#bubbly demeanor in the comfort of good company but my overall immovably aromantic nature.
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[britney spears’ voice in the beginning of break the ice] it’s been awhile
#i think one of my friends has a crush on me#tales from diana#& the reason it's been awhile is mostly that it's been awhile since i had like. new friends. who were not completely accustomed to my#bubbly demeanor in the comfort of good company but my overall immovably aromantic nature.#& most of my friends. i dont talk to them about being aromantic but im like. quite sure many of them know whats up.#theyve seen me be pursued before & theyve rarely if ever seen me pursue anyone myself. they know something's going on.#but now i'm making new friends which is good and im quite excited about it & like them which is great.#but im like oh no!! is someone catching feelings for me or am i being vain... oh no wait that's probably not vanity either is that--#oh no it's legit.#& what's weird is. this time it's not like. my fault? which is strange to say. that someone's attraction to me can or cannot be my 'fault'#but i used to be a compulsive flirt when i was seeking validation in social situations. bc you wanna know how you get ppl to like you?#you make them feel like YOU like THEM. i figured them out in high school.#but you know why it worked for me in high school? a shallow surface level of belonging was all i really got. no one seemingly ever fell#for me all too badly. nobody PURSUED me romantically either. i know ppl did not find me repulsive but i kinda was never 'in'#& then when i got to be an adult & retained that habit. & ppl started... actually somewhat falling for me i was repeatedly asking myself#'oh no what did i do!!!!' whether or not i was flirting w someone all that intensely or not. sometimes i definitely was not but id still#blame myself for being nice to them. while maybe just giving a look or a touch on the elbow. this time i didnt initiate anything!!!#ive tried not to!!! im really trying hard not to fall back into that habit bc i dont like the outcome. i dont like handling ppls feelings.#this time for the most part it seems i am *actually being flirted w* far more than i am doing the flirting... like???????#~MAYBE~ it was just ~POSSIBLE~ ive been ~ATTRACTIVE~ this entire time#but yeah right. no. every unreciprocated crush ppl have ever had on me has been my fault somehow. so i felt.#& to be clear while i am ripping myself a new one in these tags about these past & present predicaments. i do like this person. i like them.#they're very nice and interesting and funny and all that. i have a good time with them. talking and hanging out and whatnot#im just BAFFLED and i DO NOT KNOW what to do!!! i did not see this coming in the least#this was not part of the plan#how should we like it were stars to burn with a passion for us we could not return?#if equal affection cannot be let the more loving one be me
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