#nobody needs a 'valid' reason to block someone but it just put it into perspective ig

[oceanwithouthermoon]

ive received multiple dms or asks asking why i blocked people (fyi to the anons, i dont have that many people blocked so youre not saving yourself much embarrassment by being anonymous😭) and im just gonna say this here EVEN THOUGH I DONT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS im just tired of the messages

i will block anyone who has disrespectful takes (usually misogynistic but sometimes just straight up mean, FOR EXAMPLE if you make a really farfetched take or disregard canon SPECIFICALLY for the sake of discrediting someone elses take or ship) or if you always post a ship i dont want to see 🤷🏻‍♀️

so basically youll get blocked for being a dick... or a torisai shipper 😭😭 thats the criteria

[amphtaminedreams]

J.K Rowling & The Echo Chamber of TERFs: Why Nobody Wants your Transphobic “Opinion”

TW// Discussion of Sexual Assault and Transphobia

SO...

I’ve seen the term “allyship fatigue” going round a lot lately on Twitter, since the issues of police brutality, institutional racism, and now transphobia have taken central stage.

And it’s weird. To be honest, hearing other white cis people calling themselves “allies” has always sounded kinda self-congratulatory. Taking this to the level of martyrdom that the phrase “allyship fatigue” evokes makes me want to heave. It’s shit that anyone even has to be saying Black Lives STILL Matter, but it does seem to unfortunately be the case that every time there is a highly publicised murder of a black individual by police, the explosion of us white people calling ourselves allies and retweeting and reblogging statements of solidarity only lasts so long before half revert back to being complacent with and uncritical of a world seeped with casual racism. Is that what “allyship fatigue” is? The excuse for that? Not only does the term take the focus off of the marginalised group the movement is centred around but it makes supporting equal rights sound like some kind of heroic burden we’ve chosen to take on rather than addressing a debt we owe and being not even good but just plain decent human beings. WE are not the ones shouldering the weight here, and if your mental health is suffering, that is not the fault of the people asking for their rights. Log off. We have the privilege to do that. It just doesn’t need to be a spectacle.

At the same time, this public onslaught of ignorance and hatred that the coverage of the Black Lives Matter movement has triggered (that let me again emphasise, black people have had to involuntarily be on the receiving end of their whole lives) and the frustration and anger that comes from seeing these absolute trash takes from people with no research into the subject who build their argument purely on “what about”isms is do-I-even-want-to-bring-children-into-this-fucking-world levels of miserable. In terms of earth beginning to look more and more like the prequel describing the events which lead up to a dystopian novel, the chaos of the last 4 weeks or so (2020 has not only shattered the illusion of time but also danced on the shards, I know) is the tip of the iceberg. I saw a thread about what’s going on in Yemen at the moment, which I had no idea about, and immediately felt consumed by guilt that I didn’t know. With the advent of social media, there’s been this sudden evolutionary shift where we’re almost required and expected to know about, have an opinion on, and be empathetic with every humanitarian crisis at once. I think young people feel this especially, which is why I say that sometimes it’s worth talking to an older person before you brush them off as a racist or a homophobe and see if they’re open to hearing different opinions-in general, I think we’re a generation that is used to being expected to consume a huge amount of information at once. They are not. For a lot (NOT all) of the older, middle-class, white population, ignorance isn’t a conscious choice, it is the natural way of life. The parameters of empathy until very recently have only had to extend just past your closest circle of friends to encompass people you “relate to”. That doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of caring about other things, and sometimes we owe them a chance to change their perspective first, if for no reason other than to advance the cause of, well, basic human rights for all.

So where does J.K Rowling come into all this? I hear you ask. Why doesn’t she just stop rambling? You potentially wonder. Well, I’m getting to it. 

J.K Rowling isn’t an unconsciously ignorant people. She is what I would call consciously ignorant. And of all weeks to flaunt this ignorance, she chose a time when people are already drowning in a cesspit of hatred. The woman whose whole book series supposedly revolves around the battle between good and evil didn’t even try to drain the swamp. She instead added a bucket of her transphobic vitriol into it. 

Let me preface this by saying that I wouldn’t wipe my arse with the Sun. What they did with the statement she made regarding her previous abusive relationship, seeking out said abusive partner for an interview and putting it on the front page with the headline “I slapped J.K”, whilst expected from the bunch of cretinous bottom feeders who work there, is disgusting. That being said, the pattern of behaviour J.K Rowling has exhibited since she first became an online presence is equally disgusting, and just because the Sun have been their usual shithead selves, doesn’t mean we should forget the issue at hand, that issue being her ongoing transphobia and erasure of trans women from women’s rights.

As I’m sure is the case for many people on Tumblr, J.K Rowling has always been such a huge inspiration for me, and Harry Potter was my entire childhood. My obsession with it continued until I was at least 16 and is what got me through the very shit years of being a teenager, and that will forever be the case. I’m not here to discuss the whole separation of the art from the artist thing because whilst I ordinarily don’t think that’s really possible, at this point the “Harry Potter universe” has become much bigger than J.K herself. I was so pleased to see Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint all affirm their support for trans rights-I was raised on the films up until the 4th one which I wasn’t old enough to see at the cinema, and the DVD was at the top of my Christmas list. They were always my Harry, Hermione and Ron. It was only between the fourth and fifth films that I started to read the books to fill that gaping in-between-movies hole, but as I grew up, I read them over and over and over again. Any of the subtext that people are talking about now in light of her antisemitism and transphobia went completely over my head, though who knows, whilst I can sit here and write that I’m certain I didn’t, maybe I did pick up some unconscious biases along the way? The art/artist discussion is a complex one and I don’t know if I’ll ever read the books again at this point.

There was absolutely no subtext, however, in the “think piece” on J.K’s website addressing the response to her transphobic tweets. There wasn’t all that much to unpack in the first tirade, they were quite openly dismissive-first that womanhood is defined by whether or not one experiences menstruation (I currently don’t due to health issues but I’m betting this wouldn’t make me any less woman in her eyes), and second, regurgitating an article which furthers the fallacy that trans women simply existing erases the existence of cisgender lesbian women. Rowling’s initial response to the backlash was to blame it on a glass of red wine, I think? Which is such a weird go-to excuse for celebrities because not once have I ever got drunk and completely changed my belief system. If you’re not transphobic sober, you don’t suddenly become transphobic drunk. What you are saying is that you’re not usually publicly transphobic (which isn’t even the case with Rowling because this is hardly her first flirtation with bigotry via social media) but that whoopsies! You drank some wine and suddenly thought it was acceptable!

Now what is her excuse for the formal response she wrote to the backlash, dripping with transphobic dog whistles and straight up misinformation (UPDATE: and as of yesterday, blocking Stephen King quite literally for replying to her with the tweet “trans women are women”, in case you thought that this whole thing was a case of her intentions being misconstrued)? Drunk tweets are one thing but if she managed to write a whole fucking essay whilst pissed I imagine there’s a lot of university students out there who’d pay her good money to learn that skill.

Here is the bottom line. TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN. There is no discussion around that. And if you don’t understand why, at the very least, you can be respectful of the way a person chooses to identify, especially when that person is an already targeted minority.

Obviously, sex and gender are complex things. Based on the fact that we don’t walk around with our nether-regions out, we generally navigate our way through the world using our gender and the way we present our gender. Gender of course means many different things to many different people; some see it as a sliding scale kind of thing whereas some people can’t see themselves on the scale at all, and choose to use terms other than man or woman to express how they identify. But, whatever gender one chooses to identify as, we live in a modern world-with all the scientific advancements we’ve made and all that we now know about the brain, using what is between people’s legs to define them is an ignorant, outdated copout. You’ll find that a lot of transphobes can live in harmony with trans women who conform, who have classically feminine features, maybe facial feminisation surgery, trans women who keep quiet about how they’re seen by cis women and don’t kick up “too much of a fuss” (which is in itself still a perfectly valid, brave and understandable way to live your life after years of feeling like you don’t fit in btw). The trans women that Joanne and her friends take the most issue with is the ones who want to expand what womanhood means and stretch the boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable, destroying the confines of simplistic model that TERFs feel comfortable operating within. The ones who fight to be recognised as no “lesser” than cis women. Calling a person a TERF is quite literally just asserting that they are someone who wants to exclude trans women from their definition of womanhood, or in other words wants to cling to the old, obsolete model. If J.K Rowling cannot let the statement “trans women are women” go unchallenged (which we’ve seen from her response to Stephen King’s tweet she cannot), then she is by definition a TERF. It’s not a slur. It’s a descriptor indicating the movement she has chosen to associate herself with. Associating the descriptor of the position you so vehemently refuse to denounce in spite of all evidence and information offered to you with the concept of a “witch hunt” when trans women are ACTUALLY brutally murdered for an innate part of their identity is insulting, at the very least.

Let’s get this straight: despite transphobes trying to conflate sex with gender and arguing that sex is the only “real” identifier of the two, our existence on this planet and our perception of this world is a gendered experience. It is our brain, where the majority of researchers agree that gender lies, which decides and dictates not only who we are and how we feel but also how we interact with everyone around us. I don’t think it’s an outlandish statement to say that when it comes to who we are as people, that flesh machine protected by our skull is the key player.  PSA for transphobes everywhere: when people say penises have a mind of their own, they are NOT talking literally. The more you know. 

Gender is obviously a much newer concept than sex-it is both influenced by and interacts with every element of our lives. It’s also much more complex, in that there are still many gaps in our understanding. I assume these two factors combined with the familiarity of the (usually) binary model of biological sex are a part of why TERFS fundamentally reject the importance of gender in favour of the latter. Yes, most of the time, we feel our gender corresponds with our sex, but not always, and nor is there any concrete proof that this has to be the case. Most studies tend to agree that our brains start out as blank slates, that we grow into the gender we are assigned based on our bodies. In other words, our sex only defines our gender insofar as the historical assumption that they are the same thing, which in turn exposes us to certain cultural expectations. To any TERFs that have somehow ended up here-if you haven’t already, I suggest looking into the research of Gina Rippon, a neuroscientist whom has spent a large portion of her professional career analysing the data of sex differences in the brain. Whilst she originally set out to find some kind of consistent variance between the brains of the 2 prominent sexes to back up the idea that the brains of men and women are inherently different, she found nothing of significance-individual differences, yes, but no consistent similarities in the brains of one sex that were not present in the other. Once differences in brain size were accounted for, “well-known” sex differences in key structures disappeared-in terms of proportion, these structures take up the same amount of space in the brain regardless of sex. Her findings are best summed up by her response to the question: are there any significant differences in the brain based on sex alone? Her answer is no. To suggest otherwise is “neurofoolishness”. Not only does her research help put to bed the myth that our brains are sexed along with the rest of our bodies during development (this is now believed to happen separately, meaning the sex of our bodies and brains may not correspond), but also the idea propagated by the patriarchy for centuries that basically boils down to “boys will be boys”-a myth used to condone male sexual violence against women and even against each other on the basis that it is inherent and “can't be helped”. That they are just “built differently”. Maybe at one point in human evolution, men were conditioned to fight and women were conditioned to protect, but whilst the idea remains and continues to affect our societal structures (and thus said cultural expectations), we’ve moved on. I mean we evolved from fish for fuck’s sake but you don’t see us breathing underwater. 

Gender identity is based on many things and admittedly we don’t fully have the complete picture yet. The effects that socialisation and gender norms in particular, as much as we don’t want them to exist, have on our brain are huge; there’s evidence that they can leave epigenetic marks, or in other words cause structural changes in the brain which drive biological functions and features as diverse as memory, development and disease susceptibility. Socialisation alters the way our individual brains develop as we grow up, and as much as I’d love to see gender norms disappear, they’ll probably be around for a long time to come, as will their ramifications. The gap between explaining how socialisation affects the brain of cisgender individuals compared to the brains of transgender or non-binary individuals is not yet totally clear, but as with every supposed cause and effect psychology tries to uncover, there are outliers and individual differences. No, brains are not inherently male or female at birth but they are all different, and can be affected by socialisation differently. In one particularly groundbreaking study conducted by Dick Swaab of the Netherlands Institute for Neuroscience, postmortems of the brains of transgender women revealed that the structure of one of the areas in the brain most important to sexual behaviour more closely resembled the postmortem brains of cisgender women than those of cisgender men-it’s also important that these differences did not appear to be attributable to the influence of endogenous sex hormone fluctuations or hormone treatment in adulthood.

