#none of you people should have any power or influence over anyone vulnerable at all

[slimyenemy]

you really do just get more and more abusive every single day.

[ouidamforeman]

Okay if you hope Neil dies then stop giving him money, stop giving him indirect revenue by keeping his fandom alive. Say it with your whole chest or don’t say it at all

Fandom is not an advertisement and I haven’t paid for anything that goes to him for years 😌 Pretending all fandom is “indirect revenue” to anyone who created a piece of media whether it’s a writer or anything else is disingenuous and performative and trying to control others to your arbitrary moral standards. You are not only reducing fandom to consumerism but dismissing many other people’s work as well. Pretending that something this indirect is causing harm is performative when people do things and Actually spend money on things that do real direct harm. I’m also suspicious of this attitude of “cut all monetary flow to bad people” because well while celebrities absolutely don’t need that money and can often use it for harm, “someone did a Bad and therefore they should not be paid” is a bit iffy to me. The degree to which money is power in these situations is subjective and I know it’s uncomfortable but whether one’s money is going somewhere it’s doing harm or not is your individual decision to make. I’m not even spending money on NG myself and im skeptical of what practical good “no more money” would do in this case. It’s largely symbolic. There are ways to cull a bad person’s influence that aren’t harassing random fans of work that was never even solely made by this guy on social media. I and others are perfectly capable of enjoying a novel or tv show while cutting support and acceptance of a writer. Discussion of this and not letting the issue be swept away is how we do this, not nebulous “you’re symbolically supporting a bad evil guy!!”. He did harm with his power and influence which we can prevent without being reactionary and acting like a work of art or adaptation are synonymous with the person who made them (and never made alone, even!!!) Pretending this man is a sole auteur of good omens or whatever the fuck else is giving him power he doesn’t deserve, and causing wanton destruction because you feel powerless to stop harm that’s already happened is unbelievably foolish. Genuinely go outside and think about what good you can actually do instead of harassing people who are not even supporting the guy materially in any way and are in fact committed to finding ways of keeping him away from vulnerable people in fan spaces and calling for him to be removed from productions so everyone else’s work can be honored without more needless destruction, you know, something materially practical that isn’t moral posturing. You have literally made up that I am funneling money to this guy when I am not, and you know what? If he gets paid for work he did I don’t really care. I care about stopping the influence he had over people. I don’t think “something you did could possibly be construed as an advertisement for something he contributed to!!!!” and “Make absolutely sure none of your money is in any way even indirectly going to the bad evil person!” are the way to do any of this.

Also like fuck Terry Pratchett I guess, there’s no way one of his best works deserves to go in the trash because the co writer is a shit guy. Different people are going to deal with this in different ways. We all just want to prevent harm and people WILL disagree on what the best way to do that is. I think it’s getting him to step down from these media projects and not be involved in spaces where he can exert influence anymore. You may disagree, but do Not pretend you are ostensibly in the only moral right just because it looks good to you to say fake activist soundbites like this in random financially powerless fans’ inboxes. I keep joking that i hope he dies because i actually am mad and want him to stop! I’m doing what my moral compass says is ok. And that’s all I’ll say on the matter. Go do something kind instead of trying to control others

[autumnslance]

Which Chess Piece Are You?

Tagged by @ainyan

Quiz is HERE; have at it if you wish!

AERYN STRIKER & DARK AUTUMN pawn pawns are often the most influential pieces on the board, usually because they’re so underestimated. in the same way that the vote of one person can determine the outcome of an election, so can the actions of a single pawn decide the course of the game. the pawn is the voice in the crowd who shouts down a dictator, the broken bottle that starts a rebellion. like revolutions, they don’t move backwards. like kings, pawns are capable of seeing the bigger picture. unlike kings, they are willing to make personal sacrifices to achieve it. the pawn believes in something greater than themselves, whether that’s a friendship or a political idea. their faith can be vulnerable to manipulation, and pawns can often find themselves taken advantage of to serve others’ ends. yet woe betide anyone who takes them for granted – they have no idea how much power a pawn is truly capable of.

C'ORETTA KHELL knight knights are easily the most creative pieces on the board, able to move in unique ways and get to places no other pieces can go. they’re complex, fiddly, cocky little shits who leap over any obstacles in their path and laugh while doing so. knights are useful for creating difficult situations, or tangling players up in problems of their own causing. they’re incredibly difficult to pin down, and are just as likely to get you in the shit than out of it. knights as individuals are unique and creative thinkers, able to think up solutions and ideas that would escape others. witty and charismatic, they are the light of every social gathering, the one friend who always has a ridiculous story to tell. forever going boldly where none have gone before, they do so at their own risk – for overconfidence is the peril of the knight, and though they’re constantly overleaping, they should be wary of jumping too high.

IYNA CAULD bishop sneaky sneaky bishop. bishops appear unassuming, a more subtle version of their rookish counterparts. but then, just at the moment you’ve forgotten they exist, they come zooming across the board to wreak all hell and havoc. strategy is everything when it comes to the bishop, and when placed in the right position they can be deadly. they’re the poison in the wine, the dagger in the mattress. the propaganda in the marvel movie. bishops are first and foremost logicians. they consider the world in terms of facts and figures that can be manipulated to their benefit. intelligent and ambitious, the bishop can be ruthless in getting what they want, with the result that people get hurt in the process. however, they can also be excellent diplomats, able to build relationships and influence events in subtle but undeniable ways. as a friend, the bishop is an indispensible ally. as an enemy, well. bitches get stitches.

[aspoonofsugar]

Ironwood and Cinder: The Final Word

Cinder: And that’s… checkmate.

The Final Word of the volume is Cinder’s and it is meaningful she says it to Ironwood.

As a matter of fact Ironwood and Cinder are two sides of the same coin on many levels. This is conveyed also structurally.

Volume 7 is mostly about Ironwood’s tragic spiral. We are shown him struggle with his flaw throughout the whole volume, but in the end he loses to it and becomes just as dangerous as Salem:

Oscar: Then you're as dangerous as she is, James.

Not only does volume 8 close with Cinder instead, but it also opens with her:

And it even gives us her backstory:

Why does it happen? And why is Cinder’s final line so important when it comes to her foiling with Ironwood?

GRAVITY

It is not by chance that Watts calls both Ironwood and Cinder out before the climax of respectively volume 7 (Ironwood) and volume 8 (Cinder). This is because, as stated above, volume 7 is Ironwood’s volume, while volume 8 is Cinder’s. So they both are confronted with a truth about themselves and their reaction to it influences their stories in the Atlas arc.

In a sense, even if Watts is the one dangerously hanging over an abyss... it is actually Ironwood and Cinder who are on the brink. They are deciding Watts’s survival, but they are also deciding their own destiny.

They are choosing if to fall because of gravity or if to fly in the sky victorious.

At the same time, the two scenes with Watts show how Cinder and Ironwood are both similar and opposites.

AS ABOVE, SO BELOW

Ironwood and Cinder are nothing, but two products of Atlas’s society.

Ironwood was born at the very top:

Watts: You just stood atop it and called yourself a giant!

Cinder existed at the very bottom:

Watts: You think you're entitled to everything just because you've suffered, but suffering isn't enough! You can't just be strong, you have to be smart! You can't just be deserving, you have to be worthy! But all you have ever been, is a BLOODY MIGRAINE!

Watts is in the middle and he represents the worst traits of both.

He wants everything, just like Cinder:

Ironwood: I gave you everything you could have wanted!

But differently from Cinder it was no true he had nothing. He was successful, had food, clothes and respect. Still, he was never satisfied and ended up disgracing himself in the search of something more.

He also disregards feelings in favor of rationality, just like Ironwood:

Watts: Our tin soldier’s heart has cost him his mind.

And he sees people under him as inherently inferior:

Watts: Yes, yes, please keep your posse in check.

This is why his death is fitting:

Cinder: I merely added more flames to the fires of Atlas.

He burns with Atlas aka the city he wants to destroy, but also a symbol of who he is deep down.

What is more, his death happens specifically because he blindly follows his wishes:

Watts: Oh, believe me, this is everything I've ever wanted.

And because he is outsmarted and manipulated by Cinder:

Cinder: You deserve this, Arthur. We'll be back.

He is proud of his genius and rationality, but in the end he dies because of his feelings of pettiness.

In short, Watts, Cinder and Ironwood represent three social classes of Atlas and how the system corrupts people at every level. In general, all three want to be at the very top, but disreguard and mistreat the ones below.

-This is why Ironwood seeks control even in situations where he is not in charge, like the Vytal Festival. He also challenges Ozpin’s authority and leadership because he is not used not to be the one deciding. At the same time, he is shown ready to discard Mantle in multiple occasions.

-This is why Watts can call out Ironwood’s arrogance without seeing he is exactly the same as him.

-Finally, this is why Cinder lashes out at people she sees as Atlas elites (the Schnees, Ironwood, Watts), but treats those below her just like she was treated:

Emerald: We don't need him! Everything was going fine! (a slap is heard, and she cries out in pain)

Cinder: Do not mistake your place.

Mercury: Oh yeah? Tell that to--

Cinder: Quiet.

THE ENEMIES OF TRUST

Both Ironwood and Cinder’s left arms are artificial. Ironwood’s is mechanical, while Cinder’s is Grimm.

Their respective arms convey opposite approaches to things.

On a more general level, they are respectively linked to Creation (Ironwood’s mechanical arm) and to Destruction (Cinder’s Grimm arm). As a matter of fact a robotic arm is a human creation, while Grimms are nothing, but the symbol of destruction.

On a personal level, their arms hint at the two characters’ opposite personalities.

Ironwood’s arm can’t feel pain.

Cinder’s is instead linked to pain and feelings in different ways:

Raven: Aura can't protect your arm, it's Grimm.

Salem: You chose to disobey my specific instructions just to fail again.

Cinder: She’s back…

Cinder feels great pain whenever her Shadow Hand is cut because she can’t protect it with aura. At the same time, it is used by Salem to torture her. Finally, it links her to Salem to the point that she knows when her Master is back.

In other words, Cinder’s arm lets her feel more, while Ironwood’s lets him feel less.

This difference is mirrored by both the ways Ironwood and Cinder respectively attack Watts and by their semblances:

Ironwood’s Mettle lets Ironwood suppress his own feelings, so that he can pursue any objective, no matter how cruel or immoral it is. It makes him “superhuman”, but in a very negative sense.

Cinder’s Scorching Caress represents Cinder’s explosive emotions. It is a form of self-expression, which is both destructive and self-destructive.

Ironwood’s semblance is about repression, while Cinder’s is about lashing out.

Similarly, Ironwood goes after Watts at the cost of his arm and he ignores the pain he feels:

Watts: I wouldn't do that if I were you. I mean, unless you're hoping to add more metal to that body of yours.

Cinder instead goes after Watts to vent her anger:

Cinder: What do you mean, she'll destroy herself? How am I supposed to take her power if she's dead?!

Both are extremes and both are wrong, as Winter explains:

Winter: But yes Penny, we must still acknowledge our personal feelings, wrestle with them. It ensures us that we’re on the right path. It’s what makes us human.

Ironwood and Cinder should aknowledge their own feelings not to be consumed by them.  It is also the only way for them to truly be humans, not machines or monsters, but simply people.

Both characters almost succeed just before the climax of their respective volumes.

Ironwood tries to open up to others:

And Cinder shows vulnerability:

However, none of them is able to capitalize on this chance for development. This is ironically because of each other:

Cinder messes with Ironwood’s insecurities, while Ironwood’s ultimatum gives Cinder the perfect chance to ignore hers.

The result is that Ironwood goes back to control, while Cinder goes back to manipulation. Both do so because they are unable to trust.

Interestingly, they take after their respective mentors in this.

Ironwood takes after Ozpin:

Ironwood: Did you really think you were the only one who got to work on a new plan after Beacon? WIth Ozpin gone, I needed my own team of people I could trust.

Oscar: General? Earlier, you asked for my advice.

Ironwood: I wanted Ozpin's advice.

Oscar: And his advice probably would've been to keep your secrets.

Cinder takes after Salem:

Salem: When I chose you as my vessel for the Maidens, I put my trust in you. So, I trust that you wouldn’t possibly return to me empty-handed.

Ironwood’s whole struggle in volume 7 is his search for a “new approach”. He wants to be like Ozpin, but better. This is why he founds his own group, but wants to trust the world with the truth about Salem. However, he confuses trust with control.

Cinder instead wants to become just like Salem and suffers when she sees she is not. This is why she collects assets, just like her master. This is also why she does not trust anyone, but manipulates others.

That said, what is the difference between Ironwood’s control and Cinder’s manipulation? It has once again to do with feelings.

Ironwood’s attempt to manipulate others is about suppressing feelings. He uses Atlas’s military hierarchy and social structures to ask for his subordinates’ blind loyalty.

Cinder’s method to control people lies instead in making use of others’ feelings. She uses both wishes and fears to her advantage.

In short, control and manipulation are nothing, but the same inability to trust declined in opposite ways. They are both “enemies of trust”.

This is why both Ironwood and Cinder find a strong enemy and a foil in the character, who embodies friendship in these volumes:

Deep down, Ironwood and Cinder not trusting others is because they fear betrayal:

Cinder: I won’t have to run now.

Rhodes: That’s all you’ll ever do.

Ironwood: I've chased a lot of shadows over the years, always expecting betrayal. But never once did I think it would ever come from you.

However, Penny too is betrayed and mistreated by others:

Penny: I do not like it when friends fight.

Ruby: I know. Yang and I may not agree on how best to save Mantle but-

Penny: No. I mean Winter. The general. They were our friends. But then the Ace Ops attacked you. And the general, he said people were going to die, because of me.

 However, she does not give up on the ideal of a genuine bond:

Attached but not By strings

Still, if Penny is a positive foil to both Ironwood and Cinder, why does she die?

RISK

Weiss: Trust is a risk.  

Yang: Ruby, they’re not called sure things, they’re called risks.

These two lines taken together are why at the end of volume 8 Penny dies, our heroes fall and the manipulative Cinder wins.

It happens to show the main theme of the two Atlas volumes. Trust is not a “sure thing”. It is a risk and it does not always work. Still, it is necessary to trust as it is necessary to take risks:

Yang: You were being optimistic. Look, blind optimism isn’t great, but no optimism means we already lost. We need hope. We need to take risks.

Giving up on trust and risks means giving up on hope. It means to give in to fear.

Still, this does not mean your trust will always be paid back. And it does not mean that the risks you take will always work, even if you come up with a wonderful plan:

Cinder: I knew your plan would be bold, but I never could have predicted all of this...

Sometimes people will betray you:

Sometimes your risk will end up in a fall:

However, it is still worth to trust, even when you have no guarantee it will work:

And sometimes It is even worth to risk the fall because it may lead to people being saved:

This same idea is conveyed also through Penny’s final choice:

Penny: Trust me.

Winter: Thank you for trusting me with this.

Penny dies tragically, but she still manages to pass the Maiden’s power to a person she trusts.

This is especially meaningful because the Winter Maiden power, just like Penny herself, has been subjected to both control and manipulation.

Ironwood does all he can to make sure the power ends up to Winter. At the same time, he is the one most responsible for Penny feeling as nothing, but a robot:

Ironwood: As the official report stated, that footage was doctored. Penny is completely under my control.

Cinder tries to steal the power three times. She also manipulates Penny’s feelings towards her friends:

Cinder: I was hoping your friends would be here. But it looks like they left you to do all the work. You’re just a tool to be used!

In the end, Ironwood treating Penny as a machine (control) and Cinder using Penny’s love for her friends against her (manipulation) are among the psychological factors that lead Penny to be mortally wounded by Cinder.

Still, while dying Penny negates both Ironwood and Cinder and frees the power and herself from both control and manipulation.

The fact she chooses Winter works well to illustrate this.

Winter is the person Ironwood wants as the next Maiden. However, Winter becomes a Maiden not because of Ironwood’s control, but because of Penny’s trust:

Ironwood: So… the destiny I chose for you has arrived.

Winter: You chose nothing. This...was a gift.

Winter is a Schnee, so she represents both what Cinder hates and what she herself wants to be:

Cinder to Winter: You Atlas elites are all the same! You think hoarding power means you’ll have it forever, but it just makes the rest of us hungrier.

Winter is a symbol of Atlas and so she is a reminder to Cinder that Atlas is not really destroyed:

Robyn: What do you think a kingdom is? The people, or just the chunk of land they live on?

Just like Cinder’s past isn’t.

WORTHY

Cinder wants to be worthy. Ironwood wants to be a hero.

Deep down, Ironwood and Cinder want the same thing. They want to be above others. They want to be more than humans.

However, they go at it in opposite ways:

Ironwood: I have sacrificed everything!

Cinder: I want it all...

Ironwood thinks that victory lies in sacrificing everything, while Cinder sees it as taking it all.

These opposite viewpoints mirror their respective social stances.

Ironwood can say he wants to sacrifice everything because he has everything.

Cinder thinks happiness lies in everything because she has nothing:

Cinder: You’re right. Without you I am nothing. But because of you, I am everything.

In the end, Ironwood and Cinder are each other’s true enemies, but they fail to see it and lash out against the wrong people:

Ironwood and Cinder’s respective fight against Winter and Weiss is exactly this.

Ironwood fights a Maiden he sees as an enemy of Atlas, while another Maiden is attacking the people he swore to protect.

Cinder lashes out at Weiss because of her origins, while Weiss has decided to leave her status and money behind to make the right thing.

Still, Ironwood and Cinder are too hypocritical to see the truth. This is why they attack people, who could have helped them, if they were given the chance.

This is also why they receive a warning:

Winter: No, you have sacrificed everyone else!

Winter: You… are going to pay… for everything you’ve done!

Ironwood claims he is ready to sacrifice everything. However, he never sacrifices himself:

In the end, he is unable to sacrifice his life to fight Salem.

Let’s highlight he has nothing to lose by this point. He is falling with Atlas anyway. In his final moments, he is given the chance to prove true to his words:

I would die Without regret, I’d offer up my life With zero reservations I would fly Into the sun If that would keep our dream alive

Instead, he gives up. He has been shooting his allies until the very end, but freezes in front of his enemy.

