#nobody actually fucking deserved to be murdered in todays incident

[donovankinard]

hey hey hey im not a fan of trump (obviously) but!!!! nobody deserves to die at the hand of gun violence. nobody deserves to die at the hand of anyone else. nobody deserves to die on a public stage, nobody deserves to die at the hands of a political extremist. nobody deserves to be shot to death. not even the literal scum of the earth. nobody deserves to be murdered. and i cant believe that actually has to be said.

[piratejct]

* 𝐠𝐞𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐚𝐲, 𝐜𝐢𝐬-𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 + 𝐡𝐞 / 𝐡𝐢𝐦 | you know 𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐲 “𝐬𝐢𝐝” 𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐮, right? they’re 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐨𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 by 𝐨𝐡𝐢𝐨 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐫𝐬 like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐧𝐭’𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐤 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐲 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐬, 𝟐𝟎𝟎𝟎𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬, 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐨 thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is 𝐣𝐚𝐧𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝟏𝟔𝐭𝐡, so they’re a 𝐜𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐧, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

NAME: kassidy averescu  NICKNAME(S): sid. strictly sid  D.O.B: january 16th, 1996 AGE: 25 BIRTH PLACE: irving, north carolina  CURRENTLY RESIDING: irving, north carolina SEXUALITY: bi-curious, but we don’t talk about it  OCCUPATION: entitled twat / pesky lil crook 

tw: mentions of gangs, crime, drugs, weapons, attempted murder but not really. 

BACKSTORY: 

born and raised in irving, has lived in the same freakin’ mansion in aquila drive pretty much his whole life. serving you the full rich boy fantasy, except it’s all rotten. illegal as shit. his mother, who’s been pretty much an outlaw since she was in her early twenties, literally runs like a tiny little crime organization where she recruits family members and people she finds trustworthy enough to pull off heists and just... earn all that $$$ in ways that could get you seriously fucked if anyone ever found out. she’s quite powerful and.. frankly quite scary for a woman in her late fifties. truly knows how to get shit done. i mean.. she trained her kids to be semi successful young criminals, so.. that’s pretty badass of her. 

to be fair, though, he still had a childhood. he wasn’t, like, laundering money at the age of six. growing up, he obviously wasn’t exposed to a lot of illegal stuff. would get whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and didn’t even question it. thought for the longest time that his mother really was this successful business lady or whatever, and all the shady people in their living room past 10pm were just other company owners. 

never met his dad. guy’s been out of the picture since before his mother even knew she was pregnant. has few half-siblings, though none of them probably has the same father as their mom was never one for commitment. sid fully leaves the half part out when talking about them, because.. well, they all pretty much grew up together, so that makes them 100% siblings. 

he’s the only boyo in the family and uhh... sometimes it’s as if he believes he deserves special treatment because of it??? idk. 

did well enough in high school, got accepted to college in charlotte on a swimming scholarship even though the fam had more than enough money to pay for the studies. but, he was a good swimmer and.. it was recognized. he used to compete a little and even won a couple of times, but.. he still wanted more. started getting greedy. grew up getting everything handed to him, was the best on the high school swimming team so when he went off to college and met another guy who was maybe even slightly better?? oh, hello, he was not gonna take it. i think that was like the first time he felt properly jealous. threatened to shit. at that point in his life, he was aware of the stuff his mother had been pulling, having been involved a couple of times before. so, he thought he could just take the matter into his own hands and once before a competition, he crushed up a bunch of sleeping pills and had someone slip them into the dude’s gatorade. guy literally passed out in the water and almost drowned. to nobody’s surprise, the competition was put on hold and sid literally had the audacity to be like ??? what !! but he passed out, so .. how does that not mean i win??? 

anyways, the accomplice felt so horrible about this, they told on him and sid was obviously kicked out of uni. in fact, the whole situation was serious enough for people to want to take it even further (aka to court) but that’s where sid’s mom stepped in and did some of her ~ magic ~ to get her shit child, as well as the overall family name, out of trouble. she was so, so disappointed, though. like, wow, she went in on him, and he cried like a little bitch on the ride home. hasn’t spoken of this incident since, but if you bring it up, he’ll stick to the story the guy just passed out. not his fault. don’t hold it against him. <3 

has grown a lil since the incident. learned to be more careful when it comes to sabotage. now, he’ll smile to the opponents face, lose with grace, and afterwards get his revenge if he’s feeling petty enough. 80% of the time, he is. 

currently lives with the fam and is very involved in the whole.. heisting. gets a massive kick out of it, tbh. 

PERSONALITY: 

um, first of all, he’s absolutely unhinged. quite unpredictable. like, he’s not necessarily always ready to stab someone, but there are moments where he just does something and you’re like ??? oh my fucking god, please stop. literally, whenever he’d get angry abt something he’d go a little off the rails and maybe shoot the radio or the tv and his mom wld jst be like ... it’s okay, baby. go at it. i’ll let you shoot one object a week. whatever makes you feel better <3 so yea, in a way she... encouraged a lot of this behavior?? idk, i don’t wanna point fingers, but if she had let him.. not be a brat for a second, he wld maybe be a different person today. rip. 

restless. so fucking restless. and you know what does not help?! all the coke he does! and molly! and other shit that doesn’t do any good when your mind is already going hundred miles per minute. yum, yum. 

absolutely thrillseeker. he just wants to feel stuff. adrenaline rush 24/7. can somewhat contain himself enough not to mess up when on a job, but in his free time?? he’ll literally get someone to ram his head into a wall and freakin’ laugh abt it. it’s a mess. a riot. 

omg ... has the nasty tendency of handling weapons like they’re toys. will spontaneously do shit like a point a gun at you or put it in his mouth and be like ... yo yo yo. thinks it’s funny? i honestly don’t know what’s going thru his mind. 

because his thoughts move at the speed of light, he also tends to speak super fast when he’s all riled up abt something. also knows a bit of asl n ... its actually quite scary how fast he can sign along. 

doesn’t hold back. if he feels strongly abt something, he’ll prob voice his opinion. isn’t afraid to be like “i hate that guy and i don’t want him around” when the guy is literally stood there like ?? chill. i just came to get my copy of great gatsby ??

acts like he’s the shit. conceited prick. self-proclaimed big dick energy, but if u look closer, it reeks of insecurities. absolutely never point that out. 

genuinely offended when he can’t be the best/most skillful person in the room, esp if it it’s something he considers himself good at. has bit of a hard time admitting defeat. 

fr the most part, his bark seems bigger than his bite. has definitely tried resolving conflicts by going “mooooooom!!!!” at the age of twenty-fuckin’-five. manbaby realness. 

guess he can be bit of a fuckboi?? sleeps with a bunch of ladies while looking at boys from afar and going ..... *heavy sigh*. has had a crush on.. quite a few, but he’d rather eat his own hair than ever publicly admit to it. 

though, he’s by no means homophobic. jst ... a little unsure of his sexuality n it makes him a lil insecure. bt.. vulnerabilities and ... that sorta stuff?? pfft. not in his household. 

also . don’t call him kassidy. he won’t respond. unless you’re his mom. and you’re angry. then he might weep. 

WCS: 

um. i’ll make a list at some point maybe bt until then.... come punch him in the gut? <3 

[movedyoakkemae]

my thoughts on the en.deavour redemption arc (chs 164 - 302). DO NOT REBLOG.

