#nobody's ever had a crush on me and i'm not really attractive or anything either so...

[mysunshine-youremoonlight]

the girls are yearning

[supercalime]

hellooo, fellow bucktommy shipper (and casual b*ddie enjoyer, if it weren't for the horrors...) here! i really liked your take on b*ddie st*ns and how they are now making super wild assumptions based on some latest interviews.

you know one thing that irks me? somehow nobody seems to talk about is the fact that in canon, buck isn't written to be in love with eddie at all. like, can we please talk about this??? because I'm all for Death Of The Author. OS can talk about ships all he wants but in the end, only the canon narrative matters to me personally. i've watched long-form content with endgame couples being set up in the pilot episodes who become canon many seasons later (bones, castle, grey's anatomy, the mentalist, etc.), and the entire point of such couples is to establish that, yes, they have been having romantic feelings all this time since day one. they do so very very obviously. there is zero subtlety or room for questioning.

one of the most common tropes is to give one or both characters (of the endgame couple) another love interest so that the endgame couple can be full of jealousy and pettiness every time that other love interest is mentioned or shown. having another love interests always endangers the original closeness of the endgame couple, and then the breakup propels the endgame couple forward in their relationship. the love interest is always used for comparisons, to make it abundantly clear that everybody else is lacking in some way. at no point in 911 did they do so with buck and eddie??? these dudes go through various romantic relationships, and never ever has it been any issue to the b*ddie dynamic. never was it talked about. never were hints dropped that one of them is jealous. even now, with bucktommy, eddie shows not a single ounce of jealously. on the other side, look at how they showed us buck being obviously jealous because eddie monopolized tommy's time even though buck wanted tommy time himself! buck couldn't stand the jealousy even a little bit, and he ended up literally hurting his bestie because of it. but whenever eddie is involved romantically and sexually with someone, there are zero signs that buck is bothered or threatened or jealous. they both seem super chill? they do not question at any point that them dating other people might hurt their relationship? logically, that must mean buck's never wanted to be romantically or sexually involved with eddie (and vice versa). at it's core, b*ddie has been written as a friendship. to this day, we have no canon proof for anything else.

i would not hate b*ddie to happen or anything. i do enjoy b*ddie fics (those that aren't super misogynist ♥). and i think it could be a great couple if done well! but as you said, even when buck thought eddie was hot... well, so what? that's literally just an objective observation. RG is handsome based on societal standards. chim and hen also immediately acknowledged that eddie was hot in 2x01, and both of them are Not At All romantically or sexually attracted to eddie either. nobody is questioning chim's or hen's sexuality based on the comments they made about eddie being hot. because nothing about this equals real romantic feelings or the desire to be in a relationship. the fandom understands that logic just fine with chim and hen. why not with buck, though? also, we have yet to see a reversed moment for eddie staring at buck and finding him hot. they had no problem to show eddie Immediately having a crush on ana flores when he first met her. this shows that eddie feels sexual attraction just fine. he was, however, never shown in canon to feel it for buck.

also interesting: even though buck found eddie hot when they first met, it did not trigger buck to seriously question his sexuality at any point in the past like, 5 years or so. in all those years of canon b*ddie friendship, the show has never used the plethora of opportunities to propel b*ddie into romantic or sexual territory. the show could have! but the show never did, so i refuse to let b*ddie st*ns or OS retcon this. if it's not in the canon material, it isn't canon. with tommy, it took only a couple of weeks and a handful of interactions for buck to reach a point of clarity about his sexuality. the most logical deduction imo is that buck simply clocked that eddie's hot (like everybody else, duh, he isn't special in that regard), and it's never meant anything deep.

my only real probem with this entire situation is how hardcore b*ddie st*ns are now using this as a justification to harass others even more (especially bucktommy shippers). i'd love to enjoy canon bucktommy and fanon b*ddie in peace! but the hate that b*ddie st*ns are spreading everywhere again (like with every new season and newly introduced love interest) is so overwhelming.

sorry for the long ass rant btw oopsie. feel free to ignore this. i just wanted to let it out and it seemed like you would understand. anyway, thanks for reading in case you got this far!

I’d never ignore a sensible take, anon! (I feel bad that you had to go anon but I understand. We know the drill by now, some stans are scary lol)

But like, ALL OF THIS!!!

Discourse like this is what takes away the enjoyment of media for me. It sucks that fandom experience can have two very extreme opposing sides, specially when it comes to two “competing” ships. You can kinda tell by how bucktommy shippers behave (I’m not trying to flex at all because I am one. A good majority of us has zero problem with b*ddie endgame even though we prefer the other. We like what we are getting and are happy to see this storyline play out) compared to b*ddie shippers (of course not all of them, I’m talking about the entitled ones. That clog comment sections, bother actors, go to the other ships tag to complain about it and say how their preferred ship is better, etc).

Im not immune to bad takes and bad fan behavior. Ive surely acted like these stans in other fandoms and i do regret it, so i hate seeing it happen again and again, no matter where i go.

Not to quote mean girls, but I wish we could all get along…

All that being said, whichever ship “wins”, it’s no one’s call but the writers and producers of the show. Someone told me that Tim writes for himself and doesn’t take outside factors (at least to an extent cause it’s impossible to not know the fan reaction) into consideration when it comes to where he wants the story to go.

[liminal-space-lesbian]

Loser

Pairing: Enid Sinclair x fem!reader

Summary: You've had a crush on Enid for the longest time, but she was with Ajax. Ajax, who was boring and uninspiring and not thoughtful at all. You couldn't help but feel jealous, knowing you could treat her better than him.

Warnings: unrequited love, jealousy / envy, Ajax slander

Words: 910

Part Two // Part Three // Part Four

Enid Sinclair.

The perfect girl.

She's bubbly, loyal, easygoing, funny, and not afraid to stand up for what's right. She's gorgeous, inside and out. Her cute dyed hair, her pretty blue eyes, her smile- God her smile.

She's everything.

And he's just... him.

He's... a loser. Just some Stoner kid with the personality of a wheat thin. Him and his stupid hoodies, him and his stupid dumb smile and stupid laugh. Why, why, why did Enid like him? He was rather boring, not much to offer conversationally. He was attractive you supposed, but not that attractive. Maybe he was a good kisser? God, you really didn't want to think of him kissing Enid.

It was all so unfair. Why couldn't she see him for what he was? He's just a loser. Some kid, with nothing special or particularly interesting about him. Hell, on their first date he stood her up, and didn't even bother telling her why! You would never have done that to her.

If only she saw you. She'd maybe realize....

You'd do anything for her- move heaven and earth- anything she asked. You'd get her flowers every week, make sure to get her favorites and not just red roses like Ajax. You knew Enid was partial to peonies. You also knew she didn't like dark chocolate, unlike Ajax who always bought her assorted chocolates. You knew she hated pineapple on pizza, you knew her favorite artist was Lana Del Rey, you knew her favorite color was pink but she also favored yellow. She preferred gold jewelry, she only liked her coffee sweet, and she never ate pancakes for breakfast ever since she had the stomach flu when she was twelve.

But Ajax- that stupid boy- didn't know hardly any of these simple things about his own girlfriend. He buys her silver jewelry, Taylor Swift albums, dark chocolate- all the little things he should notice he just doesn't.

But you do.

And yet.... Enid sees Ajax and not you.

You suppose that makes you bitter and jealous. Probably toxic to some degree as you glare at them during lunch, while Enid sits in Ajax's lap, telling him about her day as he gazes at her with glazed over eyes. 'Is he even listening?' You think bitterly as you clench your jaw, suddenly losing your appetite.

"Jeez, I'm not a fan of Ajax either, but you look like you're trying to blow him up with your mind. You good, girl?" Yoko asks as she takes a seat next to you, stealing a french fry off your tray. You push your tray towards her, no longer hungry as you see Ajax and Enid begin making out.

"Yeah I'm just peachy." You say drily as you pry your gaze away from the two to look at Yoko, who looks unimpressed. She heaves a sigh and rubs her forehead wearily.

"Listen, I know you've had a thing for Enid for like, years, but you really need to let it go. She has a boyfriend and it doesn't look like they're breaking up any time soon. There's so many other girls too! Don't miss an opportunity just because you're so hung up on Enid." Yoko says, her voice slightly uncertain as she speaks, a hint of worry in her tone. You knew somewhere in the back of your mind Yoko was just trying to be a good friend, and you knew she was probably right. Your heart however didn't care, bitterness and envy swelling in your chest like acid.

"I don't want other girls. I don't care about other girls. Enid is just- she's different. There's nobody like her, shes so sweet, and pretty and smart and warm. And loyal! I mean look what she did for Wednesday last year!" You huff angrily as you look back towards Enid, seeing her and Ajax now standing and saying their farewells, Enid giving Ajax a big hug and a kiss before happily skipping away. 'I wish she hugged me like that.'

"I know... but still it's not healthy to keep pining after her like this. She just... doesn't see you like that." Yoko said gently, her gaze soft as she tried to catch your gaze. You felt a familiar squeezing in your chest at her words.

"I know but... I don't think I can help it." You say softly as you look down at your tray. standing up and taking it with you, dumping the rest of your food in the trash before heading to your next class, ignoring the lump in your throat.

How could you think such cruel things about Ajax anyways? Why must jealousy burn you up from the inside? Why couldn't you just be happy for Enid? She seemed pleased enough in her relationship. So what if she wasn't with you, so long as she was happy, right? You just couldn't help but feel she would be happier with you. Such a selfish thing to think.

In the end, Ajax was with Enid, not you.

Perhaps you were the one who was a loser.

[ahopefulbromantic]

Okay. Alright. Not that anyone cares

I felt the need to tell my story, my well, testimony, some would say, though I don't like this word that much.

Get ready for the wall of text!!!

I'm not straight. That's a fact, it's not something I could change even if I wanted to (I don't. I love it). I don't identify as asexual. I am asexual. As far as I remember, I've never been straight. And if there could be anything that "changed me" it would have happened way too early for anyone to be able to be sure about it.

I've never been straight. But I don't call myself LGBT+ or queer person, either. Because that to me means identifying as a part of the community I don't feel a part of. I'll get to it. For now, let's start from the beginning:

There were, of course, boyfriends from kindergarten. But they weren't anything more than a make-believe play which actually often irritated me. I mean, I decided I was in love with one when I was six, not because I actually was, it was just a thing all the girls did and I wanted to make dramatic confessions like those I've seen in movies. Another one decided he was in love with me so I used him for my benefit (things like: "yeah okay whatever you can be my boyfriend if you clean up my desk, sweet"). I was telling people I had a crush on Michał Wiśniewski who was at the time a thirty-something-years-old Polish vocalist. Did I find him attractive? Of course not. But he did have red hair, and that's an esthetic trait I'm still really fond of, and remember, I was six. So yeah. Apart from those I've had no other boyfriends or crushes ever again. As early as 9 years old I already decided those weren't for me and I haven't changed my mind since.

And nobody bothered me about it. No girly sleepovers where everyone had to confess their crushes, no people pestering me about it so much I'd feel uncomfortable. Not even that many deep conversation with other people about their crushes to which I could only respond with "mkay" or "who needs crushes anyway? but you do you I guess?". And, most fortunately, no talking about s*x of any kind. I've only attended a few s*x-ed classes at my schools - thankfully at first my mom decided I didn't have to waste my time there, though later she thought maybe I could get some use out of it despite my pleas and whinings. I did not get any use of it. I was repulsed by everything that was said there. I was positive everyone else must be, too. I tried not to listen at all, best as my little grindy and obedient mind could. Goes without saying that I despised any s*x scenes in books and movies as well and never talked with anyone about those topics, cause they made me extremely uncomfortable. Even the occasional intrusive thoughts I fought like fire.

I've seen lots of acearo people confess that they feel like they are broken, or like there's something wrong with them. I've never had that. I knew I wasn't broken, that would be ridiculous. I was right. It's everyone else who was gross and weird.

I started to ponder that maybe I was different during junior high. One of my classmates kept asking me who's the most handsome boy in our class and I always replied: my brother, of course! 😁 (Truthfully so, he's really beautiful). It may have been around that time I noticed that I looked differently at people than most did. I couldn't tell if someone was attractive or not. I found everyone beautiful, though some features I liked more than others.

There was a boy in our class, shy and quiet, we got along pretty well. After graduating junior high, another classmate called me to tell me he fancied me and to ask if I fancied him, too. I told her I didn't look at people that way. Her immediate response was "yo are you a lesbian???". "No! I'm not a lesbian!", I replied. "...Am I?", I thought. After this I had a long think about my orientation. I wasn't straight. I wasn't lesbian, either. I figured I might be bi, I did seem to be keen on girls on the same level as on boys. But it didn't feel right either, as that level was 0. It was funny, I realized I'd never thought about my orientation until that moment, when I was 16. I hadn't ever needed to. I finally decided I must be something else entirely, some glorious anomaly in the world who's wired differently than everybody else. I left it at that. There wasn't any need in figuring it out for now anyway.

I went to the best high school ever. One of its many cool features was that we didn't have s*x-ed classes in the timetables at all. They were done once in a while by a school psychologist when the teacher for any class was absent. This happened during one of my first days and it took me by surprise. It wasn't that bad, I had a book and a few friends to chat and dismiss the teachings entirely with.