Cinder thinks she is closer to her final victory, but in the end she has accomplished nothing of what she truly wants.

She wants to kill RWBY, but they are alive. She wants the Maiden powers, but she fails.

At the same time, Cinder is still far away from what she truly needs:

Cinder: You have everything you need?

Watts: Oh, believe me, this is everything I've ever wanted.

She is given a perfect mirror of herself in Watts. Still, instead of seeing it, Cinder uses his flaw, which is her same flaw, to kill him. Watts’ wants lead to his death and the same thing might happen to Cinder if she does not stop herself in time.

Finally, there is this:

Salem: This game is not yours to win, Cinder, it’s mine. Just because you’re more valuable to me than a pawn, does not make you a player. Everything is already in motion. All you need concern yourself with is your ability to act when I tell you to.

Ironwood and Cinder share a chess motif.

Ironwood thinks of himself as a player and specifically as Salem’s opponent.

Cinder is instead told she is no player.

However, in the end, Ironwood becomes a mere pawn to the point that all Watts has to do is to open his cell to be sure he is going to unwillingly aid in Cinder’s plan.

What is more, he is so fixated on Salem that he fails to aknowledge the people below him. This is why his true opponent is a slave that Atlas exploited.

Cinder frames herself as a player instead. She is the one who truly makes the first move against Ironwood and ultimately she is the one who defeats both him and our protagonists. Finally, she is the one who calls checkmate.

Still, is she really playing her own game?

In the end, the one who gets what she wants is not Cinder, but Salem:

And all she has to do to obtain it is one small move:

Salem: And I’ve realized, it’s all my fault. You’ve fought your whole life unwaveringly for what you want and here I am holding you back instead of lifting you up.

While Cinder is once again letting her talent be exploited by those above her. She is choosing to be Salem’s Queen instead than a player of her own life.

She is the Black Queen defeating the White King, but nothing more.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Rest, Now

Prompt: I absolutely love your protective knights/protective Arthur works. Would you write your take on the aftermath of the Lamia episode? I'd love to see Arthur's reaction once he finds out what happened to Merlin. Bonus points for protective Gwen as well, and them knowing about Merlin's magic.

Ah yes, love this prompt. Protecc™ the Merlin pls

Read on Ao3

Warnings: none, just a sad Merlin

Pairings: gwen/merlin/arthur

Word Count: 2096

The second he sees the walls of Camelot, Merlin slumps in the saddle. Cara nickers in warning and he just manages to right himself before Arthur looks over.

“Are you sure you don’t need to be cured too?”

Merlin suppresses a shudder and shakes his head. Arthur gives him a once-over before turning back around. Gaius gives him a look.

“I’m fine,” he mutters, “just ready to get back home.”

“You and me both, Merlin.”

“Merlin?” Gwen reaches over to touch his arm, stopping when he flinches. “Whoa, Merlin, are you alright?”

“Yes, fine, just—“ he shakes his head— “little jumpy.”

He sees Gwen’s mouth harden a little as she shoots a glance at Elyan. She nods. Camelot’s door can’t close behind them soon enough.

The knights dismount first, each patting their horse as they lead them to the stables. Gwaine looks over his shoulder and reaches for Merlin. Merlin manages to hold still as Gwaine takes his arm.

“Are you sure you’re alright,” he asks in the soft voice normally reserved for dark nights when Gaius is out and Arthur is crueler, “do you need anything?”

Merlin shakes his head.

“Will you tell me if you do?”

He nods. It seems to satisfy Gwaine but not Elyan, who narrows his eyes.

“When was the last time you got looked at? Did Gaius check you out too?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” Is that Percival too? “You look like you’re about to fall over.”

There are too many of them. Too many. They could be hurt. They could still be susceptible to magical influences. Merlin’s magic could—he could—they’re still vulnerable.

They could still hurt him. He could—she could still have some hold on them. It wouldn’t be the first time Gaius’s magical knowledge has failed them.

“Enough!”

Gwen? Is that Gwen?

“You’re hounding him,” she scolds, pushing through the tangle of knights to put her arm protectively around Merlin’s shoulders, “knock it off. You’ve all had a rough go of it recently so go rest and let Merlin do the same.”

As Merlin watches the knights shuffle like scolded puppies, despite everything a corner of his mouth tugs up in a slight smile. Never let it be said that Gwen can’t make people do what she likes.

The only one standing in between him, Gwen, and getting as far away from here as possible is Leon. He looks at Merlin, splits him in two, peers into the very being of his soul. Then his eyes soften almost imperceptibly and he bows.

“My Lady,” he says, “Merlin. May you rest well.”

Thank you, Leon.

By the time Merlin’s shepherded away from the knights under Gwen’s wing, he looks up to realize that Arthur’s gone. A rush of worry slaps him in the chest.

“Shh,” Gwen whispers as she guides him through the halls, “we’re almost there. It’s alright.”

Arthur turns when they push open the door to the massive chambers, already out of his armor—how long was Merlin down there?—and coming around the table to take Gwen into a hug. Right. Merlin gives himself a shake and starts moving to get their food, do his chores.

Only to be thwarted by a strong arm wrapping around his waist and pulling him into a shoulder that smells light sunlight and metal.

“Where are you going,” Arthur mumbles, absentmindedly nuzzling into Merlin’s hair, “I’ve not had the chance to see you properly since this mess started.”

At the mention of what just happened, Merlin tenses. No. Arthur was never hurt by the Lamia. Arthur was never caught. Arthur is fine. Arthur is safe. Arthur isn’t hurt.

“Merlin? Merlin!”

He blinks, only for Arthur’s concerned face to swim into view in front of him. Next to him, Gwen wraps her hand around his, squeezing gently.

“Hey,” Arthur murmurs, tilting his head, “what’s the matter? You went somewhere for a moment.”

Merlin can’t do anything but blink.

“Come on,” Arthur teases gently, “surely it takes more than a hug to daze you?”

Something cold settles in the pit of Merlin’s stomach.

“They—they were—all she had to do was kiss them.”

“What?”

“All she had to do was talk to them, touch them, kiss them,” Merlin mumbles, “and they were hers. They changed, they didn’t care, they were—it was just a kiss.”

“Hey, hey—“ Arthur starts to hustle him toward the bed— “sit, Merlin, you look like you’re about to fall over.”

Gwen fetches a goblet and wraps his hand around it. “Drink, Merlin.”

“What is it?”

“Pear juice, your favorite.”

“Oh.” Merlin raises it to his lips. What’s wrong with him? Why is he acting like this? He’s fine.

“You just watched some of your closest friends succumb to powerful magic,” Gwen points out when he voices that, “you watched their minds change, that’s enough to shake anyone.”

“But they’re alright now, Merlin,” Arthur promises, “you’re all safe now. It’s dead, I killed it. You, and the knights, and Gwen, and Gaius, you’re all back here now, you’re safe.”

But was Merlin ever in any significant danger? He has his magic, there’s no way he would’ve been as easy a target as the others. Did he—did he draw attention to them by being himself and being there? Did she take the others because of him?

“Whatever you’re thinking,” comes Gwen’s stern voice, “stop it. Stop blaming yourself for things you can’t control.”

She gives him a pointed look and gestures to their entwined hands.

“Even you can’t fix everything, Merlin.”

“But I should’ve been able to fix this,” Merlin argues, his face contorting, “I should’ve—I—“

“And what would you have done, Merlin,” Arthur asks softly, “what could you do?”

Merlin’s blood runs cold. Next to him, even Gwen makes a little noise.

“No,” Arthur says firmly, “what could you have done? If you’re so intent on blaming yourself, what could you have done to make a difference?”

“Arthur!”

“Come on, Gwen, don’t tell me it doesn’t hurt you to see Merlin try and carry the whole world on his shoulders!” Arthur folds his arms and leans against the poster of the bed. “Tell us, Merlin, why should you be held accountable?”

“Arthur enough.” Gwen’s voice rings in the chamber as Merlin hides his head shamefully. “He’s already upset, he doesn’t need you to make it worse.”

“Don’t—“ he swallows heavily— “don’t fight, please. Don’t fight, not now.”

“We’re not fighting, Merlin,” comes Arthur’s soft voice again, followed by a warm hand cupping his cheek, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Why don’t you go get dinner then,” Gwen says, only a little less frosty, “as part of your apology.”

Arthur only sighs and does as bid. As soon as the door closes, Gwen leans forward and wraps him in a tight hug, letting him gasp heavily into her shoulder.

“Shh, shh,” she whispers, carding a soothing hand through his hair, “shh, Merlin, it’s alright, I’d never give up your secret, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“He—he asked, Gwen, I—I can’t—what if he knew?”

“I would never let anyone hurt you,” she promises fiercely, “you know I wouldn’t. That includes Arthur.”

“I won’t be able to keep from telling him someday, Gwen!”

“And when that day comes, I will be by your side and he will get down on his knees and thank you for all that you’ve done.”

“He won’t, Gwen. He’ll be so angry.”

Gwen pulls back enough to take his face in her hand. “He may be. For an instant. And then he will thank you. And you know he cares for you far too much to truly be angry at you.”

Merlin’s lip wobbles.

“Oh, Merlin—“ she pulls him back into her embrace— “I’ve got you, honey, it’s alright.”

“Alright, so I’ve got dinner, how are we—Merlin?”

There’s the sound of plates clattering to the table and rapid footsteps before another strong set of arms surround him.

“Oh, sweetheart,” comes Arthur’s warm concern, “what’s so bad? I’m sorry if I pushed too hard, I worry, shh, it’s alright, don’t cry.”

Gwen presses a kiss to his forehead as Arthur’s arms slip lower to wrap around his waist.

“We’re right here, Merlin, we won’t leave you.”

“You’re safe, sweetheart, I’ll look after you, we both will.”

“Shh, shh, honey, it’s okay.”

Merlin buries his head in the crook of Arthur’s neck and sobs. Arthur lets out a comforting noise and his hand comes up to cup the back of his head. He strokes gently, finding the soft spot that makes all of Merlin’s muscles relax on cue. Arthur moves the boneless pile of Merlin to the bed proper, scooping the man into his lap and letting Gwen shift close enough to lay her head between both of them.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Gwen promises, her hand wiping away one of Merlin’s tears, “you can cry, we’ll be right here.”

Arthur’s chin comes to rest on top of Merlin’s head, creating a little bubble of intimacy here, in his arms, sheltered in the lea of him. Merlin is taller than him—a fact he never lets Arthur forget—but the way he’s curled in on himself lets Arthur wrap protectively around him.

There is nowhere safer in Camelot.

After a long while, Gwen pulls away, murmuring something about making sure the food doesn’t spoil. As she vanishes behind the curtain, Arthur slowly shifts to sit Merlin on the end of the bed, sliding off to stand in front of him.

“Shh,” he hushes when Merlin whines in protest, “I’m just grabbing the handkerchief. I need to wipe your face off.”

Gentle fingers tip his chin up and the cloth is soft against his face. Arthur is patient, patting and dabbing up the mess and leaning down so Merlin can wrap his fingers in his tunic.

“There,” he murmurs eventually, setting the handkerchief aside and cupping Merlin’s face in his hands, “a little redder than normal, but other than that…”

Merlin swats halfheartedly at him. Arthur chuckles before he pulls away. Merlin opens his mouth to ask where he’s going when—

His mouth hangs when Arthur lowers himself carefully to his knees in front of him.

“I truly didn’t mean to scare you,” Arthur says in a hushed voice, taking Merlin’s hands in his, “earlier. I just wanted you to see that you—you don’t have to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. You’re still human, Merlin.”

“Arthur—what—what are you doing?”

“What I should’ve done long ago.” Arthur’s mouth tugs up. “You and Gwen aren’t quite as quiet as you think you are, you know that?”

Merlin’s eyes widen. “You—you heard?”

In response, Arthur takes Merlin’s hands and presses them to his chest, squeezing lightly. His smile softens.

“Thank you, Merlin,” he whispers and the words sink deep into Merlin’s chest, “and no, this wasn’t your fault either.”

“How—how long have you known?”

“I’ve suspected since the troll,” Arthur murmurs, standing and pulling Merlin back into a cuddle, “and I’ve never been angry since the Cup of Life.”

He squeezes Merlin gently.

“So don’t be so hard on yourself, sweetheart,” he whispers, “or else.”

Merlin sobs out a laugh, clutching desperately at Arthur, not angry Arthur, not upset Arthur, warm Arthur, caring Arthur, safe Arthur. “Or else what?”

“Or else I’ll have to make you take care of yourself.” Arthur scrubs his knuckles lightly over Merlin’s head. “So go sit with Gwen and we’ll eat or I’ll carry you there.”

He pulls back, just enough that he can see Merlin’s face and pat his cheek.

Merlin swallows. “Is that a threat?”

Arthur raises an eyebrow. “You asked for it.”

Gwen looks up when Arthur carries a Merlin to their dinner table and sits him down, reaching to take his hand and place it in hers. She giggles, pulling Merlin close enough to kiss his forehead, looking at his smile.

“That’s much better,” she notes, “now eat. You’ve had a long day.”

He’s had a long few days, honestly.

But as he starts to eat, as he and Arthur trade quips across the table, as Gwen’s hand stays warm in his, he may be able to rest tonight.

[patandpran]

In Loathe With You

What happens if Taekyung confronts Shinwoo about why Shinwoo has been avoiding him since the incident in the library?

Aka the one where Shinwoo definitely doesn’t ‘hate’ Shinwoo. In fact, it’s kind of the opposite.

The way that Taekyung looked at Shinwoo terrified him.

Taekyung made Shinwoo feel seen. Like all the bullshit and layers of self-doubt and defensiveness were stripped away by Taekyung’s gaze alone. 

Taekung looked at people with such intention, it was as if Taekyung was studying you like his life depended on it but Shinwoo soon realized it was more of a survival tactic that Taekyung must have developed to navigate social situations. The more he could gather in mere seconds, the more likely that Taekyung would be able to handle the interaction without too many consequences.

Shinwoo had felt something between them shift after Taekyung stepped into the way of the fight. The cut beneath Taekyung’s eye was a reminder that he put himself in harm’s way for someone that repeatedly declared that he ‘hated’ him and called him ‘annoying’.

Who did that?

It took Shinwoo some time to muster up the courage to call Taekyung and, in his own awkward way, thank him for the gesture. He couldn’t help but stutter anytime he was around Taekyung. He was so hard to read and decipher that it was both unsettling and fascinating to Shinwoo. It made him want to reach out into Taekyung’s mind every time they shared space and find out exactly what was going on for his peer.

So Shinwoo had bought a package of bandages.

…. With the intention of offering them to Taekyung as a sort of peace offering.

But then he encountered Daon and Taekyung in the library and Shinwoo’s confidence shattered into a million pieces. Shinwoo had seen the fondness that Taekyung looked at Daon with a million times before, whether it was students who wanted to date him or friends who looked up to him as if he were some sort of God on Earth.

Shinwoo knew he could never compete with Daon. Daon was warmth, sunshine and refreshing sweet tea while Shinwoo was ice, a cup of bitter coffee and a day inside escaping the rain. Daon was laughing and beaming smiles while Shinwoo was a comfortable shared silence and contemplation. 

And it seemed like Taekyung had already decided what he wanted, despite the connection that Shinwoo had felt brewing between them. There was a part of Shinwoo that was shocked that someone like Taekyung would fall for Daon’s warmth but Shinwoo knew how hard it was to escape the power of Daon’s influence. Even Shinwoo had once felt trapped by his feelings for Daon but quickly realized they worked much better as friends. 

So, Shinwoo took a step back despite what his instincts told him.

He kept his feelings to himself and started to rebuild the wall between him and Taekyung again so that he wouldn’t get hurt. It was better to feel nothing than to feel hurt. It was better to pretend to loathe someone than love them. The pain was more obtuse.

But Taekyung didn’t seem to appreciate the regression. A few days after the incident in the library, Taekyung cornered Shinwoo in the student council room during a study period that they both shared. Shinwoo regretted ever going to the student council room that day, knowing that Taekyung paid close attention to details such as people’s routines.

“Why are you ignoring me again?” Taekyung demanded bluntly, slamming his hands down onto the council table where Shinwoo was sitting.

This was another quality of Taekyung’s that Shinwoo admired. His need for transparency and honesty meant there was nothing left unclarified, as much as Shinwoo liked to keep things hidden. Taekyung tolerated no BS and Shinwoo found it quite refreshing.

“I-I’m not.” Shinwoo muttered in response and tried to avoid Taekyung’s piercing glare by pretending to study the form he was filling out.

“You’re not good at lying.” Taekyung accused and it somehow didn’t come across as an insult when he said it.

“Look, I’m trying to get this clubs form done so if you want something to entertain you, why don’t you clean the council room again?” Shinwoo deflected, hoping it would be enough to get Taekyung off his case. He really wasn’t in the mood for a confrontation right now.

Instead of taking Shinwoo’s suggestion, Taekyung rounded the table to the side where Shinwoo was sitting and sat in the chair directly next to Shinwoo’s. The sudden invasion of space made Shinwoo’s breath hitch in surprise and when he looked up to meet Taekyung’s gaze, he was shocked to see a look of resolve rather than frustration.

“I don’t know what I did to upset you, but whatever it was, I’m sorry.” Taekyung shared, his voice softer than before.

Shinwoo swallowed slowly, taken aback by the abrupt shift in Taekyung’s tone. “You didn’t do anything. Nothing’s wrong. I don’t know what you mean…”

“You started to open up to me.” Taekyung interrupted Shinwoo in earnest. “You called me! You apologized to me and you even started to greet me… but then, these past few days… it feels like it went back to how it was before. I don’t want to feel invisible to you anymore.”

The hurt was obvious in Taekyung’s words and the guilt quickly flooded through Shinwoo. The last thing he wanted to do was cause Taekyung pain. He had removed himself from the equation so that Shinwoo and Daon could pursue whatever was going on between them. He didn’t want to mess with what was obviously brewing between them. Plus, in taking a step back, Shinwoo was protecting himself too. But how could Shinwoo possibly explain this to Taekyung without revealing his feelings for him?

