#no. i know i'm not. my dysphoria is just so intense

[magical-xirl-4]

the way that i truly am just non-binary still... idk, surprises me? like, i forget that i am, so i have to remind myself that while i am trans, i'm not a man. at the same time, i'm not a woman. i'm just floating out as something else. something totally new.

but that's why it's so hard for me to affirm myself. there is no exact language to describe me that truly encapsulates my experiences. there's very little representation about what it means to be non-binary. it's why i think about it so much, it's why i fixate on it.

the world is extremely binary, and it's influence over my thoughts is still very strong, despite my gender identity.

it can be lonely. it can be confusing.

my bodily dysphoria is so strong but my social dysphoria is ten fold. to a vast majority of people they will never see me as non-binary no matter how many times i say it, and that haunts me.

i know not everyone will be able to instantly see me as my true self wherever i go and whoever i talk to, but the two binary genders are something that we are innately trained to recognise.

if a person recognises me as 1 or 2 and never 3 instantly, it feels. wrong.

why can't you see me as that? no matter how hard i try; why?

maybe HRT and top surgery will get me there, maybe, hopefully, one day. i want to be seen as androgynous, ambigious, first and foremost. someone who perfectly toes the line of masculinity and femininity. i feel like i am that as a person already but i just want people to be able to see that as soon as they see me.

but ultimately what i truly want is reformation of society. i want- no, need, trans acceptance, and abolishment of gender roles and heteropatriarchy. it's the only way i'll ever be able to thrive and feel comfortable. it's easy for you to people to see man and woman, but i wish it were different. i wish it were more that that.

i still haven't changed my name legally, or moved away from my family, so i'd say i'm in the worst of it. i'm just barely getting enough air to breathe. when i change my name, when i move out, when i go on HRT and get top surgery i will feel better.

but those systems put in place to hold up cisheteronormativity will still exist. i'm not sure how i will feel once i'm up to that point. i'll definitely have more air to breathe. but i can't even picture it right now. i'm still looking up from the well. why do i still have to endure more darkness once i'm fully free to be me?

i really hope for a day where that well won't exist and we'll be able to be on equal level a plain and open field. where we'll get to sit next to each other in the warm gaze of the sun, feeling loved, safe, protected and cared for. where we don't have to fight to exist and feel like ourselves. no conflict, no fighting, no hardship. just ourselves and the purity of it.

[non-un-topo]

Every time I spend too many days in a row at home, I get it into my head that I don't actually want to transition, and then I go back into the world and go Oh. I remember what it's like to have a body and a mind.

[boyapologist]

ok this is definitely a depressive episode lol

[quartergremlin]

Yall got a little too much faith in leo. this guy is clueless.

first/previous/next

transcript:

Yuichi:

No. Absolutely not.

Leo:

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Don’t you like me? Aren’t I your best friend?

Y:

Yes, unfortunately. But you really should go home.

Leonardo, why are you here right now?

L:

Isn’t it enough that you get to see my handsome face? You gotta know why too?

Y:

It’s kind of hard when you’re shoving your face into my comforter.

And here’s your chance to make me feel like an asshole for kicking you out.

L:

S’never stopped you before.

…

I guess I’m like… a girl or whatever.

Y:

Oh. Um. Okay? Congratulations? Did you have another name picked out oooor...

L:

No! Not like that! Its-

I've been a girl this whole time. Apparently, dad just guessed – and everyone else knew! And just didn’t tell me!

And-I know. I know it doesn’t matter – I'm being stupid.

Y:

I mean- that doesn’t sound stupid. Id be upset too.

And I don’t want to tell you… what you’re thinking or feeling. But this seems like some pretty intense dysphoria. So maybe your dad got it right?

And your nesting is obviously not helping, honestly-

L:

My what.

Y:

What do you mean “your what”?

Leo:

reeks of lemon-scented cleaner

Yuichu's hoodie

Donnie's board shorts

Raph's bear

made a nest in his bed

Meme:

Yuichi: this is your hormone level. It's pretty normal for someone turtle-PMSimg. You'll be fine in a week.

Extra 1:

Yuichi: as a lizard owner, clocked Leo's nesting immediately.

Leo: Didn't read Donnie's book, so still clueless.

Extra 2:

Yuichi enters to sitcom clapping and cheering.