I did hear a few sentences, though. The psychologist was speaking about there being different orientations. "And many people don't know that beside heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual people, there also exist asexual people." My head jolted up. I did not need any explanation. As soon as I heard the term, my immediate thought was: "Oh. So I'm asexual. Huh, cool!" It made my day. I was beaming without cease for the rest of it.

I did some research. As soon as I found out the term aromantic, I claimed it as well. There was never any doubt in my mind. And I was the most stereotypical acearo imaginable, too. S*x-repulsed, childlike, innocent, a proud virgin, valuing my friendships more than anything, fairly androgynous, quirky, weird, fantasy loving, romance hating, not being able to understand any of it, turning my head away whenever two characters kissed during a movie, a garlic bread enjoyer. I loved the memes, they were so relatable!

So naturally I bought myself an ace ring to proudly wear, I secretly celebrated every asexual/aromantic awareness dates, and I joined online ace communities.

That was... where the magic bubble started to pop. I just, I couldn't feel myself a part of the group. For instance, everyone was so caught up in being recognized as part of the LGBT+ club, which to me frankly didn't make sense. I mean, I get gay and bi aces wanting to be part of the group, but for aroaces and straight aces, I didn't see what we had in common with the rest of them? But that was bearable, to each their own. What really made me feel sad and unwelcomed were some other things. Firstly, how much talk about s*x there actually was? In an asexual community? Like guys, please, I thought this would be a safe space where we did NOT have to talk about it all the time??? And yeah, I get that not every ace is s*x-repulsed and negative about the topic, but do we really feel the need to stress it so much on every possible occasion and to top it all go into nsfw topics on main so much that it's really getting uncomfortable, even with all the tw and cw? Secondly, from the content of the posts it seemed that somehow being ace and/or aro is inextricably intertwined with being a leftist? Why are you all talking about abortion bans? Why are you advocating for which US president to vote for?? Why are you so proudly defending prostitution??? And why are you making fun of Christians so much???? And all in a way that would suggest we all universally agree, how could we not.

I realized something during this time. I realized what orientation really was, or rather, what it was not. It was just that - orientation. The one and only thing it said about someone was who they were attracted to. Which honestly is not a thing I feel the need to know about people. What it did not say about someone was: how they go about experiencing their orientation, what their ideal family looks like, what their worldview is, what their stance on social/political/religious issues is, whether they feel a part of LGBT+ communities or not, what their lifestyle is, what other traits they possess, and so on (y'know, the things that would actually interest me about someone).

After three years I took off my ace ring. I cut ties with any queer groups I was in. I was looking for a place to find like-minded people where we all would share confusion about the world's obsession with s*x, where we would celebrate other forms of relationships and intimacy than erotic and romantic ones, where we would value virginity and celibacy, where no one would tell us we were broken or worse for it, where we would ensure each other that different lifestyles than married with biological children are possible and out there, where we would laugh together and feel good about ourselves.

I didn't find this in queer spaces.

I found it in the Church.

[sabo-has-my-heart]

*Rolling on the floor blushing* I'm not sure if you remember me but I'm the one requesting the turn back in time fics.

This time may I get a traditional Valentines Day trope between Ace and fem! Reader where Ace is the famous boy at school and reader is like the typical strict girl type that doesn't like Ace, while the others are all charmed by him.

Ace has a big crush on reader and is secretly hoping to receive something from reader. Reader is giving him a friend chocolate only (Giri type) and has a batch of failed Honmei choco in her bag. When giving Ace the Giri choco, Ace notices the Honmei and thought Reader has a crush on someone else.

A heartbroken with a fluff ending is probably what I'm looking for, but feel free to change anything to make it more comfortable for you to write. Thank you and keep up the great work!!

So I've actually been kind of looking forward to writing this one, I do my best to write requests in the order that they're received, so I was really happy to finally get to this one. Also, there are some fics that I love the idea and some fics that just turn out beautifully in my opinion, the stars aligned and this was both. Thank you for sending this in (as well as the turn back time fic, I absolutely adored writing that)

Warnings: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort

Word Count: 1810

     You glared down at the misshapen chocolates in irritation. You got some of the best grades in the school, you were smart, you studied hard, and you worked hard, how could you not make a simple batch of Honmei?! Pouring the chocolates into another cute bag, you quickly wrapped them. Who were you even going to give them to? You had a few friends but you weren’t crushing on any of them. There were other smart or hard working students, but they didn’t really interest you either… him, maybe? No! No, you didn’t have a crush! So why’d you worked so hard on these?! You… you must have stayed up too late studying! Yeah, that’s it, you’d stayed up too late and were sleep deprived, people made all sorts of mistakes when they were sleep deprived!

     Ace held another bag of chocolate to be stuffed in his locker, brow furrowing at the large number already inside. Would he even be able to fit anymore inside? Bag after bag of Honmei, girls confessing their feelings for him. He really needed a bigger locker. As the most popular boy in school, it didn’t surprise him. He was attractive, charismatic, fun, the kind of guy all the girls seemed to want. Well, all but one. A studious girl, often kept her hair pulled back to keep it out of her face, plain clothing, and nose often found in a book. Someone almost nobody paid attention to. You’d first grabbed his attention on one of the few mornings he’d been early and you’d been late. It was rare, but the stars seemed to have aligned that day. Seeing you running down the street, hair tie in your mouth, pulling your hair back as you ran. You’d had to drop your hair in favor of catching your bag which had fallen off your shoulder. His heart had skipped a beat. You looked beautiful with your hair down and slightly disheveled. He’d started paying more attention to you after that. It helped that his ever studious brother knew you. He fell for you. Hard.

     Standing in front of Ace, you held out a package of Giri, the boy tentatively taking the bag. Giri… friend chocolate… his heart caught in his throat.

     “Thanks, Y/n, but what’s this for?” he asked, as if he had no idea why someone like you would give him chocolate. It was kind of true. You were studious, he goofed off, you were quiet, he was loud, you were barely noticed, he was the school’s superstar. 

     “You’re Sabo’s brother. It’s only right.” you said, looking at the floor. You never could look him in the eye. Right. You were friends with his brother. The two of you had worked on a project together, your combined intelligence meaning that even the teacher couldn’t keep up. You’d, understandably, received the best grade, “Thinking of Sabo, have you seen him? I have some for him too.” you said, opening your bag to dig out the chocolates you had for him. Seeing the 3 bags of Honmei, Ace’s heart went from his throat to the pit of his stomach. Three Honmei… three Honmei! And you were looking for his brother? Ace turned away, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

     “Not since this morning. I gotta go. Thanks for the chocolate.” Ace said coldly, walking away from you, heartbroken. Sighing, you held another package of Giri, Ace hadn’t seen his brother, meaning you’d have to track the boy down yourself to give him the Giri you’d gotten for him. 

     It took some time, but you eventually tracked Sabo down, handing him the chocolate, the boy immediately popping one into his mouth.

     “Thanks, Y/n. You always know where to buy the best chocolate.” Sabo said with a smile.

     “Yeah, wish I could have made them though.” you said with a small huff, confusing the boy.

     “Make them? Why? They’re friend chocolate. It’s not Honmei.” Sabo said with a shrug. You just shook your head, digging in your bag.

     “You’re a good friend of mine. Of course I’d like to make them myself.” you said with a small smile.

     “Well, have you ever tried? You’re pretty cool, I bet they’d turn out great.” Sabo said with a grin. Shaking your head, you pulled out one of the bags of Honmei.

     “This was my third batch, the first two were even worse. I got the taste on this one right, but they just…” you trailed off as Sabo looked closely at the chocolate. Grabbing one of the things of Honmei from your bag, he opened it and tried one. His brow furrowed, looking down at the chocolate. They tasted fine to him. They looked lumpy and misshapen and they weren’t professional chocolate level kind of taste, but they were fine.

     “If this is ‘bad’ then I’d really like to see what you consider a success.” Sabo said, grabbing another and eating it. You looked at him in disbelief, he liked them? Taking the other bag from you, he opened it and tried the chocolate inside, his eyes lighting up.

     “Y/n, these are amazing! Who cares what they look like! Alright, who’s the lucky guy?” Sabo asked, looking at you eagerly.

     From his spot around the corner, Ace’s heart shattered further. Sabo had tried two of the things of your Honmei. He’d snagged one after you’d offered him the other. Now the look on his brother’s face after trying the one you’d first given him… he couldn’t hear your conversation, but seeing his brother’s face, he didn’t need to… you liked him and he liked you back. He quickly left, not wanting to watch as his brother got the girl he’d dreamed of. His beautiful little smart girl. 

     Sabo looked at you stunned, his brother? You’d made them for his brother? And three batches?!

     “Y/n, come on! You’ve got to be kidding me! You gave him Giri because you thought these weren’t good enough? You know my brother doesn’t give a shit! They could taste like hell and look like…” Sabo looked away for a moment, “He’d still love them though! He’s a bottomless pit! He’d devour them!” Sabo said excitedly, quickly tying the bags back up before stuffing them back in your bag.

     “Shut up! I only just realized I feel that way about him, alright! Of course I gave him Giri instead of these!” you protested, looking away in embarrassment. 

     “Well then go fucking find him! Tell him you meant to give him these! Tell him… tell him you were too shy at first! Yeah! Just, give them to him before some other girl gets him!” Sabo said, pushing you out the door before you could protest. Sighing, you looked down at the bags of chocolate in your school bag. Did Sabo have a point? Maybe it was best if you did. Nervously, you looked for the boy, smiling slightly when you found him on the rooftop between classes. He was always either in the cafeteria or on the roof. He currently had his back leaning against the fence, bags and bags of Honmei at his side, tossing chocolate off the roof piece by piece. You vaguely wondered how many chocolates were now on the ground. Walking up to the boy, you noticed the upset look on his face. To his other side was the Giri chocolate you’d given him, half gone. Maybe on the ground as well?

     “Ace? I uh, that’s a waste of perfectly good chocolate.” you said tentatively, watching as he threw another piece angrily.

     “What do you care? It’s not like any of them are from you so I’m not wasting anything you gave me.” he said bitterly, grabbing one of the Giri that you’d given him, eating it as he threw another chocolate, “the Honmei you made went to my brother, so it’s fine.” he said, making you tilt your head in confusion.

     “Why would you think I gave Honmei to Sabo? He’s my friend and I gave him some Giri, but I don’t feel like that towards him.” you said, Ace’s look of irritation turned to outright rage.

     “Don’t fucking lie to me. I saw you giving them to him, watched him try them. I hate liars.” he said, grabbing a handful of chocolate this time, pulling his arm back and giving them a strong swing. Looking at him, you couldn’t help but huff.

     “He was trying them for me before I gave them to the guy I actually like. I thought they weren’t good enough.” you said, pulling the bags out and showing them to him. Ace stopped, looking at the three little bags in your hands.

     “Who’s the lucky guy?” Ace asked, looking up at you, his heart still aching. Kneeling down next to him, you took out a cloth, cleaning the chocolate from his hand before placing the bags in his palm.

     “I was�� scared. You get so many from the other girls. They’re misshapen and they don’t taste as good as I’d like them to. But… you don’t have to like them. You can throw them off the roof too, if you’d like. I just thought I’d let you know how I feel.” you said softly, looking down at your lap. Ace stared at you in shock for a moment before opening one to the bags. You closed your eyes, you didn’t want to watch him reject you, didn’t want to see the chocolate you’d worked so hard on be tossed off the roof.

     “They’re really good. I’m glad you gave them to me.” Ace said softly, making you look at them. He was already putting another piece of your strange looking confection in his mouth. All you could do was stare at him in surprise, he… liked them? He accepted them?

     “I uh, wanna help me get rid of these? The only ones I’m concerned with are the ones from you.” he said, gesturing to the Honmei from the other girls. You smiled softly, glancing at the chocolate.

     “Why don’t we find a better use that doesn’t involve littering? Chocolate isn’t good for animals.” you said, making him chuckle.

     “Then how about we go pick up what I already threw before we give these away. Help me out?” he asked, standing up and offering you his hand. You nodded, taking his hand and standing up. You didn’t want to let go of his hand, but he had a lot of chocolate to get rid of and he was going to need your help… maybe you could dump them on his brother, Luffy. The boy wouldn’t care what kind of chocolates they were, he’d demolish them in 5 minutes flat. You were just happy that the only chocolates he wanted, the only chocolates he was truly accepting were the ones from you. 

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Help I'm crisising

I'm aroace and i have this friend who I've known for a couple years but only gotten close two in the last few months, and I really like her. I've had a weird alterous attraction crush on her for literal years and recently now that we've gotten closer I'm wondering if we could someday be in some sort of qpr thing. I know she's some sort of queer, and she knows that I am, though not specifically aroace, and I know she's not in any relationships.

The problem is:

I'm really confused about what I feel, cause I've never felt anything close to this for anyone, ever, and I'm also really aware that she's one of the first friends and definitely the closest that I've had since a major depressive episode I had that lasted 1-2 years and so I'm worried that maybe I'm kinda latching on to her to feel normal and not lonely anymore. Basically I'm just constantly second-guessing my feelings, but I also have pretty solid evidence that I shouldn't trust myself with them.