Maybe dysphoria is something that evolves organically and environmental factors don’t even come into it. Like I said, we don’t have the whole picture. What we DO know is that for some people, as soon as they become self-aware, that dysphoria is there, and the evidence for THAT, for there being common variations between the brains of cisgender individuals and transgender individuals, is overwhelming. You can be trapped in a body that does not correspond with how your brain functions, or how you wish to see yourself. Do individuals like J.K Rowling really believe it is ethical to reinforce the idea that we are defined by our sex and that our sex should decide the course of our lives, should decide how we are treated? That we should reduce people to genitals and chromosomes when our gender, the lens through which we see and interact with the world, could be completely different? Do they not see anything wrong with perpetuating the feelings of “otherness” and dysphoria in trans individuals that results from society’s refusal to see them as anything more than what body parts they have? In a collaboration between UCLA MA neuroscience student Jonathan Vanhoecke and Ivanka Savic at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, the statistics collected pointed to what trans activists have always been trying to get at-the areas of the brain responsible for our sense of our identity showed far more neural activity in the brains of trans individuals when they were looking at depictions of their body that had been changed to match their gender identity than when this wasn’t the case; when they saw themselves with a body that corresponded with their gender identity, when they were “valid” by society’s definition, they felt more themselves. When J.K Rowling tells trans people that their “real identity” is the sex they were born with, she is denying them this right to be themselves and due to her large platform, encouraging others to do the same. YOU are doing that, J.K. And who knows why? Where does your transphobia come from? Peel back the bullshit layers of waffle about feeling silenced and threatened, which you know you are directing at the wrong group of people, and admit it’s for less noble reasons. Taking the time to unlearn the instinct embedded into your generation to see people according to the cultural status quo of biological determinism is effort, I know-but you wrote a 700+ page book. I’m sure you can manage it. Or is it an ego thing? You don’t want to admit that you may have been uneducated on gender and sex in the past, and now have to stick by your reductive position so your image as an “intellectual” isn’t compromised. I don’t know. Only you do. But your position is irresponsible and dangerous either way. You can make up bullshit reasons as to why the link between trans individuals and the incidence of suicide attempts and completions isn’t relevant or representative of the struggle that trans people face due to the hatred that people like you propagate but it is there, and you J.K Rowling, someone who has spoken in the past about the horror of depression, should know better. You should know better than to CLAIM you know better than the experienced researchers who have found the same pattern time and time again-that the likelihood of trans individuals committing suicide is significantly higher than that of cis people. 

No, Rowling’s transphobia has never been as upfront as saying “I don’t believe transgender people exist” but she continues to imply that when she makes claims such as womanhood being defined by whether or not one experiences menstruation, and the completely subjective concept of whether an individual has faced sex-based violence from cisgender men. I’m sure she’d be out here taking chromosome proof cards like Oysters if it wasn’t for intersex individuals throwing her whole binary jam into a tailspin. Yep, there’s even suggestions that the binary biological model might not be so binary these days-just because two people have, say, XY chromosomes, does not mean that these chromosomes are genetically identical between individuals-the genes they carry can, and do, vary and so their actions and expressions of sex vary. 

Ideally, what TERFs want to do with their language of “real womanhood” is create an exclusive club that trans women are left out of when they too suffer under the same patriarchal society that those who are born female do. Yes, they might not experience ALL the issues a person born with female genitalia do, but no two women’s life experiences are the same anyway. Trans women also have their own horrible experiences with the patriarchy, and are often victims of a specific kind of gendered violence that is purported by the idea of “real womanhood”. Don’t throw trans sisters under the bus because you’re angry about your experience as a woman on this planet-direct your anger at the fucking bus. Don’t claim that “many trans people regret their decision to transition” when the statistics overwhelmingly show that this is the EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE of the truth (according to British charity organisation Mermaids, surgical regret is proportionately very low amongst gender affirmation outpatients and research suggesting otherwise has been broadly disproven) because you’ve spoken to a selective group of trans individuals probably handpicked by the TERFS you associate with to confirm their biases, and then have the nerve to claim that trans-activists live in echo chambers on top of that. Don’t use anecdotes and one-off incidences where “trans women” (I say trans women in quotation marks because we’re pretty much talking about a completely statistically insignificant group of perverted cis men who have, according to TERFs, somehow come to the conclusion that going through transition will make their already easy-to-get-away-with hobby of assaulting women even...easier to get away with?) have committed sexual crimes to demonise and paint as predatory group who are largely at risk and in 99.9% of situations, the ones being preyed on. It’s a point so disgusting that trans activists shouldn’t even have to respond to it, but the idea that an individual would go to the pains of legally changing their gender and potentially the hell of the harassment that trans people face, the multiple year long NHS waiting lists to see specialist doctors,  just so that they can gain access to women only spaces is ridiculous. It’s worth noting here just how sinister you repeatedly bringing up this phantom threat of cis men becoming trans women in order to assault women in “women only” spaces is. The implication here is that they should use the toilet corresponding to the sex they were born as, right? Because it’s all about safety? Well, statistically speaking, far more trans women are abused whilst having to use men’s toilets than when they use women’s ones and the same goes for trans men, and yet you don’t mention it once. Your suggestion also puts people born female who identify as women but maybe do not dress or present in a typically feminine way at risk of being ostracised when THEY need to use the women’s bathroom. The idea that by ceasing to uphold values like yours we are putting women at risk is quite simply, unsubstantiated; the legislation to allow individuals to use the bathroom corresponding to whichever gender they legally identify as has been around since 2010 in the UK and yet we’ve yet to see the sudden spike in the number of women being assaulted in bathrooms you imply will exist if we create looser rules around gender identity and let people use whichever toilet they feel the need to. Similarly, in a study of US school districts, Media Matters found that 17 around the country with protections for trans people, which collectively cover more than 600,000 students, had no problems with harassment in bathrooms or locker rooms after implementing their policies. If cis men want to assault women, they will. They don’t need to pretend to be trans to do so. Don’t pretend to be speaking as a concerned ally of LGBTQ+ individuals when you’re ignoring the thoughts of the majority of individuals who come under that category.

(Just Some of the Trans Women Murdered for Being Trans Over the Last Couple of Years, L-R: Serena Valzquez, Riah Milton, Bee Love Slater, Naomi Hersi, Layla Pelaez, and Dominique Fells)

Trans women are not the threat here. Bigots like you are the threat. HOW DARE you use your platform to reinforce this rhetoric that gets trans people killed when there are so many much MUCH more important things going on right now. Two black trans women had been murdered just for being black trans women in the week you wrote your essay defending those initial tweets. This is an ongoing issue. As a cis woman, my opinion should read as sacred texts to you right, Joanne? Because I’ll say with my whole chest that I feel far more threatened by bigots like you who do not care for the harmful impact of their words than I do by trans women. I do not feel threatened by trans women AT ALL. And yeah, to me, unless they tell me otherwise that they like to go out their way to affirm their trans-ness (which I completely respect-it takes a lot of courage to be proud about your past in a world that condemns you for it), they’re just WOMEN like any other. Yes their experience of “womanhood” may be different to mine but no two individuals experiences are the same anyway and our gender related suffering has the same cause. As a rich, white, cis woman, it’s wild that you are painting yourself as the victim in this debate when trans people can face life in prison and in some places a death sentence for openly identifying with a gender different to their sex in a lot of countries. Nobody is saying that you can’t talk about cis women. Nobody is saying you can’t talk about lesbian issues either, though it’s a bit of a piss-take that you like to throw that whole trans women erase lesbian existence argument out there as a kind of trump card to say “look, I can’t be a transphobe, I’m an LGBTQ+ ally!”, an argument akin to the racist’s age old “I can’t be racist, I have black friends!”. You know from the responses you get to your transphobia that majority of the LGBTQ+ community are very much adamant that trans women are “real women” and that the same goes for trans men being “real men”, so don’t claim to speak for them. You cannot simultaneously care about LGBTQ+ rights and deny trans people their right to live as who they are, however veiled your sentiments around that may be. The whole gay rights movement of the 60s and 70s exist partially BECAUSE of black trans women such as Martha P Johnson if you didn’t know, and though it’s kinda common knowledge I’m doubting that you do because very little of what you tout is backed up by any kind of research. The articles you retweet, echoing the views of lesbians who also happen to be TERFs do not count-the idea that trans people existing simultaneously erases the existence of lesbians only applies to individuals such as yourself who don’t see trans women as women in the first place. That is the problem! Most people don’t have an issue with the fact that you may have a preference for certain genitalia, but I would argue that ignoring exceptional circumstances related to trauma or some other complex issue, relationships are supposed to be with the person as a whole, not their “organic” penis or vagina and it’s kind of insulting to anyone in a same sex relationship to reduce their bond to that.

Back to my point though, of course there are issues that cis women and lesbians face that need talking about, but trans people are affected by the same patriarchal system. You don’t need to go out of your way to mention that they’re not included in whichever given specific issue when there are also cis women who may not have experienced some of the things TERFs reference. You especially don’t need to act as if trans women are the reason we need to have these discussions in the first place. As I’ve said, as MANY women have said, repeatedly-they are NOT the threat here. It is disgusting to see someone I once had so much admiration for constantly punch down at a group that is already marginalised.  It’s 2020, J.K, there’s so much info out there. YOU’RE A FULLY GROWN WOMAN. There’s no justification. We get it, you had a tomboy phase. You weren’t like “other girls”. You didn’t like living under a patriarchal system. So you think you understand the mindset of people who want to transition. You think you’re not doing anything wrong by helping to slow the advancement of trans rights because well, you turned out fine? But you clearly fundamentally misunderstand what being trans is. It’s not about your likes and dislikes and having issues with the experience of being a woman (god knows we all do but I doubt anyone truly thinks for one moment that being trans would be any easier), it’s about how you think and feel at your core. It’s such a complex issue, and all the majority of trans people are asking you to do is LISTEN to them. You may be determined to live in binaries, yet the bigger picture is always more complex and fluid and it’s ever-changing, so all we can do is keep an open mind and keep wanting to know more and gather more evidence. If you’re capable of the mental gymnastics required to retcon the piece of work you wrote in the 90s to make it seem as if you were “ahead of the diversity game”, to the extent that you are now claiming Voldermort’s snake has always actually been a Korean woman and see nothing wrong with that when paired with the fact that the only Asian character you originally included was called Cho Chang, then well…I’m sure you can put your ego aside and do the groundwork to understand what trans people are trying to tell you too. You inspired a lot of children and teenagers and even adults, and got them through some very difficult times, taught that the strength of one’s character matters far more than what anyone thinks of you. You claimed you wanted to stand up for the outcasts.

Well, stand up for the outcasts. Now’s a better time than any. And once again: TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN AND TRANS MEN ARE MEN. They shouldn’t have to hear anything else.

Lauren x

[DISCLAIMER: shitty collages are mine but the background is not, let me know if you are aware of the artist so I can credit!]