[mtf-boyification]

Cis girl forces you to top

You’re a trans girl with severe bottom dysphoria. You can’t stand the idea of having to top, especially with your girlcock. The idea makes your skin crawl, and you know for sure that you’re a bottom. You worry that you won’t be able to find someone who’s willing to look past that, but you meet a cis woman and hit it off. You’ve been on a few dates with her now and discussed sexual boundaries and she’s more than willing to be the dominant one. Feeling excited, you head back with her to her place to finally have sex for the first time. “Are you ready baby?” She teases, slowly stripping down into her underwear in front of you. Everything about her was so perfect. Her natural curves, her wide hips, and her big breasts. It immediately awakened your arousal. As your girlcock bulges in your panties, you squirm in disgust. But you can’t deny how turned on you are. You look up to see your date with a teasing smile, gently putting her hand on your bulge. 

You try to protest but she quickly silences you with her own words. “Shhh, it’s okay…see it’s hard…it clearly wants to be stroked…” You whine softly, saying that you weren’t comfortable with this, that this wasn’t what you had in mind. The woman’s teasing smile only widens as she listens to you whining. “It doesn’t matter baby…this is what you’re made for…and I’ll show you…” She says, diving her hand under your panties and stroking your bare girlcock. You moan and squirm, feeling a mix of intense desire and discomfort. Before you can say anything else, the woman shoves her breasts in your face, forcing you to take in her scent. You feel hazy and dazed from her strong smell, looking down and admiring her body once again. It was almost hypnotic, and you found it harder and harder to think. You were starting to forget that you weren’t comfortable with this. 

“That’s it…good boy. See…you’re just a boy deep down…the way you’re acting…” The woman taunted playfully, stroking your cock faster and faster. “This cock is getting so hard for me, it’s leaking so much. Why don’t we put it to better use…” The woman then suddenly stopped stroking your cock and pulled away from you. She then stripped completely nude and presented her ass to you. “Come on, be a good boy and take charge for me.” 

You sat there completely stunned. Your cock ached for more and the only way you would get it was by being dominant. You knew it went against everything you were comfortable with, but you couldn’t help but crave it. The sheer lust you felt in this moment overpowered any feelings of discomfort. Suddenly and without hesitation, you climbed on top of her and pushed your cock into her ass, starting to pound her. “Yes that’s it! Be a good dominant boyfriend for me!” The woman moaned out, gripping the bed sheets tightly. 

You felt like you were losing yourself but you didn’t care, it felt too good. You felt completely engulfed in arousal as you fucked the woman’s ass roughly. Before long you couldn’t hold back and came inside her ass. As you pulled out, you looked into her eyes. “Still think you’re a bottom?~” She said with a smirk. (I'll be entirely honest, I'm not really into force top myself but I got a request for it and I wanted to put my full effort into it! I hope you all like it!))

[my-castles-crumbling]

This whole time?

Jegulus for the soul. My idiots.

Based on an anonymous request. TW: accidental misgendering, miscommunication, but a happy ending!

He'd been avoiding it for weeks. Ignoring the feeling in his stomach, the nagging of his conscience that was telling him it was time. That if he wanted this to go anywhere, he had to tell him.

Of course, he didn't expect himself to just burst out with it one day.

"I'm trans, James," he practically shouted in the middle of their conversation atop the Astronomy Tower on a random Saturday.

And James, to his credit, just paused and looked over him quizzically.

"You...you're trans?" he asked. Well, he didn't look disgusted or angry, Regulus realized to his intense relief.

"Yes," Regulus murmured, looking down. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was worried, and-"

"Oh, love," James whispered, eyes wide and adoring. "There's no need to worry. You know I'll always support you. So....this means you're a girl?"

And Regulus's hope, which had previously been hesitantly building up around him, came crashing down. "No," he said, his voice cold. His stomach twisted as the dysphoria grew crawled along his skin.

James blinked, looking thoroughly confused, "But you said-"

But, after receiving the reaction he'd been dreading, Regulus's easy defensiveness flared, and he found himself ranting. "Merlin, I can't believe I thought you'd understand! No, I'm not a girl! I'm a boy, Potter! Just because I'm trans doesn't mean you can suddenly call me a girl! I thought- I thought-!"

James, however, cut him off. "Reg. Wait a second. You've been trans this whole time?"