I don't know what she knows about being aroace, and I don't know if she'd be interested in a QPR

I don't know if she's interested in me. She definitely likes as a friend, but I'm horrible at telling what feelings people have towards me beyond than friendly, angry, or indifferent

And if ever she made a move on me, I'd be into it, but I don't know how to explain "actually I'm aroace and so like half of the things you'd expect out of an allo dating relationship are off the table, and also I will never be able to love you in the way most would people expect from me" Also, at what point do you even bring that up? Before or after doing anything? The inciting incident of all this was today when she was driving me home from her place and while we were leaving her brother was bugging me to tell him about her love life and asking questions like "Does she have a bf/gf? Is she dating (other friend of hers)?" and "Are you two dating? Are you going to kiss in the car?" and she told him to stop and not make me uncomfortable, but in my head I was just thinking "not as uncomfortable as you think." And then I was thinking about maybe kissing her the whole car ride, and I was kinda hoping maybe she would. Sorry for the massive wall of text I'm overthinking everything and driving myself mad. I don't have anyone who knows I'm queer besides her so I have nobody to talk to about this.

First of all Anon, remember that it's OK to be confused, and it's OK to not be quite sure what you want. You're navigating these feelings for the first time, and they're generally big feelings which can also make them harder to decipher, especially in the moment.

Sometimes imagining different scenarios can help and sometimes certain scenarios will appeal to you a lot more (remember QPRs are heavily tailored, and can include and not include whatever the people in them want). Sometimes journaling can help with sorting out what you're feeling too, and if you're not sure where to start, there's a lot of good tips for effective journaling online.

It is OK to not have everything figured out right away. Sometimes things also play out over time, you can talk and try things out and see where things go. Honestly my advice would probably be to just start by telling her you're aroace and, if this is something you want to pursue, talking about QPRs, or how aroaces sometimes do relationships a bit differently where the relationship can be tailored to each other/pick and choose what that relationship involves or not. And maybe that would be something that appeals to her, maybe it won't, and you can take note of how you're feeling too. (Of course if you decide you prefer the relatioship you have with her now and don't want to change anything, that's an option too.)

Go easy on yourself, you're figuring all this out as you go. Remember there's two ways this can go, either things work out how you want them to, which would be great, or they won't and you'll still learn a lot in the process and be a lot more ready and prepared the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.

All the best, and good luck!

[internetgiraffekid1673]

Hey giraffe! Saw you reblogged the post about random asks to get to know you better, so I thought I’d ask ☺️ (if it’s too personal, I won’t be offended if you don’t want to answer): When did you realize you were ace/aro, and do you identify with any micro labels?

Thanks for asking! Not offensive at all!

First off, yeah, I do use microlabels. I'm sex-repulsed or apothisexual and romance-indifferent or icularomantic. That basically means I want absolutely nothing to do with sex and wouldn't touch it with a 39 and a half foot pole, but I'm chill with romance. I don't actively seek out a romantic relationship or anything, but I'm not upset or weirded out by the idea of being in a romantic relationship.

I realized I was ace and that I was aro sort of separately, and I don't think I really had a single "AHA!" moment for either.

The first time my orientation really even crossed my mind was my sophomore year of high school when a girl in my orchestra class pulled me aside randomly one day and asked what my sexuality was. I had never had a crush or any sort of feelings for anybody before, but I kind of just assumed it would come at some point. Before that moment, I would have just said I was straight, but something about how she asked the question made me pause and think about it. I eventually told her, "I don't know. I've never felt that way about anyone before."

It kind of went to the back of my mind until my junior year when I started watching Overly Sarcastic Productions on YouTube. One of the main content creators there, Red, is openly asexual. That was the first time I had ever heard the term or heard of someone else who'd never had those feelings, and I found I related to a lot of her experiences. I think, over the course of that year, I slowly started applying the "maybe I'm ace" mindset, and it really did fit. It felt right, and by my senior year, I was just like "yeah, I'm asexual."

The thing is, it wasn't really important enough for me at the time to go digging on everything that meant. I had a word to explain how I felt, and I didn't really feel the need for anything else at the time. It didn't help that my religion is queerphobic (I'm not. Most individuals I know are not, but the policies as a whole are, and it's a thing that drives us all crazy. You can find more information about it on the queerstake or tumblrstake tags). I lived in a very small rural town that was pretty much all that religion too, so between those two things, nobody really learned about queer stuff unless they were queer and went looking or had queer friends who talked about it. And since I wasn't super close with any other queer people at that point and didn't know much about the queer community in general, I wasn't really aware that aromanticism and asexuality were two separate things.

It wasn't until sometime in the summer after I graduated that I was made aware of the distinction. I didn't feel the outright repulsion to romance as I did sex, but I had also never felt romantic attraction and had no desire for a romantic relationship, so I wasn't really sure where I was with that. Like, I knew for sure I was ace, but I didn't know enough about the arospec to really know how I felt about identifying that way. So I adopted "grayromantic" for that period of time.

When I went to college, I suddenly met a LOT of queer people, and was online a lot more. This meant I had the opportunity to be in a community of aspecs for the first time, and I ended out finding a YouTube video that went over the intricacies over the arospec and some of it's microlabels. But I also wasn't out to anybody yet, so I felt like I could take my time coming up with a label that fit me better.

Finally, I got a roommate second semester who was bisexual and who I talked to a lot. Eventually, I had a conversation with her about my aromanticism, and she was like, "Honey, you've never had a fictional crush. You ARE aromantic." And I was like, "Huh. I guess you're right."

So I've been actively identifying as fully aroace for about 5 months now, which is also coincidentally when I started using Tumblr, but I actually just found my microlabels 10 days ago! I made a long rambling post (like I do) about how I experience love, and was given some suggestions by the lovely @aroacemagicstar! So all the thanks to them!

Again, thanks for asking me!

[britneyshakespeare]

[britney spears’ voice in the beginning of break the ice] it’s been awhile

[unlikelyjedi]

Haikyuu!! Pride Headcanons (Other Teams)

This list of headcanons is for the characters that aren't from Karasuno. If you'd like to see my headcanons for Karasuno, that list is linked here!!

To round off Haikyuu!!, this list will cover the other major players in the anime and manga. I'll try to cover all the obvious ones (Atsumu, Oikawa, etc.) but it's totally possible I'll miss your fav. I can only cover so many before I lose my mind, so please keep that in mind and if you want to hear my take on a character I didn't cover, my ask is always open!!

Disclaimer: This list is for fun. I know I’m coming from this at a western view of queer readings and that’s not always the correct way to view a work, nor the only way to look at a work. I’m just doing this for my enjoyment. Art is Subjective. Don’t take me too seriously.

Alrighty, folks! Let's go!

Kozume Kenma (he/they): Gay, Non-Binary

I like the non-binary headcanon for Kenma. I think to a certain extent they always knew they weren't a boy, but didn't have the language to address it until high school. Nobody else really cared and Kuroo was always affirming.

Kuroo Tetsurou (he/him): Bisexual, Ace-spec

Discovered a lot of good fics with Ace-spec Kuroo and I think it fits his character!! I think he's fine with sex, he's just not one to seek it out unless it's a specific person and still not too often.

Bokuto Koutarou (he/him): Pansexual

Who cares about gender?? If a person is good, then he likes 'em!!! He just wants praise and affection and love!!

Akaashi Keiji (he/him): Bisexual, Demisexual, Genderqueer

What is gender anyway?? Is he a boy? Sure, he guesses. He could be anything else, too. It's not really that important to him. You could call him a girl and that'd be just fine too. He doesn't particularly care about other people's gender when looking for a partner either. He just needs to build a firm platonic relationship before sparks can fly.

Oikawa Tooru (he/him): Bisexual

This feels obvious. I feel like this man knew he liked men and women from Day 1. Although he didn't realize he had a crush on his best friend until after his longtime gf broke up with him. That was the real crisis.

Iwaizumi Hajime (he/him): Gay

Yeah, he's gay. What's it to you? Gotta problem with it? Go ahead. Try and be homophobic. He'll kick in your teeth. And that's only if you survive the rest of Aoba Josai's wrath.

Ushijima Wakatoshi (he/him): Asexual, Gay

Men? yes.

Sex? no.

Hotel? Trivago.

Sakusa Kiyoomi (he/him): Gay, Demisexual

Good ol' Omi-Omi! People say he plays hard to get, but it's probably just because he actually doesn't like you. Stop bothering the poor man.

Miya Atsumu (he/him): Bisexual

This feels obvious to me. Mostly men-attracted. Would like to date one(1) Sakusa Kiyoomi and/or one(1) Hinata Shouyo.

Miya Osamu (he/him): Queer

He's not straight. He hasn't thought much beyond that and doesn't really feel the need to. Queer is just what he tells people when asked.

Suna Rintarou (he/him): Gay

He likes men. It's not really something that comes up unless his boyfriend is with him. It's not a secret, nor has he ever intended it to be. If you think he's straight, that's a you problem.

Kita Shinsuke (he/him): Pansexual

Gender isn't a barrier to attraction to him. He likes all kinds of people.

Ojiro Aran (he/him): Bisexual

I couldn't not include Aran on my list! I love him!

He likes multiple genders. I don't think he knew right away. In fact, he probably went through a bit of a crisis trying to figure out if he was gay or if he was straight and just pretending? I think he suffers from the bi-cycle and it's only with the help of his affirming team that he can rise above his own internalized bi-phobia. (might be projecting a little, hmmmmmmmm)

That concludes Haikyuu!! headcanons!! I'm glad I got this out in a timely manner!

I feel like I put in a lot of work for something only a handful of people will see, but I physically cannot make a post without putting a bit of my soul into it, I guess.

Oh well!

Next up: A Cursed Series!!!

[isitstraightvodka]

Strip

in which gwil doesn't like you and it's your mission to find out why.

pairing: gwilym lee x fem!reader

word count: 4.5k+

warnings: enemies to lovers, smut (the rough kind), oral (both m and f receiving), angst, swearing, alcohol use

a/n: hello my loves! i present to u what i have been working on for a while, it's filthy so read ahead w caution 😂😳 i really hope u enjoy it and please let me know if u do. any feedback, asks / rbs, would be much appreciated xx also gif credit is @mazzelloplots​ 💕

࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ.·:*¨༺

You had no idea what you'd done for Gwil to hate your guts but it must be dead serious because he just about didn't give you any attention whenever you were in the same room. It was infuriating, as each day passed, you racked your brain to remember if you'd done or said anything for him to act like this around you but as always, nothing came to mind. All you got was a cold stare, or no eye contact at all, and at the very least, a few sentences but that was it. It made it even worse that both of you were friends with Ben, after all that's how you were introduced to each other, you figured he'd be a good guy as was evident the first time you met, a regular mutual friend greeting; first handshake, small smiles and twinkling new eyes but ever since then, everything had changed.

Every time you went out and saw Gwil, he either said nothing to you but "Hi." or he'd rush off somewhere else the moment you approached him. The cold shoulder did not do anything for your confidence, you were a friendly person and loved meeting new people but this was something else entirely, the confusion soon turned to tension and anger, ripping at your hair during lonely nights in your apartment, thinking why doesn't he like me? Then you went to Ben who just shrugged and said he'd warm up to you eventually, which you found incredibly difficult to believe, you weren't having it, it had been almost half a year and no progress, you'd had enough, you had to confront him.

Your opportunity arose only a week later, during a party at Joe's house.  it made your muscles tense up knowing you were going to see Gwil, and it wasn't fair of him to give you this sort of treatment without a shred of explanation. Everything was in full-swing when you arrived by your lonesome, but you didn't waste no longer than ten minutes making your move, so there you were, drink in hand, when you cornered him talking to Lucy. Walking head held high, you approached them, and Lucy smiled when she noticed you, you shared a kiss on the cheek before exchanging respective compliments on each other's looks, then your attention went to him.

"Hey, can I talk to you?"

Both he and Lucy looked at you before the blonde nudged him with her arm, giving him a cool stare, as if to say, "Go sort this out", which was true since you and her had talked about the situation too, and her response was "It's between you and him, so get in there girl and stand up for yourself", and right now, tonight, you were going to heed her advice.

Gwil took a deep breath and walked next to you as you made your way to the nearest room, where it was quiet enough to talk, but the walk there seemed to stretch on for hours instead of a matter of seconds. You could feel the anxiety flooding through your body when his arm brushed your shoulder, you could tell he wasn't looking at you, his fingers gripping his wine glass a little too tight. Some sort of emotion hung between the two of you, you couldn't put your finger on it but it was something strong, something deep, Great another thing for you to be confused about. What you didn't know is that Gwil felt it too. 

After what felt like an age, you entered the guest bedroom, all neat and empty, leaving the impression nobody had stayed in there for a long time. Gwil had his free hand tucked into the pocket of his dark jeans, standing by the door once he closed it, silencing the bustle of the party, but still didn't give you his attention. You took a deep breath and tapped your nail on the rim of your drink, allowing your heartbeat to decrease, opening the conversation very kindly.

"I believe there is something we have to discuss."

All he did was part his lips and take a swig of red wine, leaning back against the wall, crossing one ankle over the other. Not one word left his mouth, he didn't move an inch and it took a lot in you not to start raising your voice. Why does he not want to talk to you? What is up his ass? Fucking say something, you bastard! The tension in the room was too stifling for you to cope with so you spoke again, but harsher.