[yaz-the-spaz]

here's the anon who said "for people who don't like her, you all focus way too much on Gigi. just ignore her." I don't like her. I am a Ziam, that is why I follow you. I try to ignore her but have to read about her constantly on Ziam blogs like yours. Why? If we ignore her she will go away. Don't you people understand that talking about her is exactly what she wants? Also think of this. If a tree in a forest falls over and nobody witnessed it, did it actually exist?

first off, i DO mostly ignore her. when i do talk about her, it’s minimally and pretty much mostly only when it’s something that’s been brought up by SOMEONE ELSE and/or something she’s said or done that affects zayn (whether directly or indirectly). like i’ve said multiple times before, i barely pay attention to anything she does myself, and what little i do know of what she does or says at any given time is mostly only b/c SOMEONE ELSE has told me about it, i rarely ever see it firsthand myself and rarely even bring it up unprompted. i am only responding to ppl’s comments and inquiries about her b/c ppl are curious and i’m not just gonna ignore them, but i’m also someone who likes to look at and consider things from all angles (including sometimes from perspectives involving her or her family). i’m sorry if you don’t like that but i’m not gonna change the way i blog b/c like it or not, she is an important part of the conversation in analyzing what is going with zayn and with ziam. if i’m going to analyze what’s going on with them, i can’t NOT talk about her or just pretend like she doesn’t exist or that what she’s saying and doing isn’t affecting zayn (and by extension, liam). and that’s especially true given the seriousness of the implications of this latest stunt. moreover, not talking about her is not just gonna make her go away or make the stunting stop, and i’m sorry but i don’t even really understand the rationale behind thinking/claiming anything like that. the fact is WE’RE (as in ziams) not the main ones giving her attention. we may talk about her occasionally yes, because again she is unfortunately an important part of the discussion surrounding ziam’s situations. but even if we ALL collectively completely stopped talking about her tomorrow, the fact is z*gi stans, g stans, het z stans, the tabloids, and the wider gp who believe in this shit are STILL gonna be talking about her and giving her attention. that’s not gonna stop just because a small group of ppl in some tiny subsection of internet and of the 1d fandom stopped talking about her. the stunt will go on as long as it still keeps making her money and getting her attention from all those other audiences (and also b/c of the fact that the contract is clearly still on-going), we as ziams are a negligible factor in that (esp the contractual aspect). so to use your example but modified in a way that would be more relevant to this specific situation: if a tree in a forest falls over and a bunch of people witnessed it while only a small select few did not (and that tree already had a contractual agreement with gravity to fall anyway), did it actually exist? the answer would ostensibly be yes.

second off, and more importantly, i feel like a broken record in the amount of times i’ve said this and the fact that i have to KEEP saying it but tumblr is a HIGHLY customizable site. so if you are seeing things you do not want to see, i’m sorry but that is just not my fault or my problem because you literally ALWAYS have the option to either just plain not read it (if you see it’s tagged as about her), or even to block/blacklist certain tags of mine entirely (b/c i tag everything that talks about her accordingly). just like you’re telling me to just ignore g, that is also an option that you have when it comes to me and my posts about her. so if you are still seeing it/reading it (at least on my blog cause i can’t speak to others’ tagging systems) i can only imagine that it’s because on some level you want to…otherwise why keep reading it? especially when you can clearly see it’s tagged as about her. if you don’t like the way i’m blogging about things or how often i’m blogging about things you are of course entitled to those feelings, but it is ALWAYS up to YOU whether you want to continue to see it or not. you don’t HAVE to ‘read about her constantly’ if you don’t want to (at least on my blog anyway) because you always have the option at any time to either block my tag for her or just ignore posts i’ve tagged under her name. you don’t even HAVE to come to my blog or even continue to follow me if you don’t wanna see this kind of content. that is precisely why tumblr is built the way it is, so that you don’t have to see anything you don’t want to or that makes you uncomfortable. i have always said that if the way i blog or the content of my blog is ever making you or anyone uncomfortable that is totally valid and understandable and i won’t feel bad or blame you at all if you or anyone decides that unfollowing and/or blacklisting or blocking me or my tags is something you feel you need to do to make your navigation and experience of this site and this fandom a more enjoyable one. but frankly i’m getting really tired of repeating this. i’m not sure if there’s this just THAT many people that are new to this site and just don’t know that those things are options, but when you come to my blog saying things like this and basically trying to dictate how i blog about things - esp things that are very clearly literally your choice to read or not - it really puts me in an awkward position cause i try very hard to be nice and respectful about these things but i also have my limits. i’m not here to post content expressly tailored to you or to anyone’s needs but my own, i’m here to post content for MYSELF to get my own thoughts out. the fact that others sometimes happen to see it and like it and/or reblog it is great!! but it is not the reason i started this blog, and while a great motivator, it is ultimately not even the reason i continue with this blog. this blog has always been and always will be primarily for ME first and foremost, as a place for me to share my thoughts (and occasionally others’ thoughts) and speak my mind about things that i can’t necessarily talk about elsewhere and a place for me to make observations and analyses in a space and a community where i feel comfortable and supported. you are welcome to tailor your own blog however you want, and to talk or not talk about whatever you choose there but when you’re on someone else’s blog - just like when you’re in someone else’s house or room - it’s important to remember that that’s THEIR space to do with what they choose and they have no obligation to you or to anyone else to change it to fit your needs or wants. it is up to you to do what you have to do to in order to feel comfortable (and/or protect your mental and emotional health), even if that means avoiding certain parts of their room/house, or avoiding the whole room/house altogether (i.e. their blog) and you are totally within your rights to do so.

anyway, sorry this got so long, i just have a lot of feelings about this and i hope none of this came off in too negative a way, as again i tried my utmost to be nice and respectful about it (despite my on-going frustration at having to repeat it) but i just really hope this get the point across to the people that keep sending asks like this

[justabitbelowaverage]

Lesser Known Coping Mechanisms

The best way to deal with problems of great importance is always by seeking out the help of a professional who is trained to help you. However, if the problem is something a bit less urgent and you are confident you can deal with it on your own, here’s a few coping mechanisms that not a lot of people know about.

I'll try to explain how each one may help and what they may help with but please keep in mind that these aren't for everyone so even if one seems like it might be a good fit for you, there’s no guarantee that it will work.

Staring at a wall or blank surface: Okay so I may have already lost you but hear me out. Often times when the outside world becomes too much, we try to block it out by closing our eyes and straightening our thoughts. Unfortunately, some of us are more prone to create less than desirable images in our minds if our eyes were shut. If your brain doesn't have to process what it is seeing because it is blank or has a repeating pattern then you can deal with your thoughts in a more productive manner.

Empathetic Projection (via thoughts or writing): I don't actually know if there's a better term for what I'm describing but “empathetic projection" seems like a good way to phrase it. This one is for if you're heated or just don't understand a person's reasoning behind an action that effected you. For those who are great at vividly picturing things, you can do it in your head but it can also be done by writing. It's basically putting yourself in the person's shoes and walking through the decisions they made. Really tell the story from their perspective then extrapolate a bit if you're looking at how to approach an apology.

Ventriloquism: This one is more for fun and is often used as more of an escape than anything else. If what you really need is some lighthearted distractions then ventriloquy may be for you.

Finger Tapping: Here's one for if you're more just anxious about something. It's a temporary fix like slapping a band-aid over a dam but if you just need something small to help you chill out then this could really help. Drumming your fingers can lead to more anxiety because you may attract the attention of those around you but tapping your thumb to the tips of each of your fingers in a repetitive motion is a fantastically subtle grounding technique. You can do it on one hand or two and it can be concealed in a pocket if absolutely necessary.

Perspective Swap: This is for my friends out there whose low self esteem leads to self destructive behavior. Imagine that a friend or someone you really care about (sometimes a pet) is going through a similar situation that you are. You just want them to be happy and get through their problems so what advice do you give them? This is one of the simpler ones but it really does help.

Counting: Bring your brain back to its primitive, pattern-seeking routes with this one. This one is another distraction but counting anything and everything around you is a good way to temporarily take your mind off things. Depending on your location, you can count blue things, the number of Adidas sneakers in the room, floor tiles, amounts of time passerbys say the word, “Yeah,” and plenty of other things. Do be careful that you don't pressure yourself with this one if you find that you can't count all of one thing and remember that it's not any sort of rest so nobody is going to be double checking your work.

Delving Into The Imagination: This one works better alone since you might not want to be interrupted but having fun with your imagination is just as good as any other healthy distraction mechanism sometimes. You can picture yourself doing anything or make up your own stories and fanfics that you'll never have to worry about writing. Again, this one is more for fun if you're having difficulty finding something to take your mind off things.

That’s all I've got for you. I would like to reiterate that these are all well and good in moderation and some or all may not work for you. Just remember that conventional ways of coping like crying are also perfectly healthy. You're a human and sometimes you don't need to find a perfect way to cope with every situation.

Feel free to criticize me, correct me, or leave comments (positive or otherwise). If saying things that would be considered rude helps you feel heard and validated, I will not silence you.

Thank you and stay you!

[sky-chau]

Lets get down to business.

^This is the checklist.^

I will reffer to it frequently.

Ive understood you the past six times. I understand your frustration but you have to think of it from a broader perspective and understand that there are more variables at play than wheather or not nonbinary people feel like an afterthought.

Just so were on the same page I'm going to make a list of things and people (in no particular order, since tumblr likes to re arrange blocks of text anyway.) I have taken the time to consider and continue to have to think about with every edit.

Femmes

POC

Butches

Nonbinary Folk (anyone who doesn't identify as a male or female)

Composition

Color Theory

Merchandising

Replicability

Color Blindness

Epilepsy

Disabled folk

Trans Women

Mainstream Culture

Intersex people

Production cost

Traditional Symbolism

Ease of Understanding

Character icons

Fun edits

Honoring the Dead

Jewish people

Queer history

Making it hard to erase any identity certain people might try to exclude.

The DAD test

So keeping all these things and the checklist in mind lets run shit down and try to fix the flag.

Goal: make nonbinary people feel included.

So NB people don't identify with the fem signs.

That's valid I get that, I gave an all stripe flag for y'all to use as you wish.

But that still makes them an after thought.

You're right I kinda seems that way. How about we just get rid of the fem signs all together!

Here's all the problems getting rid of the fem signs all together:

1: it leaves quite the empty space and feels like a bad composition

2: violates checklist points 2 and 6.

3:the spotlight would be flat out unrecognisable

Well how so?

POC would be unhappy to know that they have been dropped from the flag. Id imagine the same kind of backlash from disabled lesbains aswell.

Why not just make them into stripes too?

1: we all know how much backlash the brown stripes get from white people who think they're ugly.

2: if nonbinary people are represented as a white stripe and disabled people were a white fem sign, what color stripe would we associated with disabled people?

3: too many stripes.

Alright so stripes aren't a great idea, why not change the fem signs into something a bit more nueteral? Like just circles.

1: looses the clever side of the design that has a couple walking down a road or atop a light house, who's sillouhets are the projection for the spotlight.

2: making them into say a circle is rather abstract and would not catch on.

3: would violate checklist points 2 and 4.

4: its just bad design.

Why not add a third sign?

That gets a bit too complicated and starts confusing the message.

So then how do we compromise in a way that is practical and appeals to a mainstream audience but isint racist/albeist?

Well you make the flag more versatile. Give it different forms for different people with different needs.

But why is the one with the fem signs introduced first and one for Enbies introduced second? Why not introduce them all at once? Why have a primary flag at all?

This is what's called boiling the frog.

If you introduce people to the new flag idea starting with 5 flags that can be used interchangeably, they're going to be rather overwhelmed and might find themselves angry at such a preposterous idea.

So what you do is you introduce the flag with the most signage as the "main flag" and for every flag that is a subtraction of signage, introduce it as a resource for editing.

This allows people to use whatever form of the flag makes them most comfortable without making anyone else feel as if though they've been excluded from representation entirely. It also gives the opprotounity to explain to the clueless why you're using the "resource for edits" as the flag. It gives you a chance to explain to the curious the nuances to your identity at a pace that the person questioning would not be overwhelmed by, and might actually have a shot at understanding.

To say one is an after thought when 1.0 also had nonbinary people is truely reading a tad bit too into it and s little foolish considering you've been woven into the fabric of the flag since the very beginning.

Wait, why do we have to appeal to mainstream culture at all? Queer people have never been mainstream?

I think Natalie Wynn (contrapoints) said it best:

"If you want to persuade someone it helps to meet them where they're at"

So what does that mean?

Well it means baby steps. If we wish to educate people on the variety of lesbians we first have to appeal to what they think a lesbian is. Then over time you can slowly slip your more woke and educated points in.

Most people (outside of tumblr) dont know what a nonbinary person is, much less what the signage for them would look like.

But even that is not what lesbians as a whole are mostly concerned about as for us, where people are currently at is still not knowing what fucking flag to use for lesbians. The fem signs give a very difinitve answer to the question "wait what's that new flag suppose to be?" and potentially sparks interest into finding out why a post used this flag instead of the lipstick lesbian flag.

While it's not the wokest flag around it has been made very strategically to make replacing the old flag, easier and make more sence to the clueless onlooker.

Now a little bit about how graphic design and symbols work:

Lets talk about bathrooms for second. More specifically gendered public bathrooms. I know this is a hot topic and a lot of people are on board with having gender neutral bathrooms.