Regulus reeled, shocked James was so ignorant. "Yes, James! You don't just wake up one day and decide-"

"No! No, I mean-" James laughed, and Regulus wanted to kick him. "I mean, I just...when you said you were trans, I thought you meant you were born a boy. Like, y'know..." he made an awkward gesture to his legs, his fingers curled to make a circle. "I thought you were telling me you wanted to be a girl now!"

Regulus gaped.

James grinned sheepishly. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to upset you. I just meant to say, whatever you want to be- boy, girl, whatever- I'll still like you the same, you know? That I'm not going anywhere."

"Oh," Regulus mumbled, shrinking back, relief flooding through him. "So...you're not mad?"

"Reg, I love you," James shrugged, his small smile lighting up Regulus's entire world. "As long as you are happy, that's what I care about."

"I love you, too," Regulus mumbled, tearing up as he said those words for the first time.

Just a note: obviously, James doesn't have the most knowledge on transness, hence some of his comments and actions!

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hi, I'm 27 and coming to the terrifying realisation that despite being a mother and a wife that dysphoria might actually be onto something, I'm worried about literally everything to do with this but I think I'm a guy. How did you *know* because I think I know but don't know I know, you know?

Anon, I'm sorry you're feeling such worry right now.

I'm one of those "always known" folks, and it really boils down to "I'm a man because I feel like one." Not because of my interests or who I'm attracted to, or what role I want to play in society. I just feel like a man.

The thought of being a woman makes me intensely distressed (even though so many of my friends are women, I am attracted to women, and have feminine role models), and being a man is not just the absence of that distress, but a joy all it's own. Even if I were a hermit, I'd want to have had my top surgery and stay on T, because it makes my body and brain just feel right.

I wish I could be more helpful. I could point to signs in my childhood, but for every "boy thing" I enjoyed, there was also a "girl thing". The traits I look up to in a man are about the same as in any other gender.

But at the end of the day, being a woman felt like moving through a world of static, being bled dry from a thousand little cuts. And being seen as a man, be it in online RPGs or in cosplay, suddenly erased all that radiation and made it clear that transition was what I needed to be my best self.

Transition can be something you explore, from role-playing to dress-up to even just trying out T (knowing some changes will be permanent). And follow more trans folks, consume more art by trans people, and see how that resonates with you. And not just trans masc folks - follow trans people of all genders, because there is a lot to learn from the rest of the community.

We reinvent ourselves constantly, and transition may not be the biggest change you end up making in your life. But it sounds worth it to explore in some way, if at the very least for your peace of mind.

[archangeldyke-all]

Transfem Reader asking Sevika if she should get bottom surgery and Sev being like “noo baby I like your princess wand:((“ lmaopsvfthdv

i'm crying

disclaimer! i'm cis so if there's any mistakes plz let me know and i'll fix them asap!

men and minors dni

you frown as you look at yourself in the mirror.

dysphoria isn't a new feeling for you, but it's intensity has lessened as you've grown into yourself. with each week that passes and each shot sevika lovingly injects on your thigh, you feel more and more like yourself. plus, sevika makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

but there are still times when your dysphoria rears its ugly head and makes you feel shitty.

"baby?" sevika asks.

"in the bathroom!" you call.

sevika raises an eyebrow when she finds you naked. you snort.

"don't give me that look, i'm not feeling sexy."

sevika pouts and wraps her arms around your waist, tucking her chin over your shoulder to look at you in the mirror. "well, you're lookin' delicious." you smile, and sevika presses a kiss to your cheek. "tell me what's bugging you."

you sigh. "i dunno. do you think i should get bottom surgery?" you ask.

sevika freezes behind you, a look of mild shock on her face. you chuckle. she gulps and shakes her head. "wh-- baby, where is this coming from?"

you shrug. "dunno. just feeling... bleh, about all this." you say, waving in the vague direction of your genitals.

sevika pouts and kisses your head. "well, y'know, it's what i always say. any surgeries or procedures or changes you wanna make, i'm gonna support you. you need to do what makes you happy."

"but what do you think?"

sevika considers you in the mirror, a little pout on her lips as she looks between your legs. she shrugs sadly. "i'd miss your princess wand if you did."

you burst into laughter, the heaviness that you've been carrying with you since you woke up this morning evaporating at your wife's words. "my what!?" you squawk.

sevika giggles and shrugs. "your princess wand."

"did you just make that up!?" you ask. sevika giggles again.

