#nobody has ever taken care of them like that!!! wtf!!! anyway. thats not what this post was abt but im thinking abt it

[vigilskeep]

what’s getting to me (yeah i’m still awake) is how inherently fucked up it is that like. a while back, early in the game, i was going on about how it was ironic that in a game about regret i seemed to be playing a character thoroughly incapable of guilt and remorse. someone who is so locked in on wilful optimism and pragmatism that regret is entirely out of their wheelhouse; they genuinely believed everyone just does what they have to do and acts according to their nature, so there’s no use in looking back or expecting different, and all you can do is move forward. the idea that sol did not simply learn to regret and to question themself as a natural character arc, but that solas was actively engineering pressure towards regret so they could take his place in a fade prison? that they had a survival mechanism going and his active intention the entire time was to break it? that in order to do so, he had them spending months confiding in and relying on a fake of the only person they had ever fully trusted? what the fuck

[acircusfullofdemons]

I don't think I've explained.....how exactly Myriam turned Emory into a cat or why he even accused her of witchcraft in the first place.

For context, this all takes place in the late 1600s. Humans having Magic was a VERY new concept and....wasn't taken very well.

Myriam had been researching magic, namely the types & how Humans were able to do it. This alone was risky, but thats sort of a running theme for her character honestly. Through this research, Myriam learns about Reapers, and becomes interested in them.

One night, she actually meets one: Matthew (the reason she can see him is because she's a Seer, aka can see Spirits & shit). After fangirling(?) for a bit, she begs him to teach her Necromancy. Hesitantly, Matt agrees. At this point in time he's really timid & anxious, so even though he's technically not supposed to be talking to the living, he kind of likes Myriam anyway.

So the two work together: Myriam learns about Reapers & death, Matthew gets a friend, all is good. Well, really not, because nobody can see Matthew & Myriam is acting pretty....odd. Not enough to be accused of witchcraft just yet (tho people are definitely going "hhmmm" u know?) but enough for townsfolk, especially Emory, to get suspicious.

Why does Emory care so much? Myriam often hangs out with a girl named Delilah, who happens to be his sister. So, basically, he was just trying to look out for his baby sister. Time skipping a bit, Emory sees Myriam show Delilah how to bring a cat back to life. He confronts them, it doesn't go well so he heads over to his boss Richard like "yo wtf do I do I still have 0 knowledge / experience with magic" & Richards like "uhm. Tell the town??? Kill her????" So yeah Emory heads back to town but is stopped by Myriam.

She begs him not to tell, but it's too late, he's made up his mind & while he would probably be more forgiving if it was any other type of magic, Necromancy was just....too much. He calls her a monster, and implies that anything she brings back to life will just suffer until their dead again. Myriam, however, takes this as a challenge. She kills the cat from earlier, takes Emory's Soul from his body & puts it into the cat. She also curses him to never die / immortality. So, yeah. Way to twist his words, witch.

But thats not all! Myriam heads back to town, thinking everything has been taken care of. Unfortunately, Richard also knows she's a witch, and once he sees Emory's dead body, he knows what she's done & tells everyone. Double unfortunate, this means that Delilah is also killed due to conspirating with a witch. So they both die, Delilah drowning & Myriam being burned alive.

Wait! Where's Matthew? I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!! He witnesses Myriam's dead & something in him just breaks. He can't live without her, he just loves her too much. So he breaks even more rules by turning her into a Poltergeist. Myriam, fueled by anger, starts terrorizing the town & quickly earns a new nickname: Bloody Mary. Matthew also changes his name to Macbeth (fuckin Shakespeare nerd). They've both been rude & uncaring every since. Over the years the two talk / interact but not enough to ever.....get closure? reconcile? Nothings mended between them until much much later.

AS FOR EMORY......Richard found his New Cat Body (idk how — probably some weird vampire logic or just....saw a cat acting weird & talking). He catches Emory up on what happened, which sends him into a depression as all he wanted to do was protect his sister, which he failed at. Fortunately (sort of), Delilah's a Ghost, and Richard let her confused self stay at RoseWood Manor. Mary also stays there, haunting the mirrors (i think i mentioned that in my RoseWood Manor post). The 3 of them don't really talk to each other that much, though Emory & Myriam argued a lot during the first few...years or so.

Over the years Emory & Richard tried to reverse the spell Myriam did, but nothing worked & eventually Emory's Human Body rotted away so........he's stuck as a cat forever........yeah ok idk why I'm so shocked this ended up dark that was kinda the whole point lmao.

To end on a slightly positive note: Emory did learn a lot, and I mean a LOT about Zaryis & Magic & all sorts of things. Him being a cat meant he had....a considerable amount of time on his hands, so he threw himself into studying everything there is to know about Arcadia. That's why he seems to have the answer for everything & anything nowadays!

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[emilyjunk]

hi im sad do you have an hcs about bemily meeting at an ice cream shop?

during beca’s senior year of high school her dad makes her get a job and the only place hiring is fucking baskin robbins so... beca starts working at baskin robbins

she hates it obviously... people suck and they’re always dropping their ice cream and she has to clean it up ://///

also sometimes people come in and get like twelve samples and then end up picking vanilla and becas like wtf why??? vanilla is the most boring flavor on the whole dumb menu????

anyway the WORST is when they get HUUUUGE groups coming in like after sporting events and things... it’s so busy and chaotic

the second worst thing is when she sees people from school because that’s embarrassing. beca always pretends she doesn’t know them.

the ultra worst thing is when people from school are in a huge group

and thats what happens every fucking saturday afternoon

this huge group of girls from school comes in after their soccer game. every saturday without fail. they’re obnoxious and always make a mess and never can decide what they want

and beca like, totally doesnt even like any of them because jocks are so lame? theyre dumb and usually dicks. the soccer girls aren’t the worst but they also arent that great

so one day beca is stressing because the soccer girls are gossipping in line and becas just fucking standing there waiting for them to pick an ice cream flavor and her shift isnt over for another hour so everything just sucks... and then... then it doesnt suck so much. bc then one of the girls is like “hey guys... let’s order and take this outside so we dont hold up the line!” and she gives beca a knowing smile... so pretty and soft and empathetic

beca recognizes her, but isn’t one hundred percent sure of her name. she’s in the grade under beca, about to be a junior, and they’ve never had a class together. but beca recognizes her face from the halls.

beca decides this girl doesnt completely suck. at least as much as the others. 

after that, beca starts seeing her around all the time. she sees her in the halls at school, talking with friends at her locker. she sees her saturdays after soccer games at baskin robbins. she even sees her once at the movies when her stupid neighbor jesse drags her along to the newest superhero flick

it gets to the point where beca randomly thinks about this girl she doesnt know on and off throughout the day, and it makes her roll her eyes at herself but whatever. the girl is nice and she’s pretty and beca’s never had a gf, but she knows she really likes girls, and so just... whatever. she can think about people in her head alright? it doesnt mean anything!

