our last date before she found out she was preggo. I start to fear she will cancel or worse yet dump me? I try to send her reassuring possitive messages. She sends me message she is in love with me. I dont say it back because I want the first time I say it to be in person. She sends message of doudt. I try to reassure her I care deeply without saying the words "I love you." Today July 21, the day after her birthday. She is still distant. I tell her i love her over message because she sent me a vague unsure standoffish message after I asked if we were still on for our next date. Up till now she had been moving fast and not caring how quickly. She didnt wanna meet anyone. And she didnt seem excited at all about seeing me. I asked her if we were okay? I told her that I understand if now isnt a great time for a relationship? I tell her that I will respect any decision she makes regarding our status. I just need to know? She has not messaged me back in 4 and a half hours. Either I misunderstood and fucked it all up, or she is trying to find the courage to dump me? Im paranoid af everytime I hear my phone. Im stress eating (binge eating disorder, so not good for me). I'm second guessing my phrasing, and how she could see anything I said as judgmental and hurtful. I'm worried about her well being? At the same time trying to reassure myself, and also telling myself that I shouldn't be so entitled that I am that important that she could have that bad a reaction to possible not having me. I told her that if she didnt want a relationship I still wanted to be her friend, and that I still cared deeply for her? I dont know what to do. And I have to stop myself from messaging her every 15 minutes with the same fucking message worded differently like its gonna make a difference or tell anything new that will help her make up her mind? I feel like a selfish entitled asshole and I'm worried that I may have broke this Angel's heart? I feel like shit.

[hgfstreamchats]

The Wicker Man

Welcome to the 'highglossfinish' room. Zephra85: WOO HOO Look who ACTUALLY made it to a stream for the first time in a million years yYYEAH Knock Out: Zephra human! Knock Out: Good to have you! Zephra85: :D Hi Knock Out! Zephra85: HAH I'm not only here I'm here FIRST Zephra85: amazing Thenightetc: I've been "here" a few minutes :) Zephra85: psh Thenightetc: *criiiiiiiiiinge* thebestdecepticonleader: #me Zephra85: wtf Thenightetc: Noooooo why did she eat it Thenightetc: that was so unnecessary Thenightetc: floor tuna :( Knock Out: Dirty, bloody floor tuna. Zephra85: I've had worse

Zephra85: The sunny atmosphere says 'delightful romp' but the music says 'countdown to murder time' Thenightetc: You said the same thing twice. Thenightetc: ;) Zephra85: I love how Hollywood keeps trying to make Nicholas Cage cool Thenightetc: *leans back* thebestdecepticonleader: Oh this is the second one, right? Zephra85: Like watching Sisyphus and his boulder Thenightetc: ...omg Thenightetc: OH NO I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS Zephra85: I actually don't know anything about this one Thenightetc: I've heard it's hilariously bad Thenightetc: I've seen the original, but not this thebestdecepticonleader: BEEEEES Thenightetc: I mean, uh, I don't mean to make light of the... tragedy? thebestdecepticonleader: That's all I'm going to say Thenightetc: *already working up to some kind of horrible joke about that scene* Thenightetc: So they were from Spookyville thebestdecepticonleader: I'm sad no one did the bee movie with everytime bee is said it's replaced with the BEES from this movie Thenightetc: Oh my god Zephra85: I feel like at least 70% of these streams are just the lot of us trying to come up with clever zingers at the right times Thenightetc: That would be GREAT Thenightetc: Wicker Man but every time they try to be serious it gets faster Thenightetc: bee products Knock Out: Well, that certainly had a point. Thenightetc: It was foreshadowing! Thenightetc: Oh hey it's the kid from the wreck Zephra85: 'We're cops and there's a missing child that's come to our attention but it's not your problem since your ex is involved' Zephra85: like what even Thenightetc: Is it their jurisdiction, though? thebestdecepticonleader: This movie is already a mess Thenightetc: "hey!  