#nobody understands them like i do. except you but that doesnt count

[codecicle]

i am still going so insane over the Guys man AUGH

Hi soup!! :) Random question but:

Do you ever think about how deeply they cared about each other? Wilbur knew everyone else there exclusively while he was infected, and yet he put nothing but trust in them during a life or death scenario. During his final moments, Charlie showed him unwavering kindness by listening to his rant and sparing him the pain of transformation by snapping his neck. Had Wilbur ever experienced something that genuinely caring and sweet before? If the apocalypse forced pure violence to become the greatest show of love you could give to someone, how do you think Wilbur felt when these abnormal strangers his life had happened to cross paths with went out of their way to search for him when he was lost, to kill for him when he was in danger, and ultimately to sacrifice their own safety and stability to preserve his? Do you think he felt guilt despite it all? He was infected after all, nothing but a liability, constantly endangering the team because he couldn't admit to himself that it was over; that he was a danger instead of something (something. not someone. at that point he could at least admit to himself that he wasn't human, whether that be because he was infected or because no human in any definition of the word would be as selfish and cruel as he was from not telling them) that could help. Do you think he was smiling as he faked his death? Do you think he honestly thought the zombies would kill him and he would finally do something useful for them? Or do you think he knew deep down he would survive the zombie encounter and he was only hoping the zombies would fuck him up bad enough that when the time came he inevitably killed his friends, they didn't recognize the face taking all their hopes and dreams out from underneath them because of one "tiny little scratch" and their misplaced trust.

Do you ever think about Tommy? Do you think about how he had seemingly finally found a family, and how he looked away from his older brother figure for half a second to try and be useful by keeping morale up, only to walk back into the room with the man he trusted the most holding Wilburs dead body and grieving? Do you think he resented Charlie in that moment? Or did he just hate himself? None of this would have happened if he had just been there a couple seconds sooner after all, maybe he could have done something. Do you think about him having to walk up to what he thought was Wilburs corpse and not have the time to say his goodbyes? The zombies were coming, and all he could hear outside of Charlie's shaky disassociated voice was the deafening sound of zombies slowly getting louder. Do you think about him holding Wilbur as gently as he could, knowing carrying his body to be devoured would be the last moments he could get to grieve him before being forced to run again, abandoning the man he loved like a brother for what felt like the millionth time since knowing him. Do you think about the way his jokes got scarcer since Wilbur was gone? How he stopped being as funny for the rest of the time they were in that base? Do you think it was because he couldn't bring himself to find humor in such a dark scenario, or do you think it was because he knew deep down he didn't have a real reason to try and keep himself and the group alive anymore. His reason to keep going was devoured by the zombies and time stopped, why should he care anymore? Do you think he froze when Wilbur hopped out of the trunk? Do you think he mirrored the same smile his brother died with when he was devoured? Was it because the torment was finally over? Or was it because deep down all he wanted was to be with him again, even in death?

What about Phil? He looked at Wilbur the way the proudest and most fearful dad would look at his extraordinary son. But unlike the others, Phil grieved Wilbur long before he was ever even gone. As soon as he saw the bite and the way Wilburs life was slowly leaving his eyes he knew that it was over. Phil ran gauntlets, running inbetween zombies in camouflage to open door after door, opportunity after opportunity, just to keep his family alive. All he wanted the whole time was to keep everyone else alive, and set them up to thrive after he was gone. Do you think Phil knew he was going to die the whole time? He was the slowest of the group, he was the weakest, he didn't have any special gifts or abilities, and he couldn't fend for himself as well as he could fend for others. Do you think he was so serious the whole time because he wanted to spend the last moments with his son, and because he knew he wouldn't have another chance to be of use? He wasn't surviving for himself, he was surviving to keep everyone else alive. Do you think if they ever actually succeeded in escaping, that he would be the one to take night watch every time? That he would be the one to give up his food rations so others wouldn't go hungry? That he would sacrifice every part of himself before he stole the chance at life from someone that he thought deserved it better? Do you think when he finally got the chance to keep everyone else alive through fighting off the hoard by himself, he went down through tears? Or do you think he matched the other members of his family and fought them head on with nothing but a spiked golf club, his pride, and a smile to match his two sons?

What about Ranboo? Do you ever think about them? Do you think about the way they seemed to be the only person truly in reality the whole time? They were the only one refusing to do the bits, to tag along with the jokes, yet they were also the only person to kill the zombies, or hold any weapons. Do you ever think about how he had the most sincerely human reaction to all of this? Maybe the reason he refused to kill the zombies was because they so closely resembled himself, and they couldn't bring themself to kill something that looked so much like a real person. He knew they weren't alive, he knew he was constantly in danger, yet they looked into the zombies eyes and saw the blank void staring back at him and chose pity and kindness above all. Do you think when they said everyone around them was insane they really meant it? He seemed strangely grounded in reality at all times, while everyone else disassociated to get themselves through the killing, and the way blood splattered on everyone's clothes dragging the physical remains of their deepest regrets along with them to their deaths. Do you think they put the gun down, finally feeling safe in that Uber knowing no zombie would be able to catch them? Do you think he was glad he never had to actually use it? Were they happy they could keep their humanity as they escaped? Do you think he hoped for a better life after it all? Do you think he looked into Wilburs eyes as he was devoring Tommy, his brother that Wilbur cared for so so much, and they still couldn't bring themselves to pull the trigger? Do you think in their attempt to keep their humanity, he indirectly robbed everyone he cared about of theirs?

And Charlie. Ohhhh Charlie. Do you ever think about how hard he fought? He knew how to create makeshift weapons, he knew parkour, he knew how to fight and shoot and fend for himself, and yet he didn't survive despite all of it. Do you ever think about how he trusted and loved Wilbur so deeply, yet he was forced to lay down with his arms around him as he started spouting nonsense? Do you think Charlie could think straight as Wilbur slid down and indirectly begged him for mercy? Maybe Charlie wasn't as kind as he once thought, because as he held Wilbur in his arms he slowly realized the only real way out of this nightmare would be without him. Do you ever think about how much Charlie loved him? How he stared at him the whole time, looking with widened and obviously trusting eyes, how he grabbed Wilburs arm and looked at the bite as soon as he noticed something was wrong? Do you ever think about how deeply he must have loved both him and everyone else in the group, and how he had to swallow down his humanity for a moment to gift Wilbur the last of his? Do you think about how he hesitated? He had his head in his arms, Wilbur was very obviously letting it happen, and yet he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe from his selfishness, and how he couldn't bring himself to kill his closest friend. Or maybe from his selflessness, and him digesting the fact that after this he would be a villain to the rest of the group. None of them knew how far Wilbur was gone, only Charlie noticed, maybe they would walk in on his grief and see nothing but a murderer? Do you think about how despite everything Charlie spared Wilbur from his pain and killed him anyway, helping him the only way he knew how during Wilbur's greatest time of need. Do you think Charlie stayed behind that gate willingly, knowing he wouldn't be able to live with himself after they escaped? Do you think Charlie died thinking he was useful, or he wasn't useful enough. Do you think he truly believed the others would resent him, or do you think he just resented himself with every life he stole. Do you ever think about how Charlie died thinking he saved their lives, not knowing his grief personified would be waiting for the rest of them to undo everything Charlie tried to do during his life? Do you think Charlie died with a smile not because he was happy that his last moments were spent truly believing because of his sacrifice his friends would live, but because he knew he wouldn't have to live with any of the guilt anymore?

idk though :)

[laststandx3]

I'll be bitter for a minute and say it: i think the terror for how good it is, is also very partial on crozier on being #1 mister only good colonizer in the arctic, and i sort of hate it because the change happens only because he sobers up. and sure alchool makes people cruel, but sobering up doesnt make them perfect. he went from let silna be left on the ship without protection/kick her out for the tuunbaq if she doesnt help us/ rip the guy that died to get me a bottle of whisky, anywayy to peace and love on planet earth lets us all take this walk together while i share words of wisdom and love with this other colonizer who's also very sorry he didn't do anything good with his life. Crozier started the journey at least as a heavy day-drinker and i understand how that's different from heavy alcholism but at the same time i can't imagine all of crozier's faults being the consequences of whisky alone. and having him overcoming his alcholism and wising up immediately after being clean for a few weeks is FOR ME a terrible writing choice that paints him as being naturally good and his 'bad' behaviors coming ONLY from the alchool. yes he sees blanky getting hurt and that's starts his sobering up path. but that's not enough for me. the people (other characters state aloud for the audience) he loves more than god loves them are dying left and right. and i really dont care if corzier cares about the crew or not but if he cared he should have cared about them even when he was drunk and not remembring about their wellbeing AFTER he got clean. i'm not saying you cant enjoy crozier. i just believe his character development isnt earned and that he got it only because he's the designed good character that canonically survives in the book. i dont think that him shitting himself for a few weeks while sobering up can count as having the emotional development to go from one extreme to the other. especially because everyone else is also there sufferring physically and psychologically even more than him due to the fact that their all stranded in the arctic and dying of scurvy and no one else in the crew could have the time off work, privacy and attentions to heal. crozier being the 2nd on command and then captain used his power to become a drunk and later to clean up. and i just dont believe that a man who abused his position like that from the beginning just becuase he was pissed he couldnt marry the woman he wanted suddently stops abusing his position because he's now clean and pure. TO ME it's a bad writing choice that is also force-fed to the audience with the line 'more than god loves them' so that you get it for sure that he's the good guy who cares about people not like those others evil characters who would do anything to survive like killing innocents and being racist (the good guys could never. except they canonically did- but wait, not in THIS continent so it doesnt matter) and eating people (which is a sign of being naturally evil, no matter the circumstances) or following a religion in a desperate last chance of survival (again no one on the good guys side would put religion above good sense and the safety of fellow human beings. in this continent?? maybe? ugh)

in summary i think the main flaw i find in the terror is how much it still tries to draw a line between good and evil. instead of just trying to portray the human disperation for their mortal condition. how much having to come face to face with tuunbaq must destroy all of those men convinctions on what life/afterlife are (for what i remember it just addresses it for tozer AND in the SCRIPT) nobody else gets a life shuttering experience. it's either the devil, then good christians should be safe, or it's a different religion, then what?? what do you do when your life looses its meaning? and the answer for most of the charactes was 🤷‍♀️guess we'll think about it after this awesome party we're about to throw. i dont want this to be about religion, but these men are wrecked in every way, there's nobody to save them and everyday they're a little more in pain than the one before. there shouldnt be a camp of the good men lead by the strong and wise one who take care of their sick and lets the dying die peacefully with morphin. while in the bad guys camp they eat people and have evil laugh competitions and kill their sick with knifes bc giving them poison might make them unedible. and specifically those evil guys where also the reason why the expedition happened to hurt the locals, the good guys have nothing to do with it.

i dont think there's nothing wrong (narratively) in doing anything to survive. even if it's something cruel, because those men are at the end of the world alone, it's at least realistic that they'll try everything to avoid death. crozier(and jfj even if offscreen) gets to be cruel at the beginning of the story but by middle point they're shown to be sad (about unrelated things) and spend the last few episodes being kind and brave (and forgiven by the narrative) while their chance at character development is uniquelly given by their ranks. in the meantime the consequences of those cruelness (only hickey, because we dont get to see survivors of jfj trip to China, if he left any) dont get the chance to heal and change because hickey's position of subordiante never allows him to be really safe, and because his torture was public, automatically making every witness taking the side of the perpetrator. hickey's never given weeks off work to recover because he got lashed because of his own actions. hickey doesnt get words of wisdom from a companion because in his mind everyone agreed with crozier in him deserving the lashes, (except maybe tozer? but even that isnt that clear cut) hickey, manson and hartnell also magiaclly heal from the lashes after a few weeks (even when ANYOTHER character cant heal because of scurvy) so the narrative can't held crozier accountable for the pain he caused.

the good guys and the bad guys' actions are treated differently by the show. even when the good guys actions should have consequences and the bad guys' shouldnt. the narrative has already decided which sins will be forgiven and which will be punished. and it's a bit annoying to me because for how wonderful the terror is, i cant help but feel like i'm being spoonfed a narrative about morality when at its core the story is about humanity.