So for the sake of this example working lets get more specific and say were talking about porta potties. Technically all porta potties are gender neuteral, BUT for camping events lasting longer than a few days on grounds with no plumbing they have a womens porta potty.

Womens porta potties are exactly the same as all the others. They even have a urinal pipe for men. The reason that there is a womens porta potty is because some women do occasionally go on their periods and hazardous waste with blood in it has to be treated differently than hazardous waste without.

Now there's alot of different women and not all of them wear dresses. But the sign on the door to the womens portable shitter has a little picture of a person in a dress.

They dont use that signage to alienate people or dictate what women can wear. It simply uses the culture to illustrate what this crapper is.

They could put a biohazard sign on the women's toilet but, all fecal matter is a biohazard, blood or no blood.

Since not everyone is super savvy on what the bio hazard sign would imply about a women's camping toilet, that would be considered hostile design. Its not easy to understand.

Hostile design as a term usually applied to doors, or anti homless spikes but can be applied more broadly.

Now using the fem signs on the lesbian flag is the same as using the little dress person on a bathroom. Its not making a statement about the demographic using the item, it simply serves to make as obviously as possible using the cultural landscape it lives in, what the thing is for/about.

The most common signage used for lesbians is the interlocking fem signs. Using it on a thing simply states that thing that it is printed on is for or about lesbians.

Without the signs, it may be hard to figure out what flag its suppose to be if nobody told you.

Your frustration is valid and I'm not trying to make you an afterthought. Ive put alot more thought, time and, effort into this than I think anyone realizes.

If enough nonbinary people say they really wont use or support the flag I will make a new one, but be warned: I will throw a fit.

I will whine about it not only because I'm a little bitch like that, but also because its actually a fucking challenge that will require starting over from scratch.

But don't get me wrong I am still absolutely HELLBENT on making a flag that works.

[shadeecare]

Hana Kimura, victim of cyberbulling

Another Celebrity has fallen. Hana Kimura, professional wrestler and star of Netflix’s ‘Terrace House’, a Japanese reality TV series, fell victim to suicide. She left behind messages indicating that cyberbullying is the cause of her death. Recently there has been a deluge of celebrities sharing their struggles about the hurtful comments posted by netizens. Cyberbullying or trolling is an increasing phenomenon where people harass or post hateful messages about another person online. Living a life that is constantly under public eye, where your every movement, action and word is being scrutinised by the public can be daunting even for the most self-assured celebrity. Some celebrities however, have found ways around it   Get therapy

Jesy Nelson, rose to fame with the pop band Little Mix. The online abuse started when Little Mix was competing in The X Factor and winning the title only made it worst for Nelson. She received a barrage of name calling and hurtful comments which caused her to spiral into depression. Recently, Jesy released a personal documentary, revealing the impact of online trolls on her mental health and her journey of rehabilitation. The documentary by BBC titled, ‘Odd One Out’ won the  2020 Visionary Honours award for Nelson. Watch Odd One Out here    Take a  Social Media holiday

Lizzo, famous not only for her singing but for her stand on ‘plus-size’ body positivity has taken a hiatus from Twitter stating that there were just ‘too may trolls’. Lizzo was bombarded with criticism over her comments on Twitter that a Food-delivery person had stolen her food.  The food-delivery person fought back and claimed that she had unsuccessfully tried to contact the celebrity. Lizzo reiterates: "I apologise for putting that girl on blast. I understand I have a large following and that there were so many variables that could’ve put her in danger. Imma really be more responsible with my use of social media and check my petty and my pride at the door". However, the apology failed to undo the damage and the food-delivery person is suing Lizzo for inflicting trauma. But Lizzo says her departure is not forever. She says: "I’ll be back when I feel like it". Many other celebrities have also stayed away from social media including Millie Bobby Brown and Marie Tran.

Fight Back

Taylor Swift, ‘Pop Titan’ and best-selling musician of all times, has battled trolls throughout her singing career. Yet even before she amassed countless awards and accolades, it was her indomitable spirit  that allowed Swift to bounce back every time. Just write a song about the one who slimes you, has been her signature approach to nasty comments. Swift has clearly mastered the art of teasing trolls and Taylurking with their own comments including featuring snakes in her album and Easter Eggs on social media in retaliation. Swift kept low for a year because of the Kardashian/ West conflict but rose from the ashes again. In her recent release ‘You need to calm down’, some believe that Swift was once again addressing her trolls in her song. You need to calm down.

One wonders why people are still taking pot shots at this artist when the list of her philanthropic deeds is as many as her musical awards. Since 2008, Swift has donated millions and spoken up for victims of cancer, flood, online predators, sexual assault, discrimination, and most recently appeared in a concert to raise funds for the WHO Covid19 Solidarity Response Fund. She is also known to do sweet things for her fans. She would personally send flowers and gift to her fans, and have even showed up at a 96 year old’s home to sing for him. With 200 million fans online, Taylor Swift has all the muscle to speak her mind, shame the bullies and retaliate in the way she does.   But I’m not Taylor Swift. So now what? You have trolls crawling out of your computer screen and you are not quite Taylor Swift! Here are some suggestions you can try:

  Be careful who you befriend on social media. People may not be who they appear to be on these platforms. Do not post pictures and information that other people can use against you. Don’t respond to what the trolls say. Often, nasty comments are made to get a response from you and ignoring the bully will defeat their plans to get you down. Responding is also pointless if the bully hinds behind a false persona. Keep a record of the derogatory remarks so that you have evidence of what was said in case you need to raise the case to the authorities. Take a snapshot of the post with the name of the sender, date and social media platform visible. Change your social networking settings and block out the bully. Delete all information that was posted by the bully so that it does not create copycat behavior against you. Get help from forum moderators and report the abuse to the different Social Media site providers. Tell a more mature family member, friend or trusted adult and ask them to stand up for you.   Upstanding Cyberbullying

Often, we wonder why in a busy public space like social media, where everyone is looking at everyone else’s pages and comments but nobody says anything when a vicious comment is posted. Bystanders do not take the initiative to help the victim for many reasons. Some fear retaliation and being bullied themselves Some may not know what to do to address the bullying. Some feel that it is not their business to intervene as they do not know the victim or what the real situation is about. Research has shown that often, the reason for bystander inaction is because everyone is waiting for someone else to make the first move to speak up against the bullying. Once someone starts to call out the bad behavior then other people will likely join in to do what is right. How can you upstand cyberbulling? Here are some suggestion. But remember to focus on the act and the behavior itself, not the person perpetrating it. Your response should focus at calling out bad behavior and supporting the victim rather than shaming the troll. It is totally pointless  fighting bullying with more bullying.

Positive Offensive – Post positive comments about the victim, point out positive qualities or commendable actions by the victim. You can also defend the victim by saying ‘ You and I have lost it/messed up too, and that should be ok’. Delete the negative messages. - Do not forward the negative comments to other people. Gather more people to post nice comments about the victim. Change the topic or use Humour- Sometimes humour can lighten up a serious situation. But be careful that you are not poking fun at someone else as you do so. E.g ‘Whoa, someone is having a bad day to be saying such things’. Object to bullying – You could write: ‘ That’s not a nice thing to say. You wouldn’t want someone to say the same thing to you’ Reach out privately to the victim- Send the victim a private note sharing your displeasure about the bullying, express your concern and show understanding for how they feel. Provide help to raise the bullying to relevant authorities   Unintentional vs Intentional Bullying

Sometimes written comments can be misconstrued, as it is hard to tell the motivation behind a comment when you can’t see the facial reaction or hear the tone of voice. Unintentional bullying can happen when people crack a bad joke not knowing that the recipient is sensitive to the statement. Many people also make remarks in a fly without explaining what they really mean. Some express comments that are really a reflection of their own fears and anxious thoughts. If you have unintentionally said something that hurt someone, Apologise! Forgive yourself! and Be more mindful next time. But if a person persistently causes hurt to someone else, it could be because they have unresolved issues in their own lives. Research has shown that some cyberbullies just don't know how to empathise with others. Some bullies are actually afraid of being bullied themselves as they may have been the target of bullies in the past. And of course there are those bully's who only know aggression as the way to solve problems. We do not want to validate bullying nor encourage behavior that is hurtful to others. But we do want people who resort to bullying as an outlet for their frustrations to get help for themselves. They should speak with professional counsellors, teachers, religious or community leaders about their struggles. Get help here:

  A Different Perspective.

Lashana Lynch is most recently known for her role in the movie Captain Marvel, playing fighter pilot Maria Rambeau and best friend of Carol Danver a.k.a Captain Marvel. However, Lynch’s next big role in the James Bond movie ‘ No Time to Die’, was not well received by Bond fan’s. Many fans reacted negatively when it was revealed that Lynch would play the roll of 007, as they did not think an African American ‘Black’ women should be ascribed the role of 007. Lynch however, was unfazed with the comments and responded: "It doesn't dishearten me," she said. "It makes me feel quite sad for some people because their opinions, are not even from a mean place -- they're actually from a sad place. It's not about me. People are reacting to an idea, which has nothing to do with my life." Lynch went the extra mile and text some of them with a positive message causing a few to have a change of heart. She says their reply was like: "Oh my gosh, thank you so much!" She added: "But it's an interesting test because it reminds them that they definitely wouldn't say that to someone's face." Lynch demonstrates here that when you take a step back and look at negative comments with a clear head, you can be less emotionally affected. By identifying the reason behind the negative reaction of the Bond fans, Lynch recognized that the fans were actually disappointed because of the type casting of the 007 character which failed to meet with their own expectations.

Cyberbullying is a global problem and has claimed many casualties. However, for cyberbullying to stop, we need to recognize that everyone needs to play a part and take proactive steps to change the way we behave, react and communicate on cyber space. If you are a victim of cyberbullying, engaging in self-harm or having suicidal thoughts, please call for help now:

References: Englander, E.K, Muldowney, A.M. (2007). Just Turn the Darn Thing Off: Understanding Cyberbullying.. InMARC Publications.Paper 12. Available at: http://vc.bridgew.edu/marc_pubs/12 Marano, H.E, (1995,2019) Psychology Today. Big Bad Bully- Bullies aim to inflict pain. But eventually, the one most hurt by the bullying is the bully himself. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199509/big-bad-bully Steffgen, G., Konig, A., Pfetsch, J., & Melzer, A. (2011). Are Cyberbullies Less Empathic? Adolescents’ Cyberbullying Behavior and Empathic Responsiveness. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 14, 643-648. doi: 10.1089/cyber.2010.0445. Shultz, E., Heilman, R., & Hart, K. J. (2014). Cyber-bullying: An exploration of bystander behavior and motivation. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 8 (4), Article 3. https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2014-4-3 Image of Hana Kimura - Youtube: Word Association with Hana Kimura. Image/Video of Jesy Nelson - Odd One Out, BBC.com Image of Lashana Lynch - Captain Marvel Trailer, Marvel Entertainment. Image of Lizzo - Andy Witchger / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) Image of Taylor Swift - YouTube: The Best Outfits At The 2019 American Music Awards | Cosmopolitan UK] Read the full article

[captlok]

“she was using minimal aggression to belittle him, not to avoid violence”  Her reasoning for doing it (and that’s a headcanon interpretation, note) is inconsequential to the fact that she DID it. She used minimal force. She was evasive. That indicates that earthbending can indeed operate like airbending, and not be all about ‘hurr chuck rock at u��� ‘head-on’ like she insists.  Now, to be fair, she’s twelve. She doesn’t have the perspective of someone who’s been formally taught, nor HAS taught. She’s literally making this up as she goes along. She’s probably parroting something she overheard at Yu’s dojo, which reflects the mainstream attitude about earthbending, without thinking critically about how it sharply contrasts with her own invented style that she HAD to invent to be able to stand up to attacks that she was physically unable to block with strength, (head on) like other earthbenders.   That was the beauty of it- even being disadvantaged TWO ways, she figured her way around it.  We’ve seen Iroh blend styles with the different elements- she just doesn’t realize she’s doing it.  She also doesn’t realize that, as a martial arts instructor (or average teaching instructor) starting off with familiar things and transitioning from that starting point is more conducive to learning and proficiency than hitting a student over the head with bewildering information. This is something I do in the classroom. If your speculation is that Aang wouldn’t have stood up against killing Ozai had he learned from, say, Bumi or someone else instead of Toph, I’m gonna have to disagree with you. Maybe I’m not understanding that part fully.  She’s not a bad person. She’s just twelve. 