“look,” cynthia rose says when the soccer girls come every saturday. “it’s beca’s crushtomer.”

“my what?” beca asks the first time this happens.

“crushtomer,” tssks her manager aubrey. “it’s when you have a crush on one of your regulars. and it’s obviously unprofessional beca.”

“she’s not my... crushtomer.”

“please. we can see your custoner from space.” beca stares and aubrey rolls her eyes. “customer boner. obviously.”

“you guys are weird.” beca scoffs.

but then the girl’s ordering and becas smiling... yeah... smiling wtf... as she scoops vanilla ice cream onto a waffle cone and god fucking dammit... she totally has a crushtomer.

alright so whatever beca has it bad for this customer but it’s whatever. she doesn’t even know the girl’s nam-

“emily!”

the girl whips her head around as her teammate comes jogging up to her and fine!!! beca knows her name.

it wouldn’t be that crazy or anything, until one time at school in the hall they make eye contact and emily is like “hey beca” and beca totally freezes.

“uh. hi emily. you, like, know my name?”

emily tilts her head to the side, her cheeks a pretty pink. “oh. yeah... i mean ive seen your nametag at baskin robbins.”

“oh.”

“i just thought i’d say hi.”

beca never thought they’d speak outside of the obligatory ice cream order and cash exchange so she’s not really sure what to do next in this situation. “uh. hi. but uh..... gotta get to class so um. bye?”

emily laughs, so cute and nice. “okay. see you around.”

and then beca is walking away and hearing giggles behind her as chloe beale whispers something in emilys ear and emily swats at her playfully. becas pretty sure she’s being laughed at, but she books it out of there too quick to care.

the next saturday, beca hates to admit it, but she’s kind of looking forward to seeing the soccer girls. it’s NOT because of her crushtomer though, okay? it’s because her shift is boring as fuck because it’s raining outside and nobody is coming in. so at least she’ll have something to do when they come

so beca waits in anticipation as her shift passes, the clock ticking down to her clock-out time... and they never come. beca finds herself almost disappointed to get off work... then she shakes out of it. fuck work. wtf?

the next saturday, beca initiates her very first small talk with emily. “so, you guys didnt come in last week. it was weird not seeing you.”

“oh,” emily pouts. “our game got rained out.” then she tilts her head, looking at beca curiously. “aw, did you miss us?” she teases.

beca snorts. “no.”

“Just me then right?”

and beca knows she’s teasing, but she feels the heat of it in her soul... and she blushes. “very funny.”

emily laughs, so bright and bubbly, the kind of laugh beca would normally hate. but she doesn’t. god she doesn’t.

emilys teammates have already all paid and taken their cones outside and it’s just beca and emily there at the register. plus CR down the counter mopping the floor but whatever, she has headphones in as she cleans so it may as well just be beca and emily okay?

“anyway.” beca says, clearing her throat. “that’s uh. $3.49.”

emily freezes, her eyes widening. she looks down at herself, pats her thighs where her pockets would be if soccer uniforms had pockets. 

“shoot,” she whispers, looking around helplessly. “one sec i forgot my wallet in my car i gotta go grab it.”

“oh,” beca says. “no, it’s cool, it’s uh... on me.”

“what? no, it’s okay. i can go get it.”

“no,” beca says, already putting her employee numbers into the register. “we get free ice cream every shift and i uh... don’t need it. so you can just use my free one. it’s cool.”

emily beams at her. “wow that’s so nice. oh my god.”

“it’s nothing, no problem.”

“no, i have to make it up to you now.”

“that’s really not necessary.”

“beca.”

“emily.”

“let me.”

beca hesitates but emily is giving her this look like a fucking puppy, all cute and persuasive. “...alright... how?”

“are you working tomorrow?”

“um no?”

“let me buy you lunch.”

beca blinks. “this was literally 3 dollars. you wanna go to like mcdonalds or something?”

emily laughs. “no i think i can afford more than the dollar menu. consider it interest.”

“what the hell? what is this? wolf of wall street?”

“oh my god beca.” emily grins. “im trying to hang out with you.”

beca stares. “hang out... with me?”

“yeah? like friends?”

“oh.”

“so...?” emily leans forward, her long ponytail swishing over her shoulder. “lunch tomorrow?”

“uh... yeah okay.”

emily gives beca her phone and beca inputs her number in some kind of daze. 

it’s not a date, beca reminds herself all during the lunch. even if emily pays and holds doors for her and is super touchy feely. it’s a friend thing. it’s just hard because they really get along. beca wasnt sure they would, because emily is smiley and nice and into sports. beca is surly and rude and fakes sick to escape gym every other week. 

but they do get along. they get along great... emily is into music and beca shows emily the mashups she makes in her free time and they bond over bands they like and beca learns emily plays like 5 different instruments.

emily is also funny, in a weird way, and her smile makes beca’s heart do weird things that hearts probably shouldn’t do.

after, emily gives her a hug and beca totally isnt a hug person but it’s the best hug she’s ever had and emily smells good, like scented girly lotion.

after that, they’re kind of friends for real. they hang out sometimes, and beca teases emily about her ice cream order (vanilla... the most boring flavor on the menu), and she even drags jesse to one of the girls’ soccer games and they text here and there, sending song recs back and forth. once emily sends beca a recording of her playing the guitar and beca swears she falls in love a little with emily’s singing voice. 

so yeah, they’re friends. then one day ... everything changes

becas just getting off her shift at baskin robbins and the soccer girls are hanging out at the tables outside, chatting and enjoying their ice cream. beca waves at emily as she walks to her car.

“beca, wait!”

emily jogs up and beca has to pretend she doesn’t think emily’s athleticism isnt the hottest thing she’s ever seen. they’re friends, she reminds herself. friends, beca. friends.

“sup?”

she throws her work bag in the back and shuts the door, turning to look at emily.

emily has a strange expression on her face. almost nervous. which is weird because emily is outgoing and friendly and talking to people doesnt really make her nervous.

“um, so.” emily glances behind her and beca peeks over her shoulder to see all the other soccer girls staring at them. emily frowns, pulling beca to the other side of her car by the arm so they’re out of view. “can i ask you something?”

“uh... sure dude?”

“what’s a crushtomer?”

beca literally almost dies on the spot. “what?”

“a crushtomer.” emily blushes, her fingers tugging at her ponytail nervously.

“oh. um. it’s like......... it’s stupid really, just some made up term thats like when a worker has a crush on one of their regulars, you know? it’s totally lame.”