DO NOT REBLOG !!

the endeavour redemption arc is a rather controversial arc in the manga, and, tl;dr: i think it started eh, continued badly, turned better, then ended like shit.

note: if you are anime only, this will contain spoilers ! trigger warnings: child abuse, domestic abuse, suicide, and murder.

here are the things we know: endeavour physically abused shōto, tōya, and rei. he ignored natsuo and fuyumi, and he discarded tōya once he realised that tōya got burnt through using his quirk. he also mentally and emotionally abused all of them. separated shōto from the rest of his siblings. not to mention the fact that he married rei on purpose in order to create the perfect tool that would become the number one hero in his stead. he thinks of his children as objects, as extensions of himself.

however, endeavour, not out of his own power but because of all might's lack of strength, ends up reaching the number one spot as a hero by himself. this kickstarts endeavour's "redemption" arc, particularly in chapter 164 when endeavour asks all might:

endeavour: you hear about this? how the crime rate this past month... is up 3% compared to past years? i... i'm the guy who resolved more incidents than anyone, now more than ever... but i can hear it. the thing you've built that cannot be seen... is crumbling down. so, #1 hero... what's it mean to be the symbol of peace? (ch 164)

in a lot of ways, this question is surprising to hear. as we can tell even in the question itself, endeavour's main area of focus has been about the amount of incidents that he has stopped, the amount of villains that he has defeated, but recognising that there was something missing, something that all might had built up, certainly shows an awareness that endeavour seemed to lack earlier.

in the next chapter, the conversation continues:

endeavour: i gave shōto everything. by age 20, i'd already climbed to the #2 position. it was because i made that climb that i understood... unless i reached the summit, it was all for nothing. if all i cared about were titles, i could've worn a smile like you... and played the part of the lovable fool. but i wanted to be the strongest! [...] all might: endeavor. the position you've been put in... i know what people are saying. a lot of people compare us. but you and i are different. the symbol i strove to be... that isn't the path for you to follow. take your time to figure out... ...the way you ought to do things. (ch 165)

again, we still see that hint of same sort of "all he cares about strength". being number one was all about being stronger than all might, which is why when he found it impossible for him, he went on to try to create something that could end up being stronger than both him and all might. that would be, after he beat it into shape.

also, the fact that he says "i gave shōto everything". (yeah, you gave the poor kid trauma if that's what you mean by "everything".) that's something some abusers routinely say about their children -- that they gave them everything, that they should be grateful.

at the end of the chapter, we see shōto warmly giving a little girl a small fire to put her hands next to when she was chilly, a smile on his face, and endeavour has a weird look as all might says:

all might: what purpose does our strength serve? endeavour... the answer is a simple one. (ch 165)

this is what sets the tone for endeavour's part of his conversation with shōto in the next chapter.

endeavour: i'm proud of you, son. on that note... i'm hoping to become a hero you can be proud of. as your father and the #1 hero... i want to be deserving of those titles. shōto: [clearly aggravated and tense] good luck with that... (ch 165)

inasa sees endeavour talking to shōto and notices how his eyes have changed from being cold and not looking at anyone around him to actually focusing on shōto. as such, the readers are basically hinted to see that endeavour has changed, even just a little, already. he's no longer just looking at all might as the summit he needs to climb; he's actually seeing the people around him.

now, this kickstarts endeavour's arc of thoughts that being a better #1 hero would mean that he would be a better father. this we especially see in the endeavour v. nomu arc.

i think the first interesting conversation we have about the endeavour's redemption arc is in chapter 187 with natsuo and fuyumi visiting rei in the hospital. natsuo says,

natsuo: about him... they made him number one yesterday. it's official. the world still doesn't know the truth about you [rei]. about our siblings... about how he's always treated his family. for one, he doesn't do the talk show circuit. i can barely remember most of it, really. thinking back, he was like a perfect stranger. but... what he did to you, to shōto, and to... [tōya/dabi] well, i can't let anyone pretend it all never happened. it's been almost ten years, and he still hasn't come to apologise to you. his past, his family... it's like he wants to leave it all behind. [...] rei: apparently he's [endeavour] come many times. though... we haven't met. i'm a bit scared though... and my doctor says it's not a good idea. of course, i can't say what he's thinking. it might be external pressures. but... he's not leaving anything behind. not his past. not his family. i know he's trying to make sense of it all. (ch 187)

he's also apparently been leaving rei flowers, flowers that she told him that were her favourite once when they met for the first time.

i actually think in this aspect, it's good that he hasn't actually seen rei or pushed himself onto seeing her. he's letting her take control of her own recovery (although, i will say it's pretty fucking telling that even after a decade, she's still scared of him). i'd argue that the flowers might be crossing the line, but it seems that rei thinks of them as a nice gesture, so i'm not going to argue about how that could be perceived negatively.

the battle between endeavour and the nomu gets serious, and endeavour nearly dies (which is broadcasted on TV for shōto to see, ofc).

in chapter 189, we see three different characters' thoughts on endeavour never giving up (some of it in particular directed towards his fight towards surpassing all might and being number one via strength alone).

natsuo: he knows better than anyone... that he'll never be the next all might! that's why he gave up so quickly... and basically went insane... abandoning the kids he didn't care for... and driving mom to the breaking point... [...] fuyumi: he never gave up. in fact, giving up is what he's worst at. [...] hawks: i was watching you this whole time. i get it. there was nobody else out there... really trying to surpass him [all might]. only you! you were the one working to surpass him. [manga showing endeavour building a small bridge over the chasm that metaphorically separates all might from the rest of the heroes] (ch 189).

i actually agree with fuyumi here more than anyone. endeavour marrying rei and creating his children wasn't because he was giving up (for one, he thinks of his children as extensions of himself...) but part of his way of trying to surpass all might. he also continued to work and get stronger himself, which he wouldn't have been doing if he had just given up.

that being said, i do agree with natsuo's description of their childhood, just not about it being because endeavour gave up.

also, from a narrative perspective, the shift of endeavour's obsession with surpassing all might being thought of as negative (from shōto's statements of it in the sports festival arc) to positive (you're the only one who actually tried!) through hawks point of view is... interesting. horikoshi is re-contextualising endeavour's obsession as a good thing, and that, in point, is done to soften endeavour's actions overall.

after all, if it's a good thing that endeavour was trying to surpass all might, then doesn't his actions against his family make a little bit more sense? doesn't that mean that he had good intentions, even if he did something bad?