"Fuck, you should man up and talk to me like a decent bloke, I thought you would be."

And that's when he finally looked at you. Without even realising it, the suddenness of eye contact made shivers run down your spine, deep blue eyes staring into yours, brows furrowed in faint disgust.

"Hate to burst your bubble then, love."

More shivers, rippling throughout your bones so fast you were almost afraid he'd be able to notice you slightly trembling. His voice wasn't supposed to do that....but it did, from the way he said it, from the way you finally saw his eyes in clear view, how fucking hot he looked just standing there, how had you not noticed that before? Because his blind hatred of you clouded that fact. You shook the thoughts out of your head and stood your ground.

"I seriously have no clue why you been acting like this around me. I have been nothing but kind to you, I haven't said one bad word to you, I truly wanted us to be friends but you find an excuse to escape me every chance you get!"

Your cheeks flushed red once the words left your lips, your free hand scrunching up into a fist, nails digging into your palm. Gwil all but sighed and...was that a smirk you saw? No, just a trick of the lights. The point of his shoe tapped the carpet as he looked down at his half-empty glass, collecting his thoughts.

"Not a bad word? I heard you talking to Joe the other week, you called me a dickhead."

"I have every reason to, you barely talk to me. This is the most you've talked to me in weeks."

"If you have reasons, then I have them too."

"Fucking tell me then instead of practically ignoring me! It's childish."

"So I'm the child but you're the one yelling." He cocked an eyebrow, was that another smirk? He's got me so confused? Is that what he wants?

"How do you expect me to react? I haven't appreciated the cold shoulder, Gwilym."

"I don't appreciate you running your mouth."

"Could just tell me whatever reasons you have instead of this."

You and him went back forth, trying to fight each other but it didn't seem to do anything good, it only heightened the tension between you two but a specific kind of tension. One you knew now and one he managed to figured out seeing you in front of him, raising your voice. In this moment, he saw how attractive you were, more so than he already thought, your face heating up and your hair glowing from the muted lights, the dress hugging your body almost provocatively, silver diamonds hanging from your ears and cherry-coloured lips parted slightly between words. You were so sexy and the alcohol buzzing through him wasn't helping, but this was the reason for it all. He fancied you.

"Look, it's complicated." He sighed, resting his head back against the wall. You had to bite back a laugh, is he serious?

"No, it's not. Open your mouth and just tell me."

But it turns out he didn't need to open his mouth, at least not the way you expected him to. It happened swiftly, too fast for you to comprehend, all you really saw was his glass fall to the floor, wine staining the carpet, then he crossed the room over you within three strides, took your face in his hands and crushed his lips against yours.

Your eyes flew open in surprise at the sudden pressure of his kiss...his kiss? You could barely understand what was happening, he held onto you like he needed air to breathe, you could taste the wine on his tongue, it was intoxicating, it felt...nice but was the wine nice or the aggression of his mouth? Questions swirled your mind, it didn't help your emotions during this moment, you didn't realise your mouth had opened on its own which allowed him to slip his tongue in a little and close the gap between you again, the second kiss even harder and more passionate, the softest groan of relief and delight from him ringing in your ears. You almost let yourself fall under his spell before you caught yourself and made a muffled squeak, your hand finding his jacket and pushing him away from you, gasping for a breath.

"What the fuck, Gwil?"

Thoughts circled your head, words bouncing off the walls, your hand brushing over your bottom lip, the gloss transferring to your skin as it had done on his lips, stained and shiny, you were surprised you were still holding your wine glass. He cocked an eyebrow at you as heat rose to his cheeks, he raised his hand almost as if he was apologising but you stopped him, holding up your own hand and shaking your head.

"What was that?"

"I...I kissed you."

"No shit Sherlock! Why? How is that supposed to explain anything?"

"I'm- I..." He couldn't seem to find the right words, he hesitated reaching his hand out further before deciding against it and pushing it back through his hair. You gulped, why is it so hot when he does that? You were so glad he couldn't read your mind right now, if he had heard what you just said, you sure would wish for the floor to open up and swallow you whole.

"You think a kiss is going to solve everything? I'm not some plastic doll for you to play around with however you please."

"I..I know, I just..."

"Just what? I thought you'd tell me with words, I though-"

"Oh for fuck's sake, I like you, okay?"

His pupils were blown wide as much as yours when he half-yelled the words and this time you were sure the glass was going to slip through your fingers but it still didn't, in fact you had a right mind to just down the whole thing after what he told you. You thought he didn't like you...he liked you? If you were confused before, then you were even more now, your hand fell to your side as you stared at him, eyes like glass, you couldn't even blink. Gwil's gaze had turned to the floor, pretending to be interested in the pale white carpet, his fingers moving to the back of his neck where sweat began to form. He waited for you to speak, the seconds ticked by painfully, it felt so long before you said anything.

"You...like me?" You gulped, trying to process his revelation. He chewed on his bottom lip and tucked both hands back into his pocket, nodding as his eyes flicked over to you.

"Yeah, I do, I like you. A lot."

His voice seemed fearful, anxious but with an underlying desperation, like that of a teenager admitting a big brush, it was rather cute in your eyes; first hot now cute? How can he be both? Stop it, stop questioning everything. You cursed yourself, fingers wrapped around your glass harder you thought it might crack. Instead of replying, you drained the wine, it was the only thing you could think of doing. Gwil watched as your throat moved, as you swallowed, he shuddered and prayed he wasn't showing through his pants, now wasn't the best time, especially with how you reacted. You sighed as the last drop fell into your mouth and rushed through your veins, you finally let the glass fall from your grasp and land with a small thud on the carpet. Your fingers came together in front of you, interlacing as you twiddled your thumbs, eyelids fluttering as you collected your thoughts, one deep breath and you looked at him.

"I don't understand. You like me, but you have been acting like you hate me, why do that?"

Gwil didn't answer right away, he fidgeted, hands still in his pockets, his vision now turning to eye the golden lamp on the bedside table. In this light, you could see the sparkle in his eyes, the deepest blue, like a calm ocean, like a pair of warm sapphires, you found yourself not looking away. 

"I didn't mean to be that way, I was just afraid." He said, still not looking at you.

"Why afraid?"

"Of rejection. Of you already being taken. I didn't want to admit anything if I had no chance with you." He confessed, raising one hand out of his pocket to massage his neck, your eyes locked to his fingers, wondering what they'd feel like around your ne- Cut it out! You banished your dirty thought and continued the talk.

"The worst I could say is no, and I'd mean it without any offense. And I'm not taken, I think you'd know if I was."

"That's the thing, I thought you were!"

"How did you come to that conclusion?" You peered at him. He sighed and scratched his beard, stubble littering his cheeks and chin, and right then, another X-rated thought entered your brain, You wonder what that would feel like between your legs...will it tickle? Itch? Arouse you? You think you wanted to know.

"Because you and Ben, and I...didn't want to get in the way"

You and Ben? You gave him a perplexed look as you tried to work out what your friend had got to do with any of this. Ben was really a great guy, you enjoyed his company, years of friendship had blossomed between him and you, and you loved being able to see him when he wasn't busy with his star-studded career, but there wasn't anything there to insinuate something more was happening between you two. 

Then it hit you.

"You thought that Ben...and me...that we...? Oh god no we're just friends!"

You bit back a giggle. Ben was easy on the eyes, anyone could see that, even Joe said it, multiple times, many conversation he'd told you, "That fucker's stupidly gorgeous isn't he?" but he was not your type. He was more like a brother to you than anything else. Sure there was the occasional kiss on the cheek, hugs a little longer than usual, his arm around your waist or ruffling your hair when you told a stupid joke, but friends did that, they could do that without having feelings for each other. Gwil almost lost his balance after what you said, Just friends...Just friends...

"Are you sure? I mean he's the pretty boy."

"Okay he's pretty but he is like family to me, I wouldn't hit that even if I was piss drunk." 

Your mouth curled at the corners, as did his and both of you shared  a small laugh. Your eyes fell upon the empty wine glass on the floor, teeth tugging at your lower lip; you could see Gwil's body shift a little closer, one foot in front of the other, until he was standing before you, chests almost touching. His fingers stroked your jaw, moving underneath your chin to bring your gaze up to his face. He looked...intense but still had a softness behind his eyes, something sweet and hesitant but at the same time, you could feel he wanted to continue the kiss he gave only minutes ago.

"So...no Ben?"

You rested your hand on his wrist, giving him a smile as your eyes went from his to his lips, mouth watering at the memory of them on yours.

"No Ben."

࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ.·:*¨༺

"Gwil..."

His name was like chocolate on your tongue, as his tongue worked over and against your slick folds. One hand in his hair and the other curled behind your head, back arching with every hum he made against you, his mouth was insane, you hadn't felt such pleasure in god knows how long; he really knew what he was doing.  And he seemed to enjoy it as much as you did, smiling as he pressed kisses to your swollen clit, groaning with each flick and lick, with each tug you made on his hair, and that mixed with the feeling of his stubble rubbing your inner thighs and right above your mound as he angled his lips in the most delightful of ways. 

You were getting closer, you could almost taste it, feel it....but he stopped and raised his face from between your legs, his arms still wrapped around your flushed thighs. His mouth was wet, his hair in disarray and his eyes dilated; he looked fucking hot, but right now, you wanted to scream at him for stopping it right when you were about to finish. He could see you were almost angry at how suddenly he pulled away from your heat, he stroked the curve of your left breast as he began to lay down next to you, his free hand resting over his mouth.

"Come sit here."

It took you a few seconds to realise what he meant, your breath got caught in your throat, slowly blinking at him in surprise.

"Are you...are you sure?"

"Yes, you're so beautiful, I'd love nothing more than for you to ride my tongue."

You certainly did not expect something so foul to come out of his mouth but fuck you loved it. A smile grew on your face as you sat up, as he brought his hands to your hips just as you were about to face the headboard, he pushed you in the other direction a tad.

"Sit the other way, baby."

Your cheeks became hot and you were almost embarrassed at how flustered a simple petname made you. You gasped as you got into position, his nose right there against you and in your line of eyesight was his sweaty body, his happy trail disappearing into his jeans, and through those, a bulge was unmistakable.

You'd made him hard and you hadn't done anything but kiss him, you giggled at the reality of it, the embarrassment fading into smugness. Gwil moved his hands over your thighs, giving one of them a slap and you yelped in shock.

"What are you laughing about, huh?"

You bit your lip as you answered.

"You're hard."

"O'course I fucking am. Eating you out did that to me, hell you make me hard just by looking at me." He murmured on you, and before you could say anything, his tongue was back on you, licking back and forth, covering the length of your heat, he didn't leave one spot untouched by his tongue. Moans flew out of your mouth, sweat beading on your skin as he switched between his lips and his tongue, going so far as to telling you to bounce, and doing that was one hell of an experience. You leaned forward and raised your hips so you could move more, his tongue stuck out flat so you could feel it inside you, warming you up, stretching you out, he really cared about making you feel good and giving you the best feeling before you reached your high.

Your hands latched onto the belt around his jeans, curled over his body, grinding over his mouth, his facial hair once again giving you that cherry on top, his growls of hunger and delight pushing you over the edge. One palm slapped your ass cheeks, his name flowing from your lips again.

"Cum for me, cum on my face, sweet girl."

And you did just that, body shaking as you rode out your orgasm on his face, his lips never detaching from your clit, intending to make you have the most explosive high, and it sure felt like that. Your toes and fingers were on fire, your heart shot through the roof and you had trouble catching your breath as he lapped you up, "Mm you taste so good", another slap to your ass, chuckling against your heat, nose bumping on your clit, making you whimper a little given how sensitive you were. You slowly sat up and ran a hand through your damp hair, laughing through deep breathes.

"Fuck, you're amazing at that."

"Thought I wouldn't be?" You could feel his smirk beneath you.

"No no, just...wow."

Gwil smirked wider and gave your clit one last kiss, your eyes back on the even-harder bulge in his jeans. He'd just made you feel incredible. You wanted to do the same to him. So instead of moving from your position, you simply leaned down over his toned chest and started unbuckling his belt.

"Oh I see someone's hungry too." He laughed, hands resting on your red ass. Something came over you, the sexual side of you suddenly arose and within seconds, his belt was off and you were pulling his jeans down. He gave you some help by lifting his hips, you pushed them down to his knees and now you could see how hard he actually was, almost bursting to be released from the prison of his boxers. You didn't want to keep him waiting, you giggled and tucked your fingers into them, and pushed them down to join his jeans, more giggles spilling out when you got the first proper look at his cock.

The tip was pink, precum already forming, he was thick, very girthy, bigger than you thought but still you weren't that surprised. You slipped your fingers around him and gripped him and he hissed, his breath hot on your cunt. You smiled to yourself and pumped him a few times, relishing how warm and hard he was in your hand, the pads of your fingers rubbing over the veins, satisfied with your work, you puckered your lips and wrapped them around the head of his cock, and the noise he made was so fucking sexy, the sweetest groan and the hottest whine.

"Holy shit..."