“huh.” emily nods, her lips twisting. “so like, if i accidentally heard cynthia rose say im your crushtomer, then..............?”

beca really wishes she could crawl in a hole and die. “oh. you... you heard that.”

“yeah.”

“it’s just like... i mean.. we’re friends and stuff,” beca stammers. “you know, they know we’re like... fond of each other or something.”

“i see.” emily tilts her head to the side, looking beca up and down. “so it’s just a friend thing.”

“um i mean, well--”

“because like, say i didn’t want it to be a friend thing. say i wanted it to be a crush thing, like what would that mean?”

beca nearly stops breathing. “what?”

“like say maybe i think you’re cute and i like being your friend, but maybe i also have... once or twice thought about being more than friends and i dont know if you even like girls or anything and if you dont im really sorry like sooooooo sorry for making it awkward but it’s just i overheard that and i thought well just... what if it wasnt a friend thing but a real crush thing and just...” emily blushes cutely, glancing away quickly before looking back at beca. “the term is CRUSHtomer i mean it implies a romantic crush, i don’t know how to make this clearer so please just shut me up now”

“okay just... wait,” beca says, her heart going a mile a second in her chest. “You want to be my crushtomer. in a liking girls romantic way type of thing?”

“i mean...” emily shrugs. “only if you mean it that way. otherwise forgetting about this would be amazing and we could still be friends because i... i really like being your friend.”

“yes,” beca interrupts as emily opens her mouth to keep going. “no god yes. it’s stupid. crushtomer is stupid okay but yeah fine you’re my crushtomer. like... in a crush way. it’s a stupid term.”

emily stares at her for the briefest of seconds. then her face breaks open in the widest smile beca’s ever seen. “i think it’s cute.”

“it’s dumb” beca snorts.

“you wanna like, go out then?”

beca’s whole body is warm. “yeah. that’d be... cool.”

“hm.” emily is so smiley it kills. she scrunches her nose at beca. “i mean i kinda feel like we already were going out. i mean, you showed me your mixes,” she teases. “so romantic.”

“kay,” beca rolls her eyes, but she can’t stop smiling. “whatever. cant believe im gonna go out with a jock.”

emily laughs, her hand coming out to grip the top of beca’s car and effectively sandwiching beca in. “you ever kiss a jock before?”

“no,” beca murmurs, trying to keep her voice from squeaking, but emily is like, really close and holy shit she’s so pretty oh man... 

“you want to?”

beca’s breath gets caught in her throat. “yeah.”

all beca can think when they kiss is that emily tastes like ice cream and for the first time in her life, beca maybe just maybe thinks vanilla might be the most exciting flavor on the menu

[unproduciblesmackdown]

this one for the special club of ppl who have no friends

idk abt yall but even for myself im not sure exactly how long it took me to work out that i was & had been more isolated than the avg person over my life & realizing that the feeling i had since ever being around a group of ppl (preschool) that i couldnt fit in or have more than like, one friend that was mostly defined as “wanted to actually play together at recess or smthing”, was just actually generally true. idk what it is but you know what its like when ppl have some tendency to ignore you. or quietly gain contempt for you because they think you’re weird, which i havent known to stop being true between like 10 yr olds & ppl in their 20s. when ur being talked over even in a group you’re supposed to be in and its like listen. what is going on that this happens so much

anyways when you have no friends its always wild when anyone does show up and actually act like a friend more than like once & show the slightest interest in you as a person. for me though i did have to learn to just not care as much when this happens because its like the sheer math of it all yknow. a person who is used to having like, a more avg number of friends across life is gonna make a friend and be like “oh man awesome” but on the other end of things when u have only a handful of friends and/or little access to friends &/or no close friends, getting a new friend seems way more significant because its like wow this is only 1/18 in my whole life or something. whereas for the other person you are 1/143 idek. not to say that each friend is less important to someone who has more of them. but it is less of a big deal to gain a new one, and a new person theyve just been talking to a bit IS going to be a less important friend

where this is going is just that, never having friends = everyone else being a big deal to you, but you arent a big deal 2 them....a lot of wondering why you always like ppl more than they like you. in my experience its not fun so, with the motivation to stop feeling terrible over that repeated revelation, and also figuring out that its because being so isolated / having few to no Reeeaalll Friends = valuing new friends way more than they value you, rather than just that everyone definitely hates you....i personally have tried to stop caring less about getting the opportunity to talk to new people.

thats not to say i dont enjoy it or value it or like the people i talk to.....i do enjoy it, im a social person in my own way, and i appreciate it when it happens b/c i dont consistently have conversations with anyone. i just don’t get excited abt a potential friendship or expect to ever reach what feels like a real & solid friendship w anyone. i have picked up a few ppl in the past like 5 yrs i do consider friends but its always taken a while to get there.

its kind of funny because like i said i AM kind of social & i do really care about people i get to grow a bit close to.......there is definitely plenty of ppl i dislike right away & have the opposite interest as being friends with them....but when i do like ppl, idk, i like to try to support them and be nice to them and be there for them in the usually tiny ways i can.....i love to talk to people actually. in person when im actually comfortable, i can actually come off a bit overly talkative....i can be energetic when i’m happy & i do have a lot to say about things sometimes but usually only in my head. even typing it out is difficult b/c i can only type so fast, especially with a phone. but in other situations i can have trouble actually getting my voice to come out at all, or i choose not to speak at all b/c i dont want to. or when im frustrated i dont want to talk for a moment but thats generally because there is no one around i want to talk to about it. i can talk abt something for hrs....and it is of course extra special to me b/c i dont get to be around ppl i like talking to them that often

idk and i like to do nice things for friends when i can......i dunno. i do like people. i can be pretty choosy about who i hang on to, i might only have a select group of friends even if i wasnt isolated; but still....theres a lot of people in the world. even being picky about it, you could have a huge friend group

little tangent i dont trust trying to make friends in groups at all really lol.....like even if you’re friends with someone who’s in a bigger friend group. i might cautiously give ppl a chance just b/c of the good endorsement but ive also had bad times w it. and often like, even ppl i all individually like, to be in a group w everyone is to realize that my way of socializing means im a lot of times off on the tangents and it just makes it clear that there’s a whole Thing going on in the middle that you’re not at all involved in. and then there’s ongoing Things that nobody lets you in on and its like alright i guess i’ll do my own thing that nobody’s interested in. idk and its happened that i’ll be in a group and again just like....not be even noticed physically and its like. feels great man

anyways i guess theres general things about Friendship that i feel i miss out on, on account of never experiencing it

like ive never felt like i had someone i’d tell anything to, not even collectively, like i have three Things to tell & maybe i cant tell anyone all three but i know three ppl i’d tell one of each to