Didn't get blow up?" Thenightetc: *didn't you blow up Thenightetc: hahahha Thenightetc: Did that... work? Thenightetc: "Look, when I say they're 'private', I mean they murder outsiders." Zephra85: 'I have money' Zephra85: 'Oh well in that case enjoy your murder' thebestdecepticonleader: What is this accent? Thenightetc: "Uhhhhhhh not a child" Thenightetc: "mating house" :| Zephra85: I thought she said 'meeting house'. Was it 'mating'? Thenightetc: But what's IN the bag? thebestdecepticonleader: I thought maiden Thenightetc: I hope it was meeting house thebestdecepticonleader: as in, un-married women Knock Out: Same difference. Thenightetc: Why do they even have an inn Zephra85: ikr Thenightetc: "It's where we keep victims" thebestdecepticonleader: newsflash: mating/meeting/maiden all mean the same thing.  Good luk figuring out what your boss wants. thebestdecepticonleader: *luck Thenightetc: Called it Knock Out: She should have spit in his whatnot. Zephra85: Official police business involving a missing child BUT LET'S HASH OUT OUR PERSONAL DRAMA FIRST Thenightetc: "why did you leave me" "idk why do anything" thebestdecepticonleader: Romance, ugh Thenightetc: "Yeah, you have to be indoctrinated into this" Zephra85: The brainwashing from birth helps Thenightetc: *heavy sighing* Zephra85: This movie does NOT know how to create an atmosphere Thenightetc: Not at all CaffienatedGlitter: eyyyy CaffienatedGlitter: what'd i miss Knock Out: Half an hour of absolute rubbish. CaffienatedGlitter: ok but what HAPPENED CaffienatedGlitter: did anyone die Thenightetc: Not YET CaffienatedGlitter: also what is this weird and stilted mockery of human conversation Thenightetc: There's a missing kid, he's there "investigating" Thenightetc: Because his ex wrote to him about it CaffienatedGlitter: how does that make sense Zephra85: The only thing that's died is any sense of competent cinematography. Thenightetc: Well, he's a cop Thenightetc: But in another state, so I don't think he's REALLY there AS a cop, per se Thenightetc: it's the bird's desk now

CaffienatedGlitter: ok i just read the plot on wikipedia because screw this movie Zephra85: DON'T TELL ME I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE Thenightetc: he totally doesn't have jurisdiction there CaffienatedGlitter: i won't CaffienatedGlitter: i havent seen it either but i read the wikipedia page anyway because again CaffienatedGlitter: screw this movie CaffienatedGlitter: and it seems like this is some kind of like??? what the heck??? what is with all this religious subtext Thenightetc: "technically undead" Zephra85: She used future tense CaffienatedGlitter: GUYS CaffienatedGlitter: GUYS THIS IS A REMAKE OF THE ORIGINAL MOVIE CaffienatedGlitter: the original was well-liked by critics and audiences. this was probably made to cash in on the popularity Thenightetc: Yyyyyup Thenightetc: she totally has CaffienatedGlitter: wait but the original was made in 1973??? what kind of freaking sense does that make Zephra85: 'YOU *ARE* THE FATHER' Zephra85: Shocking. Thenightetc: Pfffff Thenightetc: How long ago was that engagement, again? CaffienatedGlitter: this movie is way too freaking stiff CaffienatedGlitter: its PAINFUL Thenightetc: well then CaffienatedGlitter: wait what CaffienatedGlitter: knockout what's going on CaffienatedGlitter: status report Knock Out: Everything's fine! Zephra85: Famous last words Knock Out: Just scrapped everything up trying to archive the chat. CaffienatedGlitter: hahaha Zephra85: Ain't it always the way Thenightetc: ...Oh, I thought he was actually going under the dock to check CaffienatedGlitter: every time nicholas cage speaks i am for some reason compelled to kill someone Zephra85: A perfectly natural compulsion. Zephra85: Good thing he's not within his jurisdiction Zephra85: Otherwise he might have needed a warrent for that Thenightetc: Yeah, now he's just some schlub breaking and entering CaffienatedGlitter: so is this like??? demonizing old religions??? but also having a bunch of women who are blatantly mysandrist??? did i miss something important