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interviewtion · 7 years ago

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Niku Gutfuck Interviewtion

In this interview I talked to Texas-based musician Niku Gutfuck about the role of ambient music as a healing tool, the inspirations for their new EP, and the process of focusing on addressing mental health. Q: You’re extremely honest and outspoken about your struggles with mental health. How have those struggles informed and inspired the music you make, especially on this new EP?

A: I've had these issues for a long time but never bothered to talk about them. I never really knew how to. That said, I didn't know how to make art about them either. I didn't even know I had bipolar disorder or OCD until I was diagnosed this year. It all made sense after I was diagnosed, but finding out I just...gave up. I stopped caring. I skipped class, I never went outside, I avoided other people. I just kinda existed.

Relating this to the EP, someone very dear to me who had been a very big part of my life for about two years tried desperately to help me. They tried their best, but the issue is I didn't. I instead, pulled the stupid pity party card multiple times and found myself being like "well, this is just life. Whatever," rather than growing the fuck up and taking the initiative to make things in my life better. Suffering took zero effort. That's why I decided to just be miserable. Eventually, these issues of mine took control.

I said things I didn't mean and acted in ways I never thought I would, all to this person that has always been there for me. I hurt them badly. We ended up going our separate ways. I didn't realize how much their company meant to me and how much I had taken them for granted until they were gone. It was too late. I grew the fuck up too late. I did everything too late.

I found myself remembering that this person always told me that I was one of the few people who truly cared about them. That I was always there for them. That I was very important to them. And in return I gave them a big "fuck you" without even realizing it because I was so clouded by my own self loathing and selfishness. It fucked me up. I considered this person family, and honestly still do. But because of me they are gone. It pains me more than I could ever explain.

This EP is about that. It's about me grieving over losing this person. How much I miss them. How sorry I am. How I decided to start self harming because I couldn't live with myself. How I became even more of a shut in because of my actions. And finally, realizing that I need to change.

It's entirely ambient because I feel like droney ambient music is best at giving off intended emotions. Ambient music is very personal, I feel like lots of people don't realize that. The message behind the EP is "look into yourself, see if your problems are becoming you, and change it before it comes at a price that you would have no choice to pay."

I don't want my listeners to be like me, I want them to learn from me. I don't see myself as a role model. I see myself as a colossal fuck up that's trying to change their ways and NOT be a colossal fuck up. I care so much about all of my supporters and their well being. To be honest, I want to make that person proud despite everything. I hope I am. Take your mental health seriously. You don't want to find comfort in your problems. That's a path that leads to a very dark place.

Q: In your essay on your latest release you talk a little bit about Tamakichi Anaru, so how has his visual work inspired your own music? A: Snuff films used to really interest me in the sense that I never really got what motivated people to do such acts. Anaru-san's work is very very violent and, to be blunt, fucked up in nature ranging from the most heinous acts of violence to straight up gore porn. I find Anaru-san's work to be in a sense some of the most human shit. To explain, we're fucked up.

I have a writer friend named Noah, who once told me that he believes that humans are naturally born evil. Though it isn't as black and white as that, there is some truth to the statement. The human race in general is just fucked up. We spread the message of loving each other through media outlets or to strangers passing by, yet we hurt each other every single day. Slavery, genocide, war, oppression, even things that are on a smaller scale like bullying. This is the shit we do to each other. We make each other miserable.

I feel like, in a way, Anaru-san's work is a manifestation of that. It's fucked up, and in no way do I condone any of it, but at the end of the day all of us have the potential to be fucked up. Some people just choose to hide it behind a mask. Q: What made you end the Midori Kida project in order to start releasing music as Niku Gutfuck? A: Niku Gutfuck started last year, actually. I was releasing very violent harsh noise music, it was straight up a wall of power electronics. The project initially was started because of my experiences with anger issues and obsessive compulsive disorder.

It was meant to portray a feeling of anger. As a society, we look down upon anger. Anger is painted in a negative light all the time, people with bad anger issues are often demonized, and looked at as violent people that just want to inflict pain on others. For the longest time, I shamed myself for it because of that. I believe that we shouldn't be judged for our emotions, but for our actions. Anger is human. We tend to think of humanity as whatever the media portrays humanity as. That feeling of being an outcast due to my issues was initially what inspired Niku Gutfuck.