She’s a kid. So she thinks simplistically, like a kid.  And likewise, she’s been molded by her adult role models, the Rumblers, in being a jerk. She has been conditioned to think that is a positive thing. Toughness. Toxic masculinity et al.  That is not her fault, really, either. It’s just that, if she were male, and Aang were female, the writing would more obviously show up on peoples’ radar as verbally abusive, and Katara, another girl, intervening, would have been seen as female solidarity.  I don’t remember what exactly was said, (maybe we both need to rewatch it to better dissect) but I remember thinking that Katara’s teaching method was at the VERY least EQUALLY as valid as Toph’s. (if not better, imho.) (Everybody has a different teaching style, and when I was in school, students named as their favorite and flocked to our resident English teacher who put down students all the time.)(Is that different because the power dynamic is altered because the teacher is an adult? Would a Toph that was 30 saying the exact same lines, belittling a 12 yo kid come across as too harsh? idk, you be the judge.)  Regardless, I see it as lowkey verbal abuse stemming from subtle toxic masculinity. Written by white men, so makes sense. Nobody’s perfect. Nobody’s immune to social conditioning, and per Toph, they don’t have to be physically male.  It’s more sad that the fandom sees it as a positive thing. 

Taang Moment 02

“She waited… and then she listened.”

[evnoweb]

Helping newbies

According to my Twitter page, I joined the social sharing network in 2007.

I was probably in some summer institute at the time.  One of the first people that I do remember interacting with was Rodd Lucier (@thecleversheep) who was a big advocate for learning and social networking.

So, I created the account, now what?  As we know, Twitter is essentially nothing until you follow people.  It would seem intuitive that you could just post a Twitter message asking for advice but it really doesn’t work well that way.  In order for someone to reply to you, they need to know that you exist!

Fortunately, at the time, Twitter was kind of new and there were lots of blog posts about who to follow in Twitter so I started adding names from these recommendations.  I was off.

I do recall that the names that I followed were kind of interesting but not necessarily in an Ontario or Canadian way.  Either I wasn’t following the right people or the right people weren’t on the network.  So, I plugged along with the ones that I did follow and kept looking for more.

It was a home thing for me in the beginning.  Twitter and all social networks were blocked at work.  I did go to work on that and had that removed.  It’s great to see so many educators from my district now online.

Fast forward to today.  My, things have changed.  There are so many people online now.  The challenge remains, though, to make some sense of relevancy to it.  People use the service for a variety of reasons; you just have to find the ones that are of value to you.  If you’re serious about this, it’s not just about finding folks that agree with you.  There can be great value in finding someone who has a different perspective.  You can influence them or they can influence you.

So, this week, Derek Rhodenizer put out this challenge.

It’s day 3 of the kindness challenge! #VoicEdGratitude Today we are asking you to find an educator that is new to twitter and urge your followers to support them. Let’s share the love#GrowPLN pic.twitter.com/iBjQJmv7ZO

— Derek Rhodenizer (@DerekRhodenizer) December 5, 2018

I used the opportunity to share a “new to Twitter” person.

So, the ball is in that new person’s court.

But everyone is busy.  Is picking up Twitter something else to do on an overcrowded teaching load?  In my opinion, the newbie (and we all were at one time) needs immediate success to validate that the time and effort is going to be worthwhile.

Some suggestions that come to my mind…

Use the Twitter search or advanced search to look for a resource to support a passion or a topic that will be taught in class.  The advantage that Twitter has is its immediacy of results

Look to Friday Twitter messages tagged with #FF or #FollowFriday.  Once you’ve mastered search in Twitter, then things like this become second nature

Search for a hashtag.  # isn’t pound anymore!  Any organization or project worth their salt will have a hashtag that they’re using.  You’ll just have to find it!

Look to the Trends on your landing page to see what’s popular in your area.  Click to dig deeper and find people that are talking about things you’re interested in

Search for your school name, district name, principal’s name, etc. to zero in on things local to you

How about those blog posts of “people to follow”?  They had value in its time but those posts are still active.  The people, though, may no longer be active.  There’s no success when you find dormant accounts.

That’s the consumer side.  That lets you find people to follow.  How do you get people to follow you?  That’s simple!

Be interesting.  That’s really all that’s needed.  Get involved with those names that you’ve identified above.  Contribute back ideas, ask questions, share resources, offer your opinion, etc.  It doesn’t take long before people get curious about you and want to follow you back.  Having a descriptive Twitter profile makes all the difference.  Nobody will follow a ghost

The key to helping the new user is to give them immediate success.  There are lots of ways to do it.

My suggestions appear above.  What can you add to the list?

Helping newbies published first on https://medium.com/@DigitalDLCourse

[eponymous-rose]

Okay, do you have any advice for someone who's seriously considering grad school and teaching in the future? I'm having a bit of a "how-do-I-know-if-this-is-what-I-want-to-do-for-the-rest-of-my-life" crisis.

Oh gosh, I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, trying to come up with a good answer, and failing that, trying to come up with an honest answer. The best I can do, I think, is to say that in my experience there is no “this-is-what-I-want-to-do-for-the-rest-of-my-life”, or at least if there is, it puts so much pressure on you that it can chase you away from something you love. If you’re fixed on the idea that this is what you’re meant to be doing for the rest of your life, when you inevitably start to hate it a little bit, you’re also kind of going to be hating yourself, because what’s wrong with you if you can’t do this thing that defines you? 

That’s a big problem in grad school, believe it or not, because for all the snarkiness and PhD Comics “this is the worst” attitude that grad students have, from what I’ve seen almost everyone kind of stumbles into it out of a place of (sometimes self-consciously buried) love and ambition, and it’s easy to feel betrayed by yourself when things don’t quite measure up.

So my advice to the question you’re not asking is: life is long. I grew up with a strange perspective because both of my parents had pretty darn full lives in their twenties and early thirties: establishing careers, pursuing hobbies, getting married. But they were both pretty miserable, they both wound up losing their jobs and getting divorced from their then-spouses, and they both rebooted by going back to school for something entirely different in their mid-thirties, which is where they met and fell in love and eventually had a couple of kids. They’re retired, now, living in a little apartment a short drive from the ocean, and despite some rocky times, they’re wildly happy with their decision to reinvent themselves, and with the benefit of perspective they don’t regret having tried and failed in their twenties if it meant setting themselves up for where they are now. 

So I’ve always grown up with the notion that it’s okay to try new things, even if it means fucking up, because even decades of “lost time” aren’t lost if you can stack up and clamber over all that crap to get to the next big thing. It’s not going to be easy to switch, by any means, but life is long and you’ll have enough time for a do-over if you really need it. I’m only harping on this because that crisis is so familiar to me, and because what I’ve found is that it’s vital to learn how to reduce the weight of “this is the rest of my life”, because otherwise that weight will crush you the first time something goes wrong. This is your life now. The future is a big ol’ question mark. That’s okay.

More practically, here are some things that I have found to be helpful traits in graduate school. These are things that can be learned.

Everyone talks on their resume about how they’re a “self-starter” or an “independent learner”. I think part of this needs to be true and part of it needs to be bullshit. You’ve gotta learn to be self-motivated in the way that somebody who does NaNoWriMo is self-motivated: if you really need to, can you sit down and churn something out even when you’re not feeling it? Can you push past a block? There is a bit of hand-holding in graduate school, if you have a good adviser, but in the end nobody is going to be as invested in your future as you are.

This goes into the bullshit part of independent learning: depending on the culture at the institution you attend, graduate students may be competitive or pitted against each other. It is essential to push back against this tendency, because snapping out of that pointless competition leads to some of the fiercest and most protective friendships you’ll ever find. There’s a lot of bullshit in academia, and the worst part is that sometimes it can be a big neon sign flashing “BULLSHIT” and you’ll still squint at it and go, “maybe that sign says ‘EVERYTHING IS GREAT’ and I’m just reading it wrong.” Being able to sit down with people who are capable of pointing at the sign and going “that reads bullshit”, and for whom you can also do a bit of pointing, will make the whole thing so much more manageable. Trying to get through it alone or without helping anyone else is putting yourself at a major disadvantage.

On the topic of bullshit-meters, it’s also very important to take care of your mental health the way you take care of your physical health. If something starts to feel off, most universities offer at least the ability to go in and get it checked out for free. That’s so important.

Do you enjoy what you’d be studying? It’s difficult, but try to consider this question outside of the context of “enough to make it the sole thing you pursue for the rest of your life.” If you like something, if it genuinely gets you excited, it doesn’t have to be the only thing in your life that makes you happy. You can still love your hobbies more. But if you genuinely enjoy what you study, you’re more likely to be able to reject the really tempting and super-cool apathy that’s built into the culture of some graduate institutions.

You’re not gonna love it all the time, and that’s okay. You’re gonna feel guilty about being in a relatively stable situation studying something you love and still not enjoying it, and that’s okay. Graduate school is a long commitment, in a lot of departments, and it’s normal to fall out of love with something for a bit if you’re focused on it for so long. Just like relationships go through patches where they’re less about passion and more about having to buckle down and just do maintenance work for a bit, sometimes your project’s gonna feel lackluster. If you can push through that, if you can do the work even when you’re not feeling it, you can find that love again–or if not that particular kind of love, some harder-edged and sturdier version thereof.

Start training yourself to translate humblebrags (almost always coming from dudes) like “I worked 80 hours this week!” into “I have poor time management skills!” Don’t legitimize the expectation that this job will eat your hobbies and the things you enjoy about life. Sometimes that means setting a hard cutoff time beyond which no work is ever done, even if you feel like you just need one more hour to finish it. Professors get swamped, too, and will often understand if you’re honest and up-front about your limitations. If they don’t appreciate some reasonable level of self-awareness in their students, they’re probably not worth listening to. I have also discovered with the benefit of perspective that it is very, very hard to do something completely unforgivable in graduate school.

Grad school differs strongly from undergrad in that you lose a lot of the instant-validation moments you used to get with things like exams and classes. You might go months or even years without hearing whether what you’re doing is acceptable, much less exceptional. All this means is that sometimes you have to seek out that validation actively. Ask your adviser point-blank what you’re doing well and what you could be doing better–they’ll probably reply with a deer-in-headlights look, but if you keep asking they’ll keep getting better at it. Get friends together and read each other’s papers. Find other avenues for validation in your life–write fic, create fanart, celebrate your victories on an online blogging platform. Go ahead and scratch that itch. You deserve to know when you’re doing well.

There’ll be a transition period where you might have to consider being someone else for a bit. For me, in the first few months in a new place, my rule of thumb is to not say no to any invitation. Someone’s gotta go pick up nails at a hardware store? I’ll ask if they want company. Someone’s got an extra ticket to the volleyball game? Okay, sure, I don’t know from volleyball but we’ll do this. Someone I don’t especially like is having a board game night? Fine, let’s go. Astronomy club filled with freshmen? Awkward, but sure, let’s go just to go. I’m usually pretty darn happy on my own, and doing all that social stuff can be exhausting, but it’s so important to establish some sort of support network early on. 90% of those tentative ties will fall apart on their own, but the last 10% can be absolutely unbreakable.

Cut yourself some slack, is what it boils down to. I’m pretty aware that it takes me about three years to feel like I’m competent at something, so for those first two years and 364 days I’ll use that as a mantra to remind myself that it’s okay to be in the middle of the pack, or even the one sickly pack member who’s lagging behind the rest. Grad school often means surrounding yourself with all the folks who were top of their class in undergrad, so it’s okay to suddenly find yourself bringing up the rear. I had the lowest grade by far in the graduate class taught by my adviser. Now I’m publishing papers on the topic. Find as many ways as possible to be patient and kind with yourself.

This is all as honest as I could make it, because graduate school can be a terrible place if it’s a bad fit. Personal experience will also vary a lot–I can preemptively feel the winces from some of my grad school followers as they read through this. This is my experience, and I cannot emphasize that enough.

But I love it. In practical terms, I learned that I love teaching and research and mentorship, so I now feel confident that pursuing a career in academia makes a whole lot of sense. I’ve had very, very bad times in grad school, but I’m now at the point where some nights I legitimately have trouble falling asleep because I’m so excited about what I’ll be doing the next day. 