(nope. not in my book.)

so, the next part of this arc happens in 192, where endeavour comes home from the hospital and after defeating the nomu with a huge scar on his face (the exact same side as shōto's!), and we get that beautifully passive aggressive "nasty scar you got there" from shōto while he's slurping up soba noodles.

and then natsuo tries to leave and this conversation starts:

endeavour: natsuo... if you got something to say, then say it. natsuo: say it...? that's rich, coming from a guy who's never even looked me in the eye. listen to this... i didn't know shōto loved soba until today. why? because you never let him play with us failed experiments. i get the feeling that mom and sis here want to forgive you, but all i see is the same maniac who, all of a sudden, is getting rave reviews. you might look like a changed man, but you're not. you abandoned us as failures, left us to hear mom's screams, shōto's cries. and big bro tōya too... you being the top hero and beating some big baddie can't erase any of that. did you decide to have a change of heart?! think we can just hug things out and make up?! it's sickening! don't you freaking get that?! endeavour: i'm trying to make amends, going forward. natsuo: is that so?! [leaves] (ch 192)

for one, god fucking bless natsuo. i think he fully encapsulates my issue with this part of the endeavour redemption arc, which is solidified by shōto's own speech:

shōto: as a hero, this endeavour guy... is pretty darn amazing. but it's like natsu said. i'm not ready to forgive you... for abusing mom. so, heroics aside, what sort of dad are you going to be? that's what i want to find out. sure, the perfect turning point can actually change someone. i know it's possible. (ch 192)

endeavour doesn't need to be a perfect hero to earn redemption from his family. hell, even when shōto hated endeavour the most, he could admit that endeavour was a great hero. maybe his reasons for being a hero was off, but he saved people, he stopped the bad guys. i think it's even canon that he's technically saved more people than all might.

the problem was never with "endeavour", it was with "todoroki enji". todoroki enji was a shit father who didn't give a shit about his kids aside from what he could use them for. he was too obsessed with defeating all might that he lost sight of his family -- which endeavour finally seems to realise after this little speech.

endeavour's thoughts: [having a flashback to all might saying "what purpose does our strength serve?"] power... a reason to dominate... when he told me that, it came to me in a flash. an ordinary, simple thought. "i have to safeguard the future for them." that's the job for whoever's on top! and yet... what about the futures i cut short? [image of rei in the midst of a mental breakdown] just demanding forgiveness isn't enough. it's too late for that. at this point, i need to atone... there's no other route. endeavour out loud: fuyumi, i'm sorry for everything. that was the wrong thing to say to natsuo. (ch 192)

we see actual growth in his character, him actually starting to learn what he should be focusing on rather than what he was focusing on. he still slips up, like with him trying to demand shōto's attention through texting with contact information that he only got because FUYUMI gave to him (ch 203), which i have my own issues with. as in, fuyumi better have asked shōto permission before giving endeavour his contact information because, if not, then holy fucking shit, that's so gross.

in the next part of the endeavour redemption arc, we have shōto in chapter 242 invite izuku and katsuki to join him with training at endeavour's hero agency.

we still see hints of endeavour only really thinking of shōto as an extension of his will and his beliefs when he asks izuku and katsuki in chapter 247 what they're working on and what they want to achieve. he starts to move in without even asking shōto, which shōto objects to in his own way.

endeavour: let's get to it -- shōto: [clears throat] and me? endeavour: you're here to master flashfire, shōto! shōto: all the quirk training you beat into me as a kid... i've put it into practise with my right side. thinking back, it's no wonder i couldn't escape my own hatred of you. then i got into u.a. competing alongside these two [izuku and katsuki]... and everyone else... really opened my eyes. endeavour... in the end... i'm going to do exactly what you always wanted. but please understand... the man i admire... is the one mom and i watched on the tv back then. [all might]. as a fledgling hero... in order to become a man worthy of the title... i came here of my own free will! you're a rotten number one*. you were just in the right place at the right time -- that's all. sorry this isn't going the way you want it to, number one. so let's stop that father-son crap in front of my friends. endeavour's thoughts: since he was willing to come here, i thought the boy's heart was open and ready to accept me... what a fool i was! i had it all wrong! endeavour out loud: right. i'll be evaluating you three as heroes. (ch 247) *the translation isn't quite accurate, but i don't have access to the original japanese right now to translate myself. i just remember that this translation isn't the best.

once again, we do see that endeavour is learning. shōto expresses his feelings and endeavour tries to move on from there in the way that shōto wants him to -- and he does ! he stops acting like he's close to shōto as a dad in front of the others and acts only like a hero training an apprentice (without the abuse that happened all throughout shōto's childhood).

i think this and what happens in the next part of this internship arc, is probably the best written bits of the endeavour redemption arc.

by that, in chapter 249, we open with this inner dialogue from endeavour:

endeavour: i'm trying to make amends... going forward. it might be too late... but i fall asleep every night thinking about... what i can do for my family. lately, it's been the same dream. the wife and kids, looking happy... at the dinner table. but i'm... never there with them. (ch 249)

this kickstarts his decision that he gives to natsuo later, but before we get there, we get this awkward todoroki family dinner with izuku and katsuki. izuku finally finds out that katsuki overheard them during the sports festival, and fuyumi and shōto talk when they think they're alone.

fuyumi: it's not like i don't share some of natsu's feelings... but... it feels like we've been given another chance now... how do you feel about dad? shōto: this burn... i think of it as something our old man gave me. [cue horrific flashback of the aftermath of rei pouring boiling water on shōto's face and immediately apologising] mom endured and endured... until she couldn't anymore. so, i can't just decide to forgive the guy who wore her down... but... mom is trying to get past all that now. honestly... i don't know... how i should feel about him. i still... haven't seen anything. [...] izuku: todoroki, i think... you're getting yourself ready to be able to forgive him. just say "i'll never forgive him" if you really hate the guy. because you're so caring yourself... it's like you're waiting... or at least that's how it seems. (ch 249)

i think each of the siblings (including tōya / dabi!) really showcases a lot of the different reactions children can have towards abuse. fuyumi is the type who fully embraces the abuser back because they want to become a family again. shōto is the type who isn't quite sure but doesn't want to just kick the abuser down if he's actually trying to change. natsuo is the type who just does not want to be around the abuser at all and doesn't think the abuser can change. tōya / dabi is the vengeful one who literally wants the abuser dead or feeling how he caused them to feel.

i also have an issue with how izuku words this to shōto -- does that mean that natsuo is not caring? should he not be upset with endeavour for all of the abuse, and, in natsuo's thoughts, for causing tōya to die? he cares too much, and that's really it, and i think endeavour (funnily enough) encapsulates my thoughts on that completely.

for context, natsuo gets kidnapped and held hostage by a villain who wants endeavour to kill him. the villain is threatening to kill natsuo if endeavour doesn't kill him. endeavour chokes on the save aside from catching katsuki and natsuo after the boys implement their plans to rescue natsuo, stop the villain, and save the civilians. then, endeavour has this to say:

endeavour: i'm sorry! in that moment... i couldn't help but think... about how if i saved you... then going forward... you might feel... like you couldn't stand up to me... natsuo, believe it or not... i was never trying... to neglect any of you. but... all i could do was blame others and dodge responsibility. with tōya too... i might as well have killed him myself. natsuo: didn't neglect us? so what...? tōya has always told me everything. it'll be a cold day in hell... before i forgive you. 'cause i'm not as caring as shōto. endeavour: even so... even so... you keep showing up for fuyumi, right? and for your mom's sake? your sister loves the idea of being a big happy family... because... that's exactly what i ruined. she wants that back... she's so eager to fix everything. and that's why you're trying. because you care about how she feels, right..? because you are caring. so... you don't have to forgive me. i'm not looking for forgiveness. just atonement. natsuo: [starts crying] wow. you got a real way with words all of a sudden! i know how happy it makes sis, having us all together! but... when i see your face... those memories come rushing back. why do i gotta be the one to come around? atonement? how're you gonna make that happen? endeavour: i have an idea, actually. (ch 252).