"...maybe. i know sometimes the medical words make your dysphoria worse. do you like it?" she asks with a mischievous smile.

you burst into laughter and turn around in her arms, hugging her shoulders and kissing her nose. "you're fucking ridiculous."

"i made you laugh, though." she points out. you grin.

"yeah, you did."

sevika darts forward to peck your lips, then she squeezes you. "i'll support whatever you decide to do, love. just don't go thinkin' you need to change for me. you're the most beautiful woman i've ever met, 'n i love you just the way you are. princess wand and all."

and, despite the fact that her words make you snort with laughter, your heart still skips a beat at how sweet she is.

taglist!

@fyeahnix @lavendersgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner

@kissyslut @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther

@lavenderbabu @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai @my-taintedheart

@glass-apothecary @macaroni676 @artinvain @k3n-dyll @sevsdollette

@ellieslob @xayn-xd @keikuahh @maneskinwh0re @raphaellearp

@iamastar @sevikitty @mascdom @nhaaauyen @annesunshiner

@mirconreadzztuff22 @veoomvroom @lushh-s3vik4s @katyawooga @lesbodietcoke

@strawberrykidneystone @sevikasfan @fict1onallyobsessed @dvrkhcld @sweetybuzz25

@sluttysierraaa @snake-in-a-flower-crown @ruiwonderz @littlemisszaunite @biblicalcrybaby

@blackgaladriel @nightlyconfusion @dancingqu33n17 @losernb

[gomirocket]

this story is so so sappy. and also, contains dysphoria comfort, fear of abandonment, low key BPD symptoms, touch starvation, and "mommy" as a pet name. be warned!

ggggGOD i am so needy right now. all i want to do, all i want to do, is sit down on someone's big cock, strap, whatever, and just have them coo and dote on me while i put on a show for her. i want to be stuffed so full that when i lean back you can see the outline on my tummy.

i wanna fuck myself on her while i let out allllll the pent up touch starvation. to just cry and sob because it feels so good, and because i'm finally loved. because she loves me so much she doesn't even care about her own pleasure for a little bit. she just wants to let me be subby and cuddly and needy.

i wanna sit there and beg, fucking myself stupid, "pplesseplease let me make you fffeel good i promise i'll do a good job justt i dont wanna be useless im a good toy please im not worth it a a-"

and have her lay there shushing me, a soft smile on her face, "no, dear. this is for you. i don't need your attention right now. i want to make you feel good. i love you."

and. i'd start crying harder. "no no no!! no cause if-cause if i dddont make you feel good you're gonna leave!!! and-"

"shut. up. you wanna make me feel good so bad? you want that security? fine. if you can't accept my love when i give it to you freely, i'll just have to force it on you."

she grabs me and pulls me close, rolling over so that i'm on the bottom.

"wwwait wait wait im sorry im sorry!!! i know you love me i love you please don't be mad im sorry!! im sorry im sorry im s-"

slap

"Mommy's not mad at you. i promise im not mad. it just. frustrates me. so much, when you're like this. when you're scared, insecure. and i know it's not your fault. i know it's not your fault. but. that doesn't mean i can't get frustrated. and that doesn't mean i can't feel upset. it hurts me when you feel like you can't trust me."

"... i'm sorry. i don't know what to do with these feelings. i try and i try to dismiss them, to appease them, to ignore them, but i cant. i just can't. i'm sorry mommy."

"oh, baby, baby, baby, it's okay. look, look, cling to me. i'm right on top of you. i'm not gonna let go. you're allowed to be clingy. you're allowed to be scared, and you're allowed to soothe yourself with me. i'm never, never ever going to abandon you. i love when you're needy. i love when you feel safe enough to come to me with these feelings. you don't need to put on an act to keep me happy. you don't need to do anything special. i'm in love with you."

she starts to thrust again, pressing right up against my spot while i cling to her with all my might.

"now, Mommy's going to fuck you nice and full, okay? and you're gonna let yourself go. you don't need to put on a show for me."

her hand gently tweaks my nipple, "is that clear, my precious little bun?"

"yes- YYES! thhabk you mommy thankyoutyabkyoughuyghvbbjgv"

she's pressing rrright into my girlcock from behind and i'm so wet and her tummy is so slick from me aaand and she's not stopping and

"thaaaats it baby, that's it. let it allll out. you don't need to pretend. you don't need to put on an act. you're moaning so pretty but i know that you're still holding back. leme just-"

she starts fingering my taint like i'm a real girl. my moans start sounding more noticeably trans.

