#nobody understands them like i do. except you but that doesnt count

[codecicle-archive]

i am still going so insane over the Guys man AUGH

Hi soup!! :) Random question but:

Do you ever think about how deeply they cared about each other? Wilbur knew everyone else there exclusively while he was infected, and yet he put nothing but trust in them during a life or death scenario. During his final moments, Charlie showed him unwavering kindness by listening to his rant and sparing him the pain of transformation by snapping his neck. Had Wilbur ever experienced something that genuinely caring and sweet before? If the apocalypse forced pure violence to become the greatest show of love you could give to someone, how do you think Wilbur felt when these abnormal strangers his life had happened to cross paths with went out of their way to search for him when he was lost, to kill for him when he was in danger, and ultimately to sacrifice their own safety and stability to preserve his? Do you think he felt guilt despite it all? He was infected after all, nothing but a liability, constantly endangering the team because he couldn't admit to himself that it was over; that he was a danger instead of something (something. not someone. at that point he could at least admit to himself that he wasn't human, whether that be because he was infected or because no human in any definition of the word would be as selfish and cruel as he was from not telling them) that could help. Do you think he was smiling as he faked his death? Do you think he honestly thought the zombies would kill him and he would finally do something useful for them? Or do you think he knew deep down he would survive the zombie encounter and he was only hoping the zombies would fuck him up bad enough that when the time came he inevitably killed his friends, they didn't recognize the face taking all their hopes and dreams out from underneath them because of one "tiny little scratch" and their misplaced trust.

Do you ever think about Tommy? Do you think about how he had seemingly finally found a family, and how he looked away from his older brother figure for half a second to try and be useful by keeping morale up, only to walk back into the room with the man he trusted the most holding Wilburs dead body and grieving? Do you think he resented Charlie in that moment? Or did he just hate himself? None of this would have happened if he had just been there a couple seconds sooner after all, maybe he could have done something. Do you think about him having to walk up to what he thought was Wilburs corpse and not have the time to say his goodbyes? The zombies were coming, and all he could hear outside of Charlie's shaky disassociated voice was the deafening sound of zombies slowly getting louder. Do you think about him holding Wilbur as gently as he could, knowing carrying his body to be devoured would be the last moments he could get to grieve him before being forced to run again, abandoning the man he loved like a brother for what felt like the millionth time since knowing him. Do you think about the way his jokes got scarcer since Wilbur was gone? How he stopped being as funny for the rest of the time they were in that base? Do you think it was because he couldn't bring himself to find humor in such a dark scenario, or do you think it was because he knew deep down he didn't have a real reason to try and keep himself and the group alive anymore. His reason to keep going was devoured by the zombies and time stopped, why should he care anymore? Do you think he froze when Wilbur hopped out of the trunk? Do you think he mirrored the same smile his brother died with when he was devoured? Was it because the torment was finally over? Or was it because deep down all he wanted was to be with him again, even in death?

What about Phil? He looked at Wilbur the way the proudest and most fearful dad would look at his extraordinary son. But unlike the others, Phil grieved Wilbur long before he was ever even gone. As soon as he saw the bite and the way Wilburs life was slowly leaving his eyes he knew that it was over. Phil ran gauntlets, running inbetween zombies in camouflage to open door after door, opportunity after opportunity, just to keep his family alive. All he wanted the whole time was to keep everyone else alive, and set them up to thrive after he was gone. Do you think Phil knew he was going to die the whole time? He was the slowest of the group, he was the weakest, he didn't have any special gifts or abilities, and he couldn't fend for himself as well as he could fend for others. Do you think he was so serious the whole time because he wanted to spend the last moments with his son, and because he knew he wouldn't have another chance to be of use? He wasn't surviving for himself, he was surviving to keep everyone else alive. Do you think if they ever actually succeeded in escaping, that he would be the one to take night watch every time? That he would be the one to give up his food rations so others wouldn't go hungry? That he would sacrifice every part of himself before he stole the chance at life from someone that he thought deserved it better? Do you think when he finally got the chance to keep everyone else alive through fighting off the hoard by himself, he went down through tears? Or do you think he matched the other members of his family and fought them head on with nothing but a spiked golf club, his pride, and a smile to match his two sons?