Midori Kida, however, wasn't at all as deep as that, nor do I think it ever could have been. I was catering. It was me not being myself. It felt like I was making music under someone else’s project. That's a very harmful way to look at doing something you like to do, but it's the truth. I didn't realize just how personal Niku Gutfuck was until very recently, so I decided to keep the name and take the project to new places, while still keeping the themes that were personally significant to me.

Q: How did you choose the name Niku Gutfuck for this project? Are you worried at all that a name like that might turn some people away from listening to the music? A: Originally I just picked it because it sounded violent and angry enough for the context of the music, but after I got tired and upset with Midori Kida, I realized I had some personal connections to it. Like I said, Anaru-san's films depict the ugly fucked up side of humans that we like to pretend doesn't exist. Well, one has to be ridiculously fucked in the head to commit such heinous acts of violence upon another person. To me, it's giving in to your mental health problems. Letting them take control and change you. You're no longer yourself, you're your problems wearing your skin and passing off as you. It makes you harm people, break others, destroy them because your mental health problems grabbed you by the collar and you didn't have the willpower to force them to put you down. Just like I did to my best friend.

Like I said before, I want to make music so people learn from my mistakes, I don't want people to be like me, I want people to LEARN from me. Mental health problems can be fixed with time, willpower, and effort. It takes courage. Something I lacked. And in turn I hurt someone who was very important to me. Niku Gutfuck is supposed to symbolize that. Not even being yourself anymore. Becoming a costume that your paranoia wears to look like you.

I was worried about the name at first, and in a way I still am, but the more I thought about the personal aspects the more I felt like I had to. I'm so obsessed with people being happy honestly. Happiness is the best thing in the world in my opinion. Just seeing someone, anyone, happy makes me emotional and happy too. But while that's something I wanna do with my art, at the end of the day I need to do this for myself too. I do this for other people, but I also do it for me. Art is the only method of self expression that I have. I want to make things for people who need it, but how can I expect my art to help others if it can't even help me first?

Q: What is the appeal of ambient music for you? A: My friend Warren (he makes music as Foxes in Fiction) once described ambient music as "audio xanax". I think that's very accurate. To me, ambient music is the epitome of emotion. A lot of ambient and drone-y experimental music doesn't have a ton going on, and I normally see that as a common complaint with the genre. I, however, think that is fine. There is this science where certain frequencies and tones can make people feel certain emotions. Music can be healing. That inspires me a lot.

Ambient music is a genre I always find myself going back to, especially when things start to become overbearing. You don't have to worry about any drastic changes, it's pretty much just music to remember things to. I enjoy that. I'm a very sentimental and sensitive person, so I remember things in my life a lot. Good and bad. Ambient music tends to be my soundtrack for that.

Q: Who are some of your personal favorite ambient/drone/noise artists? Do you have three albums in those genres you would recommend to people who aren’t familiar with them? A: An artist that has always been there for me is Yuko Imada. In fact, Yuko Imada's "Untitled (Moon)" was pretty much 99% of the inspiration for Everything is Gone. On Seeing has been my favorite song for years, I listen to it when insomnia keeps me up. I Am A Lake of Burning Orchids has also inspired me a ton as well. I also can't go without mentioning Watashi no Koko and Apollo Knives. Since I have quite a few influences for this album, I decided to give five recommendations instead of three, simply because there are a lot I recommend. Yuko Imada - Untitled (Moon) I Am A Lake of Burning Orchids - Summer in My Veins Apollo Knives - The Harshest Winter Watashi no Koko - まごころを君に Nobuto Suda - Modest Calm I also want to point out that the Yume Nikki and .flow soundtracks are fucking fantastic. They inspire me a lot, both of those games are so dear to me.

I really wanna talk about some of the other artists that inspire the album I am working on. Not ambient artists, but I really feel like I should point them out because of how much they all mean to me.

One of my biggest influences is Halsey. She's honestly one of my favorite artists of all time. Her music is so important to me and she's somebody I really really look up to and view as a hero. Her lyrics hit very very close to home to me, I relate so much to them. Reading interviews with her and seeing that she also deals with bipolar disorder makes me feel like I'm not alone. I usually feel like I'm an outcast because of my BPD. Like I shouldn't have anybody close to me and I should remain in solitude cause I'll just end up hurting them by accident. She showed me that my mental health doesn't have to define me. She influences me in so many different ways, in my opinion all of her music is perfect. I honestly can't stress enough how vital Halsey is to me and how much I look up to her haha.