Because that was the crux of it all.

Shinwoo liked Taekyung.

And that was exactly why they had to go back to how they were before…. So no one got hurt.

“Is it because I heard the stuff your middle school friends said?” Taekyung surged on anxiously. “I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s none of my business, unless you want to tell me about it. I’m never going to push you to tell me things you don’t want to. I just… I want us to get along. I want us to be friends.”

The word ‘friends’ stung more than it should have but that was a pain that Shinwoo would have to learn to tolerate. He could see that the way he was treating Taekyung was doing more damage than it was worth. If Taekyung wanted to be friends, he could keep his feelings hidden as he had with Daon. They would soon dissolve into feelings of platonic affection..

But would they?

There was something innately different about how Shinwoo felt about Taekyung. His feelings were more visceral, like they lived deep within rather than just on the surface. They hadn’t known each other for long but Shinwoo’s feelings for Taekyung felt like they had always dwelled within, ready to rise to the surface when he first laid his eyes on Taekyung.

“Okay.” 

That was all that Shinwoo could offer. 

The weight of everything sat upon his shoulders and the image of encountering Daon and Taekyung in the library flashed in his memory, sending a pang of hurt through him once again. It spread through his body like a slight shiver as he kept his eyes on Taekyung.

“Okay.” Taekyung responded slowly, almost as if he didn’t believe what Shinwoo had set.

Shinwoo watched as Taekyung momentarily gathered his thoughts, hoping that the interrogation was over and he could at least pretend to return to his work and be left alone with his thoughts. But Taekyung didn’t seem satisfied with the conversation.

“You don’t have to answer but… what changed?” Taekyung asked and Shinwoo wished he had simply continued on with the ‘I hate you’ charade. It would have been easier than having conversations like this one.

“It seemed like, for a second there, that you actually might want to be friends with me.” Taekyung expressed and Shinwoo could hear the vulnerability in Shinwoo’s words. “But then it quickly went back to how it was before… what did I do wrong?”

Shinwoo sighed, letting his gaze fall to the table rather than having to face Taekyung. “Like I said, you didn’t do anything wrong… I just… I think it’s best if we keep a distance between us.”

“Why?” Taekyung shook his head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

Shinwoo could feel the truth on the tip of his tongue but he knew honesty would destroy any semblance of a friendship that they had between him and Taekyung, especially given how Taekyung felt for Daon. 

“I saw you and Daon in the library.” That was the only explanation that Shinwoo could offer but it only seemed to confuse Taekyung even more.

Taekyung turned his chair to face Shinwoo more directly. “Okay… but what does that have to do with anything?”

For someone so observant, it seemed like Taekyung had a blind spot to how people felt about him. It made the whole interaction both unbearable and embarrassing for Shinwoo but Shinwoo also knew Taekyung wasn’t going to let him escape until the matter was resolved.

“I saw how you looked at him.” Shinwoo explained slowly, the words feeling like poison as they passed through his lips.

“Huh?” Taekyung’s brow knit together for a moment before his eyes grew wide with realization. “You think I like Daon?”

The truth hurt already but hearing it directly from Taekyung felt like a slap across the face. Shinwoo didn’t know how to respond besides nodding and remaining silent as Taekyung regarded him intently.

But then Taekyung did something unexpected - he reached out and gently trailed his fingers across one of Shinwoo’s ears. The touch made Shinwoo become starkly still and all remaining thoughts disappeared from his mind.

“Your ears are red again.” Taekyung remarked softly, leaning in toward Shinwoo.

Shinwoo couldn’t help but let himself be caught up in the moment for a few seconds before his eyes fell on the bandaid that Daon had placed on Taekyung’s face. At that, he pulled away from Taekyung’s touch and turned his eyes away as well, feeling the shame flood through him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Shinwoo saw Taekyung’s hand hover slightly before retracting it and touching the bandaid on his face. “Daon doesn’t like me. He takes care of everyone. You should know that by now, Shinwoo.”

Taekyung looked back to Shinwoo and blurted out, “But you like him.”

Shinwoo shrugged, “He’s nice to me. I think maybe I thought I did for a second but then I realized it was a different feeling…. It was friendship, not a romantic feeling or physical attraction. I’m just not used to people having any investment in me… he made me feel seen. But I understand the difference now.”

“How?” Shinwoo wondered, not even processing the relief that he was experiencing at hearing that Taekyung didn’t want to be anything more than Daon’s friend.

“Because of how I feel about you.” Taekyung admitted, the nerves clear in his voice.  “Don’t you wonder why I was so insistent about finding out why you hated me? It was borderline obsessive!”

Shinwoo’s mind turned to static. He understood the possibility of what Taekyung was saying but it was too unbelievable to conceive that Taekyung felt the same as him, especially considering how Shinwoo had treated him.

“You want to be my friend.” Shinwoo expressed numbly.

“No, you don’t get it.” Taekyung was shaking his head in disbelief again before becoming still and solemn. “I like you, Shinwoo.”

For a second, Shinwoo thought he had heard Taekyung wrong or was imagining things. But then Taekyung kept talking, “Maybe that will make you hate me. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything but I just felt like something had changed between us and maybe...Maybe I don’t know how to have friends but what I do know is that I don’t want to just be friends with you, Shinwoo. I don’t expect anything in return, I just… need to be honest with you.”

“Honest.” Shinwoo repeated the word numbly as he was still in shock by Taekyung’s confession.

“Before I ever said anything.” Taekyung bit out.

Shinwoo  realized too late that he must have come across in a mocking tone as a look of hurt crossed Taekyung’s face before he shoved his chair back to make an escape. An all too familiar shame was clear in Taekyung’s eyes as he moved toward the door of the student council room.

And even though Shinwoo was still in autopilot, his body leapt into action on his behalf, knowing that if he didn’t act now, he might lose Taekyung forever. The damage would be done if he didn’t make his intentions clear.

Shinwoo slipped in front of Taekyung and put his back to the door to block Taekyung from exiting. Taekyung took a surprised step back and tore his gaze from Shinwoo’s, letting out a huff of frustration. “I don’t need your pity, Shinwoo. I get it now. You hate me and that’s never going to change.”

“I don’t hate you.” Shinwoo practically whispered. “I never did.”

Taekyung looked urgently back to Shinwoo. “What?”

Shinwoo took a deep breath and stepped closer to Taekyung, raising his hand to gently run his thumb over the bandaid on Taekyung’s cheek. “I don’t hate you, Taekyung. I was… terrified of how you made me feel.”

“I don’t understand.” Taekyung murmured under Shinwoo’s touch. 

“The weight of what I feel for you, it was too much.” Shinwoo explained slowly, articulating every word. “That’s why I acted like I hated you. I was awful to you because… well, you were overwhelming. I didn’t want you around because… well, I like you too, and I was scared of what that meant.”

Taekyung relaxed slightly, his expression becoming more open and curious than defensive. “But what does Daon have anything to do with this?” 

“I was planning to bring you a bandaid as an apology for how I treated you after the fight.” Shinwoo answered, embarrassed about how he had handled the situation. “But then I saw you and Daon in the library and I guess.. I just didn’t want to get in the way of you too.”

“Like I said, there’s nothing to get in the way of.” Taekyung raised his hand to put around Shinwoo’s wrist and leaned his head into Shinwoo’s palm that was still cradling his face. 

“I know that now.” Shinwoo shared with a relieved sigh.

And then something beautiful happened. Taekyung smiled at Shinwoo and something in Shinwoo melted. The walls of ice that he had worked so hard for so long to build up began to dissipate because of Taekyung’s mere presence. 

“So… what does this make us?” Taekyung asked boldly, beaming at Shinwoo.

“It definitely makes us more than friends.” Shinwoo responded, a smile tugging at his own lips.

Taekyung leaned forward so their foreheads touched momentarily before he pulled back again. He had a satisfied look in his eyes and he teased, “Your ears are red again. I guess you really do like me.”

Shinwoo rolled his eyes. He could get used to this banter but he might never get used to the reality that Taekyung felt the same way he did and had been brave enough to share those feelings with him.

And, just like that, Shinwoo wasn’t so afraid of how Taekyung made him feel anymore.

[bigskydreaming]

Since you mentioned the constant plot lines of Dick subjected to mind fuckery, does Dick ever think about "Am I really in control right now" while doing something normal like making breakfast. Is he questioning constantly if he actually made that choice for himself? *calls up trusted telepaths and mystics to safeguard Dick's mind forever and ever*

Absolutely. I headcanon that Dick’s built up something of an obsessive habit about constantly looking for new meditative techniques, brain tricks and methods of trying to train his mind to be more resistant to external intrusion/manipulation, like in his downtime his brain is always busy working on that never-ending puzzle of trying to constantly figure out new ways of how to tell that he’s not himself or he’s being influenced by someone or something else. So he’s never reliant on stagnated or outdated ideas or techniques or becoming complacement that he’s alone in his head.

Its a very specific, very weird kind of hyper-vigilance, and it is absolutely not healthy but it is what it is and he doesn’t see any alternative to it. He just doesn’t know how to feel safe and confident in the idea that his mind is impregnable, his will is his own and no one is out to manipulate his thoughts....because its too often been proven that when it comes to him, none of these things are true. It sucks, but no matter how often Dick is perceived as an optimist by others, he’s a realist as much as he can be, and he feels better, more in control, more empowered by being vigilant and proactive about safeguarding and double-checking his thoughts. Because he knows from experience how much greater a toll it takes on him in the aftermath of being taken over or manipulated, when he ends up secondguessing everything he did under someone else’s control and whether or not he could have seen it coming or prevented it.

He and Lilith have a standing coffee date every other week to meet up for drinks and gossip about the other Titans and the cape community, but the unspoken understanding is that while they’re there Lilith runs a scan of his thoughts searching for any sign that there’s someone else’s fingerprints somewhere in there. Like everything else about this, its a messy kind of compromise that they both have considerably mixed feelings about. Dick is someone who likes his secrets, he’s taken the idea that knowledge is power to heart over the course of his life and feels that too much knowledge of him gives people too much power over him.....but he also feels too much guilt over things he’s done while controlled by others and too much fear for what others might use him to do in the future and he’s past the point where he’s willing to let his pride or feelings of vulnerability get in the way of making sure he’s not being used to hurt people he loves again. Its not like people hijacking his brain don’t get access to all his secrets that way anyway, so he’d rather have them in the hands of someone he trusts, like one of his oldest friends, than in the hands of his enemies. 

But at the same time, the consequence of this intimate knowledge, of Lilith knowing him so well, so much better than he’s ever truly comfortable with is there’s a ceiling to how close they’re ever able to be as friends. Like its this weird thing where they’re close enough that Dick trusts her with the deepest darkest corners of his head, but that very knowledge of his mind is the reason that at the same time, he can’t quite relax around her ever, with them both being hyper aware of this but there’s not really a fix for it, at least that they’ve found. Dick just doesn’t know how to be so exposed without feeling judged or about to be judged, and he’s not about to ask Lil to be his therapist when he’s already asking so much of her being his secret-keeper and safeguard making sure he’s himself and not a risk to others.

Lilith, for her part, doesn’t like anything about this but doesn’t have any other ideas to offer. She knows Dick’s approach to all this is far from healthy but she also knows why it exists and why it is what it is, and she can’t exactly say that his fears are unfounded or that the possibility of him being hijacked and used against his teammates and family isn’t a very real threat, as its been in the past. And she knows exactly how much it pains Dick to let himself be so exposed in front of her for the sake of keeping others safe, and is glad to be someone he can trust for that, as well as being at least glad that she can offer him some peace of mind and reassurance, even if it feels too much like a stopgap and band-aid rather than any real kind of solution. 

But at the same time, this sorta thing requires they both be bluntly honest with each other and there are no real illusions between them, so she doesn’t bother trying to hide that a part of her resents her friend putting this on her, hates the fact that the only reason she is trusted to know him so much better than anyone else is because of necessity. And she really hates knowing the things that he doesn’t share with anyone else and really needs to be sharing or asking for help with or working on in therapy, because she’s hyper-aware of how vulnerable he is to feeling judged and doesn’t want to break this tenuous arrangement by doing exactly that. The downside of being a telepath with someone’s mind wide open before you is no matter how much their thoughts and actions frustrate you, you can’t help but be 100% aware of why they’re like that and just what exactly goes into making them so resistant to change or help. 

And that’s what makes up her part of what keeps their friendship brittle and sharp-edged, even despite it being very real and the source of why she does this for him and why he trusts her to do it at all, even with necessity factored in......there’s distance from her side of the equation just like he has his own, because there’s too much obligation and duty and responsibility and caution bound up in the intimate knowledge between them for them to ever fully feel like the friends they SHOULD be and even WANT to be......and so its weird because she knows things about Dick that nobody else ever will, he shares things with her that he won’t with anyone else, and yet despite that and even because of that they’ll never actually be as close to each other as they are with Donna, Roy, Wally, Garth and others. 

And they’re both keenly aware of that and are uncomfortable with it because its not what friendship is supposed to be like, its not what they want it to be like, they just don’t know how to make it any other way, all things considered.

But again, even still, there is the fact that there is friendship between them and its real, and its why Lilith keeps showing up even despite her resentments and why Dick keeps letting her in his mind despite how intensely he hates baring everything for someone else. 

Lil does it because she knows at the end of the day, Dick only asks because he’s scared, because he doesn’t feel safe and secure in his own mind without her help, and that’s something everyone deserves, especially a friend she values and respects as much as she does Dick. 

And Dick only asks because he recognizes and accepts that as much as he hates it, the truth is he flat out doesn’t trust himself to be sure he’s in control at all times, which leaves his only option being to trust someone else, with that requiring that he actually TRUST them, fully and completely. And at the end of the day, he does trust Lilith to not just be able to help keep his mind secure but to WANT to, to be invested in it because she’s his friend and she cares about him.

Its fucked up and messy and complicated and sharp-edged and painful, but at least it works, so they make the most of it, focus on the positives as much as they can, and share another scone as they gossip about Gar’s latest crush.

[thejustmaiden]

Heyo, fellow Inuyasha fans! Happy Friday! This particular blog will serve as a collection of random thoughts I’ve been mulling over lately. Hope you’ll consider giving it a read. By the way, it’ll specifically pertain to the Sessrin ship. If that’s not something that is of interest to you, then no need to read any further. Whatever happens, I wanted to get this out before the sequel. Alrighty, let’s go! 

I’m not sure many of us realize just how much fiction sparks public dialogue and shapes culture. There have been countless studies and research done to prove it, therefore this really isn’t up for debate. What the real question here should be is have we taken the time to fully contemplate and assess just how much fictional experiences are able to change or influence our perspective on real, everyday life? The visual arts are just one of many evolutionary adaptations that serve to give us more insight into one another’s mind. If our outlook on fiction contrasts with said insight, then perhaps some re-evaluating is in order.  

Powerful works of literature such as 1984 and the beloved Harry Potter series are just two examples. George Orwell’s book contributed strongly to how readers viewed government and politics during that time, and to this day it’s a book that resonates with many. As much as Harry Potter is cherished all across the world, there are religious and academic institutions that condemn it or have even gone so far as to ban it. I may not agree with the extreme measures taken, but it’s fascinating nonetheless to witness the extent to which fiction can move and mobilize people for a cause.

The takeaway is that indicating fiction doesn’t have the power to create change in our everyday lives is misleading to say the least. So how exactly then can fictional stories that are, after all, completely made up affect society in such profound ways? It all lies in the power of the psychology of fiction. According to cognitive psychologist and novelist, Keith Oatley, who’s been researching the psychological effects of fiction for over a decade, he states that engaging with stories about other people can improve empathy and theory of mind. When we identify with these characters’ struggles, we begin to share their frustration for societal problems that plague them. These types of stories tap into our emotions more so than- believe it or not- nonfiction, and thus their effects inspire us and even have the ability to alter our worldviews. 

I’ll be returning to that specific topic a bit later, but moving on for now!

It’s safe to say that I speak on behalf of the majority of antis. That being said, I first want to add that we are aware that sessrin shippers claim to agree that there was nothing inherently romantic that took place between Rin and Sesshomaru during their travels together. The thing is we have trouble believing you guys when you time and time again provide contradictory statements to defend your stance.

Voicing things like, “all signs point to Rin” and “it’s been foreshadowed” sends the exact opposite message of what you supposedly stand for and, if anything, confirms that you’ve had romance on your mind long before it would’ve been acceptable to come out with openly. You can’t just go along with what we say when it’s convenient to your argument and then back it up later with “who else but Rin.” How can the relationship you’re imagining be so obvious if they didn’t hint at it for the whole duration of the original series like we agreed upon? Elaborate on how we could’ve possibly come to such wildly different conclusions when we started AND left off with the same views for and throughout the series. 

On top of that, making the excuse that we don’t speak for adult!Rin and that she has the right to make her own decisions once she’s old enough is a weak defense. Firstly, because we haven’t even met her. Secondly, because it’s unfair of you to assert that you know what’s best for Rin and then say we’re not allowed to just because it doesn’t align with your beliefs. I get that you feel protective over her character, but do recall that this adult version of her none of us have actually met yet. We have no idea what kind of woman she’s become, what her dreams or aspirations may be, and whether she’s married or even wants to be. I’m not against the idea of her falling in love, I just don’t think it’ll be with Sesshomaru. I guess I’m also a fan of the idea of her following in Kaede’s footsteps, because if anyone can grow up to be an independent, trusted, and wise leader of the community like her it’s Rin.

To make matters worse, way too many of you continue to celebrate the drama cd and profess that it was sweet that Sesshomaru basically promised he’d wait for Rin all while somehow ignoring the glaring grooming implications. Why do you only see what you want to see and fail to acknowledge that actual child grooming scenarios do in fact play out like this in real life? A high percentage of people who have been victims of grooming can attest to this. If Sessrin does go canon, all the sequel succeeded in doing to avoid the direct correlation with grooming was skip over the more questionable and dodgy portions of it. Take out the time jump, however, and you no longer have a loophole to cover up the scary unmistakable truth, which is that Sessrin and grooming are essentially one in the same.