What about Ranboo? Do you ever think about them? Do you think about the way they seemed to be the only person truly in reality the whole time? They were the only one refusing to do the bits, to tag along with the jokes, yet they were also the only person to kill the zombies, or hold any weapons. Do you ever think about how he had the most sincerely human reaction to all of this? Maybe the reason he refused to kill the zombies was because they so closely resembled himself, and they couldn't bring themself to kill something that looked so much like a real person. He knew they weren't alive, he knew he was constantly in danger, yet they looked into the zombies eyes and saw the blank void staring back at him and chose pity and kindness above all. Do you think when they said everyone around them was insane they really meant it? He seemed strangely grounded in reality at all times, while everyone else disassociated to get themselves through the killing, and the way blood splattered on everyone's clothes dragging the physical remains of their deepest regrets along with them to their deaths. Do you think they put the gun down, finally feeling safe in that Uber knowing no zombie would be able to catch them? Do you think he was glad he never had to actually use it? Were they happy they could keep their humanity as they escaped? Do you think he hoped for a better life after it all? Do you think he looked into Wilburs eyes as he was devoring Tommy, his brother that Wilbur cared for so so much, and they still couldn't bring themselves to pull the trigger? Do you think in their attempt to keep their humanity, he indirectly robbed everyone he cared about of theirs?

And Charlie. Ohhhh Charlie. Do you ever think about how hard he fought? He knew how to create makeshift weapons, he knew parkour, he knew how to fight and shoot and fend for himself, and yet he didn't survive despite all of it. Do you ever think about how he trusted and loved Wilbur so deeply, yet he was forced to lay down with his arms around him as he started spouting nonsense? Do you think Charlie could think straight as Wilbur slid down and indirectly begged him for mercy? Maybe Charlie wasn't as kind as he once thought, because as he held Wilbur in his arms he slowly realized the only real way out of this nightmare would be without him. Do you ever think about how much Charlie loved him? How he stared at him the whole time, looking with widened and obviously trusting eyes, how he grabbed Wilburs arm and looked at the bite as soon as he noticed something was wrong? Do you ever think about how deeply he must have loved both him and everyone else in the group, and how he had to swallow down his humanity for a moment to gift Wilbur the last of his? Do you think about how he hesitated? He had his head in his arms, Wilbur was very obviously letting it happen, and yet he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe from his selfishness, and how he couldn't bring himself to kill his closest friend. Or maybe from his selflessness, and him digesting the fact that after this he would be a villain to the rest of the group. None of them knew how far Wilbur was gone, only Charlie noticed, maybe they would walk in on his grief and see nothing but a murderer? Do you think about how despite everything Charlie spared Wilbur from his pain and killed him anyway, helping him the only way he knew how during Wilbur's greatest time of need. Do you think Charlie stayed behind that gate willingly, knowing he wouldn't be able to live with himself after they escaped? Do you think Charlie died thinking he was useful, or he wasn't useful enough. Do you think he truly believed the others would resent him, or do you think he just resented himself with every life he stole. Do you ever think about how Charlie died thinking he saved their lives, not knowing his grief personified would be waiting for the rest of them to undo everything Charlie tried to do during his life? Do you think Charlie died with a smile not because he was happy that his last moments were spent truly believing because of his sacrifice his friends would live, but because he knew he wouldn't have to live with any of the guilt anymore?

idk though :)

[girlshambogames]

i was gonna sleep but no i cant stop agonizing over how jumper's deep attachment and loyalty to her teammates makes complete sense when you consider everything she did and experienced in s5— especially in regards to vitalasy and the abyss. and how her wanting to be completely uninvolved in the conflicts of the server this season is also connected to this.