endeavour saying "i wasn't trying to neglect any of you" is such a fucking backslide, but he somewhat saves it with explaining why. at the same time, the explanation doesn't really matter -- he did neglect natsuo and fuyumi. however, the next bit of it, when he says that natsuo does care, and that it's okay for natsuo to never forgive him -- that was real fucking character growth, and we see it come to a beautiful place at the end of the chapter where endeavour talks with fuyumi and natsuo.

endeavour: fuyumi. i've already talked about this with shōto and natsuo. you've been doing your best to create a safe and sound household for your mother to come home to. i've let you shoulder all of that... and i stood by while you worked hard... but it's all okay now. [thoughts: it's always the same dream. my whole family's there, but not me.] because i'm building a new house for you all. one that makes sense for your commutes. and one where you can give your mother a warm welcome back. fuyumi: what about you, dad...? endeavour: [thoughts: if i really care about how they feel...] i'll remain here. (ch 252)

this is where i fucking cheered. this is where i really thought horikoshi was going to save this arc. abusers forcing their presence on the family is absolutely the wrong way to do it. endeavour trying to be the "best hero" is absolutely the wrong way to do it. endeavour stepping back, making sure that they're all comfortable, but (most likely) being there when they want to reach out on their terms in the way that they want to -- that's beautiful. that's actual growth. that's literally the best decision any abuser can make ever; leaving it in the hands of the people he abused.

in this part, in this moment, i could have accepted the endeavour redemption arc. i might not have agreed when shōto decided that he could see endeavour as a father (depending on when it would happen in canon and what would cause it), but in this regard, i could actually see redemption.

and then we get the fucking shitshow that is dabi reveal arc and the dabi backstory arc, and then i just want to throw away the whole fucking redemption arc.

in chapter 290, we get the dabi is todoroki tōya reveal (surprise, surprise /j). tōya, being the dramatic bitch that he is, washes off the probably water-soluble black dye off of his white hair and tells endeavour and shōto that he's tōya and that he's been waiting for years to take endeavour down and that he's sending out a broadcast to every TV station live detailing about endeavour's abuse of his family.

dabi: when, at long last, you could stare your kids in the eye... didja finally start to feel the warm and fuzzy bonds of family?! you must've thought, "as long as i can face the future, i can be better!" i can tell you're at a loss for words, so here's the answer! the past never dies! get it, yet?! you reap what you sow! so let's tango, you and me -- todoroki enji! a dance with your son, here in hell!! (ch 290).

in chapter 291, we continue the dabi reveal (including a 99.9% match between his DNA and endeavour's DNA as proof of their relation! hint: that's not actually fucking possible, but i'm pretty sure that's either a translation error or a wording issue) in the public eye. we get this fun little monologue from endeavour in the beginning of the chapter:

endeavour's thoughts: i thought it could be you [tōya]. you could have been the one... to reach my eternal goal. my frustration... my envy... the ugliness in my heart... you could have been the one... to smash it all to dust.

again, we get that whole "using child as an object/extension of endeavour" thing that has characterised endeavour for a long time. tōya shouldn't have been created to fix his frustration about not becoming number one himself.

regardless, endeavour stays in shock for the rest of the battle, unable to even move despite the fact that shōto managed to pull himself together in order to try to save everyone on the battlefield despite dabi trying to kill him.

we then go to chapter 300, where endeavour wakes up in his hospital room and ruminates on everything that he had done. he cries and expresses guilt, especially on how things played out with tōya when he was a child, and he declares that "i might get to live on... but endeavour died back there. my son's a mass murderer, yet... i can't fight him." (ch 300).

then, shōto, natsuo, and fuyumi enter the room while endeavour continues to cry.

endeavour: sorry... i'm... so sorry. i'm sorry... i didn't realise until now... these regrets... this guilt... it's too late to matter! my heart... it's... rei: [walking into the room] yes? what about your heart? those regrets and guilt... the rest of us have borne that burden... much more than you have. endeavour: rei?! why are you here?! rei: i'm here to talk about our family. and about our son, tōya. (ch 300).

this jumpstarts into a flashback of what caused tōya's "death", and i think in some truly horrific scenes that i think horikoshi writes in a way that we're supposed to feel some level of sympathy for endeavour. reading all of that makes me feel even -infinity sympathy for endeavour.

in chapter 301, we start the flashback into the past, where tōya wants to continue quirk training but endeavour begins to discard him, saying that it was for tōya's own good (because he burns himself when he uses too much fire). unfortunately, tōya doesn't care about his own burns, he just wants his dad's approval and wants to surpass all might himself.

endeavour, meanwhile, is still focused mostly on creating a child that would surpass all might, as we see in this conversation between endeavour and rei:

rei: no... that would be too much! it's too cruel! especially now that tōya knows what you're hoping to achieve through the children! endeavour: no matter what i say... he comes home with fresh burns every day. he inherited that pigheaded stubbornness from me! that's the only way to make him give up! since he'll never be the one to surpass... [all might] (ch 301)

(sure, that's your motivation. you say that while you literally have the same eyes as when you think about all might being better than you).

endeavour's eyes when thinking about all might being better.

endeavour's eyes when thinking of "stopping tōya" through the birth of more children.

we see that shōto is born, and that tōya doesn't stop training on his own, which causes endeavour to snap at tōya:

endeavour: no! why won't you stop?! you're covered in burns... and you still don't get it?! why?! tōya! you have to... look beyond all this. play with natsuo and fuyumi! make some friends at school! there's a whole other world besides the hero stuff... i know you understand that! take my advice, and this'll all be a distant memory soon. tōya: the kids at school all say they wanna be heroes. i can't understand that. because i've got you as a father. you lit this fire in me, dad, and it's not going out! i can't just pretend it's not there! [uses his fire] look at me, endeavour! look... at me!! [goes to attack baby!shōto] (ch 301)

all tōya wanted was not to be discarded, and he could see just as well as anyone that endeavour didn't seem to care about the others as much -- that's why tōya went for shōto, not for any of the other siblings.

endeavour had no real idea how to talk to tōya, or even knew how to reach out and get some help, and that was probably (mainly) because what he was doing with rei and creating his children was illegal, as we hear from a doctor earlier.

and before anyone blames tōya, he's young ass kid who knows he's being discarded by his father, and he wants attention. just any sort of attention. yes, he's going to lash out. yes, he's going to keep on doing what originally got him his father's attention (aka training). yes, he's going to try to attack endeavour's "perfect child" for "taking his place". i don't blame tōya for that -- i blame endeavour.

rei: [in the present] you don't get to claim you're hurting more than anyone. and you're not the only one who didn't really see him. (ch 301)

this next chapter, the next part of the flashback, chapter 302, is particularly rough, and it's in part with what's hinted in rei's last part of this comment. (i agree with the first part! endeavour doesn't get to claim that he's hurting more than anyone else. it's the second in context with chapter 302).

we return back to the flashback where endeavour is talking to rei about separating shōto from the rest of his siblings.