[hyperrealisticblood]

thoughts on banwally. i've never played any of garten of banban so you are my only reference for what happens in those games and consequently, what makes banwally a compelling crackship.

buddy..... you have opened a can of worms you could have never prepared for

when or if I started shipping it: i actually have an exact date, may 29th of last year. everyone in my friends server is really into crackshipping so we like to share random ideas with each other and i posted them as an idea on that date. i have never been the same since

my thoughts: crackships are kind of hard to talk about in this context because there isnt anything canon to go off but ill do my best. when welcome home first started gaining traction i saw a lot of people saying "this is what good mascot horror looks like" (whether or not wh even counts as mascot horror is. debatable.) so me associating banban and wally with each other was already a thing before i started shipping them. at some point i realized they both have a lot in common (monotone voices, often associated with devil imagery, passive most of the time but gets a little Silly with it sometimes) and i was like woah.... they should kiss. again a lot of my thoughts surrounding them are based in headcanon so im struggling to talk about them in a way that doesnt make me sound fucking insane BUT im a sucker for pessimist/optimist ships and they very much fit that to me. i think they balance each other out in a way, wally is a bright spot in the Endless Misery banban deals with on a daily basis, and banban is pretty logical and grounded which levels out wallys spacey-ness. theyre very much a jessica and roger rabbit "he makes me laugh" type of deal but with the fun addition of identity issues and whatever the fuck wallys deal is

what makes me happy about them: the fact that theyre both freaks of nature (banban is a weird clone manmade abomination thing, wally is either straight up an eldritch entity or a manmade puppet with eldritch qualities) is another thing they have in common to me, so i think theyd be accepting of each others weird traits because they know what its like. banban doesnt give a fuck that wally is up to some scp shit, he might as well live in the scp containment facility. theres a kingdom run by a giant kangaroo woman with a magic scepter who is in charge of keeping a bunch of baby demons and the father(?) of those baby demons trapped in her pouch or else the entire kingdom will be destroyed. he has seen weirder. banban wouldnt just love wally because hes handsome and hes nice to people, he loves all of his weird traits too because they arent even weird to him.

what makes me sad about them: they lend themselves pretty well to angst (i hate that word but idk a better one to describe this) because theyre both from horror media, and i like to pelt my favorite characters with hammers so >:) my friends and i (same friends who got me into crackshipping) have a group rp thing going on, and theres a mini arc going on right now based on the fact that banban got SUPER fucked up trying to fight sir dadadoo and his army. wally wants banban to leave the kindergarten because of how dangerous it is, he wants him to live in home where he doesnt need to fear for his life all the time. but despite all the horrors he has to put up with, banban doesnt want to leave everyone in the underground behind. theyre still his friends, and he wants to protect them. as much as wally wants him to be safe, he understands where hes coming from because he wouldnt want to leave his friends behind either. this leaves him feeling really conflicted and confused, and the homewarming update taught us that wally doesnt do well with those kinds of feelings. just some thoughts for yall <3

things done in fanfic that annoys me: nobody except me would wanna write fanfic about them and im too depressed slash lazy to actually write anything so. uh

things I look for in fanfic: see above

my kinks: size difference where the top is the smaller one i have no such things. i am a man of the lord.

who i’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: wallaby (wally/barnaby) is pretty epic so if that ends up being canon i wouldnt be mad lmao. ive also been wondering if wally might end up whoever "w" is (the awayfrompryingeyes.net mod) because clown said theres another ship that will be canon but that he cant talk about because its inherently a spoiler somehow, id be fine with that too. not much to say about banban because gobb doesnt do romance aside from whatever the fuck nabnab and nabnaleena have going on

my happily ever after for them: things finally calm down at the kindergarten to a point where banban feels comfortable leaving to be with wally, and whatever the hell is going on with home also calms down. banban would still visit the others obviously (i think he would introduce some of them to wallys friends, barnaby and bittergiggle would get along super well i think) but he can finally be somewhere where he isnt constantly fearing for his life :]

uhh tldr dont say "what if i shipped this" as a joke. it will become no longer a joke and you will write like a million words about two characters from entirely different media who have never met and never will meet. worst mistake of my life

[lightningonatether]

Plushie AU: How do Punz and Dream act around Sam post reveal? Does Sam stay in his Plushie form? How do things change as time goes by and the shock of the reveal fades away?

…I have this image of Punz specifically taking revenge against Sam for the prison situation by treating him as a pet cat. Collar and pet toys and everything. 😂

oh god this is a very Thick ask... im not sure i can answer all your questions in one. im gonna focus on short term(say, next few months) consequences of the reveal. i wanted to answer this after i finished my reveal comic but its taking SO DAMN LONG. so instead im answering it now.

dream: he feels... betrayed? maybe not quite the right word. but he was ready to be done with sam. hed given sam a way out. from dreams perspective, this feels kind of like sams obsession rearing its ugly head again. he tried to leave sam behind, give them some distance, and then sam somehow violated his trust AGAIN. it feels, in some ways, more vulnerable than last time. dreams hugged him and cried into his fur for fucks sake, nobody was supposed to see that. to cope with having a guy he just cant seem to get rid of, dream avoids him. he doesnt touch him except when he thinks of something he'd like to test, and doesnt talk to him unless its a short command, he doesnt feed him, he doesnt let him out, he just. doesnt do Anything. that involves sam. he tells punz, you persuaded me we should keep him alive, you take care of him. which punz does :) gladly :)

punz: feels... anger, of course. but most importantly, he feels like he can FINALLY do something to make up for all the ways in which dreams been hurt. he can finally hurt someone back. because sam is now Entirely at his mercy. dream tells him he doesnt care, as long as he doesnt die. so youre right to single punz out. punz is Very interested in taking revenge. hes no stranger to violence and hes got an imagination and a year of pent up frustration to take out. he dedicates a bit of his time to making sure sam will stay perfectly obedient. not even Try to escape. its a thinly veiled excuse to just hurt sam and he wont deny it when sam points it out. it still technically counts as obedience training, right? you take it, you beg, you tell me just how sorry you are, and you dont fight back. because if you do, that just means i have to hurt you harder to make it stick. he thinks sams scum!!! and hes very open about it!!!

(its a funny role reversal. punz is obviously not quackity. dream has to remind himself of that sometimes. and punz is right to be angry, anyway, dream understands why he is, so dream wont stop him. a few times he has to come clean sam up afterwards. neither he nor sam really want to acknowledge how famiiliar this feels)

these also arent like... regular. theyre not planned. punz is having a bad day? sam looks at him wrong? usually he just gets a kick or a glare, but sometimes.. Yeah Hahah. remember i mentioned declawing? thats at the very least a Threat. not sure yet if punz follows through but... its a big possibility.

sams pov will Have to be another ask this is getting long

[pwblogarchive]

May 2007

May 4, 2007

ryan ross lives in my house right now.

had a falling out with myself.

we just dont speak so much anymore.

theres nobody carrying weight.

nobody with hART and sole.

im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.

i day dream at night.

i call em all in the air.

sometimes i get it right.

the things i keep inside are worth double the ones anyone knows about.

almost caught a break, but im pretty sure it was a bad throw.

youre always getting caught, so am i.

i guess we are into the same kind of things.

posted by xo at 7:35 PM

May 6, 2007

i like blowing out other peoples birthday candles and stealing their wishes.

days inn- kind of has a different meaning when its days INside my head.

shut my eyes to keep the world out.

who have you become vs. who you are supposed to be.

been shittalking so much with people who are asleep on the inside.

their veins are pumping blood but their hearts just arent in it.

they blow over legal limits and their organs have put in their two weeks notice.

sometimes i write to keep the world out.

but most of the time i write to keep my world inside.

you have no idea what i do while you sleep.

im having a 2/3rd life crisis.

i got boring.

somewhere along the way.

where the wild things are turned into where the wilde things are.

i have played russian roulette exactly once in my life.

it was the single worst thing i have ever done in my life.

it doesnt matter what the proportions are on the girl to my direct right.

or the way her heart flutters faster than a hummingbird.

just the way she looks at me sometimes.

everything about me hangs on that....

on another note, sometimes the best nights all rest on winds and conversations you have in them.

thanks.

posted by xo at 6:31 PM

May 10, 2007

“fucking nuts.”

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 12, 2007

"i can hardly stand living but im afraid to die"

semisweet shadows lit in backrooms

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

posted by xo at 11:19 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

fucking nuts.

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 13, 2007

“ground control to major tom…”

i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.

or when i dont smile.

like they want it to impact but be forgotten.

im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.

how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.

chaos in a wink of the eye.

and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.

what if i said its all in reverse-

iamalonewhentheyflyyououtofmylifelikeamothinforcedflightawayfromthelight.

the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.

a thumb and two fingers in.

i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.

put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.

let me change someones day.

posted by xo at 11:17 PM

May 17, 2007

“and”

if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp.

posted by xo at 12:20 AM

May 17, 2007

“semisweet shadows lit in backrooms”

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

god been thinking. its been awhile since ive done that.

except for "here and there"s

sick of all the speculation.

this means that, that means this.

this is really the only place i can speak to anyone without people in glass towers watching me.

commenting.

so thank you for that.

id do anything to keep this going forever.

even in my head when i wanted to be blown off this fucking planet i still hoped that little blue record kept spinning in your room.

the reason you havent seen a video of fall out boy on fuse is because of corporate litigation.

the same reasons for half of what makes this all feel like its falling apart.

we only did cribs because we thought it was funny. hopefully you are in on the joke. we rented fake cars, like ferraris and just goofed around the whole time.

didnt even know how to open the doors.

not sure if our sense of humor is gonna come across or whether it will be mtvified.

my best friend is a dog.

sometimes i miss being down all the time like it was a close friend that moved away.

but sometimes the inside of my head and my heart and my stomach all meet up into this wretched combination.

i just want to let myself be happy.

id give anything to not give up on this.

take care. sleep safe. i will write more when it comes to me.

May 20, 2007

i actually know someone whos middle name is danger

a cayahoga falling out. class four class five. id still take em. letters all over printed on every piece of luggage ever. you think you found gold every single time. she is the call just before the street lights go out. she is the minute before the alarm goes off. slurring and purring just like and engine or a cat after hes had a fifth. sometimes i hope i dont wake up, sometimes im scared that i wont. its funny how that scale works. its like our lady of justice peeking under the blindfold. if i could keep you still long enough id slip a rope around your finger or maybe even a silver band. detox to retox. hope and hype are just a letter off. sometimes, i try and forget that.

posted by xo at 12:03 PM

May 24, 2007

10 years at sea for one day on shore.