I hope that if you go for it you can have a wonderful time with it, and even if you go for it and things go wrong, you can remember that life is long and use this as a way to climb to bigger and better things. 

[pisati]

well I wanted to put off writing about it bc I probably need some time to calm the fuck down but it needs out.

as we were closing up and starting to clean at the end of the day today my co-receptionist told me she and the head vet wanted to talk to me when we were done; nothing bad, but, you know. talk. I know I’m not fucking up that bad, but I still wondered how bad it might’ve been to warrant a meeting. 

and it wasn’t that bad. the vet even opened with the fact that I’m doing a good job and I’m learning a lot despite this not being my field. but they did have some concerns about a few things. namely 1. the other team got two complaints from clients who had had questions and food things and didn’t get answers. they saw that the clients had spoken to me and I had told them they’d hear back and there was apparently no note in a doctor’s list or anything, 2. I’ve apparently told people doctors on the other team would be getting back to them thursdays when they’re back in (though I swear I’m wording it like “they’re next in the office on thursday”, I really try not to make promises on when the doctors can get to clients’ concerns because I have no idea when they’ll be able to and I really am trying to not put undue pressure on them; apparently I have been?? somehow??), and 3. I’ve been scheduling things as tech appointments that should be doctor appointments and it’s causing delays and schedule overload. 

these are all valid concerns and are things that I’m aware are problems and am specifically trying to avoid, so it’s upsetting to me that it’s still happening despite my trying to avoid them and that it’s upsetting the other doctors and putting unnecessary pressure on the other team. firstly it was hard enough learning the ropes when we still had the team together, but nobody really gave us guidelines on how to deal with having half the doctors only available on days we’re not. with having potential gaps of days before clients can hear back from the doctor they want to hear back from. some clients are doctor-specific. I’m not trying to create an us-vs-them split here, I’m trying to help with continuity of care but also get people’s needs met within reasonable time. I offer quite a bit to ask a doctor currently on staff if they’d like an answer promptly. like these things are at the forefront of my mind all day every day and I’m honestly beating myself up because I still can’t seem to make that happen.

and this isn’t constant, thankfully, but it’s enough that it was brought to the managers’ attention, likely by multiple people, and the office manager, both head receptionists, and head vet drafted up a memo with specific instances of my fuck-ups and basically wrote prompts for me to explain what happened and what I can do to avoid doing things like that again. like... that’s honestly embarrassing. I know I can’t be perfect, but I don’t feel like this is a thing that happens to most people. I don’t know how I always end up fucking up badly enough at just about everything I do for this to keep happening. 

the worst part, especially about the client complaints, is that it’s an honest mistake that I am not aware of having made until a client calls upset that their needs weren’t met. by that point it’s too late, the damage is done. the two biggest things with things like that for me are 1. memory and 2. knowing what information to field where. it’s hard on mondays when clients have questions for their specific doctors that they saw the thursday/friday/saturday before and their doctor won’t be back in the office again until thursday. I do offer to follow up with a doctor on-staff if their questions need to be answered, of course, I’m not going to make an owner wait 4+ days for a response to a problem. some of them decline this, they say it can wait. many of them I do leave in a doctor-on-staff’s worklist, because I want someone to get back to this person about this issue. I also have left multiple notes, both in the worklist for a doctor on-staff AND for the doctor they wanted to speak to, so when that doctor comes back they know what happened and who this information went to. like, I really am trying to be good about that. but then comes the problem of memory. we’re being pulled in at least 3 different directions all day for 12 hours a day now. it’s hard and sometimes near-impossible to remember everything, every detail of every conversation you have with people, and I’m not even aware of what goes on inside exam rooms so when clients call about issues specific to their pet and the case that the doctors/techs are the only ones with direct knowledge about, it’s really hard to gather relevant information at lightning speed and either get questions answered or appointments booked. everyone else is going through the same thing, we all understand that feeling. I try to keep sticky notes, so I can get back to the thing I was doing if I got interrupted. they are really helpful, and most of the time I can keep track of the things. but occasionally there’ll be a time when I think I’m getting something done, forget to write it down if I get interrupted, and then forget the thing entirely. sometimes I’m VERY lucky and I remember later. I had a moment like that yesterday; I remembered a double new-patient appointment that I had spoken with earlier in the day; one of our clients was adopting two new pug puppies and since she booked online and they’re new pets, the system just blocked off the calendar spot as “unknown”. so I had to call her, get profiles set up for the new pets, and replace the appointments. she had asked me a question while I was putting in one of the appointments, and thankfully I thought to at LEAST block off the time slot for that pet. but then I got distracted and another thing came up and it took me til the end of the day to realize I’d put in one incomplete appointment for one of two pets. for a doctor on the other team. I didn’t want to know how many things I haven’t been lucky enough to remember, but I guess these are a few of them. what sucks, again, is that I don’t know I’ve fucked up until someone gets upset. 

I accept full responsibility for those fuck-ups. I really am trying to be better about writing things on sticky notes. but I guess I need to double and triple check everything I do now to make sure all these batons have been successfully passed. for many things it’s a case-by-case issue, and that’s where a lot of my challenges are, still. I have been improving on knowing what information to pass to what person, what information is urgent, and what I need to place more urgency on than the owner is letting on. it’s hard not being from a vet med background. I’ve had to learn all of this over the last 8 months and I learn new things literally every day. I think they know that, and the head vet says she’s reminded people of that fact. but it still bothers me that this is continuing to happen. mostly that I’m not always sure what to do with an owner’s request or what exactly they want from me. sometimes they’re clear, sometimes they’re not, and I try to get what information I can so I can get a better idea of what to do. but that doesn’t always happen. I’m still trying to think of how I can do better with that. 

the other ones are really getting to me, though. I know in the past people have given clients narrower time windows as far as hearing back from doctors about things, and I know to avoid that. it’s common sense; I try to be vague when letting owners know when doctors can get back to them. I don’t know their schedules, and most times doctors can’t get back to clients until the evenings after their last appointments leave. I know this. it’s not something I need to be told. it may have happened once or twice that I don’t remember, telling someone their doctor would be back thursday and could get back to them then, but that just means I need to be better about verbiage. because I never mean that the doctor will absolutely get back to them that day, least of all that morning. 

the one about scheduling things as tech appointments that should be doctor appointments... some of that I know where it’s my fault. when I get an owner calling to schedule a nail trim or a booster shot that can be done as a tech appointment, I go ahead and do what they ask of me. it’s been pointed out to me a few times that sometimes there are reminders on a pet’s chart that they’re either coming up due for or are overdue for services that should be doctor appointments, and I admit that is a fault I need to work on, that I should be doing better about by now. there’s a lot to juggle and it’s going to take a perspective change. but it’s a simple habit change to glance over at the reminders box when I pull up a chart, note what needs to be done, ask the owners about it, and that will result in fewer doctors and techs being mad at me. the only issue I think I’ve run into with that is that I’ll tell owners they’re due for something they don’t want, but that might be a matter of me understanding what requires an exam in what window of time. there’s some I know; like we can’t prescribe gabapentin without having seen the pet for an exam within 6 months. no preventatives without a heartworm test within a year. but the doctor mentioned one today about someone who’d booked a nail trim appointment and hadn’t been seen for an exam in a year or so and that’s entirely my fault for not noting that. again, it’s a matter of looking at the reminders. I need to stop myself before just doing what a person asks me to do (i.e. “my pet needs a nail trim, when can I bring him in?”). I know this has happened a number of times and I’m really not happy with myself that it keeps happening. 

I’ve learned from being burned on this a few times to ask first before I schedule, or before I move online appointments to tech slots. I have been trying to do better about that. there was one today that the doctor brought up to me specifically, because it really did end up backlogging her whole day. if I had known that would happen I wouldn’t have moved one of this lady’s two dogs to a tech appointment. this particular client apparently is a tricky one, so the doctor doesn’t entirely fault me for not knowing better, but apparently when this lady brings both her dogs in at the same time they both should be doctor appointments. the one dog just needed a lyme and lepto shot, which can be done as a tech. I swear I asked someone if that was a move I should make, and when I called the owner I swear I asked if there was anything that dog needed to see the doctor for. that’s literally what I ask if an appointment can be done as a tech; “I can move it over, unless there’s something you’d like for them to see the doctor about”. I can’t remember the details of this one though. so maybe I did manage to fuck it up myself.  there was another one they brought up, though, and I can’t for the life of me remember the details of that interaction. I’d have to go into the chart and see what exactly I said. but apparently I’d booked a pet for a tech appointment when the owner had questions about the dog’s teeth and medications and either it’s my fault for not making that an exam because I figured the tech could make a quick determination on whether we should book an exam (stupid idea, now that I think about it, because it could just be an exam??), or because I misunderstood what the owner wanted. I was about to be annoyed that maybe the owner suddenly brought these doctor issues up at her appointment, but I’m sure I wrote a note in the chart about my interaction with her and therefore it’s my fault. one of those is an easy fix. I just need to ask the owner to be clear about what they want. do they want a doctor to look at this? a lot of clients are concerned about the exam fees, and I would be too; especially if I just wanted a doctor to have a quick look at my pet’s teeth and ended up charged $90 for an exam. I might need some clarification on appointments like that. it doesn’t happen often, but I do know I need to do better about knowing what exactly the techs can do and what needs to be an exam. what I need to be insistent on, even if an owner doesn’t want an exam. at what point I should offer alternative options, and what those might be. 

I know the head vet knows I’m trying and knows I mean well, that I want to help people best I can. she’s understanding of my issues with memory and I hope I don’t seem like I’m not trying hard enough to do better. or like I don’t want to. I know these are simple issues and they can be fixed with time and a little more self-discipline and taking the time to step back, even when interacting with clients, look at a chart for a few more seconds, and make sure I’m doing the right thing. but this all still feels shitty.

I think part of my issue is that I really am trying to be more independent at my job. I do have a number of things down pretty well (the doctor and even some of the techs have told me I enter really good, detailed notes about interactions into charts), but obviously there’s areas I can improve on. and in trying to be independent and not lean so much on my co-receptionist with questions about every little thing, I’m apparently fucking up. I know when I need to ask for help, and I try to do that when I know I need it, but some of these things I feel like I shouldn’t need help on. and so I do what I do, and apparently I’m still fucking up. 

like, I know what I have to do. I know there’s phrases I need to practice, like “the doctor is in with a patient right now, can I get a good number for her to call you back when she can?” shit like that. those are minor fixes. the other things, I think I just need clearer guidance on what things need to go what places. we did already have a meeting on that a few months ago, and I was embarrassed then that I knew it was my fault for fucking up on fielding information to the wrong people. I’ve improved, but still not well enough apparently. there are some real grey-area cases that I sometimes struggle with. I might have to talk to my co-receptionist and ask if it’s okay to ask her about them as they come up. I usually do anyway, I think, but ugh.

doc also mentioned that sometimes some people get overwhelmed with so many things in a day, and I’m really not trying to overwhelm people with “what should this owner do” because they’re expecting an answer, but I like to think I’m doing a decent job at balancing cases? if there’s a thing that should be addressed by a doctor that day, I try to put it in the worklist for the doctor that has the least in theirs. I try not to go to the head vet too much unless it’s a particularly difficult client or someone who’s specifically requesting her or something; I know she’s got a ton on her plate and I really don’t want to overwhelm her. but there are times when the other doctor(s) are on the phone or in with a patient and I have no other doctor to go to. I might need to lean more on the techs if I can, let them decide if it’s an issue that needs to go to a doctor. I just don’t like running around looking for the right person to talk to when I have an owner holding on the phone and their pet is having an issue, and I end up getting passed around to multiple people. I also might need to ask the head vet what’s appropriate to put in her worklist, because as far as she’s concerned it’s a dead zone. there’s too many things to get to and she likely won’t see it. I know that urgent things for her need to be written on a sticky note and put on her desk so she knows to get to it, but what things are okay to sit in the worklist? I’m not going to write a sticky note for every cytology result of hers that comes back, but I also don’t want those things to float into the ether where they don’t get addressed.  

as I’m sitting here I’m thinking I might need to come up with a list of things I hear a lot on the phone and make like... a chart or something. ask the doctors questions about what they would ideally like to see as far as information flow, and make a chart for myself of what needs to go where, or what I’m allowed to tell people. like, if a dog’s only thrown up once but it worried the owner, what should they feed it? what answers am I as a receptionist with no medical license and limited experience allowed to give them? what exact questions to ask for what scenarios so I have enough info for the tech or doctor? how urgently does this issue need to be addressed, because sometimes the owner’s tone is misleading or their sense of urgency is bad? what exactly can a tech do and when is it time to hand it to a doctor? (and this one I think I do have a pretty good sense on, but there are a few borderline cases I could use some guidance on without having to put a client on hold and go bother someone to ask). if it should be a doctor visit but the owner doesn’t want an exam fee because someone can just look at the thing real quick, what do I tell them? obviously medical questions need to go to doctors, some tech questions can go to techs, but then what exactly can wait? how long should it be allowed to wait? it really is case-by-case and I don’t want to have to go back to putting everyone on hold and asking someone because I’m not sure; obviously the point is to do my job better. 