endeavour: i'm too busy with work to look after him [shōto] 24-y... which is why i've hired help. but you -- don't you take your eyes off of tōya. rei: he just wants you to look at him. to notice him. that's all. endeavour: all i can show anyone... is the world of heroes. rei: heroes? aren't you just running away? (ch 302)

interestingly enough, endeavour's face in this conversation is covered by shadows. all we really see are the whites of his eyes and the side of his face where sweatdrops of stress are running down. rei's face, too, is practically covered aside from a close-up on her stressed eye. a lot of rei's downward spiral focuses on rei's eyes over anything, so i think this is where we kind of see -- well, not the start of that (we do see that focus in ch 301), but the continuation of her stress that leads eventually to her mental breakdown.

then, we continue on (with an interesting conversation between tōya and rei, but we're focusing on endeavour unfortunately, so alas) with tōya talking to endeavour.

tōya: listen, dad. next time you get a day off... you gotta come up to sekoto peak with me. endeavour: [grabs tōya's shirt violently and lifts it up. his thoughts: new burns! where he can keep them hidden! he's been training that way on purpose!] damn it! again?! tōya: no, wait! what i can do now is really cool! you gotta come see! i might be as awesome as shōto sooner or later! maybe i'll be even better than all might someday! then you've gotta give me some respect, dad! you'll be glad you created me! i just know it! (ch 302)

the next scene is a very clear domestic abuse scene (even if it cuts away from the actual hitting).

endeavour: why didn't you stop him?! huh, rei?! damn it, that's all i asked you to do!! shōto: [crying and stepping in front of rei, trying to defend her] don't bully mommy! stop it! don't be mean to her! endeavour: get out, shōto! it's none of your business! natsuo & fuyumi: [cowering, crying, and covering their ears] rei: i... can't stop him. (ch 302).

skip the next scan if the narrative hint of domestic abuse happening might upset you. 

now, i'm putting in the scan to showcase that we essentially get to explicitly see this all go down. endeavour is a shadowy figure in the bedroom, we see nothing of rei's face except for her eye (crying, and again, that same focus where we see her slow descent into her mental break), and we see all of the children cry except for tōya because he's out training on his own again.

the fact that endeavour decides to berate, and most likely hit, rei instead of going after his son -- well, he'd come to regret it later when tōya supposedly dies because "all he [endeavour] taught me... was how to turn up the heat." (ch 302). tōya burns himself to death because endeavour decided that because his quirk wasn't good enough to beat all might that he rather not train him at all anymore. that -- ugh.

and then we get out of the flashback and back into the hospital room in some of the most abhorrent lines of the present moments of this arc.

endeavour: if only i'd given it all up that day... but having killed tōya... i felt there was no turning back, so i poured all my energy into shōto... at the expense of everything else. rei: once tōya was gone, you grew worse and worse, until i couldn't stand the sight of you. it got so bad, i even started seeing hints of you in the children's faces. fuyumi: i knew our family was broken, but i was too scared to interfere. all i could do was try to fix things just to keep up appearances. natsuo: it was you who started all of this. you're the root cause, but... maybe, if i'd just slugged you in the face and made you have a few serious talks with him... "dabi" never would've come about, and i would've been enjoying some good soba with shōto all these years. rei: you're not the only one who's responsible, and now we all have to take responsibility for what comes next. (ch 302).

ignoring the next part for now, holy fucking shit. horikoshi makes the decision to spread the blame of tōya's death to the rest of the todoroki family, never mind that rei was also abused by endeavour and that fuyumi and natsuo were twelve and eight respectively.

endeavour showed no signs of listening to ANYONE. rei told him flat out that he just needed to give tōya attention, and he didn't listen. the fact that fuyumi felt burdened on trying to keep up appearances and felt like she didn't try to fix things at the age of twelve -- horrific. the fact that natsuo blames himself for not trying to talk some sense into endeavour at the age of eight -- horrific.

this is the moment where i threw the endeavour redemption arc into the garbage -- the rest of the family taking blame onto themselves that they shouldn't blame just so that endeavour can just right back up and be a hero.

endeavour was not going to change, not for anyone. hell, even with tōya's death, and endeavour admits it himself, it made him even more stubborn in his ways because one of his extensions of his will sacrificed himself, so he best make sure that shōto becomes the best extension of his will he can be.

this is genuinely so disgusting that i can't even put into words just how terrible this is. the fact that horikoshi made this decision -- i lost all respect for horikoshi as an author and in the endeavour redemption arc.

this chapter ends with shōto being proclaimed as the family hero and that endeavour needs to come back as a hero and fight dabi and by this point, i already hate everything, so throw the bitch out.

i think if the endeavour redemption arc had stopped in chapter 252, i think it would have been great. i think if they had played off the dabi reveal in any other way, without the family blaming themselves to partially absolve endeavour of his guilt, i think it could have been fine. but the way that this played out, the way that the victims are blaming themselves in part to make the abuser feel better -- no. just, fucking no.

is that a thing that happens in real life? do abuse victims internalise the abuse and then think that the abuser was just trying to do their best? oh yeah. however, with how the rest of the arc seems to be going with endeavour (endeavour showing up in the newest chapter still going around as a hero -- the number one hero, even), horikoshi is condoning that instead of writing it as unhealthy as it should be written.

thus, nope. throw the whole fucking thing away. no thank you.

[twiceminded-archived]

(Awhile back I wrote a cognitive assessment for Alfend, but today I’ve decided to expand on it! So here goes!)

(Long-ass fuckin post under the cut, lots of negative psychological stuff, and child abuse mentions.)

Amnesia - Certain memories have been surpressed by conditioning. Only Fendi suffers this, and his memories of his stay in the hospital are especially shaky because of it.

Anxiety - A given, considering what he’s been through. Many things make Alfendi nervous, due to events that have happened in their life. Al typically responds with agitation, while Fendi simply compartmentalizes the feeling and sets it aside.

C-PTSD - One would expect PTSD only due to a singular event, but Alfendi’s very early life involved emotional and verbal abuse. Due to these repeated reactions towards his behaviour, Alfendi now has a myriad of problems that persist later on in life. Al inherited the majority of those behavioural issues. Some of these will be expanded on further down the post.

Cynicism - Not exactly something either of them can help, but it’s hard to keep faith in humanity and in people when you constantly see the worst of them... and when the system fails you, where else do you turn?

Defensiveness - Absolutely. Press either of them on something they’re sensitive about, and they get defensive. Al angrily goes on the attack or stands his ground, but even Fendi can lose his temper and go off if he’s cornered, if he doesn’t just lapse into silence first.

Denial - Yep! Deny, deny, deny. They’re getting a little better about it, but there’s been no real significant progress in making either half admit truth in the face of pressure.

Depersonalization - Comes with the dissociation! And with the personality death. If this body belonged to someone before you, is it really yours? How real are you if you’re just a construct, or a fragment? Too many of these questions, and they start to lose touch with the physical world and perceive things as happening to just the ‘body’, not ‘them’.

Depression - Yeah, there’s not much to elaborate on with this. The depression is real.

Displacement - Is it really a surprise that Al has this? He can’t be aggressive towards the general public, his family, his friends, or his co-workers, so the next best thing are troublemakers who do something to deserve his ire. Who’s going to care if he dumps all of that simmering rage onto someone he’s sure is a murderer? (Well...)