"And I can deal with some psychic pain

If it'll slow down my higher brain

Veins full of disappearing ink

Vomiting in your kitchen sink"

i can kind of see this thing going a couple of different ways. the screen pressed close against the side of my face. ear to the speaker cause i have smashed all the others that project the songs inside this stupid box. my face this close to the keys, taunting me. "i can do whatever i want"s, "i can eat my dinner in a fancy restraunt"s. there is no semblance of meaning. ice cold blue lips, vocal chords and toungue in the back of my head with everything i wish i could say. the tip of the iceberg of a credit check on the emotionally bankrupt. curse phone service or rejoice in it depending on which end of the line we are on. looking for the last life jacket on this sinking ship called life. throw your "overdramatic"s out the window. throw your "old you"s in your fucking face. i get it it. i got it. i gut it. the sun sets and rises on the same old mood. the world has become a dangerous place to me- in my head and outside of it. cant seem to shake it. all roads lead back nowhere. the wilderness of the inside of your brain- which seems to drive your body whenever your heart or crotch is not at the helm. i feel like a slow motion replay of a crash that never happened. wanted to be an anthem not an away message. most of the time dont want to be anything at all. when you are alone is when you audit yourself. you become who you truly are. or arent. there arent any cliffs to throw yourself upon and theres no romance in just: me.

last year i made a list of songs to listen to in the dark when you are all alone. i figured i would do the same again:

donny hathaway "a song for you"

eliott smith " a fond farewell"

the chemical brothers "close your eyes"

damien rice "9 crimes"

beck "lost cause"

beth hart "leave the light on"

the smashing pumpkins "ava adore"

david bowie "space oddity"

iron and wine "such great heights"

stevie wonder "they wont go"

saves the day "hold"

bjork "hyperballad"

bright eyes "coat check dream song"

prince "nothing compares 2 u"

the supremes "where did our love go"

ben folds "the luckiest"

jeff buckley "hallelujah"

i said "i kind of wish i was a pirate"

and she replied "you pretty much are"

how could i not love that?

May 25, 2007

everyone

is either full of diet pills or shit.

and usually its both.

May 30, 2007

“what has this become?”

a question only countered in some monster movie madness.

sometimes spewed out just before the

signal down.

the wizard of oz in reverse.

from color to black and white.

i am completely obsessed with everyone who is completely unobsessed with me.

or sometimes with life.

and by life i dont mean heartbeats and breathing.

i mean 9 to fives and becoming the suburbs.

the complete fuck off of it all being that i am completely obsessed with backyards, christmas trees and lemonaid stands.

its like the northshore is my heaven, the valley is my golden gates.

excuse mne for nodding off.

always boring myself to death.

take a chill pill.

the story of my life

the unauthorized biography written by myself.

i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.

happiness is the sand in the sea.

its just a percentage of a percentage inside a body of water,

life is just a crocodile with a ticking clock inside of it chasing captain hook.

its just i havent figured out this graceful aging thing so well yet.

im sorry baby. my heart is clumsy. but i love you in a holding your hair back kind of way.

just wanna dip my toe into death to see if its a warm bath.

anytime anything breaks me open ever i just spit out a fortune.

if it means anything i spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.

addicted to addiction.

curiosity killed the cat. but what the fuck did loyalty ever get the dog.

May 31, 2007

"i dont believe...." anymore.

i have no words.

posted by xo at 5:47 PM

[un-pearable]

okay. s6 thoughts. you can pinpoint the part where my heart breaks right at the beginning of the season

i have to say though i was pleasantly surprised at how decent jay/naya was at like the 2/3rds way point of the season and onwards when its just them. like as you can tell i am not particularly fond of the way the writers attempt romance. but either way all i ask for is that jay/naya doesnt get any more drama. since i can never win with shipping in this series im not counting on it, but a girl can dream.

anyways i think its really kind of weird how all naya wanted this arc was some agency and then she... didnt even get to significantly contribute to ending the djinn. like man the only reason jay's wish got made was because she was dying for man pain. the irony is almost too much. but i digress

i simultaneously like and dislike jay's final wish bc i dislike that nya had to die and also that it undoes the whole season (except for jay and naya for some reason (????? like why does nobody else remember this. actually scratch that ive given up trying to understand how the djinn wishes work)) but i also like it because the way its presented feels like. i dont know. complete? rounded? its really weird. also fun fact im pretty sure i saw the final episode of this season and like none of the rest of it other than maybe the episode where the ninja go to jail. the wonders of cable tv

it is really terribly unfortunate, btw, that the only darker skinned character in the whole show is a rapist. i really dont like that i really dont like that at all.

in other news, zane continues to get nerfed by the writers by things outside his control because otherwise he'd be too powerful. they nerfed him when he took control of the team last season and they nerfed him again with the djinn wishes. i STILL dont understand how he deleted pixal. it makes no sense he just. did that (??????) and they didnt even try to explain

speaking of djinn lore that doesnt make sense to me, i still dont understand why he didnt just marry anybody on his ship and then wish them to be his girlfriend. like idk man that seems so much more simple.

i am also terribly terribly TERRIBLY disappointed we didnt get a "STOP THE WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" like for real what is Even The Point. whyd you even bother doing this at all. the answer is so that we could get jay/naya but man its not even explained how getting married gives him all those powers. just because. the other person doesnt even have to CONSENT and it works ????? somehow ????????? actually speaking of if she doesnt have to consent. whyd we even bother going through all this at all when she gets captured way earlier. man the lore of this season is just a mess.

im not gonna lie i really dont like the fact that zane's dad made a replacement for him. not even like a different kid its literally just zane 2.0 despite the fact that both of them are sentient and, yknow. people. that would, however, be a very interesting subplot to explore re: zane's identity as a robot but unfortunately we wont be getting that bc i dont think this show likes what i like very much. also very sad that the other zane, who is still a person btw, is gonna be trapped in that lighthouse for the rest of time.

also really really funny that old lloyd looks like a garmadon clone. reminded me of something my friend who i am liveblogging my ninjago revival to said like 3 days ago

anyways watch them give lloyd a girlfriend and watch me tear my hair out as the ninjago writers continue to curse me with their attempts at romance. im also like 40% sure a time travel arc is coming up soon but maybe im remembering wrong. guess we shall Wait And See.

also unrelated but i have to say the djinn response to a wish being "your wish is yours to keep" instead of "your wish is my command" is honestly pretty epic. i do love that.

also. a . question. are we.... are we ever going to get back to the fact that jay's bio dad is (presuming hes still alive. well i guess at the point the season leaves off he is but still you get the idea) a world famous actor and dumped his son off at a junkyard despite being fabulously wealthy and then named said son as his heir without ever contacting him (????????????????) please tell me we're going back to that. please. who the heck is his bio mom. many questions no answers.

so, my wishes for the next season: no love drama please i am on my hands and knees i am begging i am pleading no more romance. give me a break dear writers please. um other than that i was talking to previously mentioned friend earlier and i was like "well im pretty sure garmadon is coming back because if theres one thing this show hates its letting go of its cast" and she said that he comes back in an extremely mediocre way and thinks i will be mad so. that. is a thing i am . well i want to see him again but im also not so sure i want to see him again with this new information. so theres that. um i want more team interactions as always. i want people hanging out and being friends. i also want bad alt outfits. im a simple lady honestly

(preface: my infinite apologies for not getting this till now my life is a disaster rn. i am GREATLY enjoying these)

the immediate turnaround.... yeahhh. i'm a filthy early seasons stan and boy does it become very clear the more seasons they get that the struggle between the writer's cool ideas and their ability to execute them is constant and ongoing (and largely losses). im pretty sure s6 had some notoriously bad crunch too and it definitely shows

kudos to them for finally getting their one-on-one dynamic down bc it can be REALLY fun when used to its full potential but the majority of the time nya gets nerfed and its the biggest loss ever. theres so much to do with your deconstruction of the damsel how dare they fuck it up so many times 😔 dangers of an ever growing cast but cmon

i can do nothing but agree with your complex feelings on the ending bc its both incredibly frustrating and incredibly fitting. the racial implications of this show only get more,, concerning. as time goes on so tragically yeah. yeah. fuckin hell lego

zane king of my heart. the cornerstone of the team my tag is loadbearing nindroid for good reason. you are constantly correct

!!! yes!!! the one thing that could have made that entire plot line (slightly) more comedic than uncomfortable. literally nothing about this season has logic that makes sense even within JUST this season its terrible its great.

i can't even comment on the echo zane stuff its just baffling to me they don't ever use it. fucking WILD thing to make canon and then never bring it up again dear god. both intriguing implications for dr. julien's.... everything and completely squandered opportunity to actually get into robot storylines again which are 80% of the reason i watched the show. eternally crossing my fingers that those rumors about the villains are true bc dear god does julien get more fucked up the more you think about him. (preboot) chuck and dr julien are the same archetype stop making connections brain. that is a negative statement they're both well meaning but fucked up. and self flagellating for the wrong reasons

oHHH yeah. the familial symbolism in this series is like a drug to me i can't get enough of it. approaching lloyd and garmadon as the same core traits just with vastly different circumstances... ninjago has fascinating implications for the nature vs nurture debate ill leave it at that

it is!!! its cool as hell.

everything about jay is fascinating to me he has as many bonkers decisions behind his existence as lloyd does only he's supposed to be The Normal Guy so it loops back around. untapped comedic potential in him being wealthy enough to subsidize their entire crimefighting lifestyle but being too traumatized to explain why. the larry butz of ninjago.

[captain-lonagan]

i feel like the syndicate doesnt need to Lose a life or smth to be interesting (hell if anything, niki actually getting a win for once would be interesting) but the point from earlier about how l’manberg died all the time and the syndicate didn’t was kinda meant as shorthand for a larger point?