"ohhh i know how much you hate it when i do that, don't you? when i press that spot and you can't help but making those adorable fucking noises. guess what? i don't care. you're still a girl. you're still my girl. you're still mine. and you're mine to toy with, mine to touch, mine to make feel good. not the other way around. now,"

my moans get shaky, my hole clenches, my cock throbs and my body does anything it can to lower the intensity. my back arches into her, our chests press against each other, ohh fuck, i can't-

"cum for Mommy."

her tummy gets turned into a sticky mess, tears stream down my face as i press into the hug, trying desperately to ride out this orgasm and keep my sanity.

what feels like an eternity passes, my make-up is wrecked, and my hole is worse off. she collapses on top of me, both of us panting for air. she gently strokes my hair as we lay there.

"i love you honey. i love you."

"i love you too Mommy."

[genderqueerdykes]

I’m really nervous to say this but I think I might be a girl, but it’s confusing because I still think I was born male.

Like, I use he/him for myself sometimes. I don’t consider myself even trans, I’m a girl in a boys body or a girl who was raised/born with a penis. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m a real Transfem, or like I’m less valid because I still consider myself male to some degree. Or I feel like I’m using transmed language. I know it isn’t true, but the internalized transphobia is real. 😞

(also btw I go by the name Ren, if you could refer to me that way please)

hello there! thanks for taking the time to stop by, we really appreciate it

i totally see where you're coming from. i don't think you have to feel ashamed for thinking/feeling that way right now. i have met so many girls in your situation and it's totally okay to feel that way while you're coming to accept who you are. many transfems are affected by imposter syndrome and i think it's due to the absolutely unrealistic expectations we place on every single transfem. i think it's because of how poorly other people treat you and other transfems

it's really easy to internalize that you're not "really" this or "really" that when other people treat you that way, or you've witnessed that behavior being expressed towards others. it's alright to feel unsure of yourself right now. a lot of trans people start off thinking they're a girl in a boy's body, or a boy in a girl's body. it's alright to not see your body as a girl's body yet. it takes time to accept that. some of my exes have been in the same situation where they still saw their body as a man's body and it's okay. you are a girl in a girl's body, but you've been told otherwise for so long it's okay to take a while to dismantle that

you sound transfem to me, i hope you're able to feel more confident soon as time passes. if possible, it may help you to try to seek out online transfem spaces, i'm part of a few on discord and i see a lot of people being very proactive in helping ease the dysphoria of other transfems. it's so common, you're not alone. some of the most intense dysphoria i've ever seen in a trans person came from the trans girls i've known. and who can blame you? society is so harsh towards trans women

it's okay if you're not perfectly feminine or if you don't fit into any type of box. it's okay if you need time to accept things. and many trans people do end up viewing their lives as "halves". many older trans women i've met have told me about "when they were living as a boy/man" and when they began living as a woman. i've met trans men who say the inverse. it's okay if you feel like you were a boy/man at at one point and are no longer. it's okay to feel like you were born in a boy/man's body and need to transition to make it feel like a girl's body, and your body. however you feel about it, you don't need to feel ashamed of yourself.

you're still a girl, Ren! you're still transfem. imposter syndrome is tough, i hope it eases up for you soon. you don' thave to jump through any hurdles to be transfem- so many transfems out there feel just the same way you do. it's okay

hope that helps, take care for now. please feel free to ask any more questions you may have!

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Ever since October 7th, the amount of misinformation and disinformation about Jews, Israel, Judaism, and even just like, basic facts about reality have been so intense that it's really dredging up a lot of my gaslighting trauma.

(No, not in the memic sense that it's been distorted into, but the kind of gaslighting that leads you to detransition and think it was your choice despite drowning in dysphoria, the kind that warps and changes and erases memories, and makes it so that you dissociate for literal months at a time to escape the pain. That kind.)

And I recognized this because I keep finding myself arguing facts and trying to reason with people who say that they're part of the compassionate left and care about working on antisemitism but yet spew the kind of antisemitism that would be totally at home on Stormfront.