Dissociation - Yes. I mean, it’s very much one of the most obvious things about them. The two of them dissociate semi-regularly, detaching from their surroundings to calm down -- and also ‘switch’ to suit the situation, as people with dissociative identity disorder often do. The blueprints for this were laid by Alfendi’s terrible childhood, before Hershel took him in.

Dysphoria - Is it really his body? Fendi isn’t sure. Al’s more certain, yet at times Fendi feels like he doesn’t belong in it. But he’s there to stay, and he has to look after this body and the alter in it anyway. At times, however, he just doesn’t feel right...

Emotional detachment - Not exactly a bad thing. Fendi makes use of his while in the workplace, where keeping a cool head is pretty important when you’re trying to get the truth out of someone. However, he takes it out of work and... stifles his emotions because he’s been led to believe that too much is too dangerous. And given the horrible feelings he has after losing his temper, maybe he can’t help it.

Flashbacks - Al has these, since Al carries the majority of childhood memories. While Fendi may freeze up when yelled at, Al will freeze up and recall being back in his first house. These flashbacks often throw him into a defensive mode due to their distressing nature and ability to evoke powerful emotions. Don’t scream at them, they hate it.

Flat affect - 100% Fendi. Another word for this is called ‘emotional blunting’ and if that isn’t Fendi I dunno what is. Typically this turns into straight-up apathy, but sometimes the flat affect is done to hide whatever emotion has just struck him.

Guilt - Fendi locked a sentient part of himself away for four years. When he realized the true reason why he had done this, he was struck with guilt that has never really gone away. But he hates guilt, so he refuses to even acknowledge it.

Hallucinations - Part of that psychosis! Fendi hallucinates voices and occasional movement out of the corners of his vision. The voices are almost always persecutory in nature, and the phrases they pick might come from the things he represses. The words don’t always make sense, however.

Hypervigilance - To a point where it can become exhaustion for them. Not always a problem but when it is, it’s usually because one of their traumas have been triggered or a phobia has been recognized. When combined with paranoia (hypervigilance isn’t the same thing), they become an absolute wreck.

Intellectualization - Done all the time by Fendi. ‘Thinking to avoid feeling’ is one of the cornerstones of his personality. Engaging emotion logically helps take the edge off of it, and makes it easier to fold up and put away.

Isolation - They’re getting better at this, but paranoia threatens to sabotage their hard work. Isolation is safer, isn’t it? But God is it lonely, and they’re sick of being lonely. As Alfendi makes more friends, he’s relying on this less and less.

Panic attacks - Perhaps ‘inevitable’ isn’t the right word; maybe ‘expected’ is. They can work themselves up into a fear-induced frenzy that then results in a panic attack. Unfortunately, agoraphobia (one of Alfendi’s most pronounced phobias) contributes heavily to panic attacks, so this man just cannot catch a break... Thankfully, they’re quite verbal about panicking and know how to deal with it at this point.

Passive-aggression - Fendi’s societal weapon of choice. Al is typically aggressive and only that, but Fendi much prefers to simply ‘accept’ before quietly undermining the person who has raised his ire. Some of his snark is quite passive-aggressive and indirect.

Paranoia - This is the big one. This paranoia is the source of so many of his problems. It has thoroughly invaded his life and so profoundly affected his behaviour that if somehow his paranoia were to be cured, he would undergo quite a personality change. (It, however, cannot be ‘cured’.) Though Alfendi is right to be on edge due to his job, mild celebrity status, prior incidents, and those who oppose him, he takes things a bit too far. He HAS to be safe, HAS to be as unreachable as possible, and his tragic dream is that one day nobody will be able to hurt him ever again. What has happened to Alfendi has thoroughly broken his ability to trust, and no matter how much work is put into helping him take down his paranoid tendencies, it only takes one betrayal (perceived or otherwise) to make him shut down...

Phobias - Yes! The most pronounced one is agoraphobia. Though most people assume it’s a fear of open spaces, that’s just a literal translation. Fendi fears that if he’s put in danger again, he won’t be able to escape -- thus, being inside will keep him safer. Obviously both of them are terribly phobic of anything that can extensively alter the mind, and despise the thought of losing control. The mere suggestion of having someone else in command of them is enough to terrify them both. There’s more! See if you can find them all!

Projection - Occasionally an issue for Al, he’ll misplace his aggression or own vaguely murderous tendencies in someone else. Not like the murderers can exactly argue...

Psychosis - Actually, they both have this! Psychosis comes along with paranoia for the ride. Being able to tell real threats from threats spun out of imagination is not a skill they have anymore -- hence, the paranoid tendencies.

PTSD - Getting shot in the fucking chest and almost dying is pretty goddamn traumatizing. So is being manipulated and taken adantage of to be used as a scapegoat, but it’s a tossup if that can be classified as a PTSD event or C-PTSD event.

Rationalization - You ever see all of those excuses Fendi makes for keeping Al down? That’s literally this. He’s rationalizing it.

Repression - Gestures at Fendi again. This is different from suppression in that feelings are being pushed into the unconscious to never be dealt with!

Self-harm - Oops! This is never done to a life-threatening extent, but Alfendi tends to scratch at his arms when he’s losing his grip on his own thought processes or is overwhelmed. Sometimes he draws blood, sometimes he just gets his skin under his fingernails and that’s all...

Somatization - The amount of stress Alfendi has occasionally manifests into pain with no definitive origin.

Splitting - While Fendi can see shades of gray in people, occasionally Al will split on someone, seeing them as all good or all bad. This is not especially healthy and has led to several friendship collapses in the past. The splitting mechanism was inherited from the original Alfendi.

Sublimation - While Al does project his aggressive emotions onto people from time to time, he’ll also transform his urges and dedicate his aggression to other things, such as his knife-throwing hobby and cooking. 

Suicidal ideation - Fendi once had this problem. It was fixed. Now he does not want to go away, ever.

Suppression - Sometimes it’s better to just stop thinking about certain things, you know? This can be perfectly healthy, just... there’s a point where you have to stop! While Al does have a better idea of where to stop suppressing, Fendi has decided the line is way the fuck elsewhere and suppresses much more often.

Thousand-yard stare - Ever seen Al in the middle of a flashback episode? He isn’t looking at you. He isn’t looking at anything. All he can see is what he went through, and he’s not here right now. Alternatively, when either of them are having a period of extreme dissociation, you’ll see it -- that dead gaze, that soulless expression...

Triggers - Plenty of them! Screaming is one of them. Don’t scream. Thunder and gunshots, too, put them off significantly and throw them into the beginnings of a shutdown or the start of a panic. There are others...

Trust issues - OH I WONDER WHY

Violence - Al is occasionally consumed with the thought of it, and itches for the times he can commit it in the name of self-defense which is kind of terrifying! He thrives off the threats he can make and the reputation it gives him. Is it any wonder Fendi worries about the choices he might make?

Whiplash temper - Alfendi was on the receiving end of this as a child, and unfortunately there is a legacy of abuse. He used to be doing better about his temper, until his personality shattered and Al not only reverted but became slightly worse than his predecessor in that regard.

[thestarshiphope]

What murders took place in Hope’s Peak?