(btw i like c!niki and this problem doesn’t apply to her, this is about the syndicate’s concept and how it relates to the other three)

conflict causes story and character growth to happen and c!techno and c!phil haven’t changed since day 1. phil might’ve had a moment or two where he faltered but he’s never experienced something or had any realizations that would cause him to change his actions in a way thats significant to effect others. his character has very conditional, mild affection for most people and unconditional loyalty to techno. nobody has breached that barrier except for maybe ranboo, but phil destroyed ranboo’s old home and killed his pets so. not that much of a breach i guess.

and i understand techno is meant to be haha funny man so he probably won’t ever go under massive changes but also Wow. Wow Dude. he offered his help to pogtopia and when they set up a new government (as was their clear goal from the beginning that techno was willingly ignorant of) he went “wait i don’t like that” and set a bunch of withers on them and promised to return one day (he went on to retire, but he never told anyone that except for phil). when the l’manberg folks went after him because he destroyed their home and threatened to do so again, he escaped them and then destroyed their home again. he claims to despise government yet aligns himself with dream. when tommy saw that, like in pogtopia, their goals weren’t going to the same place he went “hey i cant accept your help and i can’t help you because this goes against my morals and ideals”. he said what techno said at the schlatt-l’manberg conflict but without the withers and accusations of “wanting to be a hero”. techno counts this as a betrayal but not what he did to l’manberg. he’s supposed to be haha funny dude but the things he does to people are not haha funny to anyone but him. few things actually affect him and nothing has affected him in a way that would cause him to reevaluate his actions or change anything about himself.

ranboo lives in relative isolation and has no stances on anything, he just goes along with what people tell him to do 90% of the time. he loads himself and his most important folks up with totems of undying so he essentially keeps himself and his besties in a safety bubble. because he never disagrees with anyone and rolls over when someone hurts him (i.e. techno and phil killing his pets on doomsday) he’s never changed in a way that would affect the people around him.

so the syndicate, a group of people who want to be judge jury and executioner for how people are allowed to live on the smp, is composed of Two guys defined by willing ignorance and regular ignorance, one guy who has no opinion or experience beyond getting his home blown up by the previous two guys, and niki.

if anyone gets an opinion in this (which, imo, they shouldn’t but that’s another deal) it’s niki because she’s actually experienced life on the smp with other people. she was part of l’manberg to the end, she was part of the pet war, she worked with jack, she has experience with communities on the smp so her opinion is actually based on something other than “idk these people or their history and i don’t want to, let’s blow them up because their lifestyle doesn’t align with my ideological theories”.

this post got away from me, sorry

point is that the syndicate doesn’t need to lose or be traumatized to be interesting, but at least a couple of the members (besides niki, she’s already got this growing-changing-nonlinear-progress thing on lock) need to have some sort of experience with the outside world or have some sort of growth because rn there hasn’t been any

[firemblem-fics]

SFW alphabet. | seteth

-> Pairing: Seteth x GN!Reader

-> Warnings: None

-> Genre: Fluff, Headcanons

-> A/N: this was chosen by a poll on my discord server except i gave no context in the poll so this is for y’all :) also uh im sorry if i’m not active in the next week, i rlly just had the absolute worst nervous breakdown ive had in a long while LMAO so uh ya might stay away from the internet for a while

warning, long post.

A -> Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

with seteth, affection STAYS private. it will never ever be displayed out in the open, especially not around the students. he prefers to keep personal relationships out of professional life

when he does show affection, though, it’s super slow and gentle. he always hugs you from behind and just sways side to side, pressing little kisses against your temple and cheek while you lean i to his embrace and close your eyes.

B -> Begin (How did the relationship begin?)

it didn’t really have a solid beginning. you just kind of wormed your way into seteth and flayn’s hearts unknowingly. when he asked to court you, you were super super hesitant because you didn’t want to replace his late wife. he assured you that she’d want him and flayn to be happy and that she’d 100% approve of you.

you still have your doubts, but seteth is always there to reassure you.

C -> Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How do they cuddle?)

cuddling is saved for nights or early mornings on a day off. seteth is always itching to get up and get things done, so it’s a little on the tougher side to get him to stay. eventually he caves and lays in.

you cuddle facing each other, your head tucked underneath his chin and his legs entangling yours. his hand that lays underneath you plays with the ends of your hair while the other rests gently on your thigh, which is hiked over his hip.

D -> Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How good are they at cooking and cleaning?)

seteth’s thoughts rarely every go astray, but when they do, he imagines what life would be like, just retiring from the monastery and living a nice life with you. he’d like to settle down eventually, but not any time soon

he’s super good at doing his part in chores and duties! of course he is, but he’s very very reliable and does things when asked. it’s nice

E -> Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

he would sit you down and explain his reasonings and such. it hurts him, definitely, but he does well at hiding it. until you leave his office, that is.

F -> Fiancé(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quickly would they want to get married?)

not any time soon, as said earlier. seteth really will not stop his obligations towards the monastery and to fodlan. he wouldn’t have time nor would he want a very extravagant wedding, either. a simple ceremony would suffice.

G -> Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

physically, seteth is the epitome of a soft, romantic man. his touches make you melt and he’s always trying to keep you comfortable and happy. if you’re content, hes content.

emotionally, not as much. seteth has trouble sympathizing with some things. he’s used to pushing his feelings aside for the sake of fulfilling a duty or doing something, so he struggles sometimes to understand why someone else can’t do the same. give him time, though, and he’ll get better at comforting

H -> Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

seteth’s hugs are firm and warm. they’re always like a passionate embrace, as if it would be the last time he’d ever touch you

seteth really enjoys hugs and physical affection with you, but as i said earlier, it’s always behind closed doors. sometimes he calls you to his office just so you can sit in his lap while he holds you.

I -> I Love You (How fast do they say the L-word?)

NOT fast. seteth is kind of in denial that he even had feelings for you at first until flayn pointed it out, so it’s rather hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that he loves you.

he does say it first though, as you’re half asleep, making you wonder if you even heard it correctly. you did.

J -> Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

seteth doesn’t get jealous, really. there’s really nobody around to even like, make him jealous. he knows that a bunch of weird ass teenagers like sylvain aren’t going to actually come in between his and your relationship. honestly, most people in the monastery probably don’t even know that you’re both in a relationship.

if he is jealous, he stays relatively nonchalant about it, asking you to help him with a task somewhere else to take you away from the person

K -> Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

seteth’s kisses are very loving and passionate. every single one of them are full of adoration, even the little pecks. they never fail to warm up your entire body as everything melts away around you

he loves to kiss your neck. not just for more intimate reasons, but because he absolutely adores your giggles as his beard tickles your skin

this only happens when your relationship has been going on for a while, but seteth really enjoys it when you kiss his ears. they’re super sensitive and they always tinge as red as his cheeks when you kiss them.

L -> Little Ones (How are they around children?)

seteth is super good around his own child, of course, but he doesn’t so so hot around other children. theyre often too rambunctious for his liking, but he’ll tolerate them enough to entertain them sometimes.

M -> Mornings (How are mornings spent with them?)

three words. soft, soft, and soft

you usually either wake up in the same position that you fell asleep in, or you’re spooning. seteth’s always the big spoon, no acceptions. if you’re spooning, he kisses your shoulders and the back of your head until you wake up enough to turn over and give him an actual kiss.

N -> Nights (How are nights spent with them?)

also soft, but a little less.

seteth is always so busy during the day that when he lays in bed, he falls asleep almost instantaneously. if you want to stay up and talk or cuddle, he’ll try his hardest, but please don’t be upset with him if he accidentally dozes off. he’s a hard worker

O -> Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything at once or wait to reveal things slowly?)

this depends on who you are. if you’re the professor, you more than likely already know everything by the time you get in a relationship with him

if you’re not, then he trusts you enough to catch you up on most things in the early weeks of your relationship. sometimes there’s a little tidbit that he may have forgotten to mention in the talk that comes up later on, but that’s really it

P -> Patience (How easily angered are they?)

seteth has the patience of a saint

hehe

but no, literally. very rarely does he get irritated or impatient with you. you know how he is and know how he likes things to happen or be done, so you do them. kind of like in the Domestic headcanon, he does his part so you try your hardest to do yours. he doesn’t ever have a reason to be impatient with you and is actually rather understanding now that he knows how you function as well

Q -> Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

seteth remembers everything. literally everything. you’d think in his 1000+ years of life, he’d be an old ass man with shit memory, but no. to seteth, you and flayn are his number one priority and he’d never forget a thing about yall.

R -> Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

seteth’s favorite memory is when he accidentally walked in on you hanging out flayn. you two weren’t doing much other than reading and talking about your books, but it warmed his heart to see his two favorite people bonding

S -> Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

insanely protective, but like in things that matter. if you’re doing something that could get you hurt, he’s in defense mode trying to get you to safety. if you’re in battle, he’s sure to always know where you are just in case.

he’s not one to appreciate being protected- he feels like he failed to protect his people in the past, so to be the protected instead of the protector makes him a little iffy- but he’ll always admit that he needed the protection and will always show his gratitude

count how many times i said protect in that second paragraph wow

T -> Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, etc?)

seteth is romantic. he’s not much for physical gifts, but the memories and sentiment and feelings are so real and present that you really don’t need material things to know that he loves you

of course he does give you gifts, like a pretty bouquet of flowers that he saw in the greenhouse, or a necklace or something from the market that reminded him of you

U -> Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

seteth tends to forget to slow down and take a break every once in a while. he’s constantly finding tasks to do around the monastery and doing things to help rhea that he often neglects his own well being. you always remind him and try your best to help him out, but he never really breaks that habit

V -> Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks? Do your looks bother them?)

seteth is rather concerned about how he’s seen in the public eye. how could he not? he’s a very prim and proper man. this, however, doesnt extend to you as much.

he doesn’t expect you to dress up to the nines every day just to be seen around him or whatever. he may be like “darling, are you sure you want to be walking around the monastery in your pajamas?” but the minute you’re like “hell yeah” he lets you be.

W -> Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

this is a tough one, because i feel like seteth would do just fine on his own and would still feel relatively whole. but there would always be like this tiny little sliver of him that constantly misses you when you’re not around

X -> Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

seteth has a secret, super playful side that only comes out when you’re alone in your shared bedroom. he likes to play wrestle you and mess around just to hear your laugh and see you smile.

Y -> Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, in general or in a partner?)

in a partner, seteth wouldn’t really like someone who’s obnoxiously loud and blatantly disrespectful. it’s one of his biggest pet peeves and he wouldn’t date someone like that.

this doesn’t pertain to people who like, don’t realize their volume or is disrespectful to someone who deserves the disrespect, though. he doesn’t like just overly rude and jnconfiderate people who are like that for no reason

Z -> Zzz (What’s a sleep habit of theirs? Does it change around a partner?)

seteth is the lightest sleeper in the history of the world. he’s always on guard for something to happen. i dont blame him, but sometimes even the littlest bumps in the night wake him up almost completely. don’t ever try to sneak out of bed because chances are, he woke up from you just opening your eyes.

if anything, this habit becomes even more prominent when you start sharing a bed with him. he’s just afraid of losing you is all 😃

[mieczyhale]

i mean klaus got choked by Luther and thrown and just all round disrespected, BUT he was awful to Luther (who has little to NO social skills) after finding him with the girl. I think what people most zero on this scene is Klaus saying he doesn’t remember his first time bc he was high/drunk, while ignoring Luther who also doesn’t/barely remembers HIS first time bc he was high/drunk. I actually really LOVE this scene in terms of character development (1/2)

this scene and the ‘I want to be u’ scene too, bc it shows how awful their relationship is and how reginald trained them to compete with each other and put each other down, to ‘win’ so to speak, and how the way they were treated and how they treated each other manifests in this bitterness and mockery. specially Klaus who must feel angry no one takes his struggles seriously. bc in healthy siblings dynamics they don’t treat each other that way. but..... yeah it’s awful and sad 😔 (2/2) i’d like to thank you, anon, for sending asks on this topic that have some good points and aren’t dickish. it is greatly appreciated and you are an angel <3 i’m going to try and respond and explain my feelings on this the best i can but.. no promises on quality lmfao it’s almost 3AM and i’m three (3) drinks in so IMMA DO MY BEST