bc like okay so jumper is obviously incredibly attached to ro and rek. she has made it abundantly clear that they are her priority. they are the only people who matter to her at the end of the day; the people she will do anything for on the server. there is nobody in the server she would choose over them. no matter what rek does in his own time, or how inactive ro is, jumper ALWAYS considers both of them and has them in mind w everything she does.

which i find interesting bc at this point, rek almost exclusively refers to jumper and her alone as his teammate when his team is brought up simply bc ro is never here. they havent seen each other in months and i can count the amt of times rek and ro have been on the server together on one hand, so obviously rek doesnt seem to feel that same attachment to ro that jumper does.

which is very understandable but very interesting in how it contrasts to the way jumper seems to almost cling to that day 1 team up she had w ro. how she continues to include him in everything, and does her best to ensure he will be well taken care of should he choose to login at any point while shes offline.

and i...cannot help but feel that a very big part of jumpers fierce loyalty is her experience w vi. of him being gone. of her choice to not be alone, while he was gone. and her losing him in the end. like ro's absence almost feels like salt in the wound, but it also feels like its her getting a second chance to choose the other option— to wait for ro, to be loyal to him and rek, and to choose them and to continue to choose them no matter what happens.

which brings me to jumper's refusal to involve herself in conflict unless she NEEDS to be involved. i think her refusal to be loyal to anyone except ro and rek ties into this, actually!!! although part of her neutrality may be self interest, i dont actually agree w derap in saying its entirely out of pure selfishness. bc i actually think a large part of it is jumper continuing to choose ro and rek, and refusing to even consider putting herself into a position where she could ever be prioritizing anyone who isnt them. ally or enemy alike.

bc like yes. she is allies w minute. she considers (considered? idk anymore since chief tried to kill her LOL) the empire her allies, and once expressed that she would happily help them kill people and assist them w their schemes when it is requested of her, but i feel like that is as far as she is willing to toe the line of involving herself in conflict and any sort of loyalty to anyone who isnt her team bc shes already played that game before.

rek is always doing his own thing and ro is IA, but this time around jumper isnt looking for anyone else, another connection, or anybody to fight w. shes building a base for her team, supporting reks projects even if she doesnt understand, and she is waiting for ro. there was nothing she couldve done to ever not lose vi; he was always going to part ways w her no matter what decision she made, but she was never able to fully heal or come to terms w losing him in the way she did and mourn all of the time they never had so this time she is making the decision to hold onto rek and ro as tightly as she can, and to cherish every moment she is able to have them as long as she can in the hopes that she will never have to lose them like she lost vi. that she can have the memories w them that she was never able to have w vi.

[laststandx3]

I'll be bitter for a minute and say it: i think the terror for how good it is, is also very partial on crozier on being #1 mister only good colonizer in the arctic, and i sort of hate it because the change happens only because he sobers up. and sure alchool makes people cruel, but sobering up doesnt make them perfect. he went from let silna be left on the ship without protection/kick her out for the tuunbaq if she doesnt help us/ rip the guy that died to get me a bottle of whisky, anywayy to peace and love on planet earth lets us all take this walk together while i share words of wisdom and love with this other colonizer who's also very sorry he didn't do anything good with his life. Crozier started the journey at least as a heavy day-drinker and i understand how that's different from heavy alcholism but at the same time i can't imagine all of crozier's faults being the consequences of whisky alone. and having him overcoming his alcholism and wising up immediately after being clean for a few weeks is FOR ME a terrible writing choice that paints him as being naturally good and his 'bad' behaviors coming ONLY from the alchool. yes he sees blanky getting hurt and that's starts his sobering up path. but that's not enough for me. the people (other characters state aloud for the audience) he loves more than god loves them are dying left and right. and i really dont care if corzier cares about the crew or not but if he cared he should have cared about them even when he was drunk and not remembring about their wellbeing AFTER he got clean. i'm not saying you cant enjoy crozier. i just believe his character development isnt earned and that he got it only because he's the designed good character that canonically survives in the book. i dont think that him shitting himself for a few weeks while sobering up can count as having the emotional development to go from one extreme to the other. especially because everyone else is also there sufferring physically and psychologically even more than him due to the fact that their all stranded in the arctic and dying of scurvy and no one else in the crew could have the time off work, privacy and attentions to heal. crozier being the 2nd on command and then captain used his power to become a drunk and later to clean up. and i just dont believe that a man who abused his position like that from the beginning just becuase he was pissed he couldnt marry the woman he wanted suddently stops abusing his position because he's now clean and pure. TO ME it's a bad writing choice that is also force-fed to the audience with the line 'more than god loves them' so that you get it for sure that he's the good guy who cares about people not like those others evil characters who would do anything to survive like killing innocents and being racist (the good guys could never. except they canonically did- but wait, not in THIS continent so it doesnt matter) and eating people (which is a sign of being naturally evil, no matter the circumstances) or following a religion in a desperate last chance of survival (again no one on the good guys side would put religion above good sense and the safety of fellow human beings. in this continent?? maybe? ugh)