That is…a tragic story. One that was not fully unearthed until Kirigiri Jin’s testimony in court.

Many see it as the first sign of Hope’s Peak Academy’s fall.

You see, Hope’s Peak Academy was divided into a caste system: the Ultimate Students, who were scouted by the school for their talents, and the Reserve Department, composed of ordinary students who could attend through entrance exams and extremely large fees.

The murders involved two of these Reserve Students, as well as a group from Class 77-B. They wereSato Honami and Kuzuryu Natsumi, and Tsumiki Mikan, Mioda Ibuki, Saionji Hiyoko, and Koizumi Mahiru.

Two of them, Koizumi-san and Sato-san, remained close friends, despite the segregation the school employed. Koizumi-san was the Ultimate Photographer, while Sato-san attended through the large entrance fees. The two had been close friends since middle school.

The two of them also came in conflict with Kuzuryu-san on numerous occasions. She was the younger sister of Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko, the Ultimate Yakuza and heir to the Kuzuryu clan, the largest in all of Japan. She, however, did not possess a  talent of her own, so she attended the Reserve Department.

She was prone to bullying Koizumi-san and Sato-san, especially since she had also attended junior high school with them. Things were certainly tense and violent, but…then it all came to blows one day.

*Early 2016*

*Hope’s Peak Academy Music Room*

Sato? The fuck do you want?

Natsumi-chan! Thank you for coming!

Don’t fuckin’ use my first time unless I give you permission.

Uh…s-sorry. Is Kuzuryu-chan fine, then?

Whatever. Why the fuck did you drag me here?

Well…*Sigh*

Let’s be real here. You and I have never really gotten along. 

No shit, Kindaichi.

Yeah…ever since Junior high, we’ve really done nothing but fight. I’m…really getting tired of it.

But I think maybe, you know, if we talk about it, we can be friends. And I thought it would help if we got to know each other better.

…

Pffff-Hahahahahaha! HA! Hahahahahaha!

Huh? What’s so funny?

Hahahahaha! You! You actually think that! That we could, in any lifetime, be friends?!

You’re an even dumber bitch than I realized, Sato. Like, rock stupid.

I’m just trying to be nice! Aren’t you getting sick of the bullying?!

Hmm….let me think about-

No, not really!

What is it with you?! Why are you so mean to me?! I’ve never done anything to you!

I don’t think you could understand it. You and I live in different worlds, Sluto. You’re a nothing, a nobody, another face in the crowd. I’m part of the motherfucking Yakuza! I can do anything I want.

And yet you’re in the Reserve Department. Just like me.

That…shut the fuck up.

Why? I’m speaking the truth. You can’t deal with the fact that Mahiru-chan has something you don’t. Something you desperately want more than anything. And that jealousy has been eating away at you this whole time. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it until now.

Shut the fuck up! Right now!

Aww, did I strike a nerve? Does it hurt, Natsumi-chan? Knowing how worthless you really are?

This is the kind of pain you cause me and Mahiru-chan on a regular basis. 

…

Go ahead. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me that your brother really loves you and he’ll always be there for you. I’m sure I’ll believe you.

You fucked up now, bitch.

What do you-?

You and Koizumi. You’re both dead, you hear me? Fucking dead.

…

Actually, no, I just got a better idea!

You love Koizumi that fuckin’ much? I’ll make sure you get to keep her head, so you can fuckin’ get off with it. 

…

I’m outta here. And let me be fuckin’ crystal clear on something: don’t fuckin’ waste my time like this again, bitch. 

*As Natsumi walks to the exit, Sato tackles her to the ground*

What the fuck are y- Agggghh!

*Sato starts strangling Natsumi with her bare hands*

I won’t let you touch Mahiru-chan. Ever again.

*All Natsumi can do is choke, gasp, and flail, trying to force Sato off of her…but it’s no good*

(Fuyuhiko….h-help….me….)

I’ll protect Mahiru no matter what. If you ever come near her again, I’ll kill you. I don’t care if you are a Yakuza. I. Will. Kill. you. Do you understand?

I said, do you understand?!

…

*Sato gets up and backs away* She’s….is she…

She’s….oh, no. She’s alive. Haha…hahahaha! 

(Wait, why am I laughing?! She’s…after that…Mahiru-chan and I��)

(This…this is my chance.)

(…oh god, Mahiru-chan and the others are supposed to be here soon…)

(I can’t let them know it was me. This…this was just some killer.)

*Sato digs around in her backpack and pulls out her school swimsuit. After propping Natsumi up against the wall, she dips it into a nearby fish tank, fills it full of gravel, and ties it off to form a club.*

(And the killer cracked her skull open like this.)

*WHAM*

(Okay…no blood on me. Good.)

*With Natsumi dead, Sato dumps most of the gravel back into the fish tank, then knocks the tank over*

(And then they escaped through here.)

*She smashes the window with the remaining gravel in the swimsuit, tossing it outside in the process*

(And there’s no way I could’ve been in here.)

*Sato runs to the faculty office to grab the music room key, closes and locks the music door, and returns the key*

(Crap, they’re gonna be here soon…)

*She runs into the next classroom over and smashes a vase*

(Alright…now act normal. You only just heard that sound too.)

*She runs back in front of the music room and pretends to be out of breath* Huff….puff….huff…

*A few days later*

*Sigh* It’s gotten so late. It takes way too long to change after Archery club…

Everyone else’ll be gone by now…looks like I’m going home alone today…

Now that I think of it, that incident was about the same time as it is now…

Dammit, why am I thinking of such stupid things?!

Yeah, I should just…forget that ever happened.

???: I will not….let you….forget………………

…huh?!

???: I will not let you….forget…..

Who….who is it?! Where are you?!

I will not let you forget!

*Fuyuhiko comes at her, armed with a metal bat*

F….forgive….me….

*Sato runs off*

FORGIVE MEEEEEEEEE!!

Never…

*Sato ducks into a nearby classroom, but there’s nowhere else to go*

Please….I….I didn’t mean to…..i-it was an accident! Please! Please forgive me! PLEASE!

I….will never forgive you. For what you did to Natsumi…

THIS IS WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!

(Mahiru-chan…)

*WHAM*

*The modern day*

And those were the last incidents that took place on academy grounds.

The school covered up the murders, saying that both students had died of sudden illnesses, and all parties who were aware of the event were forced to remain quiet.

It was these murders that lead to many in the school to start digging deeper into the secrets that were held within its walls.

I can only imagine the outrage their families felt when the truth was revealed.

[femininesuperpowers-blog]

Other Mothers - When Mother’s Day isn’t all Roses and Thornton’s

Barely done with counting coffers from Valentine’s Day, florists and chocolatiers eagerly rub hands with commercial glee as they reliably entice us to consider Mother. For some that very word create shivers of fear and dread.  Too many people experience Mothering Sunday not as a delightful excuse to push aside life’s endless commitments and make Mum a priority on this special date.  Nor to engage in the pressure to pamper and spoil the woman whose tummy you ruined and life you changed immeasurably. 

 In return for her undying love, patience and maternal knowing the lucky ones take this sacred Sunday to honour this marvellous woman!  