what is this CaffienatedGlitter: like that teacher lady was???? what???? CaffienatedGlitter: I'M JUST AS ANGRY AS YOU NICHOLAS CAGE thebestdecepticonleader: HOW DOES SHE NOT KNOW??? thebestdecepticonleader: Then leave thebestdecepticonleader: again Thenightetc: really Zephra85: Wow thebestdecepticonleader: why??? CaffienatedGlitter: what is this CaffienatedGlitter: i'm so thebestdecepticonleader: It's the newer, worse wicker man CaffienatedGlitter: yeah instead of apple trees it's honey CaffienatedGlitter: SUBTLE FREAKING METAPHOR thebestdecepticonleader: which is saying something because there were a lot of boobs in the first one Thenightetc: and BEES CaffienatedGlitter: RUN NICHOLAS CAGE Knock Out: Just look at him go. CaffienatedGlitter: why is he coughing Zephra85: He's allergic Thenightetc: Allergic reaction CaffienatedGlitter: ooooooh CaffienatedGlitter: he's deadxc Thenightetc: ...It's another dream, right thebestdecepticonleader: Probably Thenightetc: Oh, maybe not CaffienatedGlitter: so the men are servants??? Zephra85: Vague enough CaffienatedGlitter: i'm sorry but the entire concept of this movie is making me confuzzles thebestdecepticonleader: This movie is just????????????? Zephra85: Nothing's really been explained so Nicolas Cage is just as confused as the rest of us thebestdecepticonleader: I feel like that isn't enough question marks thebestdecepticonleader: But I don't want to spam too many CaffienatedGlitter: ???x100,000,000,000 thebestdecepticonleader: Yes CaffienatedGlitter: that batter? CaffienatedGlitter: better? thebestdecepticonleader: Much CaffienatedGlitter: good CaffienatedGlitter: because i am so CaffienatedGlitter: ???x100,000,000,000 Thenightetc: Oh no Zephra85: Did she just CaffienatedGlitter: what is this??? Zephra85: did anybody see that CaffienatedGlitter: do what? Zephra85: She like Zephra85: looked him up and down and licked her lips CaffienatedGlitter: oh my god Thenightetc: Least believable thing in the whole movie so far CaffienatedGlitter: RUN, NICHOLAS CAGE thebestdecepticonleader: No, no, sacrificing isn't murder, really CaffienatedGlitter: OH HO STOP TOUCHING HI M LADY CaffienatedGlitter: oh god exposition time thebestdecepticonleader: celtic OH Thenightetc: *heavy sighing* thebestdecepticonleader: This movie: *hitting people in the face with book* Exposition, exposition, exposition Thenightetc: why this CaffienatedGlitter: is this like, trying to bash feninists CaffienatedGlitter: like???? CaffienatedGlitter: Whattttt?? thebestdecepticonleader: Probably CaffienatedGlitter: same nicholas cage CaffienatedGlitter: i am freaking bepuzzled Thenightetc: No way there's actually a corpse in there Zephra85: Those crazy ancient celtics and their wacky pagan ways amirite? CaffienatedGlitter: sorry i got disconnected what happened Thenightetc: He opened up the grave and there was a SPOOKY DOLL in it CaffienatedGlitter: oh yeah i read it CaffienatedGlitter: frook i keep getting disconnected thebestdecepticonleader: If she's dead, in a grave, calling her name won't help Zephra85: Except the grave was corpse-less thebestdecepticonleader: Still not going to help if she's dead in what looks like catacombs though Zephra85: Why does this movie want Nicolas Cage to get wet so badly Thenightetc: he sure likes going swimming! Thenightetc: PFF CaffienatedGlitter: WHAT IS MY LIFE thebestdecepticonleader: Nic Cage you genius Thenightetc: How's he going to get out of THIS mess! Zephra85: With his charm and his sparkling personality as always Thenightetc: Oh, that's just mean. CaffienatedGlitter: MORE FEVER DREAMS thebestdecepticonleader: Ew Thenightetc: Hate it when my coworkers explode into bees thebestdecepticonleader: Relatable Thenightetc: ew it's all wet though Zephra85: Ew don't hold that up to your mouth Zephra85: It's been in dirty catacomb water for god knows how long thebestdecepticonleader: It's underwater dude, she was down there, she drowned Thenightetc: ew don't kiss her Zephra85: They said she likes to swim though Zephra85: if she was a good swimmer she might have managed thebestdecepticonleader: In catacombs? Thenightetc: er thebestdecepticonleader: That were shut after her Thenightetc: dude