in summary i think the main flaw i find in the terror is how much it still tries to draw a line between good and evil. instead of just trying to portray the human disperation for their mortal condition. how much having to come face to face with tuunbaq must destroy all of those men convinctions on what life/afterlife are (for what i remember it just addresses it for tozer AND in the SCRIPT) nobody else gets a life shuttering experience. it's either the devil, then good christians should be safe, or it's a different religion, then what?? what do you do when your life looses its meaning? and the answer for most of the charactes was 🤷‍♀️guess we'll think about it after this awesome party we're about to throw. i dont want this to be about religion, but these men are wrecked in every way, there's nobody to save them and everyday they're a little more in pain than the one before. there shouldnt be a camp of the good men lead by the strong and wise one who take care of their sick and lets the dying die peacefully with morphin. while in the bad guys camp they eat people and have evil laugh competitions and kill their sick with knifes bc giving them poison might make them unedible. and specifically those evil guys where also the reason why the expedition happened to hurt the locals, the good guys have nothing to do with it.

i dont think there's nothing wrong (narratively) in doing anything to survive. even if it's something cruel, because those men are at the end of the world alone, it's at least realistic that they'll try everything to avoid death. crozier(and jfj even if offscreen) gets to be cruel at the beginning of the story but by middle point they're shown to be sad (about unrelated things) and spend the last few episodes being kind and brave (and forgiven by the narrative) while their chance at character development is uniquelly given by their ranks. in the meantime the consequences of those cruelness (only hickey, because we dont get to see survivors of jfj trip to China, if he left any) dont get the chance to heal and change because hickey's position of subordiante never allows him to be really safe, and because his torture was public, automatically making every witness taking the side of the perpetrator. hickey's never given weeks off work to recover because he got lashed because of his own actions. hickey doesnt get words of wisdom from a companion because in his mind everyone agreed with crozier in him deserving the lashes, (except maybe tozer? but even that isnt that clear cut) hickey, manson and hartnell also magiaclly heal from the lashes after a few weeks (even when ANYOTHER character cant heal because of scurvy) so the narrative can't held crozier accountable for the pain he caused.

the good guys and the bad guys' actions are treated differently by the show. even when the good guys actions should have consequences and the bad guys' shouldnt. the narrative has already decided which sins will be forgiven and which will be punished. and it's a bit annoying to me because for how wonderful the terror is, i cant help but feel like i'm being spoonfed a narrative about morality when at its core the story is about humanity.