 What happens to the 40% fencing with painful truths they manage to conceal for much of the year? Feeling confused and bemused at the treatment they endured at the hands of their Mother, the less fortunate awkwardly go through the motions whilst burying the resentment and feeling of worthlessness beneath other layer of obligation driven by the age-old need to be ’good and deserving’.  No-matter how many years we’ve clocked up, we’re always our mother’s child.  Burying devastating truths, deep scars and pain, along with a whole heap of unwanted emotions.  The injustice can be hard to fathom or process, which is why the majority settle for a life of turmoil and heartache.  

 What are we supposed to do with the deep burning rage within, nobody taught us how to take care of ourselves, much less self soothe and learn from our emotions.  The danger of turning into our Mothers is real, as we get older the similarities creep in, unresolved wounding dictates our lives.

  What does it say about a person who feels disgust, sadness, fear, loathing, shame - all when it comes to their mothers?  It’s time to face the reality and ditch the Disney delusion…..Mother’s Day isn’t all Thorntons and Roses for everybody.    Actually, you may be surprised to know the Mothering stats and stigma’s.

 As a coach, I specialise in turning childhood adversity into grown-up greatness.   Often people arrive at my door only when they’ve run the full gamut of colourful self-sabotage and destruction common to people who’ve been badly treated, unloved and un-nurtured by the women who brought them into this world.  It’s a harsh world, and harsh facts borne out by The Crime Survey of England and Wales published in August 2016 by the Office of National Statistics.  Credited with being the first UK survey delving into emotional abuse.   Sadly the 40% of respondents reporting psychological abuse at the hands of their mother, as opposed to 35% from their Father, are all too familiar within the world I work.  

My own familiarity of the pain and shame of a mother who just doesn’t love you provided the Semtex.  For over two decades I have been on a relentless mission to understand this Mother dichotomy from every angle.  Clients find their way to my work by referral and understand the impact all too well of a universal taboo.    Whether it’s because your Mother can’t or she won’t love and nurture you bears little influence onto the deep damage you bear.

 Maternal love is sacred, full of myth and fuzzy pink lenses, not everybody will concur.    Mother’s Day is an opportunity to send love to those for whom the day is a cruel reminder of the love they rarely or never knew through no fault of their own.    In place of maternal connection, deep in the gut and the pit of the soul, an endless gnawing of shame and emptiness.  Motherhood has a much deserved and magical mythology running like an umbilical cord from culture to reality.     In a world where perhaps maternal abuse is truly our last bastion of hushed whispers and wagging fingers.  It is for this reason the people who suffer remain keen to defend their Mothers at any cost, including the cost of their own wellbeing and quality of life.

 How often do we explore openly and honestly the legacy of hurt caused by mean mothers, unloving mothers, non-mothers and fuck-you mothers?

 A swathe of our fellow humans are suffering in silence.  Pushing down the reality that they weren’t nurtured or protected and paying the price throughout their adult lives with poor self-care, abusive relationships and in many cases an inability to engage in a healthy love and attach securely to another human being.

 Even Walt himself colludes with our deeply entrenched ideal fantasies.  The raft of Disney movies with vivid and vile wicked mothers are…..  Step Mothers!  Even in the world of deep and dark cartoon fantasy, real mothers aren’t deemed capable of inflicting pain and suffering on their own offspring.  Without fail, it’s the new, evil wife dishing out the dirt and the damage!

 Being born to a mother who won’t, or can’t, take care of your needs creates potential for lifelong wounds.  Wounds of shame and pain, carving our adult personality and shaping our lives.   Addictions, compulsions, love intensity, love avoidance, co-dependence, disorders of every hue and every subsequent relationship - whether business, love or casual acquaintance - are forged from our maternal blue print.  Without mother love we’re rudderless and destined for a choppy ride against the rapids of life. 

 From the moment we’re born, some say conception, the mother bond teaches us how to respond and view relationships.  The blueprint is set.  So what’s so different about Mother Wounding to Dad Demons?   Both are serious, both have the staying power to ruin a life, as we hurtle from drama to depths of intensity, designed to numb the pain and shame.  

 It seems our culture dictates we can discuss anal sex on a first date, or watch a murder on TV but Non-Mothers remain our final taboo!  Try talking about your abusive or neglectful mother experience in a painful or critical way.  Often even our closest friends will run to the mother defence, unwittingly denying your experience in the process. You may even be judged for being heartless - the ungrateful child, yet again!  

 If your father was abusive, neglectful and damaging people would speak up but your mother, it’s a rare incidence where she is held accountable. So why is the mother wound so taboo?   Can you imagine the shame of having a mother who didn’t love you enough to take care of you?  Or perhaps to keep you as her child, to let you know you were wanted and special?  Imagine the impact of feeling no love from your mother.  That you were a burden, a mistake or born in some way to serve her needs.   

 Science has proven the impact of non- loving mother causes our brains to wire differently to those  who are secure with a loving, empathetic mother bond.  The legacy of feeling insecure, unlovable and damaged by a hyper aroused Fight, Flight and Freeze mechanism in the brain takes careful understanding a navigation.

 “They’re doing the best they can” I hear the rally cry.  “I don’t know why you have to poke around in this stuff, no good can come from it” is often the family anthem.  

 When a mother fails her daughter they also fail to teach her how to be a mother.  Becoming a mother when denied a maternal blue-print is a minefield. 

 Today take a moment to send love to every soul who hasn’t known a mother bond, those who felt unlovable and unwanted, unheard and unseen.   Wherever you are in life, I salute you, only you know how much it takes to overcome being unwanted and unwelcome at core.

 Walling off, numbing out, drama, chaos and addiction are all ‘normal’ responses as we unconsciously kick and scream our way away from feeling the shame and rage of rejection.  A walled heart can form to make us hard and devoid of compassion and love.  You may be a high achiever, swearing you would never have to rely on anyone for your survival.  The scars are indelible but there’s hope on the horizon.  

 Perhaps it’s you, dear reader, who know this familiar pain.  Take heart in the knowledge that you may not know how to be a mother but you do know how not to be your mother.  Take it slowly, build a deep and meaningful relationship with your own inner child. When you learn to parent yourself, you will have learned how to parent.  The wounds that are passed from generation to generation can stop with you.  Own your power, hear your inner voice and show yourself the acceptance, love and compassion you craved for.  

 And most of all, know for sure, the quality of your mothers’ love was never about you - it was about how she was able to love, attach and connect from a place of deepest humanity.  Her fractured psyche was never your fault, nor your responsibility - it’s time to own your adult power by being the Mother to your vulnerability, the mother you feared for but never had.

 Today, for Mother’s Day, take the vow to learn the impact of the mother wound and how to heal not just for you but for every generation to come.

 Michelle Zelli adopted by the age of  two, unloved by her adoptive parents, left home at 16 to channel a need to rely on nobody.  Her need to provide security for herself led her to becoming a blue-chip director in the 80’s -   Using the pain to propel her forward she became Blue Chip Sales Director and MD of the largest TV Post Production Company in the UK by the age of 43.  A woman on a mission to help others channel their mother wounding and lack of self-esteem in healthy and extraordinary ways. Michelle is a coach at the top of her game, the secret weapon to successful people who embark on the path of self-mastery.  Michelle specialises in using adversity to drive us and teaching us the magic of mother love to heal ourselves and change our legacy.