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  [[just a heads up also that i am NOT re-reading this before posting. i do not have the energy for that so it’s just gonna be what it’s gonna be]] Luther (who has little to NO social skills) - I think what people most zero on this scene is Klaus saying he doesn’t remember his first time bc he was high/drunk, while ignoring Luther who also doesn’t/barely remembers HIS first time bc he was high/drunk. the thing is, and this seems to depend entirely on the perspective and personal experiences of the person watching, klaus wasn’t awful to luther. he wasn’t mocking. he was doing what siblings do - they tease. as for ignoring luther who doesn’t really remember his first time for the same reasons klaus doesn’t remember his: i dont think it was ignoring so much as it was klaus wouldn’t consider it a big deal - it wouldn’t occur to him to think of it that way - because it wasn’t for him. and even when you know that your sibling doesn’t have much for social skills, it’s probably not something that’s going to stay at the forefront of your mind and direct every interaction you have with them - especially in regards to a sibling you haven’t seen in 13 years - so it would make sense for klaus to not interact with luther in more of a way people would find acceptable. perfect sibling interactions dont happen i mean klaus got choked by Luther and thrown and just all round disrespected, BUT there is no but there - some teasing (or mocking, depending on how you see it) is nowhere near the same thing as choking someone, throwing them across a room, AND consistently being genuinely rude and disrespectful. i’m not saying klaus can’t be mean or a jackass - he absolutely can - but to say he was awful or horrible to luther ESPECIALLY post!rave is bananas.  klaus tried to cheer luther up, offered to try summoning reginald even though that’s the last thing he’s ever want to do, tried to stop luther from drinking more, tried to convince luther that drugs and alcohol weren’t the way to go, tried to stop luther from venturing out on his own, went after him when he didn’t listen - and yeah, he wanted to stop part way in because of withdrawals, but he didn’t. and it’s not just because ben tried to guilt him - ben does not control the klaus. if klaus didn’t want to keep looking for luther he wouldn’t have. so he finds him. he goes into the worst possible place for someone who is trying to get sober because his inexperienced brother is there, he tries to get luther to leave with him and while he’s struggling so horribly the whole time - because of the immediate access to drugs and the ptsd episode - he tried to protect luther and gets killed for it.  and then never brings any of this up to luther after the dude is sober. he could have - he could have been petty and cruel about it, because if luther knew i dont doubt he would feel horrible and it would weigh on him so much, both as a brother and as the leader, but klaus never did. and maybe that was because he didnt think anyone would believe him but i think part of it was not wanting to hurt luther because he knows what drugs and alcohol do to a person - he knows very fucking well - he knows the lack of control and awareness and he isnt going to hold it against luther the way we all know everyone holds everything against klaus - the things he did while mentally on another planet. AT MOST klaus teases him when he goes to wake luther up for a family meeting - in a manner that comes off silly but not - imo - cruel. simply ridiculous, as klaus often is. but he pours luther a cup of coffee and they talk about his conversation with their dad and that’s that their only other interactions after that are when klaus, diego, and five go to the bar to get luther - and that isnt even an interaction because they dont talk. and then in the car on the way to leonard’s cabin.. where they dont talk. and then at the cabin klaus has his hand on luther’s shoulder, providing a small act of comfort while also devastated because literally everyone knows luther and allison. they’re in the infirmary when allison needs blood but again - they dont talk. and then in the scene where vanya is bringing down the academy - brief, and they dont talk. and then it’s the bowling alley - where klaus tries to be honest with everyone, expresses a quiet offer of help that nobody takes seriously, and then okay yes - he snaps back at luther when luther is a dick to him. but its nothing actually cruel and he immediately tries to backtrack. after that moment the only time they talk is when luther is asking klaus if ben is in agreement on time traveling at the end of episode 10 so where in there was klaus cruel and awful and horrible?? i mean i guess those things can depend, again, on a person’s perspective and experiences - and maybe people have different takes on what those words mean (and the extent they cover) and yknow what?? gotta say - that’s valid. nobody can control how someone else takes in the show - we cant even control how we take it in ourselves. but for me this specific line of takes is absolutely noodles. do i think klaus was flawless? fuck no. i wouldnt love him so much if he was. but i dont think any of his interactions with luther can be considered horrible on his end. i dont see this awful person in those moments that apparently other people do Klaus who must feel angry no one takes his struggles seriously. this though. t h i s t h o u g h. i’m not gonna get super into it because this response is already kind of a lot BUT yes. whether klaus knows it or not, acknowledges it or not, he probably is so angry and hurt that nobody takes his struggles seriously. nobody ever has - i mean ben has followed him around for the last 13 years, has seen some of what he’s been through and has learned about the rest, and he STILL digs into klaus and acts like he doesn’t have a reason to be the way he is. if not even ben can take his trauma seriously, and he - at least pre!death - seemed to be the kindest, then how would anyone else?? they wouldn’t and It Shows. and, of course, that includes luther - who i agree, was in a way separated from the others - not physically but like.. ranking and power wise, by reginald and his constant push of luther being number one and that meaning Everything. and klaus - well we all know what reginald thought of klaus and i dont doubt he filled luther’s head with his opinions which luther would internalize as Facts - because reginald had a hold on luther that he didn’t quite have on any of the others. (i mean he totally had a hold on all of them, they’re all fucked up, but luther stayed there because reginald had him so convinced of the academy’s mission and luther’s importance to him) SO. if klaus WERE to verbally be aggressive with luther or anyone i personally would understand - why should he take other people’s trauma seriously, expend the heart and energy to care and to do what he can to cheer them up, when they can’t even take a moment to listen to him - or see what’s right in front of their eyes. i’d be fucking pissed. tbh i think klaus handles things pretty fucking well from the funeral on considering the Everyfuckingthing.  he’s sassy - yeah. he can be jackass and he has the potential to be cruel - hell yeah. but he expresses more care for each of his siblings in s1 than any of them do for him (except maybe diego) and idk, man, i have seen the first season somewhere beyond 15 times (i stopped counting) and i’ve never taken any of klaus’s words or actions towards luther to be genuinely cruel or horrible. it just doesnt read that way for me and i honestly struggle to see how people CAN see it that way.. so here i am. annoyed. but on my own tumblr bc i have no desire to @, fight, or argue with anyone over opinions but sometimes a little bastard just has to vent yknow?? yknow.

[into-control]

im so fucking pissed and worried rn, my mom and sister are on vacation. and on my moms phone i downloaded instagram and logged into most of my accounts i own or co-own, around 4 to 5, all of them. so u know when you have multiple accounts insta just lets u save the info so u dont have to type in your password everytime right? i did that on my moms phone because nobody ever uses her phone except for me apart from her, she also doesnt use insta. So i have all my notifs on for all my accounts [1]

and while i was talking to my friends i found out that my aunt requested to follow me on my spam account. my aunt is also on vacation with them. i am NOT out to anybody but my closest friends. nobody knows i have a spam account except for my friends that im out to. i was so fucking confused as to how she found my spam account. my aunt doesnt follow people unless she knows them personally. so i went to check how she found me and apparently i was following her on my spam, which i dont ever [2]

remember doing. i dont follow any of my relatives or family on my spam account. My spam account is filled with all my personal and private stuff, me ranting about my problems, sexuality and shit. i went to check when i followed since i dont recall doing so. so i sorted my follows from latest and her account was the first, which means i followed her recently, right below her account was a page i followed just about 2 days ago, so if i followed her, i would have remember doing that. [4]

and then it clicked in my head that my sister could have been using my moms phone to use my instagram. although she HAS instagram??? i was worried she might have seen all my spam posts and read thru all of them but then i shrugged it off and just logged out from every device from my spam acc and another account i use more often. so just now while i was scrolling thru insta i was looking at stories, i saw MY OTHER rarely active account POSTING A STORY?? i was so fucking confused. [5]

and when i clicked on the story it was just a hotel room. i've seen the hotel that my mom and sister were gonna live in but when i saw that i was absolutely losing my shit and didnt look into too clearly. I instantly logged into that acc and logged out from EVERY DEVICE. its so fucking frustrating. i literally dont understand my sister rn and im so fucking pissed at her. why the FUCK would she do that?? shes not younger than me or anything. shes older than me by FIVE YEARS. [7?]

she should KNOW better as an older sister. im so angry at her for invading my privacy and following whoever she likes, looking through my shit, posting on stories like its HER account. i dont care if she knows im gay or not, i know she probably has suspicions but she just crossed the fucking line. how dare she fucking log into all my accounts and do whatever the fuck she likes? i cant even have one bit of privacy anymore. the internet is one and possibly my only safe space and now [8]

she just invaded my privacy. she couldve read through all my shit and confirmed her suspicions, but im not ready to come out. not to anyone from my family. i dont care how supportive she is, this is just so fucking rude. i cant believe she would do something like that. i trusted her, i never read thru her shit, scrolled through her phone and did whatever she told me not to do. and now shes simply logging into my accounts as she wishes and posting whatever the fuck she wants?? [9]

i dont know what other social media apps are on my mothers phone and currently logged in. and im so scared that she'll just go in and do whatever the fuck she wants,im so pissed that my last resort of a safe place,a place where i can be myself for once, where i can have privacy was just completely destroyed by her. im so fucking upset. i literally have nowhere to be myself anymore. all my stuff just for friends who know me better than family, she probs read them all. i can never get a break,[9?]

anyway, thats my ranting, i hope u have a nice weekend. mine just ended the worst way possible. [10?, i lost count]

————

i’m so sorry anon, nobody deserves this :/ keep us updated if anything happens

[ladylyra]

I adore your Pokémon gijinkas! In fact you inspired me to draw some of my team lol, but what I came here to ask is do you have any backstory/summary about your swsh team like the one you gave to another person about your bw nuzlocke teammates?

ill be honest i dont have super detailed backstories for them but i definitely have character summaries!

kyle: you could say his “thing” is that he is really dumb but he certainly means well. hes always trying to make other people happy and wants nothing more than to have fun! he’s always looking onto the bright side of things and what he lacks in planning/forethought he makes up for with strength. i think he trusts others a bit too much, accepting Mura’s word with little question. he doesn’t hold back anything that is on his mind. felix is like his dad and when fleur entered the team last he was the first to try to include her because she was so shy, didn’t catch on that she liked him until a...while later. missy is his childhood friend but heidi is his best friend! his ‘dumbness’ is mostly just his impulsive tendencies combined with his optimism/unwavering trust. he will remember anything you tell him.

felix: the ‘team dad’ as i have appointed him. he spent a lot of time reigning in kyle and missy when they were younger and rlly does love them. as missy has grown up they spend a lot of time together and have tea a lot. hes more like her mentor now, always giving her advice and teaching her things, stuff like that. he gets annoyed pretty easily but he doesn’t, like, snap. i will jokingly call him a boomer bc he is a bit older and doesn’t keep in with the times or trends, and he can usually count on heidi to try to tell him about things (he’ll just nod along so he doesnt discourage her but he still doesnt understand honestly) i imagined he was a bit of a rebel in his nickit days before he had to wise up with two BABIES around and here he is now.

missy: she has a pretty stoic and femme persona, generally well liked by most who look at her, but she can be very callous and brash if she feels close enough to you. she likes to shame mura for causing drama but really she can be just as bad, just that nobody ever suspects her of anything. she’s not shy to the caliber of fleur, more bold even if shes reserved in her speech. the ��mature one’ of her and kyle when they grew up, but would just observe his nonsense rather than stop him (this changing eventually as they got older.) she takes after felix a bit from observing him and being partially raised by him, although being an adult now she wishes to be viewed more as an equal than as a kid (luckily, he does!) she and heidi have a close relationship; missy originally felt heidi was someone she could be her ‘true self’ with until she realized heidi was looking for someone she could drop the punk vibes around, so basically the complete opposite for the both of them. theres a happy medium in there somewhere.