[pwblogarchive]

May 2007

May 4, 2007

ryan ross lives in my house right now.

had a falling out with myself.

we just dont speak so much anymore.

theres nobody carrying weight.

nobody with hART and sole.

im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.

i day dream at night.

i call em all in the air.

sometimes i get it right.

the things i keep inside are worth double the ones anyone knows about.

almost caught a break, but im pretty sure it was a bad throw.

youre always getting caught, so am i.

i guess we are into the same kind of things.

posted by xo at 7:35 PM

May 6, 2007

i like blowing out other peoples birthday candles and stealing their wishes.

days inn- kind of has a different meaning when its days INside my head.

shut my eyes to keep the world out.

who have you become vs. who you are supposed to be.

been shittalking so much with people who are asleep on the inside.

their veins are pumping blood but their hearts just arent in it.

they blow over legal limits and their organs have put in their two weeks notice.

sometimes i write to keep the world out.

but most of the time i write to keep my world inside.

you have no idea what i do while you sleep.

im having a 2/3rd life crisis.

i got boring.

somewhere along the way.

where the wild things are turned into where the wilde things are.

i have played russian roulette exactly once in my life.

it was the single worst thing i have ever done in my life.

it doesnt matter what the proportions are on the girl to my direct right.

or the way her heart flutters faster than a hummingbird.

just the way she looks at me sometimes.

everything about me hangs on that....

on another note, sometimes the best nights all rest on winds and conversations you have in them.

thanks.

posted by xo at 6:31 PM

May 10, 2007

“fucking nuts.”

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 12, 2007

"i can hardly stand living but im afraid to die"

semisweet shadows lit in backrooms

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

posted by xo at 11:19 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

fucking nuts.

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 13, 2007

“ground control to major tom…”

i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.

or when i dont smile.

like they want it to impact but be forgotten.

im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.

how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.

chaos in a wink of the eye.

and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.

what if i said its all in reverse-

iamalonewhentheyflyyououtofmylifelikeamothinforcedflightawayfromthelight.

the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.

a thumb and two fingers in.

i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.

put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.

let me change someones day.

posted by xo at 11:17 PM

May 17, 2007

“and”

if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp.

posted by xo at 12:20 AM

May 17, 2007

“semisweet shadows lit in backrooms”

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

god been thinking. its been awhile since ive done that.

except for "here and there"s

sick of all the speculation.

this means that, that means this.

this is really the only place i can speak to anyone without people in glass towers watching me.

commenting.

so thank you for that.

id do anything to keep this going forever.

even in my head when i wanted to be blown off this fucking planet i still hoped that little blue record kept spinning in your room.

the reason you havent seen a video of fall out boy on fuse is because of corporate litigation.

the same reasons for half of what makes this all feel like its falling apart.

we only did cribs because we thought it was funny. hopefully you are in on the joke. we rented fake cars, like ferraris and just goofed around the whole time.

didnt even know how to open the doors.

not sure if our sense of humor is gonna come across or whether it will be mtvified.

my best friend is a dog.

sometimes i miss being down all the time like it was a close friend that moved away.

but sometimes the inside of my head and my heart and my stomach all meet up into this wretched combination.

i just want to let myself be happy.

id give anything to not give up on this.

take care. sleep safe. i will write more when it comes to me.

May 20, 2007

i actually know someone whos middle name is danger

a cayahoga falling out. class four class five. id still take em. letters all over printed on every piece of luggage ever. you think you found gold every single time. she is the call just before the street lights go out. she is the minute before the alarm goes off. slurring and purring just like and engine or a cat after hes had a fifth. sometimes i hope i dont wake up, sometimes im scared that i wont. its funny how that scale works. its like our lady of justice peeking under the blindfold. if i could keep you still long enough id slip a rope around your finger or maybe even a silver band. detox to retox. hope and hype are just a letter off. sometimes, i try and forget that.

posted by xo at 12:03 PM

May 24, 2007

10 years at sea for one day on shore.