Zephra85: Anything is possible with the power of sh*tty writing Thenightetc: BEE DRESS thebestdecepticonleader: Disturbing Thenightetc: pfffff Zephra85: This movie is is trying to hard to be creepy but it's just coming of disjointed and weird thebestdecepticonleader: Yeah thebestdecepticonleader: At least the original had the unnerving boob scenes Thenightetc: ...yikes Zephra85: That was called-for Thenightetc: lol bee costumes CaffienatedGlitter: yeah i'm goin bye bye Zephra85: Bye! Thenightetc: bye! CaffienatedGlitter: i'm not staying for the whole giant burning fricking Knock Out: Sensible choice. CaffienatedGlitter: bye everyoneeee thebestdecepticonleader: Bye Zephra85: It's good to know your limits CaffienatedGlitter: cheer on the death of nicholas cage CaffienatedGlitter: for me CaffienatedGlitter: yes CaffienatedGlitter: goodbye!!! Thenightetc: They do just sort of utterly fail to establish any kind of sympathy or anything for him CaffienatedGlitter: yes CaffienatedGlitter: ehehehe CaffienatedGlitter: bye thebestdecepticonleader: Oh good masks, now the facebling people can tell just as much as normal people about who's who thebestdecepticonleader: <- faceblind Zephra85: Idk man I'd be pretty freaked out being carried off by a complete stranger into the woods in a bear costume Zephra85: She's handling this awfully well Thenightetc: Yeah, weird, isn't it? thebestdecepticonleader: Yeah, but she'll probably be less dead Zephra85: Although if *I* had to choose between certain death/being alone in the woods with Nicolas Cage I'd be a little torn. Thenightetc: pfffff thebestdecepticonleader: But he's supposed to be a virgin Thenightetc: ...Oh hey, yeah thebestdecepticonleader: That was how it worked in the original thebestdecepticonleader: If he has a daughter, he's definitely not a virgin Thenightetc: Like he has enough bullets for every...welp! Zephra85: So much for THAT plan thebestdecepticonleader: I would have shot the old crone anyway thebestdecepticonleader: Or myself Thenightetc: He didn't have any bullets Knock Out: Did they cut out the bees? thebestdecepticonleader: Oh... right Thenightetc: I think the bees are... coming up Zephra85: 'Here ya go honey go light your father on fire' thebestdecepticonleader: Honey, lol Zephra85: HAA Thenightetc: ikr Thenightetc: ...They did cut out the bees? Thenightetc: the heck Knock Out: We'll look it up. thebestdecepticonleader: yeah thebestdecepticonleader: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1GadTfGFvU Zephra85: .... Is that James Franco thebestdecepticonleader: I think so Zephra85: So the cycle begins again with another cringey actor Zephra85: Yeah what was this scene everyone kept talking about Thenightetc: ....wow thebestdecepticonleader: yes Zephra85: Was it a deleted scene or something Thenightetc: he died as he lived Thenightetc: covered in bees Thenightetc: Oh my god thebestdecepticonleader: I don't know honestly I think it was the extended cut Zephra85: ahh Thenightetc: Wow Zephra85: Oh god this is incredible thebestdecepticonleader: It would have been better like this honestly Thenightetc: AND BEES. Zephra85: I'm absolutely dying here Knock Out: Isn't it majestic? thebestdecepticonleader: Would have been better as a comedy Thenightetc: It kinda WAS a comedy thebestdecepticonleader: True, but it tried to be serious Zephra85: Yeah it probably would have actually worked as a satire of horror tropes thebestdecepticonleader: :( Zephra85: Does Doctor Bees die and come back every episode Knock Out: That he does. thebestdecepticonleader: Apparently Knock Out: And that's all I've got! Thenightetc: And what a beeautiful time it was Knock Out: Hah! Thenightetc: :) Zephra85: Well that was certainly an experience Thenightetc: *snickering* Zephra85: PSH Knock Out: Thank you all for dropping in! Have a glorious, bee-filled evening! thebestdecepticonleader: Thanks for the stream :) Zephra85: Thanks for the stream, Knock Out! Knock Out: That was not supposed to be in italics, but it's better for them. Knock Out: Anytime! Thenightetc: Thanks!  This was, honestly, amazing Zephra85: Glad I could come to this one, say high to Breakdown and Impact for me! Knock Out: Will do!