No one case is identical to another so please don’t come to me with your “but how is it grooming if Sesshomaru didn’t manipulate Rin” refutes. Nobody knows what the hell went on during those years between The Final Act and this upcoming sequel. Based on everything exhibited so far- that is if we decide to recognize the drama cd like so many of you choose to do- Sessrin’s dynamic is eerily reminiscent of real life child grooming. Why else do you think a lot of us fans have a huge problem with it? It’s triggering for a reason. 

Let’s be honest, Sesshomaru’s supposed love confession could’ve just been the first of many gestures like it. Who really knows, right? According to you shippers, a major shift in their relationship took place sometime during this critical period none of us got to watch unfold. I’m sure you all have explored the various ways this would’ve gone down in fan fiction and through other creative means of expression. Not to spoil the fun, but all I can’t help but wonder about is just how many of those supposed “cute moments” would’ve been as creepy and cringey as that proposal. Hundreds of thousands (possibly millions?!) of fans would undoubtedly agree with me, too. It seems to me this ain’t due to a mere difference of opinion. Taste is one thing, ethics a whole other. 

By the way, in case you didn’t know, groomers don’t necessarily need to plan out every single move in order for their behavior to constitute as grooming. What we should be paying attention to instead is the fact that Sesshomaru made a conscious decision to act on his own selfish desire for a young girl who couldn’t have possibly known in that moment the magnitude of what he was asking of her. Why is it that a vulnerable Rin is put in a position that forces her to be the one responsible for making such a big, life-changing decision for the both of them? Yes, Sesshomaru gave her the choice and, yes, she doesn’t have to make it till later, but why on Earth is he coming to her with this well before a child her age is ready and mature enough to handle it? Even if his intentions are good (broadly speaking of course), his what you shippers probably call “innocent acts” are incidentally coercing Rin into reciprocating his feelings. Whether he planned for that or not, he’s at fault. Period. 

That’s one way the power imbalance works. A child wants nothing more than to please the adult they look up to and adore, because they’re impressionable like that. Maybe Rin processes this like she’ll want whatever he wants, so that’s what she trains herself to believe- either right then and there or over time. Plus, if you really think about it, why wouldn’t she trust him if in her eyes he’s been nothing but good to her and that’s all she’s ever really known? (Psst! Charm is integral to the manipulative nature of grooming so it’s deceiving AKA manipulation can come off as praise or flattery.) Bottom line is that Rin is too young to have to think about this kind of deep stuff at all, and Sesshomaru shouldn’t have taken advantage of the power he had/has over her to influence a decision she was by no means prepared to hear about much less decide on. Your headcanons seem to imply that she’ll eventually have to choose though, and Idk about you but I rather not push my own fantasy agenda onto a underage girl regardless of how much I want it. Idc if she’s fictional, it wouldn’t feel right so why would I want to see that? My principals couldn’t ever allow for it.   

Even if it wasn’t an official proposal, per se, it’s still disturbing to me that so many of you find joy in the thought of a grown adult male essentially waiting for a young girl HE KNEW to become old enough before pursuing her. I know this drama cd ain’t technically canon, y'all, but since this is literally the only source we have that may foreshadow a potential Sessrin to come, and it’s referenced a lot, I figured it still should be called out for exactly what it is- Grooming: 101!!!!

Just as I demonstrated above, fiction has the ability to make even the most inappropriate and uncomfortable situations be viewed in a favorable light when you put the right spin on it. *cough* Lolicon culture, need I say more? *cough* Despite what you may believe, the strategies fiction utilizes to explain themes/concepts can genuinely lead to how we perceive them, and ultimately to how we come to make sense of a similar event presented to us in real life. Especially if we have no prior experience with any of it and have nothing to compare something to, these perceptions can be dangerous yet still persuasive to certain fans- young ones in particular. The more narrative consistency across stories and different mediums, the more likely they’ll influence social beliefs. Minors don’t possess the same capacity as adults to think critically about the content they consume, and if we aren’t more careful about what we put out there then all of us will continue to face serious repercussions.

This is precisely why it’s crucial we persist in our fight against the rabid phenomenon of glorifying young girls in every sexual context imaginable. Just look at what something as seemingly harmless as fiction has the power to do. The scope of fiction is broad and far-reaching, and it’s about time we stop denying that fact and actually do something about it if we have the means to.

The truth of the matter is that we’re in desperate need of proper education and training programs on this issue in our communities. Families need to ensure their children have access to the necessary resources, but it isn’t just on them. ALL of us gotta do our part and ALL of us should be up for the task. It takes a village, right? If we do not properly discuss and address child sexual abuse (CSA) with our children and in public forums, including the internet, then we’re ultimately accepting incidents of CSA should they arise. Consequently, that also translates to indirectly accepting that the predators among us stay untreated and/or unpunished. That’s how the generational and societal aspect of the abuse can continue, and we must do everything in our power to secure our children’s future. Yes, even when it comes to fiction.

If you still somehow don’t think the Sessrin pairing has anything to do with grooming, allow me to break this down for you one more time:

1. If some of your fellow sessrin shippers say that a relationship like this in real life is harmful, then that should be pretty telling in and of itself.

2. Piggybacking off #1: if your only defense to that is “well it’s just fiction,” then you should ask yourself why you can’t ever come up with better reasons. Same goes for history and culture, so please stop using those to justify this relationship. None of the above can or should be applied since it’s already been established that fiction pervades our lives and vice versa.

3. If fellow shippers who are victims of grooming say they are drawn to Sessrin because it allows them in a way to “take back control” from their abuser so that they can better cope with past traumas, then they’re inadvertently admitting that Sessrin does possess qualities associated with the past child sexual abuse they underwent. AKA Sessrin is relatable for its abusive dynamic.

I have to ask by the way, but why do you get so offended when we don’t support your ship anyway? Is it because we interpret it to be controversial and you don’t like your ship getting a bad rap? Is it because it would be insulting to admit that antis actually have a point in it being problematic and you rather double down instead? Or is it because you’re projecting yourself onto Rin and prefer to not go into detail about why that is? Maybe it’s too personal, or maybe it’s because deep down you’re ashamed. Of course that doesn’t mean you’re bad people, but suppressing these kind of negative emotions can’t be healthy for anyone. A little awareness and self-reflection on your part can benefit not just you but all of us in the long run. Cognitive dissonance can suck, but it’s also part of being human. 

I recently came across a comment I’d like to share with you. Unfortunately, this is not the first time nor will it be the last I see the likes of it. Anyway, in it a fan stated how embarrassing it must be being an Anti in this fandom when an episode like “Forever with Lord Sesshomaru” exists. Guys, this shipper and all those who liked their post are showing their true colors. Perpetuating and/or anticipating these sexualized images of young girls is a grave issue in both our society and media alike. I think we can all agree on that, or at least I hope so. It’s remarks like these that prove we still got a long way to go in terms of progress, and if we ever hope to effectively reverse some of our backwards way of thinking. So serious question for ya in regard to this: Why is it too much to ask that grooming be portrayed for what it is? Grooming. To clarify, grooming is bad and needs to be painted in a bad light. It’s as simple as that. If only we could all acknowledge it for what it is, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. 

Historical accuracy and cultural differences aside, it appears the crux of the matter between Sessrin shippers and Antis is our acceptance and/or denial of fiction’s influence on real life. If we can’t agree on this, then we’ll never agree on anything else. As mentioned earlier, there is more than enough evidence to support the idea that fiction impacts our lives in extraordinary ways. I, for one, believe in the transformative power of stories. I think they do more for us than many of us give them credit for and/or are inclined to admit. 

This is partially why I believe that the majority of sessrin folk are missing the point most of the time. All they do is focus on insignificant and irrelevant information that accomplishes nothing but more gaslighting and strawmanning. Whether it be an intentional or unconscious decision, whatever we argue goes right over their head. All they do is throw around deflections and antagonizing remarks that serve no real purpose other than to make Antis out to be the unreasonable and irrational ones. Making connections between our own lives and our stories is a completely natural and normal occurrence. If those particular shippers insist on denying just how interconnected real life and fiction both are, what that tells me is they’re either out of touch with reality or deliberately choose to be.

Just to be clear, I am of the opinion that most if not all antis aren’t real life predators. If they say they aren’t, I honestly take their word for it. Speaking to Sessrin shipper directly: We know it’s not Sesshomaru you want to be but Rin. No, we’re not calling you pedophiles or groomers. None of us think you are using a fictional ship to attract underage fans to be the Rin in your life or anything of the sort. We are well aware that many of you are self-inserting yourself as Rin, so please don’t feel the need to tell us yourself because that would be stating the obvious.

I learned from a few of you since this sequel was announced that the Sessrin relationship isn’t just a ship but an opportunity for you to confront the person who used and abused you. So there’s two issues with this I’d like to raise. (Sorry if I’m repeating myself, but it’s urgent I stress this again!) This is what I have to say:

If fiction does not affect real life or have the ability to normalize anything as you claim to believe, then why does “fixing” what happened to you via your preferred choice of coping associated with these two characters in the first place? Why bring your past abuse into this at all if at the end of the day it’s “just fiction” and nothing more to you but a source of entertainment?

By confessing that you use Sessrin to cope with your past trauma, you therein reveal that Sessrin does in fact resemble an adult-child relationship with a grooming dynamic. So why then would you want other fans to be exposed to a pairing that brings to mind the very abuse you endured? We’re supposed to stop this toxic cycle- NOT find more ways to manifest and relive it, much less subject other fans to it. 

You may think that Sessrin doesn’t fit the textbook definition of what child grooming is, but that’s not to say it doesn’t embody it or that it doesn’t at the very least have traces of it that stand out. 

“Antis are miserable people who don’t know how to enjoy a good story. It’s just fiction, stop ruining it for other fans!”

Well, no, it’s not just fiction or just a story. Some of you evidently went and proved that yourself, and without my help, by revealing how you relate Sessrin to your own life and apply it to cope with past abuse. Past abuse or not, as far as I can tell we’re all equally invested in these characters. That speaks volumes and just goes to show that fiction touches our lives in long-lasting ways.

I have something I want to say concerning some of who believe that it’s inconsiderate of antis who have been victims of grooming or another form of child abuse to tell other victims who ship Sessrin how they should cope with their trauma. Now as much as I respect the various means victims discover to deal with their painful pasts, there’s always an appropriate time and a place for these things to occur. We must seek out better ways to safely cope with the abuse we lived through (if any) without running the risk of hurting and endangering others. 

There are plenty of fans in other fandoms who don’t try to defend their ships going canon, because they’re able to recognize an unhealthy or toxic pairing when they see one and won’t try to justify it. A Sessrin romance simply does not belong on a show geared towards teens, and I really don’t need to go into detail about why we shouldn’t support it, at least canon-wise. Shipping Sessrin is your right, but if you don’t keep it to yourself and your corner of the fandom then you really shouldn’t be surprised by the opposition. All we ask is you respect that their specific dynamic falls under the category of child grooming (or very close) and should be treated as such in public. The world of fiction may be wider than the world we live in, but that doesn’t always mean “anything goes.” In the creative spaces our minds occupy we must still adhere to the same fundamental and moral guidelines we live by in life. There’s nothing wrong with exploring new terrains and experimenting with ideas, but we must also remember that our stories are all about communicating and connecting with people. So let’s please be more mindful of the sort of messages they’re sending. 

Besides, this isn’t only about you and what makes you feel safe, it’s about all of us. I don’t know how much more I can stress that really. How can thoughts endanger our children, you ask? Well, it’s not like we’re suggesting that our thoughts can jump out of our tvs, materialize themselves, and place kids under mind control. The forces behind fiction are a lot more complex and nuanced than a “monkey see, monkey do” approach, so don’t waste any more time trying to  describe that to us. You’re taking this argument in the wrong direction. 

Take the “violent video games breed killers” theory. I’m afraid you’re misconstruing what we’re saying and then taking it quite too literally. Please stop twisting our words, because nobody on our side is saying that just because you play violent video games that you’ll become a violent person. The Sessrin equivalent of that would be if you ship them then you must be a pedophile or turning into one. *sigh* I know you guys are feeling attacked, but I’m afraid your defensive nature is keeping you from thinking straight. Clearly, there are always exceptions (I’d recommend reading up on the Slender Man case), but Antis aren’t saying you’re one of them.

You see, it’s not so much about the content as it is the notion of the content. Kids and teens who are playing these video games have been informed that killing is wrong, because they grew up learning that early on like the rest of us. No sane person would advocate for violence and nonsensical killing in real life. Since they fully understand the severity of the consequences of killing a person in real life, they are able make a clear distinction between the two. When it comes to killing there is hardly any ambiguity. Sadly, that is far from the truth when it comes to sexualizing girls. It should immediately be perceived as wrong leaving no room for interpretation, and yet here we are still putting up with these inaccurate and demeaning female representations.

Most children who have been groomed don’t realize it till years down the road. If they aren’t ever taught the telltale signs to properly labeling grooming situations, how do you expect them to make sense of and relate to a fictional version? Let’s think of about it from a child’s perspective. Yes, this includes teens who rely pretty heavily on adult guidance and the content we put out there for them. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and picture that you’ve never had child grooming explained to you (because that’s just the reality for so many unfortunately). Wouldn’t you say it’s possible for them to deduce that what they see on their screens is how they come to discern something in real life, especially if they have little to no experience with it? Perceived realism is plausible, y'all.

What it comes down to in the end is that the ideas and emotions we cultivate behind these stories leave an impression on others. Impressions are capable of influencing the way we see the world, which in turn affects us and beyond just our imagination. The way I look at it, stories contribute to how and why we normalize certain beliefs and trends. If fiction reflects real life like most of us tend to agree, then wouldn’t you say Sessrin is a (in)direct result of this world’s tendency to place young girls in overly sexual or romantic environments? Where do you think fiction draws its inspiration from? Sure, some of it originates from our imagination, but most of what drives us to create these stories is the real world and the people who live in it.

Fiction is meant to mirror reality, but it’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s only a one-way street. That fiction in no way, shape, or form influences our reality? Or that it only works the other way around? With all due respect, that’s simply not true. No productive discourse can be had if we choose to ignore the truth and don’t come together (at least halfway) to tackle the real issues at hand. 

Okay, I think I’ll leave it off there! Thanks so much for reading. I expect this to be my last blog on any topic regarding Inuyasha in the near future. As much as I’ve looked forward to answering all of your asks and writing all the blogs I have over these past almost 5 months, I think it’s best if I spend some time away for now. With the sequel fast approaching, I’m doing what I always do: hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I’ve met some amazing people along the way, that’s for sure. And who knows, maybe you’ll see me active in the tags sooner than we think. Until then, it’s been an absolute pleasure! Enjoy the sequel, all of you. 💜

[authoressofdarkness]

Guide Me Safely To Shore

Only one thing ever made Tony Stark think twice about fulfilling his full potential. Two little words on the inside of his wrist, where his soulmark sits, ghostly, waiting for him to recognize his soulmate in some unredeemable way. He always knew he’d hurt them. But when he discovers his soulmate is none other than the feisty little Spiderling swinging around his streets, he realizes things are a lot worse than he ever could have thought.

Notes: So this just hit me in the middle of the night while reading fanfiction and avoiding hw the other night. I’ve got several ideas for it going forward, so this isn’t a one shot, but with midterms right around the corner I can promise nothing. Sorry. But I love you all and I’m hoping to get the next part out soon. <3 Enjoy, and I’d love to hear what you think!

This is unbetaed, so sorry for any mistakes.

Also, if anyone is interested, I realized while titling this that the song I took inspiration from is actually a lot more relevant to this story than I thought, and even more so the play itself. You can consider it the theme song for this story. The song is called “All That Matters,” from the Broadway cast of Finding Neverland. If you ever get the chance to see it, you most definitely should, or at least listen to the soundtrack. So listen to that if y’all get a chance, and do with that what you will.Okay, now enjoy! 💙

Only one thing in the world had made Tony think twice about fulfilling his full potential.

It wasn’t his friends. Or family — not that he really had any to speak of. Not his position at SI, not fear for his life, his work, his legacy, or anything of the sort.

It was the last thing someone would expect, honestly. Even for a man like Tony, an alpha with such power, who commanded such respect, had to have a soulmate. One he was expected to love, cherish, and yes, even a man like him craved that. He hadn’t met them yet, though, his soulmate, but the two words branding him, marking him with the words from his soulmate that will seal their bond, are there, have always been there, carefully hidden away from the public eye… and terrifying him in a deeper way than anything else could.

Please don’t.

Those two little words, branded onto his skin, reminding him every day of the horrors he may be wreaking on his soulmate without knowing it. There was no way to interpret them in a good light; and he knows that they mean, to some extent, he is going to hurt them.

And what’s worse, is that he hears them so often. People begging. It’s almost become part of his reason behind his cruel reputation — forcing people to beg, just to make them say it, just to make absolutely certain before he does something irreversible that it's not his soulmate he holds. Each time, he has to hold his breath, think about everything he’s ever done in that split second while he waits to see if hearing the words this time will change his life.

It’s the only thing that’s ever made him think twice about the things that he does. If there’s one person he doesn’t want to hurt, that he’d protect with his life at all costs, it’s his soulmate.

Yet he has no idea who it is, and the only thing he does know is he’s destined to fucking hurt them. Probably make them beg for their life before he realizes that they’re his soulmate. That he’s hurting his other half.

Most of the time he relishes the power, the fear and respect he gets from other people. But the idea of his soulmate being afraid of him just makes him sick to his stomach.

Tonight, the thoughts weigh heavy on his mind as he flies around the city in his suit.

In the years since he’s come to power — subtly, of course, then slowly less so — there had been little resistance from the masses. His influence is good for them, for the most part. It’s more peaceful than it’s been in years. Most people go about their lives business as usual. So long as they don’t challenge him.

Except there’s still a couple of people who challenge him.