You concentrated on where you sucked and moved your mouth, your hand tight around the base of his shaft. From previous experiences, you knew lubricant of any kind worked a treat, so you took a moment to pull your lips off and spit over the head, gently rubbing wetness all over his length; that got him considering the deep moans he was making right against your clit. Feeling his mouth so close to you while you sucked him off made you powerful, like you had him in your corner, it was your turn to give him pleasure and in his hand, he hadn't felt this good in a long time. 

When his eyes were open, they were on your cunt, fucking you with his vision, his hands moving from your ass to your hips to your upper thighs, gripping your skin as his own hips started to move with your mouth and before long, Gwil was fucking your mouth. You choked and whimpered around his cock, delicious sounds from his perspective, leaving marks on your ass from how hard he was holding you.

"Your mouth's so warm and tight fuck baby I-"

His words encouraged you to do more, fingers away from his cock and moving to his balls, you grabbed one and he let out a cry of delight, jerking his hips up faster until your eyes started to water; it burned but it was a good burn, making Gwil feel this way made you feel good, pleasing him made you feel good. As you squeezed his balls, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, neck craned all the way back over the pillow, his toes curling over the end of the bed. Your own thighs started to shake and your throat tightened around him, and he lost his hand.

"Just like that, yeah."

And with your mouth around him and your fingers gripping his balls, he finished, quicker than you thought; it wasn't even three minutes and you tasted hot thickness, his cum, him. You gagged a little as you removed your lips softly like sucking a lollipop, strings of your saliva dripping from his cock. You gasped and swallowed; you never spat out, it was a rule you gave yourself, what a waste it would be to spit, especially after sucking Gwil off, and speaking of him, his breath was heavy and fast, chest puffing in and out as he came down from his high, eyes glittering and a cheesy grin on his face.

"You're amazing at that."

All you could do was giggle and say, "I know."

࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ.·:*¨༺

He was buried deep inside your walls, stretching out every inch and corner of you, the strokes of his cock were heavenly, easily hitting your g-spot over and over again. Your legs were wrapped high around his waist, ankles crossed over, nails digging into his back and dragging down his spine, one of his hands gripping the headboard and the other on your thigh, keeping you in place as he fucked you raw.

"Gwil, Gwil...please.." 

"Please what? What do you want?" He grunted between thrusts. Tears burned your lids as your hips smashed with his, lips inches away from his, his warm breath setting your face alight.

"Please...I want to cum, I want us to cum together..."

"Oh fuck.."

The way he moved got harder, faster, more aggressive to the point where your legs were turning into jelly and all you could feel was his stiff cock, you could not even get a proper sentence out anymore, if you did, it was laced with high whines. As his body meshed with your own, your eyes glanced at his arm, where his hand held onto the headboard with so much force you wondered why it hadn't broken. You felt yourself melt into the bed at the sight of his bicep, skin wrapped thin around the muscles, a sheen of sweat coating over his arm, more sweat on his forehead and at the back of his neck, face dipping close to your jaw, the air humid between the two of you.

"I'm gonna cum, shit- but I'm not wear-"

"I'm..on the p-p-pill, cum in me, Gwil." You gripped at him, pulling his chest closer, clenching your cunt around him, desperate for him to finish. The "fucking hell" told you he was only seconds away and sure enough, you felt it, you felt his orgasm, how his cock pulsated inside you, even better inside you than in your mouth and you followed barely a minute after when he was still riding out his high, your back off the bed and your legs trembling around him, harsh scratches left deep in his back because of you. 

Gwil collapsed on top of you, your fingers finding their way into his sweaty hair, as he slowly pulled out of you, the remnants of what you'd just did together dripping down your thigh, something he found extremely attractive. He attached his lips to yours in a passionate sweet kiss, as if you two hadn't just fucked each other's brains out, smiling as he broke the kiss and pressed another to your nose.

"Didn't think this would happen coming here tonight." He guffawed, rolling off you to get comfortable beside you. Like second nature, you curled up into him, your arm draped over his chest and his over your shoulders, sheets askew down to his waist as well as yours; to the both of you, cuddling after sex was as special as the act of sex itself.

"Neither did I...but I like that it happened." You smiled up at him. His fingers stroked your hair, his lips against the top of your head.

"Yeah? Me too."

You and Gwil stayed there, having cuddle time and striking up a conversation about what this meant for your relationship; you liked him and he liked you but for right now, it was agreed upon that the sex was great and that's what it would be, unless deeper feelings crept in. Time was lost, you felt safe with him, his hand in your hair as you traced patterns on his skin, but as much as you loved having this, you knew you couldn't stay here all night.

"We should get back. Everyone will be wondering where we are." You sat up and gathered the sheets up to your chest, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. Gwil joined you and rubbed the back of his neck.

"You're right about that, let's go, love." He said, and just as he was about to get out of the bed, there was a knock at the door followed by a very familiar American accent.

"I don't know what's happening in there but if you two are done defiling MY guest bedroom, you'd better come out and watch Ben do Jell-O shots off me." 

You burst out laughing and your head fell into Gwil's neck at Joe's statement, he chuckled along with you and sighed deeply, eyebrows raised; he didn't want to leave this room either, not with having you in the bed, gloriously naked and beautiful. But still, the two of you had to rejoin the party. He kissed your temple and rubbed your shoulder as giggles slipped through your lips, he couldn't help but smile even wider at the sound of your laughter.

"Well well we can't miss that, can we?"

taglist: @rhapsodyrecs​ / @bens-jawline​ / @itsametaphorgwil​ / @queen-paladin​ / @joeneslee​ / @almightygwil​ / @deacyblues​ / @zyanmaik​ / @hermajestyborhap​ / @yourlocalmusicalprostitute​ / @coincidence-ithinknots-blog​ / @grigorlee​ / @captvinswaan​ / @taliaphobia​ / @gwil-lee​ / @hannafuckingsucks​ / @benders-diamond-earring​ / @supersonicfreddie​

[tundrainafrica]

hi, maybe you're tired about this kind of convie regarding hange's gender but i really need your opinion. is it that wrong if i consider hange as a she? istg i'm not anythingphobic, i'm just still stuck with female hange in anime. i stan aot since 2013 and felt just fine to open up about my preference in hange's gender but lately, considering hange as a she is like the most sinful thing in the whole planet and even being attacked and i don't know what to feel about it. 😩

Thank you for the ask anon! 

Lmao, I am tired of this discourse but I’ve kinda accepted that it’s never gonna end really so I’m still happy to give you my opinion about this again. 

I have written about it here.

Before I go into this long ramble again I’d like to clarify some terms which tend to pepper the discourse of gender, sexuality etc etc etc. 

Biological Sex: What genitalia where you born with? Either born male, female or with both genitalia. 

Gender: What do you identify as? CIS, Trans, Nonbinary etc.

Sexuality: Who are you attracted to? Homosexual, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Asexual, Pansexual etc. 

Gender roles: Where do you fall on the gradient? Feminine, Masculine etc. 

And the point of this is, the discourse on gender is soooo complicated. Like very complicated because Hange being interpreted as NB to some people only covers the question of gender. Like these do not cover every other facet of the gender sexuality discourse. 

Because everything up there is ‘mutually exclusive’ to a degree because everyone is so complex. Like you can take a random option in each of those, fit it together in our heads and you would still come up with a realistic person. Because that is how complex human beings are. I have friends who decided to get a boyfriend, realized they were trans, transitioned to male but had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I have a butch lesbian friend who dated a few guys then decided to date girls then decided to transition. You have me who literally tried everything on the sexuality spectrum, crushed on a few girls in high school, crushed on a few more girls in college, thought I was asexual for a while, fell in love with a guy and realized I love dick. 

You can actually have a biological male who identifies as nonbinary but is bisexual  but has feminine tendencies. 

And that’s why even I find it so confusing to address the issue of non binary Hange vs female Hange. Because they are not even in the same bracket. Like we can have a non binary female feminine bisexual Hange all at the same time if you think about it. 

If you have read all my fics and all of my meta about Hange, you would see that I refer to her as a ‘she,’ but at the same time, I do not portray Hange as overly feminine. I headcanon that Hange has tried dating women and I also head canon that Hange has female genitalia (yo, I write preggo Hange fics). She actually falls somewhere in the middle. And what makes the gender part so hard to consider is because usually whether someone decides to identify as CIS, NB or Trans is up to the person. 

And there are just so many other hcs I want to tackle as a fanfiction writer and as a Hange stan beyond her gender and that’s why I don’t really headcanon the whole discovery part because even as a kid, I have never been so particular about my gender. I know I’m a biologically a woman, I have feminine and masculine tendencies. I have loved both men and women. but gender just seemed like just a decision which I just didn’t want to think too hard about.

I mean where I live, my first language doesn’t have gender pronouns so I can avoid the whole discourse altogether by just using Tagalog. I’m the type of person who will just have this person think I’m a man all the way until they meet me because I just wanna get things done and I feel no need to correct people. My first crushes were all women, despite my being a woman and the first people I have ever loved were women and I didn’t want to decide whether I was bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual etc. yet because even teenage me just found it way too complex and too final and just went around saying I liked this girl or I liked this guy and generally because I’m that type of person, I don’t spend a lot of my time thinking about gender even in a fandom space unless somebody asks.   

And does it make me homophobic/LGBT-phobic etc etc for deciding to use ‘she’ and deciding to tackle questions about Hange beyond her gender? No. Like this conclusion is inherently flawed. I was hella gay for a huge point in my life. 99% of my crushes were women. Then there was this period where I didn’t enjoy romance The only guy irl I have ever crushed on is my current boyfriend. But even when I explored my own gender, sexuality, it was always an ��in the back of my mind’ thing. I didn’t have huge personal metas about what exactly my gender was or where exactly I fall or what pronouns I prefer.

And nobody is obliged to look so deep into this discourse. The important thing is in real life, we respect people’s pronouns, we respect the names they want to go by and we respect people’s preferences (as long as they aren’t dangerously criminal.)

And the thing is, this isn’t even real life. This is a fandom space. And in a fandom space, everyone is literally interpreting characters however they want. We have people literally pairing off Levi with both men and women and technically we’re assuming Levi’s gender, sexuality etc. Sure it might diverge from canon but does that make our headcanon any less than the others? Like Levi’s sexuality has never been confirmed and technically we’re all just assuming what kind of person Levi would have wanted to fuck right? Like every yaoi pairing, every ship is just fans assuming someones gender, assuming someone’s sexuality. 

And sure people could argue, ‘Yams’ didn’t confirm her gender. But Yam’s didn’t confirm anyone’s sexuality either but here we are pairing Mikasa off with Annie then pairing Mikasa off with Eren. Like same energy with ships, are there ships which are inherently superior to others? And technically, I could headcanon Levi as a woman if I wanted to and no one could stop me. I mean sure let’s celebrate that some of our headcanon and preferences have been acknowledged but what battle are we trying to win here really. 

To answer your question, it is not wrong. Having any opinion and having whatever headcanon you have about any fandom in this space is not wrong.

Sure, Hange is a comfort character to many people for various reasons. Hange is a comfort character for me but Hange is not any single person’s comfort character. Hange is a gift to us by Yams to interpret and play with however we want. Hell, every other character we’ve ever grown to love was a gift to all of us by the author. And we can choose to hc them however we want. That is the magic of fandoms.

If I wanted to, I could make some eruri and ereri mpreg fics for the kicks, I could interpret Levi as every single gender, sexuality on the spectrum and it would be just as valid. I mean I won’t because I don’t jive with those headcanons or those types of ships but I would respect people who have those types of preferences.

This space is free for everyone. We can choose what we want to consume and we can choose how we want to interpret characters. 

The only responsibility we have as fans is to use the right warnings when we post shit and to respect everybody else’s preferences. 

What I would consider ‘sinful’ is just dropping some unnecessary hate into a place which is supposed to be our safe space or pushing an agenda or an opinion and being hateful about it in the process. Like sure, spread your agenda, spread your opinions and your headcanons but please be nice about it.

We’re all just sad people trying to survive in this crapsack world.

[kayzume]

Pairing: Iwaizumi Hajime x f!reader

Genre: Angst ig, fluff(ehh)

WC: 1.8k

Note: repost from my old acc :))

Also: my heartfelt gratitude to @noya-sannnn and @sugacookiies ... thank you babies for sparing this fic some of your time💖

@pyblos you have my thanks forever ✨

Back to Masterlist

"No, you can't do this. Don't do this."

  You were excited today, as it is a family tradition that when a woman turns 21 she can finally marry. Today was the day that you're telling your dear father that finally, you have chosen a man for yourself, for a while now actually. Confidently knocking on the door of his study, you hear him reply, "Come in".

Before you could even start speaking, he beats you to it.

"Sweetheart it's time," He said calmly but full of authority.

Confused, you asked him, "Time for...what?"

"For you to meet the neighboring country's eldest prince, of course," your father said in a firm tone you have never heard from him.

"Wha-, wait did you—" you were sure that your incoherent words are not getting to him for he looked at you with a raised eyebrow. Calming your nerves down, you asked him carefully, "Father, are you perhaps setting me up for an arranged marriage?"

He looked at your shaking form. "Why? Don't tell me you're opposing such a brilliant idea. This marriage  means a lot more than you think. Not only for our kingdom, but this will also benefit you."