ive also never quite felt like i’d always have someone to talk to just in general......or been in the situation where if i wanted to go out and do something w someone i knew i could find someone to go w me.....idk theres never been the feeling that i always had access to friends in any way. or like, ever had access to friends, most of the time at least

i also have no idea....when ppl talk about having longtime friends like known all their life im like wtf. ok. weirdo. ive had a friend for ten seconds

kind of a bummer b/c i think a lot of ppl consider College to be th easiest place to make friends...like before that you mostly have school friends and afterwards its like oh work friends but college you have a bit more mobility and different situations to meet people.....but post-college its supposedly just increasingly difficult to make new friends. and being more isolated makes it even more difficult as ppl tend to ostracize ppl for being lonely weirdos

im always lucky i get to talk on here tbh......it occurs to me it’s probably bad to feel completely unheard. because it frustrates me a lot at times to feel that way. even nowadays i dont really say anything about the stuff i think & dont ever find myself wanting to....im picky about who i really feel like having long or even short but actually genuine convos w like i said...............and idk its not that infrequent too for ppl to seem to not really care one way or the other or listen or even like it when i talk. i only wanna talk in situations i feel good talking obv lol....otherwise i’d rather stay quiet, but staying quiet is frustrating also. but i do it. but i can say things here at least even if i’m not actually talking aloud

i cant expect to ever have this mythical friend group or whatever.....i dont have Expectations like that. and in the meantime ive been lowkey for a few years just trying to lower my expectations even for ppl im just chill-ly talking to. its not that difficult nowadays, i get a bit pumped to just be talking, but i dont get Pumped Abt New Friends or anything. i know it doesnt work like that....and its not like i was ever like, wanting a blood oath after two conversations or anything like that. it just tends to mean more to you and then you find out you dont mean as much to anybody else really

oh but a good silver lining is that now i have better standards for ppl anyway, to be like “well it sucks that it turns out my connection w all these ppl wasnt that solid at all, but hang on now that i think of it do i even Like this or that person”

life is wild huh. back in preschool i thought something was wrong w me that nobody liked me & nowadays i dont care if they do or not. im doing my own thing over here & may be chillin in hell but at least, even if i’m sad i don’t exactly get to consistently interact w ppl, it only matters to me if i get the attention from ppl i genuinely like anyways. i could drop off the face of the planet & probably the biggest giveaway was that i had reblogged a joke in a few days but wtf does that matter anyway. some of us got to be on the tangents still w no friends. not because its necessary but b/c it happens and it has to be someone, might as well be me or you. it happens to be me, thats for sure

[skylertothelimit]

Day 1! Okay so it is Day 1 of my Life Wellness plan and this week I am starting a meal plan and Insanity. My meal plan I did not do on sunday but I get up crazy early and make food then. I don’t want to put mustard on bread or spinach out touching meats for days at a time. I would rather just make it fresh every day I think. I made most of the food but I just don’t put it together until the mornings. I woke up at 4:30 today, went downstairs and passed out watching Master of None until about 6:00 and then made food for the day and went to work and didnt workout lol. I got home from work around 5pm and I worked out them tho. I knew today was the Fit Test and I knew I only needed 30 minutes or so. So day on on the Fit Test for Insanity here are my results.... 1. Switch Kicks - 51 2. Power Jacks - 35 3. Power Knees - 65 4. Power Jumps - 21 5. Globe Jumps - 9 6. Suicide Jumps - 10 7. Push-Up Jacks - 15 8. Low Plank Obliques - 18 I also put up my before photo... ewww lol. I better do insanity now that I poster that lol. I am nervous about the following days/weeks. launching a whole new staff at a store with no experienced reps and we must maintain out high sales goals which so far we are good but its because I live at the store. I am scheduled 68 hours this week WTF!! lol... I guess its not that bad but while doing this I am nervous to miss a couple days or something. I also have had some personal things come in my life and turned my thinking upside down. Past coming back to test me and I am failing horribly. I am being very vague on purpose but I just don’t feel like I know a single thing for certain anymore. I am sick of this 9-5, taxes, credit conscious, financially social, white picket fence bull shiz... Thats what everybody does... I don’t like life the way most everybody lives it. I don’t need certainties I don’t need steadiness I don’t need all this social pressure and anxiety I get to feel the need to make good money, have a good savings and investment portfolio and have a retirement plan and I don’t know if that means anything to me yet I spend all of my life towards that goal... I have had a couple regrets in life, some big ones that make me feel like life will never be felt in certain ways again. A forever dead spot... I have an emptiness inside me that nothing can fill. I have the most amazing wife, she is everything I could ever want in a wife plus like a million things more but she can’t help fill this hole that was created by witnessing many friends die bad deaths and go to prison for the rest of their lives and friends turning on eachother over spare change... I had an x girlfriend kill themselves and I reached out to this other friend who was my best friend for over 10 years started ignoring me after she got a boyfriend and didnt talk to me for almost 3 years without even a hello after 10+ years of hours and hours or conversations Thats a LONG time to stay connected with somebody and still love them in their life... Almost felt like killing myself I felt so betrayed and unloved and scared and pathetic and I realized I was a nobody and meant nothing in the grand scheme of things... I was in Utah with NO friends because I just moved here and had my license taken away due to a 6 year old speeding ticket and I felt like nobody cared... it was rough... then my wife came along and has been trying to pick me up ever since. That was 3 years ago... I owe her so much and she is WAY too good for me and I for reals don’t deserve the happiness she gives me. I am a piece of shit compared to her and I don’t understand why she loves me... I am very lucky... I deserved death and jail and a shitty life. I really did guys... I was evil for many years and embraced it and didnt care... it takes a special piece of shit to do that... Anyways, I guess I am saying all of this because I don’t want to fell that anymore and this blog is me expressing myself to hopefully get out of that dark hole... and... Feel like I did when I was a kid going to disneyland for the first time again! :D Anyways... I got lost again talking... this is why I don’t do videos. I have no direction in my posts haha... In any case. I will post my progress on day 2 tomorrow. So far I have stuck to the meal and workout plan :P

[theresia]

when i first technically started my reread back in january i typed up summaries of each chapter as i went, making note of things i thought were particularly interesting.  gonna put them here under a cut and honestly probably continue takin notes, as it rlly helps to have something to go back and reread exactly what happened when LOL

BERSERK

CHAPTER BY CHAPTER NOTES

“1″: BEGIN BLACK SWORDSMAN

Guts is fucking a demon lady.  Demon lady moves to kill, but Guts blows her head off.  