It's that first arguing stage of gaslighting, where the abuser keeps saying outrageous, untrue things and you're still fighting to try and get them to empathize with you and seek mutual understanding. This:

A gaslighter does not simply need to be right. He or she also needs for you to believe that they are right. In stage 1, you know that they are being ridiculous, but you argue anyways. You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate — your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world. You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval. In stage 1, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate.

(bolding mine) (source)

This is a pattern I recognize in myself in personal relationships and even within communities, but what's happening right now is a lot bigger and more diffuse. It's not one abuser or even a shitty cohort of abusive people who are monopolizing a community space. This is being encouraged in a frighteningly large number of non-Jewish progressive spaces. In the same way that stochastic terrorism adds up very quickly, this type of cultural gaslighting and stochastic emotional abuse feels like a deluge.

But if you look at history, this is not new, for Jews. This is but the latest version of a very long game of Why Won't You Just Give Up and Assimilate or Die that Jews have thus far prevailed on at great cost to ourselves.

Anyway I'm done arguing with goyim about things that absolutely should not be up for debate: Jewish history, Jewish culture, what certain religious concepts in Judaism mean, Jewish lived experiences, what is and isn't antisemitism. If you aren't willing to engage in a genuine way that seeks mutual understanding, I'm not interested. I'm done.

You are engaging in violent behavior and lying to yourself about it and calling it activism. Well I am no longer going to participate. You can lie to yourself all you want, but you are a bad person and I don't forgive you, and you can do that alone.

You are acting from a mob mentality and a mob cannot be reasoned with. You are drunk on your tiny bit of power and social capital, and years down the line you'll lie to yourself and pretend that you cared about us.

You didn't. And deep down you know it, too.

Instead of arguing with people who refuse to see facts or reason and put our experiences up for debate, I am going to work on compiling a resource for people who want to actually learn.

Everyone else can fuck off.

[mrghostrat]

hey happy trans day of visibility. i'll get visible why not

i'm nonbinary, specifically genderfluid. i identify with this label because idk, even though i look back at my childhood and spot signs of dysphoria and gender fuckery, i don't feel like i was ever masquerading as something i wasn't. i'm just different now. and i may be different again in the future. i was a little girl then, and i'm a little bilv now.

i'm AFAB and just passed my 2 year T anniversary. i'm loving it, and just like putting together a pinterest board of hair and fashion styles to figure out how i wanted to present my truest self, starting T to change my voice and body and facial hair was just another step in that. i love how i look now and love all the changes T has brought me.

at this point i plan to remain on T indefinitely, but knowing a friend who took T for four years then stopped because she got to where she wanted to be, i feel safe and comfortable enough to stop if i ever change my mind. this is why visibility is important 💕

i don't plan on having any surgery at this point. i thought about top surgery for a while, but considering my fluidity and how much i've enjoyed tits in the past, i think i want to keep them in case i ever want to focus on them again in the future. this is the only thing i "struggle" with; how much i would like to have a flat flat chest right now, but know i may not want that in future, and surgery is so definite. thankfully i'm happy with binders and am small enough to live in a comfy middle ground.

i'm so grateful for all the trans art in the good omens fandom, especially @chernozemm's explicit illustrations that highlight how fun and sexy tcocks are. i did look into phalloplasties and matoidioplasties once before, but never felt as strongly about it either way, which didn't seem like a good basis for such an intensive surgery. now i'm less ambivalent about my genitals and actively love them

(i also suffered from vaginismus my entire life, until about 2 or 3 years ago when i started engaging with more nsfw content and must have just? exposure therapy'd myself out of it?? it feels like i didn't do anything at all and it just went away on its own, which made me personify my vag a bit, bc i'm so fucking proud of her. now we're finally getting along, i'm taking her to my grave)

keep drawing, keep writing, keep sharing. every little thing you put out there helps people like me love ourselves more, and hearing other trans stories only helps solidify how real and genuine we are for feeling the way we do about ourselves. happy tdov

[wanderingcritter]

I had a super vivid dream last night about Wolfbloods/being a Wolfblood and it's been making me ridiculously dysphoric all day.

Honestly, the worst part isn't even my lack of non-human biology or physical traits. Yes it hurts not having my paws and my tail and not being able to shift under the full moon, don't get me wrong that causes plenty of dysphoria on its own.