He wouldn't even let you speak as he continued on about how the prince was a gentleman that he would care for you and he was sure that you would be happy to be that man's wife.

"Father, stop," you started, challenging his mocking gaze. "First of all, I am not meeting prince-whoever-he-is. Second you don't have to choose for me. Third, I'm not a little girl anymore that you can control like a puppet. I'm not going through with this-- this marriage for convenience. And you may be my father but you can never tell me in what way I can be happy... It’s checkmate father, not today," you said, smiling sickly sweet, turning on your heels to leave.

You heard his booming voice yet again, "Y/N, you will not. You cannot disgrace me like this."

Giving him a side glance smirking, "Actually I'm just about to."

You strutted your way out of his study feeling confident and free, yet thoroughly scared of what he would do and what you were supposed to do if you left this life of comfort you grew up in.

 But no, if you wanted to be truly happy, you would pack your bags and leave before it's too late. You didn't want to be like your brothers and sisters before you, submitting to your father's every  order.

You would not be stuck in a bland and unhappy union. Besides, only you could say when you're completely happy.

Taking a quick trip to your quarters to pack your bags was nothing but nerve-wracking. You had to be quick or your father may lock you in. Quietly making your way out of the palace was seemingly easy, it was weird and eerie that nobody even tried to stop you from leaving, not even the maids nor the palace knights stationed upfront. Never mind them, you were finally out and about. You started to make your way to him, to your chosen husband.

 Slipping through town was pretty easy. Though to be fair, the people of your kingdom rarely even see you as your father said that it's inappropriate for a princess such as you to be looking at commoners, let alone communicate with them.

This led you to a surprise, at some point when you were younger, you met this boy about your age near the sparring grounds. He was with some knights in-training. Your brother took you with him to the grounds so that you would not be alone that afternoon.

"Who is he?" you asked him.

"Who?" he retorted with yet another question.

"That boy, with the knights," you said pointing at the boy in question.

"I believe he is a sibling of one of the knights in-trainings," before you could even ask why that boy was there, your brother continued on running his loud mouth, asking with a teasing grin on his face "Why, is my little sister developing a crush?"

He was even wiggling his eyebrows, making your face contort in annoyance. Rolling your eyes at him, "No, you idiot. I was going to ask you why he is here, his brother is the one in-training, not him. Don't you think it's a bit inappropriate of him to tag along as this is a kingdom affair? That boy shouldn't be here." you told him haughtily.

Your brother scooted low so that the two of you could see eye to eye. "Sweetie, what do you think you're doing here then... you are not here to train either, not only that, you're a girl, isn't it more inappropriate for you?" he said, mocking you.

"You took me with you so I won't be alone, isn't that what you said before we both went down here? And besides, what of it if I'm a girl, dear brother, don't tell me you think I'm weak?" you told him confidently.

You liked to think that you were strong from the very start, so as a clueless and reckless child you told your dear brother that you shall challenge that boy to a duel to prove to him that being a girl is not a weakness. You ran off before he could even stop you.

"You there," you said loudly at the boy, "I challenge you to a duel."

This kid had the nerve to ignore you and looked behind you instead. You could hear footsteps so you looked behind as well and saw your brother walking towards the both of you.

"Kindly please ignore my sister, she only wants a playmate," he said to them smiling kindly.

"No, I do—"

He put his palm in front of your mouth to shut you up.

"Your Highness, please take my brother as your temporary playmate as none of us knights can play with you at this very moment," you presume his brother, told you while bowing his head to you and guiding his brother to come near.

Maybe it was just you but for a child, he has a very stoic face.

"You better entertain me to the fullest or you will never prove to be a good enough playmate for me," you said while giving him a side glance. 

"I will try my very best, your highness"

Looking at him, you asked, "What is your name?"

"My name is Hajime Iwaizumi, your highness," he told you, smiling.

 That smile made you feel different, you didn't know if it was normal but your stomach felt as if butterflies were fluttering on the inside.

That day changed something in you, maybe it was the part that commoners were not as bad as they were told in your father's stories. After all, who were you to judge them if you hadn't met them yet? Hajime changed a lot of your opinions, he always told you to look at a different angle, to look at other perspectives. Even when you were kids he seemed so intellectual, so mature in a way that made him different from others your age, but you always thought it made him so much more attractive.

Eventually, he made it to knighthood but a war broke out and his brother perished along with many others. He retired from knighthood as his brother's dying wish was for him to live far from harm. Leaving the knighthood without any honor made him part of the lower community, making it impossible for your father to ever approve of him.

So the two of you decided to keep it a secret, your relationship. He lived his life as a town merchant, while you continued on your royal duties, governing along with your mother and father. And now that you were of age, you ought to tell your father that you would marry Hajime only for him to knock it off course after telling you to wed for convenience.

As if you'll bow down to his trap. Too bad for him that you woke up early enough to realize that you could make choices for yourself, which led you to this very moment near the outskirts of town in front of Hajime's doorstep. Building up some courage, you walked up to knock on his door. but before you could do so, he opened the door.

After seeing you, he smiled sweetly, "Look what the cat dragged in, what are you doing here y/n. Something wrong?" he asked.

"What... do I look like I brought a problem with me, where?" you replied jokingly, but as obvious as it was he probably saw the bag because "Right there in the bag that you're carrying."

Trying to reply coolly, you said, "These? Oh uhm, I just thought I would spend a few days with you if that's alright."

You tried to smile as genuinely as you could,  because you could feel yourself grimacing at the fact that you were actually lying to him.

"Sure, of course, make yourself at home. Though it's not much, the house can keep us warm," he said, making you feel assured that your decision to be with him was the right choice.

 Spending the night with him felt like jumping on a cloud and sliding down a rainbow, but you should've known that sliding from that far up and eventually falling will hurt. You knew questions would come pouring in the morning and you ought to avoid them but of course, his trained eyes knew you too well. He asked you to come and sit outside with him to talk.

"What's really happening here y/n? You know you don't have to hide anything," Hajime asked calmly while rubbing soothing circles on your palm.

Sighing, you knew that questions was about to come crashing down.

You answered him "I... I-I left our palace."

Now looking down, you realized he stopped rubbing your palms together. Placing his thumb on your chin to make you look at him, you saw silent questions flooding his eyes screaming to get out. You braced yourself for what was coming and averted your eyes off him.

Hajime heaved a long sigh and then asked you, "Why? Why would you do something so reckless?"

"I want to be with you, despite what my father may say, I will still choose you over all of this," you replied, referring to all the extravagance you had grown up having.

"You're not used to this, you don't know what you're saying," He said looking at you as if you had grown two heads.

You held his hands in yours. "I'm not confused, I know what I'm doing and I want to be with you," you said with all the power you could muster.

He looked at you with his dark eyes, "No, you can't do this. Don't do this," He said firmly.

"But I-I'm doing this for us," you said, confusion washing over you because of his unexpected reaction. You thought he would understand.

"And I'm doing this for you," he spoke, then he let go of your clasped hands and left without another word, leaving you there bare and broken for the whole world to see.

[tomorrow-human]

MY THOUGHTS ON iDKHOW'S ALBUM DEBUT: RAZZMATAZZ

So I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME have just released RAZZMATAZZ today and heres what I think...

[SIDE A]

¹LEAVE ME ALONE:

A bombastic opening track. Was released in the beginning of August...? Probably? This song just SCREAMS at you with retro futuristic funkiness. It has 8-bity flourishes in the instrumentation and seems to be maybe talking to the same person as Choke (from 1981 E.P.) and the title track Razzmatazz have been (or maybe a separate entity as suggested by the vinyl booklet and Indoctoration?).

Anyway, fantastic track, great opener, and nice mood-setter.

<><><><>

²INDOCTORATION:

It's... eerie. It's not a song in the same sense as Leave Me Alone, despite having a wobbly backing track. It's a spoken interlude that seems to be initiating you into Tellex maybe? It yet again mentions the White Shadows that will be overseeing your progress with Tellex. It seems oddly nostalgic for some reason. That's strange. Overall, solid little piece of lore building that really reinforces the concept aspects.

<><><><>

³MAD IQs:

It's the first song from this album that wasn't released as a single and it made my jaw literally drop. It has a similar lyrical and vocal structure to the opener and New Invention, but what I like is how much they were able to do with it, though it makes you wonder about how far apart these songs were written; but In the context of the albums concept and the Tellex stuff however, it could be interpreted as a corporate decision, this repetition. The minimal instrumentation in the verses with Ryan's sturdy drumming and Dallon's bassline makes me go fucking bananas. It's so fucking great and full of this punchy energy. And the HARMONIES. YES. "Voluntary victim~" "I'm burning~ in your mad IQs" SIR STOP BEING SO VOCALLY TALENTED. Also I think i heard him shriek right before the bridge which? Snazzy. So Mad IQs, energetic track, filled with more of iDKHOWs signature darkness.

<><><><>

⁴NOBODY LIKE THE OPENING BAND:

Ah yes, Opening Band. Ironic considering how often iDKHOW are the opening band, but I'm sure that's obvious, seeing how they usually sing this one at the start of their gigs. It was actually (I think) the first or second song I didn't know how but found through youtube so I might be pretty biased here. It's a sweet sounding change of pace with the instrumentation being made up of only the piano and tambourine that tells of a typical opening band, that no ones ever heard before and likely will never hear again, via a sympathetic narrator with a hint of the typical iDKHOW teasing. In all honesty, it would've worked better as the album opener, which then could've been followed by Leave Me Alone, but it's a nice change of pace overall.

<><><><>

⁵NEW INVENTION:

I already reviewed this song on my other blog right here so imma keep this brief. It shares similar aspects to Leave Me Alone, with the music video concept and song structure, but It manages to darken the narrative, and the choir-esq harmonies sound like ultra bright neon lights that only push this mood further. It still is a magnificent song and by far one of my favourites in the album.

<><><><>

⁶IN THE GALLOWS:

MASSIVE SHIFT IN STYLE HOLY FUCKOLY-. The track opens with a very cutesy old timey little piano intro and starts the verse with a little funny beat. If you don't listen to the lyrics, it sounds like a silly little oldie song. But as we all know, iDKHOW doesn't do silly. The lines "For you, I'd die▪︎Or kill myself▪︎which ever makes you smile," From just the first verse are a prime example of this. The narrators murderous and suicidal intentions have clouded the romantic attraction into obsession- And I kinda like that, in a poetic way. The chorus is a standout, with the calm start to the explosion in the line "I'd swing from the gallows and wave" that just swings at you with a baseball bat to the chest. Oh, and the sax solo? Magnificent. This whole song is a chefs kiss from me.

<><><><>

⁷CLUSTERHUG:

I love the lyrics of this song the most of it all. It sounds like a rebellious teenager wrote it after thinking about how shit their hometown is and wanting to get out. It also incorporates how much the narrator would want to do all this with their crush, adding that slightly goofy and pretend-aloof chorus of "only if you'd like me to I could fall in love with you" as if they weren't already in love or at least that's how I see it. The vibe of this song is more pop-y than the rest of the album, but that's more likely because it was repurposed for Razzmatazz after being originally written for The Brobecks, their older band. It's a nice little tune :).

[SIDE B]

⁸SUGAR PILLS:

This. Will. Get. Stuck. In. Your. Head- and. You. Will. Like. It. Basically, just seems like a song about drugs that, for some reason, reminds me of Gorillaz (who I dont even listen to). But the BASSLINE AGAIN- Jesus help me live. It has more of that energy we saw with the first few tracks and adds even more electronic elements. It's probably my second favourite song from this album that's not a single because of how fun the chorus sounds. What else can I say? I can just imagine myself bopping to this in the car screaming 'SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR PILLS' On a hot day.

<><><><>

⁹KISS GOODNIGHT:

It's so sweet 🥺. It's one of those songs I could imagine a character in a movie singing to someone from a stage. If you want pretty song vibes just listen to it. Because it is a pretty song. And that's all I have to say on it. Now allow me to take a moment and shove it into my pretty song playlist that acts like my personal lullaby machine.

<><><><>

¹⁰LIGHTS GO DOWN:

Yes. F u n k y. Give me that sweet sweet disco energy, thank you. It's just filled with all these *☆~blingy and sparkly~☆* effects, and, combined with the drumming, the result is just glorious. The best part of this song is in my opinion the bridge where it goes darker lyrically and in sound that just naturally slides into another funky-ass sax solo. I can definitely see myself dancing to this at a party and then in later years growing nostalgic for those days.

<><><><>

¹¹NEED YOU HERE:

It's supposed to be happy in tone and hopeful slightly but it just makes me sad. It's a song about how, because Dallon has to tour because it's his job, he has to be away from his family often. And he had nO RIGHT ADDING HIS DAUGHTERS VOCALS AND RECORDINGS INTO THE MIX ITS LIKE HE WANTS US TO CRY. It's not my favourite of the album, not going to lie here, but it's also such a sweet song with nice instrumentals and vibe 🥺 so that's all I'll say.