The men of Koka Castle are harassing Puck, who’s tied up.  They’re throwing knives at him in a bar.  All the bar people are put off, but do nothing, because “nobody can touch the men of Koka Castle”

Guts thinks that’s BS and shoots them all up w his arrows.  He tells the lackies to tell the Koka Castle dude that the “Black Swordsman has come”.  He then proceeds to cut ppl the fuck up w Dragonslayer

HEAP OF RAW IRON STATEMENT 1

Puck follows Guts out, kinda peeved that Guts didn’t help him more.  Guts slaps him away, as per usual Guts

Guts is taken captive by a bunch of guards and is cut up in a dungeon for a lil while.  (He doesn’t make a sound.)  The Lord Mayor pauses the whipping.  He tells Guts that because he murdered the men the town will probably be fucking demolished.  “You have no idea how horrible the leader of those men is … no one can kill him… at least, not anyone human.”  Guts is like “ya so thats why u made a deal w him right?  thats why ur feeding him wagons of women and children?”  The Lord Mayor is like fuck u and has the big guy continue torturing him.

The Snakey Dude is informed of Guts.  He gets kinda excited

The Lord Mayor goes to beg forgiveness from the Snakey Dude.  It does Not go well.

Cut to Guts unable to move in the dungeon.  THERE’S DEMON FETUS!  Guts is freaked the fuck out and fetus cries and squiggles away.  Now it’s Puck’s turn.  He’s got the keys.  Guts has is usual rant about not wanting to be touched, but Puck convinces him and uses his fairy dust to heal Guts.

Fairies have a strong sense of duty and a lot of powers.  They can sense emotional energies.

Puck asks about Guts’s brand, which he does not take kindly to.  Guts is chill about being imprisoned tho - he’s ok with the castle dudes coming to kill him burning down the whole town.  He’s gonna kill Snakey Dude and as long as he does, that’s all he cares about.

Puck is rlly upset by Guts’s weaklings-should-die-perspective n leaves Guts in the cellar.  Guts self harms? He scratches his arm? And then his brand lets him know demons are on the way.  He freakily licks the blood off his own fingers.

Rampage of the Snakey Dude time!  He’s drinking blood straight from the child!  Guts pops out from under a pile of bodies and starts shootin up the swarm.

“To think that a mere mortal can oppose us isn’t anything but folly!!”

Guts gets bodyslammed by Snakey Dude’s tail.  Realistically Guts would die here

Guts blasts Snakey Dude’s head off and cleaves him in half.  Snakey Dude doesn’t know where the Godhand is so Guts leaves him to burn.

Puck watches Guts walk away through the burning city.

“2″

Puck finds Guts again with the help of a white bird.  Puck says he wants to join Guts on his journey because all the monsters and shit are interesting, but Guts has another one of his “weaklings should die” tangents.  Guts leaves Puck in the dust.

It’s raining and Guts is walking down the road.  That Old Guy and his Daughter roll up in their carriage and invite him aboard. He tells them its a bad idea but they’re like “We’ve got God so we’ll be ok” so he’s like “fine w/e”.  Puck is there

They talk about Guts’s sword and shit.  “I use it for my cooking” Guts says.

Talk about mercenaries and living by the sword.  Old Guy finds it distasteful and talks about his dead nephew.  Guts thinks that even though he’s dead, he died doing what he wanted, so he was probably happy.

Guts goes to sleep.  He has a dream about running through a corridor with high walls… the ground is watery… he’s being chased.  He’s balls nude.  He steps on a spike and empales his foot - and a huge Fetus child looms over him. He screams.

He awakes.  An incubus is giving him bad dreams and feeding off his energy.

His brand alerts him to the fact that there are definitely shittons of demons all over the fucking place.  The skeleton guys.  Colette gets stabbed bcause she cares for horses too much

While Guts is busy fucking up a bunch of skeletons, Colette’s body is possessed and she beheads her dad.  Guts is shocked by this young girl…’s body.  She stabs Guts.  Guts plays baseball with her torso.

Puck is very upset and cries while Guts fights the skellies until dawn.

They look at Colette’s body.  Puck tells Guts it’s not his fault, and Guts busts a gut.  Cue Guts being a dick

Voices start to speak to them… claiming ownership of Guts and his body… and his heart.  Guts shoots the air.

“This is the world Guts lives in…” Puck remarks to himself… and follows Guts.

“3″

opens with the beheading of a lady.  The Lord Mayor is trying to appease Slug Guy.  

Guts PICKS UP THE HEAD and looks at it wtf Guts??  The brother of the lady beheaded cries and makes a scene while guards harass him.  A guard asks Guts for the head and Guts spits in his face.  Guts throws the head at Slug Guy and he catches it.  The severed head has a brand on it.

Slug Guy takes this as a declaration of war and crushes the head. Guts wanders off but is pursued by soldiers who say some shit about heretics.  Guts slices n dices when they make a move at him.

Puck shows up again to help Guts out.  Just after, Lord Zondark threatens to bust up Guts’s sword with his war hammer but Guts has soo been through this shit before.  He busts Zondark’s helmet off, leaving his face pierced with all kinds of shrapnel.  Guts presses his face into the ground by stepping on his head. He kicks him in the face and wanders off, leaving the mutilated Zondark to cry “kill him!  Kill him!”

Guts follows the Ugly Old Guy into his cellar of wonders.  When the old guy asks him questions, Guts shoves him to the ground.  Guts asks the questions.  It comes to light that the nasty old man is missing a leg and like half his face…because apparently mr Sluggo ate them…  and also Old Man has a behelit in his cellar!

“4″

Guts starts to choke out the old fucker, but he’s like “it’s not my behelit!  I stole it from the count!”

The ugly fuck’s name is VARGAS.  He explains how the Count used to just be a rude fucker, but ever since he got the behelit 7 years ago he’s downright nasty - his inquisition of heretics is just an excuse to gather up more bodies to torture and fuck and eat.  he ate Vargas’s wife and sons, and also half his face.  Vargas took a drug to fake his own death and slipped out of the castle with the behelit.  

Guts explains what a behelit is!  “a key that opens a portal to another world that overlaps with their own… it summons demons from that world that have been manipulating the dark side of human history since ancient times.  The Godhand.”

Back to Lord Zondark, who’s losin his mind with his fucked up face.  Sluggo comes in and tells everyone to get lost and leave Zondark (who’s bashing his head against a pillar) and he alone.

Sluggo tongues his Daemon into Zondark.  Sluggo tells Zondark that it’s time for him to enact his revenge..

Cut to Puck who’s studying Vargas’s behelit.  Guts berates Puck for calling it art and tells him that it’s a living tool, but he doesn’t know how it works.

Guts asks where Sluggo got the behelit - apparently from travelling merchants years back who knew nothing about it themselves, but thought it came from the east.