mura: you basically know mura the moment you look at mura. he likes to cause trouble and be a general hindrance to normal life for anyone around him with few to no exceptions. felix hates him but hes too valuable a power to the team to ever make leave. one of his favorite hobbies is telling kyle false facts that he will then spread. theres little that can bother him, besides heidi. they both have the incredible skill of being the only people that can trouble the other. it’s kind of a love/hate relationship and a months long game that neither will give up on. the only person he cant fool is missy and the only person he wont try to mess with is fleur because despite his love of antagonizing others, theres no real joy in making someone cry (at least not fleur.) he likes to act like hes bothered by her friendliness toward him but its kind of...nice. it makes him ALMOST feel bad he messes with kyle daily.

heidi: kind of what you’d expect of a toxtricity; punk rock, loves loud noise, always trying to have fun (like kyle! they became fast friends.) the only difference is that she really isn’t all this. she feels kind of embarrassed that she can be just as traditionally ‘girly’ despite her aesthetic, and isn’t as forthcoming with these traits. she hides her love of cute things and is sad that fleur seems to be scared of her at times (they’re working on it.) and as of now missy is the only one she can be slightly open with. her back and forth relationship with mura is of note, and while it does involve a lot of teasing, i think by this point there is some understanding that there’s more than that. they work incredibly well together in battle and when times get tough they would consider eachother allies. there’s some very evident flirting at times, but neither are into something serious. heidi seems to attract admirers wherever she goes (to which she happily accepts them.)

fleur: oh fleur. just a little baby. she was the last to join the team and found it very hard to find a place for herself, so she opted for not merging at all. she mostly just admired the synergy of everyone else and kept to herself. it wasn’t like she didn’t want to find friends, but she could never push herself into the spotlight. one individual she admired as well as began crushing on rather severely was kyle; i jokingly call her a morosexual but really she really values his optimism and spirit, since she lacks both of those things, in her opinion. for a while all she did was kind of observe him from afar because she didn’t know how to approach him, but he eventually caught on and began including her himself. it’s a bit overwhelming at times, but he did help her a lot in blending in better with the team--now its kind of like hes the one observing her, making sure she’s comfortable and alright. heidi tried a similar approach and being friendly with her, but fleur is admittedly intimidated by heidi much to the girl’s disappointment. she’s warming up to mura, using what little optimism she’s learning to have to help improve her relationships. missy and her get along pretty well; missy is trying to get her out of her shell by slowly but surely sharing her troublemaking tendencies with her.

[hadeestown]

i watched the heathers on riverdale episode and listened to the soundtrack on spotify and i have a lot of things to say

FIRST OF ALL @ riverdale fandom dont freaking attack me for saying these. just being frank with yall

also the only actors whose names i know of are kj apa, cole sprouse, lili reinhart, camila mendes, and casey cott

BEAUTIFUL

- CASEY COTT,,,,he saved this song he should’ve just sang it alone - they made it so PG they didnt even include the fREAK SLUT CRIPPLE HOMO HOMO HOMO - okay camila sounded okay - kj apa,,,honey youre cute but pls stop singing - josie can sing but like,,,not for musicals - can everyone pls get the emotions right in this song thEYRE LITERALLY SINGING ABOUT HOW HIGH SCHOOL FREAKING SUCKS AND THEYRE ALL "just not today! :D" or "just not today *seductive wink*" - the autotune in lili's verse knjkACN - cole's voice is so deep he sounds like he wants to die - "why do i act like such a creep" whoever sang that im sorry but youre terribly fla t - so many wasted harmonies - "aHhh HEAther hEAther aNd hEATher" why falsetto - "lets make her beautiful" rip harmonies "okAY? okay?" rip falsetto uGh - cheryl can sing but i dont know something's wrong,,, probably autotune - "you hope you dream you pray ANd you GEt yoUR wAY" autotune count: ive lost count - The riverdale producers giving casey cott the high veronica notes is one of the few things they got right in this episode

CANDY STORE - heathers 101 lyrics knAKJCNJA i want to die - they can say biotch but not dick huh - the orchestration's weird,,,but okay - GO PLAY DUCK DUCK GOOSE - ICE CREAM - the first verse was okay then autotuned kicked in - the verses are pretty okay - i want more emotion pls just,,, sound bitchier - "SEE YOU DONT HAVE IT WATCH THIS" HACKNASCKJA IM CACKLING - rip harmonies in 2nd chorus,,,,those were great but they probably didnt find a person who can do the crazy mcnamara notes huh - DOORKNOB - cheryl youre struggling with the bridge - "kEEP ON TESTING ME *lower octave* and end up like her" oof whERE ARE THE HIGH MCNAMARA NOTES - i didnt understand the chandler riff what was that about - rip harmonies aGAIN this song had a lOT of amazing harmonies and they,,,threw it away

FIGHT FOR ME - josie honey youre terribly autotuned - kj apa kjnSCJNKANCKJA why - everything's so autotuned i dont even know what's real and what's not - i kinda like the end harmonies,,that's it tho

BIG FUN - okay orchestration's great - again with the heathers 101 lyrics jNCKSNAJC dont do heathers if you arent bold enough to curse on tv - rip harmonies,,,,,,,,,nobody did like the high notes jesus christ - convenient that they have a character named "Veronica" in the show - i dont know if thats camila's real voice but it did sound nice,,,however, i still believe it's autotUNED - once again, they gave casey cott the high veronica notes "i FEEL LIKE BONO AT LIVE AID" - "take a picTURE I'LL NEED PROOF" who the hell said that he sounded so monotone and emotionless like he forgot at the last minute he had to say a line - awkward silence for the part "i broUGHT SPARKLING CIDER :D" - no context "danG DANG DIGGITY DANG DANG" hAJKCSJNAC me initimidating my enemies - once again, akward silence for the dialogues - dang dang diggity dang dang everything's so autotuned - thE INSTRUMENTAL'S SO LOUD probably to mask the fact that most of the cast werent *cough* vocally trained

DEAD GIRL WALKING - what THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT TINY HARP SOUND AT THE INTRO OF DGW ANKCSJACI CHOKED - a u t o t u n e d  girl walking - the instrumental got better - i see they went with like pianos and shit and not mostly electric guitar for the guitar solo riffs - "ALL HOPE IS GONE IM A DEAD GIRL WALKING IM ON YOUR LAWN" gurl,,,youre in school,,,and there is no window lock,,,,,,, - heATHERS 101 lYRICS KASNKCJANSCKA - "had to see yOU HOPE I DIDNT WAKE YOU" bitch youre all awake in school - i cant listen to this song anymore without hearing the weird hair swishes and sound effects - "that works for me" yall monotone as hELL like yall dont wanna have intense sex just,,,okay sex - "hoWD YOU FIND MY ADDRESS" none of the lyrics make sense bc uhm,,,,theyRE IN SCHOOL - "i think you tore my mattress" gurl is chill as hell where is the concern over the mattress AHAHFANKCC - at least the guy sounded a bit hornier than the other girl - goodbye intense barrett notes - AHAHAHHAA they yeeted away from the G#5 - it's just like G#4??? - the other girl doesnt sound shes enjoying the sex huh - the guy who did the jd riff at the end,,,,hMMM pretty good but is it auTOTUNED??? the question remains - i can tell the whole song's like,,,autotuned but if just a little bit, toni sounded actually great

OUR LOVE IS GOD - the cult girl is not showing any emotion,,,,she's like reciting the lyrics hDJCKAJ - casey cott sounds great but autotuned ruined his voice - harmonies sound great actually - the instrumental is inTENSELY loud as HELL again - "they die becauSE THEY SAY THEY MUST" no context bc jD did not kill anyone in this scene - the ending harmonies were great

SEVENTEEN - fuck me i liked this the first time i heard it - im biased probably bc i love seventeen knKSCAJ - intro instrumental sounded a bit off key - cole pls dont sound dead - lili sounds great - SEVANTEEN - cole redeemed himself in the harmony chorus - is this shit autotuned???? bitch - SEvANTEEN (Cole Sprouse, 2019) - okay one thing's for sure, the tonight part is dEFINITELY AuTOTUnED - the toni girl is intensely autotuned wtf

LIFEBOAT - WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INSTRUMENTAL - IT SOUNDS LIKE A NEW SONG LIKE LIFEBOAT WHO?? - I HATE IT - camila you dont sound oppressed - where's the emotion,,,,,elle mclemore who???? - i think the high notes are autotuned???????????????? whats new - I THOUGHT I WAS CAPTAIN - okay lyric change to fit the plot but,,,weird nonetheless - again,,,fuck this instrumental

SEVENTEEN REPRISE - in the episode, it looks weird as hell bc like random cast members are singing it when VERONICA and MARTHA should be singing it - hello??? chandler kurt and ram should be dead yet theyre still on stage???? fully clothed??? singing with everyone else????? - the producers DID NOT watch the musical - "martha are you free tonight?" - the girl playing veronica sawyer sings as she stares out into the audience and not at martha bc riverdale isnt about to cast a fat girl and give a fat girl some screentime on their show - KJ APA PLS - also cheryl,,,pls - a u t o tu n e - the song doesnt make any sense anymore bc it's taken out of context to fit the plot,,, - theyre all singing to an invisible martha - at least the harmonies sound decent fiNALLY - hello head voice - "TAKE oFF OUR SHOES AND DANCe" - the ending "BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL" i could not hear the girls bc they were all. singing. in. head. voice. or was it falsetto??? - im so done with this

OVERALL - what's the point of doing a heathers episode if yall aint gonna stick to the musical - i get that it has to be aligned with the show's plot but,,,,okay you do you - the people playing JD and Veronica were totally ignored bc like some songs meant for them werent even sung by them lmaooOOOO what is this - to summarize: AUTOTUNE - heathers kidz bop version by riverdale (2019) - im honestly just thirsty for new heathers content so i forced myself to live through this - costumes look cute tho - ALSO in their heathers promo poster, josie is wearing her veronica sawyer costume,,,,i dont recall seeing her wear that except for the last scene in seventeen (reprise) - basically seventeen (reprise) was a mess,,, - im judging them so much as if i can do better,,,,,,,,but whatever

IN CONCLUSION - they shouldve learned from their carie episode that musical episodes arent meant for riverdale - at this point, i dont even know what's autotuned and what's real

[mattgambler]

My thoughts on Sekiro - Shadows Die Twice

TLDR: I talk about what I liked and disliked about Sekiro and why it in my eyes is probably* the best game From Software has released to date. Which means I also compare it to Dark Souls a lot.