<><><><>

¹²DOOR:

It seems like this one was written around the time sad ukulele music was really at its peak but am I complaining? Fuck no because this song is great. It just gives it to you straight, that if the narrator ever does anything that the recipient doesn't like, they can always cut them out of their life. It's nice in that regard- you don't usually get songs that don't try to deflect the pain or gain pity. We need more of these kinds of songs. The shortness of it really adds to the effect of this being more like a regularly said thing, even though I'm always a bit sad that it ends so fast. It does, however, nicely close the near end of the album before Razzmatazz.

<><><><>

¹³TOMORROW PEOPLE:

Creepy Tellex thank-you note. You're welcome..? I want no part in your conspiracy tho. Go away weird American corporate man voice.

<><><><>

¹³RAZZMATAZZ:

And there it is. The title track. Like new inventions, I have already reviewed it here on that same blog so this will be brief also and more just thoughts. It's a great closer and is more old timey than most of the songs here as well. And with the last instrumental and sax solo, we come to the albums inevitable end... until next time.

[GENERAL THOUGHTS]

Overall, this was a fantastic little debut for iDKHOW and I loved it. So worth the pre-order. The songs were great and the lyrics were just excellent. My only real criticism is that the song order on Side A was a bit strange. I feel a way to fix this would be to throw Nobody Likes The Opening Band into the beginning, then have Leave Me Alone as a second track, and maybe even switch one of the songs on this side with one from Side B (either Mad IQs or New Invention with something else but then that would be kind of stretching it). Or maybe even switching Clusterhug with Mad IQs or New Invention could work. So in general? Razzmatazz good album. Next question.

<><><><>

Thank you for reading, anyone who happens to see this and have read this. Hope you've enjoyed some of my thoughts on the debut and agreed with at least 2 points I made. See y'all on another review (or shitpost)!

-L.J

[loplainlointhemorning]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but what's up with the Courtney Love controversy? Why are people accusing her of manipulation or whatever? I'm totally new to this discussion

hey darling!! no worries, I love discussing Kurt & Court bc theyre my surrogate parents and they emotionally raised me when I had a difficult relationship w my Mom and Dad, plus I’m named after Kurt and he’s part of the reason I realized my ~gender~, so needless to say I have a surplus of information on them. Plus their music fucks. anyways, this is gonna be a masterpost-

my credentials(sources I have taken my information and formed my opinion on Kurt & Court’s relationship from if u need to look into them):

-Heavier Than Heaven(Book by Charles Cross, authorized by Kurt’s estate. Charles Cross is a well known grunge/music historian and has literally devoted his life to researching and writing rockstar biographies, including several on Nirvana. One of my favorite books ever.)

- Montage Of Heck(Documentary on Kurt’s life. Produced by his daughter, Frances. I have some heavy criticisms of this film and of the interviews in it, but it does have some reflections on Kurt and Courtney’s relationship that I think are important.)

- Hit So Hard(a documentary on Hole’s drummer, Patty Schemel. Minor discussions of Kurt and Kurt and Courtney.)

- Verse Chorus Verse(Fan-made documentary series on Kurt’s life, widely regarded by Nirvana fans the most in depth play-by-play biography that exists- and it’s free on YouTube, which is lit.)

sources I don’t pull from, but many younger Nirvana fans do(the people who buy into the conspiracies generally):

Kurt and Courtney- A documentary made in the late 90’s under the guise of biography, but is actually about the conspiracy theory that Courtney killed Kurt. I saw it when I was a new fan and I literally laughed out loud from how apeshit it was.

Soaked In Bleach- ‘Biopic’ about Courtney killing Kurt. I haven’t seen it but straight men who think Courtney is ugly take it more seriously than the Bible. Very little truth ever goes into these theories, besides maybe names and dates.

Anything Hank Harrison(Courtney’s father) has to say- He wrote a book on the subject. He also gave her acid and lost custody of her when she was three years old. He’s a shit parent and I doubt he’s actually seen his daughter since the 80’s.

Anything Buzz Osborne(Kurt’s friend, singer for the Melvins, a band Kurt looked up to in Montesano) says- I think Buzz’s opinion is taken way too seriously by a lot of the fan base, I read an interview of his criticizing Montage Of Heck because Kurt ‘didn’t really have a stomach disease’ and was just lying about it to get high, and also about how he hated having to see Courtney naked, and made a good long point about how disgusting her body is. IOn top of all that(none of which really has to do with critiquing the film...?), he mocked Kurt and called him a loser for committing suicide. I don’t care what your opinion on his stomach, his wife, or his music is, that shit is callous and idiotic, but totally reflective of the 70’s and 80’s mentality regarding the mentally ill. He’s part of the legion of pretentious punk dudes who *kind of* knew Kurt, who think Courtney’s the one who ‘corrupted’ him, which brings me around to answering your question.

So, there’s this idea regarding Kurt and Courtney’s relationship, which is pretty similar to the one surrounding Sid and Nancy’s(or at least used to.) Courtney is the whiny, annoying, petulant bitch who attached herself to the first trophy she could find, and through her terrible manipulative personality kept him with her and kept him from getting better. In this mode of thinking, She’s also the person who ‘started’ him on drugs, and in a few people’s eyes, the person who ‘forced’ him to have Frances.

The reality of the situation, as I see it, as someone who’s gone to pretty decent lengths to inform themselves on the subject, is that Kurt and Courtney’s relationship was toxic: But the toxicity was mutual. This doesn’t mean they were a “problematic” couple, or that they were abusing each other, or even that either one of them was ‘evil’, it means that they fell deeply in love as young trauma survivors with substance abuse issues and huge ambitions. That’s a lot to put on any relationship and it’s a lot to talk about, so I’m gonna split this into categories of complaints that you’ll hear pretty routinely as a new Nirvana/Hole fan.

1. “She got him into drugs!”

Courtney started on heroin in the late 80’s in L.A., when she was still playing with Sugar Baby Doll(her band with Jennifer Finch and Kat Bjelland). Kurt, as said in Heavier Than Heaven, tried heroin for the first time around 1988-1989(I don’t remember exactly.) At the time, he was still living with(though I don’t believe they were still dating) Tracy Marander. Because he was destitute, he didn’t have enough money to start forming an actual habit until Nevermind started gaining speed, and by the time he and Courtney started dating(they met a couple of times and phoned a couple of times before cementing a relationship) he had been taking it for a while. That’s the thing I think people look over when it comes to Kurt- He was embarrassed about his addiction and he hated the physical side effects, but he loved heroin.

Courtney says in Montage Of Heck that she had both tried and kicked heroin by the time she met Kurt, but I think the Heavier Than Heaven description is probably more accurate: That she did heroin socially, and her addiction worsened after the two of them began living together because Kurt was(in her own words) ‘obsessed with oblivion.’ She also said in Montage Of Heck that his dream was to ‘Get to three million dollars and become a junkie.’ She’s stated several times that her drug problems came out of a need for ‘comfort’, and Kurt was into getting so fucked he couldn’t do anything else(also confirmed by his friend, Dylan Carlson, who was also into heroin and did it with him often.)

On top of that, Courtney was the one who orchestrated interventions for Kurt, went through the process of reviving him when he’d overdosed, and broke his syringes/scared off his dealers to try and keep drugs away from him as much as possible. At one point, she even made a rule that no drugs were to be done in the house- So he started renting motel rooms and doing them there. It was she who was the head of his final intervention before he went missing.

If anything, Courtney is the person who tried her hardest to keep drugs away from both of them. Considering how much people still talk about her doing heroin while pregnant(which occurred very early on before she was aware of her condition), Kurt is the person who struggled the most to stay off drugs during her pregnancy and after Frances’ birth, even going so far as to hide in the bathroom from her while she was struggling with morning sickness so she wouldn’t know he was getting high.

2. “She manipulated him into dating her/marrying her!”

Here’s the thing about Courtney; She is an enigmatic, entertaining, talented, maternal individual. Here’s the thing about Kurt; He’s a shy, quiet, non-confrontational guy with mommy issues. There’s been a lot of discussion on how Courtney was ‘obsessed’ with Kurt, and how she wouldn’t rest until she pinned him down: That’s untrue, or at least it reads less like crazy-bitch-steals-rock-god and more like cute-singer-has-crush-on-fellow-cute-singer. She was really into him, but when she met him she was still dating Billy Corgan, which deterred her from pursuing him until that relationship(basically) dissolved. When Kurt met her, he had just gotten out of a relationship with Tobi Vail, which most likely fell apart because she refused to be what Tracy Marander had been for him. She wasn’t interested in caring for him and she wasn’t interested in a full-time monogamous relationship. She was working too hard at her own career and was way too involved in the burgeoning riot grrrl movement to worry about looking after Kurt Cobain. That just wasn’t going to work for him.

Kurt was a big believer in the nuclear family model, he was very monogamous, and besides that he lacked the ability to physically take care of himself. If he wasn’t living with a partner who would clean up the house and remind him to wash his hair, it just didn’t happen. He was chronically ill, depressed, and he’d spent most of his adolescence AWOL from anyone who would actually raise him, so Tobi’s rejection deeply hurt him for a number of reasons- While Courtney, the opposite of Tobi in a few key ways, was exactly what he wanted. On top of looking like the archetypical punk girl, “I was attracted to her because she looked like Nancy Spungen,” she had a maternal streak (In Montage Of Heck, when he’s found sitting beside her while she cuts his hair, and, typical for people living with Kurt, mentions that she cleans the house because ‘nobody else fuckin does.’) Early on in their relationship, Kurt had a meltdown and begged Courtney to come to his apartment. She did, and looked after him the rest of the night, a pattern which would become common for them, and was stated by her half sister to be the ‘original strain on the relationship.’

Besides her mothering elements, Courtney was brassy and loud, and her presence allowed him to be less introverted and freer with himself. She was an ambitious young musician who shared a similar childhood to him, and had the same yearning for a safe home life that he did. She was well-read and artistic, and introduced him to the literary side of music creation, which he hadn’t explored yet. After spending a night on the phone with her, he went around telling everybody she was ‘the coolest girl in the world,’ and broke off another burgeoning relationship with Mary Lou Lord on live TV after spending the night with her. The famous quote, “Courtney Love is the best fuck in the world.” is in fact real. And yeah, he could’ve handled that one better.

The attraction was mutual, and I find it hard to believe that Kurt was ever forced into anything romantic with her based on how well she suited his tastes.

3. “She used him for his fame/money!”

As stated above, Courtney was attracted to Kurt before Nevermind was even recorded, and if she wanted to marry a famous dude right out the gate, at the time they met there were plenty of people who were way more famous than Kurt. In Heavier Than Heaven she mentions really liking their song “Dive,” and later in life she mentioned hearing “Sliver” and being impressed with Kurt’s writing abilities. Both of those songs were released a solid two years before Nevermind. She was interested in Kurt because he was cute and talented and she was savvy in the music scene, meaning that she kept up with underground bands.

Now, a point of contention between Kurt & Courtney was their different attitudes towards fame. That is entirely true. Courtney wanted to be famous, enjoyed celebrity, loved attention, and could handle touring, press, and the craziness of success. She was very charismatic, very physically strong, and let’s face it, definitely an attention whore. Kurt liked being praised, he liked being successful, and he definitely had a thing for attention- But he hated pressure, he had inferiority issues, he didn’t know how to handle his life being pried into all the time, and he wasn’t strong enough to do massive tours. Courtney just didn’t understand that, which is pretty common if someone doesn’t share your same mental illness/physical illness: Touring hurt Kurt’s stomach, it worsened his anxiety and emotional instability, it wore his body out, it didn’t agree with him. He loved playing live but couldn’t handle the mania or the travelling, meaning he didn’t mind blowing off huge tours that would bring in loads of money. Courtney, who did feel envious and intimidated regarding his success, would get angry at him for that- She didn’t want him to blow off massive paychecks and press coverage because it’s not what she would’ve done. I definitely side with Kurt on this, nothing is more frightening and frustrating than people trying to force you to do things you can’t handle health-wise. Courtney, being naturally business-oriented, was also aware of how things appeared to the public, and definitely cared about their image more than Kurt did- One of their fights revolved around her nagging him about how important the “Heart-Shaped Box” music video would be for him, and how he should look good. He reacted by stubbing out a cigarette on his forehead and saying, “Do I look fucking good enough for you now?”

So yeah, Courtney, like a lot of people in Kurt’s life, was all about furthering his career and success. A lot of people read that as her being money-hungry or manipulative, in my opinion it’s just a natural response from a person who’s spent their whole life trying to be a success and wouldn’t really get there until 1994. I think some of it was envy and I think some of it was her using him a little vicariously, neither of which are healthy but neither of which are malicious, either. She wanted to be a rockstar, she was ready to be a rockstar, she wasn’t; He thought he’d wanted to be a rockstar, he didn’t really want to, he was.

4. “She emotionally abused him!”

I hate to say this because I love Kurt so much but, as someone who’s been through a codependent relationship where they were bailing water out of a sinking boat, Kurt’s behavior throughout their marriage set off way more red flags for me than Courtney’s did. I don’t think he was actually abusive, but I do think he was a little too underdeveloped and unresolved to be married to someone. He had to grow up slower than everyone else because he missed out on having concrete mature influences, which Courtney did as well, and like I said earlier I think a lot of their problems came through a lack of adult communication skills. Both of them were really jealous people: Courtney couldn’t stand Kurt talking about Mary Lou Lord or Tobi Vail, Kurt was completely convinced that Courtney was cheating on him with Billy Corgan(even going so far as to talk to their lawyer about a divorce shortly before he died.) This was the catalyst for a lot of mind games and unnecessary drama, especially coming from Kurt.