Vargas tells Guts to take a secret entrance into the castle and avenge him, but he makes the mistake of touching Guts, which Guts SHITS over.  He says he looks like a monster etc etc, Puck gets mad - but Vargas says as long as Guts kills Count Sluggo, he doesn’t care.

Just then, Zondark busts in!!  Guts gets busted up too.  Guts immediately understands that he’s not human anymore.  He slices one of Zondark’s arms off… but it immediately starts to regrow.  Zondark starts to whip his axe around so fast it can’t be seen… but Guts still manages to block every blow.  Guts moves to strike and cuts off Zondark’s OTHER arm, and a large part of his head.

Sluggo’s Daemon crawls out of the skull hole.  He gives a little speech about how great Guts is, but he’s only mortal, so he’s fucked.  Then Slugdark gets crushed by rubble anyway.  Guts, Puck, and Vargas escape.  Guts demands the behelit and then just, leaves.

Puck feels bad and tells Vargas that it’s important to keep living.  He tells him that living for the future is more important than trying to avenge the past.

Puck leaves, and then an eely arm slithers out of some water and grabs Vargas.  Eyes in the darkness.

Puck is mad at Guts for being mean, as always.  Guts says allying with the maggoty creep would just lead to his own demise.  Same w Puck.

There’s word that there’s going to be another execution as a warning.  Puck flies off.  Guts thinks on how Vargas talked about how Sluggo took his eye… took his wife and sons… how he was nothing but a prisoner of fear.  Guts gets so emo he punches some bricks out of a wall.

Vargas is going to be executed.  Sluggo figures that Guts has the behelit.  Puck is trying to figure out how to stop the execution.  He sees Guts and gets excited!!  But Guts only came to watch him die.

They have a long dialogue about Guts and his motivations and why he’s such a horrible asshole.  Puck thinks Guts is actually just afraid, afraid of admitting he’s fighting a losing fight too, that he came for a better reason.  Guts threatens him and he flies off.

Guts questions whether or not he should feel compassion.

Puck tries to interrupt the execution himself.  He fails.  Vargas makes a call for the Black Swordsman to kill Sluggo and hold up his head before them all.  Vargas is beheaded.

Guts slips away, making sick sounds.  He sees… fetus child.  With Vargas’s “face”.  He is, of course, freaked the fuck out.  He thinks on Vargas’s dying words.

Sluggo is thinking on Guts’s absence.

Some dudes are out in the night tossing Vargas’s body on the corpse pile.  Guts shows up and kills both of them, telling Vargas’s lifeless head that he won’t fail like he did.

Being out at night at a corpse pile of those executed isn’t a good idea, as Guts learns.  He gets possessed by an angry spirit, because of course.  However, he steels himself and falls to the ground.  He refuses to have anything in common with deadass spirits, even revenge.  He’s gonna kill the Count Sluggo with his very own flesh and blood.

“5″

Puck is being held captive by Sluggo.  He’s crying about Vargas - he feels guilty that he couldn’t save him.  He imagines his fate where he’ll be put in a cake.  

Puck is presented to a mysterious pretty girl.  She’s Sluggo’s kid!  Puck is a gift to her, Theresia.  Sluggo tries to touch Theresia and she shudders and shrieks. Sluggo is very put off and in a horrible mood after his own kid recoils from him.

Slugdark slithers up to Guts.  He is back and more slug than ever.  Guts remarks on his beauty.  He pumps Slugdark full of arrows.  Slugdark whips his arms around a lot but Guts dodges.  Guts moves to strike and cuts Slugdark up.  He thinks he’s won - but Slugdark’s tendrils come back with a vengeance.  Slugdark makes some comment about how Guts can’t kill him unless he cuts off his head - and in the very next move, the head has been severed.

The half-head clings to Dragonslayer, trendril-ing its way up it towards Guts, attempting to feed off of him.  Guts flattens it between a brick wall and Dragonslayer.

The dying head whispers that the remainder, Sluggo, is waiting for Guts upstairs.  Guts is weak and weary from bloodloss - but he pledges to trudge on until he kills Sluggo.

Back to Puck and Theresia in the castle.  Theresia tells puck that she knows what it’s like to be caged and that Puck can come out.  She tells Puck how her mother died when she was but a baby, but that her father, Sluggo, told her it was a group of heretics that did it, sacrificing her alive.  She says that Sluggo may have been a tough ruler, but he was loved by all, even as a father… but then he got worse and started hunting down heretics like nothing else mattered - and now nothing else does matter, because it’s like he enjoys hurting people.  It’s like he’s not even a person.

Cut to Guts who has snuck into the castle.  The Lord Mayor is there with a ton of men who warn him that he’ll be killed if he moves any farther.  Guts tells them simply:  Move.

They try to shoot Guts up but he blocks with Dragonslayer.  They try to stop him and he cleaves em to bits.  Even Gerico, who’s supposed to be tougher than Zondark, gets DEAD.  Guts busts him right through a stone pillar.  Guts is left alone with the Lord Mayor.

Cut to Puck and Theresia, who are totally buddies now.  She asks Puck what it’s like to fly.  Puck can’t tell her because it’s a normal thing for him, nothing special. Theresia has apparently been locked up in that high room for seven years - Sluggo never lets her leave.  

There’s a commotion outside and Puck figures it’s Guts.  He tells Theresia he’s gotta go, she has a mini break down, and then regains her composure.  Puck says he’ll be back, and that next time, he’ll take her with!

Guts is in Sluggo’s chamber.  He approaches - and Sluggo’s actual body erupts from the ground.  He’s huge.

Puck doesn’t even know where Sluggo’s headquarters are, but finds out when rubble erupts away from a wall, revealing lots of Sluggo skin.  The simple act of becoming his true self is so powerful that the castle starts to crumble, allowing Theresia to slip outside her room.

Sluggo is fucking massive.  He’s doing all he can to crush Guts, but instead crushes the Lord Mayor, allowing Guts to get a hit off on him. He cuts off some eye stalks.

However, it’s a surface wound.  Sluggo goes on a mortality rant.  He grabs Guts and whips him around, hard enough to shatter stone.

When the chapter ends, Guts is like…. legit dead.

“6″

Chapter opens with Guts KO’d with Sluggo looming over him and Puck a ways off, shocked.  Puck swoops in and calls for Guts to get up, but Guts is OUT.

Sluggo mocks Guts for being a weak human, and Puck calls him out on the grounds that Sluggo himself was once a weak human, and that he’s just become a monster now to escape his own pain. Rats Theresia out.  A behelit falls on Puck’s head and he dashes off with it, to Sluggo’s great upsetness.  Sluggo takes Puck out with a rock, but before he can totally crush him, Theresia shows up.

Theresia is DISGUSTED by Sluggo.  She shrieks and cries and runs.  Sluggo also cries.  He is Very Upset.  His sadness is converted to anger almost immediately.  He’s gonna murder the fuck out of Puck.  