The Avengers are, by far, the most pesky. But in recent times they’ve rather given up. There’s bigger problems in the rest of the world, still, and they can’t trick him or infiltrate him, can’t operate in secrecy the way they usually do. Tony is isolated — few friends, and none that would dare betray him, especially not after what happened to Obie. His company is firmly in his own hands, and his technology gives him virtually limitless access to information. He can see virtually anyone, anywhere, anytime he wants. There’s no way to hide from him. And what’s worse for them — he doesn’t try to hide what he’s doing. There’s nothing to expose when you’re honest from the start. He’s practically untouchable.

But… wait, did he say no way? That’s not… entirely true. He doesn’t know how, but someone has found a way around it.

Because there’s one person other than the Avengers that still bothers him.

Spider-Man.

He’d let him go for a while. It’s his own fault they’ve gotten so confident, if he’s being honest. Letting them run around and play vigilante. At first, they’d been a help, in truth — dragging in some of the street trash even he couldn’t control, and couldn’t be bothered to deal with personally. But then he’d started to get bolder. Bold enough to interfere with him. And while he couldn’t do any major damage, he sure was annoying.

Mostly because he was succeeding. In interrupting little things, at least. And, going back to his earlier thought, because he can’t fucking find him.

Whoever the guy is, he’s careful. Smart. Smart enough that Tony hasn’t been able to find basically any footage of him, anything to link Spider-Man with a normal persona. And he’s obviously just a normal person under the suit. He has to be. And there’s no way he lives in that thing all the time. Especially not with the way he’s avoided his detection so well.

He’s made all the harder to track by his erratic schedule. He can come out at night or during the day, every day for a month and not be seen again for a month the following days. The only consistency is that he tends to be out and about in the Queens borough. Even that is a wide enough area that he has a hard time using it to pin the man’s identity down. He’s narrowed it, certainly, but calculating the amount of people that could make it there every so many days, accounting for the inconsistent schedule and what it could mean, age, height, and hell, even gender — because really, all they would have to do is use a voice modulator and let people see what they wanted to for the rest — means that the number of suspects is still in the thousands.

Speaking of pinning the other man down…

He hopes to be able to do that tonight. He’s let the vigilante go unhindered for long enough. It was time for them to have a little talk. Preferably a short one. He’s tired and temperamental tonight. The day has been long, and all he really wants is someone to help bear the load, but… he can never be so vulnerable. Not with just anyone, particularly, and there’s no one he trusts around tonight. That’s part of the reason why he’d decided to come out and fly around.

That, and because he’d gotten a pretty reliable tip that Spider-Man was going to be out and about himself tonight. And they have some business to attend to.

He finds the vigilante, to his surprise, perched on the edge of the roof, legs swinging in the breeze, looking out over the city through his lense-covered eyes.

He descends from a distance, loudly enough there’s no way the other man doesn’t hear as he’s approaching. But he doesn’t move. In fact, Tony is surprised to hear it when he comes up behind him and he still hasn’t moved at all except to suddenly say, “I wondered how long it would take.”

“For what?” Tony can’t help himself; he bites, immediately, curious. Fascinated, he’d dare say. The confidence in his own abilities he must have to sound so calm, to stay put upon hearing him approach, is almost unbelievable. Either that, or he doubts his own ability to make a clean escape, and so didn’t bother. He’s not sure which option he prefers, but either way, this will be interesting.

“For you to come looking for me. Everything I’ve done to keep my identity a secret, I’m sure you’re dying to know by now.”

He says it so matter-of-fact, emotion undistinguishable in his voice. Tony tilts his head, unsure whether he should be impressed with his ability to sound so cool and self assured, or annoyed with the fact his assessment was correct.

It hardly matters. Part of the reason they had to have this chat in person was so that Tony could begin to work on figuring it out. The AI in his suit is no doubt already working on it. And he doesn’t sound like, for all his seeming self-assuredness, that he was smart enough to use a voice filter, so no doubt Jarvis is well on his way. Not that it would have stopped him, but it might have delayed the inevitable enough that he may actually have had a chance to escape this time before a verdict came in.

“I suppose you’ve got me there,” Tony finally says, after a long moment of deliberation. “I don’t suppose now that I’m here you’ll just tell me? I can go easier on you if you come quietly.”

Spider-Man lets out a bitter laugh and shakes his head. “Can. But you won’t. You could just let me go. But we both know you wouldn’t have come all the way out here just to do that.”

“Well you could go back to fighting low-level crime instead of infringing on my operations, couldn’t you?” Tony retorts. “And flattered as I am by your assessment of me-“ he can’t say much, as he’s not entirely wrong, “-I thought I’d at least give you a fair chance, first, before we go quite that far.”

“I don’t think your definition of fair chance and mine are the same.”

Tony ignores him, continuing on. “Go back to fighting your low level crime and having a good time and whatever else it is you do. Stop interfering with my operations. I’ll even give you my endorsement so the police won’t bother you.”

It’s a generous enough offer, all things considered, but the vigilante is having none of it.

He snorts. “Is that all you’ve got? Really? I expected some kind of bribe, at least.”

“Maybe if you show me you can keep your word, we could talk about it.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary. I’m not giving you my word on anything.”

“Shame. Here I thought we’d make a good team.”

“In your dreams, Stark. Just because the Avengers have given into you doesn’t mean everyone else has.”

“That would be a dream, wouldn’t it?” Tony muses, then heaves a sigh. “Fine then. Have it your way.”

For a moment, neither of them move. Then, by some unspoken signal, Tony’s hand comes up, repulsor glowing red hot, just as Spider-Man shoots his first web.

The shot hits the web halfway, making them both disintegrate into thin air. Already moving, Tony flies up in the suit, only to feel a tug on his leg halting his upward momentum — a web. In the second it takes for his suit to disintegrate that one, as well, he’s being covered in more, the force of them pelting him back into the roof, feet sticking to the concrete and torso forced back against one of the light poles, sticky and irritating.

Of course he’d figured out a way to make it so the webs didn’t stick long to his suit as soon as the Spider-Man had made an appearance, but it wasn’t perfect, yet. Couldn’t be without the formula. So while he wasn’t pinned down for long, it’s just enough to get on his nerves.

Even more so because for all his big talk, he’s not actually fighting. Spider-Man pinned him down… and fled.

Well, that just wouldn’t do, would it?

Tony engages the full force of his throttles to just break through the webs faster, and gives chase. He can’t just let him get away with that, after all.

As he flies, he gives himself a minute to focus on the internal calculations flashing in front of his eyes. “How are we doing, Jarvis?”

“Nearly there, sir. Calculations based on body scan and public records have erased quite a few suspects. Cross referencing voice clips with all accessible video including the remaining suspects, but the sheer number is immense. I require a bit of time.”

“I’ve given you a bit of time. I need a name, Jarvis. Something for blackmail. I need to end this tonight.” He doesn’t have time for playing games with the Spider-Man, especially because he’s managed to disappear so effectively every time he tries to. He doesn’t know when he’ll find him again if he doesn’t tonight, and he has a lot of things happening in the near future he does not want messed with.

If he doesn’t find the information he needs, then this night isn’t going to end near as pleasantly as he’d hoped.

Spider-Man is fast, swinging through the city, but not fast enough to shake him. Especially not with his AI’s ability to analyze his every move and know where he’s going to turn next.

He lets him swing around for several minutes, pretending to give chase and hoping to tire him out. He has to just be waiting for him to get bored or lose sight of him so he can drop in somewhere and hide until he leaves or take off the suit to blend in with everyone else. Unfortunately for him, that trick isn’t going to work on him the way it probably does for normal people.

Tony just lets him swing around and tire himself out with him in hot pursuit, then, when he’s sure he has to be running out of energy — and webbing, he could hope — he flies up, into the clouds, dodging and weaving and utilizing his tech to keep an eye on the vigilante while staying out of his line of sight.

It works. Spider-Man drops onto a nearby roof, stumbling a little and bracing himself against a light pole. With a dangerous grin, Tony swoops down to meet him.

By the time he hears him coming and spins around, it’s too late. Tony closes the suit’s hand around his throat and flies him forcefully into the wall of the rooftop exit. Brick crumbles around his outline at the force of the impact, and the lenses of the suit go wide as he claws at his throat.

Almost at the same time as the impact, a picture flashes up in the visor of his helmet. “One almost perfect potential match, sir.”

For a second, Tony just stares at it. Looks through the analytics and double checks them. Then he laughs, unable to help himself. It’s just unbelievable enough that it explains so much. So young — hardly even a man. Spiderling, then, more so than Spider-Man. And even better — an omega. No wonder no one looked twice at this kid before as a potential threat.

He lets the helmet melt away, now, and looks down at the kid, grip around his throat tightening just a little as he watches him wheeze out a breath. His hand around Tony’s wrist is tight, tight enough his suit issues a warning, but not enough to actually dislodge his hand.

“So.” Tony tilts his head. “We meet again, Spiderling. Should probably stop doing that, hm?” He gets a strangled sound in answer, which is about all he could expect, really. He just shrugs. “Oh well. It’s not like it’ll happen much after tonight. Because I’m going to put an end to this, right here.” He leans forward, helmet reappearing— just in case he would do something like try to head butt him, because frankly, while it wouldn’t work, it would hurt — until their noses are almost brushing through their respective suits. “Last chance, Spiderling. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Are you gonna be a big boy about this or not?”

Tony releases his throat just enough for him to draw in a few breaths to answer. He holds his breath as the vigilante sucks in a few huge gulps of air before spitting out, “Go to hell, Stark.”

Tony just chuckles, clicking his tongue. “Oh, I will, I’m sure. But at this rate, you’re going to get there first.” He presses him a little harder against the wall, grip tightening again and ignoring the way the bits of brick and concrete pour down around them like rain. “I didn’t want to do this, kid, truly. But if you think I won’t kill you, you’re wrong. And if you think your loved ones won’t be targets if you don’t quit your shit, you’d also be wrong. I don’t like to be cruel, but I am what you make me, and I won’t stand for this any longer, Peter.”

The use of his name has a visible impact on the kid. He gasps, and his grip on his wrist tightens enough around the metal of his suit that it bends around his fingers and it actually hurts. Tony’s grip around his throat slackens a little automatically, and he frowns. It’s weird. It almost… burns? That’s not what a bruise or metal cut should feel like...

And then he hears it. The teen sucks in a breath, and in a broken, raspy whisper, gasps, “Please don’t...”

The effect is instantaneous. The slight burning in his wrist turns into a wildfire, like a brand, hot and burning and fuck does it hurt for that second. He responds automatically, jerking his hand back as if scalded, and watching almost in slow motion as the younger man crumples to the floor. It takes a moment longer than it probably should for him to realize exactly what’s happening, and then the suit melts off his body and he stares in horror as the color seems to settle in his soul words, now shining a bold black from where they sit on the inside of his left wrist.

Heart thundering in his chest, he stares for a long minute before snapping out of it and rushing to his side. He’s passed out, now, though from lack of oxygen or shock or what, he can’t be sure right now.

Carefully, so carefully, he tugs off his mask, both wanting to see his face for real and knowing he should see how bad the damage to his throat is. It catches him off guard at first, how gorgeous he is, and then how young, despite Jarvis already showing him both of those things earlier. He’s still marveling, though. Could this really be his soulmate? Oh, what is he going to do?

He forces the thoughts away for a moment, checking Peter’s throat. It’s ringed with finger-shaped bruises, but it doesn’t look too severe. He leans his head down, listening at his chest. Now that he’s got proper airflow back he doesn’t seem to be wheezing or otherwise struggling to breathe. So he should be fine.

Fine, physically, except for the fact that he’s Tony’s soulmate. That they’re branded together now, a link between their very souls keeping them from being able to end this in a way either of them would have imagined.

It’s funny. With how long he’d wanted this, he should be ecstatic. Instead he’s just… numb. A whole host of emotions rages inside him, and he can’t allow himself to acknowledge any of them until he figures out what to do.

For now, there’s only really one thing he can do. His soulmate is hurt, in more ways than one. He needs medical attention, to a certain extent, and they need to talk. Waiting around here until Peter wakes up isn’t going to be ideal for fixing either of those things.

So he bends down and scoops Peter up, cradling his unconscious form close to him. Then, with a tired sigh, he takes to the skies again, carrying them back towards the tower, glowing in the distance like a lighthouse in the sand, beckoning him to shore.

He has a feeling actually finding the shore is going to be a long time coming, but this is the first step he can take to finding it. He just hopes they’ll both be able to tread through these rough waters long enough to get there.

[pensivetense]

*vague high pitched noises in the direction of you OG!Elias hot takes*

I love them, if you have any more pls share.

Also; OG!Elias & Jonah friendship/relationship any more thoughts on that???

Ahhh thank you very much!! I Am Not Immune To The Inherent Intimacy Of Bodysharing. I’ve rambled a bit about them here but I always have more thoughts :)

(Okay this took me FOREVER to get to I’m so sorry—the sleep deficit I’ve been running on the week has been insane and the words just didn’t want to word.)

I have a whole backstory for ogElias that lives in my head, and is completely not based in anything canonical, but anyway:

I know that Jonah probably just picks who’s most convenient at the time but Elias accidentally had to go and embody one of my deepest fears and I can’t just let that go so In My Head Jonah picks Elias initially because he’s perfectly suited to the Eye. He’s from a large old family that Jonah actually looks into carefully just in case they’re secretly Lukas-adjacent because they’re just kind of awful. (He might court the Lonely but he’s careful not to invite it in too far—he knows he’s not invulnerable to it.)

But no, the Bouchards are just what they appear to be—a family with too much money and self-importance and history to make up for what they lack in character, and who have as a result become obsessed with public optics, to the detriment of their children. Pulling off the semblance of being a stable, socially presentable family is far more important to them than actual connections, and so Elias and his siblings grow up under the oppressive eye of their parents, who are always scrutinizing how they act, speak, dress, etc. to preserve their public image. Predictably this is hell on everyone involved, but where Elias’s siblings manage to scrape together either the will to pretend or actually absorbing the philosophy, Elias is the family disappointment. Okay so in my head he’s trans, but really there are any number of things that would earn the disappointment of a family obsessed w/ optics. I imagine them as being the unfortunately gaslighty kinds of people who are always going on about how he should just act the way they want him to because ‘they know who he really is better than he does’ or some awfulness like that.

So from this he’s had to actually cultivate a very strongly self-protective sense of identity. He’s going to be him, and he’ll fight to the death to preserve his individuality against a lot of pressure to conform. But on the flipside of that, he’s actually not in a very good place because while he’s cultivated a very definitive self image, he’s terrified of letting anyone actually get close enough to see the real him through the image because the constant judgement has worn on him to the point that he doesn’t want to let anyone have the leverage of being able to dismiss or attack his sense of self.

So this is the perfect combination of traits for Jonah’s purposes—Elias is isolated, terrified of being seen because that makes him vulnerable and equally terrified of not being seen/having his selfhood acknowledged.

What Jonah utterly fails to take into account is just how well they’re suited to each other. Because both of them are incredibly self-protective people but in different directions—Jonah’s willing to sacrifice his identity in order to preserve his life, and Elias is the sort of person who would wouldn’t care about dying if he could be guaranteed an honest eulogy. So in a certain sense they share enough of a personality type and sort of survivalist mentality to fundamentally understand each other, even when they hate each other. Furthermore, Elias is so used to having to defend himself against assaults on his basic sense of self that he’s actually quite resilient in that regard, and though watching his life be stolen without anyone even noticing is literally his most primal terror, Jonah can’t just shove him to the back of their headspace and forget about him, or whatever he’s done with previous hosts. In a sense, Elias has the one rebellion left to him of choosing to remain himself after all of the rest of his choices are taken from him, and this is also partially why he ‘forgets’ to be angry at Jonah—because in a certain sense it’s an assertion of his personality to purposefully maintain all of the parts of himself, and not just what’s filtered through his fear and anger.

Usually when Jonah monologues at his hosts it’s for the purpose of torturing them, but unfortunately he finds that he actually? Enjoys Elias’s company when Elias is forgetting to be angry? And it’s about the most secure relationship he can possibly cultivate because he has total control of the situation, so he lets himself start to like Elias, in the same sort of resigned way that Elias starts to like him. For Elias, his choices have suddenly been narrowed down to nearly none, so he may as well make the best of an objectively awful situation. For Jonah, Elias is absolutely ‘safe’ because he’s powerless to affect the world in any meaningful way, so Jonah may as well indulge himself in all of the socialization he’s missed since his original body. (He has such a wide network of friends and acquaintances in the 1800s that he must be a people person.)

I think that under the right circumstances they could influence each other in positive ways—Elias could make Jonah a little less self-destructive, and having Jonah’s attention and regard would allow Elias to relax his guardedness. So in a sense they both make each other care a little more about the aspects of life that they’ve decided are disposable/unimportant to their survival by seeing those aspects through the other’s eyes, so to speak. This allows them both to actually start enjoying more things about life—Elias wants to know who Jonah is as a person and is disappointed when he finds out that Jonah doesn’t seem to put much thought or effort into himself, and Jonah’s adamant desire to not die starts to infect Elias a little with a willingness to adapt in order to survive, at which point he really starts to examine what he wants out of this relationship.

Unfortunately, this is where the inherent power imbalance rears its head, because if Jonah genuinely starts to care about Elias as a person he’s going to realise just how permanently he fucked their relationship from the start. Quite apart from the whole body-snatching thing, they can’t get the space from each other or the autonomy that a partnership of equals demands, and of course they can’t have a partnership of equals because Jonah’s got literal supernatural powers and centuries of age on Elias and is also effectively his jailer. Whether he can or cannot cede any physical autonomy to Elias if he wants, he also has to choose how much influence he allows Elias to have over him as a person and in terms of decisions.

I think by this point Elias knows absolutely everything about the Mass Ritual, because Jonah overshares because he’s socially starved and also because the Eye likes it, so the way I see it is on one extreme, Elias takes a definitive moral stand and they end up in a really yearn-y relationship where they’re always together but can’t really be together, or on the other he just says fuck it and decides to be evil, too, partially as a way of asserting control over his situation, and they end up being extremely codependent. (And of course any mixture of the two.)