I hate that I get involuntarily teary when I talk about my health, but I had to bring it up today. and of course I started crying, and I was like “I don’t even know why I’m doing this”, lmao. I know everyone struggles to remember things but for me this is not normal. I struggle so hard to pull shit out of my brain and it’s so much effort every single day, I’m amazed I get as much done as I do. that I can remember even what I do. I really am trying to work around it, do the best I can with sticky notes, and really trying to listen and commit things to memory. but there’s only so much I can do. it gets to me when things slip through the cracks, and I fear that that’s inevitable, even if I push to work out a better system for myself. I can’t expect perfection, nobody can. but even improving feels like it’ll be a struggle. and it just can’t be. 

I told the doctor about my physical health, how it’s been deteriorating over time and I don’t know what to do. I’ve seen every specialist, I’ve tried different meds, yes I’m seeing a psychiatrist, yes I know I need a therapist and it’s on the back burner for right now because I just don’t have the energy or the money to find a good one. I’ve tried to exercise, I’ve tried to go on walks fairly regularly, I’ve tried to rest up and get my head back on right. I’m just never any less tired and I can never predict what’s going to cause a crash or how bad the crash will be. I told her about how I went on a 2m walk a few weeks ago and crashed so hard I couldn’t move, but then the next week I did the same walk and was definitely tired, but could still sit up. I walked 3-4 days a week last year, 1-2 miles each, and some days I’d have to peel myself off the floor when I got home, some days I’d just need to lie in bed for 30-60 minutes or so until I felt more able to get up and do things. I started crying harder than I wanted to when I told her I had a whole year off of work and thought I would be able to spend that time recovering and I just don’t feel any better. I wanted to go to grad school, but I just can’t make my brain work right and I don’t know if it’ll ever be possible for me. she put a hand on my knee and told me she knew it was hard, and therapy would definitely help with the emotional part of this. and we’re a team, we care about each other and want to help each other do the best we can, so I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for what help I need. I already know that, and I am trying. I think I just need to figure out exactly what I need first. 

she did mention it, but I already know that this is grief. I’m grieving a future I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have, but I’m also trying to remedy it by finding things I can do and letting that be enough. I told her I’ve spent a lot of time alone and needing to force myself into doing things that help me, because I knew that’s just what I had to do. I told her I’m on meds and am doing a lot better than I used to be. she said she’s glad I’m working on it. I am too, honestly. I know I’ve come a long way and I’m really in-tune with myself and my emotions and I know what works for me. I do still deal with some things in unhealthy ways. all the self-loathing I’ve been feeling over this all evening is making me wish I drank, or that klonopin would shut my brain up instead of just fucking me up the entire next day. I just want to forget I exist for a bit. I’m sick of being sick of myself. this is all fixable and I know it, but I’m taking it so hard even though they tried to assure me it wasn’t a bad thing and that everyone has things they can work on. I know that’s the truth. but I still struggle with knowing I’m messing up.

it did help writing it out. I do have to fill out that fucking packet they gave me. but at least working through my thoughts on it now while I’m still kind of upset gives me a better sense of what I want to say. what I can try to do, what I can ask for to help me do better within my limits. 

I know all this, and it still feels shitty. the doctor told me not to go home and beat myself up over it, and I joked oh, I absolutely will. and I am. I knew it would happen. but I also told her that despite hating criticism I know I need it. that’s how you do better. know what you’re doing wrong first. maybe I hate the wrist-slap more than knowing I need to improve. I always think I suck and I’m not good enough at anything or for anything, I always want to do better. I mostly hate how this was brought to my attention. a bunch of things all at once. granted they have brought up individual things to me in the past and I really have been trying to work on them. maybe it slips my mind, I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ve gotten into the habits I’ve gotten into and they just need some tweaking. it’s shitty knowing that people have been talking about me and my performance without me knowing. I hate feeling watched like that, like people have been making mental checklists of the things I’ve done wrong. I know why I needed to hear this. I know all of it. I just hate it.

part of my brain even wants to go to the extreme of “guess I can never do a fucking job because I always fuck something up, might as well either do something completely on my own or just straight-up die bc I’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything” and that’s so shitty because they literally just told me it’s not the end of the world. I’m sure it’d be a fireable offense if it kept happening and I made no effort to fix it but. I clearly want to fix it. I don’t know why I’m just nonstop berating myself and jumping to that nonsense.

even though I got a lot of it out and managed to calm myself down a little, I’m sure I’m going to forget everything I just wrote and have to come back to this a few times so my asshole brain doesn’t spiral again and again. this doesn’t warrant hating myself, and yet here I am. I’m glad they chose to tell me this before I had a few days off to gather my thoughts but I’m also a little upset because I know it’s going to ruin my entire weekend mood-wise. it shouldn’t, but I know it will. I know I’m going to go back in on monday with my tail between my legs. maybe it’ll help to have a plan with what I need and set aside time with the doctors to get that information. I do think I just need a little more clarification on a few things, and if I’ve already gotten it and keep forgetting, I need to have an accessible place for that information so it’s not vanished into the sludge bucket that is my brain. I hate having to ask people to repeat things I feel like I should know. maybe I really am the type of person that needs a step-by-step flowchart kind of deal, at least for the most general of interactions. if this, then do this. if client says this, then say one of these things. I know it’s not always that cut-and-dry, but I do feel like having that at a basic level and then “anything outside this? ask a doctor/tech” would be really helpful for me. I’m not sure if that’s too much to ask. at least until I can manage to get those things habitual enough to not need to consult a reference.

ok I need to stop. the more I keep sitting here writing about it the worse I feel. again. I hate that I can’t stop dwelling on stupid shit like this either. it’s only going to ruin my whole weekend because I can’t just work out what I need to change and move the fuck on with my life.

[shapeofmyworld]

Day 22: On Being Ready

October 22, 2017

"The greatest barrier to achievement and success is not lack of talent or ability but rather the feeling that achievement and success, above a certain level, are outside our self-concept-our image of who we are and what is appropriate to us." — Nathaniel Branden

Last week, I wrote about the waiting to live mindset. It’s a mindset that I recognize easily after suffering the sudden loss of my soul mate last year. Nobody is ever ready for that kind of loss. It foists the worst pain and fear upon you, and forces you to come to terms with it — ready or not. Recovering successfully requires managing the fear of loss, feeling gratitude for having achieved something so painful to lose, and developing the courage to be that vulnerable again. In my experience, a successful grief journey leads to an enhanced sense of gratitude and an urgency to live consciously, fully, and in the moment. There is nothing like sudden loss to teach us the shortness of life and the importance of embracing each precious moment.

Following loss, I understand these ideas with more clarity than I ever have before — and moreover, I feel that gratitude and urgency for living fully -- to the depths of my soul. I have incorporated these standards into my purpose and my spirit. And I can more easily recognize the threats to them — the tempting excuses to avoid consciousness, the way fear can masquerade as reason, and the impulse to stifle gratitude for fear of loss and to idly wish and dream rather than take the risk of identifying desires and striving to achieve them.

Readiness. This is the term I hear most, sometimes within my own head: “I want to accomplish X, but I’m not ready.” Readiness is a valid concept, of course, but only when used to delineate an action plan for becoming ready. “I’m not ready to apply to college because I haven’t written my essay” defines the next course of action: write the essay. Similarly, “I’m not ready to exercise because I’m not at the gym” means: go to the gym. But what does it mean if one is not ready to write the essay or ready to go to the gym? Perhaps there are earlier steps that require action first. Turn on the laptop or get dressed, for example.

But when we’ve reached the end of the regression of action steps required to reach a goal, if one is still saying he is unready to take action (or, just as often, uses feeling unready as a reason to even avoid identification of the next action required), a feeling of unreadiness becomes a blank-out. It becomes the architect of failure and decay— an excuse to sit idle indefinitely while waiting to feel ready. And in my experience, what that feeling of unreadiness blanks out is either self-knowledge and/or self-doubt and fear.

If someone finds himself waiting idly, unable to take action toward a stated goal, his first focus should be honest and careful introspection on whether he truly wants to a achieve that goal. Is it a goal that others have chosen for him or one that he has passively accepted as something he should want? Or is it a worthy goal, one he has considered consciously and truly believes will better his life and bring him happiness? If the former, it’s time to develop a new goal. If the latter, he next needs to consider what’s stopping him from taking the action required to pursue his chosen path to happiness.

Fear and self-doubt are insidious. Sometimes, they speak plainly to us, making us consciously afraid to both desire and strive. But frequently they influence our choices and behavior behind the scenes, refusing to be seen for what they are, but leading to the same outcome: failure to identify and achieve what we most desire. They lead us to mediocrity by encouraging us to idle or to pursue only minimal values (those that involve little risk of disappointment, pain, or loss). They whisper in our ear: “You might not be able to achieve this. Your dream may not be reachable. Better not to try, not to know. Mediocrity is safer than uncertainty. Stay here where it’s safe, convenient, and there’s nothing to lose.”

Because they’re sometimes disguised as reasonable analysis of risk, it’s not always easy to recognize fear and self-doubt, and I don’t think there is an easy solution to overcoming them. In fact, I’m not sure fear and self-doubt ever go away completely. The goal isn’t to make them disappear, but to accurately recognize and accept them as signs, not of danger, but of potential -- that we’re on the proper, vulnerable path to joy -- and then to strive toward our chosen dreams despite the discomfort. A commitment to honest introspection and analysis helps in this endeavor. Introspection allows for conscious identification of goals and sheds light on what feelings (and underlying thoughts) are blocking progress toward them. Fear should be a signal not to close our eyes, but to open them wider.

Tim Ferriss offers one such strategy with his fear-setting technique. It’s a simple method — certainly nothing profound or earth-shattering — but one that effectively identifies fear and uncertainty and puts them in perspective. It defuses the power of negative feelings via explicit, rational thought and by asking the simple question: “What’s the worse that could happen?” In my experience, the most challenging push against inertia and fear is often the very first one, and framing actions in Ferriss’ way enables one to make that first arduous step past a comfort zone and toward opening worlds of possibility.

Life is too short to stand still. We don’t get a dress rehearsal. This is it, and none of us knows how much time we have left to pursue dreams and experience the joy and wonder of living. We can choose to make the most of that time or we can passively turn over our lives to self-doubt and fear. When one focuses consciousness on this fundamental alternative, the choice becomes an easy one. Because life doesn’t care if you feel ready, and ready or not, your time on Earth is passing. If you’re not in the driver’s seat — fully conscious on a chosen path — fear and self-doubt are likely there instead.

[therightnewsnetwork]

Writing Angry: Celebrities, Supergirl, and Political Creep

Americans can put up with a lot when it comes to celebrities.  We still go watch Mission Impossible movies even after Tom Cruise had a bouncy seizure on Oprah Winfrey’s couch.  We can even forgive him for hawking a religion that has all the trappings of a cult to anyone outside of it.  People still tuned in to watch Joe Namath play football even after he admitted to a strange predilection for wearing pantyhose. (Well, strange for that time at least.  If Tom Brady did it now, we’d all let out a collective, “Whatever.”)

People even still watch the Kardashians even after it’s become painfully clear that they do absolutely nothing. Hell, they watch them specifically because they do nothing.

But one thing we cannot tolerate is the newfound need of any person with even a slight hint of notoriety to expound their political views if they get within 20 yards of anyone with a video camera or cell phone.  Like creeping ivy weaves its way up a trellis, politics has started to creep into our entertainment, and that’s not something we’re going to take sitting down… even if the couches we potato on are really comfortable.