If not for Guts being somehow alive enough to combat Sluggo, Puck WOULD be dead!  But Guts is in fact still kicking.

Guts charges towards Sluggo, and Puck tells him not to be reckless and die, but Guts just smiles.

Guts takes more hits without death, somehow.  Before Sluggo can land a finishing blow, Guts grabs Theresia and shields himself with her.  He uses the momentary distraction to take a second to blast half of Sluggo’s face off.  His hand gets broken somehow?  So he just.  Wields Dragonslayer in his mouth.  Totally possible.  He beheads Sluggo like this.

Guts starts to cut up the severed head with a knife while Theresia watches.  

Theresia cries for Guts to stop.  Puck cries for Guts to stop.  Guts threatens Puck’s life if he tries to interfere.  He continues to mutilate Sluggo’s head as they watch, noting how he just won’t die.  Guts keeps going until he breaks the knife and Guts falls to the ground, spent.  

He sits himself up and laughs for a long while.

Sluggo’s bleeding out and pleas to not die… trigger the Behelit.  The group is sent to the hell-stairs dimension and the Godhand is there.

"7″

A vortex has opened over the castle in this town.  The Godhand is present.  Femto is jacked.

Guts is instantly triggered.  Femto mind-throws him to the ground.

Femto says some shit about Guts being pathetic.  He begins to turn away and Guts practically begs for his attention… but Femto does not spare it.  

The Godhand turns to Sluggo’s mutilated head.  He begs them to take Guts’s life in exchange for his own.  They tell him they can’t, because his desire is lacking any actual hatred for Guts.  He’s only afraid of death.  

Even though Guts has killed tons of apostles, it’s inconsequential to the Godhand.  They don’t give a shit about Guts.

Guts thinks this is just hilarious.  He gets up despite all his wounds (impressive to the Godhand) and has a go at Femto, who again says he’s nothing but a “squirming sacrificial offering”.

Guts can’t even get close to Femto.  The pain associated with his brand is way too strong, and he keels back over… but not before he swings his great sword.  Femto throws him across the room.  When Guts hits the wall, the rock crumbles.  Everyone assumes he’s dead.

However, the Godhand still won’t use Guts as Sluggo’s offering, because he’s already been offered, and Sluggo has no real ties to Guts.  Offerings must be someone very important.  Femto points to Theresia.

The Godhand exposes that Sluggo actually sacrificed his wife after discovering her in a Pagan orgy fucking a goat-headed god… after killing all of the people at the orgy.  He couldn’t kill his wife, however.  But he could sacrifice her when his despair activated the behelit.

POINT - those sacrificed… unable to take their lives by one’s own hand… the ones loved and hated the most… so that one can bury their fragile human heart.

The Godhand threatens to brand Theresia… and Guts asks Puck for him to heal his right arm.

"8″

opens with GRIFFTH pulling Guts out of a pile of bodies……

“Martyrdom for a merciless god.  What a waste.”

Griffith is giving Guts one of his token existential speeches.  Guts is like “… …”

Griffith tells Guts that he’s the first person he’s ever spoken to like this.  Guts thinks he’s beautiful.

Snap back to reality.  The Godhand is demanding Sluggo’s answer.  Guts continues to beckon Puck, who is torn.

The Godhand reminds Sluggo that even if he dies, he won’t rest in peace.  He’ll go straight to hell to disappear into the sea of other souls that get caught up with demonkind.

holy FUCK CONFIRMED that if Guts dies he goes to hell.  Puck looks at Guts and Guts is fearful of this realization.

The Godhand tells Sluggo that only two paths remain- hell or sacrifice.

Sluggo takes too long.  The dead and damned come for him… and Vargas is there to personally drag him down to hell.

Theresia cries and reaches out for her father, but it is in vain.  The dead grab at Guts, too.  Femto looks and turns away from him.  Guts manages to shoot his cannon arm at him.  Femto explodes the ball before it can reach him.  Guts watches as the Godhand departs.

Puck tries to go to Theresia, but she shrieks and cries.  Sluggo’s mutilated body is before her.  She wants to go back to her room.  She wishes she were dead.

Guts tells her to kill herself.

Puck slaps him.  Guts continues on, telling her that she’d probably go to heaven anyway, though both her parents are in hell.

Theresia considers slitting her wrist, but stone crumbles away beneath her before she can.  Guts offers his sword for her to grasp, and she does.  Her hands bleed.  Guts flings her back to safe ground.

Guts is emotionally impacted by his own actions.

Puck goes to heal Theresia’s wounds, but Theresia whips around to face Guts.  She projects all of her recent misfortune onto him.  She swears that one day, she will kill Guts.  Guts tells her he’s ready whenever she is and walks away… but really, he’s CRYING.  Iconic pepe look.

Puck sees he’s crying and Guts bats Puck away.

END BLACK SWORDSMAN ARC

[acklelantern]

excuse me while i rant under the text

There is just so much going on in my head right now that nothing is making sense I am just typing what i feel as i feel it. Nor am i editing any typos etc. bc this is just me typing like amaniac to get my feelings out ij hopes of feeling better

for a good 5 days I feel okay. Even happy. Almost high. And now that’s worn off and honestly I don’t know what to feel....at all. I go through my days faking my emotions and feelings because usually all I feel is fuckxing negative shit. I hate myself. I hate every fucking inch of myself. I will feel okay one day about my body and the next thin about killing myself over it. I hate my face, i hate my mental illness, i hate my body. I started to purge again for the first time in years. 2-5 times a day for 2 or 3 weeks And it’s getting scary because I can’t keep anything down without my mind wanting it to come back up. I want to cut so fucking badly. I want to rip apart my body until the skin on my arms are bloody and open. I can’t do anything right, I have a manager up my ass about everything at work to the point where I am beginning to question whether I am smart or not. Or if I am slow. She talks to me like I am a child, stupid, and slow. And always telling me how to do something when I ask one fucking question because im so scared of getting yelled at if I do something wrong. 

I am just over all done with everything. My emotions are faked, i feel like I have a shit blog and if I just disappeared nobody would care. Hell I feel like in my personal life I could go through with my thoughts and everybody would be so much better off with me gone. No matter how many times someone tells me they care and would be destroyed if I killed myself I still think they will be okay and better off. I am poison. I am fucking poison. I try so hard to be what people want or need but im just fucking notrhingf. IM FUCKING NOTHING AND THATS ALL: ILL EVER FUYCKING BE> . A waste of fucking space, a waste employee, i am 23 and I am scared of driving so I don’t even have a permit. Like how fuycking pathetic am I? WHAT USE AM I? WHY AM I EVEN FUCKINGF HERE!? I will never be fucking anything . im ugly, im useless,im worthlessim patheitc ands fat everyone is better than me. Why am I like this/ Why can’t i fucking do anything. 