Kurt couldn’t handle conflict. He was really passive aggressive, and would do things to purposely piss Courtney off or communicate to her that he was displeased. While she was trying to stay clean he would declare that he was going to do drugs in the apartment, when she started talking to a psychic to help her with her problems he mocked her and put her down, when she staged his final intervention his entire argument against rehab was that she was just as ‘fucked up’ as he was(she had already agreed to go into rehab, though whether he was aware of this or not I’m not sure.) He made his first suicide attempt by overdosing on Rohypnol on their wedding anniversary because she took some pills and fell asleep and he decided that meant she wasn’t interested in him anymore. I’m not arguing that that’s an irrational response to your partner getting stoned and falling asleep, especially when he’d apparently set the night up to be as romantic as possible, but the overdose put him in a coma and sent Courtney into hysterics.

Her mental health began to decline due to paranoia that he’d end up dead, and her weight dropped due to the added stress. As someone who’s been through a pretty similar situation to that and exhibited the same symptoms, I can tell you that it is never okay to use a suicide attempt to deal with a perceived injustice from your partner. By this time, Kurt was facing either getting clean or dying, and his behavior was very depressed and erratic, so there are explanations for the way he was acting and I don’t think he was trying to manipulate her with a threat. Despite my understanding of that, there is nothing more exhausting than being the caretaker of someone who is hellbent on never getting better. I can’t imagine being the caretaker of someone who won’t stop until they’re dead, and I do think at that point it would’ve been better for them to separate.

But that isn’t to say Courtney wasn’t toxic herself, I’m not trying to paint a wholly negative image of Kurt here. I’m merely trying to stand in the way of Nirvana fanboys who have no grasp on the more sickly sides of his personality, and give Court a bit of a break. Definitely, she struggled with her jealousy: As stated, she never wanted his ex girlfriends mentioned around her and would tear them apart if they were. She was ambitious and career driven, which eroded a lot of her platonic relationships/working relationships as well her marriage to Kurt. She was one of the people who was pushing him to recover in time to play Lollapalooza, and she was one of the people who pushed him into his last stunted tour before his death. She weaponized his relationship with Frances in ways that I and most people agree are gross: She told him he should be playing massive gigs to support his daughter(though their medical and legal bills were big they were hardly poverty stricken), and admitted in an interview later that she called him in rehab once to tell him he’d dropped Frances on her head(She mentioned during this that Frances was wearing a furry hood, and that he didn’t hurt her. In my opinion he was doing his best by even trying rehab again, and that he was already so worried that he was a terrible father that it was just cruel to make him feel worse.)

She has a tendency to be self-obsessed, and to put her own self interest before people she cares about, even if she regrets it later. She struggles herself with mental illness and addiction, both of which tend to give a person poor judgment regarding the people they care about.

Once again, Courtney and Kurt weren’t a healthy couple, but it wasn’t because they were evil or abusive towards one another. They cared for each other deeply, they had a very pure devotion. Underlying all this nastiness were two people who prayed together, wrote together, fantasized about a Valentine’s Day wedding, and faxed each other R-rated love letters like modern versions of James Joyce and Nora Barnacle. During one of his more successful stints in rehab, Kurt wrote Courtney love letters every night(though he did decorate them with blood, wax, and semen.)

They had some serious therapy they needed to attend, the both of them. But 90% of these demonizations of Courtney are either untrue or blown out of proportion.

[nightunite]

I'm the soft sibling but... A-all of them??

I’ve been waiting, my sibster...

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Probably @safetyfirstbiatch

 2. Are you outgoing or shy? 

Shy in the beginning, outgoing afterwards!

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? 

@safetyfirstbiatch @tricksandmagix

4. Are you easy to get along with? 

Sometimes

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? 

Probably not

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? 

Loyal, funny, can tease me like I tease them, won’t mock my anxiety, etc.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? 

Nope

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? 

Gonna say Bucky Barnes

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? 

Nah

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? 

@binkysteebnpewter @breadgenie892 @fuzzy-cloud-head-queen @andyl394

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? 

“I might post this on tumblr”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? 

Blink-182: Black rain

Halsey&Marina Mashup: Gasoline and Savages

Saweetie: My type

Dermot Kennedy: Power Over You

chillpill: Fuck the Club

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? 

Nope

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? 

Yep

15. What good thing happened this summer? 

SHAVED ICE AND THE FAM

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? 

Nah

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? 

Yes

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? 

Nah

19. Do you like bubble baths? 

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors? 

Nah

21. What are you bad habits? 

Impulsive, loud, awkward, dont like vacuuming

22. Where would you like to travel? 

Yes

23. Do you have trust issues? 

Yes

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? 

Nap time

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? 

Thighs

26. What do you do when you wake up? 

Play Animal Crossing

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? 

No but I wish it was healthy

28. Who are you most comfortable around? 

@safetyfirstbiatch

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? 

Yup

30. Do you ever want to get married? 

Sure

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? 

It’s always up so yeah

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

None?

 33. Spell your name with your chin. 

(Cant attempt this tbh I have a big ol hormone zit about ready to pop)

34. Do you play sports? What sports? 

Nope

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? 

Without TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? 

Of course!

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Some stupid joke or story

 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? 

I’ve answered this in previous asks but see #6

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? 

Lush, Barnes&Noble, Candy Stores

40. What do you want to do after high school? 

I’m already a college graduate, but lab work

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? 

No

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? 

I’m either busy, sleeping, or anxious

43. Do you smile at strangers? 

Sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Outer space

 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? 

Animal Crossing and food

46. What are you paranoid about?

Everything tbh anxiety sucks 

47. Have you ever been high? 

No

48. Have you ever been drunk? 

No

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? 

No but I’ve been hella simping

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? 

Grey and yellow, my hufflepuff hoodie

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Nah

 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? 

Have healthier skin aka no genetic issues

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Dont wear any

 54. Favourite store? 

Barnes&Noble

55. Favourite blog? 

@bunjywunjy

56. Favourite colour? 

Periwinkle

57. Favourite food? 

I’m a slut for pretzel bites right now

58. Last thing you ate? 

Cheese ravioli

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Sour cream&onion chips

 60. Ever won a competition? For what? 

Won a ribbon for a literary contest

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? 

Nah

62. Been arrested? For what? 

Nah

63. Ever been in love? 

Don’t know tbh

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? 

Already answered this on previous asks, but it was after a movie in his car

65. Are you hungry right now? 

Nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? 

Nah, they’re equal

67. Facebook or Twitter? 

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr? 

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? 

Nah

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

@safetyfirstbiatch @tricksandmagix

71. Craving something? What? 

Shaved ice, blue raspberry and lime flavor

72. What colour are your towels? 

Salmon pink and mold green, got em real ugly

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 

2, one under my head and one against my side

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? 

Yup a Totodile

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 

Like 80+

75. Favourite animal? 

Frogs

76. What colour is your underwear? 

Black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? 

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? 

Chocolate

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? 

Black

80. What colour pants? 

Black

81. Favourite tv show? 

Masterchef

82. Favourite movie? 

James and the Giant Peach

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? 

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 

Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? 

Janis

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? 

Dory

87. First person you talked to today? 

The fam

88. Last person you talked to today? 

The fam

89. Name a person you hate? 

Trump

90. Name a person you love? 

@safetyfirstbiatch

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? 

Anti-vaxxers

92. In a fight with someone? 

Nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 

2 pairs

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 

like 6

95. Last movie you watched? 

Sky High (I regret nothing)

96. Favourite actress? 

Zendaya

97. Favourite actor? 

Sebastian Stan

98. Do you tan a lot? 

Nope

99. Have any pets? 

A cat and a corgi

100. How are you feeling? 

Pretty alright

101. Do you type fast? 

Yup!

102. Do you regret anything from your past? 

A couple things, time I wish I had listened better

103. Can you spell well? 

Decently

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? 

Not really

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? 

Nope!

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? 

Probably but I was never told

107. Have you ever been on a horse? 

Nope

108. What should you be doing? 

Sleeping

109. Is something irritating you right now? 

My back

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? 

Yup!

111. Do you have trust issues?

Of course

 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? 

@safetyfirstbiatch while laughing I’m pretty sure

113. What was your childhood nickname? 

‘Hey you’

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? 

Yes, been to several other states and the Bahamas

115. Do you play the Wii? 

I used, played so much Harvest Moon Animal Parade

116. Are you listening to music right now? 

Yup, mothra’s theme

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? 

Nope

118. Do you like Chinese food? 

Nope

119. Favourite book? 

The Serpent King is one of my favorites

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Nah

 121. Are you mean? 

Sometimes

122. Is cheating ever okay? 

In extreme extenuating circumstances like ‘You refuse to let me out of this marriage despite knowing we don’t even like each other’

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? 

Somewhat yeah

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? 

Yeah

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah

 126. Are you currently bored? 

Nah

127. What makes you happy? 

Little things; rain, smell of a new book, soft sheets.

128. Would you change your name? 

Nah

129. What your zodiac sign? 

Leo

130. Do you like subway? 

Nah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 

Either let em down easy or see if it works

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 

The fam

133. Favourite lyrics right now? 

Dont have any honestly

134. Can you count to one million? 

Sure but it takes a while

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

‘Can’t go, Mom needs me to watch the dog’ -Dog is in fact being taken to daycare in plain view of person

 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? 

Open a crack

137. How tall are you?

5′6

 138. Curly or Straight hair? 

Wavy

139. Brunette or Blonde? 

Brunette

140. Summer or Winter? 

Fuck both, Fall

141. Night or Day? 

Night

142. Favourite month? 

July

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope

 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk

 145. Tea or Coffee? 

Neither, soda

146. Was today a good day?

Yeah it was pretty great

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers even though I have a peanut sensitivity

 148. What’s your favourite quote?

Don’t have one, sorry

 149. Do you believe in ghosts? 

Yup! 

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

“This is madness” - Sorcery of Thorns

[helle-bored]

Sometimes I think about how Maeleah had that dark hair and those deepset laughlines at the corners of her eyes even though she was probably about twenty-one, and how she'd turn in her seat and smile at me and startle the fuck out of all my preconceptions. She didn't really talk: she'd just smile through dark lashes, and I thought she was just being friendly but a part of me said but that's not what you want it to be, is it. and when she invited me to her house to watch star trek I thought this is a trap, she lives with her parents and nobody who lives with their parents can be gay, and I was a mess anyway with hair I rarely brushed and maybe not my teeth either and probably still with sleep-crud around my eyes because I never washed my face and how could anybody think I was attractive? But who invites a slightly-older girl over (who you barely know because she barely says anything to you) to watch star trek. And me, always stumbling over myself and what I want and how serious I am about everything, couldn't imagine sitting next to her on a couch watching star trek without knowing why, and what if the answer wasn't what I wanted, and what if it was. Now she's married to a man and I never did go to her house or learn how to say a word to her, so I guess I'll never know.

(I'm still a mess who doesn't brush her hair or wash her face all that much, and you really won't catch me wearing makeup or shaving anything unless there's a wedding. I'm pretty but I still think -- well.)

I think about Michelle, who used to call me just to chat and ask me to get coffee and I'd go because that's what I do when people ask me to do things; and Michelle would say I would date a girl if she was the right one, and I never said what is the right one, because most of the time she was telling me about the boy she was sleeping with, and because what if she'd said girls like you.

I think about Sam -- with those full lips and the red lipstick -- and I never really knew her, because how do you get to know a girl who's gotta be straight when you're going to spend most of that time looking at her mouth anyway?

And I think about Sarah, but... she was my best friend; isn't it normal when someone is your best friend to be horribly jealous when their boyfriend holds their hand and it isn't you?

So no, I'm not straight, and I'm not entirely ace, and I'm not entirely aro either, and wouldn't it be easier if I were? I think about online dating and how it feels like ordering a slab of meat from behind the deli counter and how I can never quite manage to make myself do it; how the idea of trying to make myself feel something for someone causes this rising vortex of panic in my chest, but what if that's the only way left to me, what if there aren't any more Maeleahs or Michelles or Sams in the world, not in any place where I am or will ever be. I think about how I've had crushes on people for half a decade but they're far away and what does that mean anyway. My dad says I don't want to know because I'm a coward but maybe I'm a bit of a coward too, because I don't know how to bridge gaps and I never have.

Thing is -- that's not where I want my story to stop. I don't need to cut it off there for dramatic effect. In the past few years I've realized most of my friends who're still around have seen my worst sides and they love me anyway. They're not superhuman so I guess that means my issues aren't bigger than the capacity of a dozen normal average good people to love. Not even when I'm a prickly mess who really just needs to be handled with care and can't tell you what that care needs to look like.

I'm still a gangly pile of hangups and anxiety, and my parents are still and maybe always going to be a soap opera of heartbreak, but for all my episodes where it's hard to get out of bed I'm still pretty patient and understanding and kind and dryly funny and I cry over stupid stuff and love things for too long but that's okay too. There's a lot of quiet joy I carry tucked inside and with the right people it shines out, and as long as I keep that light I really don't have anything to worry about.