I’ve posited a theory about why this is happening (Hollywood Guilt: Why So Liberal?), but just to recap:  If you made millions for doing something every kid in the entire world does for free, and you came to the realization that if you disappeared tomorrow, a hundred other people just as talented as you are there to replace you, you would probably feel the need to do something that others might consider more worthwhile.  In a world where people are supposed to feel guilty about the color of their skin or how much they make, it’s a solid hypothesis.  Unfortunately, it would be impossible to test because no celebrity would ever be honest about that while they’re telling you how hard it was on their psyche to pretend to be someone else.

Soldiers facing IED’s in Iraq didn’t go through anything compared to an actor having to pretend to fight with a laser sword that he could only see after postproduction.

What these celebs seem too self-important to realize is that we watch them because we need a break from the real world from time to time, especially politics, and we do that primarily through them.  They appeal to us because they can take us away from our lives, if only for a couple of hours.  When they stop being able to do that, their value as a celebrity drops like an eagle hitting a wind turbine.

Slight pause.  A little background for perspective:

I’m a self-admitted movie buff and comic book nerd. (It says so right in my bio, thanks for reading.)  As a world class insomniac, I tend to get in two to three movies a night. I had rated over 15,000 movies on Netflix before they switched to the thumbs up/thumbs down system and made me start all over.

That’s not bragging, unless lack of sleep is a virtue in your mind.  I just don’t want anyone to think I’m just writing this out of hatred for celebrities.  I’m not. I’ve spent the night with quite a few of them. Now back to the column.

Believe it or not, most people don’t want to know about a celebrity’s political views whether they agree or not.  In the celebrity search to matter, they taint the very reason they matter to us.

We want to go to a Green Day concert and sing along with Basket Case without hearing Billie Joe shout “F^$& Trump.”  We could stay home and watch any report from Portland, OR to get that.

We want to watch a football game without having to think about who’s going to be taking a knee during the national anthem.  (And for God’s sake, don’t pretend that the flag and the anthem haven’t been part of sports since the day Cain and Able picked up a couple sticks and played field hockey with a sheep patty.)

We want to read a Stephen King book or listen to a Cher album without worrying about whether they blocked us on Twitter.  (Ok, that one was personal.)

And this may come as a surprise, but I want to watch a Clint Eastwood movie and not think about him talking to an empty chair.

No celebrity has ever changed anyone’s political opinion.  No one says,” Well, I was against illegal immigration, but then Kylie Jenner gave that Pepsi to that cop, and now I get it!”

At most, it’s a validation of what we already think.  It’s fun to believe that you and Lady Gaga are simpatico, or that Kid Rock and I could have lunch together without wanting to kill each other by the time we get dessert.  It makes us feel that we could sit at the table with the cool kids.

No, as much as celebs want you to believe that they just feel it in their hearts that as long as you gave them fame, they have the obligation to use it to make a difference in “just one person’s life”, it ends up being a supremely selfish act.  If you do something just for the sake of someone seeing you do it, you can’t truly call it altruistic.

“Now, Parker ” you say, “a lot of people get on Twitter and pop off about politics.  Why can’t celebrities do that?

“Good question,” I reply, “and to that I say know your role.”

You don’t turns on the news expecting a reporter to suddenly break into a stand-up comedy routine, and nobody goes to The Avengers expecting Iron Man to deliver a soliloquy on gun control.  The first has yet to be seen; the latter is becoming all too common.  And it’s not just the actors, the political creep is weaving its way into their product, too, thanks to Hollywood writers who feel the need to get in on the politically correct act.

Arrow (yes, I’m a comic book nerd) had that very special episode on the goods and bads of gun control.  Supergirl’s entire season turned into a thinly disguised Trump-bash about immigration.  (Yes, there are aliens on Earth, but most of them were good and there is no reason except bigotry to kick them off the Earth or for God’s sake do something silly like build a force field around the planet to keep them out.  Most of them were just trying to get away from their own bad planets.

The writers were so intent on getting this message in, they completely forgot that Supergirl worked for a secret government organization dedicated to monitoring those aliens and getting rid of or locking away the bad ones.)

If I tuned in to the West Wing, I knew I was going to watch a political show.  Ditto House of Cards or Homeland.  I even know which way the show is going to slant.  If I tune in to Supergirl, I want to turn my brain off and see a flying woman kick some alien butt with heat vision. I don’t want to watch her have a debate.  Not only is it clubbing you over the head with a position, it’s just bad writing.

As a conservative, I’m a big believer in freedom of speech, and everyone has the right to share their opinions.  Celebrities aren’t excluded from that, but they need to get over themselves and realize the reason they’re celebs in the first place. There are consequences for their little forays into feigned relevance. George Clooney’s movies have tanked, and it’s not just because they were all horrendous (although Solaris could put an ADHD kid on a sugar high to sleep.) A bigger reason is that he’s turned off half the people in the country who would bother to go watch him onscreen.

Clooney, like Hillary Clinton, may feel like he doesn’t want those deplorable people as fans anyway.  If he does that would be a shame, since he owes a lot of his success to those very people.

I don’t want to speculate about Clooney’s life, but he’s got money for days, a gorgeous wife, and a job a lot of people would love to have.  I’m guessing he’ll be okay no matter what I think.  I can say the same about Trump, which is why I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care what Sarah Silverman or Whoopi Goldberg think of him.

Judging by the last election, most people aren’t influenced by their opinions either.

I just don’t want to become a place where our entertainment avenues are as divided as the country.

I don’t want to live in a world where only Calgon can take me away. Especially since then we’d have to debate showers vs. baths

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Writing Angry: Celebrities, Supergirl, and Political Creep

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Writing Angry: Celebrities, Supergirl, and Political Creep

Americans can put up with a lot when it comes to celebrities.  We still go watch Mission Impossible movies even after Tom Cruise had a bouncy seizure on Oprah Winfrey’s couch.  We can even forgive him for hawking a religion that has all the trappings of a cult to anyone outside of it.  People still tuned in to watch Joe Namath play football even after he admitted to a strange predilection for wearing pantyhose. (Well, strange for that time at least.  If Tom Brady did it now, we’d all let out a collective, “Whatever.”)

People even still watch the Kardashians even after it’s become painfully clear that they do absolutely nothing. Hell, they watch them specifically because they do nothing.

But one thing we cannot tolerate is the newfound need of any person with even a slight hint of notoriety to expound their political views if they get within 20 yards of anyone with a video camera or cell phone.  Like creeping ivy weaves its way up a trellis, politics has started to creep into our entertainment, and that’s not something we’re going to take sitting down… even if the couches we potato on are really comfortable.

I’ve posited a theory about why this is happening (Hollywood Guilt: Why So Liberal?), but just to recap:  If you made millions for doing something every kid in the entire world does for free, and you came to the realization that if you disappeared tomorrow, a hundred other people just as talented as you are there to replace you, you would probably feel the need to do something that others might consider more worthwhile.  In a world where people are supposed to feel guilty about the color of their skin or how much they make, it’s a solid hypothesis.  Unfortunately, it would be impossible to test because no celebrity would ever be honest about that while they’re telling you how hard it was on their psyche to pretend to be someone else.

Soldiers facing IED’s in Iraq didn’t go through anything compared to an actor having to pretend to fight with a laser sword that he could only see after postproduction.

What these celebs seem too self-important to realize is that we watch them because we need a break from the real world from time to time, especially politics, and we do that primarily through them.  They appeal to us because they can take us away from our lives, if only for a couple of hours.  When they stop being able to do that, their value as a celebrity drops like an eagle hitting a wind turbine.

Slight pause.  A little background for perspective:

I’m a self-admitted movie buff and comic book nerd. (It says so right in my bio, thanks for reading.)  As a world class insomniac, I tend to get in two to three movies a night. I had rated over 15,000 movies on Netflix before they switched to the thumbs up/thumbs down system and made me start all over.

That’s not bragging, unless lack of sleep is a virtue in your mind.  I just don’t want anyone to think I’m just writing this out of hatred for celebrities.  I’m not. I’ve spent the night with quite a few of them. Now back to the column.

Believe it or not, most people don’t want to know about a celebrity’s political views whether they agree or not.  In the celebrity search to matter, they taint the very reason they matter to us.

We want to go to a Green Day concert and sing along with Basket Case without hearing Billie Joe shout “F^$& Trump.”  We could stay home and watch any report from Portland, OR to get that.

We want to watch a football game without having to think about who’s going to be taking a knee during the national anthem.  (And for God’s sake, don’t pretend that the flag and the anthem haven’t been part of sports since the day Cain and Able picked up a couple sticks and played field hockey with a sheep patty.)

We want to read a Stephen King book or listen to a Cher album without worrying about whether they blocked us on Twitter.  (Ok, that one was personal.)

And this may come as a surprise, but I want to watch a Clint Eastwood movie and not think about him talking to an empty chair.

No celebrity has ever changed anyone’s political opinion.  No one says,” Well, I was against illegal immigration, but then Kylie Jenner gave that Pepsi to that cop, and now I get it!”

At most, it’s a validation of what we already think.  It’s fun to believe that you and Lady Gaga are simpatico, or that Kid Rock and I could have lunch together without wanting to kill each other by the time we get dessert.  It makes us feel that we could sit at the table with the cool kids.

No, as much as celebs want you to believe that they just feel it in their hearts that as long as you gave them fame, they have the obligation to use it to make a difference in “just one person’s life”, it ends up being a supremely selfish act.  If you do something just for the sake of someone seeing you do it, you can’t truly call it altruistic.

“Now, Parker ” you say, “a lot of people get on Twitter and pop off about politics.  Why can’t celebrities do that?

“Good question,” I reply, “and to that I say know your role.”

You don’t turns on the news expecting a reporter to suddenly break into a stand-up comedy routine, and nobody goes to The Avengers expecting Iron Man to deliver a soliloquy on gun control.  The first has yet to be seen; the latter is becoming all too common.  And it’s not just the actors, the political creep is weaving its way into their product, too, thanks to Hollywood writers who feel the need to get in on the politically correct act.

Arrow (yes, I’m a comic book nerd) had that very special episode on the goods and bads of gun control.  Supergirl’s entire season turned into a thinly disguised Trump-bash about immigration.  (Yes, there are aliens on Earth, but most of them were good and there is no reason except bigotry to kick them off the Earth or for God’s sake do something silly like build a force field around the planet to keep them out.  Most of them were just trying to get away from their own bad planets.

The writers were so intent on getting this message in, they completely forgot that Supergirl worked for a secret government organization dedicated to monitoring those aliens and getting rid of or locking away the bad ones.)

If I tuned in to the West Wing, I knew I was going to watch a political show.  Ditto House of Cards or Homeland.  I even know which way the show is going to slant.  If I tune in to Supergirl, I want to turn my brain off and see a flying woman kick some alien butt with heat vision. I don’t want to watch her have a debate.  Not only is it clubbing you over the head with a position, it’s just bad writing.

As a conservative, I’m a big believer in freedom of speech, and everyone has the right to share their opinions.  Celebrities aren’t excluded from that, but they need to get over themselves and realize the reason they’re celebs in the first place. There are consequences for their little forays into feigned relevance. George Clooney’s movies have tanked, and it’s not just because they were all horrendous (although Solaris could put an ADHD kid on a sugar high to sleep.) A bigger reason is that he’s turned off half the people in the country who would bother to go watch him onscreen.

Clooney, like Hillary Clinton, may feel like he doesn’t want those deplorable people as fans anyway.  If he does that would be a shame, since he owes a lot of his success to those very people.

I don’t want to speculate about Clooney’s life, but he’s got money for days, a gorgeous wife, and a job a lot of people would love to have.  I’m guessing he’ll be okay no matter what I think.  I can say the same about Trump, which is why I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care what Sarah Silverman or Whoopi Goldberg think of him.

Judging by the last election, most people aren’t influenced by their opinions either.

I just don’t want to become a place where our entertainment avenues are as divided as the country.

I don’t want to live in a world where only Calgon can take me away. Especially since then we’d have to debate showers vs. baths

The post Writing Angry: Celebrities, Supergirl, and Political Creep appeared first on Tea Party Tribune.

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