I hate myself, and i hate hpow my mental illness has taken over mylife. I can’t even function like a normal person because my moods are so fucking extreme that even my bf thinks “wtf” when I am in moods. Like he’s said “thats fucked up” with ways i handle things. Like jfc. Im just a fucked upo person and I should just cut everyone off so then they will be happy. 

Everybody fucking leaves anyways. he’s going to leave. I know he can’t put up with me anymore. I hate myself. WHY CAN’T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?! I fucking hate myself. I ruin everything. Pathetic, pathetic pathetic, waste of space. Everyone would be better off if i cut them out of my life. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

I finished it. real real sad over John b macklemore not gonna lie. dude wasn't perfect like he was rough around the edges and kind of a dick but like. he was a troubled queer dude and I have a lot of sympathy for that like his love life... made me so sad and he fucking had mercury poisoning like fuck... and then his land just getting bought up by k3 lumber like I know Rita had some depth to her but fuck Rita for that in particular. also do you think Tyler found the gold? (1/ ?)

right like….i dont remember which episode it was but that they were kind of putting together the picture of john being this guy who’s life was centered around how aggressively he cared. like how pissed he gets that other ppl DONT care abt things, and his insistence that everyone sucks and needs to be better, like as self righteous and misguided as it could be, its still part of that intent where he wants to help people in the ways he thinks is necessary. like i think personally i couldnt have been patient enough to interact with him, and i mean it seems like thats kind of a theme lol…like it isnt like theres not a bunch of parts of him that are A Good Person & generous & caring and all, but on this interpersonal individual level and how he channeled things, it’s definitely not the best sometimes

like for one thing he seems like the kind of person who is overly self assured and has a really narrow perspective. like his immediate assumption about a person or situation is what he thinks of as immediately true. he’s got all these judgments he’s doling out, big and small. i couldnt have the patience for that for very long. and he still has a narrow perspective on some things obviously, like he wants a broad range of information but not necessarily other peoples experiences of analyses of things. and yknow still some white dude from alabama and his bigotry even if his “big picture” thoughts on things weren’t as awful as it was obvious was common in that town

like yknow it feels like olan sums up so many things abt john lol. like he recognized how much of a genius and how talented he was, and he never fully wrote him off although there was always shit that kept him from thinking abt being able to like, seriously be in a relationship with him. i feel like i really got what he was saying about how john wouldnt listen to him abt brokeback mtn being good or that he should see it lol coz im like. i get excited abt shit i really like & if someone waves that off or insults it i wouldnt forgive them, like theres so much of this over the top assurance in his own initial opinions and disregard for others’ that he wasnt gonna believe olan even though olan had seen it and john hadnt. and then that he finally did read the short story and liked it, like dude yeah some more of that. he’s got his own thoughts about everything but its like he feels too superior with them. and like he’s still right even if he makes friends mad, like it cant just be him or whatever.

like it wasnt just that he was weird or that he had weird interests or anything that struck me as why he was always so lonely lmao like not that im saying it was his fault or it was only One Thing, but those smaller issues of him could kinda be impossible to get past, but at the same time a lot of ppl seemed like they werent willing to cut him off entirely or write him off cuz of all the other shit about him, he really was like, so unusual in all these ways and clearly it wasnt like there was a shortage of conversation to be had with him

anyways yeah it seems really counterproductive that he was born where he was and couldnt get out. like, not fitting in at all at school, being like what sounds like someone would call bi but i doubt he’d’ve grown up w that kinda language available even if it wasnt shittown alabama—but it does sound like he preferred men and that it was such a bad place for that, like relationships couldnt even be a factor for anyone around there hardly b/c being openly together was hardly an option, one night trysts was all that was really relevant. but it was obvious he was always wanting to be with someone and he just didnt have a way to do that, and couldnt manage to really find anyone. it really is such a heavy subject to think of queer people just being in the wrong place and time to understand themselves and what they want and even if/when they do, not have access to it

uhh yeah one thing that made me the maddest abt tbe last ep was finding out k3 took the land. like how fuckin symbolic. and those shitty rich white supremacists who feel like they literally run the town, fuck them. i WAS never sure abt rita and charles coz like. the relatives who nobody’s seen hide nor hair of, suddenly turning up overnight and wanting to take over everything? thats textbook suspicious. and like sure they probably wouldnt know tyler but its weird they never seemed interested in like, even hearing him out that he mightve been close to john and ought to be involved. like it COULD all just be a misunderstanding between two distrustful parties but still

i mean its nice to know mary grace was getting better care it sounds like, but thats not exactly proof that all their intentions were good. i mean, the k3 thing was like, did you care abt what john wouldve wanted at all? coz he seems to have cared abt that land a lot. and definitely not cared for k3. and they werent ever much sympathetic abt the question of if john wanted tyler to have money. oh, and i hated her calling john’s suicide selfish, but i know unfortunately a lot of ppl do that and i hate whoever does it lol. but like one thing i couldnt get over was her wanting his freakin nipple rings. im like? for Sentimental Value???? you want his body’s nipple rings?????!!!!!!! which later when it was revealed that was probably this queerass sexual thing was just this whole other layer of ghjfhsvvgh

lorddd

the other suspicious thing on that end was johns list of contacts. that not everybody had been contacted. like, wtf happened there. maybe not some paid off conspiracy, but? still a pretty fuckin straightforward task that was ridiculously bungled

Aanyway lord the mercury poisoning angle at the end i was like !!!! fuck is this the new thread now!! cuz it had kind of been mentioned before yknow, the firegilding or whatever, and now he’s doing that all the time suddenly w/o protection or ventilation and im like holy shit. this guy is maybe one of the only people in the world who’s doing this and just poisoning himself via this ancient art, for this fuckin genius he has for clock repair. which is so specialized, like, this dude is probably one of the best in the world. but he’s doing his own thing and that doesnt involve not inhaling mercury. and the fact that he made his own cyanide which was also something used for the clocks, i’m like, these Parallels. this irony. how is this real

i honestly dont know about the gold!!! like, i really feel like he had some, for starters, but the fact people werent even sure if he was a millionaire or he was broke is wild. i was suspicious abt those gates in the crawlspaces, idk what they were for even if not treasure hunts. the maze just feels like so obvious, and the theory abt the doghouse too….and saying there mightve been gold in the freezer that was taken….man. i am not sure what to think. or if he left like honest treasure hunt clues or if it was just buried scattered around w no trail to follow. man. hearing that come up, like maybe this guy has a secret hidden treasure with clues? im like this is so unreal. but i could believe he really did