But the worst part for me is knowing that if Wolfblood's were actually real they'd most likely look down on me and see me as some kind of fanatical poser, rather than one of them. Idk why it bothers me so much, they're not real so it shouldn't matter. But it really does get under my skin. I hate that I'd have no way to truly prove that I'm like them, if at the very least on the inside.

And maybe I'd feel better if I was able to study and learn more about Wolfbloods and their culture, get a sense of what it's like to actually live as one. But there's so little canonical information about what Wolfblood society is like, their history, their customs. Anything that is explicitly stated or shown in the show tends to be vague or brief, so Im just kind of left trying to piece together a puzzle that's missing most of its parts. It almost feels like Im the last of a species in a way, picking through the ruins of what others left behind. It just saddens me to know how utterly disconnected I am from where I feel like I belong and that there's nothing I can do about it. There's a scene in season 2 (i think) where a character loses her nonhuman abilities, and she longingly watches from a hillside as her pack shifts under the full moon while she's forced to remain in her human form, and every time I watch it I cant help but see myself in it on such an intense level.

Idk do any other otherkin/fictionkin ever feel like this? Does anyone have recommendations for how to cope with it, or more specifically if there's any more extensive Wolfblood lore out there somewhere?

[fear-is-truth]

I love the way you write about each of Evan's characters (UwU), it's admirable work. What I'm getting at is, I'd like to see how Kai would be treated if you were neurodivergent (like ADHD, TEA). Sorry, my writing style. My native language isn't English ( ;--;).

﹙★﹚ ❝ if i say you’re great , you’re great. ❞ — KAI ANDERSON x neurodivergent!reader

note. no worries at all, english isn’t my native language either. i think his approach would largely depend on how he can use your neurodivergence to his advantage.

hyperfixations. ꒱ so he recognises your intense focus, and he knows how to exploit it. kai doesn’t necessarily see your hyperfixation as a flaw… he encourages them, but selectively—only if it benefits him. when you infodump to him, he listens because he’s learning you. figuring out how to weave himself into the things you love. if your special interest is something creative, he turns it into a tool for propaganda. as for history, psychology, or sociology? even better. he frames his ideology as something that fits into those categories. kai makes you think that your passions have been leading you to him all along.

executive dysfunction & task paralysis. ꒱ obviously, kai would be irritated with your inability to complete simple tasks, but he’s not one to directly express that frustration (not in the beginning, anyway.) when he sees your struggles with motivation and decision-making, he’ll present himself as the solution (he has a saviour complex) and starts controlling your schedule, making you reliant on his structure so deeply that you can’t imagine functioning without him.

sensory issues. ꒱ kai keeps track of them, but for manipulative purposes. let’s say you hate certain textures, sounds, or environments, and kai remembers—he’ll use them against you as a punishment. or, if he wants you to associate comfort with him, he makes sure to be the person who removes those triggers (knowing kai, he’s likely the person who planted those triggers in the first place lol)

hyperactivity or impulsivity. ꒱ he finds it amusing and sometimes often uses it to push you toward his own goals. for example commit violent crimes.

rejection sensitivity dysphoria. ꒱ kai loves how deeply you feel rejection, because it means he can destroy you with a single sentence. he’ll praise you, award you with affection to make you crave his approval, then withdraw it when he wants to control you. “wow. and here i thought you actually understood what we were doing here. guess i gave you too much fucking credit, huh?” and when you’re at your lowest, when you feel like you’re nothing without his validation? “hey, c’mon. you know i’m only hard on you because i believe in you. i see something in you no one else has… you just gotta prove me right.”

stimming & fidgeting. ꒱ kai has mixed feelings about your stimming. he supposes in a clinical way, it’s sort of fascinating. takes mental notes on what aggravates you, what you do when you’re overwhelmed. sometimes, when he’s in a good mood, kai tolerates it. sometimes, it’s “no. sit fucking still. learn some goddamn self-control.”

emotional dysregulation. ꒱ oh he fucking loves exploiting this. if you are prone to emotional outbursts, he knows exactly how to provoke you into them and then make you feel like he is the only one who does not judge you for it.

struggles with social cues. ꒱ he acts like your personal translator, making you feel like he is the only one who truly understands you.