But in particular, because I’m a massive fan of Elias killing Jonah, I like the former scenario because he’d do it if he got the opportunity but it would hurt, but he’d have to because I think that no matter what, if Jonah had complete control, he’d never give that up or turn aside from his immortality quest, in love or not.

More miscellany:

-I like the idea of Elias being the one who’s got the methodical/logical way of thinking, vs Jonah as the imaginative/intuitive one. Jonah’s got his moments of high drama despite the bland bureaucrat persona, and I like the idea of Elias as working as a file clerk on purpose because he likes paperwork and organisation and he could not care less about the degree that his family made him go and get.

(Original post of takes here )

[infinitecapacities]

Goals

Mental

1. To stop comparing myself to others. I can feel confident pretty easily by dressing up, putting on some makeup, and doing my hair nice. But what instantly seems to ruin it is my mind looking at other people and wishing I had what they have. I know that others beauty should not take away from my own, but yet I cannot help but diminish myself and sometimes start to feel insecure in the presence of others. This is something I need to work on mentally, I have to realize that no physical attribute that I achieve will conquer this. There will always be someone who WE perceive as better. However, there is only one me, and I am special in many ways. I do not need to try and be like anyone else. I need to be at peace with myself and fully accept that no matter how I look in comparison of others I am good enough.

2. Presence. This is something that I have gotten much better at. Fully focusing on the moment and what I am doing when I am doing it. With social media there are constant ways to distract yourself. One thing that I was doing unconsciously for a while was being on my phone any time I ate a meal. Before I even realized it, I was done with my meal and I had barely enjoyed it. Consequently, I craved more food, never really feeling satisfied. Now I am very aware of when I do this and always focus back to really enjoying my food and being thankful for how it is nourishing me. I have found that I am always satisfied after eating when I put my full presence into the act of consuming and enjoying my food. This goes with anything I do now, working out, doing homework, making my bed, getting dressed; anytime I do something with presence it turns out infinitely times better than if I did it while my mind wandered. I want to be free from anxiety always, to always do things with focus and intention. I want to really utilize my time and feel accomplished each day. I want to be organized and clean. I want to enjoy every second of the day.

3. Trust. Now this is a heavy one that I really need to work on more. There are a lot of parts of me that I still have not healed. I fully recognize that I not only have a hard time trusting other people, but I also have a hard time trusting myself. I constantly doubt everything. Whether it is right or wrong, whether I should do this or that, whether it is good or bad, I do not believe in it or even my own intuition. I find myself never really believing what anyone says, and at the same time easily lying to people. What I need to do is open my heart, be vulnerable, and live my truth even if I will feel uncomfortable or judged. To just set myself free from the fear. I have to let down my walls and let down my guard and trust that what is meant for me will simply be and I do not need to try to control things all of the time. I want to be able to love easily, to give to people with no expectations. I want to radiate sweetness and tenderness. I want to be able to express myself without holding back. I want to open up to the people in my life even if they will not understand.

Physical

1. Skin. Now this has been an issue for way too long. I am so proud of how far I have come. I have accepted this part of myself more than ever before, although it is my biggest insecurity still. More than anything, I really just want to make sure that everything that I am eating, drinking, and everything that I am applying to my skin is good for it. I want to be glowing from the inside out. I want people to compliment me on the work that I put in to get it to the smoothest clearest texture. I want to feel confident without makeup on. I want to be able to look people in the eye when they stare at me. I want to feel confident when they look at my side profile. I want to not have to hide behind my hair or makeup all the time. I want my skin to feel clean and calm and hydrated all the time.

2. Body. The main thing about my body I have been wanting to change is my weight. This first came about when I weighed myself and saw that I had gained 15+ pounds than the last time I was weighed. I had also noticed that I needed to get bigger sizes. It really hit me when I started looking back at past photos and thinking about how much skinnier I was before. I recognize now how in the past, I did things to my body for others not myself, and this is what started problems. I started going to the gym for my ex-boyfriend, not for myself. He said that I should so I started feeling insecure, and going to the gym often just made me more insecure because I felt like I was not doing enough. I just kind of did it just because I thought it would make him and other people like me more. Then quarantine hit just after my consistency at the gym started picking up, and then because my skin was at its worst, I forced myself to work out more because I felt that my body was the only beautiful thing about me left. Still, instead of feeling better it just made me critique my body more. Going to college after is really changed my body the most. Since high school I have always just eaten when I was hungry. Besides being pescatarian I never limited my diet based on insecurity. I naturally did not often over eat or under eat and I did not force myself to work out at the gym either. At that time I was always happy with my body. So when college came around and I had the unlimited meal plan, I had other people responsible for what I ate and when I ate, and I tried to get as much food as I could when they were serving. Combined with excessive drinking, I ate more and rarely felt satisfied. Food was accessible to me and I took advantage of it without really appreciating it. I was often sick. I also went a period where I could barely eat due to depression. I had panic attacks. I was living with a model who always looked perfect and so I hid my body more. So long story short I have been critiquing my body so much ever since the weight gain. Over the summer I tried different things and drastically limited my diet but I did not see much of a difference. I now know what I need to do. I just need to simply eat what my body craves and drink lots of water. Simply nourish my body with nutrient dense, fulfilling meals that make me FEEL GOOD. I love eating fruits and vegetables and so I will. I have felt so much more confident and less harsh on myself because my goal is not to be skinny or even lose weight it is to just be healthy. I am much more intentional about what I put into my body and I enjoy planning my meals and cooking them. I want to be able to know that I have to wear a swim suit and not have the urge to starve myself. I want to love my body. I want to feel energized, radiant, confident, beautiful, sexy, and most of all healthy. 

Spiritual 

1. Connect more with God/spirit. Lately I have been studying a variety of different philosophies and religions. The ones that resonate with me the most have been Buddhism and Hinduism but I believe every religion has validity that is meaningful. Do I know if there is a God? Yes and no. It is kind of hard for me to understand why things are the way they are, why God did all this. And so I question if there really is one and what he represents and how I am supposed to connect with him. At the same time, there is so much evidence in my own life that I am being guided and protected by something divine. I am so thankful my mom taught me very young to form a relationship to spirituality. She told me and my sister to pick something symbolic of our angels watching out for us, for her it was a white feather. I had a few different symbols but none were very convincing. I eventually decided on dragonflies, because I thought they were beautiful creatures and I was fascinated by them, and they are something you do not often see. Since making this decision, I have seen dragonflies every time I need a sign when I am most down or scared or confused. There is divine powers that are helping me navigate life, and I want to become more in touch with them and listen to their wisdom. This includes meditating, praying, reading, and journaling, because we can gain a lot of wisdom from within and from others stories as well, and our thoughts contribute so much to influencing the energetic field of the entire world. I want to feel good about my way of life. I want to learn more about spirituality and how it can better the world. I want to trust that there is more than meets the eye and have inner peace that there is a divine plan in everything. 

2. Do shadow work.

[puppyenergy]

What do you think of resonance within the DID community? For example, a well known system had a major integration and within the same week like twenty+ systems also had a major integration whereas the general consensus on and understanding of integration had been completely different the previous week

Hi anon! This is an awesome question. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic. So much, actually, this ended up being an extremely long post. Sorry for the big chunk of everyone’s dash I just took up here.

I don’t necessarily think looking solely at the DID community is the right answer here. I think to find the answer as to why this sort of phenomenon happens, you have to look at social media influencers. I’m not the most knowledgeable person about this kind of stuff, but lately I’ve been watching a lot of videos about how influencers can impact their audience.

Influencers actually become influencers because they have formed an emotional connection with their fans. They are essentially a celebrity to their audience’s eyes, but as an influencer, there is an emotional connection with the audience so they don’t feel as distant as real celebrities do. The audience might relate to them on a personal level and feel like the influencer understands them even if they haven’t actually met. This all establishes a position of power for the influencer over the audience.

In some videos I watched, I learned how influencers can easily manipulate their own audience; whether they intend for it or not. I watched how some influencers would feel like someone had wronged them, then would outright ask their fans to attack that person. As a result, all the fans would harass this person. However, more often I’d see influencers who didn’t outright ask their fans to attack someone. But they wouldn’t say “I don’t condone harassment, do not attack anyone.” And as a result, their fans still attacked the person who had “wronged” them.

There’s multiple reasons that factor into why stuff like this happens. Things such as the audience member’s age, what the situation itself was, how the influencer presented it, what kind of information they revealed about the other person, etc. People might feel like they love their favorite influencer so much they just want to help them, or they might want to help ‘cancel’ the person who wronged them so the influencer notices them, or they might just be pissed off that someone they care about has been wronged, or they might feel like the influencer was ‘subtly’ telling them to attack the person even if they didn’t outright say it. But either way, the situation was brought to their computer screen.

It really gave a lot of perspective into how some people miss the memo when they go from just a person on the internet to social media influencer, and they end up hurting not only themself but also so many others. Being an influencer is being a role model. To give a bit of personal perspective: Even though I think this is in no way comparable to youtube, I had a sideblog where I put more trauma-related content and vent art on. But suddenly it got 5k+ followers out of nowhere and it no longer felt like a personal diary to me. I suddenly realized that was 5k+ people (presumably also trauma survivors) that I was now effecting, and I did NOT want to put anti-recovery or unhealthy shit on their dash. I was now a role model to them, so I shifted all the content on that blog to pro-recovery and I started posting all my vents to a private blog.

In the long run, it actually felt a lot healthier for myself, as well.

So now what happens if the social media influencer makes their content around DID? Obviously, people with DID are going to be the majority of their fanbase, but it’s a bit more complicated than that. Because the DID/OSDD community is a minority group. We fit under the umbrella of disability, and the even smaller umbrella of mental illness, and the even tinier umbrella of DID/OSDD. Now imagine being an influencer for that tiny tiny umbrella.

In my honest opinion, I feel like the impact influencers have on this community is much stronger in a way where it even effects people who aren’t fans of this influencer. Sometimes, it pretty much effects the entire online DID/OSDD community- which I have seen happen many times before.

To give a non-personal example, I saw when the community took a shift towards obsessively trying to call out “fake systems” within the community, because there was a very popular and well-respected blog at the time who started airing their opinions on why they believed it was okay to doubt the legitimacy of other people’s disorders. They started posting “criteria” for “system faking” and posting things about Imitative DID. Obviously, it caused a huge panic within the community, and a lot of denial. Then, there was an onslaught of witchhunting/callout blogs created after it.

I feel like I’ve even been the result of some changes, myself.

Sometimes posts of mine have gotten popular and have been repeated by more popular influencers. Then, immediately, I had seen a shift in how the online community behaved. Knowing that I could even just make a post and an influencer could see it and decide to make a video based on it is a lot to take in. That’s a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. What if someone decided to make a video on something misinformed or harmful? What if I was misinformed or harmful and I didn’t know it?

But then when I compared it to how I treated my sideblog, I realized that this responsibility was actually essential to how I should’ve been treating my posts about DID/OSDD in the first place. You should be careful about what you say about these incredibly vulnerable and stigmatized disorders, even if you have one of them. It’s something that needs to be treated with the sensitivity that it deserves. People with DID/OSDD need to be treated with the sensitivity that they deserve. And, for some reason, we are just so, so hard on ourselves, our disorder, and on each other.

But I’m talking about social media influencers as if they’re a bad thing. I don’t think they’re a bad thing. Nothing is ever black or white.

There’s so much good that can and has come out of what DID/OSDD influencers have done. For example, awareness and education about DID/OSDD is finally starting to become more accessible and known. People have this space where they can realize that they’re not alone and that their experiences are real and valid. People can be encouraged to known when they need help and how to seek help. Singlets finally can learn what DID/OSDD looks like for one person, and even if it doesn’t look like that for everyone, at least they have a real life example instead of just a horror movie or bad writing as their only knowledge of this disorder. It can also insight professionals to take DID/OSDD more seriously, or even encourage more research and support for their disorders. It can lessen stigma and misconceptions.

So why is it if a DID/OSDD influencer says they’ve had an integration, then so many people in the community start to say they’re having integrations as well? Here’s my personal thoughts on this.

I actually think the people in the online DID/OSDD community are essentially primed to always try to "know” and label what they’re experiencing, even if they’re wrong. I think this happens because of a combination of how denial screws with us, how the internet treats disabled people, and peer pressure within the DID/OSDD community. So, if you take how social media influencers influence their audience, and you also add all of that shit, I think it’s pretty normal for a bunch of people to suddenly say they’re integrating as well after their favorite influencer integrated.

Sometimes they’re wrong and just using a label that makes the most sense to them based on what they’ve seen or learned. Sometimes they’re right and they’ve finally discovered the term for what they’re going through. Sometimes they’re just so attached to what they watched or read that they might actually perceive it to be happening to themself too. Sometimes they were already experiencing this and the influencer gave them the courage to speak out about their own experiences as well. Or maybe it was all just a coincidence.

Imo, none of that is bad. It’s not bad to try and figure out what you’re experiencing. It’s not bad to be wrong about what you’re experiencing. No one is obligated to figure these things out or put words to them, but a lot of people want to try. It’s normal to make mistakes along the way. DID is already so confusing and there’s also so much misinformation about it floating around as well. No one is at fault for being victim to misinformation. What matters is that you educate yourself and you own up to and apologize for any harm you might have done while you were misinformed.

Anyways, sorry this post was so long lol sdkglhskdg. I hope at least some of it made sense. I have a lot more thoughts about this topic but this post is just way too long now, I don’t want to keep you for any longer. If you read all of it: thanks! you’re one cool cucumber!

[bubonickitten]

MAG 167 spoilers

I am once again back to obsessing over Gertrude and Jon as narrative foils!!

And just – the narrative does such a great job of using that foil to illustrate Jon’s neverending struggle with his own humanity. Because although Gertrude didn’t embrace her Archivist powers in the same way that Jon sometimes does, she was arguably monstrous in her own way -- in ways that Jon ultimately isn’t. 

I keep thinking back to Jon’s conversation with Gerry, in particular this bit:

GERARD: Well, she could make people tell her stuff, sometimes. They’d suddenly get real talkative, and lay out whatever she needed. She didn’t do it often though. I don’t think she liked it.

JON: Oh, er, I can do that, too.

GERARD: Huh. Do you like it?

JON: I – I don’t know. I never really thought about it. Yes, I… I suppose I do.

GERRY: Hmmm.

I think after his coma, Jon has a much more negative view of his abilities, but early on, he admits that there’s a part of him that does like being able to compel people. It fits, honestly – of course someone like Jon, so intolerant of mysteries, so prone to overthinking, so full of questions and so voracious for answers, fresh out of a paranoid episode that left him unable to trust any answer that anyone offered him, would like having the option to ask a question and receive a guaranteed answer and to know that the given answer was the truth. At least until he no longer has control over it, finds himself accidentally compelling people and unable to stop knowing things even when he doesn’t want to.

But even if Gertrude was further from the supernatural aspects of the Archivist role, she was still ruthless in her crusade. Her conviction and boldness made her a badass, certainly, but at what cost? The answer depends heavily on how you feel about utilitarianism as an ethical philosophy.

Gertrude Robinson would have a clear answer to the trolley problem and not apologize for it. Jonathan Sims would agonize over all the potential choices and outcomes until he’s paralyzed with indecision. (Annabelle Cane knew exactly what she was doing when she gave him that statement about the nature of free will in a moment where he was struggling so profoundly with self-doubt.)

People are always comparing Jon to Gertrude, telling him that he’d be better off behaving more like her, urging him to accept the premise that ruthlessness is a strength in a world that offers only fear and pain, and that humanity is a weakness and a liability that he doesn’t have the luxury to indulge.

And in Season 4, he tries that philosophy on for a brief while. The Eye drives him to compel people to tell their stories; he starves if he doesn’t obey that instinct. He feeds the Eye the trauma of innocent bystanders, and now he’s the monster haunting the dreams of his victims. (And, to his credit, that’s what he ultimately refers to them as: victims. He uses that word. That’s significant.)

When Basira witnesses him do that and calls him out on it, Jon replies by pointing out that Basira (among others) told him that he should be more like Gertrude: “She got the job done and didn’t care about the cost.” 

Basira responds, “But I thought you did.” 

And that highlights the fundamental difference between Jon and Gertrude! He’d temporarily forgotten that – he’d lost touch with that piece of himself, of his humanity. It makes sense; everyone around him saw him as a monster, and it’s hard to believe in your own humanity when no one else does, when everyone around you is building a self-fulfilling prophecy for you.

It takes Martin reaching out in the only way that he can – urging the others to talk to him – for Jon to wake up and admit that what he’s doing isn’t right and that he needs to do something to stop it. He goes back and forth with himself for a bit – Does he have any control? Is he doing it on autopilot? Is the Web influencing him? – but ultimately he decides that, no, he has to hold himself accountable. Helen asks him if he’s sure he didn’t want to do it, and he takes that hard-to-swallow pill and engages in some introspection and comes to the conclusion, Yeah, while supernatural influence is at play here, I made a choice.

BUT if he made a choice, it means that he can make a different choice going forward. He doesn’t have to be the monster that everyone else expects him to be. He doesn’t have to traumatize others in the same way that he’s been traumatized. (And, eventually, maybe he can learn to see himself as Martin sees him.) And he changes his behavior accordingly!

I keep thinking of Jon’s comment on Gertrude sacrificing Michael to end the Spiral’s Ritual:

“I thought moving away from my humanity would have made that seem more acceptable. That sort of sacrifice… But it just makes me sad. I remembered Gertrude’s notebook. We found it alongside the plastic explosives, but it rather got lost amongst the business of… saving the world at the cost of two lives.”

And this comment, from one of Jon’s many navel-gazing arguments with himself over the nature of humanity and how he fits into that:

“Why were we chosen? …Is there destiny here? Bloodlines, and prophecies? Or did we just – stumble into this. Maybe… maybe we’re the opposite of Agnes. Maybe our doubts are exactly what we need.”  