*I havent played Demon Souls or Bloodborne, so I cant really talk about those. As someone who played through all three Dark Souls games as well as several other soulslikes on stream, I always stood by the unpopular opinion that Dark Souls 1 is a good game, but also a vastly overrated one - with one of the most unbearable fanbases out there, right up there with Undertale, albeit for very different reasons. My opinion is of course strongly coloured by my interactions with diehard fans of Dark Souls, both on stream as well as everywhere else on the Internet, but at the end of the day I never hated Dark Souls. I wouldnt have played through all three games otherwise. I *did* hate smaller aspects, like the fact that I ended up entering the tomb of the giants without ever finding a lantern and therefore  being forced to crawl through that place in near complete darkness until I found the emergency lantern in there, simply because I was unlucky enough to have none of the necromancers drop one for me. Or how the curse mechanic in the sewers got me trapped in a place that i already struggled with, but now with only 50% of my original HP. Or the entire “Git Gud” mentality that is so grossly abused to defend poor game design that the travesty that is camera control in the Ornstein and Smough fight looks like a piece of art in comparison. Onionbro and Solaire would weep if they knew. There were other things that I didnt enjoy, like what the Souls games count as a story, but I have an easier time pinning that down as personal preference and something that just isnt for me. Vaatividya makes good videos. The tomb of the giants without a lantern however, that just shouldnt exist in any game, not to mention a game that is glorified to such an extent that it could get its dick sucked every day by a different dude without running out for centuries. Can you taste that sweaty salt yet? Along comes Sekiro, a game by the same dev studio, with the same feel, minus many of the things that I have hated and criticized for several years now. Guess what, I like it.    This isnt a review, Im not trying to tell you if you should buy, Im not telling you that there are no microtransactions in the game or what framerate it isnt capped at. There are tons of videos online that jump-attacked all over that on day 1 of release or earlier. Im telling you why, in my opinion, this game is so vastly superior to Dark Souls that it simply warms my heart. Let me start a list and then never finish it: - You can swim - You can jump - You can talk - You dont immediately die when you fall off a cliff - You cant accidentally walk over a cliff like a moron, at least most of the time. - You can’t simply rely on dodgerolls and invincibility frames all the time - You can understand the story without having to go to Youtube to have it explained to you by someone - You can’t kill strong enemies simply by chain parrying them over and over, or at least it is hell of a lot harder - You can’t simply kill strong enemies by knocking them off a cliff (I think) - You can’t abuse magic for an immediate easy mode - You can’t abuse coop for an immediate easy mode

... I’m getting a little unfair here, I know. I actually think coop is a cool feature, even though I personally never used it and even the multiplayer pvp invasions are an original and interesting concept, although I’m not personally into it. Magic is cool too, although poorly balanced and therefore in my opinion less interesting. The reason I added those last two points to my unfinished list is not because I dislike them, but because of the lately relevant “does Sekiro need an easy mode” controversy. Especially the most elitist diehard fans of the souls franchise strongly disagree with the addition of an easy mode, which is funny... ... given that Dark Souls 1 has several. Personally I dont think Sekiro NEEDS an easy mode, but it sure wouldnt hurt anyone. I personally wouldnt have minded playing on a lower difficulty, I had three or four bosses greatly overstay their welcome before I finally managed to smash their asslike faces in. ...but Im rambling. On a surface level, just looking at the feel of combat, movement and overall story coherence Sekiro is already miles ahead, but I can understand that it therefore feels less like a Souls game and that not everyone will like that. I can understand and respect that. DarkSouls 1, as well as 2 and maybe even 3, have a couple of features that I greatly appreciate and that partly even surpass Sekiro in my otherwise overly critical eyes. Dark Souls 1 has the best and most memorable map in my opinion. Dark Souls 2 has incredible DLCs, especially Frozen Eleum Loyce was awesome and beautiful, with the minor exception of that retarded snow zebra area and how you would respawn *before* the loading screen to get there again instead of after. I also liked the Pursuers concept a lot, as well as the idea of despawning mobs if you killed them often enough. I dont remember much about DS3, it was okay as far as Im concerned but I enjoyed it the least out of the three, probably because of burnout as I had played through all three (blind) in a row. Im mentioning all of this because I want to clarify that in my eyes Sekiro is not THE TIMELESS MASTERPIECE NOBODY WILL EVER SURPASS that Darksouls 1 is often celebrated as. But in many ways it is headed in a direction that makes more sense to me than “if you are not enjoying it then you are doing it wrong and you should maybe think for once”. (Not that Sekiro streamers werent told exactly that just the same) Let me tell you, there were many instances in Sekiro where I also didnt think, didnt consider every possible option the game had given me, honestly Im pretty sure I sucked most of the time, in the eyes of your usual GITGUD-Bro. But I struggled, I improved, I succeded, and I had a way better time during it all, even though I did the same shit in the Souls games as well. Just without falling off edges in waist-high water every 10 minutes, or being invaded by some bowing edgelord, or losing 50% of my max hp as punishment for dying to the wrong enemy. There is this myth going around online that Dark Souls might be a harsh mistress, but at least a fair one. The one spreading that rumour must have been the Bed of Chaos herself, because that is nothing but horseshit. Sekiro isnt exactly fair all the time either, there are many moments in the game that feel all too familiar in their GOTCHA nature. Like how the game conveniently places the key to one of the hardest areas of the early game in your path so you go check it out just to get crucified there by Lady Butterfly and a special drunkard, just for you to learn after finally breaking both of them that you would have had a way easier time if you had simply ignored that area and soldiered on on your original path. Sure, one could have simply abandoned that area and returned later, but how many of you did? I sure didnt. The game likes to oneshot-kill you if you fail to dodge the wrong attack, be it a giant carp, a giant snake, or a giant TERROR man. Even worse, in Sekiro you cant even get your souls back! You die, you lose 50%. ALso 50% of your cash. Suck it. Im not particularly happy about that myself and Im not sure what the motivation behind that design decision was, but you take the good with the bad, right? Another thing that Sekiro does that I dont understand is how the game has you collect loot. Every time you kill an enemy you need to hold a button to collect. You can kill several in an area and then grab everything at once if they arent too far apart, but at the end of the day it eludes me why From Software didnt simply go for autocollecting instead. It’s not a big deal (even though I would forget about picking up loot every now and then) but at the same time it isnt adding any enjoyment to the game either, no matter how hard I try and emphasize with whatever a gamer who likes this might possibly think. It is not hard, its is not really relevant,  and I cant think of a single advantage it has over autocollecting. Maybe holding that button is supposed to feel rewarding? I consider it meaningless at best and tedious busywork at worst. At the same time the game introduces a stealth system that actually means something, while at the same time keeping it both well integrated as well as completely optional. Im truly impressed by how that is even possible. I also like the immortality mechanic, that results in you only truly dying if you go down twice, and even refreshes that revive if you kill enough enemies inbetween deaths. It doesnt help that much, as it doesnt refill your estus fl.... healing gourds, but it allows for a little bit more practice against tough enemies before you die, a little bit more lenience while exploring in an area where it is easy to fall, a little bit more standing power in a world where a giant carp can simply eat you. I appreciate it and it is far from making the game anything close to easy. Its more like an extra gourding flask. I could keep going and praise this (surprisingly satisfying enemy style and variety given the setting) or criticize that (less replayability because of fewer possible weapons and builds), but at the end of the day my opinion is crystalclear - Sekiro is stunningly beautiful, very enjoyable, hard as fuck, and while I have heard people say that “it is not a true soulslike”, I have to shrug and agree. It is better.

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 2 - Valiant

- ik for a fact that this one is the episode with the asshhoole. not bc i recognised it from the title but perhaps it was because i recognised it from the title u got me there

- i always go to mr clean too when i want protection, val, ur not alone

- yeah, this is harry potter l ma o

- the next thing u know theres a stone that makes arthur live forever and the snakes start joining into one and growing bigger until a phoenix (im dibbing on kilgie here), pops their corneas out

- DAMN DON'T KILL UR DEALER WHERE U GONNA GET THE NEW SHIT FROM NEXT TIME SMH VALIANT

- okay but who names their son valiant

- he was probably named valerie and didnt like it so he said “woah imma be valiant like courage, thats sick”

- that was probably his superhero persona as a child ngl

- no, shev, no respect for val stop doing this

- merlin in armour, what a fucking bLESiSNG GIVING ME THIS RIGHT ON THE SPOT BBC KNOWS WHATS GOOD

- ok a y but hear me out, merlins a servant. i have not seen any of these servants been asked to train with the royals??? like in the sense where it helps the servant train as well?? and the FIRST thing arthur does with merlin as his servant is train with him. not only is arthur a huge JOCK, he’s not using his manservant properly

- neverfuckingmind “most servants collapse after the first blow”, so it seems to be arthur likes to train with his servants. now that in itself is a question to be asked, but is he the only royal who trains with his servants??? how did this man survive on his own without a personal servant until merlin??? did he have a personal servant??? was it just regular servants?? who are those other servants he trained with??? did arthur just say hey lets go to the field in the morning, put on armour and let’s have a fun time?? UNLESS merlin literally just took someones job away from them kmao

- also my mind went right to the gutter guys, ngl, it sounded like an innuendo. it had me quaking i wish i was one of those servants

- “we all have our duties, even arthur” “it must be so tough for him, all the *hesitates* girl, all the glory”

- so we probably get at least 1 out of every 2 episodes where there’s a scene with merlin dressing arthur in his armour. bring the popcorn, lads.

- MORGANA LOOKING LIKE A FRICKEN SNACK

- the reigning champion is arthur, wonder fucking w h y

- valiant is in fucking mustard, while arthur is fucking ketchup idk why i thought of that but it happened. my literature teacher always told me to look for symbolisms. guess we found one guys.

- merlin after hating on arthur for the past episode is literally just cheering arthur on like a good husband he is

- did ARTHUR JUST SNICKER AT MERLINS “CREEP” LMAO DON'T TRY AND HIDE IT BY HUFFING AT HIM AFTERWARDS YOU FUCKING GOOF

- omg he hid it by telling merlin to do a full novel of chores

- AND MERLIN DOES IT WITH MAGIC A PAIR OF GOOFS

-  “are you using magic again” “no” merlin ffs he just saw you use magic, while the items fell and landed right in front of him while you didn’t move at aLL. they are nOT BLIND

- “very aggressive style” I MEAN SURE UTHER

- valerie be fuckboying morgana lmao with a “i saw you watching” and a, “then i will give everything to win the tournament”

- i wish this show was set in the early 2000s so i can see val in low sweatpants, a backwards cap with gelled spiky hair and cheap neon sunglasses (maybe even some gold teeth just for kicks), while hes trying to rap 50 cents or make a mixtape of brit pop songs. bc yes.

- honestly im loving my 2000 fuckboy au. gonna make an ao3 after this.

- of course merlin would be the one to find out the magic shit in valiants room, it just lures him. AND OF COURSE VALIANT IS THERE

- i'm so fucking glad arthur looks confused as to how merlin did what he asked. when u have this kind of hubby, arthur, its amazing what things he can do.

- i dont know why theres dramatic music as merlin put armour on arthur but im living for it

- “is it my imagination or are you beginning to enjoy yourself?” merlin doesn't know what to say to that bc he’s turning gay and doesn't know if that counts as enjoying oneself when the one you are gay for is the asshole prince

- typically enough, valiant and arthur never fight except for the finale. like with all conveniences in place, youd expect them to have at least fought at some point with as much knights as there to determine the final two but no, just the finale. k.

- this poor fucking purple knighted bloke didn’t need to be fucking demonstrated on, val. like you didn't need to kill him?? that could have blown ur cover

- DID NOBODY SEE THAT??? DID NOBODY SEE THE FUCKING SNAKES???

- oooh merlin found out what happened everyone gonna be fucked. nobody harms arthur is he has something to say about it

- if someone starts off a sentence with “i just saw someones snakes on their shield come alive” nobody would fucking believe you, merls. but given the fact that magic exist… mhh maybe it wouldn’t be too absurd. but ppl apparently are thick as hell

- “why were you in his chambers” well i know how id explain if i was in valiants chambers ;)

- jk i dont fall for this toxic shit

- imagine getting paid as an actor just just lie down there like this poisoned kid. “yeah, id like to audition for ewan’s role???” “why are you lying on the ground?”