"And I can deal with some psychic pain

If it'll slow down my higher brain

Veins full of disappearing ink

Vomiting in your kitchen sink"

i can kind of see this thing going a couple of different ways. the screen pressed close against the side of my face. ear to the speaker cause i have smashed all the others that project the songs inside this stupid box. my face this close to the keys, taunting me. "i can do whatever i want"s, "i can eat my dinner in a fancy restraunt"s. there is no semblance of meaning. ice cold blue lips, vocal chords and toungue in the back of my head with everything i wish i could say. the tip of the iceberg of a credit check on the emotionally bankrupt. curse phone service or rejoice in it depending on which end of the line we are on. looking for the last life jacket on this sinking ship called life. throw your "overdramatic"s out the window. throw your "old you"s in your fucking face. i get it it. i got it. i gut it. the sun sets and rises on the same old mood. the world has become a dangerous place to me- in my head and outside of it. cant seem to shake it. all roads lead back nowhere. the wilderness of the inside of your brain- which seems to drive your body whenever your heart or crotch is not at the helm. i feel like a slow motion replay of a crash that never happened. wanted to be an anthem not an away message. most of the time dont want to be anything at all. when you are alone is when you audit yourself. you become who you truly are. or arent. there arent any cliffs to throw yourself upon and theres no romance in just: me.

last year i made a list of songs to listen to in the dark when you are all alone. i figured i would do the same again:

donny hathaway "a song for you"

eliott smith " a fond farewell"

the chemical brothers "close your eyes"

damien rice "9 crimes"

beck "lost cause"

beth hart "leave the light on"

the smashing pumpkins "ava adore"

david bowie "space oddity"

iron and wine "such great heights"

stevie wonder "they wont go"

saves the day "hold"

bjork "hyperballad"

bright eyes "coat check dream song"

prince "nothing compares 2 u"

the supremes "where did our love go"

ben folds "the luckiest"

jeff buckley "hallelujah"

i said "i kind of wish i was a pirate"

and she replied "you pretty much are"

how could i not love that?

May 25, 2007

everyone

is either full of diet pills or shit.

and usually its both.

May 30, 2007

“what has this become?”

a question only countered in some monster movie madness.

sometimes spewed out just before the

signal down.

the wizard of oz in reverse.

from color to black and white.

i am completely obsessed with everyone who is completely unobsessed with me.

or sometimes with life.

and by life i dont mean heartbeats and breathing.

i mean 9 to fives and becoming the suburbs.

the complete fuck off of it all being that i am completely obsessed with backyards, christmas trees and lemonaid stands.

its like the northshore is my heaven, the valley is my golden gates.

excuse mne for nodding off.

always boring myself to death.

take a chill pill.

the story of my life

the unauthorized biography written by myself.

i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.

happiness is the sand in the sea.

its just a percentage of a percentage inside a body of water,

life is just a crocodile with a ticking clock inside of it chasing captain hook.

its just i havent figured out this graceful aging thing so well yet.

im sorry baby. my heart is clumsy. but i love you in a holding your hair back kind of way.

just wanna dip my toe into death to see if its a warm bath.

anytime anything breaks me open ever i just spit out a fortune.

if it means anything i spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.

addicted to addiction.

curiosity killed the cat. but what the fuck did loyalty ever get the dog.

May 31, 2007

"i dont believe...." anymore.

i have no words.

posted by xo at 5:47 PM

[buffa-z]

ep 7

keiwas last video diary i think

ACE WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE GET DOWN OFF THAT SCAFFOLDING RIGHT NOW!!!!

ok but this is top 5 outfits of his

OH his first flash back and his adopted catchphrase! yay!

awww the letter from keiwas childhood

ninja foreshadowing lol

NEON IS STILL STREAMING??? but this is her first techwear outfit its so cute the outfit is so cute but STOP STREAMING YOUR LOCATION virtual background technology exists and you have to use it

oh good cant forget our man in a dress jokes. great. needed that. uh huh. awesome

neon running into the dgp with the song still playing from her phone lol

aw tsumuri was on lunch break

oooh keiwa getting good with the crossbow! stealth kills!

remember the knight jamato when it was insane

ITS EATING PEOPLE

"it has one of the highest body counts in the dgp but it also has a glaring weakspot: this monster energy can"

it did a fortnite dance on them??? owned??? epic gamer???

michinaga bandaging himself up bc he would never let anyone else touch him are you kidding? but that means he gets the first aid kit last. a little bit of symbolism for the table?