What keeps Jon in touch with Jonathan Sims, human and distinct from The Archivist/The Archive isn’t just an anchor/reason (Martin) or his own intense guilt, but that capacity for doubt. I mean, it does feed into his self-loathing and it’s unhealthy for him in a number of ways, but that doubt is also what saves him from fully becoming the thing he fears, in a way?

It’s interesting how that doubt and questioning feeds into his innate curiosity. That incessant need to know, even if his discoveries might destroy him, to go with Gerry’s definition of Beholding, is Jon’s fatal flaw, and it’s what makes him so well-suited to the Eye, but it’s also so very human.

That, along with Jon’s choice to change his behavior throughout the story is, imo, the strongest argument in favor of his humanity.

From where Jon is standing, every other Avatar has become so divorced from their prior self that they barely resemble humans anymore. But the question of free will is nebulous for most of the Avatars. 

Some of the Avatars seem to have sought out the power that overtook them, or at the very least openly embraced it. Jude Perry sought to destroy others to make herself feel more alive long before she met Agnes; the Desolation just lent her the power to do so to a greater degree, and she leaned into it. Jared Hopworth was already a bully; becoming the Boneturner just gave him a new way to express that preexisting pattern of behavior. 

Some of the others stumbled into it out of sheer bad luck, or in some way attracted a certain power. They were initially afraid, and typically resisted, but eventually were overtaken – or… gave in? Because that’s the recurring question: How much choice is involved?

Take Oliver Banks: 

“The thing is, Jon, right now you have a choice. You’ve put it off a long time, but it’s trapping you here. You’re not quite human enough to die, but still too human to survive…. I made a choice. We all made choices. Now you have to.”

Or Daisy: 

“I hate a lot of what I did back then; doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t me.”  

Even if some of the Avatars could have done something differently to avoid their ultimate fate, they didn’t necessarily deserve that fate. Helen Richardson could have not opened the door, but opening a door out of curiosity shouldn’t be a punishable offense.

And when the Distortion and Helen ‘become’ one another, it’s interesting that there’s still enough of Helen left (at least at first) for her to feel guilt and doubt over what she’s becoming, in much the same way that Jon does: 

“I took a man, wandering the halls of an old tenement…. It was nourishing, but… I didn’t like it. I feel… wrong.” 

(Side note: I understand why Jon feels like he can’t trust the Distortion, but it does make me wonder what might have gone differently if he’d maintained an open dialogue with her re: humanity vs. monstrosity, similar to the sort of understanding Jon and Daisy have after the Buried.)

The story has been asking these questions all along, but MAG 167 put it back under the microscope in an important way. It really doesn’t matter as much what Jon is, because what he does is a much better measure of humanity and goodness. 

Jon looks at his own choices, looks at Gertrude’s choices, looks at the things that neither of them had control over and looks at the things that they did, and comes to a final conclusion: 

No, he doesn’t want to be like Gertrude. Human connections are important. He needs an anchor. He needs companionship. Trust and communication don’t come naturally to him, but it’s worth confronting that vulnerability in the end, because it’s what keeps him in touch with his humanity, with who he is and who he wants to be. 

It really complements Martin’s philosophy, too. I’ve gone on and on about it before, but I still think the line that most exemplifies Martin’s character is his response to Simon Fairchild’s brand of flippant, fatalist nihilism: 

“I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever.”

It would be so easy for Jon and Martin to just... give up. Give in to self-loathing, to guilt, to loneliness, to a world gone horribly, possibly irreversibly wrong. Early on, Jon is inclined to do just that. He tells Martin that “this is no longer a world where you can trust comfort.” But what does Martin do instead? He comforts Jon. He puts comfort into a world where it seems like none can exist. It doesn’t matter if that gesture is significant in the grand scheme of things -- however you want to define significance on a cosmic level. In that moment, Martin cared, and that mattered to him, and it mattered to Jon, and that fact won’t change, even when they’re both dead and gone. 

It’s... really the same stubborn sentiment that Jon offered in the Lonely, and Martin is mirroring it back when Jon needs it most. 

They make an active choice to build a relationship, to try to make a change for the better. Even if it ends in failure, the fact that they tried is still significant. Jon looks at how Gertrude lived her life, compares it with his past and current choices, and (rightly imo) comes to the conclusion that, yeah, it hurts to trust and to care, but it’s worth it, and it’s necessary if they want to survive (and, of course, he also doesn’t just want to survive). It’s just... a very brave, very compassionate, and very human way of confronting the end of the world. 

[livlepretre]

For the fanfic ask game: R?

Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence? 

ooooh I was asked this question twice so I’m going to split this up-- I’ll give the fanfic writers who have really influenced me in this response! 

@innermostplanet  (Mercurie on ao3) --- I can’t actually overstate how influential her fic The Hangman’s Hands has been in my writing, especially just in terms of studying the nuts and bolts of how to put together the structure of a sweeping, dramatic, epic story. Besides the fact that I could fangirl for days about this masterpiece-- it’s still my favorite fic of all time like eight years after first reading it??? which, in retrospect, is probably why I learned so much from it: I had that unique level of laser focus on this fic for years as I merrily speculated away and dissected its structure and characterizations for foreshadowing hints-- it’s also just such a gem in terms of how it is put together. For a little background, this is an MCU fic set post-Avengers 1 that largely focuses on the criminally underused Jane Foster, with a triangulated set of relationships (Jane x Thor and Jane x Loki, as well as an intense focus on the brotherly relationship between Thor and Loki). Some things I learned from THH: 

how to have your regular human!main character basically bargain and scheme and get the upper hand against massively imbalanced power dynamics through hook and by crook-- as you all know, my favorite theme

how an action sequence should always service the emotional impacts of the story-- and how it’s also such a good opportunity for strange and beautiful descriptions and worldbuilding? 

this is kind of more meta, but just thinking about the fandom/source material of the fic universe and interweaving those elements into the story-- the ways in which Norse mythology was interwoven into THH literally made me feel breathless and giddy as I read, and I think about that a lot in terms of vampire genre/the mothership-- Dracula-- when I write my own fic 

also there was this scene early on where Loki and Jane were sitting across the table and there was some throw away line like, “only later did Jane realize that they were so caught up in their conversation/collaboration that they forgot they were supposed to be enemies” and at the time I was like pffttt whatever classic enemies-to-lovers-soft!set up line-- and then it turned out that Loki was lying and manipulating Jane on purpose and like. I 404 errored when that happened. that was the writer using my own assumptions about how fics relationships develop and my own knowledge of the tropes against me and it changed my life. 

Other writers who have had a HUGE impact on me: 

@herself-nyc (Herself / Herself_nyc) -- her spuffy fic is just so emotionally spectacular. Like, there’s something just so complex and raw about the difficult dynamic described, and she’s never afraid to write the characters into just gut-wrenching situations. I think I got a lot of my ideas about exploring the more wretched aspects of being in love from her fic-- the parts where those feelings can make you lonely, alienated, unhappy even with the object of your affections, vulnerable. The ways in which people sometimes hide from each other, or themselves, and sometimes rip their own masks off. She writes angst like none other, and hers are honestly the only sex scenes I ever enjoy reading (and a lot of my thoughts about the emotional mileage you can get from a well-written comes from her work-- I’ll literally never be over Let’s Get Lost or Disenchantment). Also, I think I’ve learned more from her writing style than from anyone else’s. I could read her work forever. 

@cocoartistwrites (cocoartist) -- unsphere the stars taught me so much about how to write a really complex, hard, beautiful character arc that takes no prisoners, that takes the story and the characters into really dark and seemingly hopeless abysses, and then how to keep climbing and rise up out of that abyss with hope and hard-work and the magic inherent to a boundless heart and an open mind. This is a tomione fic, and it’s absolutely gripping and stunning how Tom is just twisted and strange and deadly, while still curious and thoughtful and rather dashing he is-- but it’s Hermione who just shines. There were times where I forgot this was a tomione fic (gasp!) and was just so absorbed by Hermione’s journey, both the cruelty of the hand she was dealt and the ways in which she built her life back up from the ashes (and remakes the world in her image-- gaahhhhhhhh). It’s such a deep character study, and has so many just stunning, simple lines of dialogue, of breathless description, almost like reading a myth for the first time. (And, for the record, the romance is top-knotch-- you understand why Hermione falls for Tom (HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER QUITE MEASURED UP SLAY ME NOW) and also why she can never really stay with him-- and also why she fights for him in the end, impossibly.) The character work and the imagery and the tone in this are really just impeccable and have burned in my brain ever since. 

[tlbodine]

Why Isn’t “Mass Shooter” a Modern Horror Monster?

Horror reflects the anxieties of the culture that produces it. In the 1950s, we got monster movies about radiation-mutated creatures and invaders from beyond the stars, mirroring our Cold War Science fears. 

In the 1970s, as “Women’s Liberation” and birth control went mainstream, we see an influx of horrors settled on childbirth and children and family dysfunction. 

And as the 70s bled into the 80s, while real-world serial killers were leaving behind trails of victims, the masked psycho was dominating the field with countless slashers. 

But now -- throughout the 2010s -- mass shootings loom large our our collective American consciousness. Hardly a week goes by without hearing of one somewhere, and they inspire fear and terror. Yet we haven’t seen them show up to dominate horror media in the way serial killers do -- what’s up with that? 

Horror-media discussion about gun violence under the cut! 

Before we get started, a caveat: There is media about school shootings. It’s just not usually horror. Most, as you can see from IMDB, is family drama: https://www.imdb.com/list/ls070532039/

And none of them are really particularly mainstream, not in the way we associate with slasher films. 

So what’s the difference? Why is a killer with an axe more compelling as a film monster than a killer with a gun? 

Some hypotheses: 

Primacy: Because mass shootings are frequently in the news/public discussion, it’s always “too soon” - the real-life horror is too horrifying for entertainment. Sounds good on paper, but why isn’t that true for slashers? Those movies were popular when serial killers were at their most active. 

Politics: Perhaps political motives are influencing the market. Since gun control is a contentious topic, maybe some powers are motivated toward censorship. But wouldn’t that also censor the family drama type movies? Why would it focus on horror especially? 

Logistics: It’s just really hard to make a good horror movie about a mass shooting. Guns kill people pretty quickly and indiscriminately, so you lose the mounting suspense and intimacy of a killer with a knife and other similar horror/slasher conventions. 

This last point, I think, bears some further consideration. The more I think on it, the more it seems that the things that make gun violence especially horrifying in real life are also things that make it very hard to put in a horror story: 

Mass shootings happen, obviously, in mass. Most horror formulas require characters to be isolated and picked off one by one. 

Guns kill people in ways that are impersonal and swift. If you’re killing a stadium of people with an automatic weapon, it’ll take just a few minutes. You can’t stretch that out into a long, lingering torture sequence or whatever. 

Gun violence is indiscriminate. Wherever a crowd gathers, a shooter can start killing people. There’s no space for, say, the “horror rules” re: jock, slut, virgin, etc. because morality doesn’t play into it. 

A killer methodically making his way through a sorority house, killing its members one by one lends itself more naturally to suspenseful storytelling than a gunman opening fire on a crowd. A killer leaving clues and taunting detectives lends its own narrative structure. 

In that regard, it’s pretty obvious: We cannot make a slasher-style film or a torture-porn film about a gunman. It just won’t work. 

But perhaps we’re looking at it all wrong. What if we viewed the mass shooter not as a serial killer, but as a force of nature? The disaster movie genre has ample cross-over with horror, and the general formula would work well for a mass shooter: 

Introduction to a wide cast of characters as they maneuver into a vulnerable position

The disaster hits, and we move between individuals affected by the calamity, watching their initial reactions 

In the ensuing chaos, characters attempt to escape further danger

The danger passed (for now?) some characters manage to survive, now irrevocably changed

Whether the disaster in question is an earthquake, a sharknado, or a school shooting, that formula should work. The key to success lies in the pacing and the large cast, allowing you to stretch out a relatively brief event into a detailed and tense narrative. 

So why haven’t we seen that? Outside of, like, one made-for-TV movie I recall watching in the 90s, this presumably straightforward premise hasn’t gained much traction. 

The Making of Monsters: Signs and Signifiers 

Perhaps the real reason we haven’t seen a lot of horror stories about mass shootings is because there is already so much mythology and symbolism tied to these sorts of narratives, and that symbolism is at odds with the creation of movie monsters. 

Guns carry a tremendous amount of cultural significance and baggage, at least in the United States. It’s why they’re so politically contentious. And when something is already heavily laden with symbolic meaning, it’s hard to turn that symbolism into something else in a way that will stick. 

Point #1: Guns are a great equalizer. Unlike a knife or sword, skill doesn’t matter all that much when it comes to killing somebody with a gun. You don’t have to be strong or fast or have a ton of training. You just have to point it and pull the trigger -- if you do that enough times, and at a big enough target, you’ll probably hit something. This means that anyone can kill someone with a gun: a skinny nerd, a young child, a petite woman. Guns are the thing that give you, the underdog, a way to compete against them, the big strong enemy. 

This leads to Point #2: Good Guys With Guns(tm). As absolutely anyone who has been on the internet for five minutes after Any Sort Of Bad Event will tell you, Bad Things can be stopped by Good Guys With Guns(tm). And while you can debate the merits of armed civilians protecting a group from harm against an active shooter, it’s impossible to deny that, historically, good guys have been armed. Police, military, armed militias, frontiersmen, etc. carry weapons. Which means that “guy with a gun” does not immediately translate, visually or thematically, as “threat” in the same way as wielding a butcher knife in a non-culinary context. A guy with a gun could, at a glance, be a good guy. A guy with a big knife is obviously a villain. Similarly, the Good Guys With Guns(tm) bleeds over into the horror genre. What would the zombie apocalypse be without headshots? How many horror franchises could have been cut short if someone had just shot the killer? 

Finally, Point #3: Guns in media have special powers. Gun mythology in film and television is well-developed, with its own set of tropes and expectations. In movies, pointing a gun at someone will automatically make that person comply with whatever you ask them to do -- we even have vernacular about this, “nobody put a gun to your head” -- as if the gun were somehow more powerful than a simple threat and could in fact control behavior. Often, people who are shot in television politely fall over and die quietly; it’s a civilized end, without all of the screaming and thrashing (never mind where they’re shot or what that would would do in real life). And there are so many types of gun. We have a whole video game genre dedicated to it -- collecting guns, learning their various abilities, applying them situationally to achieve various goals. With so many established tropes, writing anything with new tropes and rules runs the risk of generating confusion, disbelief and even hostility in an audience. 

So, with all of that in mind, it starts to become clear: 

Writing a horror story about gun violence is difficult because guns carry so much mythic significance, and it’s impossible to write about them metaphorically while keeping it clear what that metaphor is. 

If I write a story about an atomic-powered lizard who destroys a Japanese town with radiation, it’s easy enough to see that it’s a metaphor for nuclear warfare. But there is no similarly straightforward metaphor for gun violence readily apparent. 

But it’s tougher even than that -- because guns themselves aren’t the only thing to have been mythologized. 

The Myth of the Lone Gunman 

Remember: Guns are the great equalizer. 

This knowledge sits in the foundation of storytelling, not just in the fiction we make up but in the way we build narratives around mass shootings in the real world. There are certain tacit assumptions we make about gunmen that may or may not be accurate.

We have a certain narrative framework in place to explain school shootings, for example: The awkward, isolated young man who is bullied until he finally snaps and goes on a killing rampage. 

Never mind that this narrative is not wholly supported by facts. It may be true in some cases, but certainly not all. And yet, go back up to that list of mass shooter movies on IMDB and look again at what the majority of them have in common. 

This is problematic because, from a mythic perspective, people who are bullied and then stand up to their oppressors are heroes. 

In Carrie, when Carrie White destroys the school after being humiliated on prom night, we’re on her side. It feels good to watch her kill all those people who were awful to her. It feels just and righteous and imminently satisfying. 

When Spartacus leads a slave revolt, we cheer. When Daenerys Targaryen kills all the masters and uses their heads as mile-markers, we feel triumphant. When Arthur Fleck shoots the smug talk-show host on live television, we think, Well, he had it coming. 

Oh, sure. We pay lip service to being horrified. And these dark heroes might die at the end, receiving some karmic retribution for the price of their revenge. But can you say, truthfully, that you have ever once watched a story about an underdog killing his bullies and felt sorriest for the bullies? 

So: This is the problem with our cultural narrative about the school shooter. Purposely or not, it puts the shooter in the role of hero. 

And not only is that irresponsible, it’s just downright inaccurate. 

When Stephen Paddock opened fire on a concert and killed 58 people, he was not firing back at his oppressors. 

When Omar Mateen shot up a night club in Florida, he wasn’t getting revenge against his bullies. 

When Adam Lanza slaughtered 26 people at an elementary school -- 20 of them young children -- he obviously was not giving his victims what they deserved. 

In the real world, mass shooters might be motivated by political ideology and a desire to promote fear -- ie, terrorism. They might be unhappy with some aspect of their lives and decide to “punch down” at a vulnerable group in the worst possible way. They might be looking to become the heroes of certain media narratives, to secure some kind of fame or notoriety. They might want to kill themselves in a way that hurts a lot of other people at the same time. There are lots of reasons why people might commit mass murder. 

But the important thing is that the victims are, overwhelmingly, not bullies and oppressors. They are people. Just innocent people in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because mass shootings aren’t really about personal vendettas; they’re about mowing down a bunch of strangers in a few minutes at an impersonal long range. 

So here’s my final thought on the topic: We SHOULD tell horror stories about mass shootings. 

It’s a topic that’s timely, and it’s a scenario that’s frightening. There’s no reason not to tell these stories. But to make it work -- on a logistic and socially responsible basis -- we need to change our treatment. 

Going back to the “disaster movie” idea: It’s time to treat mass shooters in fiction as forces of nature, as oblivious and blindly destructive as a hurricane. It’s time to center the focus on the victims. Never mind the killer and what led him to this moment. Let’s take a minute to think about the people caught in that situation -- the people who fear for their lives, who try to help one another, who fight or flee or hide once the first shot is fired. Let’s write about the moments of humanity shared by two strangers crouched behind something while shots fire all around them. Let’s write about the horror of having your perfectly normal, mundane day suddenly and irrevocably shattered by a stranger with a gun. 

