#not a trauma professional! but a useful tool if you can't afford professional help

[queerpontmercy]

i am once again encouraging people to use woebot instead of betterhelp (my parasocial nemesis).

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for csa, nightmares and flashbacks, csa detail

I just wanna vent

Last night I had a horrible nightmare of getting raped. It lasted for a long time and I'm still shaken from it. It brought back many flashbacks when I woke up. Idk why but even tho it was my mom who sa me, whenever I have a nightmare of sa (which happens a lot) my mom is never the rapist? Like its either my dad or a random person. Which is weird cuz my dad never sa'ed me. Sure he did constantly commented on my body ("your ass is growing, you're growing up!") Which make me feel uncomfortable. And one time he peeked through the toilet when i was using it to see if im on my phone, which was also weird but like he ddint mean to be inapp he just wanted to make sure i wasnt on my phone. But he never really did anything physical. Anyways the nightmare brought back shitty memories. I can still feel her lips and hands on me. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself, I feel like im dirty and gross for it. Ik it's not my fault but I just can't help feeling ashamed. My mom doesn't sa me anymore but she kinda does like.lower forms of it. Like slapping my ass or touching it, but that's normal right? I mean, I don't think she really means it in an inappropriate way, like she might just think it's a cute way of showing affection. My family is really physically affectionate after all, even my dad do that. Idk man I just feel so weird rn. I feel like I wanna get away from my body, like I don't belong in this thing. I wanna rip my skin off just to feel like she's never touched me. I wish she never did this to me, I wish we were a perfect family like how other ppl think we are. Worst part is they act so nice, they're good parents. It's just when I think of my childhood it's pretty messed up. I just keep trying to push down these feelings and ignore them so I can live in this fantasy of having perfect parents, but lately it's been becoming harder to do it. Thanks for listening, I hope u guys have a great day <3

- 💛

Hi 💛,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through, as well as the dream you had. While you said your dad didn't outright SA you like your mom did, it sounds like he's still made inappropriate comments towards you and touches your butt. Please know that these things are unacceptable and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

It can be confusing when we dream of scenarios that are a bit different from our actual trauma, and it's natural to wonder why these details are changed in the dream. Sometimes our brains experiment with different dynamics to see how that changes the situation. Because for example there is quite a big difference between being raped by a stranger and being raped by your mom, and perhaps entertaining the idea of it being a stranger is a way to navigate and understand the dynamic between you and your mom. But sometimes its more symbolic or metaphorical. For example, if you dream about your dad being the perpetrator, perhaps it could symbolize the ways he makes you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Especially with trauma, it's natural for dreams to be a way to process and make sense of your experiences.

While it's okay for families to be physically affectionate, it must come with a certain level of care and respect for others' boundaries, which sounds absent in your family dynamic. It sounds like your family crosses physical and sexual boundaries under the guise of "normal" affection. Normalizing this behavior is what enables the abuse to continue. Please know that your body is yours and you deserve the right to say who can or cannot interact with it.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can best help you process your trauma, the dreams you've been having, and equip you with useful coping tools that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[asynca]

My partner is very very very very insecure. I've been trying to communicate with them about a lot of things but they always blame themself even if no one is at fault. I even tried talking to them about this but it didn't work. They're constantly stressing over making me happy and it's exhausting but I do love them very very much and I show it all the time. How can I make them feel better? How can I tell them I physically/emotionally can't spend all day every day with them?

Well, the first thing you need to accept is that your partner’s insecurity is clearly pathological (and probably fueled by an illness like trauma or depression). Given that, for your own health, before you can try and cheer them up you need to accept two things: 

You may not be able to cheer them up

It actually isn’t your job to cheer them up: it’s their own job. 

You may not be able to cheer them up. 

You’re not a mental health professional, and pathological insecurity and illness is actually very hard to treat. You can only treat it if the person firstly acknowledges their behaviour is illogical and ill, and then also genuinely engages with the therapy. As a professional, I still struggle to help some people and feel very helpless at times!

Because of this, accept that in trying to cheer them up, you may fail. You may fail not because you’re somehow deficient, or hopeless, or because you’re a bad partner: you may fail because your partner has a very ingrained set of behaviours about how they relate to themselves and trying to pull them out of that cycle is fucking hard. 

I can tell from your ask that you already feel like your inability to help them is partially your fault. It’s not. You’re doing the best you can, but trying to superficially cheer someone up when they are ill is like using an ordinary umbrella in a monsoon: it’s a nice idea, but it’s the wrong tool for the job. 

What they really need is therapy from someone who is qualified and experienced in pulling them out of their self-hate spiral. They may also need medication. Essentially: professional help is needed. 

It actually isn’t your job to cheer them up

It’s super easy to feel responsible for your partner’s mental health. Unless you are genuinely the cause of their poor mental health (ie, your behaviour is toxic and/or abusive, etc), you’re not responsible.

The only person who is responsible for their mental health and good mental health habits is your partner. 

This means if you try to cheer them up and fail to: not your fault. If you can’t make them feel better about themselves: not your fault. If you try and try and try and try and still aren’t able to ‘fix’ them: not your fault. That doesn’t mean you should stop trying where appropriate to, but it does mean that you need to take that burden of ‘cheering my partner up’ from your shoulders and set it down. 