ACE HISTORY FACT COUNTER: 5! there was a DGP that ended with all the riders wiped out by the knight jamato

girori backs this up and does not seem surprised that ace knows this. im guessing in a previous game the story was told but that was before the other three showed up, so they think ace just magically knows that.

ace: well it happened before i was a player

keiwa: you seem to know a lot about the dgp ace. how long have you been playing?

ace: since the dawn of the common era

keiwa: i was being serious

ace: if you wont believe me then dont ask

^ i know this is supposed to be Major Old Clues, like really big obvious ones, but cmon man of course nobody believes you. dont get defensive about that. you literally lie constantly why would they believe you. even if it was true which it isnt

michinaga: wait a second wtf are you even wishing for? you already won every game you entered? what the fuck else could you want?

ace: well its not any of your guys wishes

(michinaga getting mad and then remembering he did tell geats about his wish)

girori is suspicious of ace and let me theorize: he knows upper management wants eyes on ace at all times, but wont say why. ace has won at least four games in a row already, which is bad for selling a game like the dgp. he also knows ace's wish this game is the family thing, which is really weird and not understandable. this is where girori decides to try to kill ace

michinaga picking a fight w keiwa over the boost buckle. which is mean but not wrong, buffa could probably get a full win with boost zombie. esp bc if keiwa gave him the boost buckle she wouldnt have gotten hurt and ace wouldnt get the ninja buckle.

aww ace and neon going to lunch together at the soba shop

ace trying his best to help neon navigate the world but his true nature is so deadpan he seems like an asshole, except that neons autism counters his exactly and she doesnt care that hes not emoting

neon taking the ethical approach of like. is it ok to care about my wish when people are going to die? (note that she appears to be raised christian)

ace, who has been rewarded every round: its our compensation for fighting

neon, who has never won: ok....

ace, remembering shes not an enemy: but fighting no matter what is awesome too

neon: [ohhh so hes crazy but he likes me]

ace continuing to eat while sara fawns over him and neon lol

ace: [seething with jealousy] you guys are close

sara: yeah well our parents died when we were kids so

ace: [why did i fucking have to say something] mustve been rough [shoving food in his mouth to avoid talking]

neon/sara actually does make a lot of sense at this point and it is cute. but im staying a neosae warrior. but more than that its awesome for a woman to have more than one potential female love interest. first feminist ship wars?

neon vocalizing being jealous of having a good sibling relationship and it immediately cuts to ace hovering back from the group watching them like hes not allowed to touch

ace suddenly to keiwa: i understand wanting world peace now

literally he eats dinner with friends one time and remembers the meaning of being alive

oh keiwa dont ask about his family

"i forgot" YOU FORGOT?!??!!?

immediately changes subject

sara calling it their last supper jeez

knight is now 30 meters tall

i love how they all spawn in on top of the park ride pieces

everyone being like keiwa you can do it cant you? you can fight the big bad and win?

she does do really good with the bike tho

FUCK what a hit. shes still up and running tho like she Is a kamen rider

geats is gonna save her bc he wants that buckle but in the end jts for her so yknow. alls well that will end well maybe

THE FOX HAND FUCK YOU MAN

"do you really enjoy the game that much? even when the world is in danger?"

yeah. he does. bc its always gone well for him.

neon looking conflicted bc she wants to like ace but he keeps doing this shit

ninja debut!

foreshadowing the multitude of geats

geats is mad as fuck that it caught the can

michinaga: how did you know there was a ninja buckle?

geats: [hiding his chat correspondence with ziin] i played this game far longer than any of you (we call this the joe biden defense where im from)

ace is genuinely not grasping why the other two are upset bc he knows that as long as they survive they get to come back. but crucially THEY DONT KNOW THAT

lets all look at each other while some saloon piano plays yayyy