I feel the exact same way about Meishi Smile. Meishi Smile has been one of my favorite music projects for so so long. The amount of raw emotion in the music is so breathtakingly beautiful to me, I've viewed Garrett Yim as a hero since I was a Junior in high school. I've always been obsessed with his countless projects (nono., and the previously mentioned Yuko Imada) and honestly he is one of the reasons I ever started making music in the first place.

Meishi Smile and Halsey both make me feel like somebody gets it. Every day I wake up and feel like I am inhuman. Like, my mental shit makes me some monster that deserves to have nobody. They show me otherwise. I wanna do that for somebody at the end of the day. Show someone that they are not alone.

On another note, I am also very inspired by J-Pop. I really love the works of Yasutaka Nakata, whether it be Perfume, Capsule, or Kyary Pamyu Pamyu (the queen haha). J-Pop just has this sound to it that really makes me gravitate towards it. It sounds very happy on the surface, but if you look deeper it's a very dark genre, a good example being Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's music video for Kira Kira Killer (one of my personal favorite Kyary songs) exploring themes of death.

Tyler the Creator is also a colossal influence on me, he's helped me a lot when it came to dealing with my anger issues and shit. And of course I am also very inspired by Porter Robinson and Madeon, they are also heroes to me. Also, anime haha. Stuff like Danganronpa, Anohana, and Madoka Magica fill me with this weird urge to recreate how those franchises make me feel and how they sound to me.

But I get most of my creative inspiration from my personal experiences. I do lots of venting through art. All of the upcoming album is me doing that. Venting. I have a lot of emotional scars and have so many regrets. This new album is so personal. One song is about how in my state of feeling torn up over what I've done I turned to drugs as a coping mechanism and ended up having this mental breakdown after getting super fucking high. Another is about my dependency issues with self harm and how I've become addicted to cutting and burning myself. It feels weird, honestly. Makes me feel kinda naked, you know? At the same time it feels so good putting feeling into my music. Letting out all my regrets, grudges, and anxieties into a tangible form just feels...good. It's something I wish I've always done rather than make music I'm not proud of. I'm hoping I find myself while making this album.

Q: It seems like video games are an important component of your life, so do you ever see yourself soundtracking a game? A: I've actually thought of this quite a bit. I'd love to in all honesty. I'd soundtrack any game really, but I'd really love to make the ost to a Yume Nikki fangame. Yume Nikki is such an important game, it's amazing that Kikiyama was able to create such a dedicated fanbase over a simple little RPG Maker game. I still visit Uboachan, though not too frequently.

I first got introduced to video games in the Gamecube/Game Boy era, so growing up games like Pokemon Silver, Sonic Adventure (both of them), Super Mario Sunshine, and my favorite game of all time Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess took up all my time. I remember maxing out the ingame clock in Twilight Princess haha. From there I graduated to PC gaming, and now the game I've been playing the most of is Overwatch. I'm pretty garbage at it but competitive has been helping me get better. I'd also like to point out while we're on the topic of video games how much Danganronpa means to me. It's one of my favorite games and makes me hella emotional. There's a song on my new album about it haha. Q: What do you have planned for the future of this project? A: I have a new album coming out at some point that’s named Stay. Niku Gutfuck is split into two different styles: The ambient, droney harsh noise side such as Everything is Gone, and a very J-Pop inspired electronic music side. The topic of Everything is Gone is gonna be elaborated on in a few songs, as well as other topics I want to get off my chest. I am not sure when this is coming out, where I will release it, or if I will fuck with any labels at all, I am just trying to get my emotions out in audio form as of right now. I'm ultimately trying to improve as a producer and musician as much as I can, music production is honestly something that I just adore fucking with and I can't see myself stopping no matter how discouraged I get.

There's this fire in me that won't let me stop, and I am so glad it's there cause it keeps me going. I'm trying to find an artist to work with to make the album cover, especially since I love working with visual artists. The feeling of two artistic minds that focus on different art forms coming together to create something is so inspiring to me and one of my favorite things about making music.

Be sure to follow Niku Gutfuck on Twitter to keep up to date!

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