[certifiedsexed]

sorry if this isn't your wheelhouse, or is tmi. feel free to ignore if that's the case. (also pls ignore if this isn't anonymous for whatever reason, i'm paranoid).

i'm a transman 1.5 yrs on T, 19yo, pre-op. today i was trying to finger myself (i usually masturbate through my clothes, bc dysphoria has historically made it hard for me to touch myself and i'm trying to experiment to see what pleases me other than just like, intense friction lol). i noticed a tiny growth near the tip of my clit/tdick. it's really just like a raised area of flesh that's a bit discolored compared to the rest, and feels way more sensitive when i touch it. hurts when i try to pinch it, but it isn't itchy or bleeding.

i'm not sure if it's a vein or a pimple or something i should be worried about. i've just never noticed it before and feel like i would have. i've never seen an obgyn and it's just worrying me, wondering if i should leave it be or ask my doctor or my mom. idk. thanks.

Hello! No worries, I don't mind either of those. Thank you for trusting me to answer.

There are quite a few options I can think of off the top of my head. Penile papules (not contagious, harmless and surprisingly common), cyst (largely harmless), skin tags (completely harmless) or it could definitely be a pimple!

If it's not hurting, it doesn't have heat in it and it doesn't seem to be rapidly growing in size, it's usually not an emergency situation.

I'd recommend getting it checked out if it's still there, just because there are a lot of things it could be but if you're not experiencing any of those symptoms and you're not worried, it's not a "go to the ER immediately" situation so you could wait and see. Depends on your situation, I suppose.

Hope this helps! Lemme know if you have any other questions. <3

[a-dragons-journal]

Hello Rani, and sorry this is anonymous, but this is way too weird and intimate of a take. I am also warning this is kind of a vent, so please dont read this if you've had a hard day.

I don't know why I came to you out of all alterhumans I see, but you seem rational and patient enough so I don't feel as afraid sharing thus with you. Maybe you or your followers could help...

I... Envy p-shifters. I envy those who do not double bookkeep. I envy physical nonhumans. I envy clinical zoanthropes.

This is a shitty thing to feel and I am disgusted by myself, I know it's absolutely not the best life there could be, but I want that, too. I want to see and feel myself as myself, fully. I want to disregard all that veil/facade/whatever, I want to be as confident in myself as they are.

And I'm having a really hard time not putting "physical nonhumans DNI" in my bio because I just feel that incontrollable rage within myself each time I see someone fully animal on the Internet. I see those who are fully convinced they have an animal body and I want that too.

Maybe I'm not the only one. Maybe that's why so many therians have a hard time interacting respectfully with physical nonhumans. It's plain old envy.

What do I do? How can I battle this? What should I do If I don't want to battle this, but want to, instead, make my own brain so broken so I don't see the human in the mirror anymore? What should I do If I want to have that, even if it means I'll force myself into a "delusion"?

Sorry for the delay, but I really wanted to make sure I had the brain cells and the energy to respond appropriately to this one, because I... really don't feel equipped to answer this one, honestly. I'll do my best, but I'm coming up a little short here.

First off, what I can say with confidence: you don't need to beat yourself up for feeling this way. Feelings are never wrong, and it's not productive or helpful to beat yourself up for something largely outside of your control anyway. It's one thing to be self-aware about realizing that there are huge downsides to experiencing delusions for most people and to be sensitive about how you express these feelings as a result, but it's another entirely to think you're a bad person for feeling this way. Envy can be a really difficult emotion to deal with, but it's not an evil one; there's no such thing.

As far as actual steps to take going forward... I'm not sure, honestly. I can't in good conscience recommend actively trying to induce psychosis symptoms in yourself because of the risks involved, if that's what you're talking about, though I guess ultimately it's up to you whether those risks and downsides are worth it. If you already do experience delusions and you know not double bookkeeping is unhealthy for you but part of you still wants to, I don't think there's a way around that one, unfortunately.

I guess... try to be kind to yourself, for one thing. When that anger hits because of the envy, try to take a breath, verbally (out loud or silently) acknowledge it for what it actually is - a longing in disguise - and let it pass. It may be worth embracing the philosophical version of physical nonhumanity - that is, I am nonhuman, this is my body, therefore this is a nonhuman body. That's more of a change of perspective than anything else. In general, trying to make changes to alleviate species dysphoria may be helpful for reducing the intensity of these feelings a bit - since I suspect that may be a big contributor to their intensity, consciously or subconsciously.

Beyond that... I'm honestly not sure. I'm sorry; I wish I had better advice. Anyone else have better advice for anon?