If your partner is ill, if your partner has pathologically low self-esteem, if your partner has bad habits that harm their mental health: it’s 100% ONLY their responsibility to sort out. THEY need to seek therapy. THEY need to take responsibility for their illness and get help. You can’t force them to do this, they need to take the initiative and be responsible for their recovery. If they choose not to do that (for whatever reason), you can’t feel responsible for it. That’s their choice to not recover. For your own mental health, you should stop giving your time and energy to cure someone of something they have no commitment to curing themselves. 

You’ve already said you’re exhausted: dude, you’re throwing your energy into a black hole if they’re not actively taking tangible steps to recover. 

You’re not a bad, unloving partner if you pull back and say, “I can’t keep trying to cheer you up when you’re not taking steps to cheer yourself up, it’s exhausting me and not achieving anything.” Actually, that sometimes may be the push they need to get help.

If it’s not, and if they try to unload the responsibility for their mental health onto you (”You never try to cheer me up!”/”I’ll commit suicide if you leave me!”/”I guess you don’t care about me after all…”) gently remind them that you love them, but that you’re not the right person to help them right now, even if you wish you could. 

HAVING SAID ALL THAT, what works to cheer people up?

There isn’t really a one size fits all for making someone feel better, but there certainly are things that land well. 

Little gestures that remind them how much you love and value them. Write a letter about the first time you knew you’d fallen for them. Draw them silly little amateur doodles of the things you’ll get up to next holiday. Send them a message randomly in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking of them. Even if you’re not crafty, spend some time making something for them. It can be something heartfelt, but something silly is equally as impactful. Leave a chocolate they like on their desk. Put their stuffed toys into the shape of a heart on the bed. Search the web for awesome fanart of their fave they might not have seen yet. It’s something that lets your partner know you spent time thinking of them. 

Little gestures that remind your partner how well you know them. Do they REALLY like your mac and cheese? When they’re down in the dumps, why not slap a bowl of it in front of them. Turn their bed down the way they love it. If you can, buy that thing they’ve been looking at, even if they can afford to buy it themselves. If they always wake up for work at a particular time, have their coffee ready for them as they wander bleary-eyed into the kitchen. 

Give them your undivided, complete attention for an evening. If you’re always busy, there’s nothing more meaningful that putting all that stuff away and sitting down with them. Phones and electronics away (unless you’re using them to pay attention to your partner!). Touch them. Hug them. Watch something with them if that’s what they enjoy. If they’re long-distance, watch a movie together on rab.it or lie down in bed and just voice them for hours. Nothing feels more loving than that. 

However, please do keep in mind that you can’t do these things constantly forever. You can’t give someone your undivided attention constantly, and you’re not required to. If you feel like you’re constantly doing the above things but it seems to be like throwing water into a bottomless well - it isn’t you that your partner needs to feel better, it’s therapy and taking responsibility for their own mental health. 

[mentalillnessmouse]

hey, i feel like ive lost all my compassion the more time goes by. i had a traumatic incident where i didn't fight back and now it's like i want to fight all the time. i keep trying to push myself to be pragmatic and help people again (which i stopped doing after helping my abuser) but it never works out well and i feel like it's all worthless. im growing so bitter and i feel like my girlfriend is going to leave me because she can't stand my negativity. i used to love my kindness. what do i do

Abuse

hey anon,

i would highly recommend that you seek professional treatment. it can be so hard to return to the Before State of Being once you’ve experienced trauma. you have to allow yourself time to heal and also have patience with the process. often we find with recovering from trauma that there is usually a need for professional assistance along your healing journey. patience and time are your best tools that a professional provider can help you equip to your toolbox. additionally due to the impact this is having on your relationship, i would suggest that you and your girlfriend consult a couple’s counseling outside of the counselor you’ll wait to get for yourself.

anon, you were hurt. you are still a kind person, but you have also been left changed and traumatized by your situation and abuser. you must reclaim yourself so you can heal. you won’t be able to return to the person you were, but you can shift towards being a person who survived, who made it, and who will keep on living and gaining new experiences.

Getting and talking to a therapist

This post on picking a therapist has some great tips.

This is a step by step on getting a therapist.

Psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counsellor?

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Need to find a therapist by location? Psychologytoday lets you search by city or zip code in the USA, Canada, or UK.

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Here is a video Demonstrating what a first therapy session may look like made by a mental health professional.

7 things to do during your first therapy appointment

Telling others about our mental health

This post on telling someone about your mental health problem has some great tips and advice.

This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself.

Talk about Mental Health

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Abuse and trauma

Help Guide A site containing articles, help numbers, “tool kits”, and self help on abuse.

Help Guide A site containing articles to help understand, help numbers,  “tool kits”, and self help on PTSD and trauma

Mental Support Community A forum to talk about any form of abuse and how it affected you.

Mental Help A site that has basic information, resources, articles, and a list of books that might be helpful.

What is emotional abuse? explores what emotional abuse is.

Domestic abuse is a collection of a few different posts that might help.

Coping with flashbacks

Caring for yourself

Psychological abuse

Therapy for abuse victims

Tons of abuse information and coping links

stay safe, stay strong,

maya