There is horror there, real horror, that can be mined and cultivated and turned to art. And it seems to me that embracing that, and shifting the cultural narrative away from valorizing the lone gunman, would be good for art and society. 

Are you ready to tell that story? 

I am. 

[bigskydreaming]

Saying that a fictional depiction of a rape is the same as promoting rape is like saying that writing a story about a character being gaybashed is promoting gaybashing. If you have the right to write a story based on your experiences, why don't I? Also, where's the line between depiction and romanticisation? There is none. At all. -- queer survivor who will not let you or anyone silence me.

Literally not something I’ve ever said, so congrats on the reading comprehension and thanks for being the 8,647th person to hop in my inbox or on one of my posts about this subject and attempt to make it about everything EXCEPT for things I actually have said and believe.

And for the record, there is a very clear line between depiction and romanticisation, are you kidding me??? Do you even get how communication works?

A work of fiction that essentially says “here are events that happened,” is a depiction.

A work of fiction that essentially says “here are events that happened, and the way in which they happened is intended to be received as sexy or romantic, as is further evidenced by reader reception in the form of comments about how sexy or romantic that depiction of events that happened was,”

....THAT is romanticization.

I am so, so, soooooooooo endlessly tired of being engaged by people who insist on being willfully dishonest and hypocritical about how much power they perceive fiction as having.

Every other day of the week, fanfic is empowering because it gives literally any of us a platform with which to reach other fans and express our own ideas, storylines and emotions regarding characters we all share an interest in.

But the second THIS conversation comes up, in ANY of its myriad forms, suddenly you’re all like, “ummmmm.....I am just a helpless little author who has never shaped anything I’ve ever written with any kind of specific intent or goal towards how I want the audience to receive or perceive my story?? I wouldn’t even know how to go about doing that? Is that even a thing?”

You all know damn well the difference between a story that depicts rape, pedophilia and incest, and a story that romanticizes/sensationalizes/uses those things as the specific elements that are supposed to result in that story being sexually gratifying to readers who engage with it.

Like, lmfao, I’m not the prude anyone makes me out to be, any more than I’m this evil censor about to go into all your houses and strip you of your ability to write whatever you want. Shockingly, guess what? I’ve written erotica myself! Not about those topics, clearly, but I’ve literally written and sold stories that I wrote with the specific intention of being perceived as erotic, sexy, romantic, etc.....

BECAUSE I, LIKE MOST OTHER WRITERS, KNOWS HOW TO GEAR A STORY IN VARIOUS DIRECTIONS WITHOUT HAVING TO ACTUALLY INCLUDE THE HEADERS “THIS PART IS JUST A DEPICTION” AND “OKAY NOW THIS PART YOU SHOULD THINK IS SEXY.”

LOLOL I’m so fucking tired. Literally the only message I have ever expressed on this subject in all the years I’ve been posting about it, on my own damn blog, in my own damn threads, with people like you always being the one to come and engage ME and still somehow operate under the impression that YOU’RE the ones being silenced here, like I’m the one going around to shut down everything YOU’RE saying every time you even open your mouth on a specific subject.....

Like, did I make that clear enough? Was the irony pointed enough there? Is it maybe sinking in a little, the utter ABSURDITY of people like you streaming into my inbox night after night, week after week, to yell “STOP SILENCING ME, I WILL NOT BE OPPRESSED OR CENSORED BY YOU”.....

When I literally have no idea who most of you are, thus couldn’t silence you even if I WANTED to, which again, is not something I’ve ever even expressed, given that my message on this subject over. And over. And over. And over. AND ALWAYS AND CONSISTENTLY IS:

I am not for censorship. Not only do I hate censorship, I don’t view it as even slightly effective, and at most its like trying to slap a bandaid on top of a wound without any attempt to even examine the injury itself and see how it came to be and what it really needs to be effectively treated.

My viewpoints on this subject have always been about one thing and one thing only: personal accountability.

As in, I advocate for people to just fucking apply a little more awareness to their OWN power, their OWN impact, their OWN platform....even if that platform is only fanfiction on the internet, yes.

Power and impact and influence are all still there, even among fanfic writers, as anyone who’s ever posted or reblogged about the legitimacy of fanfiction as a form of fiction, like, already damn well knows, so its so exasperating seeing that fly right out the window the second anyone asks a fanfic writer to scrutinize their own work to even just make sure THEY THEMSELVES are okay with ALL the potential impacts of whatever it is they’re writing.

Fiction is just language. Language is just a tool for communicating ideas, intents, emotions, experiences and more.

And like literally any other tool in the history of humanity, for this is literally the nature of tools and how they work....

A tool has no inherent ‘goodness’ that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be wielded in a way that produces harm. It simply exists. And its capacity to help or to harm, to be used in positive ways or negative ways.....depends SOLELY on its wielder and how they apply that tool and to what ends.

Fiction, whether the kind on bookshelves in stores or the kind found only on Ao3....has tremendous power. It communicates new ideas to people who’ve never considered a certain point of view before. It conveys new experiences to people who would never encounter something depicted firsthand in their own day to day lives. It conveys emotions, imbued into the narrative by the author themselves, even if those emotions are not necessarily always what the author thinks they are or intended them to be or not always ones readers truly read into the text versus simply project onto the text themselves. 

But there are an infinite variety of ways in which fiction has power, has impact, can and does reach people. It connects people, linking them via shared experiences or viewpoints or ideas so that a reader seeing themselves represented in what an author is writing can at least say they’re not alone, there’s someone else out there who says or thinks or experiences things similar to them. It can persuade people, exposing them to new viewpoints they’ve never considered before and convincing them of their validity by the arguments written into the text, even if they were never intended that way or the author might not even consciously be aware of making an argument in the text. It can fortify people, reassuring them that a perspective they have on a subject does have validity because here in this story, there’s someone thinking the same things for the same reasons. It can help people heal or even just hold on long enough to heal, by seeing their own tragedies reflected in a fictional mirror that still manages to impart that healing and recovery after something tragic are possible, that there is potentially more good still to come, in a reader’s life just as in a character’s story.

All I have ever expressed, over and over and over, is that its important to always keep sight of the fact that because fiction is just a tool, and not any more infallible than any writer using it to convey their thoughts and ideas and emotions.....

Fiction DOES still have just as much power to harm, too, if wielded irresponsibly. Everything I just detailed above has a flip side. Its a two way street, it can go both ways. Fiction can just as easily connect bigoted people, white supremacists, homophobes, transphobes, etc.....via shared experiences or viewpoints that reflect and empower the perspectives of bigots, etc. It can persuade people to do or think things that aren’t healthy, by exposing them to toxic viewpoints and convincing them of their validity due to a reader being vulnerable to various arguments that are made in bad faith. And no, this does not mean that I’m saying people run out and do what they see depicted or even romanticized in fiction. I’m simply saying fiction holds every capacity to convince people of the validity of something harmful as much as something healing.....it all just depends on how important that particular thing or argument is to their specific lives, how vulnerable or exposed they are to particular arguments, how much weight they give it, etc, etc. There are a ton of factors here. All I’m saying is this IS a factor, its included among those many, many other things. 

Moving on....it can fortify the worst kind of people, reassure them that their prejudices or toxic viewpoint on a subject has validity because a story is seemingly endorsing it without any sign within the narrative that the characters’ perspective on this matter IS flawed, or toxic or unhealthy or prejudiced, rather than just a straight forward and unbiased depiction. And yes, it can hinder personal healing or recovering, by keeping a reader mired in the same kind of thoughts or emotions they’re already currently battling and reinforcing their personal perception that there is no alternative to those things, etc, etc.

None of these are in any way a given, with any given story, any given writer, any given reader. There are tons of variables, as I said.

But also as I’ve said....my only point has always just been that these things EXIST, the potential for these things to happen in this or that way EXISTS, and it is willfully dishonest of fanfic writers and readers to insist on the power of fanfiction to help, to heal, to connect people......while simultaneously trying to absolve themselves of even the need to be CAREFUL with how they wield the power of fiction, because apparently, with fanfiction, its ONLY ever a one way street. Fanfiction NEVER has the power to harm, to reinforce negative or prejudiced perspectives, impart and convince readers of toxic viewpoints and arguments.

How can you pretend that’s not how this works? That saying la la la, I’m JUST a fanfic writer, I only have a couple hundred readers maybe, so by virtue of that, somehow, only good things can result from my writing, there’s noooooooo possible negative impact to any of my work or various ideas I put forth....

Like, that isn’t a thing! LOLOL. That’s not a disclaimer with any power or truth. All it is, is a fandom-spread and perpetuated lie meant to reassure people that here in this space, there is a kind of power that unlike ALL OTHER FORMS OF POWER IN EXISTENCE.....can only ever be a good thing, a positive thing...and thus there is no need for any one in a fandom space, whether writer or reader, to ever have to be on their guard or careful about what they say or believe the way they have to be ‘in the outside world.’ Here, in fandom, you can finally just RELAX, you can just enjoy yourself and have fun and not have to worry about whether you’re doing or saying the wrong thing because none of those things are even a POSSIBILITY here, and anyone who says otherwise is just trying to tarnish our perfect paradise, let the ugliness of the outside world into it via unnecessary and unasked for criticism and scrutiny that isn’t fair to apply here because its not like any of us have any real power, we’re just fans, writing stuff on the internet.

And people are just...DETERMINED not to accept that, or to even LOOK at it as the actual subject being discussed in a lot of these conversations. So you spin everything I and others like me say, turn them into arguments we’ve never actually espoused, warn against the perils of censorship we’ve never actually asked or advocated for, stand tall against the attempts to silence you...THAT HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY EXISTED.

Like....the message that bothers me, the communication that I personally am disturbed by seeing practically everywhere I look in fandom? Yes....its the message conveyed by the mere existence, the sheer volume of fics that depict traumas exactly like mine....but in ways that sexualize them, make them seem more about erotic fantasy rather than the abuses of power that they are in real life. I hate these kinds of stories, and just how damn MUCH of them there are, its true. I’m not denying it, I’ve never denied it. To me, them and all the hundreds and thousands of kudos and comments they receive - even without reading the fics directly, just via a mere AWARENESS that these conversations are taking place, no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise - to me, the message being conveyed over and over by them is that in the right light, from the right angle, things that happened to me at various points in my life are HOT, are SEXY.....

Like as an example, since apparently it seems I’ve been using my ‘gaybashed’ card too freely and unfairly shutting down conversations like this (lol again, let’s not forget, conversations that I begin, on my own blog, and that not a damn one of you is forced to interact with no matter how hard to play the STOP SILENCING angle when voluntarily approaching ME and trying to shame or guilt ME into not talking so much about this topic, aka SILENCING MEEEEEEEEEE)...

Anyway, all that aside, for this example let me pull from something I don’t talk about as much: the years when I was an escort in my late teens and early twenties, literally getting into bed with much older and extremely predatory men because I needed the money....AND because I was using this in part as a ‘coping mechanism’ to convince myself that sex had no power to hurt me. That thus by doing this I was retroactively taking away my rapes’ ability to harm me in the first place, and thus, I had never really been harmed and was FINE..... Except I was very much NOT okay, I absolutely ended up revictimized and further traumatizing myself because a lot of the people I interacted with at that period of my life were NOT good people and DIDN’T have a care for my best interests or even safety, even while saying and doing all the right things, the sexy things, even the romantic things...

I mean, I’m just saying....I could absolutely, without a doubt, write some of my own life experiences, things that were traumatizing to me and have left lingering scars....I could take some of those and write them in such a way as to have a sexualized or romanticized slant, publish them on Ao3 with names swapped out for some fictional characters and call it an AU.......and I for sure would get comments and kudos about how hot all of that was.

Now, I have no interest in doing that, obviously....but the thing is, I don’t HAVE to. Because those stories already EXIST, even if they don’t exactly match up to my specific experiences and they’re written by people who literally have no idea I even exist, let alone have lived through scenes eerily similar to what they write.

And just like those stories exist....the comments, and the kudos, and the praise and the glorification of these stories, the events depicted within them, the DYNAMICS depicted within them....these already exist as well. And I’m painfully, PAINFULLY aware of that. Every day. Every fandom I’m in. Every fandom I’ve ever been in.

And it SUCKS. I hate knowing that two posts down from some story I’m reading, there’s a story that has people drooling over the exact kind of predator that fucked with me and my head so much back in those years. I hate stumbling into an untagged AU every once in awhile and finding Bruce being depicted as Dick’s sugar daddy, preying on the MUCH younger man that we all normally associate with being his SON.....and knowing from past experience that if I click on the comments, almost without a doubt, judging by the 22 comments on one chapter alone, I’ll find enough swooning over how HOT and ROMANTIC this is, that it will most likely make me violently ill for the rest of the night. Because I so INTIMATELY know that there is NOTHING safe or healthy or not fucking traumatizing about that kind of dynamic with a person who is SUPPOSED to be safe and trustworthy to be around.......and I’m reminded all over again, just like I have been at SO MANY points in my life....how many people just don’t want to HEAR this, because they prefer their fantasy over the reality I know firsthand....BUT NONE OF THAT MAKES MY REALITY ANY LESS REAL OR LIVED THROUGH.

The thing so many of you don’t get is....none of this is even about whether I read these stories or not, none of it is about whether all of them get tagged properly or not....hell, none of it is actually about whether the people writing these fics are actually pedophiles or ‘endorsing’ these things or anything like that....I NEVER ARGUE ANY OF THAT, BECAUSE NONE OF IT IS THE POINT.

The point is just....the sheer bombardment of a singular message across so many fandoms, so many pairings, from so many people....

With that message being, to a very wide audience....with the right character in the right scenario....the things that for various people like myself and other survivors who DON’T like being surrounded by all this either, whether or not there are many survivors who for whatever reason DO find themselves okay with it... 

(And considering our existence and arguments don’t invalidate your acceptance of these things, why do you so confidently tout the idea that YOUR existence and arguments should somehow innately just make all of this less objectionable to us? Just curious.)

The point is, no matter who is writing these stories or why, whether they ACTUALLY endorse these things or would never in a million years find them acceptable in real life (and again, why are you so confident that this is true for EVERYONE who writes these things, and by extension, why the FUCK do you presume its okay to expect all survivors to just give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt as to why they’re writing these stories, when some of them are virtually indistinguishable from the kinds of things someone who DID find these things hot and sexy to enact on others in real life, would write themselves)....

Like.....none of that matters. Because none of that in any way affects the reality so many of us experience in fandom spaces:

That over and over we’re reminded that what was devastatingly traumatic for us, and impacts every day of our lives ever since.....to a wide audience of others, is just a hot, sexy fantasy and they’re all crying out MORE, MORE, GIVE US MORE.

And you all just sit back there and just us for saying....”it really bothers us to be surrounded by this message everywhere we turn.”

You shame US for saying this makes our fandom environment toxic and hostile at times.....and you flip the script and ask how dare WE shame survivors, who are probably just using these fics to cope....and literally ALL the people reading and writing these fics are survivors probably, I mean, you don’t know....and of course it’d be wildly inappropriate to ask so its probably best to just assume everyone writing these things are survivors....and thus we, no matter if we are survivors ourselves, have no business SHAMING or SILENCING them for just working through their shit in ways that its not even like it can actually hurt us anyway.

Except it DOES. It IS. And we say that, and you REFUSE TO HEAR US. You say “well this isn’t true for me, so it can’t be true for you or else just doesn’t matter if it is,” even though at no point have I or others I know ever said “because this is true for me, I am assuming it to be true for all survivors.”

You come into MY inbox, and act like you’re standing tall and proud against MY silencing tactics. Yeah, would I love it if I could go even a single day without having to gingerly avoid these stories and all mention of them, all casual references to them, all glowing praise of them, everywhere I look in fandom? Absofuckinglutely. Does me WANTING this thing - this thing we all know is never in actual danger of happening, lol - does this in ANY way ACTIONABLY translate into me censoring anyone, impeding anyone’s ability to write or post or read these things, is it me going in the comments of any of these fics and yelling HOW DARE YOU WRITE THIS and when that doesn’t get me the response I want, going to the blogs of the writers and yelling I WILL NOT BE SILENCED?

No. No. And fuck no. None of these things are happening, none of these things are reality.

And yet here you are, like SOOOOOOO MANY before you and like SOOOOOO MANY who will inevitably follow you in the future....

And your condescension and disdain for me and everything I think and everything I’ve lived through and my willingness or even just the way I choose to talk about it, just JUMPS off the page.

But the thing that will never not just absolutely fucking SLAY me, is the sheer absurdity of the accusations you and so many others level against me for MY censorship, MY shaming of other survivors. MY silencing tactics or whatever....

When you consider the fact that, yeah, I would love not having to see all these stories and other related things every single day. I would LOVE it.

But I’m not doing a single damn thing to make that a reality, to make that a DANGER, a THREAT to you and the thing you enjoy.....

Other than posting about it on my blog, and expressing how I feel about it, and arguing why I wish other people would spend more time considering perspectives like mine on the matter.

That’s it. That’s the whole grand conspiracy. That’s my awful and terrible assault on you and your autonomy and your freedom of speech and your interests and likes.

And meanwhile, here you are, stepping forward to confront ME in my own space about things I’ve said here and nowhere else that you’re forced to engage with and interact with and incapable of avoiding....

And you have the utter GALL to tell ME that YOU will not be silenced by the likes of me.

When every single person who reads this knows DAMN well that you and others like you only send me all these anons......

Because you want me to shut up and just never talk about these things again, as much if not more than I wish all these people would not even stop writing.....but rather just....would consider writing literally ANYTHING else instead.

But somehow, for some reason....when YOU want ME to stop talking....you’re not trying to silence me, or censor me, or any of those other things, oh know.

Its just me talking about my own damn feelings, experiences and opinions on my own damn blog.

THAT’S the real threat to fandom togetherness, community, and freedom of speech and personal autonomy.

LOL. Awfully convenient, wouldn’t you say?

But whatever. Its all good, anon. You go ahead and keep the moral high ground here. You’ve earned it, clearly.