- i hate those tropes where it's like “i know how to tell someones bad, here’s proof” and then nobody believes you and tells you you’re lying and should die or whatever but then you kNOW IT'S THE FUCKIN TRUTH BITCH that trope gives me damn anxiety >:((

- yes merlin, fucking slash the shield with your sword. i'm sure that's how it works. im sure it will kill the snakes.

- HOWA RE THE SNAKES ALIVE WITHOUT VAL SAYING “ISHNAHASHAHI”

- i think val would know that you cut off the snake’s head, merls, just saying. ur were the oNLY ONE.

- TELL ARTHUR WHAT??? “I CUT A SNAKE”

- EXACLTY ONG THAT'S WHAT MERLIN FUCKING SAID I WAS RIGHT LMAO

- ARTHUR BELEIVED HIM I'M FUCKING LIVING BUT IK WHAT HAPPENS AND AHH

- uhhh the anxiety is rolling up boys

- ewan is mcfuckingdead

- snake be sliding in like a hoe on a business

- bfehfjdjfskf i hate this part

- arthur's pride, merlin’s pride, fuck me

- i'm not even gonna write this part, it breaks my fragile heart when arthur sees the look of people not believing him, especially his dad, and merlin seeing how arthur doesn't trust him anymore like prepare the eulogies girlies

- okay but if arthur is struck and gaius has the antidote?? arthur aint gonna die technically

- but now val knows merlin knows

- AND MERLIN INTERVENES

- why are royals so bitchy towards servants. like they do their best to help you??? they are loyal to you and are paid there to serve you and are often very kind, generous, passive, understanding people??? yet merlin interrupts uther and he fucking sends him to the pit

- VAL YOU ASS LMAO DON'T HURT MY SON’S PRIDE

- he said allegations like four times, yes uther we know ur vocab is shining with intellect but seriously, there’s other synonyms that could still be acceptable and still sound fancy

- quick search on google bc my mind doesnt roll fast enough: claim, assertion, charge, accusation, declaration, statement, contention, deposition, argument, affirmation. see daddy uther, not hard to look up.

- forget they didnt have internet whoopsies

- :((( arthur doesn't trust merlin anymore

- the husbands FIGHT

- not just a banter petty fight, this is a huge fight

- SACKING MERLIN DON'T FUCKING SACK MERLIN YOU GOOF

- TRUST UR HUBBY

- FUCK

- I'M GONNA CRY AND IT'S ONLY EPISODE TWO

- I'M HAVING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS CONCERNING MY TWO BOYS

- GUYS IM NOT OKAy

- its been 2 minutes after i wrote that last sentence, and i am now okay

- “a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole” iconic as hell. so many things could be said about that quote. either for innuendo purposes, love purposes, destiny purposes, how long it took me to say it right, just so many purposes man. it’s just iconic.

- merlin looks absolutely done with kilgaharama’s shit

- “just give me a straight answer” seems like kilgarass here is being too gay for merlin

- gwen already knows merlin’s the heroin of the series, saying everyone knows it's merlin who will save the day. but same tbh

- i dunno if this is like me or not but it says her nickname is gwyn in the subtitles but im typing it as gwen which i thought was how u wrote it, even if her full name is gwynevere but like gwen has a ring to it while gwyn sounds like gwin or smth and i dunno which one is right so ill just leave it alone ahjsjfk

- MORGANA HAS VISIONS WE ALREADY KNOW WHERE THIS GOES SHES MAGIC ISNT SHE HAHAHAHAUHD

- merlin trying one last time to convince his husband not to die, but at least this time arthur knows he’s up for val’s magic and is like “k iloveyou but i have to do this for the country not just bc of pride and thinking val is not magic”

- staring into the fire like he’s hoping it would suck him up into the void, not only is merlin a now confirmed emo, so is fucking arthur it seems. perfect for one another i'm telling you

- eerie music as morgana enters… wha suddenly i can't read

- i thought at first morgana and arthur were gonna end up together cause of the fucking weird tension going on and i was prepared to be disfuckinggusted but no! the show and producers actually put my expectations away and helped me see that it wasn’t going in that direction! thank fucking god! 

- k but arthur looks majestic in his gear im just a huge bi

- “don’t go into my room” he says then gaius peaks in and almost gets mauled by a large chihuahua

- me too val, id step on someone's toes then fuck them up with an undercut. thats the bad bitch way to go. unless it for arthur, then val hahaha you can go fuck yourself

- no one sees mErLin??

- but they now see the snakes smh fakes

- “what are you doing? i didn't summon you” i don't think that will work val cause you didn't say it with a serpent tongue, it has to sound more like “shhashhwhat ahhssare hiisssyou iisshhaadoing?”

- okay but i thought arthur was impaled for a half second until he started to talk then i screamed that he was aight and he would now believe merlin

- uther better give merlin an apology

- arthur just said he wouldnt

- but still uther BETTER APOLOGISE TO FUCKING MERLIN

- “yknow i wish valiant was escorting me” “me too” i thought for a fricken moment arthur wished valiant would have escorted HIM. i'm dying.OMG

- “i wanted to say i made a mistake. it was unfair to sack you.” “don’t worry about it. buy me a drink and we’ll call it even.” DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU JUST SAID MERLIN YOU SLY DOG OMG

- “i can’t really be seen to be buying drinks for my servant.” so if he wasn’t ur servant?? you’d say yes?? they are so fucking gay i can't anymore

- yeah, i literally fucking can't

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[contactlense]

wanna read something absolutely batshit insane?

???

each time i look at my reflection im not quite sure who’s staring back

now i carry all these ghosts but i dont think i’ve ever known

each time i close my eyes i think maybe i’ll be different when i wake

but every day’s the same

they go just as they came; as if no time has passed at all

it’s as if i’m waiting for an apparition of

someone i haven’t met yet

will i ever get that?

i want to run away,

ditch the phones, ditch the games

but something like fear of missing out

keeps me here, exactly the same

i’ve got a lot to lose. or so i thought.

(people to disappoint, people who love me a lot. )

whats the point of all that love when i don’t know who i am?

that stranger in the mirror needs to grow/ into someone that i can understand.

im not sure how i can do it/ when im afraid to let go

money to spend, money to waste,/ jumping around from place to place

its not my shit to jerk around, /just use it wise and settle down

finish what you started before you run again

finish what you started and maybe you’ll find you can/ finally get to know

that stranger in the mirror

maybe you’ll have to stay here for now

maybe you’ll actually figure out how /to stop romanticizing the lives you’ll never live

or maybe, just maybe, you’ll get it

i want to leave

for something uncomplicated

i dont think ill make it

things stay complicated

you’re kidding yourself

life isnt that simple

life isn’t the story you think you can write

do you want to live inside your stories?

do you really want that life?

the thing about being alone is theres no pretence to uphold

nobody to lie to

but your own reflection in the mirror

if you can even see it

im not alone

but sometimes i wish i was

so every time that i fuck up theres no one else to clean it up

no more guilt

but thats not something i can just make up

maybe the pain would be easier if my life was actually tragic

something real to cry about instead of the thoughts inside my head

only you can change yourself but not enough

not enough to get it

with all the people tying you down

its not enough room to grow, to really grow

but loosening those ties would mean i’d have to make it on my own

i need my medication. thats the part that fucks me up. if i leave i wont be stable, i wont be able to get by.

i get so dramatic when im sad, but am i telling the truth?

is this how i really feel?

when im lying by myself in bed it seems like the biggest truth

but morning comes and the alarm goes off

and i think how silly, how dumb, how crude

unrealistic, privileged thoughts

maybe i’d be better off

going to sleep at 8:30.

this isnt a new feeling. year after year i have the same thought. if i could just run away from here, maybe i’ll find what i want.

“here,” where is “here”? i’ve been so many places and i always want to go. and so i leave but where i land is not where i want to go.

its where i think i should be, to please the people who keep me on my feet

unrealistic, privileged thoughts.

if one of them was gone you’d regret everything you ever wrote. you’d beg god to bring them back but no one’s listening, and you know

that all the things you think you want

would kill you just the same

as the life you think that you resent

so maybe all you’ll ever feel is pain.

sick. twisted. ridiculous. privileged thoughts.

just because others have it worse doesnt mean that your feelings mean any less

but how the fuck can you say you’re unhappy when you know you’d feel worse if you were them

since i feel this type of pain maybe giving it all up is what i deserve

if i’ll be unhappy anyways, why not give me a real reason? i need a real reason. it doesnt make sense. i feel alone, but not in the way that i want. i want peace of mind.

the only way i think i’ll get it is if i move to the countryside

only do the work to get the money that i need to survive.

otherwise i’ll tend to plants, read a book, count the ants

count the stars

and hope a new life will find me here

without ties to who i was

just being who i am

i am who i am from moment to moment

i dont think im ever the same

when i started writing i felt i had a different name

a different face

there is no future

there is no past

if one day at a time is all we’ve got

i’ll erase it all, close my eyes, and hope that when i wake up it’ll look a different way

i should send this to my therapist. theres a lot to unpack. but i think i laid it all out, rearranged it, and put it back together, the same way i always do. i get upset. i get angry. i reframe it. and it feels empty. an empty promise of tomorrow. there’s nothing to be upset about. just finish all you started. the same cycle every time.

cycle. im about to get my period.

if none of this is how i really feel, then why does it happen Every. Single. Time. ????

the same thoughts. the Same Shit. it must be true. i think im deluding myself every time i get through it because it’s the only thing i know how to do. the only thing i think i should do. lay it out, reframe it, pack it all back up for the next time it explodes.

im fine. im alive. but am i? doesn’t feel like it.

every time i take a breath i feel like i have to document it. i have to write it all down. if i have nothing to show for it, did any of it really happen? in 100 years someone may find this and know that something happened here. someone felt something.

when i write things down i feel like im not alone. there are no people around, how i like it, but at least i am known. i want to be known. in anonymity. i want to be known when it’s all over. that’s all. but we’re all marks that get worn away by time. we sink into the ground and make way for new things, new life. nothing is permanent, except it feels like it is when you’ve only got so much time. it feels like the clock is running out when i haven’t even been here long. how do i have all these thoughts when i haven’t even been here that long??? things move too fast for me. i need everything to slow down. to experience a year for the length of a year. all 525,600 minutes of it. instead of being worried about whats coming next. it feels like a bunch of cars are speeding at me and i have to get out of the way. i just want to get out of the way but there’s nowhere to go but between the cars or under them. it feels like they’re just narrowly missing me. my heart beating fast, thinking “that was close,” over and over. i’m tired of it. i’m tired of mental and emotional labor. i’m so tired of it i think about defaulting to physical labor. moving things around from place to place for a living. helping life move along for a living. not bringing new things into it that no one needs or wants. nothing to complicate anything further. less thinking. more doing. having something to show for your labor instead of an obscenely long note in your phone and dried tears on your pillow and a C+ on a computer screen.

sometimes i think maybe i should fuck it up on purpose. make them kick me out. show my parents i actually couldnt do it. that i wasted time and money. make them cut me off financially and fend for myself. then it wouldnt feel like quitting or running. it would feel like this is how my life is now. this is what i have to do or i’ll drown.

life is really forced upon you. i did not ask for this. i did NOT ask for this. i feel like i cant control anything.

i feel like im lying all the time. lying to everyone around me and to myself.